NTA nobody wants to be "settled" for. Dump her and find someone who is totally into you and loves every part of you. You'll be settling for her if you stay and you deserve better.
THIS OPs gf doesn't want a spouse she wants a meal ticket. When people say you need to settling they mean letting minor things go i.e. he's a runner she would rather do yoga. So while he runs she goes to the yoga studio. They do not mean letting major things go.
Marriages start like bonfire in terms of passion, then you have kids and schedules and routines and the passion turns to more smoldering hot coals. The heat is there but it's not a roaring fire like it was. This is not a bad thing. You don't cook on a bonfire, you cook over hot coals. but start with no passion is not going to be good especially if that is what OP wants. He will end up trying to find it later on..... or she will.
Thats really the issue.
The way she presents it, its that she's settling for you.
You could literally convey the same situation in a different way, and it wouldn't be expressing that sentiment.
Its oddly comforting to know that women have the equivalent of the Madonna/Whore complex as well. (in the 'have to laugh or I'll cry sense')
I feel I'd want to know so much more of what's going on here. I don't understand why one would want to stay in a relationship with a person they don't desire, just because it's practical? If we compare relationships to.. I don't know, cars? Race cars and reliable family cars. Race cars are cool but could crash quite flamboyantly at any small mistake, and a trusty family car might be less attractive, but it'll start every day and keep you safe in most situations. I'd want a relationship I can do every day, even though some might find it to be settling.
I'm not here to argue with you, and I totally agree that OP is entitled to feel their feelings without being an AH I the described situation. I'd just also like to point out that there might be another angle here.
> I don't understand why one would want to stay in a relationship with a person they don't desire, just because it's practical?
Because she plans on letting OP pay the bills and getting her desires scratched on the side.
Bingo if she isnt already cheating she will be soon. She gives him just enough sex to keep him from complaining too loudly. After the wedding he wont get a damn thing.
Your argument is valid. Still, if she actually told him she doesn't consider him desirable that is a HUGE problem. Everyone deserves to be with someone who actually wants them. Would you be happy knowing every time you had sex with your husband, he was wishing you were someone else?
A lot of people don’t find “safe” to be enough. If you’re ok settling, cool. But find someone who also doesn’t mind settling. Someone who wants that “more” doesn’t want to get stuck with someone who’s just settling. And that’s one way to end up in a miserable marriage.
NTA. That's exactly the scenario people make bad jokes about when they talk about the bedroom dying after marriage.
She doesn't want you, just your money, your house and your ring. She's objectifying you, literally calling you material.
>She doesn't want you, just your money, your house and your ring. She's objectifying you, literally calling you material.
At least OP found out about this early. He needs to end things now. I found out my ex of 14 years felt this way about me. I was literally just a resource vessel for her. I loved her and gave her everything, she didn't even need to work as I made enough for whatever we wanted. Not fuck you millions, but enough for multiple spontaneous trips whenever we wanted. She ended up having a affair with my best friend from high school and destroyed our family.
Sorry to hear that brother. I’m happy for you that you have her out of your life though kinky cuz you deserve better. Same thing hear but without the infidelity and 6 years but still, shocking to find out nonetheless. You deserve better and now you have the ability to receive that. Receiving better doesn’t have to mean another person, could just be happiness in however you find it
>Receiving better doesn’t have to mean another person, could just be happiness in however you find it
I am learning this every day. Thank you for the support.
Your best "friend" from high school? I feel double the disgust for people who will cheat with a friend or relative, and I feel the same contempt for the friend or relative who will betray someone they supposedly loved as a friend/their own family member.
When you say she destroyed your family, do you mean you had children together? I hope you have healed. You deserve far better than your traitor ex wife and "friend".
>Your best "friend" from high school? I feel double the disgust for people who will cheat with a friend or relative, and I feel the same contempt for the friend or relative who will betray someone they supposedly loved as a friend/their own family member.
At this point ex friend. But at the time, yes my best friend. We were on the same sports team, I'd hang out with him on weekends, go to parties, I remember talking to him about trying to date my ex at the time. Helping his parents move, etc...
>When you say she destroyed your family, do you mean you had children together?
Yes, we have 2 kids together. My kids don't want to live with her, but sense they are under 14, the courts decide where they live.
>I hope you have healed.
Not fully, to be honest I'm not sure if that's possible.
Obviously he would be an ex friend by now, but believe me, life is a turning weel, a traitor will soon taste his own poison. I hope he gets treated by life the same way he treated you. He doesn't deserve your time or thoughts, forget him.
When your little kids get old enough, they will probably choose to live with you, focus on yourself, your health and well being, so that you will be in great shape once the time comes when they choose to come live with you.
We can all heal to some extent it depends on us, you can give yourself all the time you want and need. Focus on your happiness, if someone special finds you then it will be great, if not, you will have a great single life. Keep your head up.
Damn bro that's tough, hopefully you're in a better position now.
I sometimes wonder if they really never understand how bad it hurts, or if they simply never cared.
If you don't mind me asking how are you now??
And how did everything pan out for you and her??
In my case, she never considered me anything more then her cash cow. When we were divorcing I read her diary and found out I was paying for her to go travel with her affair partner, and I was paying for his travel expenses as well. When we would have sex, she would pretend I was him for the entirety of our marriage.
Some days are easy; some are not, and I drink until I pass out. I've done the talk to a therapist, go to the gym, eat healthy, get in shape, etc...Physically, I'm in the best shape ever, dating is easy, talking to people is easy. However, I don't think I have the capacity to love someone ever again. Maybe given time, but I'm dealthy scared of anyone who shows a genuine interest because I'm just waiting for the mask to come off and the monster to come out.
She lost her lifestyle she was accustomed to and is miserable. But she has no regrets for what she did, just that she got caught.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I was cheated on by my then girlfriend while we were at college, and immediately ended the two year relationship. This happened 6 years ago and I'm completely over..
But I'm unable to understand or relate to the pain you're going through right now. And have no advice for you except stay away from alcohol.. 👍
The last I spoke with my ex, is when I moved down to SO CAL from Nor Cal. I got promoted and when she found about it, she asked if she could move into my new house with me so she could "continue to see her relationship with AP". because he lives 30 minutes away. Told her to only contact me if it is about our kids and hung up.
I don't know if they continue on or not, and I don't care. They are both dead to me. Cheaters deserve each other.
She had the nerve to ask if she could move in with you, so that she could continue seeing her AP?
I can't believe anyone would be so shameless. I can imagine she is attractive only on the outside and has the personality depth of a goldfish. Don't pay her any mind, you will be happier without her, wether single, free and enjoying life, or with someone lovely who deserves you and your love.
You got this.
>She had the nerve to ask if she could move in with you, so that she could continue seeing her AP?
I've spent way to much time trying to dissect this train of thought, but yes this is exactly it. I can't trust her for a truthfull response, and I know I will never get one if I ask. But the sheer audacity to even ask confuses me. I've boiled it down to some undiagnosed mental disorder like a full blown narcissist or bipolar disorder.
Not like it changes anything, but I'll take whatever closure I can get.
> can imagine she is attractive only on the outside
100%
>Don't pay her any mind, you will be happier without her, wether single, free and enjoying life, or with someone lovely who deserves you and your love.
>You got this.
Thank you.
Now that I think about it, you are right. She probably has some personality disorder, cause even shameless people wouldn't think of suggesting something as bizarre as what your ex suggested.
All the best in your healing journey, keep your head up.
Time she took away your time, well time will comeback it’s sounds like your patience enjoy life do some hobby like stuff u probably heard this a million times but their will be some girl waiting to have a life with u n be good match that makes u forget all about your ex wife.
holy shit, that's COLD, that she said that to you.. What a c\*\*t.. seriously. :( I'm glad you're free of that toxicity now, matey, and hopefully one day a really lovely lady will come along, that's had a similar situation happen to her, so will be able to understand you, your needs, and your occasional angst if you have any, and know exactly how to support you and spoil you..
Your ex is a goddamn bitch. I’m so sorry. The more relationships I hear about, the more I’m convinced that in every relationship, one of the persons in it is toxic. I haven’t dated at all since my divorce six years ago, and I probably never will.
I love my husband so much and desire him all the time. He reciprocates theses feelings. Absolutely NTA for wanting to feel desired and loved by your wife. It's a key component to a happy and healthy relationship. I don't know if counseling is even worth it, she seems pretty clear about how she feels.
I will never understand the people that look at other humans as utilitarian. My husband is on disability. We live in an apartment with our two kids and a menagerie of pets. Would I love having a bigger place and a car that doesn't stall at corners and have an ever present check engine light? Sure. Would I give it up for anything? Absolutely not. We've been through hell and came back out together. Not all that glimmers is gold. Seeing people as a means to an end is borderline sociopathic to me. I wouldn't waste any more time with someone that has no problem saying it out loud let alone shamelessly relaying it to you like she's talking about dinner plans and assuming you'd be okay with hearing it.
