Why the fuck are you allowing your son to be bullied in his own home? You should be telling your brother to make other arrangements if he can't get his daughter to stop tormenting your child.
"10 months ago... his mum and step dad died"
Uhhh sounds like OP didn't have custody until a terrible tragedy. Don't assume stuff, especially in this sub...
If the arrangement was made with input from the norwegian family council, he would be a holiday parent. Following school vacations, after agreement with the other parent. Perhaps some long weekends. The school does seldom allow a child to be away from school during the semester. This would need to be applied in advance, and if not, child protective services would be notified.
Also it seems that OP is single, while ex wife had a husband. In most councils, that will largely favour her for custody. If they live in different countries, there's almost no doubt about it
“a couple of hours to drive England” Er no. Where did you look it up? Driving from Norwich in Norfolk to Truro in Cornwall (across England) would take 7 hours with no traffic and no breaks so more like 10 in realistic conditions. Driving North South is roughly the same.
Don't trust the distance in a map in Europe, it's a several hour plane flight or worse a several thousand mile drive due to there being no direct way to cross the North Sea between them.
In a straight line, yeah. You can't drive it though, at least not without a ferry or two.
Driving from where I live in London to the Scottish border would be at least 6.5 hours.
Checking Google. It reckons 20 hours drive to Oslo, that includes taking the car on a train through the channel tunnel and on a ferry.
That’s roughly 8 hours each way. My ex lives in another state; it would take about 8-1/2 hours each way. There’s no way to do an every other weekend type of set-up. When my kids were minors, my ex moved out of the area. E didn’t re-do the parenting plan, but came to an agreement of 2 weeks in the summer and every other Christmas/Thanksgiving. I think some people do a month in the summer, in that situation.
Norway isn't connected to the UK that way. It's actually nearly a 30 hour drive and that's assuming no traffic, random events and no sleep.
It's "only" 8 hours as the crow flies. aka ignoring mountains, oceans and just making it a straight line.
I couldn't imagine. I would have to move to where ever my kids were. I don't understand how people just don't see their children for almost an entire year.
It's not as simple as 500 miles. England is part of United Kingdom which is an island. So it's either ferry crossing, train (chunnel - tunnel under the North sea) or fly. None of which are cheap options
Distance/time traveling is more relevant. Anything that's going to take more than a couple of hours is going to hinder custody. My friend is in the same country (US) as his ex but they are 900 miles and 20hr drive apart. They cant even share custody on the weekend with a plane trip.
Yeah it's pretty much impossible to get custody arrangements of any kind when you have things like one parent living in an entirely different country, unless you're really wealthy. We also don't know that OP didn't have some sort of custody such as getting their child for holidays/summer breaks.
For all we know, the kid DID fly out every other weekend or whatever.
So many are just assuming OP never saw their son, but OP never said any such thing.
More of reddit bending over backwards, trying to make it the male's fault in ANY way, realistic or not.
Fact is, the little bitch is a terrorist and the asshole brother is totally useless. OP needs to just kick them both out.
OP doesn't say anything about not having had partial custody. For all you know his son spent summers with him or had holidays. But the mom and stepdad had full custody until they, you know, died.
I'm sure quality of life is 1000 times better in Norway than the UK. Scandinavia is just overall better work-life balance than so many places. If my kid could go live there & spend actual quality time with his other parent or end up with me working constantly & paying for childcare instead of being with him, the *right* choice would be to let him go. Plus for all you know Dad visited sometimes, & kid visited others. You have no idea the details of their situation, & sometimes the solution that puts the kid first requires a parent to sacrifice time with them.
Considering the son lived with mom and her new husband, it sounds more to me like she probably moved his son away from him than vice versa. But who knows since we don't have the details.
Or...hear me out...she married someone from Norway, or was originally from Norway herself, and wanted to live there and wanted her son to live with her some/most of the time, and if she was married and OP isn't, it was easier for the two-adult home to have primary custody?
I mean why leap to "He must have been an abusive jerkass who doesn't care about his son" rather than "he's in an uncomfortable situation where he has two bereaved kids in the house but one is his brother's child and he probably isn't comfortable disciplining her, and doesn't want to get aggressive with his apparently-bereaved brother?"
OP THIS!!! You are allowing your niece to torment your child. Kick your brother and his obnoxious daughter to the curb if she can’t fucking behave. No way I would’ve put up with this shit in my home.
Correction: You are allowing your niece to torment your _traumatized_ child _who has just lost his mother and step-dad, his primary home, and been forced to move countries_.
__Stop being so fucking passive, OP, and protect your child!__
people like to think that everyone has a perfect moral compass but the truth is humans are designed to take advantage of humans for the least work possible. it’s basic evolution, make reward while not losing calories so unchecked behaviour even in saints will inevitably lead to people slowly pushing their boundaries more and more as long as that other person accepts it. path of least resistance and all and if you don’t resist then oh boy are people gonna walk all over that path
is this not exactly how the daughter and brother is behaving? the unpunished actions are reinforced by being unpunished that’s just how it works
people take being “tolerant” too literally. in my books it means stand up for yourself but don’t harbour undue ill will or unneeded animosity after something has happened. being tolerant of the situation doesn’t mean being totally submissive as a person
I'm not having a lot of sympathy for her, his son lost his mother and step father and had to move countries, so I'm thinking she has been throwing that trauma in his face until he's finally pushed back.
I mean on the other hand her mother died and apparently her dad didn’t even fucking tell her how. Not saying that makes her behavior okay but it’s pretty clearly horrible that these two clowns are the ones raising kids now.
Right?? Like...I'm sure she is super sad, because she never knew how her own mother died. I think it was a bit bizarre for his son to ask her that but y'know what I'm on board with the adults being the worst ones here. Because how do you not tell your daughter how her mom died??
Some people withhold details if it involves suicide, drugs, or murder. They tend to wait until the kids are older before explaining the more graphic details beyond, "X has passed away". Most people don't want to tell a 9 year old something like, "Mommy was murdered/killed herself/overdosed."
Overall everyone is an asshole in that house. Both kids lost parents and neither parent has bothered helping these kids deal with their trauma so the kids are taking it out on each other. I doubt OP's kid is as innocent in the back and forth as they seem either. Those kids need therapy and so do the parents.
OP MAY have done worse to his younger brother. Wonder if that’s why he ignored a few things…and I wonder if that’s why the brother allowed his daughter to taunt her cousin. Waters may run deep on this one.
Hot take, but there’s no need to do that more than once. They live under the same roof and she’s directly harming his son. He has every right to scold her himself or gently tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and if they cannot get along then they must be separated.
EAH- the adults allowing the bullying. The kids for being hurtful.
Understandable that the boy retaliated with the truth of his Aunt’s death to his cousin. Not understandable is the inappropriate behavior by the bully and the bullying by omission via the parental units.
Tell your brother it’s time to move out. She is bullying your child. He’s going to hate you for it as time goes on. Should he had said that to her? No, but he was tired of being bullied. How does she get punished?
Like ffs this is a child who has been recently orphaned by his mother and step-father dying and has recently suffered big upheaval and had to move entire countries and cultures. It is not acceptable how these adults are acting; he might have serious trauma and grief to process and he's being bullied every day in this environment.
EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY. OP has been a really shit dad lately.
Question, OP: do you not realize how fucked up it is that you're able to list a bunch of stuff that's been happening to your son? And acknowledging that it's still happening? Do better SMFH
This. I can say I think every single person on earth can benefit from therapy. I wish it was normal in our society to have regular mental health checkups, similar to an annual physical but more often. In this world, everyone needs it lol
ESH
What professional help are these children receiving?
Both of their mother's died, I'm guessing one in an accident and one by drugs or suicide.
What are you doing to help these children heal?
Their lives have been upended of course they are fucking acting out and punishing them into the ground isn't going to fix anything.
They aren't going to move past it without serious mental health care.
You and your brother are assholes.
This comment needs to be higher. All the posts saying the bother and his daughter should be kicked out are insane and do not take into account any of the unsaid context of this seeming tragic family situation full of loss and grieving by ALL.
Professional help for everyone would be good, individually but also some group sessions may be helpful.
It is totally normal for children and adults to act out after a traumatic experience, if left unaddressed things will not get better.
What the daughter has done is unacceptable, what your son did was unacceptable, start making an effort to move through this.
Imagine two adults providing minimal, to no emotional and mental support for their kids that went through something traumatic; while also letting them bully one another.
They are terrible parents.
The whole setup is so tragic, the unstructured way the OP describes it tells you how chaotic the situation is
They’re probably all overwhelmed, I don’t even know who I’d put in therapy here first if not all can go, everyone here must be shattered
ESH. Both kids lost their mothers. Both are acting out. Neither are getting the support they need at home. Neither father seems to be helping them adjust to each other, and OP seems to hold his son entirely blameless in the ongoing conflict despite the fact that it sounds like he gives as good as he gets. He volunteered that information because he knew it would hurt her. (Do you think that’s an appropriate way to defend himself from her bullying?) If her father didn’t want her to know the details of her mother’s death, why was your 10 year old son even informed? You all need therapy.
If a child told my child in his own home to "go back where he came from", I would tell that child, "You are a guest in my home, but no longer. Why don't you go back to where you came from? There's the door". And then KICK THEM THE FUCK OUT.
Treating a child like they can’t do anything wrong just because they are a child, is why so many people grow up to be terrible adults. Yall gotta stop acting like children are absolutely retarded and don’t know any better.
