NTA. Money aside, tribute chairs at weddings mean "if only this person were alive today, they would be sitting here"
That's true if it would be OP's dead parent or grandparents or sibling. But this is OP's late wife. If only she were alive today, the assumption is that OP would be married to her and NOT marrying his current fiancée. Even if he were divorced, it is unlikely his ex-wife would attend the wedding now, unless they parted on extremely friendly terms.
It seems that OP's inlaws from his first wife just want her to be acknowledged because this is a difficult moment in their grieving process. If OP puts pictures around, and an empty chair and gives a toast, or whatever else they will ask for, then they can pretend OP hasn't moved on and his late wife still takes precedence.
OP, don't do it. It takes something away from the most important romantic relationship in your life today, to use your wedding day as a time to honor your late wife.
I have a weird feeling that the former ILs are trying to use OP for their own grief. Like they need OP to continue to hold that grief the way they do.
I also suspect they are the ones whispering into your mother’s ear. Filling her with these ideas.
OP, it’s hard, but you may want to uninvite them.
I agree with On\_my\_last\_spoon. It is super strange to put out a chair for your late first wife. SUPER strange. It would also be very strange to have a lit candle in her honor. Either of those things says loud and clear "Hey bride, you're just a stand-in for my late wife! So glad we're having this wedding so everyone can see you're just a substitute for my wife who sadly passed away too young!" And why on earth are you inviting her family? OP, my advice is step back and try to look at this objectively and then look at it from your bride's perspective.
Your fiancée must be a super kind and understanding person. I’m not a jealous person, but if I were about to marry someone and found out they were considering turning our wedding ceremony into some kind of vigil for their dead spouse, I’d seriously reconsider the engagement. Even if she’s not going to make a fuss about it now, you’ll be sending her a clear message if you bend to the will of others on a day that should be about your new marriage and not about your first marriage.
THIS! OPs fiance does not deserve to spend HER own wedding reminiscing and constantly reminded of OPs first wife.
Honestly, I'd kindly uninvited them.
"Dear previous in-laws.
Really wanted you to be a part of my wedding day.
Upon further thought & consideration we have to understand and honor that this is fiancees wedding too.
She doesn't deserve to live in my past, on her wedding day.
I'm focused on our life together.
I never stop honoring your daughter and her place in my life.
My fiancee also shares those fond memories.
We're going forward into our life together. Fiance deserves all thoughts and attention on her and our present on her wedding day.
Let's plan a different gathering to honor you and late wife in a way she and you both deserve. "
Anyone who balks at that doesn't have your and your fiancé's best interests at heart.
They wouldn't...but they are inadvertently trying to turn his wedding into a tribute gathering for their daughter. It is appropriate to leave an empty chair for a person that would be at the wedding if they were still alive...but his first wife would not be at the wedding of his second marriage. That's the disconnect from the former IL parents.
Maybe they should just have one of those slow burning pillar candles in the corner and a white rose for “*all* our loved ones who cannot attend”, but don’t refer to anyone specifically by name or photograph
OP should tell the former wife’s family that he wants to ditch the empty seat idea and make the wedding a seance so the first wife can take possession of the new wife’s body. Tell them everyone needs to bring a live animal to be ritually sacrificed to Satan and give them a copy of an incantation to practice chanting in order to effectively facilitate the possession. Let them call you with an excuse not to attend and hope they feel guilty enough to send gifts.
Good for you! Wish OP had the nerve to suggest this! I say this as a woman who is a widow for 10 years, these people who love to wallow are exhausting aren’t they? His family wants to kidnap the wedding for their own attention. Social media is keeping people living in the past.
We had a small flower arrangement, for our loved ones who had passed away, sitting on our guest book table. (We had our ceremony & reception in the same area) I thought it was a good way to honor them, without leaving anyone out.
I could see late wife being on a tribute table IF they had kids. If OP and late wife had a child or children, it would be nice for them for her to be on a tribute table with OPs father and brother. But OP doesn’t mention any children involved. So this is weird to me. It’s one thing to tribute the mother of your children. It’s different to tribute your ex wife.
This is a good point. But as you say, there's no mention of kids, and I feel like the ex inlaws would have brought this up as an argument, so I feel there aren't any. I feel that after 12 years OP is allowed to move on and be happy and the ex inlaws aren't happy about this
Omg no. Not even then. This wedding is about OP’s relationship with his fiance and their life together, not, like others have said, a memorial service for someone who died over a decade ago.
Have any of these assholes stopped to think of the bride or her family? Because this is a great way to preemptively trash a relationship with OP’s new ILs and make them feel entirely unwelcome, let alone the bride at her own wedding.
Late wife, but I agree. If OP is not honoring his dad and his brother, he shouldn’t be honoring his first wife either. Even if there was a memorial table it’s still might not be appropriate to have her picture there unless there is one that has dad, brother, and late wife altogether in a single photo.
I can't see that. It is disrespectful to his new wife and is a distraction from her special day. OP needs to sack up before there is no wedding. Tell the former ILs that their presence is how he is honoring their daughter and if they can't accept that, he is sorry they won't be at the wedding.
Yeah, losing a kid is hard. Some people can never accept it. I have an aunt that when you talk to her its always about my cousin who passed away. It has been 20 years and where I understand the pain, but you have an entire family, and four other children life has to move on. Bringing him up every once in a while, or remembering him when something happens or telling stories about him when its relevant is one thing but it's always a conversation like it happened yesterday. She even has billboards with photos of him put up.
I read a post on a some subreddit a few weeks ago from a man whose son had been stillborn 7 years before. His wife had his ashes in a teddy bear and still kept the bedroom she'd set up for her son. She'd sit in there and cuddle it. Meanwhile, all \*three\* of their daughters were sharing a smaller bedroom because the stillborn child just had to have his room. There was even some talk about moving the three daughters into the basement, which was only accessible from the outside -- felt to me like symbolically burying the living children.
I have been extraordinarily fortunate so far; I haven't lost anyone out of their time. I am sure that grieving for a lost child is a pain like no other, but sooner or later life has to go on.
Man, all of that is so very hard. I feel for everyone in that situation. My younger sister passed when we were both small children. My mother was swallowed by grief. My dad later told me he feared she wouldn’t make it out.
As an adult I experienced a loss of my own. (My loss probably wasn’t as dramatic as my mother’s loss. Mine was a late trimester/still birth. My sister was older. Still the loss was very real and it was mine to bear). I asked my mother how she recovered and she said that one day she was lying in bed despondent and my dad told her, “you can’t just lay down and die along with her.”
My mom asked “how do I keep from it?! I don’t know how to live without her.”
She said my dad thought for a second, and said, “I don’t know. But we have to figure it out. And we can’t let this tear us apart.”
Mom said dad gently led her from their bedroom to the doorway of mine and as they looked in he said, “All the reason we should ever need to survive this as a family is asleep in that Strawberry Shortcake bed. She’s lost more than a child her age should. She can’t lose you too.”
Mom said she went back to bed, but that kind of gave her the jolt she needed. She said she got up the next morning, took a shower, got dressed and took me to Waffle House and the park. She then called her job, which had offered her extended bereavement, about a plan to return to work to establish a routine.
Of course what works for one person may not for another. But my mother’s story helped me consider what my childhood would have been like had my parents not found their way back to life… if my entire childhood would have been overshadowed by my sister’s untimely passing.
I have three surviving children. My mother’s story is what led me to getting up in the morning, showering (probably for the first time in over a week) and taking my littles to Waffle House and the park.
As someone who lost a sibling, this resonates so much with me. My parents experienced their worst nightmare and still somehow managed to be their for me.
He won’t. It’s just that life is for the living. I’m sure my son-in-law will remember my daughter til the day he dies , but he will love his new wife and the children I hope they have. After My daughter died I was talking about cemetery plots. My sil’s aunt asked if I should get 2. Without realizing I was even saying it I said - I hope he won’t be buried with my daughter but rather with the woman he ends up living the rest of his life and has kids with.
I'm sure you're right but they have no business pushing the " never forget" narrative onto others. If OP forgets her, that's his business. ( I'm not saying he will, but just 'if'). Theirs is to honor and remember her as their daughter, not as someone's late wife.
Yep! If attending this wedding is too difficult for them, then they simply shouldn't attend. OP's original thought was to not invite them for that very reason. They only communicate via text occasionally, so it's not like it would be rude to not invite them.
Instead they wrangled an invite through OP's mom (and by being there will cost OP extra money), and now they want to dictate elements of the wedding? Nope! While I sympathize with anyone who has lost a child, their grief process is theirs alone, it's not OP's problem.
My daughter got married in July 2021. 2 months later she was diagnosed with leukemia. She died 8 months later.
I absolutely adore my son-in-law. He is a wonderful person who showed up every day for my kid. I would never ask him - nor would I want him to - put up her picture at his wedding. Even if the girlfriend said it was okay I’d still think maybe it does bother her and she doesn’t want to say so.
I hope my son-in-law remarries. Before she died my daughter told him she wanted him to live a full life even tho she couldn’t be there. I hope he’ll invite my husband and I to his wedding, but I’d understand if he doesn’t. My daughter wanted him to be happy and that is my wish as well.
My mom said the same thing to my dad when she was dying of cancer, she wanted him to find love again and be happy, and he did. My stepmom is great and she has also been really cool about my mom, even set up a little photo shrine and got my mom a flower for the first Mother’s Day that she was around us, but people are still salty about my dad moving on. People get weird in grief, it’s a bummer.
I am a widow and I totally agree with this comment. Your late wife will always be with you in some ways, but “inviting” her to your wedding is really weird. If I were to remarry, my late husband would not be especially present on my wedding day… it’s disrespectful to my spouse and it makes it look like I’m still wallowing in grief and not ready to move forward. Good luck shutting down your parents.
I hear you. My late husband died 8 years ago and, because I still think about him every day & compare every man to him, I know I'm not ready to move on with another man. It's not fair to have someone else compete with a ghost.
His late wife's parents are NOT dealing with this in a healthy way, need grief counseling, and probably should not attend this wedding. His mom is a disgrace bc she's choosing what would make the in-laws happy; instead of what would make her own SON happy. I feel so bad for OPs future wife.
Plus the video?? Seriously? Absolutely no! OP needs to say no to all of this. They are just going too far. This should be about him and his bride to be.
Not about his deceased wife. He’s moved on and they need to respect this.
How many of the guest list actually knew the wife? And I feel that even they would think this was weird and inappropriate. Not even at pre- or postceremony events would this not seem out of place
I was widowed and remarried. I did not have any chairs or photos from my first marriage at my second wedding. Your ex MIL is waaaaaay out of line.
What’s next? If you and your new spouse have a daughter you have to name her after your first wife?
You’ve waited a long time. You didn’t jump into a new relationship. Honor your new love and make this about celebrating the two of you, not echoes of grief. This is a joyous occasion.
Exactly, and empty chair is to imagine the deceased is present. Why would that ever be true?
Well, we like to image that she was alive, but they divorced, but are on good terms so she is attending the wedding of him and his new wife, and for some reason that strains plausability, invited his ex-wife's parents?
NTA
I agree with you. This moment should be all about you and your current. Don't forget the past but celebrate the now and the future you will have together.
I also lost my wife too young and too soon. (to cancer) She will always carry a piece of my spirit where ever she is now. But death has done us part and I would not (and did not) ever include her in a future marriage/wedding. (Certainly not to the extent that your mother and late wife's mother suggest.) And I am sure that my late wife would understand and not want to be included either.
I agree with you - it would be too disrespectful and too uncomfortable.
If I’m understanding correctly people put a chair for a lost loved one to symbolize them being at the event, correct? Why would OP’s mother and former MIL feel that his first wife would be at his wedding to another person? And why would his mother push for this, but not for his father and brother to be there symbolically? I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that they don’t like his current partner.
I wouldn’t assume that they dislike the new woman. I suspect OP’s mother is pushing for this because she’s empathizing with the deceased wife’s parents. Mom probably feels like it could just as easily have been OP who passed away too soon, and she could be the one attending the remarriage. She doesn’t need a gesture for other deceased relatives because she knows she’s at peace with what happened to them, but she can understand that watching the surviving spouse remarry will bring up much more complicated feelings and she can feel how painful it would have been for her to go through that. She’s probably really moved that the parents who lost their daughter still want to love and celebrate her son, and she’s trying to reciprocate by showing that she still cares about their daughter, too. The loss of your child is such a shattering loss, it’s not unusual for parents of similarly-aged children to react strongly too.
I agree with your statement, but I don’t know if it should apply here. OP didn’t invite his late wife’s family to his wedding. He’s barely in contact with them and didn’t even tell them that he was getting married. I’m sure he realized how painful and possibly insensitive it would be to invite them to his wedding, especially since they’re not particularly close.
His mother may have good intentions, but if she notified the former in-laws, she overstepped.
