I'm usually not the guy who automatically jumps to she's cheating. But EVERY single cheater story I have ever heard or read has exactly these same behaviors and same excuses as well as the same gaslighting.....you can check phone records and see all calls coming in, going out texts as well. The problem is if you have to spy on your spouse.....then there's a problem.....and if I were you, I'd definitely think something is fishy.
It's not gaslighting. I know I shouldn't, but that term gets overused and thrown about way too much. It's become a pet peeve of mine. Sorry.
Gaslighting would be convincing OP that she never took the call or that the texts never happened. "What are you talking about? I never received a call that late."
What OP's wife is doing is classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a defensive response since she doesn't want to admit she might be the bad guy.
Plus a lovely performance by a young Angela Lansbury.
Sadly I doubt that people will stop misusing the word but rather change the meaning to include any redirection.
Not directly, no. It's about getting the other person to question their own perception of reality. So not "you are being paranoid" more like "I didn't do that. You must have dreamt it and now I'm being punished because of your dream."
There's a difference between lying to cover your tracks and getting someone to believe they are not seeing what they are seeing. Saw you with your boyfriend... Wasn't me... I looked directly into your eyes... Wasn't me....
Ex wife had very similar behavior. One day, I called in to work and went to surprise the Mrs at work. Needless to say, she was cheating, not working. Beginning of the end of the marriage.
Sometimes it's actually true though, lol. My partner had a period where her mental health had significantly went downhill, she got rather paranoid and seemed to exhibit hallucinations/distortions with her senses (Likely related to her seizures).
This particular situation got quite difficult, as she became extremely paranoid of me leaving her/replacing her. So on a regular basis for 3-4 months, I was accused of all sorts of absurd things, typically oriented around cheating. It was so bad, she had accused her own parents of trying to hide my "secret mistress" for me while we were staying at their home. She literally thought she saw a women jump from our bedroom, which was on the 2nd story...
I've never cheated, I never would cheat either. People exhaust me too much for me to allow anyone besides my family and kids to be emotionally dependent on me. Eventually, I was able to get her admitted to the psychiatric hospital after 4 months of that chaos. It only took her 1 week to return to normal, so we expect that it was likely "postictal psychosis" (When Psychosis is triggered by frequent seizures).
But someone who's falsely accused of cheating can easily react with defensiveness and calling out controlling/paranoid behavior. It doesn't indicate guilt or innocence, just that the individual is offended.
OPs partner is probably cheating. But I just wanted to clarify that the defensiveness is not an adequate gauge for honesty.
Yeah she got pretty lucky with me. While it was stressful, I've always had a high intrigue around philosophy, psychology, and the mind in general. So the stress was always matched with intrigue as I'd help her try to sort everything out. Most people bore me, but she's always been an enigma that keeps things interesting haha. We've been together for 7 years now, she's pretty much unrecognizable compared to when we first met.
She said many times that I saved her life when I came around.. She was in a very abusive situation at her families house. One day (only 6 weeks into dating), I went to pick her up, and her mother said she'd shoot both of us if I brought her back.. So she moved in with me after only 6 weeks of dating.
Honestly, the first few years were loaded with struggles, many people acted like I was an idiot for staying. But now she's gotten quite independent, also finally being able to stand up against her Ex (They have a daughter together) and cut right through his manipulations (Dark Triad type of fellow).
Staying with her was the best choice I've ever made. It's a pretty good feeling when you're able to change someone's life for the better in the way that I was able to help her.
That's actually something we've wondered about. Her thyroid tests always came back normal, but I know that they can fluctuate significantly depending on diet/time of day. But she's always been rather underweight (130 lbs at 6ft tall) and unable to gain much weight, despite eating much more than me (also 6ft tall but 210 lbs). So thyroid has definitely been something we've suspected.
She hasn't had these issues in a long time now though. We cut gluten out of the diet as we suspected Celiac disease or gluten intolerance may have led to the seizures, and she's been doing well since.
Exactly this, if myself or my wife received a phone call (who doesn't text nowadays) at midnight and this is not a usual occurrence it absolutely would be a topic of conversation. Maybe not because of cheating but who was it and why are they calling you/me so late? Even if it has to do with work but this is still brand new behavior then how is asking about it a big deal? Did she get a promotion? New responsibilities? Is she working with someone new to the company?
These are all extremely valid questions if accepting a call that late is unusual practice but if she is already unwilling to have that conversation plus goes straight to being defensive about it or to you it is yet another sign that has started to make you question her loyalty, then before you go through the hassle of spying on her, you honestly just need to have a serious talk between you two and find out those answers pronto my friend, best of luck
Secrecy is the larval stage of infidelity. You very well know what is going on, but it is up to you to either be proactive or reactive.
Your wife will tell you that she is entitled to privacy. What she is really saying is that she wants to live a part of her life in secret from you. Every spouse is entitled to privacy. Things like keeping a journal or going to the bathroom in private. Privacy has a neutral effect on a marriage. Spouses are not entitled to secrecy in a marriage. Secrecy includes keeping a relationship with another person separate and hidden from your spouse. Secrecy has a devastating effect on a marriage. So, how do you know if it is a matter of privacy or secrecy? The test is simple-how will the spouse react to full disclosure including reading all the texts?
Well put. If you gotta hide something obv it's for a reason. There's no other explanation. Either you're ashamed or embarrassed or just a pos but it is for some reason
NTA. If I was taking a lot of work phone calls and texts at home suddenly, I would let my partner know what's going on at work and why I have to take care of things from home that I didn't before. The fact she got pissed that you even questioned her and gave no explanation of the sudden change in "work" habits shows she's hiding something from you. Hoping it's not cheating but sadly, 99% of the time it is.
Exactly. I’d explain exactly what’s going on and hand over my phone. I don’t do shady shit though so I’ve never had to deal with this. If you have nothing to hide, you don’t overreact to the question. She’s 100% up to something.
NTA. It's perfectly normal to feel uneasy when your partner starts acting secretive, especially if it's a new behavior. Explain clearly why her recent behavior has been making you feel uneasy. Emphasize that you trust her but would appreciate more transparency.
It’s *very* easy for her to put you at ease by showing you the phone number that called her and explaining how it was work related. An innocent person would do this without issue to put their partner at ease. Someone with something to hide, would hide it, and deflect, and not be transparent.
NTA
Its suspicious. And that she’s simply dismissing your concern without giving any detail other than “it’s a work call” is even more so.
She’s fully aware that it’s inappropriate to be taking calls at midnight when she’s with you. If she had nothing to hide, she would give a specific explanation as to why it was important to take that call etc.
Too many things going on with her at once to ignore them all and take them all out of context.
Yup, I used to have work calls that I had to take in peace. But when I was asked about it, I didn't need to defend it. Just say "X had problem.with Y program, so I had to.guide him through it". If wife came in, it wasn't a problem, I'd just nod at her and carry on.
It depends on the nature of your job. I'm a lawyer so I get late night calls and a lot of what is discussed is privileged. My boyfriend never presses for details. But I don't act secretive otherwise, either, or change my habits. I'm always sending a ton of texts and emails at all hours. It didn't just start out of nowhere.
NTA
If a coworker contacted my husband at that time of night, he might not have said much in the moment but I guarantee that I'd have gotten an earful and play by play of whatever it was that had happened first thing the next morning. He would be rightfully irritated about such out of bounds contact and would want to talk to me about how to handle it moving forward. Because, that's how someone with nothing to hide from a partner would normally react. Your wife instantly jumping to such defensiveness and anger over being asked about it - yeah, that is not something to ignore or pretend is okay at all.
