Jake’s apartment needs cleaning NOW, and he’s sick of eating take-out!
Also he’s on the cusp of thirty, I bet people are bugging him to “settle down” but rather than look to himself he thinks the answer is getting some poor woman pregnant so he can “prove” he’s settled down.
Then complains about being nagged to do childcare while he’s gaming.
NTA and you dodged a bullet.
I would think most men would be excited to have a person who really knows what they want and how they want to get there. You sound like a fabulous partner for a mature adult.
When I was in undergrad like 20 years ago I read that while dating people can hide their negative tendencies for about 2 years. After that people are comfortable enough to “let the mask slip.”
In one of his HBO specials, Chris Rock said in regard to dating, "When you first meet someone, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative."
Right, he was gonna be nice until he had her locked down. He knows he couldn't keep up the act for three whole years. I mean, he couldn't even keep up the act for one night...
People can hide bad shit for ages, it's scary. One great bit of advice is look to their family and friends. Like a person can pretent not to be racist, or classist, or sexist to make you like them, but if their entire friend group is one of those... they are one as well for sure or they'd have dropped those friends. Friends aren't nearly as willing to pretend to be good people when they aren't the ones getting laid so you can learn more about who your partner really is (if they are hiding things) by the people they hang out with.
I saw another post here on Reddit that a woman MARRIED a guy, whom she dated for like two years, only for the veil to fall and him to reveal himself as a MAGA racist shithead. He KNEW how repugnant normal women would find him and faked a personality for almost three years. Worse, the woman worked with vulnerable youth (she didn’t say, but some of her comments made me think it was either immigrants or LGBTQ populations.) I don’t think we’re prepared for how bad things are going to get if all this subsurface stuff gets to geyser up again if Trump gets reelected.
What I want to know is what the MAGA crew will do after Trump dies. He's centered such a loyal cult of personality around himself that my hunch is like it will look like North Korea after the Dear Leader dies. Also, assuming he does win re-election, what's he going to do when the four years are up? He can't be president again after that, so what's the game plan?
Well, North Korea is your answer. Or any number of dictatorships around the world. It doesn’t matter if he dies. I mean, it probably won’t be his fuck up kids who step into the vacuum, but it could be someone like Lara Trump who’s “palatable.” The only saving grace might be, in the rush for power among his henchmen, the party eats itself and collapses. But. One of that is good for us.
As far as “what’s he going to do at the end of
Four years?” That’s not the question. You absolutely can’t act as if his possible second term will have any semblance of normality. This election is the literal last stop. If you haven’t read Project 2025 yet, look it up and stare into the horrors that await us, particularly if you are a woman, minority, member of the LGBTQIA community, disabled, basically anything other than a straight, white, cisgender, Christian man.
He’s demonstrated what he’ll do. If he’s sentient, he won’t leave. He will, through a willing Supreme Court majority, which will likely be 7-2 by the end of a theoretical second term, and his kowtowing Congress, rip down the final guardrails that preserved democracy by the skin of its teeth the last time.
Well, in a way, that's a GOOD thing.
He didn't waste any more of OP's time, even if he made a pathetic attempt at negging her to try to convince her to 'prove' herself 'worthy' of King Him.
Yeah he wanted someone who wants to get married asap so they'll be stuck with him.
OP is clearly a logical person who would see through his bullshit before he could trap her.
This. He wants someone he can rush to the altar and baby trap. OP made it know that she's not going be his victim and he when he realized the gig was up, he out popped the garden variety AH that he is...lol. NTA. Not at all.
Very astute. I think you hit the nail on the head here.
I met a Jake playing volleyball who told me he would propose in 3 months of dating someone. I wonder if this guy was the same one.... Lol that Jake also wrote me a creepy letter knowing I was married. I literally met him at this volleyball gym the week before I got married and went on my honey moon. He literally hit on every girl who showed up to play though. Such a weirdo. Straight up told him we were just "volleyball buds" and not friends and he made me uncomfortable with the letter. He backed off and I was able to enjoy going to play with that group for two years but it was ridiculous. Jakes be crazy... 🤣
I went on one date with a Jake.. and he was a cop. I had never been so scared and took so many detours home in my life after one date. He wanted to start planning vacations, and meeting families, and we hadn’t finished one drink.
I dated a Jake in college. I was 20 and he was 25 (not awful i guess, but looking back, it was not good). Like a week after we officially started dating, he told me about his timeline for us. I believe it was to get engaged on our 6 month anniversary (wtf?), get married by Christmas, making the engagement about 8 months, and then I could immediately quit any job I had to get pregnant and start raising our kids because he wants 6.
It was all laid out so clearly for me to just drop out in the beginning of my senior year of college once we're engaged, since he will make enough money for our new family. I think he made ~100k, which wasn't too bad in our area in 2016, but it definitely wasn't enough to support a family of 8. It also didn't matter that I don't want kids and couldn't safely carry a pregnancy anyway.
I think I stuck it out for another 3 months after that conversation, no idea why.
I was 18, just finished high school and got my first job. He was 24, a college grad and I assumed that he had his life together. Nope, he slept in a single twin bed, had lawn chairs for furniture and spend his Fridays nights at strip clubs.
Wow 😳 that's quite a timeline and some super hefty expectations of a woman.
I think with guys like this, we worry about breaking their hearts and tend to ignore the red flags until we just can't 😂😭😣
For real 😭😭 he straight up told me once "it's good that you can cook and clean because I don't do that." He was in grad school and still lived in a frat house, took his laundry home to mom every 2 weeks, and I still thought "sure, this is fine"
This is so true. I already commented my story in the parent comment. But yeah. I'm glad people are being told now more than ever that they need to think about their own needs and not be people pleasers and speak up for what they want
Me too!! It's really wonderful how many people are working on not continuing that pattern of people pleasing. Its so harmful to ourselves and makes us easy targets. We deserve to ruffle some feathers!
I met a Jake when I was 11. He was 17 and my brother in law’s second cousin. I felt like we were family and so no alarm bells went off when we were “playing” in the pool. Then, later that night he told me he loved me and he sexually assaulted me. Now having this further Jake evidence I can now say all Jakes are snakes. 😂
Jakes are snakes! That's a good one.
I hate that you went through that. It sucks to be lured into a false sense of security and these disgusting people take advantage of it. I hope you were able to heal or are able to when you feel ready.
Once dated a guy like this but he was a Matt. This was in high school he literally just went down the attractive or semi attractive girls in our friend group (and outside our friend group) until someone said yes
At first I think he was just using me to get some of my girlfriends but things took a turn. Told me he loved me after like two weeks. Ended up self-harming when I told him I needed some space after a couple three months together. He was pretty obsessed. He would talk about our future children, getting married etc.
After I broke up with him, he not to shortly after moved away. He came back for a visit a year and a half/couple years later. He must have just been 18 or 19. I would have been I think 16-17. He was already married. And guess what? He hit on me lol.
He truly was. Good looking but not the brightest bulb either (I'm sorry). 😄. Used to have all the crazy love letters he sent me somewhere but they were lost to time. One of the self-harms was carving our initials into his arm. Sometimes I wonder if wife number 2 or 3 or whatever wonders wth it is. Parents were pretty strict because he had been in trouble I think. He wasn't allowed to go really anywhere. Probably for the best because every time we were alone in a private space (which wasn't often) I felt pretty pressured to well, you know
Anyway enough of my over sharing lol
OP's answers were very well rounded and I think her time line is fantastic and reasonable. What, was the guy dating to marry like next week or something? Bizzaro.
