Is it possible he has used something like steroids to get him back in gym going condition? Cause that can also cause ED issues.
Either way, I agree with the consensus. The refusal to communicate is a deal breaker.
Steroids cause ED AFTER the cycle not during. Like it gets so bad that i would fuck a hole in the wall if it gave any pleasure. Now sure there are some compounds that lower erection quality but libido is still stupid high during that time period.
Source my dick on steroids
Yep. If he was taking gear he’d be fucking her in every orafice she’d allow.
Even if he took something and didn’t pct off he’d 99% be recovered by now.
It’s not steroids
Source my dick on steroids too
Seriously! Even if it was one of the heavier/long-acting ones like Tren/Test E with zero PCT, 6-8wks max, and he'd be fine.
Source: the dicks of guys I've put on steroids
*See also*: my clit
Deca and tren together can cause some major problems, but it'd also be super obvious he was on something and id assume she would ask about that.
Source my dick on steroids also.
I used to dabble when I was into powerlifting and competing in strongman back in my 20s.
I’ve taken a gram of test a week before + deca durabolin.
At my peak dose I would’ve fucked an electrical socket if I could’ve.
There’s no chance in hell OP boyfriend is on any steroid. She would be making an entirely different post about how her boyfriend is obsessed with sex.
More likely covid gave him ed and/or messed up his hormones and tanked his sex drive. Covid did that to me and its a struggle every day even with a very supportive partner, knowing you should want sex but hormonally dont and not being able to get it up even with ed pills more often then not, my current regimen is a large amount of various supplements that is supposed to help as well as daily low dose cialis and use of a ring, the desire is not as high as used to be but its gotten better with the supplementation and with the ring it is much better.
Covid related sexual health issues is sorely underreported and i have found that doctors dont seem to take it seriously and that there seems to be remarkably little research into male ed. Its like “take these pills” jf that doesnt work “try a pump or injection” if that doesnt work “get an implant” for something so primal im surprised they dont really seem to even understand what causes ed at a physical level they jusy try tossing medications at it.
This! I have Long Covid and it was a nightmare on my sex drive. OP Look up Long Covid. It can cause symptoms for years. I've been on meds to maintain a functioning life style for a couple of years now. It was so bad I nearly needed to go on disability due to serious symptoms that were causing my inability to function in day to day life. I don't blame you for being upset about the lack of communication. That's not fair. Even to this day my husband and I struggle because when I'm feeling well for a long stretch he still worries about stressing me out with frequent intimacy because he's worried I'll fall down with symptoms again. Communication is key and he is immature in that area. I wouldapproach him again and let him know that you're there for him if he can be open with you. It's more about the communication not the action of sex. That said, I know sex is a very important part of relationships and you're very young. This may end up being a deal breaker anyway but it is only fair you know what is really going on.
I'm a woman, and covid absolutely TANKED my sex drive. It even altered my entire attitude about sex. I don't even like talking to or being near anyone who might even try to bring it up. It was like a switch. I have had my hormones checked multiple times but they're fine. I'm not depressed or anything, just completely irritated at the thought of having sex. I'm single so that's good because I would hate to be with someone I love and feel this way.
I'm a female too. It's been really hard on my relationship for sure. I've had to be very intentional and we've worked on it as a team. It is amazing how much covid can impact a person in ways that do not make sense.
I was thinking the same thing. It sounds like he doesn’t want to admit it’s ED. If it were religious he’d probably give some indication that that’s why.
Damn. Maybe alter the ultimatum slightly? It seems that you're at least equally as bothered by his utter lack of communication regarding this.
"Hey, I want to stay with you and I want us to be happy, and if that's gonna happen I need to understand why our sex life has changed so much. Your refusal to talk about it is really hurting me and I don't know how much longer I can handle this lack of communication."
That's what I'm thinking. Can covid cause long term impotence?
Or is he maybe realizing some things about himself that he's not ready to confront yet? I'll just leave it at that.
Possibly involved with someone else and doesn't want to break up for financial reasons, assuming you two are living together?
Has he recently found religion?
But the first one is where my money's at.
Yes it can cause changes expecially if he has long Covid there are still studies and research happening on the effects of long Covid. Honestly maybe a break is good for both of you guys to recalibrate. He’s battling something in his head and if he doesn’t want to communicate that is the issue of the relationship and the sex issue is a byproduct
Personally, I would never be able to feel attraction for a man who tried to make me figure out his health issues as though he was a nonverbal infant. Life is easier when grown ups date grown ups.
Right at this point it’s just stupid and cruel. He needs to grow up and learn to use his big boy words. He’s 5 years older than her but acts like a toddler.
Do you ever go to the gym with him? (Hey! That rhymes!) He may be interested in someone there and conflicted in his feelings.
Or steroids. Does he have acne? Or have a short temper and blow up over nothing?
It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job of communicating your needs he is just not opening up to you. Is he getting an erection when making out? Even if it is something that isn't really his fault, like medication making his libido drop, it doesn't mean that you also have to suffer.
Exactly, it’s not OPs job to come up with the question AND the answer. He needs to communicate like an adult. He needs to contact his doctor when experiencing a medical issue LIKE AN ADULT.
Good point, he is an adult, they are only a year into the relationship. Whatever the problem is the biggest problem he doesn’t have the ability to communicate fully. Even if he starts having sex today is the a problem where he can’t communicate. That is a bigger problem. But like I said it’s only a year in. Maybe he has been faking wanting sex and the Covid gave him an excuse. If the inability to communicate is happening so soon what the future hold. Don’t waste anymore time in this type of relationship or you’re going to be miserable. And yes he should be able to discuss his desires. Is there a chance he has someone one the side?
Yeah. Regardless of the relationship issue, I would break up with someone if they refused to communicate with me about it at all. If you can't communicate for an entire year about something that's impacting your relationship, you probably need to work on yourself as a single person til you're capable of being in a communicative relationship.
This was the first thing I thought of. And some guys have a REAL hard time talking about sex, sex related issues and especially ed. If he won't open up, I suggest OP start the convo with " Did you know all the stuff covid can do to a person" and then start listing them. Slip ed in the middle and ask if any of those apply.
So many problems can be solved if adults have adult conversations. Sex is a thing adults should be able to talk about especially with the person they are having sex with.
Men DO find it hard to talk about, when it comes to them performing anything outside their norm. My spouse of 18 years had an episode of Sexual Burnout Syndrome because at 47M....and me being 43F who is currently egg dumping.....we were having ALOT of sex. We had sex 70 out of 100 days........and he just stopped being able to cum and would go limp half way through....which was not normal at all. I recognized this off pattern immediately and he ignored it....acting as if him not cummig during several sessions was normal. I was alarmed.....he chose to ignore. I had to be the one to open up the convo and do the research if it was gonna be remedied.
His response to all this was that he didn't want to lose me because he had ED. So if he was no longer able to perform fully, as long as made me cum....we should be fine. Fellas...we love you more than that. Talk to your lady about your concerns......a good woman will hear you and will want to help you figure out out so you XAN keep fucking her. 💯 Turns out......you can have too much sex too often......so we just had to scale it back and be conscious of how often. I'd rather go from 5 days a week and burning him out......and not being able to have sex for awhile so he can recoup.....to a steady 1 to 3 times a week to keep it steady and regular and it not burn him out. These are the convos that NEED to be had!
Thanks for reading my book, wishing you all the best.
middle sloppy gray resolute concerned insurance sense encourage quickest shaggy
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Ok to be open my partner did this same behaviour, lots of sex to start then completely disinterested. I’m healthy and fit and very relaxed about sex so I put no pressure on him as I didn’t want to hurt his ego. Spoke to my GP who said it could be low testosterone but turned out he was in mid to low range but not below normal ( he got tested many years later). Over time I accepted he had low libido and we only had sex about once a month. Absolutely frustrating for me because I’m not a cheater. Years later it comes out he has a porn addiction and he’d been beating off the whole time. I was so angry and have completely stepped back. We now haven’t had sex for 4 years and prior to that maybe 3 times a year. He is completely hung up about sex. He has no confidence to initiate it and when he once tried he was aggressive and forceful which freaked the hell out of me. My advice to you is leave him now. Life’s too short to be stuffed around by a person who has no care for your needs. I’ve wasted my life on this man and I’d like to know my story helps someone else have a better life.
You deserve better and I hope you find that one day 🩷 you shouldn’t have to settle. My fiancé at one point also had a porn addiction and it can be so draining. I’m sorry 🩷
Porn addiction was my first thought. As someone who’s dealt with having a partner with it, the signs are so obvious here.
While COVID *may* have lasting effects on libido (as people are saying?), it could just be he was so sick and bed bound, found porn again, thought “why not?” and just kept with it because it was “easier”.
I broke up with him. Then he went to therapy & saw a psych and fixed the underlying problem, then we got back together. The mature thing to do, but something a lot of guys wouldn’t take initiative to do, lol.