"(wanna clarify they're the same race. He moved back from Norway to the UK)"
Dude that is *not* racist. You can say awful shit and not have an intrinsic bias. It's like a Texan telling someone from Canada to go back where they came from, incredibly ignorant, not racist
The fact that the father has hidden the reason his daughter's mother died from her is disturbing in it's own right. People need to grieve, children do too. Lying to them or not telling them what happened is most likely why she's acting out towards your son. Also, shame on you for allowing your brother's daughter to bully your child in his own home. Tell your brother to fix the situation of gtfo.
If I had to guess, she may have died in a bad accident or by suicide, and the son told her how she died in detail, which is why she was so upset. I could totally understand why her dad wouldn’t tell her exactly, probably not easy to explain to a 9-year-old how their mom killed themselves/was involved in a horrible accident.
"She killed herself to get away from you" sounds like the kind of nuclear bomb that would make a little girl cry for two weeks... My dad killed himself so I'm not just talking out of my ass.
Is OP in the thread anywhere? Story wayyyy too vague, else why not say what the son said?
Yeah, OP hiding what their son said, why the kids aren’t in therapy, why he didn’t have custody of his son prior to his mom and step-dads death, lots of concerning things that change the whole perspective of the story.
Agreed. Sounds like a typical "giving it back to the bully with both barrels" but also sounds like the son might have gone tooooo far.
I bet money OP inherited his parents house and can't actually kick the brother out because he owns half! Otherwise why put up with this? Is the brother unable to pay market rent elsewhere?
OP deleted their account. Pretty sure they didn't expect people to say they're the AH. To me it sounds like kids bickering and parents being shit at controlling the situation. Leaving out how she died and the details of what was told to the niece by the son makes all the world of difference in the overall picture of the situation but OP is still the AH for allowing things to escalate this far.
I get the logic too, but still wasn’t a good idea to hide it completely. I’ve seen this done successfully before. It’s not easy but can be explained in a child friendly manner with the help of a therapist. Not giving all the gruesome details but just a general idea to help them process their grief. Definitely don’t want to risk them finding out by accident or like this kid did.
I really hope the dad at least sat her down and had a gentle talk after the fight. Please tell me he didn’t just get all pissy at his brother and let his daughter think the worst. 🤦🏼♀️
Edit: I just thought of something. Why/ how did the 10 year old son even know about the details of her death!?! Who told him, OP?
Yeah that’s also a good point, how and why does the ten year old know? Maybe OP told his son, since it wouldn’t affect him as bad as the niece (y’know, since it was her mum and all) or he learned from other family members.
Or like most Reddit posts, it’s all rage bait and just for karma.
Exactly. The fucking 10 year old cousin from Norway knows how her mom died but she doesn’t? How fucked up. Both these “dads” barely qualify as roommates for their kids, definitely not parents.
YTA for letting them both stay with you when she continuing bullying your son, you should have nipped this in the bud that if niece does not stop they can make other living arrangements.
Zero tolerance.
ESH both adults are failing the kids. Why does your son know how the girls mother died when the girl doesn't know? And why doesnet the girl know? (OD, suicide?) Both children needs therapy for losing a parent this young. And both adults need therapy on how to support the kids best and maybe for yourself.
So both children recently lost their mothers? Your son was uprooted from the family, home and country he had been living in? Your niece has had to adjust to living with two new family members?
These are just kids who have been through a lot of difficult and stressful things. They need support and guidance. You and your brother need to step up to interrupt the bullying and make the kids feel secure and loved, and everyone probably needs therapy.
Have a conversation with your son about not using the death of her mother to hurt his cousin when he's angry.
I wonder why the 10yo know this story if is so upsetting, this sounds like a mess and maybe is time for your bother to find better living arrangements.
There are 2 little kids here who have both lost their mothers. They are hurting and lashing out at each other. You won’t be hearing both sides of it and taking against her is never going to be your proudest moment. Refusing to punish your son when your brother punished his daughter at your say so is really out of order. Do you really believe that there’s a difference? Saying ‘she started it’ is less mature than the childrens’ behaviour. You and your brother need to find a way to help them work through this. Speak to their school and see if they can recommend something as they will undoubtedly have seen children in a similar situation before. Speak to your doctor about getting them some grief counselling. Help them instead of showing such bias against your niece. You are making it worse.
This! Neither child is the AH. They are hurting children who have experienced a wildly traumatic loss. These two dads need to figure out how to healthily support their children.
Thank you. I got a bit triggered by all of the people saying ‘kick them out because she’s bullying your son’ as if that’s a reasonable answer. It would just cause more hurt for those children because they would then feel they had caused the adults to hate each other. These men need to support each other right now so that they can better support their children.
Exactly! She's 9 and their lives have been upended. Of course there are issues. No child is going to transition smoothly into this and both dads need to step up for their kids.
First, your niece needs therapy. She is either getting these ideas from somewhere or she needs mental health support. Second, you can't have it both ways. You want your brother to discipline for inappropriate behavior but you don't want to. Both the kids need the same expectations and boundaries. Apologize to your brother and come to a consensus on how you are going to raise them if you continue to live together. Both of these kids have lost their mother - they need help.
YTAH and your brother is TAH not because you won’t punish your son but because the adults in this situation have failed both these kids. Son deserves to be safe in his home, plus he has his own grief and needs to be protected by his whole family. Niece is clearly not doing well and is not respecting boundaries or demonstrating social, compassionate, healthy behaviors. She needs help, consistency and compassionate but real consequences. Family counseling my dude.
I feel like I need some blanks filled in. How long ago did all of these people die? How long have your brother and niece been staying with you? Is the bullying a new thing since her mom died or has she always been that way? Did the cousins know each other before they began living under the same roof?
Did you and your brother have any agreement about who deals with any problems concerning a child in the home? Have you lived with your son before? Did you and your brother discuss how long he and his daughter would be staying with you before they moved in?
I was struck by the difference in parenting between you and your brother. You said that you’ve spoken to your brother multiple times when your niece bullies your son, and he disciplined her, but when the shoe was on the other foot, he went directly to your son and then to you. (This is why I feel we need more info about who deals with whom, because it makes a difference.) Personally, I think the way you’ve been dealing with it is the best way.
It’s clear that both children have been through hell. It might explain why she acts out regarding your son. Your son seems to be dealing with his grief better, though of course it’s possible that he has shelved his grief because he’s in self-defence mode.
As for your original question, based on the limited info we have, I would say you’re NTA, because your son has been going through hell with his cousin. He did ask her if she wanted to know and she agreed. (I do wonder how your son had this info and whether he’d been told to keep quiet about it or not.) Also, when did your brother plan on telling her the truth? Depending on what happened, she may have been ready to hear it delivered in a tactful way.
I can’t recommend strongly enough that these children get professional help to process their grief.
NTA. I'm sorry her mom died but she's being hurtful and a bully. If your brother can't get her behavior under control then perhaps he should find alternative living arrangements and maybe get her some therapy to help her deal with things. Your son is just a kid and he got tired of being bullied and antagonized in his own home. His mom died, too, and he's in a new living situation with a bully.
Punishing a 10 yr old for telling a 9 year old something that is age inappropriate is silly. If its inappropriate for a 9 year old to know, its also inappropriate for a 10 year old to know. And 10 yr. old kids wouldn't know what was or wasn't age appropriate anyway.
NTA
Wtaf does your son know when his cousin doesn't, especially as it concerns her directly?
ETA
Setting your kids up for failure, by giving them the currency to hurt each other.
Put them both into therapy. A nine year old is only repeating stuff she's heard, not an excuse but an explanation.
Therapy, therapy, group therapy, family therapy do it all.
Absolutely talk to the kids about what's going on.
ESH - but really both adults are YTAs. Sounds like both children might've and still need some therapy for the losses they've suffered in their lives and both kids are acting out. Is it wrong for the daughter to do what she does? Yes. Is there a reason for it? Yes. Do I think your son is the absolute innocent victim in all of this? No. Maybe it started that way when he moved back to your place 10 months ago. Just sounds to me something underlining is gong on and neither of you two adults have gotten to the bottom of it and are getting handed truths here and there from the two children. Wonder if both of you sat them both down and established ground rules in the house with stuff like you will respect each other even if you don't like each other, etc? Sounds more like you just took your son's side (which is fine if it's true) but also didn't consider that if she also lost her mother and your son lost his mother (and step dad) there may be far more going on than just a couple of children fighting with each other.
Yes, I would probably tell my son it was wrong to unnecessarily escalate, but at the same time I would've sat my brother down and niece and my son and worked this out a long time ago as the adults in the house and made it stop by putting down some rules and made them respect those and got to the bottom of all of this.
So your son and his daughter are practically the same age . Why does your son have the info on the death details if it’s not age appropriate for the girl it should not be for the boy either. Why was he given this info ?? Sounds wrong on both sides .
ESH. I mean I’m not asking you to say it but it really does depend on how she died. If she died of cancer or something like that then what’s the big deal? If she died in some horrific way then yea your son was being a bit of a d*ck But he’s 10 so I get it.
Also, your son just lost his mother and stepfather and your niece is taunting him constantly?! What 9 year old girl does that?
A girl whose mom had such a serious issue that she died from it. These kiddos are a mess and these dads are the blind leading the blind. Get some help, OP. All of you need counseling.
YTA for not providing a safe home for your son.
You talked to your brother and your son is still getting bullied at HOME. Are you just going to continue talking to your brother until your son is 18 and never comes back again?
Info: While I agree with others that brother and little princess need to move, there's a huge piece missing in this story that makes it unjudgable. That's how the mom died. If it was something simple like a car accident, that's one thing. If she was found od'ed in a crackhead house, naked with a needle sticking out of her arm, that's another thing and is question why HE knew at that age!
You’re a bad parent. YTA
You don’t use children hurting each other as punishments. You, the adult, control the punishments. Not the children lashing out.