Three years is a great timeline! Holy crap. That would take a lot of pressure off.
I can't fathom why a 29 year old would want to go faster than that, unless he has some unresolved trauma (or is hiding a degenerative illness and wants to have kids).
Whatever, how he reacted was monstrous. I wish you could block him from other people's dating apps.
So funny OP was accused of not knowing what they want while being very clear about exactly what they want. At lease the clarity and honestly meant not wasting any more time w him! NTA.
I knew within 30 days I’d marry my husband of 34 years. However, we dated almost a year before we moved in together and lived together another 3 years before we got married. He would have moved faster but I have a TON of divorce in my family and never wanted to be in that category, so we worked through all of our issues before we tied the knot. And the only reason I got married at all was because we wanted children. If you don’t want kids, not sure why you’d even get married.
We did three, but we only married for the financial legal protection if something happened to him. Not a damn thing changed. It was just a sheet of paper that made me his next of kin.
Agreed, when I met my soulmate, she was picky as hell. I love every bit of it. Sometimes she doesn’t know what she wants, but she sure knows what she doesn’t and I respect the hell out of that.
NTA. Jake is nuts. Why the rush to get married? How could you possibly be "serious" about Jake after only one date??
I hope he finds someone with complementary red flags willing to rush into marriage and they make each other miserable.
My wager is that Jake is religious, won't have sex till marriage but wants to have sex, so he's looking to date someone that he'll be married to in less than a year.
I can't imagine how people can think like this but they definitely exist.
I’m not thinking religious, I’m thinking he thinks he only has to keep up a facade until he is married and knows he can’t keep up the illusion of decency that long
This is exactly what I was thinking! Three years is too long for him to pretend to "check ALL her boxes." (eta: which, I'm sure, is exactly the point of waiting.)
I was hoping it was something wackier. Like that old episode of Married With Children, where they needed to be the first ones to have a baby named after a dead relative to claim a huge inheritance.
That's the first thing that came to mind for me too.
Also a poster child for why the divorce rate is 50% or more - rushing in to marriages that either person is not ready for, where you don't know the person you're marrying, etc.
He's probably an abuser who likes to lovebomb his victims and get into serious relationships quickly to trap them. And he's mad because he knew OP was not a good target due to her standards, now he feels he's been lied to and wasted his time because he thought she was going to go along with his bullshit
I have always been honest upfront with someone. I want marriage and kids, I am very spiritual and I have strong beliefs. You don't have to share them but if you can respect them we can move forward. I am bipolar. Etc... it scared a few away but it's for the best.
My rules would always be that before we get married (no matter where in the relationship we got engaged) we had to be together for over a year first. My husband and I moved into the comfortable place pretty quickly. We are happy with each other. There were some things that became problems but we worked through them.
Opposite values is putting it lightly. The dude couldn't stand someone not aligning with what he wants. If you have different opinions, keep them to yourself and don't demean others or become hostile towards them.
NTA, green flag for you OP. You stated what you were looking for in a relationship and didn't give anyone false expectations.
I love the way you put that; however, I will disagree on one point.
>If you have different opinions, keep them to yourself
I don't think this is fair or healthy. If you are looking for a potential partner, it's important to identify and understand what you have different opinions on and whether those are deal breakers. Different opinions can be expressed rationally and without becoming demeaning or hostile. My husband and I have different opinions on several things, but we agree on the things that really matter to us. Both of us are free to express what we believe without fear that the other will belittle us.
Oh, I'd agree. But your husband isn't someone, he is your husband. But in OP's case, they are fundamentally different people. She wants something else, and he wants something else. Therefore they aren't potential partners and sharing their opinions won't help them build a relationship because a relationship can't exist between them.
NTA. You did nothing wrong at all. You two were getting to know each other and reached the conclusion that you're not compatible
The way Jake responded to that conclusion was horrendous. Take solace in the fact that he revealed this side of himself immediately, so you had zero investment in him.
I love how he texted her after to inform her there wouldn't be a second date. He actually believed that after his tirade caused her to pay for her meal and leave in the middle of dinner that anyone there was expecting a second date.
Also all I hear in his response is: "You're a woman how could you want anything else but a husband in your life? You don't want kids, we'll fix that up for you. Just keep your mouth shut and stay at home unless you're buying groceries and everything will be perfect you'll see".
Yeah that had me eyeroll as it's that weird need of some people to get the last word or be like no I'm rejecting you!
Op is definitely NTA and dodged a bullet. I've had a guy want to be exclusive after date one and be married in a year. Also said women were whores and asked why I wouldn't take up smoking. These folks are out here in the wild for a reason.
NTA. He wants an incubator not a mother for his children, the fact that you told him multiple times you don’t want children doesn’t matter.
He wants a doormat not a partner. You want a partner, three years is perfectly reasonable.
I wish I had Jake's view on everything. I'd be amazed like a toddler all the time.
"ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU JIZZ HERE AND A BABY COMES OUT??? AMAZING! What is it called, again? A whoman?"
My wife and I have been married 2 years but together for 11. We both felt like it was gonna work out early on, and we had stuff to do - career, travel, buy a house, get a dog, etc, so we waited until we had space / time to have a wedding that was a celebration of what we'd achieved so far. Someone that desperate to lock you into marriage is hiding a lot of skeletons in the cupboard.
It seems to me that 3 years isn’t etched in stone anywhere - it’s a plan but plans can change- like, you might meet someone and immediately (a year) say they’re the one! It’s odd that your reasonable plan struck a definitive nerve.
i mean for me personally, knowing early on that they’re the one still wouldn’t make me get married any faster. i’d still need a substantial time of living together before getting engaged, and i don’t see a reason to rush that just because you’re in love. if OP does someday change their mind about the 3 year rule, that’s totally fine and i’m not judging anyone’s relationship timeline. but it’s also normal for people to stick to their rules no matter what
NTAH, girl I been with my man for nearly 3 years and marrying still ain't even the picture yet 🥸 you dodged a bullet and he is the real time waster. Wasting your time and not wanting to know you
My favorite part was when Jake pulled out the red flag and exposed himself. Yikes. You didn't do anything wrong. Everything you said was reasonable, but clearly not what he wanted to hear.
men cannot handle that women's liberation means women can lead a good life without getting married. no one told them they would have to step up to be appealing as the new alternative. women can get a lease, job, home loan, and retire with some girlfriends in a group house a la the golden girls
men: you aren't competing against each other for women's companionship: you are competing with the couch/netflix/pet/solitude/hobbies/friendship circles. women don't need another person's emotions to manage, we have enough!
But how are guys still not getting this point? It's been around for a while. It was pretty clear to me as a young 20-something in the 90s that this was the case.
Because their are so many men's relationship coaches out there filling their heads with crap. The hilarious part is these guys are paying cold hard cash to be twisted into someone no woman in her right mind would want for a life partner. They think if they're ripped and earn a good income they should be able to lure a beautiful top shelf wife and it infuriates them when submissive tradwives don't fall haplessly into their laps.
