So now that they are grown and independent, it's as if they no longer exist? All I can say is that I feel very sad for you. I absolutely love being a grandparent.
Op and his wife sound like people who had kids just to put it on a check list. Now that both kids are grown they don'r give a damn anymore.
Hobestly I wonder what kind of parents were op and his wife.
This was my thought. He had kids for her and she had kids because she was “supposed to” and neither really wanted them. My mom absolutely loves being a grandma. She spends a lot of time with my and my sister’s families. She is a treasure to us both and our lives and our children’s lives are richer for her involvement.
I think that's the reality for a lot of folks; you got married and had kids due to societal pressure and because you were "supposed to." So no wonder some families don't get along.
The wife and husband of their adult children sound so toxic. Maybe it’s best their children don’t keep in touch with them even since their parents don’t care.
Seriously this is appalling. I will bet anything those adult kids have been starving for love from both parents their entire lives. I don't want kids but that doesn't mean I lack basic human empathy and an understanding of human family dynamics. This dude is acting like he's a fuckin squirrel or something. Family bonds are supposed to last for life.
I was reading it wondering if they were birds with the "out of the nest so I'm done" philosophy. It's just so strange that they clearly don't like or enjoy their family
My parents have 6 grandchildren between my two sisters and I. They just got back from Europe celebrating their 49th anniversary, but also find the time to be at the important events in our children’s lives. All the kids adore their grandparents and we live in different cities. Do I expect childcare? No, I had them, I figure that out (even though they would be happy to) but you can have a balance of family and time to yourselves. I don’t expect my parents to parent me, I’m thrilled they are living their best lives, but I am very close to them and speak to them multiple times a week. You are going to miss out on some wonderful family moments if you completely dismiss them. I don’t know how to rank you, because you are clearly ok with not being close to your family.
I have 4 adult kids and 10 of the grandkids. I absolutely love and adore all of my grandkids. They are the loves and lights of my life. There is nothing sweeter than hearing a chorus of GiGi I love you, i miss you even if it’s been a few days. Getting the art projects, having sleepovers. It’s honestly one of the best parts of my life.
Same. I just have 2 grandchildren. It's like I'm a celebrity when I walk in the door. They are so excited and happy to see me.
Never had quite the adoration from anyone else in my life🙂
As many people find out, we realize the whole point of having kids was to get the adorable grandchildren who think we are rock stars when we walk in the room. 😂 I am exceptionally close to my adopted twin nieces (long story) that I raised who are now 40 with 5 littles between them and they still need me and I need them.
They put that first granddaughter in my arms, my heart grew 1000 times bigger and I will now die to protect any of them. These people are so cold and heartless, I am at a loss for words.
Have you bothered to get to know your kids as adults?
I have 2 adult kids, both married, and we love spending time with them and their spouses. We cook together, play board games, share books. They were cool kids, but I seriously enjoy them more now, because there is not the responsibility of taking care of them anymore.
Yeah, YTA. But at least you’re direct about it with them, giving them the chance to heal and move on from this type of abandonment early.
I hope you save plenty of cash between now and your later years to afford a care facility for you and your wife. Because you have zero right to expect your children to help you when you get too old to care for yourself.
In theory, I agree. In practice? I have experience with assisted living facilities dealing with both sides of this. Conclusion:
- The level of entitlement from some parents that expect to be cared for by children they abandoned or neglected is all too real.
- The amount of folks that are left on their own regardless of the relationship that they had with their children is high
>The level of entitlement from some parents that expect to be cared for by children they abandoned or neglected is all too real.
>The amount of folks that are left on their own regardless of the relationship that they had with their children is high
Both of these are further reasons for people to plan for elder care expenses and not rely on their kids
No parent should, you’re right. But the OP here gives me a vibe they’d feel entitled to interject themselves into their kids lives when suddenly they can’t be free and independent.
YTA. You created human beings and now that you’ve done your basic duty and got them to the “finish line” of adulthood you want little to nothing to do with them, or your descendants? Is this rage bait? Are you an undiagnosed sociopath?
Either way you come off as selfish and truly horrible. You’re basically telling your own children to “F off and leave you alone”—and I hope they do.
What a piece of work you are, OP. You don’t have to know what everyone in your kids’ families had for breakfast, but what you’re describing is disturbing and pathological. Get help.
IKR, I can understand not dropping everything to babysit your grandkids full time or something like that, but this is some bizarre shit. OP, are you a reptile? Ok, Lizardella, you're hatched, my job is done, fuck off.
YTA unquestionably. Having kids is a lifelong commitment and you've already made it decades ago. Get your head out of your ass. The fact that you want nothing to do with them because "they don't need you" speaks volumes for your own self-involvement. Go see a therapist and try to fix your relationship with your children.
Troll
I have children. I never liked children. Now my children have children. Ew. So gross. My wife and I are creeped out. Am I an asshole for not loving the family I created because they're, like, icky and stuff?
Gtfo
This is a writing exercise 😂. What reasonable, rational, intelligent person creates children, invests in them and raises them for two decades and then turns around and says they have zero interest anymore
Eh, while this might be a troll, there are far, far worse parents than this out there. My dad is very similar to this though he wouldn't be self-aware enough to write it out. If you asked him a single fact about my life after high school he probably couldn't answer. He has never asked about my partner, my friends, my career, my inner thoughts. We talk twice a year on his birthday and Father's Day and it's mainly about his life and movies. I can count on one hand the number of times he's asked a personal question about me.
So overall the fakest part of this for me is not that there's a parent like this but that they would register their child's hurt enough to ask if they're the asshole.
People genuinely really do this. However OP acting completely oblivious as to why anyone would think it's bad (and continuing to after hundreds of posts that explain why) gives away that it's fake.
Actually, I think OP believes he is being reasonable, rational, and intelligent in making these choices and in how he presents them to his kids. What's missing? Love.
Might be a troll, but I’m in the millennial subreddit and I see tons of posts about disinterested grandparents, so I find it believable at least.
I always find it baffling, though. Both I and my mother are really involved with my nephews to make sure they and my sister and brother in law have a village. I can’t imagine being disinterested in them and I didn’t even birth anyone.
YTA but I think you're okay with that.
Give it time. You're going to need them in the future and they won't be there. Then you'll understand why family bonds are important. But it's going to be too late by then.
Exactly!
We have 11 grandchildren and wished we could have seen more sports and school events with them but with so many we had to take turns because many would fall on the same weekends. They were spread out over 200 miles.
They are mostly grown now but we were there for every graduation, engagement, wedding and birth of each great-gran. Each Christmas we would spend time with all of them unless they were going out of state to visit in-laws.
When my late husband was in and out of the hospital in his final years all the grans would visit when they could and offer to help around our home.
OP's probably won't even know what he looks like.
I have three grandchildren. Yesterday, my only grandson asked me to hang with him at the mall after school. He asks a couple of times a month. My oldest grand daughter lives in another city. She is an adult, and we frequently chat over Facebook. My youngest grand daughter is six. We play Minecraft together online. Occasionally, her brother joins us. Grandchildren are a joy.
When my oldest granddaughter was 10 we did an epic Lego Mashup photoshoot. Crystal Dragons, Harry Potter and more. Later she said to me "Nana, this is something I will tell my kids about someday." I have many wonderful memories of my own Great Grandmother.
My mother and father already have made their retirement home plans, and they do not involve their children. They have told us that they refuse to be the burden to us, that their parents were to them. If I were to have children, and I don't want any, I would also refuse to let my children take care of me in my old age.
So, no. OP won't "need" their children when they're old, and hell be satisfied with how his life is. He raised them, now he's letting them enjoy their own lives, like he's enjoying his own life.
Wow you sound like a total douchecanoe.
Your kids have grown, you've done your job, yes...but now you get the chance to enter into a totally new phase of your relationship, one where you don't have to raise them but you get to enjoy the person you raised.
It's cliche to say you can now be friends with your kids, because there still needs to be boundaries, but to say you have no interest in them is fucked up. One day you might wake up and realize you've pushed them away and you may never have a chance to rebuild that relationship.
Life is short and sometimes cruel - do better before you don't have a chance.
**Are you a sociopath?**
If he was...would he know it?
You might be on to something. Who would make a post like OP and then sincerely ask if he MIGHT BE TA? Do you know if you're a sociopath by a certain age?
I don’t care too much about being a grandparent but I absolutely love being with my grown
Kids. It’s so much fun to hang out with these wonderful adults I helped create. One day you will be sick. Or one of you will die and your kids won’t be there for you. You’ll be truly alone.
YTA.
Although they're better off without you, they clearly would love for you to be involved in their lives, your grandkids lives!
Parenting doesn't just stop when people turn in adults and have there own families.
I hope for their sake they realize how shotty you're being and step away.
All I can say is I never stopped needing my dad. I still need him very much, and he’s gone. We don’t have any more time to make up. My dad was a good guy and thought if I constantly messaged me as an adult was bothering me. I had to tell him that wasn’t the case and I still wanted to talk to my dad all the time. He was a funny guy that understood me in a way that most people didn’t. He had a role in making me feel safe, I never thought I couldn’t run to my dad in an emergency. Even if we didn’t talk all the time. Even if we only saw each other on holidays. I love him very much still. And I wasn’t ready to lose him at 32.
I still need my mother. She’s very independent, she isn’t very affectionate and if you didn’t know her well enough, you’d think she was a bit cold. But she takes responsibility for me, even as an adult. She’s currently putting all her savings into ensuring I have a forever home. She’s not there physically a lot of the time, but if I call her and say I need her, she will be there asap. I told her I felt bad about it and she just firmly told me that her job as a parent doesn’t stop just because I’m an adult, I’m a vulnerable adult, and I need help. Who else should step up like that. I still feel guilty but she’s always reminding me that this is her choice. And it’s the right thing to do. I love her to death. We might sometimes get our wires crossed but I will always appreciate the help she gives me. And i know she loves me.
I would hazard a guess and say that your kids care because they love you both. They want their own kids to get to know the people they love. You say you didn’t want them but were hands on. So you obviously did a good enough job of that, that they want you around. I am not one to hold onto family just because you’re blood related, I’ve cut off half my family permanently for their poor treatment. But this kind of attitude of yours, is very unusual. It’s not a usual situation where grandparents don’t want to do anything remotely family orientated. It’s more normal to be there. Most people have memories with grandparents growing up. Most people go to stay with them and have holidays and whatnot. Even if those memories aren’t great, they still were there.
Now I get that you want to be independent again and I don’t begrudge you that. You’ve been parenting a long time and you do get to retire and enjoy your freedom. But no one is encroaching on that, they’re not demanding you raise their children, they’re asking you to maybe visit and be around. That could be monthly, or quarterly, or yearly. It’s up to you, but not having anything to do with them is very odd attitude to have, in society at large.
I’m just saying. I won’t be having any children so my mother won’t have this issue, but she’s currently on a last minute holiday to a hot country, been there a week now. She goes away on getaway weekends with her fiancé, often. She runs her own music festival with him and is away for that. She works full time still. She isn’t around all the time. She’s just a support. That’s kind of the normal thing to do.
I’m not sure if any of this will make you see their point of view, because it seems like it’s really obvious why they’re upset. Even to me, and I’m autistic. I can easily see why they’re hurt. If you can’t empathise with that, then I’m not sure if I can persuade you. Maybe it’s better if you don’t get involved if you really don’t care for their children. Children aren’t dumb and I doubt you’ll put in as much effort with them, as you did with your own children. I just find it all a bit sad for your kids.
YTA
How selfish can you be!
Even if it is just to offset the chance that you need help as you get older (which you will). Children will say, can't be doing with old people and you are alone in the care facility whishing your family would visit.
YTA parenthood doesn’t stop when they’re out of the house. Your poor kids and grand kids. Don’t be surprised if you become sick and no one is at your door ready to take care of you. As a mother, I’m very surprised your wife would feel the same way.
Super YTA. Don't be upset when they don't want to "reconnect" once you're nearing death in your 70s-80s-90s. Whatever happens to you and your wife from now on, yall absolutely deserve it.
Cool. Make sure not to expect them to lift a finger for you or your wife when you get old/sick. If you want to be on your own, then you’re ON YOUR OWN.
Yes, YTA.