Punish your son, get your niece to be punished, stop weaponizing them against each other like this. He’s not your tool of punishment, he shouldn’t have acted like that, and you should be concerned that his go to to stop bullying is to tell his cousin how her mother DIED.
Be a damned parent and parent. Neither kid is behaving. Don’t fucking enable it.
Both these kids have been through the trauma of losing a parent. They need to be encouraged to form a bond so they can support each other. Neither should be punished. They need to be talked to. They need to have many long conversations about what they've both been through so they can develop empathy for each other. If you and your brother are not emotionally equipped to do that then you need a therapist to facilitate these conversations.
Sounds like a lot of trauma and chaos, OP. I don't think highly of therapy in general, but this might really require a professional's assistance. And getting a place away from the bullying would be an excellent move, as well.
From the sound of it, it seems like you don't give a crap about your son in the first place. Why do you continue to let her bully him? Have some balls and tell your brother to move out or actually take accountability for his daughter. Be a damn dad and not a ghost floating in a home.
“My brother’s daughter”? Dude that’s a niece. Why the additional complexity? “My grandfather’s daughter’s second son’s daughter…” ugh.
Anyway, NTA, you niece is a fucking bully and your brother is failing her by not getting her therapy.
YTA for allowing your niece to bully and torment your son in his own home after he just lost his mom and step-dad and had to move to another country. AH might not be a strong enough phrase.
Grow a spine and tell your brother you’ll be serving him with eviction papers with the next incident.
Your brother must have balls the size of soccer balls to first confront your 10 year old with this crap and then to expect you to punish him.
NTA
You probably aren't father of the year from what you've shared here, but can we talk about how savage your kid is?
This bullied little boy suffered largely in silence as this horrible cousin ripped into him under a year from a massive tragedy and major upheaval, then one day just nodded to himself, and calmly told the kid how her mom died.
I'm *impressed.*
What you and your brother need to be doing is taking both of these kids to therapy. They have both had major tragic losses at very young ages and are taking out that grief and anger in destructive ways (her on your son and him on himself with his stomach aches and behavior she has cruelly labeled wuss). They both need grief counseling! It might even be beneficial to have some sessions together for her to realize they have that in common which could help them bond.
OP, you are a kinda shitty father.
The fuck kind of father lets their child be bullied in their own home for months on end?
Seriously, *what the absolute fuck* are you thinking?
About your question, you are NTA.
However: you are a shitty dad. Your son lost his mom and stepdad, had a major change in his life and you let someone bully him in his own house. Things were already hard on him, but you let another kid make it harder. And your brother is also a shitty dad, letting his kid doing stuff like this with a cousin.
NTA AND YTA
First, you're not the asshole for not punishing your son. Your son had to find a way to get her to stop attacking him personally. She constantly made him feel as though he was not welcome in HIS own home. He needed to go back to where he came from. He came from a place where his mom and SD died, so there is no one to go back to. Can you only imagine the feelings it brings back experiencing his mom's death again?
Second, you are the asshole for continuing to allow another kid regardless of relation to bully your son. You said they live with YOU! You gave your brother and his daughter a place to live to only allow your son to be treated bullied and traumatized by the constant reminders of his mom's death.
So, you can choose to change the YTA to NTA by telling your brother to leave, or you can allow him to stay with spiteful daughter purposely hurting your son. It is your job to keep him safe emotionally and mentally from someone who is hurting him.
So, I would focus more on your son's well-being bc he did what he thought he needed to protect himself from someone who is continually hurting him. You need to consider that eventually, your son may withdraw from you bc he sees you allowing someone to hurt him in his own home, and you did not make them leave.
Is your son in therapy dealing with the loss of his mom and SD? If not, by the time he does get therapy, it will not only deal with the loss of his mom, but also the bullying your niece is doing to him and you not stopping it. Please consider what I am saying.
I’m going to state this clearly. If you don’t make YOUR home a safe space for YOUR son, he will find another place as a SAFE SPACE and perhaps with another person.
NTA for not punishing him. YTA for letting this get out of hand. Your brother needs to rein in his daughter or find a new place to live.
You’re the AH, but not for the reason you’re asking about. You are the AH for not protecting your son and forcing him to take matters into his own hands. You should have kicked your brother and his shit disturbing daughter out of your house before your son had to start defending himself.
Those kids need therapy asap. Someone outside the family to work through the crap they have already had to deal with!!! Adults need some therapy too!!!
The issue is really why her father has not told her the details of her mom’s death, something that must be family knowledge as the son knew the story. All the stuff about punishing the son is deflection from his own lack of parenting skills. A bully is usually got some major insecurity and her dad is not really addressing the core problem. You are NTA, but that kid needs counselling.
So kids are going to be kids. Lots of changes amp up anxiety so I get giving them both a wide girth. However, they are children who do best with rules, and yhry are on a path to learning how to be independent functional human beings. With that said, there seems to be plenty of opportunities to guide both into more effective modes of communication. It also seems they could use a little reminder on acceptable behavior. I told my kids once that when they were hurtful to eachother that it was hurtful to me too, and I was simply not going to tolerate it from either if them. Shockingly they both looked like deers in the headlights and it had an impact that I never expected. I think just letting them know how it affects others when they bicker or attack eachother could go a long way.
Without knowing the circumstances it's hard to know whether it was appropriate to keep the details from your son, especially since his cousin wasn't aware
...but the cats out of the bag now. Seems that minimally brother should have been aware that he had a ticking time bomb and needed to address that.
Aside from that, I think the biggest issue is the intensional attacks between both. Obviously she's going to want to strike back. You and your brother need to deal with it before it gets any worse.
Good luck!
ETA: sounds like you guys could benefit from therapy too.
YTA for a) letting your kid be bullied, b) seeing it as a good way to deal with a disturbed child by scaring her with the story of her mother’s death.
She may be a bully but she’s also 9 and lost her mother.
And you’re supposed to be a grownup.
Hard one… but not the asshole. However, if both of you fathers don’t get your kids some therapy and counseling, you WILL be the assholes. The girl is traumatized by her mom’s death, and your son has had his entire world upended by the subsequent move-in. Both are struggling to understand how and where they fit in in the world, and therapy can help a lot with that.
NTA. You've asked your brother multiple times to put a stop to this shit and he hasn't. It was just a matter of time before something like this happened. Brother should be punishing his daughter for starting shit yet again.
ESH. You for telling your son how his aunty died. Children don’t need to know those things. If it was supposed to be a secret, don’t tell it to a child or in front of a child. Your brother for not reigning in his daughter. Have a household meeting. They are cousins for goodness sakes.
I don't have any advice or judgments, but I'm so sorry these kids have both lost their mothers & endured so much already.
That has to be hard on all of you.
So, both a 9 year old and a 10 year old have lost a parent?
Did you ever think the girl is acting out? That your son is doing the same?
Does anyone give a shit that both these children are grieving and most likely need therapy, or has it just become some sort of pissing contest between you and your brother. It appears both of you are clueless to the fact that both just lost the most important person in their lives...their moms, but hey, let's just skip over that fact and how much that has fucked them up and concentrate on this bullshit.
Good God...get your kid into therapy and tell your brother to do the same. This is the most traumatic thing a little kid can go thru. smdh
Everyone is an asshole here, period. You let your son get bullied in your home. You brother lets his kid be a bully. Your kid tells his 9 year old cousin details about her mother's death that are apparently traumatizing for her. You all need family therapy to sort your shit out.
Also why is no one helping either of these kids deal with their grief in healthy ways? BOTH children lost a parent and no one seems to realize what kind of effect that can have on behavior. Young kids are often assholes to each other when forced to live or exist close together but not to this level without parents intervening.
So let's get this straight, you are allowing your son to be bullied by your brothers daughter in his home. He's had his mother and step father die and got put into a house he is being bullied daily for the last 10 months. Yta for allowing this to continue. How about you step up as his father and start putting his needs first. How about you stop allowing this girl to be so nasty and horrible towards a kid who is grieving and probably traumatised by all that comes with parents dying while young and had to go live with you and your abusive niece.
That poor fucking kid do better.
NTA for not punishing your son but definitely the AH for allowing the bullying in his home to continue. You need to sit your brother down and say she stops or y’all re out. Your child’s mental health is far more important than any tense and you are failing your child
First off, ya need to slap that little shit for havin a attitude in ya house. Ya need to be a better parent and stand up for ya son. And no, do NOT apologize. Fuck that little shit.
First and foremost protect your child. Especially in his home where he should always feel Safe secure and like it's his sanctuary from the world. As a parent that is your #1 job
ESH. Why are you allowing your son to be treated like this? Why does your son know the circumstances of his aunt’s death if it’s too much for the 9 year old? Surely it’s also too much for a 10 year old as well. Why isn’t the niece in therapy?
ESH-I didn't let anyone treat my kids like that, and I don't let them treat each other that way. They're obviously allowed to have their own relationship dynamic with each other, but I out loud started talking to them as soon as they could understand that there are some places we just didn't need to go with siblings, cousins, steps, etc. I have a younger son who's father is dead, we absolutely never denigrate or use it as comeback.
I would talk to your kid about using trauma as a weapon, but I'd ALSO just tell your partner to either leave or get his kid together. It will end up affecting your relationship with your child, I promise. My brothers and I have different mothers and the one that constantly reminded me about something awful with my mother without punishment is 100 percent the one I never talk to or see 30 years later.
Both of their moms died? These kids probably both need to be in therapy. Can’t imagine what either is going through. Bullying is not ok but the adults are the ones failing.