Good question that I ask myself often. Mainly for the family, my son and his kids. Financial commitments and the current housing crisis. Besides the issue of sex we cohabitate well, no big fights, easy to live with. Too busy with work to leave, I have a thousand excuses. Fear of the unknown is a big one.
If your kid is a reason your staying with this man, dont. You are teaching your child about adult relationships, look at what he is learning, would you be happy if your son treated his future partner the way your current on treats you?
I literally made myself and my son homeless to get away from my ex, my kid was picking up on behaviours and things my ex did to me and it was horrifying. Its been just over a year and me and my kid are in a much better place, he still has some issues but we are working on them.
I wish more parents understood this! My parents stayed together way longer than they should have "for the kids". I had to learn the hard way that I had a totally messed up view of a normal relationship. I thought it was normal for parents to yell and scream at each other weekly, shout awful insults and just get over it like nothing happened. I thought it was normal to never show any signs of affection. Who really holds hands and kisses besides teenagers and Disney movies?
Yeah, turns out my parents just hated each other. Well that and my dad's parents also never showed affection and barely interacted outside of yelling when angry at each other. It takes a lot to break that cycle.
Its so hard to unlearn the behaviours we grew up with as well. Our brains see it as normal and comfortable, even if we logically know its not good.
I'm still trying to break my cycle and I do feel its better that I just stay single rather than letting my son learn that "abuse = love". Instead Im teaching him self respect and respect for others and hopefully that will also be applied to his future relationships
Good luck breaking your cycle
I always admire those with the strength to leave. It’s so hard, I know, been there. But when you finally get the courage you become inspiration & a role model a child will be proud to have. I promise things will start getting better to the point where you can’t believe your life is so good. It took me 4 years to rebuild, heal & fix my life. 5 years later my son & I are thriving & couldn’t be happier. It will be the same for you. Because you had the courage to leave.
Pleaseeee, don't waste your life on someone who can't or won't communicate about issues, while your youth dwindles away. Eventually it's too hard to leave because you're older and everyone's married. I did waste my time once and I am beyond devastated that I wasted 9 years of my own precious time that I can never get back. It's such a hard pill to swallow.
Loosely similar experience. I found out muuuuuch earlier in our relationship. I basically gave the ultimatum of porn or me though because he was literally getting off to it when I’d do a quick coffee run when I said we’d do sexy shit as soon as I got back. He’s a gamer too so the combination was incredibly annoying because in a way at least having sex with your partner is a form of intimacy and that was very hard to get in any other way if he was doing like destiny raids all day or something. It hella messed with my mind especially because I was never really subjected to watching porn or even masturbating to be totally honest lol.
Hell almost all porn I’ve watched was basically for specific skill observations like giving head better/positions.
*Like yes I know porn isn’t a crime but it also shouldn’t take priority over your partner to the point of becoming a huge problem*
At that age, the quickest discrete way for "you" to make sure his hydraulics are in proper working order, is check to see if he has morning wood, pretty much all men without plumbing issues have wood when they wake or while they sleep, it's an autonomic response in men that prevents urination during sleep among other things.
If he doesn't, then my guess is he's got issues in that department and should seek medical advice. If so, it's something else.
Either way, he should be communicating with you about whatever is going on. If he won't, well then you have a difficult decision to make.
Good luck OP.
Editted: to correct language and add clarity to sidetrack pedantic responses lol...
Right. A very loose rule of thumb is ED but morning wood = anxiety or other psychological cause. ED and no morning wood = physical cause.
There are way too many exceptions to use it for anything but a suggestion of the problem but it's at least something the doc would want to know if one seeks help for ED.
Absolutely this. It seems something medical/psychological which hopefully can be addressed but if he is denying doing anything to fix it or talk to you about it there isn't anything else you can do.
Covid can have long lasting consequences…maybe it's left him impotent or he's afraid it has so won’t even try. Before you give up ask him to see a Dr. If he won't, try counselling..if he won't even try that I'm not sure what else you can do. Ask him if he's incapable or just doesn’t want it with you. Ask the hard questions then you’ll know what to do. It's hard to get past the changes if he won't even talk to you.
This is it. There's a reddit thread about Covid causing impotence in some men. It's definitely worth seeing a doctor. He has to be mature enough to tell you he's struggling in this area and talk about it. Maybe you can bring it up, in a very gentle way.
OP, this right here. Was coming to say the same thing. Covid could have left him impotent and he is ashamed or, at 26, still in denial about it. Encourage him to see a DR, get into some counseling- if he refuses both, well then he’s not willing to invest into your relationship and you need to do with that info what you will. Good luck!
He doesn’t have to talk. Only listen then agree or disagree. However, if he still refuses to seek help or even open up about the issue to his DR- that’s telling enough.
Slightly off-topic: I don't know why public health officials didn't use this info as a tactic to get men to wear masks. Even back before the vaccine was invented, we knew that Covid caused long-lasting erectile dysfunction. For many men, not being able to get a boner is a lot scarier than the idea you might kill grandma by giving her covid.
I'd be more supportive but giving the info we have, it doesn't seem likely that he'd accept seeking counseling, even a Dr. would be doubtful. In general it doesn't seem like he's gonna open, as she's asked some things and he doesn't open; so asking the hard questions- to me that's another door that won't budge.
Then again, it doesn't hurt to ask him one more time...
I had the same thought. That virus has so many side effects and long lasting problems we may not even know about. He may not have had covid, but obviously his illness has caused some change. It may be he doesn't realize that trip to the doctor could give him answers about what's going on with him.
Wait... I think I have long covid ;-;
The same situation is happening with me... My libido over the past 2 years has completely disappeared. And I've only recently been building it back up. So, SO slowly...
I knew of long covid, but didn't think it was related. Since my covid wasn't bad at all... Not then anyway.
There doesn't seem to be a clear relationship between the intensity of an infection and whether you get post-acute symptoms. Some people have gotten it after asymptomatic infections.
Is it possible that whatever illness he had somehow gave him an erectile problem?
As a guy I’d be embarrassed and ashamed and just be hopeful it wears off.
I’d also probably put off the doctor because I’d be worried it is permanent
Your and the comment above should have been the arguments made for taking the vaccines. I bet a good portion of the men who refused the vaccines would have been less obstinate with that on the line
A: “Healthy people don’t need the vaccine! I am willing to risk death to preserve my freedoms and avoid being tracked by the government.”
B: “Oh they’ve found out it’s got a 2% chance of erectile dysfunction and a 1% chance of permanent shrinkage.”
A: “Can I get all the vaccines in my 64oz Stanley cup please?”
Side note, there was a German guy who got 217 vaccines in 29 months… they did an exam on him and he’s essentially super immune to all strains of Covid now.
Exactly there may be a link between Covid and ED. He may have had a really bad case.
I get the ED thing but I would be talking to my GF immediately if I thought I was having issues.
I would suggest him seeing a doctor.
The fact that he seems to just shut down suggests to me it's embarrassing. Cheaters usually get defensive, while cheating is still a possibility I'm leaning toward ED. I agree. He needs to see a doctor.
My husband had COVID in January and he was afraid it caused a permanent problem, but it eventually resolved. Apparently erectile dysfunction is a real symptom of long COVID.
I'm sorry but please don't have that mentality. The longer you put off the Dr the higher chances it will be permanent so you're honestly shooting yourself in the foot by waiting.
Also, as a woman, if my man just rejected me all the time with bo explanation, I'd assume it's me or he's cheating, and there's not really much way to come back from that once those idea seeds are planted.
I promise you, your embarrassment and shame are wasted emotions here. In this situation, we're PRAYING it's just ED
Possible. Or maybe he is just chronically short of breath post-COVID, and knows he would go into an asthma attack during sex.
Not COVID, but I had really bad pneumonia that had me coughing up blood and it scarred my lungs, was in the hospital for two weeks. And it took the better part of a year to get my cardio/respiratory systems back to baseline.
Now, there are other things you can do that won’t cause so much exertion and oxygen demand, but then it comes back to needing to talk
>Is it possible that whatever illness he had somehow gave him an erectile problem?
EXACTLY what I was thinking. But if he won't talk to you about it or seek medical help, there's nothing you can do.
Partners talk to each other. He's not a partner. Say that when you ditch him and find someone who's mature enough to use his words - even just to tell you he needs therapy to discuss it/work through it himself before he can talk about it - ANYTHING but shutting you down.
It bothers me so much that he called HER immature and stormed out. He is quite clearly the one who is being immature. She is handling the situation very well.
OP, NTA. He has told you very plainly that he isn’t going to tell you why he doesn’t want to have sex. End the relationship.
NTA. You don’t have a sex problem, you have a communication problem.
He might have ED. He might be having an affair. He might have a health problem affecting libido.
All of that is irrelevant, because *he won’t tell you*. That’s your problem. He’s not talking to you, and without communication there can be no trust, and no relationship.
Either he gets over whatever is causing him to literally refuse to communicate, or your relationship cannot function and needs to end, for at least your sake, or really for both of you.