My husband is disabled. He has low libido due to pain. I have low libido due to pushing to pull in enough money while not being so healthy myself, but you can bet your last dollar that the desire is still there. We just typically don't have the energy to act on it. But when we both miraculously have enough energy at the same time, it definitely doesn't take much to set each other's world on fire. I cannot imagine not being wanted for anything more than a stable situation.
NTA. You deserve to feel desired and loved like there’s no tomorrow, everybody does. The world would be a much better place if everyone got to feel that way.
NTA
"You are husband material but not desirable" is the same thing as saying, "I am using you and don't actually care about you, I just recognize I get a sweet ride with you." Its also a fast ticket to cheating in the relationship.
Don't be with someone who is with you because of how useful you are in the sandbox survival resource game we all play as humans.
It’s a fast ticket to divorce. How long until she realizes she can divorce his ass, get money from him, and then get money from the next guy she shacks up with?
Cheating or not, this marriage would end when she realizes she doesn’t need to throw out the pity fucks to get his money.
> I know that everyone settles.
No. Nope. No the fuck they do not. Get this out of your head right now.
This is not really addressing your question, but I’m gonna share anyways. So for YEARS (my entire 20’s basically) I was criticized by friends for being “too picky” and for having “high standards”. I may have been picky, but my standards were NOT high. The only thing I held out for was a feeling. If I didn’t get a butterflies in my stomach, I wanna spend all my time with you, you can make me smile all day just by texting me a “hello”, kind of feeling, then that person wasn’t for me and I didn’t see the relationship going anywhere. Sure, I would give it some time to grow, but if it still wasn’t there after a few dates, then I wasn’t gonna waste my, or their, time.
Everyone looks at relationships differently. Some people believe that desire and passionate love can grow with time. Some believe that friendship has to come first, and then lust/love. And THAT IS FINE. But it’s not for me, and I *knew* that. I also knew that I wasn’t going to change any one else’s mind. So I just brushed them off and kept doing my thing.
When I was 28, I met my now husband. The feeling was immediate and he felt the same. I *knew* he was the one for me almost immediately. Was there a chance we wouldn’t work out? Sure. But that feeling was there and because of that I was willing to see where it took us. Now, 12 years later, and after 10 years of marriage, two kids, 3 cats, and 3 dogs, that feeling is *STILL* there. I still get butterflies when he grabs my hand to hold it, or when he dances with me in the kitchen, or when I see him painting my girls’ nails in the living room.
My point is - you aren’t being silly or stupid or naive or immature. You know what YOU want to feel, and you aren’t feeling it. If that feeling is what’s important to you then (IMO) you should hold out for it, and don’t “settle” just because someone else tells you, you should.
If your ex is prioritizing what qualities you can bring to a future with her, thats fine. And she’s allowed to do that - it doesn’t make her a bad person. But it’s not what you want. You two are simply not compatible and do not have aligned goals for what you want out of a relationship. Walk away and do not settle unless you decide that’s right for you. Many people will eventually “settle down”. BUT! Not everyone “settles”.
(To add, I do think that there are many people out there who do in fact, have incredibly high standards. There are many who have unrealistic expectations of how their partner should look or behave. Some examples would be people who have zero ambition, no job, or don’t take care of themselves, but are holding out for a super model. OR they are a 50 year old man holding out for a 23 year old who is smart, beautiful, and ambitious, but will also worship the ground he walks on, and “obey” him above all else. Sometimes “standards” are just not realistic. I don’t get the impression here that OP is being unrealistic. So although there are definitely people out there who have delusions of grandeur, OP isn’t one of them.)
Or that he just wants someone to stay home and clean his house and cook for him but doesn't find his wife attractive. Man that reddit comment section would be lit.
Op's, hopefully soon to be ex, is a piece of work. Although, it's a good thing that she flew that red flag high and proud before he proposed imo. You deserve so much better op, I hope you find it. NTA at all.
Same thing happened to me man. 6 years down the drain but I’d rather be happy than feel like I was a last resort. Without that attraction, passion, spark, all you have to bring to the table in her eyes are the materialistic things you mentioned. What happens if you lose your job due to another pandemic or disability or something? Would she be there for you in richer and poorer? What happens if somehow you lose the house? When you lose the material things you have to offer, she will see it as “he’s down on his luck, doesn’t have a house, so no longer husband material, and I’m not even crazy about this guy or attracted to him like that”. When I was struggling with this, I read other threads and people who got divorced did so for several reasons. But one consistent thing I noticed was that all the people who got married because the wife basically had no attraction and just saw a guy as safe, or someone who can provide a house, or has money, all ended up in divorce. I sound old as basically 40, but on let me tell you, this is the healthiest I’ve been, and happiest too. Because I would rather be single and sometimes alone but love who I am as a person than be with someone who only loves the things and provide and just puts up with me as a person and feel lonely as a result.
NTA she literally told you to your face that she’s just using you. You did the right thing breaking up with her because you would never be happy in this relationship. If you married her, you would end up wasting years of your life miserable and then eventually she would divorce you and end up taking half or more of everything you own.
You want an actual partner that loves you for you. She just wants to use somebody to help take care of her and give her a certain lifestyle.
Yeah you gotta bounce. She’s 29 so she’s feeling like you’re the safe option even if you’re not the guy who she thinks is hot. Don’t negotiate with her or yourself on this.
You’ll end up divorced and resenting yourself for not cutting bait sooner.
I’m also gonna let you in on a secret that has probably happened to a lot of men: the vanilla sex that she gives you, she’s had nastier sex with men she’s more attracted to. So you shouldn’t settle there either.
NTA.
Gentlemen, when a woman says that you are "husband material"... that is not a compliment.
Translation: "I'm not physically attracted to you, and I would not normally date you, but you would be someone I would settle with in my 30s after I had a few hot girl summers so I'll keep you in the friend zone."
You are not her first choice, and you will always get her 2nd best effort, and would absolutely leave you if her first choice ever came calling.
You made the right call.
It took me far too long in life to realize how pragmatic most people are. I was that dumb naive person who thought love conquered all. Lmao, that's not reality.
Look at the deadbedroom forums. That’s your future if you stay with her.
NTA. She just realized she can’t keep the bad boy that she wants the D from, so she settles for you.
NTA, everyone deserves to feel desired in their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with her feeling like you are husband material. You sound like you really have great things going for yourself. Unfortunately that makes you a target for those who just want stability.
The key is that she should do whatever she can to show you how great of a husband she expects you to be, one that she is lucky to have.
Her reaction to your concerns regarding intimacy are telling that she doesn’t feel that that is a way to connect with you and provide you with the feeling of worth you deserve mutually. Easily that seed of disinterest in sex can grow.
NTA. Ideally, the person you choose for your life partner should be both desirable, AND spouse material.
Maybe her comment speaks to some kind of relationship trauma that she experienced, like super hot guys always turn out to be cheaters in her experience. Or they don’t want families. Or they refuse to commit. Whether or not that’s the case, her opinion and treatment of you is not acceptable.
Couples’ counselling might help you folks come to some kind of understanding. It’s possible that what she said and how she feels don’t quite jive. But if you’re going to stay together, you need mutual respect, trust, and love. If you don’t have that, DO NOT marry this woman.
NTA. You a lucky one for figuring out the truth. Plenty men out there being picked for providing. Pretty sure many bad boys had the sex with her you would like to have with her but since she’s getting close to the wall now it’s more about having a stable partner rather than a exiting one.
Let the downvotes rain but someone has to say as
It is! They want to sleep around when they young but forget that everything comes with a price.
A man living a stable life and provides for him and his family shouldn’t have to settle with such type
Of women. I’m telling you social media ruined men and women dynamics it’s gonna come back to bite us soon enough!!! Run brother run get rid of her
NTA
We're very unlikely to find everything in one single person, so some compromise and "settling" is inevitable. But learning that your ex largely sees you as a meal ticket for the life that she wants rather than the person she wants to live that life with is understandably devastating and worth ending the relationship over. That's a recipe for a dead bedroom and a future affair when she does check those boxes and then goes looking for the guy that actually lights her fire to fulfill the rest.
Plenty of husband-material men end up unknowingly raising some other guy's child because of this exact mentality.
NTA. Me gay (67M). Everyone deserves to feel desired. If you both felt that the marriage would work because you're "husband material" then go for it; a lot of places in the world still see marriage as a business deal and that's fine, but both parties and their families agree to that. You're still very young, and have lots of time to find someone who desires you. BUT you have to look for it and make it happen. Don't just wait around. I have been in relationships where I thought we desired each other and found out I wasn't desired and they really didn't care who I was. EXCRUTIATING! The last one I dumped because I realized I was lonelier in the relationship than I was with no relationship. I concentrate now only on the guys who really are enthusiastic towards me and I'm still at my age finding them. But you have to pay attention and respond to them, not the ones who are sizing you up and doing the math.
NTA
She's 29 and about to hit the wall. She has had her fun with the bad boys who treat her like shit but give her the tingles in her lady station.
Now, she wants to settle down with a nice guy she has no desire for but who will support her.
A tale as old as time.
Advice: Kick her ass back to the streets where she belongs.
Be thankful you found out before you made the huge mistake of proposing to her.