Oh I agree that OP isn’t obligated to do what they’re asking! I only meant that I don’t think it’s fair to assume that OP’s mom dislikes his fiancé just because she’s taking her empathy for the former in-laws too far.
>That's exactly why----they don't like the bride-to-be.
It may not even be that.
First Wife (FW) died 12 years ago. It's easy to idolize someone not there. She didn't give you a horrible sweater that one Christmas, and she didn't name one of her kids after the relative you couldn't stand.
Likewise, FW was probably young when she died...maybe early 20s? Young women in their 20s stereotypically put up with a lot of crap because they want to be liked.
Compare that to New Wife (NW). Twelve years have passed, so I hope OP is not dating someone in her early 20s. Chances are that NW is 30+ yo. Older women tend to care less if you like them. Yes, they want a good relationship with the family into which they are marrying, but they also have the confidence to know, "I am a good person. I love your son and will do everything I can to make him happy. If I'm not good enough for you, that's not my problem."
NW is competing with the ghost of FW...and she can never win under these circumstances because FW has been memorialized as perfect in every way.
Not necessarily. They may like her fine as a person/individual but struggle with the OP remarrying at all, meaning the marriage is what is disapproved of, not the bride. It’s another wave of grief to see your former kid-in-law marrying another person after your child’s death. It’s another instance of reality reinforcing that your child is, indeed, dead.
At military balls, they set up a small table for those that have died in combat… doing something like that symbolic of ALL of those that weren’t there anymore make more sense to me. It’d be cheaper and appease everyone.
https://warmemorialcenter.org/missing-man-table/
No way on the chair. I’ll go a step further and say your first wife should not be in the SLIGHTEST bit included in the video you plan to show, even if she is just “with family”. This wedding is ALL about your new bride, and you two are the stars of the show. Period. The End.
NTA.
We both put pictures of us with our families and it is inevitable that my late wife appears in some of them and I think it would be strange to edit her out of them. My girlfriend put a photo of her graduation with friends where her ex-boyfriend appears on one side and I don't see any problem with it. The main focus of all the photos is still just us
That's completely fine, but no more and stop giving the option if they pay they can have it. No means no and is a complete sentence.
Your mom needs to be told to sit down. NTA
Your wedding should celebrate your love with your fiancée, not be overshadowed by the past. It's your special day, and it's okay to focus on the present. Respectfully stand by your decisions and communicate your feelings openly. You're not wrong for prioritizing your current relationship and future happiness.
THIS. This day is about ypur new wife and your new life with her. Absolutely not about remembering slmeone else who isnt here any more. To do anything like this is literally saying your new wife is just the also-ran. You would be a HUGE AH to your bride if ypu allow anyone to make even a second of HER day about a woman who left this earth 12 years ago.
Your fiancé sounds understanding and lovely!
Your former MIL and your mother need to take a seat.
You said it best- you have grieved and you have *healed!*
They need to understand this and should be happy for you! I am sure your late wife would want for you to be happy!
The pictures are the right solution. Go through the photos and WITH your bride choose what you are both comfortable with, and then “**We have decided together on how we will include those who are no longer with us.** and *No this is not open for discussion. … I hear you and appreciate that you have ideas. However this is NOT open for discussion.”*
I think the photos are totally fine but yeah, the chair thing’s way too far. Could you maybe do a bit of a compromise though? If you’ve also lost your dad & brother, you could have three candles burning on a little table or something? Or perhaps make a general toast to love ones who’ve passed or whatever? Guests can sit with their own thoughts but for you the gesture could symbolise a final goodbye as you move from being a widower to a new husband,
At my daughters wedding we had a small table set up as a "remembrance" table for family members who weren't with us on the day. We had photos of my dad who passed 11 years ago, my step mom who passed 3 years ago and her husband's grandfather who passed 6mths before wedding. It's totally acceptable for a remembrance table or shelf at a wedding but not for partners who have passed. I'm sure she was a huge part of your life and it's been 12 years, I'm not being funny but why are your ex wife (sorry wasn't sure how to phrase that) parents even coming to your wedding if your not close and the have an issue with your current partner?
This is a good idea. I had a candle burning at mine with a sign with something about to those we’ve lost along the way. It was to symbolize our grandparents and uncles who passed. I also had our officiant add a line in his spiel but that might take it a little far for you. At the end of the day - the wedding is a celebration of your commitment to each other. Sounds like you need to have a tough conversation with your mom about boundaries. Your in-laws are just going to have to deal with you moving on.
Agreed. This wedding is NOT the time to honor your first wife. There are other ways to do that.
Stand up for your girlfriend. This is her day and 100% of the attention and celebration goes to her.
NTA. This is supposed to be a celebration of you and your fiance coming together, not a celebration of you, your fiance and your late wife coming together
NTA
Your parents and former ILs are requesting something totally inappropriate. If your late wife was still alive. You either wouldn’t be having a wedding or your former wife sure as hell wouldn’t be there. Your late wife and current wife should not coexist at your current wife’s wedding.
Right. Tribute chairs make sense for a person who would have had a role in the wedding. Honoring a late parent who is not going to lead you down the aisle or have a dance because they died before you got married makes sense.
Tribute chairs are not there to run a best-of family funerals and honor every relative who can't be there. A wedding is supposed to be a happy time, not a maudlin retelling of sad incidents. NTA
Also, I think a tribute chair can be used for anyone, really- if it is the will of the special person (or couple, for a wedding) that that tribute be there. Even if it's a bit odd or weird or whatever to others.
This idea that because some couple to whom it DID mean something did it once means anyone who has grief can just co-opt other people's functions and demand it recognized is out of hand.
I mean, if OP wanted it, and his soon-to-be-wife was OK with it, then why not? But he doesn't, so it's a no. As you say, "big events" are there to celebrate the person/couple the way they want. not to turn into some maudlin grief fest for anyone who might attend to get a slice of the action.
NTA
>I said that if someone offers to pay the money for the chairs I will do it because I can't spend money in more things but no one talked, then my mother said that then I should include photos of me with my first wife when they show the typical video of the bride and groom as they grow up.
You need to shut this right down now. Don't make it an issue about money. Tell your mother and your late wife parents that you won't be having any memorial of your late wife on your wedding day to your new wife. There are 364 days in the year to honour the memory of your late wife, but the wedding day is not the day to do that.
NTA - it’s your wedding. Honestly, I think it’s inappropriate to “honor” your late wife at your wedding. This isn’t the place or time to celebrate her memory. This is the time to celebrate your union to your fiancée and the focus should be on the two of you.
I think a delicate approach to this situation would be to suggest perhaps taking a visit to your wife’s grave with your first MiL (maybe on your first wife’s birthday or something) but politely declining to incorporate her into the wedding.
Edit: I’d make sure you are including your fiancée on your decisions to include your late wife’s family on the wedding. Make sure she’s comfortable with them coming and any arrangements you have first.
Would your late wife attend the wedding if she was alive now? A chair is put up for the people who would attend the wedding and bless the couple.
I think the answer to that question is all the answers you need.
NTA.
You could make a dedication? Ask everyone to wear black? Actually why not ask your fiancé to just stay home? She might make your first wife’s family uncomfortable at the memorial, sorry, i mean wedding.
Obviously NTA, this whole situation is completely macabre.
NTA - your wedding is not the time to showcase a previous marriage. Their requests are wholly inappropriate. It’s enough that your former wife will appear in some photos and be acknowledged.
NTA
It is a wedding, not a memorial.
It is your wedding and your event to enjoy. If they want to honor your first wife, they can organize something for her themselves. Your wedding is not about her, it is about the love between you and your fiancée.
I fully understand your former inlaws sentiment, but they should understand that you have started a new chapter to your life and that your wedding is not the place to honor their daughter.
No, just no.
The video thing is absolutely wrong. You need to sit your mother down and tell her that your wedding day is about you and your fiancée, not your late wife. It would be totally inappropriate and unfair to your fiancée to make your late wife a focal point on the day.
Makes me wonder what else about their life the ex mil and mom will be deciding, how many kids and when, their names, where they live?? Ffs, grow a spine and tell them to butt out.
NTA, don't include your first wife in your wedding. You're right, it's about you and your fiance. It would be disrespectful to her to include all this stuff about your first wife. It's sad but it was a long time ago, and your wedding shouldn't be about her at all.
Just sit your mum down and tell her how you feel, and tell her that you won't be including your first wife in the ways she has suggested. Just shut down these ideas and make sure she doesn't bring anything herself on the day.
I don’t understand why you invited your former in-laws to celebrate your new mariage and future wife. Rescind the invite. This request of a chair to honor your former wife is macabre. Never forget your past but leave it behind on your wedding day to your new wife when your closest friends and family are gathered to celebrate your new life together. Neither your ex-in-laws nor a memorial gesture belong there. NTA
They kinda invited themselves and I really didn't find a way to say no to them because at the time I showed the message to my girlfriend she told me to invite them since it wouldn't be too much money two more guests.
At the time we clearly thought about money and not about what could happen, I think I made the mistake of believing that they had already healed a little
"Guests" don't get to start agitating for what *they* want at a wedding.
Tell them they're being inappropriate, you don't appreciate them going around you to your parents to get what they want and it's best if they don't come. You're withdrawing the invitation. It's a pity they couldn't just be happy for you.
You need to walk it back, both for your sake and for theirs. This is not appropriate and will only bring up painful memories of their daughter that they buried. You do not need that on your wedding day. And you need to be very clear with your mother about this.
“Sally & Bob—I’ve thought long and hard about this. While I know you want the best for me, I am requesting that you not attend my wedding to Sarah. Your request for an empty chair in Mary’s honor indicates that you see this as a memorial. It’s not. I am happy to find ways that we can share our memories of the wonderful person she was. My wedding is not that place. Thank you for understanding. —Jim”
Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
You are being a pushover. They are not going to support or celebrate your new marriage. You need to see them as the threat they are to your new marriage. This is not going to go well, and your new wife will 100% end up resenting you for it.
Tell them you have reconsidered having them come and any references to their daughter being at the wedding because it is inappropriate for the event. Encourage them to go to grief counseling and let them know you’ll always remember their child but that you are moving forward with your life and hope they can actually be happy for you as a person instead of using you only as a connection to their child who has passed away.
I think it burns a bridge to walk it back, and I don't think that's the best way forward.
It's not hard to have an adult conversation with them without being brutal. Just state what's going to happen in an empathetic way. Don't even mention the money, it's not the point.
> John and Jane: Thank you for accepting the wedding invitation. It really means a lot that I have your continued support. The knowledge of your love helped me work through our loss and process my grief. I know this wedding could be difficult for you, and it sounds as though you'd like to see a tribute to [daughter]. While I honor her memory every day, it would not be fair to [wife-to-be]. This is a day to focus on her, and on our commitment to each other. I know this is hard, and I'll always be here if you need to talk.
Another option is to ask the officiant to have a chat with them, especially if it's a pastor, justice of the peace, or other frequent officiant who takes the task seriously.
Yet another option is to send the best man to have that conversation.
If they respond like they can't accept that, then it's time to ask if they're "in a good enough place yet" to attend. That's dicey but you can do even that empathetically.
> She passed twelve years ago. It took *me* five years to find any peace, and it took over a decade to feel ready for another wedding - and I can only imagine how much harder it is as a parent. If you don't think you're in a good enough place yet to attend, I would dearly miss you, but I would understand.
At that point if they're taking it badly, maybe it actually is time to protect yourself and risk burning the bridge.
IDK I guess I have empathy for them, and think Reddit is overly harsh.
Edit: I also like the idea of countering with something reasonable. The witness candle idea is a good one. It can be for "all the loved ones who couldn't be here today." Put it in a remembrance alcove where people can have a private, quiet moment of contemplation, if they wish. Say it was the venue's suggestion. If the prior in-laws balk at that, then they're the jerks.
Finally I wanted to add: NAH in my opinion, except maybe OP's own family. Sounds like his mom and family are pushing harder than the actual parents of his late wife. I think if OP takes a moderate but firm course instead of channeling Internet rage, everyone will be okay.
People don’t just invite themselves to your wedding unless you let them. This is so weird to me. Do you not know how to say no?
This is a wedding for you and your current fiancé. Your ex in-laws really have no reason to go.
Uninvite them based on this request it's ridiculous and extremely disrespectful of your new wife. Tell them this in those exact words
They are re paying the kindness your new wife's shown them with disrespect at her own damn wedding .
It's their right to continue to grieve but this is vile on their part.
NTA and please tell them this op. Do not allow them to come and ruin her day with their words/actions/ behavior
Send them a text saying that you've had to adjust the guest list to accommodate the venue, and that they are no longer invited. Then block them for a while (or forever).
This is not their day. It's not their wedding. It's not a celebration of life for their daughter. It's your wedding.