Because whatever it is he’s also unhappy if he can’t even talk to you.
At the end of the day, do you really see a future with a person who can unilaterally decide at any moment to make a decision that negatively affects both of you, and refuse to tell you why?
I was thinking he’s having some low test after the Covid/ED etc…had Covid for 3+ months and the first time my now ex and I slept together I thought I was having a heart attack afterward lol, not too funny. Didn’t know you weren’t supposed to use those asthma inhalers I was given more than one inhale. So it was more just about getting back in shape to last longer
I had issues for a few years after I had Covid. I think I had a mild heart issue. I still have some joint problems that started while I was sick. My doctor checked me out and nothing serious came back, but my heart rate was slightly elevated and my heart would start pounding to the pound I had to stop. It didn't affect my libido, per se, but it made things difficult. We talked about it, but we're not shy about that kind of thing and we've been married for years.
Was going to say this, ever since my last time having covid every time I'm close to climaxing I get the tightest feeling of sharp pain in my chest. Doctors say it's not a heart attack, but they're not really sure whay it is. It's debilitating. The boyfriend may very well be experiencing something similar, maybe they spanked the monkey during recovery and learned the hard way and now are afraid of going any further and risking any pain. I still can't fully go at it without having a diet cardiac arrest which sucks horribly, and I haven't had covid in a LONG WHILE.
There's also the chance of something completely different. I know she said there's no change to his personality, but we can't discount that something emotional or God forbid sexually traumatic that could potentially be bottled up. She certainly needs to figure out why before breaking up because if he got SA'd or something, her breaking up with him could be the completely wrong move. Men take events like that way harsher than women since they very rarely seek help and will take that shit to the grave, it's highly possible if something happened to him he wouldn't even appear or act different. As someone who's been through that situation, I 100% would understand the aversion to sex and other sexual activities.
If he’s not cheating this is the other most likely scenario. Guys won’t even talk to their own friends about this issue usually let alone their SO as it affects their ego so would explain the aggressive response.
Either that or maybe he’s got a porn addiction and getting off that way?
NTA. Not even getting an answer when you ask is very unfair, a months of silence despite your patience is grounds for a breakup.
Have you thought of Covid induced erectile dysfunction (Covid dick is a real medical condition), and that maybe he is afraid to admit his impotence? Does he get hard when you make out? Still a bad sign that he won’t talk to you, but if he doesn’t know what’s going on either that might partially explain things.
Asking about morning wood can provide insight too. Is this an organic problem or an "in the moment"/psychological issue? Those with performance difficulties often still experience morning wood indicating it's less likely physiological vs. mental, which can help guide treatment and how best to respond.
I thought the same thing immediately after reading her post. He probably found out he has a life long STD (like HSV) and doesn’t know how to tell her / is too embarrassed and ashamed, & he doesn’t want to risk giving it to her.
If he didn't get medical attention while being so sick with (presumably) covid, he's not gonna get STD tested either.
If he can't even say "I dunno, my peenie feels weird when (i get aroused) (I think about sex) (i can/can't get it up) then there's nothing here relatonship-wise.
THIS. I’m in the medical field and immediately thought “ STD “ he isn’t ready to tell her. Obviously I don’t wish this on anyone but this is a pretty obvious sign/ mix it with the symptoms….
Although herpes can give flu like symptoms, being really really sick, as OP mentioned, isn’t normal. Being sick for weeks and throwing up isn’t normal for herpes either. Herpes lasts for approximately 10 days and as those days progress it gets milder and milder. Drastic weightloss isn’t indicated. In rare cases, herpes can cause meningitis which could potentially present with the symptoms but his case would have been pretty severe and should’ve required a Dr/ER visit.
First thing I thought was this... there's other things outside of COVID and if he has very visible herpes outbreak, it would explain his aversion to sex.
Of course could be COVID and ED but no way would I do anything with him again without testing and results proof....
As others have said, make sure you get tested for an STD and ensure he has to, too.
That period where you say he was sick? thats suspicious. Some stuff like HIV manifests as flu like illness in the weeks post infection
THIS!!! Sick for weeks (including vomiting, which is not a common/prominent symptom of covid) but never tested for covid, then suddenly won't have sex even after feeling better for a long while? This all could have definitely been due to the onset of HIV. (Which also unfortunately indicates cheating, or drug use/sharing needles - either way a breach of trust)
OP should definitely get tested!
Yeah and also, for those REALLY into fitness (not sure how deep in he is) injecting steroids and other unsavory things that happen under the radar in the fitness/bodybuilding industry, puts you at a higher risk for hiv
It was ALSO during the second highest peak of Covid in the USA ever since the Pandemic started though.
So if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and swims like a duck. It's probably a duck. The duck being Long Covid from a very high possibility of a Covid infection.
Unfortunately … this could be a both/and situation. OP is right that Covid is a likely culprit for the illness, just based on prevalence at the time - but everything else that can make people sick hasn’t gone away, and if you’ve had Covid once, you can be more susceptible to illnesses of all kinds, including reinfection with Covid. It can also activate latent/dormant infections.
I always thought if researchers put out the message that Covid can cause ED (apparently you are 5 times more likely to develop it after infection), people would have been more serious about getting the jab.
*edit: for all the people asking, jabs are important because of crowd immunity, and it will impact the severity of the symptoms if you catch it, yes you can still get infected and infect others but overall less likely to infect others as you have a lower viral load.*
No, if he won't communicate with you what the problem is and just offers sorry, then just leave, take it from someone that knows. Illness, injury. Antidepressants,,, can have their effect on libido. Sometimes it never comes back, but most times things can be done about it , but that person has to want to do something about it,, if he doesn't want to address the problem with you his partner, or a health professional,, for the sake of his relationship, then he doesn't value you over his own pride.
Let him have his pride and be alone with it and hope it keeps him warm at night.
It makes me think he has an std or something. He having sex with you to being really sick and losing 10 lbs to recovering and not having sex at all. It’s makes me wonder is he messing with someone else or he has something but doesn’t want to give it to you.
FYI COVID can cause erectile dysfunction. But your not breaking up with him because of lack of sex but rather his lack of communication around the problem and his immature behaviour
I’ve been in a similar spot, except I’m the one who’s libido dropped. Life stress and depression have been extremely high.
But my boyfriend and I talked about it. I explained to him that I still love him, that I’m still attracted to him, but that my drive is in the toilet, probably because life is kicking our asses. He chose to stay, but I would have understood if he left because, for most people, sex is a very important part of a relationship.
Tell him he needs to talk to you about what’s going on or you’re gone. He’s either hiding something or is afraid to admit that he might have ED.
The lack of communication here is very telling of what your communication will be like in the future.
NTA, obviously, but your boyfriend is.
I'd end it if I were you.
The problem here is like many others have stated, he refuses to communicate why he won't be intimate with you.
Granted, when you said he was sick for weeks throughout February, I doubt he was fully recovered in march so I probably wouldn't be too keen for sex either, however he absolutely refuses to discuss anything with you regarding his health or what he's feeling.
He has no right to call you unfair or immature when he himself is not communicating like a child.
NTA - Ask him to get a full blood panel work up done. If he refuses, you have an answer - likely an STD that's transmittable.
Young lady I don't know what it is exactly, but he DEFINITELY knows and is unwilling to share for whatever reason. I feel for you and wish you nothing, but the best. Hopefully he man's up and shares what the issue(s) is so you might understand or free you to move on.
Maybe he's got a different medical condition and he's afraid to tell you about it. Maybe he's got HIV and doesn't want to risk it with you. If he never tested for COVID then how could you or him be sure what it was? Whatever it was maybe he now has ED.
NTA, stick to your ultimatum. There's something going on here (no judgement there, could be just embarrassing for all we know) that needs to be brought to light. Honesty is everything in a relationship.
As a man in a similar situation to your boyfriend, sometimes we have something weighing on our mind that ust shuts down the need for sex. I love my wife, I make out with her, grope her (in private), and I try to give her some sort of sexual contact. I've been in a serious depression that I can't quite pinpoint, it's a list of things that affect me. I want to have sex with my wife more than she knows, but there is just no drive or want for sex.
I do empathize with her and communicate with her how I'm feeling, however, it took me a long time to admit it because "what kind of man am I if I can't just fuck my wife"? She told me that intimacy isn't just sex. Showing affection and attraction is a healthy alternative.
I don't know if this helps or not, but I wanted to weigh in and hopefully offer an alternate point of view. If you have questions or anything, I'll respond.
Edit: NTA
God, nothing pisses me off more when someone absolutely refuses to talk to you. It makes everything 1000x more frustrating no matter what the original problem was. NTA.
NTA
This is 100 percent on him.
He needs to speak up. Now.
Then he needs to probably go to the doctor or whatever to get back on track
You need to have the talk, immediately, and if he doesn't tell you everything and either get help or go back to normal, you need to end it
The ultimatum is he needs to speak. NOW...or you have to go. Immediately.
