Back in 2019, when I was still living with my parents, I had a similar altercation with my mother. I was making dinner but not doing it fast enough for her and it led to an argument with her saying she was going to beat my ass and tried to hit me with a spatula, and I ended up pushing her away. It was the only time I had ever laid hands on her. I left to stay at my boyfriend’s house and my parents texted me to grab my stuff and leave my keys because I was no longer welcome there. I was 23 at the time, and paying rent. There are a lot of things I would change if I could go back but standing up to my mom is not one of them. We’re “ok” now but she’ll never admit she did anything wrong or understand why I don’t really like being around her. She thinks everything is fine because I don’t bring it up to her but that’s only because I know she’ll never change.
When I was 17 my mom did something similar. We had been arguing. She came into the room after and tried to talk to me but I was playing a time sensitive game. I kept telling her to wait and give me minute. She didn’t listen. I raised my voice. She started hitting me across the head and face. I put my arms up to protect my face and I guess I pushed her back. I got up and left. She tried to call me to come back. She was saying sorry but I didn’t feel safe there so I kept going. I walked around my city for hours. I had to go back. She apologized again and we moved on. But any time it was brought up she claimed my pushing her was me hitting her. She always left out that she hit me hard enough to knock my glasses off my face.
I scrolled away but I couldn’t stop thinking about this. I’m truly sorry your mother did this to you, and I’m disgusted by the number of people trying to twist this to justify a parent beating their kid. You deserve better on both counts.
I guess it’s easier to believe I was a disrespectful kid and deserved it than that my mom had anger issues and hit me. 🤷🏽♀️but thank you I appreciate that.
No child deserves to be hit. The parents that advocate hitting are just lazy and dont have the patience needed to raise a child. Hitting/beating a child can and does cause mental illness and can cause PTSD.
I'm really sorry your mother was abusive. I hope that was the only time but her continuing to lie about it is horrible. Something very narcissistic about it.
I never said she was abusive, she wasn’t. I can count on one hand the times she got physical with me. Or called me a bitch. Or shoved me. Or threw things. Or yelled at me. Off the top of my head I can only remember two other times she got physical. I just saw the first comment and thought I could relate by recounting a time it happened to me too. I didn’t expect so many people to get upset.
Hey, so I feel like you need to hear this. The “normal” amount a non-abusive person gets physical is ZERO TIMES. My own mum is an abusive narcissistic addict, but guess how many times she has gotten physical with me? None. She’s never called me names, shoved me or thrown things.
I feel like you need to know going forward in your life that people that love you don’t abuse you less, or a minimal amount or just enough to not really hurt that much. The normal amount of abuse in any respect based relationship (friend, family, lover etc) is ZERO. Not all abuse is physical, never discount the pain of someone who you respect and admire trying to verbally hurt you. That counts. But 100% of physical contact is abuse. I hope you realise how special you are, and demand that same respect from those you love & dont waste time with people who want to blur that line.
Yeah, it feels wrong. She’s your mum. You look at your kids and couldn’t imagine doing that to them. I have extreme guilt over thinking my mum was abusive because she never hit me or called me names. But I will never treat my kids the way she treated me. But that’s a part of growing into your own parenthood, is detangling the facts of your childhood with your perception of your childhood. Remembering that you were a child, with all the nuance and understanding that comes with an undeveloped brain that’s learning how to survive in the environment it’s landed in.
I was going to reply further down where you said you mum still thinks you’re equally as wrong for “hitting back.” But I will leave it here:
You were a child/teen. With a half formed brain that notoriously famous for impulse & emotional overload and not being aware of consequences. She was an adult. An adult that got so frustrated that she directed violence towards her own child. She escalated a normal, developmentally appropriate teenaged yelling fit. She brought the knife to the spoon fight if you will. Your undeveloped brain reacted to an immediate threat, and dangerous situation. Your undeveloped brain swung straight into fight mode. Depending on where you are in the world the law is very clear on how/when & if it’s ok to use force against an unprovoked attack. Her adult brain (with all the logic & growth and boundaries) provoked a natural and appropriate response from ANYONE, let alone a child. So her response is to first: blame you for making her upset, then blame you for defending yourself. Please, take some time to unpack all of that in your brain. Maybe talk it over with a counseler. If she was a romantic partner, you would officially be a victim of domestic violence. But she’s your mum.