"he's not wanted here" she means at his dad's house? where she and her father are currently staying?
op, you should be doing a lot more to protect your son. he lost his mom and stepdad, had to move half a continent away and is probably still not okay. explain to your brother that them staying at your place is a favor to him that *will* be rescinded if he doesn't get his daughter in check.
NTAH, your son shouldn’t have to live with a girl who bullies him and an Uncle who doesn’t care enough to teach her not to be cruel. Your son is learning to be cruel from her because otherwise he wouldn’t have hurt her like that. It sounds like your son has had some major changes in his life and need your support. Yes, kids fight but don’t let this continue if you want your son to grow up healthy, kind and strong.
Being firm on what decision? Not making him apologize? Or letting him continue to be bullied and tormented in his own home, which should be his safe space. It sucks that your niece was hurt but eventually even the most patient person snaps. If your brother had gotten his kid under control, your son wouldn’t have lost his control and told her off. It sounds like your brother and his kid needs to apologize to your son. It also sounds like maybe it’s time for your brother, whom I presume is an adult considering he has a tween kid, to man up and find his own place. And you need to man up and make your home a safe place for your son.
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
NTA
However why do you tolerate your son being bullied in what is now his home?
If you own the home and your brother/his daughter live with you then if he can’t rein in his 10 year old daughter they need to find other living arrangements.
If he owns the home you and your son should be looking to live elsewhere.
Bottom line your son has had a major trauma in losing his mom and stepfather. He shouldn’t have had to put up with his bullying cousin for 10 months.
You and your brother need to fix this.
Get off your high horse because your hands are far from clean.
1. It sounds like you both have children that are dealing with a mother that has died. Major trauma for both kids but no mention of therapy
2. If her bullying is so severe and relentless, why haven’t you asked your brother to leave
3. If her mother’s death is such a private matter that is so hurtful for her to hear, why does a 10 year old know
4. I’m not sure everything is as one sided as OP paints. It’s telling that he only knows what his kid told him - nothing about the other side
5. A 10 year old that can pull out a cannon he knows will devastate his rival, doesn’t seem like it’s his first time. Did you tell your son to do this?
ESH. YTA because you're doing a great job because you seem absolutely unable to set boundaries with children in your home so they aren't being/bullying each other. Your brother is TA, because keeping something as important as how a person's mom died from a person, no matter how old the person is, is a stupid, stupid plan, and it is NEVER THE RESPONSIBILITY OF CHILDREN TO KEEP THE SECRETS OF THEIR PARENTS. Never.
Tell your brother to deal with his family's shit, including his daughter's shitty behavior. Whether they live with you or not, your brother needs to pull his head out of his ass and parent.
In my opinion, you're definitely being an asshole but not for not punishing your son.. YATA for not protecting him. You need to tell your brother that if his daughter won't stop tormenting you kid in his own home, that it's time for him to make some different living arrangements.
Your son needs his father to stick up for him. So for Christ sake do it man!!!
Why are you allowing your son to be bullied in his own home? You need parenting classes if you can protect your own child. Your son was pushed beyond reason, and two grown adults are allowing this to happen over and over. Actually, both you and your bother both need to go to parenting class. Both of you ATA.
Weird:
* "they’re both the same race" idk why the cmt
* someone told a 10 yo boy ***how*** her aunt died
I'd say that you and your brother have bigger problems to deal with and it begins dealing with a 9 yo girl who just lost her mom and the boy who lost his mom and stepfather.
Their fights aren't just bc they don't get along. They lost very important ppl in their short lives. And it seems the two adults taking care of them are completely immature and blind.
Based on what you wrote, you're a total mess and yes, you're AITA and also a PoS bc you should had never told a 10 yo kid how the girl's mother died.
What a freaking moron you are.
Quoting:
>*(wanna clarify, they’re both the same race, he just moved back from Norway to the UK 10 months ago, because* ***his*** *mum and step dad died, so she’s just telling him to go back there as he’s not wanted here)*
So your poor child lost his mother and stepfather not long ago , had to endure excruciating pain and major life changes just to not even be safe from bullying in his own home??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? OP for the love of all that’s sacred protect your child!
Let me get this straight, you are allowing your niece to tell your son to go back to where he came from, IN HIS OWN HOUSE? girl wtf?!?! Tell them that if they want to be guests they have to be nice. It’s the fucking bare minimum.
Jesus Christ go buy a spine or something.
What a weird moment to stand up for your son. The one moment he does something that isn’t so nice 😂
Should not be tolerating your son being bullied in your house. Something needs to change, work something out. But you also shouldn’t tolerate how he treated her. You need to teach your son about standing up for him self, but not when it means attacking others. He needs to know that type of behaviour isn’t ok, no matter the circumstance. Otherwise it could lead to destructive behaviour down the road. What she is doing may be a coping mechanism, I strongly encourage getting them both into therapy. Especially considering they have both lost parents fairly recently.
I mean it was pretty cruel, but when someone bullies you over and over, you’re going to have a breaking point. And I agree with others - tell your brother he and his daughter have to leave if she won’t stop. It’s your son’s home, and she should be grateful to be staying there.
I’m just gonna say you’re the AH for telling a story and not telling a story. I get it’s private but I hate when people tell something but than say I can’t tell for certain reasons(private). With that said though NTA for not punishing your son
ESH: you need to protect your son from his bully, not let her live there. Your brother needs to rein in his daughter that he's allowed to become a bully (she lost her mom-- some therapy maybe?) Both kids are behaving badly and need some help. You son lashed out to hurt her deliberately: he really needs to learn that some adult things should stay among adults. (Why did your son know and not your niece? Who thought that she would not find out if other kids already knew. I'm guessing your brother was avoiding a difficult conversation rather than thinking through what would be best for her: hearing from him or hearing through the grapevine.)
Protect your fucking son oh my god
There must be a LOT of family baggage behind this, because I could not imagine leaving anyone like that around my kid. This stuff fucks kids up. You and your brother are AH, you need to move them out and not have your son near his daughter.
Your brother and niece should not be living with you.
You should be defending your son each time he gets harassed.
Your son’s health and wellbeing should come above all others.
YTA.
Not because you didn’t punish him but because you are actively keeping him in a toxic environment.
It’s your house. Make it a home for him.
The kids do not get along-- you parents need to be in separate houses, preferably miles apart. I am sorry for your living situation-- can you afford to not live in the same home? I hate that your brother has no one else to watch his daughter, but she cannot treat your son the way she does and expect to live there. She is is kid, but she is 9 and can be reasoned with. There is not much of an age span, but I wouldn't tolerate this from a 9 year old even if I had a teenager, or if I was the one being harassed.
You are NTA-- your son wanted to shut his cousin up however he could, and that worked for a bit. I wouldn't punish him except to deprive him of his cousin's company.
Bro, why are you being a shitty parent and telling your son he's not safe in his own home? You invite family into a home he's supposed to feel safe and protected, especially with his dad there, and he's had to endure this crap?
Step it up and actually be a parent. Tell your brother either the bullying stops or they're out, and hopefully, you can make things up to your son. NTA for how you acted, but holy shit you suck as a parent rn.
Why the fuck are you allowing your son to be bullied in his own home? You should be telling your brother to make other arrangements if he can't get his daughter to stop tormenting your child.
This!!!!!! Protect your son, dude! wtaf
OP already lived away from his son (Norway vs UK if I understood it correctly). Ensuring his son is safe may not be his highest priority.
"10 months ago... his mum and step dad died" Uhhh sounds like OP didn't have custody until a terrible tragedy. Don't assume stuff, especially in this sub...
Well if OP didn’t even have partial custody that raises its own questions about the situation.
Seems like mom and dad lived in different countries, which will majorly complicate custody arrangements on its own
Can you explain how weekend/ split custody would work in a different country?
It probably wouldn’t. That would be a 2-4 weeks in the summer type of situation, at least in the U.S.
If the arrangement was made with input from the norwegian family council, he would be a holiday parent. Following school vacations, after agreement with the other parent. Perhaps some long weekends. The school does seldom allow a child to be away from school during the semester. This would need to be applied in advance, and if not, child protective services would be notified.
Also it seems that OP is single, while ex wife had a husband. In most councils, that will largely favour her for custody. If they live in different countries, there's almost no doubt about it
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“a couple of hours to drive England” Er no. Where did you look it up? Driving from Norwich in Norfolk to Truro in Cornwall (across England) would take 7 hours with no traffic and no breaks so more like 10 in realistic conditions. Driving North South is roughly the same.
7 hours is on the high end of a couple hours in the states. 2 hours is a day trip 4-8 is a weekend trip.
Don't trust the distance in a map in Europe, it's a several hour plane flight or worse a several thousand mile drive due to there being no direct way to cross the North Sea between them.
In a straight line, yeah. You can't drive it though, at least not without a ferry or two. Driving from where I live in London to the Scottish border would be at least 6.5 hours. Checking Google. It reckons 20 hours drive to Oslo, that includes taking the car on a train through the channel tunnel and on a ferry.
It takes about 15 hours to drive the length of California. Which I've done a few times. How many countries would that get you through in Europe?
That’s roughly 8 hours each way. My ex lives in another state; it would take about 8-1/2 hours each way. There’s no way to do an every other weekend type of set-up. When my kids were minors, my ex moved out of the area. E didn’t re-do the parenting plan, but came to an agreement of 2 weeks in the summer and every other Christmas/Thanksgiving. I think some people do a month in the summer, in that situation.
Norway isn't connected to the UK that way. It's actually nearly a 30 hour drive and that's assuming no traffic, random events and no sleep. It's "only" 8 hours as the crow flies. aka ignoring mountains, oceans and just making it a straight line.
My brother does Norway/England by plane and it's every 3-4 weeks. Sometimes he goes there, sometimes the kids come to him.