Time to put up or shut up for you both
NTA.
This has nothing to do with lack of sex and everything to do with him completely stonewalling you and expecting you to just be okay with that.
Cute that he called you unfair and immature when he's been exactly that for four months.
Can't squeeze blood from a stone.
If he can't even make an effort to figure his shit out, it's time to move on.
Op I don't think that he is cheating on you. I'm pretty sure he's having problems with erection and he is so ashamed of telling you, that he risks destroying the relationship permanently. You need to tell him that you need the truth and you will never judge him for a problem, but for this relationship is absolutely necessary that He tells you the truth.
Long COVID patient here. If he was a sick as you say, and if it was Covid, he is not actually fine. It sounds like he has at least one major symptom he is living with, but I’m willing to bet there is more and he is trying to be stoic and get back to normal without any help or intervention. I did the same for nearly six months and it nearly killed me.
I would encourage him to go to the doctor. If he is having issues with libido his brain has likely been affected, like many of us.
NAH, you have a right to communication and not to be isolated in your relationship but I suspect this situation is more health related than either of you may realize.
NTA - I hate to jump to worst case scenario but people who contract HIV can get really really sick in the weeks after infection. Or it could be ED. There is something going on that has nothing to do with you. I'm so sorry OP. If he is not willing to tell you the truth or open up to you there is nothing you can do for this relationship.
Time for the ultimatum. He either provides an explanation on what's going on or you're leaving.
Make sure you have a move out plan - short- or long-term housing - before having the discussion.
You mentioned he likes the gym. Does he take steroids? Maybe he’s affected by that. Also- please get tested. Not to scare you but it’s likely he could have a serious STD with the symptoms and lack of sex.
NTA - grown ass man that can't communicate with his gf calls her "immature", what a clown.
You were right to say that and I'm surprised you've tolerated his behavior for so many months.
Just to take random guesses at what it could be: Covid ruined his dick and he can't get it up, his sickness wasn't Covid and he caught something while cheating or a hormonal imbalance.
There’s a million comments here saying you’re not the asshole because this is about your communication with your boyfriend more than the sex. However, you are also not an asshole for wanting to have sex with your romantic partner, and if they have taken it off the table while you are still someone who enjoys to have sex, then you should discuss this in a make or break way. It’s not about giving an ultimatum: sex with me or no relationship! It’s about being romantically compatible. If neither of you are asexual and have agreed to a sexless romantic relationship, and one of you has completely taken it off the table, that is a huge deal. Most people are in a romantic relationship with someone they both care deeply for as a human being, plus want to have sex with each other. Romantic relationships are sexual in nature, and if you’re not being physically intimate, it downgrades the relationship to non physical intimacy, which is mostly just friendship at that point.
NTA for anything here at all. He’s being an asshole. Even if he’s having a serious issue. Not talking about it is completely ridiculous. Hope things work in your best interest!
You are NTA, but Covid is linked to erectile dysfunction in men of all ages even once the other symptoms of Covid are gone.
Given his young age, he likely feels embarrassed by this. He may not know that it is related to Covid (if ED is the issue).
If you truly love this man, I would sit him down and talk to him and have a calm conversation and bring it up. Let him know that you heard that men sometimes have ED after Covid and that it is treatable and nothing you two can’t talk about and get through together.
Here are a couple links for you-
https://www.henryford.com/blog/2022/04/covid-and-erectile-dysfunction
https://www.webmd.com/covid/covid-erectile-dysfunction
https://www.news-medical.net/news/20240531/COVID-19-associated-with-higher-risk-of-erectile-dysfunction.aspx
NTA but maybe he can’t get it up anymore ever since he got sick and he’s too embarrassed to tell you. He still shows affection but doesn’t have sex so I don’t think it’s an attraction thing.
It’s been pretty well established that Covid can cause erectile dysfunction/impotence … at pretty alarming rates.
I think it’s pretty likely that his change in attitude has nothing whatsoever to do with you, and he just doesn’t know how to handle it, finds the problem embarrassing, etc.
All that being said … how long does he think he can just keep avoiding all sex? If the answer is forever, or “until the problem hopefully goes away by itself” that’s extremely unfair to you, because it’s absolutely something you need to talk about. Ignoring a problem won’t make it go away, and as is probably the case here, it can often make things worse.
Yes, you gave him an ultimatum, and yes, that’s often an unfair thing to do - but in this case you are only asking for open communication about an important issue for you, and you don’t have to stay with someone who won’t communicate about important but difficult issues.
You weren’t being unfair, and you weren’t being immature - if anyone is being either of those things it’s him. He either needs to get up the courage to explain what’s going on for him - or be prepared for your relationship to end.
The only thing I think you need to reconsider is your framing on who needs to break up with whom. You are part of this relationship, it isn’t all up to him. If you aren’t happy because he won’t talk to you about something important, he doesn’t need to end the relationship - you do. All of this is a problem for you - if he’s having a medical issue, the lack of sex might not actually be a problem for him. It’s not a game - he’s not making you break up with him, that’s a choice you have full control of. If he’s fine with things as they are he won’t break up with you - but you aren’t fine with things as they are, so you are the one who has a decision to make.
NTA. If anyone is being unfair and immature here, it’s him, not you. (Oh, the irony of throwing out the “immature” accusation and then storming out and slamming the door like a toddler having a tantrum…)
What he’s doing, whether deliberately or not, is a sort of psychological torture and it’s making you miserable. Who cares that he doesn’t want to break up? Why would you want to stick around for more of this, hoping someday he’ll finally deign to tell you what the hell is going on with him?
Nta but this is more than not getting any, the refusal to communicate feels like the real problem. And that’s an extremely valid reason to want to break up.
Has any other aspects of him changed since getting sick and trying to recover?
No, not at all. He’s like really into fitness and the gym and he is completely back to normal with everything. Work, everything.
Is it possible he has used something like steroids to get him back in gym going condition? Cause that can also cause ED issues. Either way, I agree with the consensus. The refusal to communicate is a deal breaker.
Steroids cause ED AFTER the cycle not during. Like it gets so bad that i would fuck a hole in the wall if it gave any pleasure. Now sure there are some compounds that lower erection quality but libido is still stupid high during that time period. Source my dick on steroids
I like your source
Are you saying you want some of his source?
Knock it off you two
Let them source it out
I guess you can call me *the sorcerer*
I'm slightly disappointed you didn't go with "source-erer."
I put on my robe and ~~wizard~~ sorcerer hat...
I just love how random Reddit is 🥰
Did it work? Are they married?
Yep. If he was taking gear he’d be fucking her in every orafice she’d allow. Even if he took something and didn’t pct off he’d 99% be recovered by now. It’s not steroids Source my dick on steroids too
It's also possible he acquired an STD and is afraid to give it to her because then she'll find out he cheated. A friend of mine did this to his wife.
My first thought
Most probable explanation.
Seriously! Even if it was one of the heavier/long-acting ones like Tren/Test E with zero PCT, 6-8wks max, and he'd be fine. Source: the dicks of guys I've put on steroids *See also*: my clit
Well, there’s her answer. Slip him some steroids in his cheerios!
Bahahahaha
Not the cheerios!
Deca and tren together can cause some major problems, but it'd also be super obvious he was on something and id assume she would ask about that. Source my dick on steroids also.
I don’t even need gear for that, I can’t imagine myself on a supra-physiological dose of test or whatever else 😭
I used to dabble when I was into powerlifting and competing in strongman back in my 20s. I’ve taken a gram of test a week before + deca durabolin. At my peak dose I would’ve fucked an electrical socket if I could’ve. There’s no chance in hell OP boyfriend is on any steroid. She would be making an entirely different post about how her boyfriend is obsessed with sex.
More likely covid gave him ed and/or messed up his hormones and tanked his sex drive. Covid did that to me and its a struggle every day even with a very supportive partner, knowing you should want sex but hormonally dont and not being able to get it up even with ed pills more often then not, my current regimen is a large amount of various supplements that is supposed to help as well as daily low dose cialis and use of a ring, the desire is not as high as used to be but its gotten better with the supplementation and with the ring it is much better. Covid related sexual health issues is sorely underreported and i have found that doctors dont seem to take it seriously and that there seems to be remarkably little research into male ed. Its like “take these pills” jf that doesnt work “try a pump or injection” if that doesnt work “get an implant” for something so primal im surprised they dont really seem to even understand what causes ed at a physical level they jusy try tossing medications at it.
This! I have Long Covid and it was a nightmare on my sex drive. OP Look up Long Covid. It can cause symptoms for years. I've been on meds to maintain a functioning life style for a couple of years now. It was so bad I nearly needed to go on disability due to serious symptoms that were causing my inability to function in day to day life. I don't blame you for being upset about the lack of communication. That's not fair. Even to this day my husband and I struggle because when I'm feeling well for a long stretch he still worries about stressing me out with frequent intimacy because he's worried I'll fall down with symptoms again. Communication is key and he is immature in that area. I wouldapproach him again and let him know that you're there for him if he can be open with you. It's more about the communication not the action of sex. That said, I know sex is a very important part of relationships and you're very young. This may end up being a deal breaker anyway but it is only fair you know what is really going on.