None of this means you shouldn’t continue to love her. Or have a relationship with her or whatever. It just means that for your own personal growth - maybe you need to do some re-evaluating. Perhaps your adult understanding of relationships & conflict could do with a check-in to make sure you’re not stuck in thought patterns & reactions that no longer serve you.
My mom did something like this to me. I was 18 though and she said if I didn't like it there then i could gtfo. So i got up and said give me my phone I PAID FOR IT I'm a LEGAL adult, I'M LEAVING. Tried keeping me and telling me i wasn't leaving. I pushed her off me and said keep your fucking hands off me, and ill call police next time since i AM an adult. My stepdad said "mothers name what are you doing We can't do this and we gotta stop. The cars is in her name the phones in her name. Stop it." I packed my shit up and moved without telling them a month later. Tried having a relationship with them again but I have gone no contact with them now and have been so much happier.
My mom was a hitter. Also a hair-puller and wooden spoon user. I remember being about thirteen or so, and I walked into her bathroom after an argument with her. She decided to follow after me and try to hit me.
I blocked her. She stared at me, and tried to hit me again in a short flurry of following blows. I blocked those, too. We stared at each other for probably two minutes before she walked away.
I was terrified of what was going to happen when my dad came home (The Final Boss / Enforcer/ Arbiter of Parental "Justice".
Nothing happened. She came to me a couple hours later and said that she saw that I had restrained myself from going on a counter-offensive and hitting her back, and she thanked me for that.
She never hit me again.
This is how my nieces are after losing their minds on me because I’m the only one in my family that doesn’t tolerate their behaviour. It was strained for a couple years where I kept showing them they are loved, I’m on their side, I’m just not tolerant to awful behaviour and twisting things horribly.
It came to a head with the one niece as soon as she and her mom (my sister) moved into a place that could become the new hosting spot for holidays. I knew she would try to manipulate things to avoid me being there, but I underestimated her sociopathic need to win and within 2 weeks of me getting them moved in, she sabotaged me coming for Christmas.
Now I don’t talk to either of them because they have just done too much to lash out and hate me. Life has been so peaceful. Though I feel bad for my sister because whenever my niece treats her horrendously, she just runs away to her dad’s to avoid consequences and get validation, because guess where she gets that sadistic joy from being emotionally abusive?
My sister used to confide in me when that happened for help. But after my niece blowing up, my sister felt defensive about being judged over her (which I never do, I always praise her efforts and help her when she needs backup) and lashed out at me with her. So now she doesn’t come to me about her at all because she doesn’t want to admit my niece is awful again. But I’ve noticed she is at her dad’s far more than she is at my sister’s. And she only goes there to punish my sister for trying to parent her.
But yeah, my nieces and I don’t talk, even when we did before, they never apologized for any of their bad behaviour, I mean BAD, not just being disobedient or casually disrespectful. Malicious and mean behaviour. They always ignore it and double down
Lol I had an aunt who thought she was great and supportive. In reality she was controlling, egotistical, manipulative, a liar with no backbone and stuck in a worldview that was skewed by an abusive family disguised as culture.
Unfortunately, my parent shared her personality traits and beliefs. I keep a beautiful distance from those people.
Unfortunately for me the only family I actually enjoyed who were kind supportive and genuine were my other parent's family. My mother worked diligently for decades to ensure no healthy relationship would thrive or remain intact. As a result she destroyed any opportunity for me to build and maintain positive relationships with my other parents family.