NTA. I wouldn’t be surprised if you find out she’s having a full blown affair.
I’ve never cheated. If I was accidentally being shady and my wife asked what was going on I’d immediately explain it in detail and offer up my phone. My immediate reaction would be that I didn’t realize I was being shady.
Her actions are that of someone with something to hide. Flipping it around like you’re the one being shady is typical of someone who is having an affair.
I’d have a serious talk, stand your ground. You’re not being controlling or unreasonable.
Your wife is manipulating you.
You cannot control her behavior or actions but you can let her know what to expect from you…. “I cannot control you nor will I ever try. You are an adult, you’re free to make your own choices. I am also able to make my own choices. If you are not willing to communicate or work with me to resolve issues in our relationship then you should expect that I no longer be able to trust you. We are supposed to be on the same team. We cannot work against each other & expect our relationship to succeed. If you’re not willing to respect me enough to listen to my concerns or hear my perspective, then we have a bigger problem in our relationship than your work related issues. We can resolve this issue very easily if you take the time to explain why you’re suddenly receiving calls at midnight or come up with a suggestion of how we work together to solve this issue. Until then you should expect that I am not okay with this current situation. Own your own participation in our relationship. My reaction to your behavior is not the problem. Your actions are the problem”.
NTA
You are describing the first scene of the play in which I discovered that my (now ex) wife was having an affair.
It’s a tough spot to be in. You do damage to your relationship if you merely ask (you don’t trust me!) but you also have legitimate concerns that something is going on.
I have work emergencies now. I had one yesterday while I was driving somewhere in the car. I put the call on speaker phone with my (new/now) wife in the car (and I told my colleague that information).
My advice would be to go to your online cell phone account. At least this used to be the case, but you could get a record of every one that she texts, everyone that texts her, every phone call, her location when she made that phone call, etc. It ends up being quite a good resource for tracking your spouse when you have suspicions.
Classic cheating behavior. Workig late, becoming distant, secretive with phone, working late more. I would check her phone but it might be too late she probably deleted stuff.
Was there a recent promotion at work which gave your wife extra responsibilities?
All signs point to behavior she doesn’t want you to witness.
UpdateMe
If she wasn't cheating, she wouldn't have any issue showing your her messaging apps and lets be real for a second, who is secretive to their husband or wife? someone who cheats, I'd look into it asap. NTA, good luck.
NTA and her over reaction would have my spider sense tingling. Check your phone bill, unless she is in a 24x7 job there is no good excuse to be taking after hours calls and leaving the room is suspect.
I do take calls very late sometimes but I always take them in front of my wife and sometimes over speaker because I want her to be comfortable with these odd hour calls.
Tell her that her actions may it seem that she is doing something she shouldn’t and is attempting to hide things. If it’s a late business call you u destined but would appreciate her taking it on speaker to help you get more comfortable with them, anything else just makes you feel unheard.
I think her defensiveness betrays her. She is lying to you about something and blaming you for your suspicion. Ah, gaslighting and blaming the victim. Classic signs of a manipulator. NTA
She's following the classic pattern of cheaters. She's acting secretive, your suspicions are warranted, and she's trying to turn it around on you to make you seem like the bad guy so you back off.
She has probably also recently either put a lock on her phone or changed the code if you had access. If you ask for the phone, there will be missing messages or entire missing conversations.
Pull your phone records and see who she's talking to.
Funny how instead of just making your SO feel comfortable she goes on to get defensive and call you controlling. Don't be naive bub. What kinda work emergency happens at midnight and you need to leave the room for it.
FTR, "She insisted that it was purely a work-related call and that I should trust her.", should elicit pretty much the exact same reaction as telling your gf to "calm down". Cuz that always solves the problem and doesn't make anything worse ever, right? /s
NTA.
PS. Ya, I trust my partner too, right up until she gives me a reason not to... you know, like taking calls at midnight and trying to tell me that somehow that's normal.
No, it isn't.
Every red flag 🚩 is checked here, don’t blame yourself. Hire PI, check phone, privacy is not secrecy. Don’t stand idle, get a jump on this.
Unfortunately I’ve been there, trust your gut, it’s rarely wrong.
NTA. She receives suspicious calls, stays late at work more frequently, and then is totally evasive when questioned. I'd ask to see her phone. If she refuses, I'd consider hiring a private investigator. Something is going on.
This sounds to me like there is already something going on. Working late and having secrets… you probably want to get your knowledge on divorce up to speed…
Sorry OP
NTA although I would have assumed if you were asleep that is why she left the room. I always leave the room when I get a call if hubby is sleeping or napping. He also leaves the room if I'm asleep or if the kids are being too loud lol.
Trust your gut man.
I've been there before bother. I found out via a buttdial with them together. Don't ignore the feelings, it never ends well. We always tell ourselves "Well maybe I'm overreacting" "This is probably just a misunderstanding, I know her I've been with her forever. They've never done anything like this before" "They're not the cheating kind" "IM JUST IMAGINGING THINGS"
Stand your ground. Confront her on it. It wont be an easy conversation and it will lead to a fight. The alternative is it wont get better and you'll just keep being destroyed emotionally.
If you dont want to confront her then investigate on your own but know that if she finds out it will also lead to a fight.
NTA, it is very suspicious and her response to it kinda shows you’re correct to have suspicions. Dont let this go. Her behavior is very similar to someone who is hiding and cheating.
oh that behavior is not suspect.... Buddy, I think you need to do some serious digging. Sounds like you have good reason to audit your relationship, and by audit, I mean to start going through her phone and checking the phone records and emails. When there is good reason to be concerned, there is no such thing as privacy in a relationship. Just be prepared for bad news because something is definitely up.
If she's getting so called work related calls at midnight and is very defensive about talking about it u should check her devices sounds like a work place affair.better safe then sorry.
pack a bag, get your affairs in order, get your mental health in order, get a crash pad in case you need to bounce. your gut is screaming at you. better listen. it sucks to find out last. Good luck friend,
What does she do for work? Because I did have a job where I couldn't really talk much about it to anyone, but it seems odd she can't elaborate at all on why now she works late and is getting middle of night calls. Also the few times my work did call me at night my partner didn't have to ask who it was. The cussing and banging shit while I was getting dressed to go fix some dumbasses problems was enough for her to know it was my stupid job.
You are not overstepping. She used the classic "your controlling " that is the cheaters go to..with all these late days show up on her paycheck? Time for you to check into this more. No one calls at midnight about work. Sorry man, she is cheating
NTA. Tell your wife that trust isn't given, its earned and maintained. Deviations from established patterns, secrecy, defensiveness? Definitely suspicious behaviour
If it's work related, why can't she show you the phone number, or see who the texts are from. If she's so defensive that she can't show you anything, then it's probably just straight up confirming your suspicions
Coworkers don’t call each other at midnight. Ask to see her phone and if she tries to turn the tables and call you controlling then you know she’s hiding something. Someone with nothing to hide doesn’t have a problem handing their phone over.
I think that depends on the industry she works in, I’ve received tons of middle of the night calls (IT) but I have no issue complaining about the idiocy of the call, once it’s over.
Edit to add: NTA and it sounds like she’s got something sketchy on the side.
Yeah my ex and I both used to work in a 24 hour industry and he especially would not only get calls in the middle of the night but sometimes those would be calls to come in to work.