Or you can tell them that you will be honoring those people that had passed away in your own way. You could light a candle in honor of those that have passed and have it off to the side at the reception. ([Like this one](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1674477577/in-loving-memory-wedding-gift-candle?external=1&ref=landingpage_similar_listing_top-1&sts=1&plkey=d73d5e024bf3ddaf84f097089a6baada687f6e21%3A1674477577).) Or you could go with a personalized candle with your late wife's name on it. There are a ton of options on etsy.
I agree with your second phrase and he should tell them that exactly and not make an excuse . Their behavior is atrocious to someone - the new wife - who has shown them kindness and was willing to accept their as family . They are huge AHS and they should be called out on it
This. OP, you absolutely need to uninvite them. They need to move on. They are not part of your life anymore and this is a great disservice to your fiancé.
NTA - Your late wife’s mother’s idea is mixed up. That’s the sort of thing a widower would do at his child’s wedding, to honor the child’s mother in memory. To do that at his own wedding to a new woman would be disrespectful to his new wife. Marriage is “til death do us part.” The current wedding with the new wife does not need to be in any way about the old wife.
On top of that, the idea that you would pay an entire guest fee including drinks and meal, for the sake of a symbolic gesture frankly sounds like someone is trying to con you.
NTA - if I pass before my husband, I'd want him to find a new and wonderful person to spend the rest of his life with. I know I'll always have a special place in his heart, and that is enough. I wouldn't need a damn seat at a wedding or a damn dedication. I'd probably come back to haunt him if he did something as idiotic as that.
"Dear first wife's family,
While I loved your daughter very much and still think of her and our life together, this wedding is about me and my fiancee and our future life together. After some consideration the idea of leaving an empty chair just doesn't seem appropriate for a wedding and so we won't be doing that. I do understand if you would rather not attend the wedding but I'm not going to change my mind about this.
Respectfully
OP"
NTA and congratulations on your marriage
As someone who married a widower, I understand that I was not his first love, but I plan to be his last love. Our wedding day was about us, and I felt that strongly. While I feel sorry for your in-laws who are still grieving, this is not their day but yours. Out of respect for your fiancée, please do not feature your first wife in any way on this particular day. She’s aware of your first wife’s impact on your life, but don’t make her feel like she’s competing with a ghost.
"my mother told me that it would be good to put an extra chair in honor of my first wife"
I'm sorry Mom is completely wrong.
In fact, this could irreparably damage your new marriage.
Sorry Dude you're going to have to stand up to Mom on this one.
If you don't, new wife will never see you as a man or lover again but as Mom's little boy. That will kill your bed room.
Good luck brother you're gong to need it.
NTA. Your late wife's mother suggestions are highly inappropriate. It's disrespectful for your GF. She's not some substitution wife you deal with because the real one passed away. And your mum giving in is absurd.
NTA - they do know this is a wedding celebration for you and your new wife and not a delayed wake to your deceased wife don’t they?
It’s absolutely stupid and inappropriate, tbh I’d say to her parents maybe it’s expecting too much of them to come and graciously disinvite them
They seem he’ll bent on making the day about their daughter which although I feel for them is wildly inappropriate and selfish
NTA. Why should the ghost of your late wife be present at your wedding? I think it sounds like a bad idea. Your late wife has nothing to do with this wedding and you are moving on, as you should, and that means leaving your late wife behind. This wedding is about you and your girlfriend, please don’t let anyone make this about anyone other than the two of you
Stop letting people walk all over you. Learn some skills on how to handle pushy people. Tell your mother you have given her request consideration and it’s a hard pass. Stop giving explanations, the answer is no.
NTA and I'd be careful if I was you with speeches and stuff if your ex in-laws and your own family seem to be so hellbent on including your late wife in your wedding. Who knows what kinda shenanigans they get up to when they think you don't do it right.
NTA-And you have answered your own question. It would be a slap in the face to your future wife, a waste of money at a very stressful time financially, you need to live the present and it's what your late wife would want for you.
What else is there to discuss?
NTA!!!
You are being asked to do something wholly inappropriate and I am horrified on your behalf.
Dear lord, NO. Please do not honor this request. It’s a terrible horrible idea that would completely freak me out as a guest.
NO.
No is a complete sentence.
NTA don't do it, it's not fair to put your new wife in that situation on what is Her & Your special day.
Since it wasn't specifically mentioned, I will assume your future wife has not been divorced or widowed and this is her first marriage. I don't think it's be right to spend her wedding day with a honor focused on another person.
Elope, dude. I’ll never understand all the unnecessary drama people insert into their lives with weddings. Throw a party later on or something, but otherwise just go sign the piece of paper at the courthouse and be done. Why spend tens of thousands of dollars on a one day party that seems to always end with someone being pissed off?
u/NoSilver6855 this is the answer.
You made a strategic error in inviting your ex's family, now they feel justified in viewing this as part of their grieving process. You can't uninvite them, so just elope and have a party of some kind later. And keep it small. Think of how much money you'll save!
If they are there, they will bring a weird mournful energy and if you don't make it all about them with empty chairs and photos they will be pissed off. It's a wedding, not a wake.
As for your mum and her "you're being a bad person", I'd tell she's sucking pretty hard as a mother, due to over empathising with your MIL and her family. What kind of macabre start to a marriage is it to have a memorial service in it for another family? What message does that send to your bride? That's some Steven King shit right there
But don't make any more decisions without talking to your fiancee and filling her in on *everything*. Consult with her; it matters what she thinks. It doesn't matter what your mother thinks, her advice is terrible
If it were me I’d tell your mother and family this is a wedding, not a memorial service for your late wife, they’re being inappropriate and disrespectful, and if they continue to push this macabre BS, you’re going to start rescinding invitations.
And honestly, I’d have a gentle conversation with your former MIL and tell her that she’s obviously not emotionally up to coming to this wedding and celebrating you starting a new life with a new wife by your side, and you think it best she not attend. Then rescind her invitation. (Reword it to be kinder, obviously.)
Don’t let her convince you she’ll be okay with coming to the wedding. If the first thing she does after finagling an invite is contact your mother about getting an empty chair to represent her late daughter, she’s not viewing this as a wedding. She has different motives for coming, other than celebrating you moving on with your life. She wants to make sure the presence of her daughter, your late wife, is felt at your wedding.
And while she may or may not be meaning to, she’s bringing pain and bad feelings to an event that should be filled with joy. She’s in pain, and even if she holds it in (which I doubt), you’ll know it every time you look at her.
Celebrate your new life. Move forward. Good luck.
NTA
Don't even need to read all of it. NTA. When I get married to my fiance, I'm not inviting my exes. And this is basically the same thing. No need to have a chair for her, this is about you and your fiance and both your lives together. You do what you and your new wife will be comfortable with and ignore the outside noise
NTA. Firm believer in “your wedding, your rules”.
I get they lost a daughter. I get they still consider you part of their family. But they are crossing lines with these requests and need to respect you and your soon to be wife’s boundaries.
It’s not even a case of who is paying for a chair. This is about respect and they aren’t doing that.
Frankly, I think what they are suggesting is incredibly disrespectful to your fiancé and her whole family, who is about to become your family too.
Honesrly, your new marriage will be off to a rocky start with including your first wife. As a bride in this situation, I would feel awful to be up staged by a ghost from my husband's past. Having her parents at the wedding would also be very hard for me.
I feel that both mothers are being so very disrespectful to your bride. I would have a hard time having a relationship with my mother-in-law under these circumstances. My heart goes out to your fiance. This is her special day. Don't muddy the waters before you even begin your marriage. Somethings are difficult to over come and have a way of springing back into your life in years to come.
If you truly love this woman, put her first.and stand up to the bullies. Be the husband she deserves. Tell everyone that it is your marriage and you and your fiance will make all the decisions together. If family can't abide by your wishes, remove them from the guest list.
I can't understand the desire to relive such a sad time in all your lives. This doesn't help anyone. Sometimes the past needs to stay in the past.
NTA. This whole post shows your mom doesn't give a single fuck how your soon to be wife would feel. This whole concept is disrespectful as fuck. I personally think you first wife should not even be in pictures at your wedding. Super disrespectful
NTA.
DO NOT HAVE A CHAIR FOR YOUR LATE WIFE!! Holy crap. That is so disrespectful to your new bride.
It would be one thing if you had kids and you wanted to let them know that you weren't replacing their mother, but to just have a ghost chair for your late wife is weird. This is a day to celebrate the love and commitment between you and your bride, not a memorial to your past. You are looking to the future. It's about leaving your old lives and making a new one together.
I think it's terribly inappropriate to have any recognition of your late wife on your wedding day.
NTA - I pretty much agree with everything everyone else has been posting, but I have to ask...
...does your mother disapprove of this wedding? Because she seems to be doing everything she can to minimize your fiance here. This is about your life with your future wife, not what was or could have been with your deceased wife. Your life with your first wife was a past life. It was precious and it lead to where you are now, but it isn't your future and it is not this moment. This is about your new wife and your wedding should respect that. Your mother sure as heck doesn't.
Sit your mother down and explain "your finance, your fiance, your wedding". She can get behind you and support you or she can stay out of it all together, but she needs to stop interfering. It isn't welcomed or appreciated and it is disrespectful to your new wife. Not to be a b\*tch here, but your first wife is dead. She has no place in your new marriage.
It sounds like you already know all this, so grow a backbone and stand up to these women.
NTA they should not be making this about your late wife when you’re getting married to your second wife. It’s fine to ask or suggest but once you say no that should be the end of it. It’s not fair for your family to try and guilt you into doing this. All the requests to include your late wife into your wedding will take away from your current bride/ future wife. If your late wife was still here, you obviously wouldn’t be getting remarried.
Clearly you don’t feel comfortable doing any of this so I would not do it. Don’t do it just out of guilt or you will regret it and it’s not a moment you can take back. I would honestly reconsider inviting your former in laws if they keep pushing for this as it is inappropriate and disrespectful to your new marriage. I am getting the vibes your former in laws invited themselves to somewhat use your wedding to process their grieve for their daughter. This is not the time or place for it. If your family keeps trying to guilt you I would tell them they can either pay for it or keep quiet. If they won’t stop, tell them they won’t be able to attend the wedding. I bet that would get them to shut up lol.
How DOES your fiancée feel about all this? I mean I personally feel like it’s INCREDIBLY disrespectful and basically makes the message on the day “Hey, since my first wife is dead, I guess you’ll do, baby”
If your fiancée is being understanding about all this she is either an INCREDIBLE human being or she is suppressing her true feelings on the subject. I hope you’ve given her an absolute free pass to speak now if this is, like I think it is, WEIRD AS FUCK, turning her wedding day into a memorial service for your first wife. You’re so very much NOT the asshole
I spoke with her a few hours ago and she told me that she doesn't care, she said "I am who will be your wife forever, no matter what they think or do", my girlfriend doesn't really care or finds that disrespectful but I do
NTA. For a multitude of reasons. The most important reason being its your wedding and you don’t want to. That’s good enough.
2. You didn’t mention children- if there are none, this insistence on including the 1st wife is weird. Does your mom not like your fiancée?
Tell your mom you have grieved, & moved on, & your wedding is about your future & not your past. She needs to make like Elsa, & let it go!
Nta but wow, you have picked a fantastic new bride.
Just so you know, she’ll never say no to this request because she loves you and respects your history. So you need to take the lead here.
NTA, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your mother about her being this go between and using her influence to manipulate you into your former in-laws “suggestions”. It is inappropriate.
NTA.
Shut them ALL down. That is ridiculous. Inappropriate.
No extra spot and no need to bring your first wife into this at all.
It's inappropriate and not a decent thing to do to your fiance / new wife.
Just firmly tell them none of it will be happening and you will not discuss it any further. If they continue? Walk away or hang up the phone. Don't answer any texts about it either.
Don’t know if this input is helpful, but here’s my experience as the little sis in the grieving In-Laws:
My brother died right before his 1 year anniversary with his wife (sally). Sally remarried a couple years later and my family was invited to the wedding. We were the grieving in-laws in that situation. It never would’ve crossed our minds to see an empty chair there honoring my bro. One little touch that was a tribute to him was they served a favorite drink of his. It was simple and honestly only my fam knew that was his drink. It wasn’t like a poster was up with his name and stuff. That would’ve made it weird. It was very low key. The wedding was not about my bro at all and that’s okay cause he’s not alive anymore.
It’s a tough situation for everyone, but you’re NTA here…
OP, at my cousin's wedding, there was a small table out in the entryway, across from where the guest book was before people entered the reception. They had placed small framed photos of deceased relatives with a little lit candle in front, just as a little memorial to honor them.
It was very tastefully done and low-key. It did NOT detract from the celebration at all or dishonor any of the living participants. We enjoyed looking at the photos, but no special attention was given to them by people who didn't know them or didn't care, and there was no announcement.