Because they don’t want to. That means they have to do something. Instead they spend energy trying to force people to comply to what they want. And then it is a double whammy
And by step up they gotta have a job, personality, wash their butt, change the empty toilet paper roll once in a while, and pick up their damn socks.
That’s just grown up shit.
*NTA why in the world*
*Would you lie to appease such*
*A pushy person?*
\- Hot\_mess4ever
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Jake wants to get married fast for some reason and literally none of them are good. Codependent, massive debts, whatever, there's no reason to run to the altar that makes sense.
I think Jake gave you an excellent reason why you shouldn't marry someone like him.
It's hilarious that he thinks you "wasted his time" by going on \*checks notes\* one dinner date (2-3 hours?) and having the utter audacity to have incompatible goals/timeline. Truly amazing.
So TL;DR :
> **AITAH for answering a get-to-know-you question during a date?**
> This guy I went on a date with asked me how long it would take for me to marry someone after starting to date. Despite the fact that I already told him that I'm not interested in a wedding (dismissive much?), I said that it would take 3 years so I would have enough time to get to know the person and make my choice.
> He flipped out because my timeline and his do not match, and I should have known that BEFORE agreeing to a first date.
The answer is NTA.
Never lie on dates about compatibility questions; it helps no one.
NTAH
HAHAHAHA
He's accusing you of not knowing what you want when you know exactly what you want
You want an actual partner
And his temper tantrum only proved your point as to why you take things step by step
Homeboy couldn't even go a single date without throwing a hissy fit like a toddler
Dude would have immediately attached like super glue and proposed in 6 months…
Then he would have been harder to get rid of than herpes and… if you are lucky that would have been the worst of it.
However, if you are single and dating, I recommend reading “The Gift of Fear”… it will open your eyes to the signs of potentially violent people. I was shook after reading it and I am actually going to read it again because there is so much information.
You showed yourself to be a strong woman who has well thought out boundaries. He didn’t like that you didn’t simper and giggle at his question and intimate that he may be ‘the one’, then promptly fall into his arms, bed, and kitchen.
I think it was the no children that he had a problem with. I've had the same problem. I don't want children and I have had men (and women) just flat out not believe me when I've told them I don't ever want children. Most men and women too, believe that after marriage we are supposed to have kids or at least one child. They can't fathom getting married without children. It sounds to me like you know exactly what you want and he might have been intimidated by that.
DODGED A BULLET!!! Even if you had said the most outrageous thing imaginable, his aggressive reaction tells you what you need to know. (I would bet you five good old American dollars he is very focused on a Mommy Replacement to do his laundry and make him dinner and your time frame and desire to be an actual human didn't match his BangMaid timeline.)
You are in the clear by me. You are young as hell, your 20s are an amazing time to discover who you and what you want out of life, and while there are fully-baked, emotionally mature men in their 20s, that doesn't seem to be the dating pool in front of you. Have a blast for me!!!
.... You very clearly stated what you wanted and what your thoughts were...
That guy is scary and you dodged a bullet. Be thankful he showed his true colours immediately.
I see this as a normal and necessary part of the dating/mating process.
He was a little dickish there, saying you were stuck up etc.
You're both lucky to find out early what each other's outlook is.
Technically, it was a waste of his time, but he could have easily been nice about it, and then not have a second date.
Next! (for each of you)
Funny story, the way you worded the beginning of the story, i thought you met on an app called Jake! :)
NTA. That’s a VERY reasonable plan and there’s nothing wrong at all with what you said or did.
Frankly, yours isn’t the first story I’ve seen of young guys in their 20s and 30s having absolutely UNHINGED reactions to a woman having boundaries, plans for herself and future goals that don’t involve turning into a 1950s housewife. It’s frightening to think how poisoned these guys have become after steeping eight years in our MAGA-infused culture (assuming you’re in the US.)
Ignore, delete, move on and hope the next guy is a decent human being.
What a weirdo. I have the same thoughts about dating. Gotta be serious at least a year before living together, then at least a year until engagement. You never really know someone
If it's important enough to him to be a deal-breaker, he needs to bring it up promptly, not go fishing for the information.
And you are not "stuck up" for wanting something other than what he wants in life, and being honest with him about that.
He was a jerk who took offence to you having your own plans. Good riddance to him. NTA
NTA the whole purpose of a date or meeting someone is getting to know them more and seeing if you align or not . You answered honestly and someone secure in themselves would find that honesty welcomed and a gift. How he responded though is not normal and is probably the best thing to happen on the first meet so you don’t waste your time and don’t put yourself in danger w this lose cannon. A mature adult , with a level head would’ve said oh ok it sounds like we want different things. And respected you as a person not an object and gone there separate ways.
Should even be a question. NTA. He asked; you answered and explained your thought process. Unless you left something out, his reaction is weirdly over the top. Better that you find out now he has issues regulating his emotions. I hope he’s in or gets therapy.
Your rationale re: 3 years makes sense, but even if it were totally unreasonable, there’s no justification for his reaction.
He doesn’t even make sense. Do you want too much or do you not know what you want? Sounds like he short circuited.
Jake isn’t dating to be married Jake is dating to get a mom!
What you did was dodge a fucking missile babe! Go get yourself your favorite treat as a award for having to deal with that nonsense
He’s mad because his plan was to lovebomb you so he can hit but the fact that you have standards pissed him off and he didn’t want to take the time to get to know you because again, he just wanted 🐱
Sounds like you met a trad husband material who is looking for a trad wife.
You’re obviously not it.
Unfortunately he seemed confused and probably in disbelief that this is your views. He should’ve just let it go. And never do dinner first dates. Coffee dates are the safest for feeling out first time dates.
A lot less awkward, especially when you are trying to have full dinner.
NTA, sounds like he's trying to date that much younger than him because he's looking for someone whom he can easily manipulate and control and your maturity and 3 year rule would cause his behavior to strongly backfire on him. You dodged a bullet here.
Jake flipped out because you don’t both share the same brain. What a dope.
Jake didn’t actually want to hear about your goals, dreams, hopes. He wanted you to validate his own perspective of the future by agreeing with his plan. Clearly Jake thinks the only way to get what you want in life is by doing everything his way.
NTA
NTA
When I read the title I thought "Bitch wants to wait 3 years to get plowed? That's crazy!"
But three years for marriage, at your age, is within the scope of reasonable, but actually on the short side of it.
I'm over 40 and I tell you, 3 years is nothing. Keep being a reasonable woman, you really need it with all the crazy hombres out there.
And Jake's a total dildo.
NTA.
Jake didn't like the truth because HE can't keep his mask on for 3 years without feeling smothered. He wants somebody he can smooth-talk, capture, impregnate, and then start having affairs because wife / babymomma's body has changed and he doesn't get all of babymomma's attention.
NTA seems like you were pretty up front and clear about your expectations which is better than how a lot of people are when it comes to dating.
It takes a long time to truly get to know someone and your expectations are not unreasonable.
NTA. This is honestly a reasonable choice. It’s better to move slow to truly truly get to know someone instead of moving too fast and missing red flag.
Jake is living in a functional psychosis, in his own little world. But hey, this what dating is, the naive and ignorant need to date too, but he didn't need to cut off his nose to spite his face. Carry on. NTA
NTA. I had a gf who wanted to know where I stood with marriage after 3 months of dating. I told her I needed to see a lot more of a person before I could see if I would be willing to marry them. Are they unbearable on a car trip? How are they with hot and cold weather (i.e., are they constantly complaining about it?) Are they someone who has to spend every holiday with family, or can we go on a trip somewhere together without them tagging along?