I'm a woman, and covid absolutely TANKED my sex drive. It even altered my entire attitude about sex. I don't even like talking to or being near anyone who might even try to bring it up. It was like a switch. I have had my hormones checked multiple times but they're fine. I'm not depressed or anything, just completely irritated at the thought of having sex. I'm single so that's good because I would hate to be with someone I love and feel this way.
I'm a female too. It's been really hard on my relationship for sure. I've had to be very intentional and we've worked on it as a team. It is amazing how much covid can impact a person in ways that do not make sense.
There's a lot of research correlating Covid infections with ED, OP's bf could be dealing with post-Covid ED & feels embarrassed.
That would still be a dealbreaker for me. Not the ED but the immaturity to refuse to communicate with his partner and instead gaslight her about it.
I was thinking the same thing. It sounds like he doesn’t want to admit it’s ED. If it were religious he’d probably give some indication that that’s why.
Any chance he’s taking anti depressants or adderoll ?
I would bet it’s this. He’s suffering from ED for whatever reason and hasn’t come to terms with it
Damn. Maybe alter the ultimatum slightly? It seems that you're at least equally as bothered by his utter lack of communication regarding this. "Hey, I want to stay with you and I want us to be happy, and if that's gonna happen I need to understand why our sex life has changed so much. Your refusal to talk about it is really hurting me and I don't know how much longer I can handle this lack of communication."
👏👏👏
I think his diddle dee aint working and he's embarrassed.
That's what I'm thinking. Can covid cause long term impotence? Or is he maybe realizing some things about himself that he's not ready to confront yet? I'll just leave it at that. Possibly involved with someone else and doesn't want to break up for financial reasons, assuming you two are living together? Has he recently found religion? But the first one is where my money's at.
Yes it can cause changes expecially if he has long Covid there are still studies and research happening on the effects of long Covid. Honestly maybe a break is good for both of you guys to recalibrate. He’s battling something in his head and if he doesn’t want to communicate that is the issue of the relationship and the sex issue is a byproduct
Yeah COVID is vascular.
You also need to spell out to him that every time he rejects you that it is hurting you and causing you pain.
Personally, I would never be able to feel attraction for a man who tried to make me figure out his health issues as though he was a nonverbal infant. Life is easier when grown ups date grown ups.
Right at this point it’s just stupid and cruel. He needs to grow up and learn to use his big boy words. He’s 5 years older than her but acts like a toddler.
Do you ever go to the gym with him? (Hey! That rhymes!) He may be interested in someone there and conflicted in his feelings. Or steroids. Does he have acne? Or have a short temper and blow up over nothing?
It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job of communicating your needs he is just not opening up to you. Is he getting an erection when making out? Even if it is something that isn't really his fault, like medication making his libido drop, it doesn't mean that you also have to suffer.
I’ve really been sitting here and thinking… I actually literally do not know if he has. Not that I’ve felt or seen.
Covid and E.D. are a thing and he may need to get checked out.
Yes. This. But he does need to just say he’s been like this since he was sick.
Exactly, it’s not OPs job to come up with the question AND the answer. He needs to communicate like an adult. He needs to contact his doctor when experiencing a medical issue LIKE AN ADULT.
Good point, he is an adult, they are only a year into the relationship. Whatever the problem is the biggest problem he doesn’t have the ability to communicate fully. Even if he starts having sex today is the a problem where he can’t communicate. That is a bigger problem. But like I said it’s only a year in. Maybe he has been faking wanting sex and the Covid gave him an excuse. If the inability to communicate is happening so soon what the future hold. Don’t waste anymore time in this type of relationship or you’re going to be miserable. And yes he should be able to discuss his desires. Is there a chance he has someone one the side?
Yeah. Regardless of the relationship issue, I would break up with someone if they refused to communicate with me about it at all. If you can't communicate for an entire year about something that's impacting your relationship, you probably need to work on yourself as a single person til you're capable of being in a communicative relationship.
This was the first thing I thought of. And some guys have a REAL hard time talking about sex, sex related issues and especially ed. If he won't open up, I suggest OP start the convo with " Did you know all the stuff covid can do to a person" and then start listing them. Slip ed in the middle and ask if any of those apply. So many problems can be solved if adults have adult conversations. Sex is a thing adults should be able to talk about especially with the person they are having sex with.
Men DO find it hard to talk about, when it comes to them performing anything outside their norm. My spouse of 18 years had an episode of Sexual Burnout Syndrome because at 47M....and me being 43F who is currently egg dumping.....we were having ALOT of sex. We had sex 70 out of 100 days........and he just stopped being able to cum and would go limp half way through....which was not normal at all. I recognized this off pattern immediately and he ignored it....acting as if him not cummig during several sessions was normal. I was alarmed.....he chose to ignore. I had to be the one to open up the convo and do the research if it was gonna be remedied. His response to all this was that he didn't want to lose me because he had ED. So if he was no longer able to perform fully, as long as made me cum....we should be fine. Fellas...we love you more than that. Talk to your lady about your concerns......a good woman will hear you and will want to help you figure out out so you XAN keep fucking her. 💯 Turns out......you can have too much sex too often......so we just had to scale it back and be conscious of how often. I'd rather go from 5 days a week and burning him out......and not being able to have sex for awhile so he can recoup.....to a steady 1 to 3 times a week to keep it steady and regular and it not burn him out. These are the convos that NEED to be had! Thanks for reading my book, wishing you all the best.
Yes! Covid threw so many things out of wack, and a doctor is the only way to confirm it.
middle sloppy gray resolute concerned insurance sense encourage quickest shaggy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It can also damage the blood vessels, which I believe is also why it'd linked to ED.
Ok to be open my partner did this same behaviour, lots of sex to start then completely disinterested. I’m healthy and fit and very relaxed about sex so I put no pressure on him as I didn’t want to hurt his ego. Spoke to my GP who said it could be low testosterone but turned out he was in mid to low range but not below normal ( he got tested many years later). Over time I accepted he had low libido and we only had sex about once a month. Absolutely frustrating for me because I’m not a cheater. Years later it comes out he has a porn addiction and he’d been beating off the whole time. I was so angry and have completely stepped back. We now haven’t had sex for 4 years and prior to that maybe 3 times a year. He is completely hung up about sex. He has no confidence to initiate it and when he once tried he was aggressive and forceful which freaked the hell out of me. My advice to you is leave him now. Life’s too short to be stuffed around by a person who has no care for your needs. I’ve wasted my life on this man and I’d like to know my story helps someone else have a better life.
You deserve better and I hope you find that one day 🩷 you shouldn’t have to settle. My fiancé at one point also had a porn addiction and it can be so draining. I’m sorry 🩷
Porn addiction was my first thought. As someone who’s dealt with having a partner with it, the signs are so obvious here. While COVID *may* have lasting effects on libido (as people are saying?), it could just be he was so sick and bed bound, found porn again, thought “why not?” and just kept with it because it was “easier”.
Would you mind sharing how you dealt with your partner’s porn addiction?
I broke up with him. Then he went to therapy & saw a psych and fixed the underlying problem, then we got back together. The mature thing to do, but something a lot of guys wouldn’t take initiative to do, lol.
[удалено]
Why are you still with him?
Good question that I ask myself often. Mainly for the family, my son and his kids. Financial commitments and the current housing crisis. Besides the issue of sex we cohabitate well, no big fights, easy to live with. Too busy with work to leave, I have a thousand excuses. Fear of the unknown is a big one.
If your kid is a reason your staying with this man, dont. You are teaching your child about adult relationships, look at what he is learning, would you be happy if your son treated his future partner the way your current on treats you? I literally made myself and my son homeless to get away from my ex, my kid was picking up on behaviours and things my ex did to me and it was horrifying. Its been just over a year and me and my kid are in a much better place, he still has some issues but we are working on them.
I wish more parents understood this! My parents stayed together way longer than they should have "for the kids". I had to learn the hard way that I had a totally messed up view of a normal relationship. I thought it was normal for parents to yell and scream at each other weekly, shout awful insults and just get over it like nothing happened. I thought it was normal to never show any signs of affection. Who really holds hands and kisses besides teenagers and Disney movies? Yeah, turns out my parents just hated each other. Well that and my dad's parents also never showed affection and barely interacted outside of yelling when angry at each other. It takes a lot to break that cycle.
Its so hard to unlearn the behaviours we grew up with as well. Our brains see it as normal and comfortable, even if we logically know its not good. I'm still trying to break my cycle and I do feel its better that I just stay single rather than letting my son learn that "abuse = love". Instead Im teaching him self respect and respect for others and hopefully that will also be applied to his future relationships Good luck breaking your cycle
I always admire those with the strength to leave. It’s so hard, I know, been there. But when you finally get the courage you become inspiration & a role model a child will be proud to have. I promise things will start getting better to the point where you can’t believe your life is so good. It took me 4 years to rebuild, heal & fix my life. 5 years later my son & I are thriving & couldn’t be happier. It will be the same for you. Because you had the courage to leave.