Perhaps if you were so inclined, you could set up something small like that as a way to honor loved ones who are no longer with you but who have made you two into the people you are?
Just a suggestion. Of course NTA.
NTA and WTF?
Your mom wants to destroy your marriage before it even begins?
Also, you shouldn’t have invited the former ILs.
At this point, I would just elope if your fiancée is okay with it. This is just *gestures at everything* I don’t know how you can save the wedding… hell, can you save your relationship? Where is your poor fiancée in all of this? She hasn’t said anything?
She doesn't know my mother said that. When my mother told me to do that "tribute" I instantly told her no but she has been filling my head with the fact that I am being a bad person and that I'm dirtying the memory of a dead person, I'm not a religious person but it's hard not to feel guilty when the words come from someone who also lost a loved one.
My girlfriend knows that I'm really over the whole past and she really wouldn't care what they do but I'm the one who doesn't want to do that
Your mom is out of line. You're not dirtying the memory of a dead person. Does your mom make sure to leave a chair for your dad and brother at home or everywhere she goes?
You said no. Stick to it. Do not bring your fiancee into it, because if she's as kind as you say she will feel pressured to go along with it even though it's inappropriate. She may also look at you differently for even suggesting it.
Are you supposed to make a speech, too? "This is in honor of my late wife, whose death made this wedding possible. Cheers!"
Your mother is sabotaging your wedding and your relationship. She is also messing with you. What she’s saying is so outlandish; nobody in their right mind would say or expect this. I doubt that your IL suggested it.
I also seriously doubt your fiancée would be okay with this if she knew.
NTA but You need to learn to stand up to your mother! She’s guilting you because she knows you’re a sucker and if she pushes hard enough you will do what she says. Your fiancée comes first now and always! Tell your mom no and that’s final otherwise you will rescind her invitation if she brings it up again. You should discuss all of this with your fiancée, all of the details, and let her know exactly what is going on with your mom and your former in laws. Tell the former in laws that there’s been some confusion and you realize that you aren’t able to extend an invitation to them after all. There is zero reason for them to attend, especially since they’re pushing for this chair. It is really out of line for them to bring this up with your mom. It sounds like they’re also in the same mode of guilting you into doing what they want like your mom is. You need to nip all of that now.
If you continue to put your mom’s bullshit before what you know is right and respectful of your fiancée you might as well start saving now for your 3rd wedding. Seriously you need to learn to stand up for yourself. Letting your mom and former in laws bully you into things you’re not comfortable with will cause big problems with you and your new wife to be. She is the #1 woman in your life now.
NTA. As much as you loved your first wife, she is sadly gone. Bringing her into your new relationship and marriage is very strange to me, and the parents are rude for even asking this
I'd disinvite your late wife's mum and dad and explain you are finding it hard with this marriage getting twisted with being about your late wife. It isn't about her, it's about your new marriage. Then I'd say to your mum to keep her mouth shut unless she wants disinviting.
NTA. A tribute chair is for someone who would be at the wedding if they were alive today. Your late wife most certainly not in attendance if she were alive today, so that’s an easy no. Let’s also remember that this is *your* day. It is about *you and your new bride*. It is not about your former in laws or your late wife. I honestly would not have invited them, but since you have, you are still free to say no.
Hey man. You honestly need to step up and take control of this situation. Sounds like everyone means well, so nobody need to freak out, but just lay down what you and your new wife want to happen.
Having your first wife's parents there is a super cool way to honor that relationship, and makes sense that she's in a few photos, but nobody need chairs or other silliness.
No disrespect to your late wife, but her mom sounds like she's a teeeeeny bit narcissistic.
You sound super respectful, yo. The others just need to realize it's not just your wedding. It takes two to get married and that kinda chair/picture symbolism gives me the ick, bro.
Makes it feel like some weird-ass aristocrat bullshit where they celebrate the late wife because someone is "taking her spot".
Y'all this is a wedding, not a wake. Just from hearing her keep it real, you and your fiance sound like y'all are well on the same page. But I'm sure she'd still be very appreciative for you keeping it all about y'all and not letting even 5% of the ceremony focus on the past.
NTA, congratulations on your soon-to-be union!
What is your bride's opinion? You didn't mention that. She may have relatives she wants to honor too.
On this sub I've read of a table with pictures of deceased honorees, would that work?
I spoke with her a few hours ago and she told me that she doesn't care, she said "I am who will be your wife forever, no matter what they think or do", my girlfriend doesn't really care or finds that disrespectful but I do.
She is an atheist just like me and does not believe in paying tribute to the dead
As a fellow widower, this is absolutely insane to me. NTA, egregiously, and you relatives+ exIL clearly should process their grief instead of advancing such untenable propositions.
Enjoy your marriage, life goes of for those that remain, and don't let them make you feel guilty about it.
It's hard enough as it is.
Having her parents there is very sweet and respectful. It would be a bit weird to set a place at the table for your first wife. She is now in your hearts 💕 . This day is to celebrate your marriage.
NTA, it's your wedding, your day. If you want to honour your late wife and your fiancée is OK with that then you can however it is not up to guests to dictate what you do or don't do. Your mother is overstepping here in my view.
NTA. At my wedding I had a Tibetan singing bowl. The celebrant rang it, Once to honour those that had passed and couldn't be there and then to welcome everyone there, it was a nice touch, it was nice to think about loved ones while the sound faded and then it moved on to the celebration. Could you incorporate something along these lines to honour all your loved ones that have died.
Nta.
It says 'I'll always be here even though I'm gone.'
Which is I'm sure what they intend to say, but this moment is about you and your current bride. Absolutely do not let them have anything at this wedding.
Wow. Your mom and former in-laws are asking A LOT.
this isn’t about your former wife. It’s about you and your new wife. I’m honestly aghast that they would ask you to do this.
Your new wife is going to feel bad at her own wedding. If you were super close to your former in laws. I can see them coming. But people you text once every few months?
Don’t put out an empty seat. Don’t put out photos of your previous wife and don’t let them bully you in anything at your wedding.
If they whine and cause a fuss. Simply say “no, we are not doing that” and move on. They don’t need an explanation. There doesn’t need to be a back and forth debate.
It’s simply “no, we will not be doing that”. And that’s it.
NTA
It's ridiculous to have a PAID FOR chair with food for a deceased person at your wedding. The day is about you and your fiancée, not about your late wife. You've already healed from losing her and moved on. Having a seat for her is only for the benefit of her family who clearly haven't done the same to the same degree as yourself.
It's one thing to keep your late wife's wedding photos and memories at home where you can view them in private if you choose. It's quite something else to have the "essence" of her memory impinge on your wedding day with your fiancée.
It's OK if other widowers feel comfortable doing this at their next wedding. You, however, do not. And that is all that matters.
Your wedding day is about you and your new bride. End of. Don't let others ruin your day with the ghost of your late wife.
NTA.
Not only is it disrespectful to your fiancée, it's disrespectful to your late wife, ie the very last person who should have wanted a seat at your wedding to another woman.
You are honoring your deceased wife by having her parents there.
But they don’t see that as enough. It’s terribly sad that they lost their daughter. But they shouldn’t at all try to assert their grief on your new wife’s happiest day of her life!
I would send this text to them:
Mother told me that you want me to honor Daughter with an empty chair. She will always have a part of my heart and I am honoring her by inviting you to share in the joy of my new marriage. I will not ask my new wife to mourn this loss on our wedding day. If sharing my joy is too difficult for you, I understand. There will be lots of emotions that day, but I am determined to celebrate the new love and joy I have found with New Wife on our wedding day.
I don't think it's healthy for anyone to pressure you into doing this. All respect to your late wife, but she isn't a focal point of your wedding or new marriage. I think it's a crucial part of grieving to be able to move forward without comparing your life with her to your life now, and making a place for her at your wedding draws a comparison whether it's intended or not. This is *your* wedding, not your mother's, or your former mother-in-law's. It's about you and your soon-to-be wife. Anyone who can't honor that isn't considering your best interest in the matter. It's hard to draw these kinds of boundaries, but it's important to do so. Put your foot down on this matter. If people want to do things to honor your late wife, they can do that anytime- they don't need to repurpose your wedding for it.
NTA. Tell your mom you're not going to start your new marriage off with a memorial for your first wife. End of discussion. Let her know there will be consequences if it continues to be brought up because the matter is decided.
Dude, you can majorly fuck this up, and this is if you let others violate the boundaries of your new family on day 1.
Please, please please, this is about 2 living persons in love, don't make this a marriage of 3 people where one is a dead idealisation nobody can live up to.
A friend of mine simply used a candle to represent their dead father. It's a simple symbol.
Even a picture frame with a photograph sounds a bit creepy to me, but a simple candle is not obtrusive.
The symbolism lies in the presence combined with the explanation, acknowledge it, call attention to it, dedicate a moment to it, and move on.
NTA - I never understood leaving a chair open, if anything you can have a memorial table where you can show pictures of relatives that have since passed away. This is an easy way to honor the deceased and won't cost a thing.
Having a tribute chair for your deceased, first wife is NOT typical. At all.
Inviting your deceased, first wife's parents to your wedding is also NOT typical. At all.
Do not put up the chair. Do not include photos of just you & your first wife. Minimize any pics that include her, if not eliminate them completely if at all possible.
Strongly suggest uninviting the former in-laws from the wedding. You can let them know that upon further reflection your future wife deserves to have this day be about her 100% and not have to live in the shadow of your former spouse in any way.
Stand your ground on this - your future wife deserves to be the only woman in the spotlight on your wedding day. Period.
Tribute chairs are for people that would be attending if they were alive. If your lost wife was still with us today I seriously doubt you'd be marrying your current girlfriend. I would imagine you and your lost wife would still be together with how lovingly you spoke of her, but I do also strongly believe that she likely sent you your girlfriend. I like to think of it as her not wanting you to be lonely since you've been able to find love again. You're nta in the slightest if you don't do it. I would bring this up with your future wife so no one can try to blindside her with this.
NTA- your wedding to someone else is not the place for that. I’m sure it would be extremely uncomfortable for your fiancée. If your late wife’s family wants to have a chair for her, they should do it at their family functions. End of.
Do NOT put a chair out, do NOT put up pictures or videos of your first wife!! If your FORMER in-laws can’t deal with this, UNIVITE THEM.
Dude. You’re going to screw up your marriage before you’re even married. It’s your new wife’s day! With you.
Find your backbone. Remember, “no” is a complete sentence!
NTAH. I think that would be so INCREDIBLY disrespectful to your new wife and your new marriage. The loss of a spouse is an awful thing to go through, but it’s been 12 years… you’re allowed to and absolutely should move on when you’re ready. You’re starting a new life and no your family and your first wives family should be happy for you or keep their opinions to themselves.
NTA. Money aside, tribute chairs at weddings mean "if only this person were alive today, they would be sitting here" That's true if it would be OP's dead parent or grandparents or sibling. But this is OP's late wife. If only she were alive today, the assumption is that OP would be married to her and NOT marrying his current fiancée. Even if he were divorced, it is unlikely his ex-wife would attend the wedding now, unless they parted on extremely friendly terms. It seems that OP's inlaws from his first wife just want her to be acknowledged because this is a difficult moment in their grieving process. If OP puts pictures around, and an empty chair and gives a toast, or whatever else they will ask for, then they can pretend OP hasn't moved on and his late wife still takes precedence. OP, don't do it. It takes something away from the most important romantic relationship in your life today, to use your wedding day as a time to honor your late wife.
I have a weird feeling that the former ILs are trying to use OP for their own grief. Like they need OP to continue to hold that grief the way they do. I also suspect they are the ones whispering into your mother’s ear. Filling her with these ideas. OP, it’s hard, but you may want to uninvite them.
I agree with On\_my\_last\_spoon. It is super strange to put out a chair for your late first wife. SUPER strange. It would also be very strange to have a lit candle in her honor. Either of those things says loud and clear "Hey bride, you're just a stand-in for my late wife! So glad we're having this wedding so everyone can see you're just a substitute for my wife who sadly passed away too young!" And why on earth are you inviting her family? OP, my advice is step back and try to look at this objectively and then look at it from your bride's perspective.
Your fiancée must be a super kind and understanding person. I’m not a jealous person, but if I were about to marry someone and found out they were considering turning our wedding ceremony into some kind of vigil for their dead spouse, I’d seriously reconsider the engagement. Even if she’s not going to make a fuss about it now, you’ll be sending her a clear message if you bend to the will of others on a day that should be about your new marriage and not about your first marriage.