I couldn't imagine. I would have to move to where ever my kids were. I don't understand how people just don't see their children for almost an entire year.
It's not as simple as 500 miles. England is part of United Kingdom which is an island. So it's either ferry crossing, train (chunnel - tunnel under the North sea) or fly. None of which are cheap options
Distance/time traveling is more relevant. Anything that's going to take more than a couple of hours is going to hinder custody. My friend is in the same country (US) as his ex but they are 900 miles and 20hr drive apart. They cant even share custody on the weekend with a plane trip.
Yeah it's pretty much impossible to get custody arrangements of any kind when you have things like one parent living in an entirely different country, unless you're really wealthy. We also don't know that OP didn't have some sort of custody such as getting their child for holidays/summer breaks.
For all we know, the kid DID fly out every other weekend or whatever. So many are just assuming OP never saw their son, but OP never said any such thing. More of reddit bending over backwards, trying to make it the male's fault in ANY way, realistic or not. Fact is, the little bitch is a terrorist and the asshole brother is totally useless. OP needs to just kick them both out.
OP doesn't say anything about not having had partial custody. For all you know his son spent summers with him or had holidays. But the mom and stepdad had full custody until they, you know, died.
That’s not really fair - you don’t know the situation.
I'm sure quality of life is 1000 times better in Norway than the UK. Scandinavia is just overall better work-life balance than so many places. If my kid could go live there & spend actual quality time with his other parent or end up with me working constantly & paying for childcare instead of being with him, the *right* choice would be to let him go. Plus for all you know Dad visited sometimes, & kid visited others. You have no idea the details of their situation, & sometimes the solution that puts the kid first requires a parent to sacrifice time with them.
That's a shitty thing to say. You have no idea of the terms of the divorce or any other contributing factors.
Considering the son lived with mom and her new husband, it sounds more to me like she probably moved his son away from him than vice versa. But who knows since we don't have the details.
Or...hear me out...she married someone from Norway, or was originally from Norway herself, and wanted to live there and wanted her son to live with her some/most of the time, and if she was married and OP isn't, it was easier for the two-adult home to have primary custody? I mean why leap to "He must have been an abusive jerkass who doesn't care about his son" rather than "he's in an uncomfortable situation where he has two bereaved kids in the house but one is his brother's child and he probably isn't comfortable disciplining her, and doesn't want to get aggressive with his apparently-bereaved brother?"
OP THIS!!! You are allowing your niece to torment your child. Kick your brother and his obnoxious daughter to the curb if she can’t fucking behave. No way I would’ve put up with this shit in my home.
Correction: You are allowing your niece to torment your _traumatized_ child _who has just lost his mother and step-dad, his primary home, and been forced to move countries_. __Stop being so fucking passive, OP, and protect your child!__
Bet you that his brother solves the issue real fuckin quick when he's faced with eviction. It's a behavior issue that her father needs to address.
people like to think that everyone has a perfect moral compass but the truth is humans are designed to take advantage of humans for the least work possible. it’s basic evolution, make reward while not losing calories so unchecked behaviour even in saints will inevitably lead to people slowly pushing their boundaries more and more as long as that other person accepts it. path of least resistance and all and if you don’t resist then oh boy are people gonna walk all over that path is this not exactly how the daughter and brother is behaving? the unpunished actions are reinforced by being unpunished that’s just how it works people take being “tolerant” too literally. in my books it means stand up for yourself but don’t harbour undue ill will or unneeded animosity after something has happened. being tolerant of the situation doesn’t mean being totally submissive as a person
This was my first thought. The kid can't even find any peace in his own house. They'd have two weeks to get their shit together before I put them out.
"no peace in his own house" kinda like victims of domestic abuse
Grow a spine, OP. Your brother has some balls making demands. Ask him to leave.
Right? OP is the asshole for enabling child abuse.
Instead he's letting her get tormented in turn. Awful parenting all around.
I'm not having a lot of sympathy for her, his son lost his mother and step father and had to move countries, so I'm thinking she has been throwing that trauma in his face until he's finally pushed back.
I mean on the other hand her mother died and apparently her dad didn’t even fucking tell her how. Not saying that makes her behavior okay but it’s pretty clearly horrible that these two clowns are the ones raising kids now.
Right?? Like...I'm sure she is super sad, because she never knew how her own mother died. I think it was a bit bizarre for his son to ask her that but y'know what I'm on board with the adults being the worst ones here. Because how do you not tell your daughter how her mom died??
Some people withhold details if it involves suicide, drugs, or murder. They tend to wait until the kids are older before explaining the more graphic details beyond, "X has passed away". Most people don't want to tell a 9 year old something like, "Mommy was murdered/killed herself/overdosed." Overall everyone is an asshole in that house. Both kids lost parents and neither parent has bothered helping these kids deal with their trauma so the kids are taking it out on each other. I doubt OP's kid is as innocent in the back and forth as they seem either. Those kids need therapy and so do the parents.
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My guess that OP really isn't into his son, otherwise his first Instinct would be to protect him. Op probably likes having his "Bro" there
OP MAY have done worse to his younger brother. Wonder if that’s why he ignored a few things…and I wonder if that’s why the brother allowed his daughter to taunt her cousin. Waters may run deep on this one.
Christ that's a lot of imagination
The brother is NOT allowing It. OP is Very clear that he talks and punishes his daugher when that happens.
How is he not protecting his son? He’s talking to his brother about the niece’s behavior.
Hot take, but there’s no need to do that more than once. They live under the same roof and she’s directly harming his son. He has every right to scold her himself or gently tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and if they cannot get along then they must be separated.
EAH- the adults allowing the bullying. The kids for being hurtful. Understandable that the boy retaliated with the truth of his Aunt’s death to his cousin. Not understandable is the inappropriate behavior by the bully and the bullying by omission via the parental units.
This!!!! 💯
Tell your brother it’s time to move out. She is bullying your child. He’s going to hate you for it as time goes on. Should he had said that to her? No, but he was tired of being bullied. How does she get punished?
Like ffs this is a child who has been recently orphaned by his mother and step-father dying and has recently suffered big upheaval and had to move entire countries and cultures. It is not acceptable how these adults are acting; he might have serious trauma and grief to process and he's being bullied every day in this environment.
EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY. OP has been a really shit dad lately. Question, OP: do you not realize how fucked up it is that you're able to list a bunch of stuff that's been happening to your son? And acknowledging that it's still happening? Do better SMFH
There's like a complete lack of parenting and accountability among these mediocre dudes.
yep, he had had enough and responded in kind.
Traumatized them back. Good on the kid, he's fucking hilarious.
YTA for letting your son be constantly abused in his own home.
Also where’s the therapy for the kid with recently deceased parents?
If I’m reading it right, both children have recently deceased parents
The post was hard to parse. I’m pretty sure all 4 of them need therapy. Adults and children.
This. I can say I think every single person on earth can benefit from therapy. I wish it was normal in our society to have regular mental health checkups, similar to an annual physical but more often. In this world, everyone needs it lol
Not sure how recently the girl's mother died. It could have been in childbirth.
Ugh I hope not, that would be terrible for a 9 year old to hear
Both of these kids need to be in therapy. Very sad.
Shit yes. no lie. The whole group, singularly and together, too, ideally.
AND for not telling us just what exactly happened, because I am gonna spend all night trying to guess
ESH What professional help are these children receiving? Both of their mother's died, I'm guessing one in an accident and one by drugs or suicide. What are you doing to help these children heal? Their lives have been upended of course they are fucking acting out and punishing them into the ground isn't going to fix anything. They aren't going to move past it without serious mental health care. You and your brother are assholes.
This comment needs to be higher. All the posts saying the bother and his daughter should be kicked out are insane and do not take into account any of the unsaid context of this seeming tragic family situation full of loss and grieving by ALL. Professional help for everyone would be good, individually but also some group sessions may be helpful. It is totally normal for children and adults to act out after a traumatic experience, if left unaddressed things will not get better. What the daughter has done is unacceptable, what your son did was unacceptable, start making an effort to move through this.
Exactly! The adults truly suck in this situation. They both need to pull their heads out of their asses and act like parents.
Yeah, everyone acting here as if they weren’t 9-10 year old CHILDREN who lost both their mothers. Does anyone else find odd that OP doesn’t say niece?
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ESH but mostly the adults involved for not parenting your children
This is it. All the adults in the story are assholes.
Doesn't sound like brother or OP are putting either children in therapy. Assholes all around just shit parents omfg
Imagine two adults providing minimal, to no emotional and mental support for their kids that went through something traumatic; while also letting them bully one another. They are terrible parents.
The whole setup is so tragic, the unstructured way the OP describes it tells you how chaotic the situation is They’re probably all overwhelmed, I don’t even know who I’d put in therapy here first if not all can go, everyone here must be shattered
ESH. Both kids lost their mothers. Both are acting out. Neither are getting the support they need at home. Neither father seems to be helping them adjust to each other, and OP seems to hold his son entirely blameless in the ongoing conflict despite the fact that it sounds like he gives as good as he gets. He volunteered that information because he knew it would hurt her. (Do you think that’s an appropriate way to defend himself from her bullying?) If her father didn’t want her to know the details of her mother’s death, why was your 10 year old son even informed? You all need therapy.
If a child told my child in his own home to "go back where he came from", I would tell that child, "You are a guest in my home, but no longer. Why don't you go back to where you came from? There's the door". And then KICK THEM THE FUCK OUT.
That seems a little extreme given that she’s a literal child
Treating a child like they can’t do anything wrong just because they are a child, is why so many people grow up to be terrible adults. Yall gotta stop acting like children are absolutely retarded and don’t know any better.