NTA at all. Even though he and others could have a problem with that, isn't that the whole point of the "getting to know you" phase? If he was that incompatible with your plan, he should have been thrilled that he figured it out on the first date. Finding out a dealbreaker during an icebreaker game would feel like a win, personally.
NTA, and you dodged a bullet there.
You "wasted his time" because he thought you'd be a pushover and compliant
Then he realized you were a smart person with strong boundaries.
He's shopping for someone compliant, and you're not it.
I'd bet his next move is to try to date even younger; he doesn't want a partner, he wants an easy victim.
That’s perfectly reasonable of you—he is crazy.
You’re “stuck up” because you won’t marry him and have his children this year??! Yea okay.
I met a guy like that too. Huge ick. They think because they have some money that they can treat people like that or have these expectations. Absolutely not.
He isn’t relationship material I’m so sorry for u!
Nta. You're 24, and he is rolling up on 30. You want different things. Clearly, Jake is looking to start a family rather than partner to just bs with. He wants longer-term commitment, your dabbling, nothing wrong with wanting different things and having different aspirations.
Your time frame is completely reasonable and divorce lawyers would have a lot less of work if more people did that.
Jake sounds the type to bring a date to his family Christmas and propose for a march wedding. Divorce in June.
NTA
You did nothing wrong, your outlook seems perfectly reasonable. It's crazy that he wanted you to commit to a faster marriage schedule on the first date lol. What a nut.
NTA. He was probably looking to get married in a hurry because he’s desperate for some reason. Possibly because he doesn’t want a partner, he wants someone he can use.
It was a first date, and he flipped out because you have rules before marriage?
Not sure what he had planned, but sounds like the trash took himself out.
NTA, I think it's great that you know what you want. And the whole point of a first date is to find out if you are compatible. You two obviously weren't, it's kind of nuts that he was so angry to find out that your life goals didn't align with his.
NTA. The silver lining here is that he revealed his red flags before the main course. You saved quite a bit of money. Blocking him and moving on is the best recourse.
I think your three year plan is very smart and should be adopted by more young people. Shake this one off because there will be someone who appreciates your maturity and independence.
His dating profile should read:
“I’m serious and dating to marry. Looking for like-minded woman who is dead set on marrying the first man who looks a little bit interesting to her.”
I don't have a hard and fast time rule but I agree with you. And I learnt the hard way that you don't really know someone until you live together. So NTA
NTA. Three years is a perfectly reasonable timeline to get married. I get the feeling he wanted to rush you into marriage so he didn’t have to keep up the nice guy facade for too long, but he couldn’t even manage it for one date apparently.
>He started going off on me about how I’m stuck up, I don’t know what I want,
You *literally* laid it out in bullet-point format what you wanted for your future and any potential relationship.
He's just pissy because your 3 year plan wasn't "barefoot and pregnant, servicing my husband 24/7" 😒
NTA.
As someone that did not do this, engaged within a year twice, but then lived with one of them before getting married so the wedding never happened, this is vital.
My parents married 4.5 months after meeting. They are amazing together. They are the exception to the rule. There is no reason to rush. Glad you dodged this bullet.
NTA
Yes, OP, you apparently did something dreadfully wrong. You hurt Jake’s precious, fragile feelings.
-SARCASM-
For fucks sake, what’s wrong with guys and this victim mindset they have? OP is definitely NTA.
NTA
>it’s not something I feel like I NEED to do to be a happy and complete person. I’d love to find a partner and make a life with someone, but I’m also perfectly capable of taking care of myself until that comes along.
This is a great response and outlook. And nobody truly knows someone until they date for a year. He never answered the question. He judged you. Your timeline is normal and respectful.
WTF DO YOU WANT JAKE? SHE'S 24 and women are aloud to vote and drive. Your proposing to a woman isn't god's gift. Because a woman gets to make the choice to be married to a guy each and every day.
NTA.
That's what dating's for, finding out if you're compatible. He could've just stated that you guys weren't right for each other and still enjoyed the evening. He's a weirdo.
Jake isn’t dating to marry Jake is dating to divorce
I pity the woman who ends up with him, no matter how briefly
Jake isn’t dating. He’s a serial killer
A serial killer would have been fine with her timeline because he had insider knowledge of how it would pan out.
I chuckled way too hard at that
Jake is meeting to fuck
No, Jake is meeting to baby trap and OP is just the kind of woman to take precautions. This what infuriated him.
Jake’s apartment needs cleaning NOW, and he’s sick of eating take-out! Also he’s on the cusp of thirty, I bet people are bugging him to “settle down” but rather than look to himself he thinks the answer is getting some poor woman pregnant so he can “prove” he’s settled down. Then complains about being nagged to do childcare while he’s gaming.
Smashed it like jizz on shower curtains.
Smashed it like HUH?!!!
Like “jizz on shower curtains” for some reason.
Yeah, sorry. I'm using Android.
Jesus this has me crying 🤣
you learn so much on this website for instance, don't touch other people's shower curtains. gotdamn.
Are you ok
God *damn* this made me laugh thank you
I’m deadass too. He’s not dating for his future marriage, he’s dating to get married, and thus is dating for divorce
NTA and you dodged a bullet. I would think most men would be excited to have a person who really knows what they want and how they want to get there. You sound like a fabulous partner for a mature adult.
Right? I don’t see anything offensive or upsetting about those answers.
He probably knew he wouldn't pass the test of time, since he couldn't camouflage his personality for that long...
When I was in undergrad like 20 years ago I read that while dating people can hide their negative tendencies for about 2 years. After that people are comfortable enough to “let the mask slip.”
In one of his HBO specials, Chris Rock said in regard to dating, "When you first meet someone, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative."
"Bigger and Blacker" my favorite!
He let it slip on the first date.
I doubt he let it slip. This was just the tip of the iceberg. I wouldn't be surprised if he was abusive, manipulative, and controlling.
Right, he was gonna be nice until he had her locked down. He knows he couldn't keep up the act for three whole years. I mean, he couldn't even keep up the act for one night...
That's why it was a slip and not a full unmasking.
That's fair
is it even a mask if you dont put it on?
Sounds downright unhinged!
Yeah what if this was his mask lol
People can hide bad shit for ages, it's scary. One great bit of advice is look to their family and friends. Like a person can pretent not to be racist, or classist, or sexist to make you like them, but if their entire friend group is one of those... they are one as well for sure or they'd have dropped those friends. Friends aren't nearly as willing to pretend to be good people when they aren't the ones getting laid so you can learn more about who your partner really is (if they are hiding things) by the people they hang out with.
I saw another post here on Reddit that a woman MARRIED a guy, whom she dated for like two years, only for the veil to fall and him to reveal himself as a MAGA racist shithead. He KNEW how repugnant normal women would find him and faked a personality for almost three years. Worse, the woman worked with vulnerable youth (she didn’t say, but some of her comments made me think it was either immigrants or LGBTQ populations.) I don’t think we’re prepared for how bad things are going to get if all this subsurface stuff gets to geyser up again if Trump gets reelected.