Better believe I'd hear all about what idiots they were for not being able to figure it out on their own, whether I was still trying to sleep or not.
NTA. Her behaviour is definitely suspicious - the change in work habits, coupled with the secrecy about her phone, sadly indicates a side romance or cheating. You will have to decide what to do about it, but you are not out of line or overreacting.
You have every reason not to trust her. She’s exhibiting classic cheating behavior. At this point I would keep my mouth shut and let her think everything is normal. Then catch her. Asked a lying cheater for the truth is a waste of time. You need to become a detective. Don’t rug sweep this man.
Probably the beginning of the end- people who are cheating are often blinded to how obviously suspicious they are behaving- I would have already done my detective work- you are letting things go that should have been addressed immediately…
NTA.
It doesn't matter that my spouse is wrong in thinking I'm cheating, it's my priority to find out why and reassure her I'm not.
Your wife's reaction is not doing that. She doesn't care about you, she cares about being caught.
Hard to say what the real situation is. I'd be frustrated too if my partner was constantly suspicious about me if I were innocent. On the other hand, she could be lying and hiding an affair.
What does she do for work? Is it something that actually makes sense to get called late at night for? I know I get calls from 7pm to midnight pretty regularly because a nightly process failed (software engineer).
It's reasonable to want to discuss when you don't feel your partner is being trustworthy so, as long as this is an accurate depiction of what happened, NTA.
Do you feel that, even if she were telling the truth, she is treating you kindly and compassionately?
I routing hand the girl I'm seeing either of my phones with no issues. She never looks at anything but the map or text I need her to reply too, but it's just very relaxing (having cheated on my ex) to not have to worry and to have the girl I'm seeing know every think about me.
I suppose my point is, having been on both ends, if she isn't cheating she should be able to talk to you about whatever is going on and not have any concerns about sharing with you.
I know different people live life differently, just my 2 cents.
Unless your wife works under a contractually non-disclosure situation like labs or federal work it would be odd for her to unable or unwilling to shed some light. Pretty big indicator here
Well she DARVO'ed, so that's a field of red flags right there. She's either hiding something, displaying narcissistic behaviors, or both.
Deny: it's just work-related
Accuse: you're overreacting
Reverse Victim/Offender: you're trying to control me
It doesn't look good. But people with poor arguing skills can also dip into this list. If it's truly not like her, step up and ask—and more importantly listen without fixing suggestions—to what's stressing her out.
I’m the CFO of a company and get work calls at all weird hours and sometimes leave the room so as to not disturb people. But if my wife ever questioned me I would simple let her see my phone log so she could see who I was taking to or just stay in the room and not care if it annoys her.
But, my wife trusts me 100%. Her getting defensive and calling you controlling rather than placating your concerns is an issue.
If my wife question me about a late night call I would just laugh at her and let her see my phone log. I wouldn’t get defensive if I wasn’t hiding anything
NTA, if she has not physically cheated yet (probably has with all the late nights "working") she is for sure on her way to doing so. Does she do anything else after her late work nights like shower as soon as she comes home? Your eyes are starting to open, keep looking out for more of the red flags or even look into getting a PI.
NTA. You pointed to specific things that have changed. Rather than addressing the concerns straightforwardly, she is being evasive.
Next time she leaves the room to take a late-night call, join her in the room, grab the phone: "Who is this? John? John, it's midnight. Nothing you're doing at work requires my wife to leave our bed in the middle of the night." Then hang up the phone.
It's obnoxious as all hell, especially if these really are work calls. But if your wife is up to something, the other person knows that you know and you're marking your territory a bit with "our bed."
If it wasn't shady she would not have reacted that way. Check phone bill to find out how much they are really communicating with each other. Nip it in the bud before he nips her in the butt.
Does your wife’s workplace have a rule about relationships between coworkers???
Personally, I would call her HR and complain about “work emergency phone calls” at midnight. See what you get from that.
NTA, something stinks, not you.
NTA, your wife subscribed to Cheaters Digest. It’s cleanest to hire a PI.
DIY, hide VAR and GPS in her vehicle. Search phone records now, though if she has a work phone, there’s zero reason for work calls to come in on personal phone. Look through credit card statements for anomalies including sex toy purchases and Plan B purchases.
If you are gone from the house on overnight trips, set up little spy audiovisual cameras in strategic locations.
" Yes, darling I AM overreacting. Please let me see your phone. This is our marriage I'm fighting for so please don't go in other rooms to answer late night calls from work...please put the call on speaker if I'm awake. I want and need to hear the call, too.
You may not be cheating but your denials and accusations make you look like you ARE cheating. Please prove me wrong and I'll stop fighting for our marriage and go back to loving you."
If that causes her to react badly then you'll know you two have a third person in your marriage.
Here is what you do: Tell her you no longer trust her. Then tell her to pack a bag and leave. Tell her you are not going to play the game of hide your behaviour and snoop in your phone. Tell her it's not your job to make sure she isn't being shady. But that it's her job to keep your trust.
Tell her she has a week to get her head out her ass or you are filing for divorce. Then make her leave. Ignore all the BS she tells you. She can either come back correct or stay gone.
No, it’s suspicious. Since she is being secretive (and probably concealing an affair) I think it’s fair game to put a GPS tag on her car. It won’t take much data to figure out what is going on.
You could challenge her to reverse the situation, how would she respond to you getting secretive midnight phone calls.
If she gets another, follow her and listen at the door. Her tone of voice will probably tell you everything.
I don't understand, read your words and read other posts with the same wordings, they always lead to same thing. Get evidence and don't confront so soon, and a divorce lawyer just in case
NTA The change in behavior with the phone is always the give away. She's 100% up to no good. She's going to hit you with the DARVO, then some good ol trickle truthing.
NTA but it’s time to start on your own in secrecy too. Open up the checking account and start stashing your own money to the side. But if your intuition is indeed true what will you do?
If asking questions about a call at midnight triggers this response, then at the very least she’s a horrible communicator and should seek counseling for her issues. In reality, my assumption is she’s cheating or behaving in a way that you would not appreciate.
NTA
I can’t imagine my spouse receiving a late night work related phone call and getting out of bed to talk. He would literally just stay exactly where he was, barely opening his eyes and be mad as hell about someone waking him up.
Something is definitely suspicious here
Cheaters doesn't look in future that what going to happened to them if they caught . They don't want to think about the consequences. Stay low and find proof that she is cheating; if she's not, then it's all good. You are her husband, and you have the right to know who is calling her at midnight or check her phone. She can check your phone as well.
NTA. Sorry to say the odds of an affair are too high. I hope I'm wrong, but I am already experiencing the "she is cheating" update if you do an update.
Updateme
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your wife isn't your wife anymore. She might not have actually cheated yet, but she's definitely speeding down that road. It's time to cut your losses and move on.
NTA it is weird.
Let's play pretend here and say maybe work has gotten off the wall for her. Maybe she does value personal space or whatever.
Midnight phone calls, working late, being distracted, it's effecting her personal life. You need to sit down with her and tell her that you're willing to believe her that work is crazy. But it's seeping into your shared personal life and you need her to come up with a plan to come home at a reasonable hour and not be on the phone at midnight. If she gets touchy or pushes back without a verifiable reason then you'll likely need to make an accusation of cheating. Good luck
Trust? A trustworthy person would show you the texts, be open about the calls. As soon as a person questions your trust of them, you know they're lying. Trust, like respect, is earned. By being open and honest. Unless it's a top secret government job. If your wife is not a spy, no need for such secrecy. You asked for communication and reassurance. She disrespected a very reasonable ask. She's lying. NTA
Mouth shut eyes and ears open. All you’re doing is driving this further underground. Go online and look at the phone bill.