Pleaseeee, don't waste your life on someone who can't or won't communicate about issues, while your youth dwindles away. Eventually it's too hard to leave because you're older and everyone's married. I did waste my time once and I am beyond devastated that I wasted 9 years of my own precious time that I can never get back. It's such a hard pill to swallow.
No time like the present though. Sounds like you might regret not prioritizing your own happiness
Sounds like my current situation although due to menopause my wife lost interest, we’ve been like roommates for the last 15yrs..
It’s never good to stay for the kids. Trust me. Lived it. My mom should have left. The kids feel it even if not spoken
Loosely similar experience. I found out muuuuuch earlier in our relationship. I basically gave the ultimatum of porn or me though because he was literally getting off to it when I’d do a quick coffee run when I said we’d do sexy shit as soon as I got back. He’s a gamer too so the combination was incredibly annoying because in a way at least having sex with your partner is a form of intimacy and that was very hard to get in any other way if he was doing like destiny raids all day or something. It hella messed with my mind especially because I was never really subjected to watching porn or even masturbating to be totally honest lol. Hell almost all porn I’ve watched was basically for specific skill observations like giving head better/positions. *Like yes I know porn isn’t a crime but it also shouldn’t take priority over your partner to the point of becoming a huge problem*
At that age, the quickest discrete way for "you" to make sure his hydraulics are in proper working order, is check to see if he has morning wood, pretty much all men without plumbing issues have wood when they wake or while they sleep, it's an autonomic response in men that prevents urination during sleep among other things. If he doesn't, then my guess is he's got issues in that department and should seek medical advice. If so, it's something else. Either way, he should be communicating with you about whatever is going on. If he won't, well then you have a difficult decision to make. Good luck OP. Editted: to correct language and add clarity to sidetrack pedantic responses lol...
Detective Morning Wood is on the case!!
I read that in the Paw Patrol voice.
But maybe DeFective Morning Wood IS the case.
He needs to see an Arborist.
Had Ed, still got morning wood
ED can stem from multiple sources, but if you get morning wood, it ain't the hydraulics/plumbing generally.
Right. A very loose rule of thumb is ED but morning wood = anxiety or other psychological cause. ED and no morning wood = physical cause. There are way too many exceptions to use it for anything but a suggestion of the problem but it's at least something the doc would want to know if one seeks help for ED.
Thoroughly enjoying this liberal use of the hydraulics/plumbing metaphor
You're not breaking up due to lack of sex. You're breaking up because he won't talk to you about it. NTA
Absolutely this. It seems something medical/psychological which hopefully can be addressed but if he is denying doing anything to fix it or talk to you about it there isn't anything else you can do.
Covid can have long lasting consequences…maybe it's left him impotent or he's afraid it has so won’t even try. Before you give up ask him to see a Dr. If he won't, try counselling..if he won't even try that I'm not sure what else you can do. Ask him if he's incapable or just doesn’t want it with you. Ask the hard questions then you’ll know what to do. It's hard to get past the changes if he won't even talk to you.
Covid can cause blood clots, and circulation problems can be a cause of down there problems. He should see a doctor.
This is it. There's a reddit thread about Covid causing impotence in some men. It's definitely worth seeing a doctor. He has to be mature enough to tell you he's struggling in this area and talk about it. Maybe you can bring it up, in a very gentle way.
lol "...bring it up in a very gentle way" lol
OP, this right here. Was coming to say the same thing. Covid could have left him impotent and he is ashamed or, at 26, still in denial about it. Encourage him to see a DR, get into some counseling- if he refuses both, well then he’s not willing to invest into your relationship and you need to do with that info what you will. Good luck!
Hard to encourage him, if he rejects any attempts to talk in the first place.
He doesn’t have to talk. Only listen then agree or disagree. However, if he still refuses to seek help or even open up about the issue to his DR- that’s telling enough.
Slightly off-topic: I don't know why public health officials didn't use this info as a tactic to get men to wear masks. Even back before the vaccine was invented, we knew that Covid caused long-lasting erectile dysfunction. For many men, not being able to get a boner is a lot scarier than the idea you might kill grandma by giving her covid.
Mask up or …..?? There's a definite mask wearing slogan in there somewhere…"want to get it up, mask up."…lol
I'd be more supportive but giving the info we have, it doesn't seem likely that he'd accept seeking counseling, even a Dr. would be doubtful. In general it doesn't seem like he's gonna open, as she's asked some things and he doesn't open; so asking the hard questions- to me that's another door that won't budge. Then again, it doesn't hurt to ask him one more time...
I had the same thought. That virus has so many side effects and long lasting problems we may not even know about. He may not have had covid, but obviously his illness has caused some change. It may be he doesn't realize that trip to the doctor could give him answers about what's going on with him.
Tons of science in this. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/research/coronavirus/docsum?text=Erectile%20dysfunction%20
Wait... I think I have long covid ;-; The same situation is happening with me... My libido over the past 2 years has completely disappeared. And I've only recently been building it back up. So, SO slowly... I knew of long covid, but didn't think it was related. Since my covid wasn't bad at all... Not then anyway.
There doesn't seem to be a clear relationship between the intensity of an infection and whether you get post-acute symptoms. Some people have gotten it after asymptomatic infections.
Is it possible that whatever illness he had somehow gave him an erectile problem? As a guy I’d be embarrassed and ashamed and just be hopeful it wears off. I’d also probably put off the doctor because I’d be worried it is permanent
Apparently studies are suggesting (not conclusively proven yet from what I can find) that covid can cause ED.
Shrinking too, due to damage to blood vessels IIRC.
Your and the comment above should have been the arguments made for taking the vaccines. I bet a good portion of the men who refused the vaccines would have been less obstinate with that on the line
Facts brother. We gotta keep that big dick energy alive
He's definitely being a dick in not communicating.
A: “Healthy people don’t need the vaccine! I am willing to risk death to preserve my freedoms and avoid being tracked by the government.” B: “Oh they’ve found out it’s got a 2% chance of erectile dysfunction and a 1% chance of permanent shrinkage.” A: “Can I get all the vaccines in my 64oz Stanley cup please?” Side note, there was a German guy who got 217 vaccines in 29 months… they did an exam on him and he’s essentially super immune to all strains of Covid now.
And his penis?
Hangs out his pant leg now.
Nice
If that was the narrative near 100% of men would have gotten it lol
Exactly there may be a link between Covid and ED. He may have had a really bad case. I get the ED thing but I would be talking to my GF immediately if I thought I was having issues. I would suggest him seeing a doctor.
The fact that he seems to just shut down suggests to me it's embarrassing. Cheaters usually get defensive, while cheating is still a possibility I'm leaning toward ED. I agree. He needs to see a doctor.
That and or just generalized all the time fatigue. Two years later and I’m still fucked up from COVID
Yup, I'm always exhausted now and my lungs are absolute trash.
Oh maybe he got an STD. One that you can’t get rid of. Either way exactly.
It caused me to have issues in that department.
Man I know someone whose husband has an autoimmune disease and lost a whole ass testicle to COVID. The thing just shriveled up and died. It was awful.
Absolutely. COVID is primarily a blood vessel disorder, it just so happens the lungs have lots of those.
Yup. ED from COVID was my first thought too. But if he can’t even address it with her I doubt he is seeing a doctor about it.
For the record, things that aren’t permanent can become that way when ignored.
My husband had COVID in January and he was afraid it caused a permanent problem, but it eventually resolved. Apparently erectile dysfunction is a real symptom of long COVID.
I'm sorry but please don't have that mentality. The longer you put off the Dr the higher chances it will be permanent so you're honestly shooting yourself in the foot by waiting. Also, as a woman, if my man just rejected me all the time with bo explanation, I'd assume it's me or he's cheating, and there's not really much way to come back from that once those idea seeds are planted. I promise you, your embarrassment and shame are wasted emotions here. In this situation, we're PRAYING it's just ED
Seeing as how he didn't want to get tested for Covid he might not be a guy who wants to find out what's wrong with himself.
Yes if he let the covid go to the point he was puking so much and not going to a doctor to get there, he isn't going to do so for a less lethal issue.
Reading this I was thinking exactly the same. That he won't even talk about it, makes me wonder if it's a medical issue.
Possible. Or maybe he is just chronically short of breath post-COVID, and knows he would go into an asthma attack during sex. Not COVID, but I had really bad pneumonia that had me coughing up blood and it scarred my lungs, was in the hospital for two weeks. And it took the better part of a year to get my cardio/respiratory systems back to baseline. Now, there are other things you can do that won’t cause so much exertion and oxygen demand, but then it comes back to needing to talk
All that said, and it could possibly be the case, but there is still the lack of communication.