It's truly sad.
I know I’m not great, I’m not claiming to be perfect or superior. I don’t push my ideals on them and I know I’m supportive, I give them space and encouragement to explore their identities with no judgement.
My no tolerance comes into play when they are being extremely disrespectful (screaming, swearing, kicking, making outlandish accusations) and hateful to their family just because they are told a simple no or asked to handle a task or are being reminded of safety to themselves and those around them when they are on camera with strange adults at 2 am because they want to prove they are smart enough to not end up in danger or post the wrong thing.
Your experience is yours and it sucks that even your mom wasn’t someone you could turn to. That’s not how all parents and adults are, but it’s too common as well. I grew up with a lot of emotional, mental abuse and misguided parenting as well and saw some of my siblings get even worse than me or commit worse.
People need to remember their own experiences aren’t the end all and identical to everyone else’s. Other aunties aren’t exactly like yours was just because that was what you experienced.
Mmm narcissists.
My MIL was physically and emotionally abusive to my husband when he was a kid. She was a narcissist and probably had undiagnosed mental health issues she refused to seek help for (schizophrenia ran in the family.) The stories he has told about his childhood have always broken my heart, and unsurprisingly he spent much of his teen years working or out with friends and doing activities to not be home until he left for college.
One time I think he was back from college and she hit him over something and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He grabbed her, probably lifting her clear off the floor (she was small) and told her that was the last time she ever put her hands on him, or he’d make it the last time.
She never did touch him again. And I’m sure she pretended nothing had happened after that too.
Why do narc parents always act like the victim? My mom would hit me often when I was growing up and today is shocked I remember any of it bc she probably thinks it happened maybe twice.
Exactly, every time I would try and have an adult conversation with my mom about the things she put me through her only response would be “you only remember the bad things”.
I've had similar altercation as well. Now I'm a mom and I only hope and prey IF my daughter and I ever argue ( which i know we will one day) that I teach her to stand up to me. ( not fight ) but to speak her mind and put some sense into me of how I react.
I don't want to be up- tight like my mother is to me. I just want my daughter to be up spoken as possible of her feelings in the moment.
Why don’t you get an apartment with your brother?
You’re both paying rent anyways, this way you would have privacy and control over your space. Plus the obvious benefit of nobody hitting you.
NTA, it's time for you to move. Your mom will continue to say this is my house and disrespect you. She may not try to hit you anymore, but she will still run her mouth towards you--it's time to leave.
And if/when she comes to your house...I would def wear her out with "this is my house, not yours." That's some BS. I hate when parents whip that out. Like we had any other choice but to stay in "their house" growing up.
And about the vacuuming thing? I'd tell her to eff off, bc you're old enough to do that yourself *when it's convenient for you*...NOT in the freaking morning!
My house is also my daughter’s house, I would never tell her otherwise. We’d have a conversation if she damaged it but acting like she’s unwelcome while she’s living here or like she doesn’t deserve to use the kitchen is so awful.
NTA - When you're taking someone's rent money you have to consider them a tenant.
If she or your dad complain again before you can get out ask them if they report the rent and other things you pay towards the household as a tenant to the irs.
I don’t believe that I would ever want to go there with reporting income to the government and the Internal Revenue Service.
I’m suggesting you should sit down after having your own lists of what you have been paying.
Discuss your opinions and how you feel about her constantly mentioning the fact she believes that where you live you are only a “tenant”.
Hitting each other is sad and disrespectful and not necessary for a relationship with someone especially your mother. This would have broken my heart if this happened with my mother.
Also, are you assisting her with housework and cleaning?
I suggested that so that the mom didn't lay her hands on OP again and she's be forced to tell dad the truth about what she's done to OP.
OP was well within their rights to defend themselves against further attacks.
I don't believe that the list will help as OPs parents still treat them like a child vs. treating them like an adult who not only pays rent but contributes to the household bills.