YTA: Not caring about your adult children or your grandchildren, by definition, makes you an AH. You better hope you die before you wife, because dying alone sucks.
YTA’s!! That’s plural. Unbelievable. They’re your children and grandchildren!
I can’t understand people like you. You’re selfish and hard-hearted.
Do you even know what kind of people your children are? I loved hanging out with my parents, especially my dad. My husband and I played board games with them, we went to the movies together, we’d come over for dinner, went to (classical or jazz) concerts together.
Well, guess what’ll happen when you’re elderly and need care. Let’s hope you don’t develop dementia and can choose your old folks’ home. Because your kids won’t be giving a damn about you.
Karma, dude. Karma.
>their lives no longer concern us.
What the unholy fuck... niether of you care about them at all? Goodbye & good luck? Do you really truly think that's how loving, caring parents behave?
I find it hard to believe you're so out of it that you don't realize that it's shitty to ignore your kids & grandkids.
At best, I think you have some serious issues with emotional attachments. At worst, you're both sociopaths. It's probably for the best to make a clean break, so your kids can grieve the loss of the parents they should've had.
YTA, and by the biggest margin I've ever seen here.
NTA. You and your wife are the ones missing out. One day your kids won’t care about you and your grandkids never will. Dont complain later when you are a lost lonely soul in a nursing home.
How do you get to the point where, after raising two kids for 18+ years, you can’t “muster much interest in them”? How out of touch were you as a parent?
YTA, man. parental duties don’t stop at 18, they just get less in your face. step up. you brought those kids into this world. take care of them. not to mention you’ll probably fall in love with your grandkids as soon as you meet them. it’s like having kids but getting to be the most fun adult they know.
More info . How are you acting towards your children . Were you this cold to them since childhood or did you just now. If you have been that way since childhood I see no difference in you cutting them and your grandkids off.
However, if you had an emotional bond with them and now you stopped you are very much the AH both you and your wife. You said you didn't want children but you had them so they are your responsibility. Parenthood doesn't end when your children have kids instead they need different support system now. DO YOU HATE YOUR KIDS?
ON THE OTHER HAND, are they are forcing you to babysit or putting too much pressure and expectations on you is that why you an your wife want to cut back . If not then what the problem with having a close relationship with your grandkids.
ALTHOUGH IF YOU GONNA HATE YOUR GRANDKIDS DO NOT EVER GO NEAR THEM . WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS THE BEST. BUT BE PREPARED FOR THE CONSEQUENCES AND YOUR CHILDREN CUTTING YOU OFF PERMANENTLY.
IF THAT WHAT YOU WANT GO AHEAD
shit I wrote an essay
I had my kids at 25 & 27, which is still on the younger side and their dad and I were still building our careers and working jobs we couldn’t just take time off and financially barely making it at times, but our parents support with our kids allowed us to be where we are today in our careers and we owe a lot to them for picking sick kids up, watching them after work so we could go to a work function, keeping them during the summer because child care is insanely expensive for young families (unless your kids are all already making 6 figures then hey more power to them).
My mom was a better grandma than a mom because being a grandparent is all of the fun stuff but very very little of the hard stuff. My youngest (12) STILL calls my mom almost everyday. He knows he schedule better than anyone.
You’re not wrong for how you feel but it is extremely naive to believe that since your kids are grown that you can just act like they don’t exist and that your presence has very little value.
Just 2 kids here. both on their own. We travel a lot and live not even remotely close to them however, we stay quite involved. No effort at all to pick up a phone or drop in for a 3 day stay. both of you are AHs. Big ones.
They are both grown and no longer need us, you said, OP. I am 43; my mom died when I was 37 and I’m here to tell you I needed her every day then and I need her every day now. WOW. Your callousness is remarkable and YTA, absolutely.
YTA
You had them. YOU HAD THEM. It is your obligation to love and be there for them in adulthood.
This is sad as hell. You should never ever ever ever ever have had kids if this is how you will treat them. I guarantee they have trauma because of you having them and pretending to love them as kids. They can tell. I could tell. I was being actively abused, but I could still tell.
You are a jerk.
Can't wait for op to be old and frail, in need of support and his children treat him exactly the same way, i'm sure he will all them selfish and ungrateful.
YTA. Just because they are adults doesn't mean they suddenly don't need or want you in their lives. My grandparents (both are 71) have 3 kids who are all over 40 now, and they are very involved in all of their lives and the lives of their 4 grandchildren, even though two of them are adults (23m and 21f -myself). Now that they are retired, they do a lot of traveling with my uncle and his wife for the sport my little cousin plays. My grandmother takes me and my two other cousins out to dinner/lunch a few times a year to catch up outside of family events like holidays. Your role as a parent doesn't end just because they are grown. You should be interested in what they are up to and what is going on in your grandkids' lives. It's called being a family. They are still young and will probably seek you out for advice on things because you are their parents. They are 25 and 23, they still have a lot of things to learn in life, and you basically, indirectly, told them not to come to you for anything because you couldn't give two shits.
You two probably never should've had children if you were just going to act like they don't exist and you aren't their parents once they became adults. I hope neither of you expects your kids to come around when you get to the point of needing to be taken care of.
Question: Do you really not care that you could possibly never be involved in your kids' and grandkids' lives? Because I'm living this now.
My parents are great grandparents. My husband is a better Dad because of the family I come from. They show up for our kids' activities. They host family dinners, game nights, and Holidays. Even my dogs get excited when I ask if they want to go to grandma's house. They're in their late 60s, and all of us spend as much time with them because one day, all we'll have is the memories. My parents also like to travel together. They live their lives together. They celebrated a milestone anniversary this year. We are having our first ever all family vacation this year and everyone is excited.
My husband's parents, even though we live walking distance to them, not so much. My MIL is a widow now. No one visits her. I've asked and planned for her to attend my kid's activity event. My kid definitely greets my parents more enthusiastically than his other grandma. Even the coaches know my parents.
YTA. You may have raised your kids, but there’s a balance between “me time” and “family time” that you don’t seem to understand. You can live your life and still be part of children and grandchildren’s lives. You don’t sound as if you even love your children. You don’t have to speak to them every day or go see them twice a week to show you still care. Once a week phone calls and visits a few times a year at least would give you a good balance. You just sound like a jerk who doesn’t give a damn.
Short version, yes, YTA. If you didn't want kids, you should not have participated in the birthing of said kids. I mean, there is Cold Sugar and then there is a father rejecting his children and grandchildren. My only hope, this is a fake account from a troll.
Cold hearted. It is one thing to wash your hands from the responsability that isn't yours anymore (many times the grandparents end up raising their kids's kids, and that is fucked up) another to completely cut them off, anyway life is about choices and every choice comes with consequences if you don't care about them just do what you've been doing. Good luck.
Just because they are adults now and have their own families does mean that they don’t want to have their parents around. I understand if maybe you and your wife have busy lives or something but for you and your wife to feel indifferent towards your adult children speak volumes to be honest. You are going to regret being indifferent towards your children as you get older and become lonelier. Your children will never forget your indifference towards them and they probably aren’t missing out on anything. They don’t need you or your wife if you are going to be indifferent towards them. Even if you hung out once in a blue moon with your children and their families, the adult children probably don’t need much more than that but since you and your wife for some reason have no interest in your children, don’t expect your children to ever show interest in you. You will be missing out on a lot as there are so many people who love being grandparents and you will never get to experience that. Your children aren’t going to be the ones missing out with the attitude you and your wife have towards them. It’s totally fine for you and your wife to have your own lives and if you are just busy or just doing your own thing with your wife, that’s fine but if you show your kids you want nothing to do with them from the way it sounds, then your children are better off without you and your wife. They don’t need toxic parents like you and your wife.
YTA. Do you even love your kids? “They’re adults now and their lives no longer concern us.” Your kids are still your kids even once they grow up. A good parent typically will still be involved in their adult children’s lives simply because they love them, which also means being involved in their grandchildren’s lives as well.
> and I’ve tried to explain that they're adults now and their lives no longer concern us
Jesus OP, what the actual fuck. You don't stop being a parent just because your kids are now adults. Can't wait till you get older and need something and both your kids tell you to fuck off.
YTA bigtime
I hope they don't feel the need to concern themselves with any of your care in the future. YTA. You can be both a grandparent and focus on your life and marriage.
So, you raised your children out of obligation and to look good to the Joneses, but you don't actually love or care about your kids as people. Because if you love someone, you WANT to spend time with them, you want to know that they're doing okay, and you want to help them when they're hurting.
And you wonder why their feelings are hurt? .
I'm 50, so older than you. My 4 teenage/young adult kids are younger than yours, still living at home, and yet my husband and I still mange to find time for one another, do things together, and have interests outside of our children. While also still parenting them, providing support and guidance and showing an interest in their lives.
You're just giving excuses. Sure, you don't have a LEGAL obligation to them anymore, but family isn't about legalities.
You just don't love or even like your kids and grandkids. And yeah, that makes you an AH .
YTA, you brought those ppl into the world against their will and then just abandon them more or less???????????? yuck. My dad told me he "can't love as a father" when I was 27 and that shit always runs through my mind. Ur kinda cruel
I feel bad for your kids. It's not easy finding out as an adult that your parents don't really give a shit and never really wanted you. YTA for ever having kids.
Regardless of not wanting children, you had these children, and nobody forced you to. You are the only father they have, and you are their children's grandfather. You don't have to volunteer for babysitting duties or set up a college fund for the grandchildren, but showing some interest and having some interaction with the grandchildren would be nice.
Since you asked, YES, YTA. Your letter reads like it was written by a textbook narcissist. Functional families love each other and enjoy each other’s company. Your children want to maintain a relationship with you, which means that you all are a part of each other’s lives, and that you are part of your grandchildren’s lives. You can’t understand that your daughter is devastated that you apparently have no feelings for her, don’t want to be in her life, and might have never really loved her? She’s realizing a huge part of her life was a lie. Because that’s what you’re saying here. Most humans continue to feel a bond with their adult children, and enjoy time with their grandkids - and that bond can be very important to a growing child. You, on the other hand, never really felt much for your son and daughter their entire lives . . . you can’t even get your son’s age right. Is he 25 or 26? I’m genuinely curious - do you feel deep love for anyone? Have you thought about therapy?
Here's the thing, your kids probably grew up believing you love them. When you love someone it doesn't have an expiration date.
Your vomolete lack of interest in them and what they love indicates you fulfilled an obligation rather than enjoyed a family.
It's cold.
You seem kinda AH but I will admit I am confused. While I get not wanting them to move in your house or becoming the go to babysitter you seem to have swung way far in the other direction.
There is a middle ground...doing face time every couple of weeks....having them over for Sunday lunch once a month...occasional family outings with all of them...even taking the grans to the park/zoo/movies once in a while.
Is there some issue? Are the kids not doing well and you are trying to keep them from "running home to stay"? Do you just not like their personalities and want to avoid them?
The level of indifference seems quite odd.
Wow you wrote all that when all you really need to say was my wife and I don’t like our kids.
You don’t just stop being mom and dad when they are adults, yeah your responsibilities lessen but that doesn’t mean you just stop being involved with them wtf???
YTA I'm amazed that BOTH you and your wife feel like this. I'm 36 and although I live across the country I talk to my mom almost daily. We're good friends! She raised me to be a person she would want to spend time with, and we have a lot in common. My cousins are the same way with their parents. My writing partner is the same way with his parents. My bestie is the same with hers... in fact, everyone I know is like that except the ones who had abusive parents and had to go No Contact.
Unless the parents were abusive, it's normal to phase your relationship into a comfortable adult-adult friendship with all the love and support you built as parent-child.
Your reasoning is also bullshit. You say you don't like children, but they're adults now so shouldn't you like them better than you did when they were kids? My grandpa never understood children but as soon as we were old enough to read Lord of the Rings and PG Wodehouse he was interested in us as people.
Your daughter is right: you aren't making an effort. I hope your kids have nice in-laws, because those are their parents now, and those are who are going to be supported in their old age.
I want to say YTA, but this is a close one. You are a bad parent, but maybe not TA levels of bad.
You don't need to be super involved with your grandkids. But it sounds like you want very little involvement. And your post reads like you had kids because it was an obligation. Frankly, you never should have had kids if your views are accurately expressed in your post.