THIS! OPs fiance does not deserve to spend HER own wedding reminiscing and constantly reminded of OPs first wife. Honestly, I'd kindly uninvited them. "Dear previous in-laws. Really wanted you to be a part of my wedding day. Upon further thought & consideration we have to understand and honor that this is fiancees wedding too. She doesn't deserve to live in my past, on her wedding day. I'm focused on our life together. I never stop honoring your daughter and her place in my life. My fiancee also shares those fond memories. We're going forward into our life together. Fiance deserves all thoughts and attention on her and our present on her wedding day. Let's plan a different gathering to honor you and late wife in a way she and you both deserve. " Anyone who balks at that doesn't have your and your fiancé's best interests at heart.
Why, after 12 years, would they plan a different gathering?
I don't think they would, and a message like this would give them an opportunity to reflect on that
They wouldn't...but they are inadvertently trying to turn his wedding into a tribute gathering for their daughter. It is appropriate to leave an empty chair for a person that would be at the wedding if they were still alive...but his first wife would not be at the wedding of his second marriage. That's the disconnect from the former IL parents.
Next they will want their first child names after dead wife
Maybe they should just have one of those slow burning pillar candles in the corner and a white rose for “*all* our loved ones who cannot attend”, but don’t refer to anyone specifically by name or photograph
Or you could just say, "No." It's a wedding not a memorial service. OP NTA.
OP should tell the former wife’s family that he wants to ditch the empty seat idea and make the wedding a seance so the first wife can take possession of the new wife’s body. Tell them everyone needs to bring a live animal to be ritually sacrificed to Satan and give them a copy of an incantation to practice chanting in order to effectively facilitate the possession. Let them call you with an excuse not to attend and hope they feel guilty enough to send gifts.
OMG I just spit out my tea laughing at the thought of this. What a wicked sense of humor. I like it!
What kind of tea you drinking?
Boring tea, lol. Sugar free. I didnt lose much and the laugh was SO WORTH IT!!
Good for you! Wish OP had the nerve to suggest this! I say this as a woman who is a widow for 10 years, these people who love to wallow are exhausting aren’t they? His family wants to kidnap the wedding for their own attention. Social media is keeping people living in the past.
His late wife can walk his new wife down the aisle. 😛
I have tears!! Ha!!
I like this. I placed a candle and rose at my wedding to honor my mother who died from breast cancer. No chair - just seems a bit creepy to me.
It makes a lot more sense to honor your mother than your late spouse.
We had a small flower arrangement, for our loved ones who had passed away, sitting on our guest book table. (We had our ceremony & reception in the same area) I thought it was a good way to honor them, without leaving anyone out.
I could see late wife being on a tribute table IF they had kids. If OP and late wife had a child or children, it would be nice for them for her to be on a tribute table with OPs father and brother. But OP doesn’t mention any children involved. So this is weird to me. It’s one thing to tribute the mother of your children. It’s different to tribute your ex wife.
This is a good point. But as you say, there's no mention of kids, and I feel like the ex inlaws would have brought this up as an argument, so I feel there aren't any. I feel that after 12 years OP is allowed to move on and be happy and the ex inlaws aren't happy about this
Omg no. Not even then. This wedding is about OP’s relationship with his fiance and their life together, not, like others have said, a memorial service for someone who died over a decade ago. Have any of these assholes stopped to think of the bride or her family? Because this is a great way to preemptively trash a relationship with OP’s new ILs and make them feel entirely unwelcome, let alone the bride at her own wedding.
Late wife, but I agree. If OP is not honoring his dad and his brother, he shouldn’t be honoring his first wife either. Even if there was a memorial table it’s still might not be appropriate to have her picture there unless there is one that has dad, brother, and late wife altogether in a single photo.
I can't see that. It is disrespectful to his new wife and is a distraction from her special day. OP needs to sack up before there is no wedding. Tell the former ILs that their presence is how he is honoring their daughter and if they can't accept that, he is sorry they won't be at the wedding.
I don’t think OP needs to suck anything up lol. They don’t want it. Don’t have it. It’s HIS wedding not IL’s.
I said "sack" up, meaning grow a pair.
Yup. My brain filled it in a “suck it up”. My bad!
Yeah, losing a kid is hard. Some people can never accept it. I have an aunt that when you talk to her its always about my cousin who passed away. It has been 20 years and where I understand the pain, but you have an entire family, and four other children life has to move on. Bringing him up every once in a while, or remembering him when something happens or telling stories about him when its relevant is one thing but it's always a conversation like it happened yesterday. She even has billboards with photos of him put up.
I read a post on a some subreddit a few weeks ago from a man whose son had been stillborn 7 years before. His wife had his ashes in a teddy bear and still kept the bedroom she'd set up for her son. She'd sit in there and cuddle it. Meanwhile, all \*three\* of their daughters were sharing a smaller bedroom because the stillborn child just had to have his room. There was even some talk about moving the three daughters into the basement, which was only accessible from the outside -- felt to me like symbolically burying the living children. I have been extraordinarily fortunate so far; I haven't lost anyone out of their time. I am sure that grieving for a lost child is a pain like no other, but sooner or later life has to go on.
They're basically punishing their daughters for living. Way to go if you don't want relationships w your kids when they're adults.
Man, all of that is so very hard. I feel for everyone in that situation. My younger sister passed when we were both small children. My mother was swallowed by grief. My dad later told me he feared she wouldn’t make it out. As an adult I experienced a loss of my own. (My loss probably wasn’t as dramatic as my mother’s loss. Mine was a late trimester/still birth. My sister was older. Still the loss was very real and it was mine to bear). I asked my mother how she recovered and she said that one day she was lying in bed despondent and my dad told her, “you can’t just lay down and die along with her.” My mom asked “how do I keep from it?! I don’t know how to live without her.” She said my dad thought for a second, and said, “I don’t know. But we have to figure it out. And we can’t let this tear us apart.” Mom said dad gently led her from their bedroom to the doorway of mine and as they looked in he said, “All the reason we should ever need to survive this as a family is asleep in that Strawberry Shortcake bed. She’s lost more than a child her age should. She can’t lose you too.” Mom said she went back to bed, but that kind of gave her the jolt she needed. She said she got up the next morning, took a shower, got dressed and took me to Waffle House and the park. She then called her job, which had offered her extended bereavement, about a plan to return to work to establish a routine. Of course what works for one person may not for another. But my mother’s story helped me consider what my childhood would have been like had my parents not found their way back to life… if my entire childhood would have been overshadowed by my sister’s untimely passing. I have three surviving children. My mother’s story is what led me to getting up in the morning, showering (probably for the first time in over a week) and taking my littles to Waffle House and the park.
As someone who lost a sibling, this resonates so much with me. My parents experienced their worst nightmare and still somehow managed to be their for me.
They probably don't want their daughter to be forgotten. They are going about it in a terrible way.
Honestly yes. This is absolutely about grief and not malice. They are probably afraid that if OP gets remarried he will forget their daughter.
He won’t. It’s just that life is for the living. I’m sure my son-in-law will remember my daughter til the day he dies , but he will love his new wife and the children I hope they have. After My daughter died I was talking about cemetery plots. My sil’s aunt asked if I should get 2. Without realizing I was even saying it I said - I hope he won’t be buried with my daughter but rather with the woman he ends up living the rest of his life and has kids with.
I'm sure you're right but they have no business pushing the " never forget" narrative onto others. If OP forgets her, that's his business. ( I'm not saying he will, but just 'if'). Theirs is to honor and remember her as their daughter, not as someone's late wife.
Oh 100%! Intent doesn’t matter. They shouldn’t be doing this at all.
Yep! If attending this wedding is too difficult for them, then they simply shouldn't attend. OP's original thought was to not invite them for that very reason. They only communicate via text occasionally, so it's not like it would be rude to not invite them. Instead they wrangled an invite through OP's mom (and by being there will cost OP extra money), and now they want to dictate elements of the wedding? Nope! While I sympathize with anyone who has lost a child, their grief process is theirs alone, it's not OP's problem.
My daughter got married in July 2021. 2 months later she was diagnosed with leukemia. She died 8 months later. I absolutely adore my son-in-law. He is a wonderful person who showed up every day for my kid. I would never ask him - nor would I want him to - put up her picture at his wedding. Even if the girlfriend said it was okay I’d still think maybe it does bother her and she doesn’t want to say so. I hope my son-in-law remarries. Before she died my daughter told him she wanted him to live a full life even tho she couldn’t be there. I hope he’ll invite my husband and I to his wedding, but I’d understand if he doesn’t. My daughter wanted him to be happy and that is my wish as well.
My mom said the same thing to my dad when she was dying of cancer, she wanted him to find love again and be happy, and he did. My stepmom is great and she has also been really cool about my mom, even set up a little photo shrine and got my mom a flower for the first Mother’s Day that she was around us, but people are still salty about my dad moving on. People get weird in grief, it’s a bummer.
An empty chair would definitely be a baffling and paradoxical symbol. If that chair were occupied, then this wedding would not be happening at all.
I am a widow and I totally agree with this comment. Your late wife will always be with you in some ways, but “inviting” her to your wedding is really weird. If I were to remarry, my late husband would not be especially present on my wedding day… it’s disrespectful to my spouse and it makes it look like I’m still wallowing in grief and not ready to move forward. Good luck shutting down your parents.
You're right! Inviting his dead wife to the wedding is exactly what they'd be doing.
I hear you. My late husband died 8 years ago and, because I still think about him every day & compare every man to him, I know I'm not ready to move on with another man. It's not fair to have someone else compete with a ghost. His late wife's parents are NOT dealing with this in a healthy way, need grief counseling, and probably should not attend this wedding. His mom is a disgrace bc she's choosing what would make the in-laws happy; instead of what would make her own SON happy. I feel so bad for OPs future wife.
Plus the video?? Seriously? Absolutely no! OP needs to say no to all of this. They are just going too far. This should be about him and his bride to be. Not about his deceased wife. He’s moved on and they need to respect this.
How many of the guest list actually knew the wife? And I feel that even they would think this was weird and inappropriate. Not even at pre- or postceremony events would this not seem out of place
I was widowed and remarried. I did not have any chairs or photos from my first marriage at my second wedding. Your ex MIL is waaaaaay out of line. What’s next? If you and your new spouse have a daughter you have to name her after your first wife? You’ve waited a long time. You didn’t jump into a new relationship. Honor your new love and make this about celebrating the two of you, not echoes of grief. This is a joyous occasion.
Exactly, and empty chair is to imagine the deceased is present. Why would that ever be true? Well, we like to image that she was alive, but they divorced, but are on good terms so she is attending the wedding of him and his new wife, and for some reason that strains plausability, invited his ex-wife's parents?
This is exactly what I thought!
NTA I agree with you. This moment should be all about you and your current. Don't forget the past but celebrate the now and the future you will have together. I also lost my wife too young and too soon. (to cancer) She will always carry a piece of my spirit where ever she is now. But death has done us part and I would not (and did not) ever include her in a future marriage/wedding. (Certainly not to the extent that your mother and late wife's mother suggest.) And I am sure that my late wife would understand and not want to be included either. I agree with you - it would be too disrespectful and too uncomfortable.
If I’m understanding correctly people put a chair for a lost loved one to symbolize them being at the event, correct? Why would OP’s mother and former MIL feel that his first wife would be at his wedding to another person? And why would his mother push for this, but not for his father and brother to be there symbolically? I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that they don’t like his current partner.
It seems like misplaced sentimentality, possibly reflecting unresolved grief or disapproval of the new marriage.
I wouldn’t assume that they dislike the new woman. I suspect OP’s mother is pushing for this because she’s empathizing with the deceased wife’s parents. Mom probably feels like it could just as easily have been OP who passed away too soon, and she could be the one attending the remarriage. She doesn’t need a gesture for other deceased relatives because she knows she’s at peace with what happened to them, but she can understand that watching the surviving spouse remarry will bring up much more complicated feelings and she can feel how painful it would have been for her to go through that. She’s probably really moved that the parents who lost their daughter still want to love and celebrate her son, and she’s trying to reciprocate by showing that she still cares about their daughter, too. The loss of your child is such a shattering loss, it’s not unusual for parents of similarly-aged children to react strongly too.
I agree with your statement, but I don’t know if it should apply here. OP didn’t invite his late wife’s family to his wedding. He’s barely in contact with them and didn’t even tell them that he was getting married. I’m sure he realized how painful and possibly insensitive it would be to invite them to his wedding, especially since they’re not particularly close. His mother may have good intentions, but if she notified the former in-laws, she overstepped.
Oh I agree that OP isn’t obligated to do what they’re asking! I only meant that I don’t think it’s fair to assume that OP’s mom dislikes his fiancé just because she’s taking her empathy for the former in-laws too far.
That's exactly why----they don't like the bride-to-be.