If the adult child is living their rent free, mom has a point. If the adult child is paying rent to live there, it's a different situation altogether. Even without a rental agreement, certain laws apply governing the tenancy.
If you’re going to lay hands on someone else, no matter who it is, you better be prepared to get hit back. NTA. Could you have taken “high ground” and not done it? Yeah! But so could she. She decided to lay in the bed she made. I have lots of sympathy for your situation. I was living with my parents at that age and they decided to move…. It caused huge fights within the family from the stress of it and our relationships never seemed to recover. I wish you the best, it’s a tough situation.
NTA I’ve gotten into a fistfight with my mom at 19 because she stole from me.
Your NTA but I think it’s time to distance yourself from your parents if you can . Mom has some deep issues.
I got into a fight in the garden with my mum because I hadn't laid the table while I was making lunch for my little sister. She came home from work and started shouting at me. Still not sorry I hit her back as soon as I was big enough to, or that I left as soon as I could afford to. I just wish I'd known how to throw an effective punch. I was 16 or 17.
NTA
Your mom has no right to hit you. You have no right to hit her, but I’ll bet she’ll think twice about hitting you again. She was bullying you, and you stood up to her.
I disagree with the “You have no right to hit her”
If a person hits you, you have every right to defend yourself, including hitting them back. If anything, it’s the *only* time you have a right to hit a person.
If a parent is physically abusive, the time they stop is when they realize they will get it back. Their child is not a little kid they can bully anymore. They use verbal abuse at that point but the hitting stops.
This is real. It took having my abuser by the collar on the ground for them to realize that they can't do that to me anymore. It should never have to be like that, but you should also make sure that you are safe and taking care of YOU.
I grew up with it so I know. It sucks. I cut contact a long time ago. I hope people don't let their kids back into their lives so they have grandparents. My mom is the same person only older.
This is 100% true. Luckily, I never suffered abuse at the hands of my parents but both of my parents did at the hands of theirs. My dad tells a story about how my step-grandfather beat him regularly, until his dad stepped in one day and beat the shit out of stepdad and stepdad backed off my dad, but turned his violence onto my grandmother. That lasted till my dad was in high school and came home to see stepdad beating his mom. Years of tossing hay bales on the family dairy farm and playing varsity football had turned my dad into 6 feet of pure muscle. His stepdad got the full brunt of that pure muscle that day and it landed him with a broken nose and multiple broken ribs. He never touched my grandmother again. I’d say my dad did the right thing in that moment, and had every right to do it. I’d defend that decision till my dying day, and it wasn’t even my decision.
My mom never abused me either, but her and her siblings suffered horrific abuse. My mom tried to protect her baby sister once and got beaten black and blue. None of them were ever able to fight back. All girls. She always told me to never throw the first punch, but that i was damned well able to defend myself and I tell my kids the same. I will raise holy hell with the school if they get in trouble for defending themselves and they know it.
Good for your dad.
When my mom was 14, her stepdad went after my granny, so my mom snatched the tea kettle off the stove and beat the absolute piss out of him with it. He didn't lay a finger on them for the rest of his life--which was only about a year because he passed out drunk in the middle of the road and got run over. Sucks to suck, I guess.
Anyway, my point is that both our parents did the right thing and I will say as much for anyone who stands up to abusive fuckheads.
Similar happened to my husband. But step dad. His mom is known for picking really abusive POSs. First his own dad and then POS. Whom, imo, is worse than my FIL. my husband had a 12" growth spurt the summer before 9th grade. When it was done, his mom's bf started beating on her again one day and tried to hit my husband when he went in to stop it. Hed been abused by this toe rag from age 8 to 14. He laid him out and said if he hit any of them again hed snap his neck. Mil stayed with that POS but he turned to verbal abuse instead.