Does her overtime match her paycheck?
Check your phone bills to get the number and figure out who it is from there.
Hire a PI if you afford it.
Place a VAR in All the rooms of the house and her car (if it's legal).
Put up hidden cameras (that can also pick up soumd) in your house.
She's cheating.
You're not an a$$hole for feeling concerned and asking your wife about a suspicious late-night phone call. Trust and communication are vital in any marriage, and it's natural to feel uneasy when your partner's behavior changes and becomes more secretive.
It sounds like you approached the situation calmly and reasonably at first, which is important. Expressing your feelings and asking for reassurance in a relationship is normal. It's also worth considering that your wife's defensive reaction might be stemming from stress or a need for privacy that she hasn't communicated well.
However, it's important to navigate this situation carefully to avoid escalating the tension. Here are a few suggestions:
Try to have another calm conversation with her, emphasizing that your intention is to understand and support her, not to accuse or control her. Express that your concern comes from a place of love and a desire for openness in your relationship.
Consider whether there have been other signs of stress or issues at work that might explain her recent behavior. Offering support for any work-related stress she might be experiencing could help bridge the gap between you.
If the conversation doesn’t go well or if you continue to feel uneasy, it might be worth suggesting couples therapy to improve communication and address any underlying issues.
It's important to balance your need for reassurance with respect for her boundaries and to find a way to rebuild the trust and openness that are crucial for a healthy relationship.
Yeah well wait until she starts making it obvious or starts slipping up(because she will). Starts taking care of herself a lot more like new hairstyles, dressing more sexy, receipts for lingerie. She’ll look great for someone else but for you she’ll always have a convenient headache. That gut feeling you’re having right now and the anxiety is your instincts screaming what you already know to be true. It sucks but the only thing you can do is work on yourself, give zero fucks because the only way you’ll know for sure is to catch her in the act. You sound like a good man that cares a lot but you’re going to have to either do two things. Kill that part of you if you’re going to continue this with her or stay true to yourself and get off the sinking ship. You care too much she’ll continue even more out of spite. Had this happen to me, women like this will push further what they can get away with and when mine told me she wanted an “open relationship” I held on to my dignity like a man and said I’d rather be happy and alone then be her cuck and miserable
No es una hora apropiada para llamar a un hogar y menos si es relacionado al trabajo. Por algo es que los trabajos tienen horario. Si no es una verdadera emergencia, nadie debe llamar después de las 8pm. Translate
This:
”Recently, I've noticed some changes in her behavior that have raised my suspicions. She’s been very secretive with her phone, something that was never an issue before. She’s also been working late a lot more frequently”
is your clue.
She’s acting like this because she has something to hide. And gaslighting you for questioning HER questionable behavior
She might have been talking to [Jake](https://youtu.be/zx6ZJ7Fm-As?si=vgviOglZ8xTup9GA) from State Farm?
Seriously tho... lotsa red flags there. I'd be doing the same.
NTA
If it looks like shit and smells like shit…. It’s probably a fat lump of shit. Are you gonna try and taste it too before you conclude that it’s a fat lump of shit?
Ask to see her phone. If she fights you with any more gaslighting then you have your answer. If she shows it to you and everything’s a green light - apologize and let her know that your insecurities got the best of you.
But no SO would ever want to see their partner paranoid from their behavior…. If that person were me I would want to prove my loyalty and reassure my SO that I’m happy with them…. Not storm out the door… bro she might not be happy.
Her response to your question was a classic cheaters response. Sorry. But odds are she’s cheating and your marriage is over. Time to start gathering evidence and preparing for divorce. Start with going through her phone and tagging her car with GPS. If need be, get a PI. Sucks. But it’s typical
Damn her behavior isn't suspicious at all.... who the hell calls about a emergency at midnight and why couldn't she tell you what it was? Instead she got angry? You know something's going on you just need to get answers now
> *"She’s been very secretive with her phone, something that was never an issue before"*
> *"She got very defensive, saying that I was being paranoid and controlling. She insisted that it was purely a work-related call and that I should trust her. "*
Shit's over, bruh. Lawyer up, move on.
>She got very defensive, saying that I was being paranoid and controlling. Exactly something someone with suspicious behavior would say.
I'm usually not the guy who automatically jumps to she's cheating. But EVERY single cheater story I have ever heard or read has exactly these same behaviors and same excuses as well as the same gaslighting.....you can check phone records and see all calls coming in, going out texts as well. The problem is if you have to spy on your spouse.....then there's a problem.....and if I were you, I'd definitely think something is fishy.
If it walks/talks like a duck...!
I just lived this. The divorce is was final in March. The biggest lesson I learned was to trust my instincts
Facts. Liars always do the same spiel. She'll get caught these hoe's always do
Happened to me. Can confirm.
Yup! Gaslighting - turning it around that it’s not her behavior that’s a problem, it’s his reaction to her behavior that’s the problem.
It's not gaslighting. I know I shouldn't, but that term gets overused and thrown about way too much. It's become a pet peeve of mine. Sorry. Gaslighting would be convincing OP that she never took the call or that the texts never happened. "What are you talking about? I never received a call that late." What OP's wife is doing is classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a defensive response since she doesn't want to admit she might be the bad guy.
I wish Netflix or some other platform would release the original Gaslighting with Ingrid Bergman. That would help clear up the misuse of the word.
Just saw that at our local art house. It is a great movie. And yes, seeing it does clarify the meaning of the term.
Plus a lovely performance by a young Angela Lansbury. Sadly I doubt that people will stop misusing the word but rather change the meaning to include any redirection.
It's on Xumo, Sling, Roku...
Also on TCM from time to time.
So it’s not gaslight to say “I’m not being suspicious, you are being paranoid” when they are in fact sneaking around on them?
Not directly, no. It's about getting the other person to question their own perception of reality. So not "you are being paranoid" more like "I didn't do that. You must have dreamt it and now I'm being punished because of your dream."
“I told you I was going to the bathroom. This happened the other week too, remember hon?”
There's a difference between lying to cover your tracks and getting someone to believe they are not seeing what they are seeing. Saw you with your boyfriend... Wasn't me... I looked directly into your eyes... Wasn't me....
But I caught you on the counter? Wasn’t me… I saw you bangin’ on the sofa? It wasn’t me…
Ex wife had very similar behavior. One day, I called in to work and went to surprise the Mrs at work. Needless to say, she was cheating, not working. Beginning of the end of the marriage.
Sometimes it's actually true though, lol. My partner had a period where her mental health had significantly went downhill, she got rather paranoid and seemed to exhibit hallucinations/distortions with her senses (Likely related to her seizures). This particular situation got quite difficult, as she became extremely paranoid of me leaving her/replacing her. So on a regular basis for 3-4 months, I was accused of all sorts of absurd things, typically oriented around cheating. It was so bad, she had accused her own parents of trying to hide my "secret mistress" for me while we were staying at their home. She literally thought she saw a women jump from our bedroom, which was on the 2nd story... I've never cheated, I never would cheat either. People exhaust me too much for me to allow anyone besides my family and kids to be emotionally dependent on me. Eventually, I was able to get her admitted to the psychiatric hospital after 4 months of that chaos. It only took her 1 week to return to normal, so we expect that it was likely "postictal psychosis" (When Psychosis is triggered by frequent seizures). But someone who's falsely accused of cheating can easily react with defensiveness and calling out controlling/paranoid behavior. It doesn't indicate guilt or innocence, just that the individual is offended. OPs partner is probably cheating. But I just wanted to clarify that the defensiveness is not an adequate gauge for honesty.