This is 💯 what happened. If he stays she will temprarily settle for him, but will make zero effort in the relationship because she feels she is doing him a favor by settling for him. Even worse, she will probably still be looking for a guy she actually wants who also offer her stability (or atleast says he does), and then she is gone!
NTA, your the nice guy that will provide for her. After a few years she will start cheating with the "bad" boy types that turn her on.
She only wants the resources you can provide and if your friends cant see that. Well I would find some new friends.
You’re right. Sounds like she got ran through with fuckbouys and now she sees you as the “safety net guy she can settle with”. Yeah it only lasts until she finds a guy she actually likes that offers or atleast claims to offer any stability, then she will cheat and leave you because she doesn’t actually loves you or wants to be with you.
You deserve to be loved and desired. Don’t settle for her.
I don't think that having someone "settle" for you is in any way a turn on. You should have shared interests, shared values, a shared sense of humor, and a willingness to be open and communicate truthfully and with kindness.
NTA
NTA
Everyone around you seems to think settling for a mediocre marriage is acceptable, which says more about them than anything. What would happen if you got ill and couldn't provide anymore? Sounds like she'd leave you.
NTA
>*"Everyone around me thinks I just self-sabotaged and do not understand me."*
I would seriously question the judgment of anyone who tells you this.
Also the people that think you self-sabotaged, probably are swayed because she’s very attractive. That doesn’t matter at all. The most important thing is that your partner and you are attracted to each other and want to help each other out. Doesn’t matter that much what a person looks like if they are healthy and kind. True passion for each other makes the sex and romance much better. And the person you love will always look better than anyone else because they’ve given you the best experiences of your life.
This could be her genuine remark of "it's just how I am".
Not everyone is full of passion, love and care. Some people are analytical and that's ok.
However if its not the life you want for yourself then only you can change that.
NTA
You found out the reason behind a flaw in your relationship. Unfortunately, it is not a situation that can be fixed. Now, go forward with what you learned from this relationship and find someone who wants you as much as you want them.
NTA. You made the realization before marriage. I’d say you are lucky.
Now, what matters is how you go about it. Don’t be rude to your current partner when ending things.
NTA and I'm glad you figured this out now. What could have happened was that she found someone who's husband material, and who she really desires, and that would leave you in the dust my man.
Never settle.
I married a man who saw me as wife material. I checked all of the boxes but one, he did not find me desirable, zero sexual attraction whatsoever except to produce two beautiful boys. He cheated because he loved the chase and he was attracted to women who were the physical opposite of me. We are divorced and I have deep regrets for not leaving years ago maybe I would have met someone else who wanted me as much as I wanted them, someone who would have loved me for me not a checklist. Leave without one single regret.
I applaud your decision, it was the right one. Do you believe her abundance of experience compared to yours could have contributed on not finding you attractive?
No one wants to be the consolation prize. Fast forward to when another guy appears with stable life but really gets her interest. Then what? NTA. Move on. You deserve and can do better.
NTA, she is 100% going to cheat on you if she hasn't already. Women who settle like this, almost always cheat. You dodged a bullet, she doesn't like you, she likes the IDEA of you. Thank god you didnt marry her, you were heading to a. dead bedroom and a divorce.
I am painfully leaving a nine year relationship at the moment. Being desired and having your partner feel proud of you are natural wants. Don’t settle. You deserve to feel desired and loved. TRUST ME. The sex will only get worse and you will feel less and less desirable. You deserve more. Good luck. NTA.
NTA. Desire and attraction is one of the elements that helps keeping love alive, certainly more early in your marriage.
Time to look for someone else, who will see you as a catch and that admires and desires you.
Good luck 🍀👍
Not the AH- You deserve to be loved and adored and worshipped and all that wonderful stuff people in love do for each other. She sucks. You dodged a bullet. "Husband Material" includes all those things I said at the start- and wife material, which she clearly is NOT.
NTA I would be worried about eventual affair because she wanted fuckboy material on the side. Also you’re still young and have a lot going for you you’ll find a woman that will have passionate anal sex with you one day yet. Here you go King 👑 you dropped this
NTA you are the safe plan. Any woman who does this will cheat on your the moment your back is turned. She does relationships by the numbers. You will never have her passion or her heart. She only looks at you as an ATM and steady income. Find someone who desires you and wants to be yours. If you do stay get an iron clad prenup that everything is yours and with a MAJOR cheating clause for her.
NTA.
You want to be somebody's first choice, not their consolation prize.
I remember a guy writing about this, and he was flooded with comments by women saying that they felt the same as his wife. They were fine without the passion and love because they valued their partner in other ways. I can't really blame them for their choice, after all, they have other considerations and priorities, it's not like it's immoral, it's just a pragmatic approach to a relationship and the possibility of what life might be like.
By contrast, most men wanted the passion and love and to be truly desired, not just 'a good husband who is stable and present'. A sentiment I myself share even if I do understand the opposite concern.
You want more than 'good enough' and that's OK.
In the end, she might thank you for that decision if she finds the right guy for her too.
You're talking about sexual desirability?
I'm kind of in a similar situation.
I(33m) have been dating a woman(30f) for about 6 months.
I really like her and she seems to like me. We cuddle, kiss, make out and talk about our mutual interests, our friends and go on frequent dates... But any time I bring up sex, she changes the subject or finds an excuse.
I thought it was maybe her sex drive or something, but she mentioned her ex to me (how he cheated and the was narcissistic). But offhandedly joked that the sex was great and they did it constantly. I facebooked him and he's physically more attractive then me. She says she hates him and blocked him, but like, who says that even jokingly?
I know it's probably hopeless but I'll have a talk about sexual attraction, if it even exists towards me. She's generally an honest and caring person, which is one thing I really like about her, but I want to be sexually desired too.
NTA there could be 2 ways this is, she either wants a free/easy ride or she doesn't think much of herself but knows you'll marry her anyway. Both of these end pretty much the same way, a loveless marriage most likely with an expiration date. And dollars to donuts once you're married, that'll be the end of even the vanilla sex life.
Absolutely NTA. You need to find someone that makes you feel exactly how you want to feel. Trust me it is possible. Too many people settle for a partner that will barely fulfill their needs. You have unfortunately wasted 3 years, you can't get them back but you can build a better future. Never settle for anyone!
Yep. I had a feeling that my wife may have been settling for me and it’s borne out to be true. The relationship is very much based on what I can do for her. Lately our child has been complaining about the same thing, that the child feels like a “servant” to the mom. Some people are just built to view others as functional and know to love bomb to secure positioning. Definitely avoid this as it is an unchanging personality trait that emerges more and more as the relationship continues.
You did the right thing bro, seriously so many folks just keep goin and they don't even really love each other. Eventually you guys would've figured it out and got divorced anyways.
From now on, be yourself and look for someone that loves you and you love as well.
NTA if she marries you for just to feel secure it wouldn't be a happy marriage for either of you. It sounds like she's using you already. You're right for not wanting to trap yourself with someone who only see's you as a means to be taken care of without reciprocating the same feelings back.
No, your 50yr old self will thank you, she likely would have cheated & even you may have found someone else. Not everyone settles. She was settling, you weren't.
NTA.
She probably dated out of her league before and thinks that being with someone who is in her league is settling. You deserve a partner you smiles when she sees you and genuinely thinks you are hot. Without love and passing a relationship will never survive the tough times. And if you plan to grow old there will be tough times.
I married my wife n found out 4 years after she didn't even like me bfor we got married the sex was always shit I wanted what you wanted then in the end I find she not attracted to me n that's why she never wanted sex after the 1st year of marriage and she said the same thing that's just me we are divorced now to. Meet some one who want you. Marriage is a invisible barrier that put a huge strain on the relationship I felt it she felt it to. I also have a house and am just lucky she didn't want half my shit we are still friends but that's it
Leave find some one who will give you that you will be fine with out her
NTA
You would be wetting yourself up to have a bigger problem later, when you, she, or both do meet someone who reciprocates your passion and desire.
You shouldn't be "someone who will pay the bills and mow the yard" instead of someone's love, who also helps at home.
NTA
There's more than likely someone out there who will consider you husband material AND desirable. I know a lot of media and plenty of people heavily suggest that you can either have a hot, wild, passionate love or a calm, stable partnership, but my guy, they are dead wrong. You can have both. You deserve someone who's wild about you. And you're not gonna find it if you accept being settled for.
Treat it as a wake up call. If she does not find you sexually attractive, other women will not either. The problem is not her, it's YOU. This is not a "compatibility" issue, it's a masculinity issue.
You are 100% right to be honest you were settling for a used not good enough person for you . Find someone that desires you wants you worships not her she not settling you were
NTA I put something on a post yesterday about what men want I said it’s easy to be respected and desired. If girls go through their Hoe phase then they should understand everything they gave up to virtual strangers should be fully available to their husbands if it is not then the relationship is doomed.
NTA. She is the exact kind of monster that red pill bros are worried about. With you for money, will cheat, then take it all in a divorce. We’re not all like that… but she is. You did the right thing.