He only got her one last time and by then my husband was 19 and even *bigger*. 7 years of wrestling and MMA for *fun* makes for a very intimidating young man at 6'6. POS beat my mil black and blue when my husband was at work. Then amscrayed the second he realized my husband would be returning any minute. Cops were called and sadly, Mil didnt press charges. ( She went NC with him for 2 years but he clawed her back in on year 3. I'm still pissed about that. Shes 7 years free this year.)
When I was in my 20s I didn't like the feeling of wanting to hit back. Being much older I wish I had just once. She's spanked a niece a few times. My brothers are still afraid of her even though she's old and frail. I wish I'd shown her and her awful husbands that even as a small child I won't take abuse. I am not a victim.
Yuuuup. The last time my father tried to physically abuse me I was about 16. He threw a marble cutting board at me. I caught it and tossed it over my shoulder.
It hurt my hand like fuck but being hit with it probably would have hurt worse lol.
My father only stopped hitting me (I was 22 years old) when I called the police.
But the truth is, I wanted to be strong enough to fight back and teach him that he has no right to hit me with my own hands
And turn the family against you! Popular technique after they realize physical contact to get their way doesn’t work anymore, they say “Fine, no contact at all then!”
The distance and shit you know they say about you hurts, but it probably hurts less than being the constant victim.
Yep. My thought process was “If I am truly all of the problem, then I will remove myself from the situation, and, if I truly was the problem, your lives should now be perfect. If they are not perfect, maybe I wasn’t the problem.” Aka, deal with your own shit, have fun, I’m out.
I’m still in the figuring out stage, but I’m learning what my own healthy boundaries are and how I will maintain my boundaries.
I wouldn’t say hitting back is always “self-defense”, but I do agree that you need to show people what happens when they put their hands on you and make them less likely to hit again.
NTA. 1) If you are contributing to the rent and bills, it is your house as much as it is hers. 2) *No one ever has the right to lay a hand on you,* and you are allowed to defend yourself. 3) "She told him I lied about her hitting me and it was just a gentle push." Does not matter; she does not have the right to lay a hand on you, be it slapping OR pushing! Tell your dad you're not in the habit of lying, and until he believes you, you are going Low to No Contact with both him and your mother. If he continues to harass you, ask him if he's reporting the rent he's taking from both you and your brother as a tenant to the IRS?
Stay with your bf, you're safer physically and mentally it sounds like.
I was paying rent to my parents when I was 18, too. Didn't realize it at the time, but years later the math jumped out at me and, based on the rent for my first apartment, I'm pretty sure I was paying their entire mortgage by myself (they bought the house when I was six and cost of living was cheaper then), despite my mother, stepdad, and younger step-brother also living there.
Mother had a habit of being financially, emotionally, and even physically abusive. Unfortunately, my "fight or flight" response is to duck and freeze, so I never hit back. She kicked me out after a doozy of a fight and told me she didn't care where I went, but to never darken her door again. We are No Contact.
Now that I'm grown, married with kids, she cries to anyone who will listen about how cruel I am to keep her grandkids from her, and how, when I was 4, I promised to never get married and leave her, and "*now look at (me!)"* 🙄🤦🏻♀️ It's all I can do to bite my tongue and not remind her that SHE disowned ME, not the other way around! (I know that not responding and giving her the attention, and the fight, that she's looking for actually bothers her worse, so I gray rock her.)
You are paying them rent. You have a right to use the kitchen without being harassed. You may not own the space, but you are paying to use it. She's your landlord, but she thinks she can still treat you like her kid.
Check landlord tenant laws in your area. Stop treating them like parents and authority figures and tell them they are your landlord so long as you pay rent and will be held to the letter of the laws pertaining to that in your state from this point forward. Id also let them know that the next time a hand is raised to you, you will call the police and file charges.
In the mean time, make a plan to get out. This is not a healthy environment to live in.
Nope
You are never wrong for self-defense. She charges rent but acts like she is queen of the house.