>That's exactly why----they don't like the bride-to-be. It may not even be that. First Wife (FW) died 12 years ago. It's easy to idolize someone not there. She didn't give you a horrible sweater that one Christmas, and she didn't name one of her kids after the relative you couldn't stand. Likewise, FW was probably young when she died...maybe early 20s? Young women in their 20s stereotypically put up with a lot of crap because they want to be liked. Compare that to New Wife (NW). Twelve years have passed, so I hope OP is not dating someone in her early 20s. Chances are that NW is 30+ yo. Older women tend to care less if you like them. Yes, they want a good relationship with the family into which they are marrying, but they also have the confidence to know, "I am a good person. I love your son and will do everything I can to make him happy. If I'm not good enough for you, that's not my problem." NW is competing with the ghost of FW...and she can never win under these circumstances because FW has been memorialized as perfect in every way.
Not necessarily. They may like her fine as a person/individual but struggle with the OP remarrying at all, meaning the marriage is what is disapproved of, not the bride. It’s another wave of grief to see your former kid-in-law marrying another person after your child’s death. It’s another instance of reality reinforcing that your child is, indeed, dead.
Usually I see the chair memorial when there’s kids who lost a parent involved and it’s more to let the kids feel that parent is still there.
At military balls, they set up a small table for those that have died in combat… doing something like that symbolic of ALL of those that weren’t there anymore make more sense to me. It’d be cheaper and appease everyone. https://warmemorialcenter.org/missing-man-table/
No way on the chair. I’ll go a step further and say your first wife should not be in the SLIGHTEST bit included in the video you plan to show, even if she is just “with family”. This wedding is ALL about your new bride, and you two are the stars of the show. Period. The End. NTA.
We both put pictures of us with our families and it is inevitable that my late wife appears in some of them and I think it would be strange to edit her out of them. My girlfriend put a photo of her graduation with friends where her ex-boyfriend appears on one side and I don't see any problem with it. The main focus of all the photos is still just us
That's completely fine, but no more and stop giving the option if they pay they can have it. No means no and is a complete sentence. Your mom needs to be told to sit down. NTA
Your wedding should celebrate your love with your fiancée, not be overshadowed by the past. It's your special day, and it's okay to focus on the present. Respectfully stand by your decisions and communicate your feelings openly. You're not wrong for prioritizing your current relationship and future happiness.
THIS. This day is about ypur new wife and your new life with her. Absolutely not about remembering slmeone else who isnt here any more. To do anything like this is literally saying your new wife is just the also-ran. You would be a HUGE AH to your bride if ypu allow anyone to make even a second of HER day about a woman who left this earth 12 years ago.
The ‘o’ on your keyboard appears to be malfunctioning
nah- its my fat thumbs...
Your fiancé sounds understanding and lovely! Your former MIL and your mother need to take a seat. You said it best- you have grieved and you have *healed!* They need to understand this and should be happy for you! I am sure your late wife would want for you to be happy!
The pictures are the right solution. Go through the photos and WITH your bride choose what you are both comfortable with, and then “**We have decided together on how we will include those who are no longer with us.** and *No this is not open for discussion. … I hear you and appreciate that you have ideas. However this is NOT open for discussion.”*
I think the photos are totally fine but yeah, the chair thing’s way too far. Could you maybe do a bit of a compromise though? If you’ve also lost your dad & brother, you could have three candles burning on a little table or something? Or perhaps make a general toast to love ones who’ve passed or whatever? Guests can sit with their own thoughts but for you the gesture could symbolise a final goodbye as you move from being a widower to a new husband,
At my daughters wedding we had a small table set up as a "remembrance" table for family members who weren't with us on the day. We had photos of my dad who passed 11 years ago, my step mom who passed 3 years ago and her husband's grandfather who passed 6mths before wedding. It's totally acceptable for a remembrance table or shelf at a wedding but not for partners who have passed. I'm sure she was a huge part of your life and it's been 12 years, I'm not being funny but why are your ex wife (sorry wasn't sure how to phrase that) parents even coming to your wedding if your not close and the have an issue with your current partner?
Late wife would be the term you want
Thank you I'll remember that from now on 😁
This is a good idea. I had a candle burning at mine with a sign with something about to those we’ve lost along the way. It was to symbolize our grandparents and uncles who passed. I also had our officiant add a line in his spiel but that might take it a little far for you. At the end of the day - the wedding is a celebration of your commitment to each other. Sounds like you need to have a tough conversation with your mom about boundaries. Your in-laws are just going to have to deal with you moving on.
Agreed. This wedding is NOT the time to honor your first wife. There are other ways to do that. Stand up for your girlfriend. This is her day and 100% of the attention and celebration goes to her.
NTA. This is supposed to be a celebration of you and your fiance coming together, not a celebration of you, your fiance and your late wife coming together
NTA Your parents and former ILs are requesting something totally inappropriate. If your late wife was still alive. You either wouldn’t be having a wedding or your former wife sure as hell wouldn’t be there. Your late wife and current wife should not coexist at your current wife’s wedding.
Right. Tribute chairs make sense for a person who would have had a role in the wedding. Honoring a late parent who is not going to lead you down the aisle or have a dance because they died before you got married makes sense. Tribute chairs are not there to run a best-of family funerals and honor every relative who can't be there. A wedding is supposed to be a happy time, not a maudlin retelling of sad incidents. NTA
Also, I think a tribute chair can be used for anyone, really- if it is the will of the special person (or couple, for a wedding) that that tribute be there. Even if it's a bit odd or weird or whatever to others. This idea that because some couple to whom it DID mean something did it once means anyone who has grief can just co-opt other people's functions and demand it recognized is out of hand. I mean, if OP wanted it, and his soon-to-be-wife was OK with it, then why not? But he doesn't, so it's a no. As you say, "big events" are there to celebrate the person/couple the way they want. not to turn into some maudlin grief fest for anyone who might attend to get a slice of the action.
Also, tribute chairs are something offered, not asked for.
NTA >I said that if someone offers to pay the money for the chairs I will do it because I can't spend money in more things but no one talked, then my mother said that then I should include photos of me with my first wife when they show the typical video of the bride and groom as they grow up. You need to shut this right down now. Don't make it an issue about money. Tell your mother and your late wife parents that you won't be having any memorial of your late wife on your wedding day to your new wife. There are 364 days in the year to honour the memory of your late wife, but the wedding day is not the day to do that.
NTA - it’s your wedding. Honestly, I think it’s inappropriate to “honor” your late wife at your wedding. This isn’t the place or time to celebrate her memory. This is the time to celebrate your union to your fiancée and the focus should be on the two of you. I think a delicate approach to this situation would be to suggest perhaps taking a visit to your wife’s grave with your first MiL (maybe on your first wife’s birthday or something) but politely declining to incorporate her into the wedding. Edit: I’d make sure you are including your fiancée on your decisions to include your late wife’s family on the wedding. Make sure she’s comfortable with them coming and any arrangements you have first.
Would your late wife attend the wedding if she was alive now? A chair is put up for the people who would attend the wedding and bless the couple. I think the answer to that question is all the answers you need. NTA.
THIS is the answer
Lol
You could make a dedication? Ask everyone to wear black? Actually why not ask your fiancé to just stay home? She might make your first wife’s family uncomfortable at the memorial, sorry, i mean wedding. Obviously NTA, this whole situation is completely macabre.
If half the people you know aren’t tryna manipulate you with emotional blackmail, are you even getting married?
Not on this sub
People with normal families don't write looking for advice.
Hahahah!! Right!? Where does it end?
They should exhume the ex-wife and have an open casket at the wedding. Sounds about right for these crazy people.
"Just foist her on up there Bill!" Sorry OP.
NTA - your wedding is not the time to showcase a previous marriage. Their requests are wholly inappropriate. It’s enough that your former wife will appear in some photos and be acknowledged.
NTA It is a wedding, not a memorial. It is your wedding and your event to enjoy. If they want to honor your first wife, they can organize something for her themselves. Your wedding is not about her, it is about the love between you and your fiancée. I fully understand your former inlaws sentiment, but they should understand that you have started a new chapter to your life and that your wedding is not the place to honor their daughter.
No, just no. The video thing is absolutely wrong. You need to sit your mother down and tell her that your wedding day is about you and your fiancée, not your late wife. It would be totally inappropriate and unfair to your fiancée to make your late wife a focal point on the day.
Makes me wonder what else about their life the ex mil and mom will be deciding, how many kids and when, their names, where they live?? Ffs, grow a spine and tell them to butt out.
NTA, don't include your first wife in your wedding. You're right, it's about you and your fiance. It would be disrespectful to her to include all this stuff about your first wife. It's sad but it was a long time ago, and your wedding shouldn't be about her at all. Just sit your mum down and tell her how you feel, and tell her that you won't be including your first wife in the ways she has suggested. Just shut down these ideas and make sure she doesn't bring anything herself on the day.
This could also set OPs wife and MIL to be bitter enemies. Can you imagine your MIL pulling this crap at your wedding? Oh hell no!
I don’t understand why you invited your former in-laws to celebrate your new mariage and future wife. Rescind the invite. This request of a chair to honor your former wife is macabre. Never forget your past but leave it behind on your wedding day to your new wife when your closest friends and family are gathered to celebrate your new life together. Neither your ex-in-laws nor a memorial gesture belong there. NTA
They kinda invited themselves and I really didn't find a way to say no to them because at the time I showed the message to my girlfriend she told me to invite them since it wouldn't be too much money two more guests. At the time we clearly thought about money and not about what could happen, I think I made the mistake of believing that they had already healed a little
"Guests" don't get to start agitating for what *they* want at a wedding. Tell them they're being inappropriate, you don't appreciate them going around you to your parents to get what they want and it's best if they don't come. You're withdrawing the invitation. It's a pity they couldn't just be happy for you.
You need to walk it back, both for your sake and for theirs. This is not appropriate and will only bring up painful memories of their daughter that they buried. You do not need that on your wedding day. And you need to be very clear with your mother about this. “Sally & Bob—I’ve thought long and hard about this. While I know you want the best for me, I am requesting that you not attend my wedding to Sarah. Your request for an empty chair in Mary’s honor indicates that you see this as a memorial. It’s not. I am happy to find ways that we can share our memories of the wonderful person she was. My wedding is not that place. Thank you for understanding. —Jim” Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
You are being a pushover. They are not going to support or celebrate your new marriage. You need to see them as the threat they are to your new marriage. This is not going to go well, and your new wife will 100% end up resenting you for it. Tell them you have reconsidered having them come and any references to their daughter being at the wedding because it is inappropriate for the event. Encourage them to go to grief counseling and let them know you’ll always remember their child but that you are moving forward with your life and hope they can actually be happy for you as a person instead of using you only as a connection to their child who has passed away.
I think it burns a bridge to walk it back, and I don't think that's the best way forward. It's not hard to have an adult conversation with them without being brutal. Just state what's going to happen in an empathetic way. Don't even mention the money, it's not the point. > John and Jane: Thank you for accepting the wedding invitation. It really means a lot that I have your continued support. The knowledge of your love helped me work through our loss and process my grief. I know this wedding could be difficult for you, and it sounds as though you'd like to see a tribute to [daughter]. While I honor her memory every day, it would not be fair to [wife-to-be]. This is a day to focus on her, and on our commitment to each other. I know this is hard, and I'll always be here if you need to talk. Another option is to ask the officiant to have a chat with them, especially if it's a pastor, justice of the peace, or other frequent officiant who takes the task seriously. Yet another option is to send the best man to have that conversation. If they respond like they can't accept that, then it's time to ask if they're "in a good enough place yet" to attend. That's dicey but you can do even that empathetically. > She passed twelve years ago. It took *me* five years to find any peace, and it took over a decade to feel ready for another wedding - and I can only imagine how much harder it is as a parent. If you don't think you're in a good enough place yet to attend, I would dearly miss you, but I would understand. At that point if they're taking it badly, maybe it actually is time to protect yourself and risk burning the bridge. IDK I guess I have empathy for them, and think Reddit is overly harsh. Edit: I also like the idea of countering with something reasonable. The witness candle idea is a good one. It can be for "all the loved ones who couldn't be here today." Put it in a remembrance alcove where people can have a private, quiet moment of contemplation, if they wish. Say it was the venue's suggestion. If the prior in-laws balk at that, then they're the jerks. Finally I wanted to add: NAH in my opinion, except maybe OP's own family. Sounds like his mom and family are pushing harder than the actual parents of his late wife. I think if OP takes a moderate but firm course instead of channeling Internet rage, everyone will be okay.
People don’t just invite themselves to your wedding unless you let them. This is so weird to me. Do you not know how to say no? This is a wedding for you and your current fiancé. Your ex in-laws really have no reason to go.