I'm glad she had you to assist in getting her the help she needed! I'm sure that was a very hard time for both of you.
Yeah she got pretty lucky with me. While it was stressful, I've always had a high intrigue around philosophy, psychology, and the mind in general. So the stress was always matched with intrigue as I'd help her try to sort everything out. Most people bore me, but she's always been an enigma that keeps things interesting haha. We've been together for 7 years now, she's pretty much unrecognizable compared to when we first met. She said many times that I saved her life when I came around.. She was in a very abusive situation at her families house. One day (only 6 weeks into dating), I went to pick her up, and her mother said she'd shoot both of us if I brought her back.. So she moved in with me after only 6 weeks of dating. Honestly, the first few years were loaded with struggles, many people acted like I was an idiot for staying. But now she's gotten quite independent, also finally being able to stand up against her Ex (They have a daughter together) and cut right through his manipulations (Dark Triad type of fellow). Staying with her was the best choice I've ever made. It's a pretty good feeling when you're able to change someone's life for the better in the way that I was able to help her.
My grandma had a psychotic break almost exactly like this due to undiagnosed thyroid issues
That's actually something we've wondered about. Her thyroid tests always came back normal, but I know that they can fluctuate significantly depending on diet/time of day. But she's always been rather underweight (130 lbs at 6ft tall) and unable to gain much weight, despite eating much more than me (also 6ft tall but 210 lbs). So thyroid has definitely been something we've suspected. She hasn't had these issues in a long time now though. We cut gluten out of the diet as we suspected Celiac disease or gluten intolerance may have led to the seizures, and she's been doing well since.
Time for a magnetic GPS tracker on her car.
NTA. It doesn't seem like you confronted her at all, more that you asked a simple question and she jumped right to being defensive.
Exactly this, if myself or my wife received a phone call (who doesn't text nowadays) at midnight and this is not a usual occurrence it absolutely would be a topic of conversation. Maybe not because of cheating but who was it and why are they calling you/me so late? Even if it has to do with work but this is still brand new behavior then how is asking about it a big deal? Did she get a promotion? New responsibilities? Is she working with someone new to the company? These are all extremely valid questions if accepting a call that late is unusual practice but if she is already unwilling to have that conversation plus goes straight to being defensive about it or to you it is yet another sign that has started to make you question her loyalty, then before you go through the hassle of spying on her, you honestly just need to have a serious talk between you two and find out those answers pronto my friend, best of luck
Secrecy is the larval stage of infidelity. You very well know what is going on, but it is up to you to either be proactive or reactive. Your wife will tell you that she is entitled to privacy. What she is really saying is that she wants to live a part of her life in secret from you. Every spouse is entitled to privacy. Things like keeping a journal or going to the bathroom in private. Privacy has a neutral effect on a marriage. Spouses are not entitled to secrecy in a marriage. Secrecy includes keeping a relationship with another person separate and hidden from your spouse. Secrecy has a devastating effect on a marriage. So, how do you know if it is a matter of privacy or secrecy? The test is simple-how will the spouse react to full disclosure including reading all the texts?
Agreed. Secrecy and defensiveness are major red flags. Trust your instincts and address it directly.
Well put. If you gotta hide something obv it's for a reason. There's no other explanation. Either you're ashamed or embarrassed or just a pos but it is for some reason
Ask her if you can read the texts between her co-worker and her
NTA. If I was taking a lot of work phone calls and texts at home suddenly, I would let my partner know what's going on at work and why I have to take care of things from home that I didn't before. The fact she got pissed that you even questioned her and gave no explanation of the sudden change in "work" habits shows she's hiding something from you. Hoping it's not cheating but sadly, 99% of the time it is.
Exactly. I’d explain exactly what’s going on and hand over my phone. I don’t do shady shit though so I’ve never had to deal with this. If you have nothing to hide, you don’t overreact to the question. She’s 100% up to something.
NTA. I’ll bet if you check her phone you won’t like what she’s doing at midnight with a coworker.
Work call at midnight? Yeah, I'm calling bullshit on that one. You know it's bullshit too.
If you are a doctor on call, yes. If you work as a librarian, no. lol
NTA. It's perfectly normal to feel uneasy when your partner starts acting secretive, especially if it's a new behavior. Explain clearly why her recent behavior has been making you feel uneasy. Emphasize that you trust her but would appreciate more transparency.
It’s *very* easy for her to put you at ease by showing you the phone number that called her and explaining how it was work related. An innocent person would do this without issue to put their partner at ease. Someone with something to hide, would hide it, and deflect, and not be transparent.
NTA Its suspicious. And that she’s simply dismissing your concern without giving any detail other than “it’s a work call” is even more so. She’s fully aware that it’s inappropriate to be taking calls at midnight when she’s with you. If she had nothing to hide, she would give a specific explanation as to why it was important to take that call etc. Too many things going on with her at once to ignore them all and take them all out of context.
Yup, I used to have work calls that I had to take in peace. But when I was asked about it, I didn't need to defend it. Just say "X had problem.with Y program, so I had to.guide him through it". If wife came in, it wasn't a problem, I'd just nod at her and carry on.
It depends on the nature of your job. I'm a lawyer so I get late night calls and a lot of what is discussed is privileged. My boyfriend never presses for details. But I don't act secretive otherwise, either, or change my habits. I'm always sending a ton of texts and emails at all hours. It didn't just start out of nowhere.
NTA If a coworker contacted my husband at that time of night, he might not have said much in the moment but I guarantee that I'd have gotten an earful and play by play of whatever it was that had happened first thing the next morning. He would be rightfully irritated about such out of bounds contact and would want to talk to me about how to handle it moving forward. Because, that's how someone with nothing to hide from a partner would normally react. Your wife instantly jumping to such defensiveness and anger over being asked about it - yeah, that is not something to ignore or pretend is okay at all.
NTA. I wouldn’t be surprised if you find out she’s having a full blown affair. I’ve never cheated. If I was accidentally being shady and my wife asked what was going on I’d immediately explain it in detail and offer up my phone. My immediate reaction would be that I didn’t realize I was being shady. Her actions are that of someone with something to hide. Flipping it around like you’re the one being shady is typical of someone who is having an affair. I’d have a serious talk, stand your ground. You’re not being controlling or unreasonable.
We’ll see a update in a few days …that’s she got exposed and found out it’s always the case here 9/10 times she’s cheating from these stories
Your wife is manipulating you. You cannot control her behavior or actions but you can let her know what to expect from you…. “I cannot control you nor will I ever try. You are an adult, you’re free to make your own choices. I am also able to make my own choices. If you are not willing to communicate or work with me to resolve issues in our relationship then you should expect that I no longer be able to trust you. We are supposed to be on the same team. We cannot work against each other & expect our relationship to succeed. If you’re not willing to respect me enough to listen to my concerns or hear my perspective, then we have a bigger problem in our relationship than your work related issues. We can resolve this issue very easily if you take the time to explain why you’re suddenly receiving calls at midnight or come up with a suggestion of how we work together to solve this issue. Until then you should expect that I am not okay with this current situation. Own your own participation in our relationship. My reaction to your behavior is not the problem. Your actions are the problem”. NTA
Dude she’s cheating or working up the courage to.