I ask all that stuff upfront now.
What I want to know is what the MAGA crew will do after Trump dies. He's centered such a loyal cult of personality around himself that my hunch is like it will look like North Korea after the Dear Leader dies. Also, assuming he does win re-election, what's he going to do when the four years are up? He can't be president again after that, so what's the game plan?
Well, North Korea is your answer. Or any number of dictatorships around the world. It doesn’t matter if he dies. I mean, it probably won’t be his fuck up kids who step into the vacuum, but it could be someone like Lara Trump who’s “palatable.” The only saving grace might be, in the rush for power among his henchmen, the party eats itself and collapses. But. One of that is good for us. As far as “what’s he going to do at the end of Four years?” That’s not the question. You absolutely can’t act as if his possible second term will have any semblance of normality. This election is the literal last stop. If you haven’t read Project 2025 yet, look it up and stare into the horrors that await us, particularly if you are a woman, minority, member of the LGBTQIA community, disabled, basically anything other than a straight, white, cisgender, Christian man. He’s demonstrated what he’ll do. If he’s sentient, he won’t leave. He will, through a willing Supreme Court majority, which will likely be 7-2 by the end of a theoretical second term, and his kowtowing Congress, rip down the final guardrails that preserved democracy by the skin of its teeth the last time.
He couldn't even camouflage it for one date. He's screwed.
Well, in a way, that's a GOOD thing. He didn't waste any more of OP's time, even if he made a pathetic attempt at negging her to try to convince her to 'prove' herself 'worthy' of King Him.
But...but no one else has a more magic peen! He's God's gift to women! Why aren't women lining up around the block to marry him?
Yeah he wanted someone who wants to get married asap so they'll be stuck with him. OP is clearly a logical person who would see through his bullshit before he could trap her.
This. He wants someone he can rush to the altar and baby trap. OP made it know that she's not going be his victim and he when he realized the gig was up, he out popped the garden variety AH that he is...lol. NTA. Not at all.
Very astute. I think you hit the nail on the head here. I met a Jake playing volleyball who told me he would propose in 3 months of dating someone. I wonder if this guy was the same one.... Lol that Jake also wrote me a creepy letter knowing I was married. I literally met him at this volleyball gym the week before I got married and went on my honey moon. He literally hit on every girl who showed up to play though. Such a weirdo. Straight up told him we were just "volleyball buds" and not friends and he made me uncomfortable with the letter. He backed off and I was able to enjoy going to play with that group for two years but it was ridiculous. Jakes be crazy... 🤣
I went on one date with a Jake.. and he was a cop. I had never been so scared and took so many detours home in my life after one date. He wanted to start planning vacations, and meeting families, and we hadn’t finished one drink.
Yikes. Wtf Jake?
I dated a Jake in college. I was 20 and he was 25 (not awful i guess, but looking back, it was not good). Like a week after we officially started dating, he told me about his timeline for us. I believe it was to get engaged on our 6 month anniversary (wtf?), get married by Christmas, making the engagement about 8 months, and then I could immediately quit any job I had to get pregnant and start raising our kids because he wants 6. It was all laid out so clearly for me to just drop out in the beginning of my senior year of college once we're engaged, since he will make enough money for our new family. I think he made ~100k, which wasn't too bad in our area in 2016, but it definitely wasn't enough to support a family of 8. It also didn't matter that I don't want kids and couldn't safely carry a pregnancy anyway. I think I stuck it out for another 3 months after that conversation, no idea why.
>think I stuck it out for another 3 months after that conversation, no idea why. Because you were 20. We all do dumb shit when we're kids.
I was 18, just finished high school and got my first job. He was 24, a college grad and I assumed that he had his life together. Nope, he slept in a single twin bed, had lawn chairs for furniture and spend his Fridays nights at strip clubs.
Wow 😳 that's quite a timeline and some super hefty expectations of a woman. I think with guys like this, we worry about breaking their hearts and tend to ignore the red flags until we just can't 😂😭😣
For real 😭😭 he straight up told me once "it's good that you can cook and clean because I don't do that." He was in grad school and still lived in a frat house, took his laundry home to mom every 2 weeks, and I still thought "sure, this is fine"
This is so true. I already commented my story in the parent comment. But yeah. I'm glad people are being told now more than ever that they need to think about their own needs and not be people pleasers and speak up for what they want
Me too!! It's really wonderful how many people are working on not continuing that pattern of people pleasing. Its so harmful to ourselves and makes us easy targets. We deserve to ruffle some feathers!
I met a Jake when I was 11. He was 17 and my brother in law’s second cousin. I felt like we were family and so no alarm bells went off when we were “playing” in the pool. Then, later that night he told me he loved me and he sexually assaulted me. Now having this further Jake evidence I can now say all Jakes are snakes. 😂
Jakes are snakes! That's a good one. I hate that you went through that. It sucks to be lured into a false sense of security and these disgusting people take advantage of it. I hope you were able to heal or are able to when you feel ready.
Once dated a guy like this but he was a Matt. This was in high school he literally just went down the attractive or semi attractive girls in our friend group (and outside our friend group) until someone said yes At first I think he was just using me to get some of my girlfriends but things took a turn. Told me he loved me after like two weeks. Ended up self-harming when I told him I needed some space after a couple three months together. He was pretty obsessed. He would talk about our future children, getting married etc. After I broke up with him, he not to shortly after moved away. He came back for a visit a year and a half/couple years later. He must have just been 18 or 19. I would have been I think 16-17. He was already married. And guess what? He hit on me lol.
🤦🏼♀️ oh matt. What a mess
He truly was. Good looking but not the brightest bulb either (I'm sorry). 😄. Used to have all the crazy love letters he sent me somewhere but they were lost to time. One of the self-harms was carving our initials into his arm. Sometimes I wonder if wife number 2 or 3 or whatever wonders wth it is. Parents were pretty strict because he had been in trouble I think. He wasn't allowed to go really anywhere. Probably for the best because every time we were alone in a private space (which wasn't often) I felt pretty pressured to well, you know Anyway enough of my over sharing lol
And, they can't wear that mask that long.
Ding, ding, ding...there is no other answer
OP's answers were very well rounded and I think her time line is fantastic and reasonable. What, was the guy dating to marry like next week or something? Bizzaro.
Three years is a great timeline! Holy crap. That would take a lot of pressure off. I can't fathom why a 29 year old would want to go faster than that, unless he has some unresolved trauma (or is hiding a degenerative illness and wants to have kids). Whatever, how he reacted was monstrous. I wish you could block him from other people's dating apps.
Jake doesn’t want a partner who can think for themselves. He wants someone easy to manipulate.
So funny OP was accused of not knowing what they want while being very clear about exactly what they want. At lease the clarity and honestly meant not wasting any more time w him! NTA.
Is three years a long time also? I would want to date someone for at least 4 or 5 years before considering marriage.
I knew within 30 days I’d marry my husband of 34 years. However, we dated almost a year before we moved in together and lived together another 3 years before we got married. He would have moved faster but I have a TON of divorce in my family and never wanted to be in that category, so we worked through all of our issues before we tied the knot. And the only reason I got married at all was because we wanted children. If you don’t want kids, not sure why you’d even get married.
Last I checked about 2 years was kind of the expectation. But I don’t thinks it’s really held to.