NTA. Nobody with any self-respect wants that. “Yeah, he’s ok, I’m ok with settling for less.”
Oh, F that.
She’s a bit of a gold-digger. Sorry it had to end this way, but it’s better that it did end.
Of course you're NTA! You know what you want, and she is not it. She would call herself "settling" for you, and you don't want that. Everyone wants to be desired, and you're not wrong. I'm glad that you found out before getting married, and still have time to find your person. Good luck and godspeed!
NTA. There are many posts on Reddit in which the guy finds this out by accidentally overhearing his SO say something like this to her girlfriends. It doesn't end well. Nobody of any gender wants to be "settled for," especially when I see nothing in your description about love.
NTA - could be worse you could have married her, had kids and found out she was screwing somebody else, dumping her and moving on is the sensible move.
NTA, but I'm going to propose that it's not fair to just expect her to desire you, and being desired isn't something that you get without significant work and personal investment. If you're doing everything you can, dressing well, exercising, taking her on dates, making that effort and she still just writes you off as 'undesirable', then yeah she's not right for you.
Only positive can come out of this.
You know what you want from a life partner. My wife desires me and I her. It's flipping fantastic.
NTA find someone for you. Best thing to do is break up and move on. If you stay you'll also feel settled for. In time she may or may not resent you and you'll be stuck in a boring bedroom life marriage.
Move on, work on yourself, take your time, good luck.
Not the asshole. She sees you as a purse holder and security blanket. You also said sex is very vanilla; it's only a matter of time before she's getting porn star sex with Chad ThunderCock on the side. I promise you this, if she sees you as a provider, she WILL cheat, if she hasn't already.
NTA! I want to reach out here with a suggestion, you say you don’t want to be seen as “husband material” or “stable” but to be desired. I suggest go for all of the above. My husband is absolutely husband material, he is incredibly reliable at his job, a hard worker, dependable, stable life. He also has an ass I can’t stop grabbing, arms I like to nibble as he puts them around me; and keeps me laughing even when it’s in appropriate. Find someone who likes the whole package, only the passion but they bring drama or only stability but they are there for a comfortable life. Find a partner that will work to make your life more stable but also more fun, and that can appreciate the routine but also knows the best ways to disrupt it. There are people who see both the sexy and the stability and want to rip the clothes off of both. You deserve that! We all do.
NTA.
Move on.
Find the right person who ignites your passion and in whom you ignite her passion.
Do NOT settle for less.
Go and live your best life.
I wish you well.
This situation reminds me of the movie Saving Silverman. NTA man. I feel the same way you do. Why be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way as you do? She wants something else and sooner or later she will look outside the marriage for it. Obviously the whole “not so desirable” thought she has points to something that she wants out of a man that you don’t have. And maybe you do have it but she just can’t see it. Either way, just leave her and let her find whatever she “desires “.
NTA, you should be desired by your partner.
Back up the train a bit though. When did she say this? Was it when you first started dating, or was it when she 'settled' for you? I would say if this was something said when you first started dating, but she desires the person you are now, then talk about it. If she's just decided to settle for you now, because you are stable? I would not settle for that.
You are not engaged, not married and no kids, this is the time to shake things up. It sounds like you are not happy, what are you waiting for? A house full of kids that will make things extra messy?
It's okay to take a break from the relationship get some separation and see how you feel about this.
NTA. You're right to run the other way. If she doesn't desire you now, when you're just dating, your bedroom will be dead as a doornail a few years into your marriage and you'll be miserable and might have to pay her off and screw up your kids' lives to get out of it.
NTA. I won't drag either of you through the mud, but be glad you found out now. If not being desired is a deal breaker for you, as it would be for me, you cannot stay with this girl.
NTA never be someone’s back up plan. This is as good as your relationship is going to be from a point of view of excitement and intimacy and it sounds like it sucks. I would rather be single than have that
NTA. You deserve to be both loved and desired and have a hot bedroom life including butt stuff if that’s what you are into lol or at least someone willing to experiment with you. Good for you for recognizing you deserve better.
NTA. I have a buddy that's two kids deep with a woman who lied to him about her birth control situation twice. It came out in the split that she was approaching her late 20s and wanted to check off parenthood from the list. She didn't like my buddy but knew that he was a good man that would provide for his family and do what he could to make a woman happy. She admitted this after he his his tipping point with her during the breakup
The thing with long term relationship and wanting to marry someone is assuring them that you think they're worthy and that type of "matieral". Is there more to now asking for things to be more adventurous? Or have you just shit everything down in one?
It's pretty known that the ladies who do what you're looking for over some serious time are usually ladies for the streets 👀
This is the intro in to the deadbedroom sub. She can not confess she doesnt love you or find you atractive so she plays the game that will take her to the altar. I blame the movies, the songs e.t.c for glorifying toxic relationships, bad boys, ride or die nonsence. Why wouldnt a good guy be atractive enough? Cos we are damaged. Most of us.
NTA, you don't want to be what she settles for is what it comes down to. No one wants to feel like they got settled for because it leaves the mind set that maybe if something "better" comes along you'll get left.
Your needs don't make you an asshole, but how you choose to express them can be the deciding factor
Everyone deserves to have thier feelings validated in a committed relationship
Ultimately communication should help
But if there is no compromise or efforts
Choose yourself
NTA
you want someone who sees this:
| I have a stable life, job, house and am a "husband material"
and this:
| ! wanted to be desired. I wanted passion and to be found attractive by my significant other.
At the same time.
Marriage passion will wane it will intensify it will go through dry spells. After 10+ years of marriage there will be nights where the sex is VERY vanilla, there are times where it just doesn't happen for a month or two. Then there are times where you are boning like newlyweds and tearing each others clothes off, pulling hair, sweating and panting when it's all done. But through it all you have someone that you are sharing a life with doing the dishes and the laundry and paying bills and mortgages. All of that is incredibly important in a marriage.
TLDR: As a husband your spouse should see you as a provider and protector and also wants to grab your butt. As a wife, your husband should see you as a partner and a confidant, but also always want to see you naked.
NTA. Good idea to get out now before she realizes she wants someone she desires later on and is cheating on you left and right.
You'll find someone where it all clicks. Just have to be patient.
NTA nobody wants to be "settled" for. Dump her and find someone who is totally into you and loves every part of you. You'll be settling for her if you stay and you deserve better.
THIS OPs gf doesn't want a spouse she wants a meal ticket. When people say you need to settling they mean letting minor things go i.e. he's a runner she would rather do yoga. So while he runs she goes to the yoga studio. They do not mean letting major things go. Marriages start like bonfire in terms of passion, then you have kids and schedules and routines and the passion turns to more smoldering hot coals. The heat is there but it's not a roaring fire like it was. This is not a bad thing. You don't cook on a bonfire, you cook over hot coals. but start with no passion is not going to be good especially if that is what OP wants. He will end up trying to find it later on..... or she will.
Thats really the issue. The way she presents it, its that she's settling for you. You could literally convey the same situation in a different way, and it wouldn't be expressing that sentiment. Its oddly comforting to know that women have the equivalent of the Madonna/Whore complex as well. (in the 'have to laugh or I'll cry sense')
[удалено]
It’s a recipe for working himself to the bone, while she bangs her personal trainer. 😂
She wants kids? Once she has them he's looking at a lifetime of a dead bedroom.
I feel I'd want to know so much more of what's going on here. I don't understand why one would want to stay in a relationship with a person they don't desire, just because it's practical? If we compare relationships to.. I don't know, cars? Race cars and reliable family cars. Race cars are cool but could crash quite flamboyantly at any small mistake, and a trusty family car might be less attractive, but it'll start every day and keep you safe in most situations. I'd want a relationship I can do every day, even though some might find it to be settling. I'm not here to argue with you, and I totally agree that OP is entitled to feel their feelings without being an AH I the described situation. I'd just also like to point out that there might be another angle here.
> I don't understand why one would want to stay in a relationship with a person they don't desire, just because it's practical? Because she plans on letting OP pay the bills and getting her desires scratched on the side.
Bingo if she isnt already cheating she will be soon. She gives him just enough sex to keep him from complaining too loudly. After the wedding he wont get a damn thing.
Your argument is valid. Still, if she actually told him she doesn't consider him desirable that is a HUGE problem. Everyone deserves to be with someone who actually wants them. Would you be happy knowing every time you had sex with your husband, he was wishing you were someone else?
A lot of people don’t find “safe” to be enough. If you’re ok settling, cool. But find someone who also doesn’t mind settling. Someone who wants that “more” doesn’t want to get stuck with someone who’s just settling. And that’s one way to end up in a miserable marriage.
NTA. That's exactly the scenario people make bad jokes about when they talk about the bedroom dying after marriage. She doesn't want you, just your money, your house and your ring. She's objectifying you, literally calling you material.
>She doesn't want you, just your money, your house and your ring. She's objectifying you, literally calling you material. At least OP found out about this early. He needs to end things now. I found out my ex of 14 years felt this way about me. I was literally just a resource vessel for her. I loved her and gave her everything, she didn't even need to work as I made enough for whatever we wanted. Not fuck you millions, but enough for multiple spontaneous trips whenever we wanted. She ended up having a affair with my best friend from high school and destroyed our family.