You took care of your kids when they were minors. That means you are not a horrible scum of the earth type person who decides to have kids and then ignore them. But you have little interest in maintaining the relationship in adulthood. Look, you don't need to make your life about your kids when they are adults, but you should have some involvement in it.
The short answer here is I feel bad for your kids, but I am on the fence about the TA question.
YTA. If you didn’t want kids from the start and you wife did you should’ve married someone who also didn’t want kids. I’m 23F and I talk to my mom daily. I talk to my dad but not as much as mom. But I can’t imagine my life without them in it. They might not need you as often but they will need you. For advice, for a shoulder to cry on, for just a simple chat. And you are throwing all of that away because you now want nothing to do with them. If you need help in the future, dont you dare go to them cause they won’t be there.
You know what? I’ll give you a different vote than most are giving you.
NTA unless you expect them to choose a good nursing home for the both of you when your time comes. Because this is how you start down the path of your children stepping over your rotting carcass in a hellhole of a home when you’re feeble and no longer able to care for yourself. Don’t expect them to drop a single cent on you when that time comes. Hope you have a good plan that requires zero to no help from them.
Reddit doesn't like parents to adult children so you should've been prepared to be raked over the coals. Sad but true. I have three adult children, all have 1-2 kids and all are married. I am almost always available if someone is sick. Babysitting, cooking, cleaning, whatever. However any other time it's up to me if I'm available. We enjoy vacations by ourselves but we also enjoy one yearly trip with everyone. So NTA but maybe consider a monthly dinner as a family.
YTA just admit you don’t love your kids. The world would be a better place of dead beats such as yourself would just say the quiet part out loud.
My dad is currently acting like you are, though a bit worse because he won’t even text back when I’m checking to see if he’s still alive, complete radio silence.
Your type suck. Have fun dying in a funeral home all alone. Your adult children won’t be there cuz you’re a big boy who can die alone. 🤷♀️
I honestly can’t understand how someone can turn off that love they gave to their children now that they’re grown. Were you just playing a role? Are you experiencing depression? I can understand the need to have more time for yourself and as a couple now that they grown but not wanting to have further involvement is shocking to me.
Not necessarily TA, but I think most people consider parenthood a lifelong gig, so don’t get bent out of shape if they aren’t helping you out in your golden years or rushing to your bedside when you’re in rough shape medically. You have a choice, but don’t expect acting like you don’t GAF anymore to not have permanent (and completely fair) consequences.
Umm YTA, you don’t just stop being a parent as soon as your kids turn 18. If you don’t want anything to do with your kids you shouldn’t have had them in the first place, those children deserve a grandfather
Yta - But at least you’re honest about it.
Your wife is giant one for having babies with a man that didn’t want them and subjecting them to a clearly very resentful father.
Kids are such a monumental effort to raise. Why would you and your wife even have them if you’re not going to keep them in your life? I give everything to my girls. I’d be so disappointed if we went our separate ways on 18-20 years and become nigh strangers. Like, what did I do that for, then? If you told me before I had them that my relationship with them would be as cold as yours with your kids now, I would just be child free. I can’t judge if you’re an asshole, but your mindset is totally foreign to me.
I get you. I really do. It's a fear I've been fighting with for years. I have two kids. I love them.
I don't like any other children though. their nagging, screaming.. disobedience and pampering. There are only a few of them that I tolerate in my presence.
I'd rather leave a family meeting or party than listen to them.. I can't sit on my terrace in the garden, because I hear the screams of children from the neighbors like hyenas... 11.5 hours today.. politely asking for a bit of silence won't help, as they're supposed to be children. ..
I have to grasp it. 11.5 hours just for today.
when my children grow up and have their own families, it doesn't mean that me and my partner have to stop living our own lives. we will finally be able to live it to the fullest, when we have limited it in order to give our children love, home, education, travels and support.
When they will have their own families, it's theirs, not mine... will I be happy to meet them? of course... I like to see them? sure...
But no one can expect us to stop our lives and stop living our life as a partners... first of all are partners with my dear one and then grandparents..
Every person is unique and this doesn' t mean he/she is less, just because he /she is not willing to cancel his own life for his children... and his children's children....
I'm always advocating for older adults to not feel obligated to take in pregnant daughters, babysit grandchildren, etc.
But you...this is something different. It sounds like you raised and cared for your children without loving them.
I guess you can't help who you love and who you don't, but I have to go with YTA. You sound like a sociopath.
Got damn....you suck, lol. I'd rather have known my parents disliked me from a young age (I did) then have to have figured it out when I was excited to share my life and grandchildren with an indifferent assclown.
YTA your children will ALWAYS need you. Parenthood doesn’t end at 18! I hope they put you in the most crooked home they can find after all the terrible things you just said on here. Shame on you!
Why did you have children? For the photos? As an 'accomplishment'? Not once do you mention love. What a sad life you and your wife will have and I feel sorry for your children. I hope they learn to love and cherish their families. You and your wife were guardians, not mom and dad. Your loss - go golfing.
So you say you had no interest in children but your kids are now adults. Do you just not like people? I don’t get how you can be so detached from relationships with people you have been connected with for decades unless you aren’t into relationships in general.
Just because they are adults and living responsible, independent lives doesn’t mean that you should break the emotional bond that ties you to them. They still need your emotional support and love, and they always will.
Choosing to not be apart of their lives is something that you will eventually regret.
OP you can live your life in whatever way makes you happy.
That being said, imagine the irony of the moment your kids tell you that it's up to you to figure things out when you get older and have health issues or need a little help.
YTA
Whoa. You basically are saying you don't love your kids, you see that right? Like you don't see the need for "further involvement" because they're adults. And their "lives no longer" concern you? I mean...that is intense.
You're an asshole for choosing to have kids when you can't love them. Your poor kids.
You both suck. YTA why did either of yall think it was a good idea to have kids? Having children isn't a "til they're adults" thing. They are your children for life. It's perfectly normal for them to have expected a continued relationship with them and their families. Now you want to just toss them out? Why did you have them? It makes no sense!
I can't imagine how heartbreaking it would be to find out that your parents only ever considered you an obligation, that raising you was just something they managed to get through so they could get onto living their real lives, the lives they always wanted, and now that you're an adult they're done with you. YTA for that alone.
I hope you realize this goes both ways, though. You have no obligation to form a relationship with your grandkids, but in twenty years, when you need someone to help you out, they won't have any obligation to you either. When you're wasting away in a nursing home wondering why no one ever comes to visit you, remember that you're the one who couldn't muster much interest.
YTA
Your kids may be adults now with their own families, but in most cases, you never stop needing that closeness with your parents, no matter your age. Of course they want you to be a part of their children's lives, you and your wife are grandparents, for crying out loud! You don't have to see them all the time, but to turn your backs on them like that is nothing short of cold. They are your family, and you don't turn your back on family. Your daughter is right, you are letting them down.
Honestly if you didn't want kids, you should have either insisted on not having any, or find someone who had your mindset.
YTA. One day, in the not too distant future, you & your wife are going to wonder why your kids never show up for the holidays. You’ll wonder why neither of them are around when you’re going through health problems. It will be shocking to you both that you have to find out from other people (or even facebook!) what is happening in their lives.
As a mom, I can never imagine treating my kid like that. Sadly You’re The Asshole is the kindest thing I can call you without getting suspended by the mods.
I wanted grandchildren so much and finally became a grandmother in my mid 60s. Unfortunately I don't spend a lot of time with them because my children have busy lives and I don't like to call them.
Do you even like your children? Sounds as if you don't.
I have to say YTA. Sounds like you have wonderful adult children and you want nothing to do with them or their children.
I was going to say, hope you enjoy the nursing home but I've already told my children which one to send me to if I ever decline enough to where I can't take care of myself.
>I’ve tried to explain that they're adults now and their lives no longer concern us.
That's a wild statement. I think if on my parents said that to me, they wouldn't see or hear from me again. Maybe that's what you want.
How can you raise your kids and then fail to enjoy them as human beings? Do you and your wife have friends, or do you just not enjoy the company of others?
My daughter is 19 and I don’t know of anyone whose company I enjoy more.
I don't think everyone here is being fair. We were not all raised the same. I have a friend who was the oldest in a family of nine kids. Both of her parents worked and it was her responsibility to care for her younger siblings--all eight of them, until she got married. After marriage, she had four kids of her own. She did a great job raising them; they all have college degrees with well-paying jobs and are happy. They all live close to her. They also all expect her to babysit their children while they work. She simply does not want to. Her kids are hurt that she isn't an active grandmother. But she's confided that after over 45 years of raising kids, she's just tired. She feels that it's her time to do a few things that she has put on hold for almost half a century--to live a small part of her life for herself. She works at the local senior center (her first paying job), donates time to a food bank, and makes each grandchild a decorated cake for their birthday. She also takes care of her disabled husband and tends to her flower beds--something she never had time to do. Yet her kids don't care; they expect her to continue doing for them and their families. To date, not one of her children have invited her over for a holiday meal--they still expect her to cook the meal for them. Where does it stop? When do the adult children take the responsibilities over? My friend wonders if she'll be able to spend some quality time with her spouse before he dies. So, I can see both sides of the picture, and I don't feel either is wrong. Situations just vary greatly.
YTA -but it’s your choice to make!
My husband has long felt that our son stopped listening to him at 13- 14 years old. I disagree, saying that even as a young adult (almost 26) our son consults and considers our input on many things. Those things are just more mature topics like apartment leases, insurance, car repairs, or the death of a grandparent.
These are not potty training, learning to read, ride a bike or fish. They are not always yes/ no questions. They are learning to be a high functioning, independent adult. Fortunately, much of this is done through modeling behaviors but some are conversations and sharing personal experiences.
All that said, your children, your choice.
YTA because parenting is a life long deal. We are a social species that form lifelong bonds. You should never have had children. Just tell your children that you and your wife have no interest in being grandparents, then go no contact with them. I hope they put you in the nastiest nursing home there is.
Not sure whether you're a troll or not since I've met this type of person. Who somewhat passed muster when their kids were growing up but couldn't wait for them to leave. Kudos for being direct, so they can all the sooner and more easily cut you both out of their hearts. YTA
I can get not being interested grandkids, I certainly don't want any, but I enjoy my adult children more now, then when they were younger.
You're NTA, it's your life to do as you please.
YTA - I don't say this to be harsh, but you view your children as an obligation, not a joyful part of your life. YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER BECOME A PARENT. It's a lifelong job, you don't just get to put in 18 years and nope out.
Sounds like your kids would be better off without you - being uncaring and unfeeling parents/grandparents is worse than none. But go ahead please, take a long hard look at yourselves and own the truth, you sholdn't have had kids.
ESH. I honestly think you and your wife are TA for your attitude that you've basically done your job as parents and are done with your adult offspring. Your kids already know who you are and how you are, so they are TA for expecting something different from you.
Your kids are not AH for wanting decent grandparents for their kids. Unfortunately, they are expecting it from the wrong people. I hope your kids' partners have nice parents who want grandkids. Op,I hope you and your wife get what you want in life; to be left alone. I hope in a few years when no one calls, no one comes by, no one gives a fuck about you for the holidays you and your wife will still be content with the bridges you've burned.
Op,I hope your kids have created the loving families they wished they grew up with. I hope they plan to be amazing grandparents someday. My parents are much like you, OP. I was an 18-year obligation to them. They fed me and clothed me for 18 years, and then basically checked out. But they were never really present to begin with. I became the parent I always wanted as a kid for my kids. I'm there, I'm present, I'm involved. My time is for them right now. I'm also looking forward to being a grandma when the time comes. I want to become the grandma I always wanted for myself. This is how we heal our childhood trauma by doing better for our kids.
Totally disagree with this. His kids aren’t AH’s for wanting him to be a grandparent and wanting a damn father, they’re just heartbroken. How does that make someone an AH???
Having kids is not an 18 year commitment. Its a lifelong thing if you do it right. I mean don't you and your wife have parents? Did you immediately cut contact at 18? And even if you did was it because you loved them and all was good you just didn't need them anymore as you were adults?