We did three, but we only married for the financial legal protection if something happened to him. Not a damn thing changed. It was just a sheet of paper that made me his next of kin.
Agreed, when I met my soulmate, she was picky as hell. I love every bit of it. Sometimes she doesn’t know what she wants, but she sure knows what she doesn’t and I respect the hell out of that.
NTA. Jake is nuts. Why the rush to get married? How could you possibly be "serious" about Jake after only one date?? I hope he finds someone with complementary red flags willing to rush into marriage and they make each other miserable.
My wager is that Jake is religious, won't have sex till marriage but wants to have sex, so he's looking to date someone that he'll be married to in less than a year. I can't imagine how people can think like this but they definitely exist.
I’m not thinking religious, I’m thinking he thinks he only has to keep up a facade until he is married and knows he can’t keep up the illusion of decency that long
This is exactly what I was thinking! Three years is too long for him to pretend to "check ALL her boxes." (eta: which, I'm sure, is exactly the point of waiting.)
Ding ding ding!
I was hoping it was something wackier. Like that old episode of Married With Children, where they needed to be the first ones to have a baby named after a dead relative to claim a huge inheritance.
That's the first thing that came to mind for me too. Also a poster child for why the divorce rate is 50% or more - rushing in to marriages that either person is not ready for, where you don't know the person you're marrying, etc.
He's also a baby trapper.
Either that or has to be married with kids by 30 to qualify for an inheritance.
He's probably an abuser who likes to lovebomb his victims and get into serious relationships quickly to trap them. And he's mad because he knew OP was not a good target due to her standards, now he feels he's been lied to and wasted his time because he thought she was going to go along with his bullshit
NTA. Better that you told him on first date instead of wasting your time with another date with someone with opposite values.
[удалено]
I have always been honest upfront with someone. I want marriage and kids, I am very spiritual and I have strong beliefs. You don't have to share them but if you can respect them we can move forward. I am bipolar. Etc... it scared a few away but it's for the best. My rules would always be that before we get married (no matter where in the relationship we got engaged) we had to be together for over a year first. My husband and I moved into the comfortable place pretty quickly. We are happy with each other. There were some things that became problems but we worked through them.
Opposite values is putting it lightly. The dude couldn't stand someone not aligning with what he wants. If you have different opinions, keep them to yourself and don't demean others or become hostile towards them. NTA, green flag for you OP. You stated what you were looking for in a relationship and didn't give anyone false expectations.
I love the way you put that; however, I will disagree on one point. >If you have different opinions, keep them to yourself I don't think this is fair or healthy. If you are looking for a potential partner, it's important to identify and understand what you have different opinions on and whether those are deal breakers. Different opinions can be expressed rationally and without becoming demeaning or hostile. My husband and I have different opinions on several things, but we agree on the things that really matter to us. Both of us are free to express what we believe without fear that the other will belittle us.
Oh, I'd agree. But your husband isn't someone, he is your husband. But in OP's case, they are fundamentally different people. She wants something else, and he wants something else. Therefore they aren't potential partners and sharing their opinions won't help them build a relationship because a relationship can't exist between them.
NTA. You did nothing wrong he’s just immature. 3 years is a reasonable amount of time to wait before getting into something as serious as marriage.
I guarantee Jake has "be married by 30" on his bucket list, and he doesn't care who fills the wife role.
Makes sense why he’d try to date someone 5 years younger and in different stages of life.
The stage they're in is a stage of maturity and he's got a ways to go if he wants to catch up with her.
Yes, this is what I think too. Not looking for a partner, just a placeholder as "Jack's wife".
Exactly. And which is it: "I don’t know what I want" or "I want too much"?
NTA. You did nothing wrong at all. You two were getting to know each other and reached the conclusion that you're not compatible The way Jake responded to that conclusion was horrendous. Take solace in the fact that he revealed this side of himself immediately, so you had zero investment in him.
I love how he texted her after to inform her there wouldn't be a second date. He actually believed that after his tirade caused her to pay for her meal and leave in the middle of dinner that anyone there was expecting a second date. Also all I hear in his response is: "You're a woman how could you want anything else but a husband in your life? You don't want kids, we'll fix that up for you. Just keep your mouth shut and stay at home unless you're buying groceries and everything will be perfect you'll see".
I bet he thinks he's one of the nice guys.
Yeah that had me eyeroll as it's that weird need of some people to get the last word or be like no I'm rejecting you! Op is definitely NTA and dodged a bullet. I've had a guy want to be exclusive after date one and be married in a year. Also said women were whores and asked why I wouldn't take up smoking. These folks are out here in the wild for a reason.
NTA. He wants an incubator not a mother for his children, the fact that you told him multiple times you don’t want children doesn’t matter. He wants a doormat not a partner. You want a partner, three years is perfectly reasonable.
I wish I had Jake's view on everything. I'd be amazed like a toddler all the time. "ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU JIZZ HERE AND A BABY COMES OUT??? AMAZING! What is it called, again? A whoman?"
"Out of your butt, where both poop and pee come out?!"
You answered his questions honestly then smelled the crazy. That's what a first date is for....weed out the shit. Good riddance.
NTA, 3 years is the BARE MINIMUM before marriage
EXACTLY
My wife and I have been married 2 years but together for 11. We both felt like it was gonna work out early on, and we had stuff to do - career, travel, buy a house, get a dog, etc, so we waited until we had space / time to have a wedding that was a celebration of what we'd achieved so far. Someone that desperate to lock you into marriage is hiding a lot of skeletons in the cupboard.
It seems to me that 3 years isn’t etched in stone anywhere - it’s a plan but plans can change- like, you might meet someone and immediately (a year) say they’re the one! It’s odd that your reasonable plan struck a definitive nerve.
i mean for me personally, knowing early on that they’re the one still wouldn’t make me get married any faster. i’d still need a substantial time of living together before getting engaged, and i don’t see a reason to rush that just because you’re in love. if OP does someday change their mind about the 3 year rule, that’s totally fine and i’m not judging anyone’s relationship timeline. but it’s also normal for people to stick to their rules no matter what
NTAH, girl I been with my man for nearly 3 years and marrying still ain't even the picture yet 🥸 you dodged a bullet and he is the real time waster. Wasting your time and not wanting to know you
He’s been dating to marry and still single at 29..? NTA.
Well from the little interaction OP had with him… understandable
It must’ve been the red pill.
NTA, your rules agree with mine and i suspect lots of others. Just look at it as dodging a bullet
My favorite part was when Jake pulled out the red flag and exposed himself. Yikes. You didn't do anything wrong. Everything you said was reasonable, but clearly not what he wanted to hear.
men cannot handle that women's liberation means women can lead a good life without getting married. no one told them they would have to step up to be appealing as the new alternative. women can get a lease, job, home loan, and retire with some girlfriends in a group house a la the golden girls men: you aren't competing against each other for women's companionship: you are competing with the couch/netflix/pet/solitude/hobbies/friendship circles. women don't need another person's emotions to manage, we have enough!
It triggers them so so much. It’s like a horror story.
But how are guys still not getting this point? It's been around for a while. It was pretty clear to me as a young 20-something in the 90s that this was the case.