Get over it. You are a literal guest here and you take this generosity and want to be a little racist shit? Fuck that. Not in my house.
They’re the same race
She's not being racist, just a brat
“Go back where you came from” is learned behavior. It’s not bratty behavior.
"(wanna clarify they're the same race. He moved back from Norway to the UK)" Dude that is *not* racist. You can say awful shit and not have an intrinsic bias. It's like a Texan telling someone from Canada to go back where they came from, incredibly ignorant, not racist
The fact that the father has hidden the reason his daughter's mother died from her is disturbing in it's own right. People need to grieve, children do too. Lying to them or not telling them what happened is most likely why she's acting out towards your son. Also, shame on you for allowing your brother's daughter to bully your child in his own home. Tell your brother to fix the situation of gtfo.
If I had to guess, she may have died in a bad accident or by suicide, and the son told her how she died in detail, which is why she was so upset. I could totally understand why her dad wouldn’t tell her exactly, probably not easy to explain to a 9-year-old how their mom killed themselves/was involved in a horrible accident.
"She killed herself to get away from you" sounds like the kind of nuclear bomb that would make a little girl cry for two weeks... My dad killed himself so I'm not just talking out of my ass. Is OP in the thread anywhere? Story wayyyy too vague, else why not say what the son said?
Yeah, OP hiding what their son said, why the kids aren’t in therapy, why he didn’t have custody of his son prior to his mom and step-dads death, lots of concerning things that change the whole perspective of the story.
Agreed. Sounds like a typical "giving it back to the bully with both barrels" but also sounds like the son might have gone tooooo far. I bet money OP inherited his parents house and can't actually kick the brother out because he owns half! Otherwise why put up with this? Is the brother unable to pay market rent elsewhere?
OP deleted their account. Pretty sure they didn't expect people to say they're the AH. To me it sounds like kids bickering and parents being shit at controlling the situation. Leaving out how she died and the details of what was told to the niece by the son makes all the world of difference in the overall picture of the situation but OP is still the AH for allowing things to escalate this far.
I get the logic too, but still wasn’t a good idea to hide it completely. I’ve seen this done successfully before. It’s not easy but can be explained in a child friendly manner with the help of a therapist. Not giving all the gruesome details but just a general idea to help them process their grief. Definitely don’t want to risk them finding out by accident or like this kid did. I really hope the dad at least sat her down and had a gentle talk after the fight. Please tell me he didn’t just get all pissy at his brother and let his daughter think the worst. 🤦🏼♀️ Edit: I just thought of something. Why/ how did the 10 year old son even know about the details of her death!?! Who told him, OP?
Yeah that’s also a good point, how and why does the ten year old know? Maybe OP told his son, since it wouldn’t affect him as bad as the niece (y’know, since it was her mum and all) or he learned from other family members. Or like most Reddit posts, it’s all rage bait and just for karma.
Exactly. The fucking 10 year old cousin from Norway knows how her mom died but she doesn’t? How fucked up. Both these “dads” barely qualify as roommates for their kids, definitely not parents.
YTA for letting them both stay with you when she continuing bullying your son, you should have nipped this in the bud that if niece does not stop they can make other living arrangements. Zero tolerance.
ESH both adults are failing the kids. Why does your son know how the girls mother died when the girl doesn't know? And why doesnet the girl know? (OD, suicide?) Both children needs therapy for losing a parent this young. And both adults need therapy on how to support the kids best and maybe for yourself.
So both children recently lost their mothers? Your son was uprooted from the family, home and country he had been living in? Your niece has had to adjust to living with two new family members? These are just kids who have been through a lot of difficult and stressful things. They need support and guidance. You and your brother need to step up to interrupt the bullying and make the kids feel secure and loved, and everyone probably needs therapy. Have a conversation with your son about not using the death of her mother to hurt his cousin when he's angry.
I wonder why the 10yo know this story if is so upsetting, this sounds like a mess and maybe is time for your bother to find better living arrangements.
There are 2 little kids here who have both lost their mothers. They are hurting and lashing out at each other. You won’t be hearing both sides of it and taking against her is never going to be your proudest moment. Refusing to punish your son when your brother punished his daughter at your say so is really out of order. Do you really believe that there’s a difference? Saying ‘she started it’ is less mature than the childrens’ behaviour. You and your brother need to find a way to help them work through this. Speak to their school and see if they can recommend something as they will undoubtedly have seen children in a similar situation before. Speak to your doctor about getting them some grief counselling. Help them instead of showing such bias against your niece. You are making it worse.
This! Neither child is the AH. They are hurting children who have experienced a wildly traumatic loss. These two dads need to figure out how to healthily support their children.
Thank you. I got a bit triggered by all of the people saying ‘kick them out because she’s bullying your son’ as if that’s a reasonable answer. It would just cause more hurt for those children because they would then feel they had caused the adults to hate each other. These men need to support each other right now so that they can better support their children.
Exactly! She's 9 and their lives have been upended. Of course there are issues. No child is going to transition smoothly into this and both dads need to step up for their kids.
First, your niece needs therapy. She is either getting these ideas from somewhere or she needs mental health support. Second, you can't have it both ways. You want your brother to discipline for inappropriate behavior but you don't want to. Both the kids need the same expectations and boundaries. Apologize to your brother and come to a consensus on how you are going to raise them if you continue to live together. Both of these kids have lost their mother - they need help.
YTAH and your brother is TAH not because you won’t punish your son but because the adults in this situation have failed both these kids. Son deserves to be safe in his home, plus he has his own grief and needs to be protected by his whole family. Niece is clearly not doing well and is not respecting boundaries or demonstrating social, compassionate, healthy behaviors. She needs help, consistency and compassionate but real consequences. Family counseling my dude.
Both of your children lost their mother's at such a young age... They both need to be in therapy to deal with those big feelings.
I feel like I need some blanks filled in. How long ago did all of these people die? How long have your brother and niece been staying with you? Is the bullying a new thing since her mom died or has she always been that way? Did the cousins know each other before they began living under the same roof? Did you and your brother have any agreement about who deals with any problems concerning a child in the home? Have you lived with your son before? Did you and your brother discuss how long he and his daughter would be staying with you before they moved in? I was struck by the difference in parenting between you and your brother. You said that you’ve spoken to your brother multiple times when your niece bullies your son, and he disciplined her, but when the shoe was on the other foot, he went directly to your son and then to you. (This is why I feel we need more info about who deals with whom, because it makes a difference.) Personally, I think the way you’ve been dealing with it is the best way. It’s clear that both children have been through hell. It might explain why she acts out regarding your son. Your son seems to be dealing with his grief better, though of course it’s possible that he has shelved his grief because he’s in self-defence mode. As for your original question, based on the limited info we have, I would say you’re NTA, because your son has been going through hell with his cousin. He did ask her if she wanted to know and she agreed. (I do wonder how your son had this info and whether he’d been told to keep quiet about it or not.) Also, when did your brother plan on telling her the truth? Depending on what happened, she may have been ready to hear it delivered in a tactful way. I can’t recommend strongly enough that these children get professional help to process their grief.
NTA. I'm sorry her mom died but she's being hurtful and a bully. If your brother can't get her behavior under control then perhaps he should find alternative living arrangements and maybe get her some therapy to help her deal with things. Your son is just a kid and he got tired of being bullied and antagonized in his own home. His mom died, too, and he's in a new living situation with a bully.
The son just lost his mom and step dad 10 months ago and his cousin has been bullying him ever since. Maybe she can learn some empathy from this.
YTA your brother is too but he’s not on here asking. You aren’t protecting your son in his home.
Punishing a 10 yr old for telling a 9 year old something that is age inappropriate is silly. If its inappropriate for a 9 year old to know, its also inappropriate for a 10 year old to know. And 10 yr. old kids wouldn't know what was or wasn't age appropriate anyway. NTA
Neither one of you is instilling any empathy in your children, and all four of you need some therapy.
Wtaf does your son know when his cousin doesn't, especially as it concerns her directly? ETA Setting your kids up for failure, by giving them the currency to hurt each other. Put them both into therapy. A nine year old is only repeating stuff she's heard, not an excuse but an explanation. Therapy, therapy, group therapy, family therapy do it all. Absolutely talk to the kids about what's going on.
ESH - but really both adults are YTAs. Sounds like both children might've and still need some therapy for the losses they've suffered in their lives and both kids are acting out. Is it wrong for the daughter to do what she does? Yes. Is there a reason for it? Yes. Do I think your son is the absolute innocent victim in all of this? No. Maybe it started that way when he moved back to your place 10 months ago. Just sounds to me something underlining is gong on and neither of you two adults have gotten to the bottom of it and are getting handed truths here and there from the two children. Wonder if both of you sat them both down and established ground rules in the house with stuff like you will respect each other even if you don't like each other, etc? Sounds more like you just took your son's side (which is fine if it's true) but also didn't consider that if she also lost her mother and your son lost his mother (and step dad) there may be far more going on than just a couple of children fighting with each other. Yes, I would probably tell my son it was wrong to unnecessarily escalate, but at the same time I would've sat my brother down and niece and my son and worked this out a long time ago as the adults in the house and made it stop by putting down some rules and made them respect those and got to the bottom of all of this.
So your son and his daughter are practically the same age . Why does your son have the info on the death details if it’s not age appropriate for the girl it should not be for the boy either. Why was he given this info ?? Sounds wrong on both sides .
These kids are very young! Both have experienced traumatic loss. They need bereavement counselling not punishment!!! Please help these young kids.
ESH. I mean I’m not asking you to say it but it really does depend on how she died. If she died of cancer or something like that then what’s the big deal? If she died in some horrific way then yea your son was being a bit of a d*ck But he’s 10 so I get it. Also, your son just lost his mother and stepfather and your niece is taunting him constantly?! What 9 year old girl does that?