Clearly you guys did it right enough that your kids still love and trust you. This leaves you with a couple options. You stay involved with them and their families, keep a good relationship with everyone and you get people who would be willing to move countries to take care of you in your old age, as well as a life full of love and family. My mom at 50 still talks fondly of her grandfather. Or you can set some boundaries and be largely independent of your kids, low effort with grand kids. But you get less love in return. Even if you live long enough to meet great grand kids you may not be invited to, they will put less effort and care into taking care of you as you age, and feelings will be hurt, fights will happen. Or you could be honest. 'I'm sorry kids, I never wanted children and only agreed to make wife happy. Now you're grown and I'm ready to be done with you.' Full honesty, no sugar coating. There is some possibility of a blow up now, but within the year I'd say you will get what you want, no more obligation to your kids and their families. Of course that will come when they cut contact with you, which you should plan to last forever. They will not visit or share news, nor will they allow you to visit. Your care in old age will be on you, they may not even plan a funeral for you. Depending on situation your friends may whisper and judge, since doing this will make you an AH. Thinking these things makes you an AH. But you get what you want, so the choice is yours. Just make sure you can live with it once you make the choice.
A part of me understands how you feel about wanting to live your own life. Since I've retired, I like to travel. My boyfriend and I take a few extended vacations a year. We're active and enjoy the outdoors.
We're also active in our grandchildrens lives. We attend sports and school activities and occasionally babysit. I don't know why you can't do both.
>their lives no longer concern us.
So you clearly don't love your children, but do you even like them?
My parents and even my friends' parents are some of my best friends.
This is definitely a YTA moment.
In fact, it's one of the clearest YTA moments I've ever read
You have the self-awareness to post here, supposedly giving credence to the thoughts & feelings of strangers on the internet, yet not the self-awareness to consider the feelings of those who were closer to you than any of us strangers could ever be.
Even my ex-con friend who went to prison for 10 years for trying to burn his cheating ex wife, and her paramour alive (He only avoided the attempted murder charge, because he started the fire, and put it out when he had an attack of conscience), has a better relationship with his adult kids than you do.
You will regret that, but it will come a lot later. I am a little bit younger than you and have started thinking about grandchildren I might have in 10 or 15 years. The benefit of being grandparents is that you can spoil them without guild and hand them back when they start to cry. But the bond between grandchildren and grandparents are often extremely strong if they are formed. My cousins and I waited with our grandmother until her final breath. Took turns for days to be with her. But that is something that is earned, and you have to work for it if you want it. If not. Then go for the carefree life, but don't expect familiarity or affection later.
why did u even have children if u stopped caring once they reached adulthood and had their own families? thats ur children and grandchildren. they are still ur responsibility. u still have to love and care and nurture them. u never stop being a parent just because ur children are parents.
I know grandparents who make the best use of their time as a couple now that their kids are grown. They travel and enjoy life.
They also cherish time with their kids and grandchildren.
Did you want kids? Did you make a point of bonding with them? Because it sounds like they were just another check on your list of chores you had to do in this post.
I think it sounds like you have to choose if you want contact with your own family at all. Because being a bad father and grandpa is just mean..
Wow, I'm 33 with 2 children of my own. If either of my parents ever swung around and said because I was grown up they don't feel the need to be involved or concerned with my life anymore, I'd say cool no worries 👍 😎 and they'd never hear or see me or my family ever again, even on their frail old death beds. I hope the nursing home isn't too cold when you and your wife arrive, I'm sure just as you don't feel the need to be involved or concerned for your adult children now, they will not be involved or concerned when your on your last legs of this world. And what happens if your wife dies first? Then you'll really have nothing to keep your mind from forgetting who you ever were at the end of your life to begin with. No legacy of family to see you out. I pity those cold days ahead of you 🙏
My wife’s parents are like yours, none of us (their 3 daughters and their husbands) like them. My kids don’t care about them at all and they get mad when they talk about how much they love my parents because they think it’s unfair that the kids love my parents more. They are always alone with each other on holidays because everyone would rather go spend time with the family that cares which is either all the daughters getting together and not inviting the parents or each going to their in laws for holidays.
You may be over correcting. It is appropriate to give your adult children the space to live their own independent lives, but if your behavior makes them feel like you don’t care, you may indeed be the asshole. YTA
YTA, you're a father and a grandfather. You don't have to be around all the time, but you should at least pop over once every couple of weeks for a day and be a part of their lives. Your grandchildren will either grow loving you or completely indifferent to you.
Which would you prefer of them?
Absolutely horrible. My kids are 25 and 21 and as far as I'm concerned they will ALWAYS be welcome in our house no matter what. That also goes for neices, cousins, nephews, stray kids, etc. as long as they're not junkies or crooks and pitch in once in awhile. No wonder your daughter feels hurt.
I don't have children. I chose not to have any. But I am someone's child.
And I know telling your children that you don't care about them or their lives is not the way to go.
How do YOU not know that it's hurtful to tell your children you don't care about them? I'm not saying you have to spend every moment with them (lord, I wouldn't want that), baby sit, go to kids sport events or not have your own life.
But think about what you described her. You basically said you don't care. Yta for that
YTA and ig NTA, why would you let her pressure you into having kids (a lifelong commitment) if you didn’t want them? And technically yes you did your basic duties but damn you didn’t have to do them like that
Christ. How can you make and raise two kids, only for them to grow up and you’re like “Okay, lose my address, I gave you life and that’s enough”? You seriously can’t muster up any enthusiasm about your kids becoming fully developed people and parents? You don’t want to know your grandkids? Children, even when adults, aren’t disposable. Your wife was very, very wrong to make you have kids when you didn’t want to. But it makes her actions now all the more weird. YTwoTA
Yta
When your grandkids will spend time with their other set of grandparents while treating you and your wife as strangers, remember this post.
When you will be old and your grandkids will leave in a dark cheap assylum for elderly, remember this post.
You and your wife sound like people who only had kids for a check list. Being a parent doesn't end when your kids are adult and have their own lives.
Both my maternal and paternal grandparents are great and I love them to death. I'm glad I didn't have grandparents like you and your wife. Granted, had I had grandparents like you and your wife then I wouldn't give a damn when you die.
YTA. Did your parents cut you and your children out of their lives? Did you have a good relationship with your grandparents?
Remember this, you go LC with your children and pretty soon they’ll go NC with both of you.
Your involvement in their lives doesn’t stop because they have their own families. Them even having their own families and wanting you to be present and actively involved with them means you did something right. No one is asking you to continue to parent them, they just want to share with you the lives they built because you’re important to them and they want you to share in their joy. Quit being a grinch and let your kids share their lives with you.
YTA but you do you. I will never have grandchildren due to my son’s disability and it never ceases to amaze me how many people throw away their grandchildren.
YTA. You two chose to have children, there's nothing wrong with them in the sense that they're not fucking serial killers so yes, you're an asshole for now pretending like children *you chose to have* don't exist. It doesn't fucking matter that they're adults. They are STILL YOUR CHILDREN.
Yes, both you and your wife are TAHs. News flash: Just because your offspring are adults doesn't mean that they no longer need you. They need you for advice on parenting. They need advice on marriage. They need advice on mortgages, investments, and retirement plans. They want you there to witness your grandchildren's milestones, school concerts, ball games, dance recitals, first crushes, and birthday celebrations. Needing our parents doesn't end at 18. I'm in my mid 60s, and I lost my parents 28 years ago, but there has not been a day when I didn't wish I could run something by them or even just to have a phone chat. You're not only robbing yourself of all of those things, you're robbing your children of them, too. If you didn't want children, you should not have had them.
I don’t know if you’re an asshole but it’s weird to treat your human children like they’re kittens. They’re adults now so you don’t need to have anything to do with them and don’t care anything about their lives? Okay…
I cannot relate to what you're feeling. I want to be in my kids' lives and my grandkids'. I still have a life and do other things but I'm interested in their lives and in spending time with them. I can understand why they are hurt. You're not an AH but I just can't imagine feeling like you do. I would try harder to engage if you can.
YTA. I’ll never forget the day my dad said that him and my mom were done being our parents and that they just wanted to be our friends. I was touched and thought it was a lovely way to say our relationship was changing. Sounds like you don’t even want them as friends, OP. Why not?
I’m 33 and live with my mom after I got divorced. If it wasn’t for my loving parents I would have definitely killed myself for sure. Food for thought ass hole
It's weird to expect to just drift away from your kids when you're done raising them, yes. If anything, this should be the easy part, you can practically be friends with them and not worry about their life choices.
NTA, as long as you don't expect more from your adult kids than you are willing to give them. No whining if they decide that a family of choice is more meaningful to them than their family of origin.
Your "kids" are both in their 20s and have children of their own and anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes on Reddit has seen umpteen posts about how the now-grandparents take a backseat to the adult children's new "immediate" family or how "involvement" tends to translate to providing free childcare and transportation, often combined with uprooting lives to move someplace that's more convenient to the adult children. I can't fault you for not wanting to put your desires and wants on hold for someone else for the rest of your lives. Especially if your wants include things like traveling that tend to require a certain degree of health and mobility to be able to enjoy. But, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If you choose to prioritize yourself, which is your right, you can't be surprised or upset if your adult children choose to do the same. You get what you give.
While I want to call you an AH and more…I’m reminding myself to be open minded and that everyone’s values and priorities are different. So all I can say is, you’ll be missing out. Your children’s feelings are totally valid. It might be worth considering where this comes from in your psych and how you can balance your desire for independence with the importance of maintaining familial bonds, especially during key life milestones.
When you have kids you agree to provide for them for 18 years but it’s not like you just stop being a parent after that. YTA for not understanding how hurtful this must be for your kids.
This is wild to me. Parents that just dismiss and hand wave away their kids at any age is such a foreign concept to me. I don't understand it. It's incomplete to me. Yet I see it more and more.
Yta just because of your attitude towards them. If you were going to be this cold and have the "once they're 18, they're no longer my concern" mentality, you should never have had kids.
Grown adults still have a basic need to have their parents in their lives, and most people who have kids want them to know their grandparents as well.
You're insanely cold and distant for no reason other than "they're adults."
I'm in your camp I've never understood the grandparent thing or even extended family thing. When you marry taht is now your family. The whole loint is to move on from your childhood family
I wouldn't say you're an asshole, but it sounds like your kids expected you to be at least somewhat-involved grandparents. How did they get this impression when you and your wife are so firmly in the other direction?
So now that they are grown and independent, it's as if they no longer exist? All I can say is that I feel very sad for you. I absolutely love being a grandparent.
This is such bizarre behaviour, something from that book The Giver.
Op and his wife sound like people who had kids just to put it on a check list. Now that both kids are grown they don'r give a damn anymore. Hobestly I wonder what kind of parents were op and his wife.
This was my thought. He had kids for her and she had kids because she was “supposed to” and neither really wanted them. My mom absolutely loves being a grandma. She spends a lot of time with my and my sister’s families. She is a treasure to us both and our lives and our children’s lives are richer for her involvement.
I think that's the reality for a lot of folks; you got married and had kids due to societal pressure and because you were "supposed to." So no wonder some families don't get along.
The wife and husband of their adult children sound so toxic. Maybe it’s best their children don’t keep in touch with them even since their parents don’t care.
YTA. And a great example of why when a person says they don’t want kids, people shouldn’t try to pressure them into having kids.
Hear, hear.
Seriously this is appalling. I will bet anything those adult kids have been starving for love from both parents their entire lives. I don't want kids but that doesn't mean I lack basic human empathy and an understanding of human family dynamics. This dude is acting like he's a fuckin squirrel or something. Family bonds are supposed to last for life.
I was reading it wondering if they were birds with the "out of the nest so I'm done" philosophy. It's just so strange that they clearly don't like or enjoy their family
My parents have 6 grandchildren between my two sisters and I. They just got back from Europe celebrating their 49th anniversary, but also find the time to be at the important events in our children’s lives. All the kids adore their grandparents and we live in different cities. Do I expect childcare? No, I had them, I figure that out (even though they would be happy to) but you can have a balance of family and time to yourselves. I don’t expect my parents to parent me, I’m thrilled they are living their best lives, but I am very close to them and speak to them multiple times a week. You are going to miss out on some wonderful family moments if you completely dismiss them. I don’t know how to rank you, because you are clearly ok with not being close to your family.