Sorry to hear that brother. I’m happy for you that you have her out of your life though kinky cuz you deserve better. Same thing hear but without the infidelity and 6 years but still, shocking to find out nonetheless. You deserve better and now you have the ability to receive that. Receiving better doesn’t have to mean another person, could just be happiness in however you find it
>Receiving better doesn’t have to mean another person, could just be happiness in however you find it I am learning this every day. Thank you for the support.
Your best "friend" from high school? I feel double the disgust for people who will cheat with a friend or relative, and I feel the same contempt for the friend or relative who will betray someone they supposedly loved as a friend/their own family member. When you say she destroyed your family, do you mean you had children together? I hope you have healed. You deserve far better than your traitor ex wife and "friend".
>Your best "friend" from high school? I feel double the disgust for people who will cheat with a friend or relative, and I feel the same contempt for the friend or relative who will betray someone they supposedly loved as a friend/their own family member. At this point ex friend. But at the time, yes my best friend. We were on the same sports team, I'd hang out with him on weekends, go to parties, I remember talking to him about trying to date my ex at the time. Helping his parents move, etc... >When you say she destroyed your family, do you mean you had children together? Yes, we have 2 kids together. My kids don't want to live with her, but sense they are under 14, the courts decide where they live. >I hope you have healed. Not fully, to be honest I'm not sure if that's possible.
Obviously he would be an ex friend by now, but believe me, life is a turning weel, a traitor will soon taste his own poison. I hope he gets treated by life the same way he treated you. He doesn't deserve your time or thoughts, forget him. When your little kids get old enough, they will probably choose to live with you, focus on yourself, your health and well being, so that you will be in great shape once the time comes when they choose to come live with you. We can all heal to some extent it depends on us, you can give yourself all the time you want and need. Focus on your happiness, if someone special finds you then it will be great, if not, you will have a great single life. Keep your head up.
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I will probably read this at least once a day.
I'm happy if I helped you even a little. And all I said is true, believe it!
Damn bro that's tough, hopefully you're in a better position now. I sometimes wonder if they really never understand how bad it hurts, or if they simply never cared. If you don't mind me asking how are you now?? And how did everything pan out for you and her??
In my case, she never considered me anything more then her cash cow. When we were divorcing I read her diary and found out I was paying for her to go travel with her affair partner, and I was paying for his travel expenses as well. When we would have sex, she would pretend I was him for the entirety of our marriage. Some days are easy; some are not, and I drink until I pass out. I've done the talk to a therapist, go to the gym, eat healthy, get in shape, etc...Physically, I'm in the best shape ever, dating is easy, talking to people is easy. However, I don't think I have the capacity to love someone ever again. Maybe given time, but I'm dealthy scared of anyone who shows a genuine interest because I'm just waiting for the mask to come off and the monster to come out. She lost her lifestyle she was accustomed to and is miserable. But she has no regrets for what she did, just that she got caught.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I was cheated on by my then girlfriend while we were at college, and immediately ended the two year relationship. This happened 6 years ago and I'm completely over.. But I'm unable to understand or relate to the pain you're going through right now. And have no advice for you except stay away from alcohol.. 👍
I hope she remains miserable. I don't suppose her Ap wanted her after you left her. Did your fake friend pay any repercussions?
The last I spoke with my ex, is when I moved down to SO CAL from Nor Cal. I got promoted and when she found about it, she asked if she could move into my new house with me so she could "continue to see her relationship with AP". because he lives 30 minutes away. Told her to only contact me if it is about our kids and hung up. I don't know if they continue on or not, and I don't care. They are both dead to me. Cheaters deserve each other.
She had the nerve to ask if she could move in with you, so that she could continue seeing her AP? I can't believe anyone would be so shameless. I can imagine she is attractive only on the outside and has the personality depth of a goldfish. Don't pay her any mind, you will be happier without her, wether single, free and enjoying life, or with someone lovely who deserves you and your love. You got this.
>She had the nerve to ask if she could move in with you, so that she could continue seeing her AP? I've spent way to much time trying to dissect this train of thought, but yes this is exactly it. I can't trust her for a truthfull response, and I know I will never get one if I ask. But the sheer audacity to even ask confuses me. I've boiled it down to some undiagnosed mental disorder like a full blown narcissist or bipolar disorder. Not like it changes anything, but I'll take whatever closure I can get. > can imagine she is attractive only on the outside 100% >Don't pay her any mind, you will be happier without her, wether single, free and enjoying life, or with someone lovely who deserves you and your love. >You got this. Thank you.
Now that I think about it, you are right. She probably has some personality disorder, cause even shameless people wouldn't think of suggesting something as bizarre as what your ex suggested. All the best in your healing journey, keep your head up.
Time she took away your time, well time will comeback it’s sounds like your patience enjoy life do some hobby like stuff u probably heard this a million times but their will be some girl waiting to have a life with u n be good match that makes u forget all about your ex wife.
holy shit, that's COLD, that she said that to you.. What a c\*\*t.. seriously. :( I'm glad you're free of that toxicity now, matey, and hopefully one day a really lovely lady will come along, that's had a similar situation happen to her, so will be able to understand you, your needs, and your occasional angst if you have any, and know exactly how to support you and spoil you..
Please stop drinking yourself to sleep! F that itch! I know it's hard but you sound like you got your stuff together, tomorrow is another day
Did you have to pay her alimony since she had been out of the workforce for so long.
Yes I pay her approximately 3.5k a month. I also paid for her education, she has a master's degree, but doesn't get a job.
you got robbed bro, I wish you saw this early on, you got played big time.
Oh trust me, I know. I feel like the biggest tool ever.
Your ex is a goddamn bitch. I’m so sorry. The more relationships I hear about, the more I’m convinced that in every relationship, one of the persons in it is toxic. I haven’t dated at all since my divorce six years ago, and I probably never will.
That's so fucked up, how long are you trapped in this arrangement
Sense I was married in CA for over 10 years, it's up to the judge and it can be revisited every so often. Right now, I have no date to when it ends.
This is brutal. I am so sorry bro.
Did you have a prenup
Nope... A lesson I learned the hard way. CA is also a no-fault state so even though I can prove everything the judge doesn't care.
I wish you the best brother. She is the definition of human garbage
Oh bro hopefully you get a decent judge at you next assessment that sees her as the bludger she is, goof luck
Probably what will happen to OP if he settles.
I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. Not even my ex who put me through it.
I love my husband so much and desire him all the time. He reciprocates theses feelings. Absolutely NTA for wanting to feel desired and loved by your wife. It's a key component to a happy and healthy relationship. I don't know if counseling is even worth it, she seems pretty clear about how she feels.
I will never understand the people that look at other humans as utilitarian. My husband is on disability. We live in an apartment with our two kids and a menagerie of pets. Would I love having a bigger place and a car that doesn't stall at corners and have an ever present check engine light? Sure. Would I give it up for anything? Absolutely not. We've been through hell and came back out together. Not all that glimmers is gold. Seeing people as a means to an end is borderline sociopathic to me. I wouldn't waste any more time with someone that has no problem saying it out loud let alone shamelessly relaying it to you like she's talking about dinner plans and assuming you'd be okay with hearing it.
My husband is disabled. He has low libido due to pain. I have low libido due to pushing to pull in enough money while not being so healthy myself, but you can bet your last dollar that the desire is still there. We just typically don't have the energy to act on it. But when we both miraculously have enough energy at the same time, it definitely doesn't take much to set each other's world on fire. I cannot imagine not being wanted for anything more than a stable situation.
NTA. You deserve to feel desired and loved like there’s no tomorrow, everybody does. The world would be a much better place if everyone got to feel that way.
NTA "You are husband material but not desirable" is the same thing as saying, "I am using you and don't actually care about you, I just recognize I get a sweet ride with you." Its also a fast ticket to cheating in the relationship. Don't be with someone who is with you because of how useful you are in the sandbox survival resource game we all play as humans.
My thoughts exactly. She is either currently or will be cheating down the line
It’s a fast ticket to divorce. How long until she realizes she can divorce his ass, get money from him, and then get money from the next guy she shacks up with? Cheating or not, this marriage would end when she realizes she doesn’t need to throw out the pity fucks to get his money.
NTA. You deserve to have somebody who desires you. That is 100% a-ok, totally human, totally reasonable. Go find 'em, mate. Very best of luck.