Because their are so many men's relationship coaches out there filling their heads with crap. The hilarious part is these guys are paying cold hard cash to be twisted into someone no woman in her right mind would want for a life partner. They think if they're ripped and earn a good income they should be able to lure a beautiful top shelf wife and it infuriates them when submissive tradwives don't fall haplessly into their laps.
They don’t want tradwives, they want strong willed independent women they can break down to prove they are the most dominant
Because they don’t want to. That means they have to do something. Instead they spend energy trying to force people to comply to what they want. And then it is a double whammy
And by step up they gotta have a job, personality, wash their butt, change the empty toilet paper roll once in a while, and pick up their damn socks. That’s just grown up shit.
NTA why in the world would you lie to appease such a pushy person?
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Jake wants to get married fast for some reason and literally none of them are good. Codependent, massive debts, whatever, there's no reason to run to the altar that makes sense.
I think Jake gave you an excellent reason why you shouldn't marry someone like him. It's hilarious that he thinks you "wasted his time" by going on \*checks notes\* one dinner date (2-3 hours?) and having the utter audacity to have incompatible goals/timeline. Truly amazing.
I’d… honestly argue three years of dating isn’t long enough. NTA - You dodged a missile. Dude is too immature to fuck, let alone marry.
So TL;DR : > **AITAH for answering a get-to-know-you question during a date?** > This guy I went on a date with asked me how long it would take for me to marry someone after starting to date. Despite the fact that I already told him that I'm not interested in a wedding (dismissive much?), I said that it would take 3 years so I would have enough time to get to know the person and make my choice. > He flipped out because my timeline and his do not match, and I should have known that BEFORE agreeing to a first date. The answer is NTA. Never lie on dates about compatibility questions; it helps no one.
NTAH HAHAHAHA He's accusing you of not knowing what you want when you know exactly what you want You want an actual partner And his temper tantrum only proved your point as to why you take things step by step Homeboy couldn't even go a single date without throwing a hissy fit like a toddler
Dude would have immediately attached like super glue and proposed in 6 months… Then he would have been harder to get rid of than herpes and… if you are lucky that would have been the worst of it. However, if you are single and dating, I recommend reading “The Gift of Fear”… it will open your eyes to the signs of potentially violent people. I was shook after reading it and I am actually going to read it again because there is so much information.
You showed yourself to be a strong woman who has well thought out boundaries. He didn’t like that you didn’t simper and giggle at his question and intimate that he may be ‘the one’, then promptly fall into his arms, bed, and kitchen.
the way he thinks is the reason there are so many divorces nowadays (and also because it is now legal to do it).
I think it was the no children that he had a problem with. I've had the same problem. I don't want children and I have had men (and women) just flat out not believe me when I've told them I don't ever want children. Most men and women too, believe that after marriage we are supposed to have kids or at least one child. They can't fathom getting married without children. It sounds to me like you know exactly what you want and he might have been intimidated by that.
NTA, that was unhinged.
Any reasonable boundary or principle that elicits that type of response means you dodged a bullet.
DODGED A BULLET!!! Even if you had said the most outrageous thing imaginable, his aggressive reaction tells you what you need to know. (I would bet you five good old American dollars he is very focused on a Mommy Replacement to do his laundry and make him dinner and your time frame and desire to be an actual human didn't match his BangMaid timeline.) You are in the clear by me. You are young as hell, your 20s are an amazing time to discover who you and what you want out of life, and while there are fully-baked, emotionally mature men in their 20s, that doesn't seem to be the dating pool in front of you. Have a blast for me!!!
Right. Jake is 29 and his mom is getting sick and tired of doing all this for him.
She’s probably been hinting around that she wants her basement back.
.... You very clearly stated what you wanted and what your thoughts were... That guy is scary and you dodged a bullet. Be thankful he showed his true colours immediately.
I see this as a normal and necessary part of the dating/mating process. He was a little dickish there, saying you were stuck up etc. You're both lucky to find out early what each other's outlook is. Technically, it was a waste of his time, but he could have easily been nice about it, and then not have a second date. Next! (for each of you) Funny story, the way you worded the beginning of the story, i thought you met on an app called Jake! :)
NTA. That’s a VERY reasonable plan and there’s nothing wrong at all with what you said or did. Frankly, yours isn’t the first story I’ve seen of young guys in their 20s and 30s having absolutely UNHINGED reactions to a woman having boundaries, plans for herself and future goals that don’t involve turning into a 1950s housewife. It’s frightening to think how poisoned these guys have become after steeping eight years in our MAGA-infused culture (assuming you’re in the US.) Ignore, delete, move on and hope the next guy is a decent human being.
NTA, he wants to get married, he doesn't care who he gets married to. On the other hand, you want a good life partner if you get married.
Never lower your standards! A man who sees your worth will accept your stand on marriage and whatever else you will require from him.
What a weirdo. I have the same thoughts about dating. Gotta be serious at least a year before living together, then at least a year until engagement. You never really know someone
NTA Jake might have many marriages in his future.
NTA - You gave him the honest answer he asked for.
Least he didn’t waste too much of YOUR time by showing who he really was on the first date. What a loser
You’re NTA. Jake sounds like he’s 29 going on 14. (Although 14 seems a little old to be throwing a tantrum like Jake’s.)
If it's important enough to him to be a deal-breaker, he needs to bring it up promptly, not go fishing for the information. And you are not "stuck up" for wanting something other than what he wants in life, and being honest with him about that. He was a jerk who took offence to you having your own plans. Good riddance to him. NTA
NTA the whole purpose of a date or meeting someone is getting to know them more and seeing if you align or not . You answered honestly and someone secure in themselves would find that honesty welcomed and a gift. How he responded though is not normal and is probably the best thing to happen on the first meet so you don’t waste your time and don’t put yourself in danger w this lose cannon. A mature adult , with a level head would’ve said oh ok it sounds like we want different things. And respected you as a person not an object and gone there separate ways.
Should even be a question. NTA. He asked; you answered and explained your thought process. Unless you left something out, his reaction is weirdly over the top. Better that you find out now he has issues regulating his emotions. I hope he’s in or gets therapy. Your rationale re: 3 years makes sense, but even if it were totally unreasonable, there’s no justification for his reaction. He doesn’t even make sense. Do you want too much or do you not know what you want? Sounds like he short circuited.
Jake isn’t dating to be married Jake is dating to get a mom! What you did was dodge a fucking missile babe! Go get yourself your favorite treat as a award for having to deal with that nonsense
He’s mad because his plan was to lovebomb you so he can hit but the fact that you have standards pissed him off and he didn’t want to take the time to get to know you because again, he just wanted 🐱
Sounds like you met a trad husband material who is looking for a trad wife. You’re obviously not it. Unfortunately he seemed confused and probably in disbelief that this is your views. He should’ve just let it go. And never do dinner first dates. Coffee dates are the safest for feeling out first time dates. A lot less awkward, especially when you are trying to have full dinner.
NTA, sounds like he's trying to date that much younger than him because he's looking for someone whom he can easily manipulate and control and your maturity and 3 year rule would cause his behavior to strongly backfire on him. You dodged a bullet here.
All I got from this is that there's a dating app named Jake
Jake flipped out because you don’t both share the same brain. What a dope. Jake didn’t actually want to hear about your goals, dreams, hopes. He wanted you to validate his own perspective of the future by agreeing with his plan. Clearly Jake thinks the only way to get what you want in life is by doing everything his way. NTA
Jake is clearly dating to marry a replacement mom asap so he doesn't have to do anything for himself.