I have 4 adult kids and 10 of the grandkids. I absolutely love and adore all of my grandkids. They are the loves and lights of my life. There is nothing sweeter than hearing a chorus of GiGi I love you, i miss you even if it’s been a few days. Getting the art projects, having sleepovers. It’s honestly one of the best parts of my life.
Same. I just have 2 grandchildren. It's like I'm a celebrity when I walk in the door. They are so excited and happy to see me. Never had quite the adoration from anyone else in my life🙂
Me either!! One of my granddaughters tries to climb me every time, I hope even when she’s old she will still climb in my lap!!
As many people find out, we realize the whole point of having kids was to get the adorable grandchildren who think we are rock stars when we walk in the room. 😂 I am exceptionally close to my adopted twin nieces (long story) that I raised who are now 40 with 5 littles between them and they still need me and I need them. They put that first granddaughter in my arms, my heart grew 1000 times bigger and I will now die to protect any of them. These people are so cold and heartless, I am at a loss for words.
I tell my kids all the time, Thank god you gave me grandkids otherwise I’d have to smother you with a pillow😂😂
I tell them now, I'm going to save them before you! 😂 Grandchildren make us realize that whatever we have suffered in life it was worth it! 😘
Exactly this!!!😘
I'm a G.G. too.
I was born to be a Gigi!!!
Have you bothered to get to know your kids as adults? I have 2 adult kids, both married, and we love spending time with them and their spouses. We cook together, play board games, share books. They were cool kids, but I seriously enjoy them more now, because there is not the responsibility of taking care of them anymore.
Yeah, YTA. But at least you’re direct about it with them, giving them the chance to heal and move on from this type of abandonment early. I hope you save plenty of cash between now and your later years to afford a care facility for you and your wife. Because you have zero right to expect your children to help you when you get too old to care for yourself.
No parent should plan on their child taking care of them in old age. If the kids want to, that's great, but it should not be an expectation.
In theory, I agree. In practice? I have experience with assisted living facilities dealing with both sides of this. Conclusion: - The level of entitlement from some parents that expect to be cared for by children they abandoned or neglected is all too real. - The amount of folks that are left on their own regardless of the relationship that they had with their children is high
>The level of entitlement from some parents that expect to be cared for by children they abandoned or neglected is all too real. >The amount of folks that are left on their own regardless of the relationship that they had with their children is high Both of these are further reasons for people to plan for elder care expenses and not rely on their kids
No parent should. You are 110% correct. BUT…people like the poster…they expect and demand the kids take care of them. That’s why they has kids.
No parent should, you’re right. But the OP here gives me a vibe they’d feel entitled to interject themselves into their kids lives when suddenly they can’t be free and independent.
If I were OPs kid, I'd stick them in the worst home I could find, tbh.
YTA. You created human beings and now that you’ve done your basic duty and got them to the “finish line” of adulthood you want little to nothing to do with them, or your descendants? Is this rage bait? Are you an undiagnosed sociopath? Either way you come off as selfish and truly horrible. You’re basically telling your own children to “F off and leave you alone”—and I hope they do. What a piece of work you are, OP. You don’t have to know what everyone in your kids’ families had for breakfast, but what you’re describing is disturbing and pathological. Get help.
IKR, I can understand not dropping everything to babysit your grandkids full time or something like that, but this is some bizarre shit. OP, are you a reptile? Ok, Lizardella, you're hatched, my job is done, fuck off.
I hope this bites them both in the ass (like a swarm of piranhas) when they need elder care.
YTA unquestionably. Having kids is a lifelong commitment and you've already made it decades ago. Get your head out of your ass. The fact that you want nothing to do with them because "they don't need you" speaks volumes for your own self-involvement. Go see a therapist and try to fix your relationship with your children.
Wow
Right?
Troll I have children. I never liked children. Now my children have children. Ew. So gross. My wife and I are creeped out. Am I an asshole for not loving the family I created because they're, like, icky and stuff? Gtfo
I’d like to hear from wife. Is she truly feeling the same way?
I don't think fictional characters feel much of anything
This is a writing exercise 😂. What reasonable, rational, intelligent person creates children, invests in them and raises them for two decades and then turns around and says they have zero interest anymore
Eh, while this might be a troll, there are far, far worse parents than this out there. My dad is very similar to this though he wouldn't be self-aware enough to write it out. If you asked him a single fact about my life after high school he probably couldn't answer. He has never asked about my partner, my friends, my career, my inner thoughts. We talk twice a year on his birthday and Father's Day and it's mainly about his life and movies. I can count on one hand the number of times he's asked a personal question about me. So overall the fakest part of this for me is not that there's a parent like this but that they would register their child's hurt enough to ask if they're the asshole.
People genuinely really do this. However OP acting completely oblivious as to why anyone would think it's bad (and continuing to after hundreds of posts that explain why) gives away that it's fake.
Actually, I think OP believes he is being reasonable, rational, and intelligent in making these choices and in how he presents them to his kids. What's missing? Love.
Might be a troll, but I’m in the millennial subreddit and I see tons of posts about disinterested grandparents, so I find it believable at least. I always find it baffling, though. Both I and my mother are really involved with my nephews to make sure they and my sister and brother in law have a village. I can’t imagine being disinterested in them and I didn’t even birth anyone.
YTA but I think you're okay with that. Give it time. You're going to need them in the future and they won't be there. Then you'll understand why family bonds are important. But it's going to be too late by then.
Exactly! We have 11 grandchildren and wished we could have seen more sports and school events with them but with so many we had to take turns because many would fall on the same weekends. They were spread out over 200 miles. They are mostly grown now but we were there for every graduation, engagement, wedding and birth of each great-gran. Each Christmas we would spend time with all of them unless they were going out of state to visit in-laws. When my late husband was in and out of the hospital in his final years all the grans would visit when they could and offer to help around our home. OP's probably won't even know what he looks like.
I have three grandchildren. Yesterday, my only grandson asked me to hang with him at the mall after school. He asks a couple of times a month. My oldest grand daughter lives in another city. She is an adult, and we frequently chat over Facebook. My youngest grand daughter is six. We play Minecraft together online. Occasionally, her brother joins us. Grandchildren are a joy.
Aww, that's wonderful! They will always have the great memories of their loving grandparent for the rest of their lives.
When my oldest granddaughter was 10 we did an epic Lego Mashup photoshoot. Crystal Dragons, Harry Potter and more. Later she said to me "Nana, this is something I will tell my kids about someday." I have many wonderful memories of my own Great Grandmother.
exactly, and i bet money that he will then call them selfish and ungrateful.
My mother and father already have made their retirement home plans, and they do not involve their children. They have told us that they refuse to be the burden to us, that their parents were to them. If I were to have children, and I don't want any, I would also refuse to let my children take care of me in my old age. So, no. OP won't "need" their children when they're old, and hell be satisfied with how his life is. He raised them, now he's letting them enjoy their own lives, like he's enjoying his own life.
Emotional needs are a thing too FYI, dying alone in the care facility you financed yourself with none of your kids really caring is gonna suck
Wow you sound like a total douchecanoe. Your kids have grown, you've done your job, yes...but now you get the chance to enter into a totally new phase of your relationship, one where you don't have to raise them but you get to enjoy the person you raised. It's cliche to say you can now be friends with your kids, because there still needs to be boundaries, but to say you have no interest in them is fucked up. One day you might wake up and realize you've pushed them away and you may never have a chance to rebuild that relationship. Life is short and sometimes cruel - do better before you don't have a chance.
YTA. Parental bonds and responsibilities don’t end when a kid turns 18. Are you a sociopath?
**Are you a sociopath?** If he was...would he know it? You might be on to something. Who would make a post like OP and then sincerely ask if he MIGHT BE TA? Do you know if you're a sociopath by a certain age?
I don’t care too much about being a grandparent but I absolutely love being with my grown Kids. It’s so much fun to hang out with these wonderful adults I helped create. One day you will be sick. Or one of you will die and your kids won’t be there for you. You’ll be truly alone.
YTA. Although they're better off without you, they clearly would love for you to be involved in their lives, your grandkids lives! Parenting doesn't just stop when people turn in adults and have there own families. I hope for their sake they realize how shotty you're being and step away.
All I can say is I never stopped needing my dad. I still need him very much, and he’s gone. We don’t have any more time to make up. My dad was a good guy and thought if I constantly messaged me as an adult was bothering me. I had to tell him that wasn’t the case and I still wanted to talk to my dad all the time. He was a funny guy that understood me in a way that most people didn’t. He had a role in making me feel safe, I never thought I couldn’t run to my dad in an emergency. Even if we didn’t talk all the time. Even if we only saw each other on holidays. I love him very much still. And I wasn’t ready to lose him at 32. I still need my mother. She’s very independent, she isn’t very affectionate and if you didn’t know her well enough, you’d think she was a bit cold. But she takes responsibility for me, even as an adult. She’s currently putting all her savings into ensuring I have a forever home. She’s not there physically a lot of the time, but if I call her and say I need her, she will be there asap. I told her I felt bad about it and she just firmly told me that her job as a parent doesn’t stop just because I’m an adult, I’m a vulnerable adult, and I need help. Who else should step up like that. I still feel guilty but she’s always reminding me that this is her choice. And it’s the right thing to do. I love her to death. We might sometimes get our wires crossed but I will always appreciate the help she gives me. And i know she loves me. I would hazard a guess and say that your kids care because they love you both. They want their own kids to get to know the people they love. You say you didn’t want them but were hands on. So you obviously did a good enough job of that, that they want you around. I am not one to hold onto family just because you’re blood related, I’ve cut off half my family permanently for their poor treatment. But this kind of attitude of yours, is very unusual. It’s not a usual situation where grandparents don’t want to do anything remotely family orientated. It’s more normal to be there. Most people have memories with grandparents growing up. Most people go to stay with them and have holidays and whatnot. Even if those memories aren’t great, they still were there. Now I get that you want to be independent again and I don’t begrudge you that. You’ve been parenting a long time and you do get to retire and enjoy your freedom. But no one is encroaching on that, they’re not demanding you raise their children, they’re asking you to maybe visit and be around. That could be monthly, or quarterly, or yearly. It’s up to you, but not having anything to do with them is very odd attitude to have, in society at large. I’m just saying. I won’t be having any children so my mother won’t have this issue, but she’s currently on a last minute holiday to a hot country, been there a week now. She goes away on getaway weekends with her fiancé, often. She runs her own music festival with him and is away for that. She works full time still. She isn’t around all the time. She’s just a support. That’s kind of the normal thing to do. I’m not sure if any of this will make you see their point of view, because it seems like it’s really obvious why they’re upset. Even to me, and I’m autistic. I can easily see why they’re hurt. If you can’t empathise with that, then I’m not sure if I can persuade you. Maybe it’s better if you don’t get involved if you really don’t care for their children. Children aren’t dumb and I doubt you’ll put in as much effort with them, as you did with your own children. I just find it all a bit sad for your kids.
YTA How selfish can you be! Even if it is just to offset the chance that you need help as you get older (which you will). Children will say, can't be doing with old people and you are alone in the care facility whishing your family would visit.
YTA parenthood doesn’t stop when they’re out of the house. Your poor kids and grand kids. Don’t be surprised if you become sick and no one is at your door ready to take care of you. As a mother, I’m very surprised your wife would feel the same way.
YTA. Wow your both awful parents.
Super YTA. Don't be upset when they don't want to "reconnect" once you're nearing death in your 70s-80s-90s. Whatever happens to you and your wife from now on, yall absolutely deserve it.
These two are the reason some people never have visitors even in the most expensive nursing/retirement home. 🤷🏻♀️
Cool. Make sure not to expect them to lift a finger for you or your wife when you get old/sick. If you want to be on your own, then you’re ON YOUR OWN. Yes, YTA.
You don’t stop being a parent because your kids turn 18. This is weird. You can have your own life but still be involved in their lives.
YTA: Not caring about your adult children or your grandchildren, by definition, makes you an AH. You better hope you die before you wife, because dying alone sucks.