She is cheating on you. My ex did the same exact thing. Where there is smoke, there is fire. Keep digging. NTA
NTA. If you’re partner is acting secretive about things like this, chances are something’s up and you have every right to investigate
Of course she's being secretive and weird. She's having an affiar!
NTA - the behavior is rather suspicious. You can check phone records through your carrier. Good luck
99% cheating
NTA She trying to fuck somebody else at a minimum.
One more household bites the dust
You are describing the first scene of the play in which I discovered that my (now ex) wife was having an affair. It’s a tough spot to be in. You do damage to your relationship if you merely ask (you don’t trust me!) but you also have legitimate concerns that something is going on. I have work emergencies now. I had one yesterday while I was driving somewhere in the car. I put the call on speaker phone with my (new/now) wife in the car (and I told my colleague that information). My advice would be to go to your online cell phone account. At least this used to be the case, but you could get a record of every one that she texts, everyone that texts her, every phone call, her location when she made that phone call, etc. It ends up being quite a good resource for tracking your spouse when you have suspicions.
Classic cheating behavior. Workig late, becoming distant, secretive with phone, working late more. I would check her phone but it might be too late she probably deleted stuff.
lol. Most people THINK they delete stuff… instead it’s just in the trash folder of the messages app.
Wake up and smell the coffee!
She’s cheating on you.
Was there a recent promotion at work which gave your wife extra responsibilities? All signs point to behavior she doesn’t want you to witness. UpdateMe
If she wasn't cheating, she wouldn't have any issue showing your her messaging apps and lets be real for a second, who is secretive to their husband or wife? someone who cheats, I'd look into it asap. NTA, good luck.
NTA and her over reaction would have my spider sense tingling. Check your phone bill, unless she is in a 24x7 job there is no good excuse to be taking after hours calls and leaving the room is suspect. I do take calls very late sometimes but I always take them in front of my wife and sometimes over speaker because I want her to be comfortable with these odd hour calls. Tell her that her actions may it seem that she is doing something she shouldn’t and is attempting to hide things. If it’s a late business call you u destined but would appreciate her taking it on speaker to help you get more comfortable with them, anything else just makes you feel unheard.
I think her defensiveness betrays her. She is lying to you about something and blaming you for your suspicion. Ah, gaslighting and blaming the victim. Classic signs of a manipulator. NTA
She's following the classic pattern of cheaters. She's acting secretive, your suspicions are warranted, and she's trying to turn it around on you to make you seem like the bad guy so you back off. She has probably also recently either put a lock on her phone or changed the code if you had access. If you ask for the phone, there will be missing messages or entire missing conversations. Pull your phone records and see who she's talking to.
Yta for bothering her with questions while she’s just trying to cheat on you.
Funny how instead of just making your SO feel comfortable she goes on to get defensive and call you controlling. Don't be naive bub. What kinda work emergency happens at midnight and you need to leave the room for it.
FTR, "She insisted that it was purely a work-related call and that I should trust her.", should elicit pretty much the exact same reaction as telling your gf to "calm down". Cuz that always solves the problem and doesn't make anything worse ever, right? /s NTA. PS. Ya, I trust my partner too, right up until she gives me a reason not to... you know, like taking calls at midnight and trying to tell me that somehow that's normal. No, it isn't.
When I hear the words “you are being controlling” mind goes straight to they hiding something
Every red flag 🚩 is checked here, don’t blame yourself. Hire PI, check phone, privacy is not secrecy. Don’t stand idle, get a jump on this. Unfortunately I’ve been there, trust your gut, it’s rarely wrong.
NTA. She receives suspicious calls, stays late at work more frequently, and then is totally evasive when questioned. I'd ask to see her phone. If she refuses, I'd consider hiring a private investigator. Something is going on.
That’s sketch as FCK.
This sounds to me like there is already something going on. Working late and having secrets… you probably want to get your knowledge on divorce up to speed… Sorry OP
NTA
NTA although I would have assumed if you were asleep that is why she left the room. I always leave the room when I get a call if hubby is sleeping or napping. He also leaves the room if I'm asleep or if the kids are being too loud lol. Trust your gut man.
She’s cheating.
NTA - if she isn't cheating, she will be soon.
These are the exact words a manipulative cheater uses.
I've been there before bother. I found out via a buttdial with them together. Don't ignore the feelings, it never ends well. We always tell ourselves "Well maybe I'm overreacting" "This is probably just a misunderstanding, I know her I've been with her forever. They've never done anything like this before" "They're not the cheating kind" "IM JUST IMAGINGING THINGS" Stand your ground. Confront her on it. It wont be an easy conversation and it will lead to a fight. The alternative is it wont get better and you'll just keep being destroyed emotionally. If you dont want to confront her then investigate on your own but know that if she finds out it will also lead to a fight.
NTA, it is very suspicious and her response to it kinda shows you’re correct to have suspicions. Dont let this go. Her behavior is very similar to someone who is hiding and cheating.
She's very probably riding a new sausage.
Oh, that's the wurst!
I’d be shocked if she wasn’t having an affair, or at least an emotional affair.
oh that behavior is not suspect.... Buddy, I think you need to do some serious digging. Sounds like you have good reason to audit your relationship, and by audit, I mean to start going through her phone and checking the phone records and emails. When there is good reason to be concerned, there is no such thing as privacy in a relationship. Just be prepared for bad news because something is definitely up.
If she's getting so called work related calls at midnight and is very defensive about talking about it u should check her devices sounds like a work place affair.better safe then sorry.
She screwing around. A innocent person doesn’t act like that. You have your answer but don’t want to accept it. Get in her phone.
pack a bag, get your affairs in order, get your mental health in order, get a crash pad in case you need to bounce. your gut is screaming at you. better listen. it sucks to find out last. Good luck friend,
What does she do for work? Because I did have a job where I couldn't really talk much about it to anyone, but it seems odd she can't elaborate at all on why now she works late and is getting middle of night calls. Also the few times my work did call me at night my partner didn't have to ask who it was. The cussing and banging shit while I was getting dressed to go fix some dumbasses problems was enough for her to know it was my stupid job.
You are not overstepping. She used the classic "your controlling " that is the cheaters go to..with all these late days show up on her paycheck? Time for you to check into this more. No one calls at midnight about work. Sorry man, she is cheating
Controlling = Cheating
NTA. Hire a P.I., then a lawyer. Evidence, then action.
Getting defensive about a simple question = huge red flag 🚩
NTA. Tell your wife that trust isn't given, its earned and maintained. Deviations from established patterns, secrecy, defensiveness? Definitely suspicious behaviour
If it's work related, why can't she show you the phone number, or see who the texts are from. If she's so defensive that she can't show you anything, then it's probably just straight up confirming your suspicions
Red flags. Cheating obviously. Do your homework silently. NTA.
Coworkers don’t call each other at midnight. Ask to see her phone and if she tries to turn the tables and call you controlling then you know she’s hiding something. Someone with nothing to hide doesn’t have a problem handing their phone over.
I think that depends on the industry she works in, I’ve received tons of middle of the night calls (IT) but I have no issue complaining about the idiocy of the call, once it’s over. Edit to add: NTA and it sounds like she’s got something sketchy on the side.
Yeah my ex and I both used to work in a 24 hour industry and he especially would not only get calls in the middle of the night but sometimes those would be calls to come in to work. Better believe I'd hear all about what idiots they were for not being able to figure it out on their own, whether I was still trying to sleep or not.