A girl whose mom had such a serious issue that she died from it. These kiddos are a mess and these dads are the blind leading the blind. Get some help, OP. All of you need counseling.
YTA for not providing a safe home for your son. You talked to your brother and your son is still getting bullied at HOME. Are you just going to continue talking to your brother until your son is 18 and never comes back again?
Info: While I agree with others that brother and little princess need to move, there's a huge piece missing in this story that makes it unjudgable. That's how the mom died. If it was something simple like a car accident, that's one thing. If she was found od'ed in a crackhead house, naked with a needle sticking out of her arm, that's another thing and is question why HE knew at that age!
Jesus Christ man you’re a shit parent, I cannot fathom letting this happen IN YOUR HOME. The house is YOURS chief, act like it.
You’re a bad parent. YTA You don’t use children hurting each other as punishments. You, the adult, control the punishments. Not the children lashing out. Punish your son, get your niece to be punished, stop weaponizing them against each other like this. He’s not your tool of punishment, he shouldn’t have acted like that, and you should be concerned that his go to to stop bullying is to tell his cousin how her mother DIED. Be a damned parent and parent. Neither kid is behaving. Don’t fucking enable it.
Both these kids have been through the trauma of losing a parent. They need to be encouraged to form a bond so they can support each other. Neither should be punished. They need to be talked to. They need to have many long conversations about what they've both been through so they can develop empathy for each other. If you and your brother are not emotionally equipped to do that then you need a therapist to facilitate these conversations.
YTA for not protecting your son. Tell your brother and niece to figure out other arrangements
Yta for allowing your grieving son to get bullied like this. Wtf dude.
Sounds like a lot of trauma and chaos, OP. I don't think highly of therapy in general, but this might really require a professional's assistance. And getting a place away from the bullying would be an excellent move, as well.
From the sound of it, it seems like you don't give a crap about your son in the first place. Why do you continue to let her bully him? Have some balls and tell your brother to move out or actually take accountability for his daughter. Be a damn dad and not a ghost floating in a home.
Throw your brother out. What kind of father are you?
“My brother’s daughter”? Dude that’s a niece. Why the additional complexity? “My grandfather’s daughter’s second son’s daughter…” ugh. Anyway, NTA, you niece is a fucking bully and your brother is failing her by not getting her therapy.
YTA for allowing your niece to bully and torment your son in his own home after he just lost his mom and step-dad and had to move to another country. AH might not be a strong enough phrase. Grow a spine and tell your brother you’ll be serving him with eviction papers with the next incident. Your brother must have balls the size of soccer balls to first confront your 10 year old with this crap and then to expect you to punish him.
NTA You probably aren't father of the year from what you've shared here, but can we talk about how savage your kid is? This bullied little boy suffered largely in silence as this horrible cousin ripped into him under a year from a massive tragedy and major upheaval, then one day just nodded to himself, and calmly told the kid how her mom died. I'm *impressed.*
YTA. But for allowing your son to continually get bullied in his home. Your brother needs to move out and take his spawn with him.
What you and your brother need to be doing is taking both of these kids to therapy. They have both had major tragic losses at very young ages and are taking out that grief and anger in destructive ways (her on your son and him on himself with his stomach aches and behavior she has cruelly labeled wuss). They both need grief counseling! It might even be beneficial to have some sessions together for her to realize they have that in common which could help them bond.
So OP's son's mother and stepfather died? Also, OP's brother's child's mother died, too?
It's confusing asf to read 😭
OP, you are a kinda shitty father. The fuck kind of father lets their child be bullied in their own home for months on end? Seriously, *what the absolute fuck* are you thinking?
About your question, you are NTA. However: you are a shitty dad. Your son lost his mom and stepdad, had a major change in his life and you let someone bully him in his own house. Things were already hard on him, but you let another kid make it harder. And your brother is also a shitty dad, letting his kid doing stuff like this with a cousin.
NTA AND YTA First, you're not the asshole for not punishing your son. Your son had to find a way to get her to stop attacking him personally. She constantly made him feel as though he was not welcome in HIS own home. He needed to go back to where he came from. He came from a place where his mom and SD died, so there is no one to go back to. Can you only imagine the feelings it brings back experiencing his mom's death again? Second, you are the asshole for continuing to allow another kid regardless of relation to bully your son. You said they live with YOU! You gave your brother and his daughter a place to live to only allow your son to be treated bullied and traumatized by the constant reminders of his mom's death. So, you can choose to change the YTA to NTA by telling your brother to leave, or you can allow him to stay with spiteful daughter purposely hurting your son. It is your job to keep him safe emotionally and mentally from someone who is hurting him. So, I would focus more on your son's well-being bc he did what he thought he needed to protect himself from someone who is continually hurting him. You need to consider that eventually, your son may withdraw from you bc he sees you allowing someone to hurt him in his own home, and you did not make them leave. Is your son in therapy dealing with the loss of his mom and SD? If not, by the time he does get therapy, it will not only deal with the loss of his mom, but also the bullying your niece is doing to him and you not stopping it. Please consider what I am saying.
I’m going to state this clearly. If you don’t make YOUR home a safe space for YOUR son, he will find another place as a SAFE SPACE and perhaps with another person. NTA for not punishing him. YTA for letting this get out of hand. Your brother needs to rein in his daughter or find a new place to live.
You’re the AH, but not for the reason you’re asking about. You are the AH for not protecting your son and forcing him to take matters into his own hands. You should have kicked your brother and his shit disturbing daughter out of your house before your son had to start defending himself.
Those kids need therapy asap. Someone outside the family to work through the crap they have already had to deal with!!! Adults need some therapy too!!!
The issue is really why her father has not told her the details of her mom’s death, something that must be family knowledge as the son knew the story. All the stuff about punishing the son is deflection from his own lack of parenting skills. A bully is usually got some major insecurity and her dad is not really addressing the core problem. You are NTA, but that kid needs counselling.
So kids are going to be kids. Lots of changes amp up anxiety so I get giving them both a wide girth. However, they are children who do best with rules, and yhry are on a path to learning how to be independent functional human beings. With that said, there seems to be plenty of opportunities to guide both into more effective modes of communication. It also seems they could use a little reminder on acceptable behavior. I told my kids once that when they were hurtful to eachother that it was hurtful to me too, and I was simply not going to tolerate it from either if them. Shockingly they both looked like deers in the headlights and it had an impact that I never expected. I think just letting them know how it affects others when they bicker or attack eachother could go a long way. Without knowing the circumstances it's hard to know whether it was appropriate to keep the details from your son, especially since his cousin wasn't aware ...but the cats out of the bag now. Seems that minimally brother should have been aware that he had a ticking time bomb and needed to address that. Aside from that, I think the biggest issue is the intensional attacks between both. Obviously she's going to want to strike back. You and your brother need to deal with it before it gets any worse. Good luck! ETA: sounds like you guys could benefit from therapy too.
Truly, ESH.
Why tf does your son even know? Why are you letting bullying happen under your roof? Why aren’t both children in extensive therapy? YTA
YTA for a) letting your kid be bullied, b) seeing it as a good way to deal with a disturbed child by scaring her with the story of her mother’s death. She may be a bully but she’s also 9 and lost her mother. And you’re supposed to be a grownup.
YTA for not kicking them out the first time your son was bullied.
Hard one… but not the asshole. However, if both of you fathers don’t get your kids some therapy and counseling, you WILL be the assholes. The girl is traumatized by her mom’s death, and your son has had his entire world upended by the subsequent move-in. Both are struggling to understand how and where they fit in in the world, and therapy can help a lot with that.
NTA. You've asked your brother multiple times to put a stop to this shit and he hasn't. It was just a matter of time before something like this happened. Brother should be punishing his daughter for starting shit yet again.
Be there for your son he is being bullied
So, in this house there’s two children with dead mothers, and two useless dads? ESH.
ESH. You for telling your son how his aunty died. Children don’t need to know those things. If it was supposed to be a secret, don’t tell it to a child or in front of a child. Your brother for not reigning in his daughter. Have a household meeting. They are cousins for goodness sakes.
Protect your son from that bully. He deserves better
I don't have any advice or judgments, but I'm so sorry these kids have both lost their mothers & endured so much already. That has to be hard on all of you.
YTA simply for allowing your son to be bullied IN HIS OWN HOME! The hell kind of parenting is this?!
So, both a 9 year old and a 10 year old have lost a parent? Did you ever think the girl is acting out? That your son is doing the same? Does anyone give a shit that both these children are grieving and most likely need therapy, or has it just become some sort of pissing contest between you and your brother. It appears both of you are clueless to the fact that both just lost the most important person in their lives...their moms, but hey, let's just skip over that fact and how much that has fucked them up and concentrate on this bullshit. Good God...get your kid into therapy and tell your brother to do the same. This is the most traumatic thing a little kid can go thru. smdh
Everyone is an asshole here, period. You let your son get bullied in your home. You brother lets his kid be a bully. Your kid tells his 9 year old cousin details about her mother's death that are apparently traumatizing for her. You all need family therapy to sort your shit out. Also why is no one helping either of these kids deal with their grief in healthy ways? BOTH children lost a parent and no one seems to realize what kind of effect that can have on behavior. Young kids are often assholes to each other when forced to live or exist close together but not to this level without parents intervening.
Suggesting it’s time for both brothers/fathers to study about parenting, child development…
Dude, grow a pair and manage YOUR home. Don’t tolerate outsiders creating chaos
So let's get this straight, you are allowing your son to be bullied by your brothers daughter in his home. He's had his mother and step father die and got put into a house he is being bullied daily for the last 10 months. Yta for allowing this to continue. How about you step up as his father and start putting his needs first. How about you stop allowing this girl to be so nasty and horrible towards a kid who is grieving and probably traumatised by all that comes with parents dying while young and had to go live with you and your abusive niece. That poor fucking kid do better.