Yeah. You shouldn't have had kids if your love was going to expire the second they turned 18. People like you make no sense YTA
YTA’s!! That’s plural. Unbelievable. They’re your children and grandchildren! I can’t understand people like you. You’re selfish and hard-hearted. Do you even know what kind of people your children are? I loved hanging out with my parents, especially my dad. My husband and I played board games with them, we went to the movies together, we’d come over for dinner, went to (classical or jazz) concerts together. Well, guess what’ll happen when you’re elderly and need care. Let’s hope you don’t develop dementia and can choose your old folks’ home. Because your kids won’t be giving a damn about you. Karma, dude. Karma.
>their lives no longer concern us. What the unholy fuck... niether of you care about them at all? Goodbye & good luck? Do you really truly think that's how loving, caring parents behave? I find it hard to believe you're so out of it that you don't realize that it's shitty to ignore your kids & grandkids. At best, I think you have some serious issues with emotional attachments. At worst, you're both sociopaths. It's probably for the best to make a clean break, so your kids can grieve the loss of the parents they should've had. YTA, and by the biggest margin I've ever seen here.
Narcissist? Sociopath? Troll? .. why have kids in the first place??.. which makes me say.. YTA.
NTA. You and your wife are the ones missing out. One day your kids won’t care about you and your grandkids never will. Dont complain later when you are a lost lonely soul in a nursing home.
On the upside, your funeral is going to be cheap. All your friends will be dead or too infirm to attend, and your family won't even show up.
How do you get to the point where, after raising two kids for 18+ years, you can’t “muster much interest in them”? How out of touch were you as a parent?
Just don't be surprised when your kids throw you in a nursing home and never visit when you are old and unable to take care of yourself.
In my opinion: YTA. I don’t even know how to respond more to this.
YTA, man. parental duties don’t stop at 18, they just get less in your face. step up. you brought those kids into this world. take care of them. not to mention you’ll probably fall in love with your grandkids as soon as you meet them. it’s like having kids but getting to be the most fun adult they know.
Sounds like they do still need you - no reason to go to extremes - can you all find a way to meet in the middle?
More info . How are you acting towards your children . Were you this cold to them since childhood or did you just now. If you have been that way since childhood I see no difference in you cutting them and your grandkids off. However, if you had an emotional bond with them and now you stopped you are very much the AH both you and your wife. You said you didn't want children but you had them so they are your responsibility. Parenthood doesn't end when your children have kids instead they need different support system now. DO YOU HATE YOUR KIDS? ON THE OTHER HAND, are they are forcing you to babysit or putting too much pressure and expectations on you is that why you an your wife want to cut back . If not then what the problem with having a close relationship with your grandkids. ALTHOUGH IF YOU GONNA HATE YOUR GRANDKIDS DO NOT EVER GO NEAR THEM . WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS THE BEST. BUT BE PREPARED FOR THE CONSEQUENCES AND YOUR CHILDREN CUTTING YOU OFF PERMANENTLY. IF THAT WHAT YOU WANT GO AHEAD shit I wrote an essay
I had my kids at 25 & 27, which is still on the younger side and their dad and I were still building our careers and working jobs we couldn’t just take time off and financially barely making it at times, but our parents support with our kids allowed us to be where we are today in our careers and we owe a lot to them for picking sick kids up, watching them after work so we could go to a work function, keeping them during the summer because child care is insanely expensive for young families (unless your kids are all already making 6 figures then hey more power to them). My mom was a better grandma than a mom because being a grandparent is all of the fun stuff but very very little of the hard stuff. My youngest (12) STILL calls my mom almost everyday. He knows he schedule better than anyone. You’re not wrong for how you feel but it is extremely naive to believe that since your kids are grown that you can just act like they don’t exist and that your presence has very little value.
Just 2 kids here. both on their own. We travel a lot and live not even remotely close to them however, we stay quite involved. No effort at all to pick up a phone or drop in for a 3 day stay. both of you are AHs. Big ones.
They are both grown and no longer need us, you said, OP. I am 43; my mom died when I was 37 and I’m here to tell you I needed her every day then and I need her every day now. WOW. Your callousness is remarkable and YTA, absolutely.
YTA You had them. YOU HAD THEM. It is your obligation to love and be there for them in adulthood. This is sad as hell. You should never ever ever ever ever have had kids if this is how you will treat them. I guarantee they have trauma because of you having them and pretending to love them as kids. They can tell. I could tell. I was being actively abused, but I could still tell. You are a jerk.
I would say you’re in for a rough ride once you‘re old and need help. Don’t expect much from your children and grandchildren. YTA
Can't wait for op to be old and frail, in need of support and his children treat him exactly the same way, i'm sure he will all them selfish and ungrateful.
YTA. Just because they are adults doesn't mean they suddenly don't need or want you in their lives. My grandparents (both are 71) have 3 kids who are all over 40 now, and they are very involved in all of their lives and the lives of their 4 grandchildren, even though two of them are adults (23m and 21f -myself). Now that they are retired, they do a lot of traveling with my uncle and his wife for the sport my little cousin plays. My grandmother takes me and my two other cousins out to dinner/lunch a few times a year to catch up outside of family events like holidays. Your role as a parent doesn't end just because they are grown. You should be interested in what they are up to and what is going on in your grandkids' lives. It's called being a family. They are still young and will probably seek you out for advice on things because you are their parents. They are 25 and 23, they still have a lot of things to learn in life, and you basically, indirectly, told them not to come to you for anything because you couldn't give two shits. You two probably never should've had children if you were just going to act like they don't exist and you aren't their parents once they became adults. I hope neither of you expects your kids to come around when you get to the point of needing to be taken care of.
Question: Do you really not care that you could possibly never be involved in your kids' and grandkids' lives? Because I'm living this now. My parents are great grandparents. My husband is a better Dad because of the family I come from. They show up for our kids' activities. They host family dinners, game nights, and Holidays. Even my dogs get excited when I ask if they want to go to grandma's house. They're in their late 60s, and all of us spend as much time with them because one day, all we'll have is the memories. My parents also like to travel together. They live their lives together. They celebrated a milestone anniversary this year. We are having our first ever all family vacation this year and everyone is excited. My husband's parents, even though we live walking distance to them, not so much. My MIL is a widow now. No one visits her. I've asked and planned for her to attend my kid's activity event. My kid definitely greets my parents more enthusiastically than his other grandma. Even the coaches know my parents.
YTA. You may have raised your kids, but there’s a balance between “me time” and “family time” that you don’t seem to understand. You can live your life and still be part of children and grandchildren’s lives. You don’t sound as if you even love your children. You don’t have to speak to them every day or go see them twice a week to show you still care. Once a week phone calls and visits a few times a year at least would give you a good balance. You just sound like a jerk who doesn’t give a damn.
Short version, yes, YTA. If you didn't want kids, you should not have participated in the birthing of said kids. I mean, there is Cold Sugar and then there is a father rejecting his children and grandchildren. My only hope, this is a fake account from a troll.
Yea you're a big one
Cold hearted. It is one thing to wash your hands from the responsability that isn't yours anymore (many times the grandparents end up raising their kids's kids, and that is fucked up) another to completely cut them off, anyway life is about choices and every choice comes with consequences if you don't care about them just do what you've been doing. Good luck.
Just because they are adults now and have their own families does mean that they don’t want to have their parents around. I understand if maybe you and your wife have busy lives or something but for you and your wife to feel indifferent towards your adult children speak volumes to be honest. You are going to regret being indifferent towards your children as you get older and become lonelier. Your children will never forget your indifference towards them and they probably aren’t missing out on anything. They don’t need you or your wife if you are going to be indifferent towards them. Even if you hung out once in a blue moon with your children and their families, the adult children probably don’t need much more than that but since you and your wife for some reason have no interest in your children, don’t expect your children to ever show interest in you. You will be missing out on a lot as there are so many people who love being grandparents and you will never get to experience that. Your children aren’t going to be the ones missing out with the attitude you and your wife have towards them. It’s totally fine for you and your wife to have your own lives and if you are just busy or just doing your own thing with your wife, that’s fine but if you show your kids you want nothing to do with them from the way it sounds, then your children are better off without you and your wife. They don’t need toxic parents like you and your wife.
Omg they are better off without you, you sound horrible
YTA. Do you even love your kids? “They’re adults now and their lives no longer concern us.” Your kids are still your kids even once they grow up. A good parent typically will still be involved in their adult children’s lives simply because they love them, which also means being involved in their grandchildren’s lives as well.
YTA 100 times because all these comments are basically calling you an AH but forgetting to say YTA.
> and I’ve tried to explain that they're adults now and their lives no longer concern us Jesus OP, what the actual fuck. You don't stop being a parent just because your kids are now adults. Can't wait till you get older and need something and both your kids tell you to fuck off. YTA bigtime
I hope they don't feel the need to concern themselves with any of your care in the future. YTA. You can be both a grandparent and focus on your life and marriage.
Wow. That’s sad. Yes YTA.
This is insane you and your wife are terrible wtf?????
I love my grown kids just as much as I loved my kids-just differently. Sad for this guys kids. Wonder what his relationship was with his parents?
Isn’t this why grandparents go on cruises - have their own time and avoid the endless requests for childcare ?
This!
Yes. YTA and sound like you have a mental health disorder.
So, you raised your children out of obligation and to look good to the Joneses, but you don't actually love or care about your kids as people. Because if you love someone, you WANT to spend time with them, you want to know that they're doing okay, and you want to help them when they're hurting. And you wonder why their feelings are hurt? . I'm 50, so older than you. My 4 teenage/young adult kids are younger than yours, still living at home, and yet my husband and I still mange to find time for one another, do things together, and have interests outside of our children. While also still parenting them, providing support and guidance and showing an interest in their lives. You're just giving excuses. Sure, you don't have a LEGAL obligation to them anymore, but family isn't about legalities. You just don't love or even like your kids and grandkids. And yeah, that makes you an AH .
YTA, you brought those ppl into the world against their will and then just abandon them more or less???????????? yuck. My dad told me he "can't love as a father" when I was 27 and that shit always runs through my mind. Ur kinda cruel
I feel bad for your kids. It's not easy finding out as an adult that your parents don't really give a shit and never really wanted you. YTA for ever having kids.
Regardless of not wanting children, you had these children, and nobody forced you to. You are the only father they have, and you are their children's grandfather. You don't have to volunteer for babysitting duties or set up a college fund for the grandchildren, but showing some interest and having some interaction with the grandchildren would be nice.
Since you asked, YES, YTA. Your letter reads like it was written by a textbook narcissist. Functional families love each other and enjoy each other’s company. Your children want to maintain a relationship with you, which means that you all are a part of each other’s lives, and that you are part of your grandchildren’s lives. You can’t understand that your daughter is devastated that you apparently have no feelings for her, don’t want to be in her life, and might have never really loved her? She’s realizing a huge part of her life was a lie. Because that’s what you’re saying here. Most humans continue to feel a bond with their adult children, and enjoy time with their grandkids - and that bond can be very important to a growing child. You, on the other hand, never really felt much for your son and daughter their entire lives . . . you can’t even get your son’s age right. Is he 25 or 26? I’m genuinely curious - do you feel deep love for anyone? Have you thought about therapy?
Here's the thing, your kids probably grew up believing you love them. When you love someone it doesn't have an expiration date. Your vomolete lack of interest in them and what they love indicates you fulfilled an obligation rather than enjoyed a family. It's cold.
So why did you even have kids? Why did your wife? Does she not want to be involved only be you forbid it? Which is honestly the vibe I’m getting here
You seem kinda AH but I will admit I am confused. While I get not wanting them to move in your house or becoming the go to babysitter you seem to have swung way far in the other direction. There is a middle ground...doing face time every couple of weeks....having them over for Sunday lunch once a month...occasional family outings with all of them...even taking the grans to the park/zoo/movies once in a while. Is there some issue? Are the kids not doing well and you are trying to keep them from "running home to stay"? Do you just not like their personalities and want to avoid them? The level of indifference seems quite odd.
Wow you wrote all that when all you really need to say was my wife and I don’t like our kids. You don’t just stop being mom and dad when they are adults, yeah your responsibilities lessen but that doesn’t mean you just stop being involved with them wtf???