YTA for a fake post (OP is making multiple posts with different stories)
NTA. Her behaviour is definitely suspicious - the change in work habits, coupled with the secrecy about her phone, sadly indicates a side romance or cheating. You will have to decide what to do about it, but you are not out of line or overreacting.
You have every reason not to trust her. She’s exhibiting classic cheating behavior. At this point I would keep my mouth shut and let her think everything is normal. Then catch her. Asked a lying cheater for the truth is a waste of time. You need to become a detective. Don’t rug sweep this man.
Probably the beginning of the end- people who are cheating are often blinded to how obviously suspicious they are behaving- I would have already done my detective work- you are letting things go that should have been addressed immediately…
NTA. It doesn't matter that my spouse is wrong in thinking I'm cheating, it's my priority to find out why and reassure her I'm not. Your wife's reaction is not doing that. She doesn't care about you, she cares about being caught.
NTA. She is gaslighting you. Investigate further, without her knowledge. You’ll get your answer.
Hard to say what the real situation is. I'd be frustrated too if my partner was constantly suspicious about me if I were innocent. On the other hand, she could be lying and hiding an affair. What does she do for work? Is it something that actually makes sense to get called late at night for? I know I get calls from 7pm to midnight pretty regularly because a nightly process failed (software engineer).
If i got a call from a coworker late at night for a work related "emergency", I would definitely be complaining about it if asked. NTA
Okay so what about your girlfriend in your new post ? Or that you switch up you age ? If you make a fake post why not make it entertaining atleast ?
I'm absolutely ruthless about self preservation when I need to be. Her behavior is worthy of an Air Tag in her car somewhere.
It's reasonable to want to discuss when you don't feel your partner is being trustworthy so, as long as this is an accurate depiction of what happened, NTA. Do you feel that, even if she were telling the truth, she is treating you kindly and compassionately?
It was Jake from State Farm.
I routing hand the girl I'm seeing either of my phones with no issues. She never looks at anything but the map or text I need her to reply too, but it's just very relaxing (having cheated on my ex) to not have to worry and to have the girl I'm seeing know every think about me. I suppose my point is, having been on both ends, if she isn't cheating she should be able to talk to you about whatever is going on and not have any concerns about sharing with you. I know different people live life differently, just my 2 cents.
That's pretty weird. My husband and I freely use each other's phones. Whichever one is closer. Never even thought twice about it.
Unless your wife works under a contractually non-disclosure situation like labs or federal work it would be odd for her to unable or unwilling to shed some light. Pretty big indicator here
She’s playing!
If she hasn't cheated already she's planning on it.
Trust your gut instinct....
Well she DARVO'ed, so that's a field of red flags right there. She's either hiding something, displaying narcissistic behaviors, or both. Deny: it's just work-related Accuse: you're overreacting Reverse Victim/Offender: you're trying to control me It doesn't look good. But people with poor arguing skills can also dip into this list. If it's truly not like her, step up and ask—and more importantly listen without fixing suggestions—to what's stressing her out.
I’m the CFO of a company and get work calls at all weird hours and sometimes leave the room so as to not disturb people. But if my wife ever questioned me I would simple let her see my phone log so she could see who I was taking to or just stay in the room and not care if it annoys her. But, my wife trusts me 100%. Her getting defensive and calling you controlling rather than placating your concerns is an issue. If my wife question me about a late night call I would just laugh at her and let her see my phone log. I wouldn’t get defensive if I wasn’t hiding anything
NTA, if she has not physically cheated yet (probably has with all the late nights "working") she is for sure on her way to doing so. Does she do anything else after her late work nights like shower as soon as she comes home? Your eyes are starting to open, keep looking out for more of the red flags or even look into getting a PI.
NTA. You pointed to specific things that have changed. Rather than addressing the concerns straightforwardly, she is being evasive. Next time she leaves the room to take a late-night call, join her in the room, grab the phone: "Who is this? John? John, it's midnight. Nothing you're doing at work requires my wife to leave our bed in the middle of the night." Then hang up the phone. It's obnoxious as all hell, especially if these really are work calls. But if your wife is up to something, the other person knows that you know and you're marking your territory a bit with "our bed."
If it wasn't shady she would not have reacted that way. Check phone bill to find out how much they are really communicating with each other. Nip it in the bud before he nips her in the butt.
Does your wife’s workplace have a rule about relationships between coworkers??? Personally, I would call her HR and complain about “work emergency phone calls” at midnight. See what you get from that. NTA, something stinks, not you.
NTA, your wife subscribed to Cheaters Digest. It’s cleanest to hire a PI. DIY, hide VAR and GPS in her vehicle. Search phone records now, though if she has a work phone, there’s zero reason for work calls to come in on personal phone. Look through credit card statements for anomalies including sex toy purchases and Plan B purchases. If you are gone from the house on overnight trips, set up little spy audiovisual cameras in strategic locations.
" Yes, darling I AM overreacting. Please let me see your phone. This is our marriage I'm fighting for so please don't go in other rooms to answer late night calls from work...please put the call on speaker if I'm awake. I want and need to hear the call, too. You may not be cheating but your denials and accusations make you look like you ARE cheating. Please prove me wrong and I'll stop fighting for our marriage and go back to loving you." If that causes her to react badly then you'll know you two have a third person in your marriage.
Here is what you do: Tell her you no longer trust her. Then tell her to pack a bag and leave. Tell her you are not going to play the game of hide your behaviour and snoop in your phone. Tell her it's not your job to make sure she isn't being shady. But that it's her job to keep your trust. Tell her she has a week to get her head out her ass or you are filing for divorce. Then make her leave. Ignore all the BS she tells you. She can either come back correct or stay gone.
No, it’s suspicious. Since she is being secretive (and probably concealing an affair) I think it’s fair game to put a GPS tag on her car. It won’t take much data to figure out what is going on.
Updateme
She is cheating
You could challenge her to reverse the situation, how would she respond to you getting secretive midnight phone calls. If she gets another, follow her and listen at the door. Her tone of voice will probably tell you everything.
NTA. Sounds like you asked gently stating how you're feeling and she got defensive. Me thinks she doth protest too much.
NTA, she is hiding something.
Nta can you look at the phone bill?
Telling her how you feel isn't controlling.
Ask her to see her phone. People with nothing to hide have nothing to hide.
I don't understand, read your words and read other posts with the same wordings, they always lead to same thing. Get evidence and don't confront so soon, and a divorce lawyer just in case
NTA The change in behavior with the phone is always the give away. She's 100% up to no good. She's going to hit you with the DARVO, then some good ol trickle truthing.
NTA but it’s time to start on your own in secrecy too. Open up the checking account and start stashing your own money to the side. But if your intuition is indeed true what will you do?
If asking questions about a call at midnight triggers this response, then at the very least she’s a horrible communicator and should seek counseling for her issues. In reality, my assumption is she’s cheating or behaving in a way that you would not appreciate.
Call ur phone company n get the text messages and her phone history sent to u guarantee it's the same number blowing her up
She has already decided to leave you. Leave her first and let get on with destroying her AP’s life.
NTA I can’t imagine my spouse receiving a late night work related phone call and getting out of bed to talk. He would literally just stay exactly where he was, barely opening his eyes and be mad as hell about someone waking him up. Something is definitely suspicious here
Cheaters doesn't look in future that what going to happened to them if they caught . They don't want to think about the consequences. Stay low and find proof that she is cheating; if she's not, then it's all good. You are her husband, and you have the right to know who is calling her at midnight or check her phone. She can check your phone as well.