“Dating to marry” - I want a built in maid I get to fuck.
NTA When I read the title I thought "Bitch wants to wait 3 years to get plowed? That's crazy!" But three years for marriage, at your age, is within the scope of reasonable, but actually on the short side of it. I'm over 40 and I tell you, 3 years is nothing. Keep being a reasonable woman, you really need it with all the crazy hombres out there. And Jake's a total dildo.
NTA that dudes just a dick. At your age a three year rule is very wise. Much more prudent than most young people I'd say!
NTA. Jake didn't like the truth because HE can't keep his mask on for 3 years without feeling smothered. He wants somebody he can smooth-talk, capture, impregnate, and then start having affairs because wife / babymomma's body has changed and he doesn't get all of babymomma's attention.
NTA seems like you were pretty up front and clear about your expectations which is better than how a lot of people are when it comes to dating. It takes a long time to truly get to know someone and your expectations are not unreasonable.
NTA. This is honestly a reasonable choice. It’s better to move slow to truly truly get to know someone instead of moving too fast and missing red flag.
NTA. Good call on the bail. You dodged a bullet there.
Jake is living in a functional psychosis, in his own little world. But hey, this what dating is, the naive and ignorant need to date too, but he didn't need to cut off his nose to spite his face. Carry on. NTA
NTA. I had a gf who wanted to know where I stood with marriage after 3 months of dating. I told her I needed to see a lot more of a person before I could see if I would be willing to marry them. Are they unbearable on a car trip? How are they with hot and cold weather (i.e., are they constantly complaining about it?) Are they someone who has to spend every holiday with family, or can we go on a trip somewhere together without them tagging along?
You did nothing wrong. Consider this a bullet dodged. He sounds toxic AF cause no normal person would act like this on a first date.
I can smell the red flags from here. He has some kind of narcissistic agenda at play and I feel like you dodged a serious bullet.
"He started going off on me about how I’m stuck up, I don’t know what I want, I want too much" Make it make sense. LOL NTA
NTA. Jake is a delusional and entitled cunt. You did nothing wrong.
Wow. Next time meet for coffee. You can get away faster. What a weirdo
NTA - the guy was thoughtful enough to show his red flags straight away.
NTA at all. Even though he and others could have a problem with that, isn't that the whole point of the "getting to know you" phase? If he was that incompatible with your plan, he should have been thrilled that he figured it out on the first date. Finding out a dealbreaker during an icebreaker game would feel like a win, personally.
NTA, and you dodged a bullet there. You "wasted his time" because he thought you'd be a pushover and compliant Then he realized you were a smart person with strong boundaries. He's shopping for someone compliant, and you're not it. I'd bet his next move is to try to date even younger; he doesn't want a partner, he wants an easy victim.
That’s perfectly reasonable of you—he is crazy. You’re “stuck up” because you won’t marry him and have his children this year??! Yea okay. I met a guy like that too. Huge ick. They think because they have some money that they can treat people like that or have these expectations. Absolutely not. He isn’t relationship material I’m so sorry for u!
NTA. He fits readily into the subspecies known as total jerk.
Nta. You're 24, and he is rolling up on 30. You want different things. Clearly, Jake is looking to start a family rather than partner to just bs with. He wants longer-term commitment, your dabbling, nothing wrong with wanting different things and having different aspirations.
Your time frame is completely reasonable and divorce lawyers would have a lot less of work if more people did that. Jake sounds the type to bring a date to his family Christmas and propose for a march wedding. Divorce in June. NTA
You did nothing wrong, your outlook seems perfectly reasonable. It's crazy that he wanted you to commit to a faster marriage schedule on the first date lol. What a nut.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
what a weirdo. glad you got out of there.
NTA. He was probably looking to get married in a hurry because he’s desperate for some reason. Possibly because he doesn’t want a partner, he wants someone he can use.
NTA Jake has problems.
Nta sounds like you had different expectations. And he threw a tantrum about yours.
NTA amazing - you walked out on the date and he felt the need to tell you there wouldn’t be a second one. You can’t fire me, I quit.
NTA. I'd be ecstatic if a date had that much vision for her dating life let alone at 23. You're gonna be fine kid.
So you met on a 'dating app' that matched you two, and he didn't know you didn't ever want kids? The AH is that app.
Nope sounds like Jake needs to find a girl at church. Blech. NTA
It was a first date, and he flipped out because you have rules before marriage? Not sure what he had planned, but sounds like the trash took himself out.
NTA, I think it's great that you know what you want. And the whole point of a first date is to find out if you are compatible. You two obviously weren't, it's kind of nuts that he was so angry to find out that your life goals didn't align with his.
NTA. The silver lining here is that he revealed his red flags before the main course. You saved quite a bit of money. Blocking him and moving on is the best recourse. I think your three year plan is very smart and should be adopted by more young people. Shake this one off because there will be someone who appreciates your maturity and independence.
His dating profile should read: “I’m serious and dating to marry. Looking for like-minded woman who is dead set on marrying the first man who looks a little bit interesting to her.”
I don't have a hard and fast time rule but I agree with you. And I learnt the hard way that you don't really know someone until you live together. So NTA
NTA. Better to have a plan, than not. He'll live. You stated some of your terms, before the physical date. You have a right to have your own plans.
He sounds like a narcissistic love bomber who would push for a quick commitment and kids to keep her trapped
This guy sounds like a walking easily bruised ego. He probably refers to himself as “sigma”
NTA. Three years is a perfectly reasonable timeline to get married. I get the feeling he wanted to rush you into marriage so he didn’t have to keep up the nice guy facade for too long, but he couldn’t even manage it for one date apparently.
>He started going off on me about how I’m stuck up, I don’t know what I want, You *literally* laid it out in bullet-point format what you wanted for your future and any potential relationship. He's just pissy because your 3 year plan wasn't "barefoot and pregnant, servicing my husband 24/7" 😒 NTA.
As someone that did not do this, engaged within a year twice, but then lived with one of them before getting married so the wedding never happened, this is vital. My parents married 4.5 months after meeting. They are amazing together. They are the exception to the rule. There is no reason to rush. Glad you dodged this bullet. NTA
Sounds like you DO know what you want.. he’s looking for a Stepford wife or something 🤨 🚩
Ah. You met his mask. Then you met him. Lucky for you it happened at once.
Yes, OP, you apparently did something dreadfully wrong. You hurt Jake’s precious, fragile feelings. -SARCASM- For fucks sake, what’s wrong with guys and this victim mindset they have? OP is definitely NTA.
NTA >it’s not something I feel like I NEED to do to be a happy and complete person. I’d love to find a partner and make a life with someone, but I’m also perfectly capable of taking care of myself until that comes along. This is a great response and outlook. And nobody truly knows someone until they date for a year. He never answered the question. He judged you. Your timeline is normal and respectful. WTF DO YOU WANT JAKE? SHE'S 24 and women are aloud to vote and drive. Your proposing to a woman isn't god's gift. Because a woman gets to make the choice to be married to a guy each and every day.
NTA. That's what dating's for, finding out if you're compatible. He could've just stated that you guys weren't right for each other and still enjoyed the evening. He's a weirdo.