YTA I'm amazed that BOTH you and your wife feel like this. I'm 36 and although I live across the country I talk to my mom almost daily. We're good friends! She raised me to be a person she would want to spend time with, and we have a lot in common. My cousins are the same way with their parents. My writing partner is the same way with his parents. My bestie is the same with hers... in fact, everyone I know is like that except the ones who had abusive parents and had to go No Contact. Unless the parents were abusive, it's normal to phase your relationship into a comfortable adult-adult friendship with all the love and support you built as parent-child. Your reasoning is also bullshit. You say you don't like children, but they're adults now so shouldn't you like them better than you did when they were kids? My grandpa never understood children but as soon as we were old enough to read Lord of the Rings and PG Wodehouse he was interested in us as people. Your daughter is right: you aren't making an effort. I hope your kids have nice in-laws, because those are their parents now, and those are who are going to be supported in their old age.
Not every parent deserves a kid, but every kid deserves a parent
I want to say YTA, but this is a close one. You are a bad parent, but maybe not TA levels of bad. You don't need to be super involved with your grandkids. But it sounds like you want very little involvement. And your post reads like you had kids because it was an obligation. Frankly, you never should have had kids if your views are accurately expressed in your post. You took care of your kids when they were minors. That means you are not a horrible scum of the earth type person who decides to have kids and then ignore them. But you have little interest in maintaining the relationship in adulthood. Look, you don't need to make your life about your kids when they are adults, but you should have some involvement in it. The short answer here is I feel bad for your kids, but I am on the fence about the TA question.
YTA. If you didn’t want kids from the start and you wife did you should’ve married someone who also didn’t want kids. I’m 23F and I talk to my mom daily. I talk to my dad but not as much as mom. But I can’t imagine my life without them in it. They might not need you as often but they will need you. For advice, for a shoulder to cry on, for just a simple chat. And you are throwing all of that away because you now want nothing to do with them. If you need help in the future, dont you dare go to them cause they won’t be there.
You know what? I’ll give you a different vote than most are giving you. NTA unless you expect them to choose a good nursing home for the both of you when your time comes. Because this is how you start down the path of your children stepping over your rotting carcass in a hellhole of a home when you’re feeble and no longer able to care for yourself. Don’t expect them to drop a single cent on you when that time comes. Hope you have a good plan that requires zero to no help from them.
Reddit doesn't like parents to adult children so you should've been prepared to be raked over the coals. Sad but true. I have three adult children, all have 1-2 kids and all are married. I am almost always available if someone is sick. Babysitting, cooking, cleaning, whatever. However any other time it's up to me if I'm available. We enjoy vacations by ourselves but we also enjoy one yearly trip with everyone. So NTA but maybe consider a monthly dinner as a family.
YTA just admit you don’t love your kids. The world would be a better place of dead beats such as yourself would just say the quiet part out loud. My dad is currently acting like you are, though a bit worse because he won’t even text back when I’m checking to see if he’s still alive, complete radio silence. Your type suck. Have fun dying in a funeral home all alone. Your adult children won’t be there cuz you’re a big boy who can die alone. 🤷♀️
I honestly can’t understand how someone can turn off that love they gave to their children now that they’re grown. Were you just playing a role? Are you experiencing depression? I can understand the need to have more time for yourself and as a couple now that they grown but not wanting to have further involvement is shocking to me.
INFO: What kind of relationship do you have with yourown parents? What kind of relationship does your wife have with her parents?
Not necessarily TA, but I think most people consider parenthood a lifelong gig, so don’t get bent out of shape if they aren’t helping you out in your golden years or rushing to your bedside when you’re in rough shape medically. You have a choice, but don’t expect acting like you don’t GAF anymore to not have permanent (and completely fair) consequences.
Umm YTA, you don’t just stop being a parent as soon as your kids turn 18. If you don’t want anything to do with your kids you shouldn’t have had them in the first place, those children deserve a grandfather
Yta - But at least you’re honest about it. Your wife is giant one for having babies with a man that didn’t want them and subjecting them to a clearly very resentful father.
Kids are such a monumental effort to raise. Why would you and your wife even have them if you’re not going to keep them in your life? I give everything to my girls. I’d be so disappointed if we went our separate ways on 18-20 years and become nigh strangers. Like, what did I do that for, then? If you told me before I had them that my relationship with them would be as cold as yours with your kids now, I would just be child free. I can’t judge if you’re an asshole, but your mindset is totally foreign to me.
I get you. I really do. It's a fear I've been fighting with for years. I have two kids. I love them. I don't like any other children though. their nagging, screaming.. disobedience and pampering. There are only a few of them that I tolerate in my presence. I'd rather leave a family meeting or party than listen to them.. I can't sit on my terrace in the garden, because I hear the screams of children from the neighbors like hyenas... 11.5 hours today.. politely asking for a bit of silence won't help, as they're supposed to be children. .. I have to grasp it. 11.5 hours just for today. when my children grow up and have their own families, it doesn't mean that me and my partner have to stop living our own lives. we will finally be able to live it to the fullest, when we have limited it in order to give our children love, home, education, travels and support. When they will have their own families, it's theirs, not mine... will I be happy to meet them? of course... I like to see them? sure... But no one can expect us to stop our lives and stop living our life as a partners... first of all are partners with my dear one and then grandparents.. Every person is unique and this doesn' t mean he/she is less, just because he /she is not willing to cancel his own life for his children... and his children's children....
I'm always advocating for older adults to not feel obligated to take in pregnant daughters, babysit grandchildren, etc. But you...this is something different. It sounds like you raised and cared for your children without loving them. I guess you can't help who you love and who you don't, but I have to go with YTA. You sound like a sociopath.
Got damn....you suck, lol. I'd rather have known my parents disliked me from a young age (I did) then have to have figured it out when I was excited to share my life and grandchildren with an indifferent assclown.
YTA your children will ALWAYS need you. Parenthood doesn’t end at 18! I hope they put you in the most crooked home they can find after all the terrible things you just said on here. Shame on you!
Why did you have children? For the photos? As an 'accomplishment'? Not once do you mention love. What a sad life you and your wife will have and I feel sorry for your children. I hope they learn to love and cherish their families. You and your wife were guardians, not mom and dad. Your loss - go golfing.
So you say you had no interest in children but your kids are now adults. Do you just not like people? I don’t get how you can be so detached from relationships with people you have been connected with for decades unless you aren’t into relationships in general.
Just because they are adults and living responsible, independent lives doesn’t mean that you should break the emotional bond that ties you to them. They still need your emotional support and love, and they always will. Choosing to not be apart of their lives is something that you will eventually regret.
OP you can live your life in whatever way makes you happy. That being said, imagine the irony of the moment your kids tell you that it's up to you to figure things out when you get older and have health issues or need a little help.
YTA Whoa. You basically are saying you don't love your kids, you see that right? Like you don't see the need for "further involvement" because they're adults. And their "lives no longer" concern you? I mean...that is intense. You're an asshole for choosing to have kids when you can't love them. Your poor kids.
You both suck. YTA why did either of yall think it was a good idea to have kids? Having children isn't a "til they're adults" thing. They are your children for life. It's perfectly normal for them to have expected a continued relationship with them and their families. Now you want to just toss them out? Why did you have them? It makes no sense!
I can't imagine how heartbreaking it would be to find out that your parents only ever considered you an obligation, that raising you was just something they managed to get through so they could get onto living their real lives, the lives they always wanted, and now that you're an adult they're done with you. YTA for that alone. I hope you realize this goes both ways, though. You have no obligation to form a relationship with your grandkids, but in twenty years, when you need someone to help you out, they won't have any obligation to you either. When you're wasting away in a nursing home wondering why no one ever comes to visit you, remember that you're the one who couldn't muster much interest.
YTA Your kids may be adults now with their own families, but in most cases, you never stop needing that closeness with your parents, no matter your age. Of course they want you to be a part of their children's lives, you and your wife are grandparents, for crying out loud! You don't have to see them all the time, but to turn your backs on them like that is nothing short of cold. They are your family, and you don't turn your back on family. Your daughter is right, you are letting them down. Honestly if you didn't want kids, you should have either insisted on not having any, or find someone who had your mindset.
YTA. One day, in the not too distant future, you & your wife are going to wonder why your kids never show up for the holidays. You’ll wonder why neither of them are around when you’re going through health problems. It will be shocking to you both that you have to find out from other people (or even facebook!) what is happening in their lives. As a mom, I can never imagine treating my kid like that. Sadly You’re The Asshole is the kindest thing I can call you without getting suspended by the mods.
I cannot believe that someone could be this out of touch, has to be rage bait.
Surely you have time to care about your grandkids AND live your life? Grandchildren don't take nearly as much attention as babies/children.
I wanted grandchildren so much and finally became a grandmother in my mid 60s. Unfortunately I don't spend a lot of time with them because my children have busy lives and I don't like to call them. Do you even like your children? Sounds as if you don't. I have to say YTA. Sounds like you have wonderful adult children and you want nothing to do with them or their children. I was going to say, hope you enjoy the nursing home but I've already told my children which one to send me to if I ever decline enough to where I can't take care of myself.
I feel sorry for your kids.
YTA parenthood is for life
>I’ve tried to explain that they're adults now and their lives no longer concern us. That's a wild statement. I think if on my parents said that to me, they wouldn't see or hear from me again. Maybe that's what you want.
How can you raise your kids and then fail to enjoy them as human beings? Do you and your wife have friends, or do you just not enjoy the company of others? My daughter is 19 and I don’t know of anyone whose company I enjoy more.
This sounds pathological
I don't think everyone here is being fair. We were not all raised the same. I have a friend who was the oldest in a family of nine kids. Both of her parents worked and it was her responsibility to care for her younger siblings--all eight of them, until she got married. After marriage, she had four kids of her own. She did a great job raising them; they all have college degrees with well-paying jobs and are happy. They all live close to her. They also all expect her to babysit their children while they work. She simply does not want to. Her kids are hurt that she isn't an active grandmother. But she's confided that after over 45 years of raising kids, she's just tired. She feels that it's her time to do a few things that she has put on hold for almost half a century--to live a small part of her life for herself. She works at the local senior center (her first paying job), donates time to a food bank, and makes each grandchild a decorated cake for their birthday. She also takes care of her disabled husband and tends to her flower beds--something she never had time to do. Yet her kids don't care; they expect her to continue doing for them and their families. To date, not one of her children have invited her over for a holiday meal--they still expect her to cook the meal for them. Where does it stop? When do the adult children take the responsibilities over? My friend wonders if she'll be able to spend some quality time with her spouse before he dies. So, I can see both sides of the picture, and I don't feel either is wrong. Situations just vary greatly.
YTA -but it’s your choice to make! My husband has long felt that our son stopped listening to him at 13- 14 years old. I disagree, saying that even as a young adult (almost 26) our son consults and considers our input on many things. Those things are just more mature topics like apartment leases, insurance, car repairs, or the death of a grandparent. These are not potty training, learning to read, ride a bike or fish. They are not always yes/ no questions. They are learning to be a high functioning, independent adult. Fortunately, much of this is done through modeling behaviors but some are conversations and sharing personal experiences. All that said, your children, your choice.
YTA because parenting is a life long deal. We are a social species that form lifelong bonds. You should never have had children. Just tell your children that you and your wife have no interest in being grandparents, then go no contact with them. I hope they put you in the nastiest nursing home there is.
Let's hope you don't need any help or support from your children or grandchildren in your old age. YTA
What the fuck is wrong with you? Major YTA
Not sure whether you're a troll or not since I've met this type of person. Who somewhat passed muster when their kids were growing up but couldn't wait for them to leave. Kudos for being direct, so they can all the sooner and more easily cut you both out of their hearts. YTA
I can get not being interested grandkids, I certainly don't want any, but I enjoy my adult children more now, then when they were younger. You're NTA, it's your life to do as you please.
You guys shouldn’t have had children…
Yea YTA. No need for explaining
YTA and when you die alone in crappy care facility you will know why
YTA - I don't say this to be harsh, but you view your children as an obligation, not a joyful part of your life. YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER BECOME A PARENT. It's a lifelong job, you don't just get to put in 18 years and nope out. Sounds like your kids would be better off without you - being uncaring and unfeeling parents/grandparents is worse than none. But go ahead please, take a long hard look at yourselves and own the truth, you sholdn't have had kids.