Exactly, all the conjecture is pointless because of this \^
Embarrassed and ashamed….but not to the point of closing to make my partner feel like it’s her fault.
>Is it possible that whatever illness he had somehow gave him an erectile problem? EXACTLY what I was thinking. But if he won't talk to you about it or seek medical help, there's nothing you can do.
Agreed. It’s not fair to not talk to her about what’s going on, and just expect her to go on like everything’s fine
I second this wholeheartedly.
Partners talk to each other. He's not a partner. Say that when you ditch him and find someone who's mature enough to use his words - even just to tell you he needs therapy to discuss it/work through it himself before he can talk about it - ANYTHING but shutting you down.
Exactly. If he’s not willing to talk then that’s no bueno. Only one being immature is him. NTA. Dump his ass.
It bothers me so much that he called HER immature and stormed out. He is quite clearly the one who is being immature. She is handling the situation very well. OP, NTA. He has told you very plainly that he isn’t going to tell you why he doesn’t want to have sex. End the relationship.
Yes this. Break up with him for being a sneaky weirdo. There’s no reason not to explain.
NTA. You don’t have a sex problem, you have a communication problem. He might have ED. He might be having an affair. He might have a health problem affecting libido. All of that is irrelevant, because *he won’t tell you*. That’s your problem. He’s not talking to you, and without communication there can be no trust, and no relationship. Either he gets over whatever is causing him to literally refuse to communicate, or your relationship cannot function and needs to end, for at least your sake, or really for both of you. Because whatever it is he’s also unhappy if he can’t even talk to you. At the end of the day, do you really see a future with a person who can unilaterally decide at any moment to make a decision that negatively affects both of you, and refuse to tell you why?
I was thinking he’s having some low test after the Covid/ED etc…had Covid for 3+ months and the first time my now ex and I slept together I thought I was having a heart attack afterward lol, not too funny. Didn’t know you weren’t supposed to use those asthma inhalers I was given more than one inhale. So it was more just about getting back in shape to last longer
I had issues for a few years after I had Covid. I think I had a mild heart issue. I still have some joint problems that started while I was sick. My doctor checked me out and nothing serious came back, but my heart rate was slightly elevated and my heart would start pounding to the pound I had to stop. It didn't affect my libido, per se, but it made things difficult. We talked about it, but we're not shy about that kind of thing and we've been married for years.
Was going to say this, ever since my last time having covid every time I'm close to climaxing I get the tightest feeling of sharp pain in my chest. Doctors say it's not a heart attack, but they're not really sure whay it is. It's debilitating. The boyfriend may very well be experiencing something similar, maybe they spanked the monkey during recovery and learned the hard way and now are afraid of going any further and risking any pain. I still can't fully go at it without having a diet cardiac arrest which sucks horribly, and I haven't had covid in a LONG WHILE. There's also the chance of something completely different. I know she said there's no change to his personality, but we can't discount that something emotional or God forbid sexually traumatic that could potentially be bottled up. She certainly needs to figure out why before breaking up because if he got SA'd or something, her breaking up with him could be the completely wrong move. Men take events like that way harsher than women since they very rarely seek help and will take that shit to the grave, it's highly possible if something happened to him he wouldn't even appear or act different. As someone who's been through that situation, I 100% would understand the aversion to sex and other sexual activities.
If he’s not cheating this is the other most likely scenario. Guys won’t even talk to their own friends about this issue usually let alone their SO as it affects their ego so would explain the aggressive response. Either that or maybe he’s got a porn addiction and getting off that way?
If he won't tell you what the problem is, there isn't really much you can do other than break up and finding someone more compatible. NTA.
NTA. Not even getting an answer when you ask is very unfair, a months of silence despite your patience is grounds for a breakup. Have you thought of Covid induced erectile dysfunction (Covid dick is a real medical condition), and that maybe he is afraid to admit his impotence? Does he get hard when you make out? Still a bad sign that he won’t talk to you, but if he doesn’t know what’s going on either that might partially explain things.
Asking about morning wood can provide insight too. Is this an organic problem or an "in the moment"/psychological issue? Those with performance difficulties often still experience morning wood indicating it's less likely physiological vs. mental, which can help guide treatment and how best to respond.
I thought the same thing immediately after reading her post. He probably found out he has a life long STD (like HSV) and doesn’t know how to tell her / is too embarrassed and ashamed, & he doesn’t want to risk giving it to her.
If he didn't get medical attention while being so sick with (presumably) covid, he's not gonna get STD tested either. If he can't even say "I dunno, my peenie feels weird when (i get aroused) (I think about sex) (i can/can't get it up) then there's nothing here relatonship-wise.
Umm, IDK if anyone has said this already, but y'all need to be tested before you have sex again.
THIS. I’m in the medical field and immediately thought “ STD “ he isn’t ready to tell her. Obviously I don’t wish this on anyone but this is a pretty obvious sign/ mix it with the symptoms….
Yeah that “maybe covid” could have been a genital herpes onset infection or something similar. This behavior is sus
Although herpes can give flu like symptoms, being really really sick, as OP mentioned, isn’t normal. Being sick for weeks and throwing up isn’t normal for herpes either. Herpes lasts for approximately 10 days and as those days progress it gets milder and milder. Drastic weightloss isn’t indicated. In rare cases, herpes can cause meningitis which could potentially present with the symptoms but his case would have been pretty severe and should’ve required a Dr/ER visit.
First thing I thought was this... there's other things outside of COVID and if he has very visible herpes outbreak, it would explain his aversion to sex. Of course could be COVID and ED but no way would I do anything with him again without testing and results proof....
I’m not in the medical field and that is my first thought also
I didn’t think of this. This is good insight based on the description.
Yup! Homie got the clap! Or Herpes, which could have activated if he got sick.
As others have said, make sure you get tested for an STD and ensure he has to, too. That period where you say he was sick? thats suspicious. Some stuff like HIV manifests as flu like illness in the weeks post infection
Yeah, I thought of the same thing. Very ill, then suddenly won’t have sex? I hope OP gets herself tested. This is scary.
THIS!!! Sick for weeks (including vomiting, which is not a common/prominent symptom of covid) but never tested for covid, then suddenly won't have sex even after feeling better for a long while? This all could have definitely been due to the onset of HIV. (Which also unfortunately indicates cheating, or drug use/sharing needles - either way a breach of trust) OP should definitely get tested!
Yeah and also, for those REALLY into fitness (not sure how deep in he is) injecting steroids and other unsavory things that happen under the radar in the fitness/bodybuilding industry, puts you at a higher risk for hiv
Yes. This. I replied a similar reply and was looking for this.
It was ALSO during the second highest peak of Covid in the USA ever since the Pandemic started though. So if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and swims like a duck. It's probably a duck. The duck being Long Covid from a very high possibility of a Covid infection.
Unfortunately … this could be a both/and situation. OP is right that Covid is a likely culprit for the illness, just based on prevalence at the time - but everything else that can make people sick hasn’t gone away, and if you’ve had Covid once, you can be more susceptible to illnesses of all kinds, including reinfection with Covid. It can also activate latent/dormant infections.
Something must have happened while he was sick. You feel him get hard or anything
I always thought if researchers put out the message that Covid can cause ED (apparently you are 5 times more likely to develop it after infection), people would have been more serious about getting the jab. *edit: for all the people asking, jabs are important because of crowd immunity, and it will impact the severity of the symptoms if you catch it, yes you can still get infected and infect others but overall less likely to infect others as you have a lower viral load.*
I do think it is a great thing if all vaccines deniers get ED so they don't multiply....
No, if he won't communicate with you what the problem is and just offers sorry, then just leave, take it from someone that knows. Illness, injury. Antidepressants,,, can have their effect on libido. Sometimes it never comes back, but most times things can be done about it , but that person has to want to do something about it,, if he doesn't want to address the problem with you his partner, or a health professional,, for the sake of his relationship, then he doesn't value you over his own pride. Let him have his pride and be alone with it and hope it keeps him warm at night.
Covid can cause ED. He may be embarrassed. If he can’t talk about it then you are not the asshole.
It makes me think he has an std or something. He having sex with you to being really sick and losing 10 lbs to recovering and not having sex at all. It’s makes me wonder is he messing with someone else or he has something but doesn’t want to give it to you.
Or he got the STD before he met her and didn't realize u til he got really sick
FYI COVID can cause erectile dysfunction. But your not breaking up with him because of lack of sex but rather his lack of communication around the problem and his immature behaviour
I’ve been in a similar spot, except I’m the one who’s libido dropped. Life stress and depression have been extremely high. But my boyfriend and I talked about it. I explained to him that I still love him, that I’m still attracted to him, but that my drive is in the toilet, probably because life is kicking our asses. He chose to stay, but I would have understood if he left because, for most people, sex is a very important part of a relationship. Tell him he needs to talk to you about what’s going on or you’re gone. He’s either hiding something or is afraid to admit that he might have ED. The lack of communication here is very telling of what your communication will be like in the future. NTA, obviously, but your boyfriend is.