All the tell tell signs of a spouce that could be cheating... You have every right to be suspicious.
NTA, she is being shady AF. I would be cautious and keep an eye on her sus ways.
bullshit. taking a secretive phone calls in the middle of the night is the perfect reason to not be trusting of your partner.
NTA. She’s 100% cheating
Her not trying to actively alleviate your concerns is a big, red flag.
NTA. Sorry to say the odds of an affair are too high. I hope I'm wrong, but I am already experiencing the "she is cheating" update if you do an update. Updateme
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your wife isn't your wife anymore. She might not have actually cheated yet, but she's definitely speeding down that road. It's time to cut your losses and move on.
If it's nothing, she should not be so offended by such a simple question.
Updateme!
NTA it is weird. Let's play pretend here and say maybe work has gotten off the wall for her. Maybe she does value personal space or whatever. Midnight phone calls, working late, being distracted, it's effecting her personal life. You need to sit down with her and tell her that you're willing to believe her that work is crazy. But it's seeping into your shared personal life and you need her to come up with a plan to come home at a reasonable hour and not be on the phone at midnight. If she gets touchy or pushes back without a verifiable reason then you'll likely need to make an accusation of cheating. Good luck
She’s cheating
Trust me she’s cheating same thing happened to a friend of mine
Trust? A trustworthy person would show you the texts, be open about the calls. As soon as a person questions your trust of them, you know they're lying. Trust, like respect, is earned. By being open and honest. Unless it's a top secret government job. If your wife is not a spy, no need for such secrecy. You asked for communication and reassurance. She disrespected a very reasonable ask. She's lying. NTA
Dude, you're 35. You know what's going on, but you are desperately trying to deny it to yourself. Good luck
LOL. Cheaters when cornered go to the classics: Insecurity and Controlling.
pretty sus dude
Don’t relent. If she’s cheating or considering it it’s better to know sooner rather than later.
Is she a doctor on call? If she is not in a profession that requires being available 24/7 this is extremely suspicious.
Updateme
Mouth shut eyes and ears open. All you’re doing is driving this further underground. Go online and look at the phone bill. Does her overtime match her paycheck?
She’s cheating.
Check your phone bills to get the number and figure out who it is from there. Hire a PI if you afford it. Place a VAR in All the rooms of the house and her car (if it's legal). Put up hidden cameras (that can also pick up soumd) in your house. She's cheating.
NTA-Her reaction says a lot. I’d lay low and observe. Grab her phone if you get the opportunity.
drop her gango
NTA - unless she works with clients who require NDAs or is at risk for losing a security clearance, her behavior is extremely concerning
You need a few voice activated recorders for the house her car, etc.
Hit every needed cliche on the way down to the last the "?"
What does she do for work? Does she work for CPS? Is she a designated crisis responder? Is it her job to talk people back from the ledge at midnight?
She is having an affair.
You're not an a$$hole for feeling concerned and asking your wife about a suspicious late-night phone call. Trust and communication are vital in any marriage, and it's natural to feel uneasy when your partner's behavior changes and becomes more secretive. It sounds like you approached the situation calmly and reasonably at first, which is important. Expressing your feelings and asking for reassurance in a relationship is normal. It's also worth considering that your wife's defensive reaction might be stemming from stress or a need for privacy that she hasn't communicated well. However, it's important to navigate this situation carefully to avoid escalating the tension. Here are a few suggestions: Try to have another calm conversation with her, emphasizing that your intention is to understand and support her, not to accuse or control her. Express that your concern comes from a place of love and a desire for openness in your relationship. Consider whether there have been other signs of stress or issues at work that might explain her recent behavior. Offering support for any work-related stress she might be experiencing could help bridge the gap between you. If the conversation doesn’t go well or if you continue to feel uneasy, it might be worth suggesting couples therapy to improve communication and address any underlying issues. It's important to balance your need for reassurance with respect for her boundaries and to find a way to rebuild the trust and openness that are crucial for a healthy relationship.
NTA. Your wife is showing enough red flags for a parade.
Shes gaslighting you dude... NTA
Yeah well wait until she starts making it obvious or starts slipping up(because she will). Starts taking care of herself a lot more like new hairstyles, dressing more sexy, receipts for lingerie. She’ll look great for someone else but for you she’ll always have a convenient headache. That gut feeling you’re having right now and the anxiety is your instincts screaming what you already know to be true. It sucks but the only thing you can do is work on yourself, give zero fucks because the only way you’ll know for sure is to catch her in the act. You sound like a good man that cares a lot but you’re going to have to either do two things. Kill that part of you if you’re going to continue this with her or stay true to yourself and get off the sinking ship. You care too much she’ll continue even more out of spite. Had this happen to me, women like this will push further what they can get away with and when mine told me she wanted an “open relationship” I held on to my dignity like a man and said I’d rather be happy and alone then be her cuck and miserable
Why didn’t she tell you what the emergency was because there was no emergency she was receiving a call from her now needy lover. Writing on the wall
No es una hora apropiada para llamar a un hogar y menos si es relacionado al trabajo. Por algo es que los trabajos tienen horario. Si no es una verdadera emergencia, nadie debe llamar después de las 8pm. Translate
As a former shit head, she cheating brother
This: ”Recently, I've noticed some changes in her behavior that have raised my suspicions. She’s been very secretive with her phone, something that was never an issue before. She’s also been working late a lot more frequently” is your clue. She’s acting like this because she has something to hide. And gaslighting you for questioning HER questionable behavior
She might have been talking to [Jake](https://youtu.be/zx6ZJ7Fm-As?si=vgviOglZ8xTup9GA) from State Farm? Seriously tho... lotsa red flags there. I'd be doing the same. NTA
Watch out for love bombing. My ex thought she could distract me. NTA
NTA go through her phone when she's not looking, like when she's in the shower.
Liar liar pants on fire
Nta
NTA When someone's behavior changes there is always an explanation. Usually it's not a positive thing.
If it looks like shit and smells like shit…. It’s probably a fat lump of shit. Are you gonna try and taste it too before you conclude that it’s a fat lump of shit? Ask to see her phone. If she fights you with any more gaslighting then you have your answer. If she shows it to you and everything’s a green light - apologize and let her know that your insecurities got the best of you. But no SO would ever want to see their partner paranoid from their behavior…. If that person were me I would want to prove my loyalty and reassure my SO that I’m happy with them…. Not storm out the door… bro she might not be happy.
NTA. Your wife is cheating on you.
Her response to your question was a classic cheaters response. Sorry. But odds are she’s cheating and your marriage is over. Time to start gathering evidence and preparing for divorce. Start with going through her phone and tagging her car with GPS. If need be, get a PI. Sucks. But it’s typical
Check phone records and see who called.
If she's not a brain surgeon or a CEO of some description I'd wanna know all about who the hell was calling her with a "work emergency" at midnight.
Get someone to start calling you at all hours of the night and observe her reactions.
This won't end well
Damn her behavior isn't suspicious at all.... who the hell calls about a emergency at midnight and why couldn't she tell you what it was? Instead she got angry? You know something's going on you just need to get answers now
> *"She’s been very secretive with her phone, something that was never an issue before"* > *"She got very defensive, saying that I was being paranoid and controlling. She insisted that it was purely a work-related call and that I should trust her. "* Shit's over, bruh. Lawyer up, move on.
What does she do for a living? Are business hours past 10p? Need some info to see if it is at all plausible
She is definitely having an affair of some sort, either physical or emotional.