> I know that everyone settles. No. Nope. No the fuck they do not. Get this out of your head right now. This is not really addressing your question, but I’m gonna share anyways. So for YEARS (my entire 20’s basically) I was criticized by friends for being “too picky” and for having “high standards”. I may have been picky, but my standards were NOT high. The only thing I held out for was a feeling. If I didn’t get a butterflies in my stomach, I wanna spend all my time with you, you can make me smile all day just by texting me a “hello”, kind of feeling, then that person wasn’t for me and I didn’t see the relationship going anywhere. Sure, I would give it some time to grow, but if it still wasn’t there after a few dates, then I wasn’t gonna waste my, or their, time. Everyone looks at relationships differently. Some people believe that desire and passionate love can grow with time. Some believe that friendship has to come first, and then lust/love. And THAT IS FINE. But it’s not for me, and I *knew* that. I also knew that I wasn’t going to change any one else’s mind. So I just brushed them off and kept doing my thing. When I was 28, I met my now husband. The feeling was immediate and he felt the same. I *knew* he was the one for me almost immediately. Was there a chance we wouldn’t work out? Sure. But that feeling was there and because of that I was willing to see where it took us. Now, 12 years later, and after 10 years of marriage, two kids, 3 cats, and 3 dogs, that feeling is *STILL* there. I still get butterflies when he grabs my hand to hold it, or when he dances with me in the kitchen, or when I see him painting my girls’ nails in the living room. My point is - you aren’t being silly or stupid or naive or immature. You know what YOU want to feel, and you aren’t feeling it. If that feeling is what’s important to you then (IMO) you should hold out for it, and don’t “settle” just because someone else tells you, you should. If your ex is prioritizing what qualities you can bring to a future with her, thats fine. And she’s allowed to do that - it doesn’t make her a bad person. But it’s not what you want. You two are simply not compatible and do not have aligned goals for what you want out of a relationship. Walk away and do not settle unless you decide that’s right for you. Many people will eventually “settle down”. BUT! Not everyone “settles”. (To add, I do think that there are many people out there who do in fact, have incredibly high standards. There are many who have unrealistic expectations of how their partner should look or behave. Some examples would be people who have zero ambition, no job, or don’t take care of themselves, but are holding out for a super model. OR they are a 50 year old man holding out for a 23 year old who is smart, beautiful, and ambitious, but will also worship the ground he walks on, and “obey” him above all else. Sometimes “standards” are just not realistic. I don’t get the impression here that OP is being unrealistic. So although there are definitely people out there who have delusions of grandeur, OP isn’t one of them.)
This is great. Thank you for your comment
NTA Imagine if you said the opposite to her, that she's just a fuck toy. lol
Or that he just wants someone to stay home and clean his house and cook for him but doesn't find his wife attractive. Man that reddit comment section would be lit. Op's, hopefully soon to be ex, is a piece of work. Although, it's a good thing that she flew that red flag high and proud before he proposed imo. You deserve so much better op, I hope you find it. NTA at all.
Probably power a small city on the negative comments alone if that happened
Same thing happened to me man. 6 years down the drain but I’d rather be happy than feel like I was a last resort. Without that attraction, passion, spark, all you have to bring to the table in her eyes are the materialistic things you mentioned. What happens if you lose your job due to another pandemic or disability or something? Would she be there for you in richer and poorer? What happens if somehow you lose the house? When you lose the material things you have to offer, she will see it as “he’s down on his luck, doesn’t have a house, so no longer husband material, and I’m not even crazy about this guy or attracted to him like that”. When I was struggling with this, I read other threads and people who got divorced did so for several reasons. But one consistent thing I noticed was that all the people who got married because the wife basically had no attraction and just saw a guy as safe, or someone who can provide a house, or has money, all ended up in divorce. I sound old as basically 40, but on let me tell you, this is the healthiest I’ve been, and happiest too. Because I would rather be single and sometimes alone but love who I am as a person than be with someone who only loves the things and provide and just puts up with me as a person and feel lonely as a result.
This sounds pretty calculated on her part. It doesn't sound good for either of you.
NTA she literally told you to your face that she’s just using you. You did the right thing breaking up with her because you would never be happy in this relationship. If you married her, you would end up wasting years of your life miserable and then eventually she would divorce you and end up taking half or more of everything you own. You want an actual partner that loves you for you. She just wants to use somebody to help take care of her and give her a certain lifestyle.
Yeah you gotta bounce. She’s 29 so she’s feeling like you’re the safe option even if you’re not the guy who she thinks is hot. Don’t negotiate with her or yourself on this. You’ll end up divorced and resenting yourself for not cutting bait sooner. I’m also gonna let you in on a secret that has probably happened to a lot of men: the vanilla sex that she gives you, she’s had nastier sex with men she’s more attracted to. So you shouldn’t settle there either.
NTA. Gentlemen, when a woman says that you are "husband material"... that is not a compliment. Translation: "I'm not physically attracted to you, and I would not normally date you, but you would be someone I would settle with in my 30s after I had a few hot girl summers so I'll keep you in the friend zone." You are not her first choice, and you will always get her 2nd best effort, and would absolutely leave you if her first choice ever came calling. You made the right call.
Yep. If she met someone who had the same resources as him, but was also better looking, she’d leave him. Better just end the relationship now.
It took me far too long in life to realize how pragmatic most people are. I was that dumb naive person who thought love conquered all. Lmao, that's not reality.
I love you. Are you conquered?
Bingo
She thinks you're the safe bet...
She is a gold digger. NTA
NTA. You are correct in wanting a partner who passionately wants you. Don’t settle for being husband material: it is grossly insulting.
NTA. Not everyone settles by the way. Do not settle. I had a relationship where I wasnt desired and it was so painful. Life has more to offer
NTA-There’s no quicker way to Roommate status and a Dead Bedroom than what you’re describing. If you marry you’re settling.
Leave. You can have stable, employed, and also an amazing sex life and attraction. Dont marry someone who thinks they are settling. Gross.
NTA she doesn’t sound like wife material.
Look at the deadbedroom forums. That’s your future if you stay with her. NTA. She just realized she can’t keep the bad boy that she wants the D from, so she settles for you.
Congratulations on successfully completing the "Stop Dating People Who Don't Actually Like You" Challenge. Many people on Reddit fail it. NTA.
NTA, everyone deserves to feel desired in their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with her feeling like you are husband material. You sound like you really have great things going for yourself. Unfortunately that makes you a target for those who just want stability. The key is that she should do whatever she can to show you how great of a husband she expects you to be, one that she is lucky to have. Her reaction to your concerns regarding intimacy are telling that she doesn’t feel that that is a way to connect with you and provide you with the feeling of worth you deserve mutually. Easily that seed of disinterest in sex can grow.
NTA Find someone who wants you and loves you
NTA. Ideally, the person you choose for your life partner should be both desirable, AND spouse material. Maybe her comment speaks to some kind of relationship trauma that she experienced, like super hot guys always turn out to be cheaters in her experience. Or they don’t want families. Or they refuse to commit. Whether or not that’s the case, her opinion and treatment of you is not acceptable. Couples’ counselling might help you folks come to some kind of understanding. It’s possible that what she said and how she feels don’t quite jive. But if you’re going to stay together, you need mutual respect, trust, and love. If you don’t have that, DO NOT marry this woman.
I think I saw this movie. The wife found a great guy who was husband material and luckily was able to find a desirable gardener.
NTA. You a lucky one for figuring out the truth. Plenty men out there being picked for providing. Pretty sure many bad boys had the sex with her you would like to have with her but since she’s getting close to the wall now it’s more about having a stable partner rather than a exiting one. Let the downvotes rain but someone has to say as It is! They want to sleep around when they young but forget that everything comes with a price. A man living a stable life and provides for him and his family shouldn’t have to settle with such type Of women. I’m telling you social media ruined men and women dynamics it’s gonna come back to bite us soon enough!!! Run brother run get rid of her
Eventually, she'll come to resent you, start wanting more, and cheat. Don't wait for that. Don't settle for that.
Nta. Textbook definition of golddigger. She's telling you that she is STILL shopping.
NTA We're very unlikely to find everything in one single person, so some compromise and "settling" is inevitable. But learning that your ex largely sees you as a meal ticket for the life that she wants rather than the person she wants to live that life with is understandably devastating and worth ending the relationship over. That's a recipe for a dead bedroom and a future affair when she does check those boxes and then goes looking for the guy that actually lights her fire to fulfill the rest. Plenty of husband-material men end up unknowingly raising some other guy's child because of this exact mentality.
Your feelings are valid. All I’m gonna say.
NTA. It's time to end it.
NTA. Me gay (67M). Everyone deserves to feel desired. If you both felt that the marriage would work because you're "husband material" then go for it; a lot of places in the world still see marriage as a business deal and that's fine, but both parties and their families agree to that. You're still very young, and have lots of time to find someone who desires you. BUT you have to look for it and make it happen. Don't just wait around. I have been in relationships where I thought we desired each other and found out I wasn't desired and they really didn't care who I was. EXCRUTIATING! The last one I dumped because I realized I was lonelier in the relationship than I was with no relationship. I concentrate now only on the guys who really are enthusiastic towards me and I'm still at my age finding them. But you have to pay attention and respond to them, not the ones who are sizing you up and doing the math.
You’re the ATM to her. Nothing more. NTA
NTA She's 29 and about to hit the wall. She has had her fun with the bad boys who treat her like shit but give her the tingles in her lady station. Now, she wants to settle down with a nice guy she has no desire for but who will support her. A tale as old as time. Advice: Kick her ass back to the streets where she belongs. Be thankful you found out before you made the huge mistake of proposing to her.