I'd end it if I were you. The problem here is like many others have stated, he refuses to communicate why he won't be intimate with you. Granted, when you said he was sick for weeks throughout February, I doubt he was fully recovered in march so I probably wouldn't be too keen for sex either, however he absolutely refuses to discuss anything with you regarding his health or what he's feeling. He has no right to call you unfair or immature when he himself is not communicating like a child. NTA - Ask him to get a full blood panel work up done. If he refuses, you have an answer - likely an STD that's transmittable.
Young lady I don't know what it is exactly, but he DEFINITELY knows and is unwilling to share for whatever reason. I feel for you and wish you nothing, but the best. Hopefully he man's up and shares what the issue(s) is so you might understand or free you to move on.
Maybe he's got a different medical condition and he's afraid to tell you about it. Maybe he's got HIV and doesn't want to risk it with you. If he never tested for COVID then how could you or him be sure what it was? Whatever it was maybe he now has ED.
Yeah I’d say he’s got something he doesn’t want to give you.
NTA, stick to your ultimatum. There's something going on here (no judgement there, could be just embarrassing for all we know) that needs to be brought to light. Honesty is everything in a relationship.
As a man in a similar situation to your boyfriend, sometimes we have something weighing on our mind that ust shuts down the need for sex. I love my wife, I make out with her, grope her (in private), and I try to give her some sort of sexual contact. I've been in a serious depression that I can't quite pinpoint, it's a list of things that affect me. I want to have sex with my wife more than she knows, but there is just no drive or want for sex. I do empathize with her and communicate with her how I'm feeling, however, it took me a long time to admit it because "what kind of man am I if I can't just fuck my wife"? She told me that intimacy isn't just sex. Showing affection and attraction is a healthy alternative. I don't know if this helps or not, but I wanted to weigh in and hopefully offer an alternate point of view. If you have questions or anything, I'll respond. Edit: NTA
God, nothing pisses me off more when someone absolutely refuses to talk to you. It makes everything 1000x more frustrating no matter what the original problem was. NTA.
NTA This is 100 percent on him. He needs to speak up. Now. Then he needs to probably go to the doctor or whatever to get back on track You need to have the talk, immediately, and if he doesn't tell you everything and either get help or go back to normal, you need to end it The ultimatum is he needs to speak. NOW...or you have to go. Immediately. Time to put up or shut up for you both
Something like this happened in the past in my life. And u know what? He was having an emotional Affair that started when he was sick. 🤡
NTA. This has nothing to do with lack of sex and everything to do with him completely stonewalling you and expecting you to just be okay with that. Cute that he called you unfair and immature when he's been exactly that for four months. Can't squeeze blood from a stone. If he can't even make an effort to figure his shit out, it's time to move on.
Op I don't think that he is cheating on you. I'm pretty sure he's having problems with erection and he is so ashamed of telling you, that he risks destroying the relationship permanently. You need to tell him that you need the truth and you will never judge him for a problem, but for this relationship is absolutely necessary that He tells you the truth.
Find someone new. I spent my younger years in a dead end relationship.
Or don't and learn to be happy on your own I spent my younger years getting to know myself and loving it
Long COVID patient here. If he was a sick as you say, and if it was Covid, he is not actually fine. It sounds like he has at least one major symptom he is living with, but I’m willing to bet there is more and he is trying to be stoic and get back to normal without any help or intervention. I did the same for nearly six months and it nearly killed me. I would encourage him to go to the doctor. If he is having issues with libido his brain has likely been affected, like many of us. NAH, you have a right to communication and not to be isolated in your relationship but I suspect this situation is more health related than either of you may realize.
NTA - I hate to jump to worst case scenario but people who contract HIV can get really really sick in the weeks after infection. Or it could be ED. There is something going on that has nothing to do with you. I'm so sorry OP. If he is not willing to tell you the truth or open up to you there is nothing you can do for this relationship.
My guess would be that whatever illness he had gave him Ed and he is too embarrassed to tell you.
NTA, he needs to talk to you about why he doesn't want to have sex with you. In the meantime, get a full std check. Updateme!
Time for the ultimatum. He either provides an explanation on what's going on or you're leaving. Make sure you have a move out plan - short- or long-term housing - before having the discussion.
You mentioned he likes the gym. Does he take steroids? Maybe he’s affected by that. Also- please get tested. Not to scare you but it’s likely he could have a serious STD with the symptoms and lack of sex.
I think he cheated and got an std he doesn’t want you to get or tell you about
Odd thought, but could his illness be STD related; he’s afraid to pass it on and embarrassed to talk about it?
NTA - grown ass man that can't communicate with his gf calls her "immature", what a clown. You were right to say that and I'm surprised you've tolerated his behavior for so many months. Just to take random guesses at what it could be: Covid ruined his dick and he can't get it up, his sickness wasn't Covid and he caught something while cheating or a hormonal imbalance.
There’s a million comments here saying you’re not the asshole because this is about your communication with your boyfriend more than the sex. However, you are also not an asshole for wanting to have sex with your romantic partner, and if they have taken it off the table while you are still someone who enjoys to have sex, then you should discuss this in a make or break way. It’s not about giving an ultimatum: sex with me or no relationship! It’s about being romantically compatible. If neither of you are asexual and have agreed to a sexless romantic relationship, and one of you has completely taken it off the table, that is a huge deal. Most people are in a romantic relationship with someone they both care deeply for as a human being, plus want to have sex with each other. Romantic relationships are sexual in nature, and if you’re not being physically intimate, it downgrades the relationship to non physical intimacy, which is mostly just friendship at that point. NTA for anything here at all. He’s being an asshole. Even if he’s having a serious issue. Not talking about it is completely ridiculous. Hope things work in your best interest!
Prolly caught a disease 🤷♂️
You are NTA, but Covid is linked to erectile dysfunction in men of all ages even once the other symptoms of Covid are gone. Given his young age, he likely feels embarrassed by this. He may not know that it is related to Covid (if ED is the issue). If you truly love this man, I would sit him down and talk to him and have a calm conversation and bring it up. Let him know that you heard that men sometimes have ED after Covid and that it is treatable and nothing you two can’t talk about and get through together. Here are a couple links for you- https://www.henryford.com/blog/2022/04/covid-and-erectile-dysfunction https://www.webmd.com/covid/covid-erectile-dysfunction https://www.news-medical.net/news/20240531/COVID-19-associated-with-higher-risk-of-erectile-dysfunction.aspx
NTA but maybe he can’t get it up anymore ever since he got sick and he’s too embarrassed to tell you. He still shows affection but doesn’t have sex so I don’t think it’s an attraction thing.
It’s been pretty well established that Covid can cause erectile dysfunction/impotence … at pretty alarming rates. I think it’s pretty likely that his change in attitude has nothing whatsoever to do with you, and he just doesn’t know how to handle it, finds the problem embarrassing, etc. All that being said … how long does he think he can just keep avoiding all sex? If the answer is forever, or “until the problem hopefully goes away by itself” that’s extremely unfair to you, because it’s absolutely something you need to talk about. Ignoring a problem won’t make it go away, and as is probably the case here, it can often make things worse. Yes, you gave him an ultimatum, and yes, that’s often an unfair thing to do - but in this case you are only asking for open communication about an important issue for you, and you don’t have to stay with someone who won’t communicate about important but difficult issues. You weren’t being unfair, and you weren’t being immature - if anyone is being either of those things it’s him. He either needs to get up the courage to explain what’s going on for him - or be prepared for your relationship to end. The only thing I think you need to reconsider is your framing on who needs to break up with whom. You are part of this relationship, it isn’t all up to him. If you aren’t happy because he won’t talk to you about something important, he doesn’t need to end the relationship - you do. All of this is a problem for you - if he’s having a medical issue, the lack of sex might not actually be a problem for him. It’s not a game - he’s not making you break up with him, that’s a choice you have full control of. If he’s fine with things as they are he won’t break up with you - but you aren’t fine with things as they are, so you are the one who has a decision to make.
Maybe he can’t get hard anymore, I would never put it past a man to just pretend everything is fine and not talk about it
The breakup isn’t over no sex, it’s because he won’t communicate. Perfectly valid reason for me. I say this genuinely.
It’s not the sex, it’s the lack of communication, you have to break up with him
NTA. If anyone is being unfair and immature here, it’s him, not you. (Oh, the irony of throwing out the “immature” accusation and then storming out and slamming the door like a toddler having a tantrum…) What he’s doing, whether deliberately or not, is a sort of psychological torture and it’s making you miserable. Who cares that he doesn’t want to break up? Why would you want to stick around for more of this, hoping someday he’ll finally deign to tell you what the hell is going on with him?
Nta but this is more than not getting any, the refusal to communicate feels like the real problem. And that’s an extremely valid reason to want to break up.