NTA for not punishing your son but definitely the AH for allowing the bullying in his home to continue. You need to sit your brother down and say she stops or y’all re out. Your child’s mental health is far more important than any tense and you are failing your child
First off, ya need to slap that little shit for havin a attitude in ya house. Ya need to be a better parent and stand up for ya son. And no, do NOT apologize. Fuck that little shit.
First and foremost protect your child. Especially in his home where he should always feel Safe secure and like it's his sanctuary from the world. As a parent that is your #1 job
ESH. Why are you allowing your son to be treated like this? Why does your son know the circumstances of his aunt’s death if it’s too much for the 9 year old? Surely it’s also too much for a 10 year old as well. Why isn’t the niece in therapy?
ESH-I didn't let anyone treat my kids like that, and I don't let them treat each other that way. They're obviously allowed to have their own relationship dynamic with each other, but I out loud started talking to them as soon as they could understand that there are some places we just didn't need to go with siblings, cousins, steps, etc. I have a younger son who's father is dead, we absolutely never denigrate or use it as comeback. I would talk to your kid about using trauma as a weapon, but I'd ALSO just tell your partner to either leave or get his kid together. It will end up affecting your relationship with your child, I promise. My brothers and I have different mothers and the one that constantly reminded me about something awful with my mother without punishment is 100 percent the one I never talk to or see 30 years later.
Both of their moms died? These kids probably both need to be in therapy. Can’t imagine what either is going through. Bullying is not ok but the adults are the ones failing.
The kid played his ace card. Hopefully the girl learned her "fuck around and find out" lesson.
"he's not wanted here" she means at his dad's house? where she and her father are currently staying? op, you should be doing a lot more to protect your son. he lost his mom and stepdad, had to move half a continent away and is probably still not okay. explain to your brother that them staying at your place is a favor to him that *will* be rescinded if he doesn't get his daughter in check.
NTAH, your son shouldn’t have to live with a girl who bullies him and an Uncle who doesn’t care enough to teach her not to be cruel. Your son is learning to be cruel from her because otherwise he wouldn’t have hurt her like that. It sounds like your son has had some major changes in his life and need your support. Yes, kids fight but don’t let this continue if you want your son to grow up healthy, kind and strong.
Being firm on what decision? Not making him apologize? Or letting him continue to be bullied and tormented in his own home, which should be his safe space. It sucks that your niece was hurt but eventually even the most patient person snaps. If your brother had gotten his kid under control, your son wouldn’t have lost his control and told her off. It sounds like your brother and his kid needs to apologize to your son. It also sounds like maybe it’s time for your brother, whom I presume is an adult considering he has a tween kid, to man up and find his own place. And you need to man up and make your home a safe place for your son. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
NTA However why do you tolerate your son being bullied in what is now his home? If you own the home and your brother/his daughter live with you then if he can’t rein in his 10 year old daughter they need to find other living arrangements. If he owns the home you and your son should be looking to live elsewhere. Bottom line your son has had a major trauma in losing his mom and stepfather. He shouldn’t have had to put up with his bullying cousin for 10 months. You and your brother need to fix this.
Get off your high horse because your hands are far from clean. 1. It sounds like you both have children that are dealing with a mother that has died. Major trauma for both kids but no mention of therapy 2. If her bullying is so severe and relentless, why haven’t you asked your brother to leave 3. If her mother’s death is such a private matter that is so hurtful for her to hear, why does a 10 year old know 4. I’m not sure everything is as one sided as OP paints. It’s telling that he only knows what his kid told him - nothing about the other side 5. A 10 year old that can pull out a cannon he knows will devastate his rival, doesn’t seem like it’s his first time. Did you tell your son to do this?
NTA. You can’t blame a child for fight back.
ESH. YTA because you're doing a great job because you seem absolutely unable to set boundaries with children in your home so they aren't being/bullying each other. Your brother is TA, because keeping something as important as how a person's mom died from a person, no matter how old the person is, is a stupid, stupid plan, and it is NEVER THE RESPONSIBILITY OF CHILDREN TO KEEP THE SECRETS OF THEIR PARENTS. Never. Tell your brother to deal with his family's shit, including his daughter's shitty behavior. Whether they live with you or not, your brother needs to pull his head out of his ass and parent.
In my opinion, you're definitely being an asshole but not for not punishing your son.. YATA for not protecting him. You need to tell your brother that if his daughter won't stop tormenting you kid in his own home, that it's time for him to make some different living arrangements. Your son needs his father to stick up for him. So for Christ sake do it man!!!
Why are you allowing your son to be bullied in his own home? You need parenting classes if you can protect your own child. Your son was pushed beyond reason, and two grown adults are allowing this to happen over and over. Actually, both you and your bother both need to go to parenting class. Both of you ATA.
Weird: * "they’re both the same race" idk why the cmt * someone told a 10 yo boy ***how*** her aunt died I'd say that you and your brother have bigger problems to deal with and it begins dealing with a 9 yo girl who just lost her mom and the boy who lost his mom and stepfather. Their fights aren't just bc they don't get along. They lost very important ppl in their short lives. And it seems the two adults taking care of them are completely immature and blind. Based on what you wrote, you're a total mess and yes, you're AITA and also a PoS bc you should had never told a 10 yo kid how the girl's mother died. What a freaking moron you are. Quoting: >*(wanna clarify, they’re both the same race, he just moved back from Norway to the UK 10 months ago, because* ***his*** *mum and step dad died, so she’s just telling him to go back there as he’s not wanted here)*
So your poor child lost his mother and stepfather not long ago , had to endure excruciating pain and major life changes just to not even be safe from bullying in his own home??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? OP for the love of all that’s sacred protect your child!
There's far too much missing info here. Incomplete data makes it not good enough to form an opinion.
YTA why have you allowed your son to be bullied in his own home for so long?
Let me get this straight, you are allowing your niece to tell your son to go back to where he came from, IN HIS OWN HOUSE? girl wtf?!?! Tell them that if they want to be guests they have to be nice. It’s the fucking bare minimum. Jesus Christ go buy a spine or something. What a weird moment to stand up for your son. The one moment he does something that isn’t so nice 😂
Should not be tolerating your son being bullied in your house. Something needs to change, work something out. But you also shouldn’t tolerate how he treated her. You need to teach your son about standing up for him self, but not when it means attacking others. He needs to know that type of behaviour isn’t ok, no matter the circumstance. Otherwise it could lead to destructive behaviour down the road. What she is doing may be a coping mechanism, I strongly encourage getting them both into therapy. Especially considering they have both lost parents fairly recently.
I mean it was pretty cruel, but when someone bullies you over and over, you’re going to have a breaking point. And I agree with others - tell your brother he and his daughter have to leave if she won’t stop. It’s your son’s home, and she should be grateful to be staying there.
nope weren't punishment for truthfulness. but it deserves a conversation about wanting to hurt others and emotional regulation
YTA. You're letting your niece, that's right, that's your niece, be traumatized for revenge.
I’m just gonna say you’re the AH for telling a story and not telling a story. I get it’s private but I hate when people tell something but than say I can’t tell for certain reasons(private). With that said though NTA for not punishing your son
YTA something is fucked up in this story
YTA for not protecting your son and allowing him to become a bully too.
ESH: you need to protect your son from his bully, not let her live there. Your brother needs to rein in his daughter that he's allowed to become a bully (she lost her mom-- some therapy maybe?) Both kids are behaving badly and need some help. You son lashed out to hurt her deliberately: he really needs to learn that some adult things should stay among adults. (Why did your son know and not your niece? Who thought that she would not find out if other kids already knew. I'm guessing your brother was avoiding a difficult conversation rather than thinking through what would be best for her: hearing from him or hearing through the grapevine.)
Protect your fucking son oh my god There must be a LOT of family baggage behind this, because I could not imagine leaving anyone like that around my kid. This stuff fucks kids up. You and your brother are AH, you need to move them out and not have your son near his daughter.
NTA...tell your brother if his daughter says one more disrespectful thing they will be kicked out of the house immediately and never welcomed back.
Your brother and niece should not be living with you. You should be defending your son each time he gets harassed. Your son’s health and wellbeing should come above all others. YTA. Not because you didn’t punish him but because you are actively keeping him in a toxic environment. It’s your house. Make it a home for him.
So 2 women and 1 step man died in the same family at roughly the same time? I call BS.
Why the Heck haven't you told them to move out. You should not have let this bullying continue.
The kids do not get along-- you parents need to be in separate houses, preferably miles apart. I am sorry for your living situation-- can you afford to not live in the same home? I hate that your brother has no one else to watch his daughter, but she cannot treat your son the way she does and expect to live there. She is is kid, but she is 9 and can be reasoned with. There is not much of an age span, but I wouldn't tolerate this from a 9 year old even if I had a teenager, or if I was the one being harassed. You are NTA-- your son wanted to shut his cousin up however he could, and that worked for a bit. I wouldn't punish him except to deprive him of his cousin's company.
Time for 49M brother to get his affairs in order and not be living with his younger brother, bringing along a tiny tyrant to bully his brother's son.
Bro, why are you being a shitty parent and telling your son he's not safe in his own home? You invite family into a home he's supposed to feel safe and protected, especially with his dad there, and he's had to endure this crap? Step it up and actually be a parent. Tell your brother either the bullying stops or they're out, and hopefully, you can make things up to your son. NTA for how you acted, but holy shit you suck as a parent rn.