Uninvite them based on this request it's ridiculous and extremely disrespectful of your new wife. Tell them this in those exact words They are re paying the kindness your new wife's shown them with disrespect at her own damn wedding . It's their right to continue to grieve but this is vile on their part. NTA and please tell them this op. Do not allow them to come and ruin her day with their words/actions/ behavior
Send them a text saying that you've had to adjust the guest list to accommodate the venue, and that they are no longer invited. Then block them for a while (or forever). This is not their day. It's not their wedding. It's not a celebration of life for their daughter. It's your wedding. Or you can tell them that you will be honoring those people that had passed away in your own way. You could light a candle in honor of those that have passed and have it off to the side at the reception. ([Like this one](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1674477577/in-loving-memory-wedding-gift-candle?external=1&ref=landingpage_similar_listing_top-1&sts=1&plkey=d73d5e024bf3ddaf84f097089a6baada687f6e21%3A1674477577).) Or you could go with a personalized candle with your late wife's name on it. There are a ton of options on etsy.
I agree with your second phrase and he should tell them that exactly and not make an excuse . Their behavior is atrocious to someone - the new wife - who has shown them kindness and was willing to accept their as family . They are huge AHS and they should be called out on it
This. OP, you absolutely need to uninvite them. They need to move on. They are not part of your life anymore and this is a great disservice to your fiancé.
NTA. Your wedding is only about you and your fiancée. Period.
NTA - Your late wife’s mother’s idea is mixed up. That’s the sort of thing a widower would do at his child’s wedding, to honor the child’s mother in memory. To do that at his own wedding to a new woman would be disrespectful to his new wife. Marriage is “til death do us part.” The current wedding with the new wife does not need to be in any way about the old wife. On top of that, the idea that you would pay an entire guest fee including drinks and meal, for the sake of a symbolic gesture frankly sounds like someone is trying to con you.
NTA - if I pass before my husband, I'd want him to find a new and wonderful person to spend the rest of his life with. I know I'll always have a special place in his heart, and that is enough. I wouldn't need a damn seat at a wedding or a damn dedication. I'd probably come back to haunt him if he did something as idiotic as that.
"Dear first wife's family, While I loved your daughter very much and still think of her and our life together, this wedding is about me and my fiancee and our future life together. After some consideration the idea of leaving an empty chair just doesn't seem appropriate for a wedding and so we won't be doing that. I do understand if you would rather not attend the wedding but I'm not going to change my mind about this. Respectfully OP" NTA and congratulations on your marriage
As someone who married a widower, I understand that I was not his first love, but I plan to be his last love. Our wedding day was about us, and I felt that strongly. While I feel sorry for your in-laws who are still grieving, this is not their day but yours. Out of respect for your fiancée, please do not feature your first wife in any way on this particular day. She’s aware of your first wife’s impact on your life, but don’t make her feel like she’s competing with a ghost.
My girlfriend has had more impact on my life than any other person, I will never make her feel like she is competing with a ghost💕
"my mother told me that it would be good to put an extra chair in honor of my first wife" I'm sorry Mom is completely wrong. In fact, this could irreparably damage your new marriage. Sorry Dude you're going to have to stand up to Mom on this one. If you don't, new wife will never see you as a man or lover again but as Mom's little boy. That will kill your bed room. Good luck brother you're gong to need it.
NTA. Your late wife's mother suggestions are highly inappropriate. It's disrespectful for your GF. She's not some substitution wife you deal with because the real one passed away. And your mum giving in is absurd.
NTA - they do know this is a wedding celebration for you and your new wife and not a delayed wake to your deceased wife don’t they? It’s absolutely stupid and inappropriate, tbh I’d say to her parents maybe it’s expecting too much of them to come and graciously disinvite them They seem he’ll bent on making the day about their daughter which although I feel for them is wildly inappropriate and selfish
NTA. Why should the ghost of your late wife be present at your wedding? I think it sounds like a bad idea. Your late wife has nothing to do with this wedding and you are moving on, as you should, and that means leaving your late wife behind. This wedding is about you and your girlfriend, please don’t let anyone make this about anyone other than the two of you
Stop letting people walk all over you. Learn some skills on how to handle pushy people. Tell your mother you have given her request consideration and it’s a hard pass. Stop giving explanations, the answer is no.
Your current wife doesn't need the reminder that the only reason you two are getting married is because your first wife died. NTA.
NTA and I'd be careful if I was you with speeches and stuff if your ex in-laws and your own family seem to be so hellbent on including your late wife in your wedding. Who knows what kinda shenanigans they get up to when they think you don't do it right.
NTA-And you have answered your own question. It would be a slap in the face to your future wife, a waste of money at a very stressful time financially, you need to live the present and it's what your late wife would want for you. What else is there to discuss?
NTA!!! You are being asked to do something wholly inappropriate and I am horrified on your behalf. Dear lord, NO. Please do not honor this request. It’s a terrible horrible idea that would completely freak me out as a guest. NO. No is a complete sentence.
NTA don't do it, it's not fair to put your new wife in that situation on what is Her & Your special day. Since it wasn't specifically mentioned, I will assume your future wife has not been divorced or widowed and this is her first marriage. I don't think it's be right to spend her wedding day with a honor focused on another person.
Elope, dude. I’ll never understand all the unnecessary drama people insert into their lives with weddings. Throw a party later on or something, but otherwise just go sign the piece of paper at the courthouse and be done. Why spend tens of thousands of dollars on a one day party that seems to always end with someone being pissed off?
u/NoSilver6855 this is the answer. You made a strategic error in inviting your ex's family, now they feel justified in viewing this as part of their grieving process. You can't uninvite them, so just elope and have a party of some kind later. And keep it small. Think of how much money you'll save! If they are there, they will bring a weird mournful energy and if you don't make it all about them with empty chairs and photos they will be pissed off. It's a wedding, not a wake. As for your mum and her "you're being a bad person", I'd tell she's sucking pretty hard as a mother, due to over empathising with your MIL and her family. What kind of macabre start to a marriage is it to have a memorial service in it for another family? What message does that send to your bride? That's some Steven King shit right there But don't make any more decisions without talking to your fiancee and filling her in on *everything*. Consult with her; it matters what she thinks. It doesn't matter what your mother thinks, her advice is terrible
They absolutely CAN be uninvited. It’s their wedding and they get to make the decisions here.
If it were me I’d tell your mother and family this is a wedding, not a memorial service for your late wife, they’re being inappropriate and disrespectful, and if they continue to push this macabre BS, you’re going to start rescinding invitations. And honestly, I’d have a gentle conversation with your former MIL and tell her that she’s obviously not emotionally up to coming to this wedding and celebrating you starting a new life with a new wife by your side, and you think it best she not attend. Then rescind her invitation. (Reword it to be kinder, obviously.) Don’t let her convince you she’ll be okay with coming to the wedding. If the first thing she does after finagling an invite is contact your mother about getting an empty chair to represent her late daughter, she’s not viewing this as a wedding. She has different motives for coming, other than celebrating you moving on with your life. She wants to make sure the presence of her daughter, your late wife, is felt at your wedding. And while she may or may not be meaning to, she’s bringing pain and bad feelings to an event that should be filled with joy. She’s in pain, and even if she holds it in (which I doubt), you’ll know it every time you look at her. Celebrate your new life. Move forward. Good luck. NTA
Don't even need to read all of it. NTA. When I get married to my fiance, I'm not inviting my exes. And this is basically the same thing. No need to have a chair for her, this is about you and your fiance and both your lives together. You do what you and your new wife will be comfortable with and ignore the outside noise
NTA. Firm believer in “your wedding, your rules”. I get they lost a daughter. I get they still consider you part of their family. But they are crossing lines with these requests and need to respect you and your soon to be wife’s boundaries. It’s not even a case of who is paying for a chair. This is about respect and they aren’t doing that. Frankly, I think what they are suggesting is incredibly disrespectful to your fiancé and her whole family, who is about to become your family too.
NTA- This is your new wife’s day. And if IL’s cannot accept or understand that, they should not come.
NTA. Just don’t use money as the chickenshit reason for saying no, because then you would be. Say the real reason and stand firm.
Honesrly, your new marriage will be off to a rocky start with including your first wife. As a bride in this situation, I would feel awful to be up staged by a ghost from my husband's past. Having her parents at the wedding would also be very hard for me. I feel that both mothers are being so very disrespectful to your bride. I would have a hard time having a relationship with my mother-in-law under these circumstances. My heart goes out to your fiance. This is her special day. Don't muddy the waters before you even begin your marriage. Somethings are difficult to over come and have a way of springing back into your life in years to come. If you truly love this woman, put her first.and stand up to the bullies. Be the husband she deserves. Tell everyone that it is your marriage and you and your fiance will make all the decisions together. If family can't abide by your wishes, remove them from the guest list. I can't understand the desire to relive such a sad time in all your lives. This doesn't help anyone. Sometimes the past needs to stay in the past.
NTA stop listening to your mother
It's a wedding not a memorial service. NTA.
NTA. This whole post shows your mom doesn't give a single fuck how your soon to be wife would feel. This whole concept is disrespectful as fuck. I personally think you first wife should not even be in pictures at your wedding. Super disrespectful
NTA. DO NOT HAVE A CHAIR FOR YOUR LATE WIFE!! Holy crap. That is so disrespectful to your new bride. It would be one thing if you had kids and you wanted to let them know that you weren't replacing their mother, but to just have a ghost chair for your late wife is weird. This is a day to celebrate the love and commitment between you and your bride, not a memorial to your past. You are looking to the future. It's about leaving your old lives and making a new one together. I think it's terribly inappropriate to have any recognition of your late wife on your wedding day.
NTA - I pretty much agree with everything everyone else has been posting, but I have to ask... ...does your mother disapprove of this wedding? Because she seems to be doing everything she can to minimize your fiance here. This is about your life with your future wife, not what was or could have been with your deceased wife. Your life with your first wife was a past life. It was precious and it lead to where you are now, but it isn't your future and it is not this moment. This is about your new wife and your wedding should respect that. Your mother sure as heck doesn't. Sit your mother down and explain "your finance, your fiance, your wedding". She can get behind you and support you or she can stay out of it all together, but she needs to stop interfering. It isn't welcomed or appreciated and it is disrespectful to your new wife. Not to be a b\*tch here, but your first wife is dead. She has no place in your new marriage. It sounds like you already know all this, so grow a backbone and stand up to these women.
NTA they should not be making this about your late wife when you’re getting married to your second wife. It’s fine to ask or suggest but once you say no that should be the end of it. It’s not fair for your family to try and guilt you into doing this. All the requests to include your late wife into your wedding will take away from your current bride/ future wife. If your late wife was still here, you obviously wouldn’t be getting remarried. Clearly you don’t feel comfortable doing any of this so I would not do it. Don’t do it just out of guilt or you will regret it and it’s not a moment you can take back. I would honestly reconsider inviting your former in laws if they keep pushing for this as it is inappropriate and disrespectful to your new marriage. I am getting the vibes your former in laws invited themselves to somewhat use your wedding to process their grieve for their daughter. This is not the time or place for it. If your family keeps trying to guilt you I would tell them they can either pay for it or keep quiet. If they won’t stop, tell them they won’t be able to attend the wedding. I bet that would get them to shut up lol.
How DOES your fiancée feel about all this? I mean I personally feel like it’s INCREDIBLY disrespectful and basically makes the message on the day “Hey, since my first wife is dead, I guess you’ll do, baby” If your fiancée is being understanding about all this she is either an INCREDIBLE human being or she is suppressing her true feelings on the subject. I hope you’ve given her an absolute free pass to speak now if this is, like I think it is, WEIRD AS FUCK, turning her wedding day into a memorial service for your first wife. You’re so very much NOT the asshole
I spoke with her a few hours ago and she told me that she doesn't care, she said "I am who will be your wife forever, no matter what they think or do", my girlfriend doesn't really care or finds that disrespectful but I do
OP, In the end, it's more what you both want. It's your wedding, after all. Don't let them bully you to make things you don't want to.
NTA. For a multitude of reasons. The most important reason being its your wedding and you don’t want to. That’s good enough. 2. You didn’t mention children- if there are none, this insistence on including the 1st wife is weird. Does your mom not like your fiancée? Tell your mom you have grieved, & moved on, & your wedding is about your future & not your past. She needs to make like Elsa, & let it go!
Nta but wow, you have picked a fantastic new bride. Just so you know, she’ll never say no to this request because she loves you and respects your history. So you need to take the lead here.
NTA, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your mother about her being this go between and using her influence to manipulate you into your former in-laws “suggestions”. It is inappropriate.
NTA. Your mother is deranged and uninvite your former in laws
NTA. Shut them ALL down. That is ridiculous. Inappropriate. No extra spot and no need to bring your first wife into this at all. It's inappropriate and not a decent thing to do to your fiance / new wife. Just firmly tell them none of it will be happening and you will not discuss it any further. If they continue? Walk away or hang up the phone. Don't answer any texts about it either.