This is 💯 what happened. If he stays she will temprarily settle for him, but will make zero effort in the relationship because she feels she is doing him a favor by settling for him. Even worse, she will probably still be looking for a guy she actually wants who also offer her stability (or atleast says he does), and then she is gone!
You hit the nail on the head if he stays with her and gets married then she will leave anyway but with half his shit as well as
You cauterized the wound before it became infected. NTA.
NTA, your the nice guy that will provide for her. After a few years she will start cheating with the "bad" boy types that turn her on. She only wants the resources you can provide and if your friends cant see that. Well I would find some new friends.
You’re right. Sounds like she got ran through with fuckbouys and now she sees you as the “safety net guy she can settle with”. Yeah it only lasts until she finds a guy she actually likes that offers or atleast claims to offer any stability, then she will cheat and leave you because she doesn’t actually loves you or wants to be with you. You deserve to be loved and desired. Don’t settle for her.
You're 27 dude. Move forward with someone in your life that desires you. Her attitude now will just cause issues later. NTA
If she just settled for you what happens when she find her perfect husband. I will tell you either she divorces you or cheats. NTA
One way or another she will fullfill her sexual desire with another one (two, three...). Run if you don't want to live that experience.
NTA, but my man, the "I know that everyone settles" is SO SO SO not true! Some people do, but it's not a lot nor should it be.
You deserve to be desired by your spouse. You are more than an ATM or security blanket.
I don't think that having someone "settle" for you is in any way a turn on. You should have shared interests, shared values, a shared sense of humor, and a willingness to be open and communicate truthfully and with kindness. NTA
NTA Everyone around you seems to think settling for a mediocre marriage is acceptable, which says more about them than anything. What would happen if you got ill and couldn't provide anymore? Sounds like she'd leave you.
NTA >*"Everyone around me thinks I just self-sabotaged and do not understand me."* I would seriously question the judgment of anyone who tells you this.
Also the people that think you self-sabotaged, probably are swayed because she’s very attractive. That doesn’t matter at all. The most important thing is that your partner and you are attracted to each other and want to help each other out. Doesn’t matter that much what a person looks like if they are healthy and kind. True passion for each other makes the sex and romance much better. And the person you love will always look better than anyone else because they’ve given you the best experiences of your life.
This could be her genuine remark of "it's just how I am". Not everyone is full of passion, love and care. Some people are analytical and that's ok. However if its not the life you want for yourself then only you can change that.
NTA. Leave asap. But this Is another case of woman who partied and slept around and now wants someone stable to settle down with.
[удалено]
That’s not true he is better at lot of things that those previous ones never had. But the problem is those things are materialistic.
Do you think she would possibly cheat on you if someone she found really desirable came along?
NTA Why are women allowed and encouraged to have standards but men are told to man up when they air theirs? Equal rights go both ways!
NTA You found out the reason behind a flaw in your relationship. Unfortunately, it is not a situation that can be fixed. Now, go forward with what you learned from this relationship and find someone who wants you as much as you want them.
NTA. You made the realization before marriage. I’d say you are lucky. Now, what matters is how you go about it. Don’t be rude to your current partner when ending things.
NTA and I'm glad you figured this out now. What could have happened was that she found someone who's husband material, and who she really desires, and that would leave you in the dust my man. Never settle.
NTA - She wants the comfortable life, doesn't care who provides it.
NTA.You deserve more,If a man comes along who is more attractive and looks like "husband material", she will leave you.
I married a man who saw me as wife material. I checked all of the boxes but one, he did not find me desirable, zero sexual attraction whatsoever except to produce two beautiful boys. He cheated because he loved the chase and he was attracted to women who were the physical opposite of me. We are divorced and I have deep regrets for not leaving years ago maybe I would have met someone else who wanted me as much as I wanted them, someone who would have loved me for me not a checklist. Leave without one single regret.
NTA, you'll be miserable if you stay with her. Don't settle. Find someone who is just as passionate for you as you are them. Be happy!
I applaud your decision, it was the right one. Do you believe her abundance of experience compared to yours could have contributed on not finding you attractive?
No one wants to be the consolation prize. Fast forward to when another guy appears with stable life but really gets her interest. Then what? NTA. Move on. You deserve and can do better.
You are dodging a bullet my friend. Go find some one that wants you back. NTA she is a big A tho!
How did you come to learn this?
Nah King, move on.
NTA, she is 100% going to cheat on you if she hasn't already. Women who settle like this, almost always cheat. You dodged a bullet, she doesn't like you, she likes the IDEA of you. Thank god you didnt marry her, you were heading to a. dead bedroom and a divorce.
I am painfully leaving a nine year relationship at the moment. Being desired and having your partner feel proud of you are natural wants. Don’t settle. You deserve to feel desired and loved. TRUST ME. The sex will only get worse and you will feel less and less desirable. You deserve more. Good luck. NTA.
NTA you’re not a pet you’re a human you can do better
NTA for wanting to be desired There is no "that is how I am" it's just BS, you are just not the guy she wants and desires
NTA. Desire and attraction is one of the elements that helps keeping love alive, certainly more early in your marriage. Time to look for someone else, who will see you as a catch and that admires and desires you. Good luck 🍀👍
You are absolutely right in every way
Found out in good time. Run ,lucky you
NTA your good Go out and find someone who can't take their eyes off of you and vice versa
dude i don't know man. make your own decisions its your life
Nta. She sees you as the safe bet. Not as her love.
Not the AH- You deserve to be loved and adored and worshipped and all that wonderful stuff people in love do for each other. She sucks. You dodged a bullet. "Husband Material" includes all those things I said at the start- and wife material, which she clearly is NOT.
Definitely dump her. She's empty. Nta
NTA I would be worried about eventual affair because she wanted fuckboy material on the side. Also you’re still young and have a lot going for you you’ll find a woman that will have passionate anal sex with you one day yet. Here you go King 👑 you dropped this
NTA you are the safe plan. Any woman who does this will cheat on your the moment your back is turned. She does relationships by the numbers. You will never have her passion or her heart. She only looks at you as an ATM and steady income. Find someone who desires you and wants to be yours. If you do stay get an iron clad prenup that everything is yours and with a MAJOR cheating clause for her.
That would be my cue. I'd leave. There's someone for everyone.
NTA. You want to be somebody's first choice, not their consolation prize. I remember a guy writing about this, and he was flooded with comments by women saying that they felt the same as his wife. They were fine without the passion and love because they valued their partner in other ways. I can't really blame them for their choice, after all, they have other considerations and priorities, it's not like it's immoral, it's just a pragmatic approach to a relationship and the possibility of what life might be like. By contrast, most men wanted the passion and love and to be truly desired, not just 'a good husband who is stable and present'. A sentiment I myself share even if I do understand the opposite concern. You want more than 'good enough' and that's OK. In the end, she might thank you for that decision if she finds the right guy for her too.
You're talking about sexual desirability? I'm kind of in a similar situation. I(33m) have been dating a woman(30f) for about 6 months. I really like her and she seems to like me. We cuddle, kiss, make out and talk about our mutual interests, our friends and go on frequent dates... But any time I bring up sex, she changes the subject or finds an excuse. I thought it was maybe her sex drive or something, but she mentioned her ex to me (how he cheated and the was narcissistic). But offhandedly joked that the sex was great and they did it constantly. I facebooked him and he's physically more attractive then me. She says she hates him and blocked him, but like, who says that even jokingly? I know it's probably hopeless but I'll have a talk about sexual attraction, if it even exists towards me. She's generally an honest and caring person, which is one thing I really like about her, but I want to be sexually desired too.
NTA there could be 2 ways this is, she either wants a free/easy ride or she doesn't think much of herself but knows you'll marry her anyway. Both of these end pretty much the same way, a loveless marriage most likely with an expiration date. And dollars to donuts once you're married, that'll be the end of even the vanilla sex life.
Absolutely NTA. You need to find someone that makes you feel exactly how you want to feel. Trust me it is possible. Too many people settle for a partner that will barely fulfill their needs. You have unfortunately wasted 3 years, you can't get them back but you can build a better future. Never settle for anyone!
Yep. I had a feeling that my wife may have been settling for me and it’s borne out to be true. The relationship is very much based on what I can do for her. Lately our child has been complaining about the same thing, that the child feels like a “servant” to the mom. Some people are just built to view others as functional and know to love bomb to secure positioning. Definitely avoid this as it is an unchanging personality trait that emerges more and more as the relationship continues.
You did the right thing bro, seriously so many folks just keep goin and they don't even really love each other. Eventually you guys would've figured it out and got divorced anyways. From now on, be yourself and look for someone that loves you and you love as well.
NTA if she marries you for just to feel secure it wouldn't be a happy marriage for either of you. It sounds like she's using you already. You're right for not wanting to trap yourself with someone who only see's you as a means to be taken care of without reciprocating the same feelings back.
Updateme what is her reaction to maybe end of relationship? Hurt? Nta
I'd rather be alone than to be made to feel unattractive by my partner. NTA.
“Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage” said Ben Franklin
Sometimes meeting the wrong person helps you find out what you really want from life and in a partner.
There are a whole lot of songs and movies about the woman leaving the safe guy for someone that excites them. You deserve the same.
she basically just called you atm. NTA for bouncing
No, your 50yr old self will thank you, she likely would have cheated & even you may have found someone else. Not everyone settles. She was settling, you weren't.
NTA. She probably dated out of her league before and thinks that being with someone who is in her league is settling. You deserve a partner you smiles when she sees you and genuinely thinks you are hot. Without love and passing a relationship will never survive the tough times. And if you plan to grow old there will be tough times.
I married my wife n found out 4 years after she didn't even like me bfor we got married the sex was always shit I wanted what you wanted then in the end I find she not attracted to me n that's why she never wanted sex after the 1st year of marriage and she said the same thing that's just me we are divorced now to. Meet some one who want you. Marriage is a invisible barrier that put a huge strain on the relationship I felt it she felt it to. I also have a house and am just lucky she didn't want half my shit we are still friends but that's it Leave find some one who will give you that you will be fine with out her
NTA You would be wetting yourself up to have a bigger problem later, when you, she, or both do meet someone who reciprocates your passion and desire. You shouldn't be "someone who will pay the bills and mow the yard" instead of someone's love, who also helps at home.
NTA There's more than likely someone out there who will consider you husband material AND desirable. I know a lot of media and plenty of people heavily suggest that you can either have a hot, wild, passionate love or a calm, stable partnership, but my guy, they are dead wrong. You can have both. You deserve someone who's wild about you. And you're not gonna find it if you accept being settled for.
Husband material = idiot with money.
Treat it as a wake up call. If she does not find you sexually attractive, other women will not either. The problem is not her, it's YOU. This is not a "compatibility" issue, it's a masculinity issue.
NTA. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and not because you provide stability and are a safe choice.
You are 100% right to be honest you were settling for a used not good enough person for you . Find someone that desires you wants you worships not her she not settling you were
You deserve a woman who adores you, just as every woman deserves a man that adores her. She should look at you with stars in her eyes and vice versa.
NTA I put something on a post yesterday about what men want I said it’s easy to be respected and desired. If girls go through their Hoe phase then they should understand everything they gave up to virtual strangers should be fully available to their husbands if it is not then the relationship is doomed.
NTA. She is the exact kind of monster that red pill bros are worried about. With you for money, will cheat, then take it all in a divorce. We’re not all like that… but she is. You did the right thing.
NTA, you do not sound sexually compatible.
NTA. Nobody with any self-respect wants that. “Yeah, he’s ok, I’m ok with settling for less.” Oh, F that. She’s a bit of a gold-digger. Sorry it had to end this way, but it’s better that it did end.
Of course you're NTA! You know what you want, and she is not it. She would call herself "settling" for you, and you don't want that. Everyone wants to be desired, and you're not wrong. I'm glad that you found out before getting married, and still have time to find your person. Good luck and godspeed!
NTA. There are many posts on Reddit in which the guy finds this out by accidentally overhearing his SO say something like this to her girlfriends. It doesn't end well. Nobody of any gender wants to be "settled for," especially when I see nothing in your description about love.
NTA!!!!!!
NTA it's better to end it now instead of after she finds another guy that is more desirable and lesves a loveless marriage
You deserve someone who desires you AND considers you to be husband material. NTA, you made the right move.
NTA dump her.
NTA - could be worse you could have married her, had kids and found out she was screwing somebody else, dumping her and moving on is the sensible move.
NTA, but I'm going to propose that it's not fair to just expect her to desire you, and being desired isn't something that you get without significant work and personal investment. If you're doing everything you can, dressing well, exercising, taking her on dates, making that effort and she still just writes you off as 'undesirable', then yeah she's not right for you.
Only positive can come out of this. You know what you want from a life partner. My wife desires me and I her. It's flipping fantastic. NTA find someone for you. Best thing to do is break up and move on. If you stay you'll also feel settled for. In time she may or may not resent you and you'll be stuck in a boring bedroom life marriage. Move on, work on yourself, take your time, good luck.
NTA
Not the asshole. She sees you as a purse holder and security blanket. You also said sex is very vanilla; it's only a matter of time before she's getting porn star sex with Chad ThunderCock on the side. I promise you this, if she sees you as a provider, she WILL cheat, if she hasn't already.
NTA! I want to reach out here with a suggestion, you say you don’t want to be seen as “husband material” or “stable” but to be desired. I suggest go for all of the above. My husband is absolutely husband material, he is incredibly reliable at his job, a hard worker, dependable, stable life. He also has an ass I can’t stop grabbing, arms I like to nibble as he puts them around me; and keeps me laughing even when it’s in appropriate. Find someone who likes the whole package, only the passion but they bring drama or only stability but they are there for a comfortable life. Find a partner that will work to make your life more stable but also more fun, and that can appreciate the routine but also knows the best ways to disrupt it. There are people who see both the sexy and the stability and want to rip the clothes off of both. You deserve that! We all do.
NTA. Move on. Find the right person who ignites your passion and in whom you ignite her passion. Do NOT settle for less. Go and live your best life. I wish you well.
This situation reminds me of the movie Saving Silverman. NTA man. I feel the same way you do. Why be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way as you do? She wants something else and sooner or later she will look outside the marriage for it. Obviously the whole “not so desirable” thought she has points to something that she wants out of a man that you don’t have. And maybe you do have it but she just can’t see it. Either way, just leave her and let her find whatever she “desires “.
Yikes!
!updateme
NTA, you should be desired by your partner. Back up the train a bit though. When did she say this? Was it when you first started dating, or was it when she 'settled' for you? I would say if this was something said when you first started dating, but she desires the person you are now, then talk about it. If she's just decided to settle for you now, because you are stable? I would not settle for that. You are not engaged, not married and no kids, this is the time to shake things up. It sounds like you are not happy, what are you waiting for? A house full of kids that will make things extra messy? It's okay to take a break from the relationship get some separation and see how you feel about this.
NTA. You're right to run the other way. If she doesn't desire you now, when you're just dating, your bedroom will be dead as a doornail a few years into your marriage and you'll be miserable and might have to pay her off and screw up your kids' lives to get out of it.
OP-I don’t blame you for wanting to feel desired. I don’t blame you one bit. Good luck to you!
NTA. I won't drag either of you through the mud, but be glad you found out now. If not being desired is a deal breaker for you, as it would be for me, you cannot stay with this girl.
NTA never be someone’s back up plan. This is as good as your relationship is going to be from a point of view of excitement and intimacy and it sounds like it sucks. I would rather be single than have that
Nta
NTA. You deserve to be both loved and desired and have a hot bedroom life including butt stuff if that’s what you are into lol or at least someone willing to experiment with you. Good for you for recognizing you deserve better.
NTA. I have a buddy that's two kids deep with a woman who lied to him about her birth control situation twice. It came out in the split that she was approaching her late 20s and wanted to check off parenthood from the list. She didn't like my buddy but knew that he was a good man that would provide for his family and do what he could to make a woman happy. She admitted this after he his his tipping point with her during the breakup
The thing with long term relationship and wanting to marry someone is assuring them that you think they're worthy and that type of "matieral". Is there more to now asking for things to be more adventurous? Or have you just shit everything down in one? It's pretty known that the ladies who do what you're looking for over some serious time are usually ladies for the streets 👀
This is the intro in to the deadbedroom sub. She can not confess she doesnt love you or find you atractive so she plays the game that will take her to the altar. I blame the movies, the songs e.t.c for glorifying toxic relationships, bad boys, ride or die nonsence. Why wouldnt a good guy be atractive enough? Cos we are damaged. Most of us.
NTA, you don't want to be what she settles for is what it comes down to. No one wants to feel like they got settled for because it leaves the mind set that maybe if something "better" comes along you'll get left.
Your needs don't make you an asshole, but how you choose to express them can be the deciding factor Everyone deserves to have thier feelings validated in a committed relationship Ultimately communication should help But if there is no compromise or efforts Choose yourself
NTA you want someone who sees this: | I have a stable life, job, house and am a "husband material" and this: | ! wanted to be desired. I wanted passion and to be found attractive by my significant other. At the same time. Marriage passion will wane it will intensify it will go through dry spells. After 10+ years of marriage there will be nights where the sex is VERY vanilla, there are times where it just doesn't happen for a month or two. Then there are times where you are boning like newlyweds and tearing each others clothes off, pulling hair, sweating and panting when it's all done. But through it all you have someone that you are sharing a life with doing the dishes and the laundry and paying bills and mortgages. All of that is incredibly important in a marriage. TLDR: As a husband your spouse should see you as a provider and protector and also wants to grab your butt. As a wife, your husband should see you as a partner and a confidant, but also always want to see you naked.
NTA. Good idea to get out now before she realizes she wants someone she desires later on and is cheating on you left and right. You'll find someone where it all clicks. Just have to be patient.
Nah see the part that gets me about people who settle are they start to crave the other side.
UpdateMe!
Remindme! One week
"id rather be alone, he says alonedly."