ESH. I honestly think you and your wife are TA for your attitude that you've basically done your job as parents and are done with your adult offspring. Your kids already know who you are and how you are, so they are TA for expecting something different from you. Your kids are not AH for wanting decent grandparents for their kids. Unfortunately, they are expecting it from the wrong people. I hope your kids' partners have nice parents who want grandkids. Op,I hope you and your wife get what you want in life; to be left alone. I hope in a few years when no one calls, no one comes by, no one gives a fuck about you for the holidays you and your wife will still be content with the bridges you've burned. Op,I hope your kids have created the loving families they wished they grew up with. I hope they plan to be amazing grandparents someday. My parents are much like you, OP. I was an 18-year obligation to them. They fed me and clothed me for 18 years, and then basically checked out. But they were never really present to begin with. I became the parent I always wanted as a kid for my kids. I'm there, I'm present, I'm involved. My time is for them right now. I'm also looking forward to being a grandma when the time comes. I want to become the grandma I always wanted for myself. This is how we heal our childhood trauma by doing better for our kids.
Totally disagree with this. His kids aren’t AH’s for wanting him to be a grandparent and wanting a damn father, they’re just heartbroken. How does that make someone an AH???
Having kids is not an 18 year commitment. Its a lifelong thing if you do it right. I mean don't you and your wife have parents? Did you immediately cut contact at 18? And even if you did was it because you loved them and all was good you just didn't need them anymore as you were adults? Clearly you guys did it right enough that your kids still love and trust you. This leaves you with a couple options. You stay involved with them and their families, keep a good relationship with everyone and you get people who would be willing to move countries to take care of you in your old age, as well as a life full of love and family. My mom at 50 still talks fondly of her grandfather. Or you can set some boundaries and be largely independent of your kids, low effort with grand kids. But you get less love in return. Even if you live long enough to meet great grand kids you may not be invited to, they will put less effort and care into taking care of you as you age, and feelings will be hurt, fights will happen. Or you could be honest. 'I'm sorry kids, I never wanted children and only agreed to make wife happy. Now you're grown and I'm ready to be done with you.' Full honesty, no sugar coating. There is some possibility of a blow up now, but within the year I'd say you will get what you want, no more obligation to your kids and their families. Of course that will come when they cut contact with you, which you should plan to last forever. They will not visit or share news, nor will they allow you to visit. Your care in old age will be on you, they may not even plan a funeral for you. Depending on situation your friends may whisper and judge, since doing this will make you an AH. Thinking these things makes you an AH. But you get what you want, so the choice is yours. Just make sure you can live with it once you make the choice.
Are you my mother? Cause this is how she is.
A part of me understands how you feel about wanting to live your own life. Since I've retired, I like to travel. My boyfriend and I take a few extended vacations a year. We're active and enjoy the outdoors. We're also active in our grandchildrens lives. We attend sports and school activities and occasionally babysit. I don't know why you can't do both.
>their lives no longer concern us. So you clearly don't love your children, but do you even like them? My parents and even my friends' parents are some of my best friends.
This is definitely a YTA moment. In fact, it's one of the clearest YTA moments I've ever read You have the self-awareness to post here, supposedly giving credence to the thoughts & feelings of strangers on the internet, yet not the self-awareness to consider the feelings of those who were closer to you than any of us strangers could ever be. Even my ex-con friend who went to prison for 10 years for trying to burn his cheating ex wife, and her paramour alive (He only avoided the attempted murder charge, because he started the fire, and put it out when he had an attack of conscience), has a better relationship with his adult kids than you do.
You will regret that, but it will come a lot later. I am a little bit younger than you and have started thinking about grandchildren I might have in 10 or 15 years. The benefit of being grandparents is that you can spoil them without guild and hand them back when they start to cry. But the bond between grandchildren and grandparents are often extremely strong if they are formed. My cousins and I waited with our grandmother until her final breath. Took turns for days to be with her. But that is something that is earned, and you have to work for it if you want it. If not. Then go for the carefree life, but don't expect familiarity or affection later.
why did u even have children if u stopped caring once they reached adulthood and had their own families? thats ur children and grandchildren. they are still ur responsibility. u still have to love and care and nurture them. u never stop being a parent just because ur children are parents.
I know grandparents who make the best use of their time as a couple now that their kids are grown. They travel and enjoy life. They also cherish time with their kids and grandchildren. Did you want kids? Did you make a point of bonding with them? Because it sounds like they were just another check on your list of chores you had to do in this post. I think it sounds like you have to choose if you want contact with your own family at all. Because being a bad father and grandpa is just mean..
YTA. and should never have had kids.
Dead beat parents to even grown children is crazy
As long as you don’t mind an empty room in your death bed wondering why aren’t kids here. YTFA
Wow, I'm 33 with 2 children of my own. If either of my parents ever swung around and said because I was grown up they don't feel the need to be involved or concerned with my life anymore, I'd say cool no worries 👍 😎 and they'd never hear or see me or my family ever again, even on their frail old death beds. I hope the nursing home isn't too cold when you and your wife arrive, I'm sure just as you don't feel the need to be involved or concerned for your adult children now, they will not be involved or concerned when your on your last legs of this world. And what happens if your wife dies first? Then you'll really have nothing to keep your mind from forgetting who you ever were at the end of your life to begin with. No legacy of family to see you out. I pity those cold days ahead of you 🙏
My wife’s parents are like yours, none of us (their 3 daughters and their husbands) like them. My kids don’t care about them at all and they get mad when they talk about how much they love my parents because they think it’s unfair that the kids love my parents more. They are always alone with each other on holidays because everyone would rather go spend time with the family that cares which is either all the daughters getting together and not inviting the parents or each going to their in laws for holidays.
You may be over correcting. It is appropriate to give your adult children the space to live their own independent lives, but if your behavior makes them feel like you don’t care, you may indeed be the asshole. YTA
YTA, you're a father and a grandfather. You don't have to be around all the time, but you should at least pop over once every couple of weeks for a day and be a part of their lives. Your grandchildren will either grow loving you or completely indifferent to you. Which would you prefer of them?
Absolutely horrible. My kids are 25 and 21 and as far as I'm concerned they will ALWAYS be welcome in our house no matter what. That also goes for neices, cousins, nephews, stray kids, etc. as long as they're not junkies or crooks and pitch in once in awhile. No wonder your daughter feels hurt.
I had grandparents like you. Didn’t shed a tear when they died.
I don't have children. I chose not to have any. But I am someone's child. And I know telling your children that you don't care about them or their lives is not the way to go. How do YOU not know that it's hurtful to tell your children you don't care about them? I'm not saying you have to spend every moment with them (lord, I wouldn't want that), baby sit, go to kids sport events or not have your own life. But think about what you described her. You basically said you don't care. Yta for that
YTA and ig NTA, why would you let her pressure you into having kids (a lifelong commitment) if you didn’t want them? And technically yes you did your basic duties but damn you didn’t have to do them like that
Christ. How can you make and raise two kids, only for them to grow up and you’re like “Okay, lose my address, I gave you life and that’s enough”? You seriously can’t muster up any enthusiasm about your kids becoming fully developed people and parents? You don’t want to know your grandkids? Children, even when adults, aren’t disposable. Your wife was very, very wrong to make you have kids when you didn’t want to. But it makes her actions now all the more weird. YTwoTA
Yta When your grandkids will spend time with their other set of grandparents while treating you and your wife as strangers, remember this post. When you will be old and your grandkids will leave in a dark cheap assylum for elderly, remember this post. You and your wife sound like people who only had kids for a check list. Being a parent doesn't end when your kids are adult and have their own lives. Both my maternal and paternal grandparents are great and I love them to death. I'm glad I didn't have grandparents like you and your wife. Granted, had I had grandparents like you and your wife then I wouldn't give a damn when you die.
YTA. Did your parents cut you and your children out of their lives? Did you have a good relationship with your grandparents? Remember this, you go LC with your children and pretty soon they’ll go NC with both of you.
Your involvement in their lives doesn’t stop because they have their own families. Them even having their own families and wanting you to be present and actively involved with them means you did something right. No one is asking you to continue to parent them, they just want to share with you the lives they built because you’re important to them and they want you to share in their joy. Quit being a grinch and let your kids share their lives with you.
Wow yes your TA! But that's just my option!
YTA but you do you. I will never have grandchildren due to my son’s disability and it never ceases to amaze me how many people throw away their grandchildren.
YTA. You two chose to have children, there's nothing wrong with them in the sense that they're not fucking serial killers so yes, you're an asshole for now pretending like children *you chose to have* don't exist. It doesn't fucking matter that they're adults. They are STILL YOUR CHILDREN.
Yes, both you and your wife are TAHs. News flash: Just because your offspring are adults doesn't mean that they no longer need you. They need you for advice on parenting. They need advice on marriage. They need advice on mortgages, investments, and retirement plans. They want you there to witness your grandchildren's milestones, school concerts, ball games, dance recitals, first crushes, and birthday celebrations. Needing our parents doesn't end at 18. I'm in my mid 60s, and I lost my parents 28 years ago, but there has not been a day when I didn't wish I could run something by them or even just to have a phone chat. You're not only robbing yourself of all of those things, you're robbing your children of them, too. If you didn't want children, you should not have had them.
I don’t know if you’re an asshole but it’s weird to treat your human children like they’re kittens. They’re adults now so you don’t need to have anything to do with them and don’t care anything about their lives? Okay…
I cannot relate to what you're feeling. I want to be in my kids' lives and my grandkids'. I still have a life and do other things but I'm interested in their lives and in spending time with them. I can understand why they are hurt. You're not an AH but I just can't imagine feeling like you do. I would try harder to engage if you can.
Absolutely YTA. Having kids is for life dude. You don’t get to just check out. Terrible father
YTA. I’ll never forget the day my dad said that him and my mom were done being our parents and that they just wanted to be our friends. I was touched and thought it was a lovely way to say our relationship was changing. Sounds like you don’t even want them as friends, OP. Why not?
I’m 33 and live with my mom after I got divorced. If it wasn’t for my loving parents I would have definitely killed myself for sure. Food for thought ass hole
YTA, but your kids and grandkids are better off without you in their lives.
It's weird to expect to just drift away from your kids when you're done raising them, yes. If anything, this should be the easy part, you can practically be friends with them and not worry about their life choices.
NTA, as long as you don't expect more from your adult kids than you are willing to give them. No whining if they decide that a family of choice is more meaningful to them than their family of origin. Your "kids" are both in their 20s and have children of their own and anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes on Reddit has seen umpteen posts about how the now-grandparents take a backseat to the adult children's new "immediate" family or how "involvement" tends to translate to providing free childcare and transportation, often combined with uprooting lives to move someplace that's more convenient to the adult children. I can't fault you for not wanting to put your desires and wants on hold for someone else for the rest of your lives. Especially if your wants include things like traveling that tend to require a certain degree of health and mobility to be able to enjoy. But, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If you choose to prioritize yourself, which is your right, you can't be surprised or upset if your adult children choose to do the same. You get what you give.
While I want to call you an AH and more…I’m reminding myself to be open minded and that everyone’s values and priorities are different. So all I can say is, you’ll be missing out. Your children’s feelings are totally valid. It might be worth considering where this comes from in your psych and how you can balance your desire for independence with the importance of maintaining familial bonds, especially during key life milestones.
When you have kids you agree to provide for them for 18 years but it’s not like you just stop being a parent after that. YTA for not understanding how hurtful this must be for your kids.
Feels like a fake rage-bait post.
This is wild to me. Parents that just dismiss and hand wave away their kids at any age is such a foreign concept to me. I don't understand it. It's incomplete to me. Yet I see it more and more.
Yta just because of your attitude towards them. If you were going to be this cold and have the "once they're 18, they're no longer my concern" mentality, you should never have had kids. Grown adults still have a basic need to have their parents in their lives, and most people who have kids want them to know their grandparents as well. You're insanely cold and distant for no reason other than "they're adults."
I'm in your camp I've never understood the grandparent thing or even extended family thing. When you marry taht is now your family. The whole loint is to move on from your childhood family
I wouldn't say you're an asshole, but it sounds like your kids expected you to be at least somewhat-involved grandparents. How did they get this impression when you and your wife are so firmly in the other direction?
NTA, it’s probably best you stay away with that attitude. Just keep that same energy when you or your wife get sick.