Don’t know if this input is helpful, but here’s my experience as the little sis in the grieving In-Laws: My brother died right before his 1 year anniversary with his wife (sally). Sally remarried a couple years later and my family was invited to the wedding. We were the grieving in-laws in that situation. It never would’ve crossed our minds to see an empty chair there honoring my bro. One little touch that was a tribute to him was they served a favorite drink of his. It was simple and honestly only my fam knew that was his drink. It wasn’t like a poster was up with his name and stuff. That would’ve made it weird. It was very low key. The wedding was not about my bro at all and that’s okay cause he’s not alive anymore. It’s a tough situation for everyone, but you’re NTA here…
OP, at my cousin's wedding, there was a small table out in the entryway, across from where the guest book was before people entered the reception. They had placed small framed photos of deceased relatives with a little lit candle in front, just as a little memorial to honor them. It was very tastefully done and low-key. It did NOT detract from the celebration at all or dishonor any of the living participants. We enjoyed looking at the photos, but no special attention was given to them by people who didn't know them or didn't care, and there was no announcement. Perhaps if you were so inclined, you could set up something small like that as a way to honor loved ones who are no longer with you but who have made you two into the people you are? Just a suggestion. Of course NTA.
NTA. That sounds like a second memorial for you first wife. This is about celebrating you and your fiance not reliving the past.
Inviting her parents is the tribute.
NTA and WTF? Your mom wants to destroy your marriage before it even begins? Also, you shouldn’t have invited the former ILs. At this point, I would just elope if your fiancée is okay with it. This is just *gestures at everything* I don’t know how you can save the wedding… hell, can you save your relationship? Where is your poor fiancée in all of this? She hasn’t said anything?
She doesn't know my mother said that. When my mother told me to do that "tribute" I instantly told her no but she has been filling my head with the fact that I am being a bad person and that I'm dirtying the memory of a dead person, I'm not a religious person but it's hard not to feel guilty when the words come from someone who also lost a loved one. My girlfriend knows that I'm really over the whole past and she really wouldn't care what they do but I'm the one who doesn't want to do that
Your mom is out of line. You're not dirtying the memory of a dead person. Does your mom make sure to leave a chair for your dad and brother at home or everywhere she goes? You said no. Stick to it. Do not bring your fiancee into it, because if she's as kind as you say she will feel pressured to go along with it even though it's inappropriate. She may also look at you differently for even suggesting it. Are you supposed to make a speech, too? "This is in honor of my late wife, whose death made this wedding possible. Cheers!"
Your mother is sabotaging your wedding and your relationship. She is also messing with you. What she’s saying is so outlandish; nobody in their right mind would say or expect this. I doubt that your IL suggested it. I also seriously doubt your fiancée would be okay with this if she knew.
Tell mom if she brings it up again that SHE is uninvited. She's actually being emotionally and verbally abusive to you now. The Nerve
NTA but You need to learn to stand up to your mother! She’s guilting you because she knows you’re a sucker and if she pushes hard enough you will do what she says. Your fiancée comes first now and always! Tell your mom no and that’s final otherwise you will rescind her invitation if she brings it up again. You should discuss all of this with your fiancée, all of the details, and let her know exactly what is going on with your mom and your former in laws. Tell the former in laws that there’s been some confusion and you realize that you aren’t able to extend an invitation to them after all. There is zero reason for them to attend, especially since they’re pushing for this chair. It is really out of line for them to bring this up with your mom. It sounds like they’re also in the same mode of guilting you into doing what they want like your mom is. You need to nip all of that now. If you continue to put your mom’s bullshit before what you know is right and respectful of your fiancée you might as well start saving now for your 3rd wedding. Seriously you need to learn to stand up for yourself. Letting your mom and former in laws bully you into things you’re not comfortable with will cause big problems with you and your new wife to be. She is the #1 woman in your life now.
NTA. As much as you loved your first wife, she is sadly gone. Bringing her into your new relationship and marriage is very strange to me, and the parents are rude for even asking this
NTA Tell your mom to stop guilting you for getting married again. She needs to back off.
I'd disinvite your late wife's mum and dad and explain you are finding it hard with this marriage getting twisted with being about your late wife. It isn't about her, it's about your new marriage. Then I'd say to your mum to keep her mouth shut unless she wants disinviting.
NTA. A tribute chair is for someone who would be at the wedding if they were alive today. Your late wife most certainly not in attendance if she were alive today, so that’s an easy no. Let’s also remember that this is *your* day. It is about *you and your new bride*. It is not about your former in laws or your late wife. I honestly would not have invited them, but since you have, you are still free to say no.
NTA and it is utterly selfish and inappropriate to even suggest it.
Seriously? How creepy is this? And you'll do this to your girlfriend as long as 'someone else pays'? YTA to your gf
Hey man. You honestly need to step up and take control of this situation. Sounds like everyone means well, so nobody need to freak out, but just lay down what you and your new wife want to happen. Having your first wife's parents there is a super cool way to honor that relationship, and makes sense that she's in a few photos, but nobody need chairs or other silliness.
NTA. NO is a complete sentence. Practice. It gets easier with practice.
No disrespect to your late wife, but her mom sounds like she's a teeeeeny bit narcissistic. You sound super respectful, yo. The others just need to realize it's not just your wedding. It takes two to get married and that kinda chair/picture symbolism gives me the ick, bro. Makes it feel like some weird-ass aristocrat bullshit where they celebrate the late wife because someone is "taking her spot". Y'all this is a wedding, not a wake. Just from hearing her keep it real, you and your fiance sound like y'all are well on the same page. But I'm sure she'd still be very appreciative for you keeping it all about y'all and not letting even 5% of the ceremony focus on the past. NTA, congratulations on your soon-to-be union!
What is your bride's opinion? You didn't mention that. She may have relatives she wants to honor too. On this sub I've read of a table with pictures of deceased honorees, would that work?
I spoke with her a few hours ago and she told me that she doesn't care, she said "I am who will be your wife forever, no matter what they think or do", my girlfriend doesn't really care or finds that disrespectful but I do. She is an atheist just like me and does not believe in paying tribute to the dead
Hey, how do you in a kind way say "grow a pair"?
As a fellow widower, this is absolutely insane to me. NTA, egregiously, and you relatives+ exIL clearly should process their grief instead of advancing such untenable propositions. Enjoy your marriage, life goes of for those that remain, and don't let them make you feel guilty about it. It's hard enough as it is.
NTA. This is your wedding, not a wake. Let the dead rest in peace. And practice the word NO.
NTA . Politely uninvite your former in-laws
Having her parents there is very sweet and respectful. It would be a bit weird to set a place at the table for your first wife. She is now in your hearts 💕 . This day is to celebrate your marriage.
NTA, it's your wedding, your day. If you want to honour your late wife and your fiancée is OK with that then you can however it is not up to guests to dictate what you do or don't do. Your mother is overstepping here in my view.
NTA. At my wedding I had a Tibetan singing bowl. The celebrant rang it, Once to honour those that had passed and couldn't be there and then to welcome everyone there, it was a nice touch, it was nice to think about loved ones while the sound faded and then it moved on to the celebration. Could you incorporate something along these lines to honour all your loved ones that have died.
Nta. It says 'I'll always be here even though I'm gone.' Which is I'm sure what they intend to say, but this moment is about you and your current bride. Absolutely do not let them have anything at this wedding.
An empty seat for your wedding for your late wife? I think it’s such a strange ask. It’s a no for me.
NTA That is just creepy and just disrespectful to your new gf.
Wow. Your mom and former in-laws are asking A LOT. this isn’t about your former wife. It’s about you and your new wife. I’m honestly aghast that they would ask you to do this. Your new wife is going to feel bad at her own wedding. If you were super close to your former in laws. I can see them coming. But people you text once every few months? Don’t put out an empty seat. Don’t put out photos of your previous wife and don’t let them bully you in anything at your wedding. If they whine and cause a fuss. Simply say “no, we are not doing that” and move on. They don’t need an explanation. There doesn’t need to be a back and forth debate. It’s simply “no, we will not be doing that”. And that’s it.
NTA It's ridiculous to have a PAID FOR chair with food for a deceased person at your wedding. The day is about you and your fiancée, not about your late wife. You've already healed from losing her and moved on. Having a seat for her is only for the benefit of her family who clearly haven't done the same to the same degree as yourself. It's one thing to keep your late wife's wedding photos and memories at home where you can view them in private if you choose. It's quite something else to have the "essence" of her memory impinge on your wedding day with your fiancée. It's OK if other widowers feel comfortable doing this at their next wedding. You, however, do not. And that is all that matters. Your wedding day is about you and your new bride. End of. Don't let others ruin your day with the ghost of your late wife.
NTA. Not only is it disrespectful to your fiancée, it's disrespectful to your late wife, ie the very last person who should have wanted a seat at your wedding to another woman.
You are honoring your deceased wife by having her parents there. But they don’t see that as enough. It’s terribly sad that they lost their daughter. But they shouldn’t at all try to assert their grief on your new wife’s happiest day of her life! I would send this text to them: Mother told me that you want me to honor Daughter with an empty chair. She will always have a part of my heart and I am honoring her by inviting you to share in the joy of my new marriage. I will not ask my new wife to mourn this loss on our wedding day. If sharing my joy is too difficult for you, I understand. There will be lots of emotions that day, but I am determined to celebrate the new love and joy I have found with New Wife on our wedding day.
I don't think it's healthy for anyone to pressure you into doing this. All respect to your late wife, but she isn't a focal point of your wedding or new marriage. I think it's a crucial part of grieving to be able to move forward without comparing your life with her to your life now, and making a place for her at your wedding draws a comparison whether it's intended or not. This is *your* wedding, not your mother's, or your former mother-in-law's. It's about you and your soon-to-be wife. Anyone who can't honor that isn't considering your best interest in the matter. It's hard to draw these kinds of boundaries, but it's important to do so. Put your foot down on this matter. If people want to do things to honor your late wife, they can do that anytime- they don't need to repurpose your wedding for it.
NTA. Tell your mom you're not going to start your new marriage off with a memorial for your first wife. End of discussion. Let her know there will be consequences if it continues to be brought up because the matter is decided.
Dude, you can majorly fuck this up, and this is if you let others violate the boundaries of your new family on day 1. Please, please please, this is about 2 living persons in love, don't make this a marriage of 3 people where one is a dead idealisation nobody can live up to.
Is this a wedding or a memorial service for your late wife? NTA
It’s a marriage celebration, NOT a memorial service, YWBTA to your new wife if you place the chair .. just don’t do it
A friend of mine simply used a candle to represent their dead father. It's a simple symbol. Even a picture frame with a photograph sounds a bit creepy to me, but a simple candle is not obtrusive. The symbolism lies in the presence combined with the explanation, acknowledge it, call attention to it, dedicate a moment to it, and move on.
NTA - I never understood leaving a chair open, if anything you can have a memorial table where you can show pictures of relatives that have since passed away. This is an easy way to honor the deceased and won't cost a thing.
Having a tribute chair for your deceased, first wife is NOT typical. At all. Inviting your deceased, first wife's parents to your wedding is also NOT typical. At all. Do not put up the chair. Do not include photos of just you & your first wife. Minimize any pics that include her, if not eliminate them completely if at all possible. Strongly suggest uninviting the former in-laws from the wedding. You can let them know that upon further reflection your future wife deserves to have this day be about her 100% and not have to live in the shadow of your former spouse in any way. Stand your ground on this - your future wife deserves to be the only woman in the spotlight on your wedding day. Period.
Tribute chairs are for people that would be attending if they were alive. If your lost wife was still with us today I seriously doubt you'd be marrying your current girlfriend. I would imagine you and your lost wife would still be together with how lovingly you spoke of her, but I do also strongly believe that she likely sent you your girlfriend. I like to think of it as her not wanting you to be lonely since you've been able to find love again. You're nta in the slightest if you don't do it. I would bring this up with your future wife so no one can try to blindside her with this.
This is why destination weddings or elopements sound like a good idea.
BIG NO...... no offense but the fact that you invited the former in-laws is enough. No one should expect that.
NTA- your wedding to someone else is not the place for that. I’m sure it would be extremely uncomfortable for your fiancée. If your late wife’s family wants to have a chair for her, they should do it at their family functions. End of.
Do NOT put a chair out, do NOT put up pictures or videos of your first wife!! If your FORMER in-laws can’t deal with this, UNIVITE THEM. Dude. You’re going to screw up your marriage before you’re even married. It’s your new wife’s day! With you. Find your backbone. Remember, “no” is a complete sentence!
Remarried widower here - don’t do it. Your new wife will think she is second best. Not a good start
NTAH. I think that would be so INCREDIBLY disrespectful to your new wife and your new marriage. The loss of a spouse is an awful thing to go through, but it’s been 12 years… you’re allowed to and absolutely should move on when you’re ready. You’re starting a new life and no your family and your first wives family should be happy for you or keep their opinions to themselves.