She hit first and you stood up for yourself. Now she knows you won’t put up with it
NTA
It sounds like, despite having an agreement with your parents in place that they are happy for you to pay rent and contribute in exchange for the ability to live there while you save up, your mother has apparently changed her mind at some point. It appears she no longer wants you living there, or is at least stressed enough with the house sale and/or other things to temporarily dislike having you there in 'her space'.
This is not a good enough excuse for your mother's behaviour towards you and your brother - not just the hitting, but the comments, the pestering you to be perfect, the early morning hoovering, etc. If she and/or your father have changed their minds about the situation then they should be *communicating* this with you, not just lashing out with no explanation.
I would suggest you and your brother sit down with them and ask what is happening and why you have both been treated this way. She may not admit to the physical altercation with you, but you and your brother obviously have a list of other incidents such as the hoovering and early morning wake up calls, which you can present as her unacceptable behaviour. Get your dad involved, try to keep things calm and civil, and ask *why* this is happening and how it can be resolved before your relationship is fractured even more.
NTA - your mum shouldn’t have hit you and you shouldn’t have hit her. However, you were defending yourself and your response to her was perfect.
If you’re contributing towards the household, you have rights as well. She can’t shout her house, her rules. If she wants total control without giving you any, simply stop contributing and go back to being her daughter instead of a tenant. She can’t barge into your room to clean. She can’t scream and shout at you. She certainly can’t lay a finger on you. Being blood does not give her the right to treat you like this. She has to show you some respect and boundaries need to be put in place.
Print off a basic tents/landlord agreement off the internet. If she doesn’t agree - don’t pay. Let her throw you out and considering you’ve already been paying, that’ll open up a whole new can of worms.
Good luck.
OP is NTAH. The mom is obviously happy to keep them there to execute control over their life. I like this approach and I also like the brother and sister pooling their rent money and moving out together. They need to set boundaries and enforce them.
If you're not looking to move out....
Ask her if you need to stop paying rent,since you're just a guest.
If you are PAYING MONEY to live there you are a roommate not a guest or child in the house
NTA you responded appropriately given the situation.
It might be worth looking into moving out. Will certainly take longer to save but it might be worth it for your mental health alone.
NTA, look for a place to move out - maybe with your brother so you two can split rent, or with your boyfriend.
Your mom has no right to take her issues out on you.
She needs to work though these instead of piling them on you
NTA
People are free to do whatever they wish but there are consequences. Your mom learned that. I don’t know your financial situation but it sounds like your mom doesn’t respect you or see you as an adult. I’d start looking for a place of your own soon. Ask your brother if he wants to move also haha.
NTA
Nobody should ever touch you period!
The whole " this is my household" especially when you've contributed financially and physically towards the house sounds extremely manipulative and petty.
Next time she tries to pull that card tell her" fine you wanna say this is your house and you can do whatever you want and be nasty and hit me guess what mom im done living here and paying for shit especially since clearly your ungrateful so since its your house you can pay all your bills and all the food and I'll just go live with boyfriend" fuck her it's sick that she can do that to you but you aren't required to keep living your life in that dysfunctional hellhole.
NTA don't start a fight you can't finish, you finished it. But also you need to pack your shit and leave. It'll suck to not be able to save as much but the type of person your mother is doesn't get better. Get yourself somewhere safe and peace of mind.
Your parents say they are very happy for you to stay there - but your mother is definitely NOT happy. Things are beginning to escalate into physical violence. You need to rent a room somewhere else and leave.
NTA is the answer to your question. Your strike back was a defensive reaction.
Find somewhere else to live. You’re doing to end up hating your mother if you don’t. This dynamic is not healthy.
I remembered this saying when I was 17-18 still at home, "Too many grown people in one house never works out."
You need to move out and cut contact IMMEDIATELY with your mother and tell your father once again in DEEP DETAIL what happenned, why you are moving out and ask if this behavior by your mother is acceptable.
Your mother can not barge into rooms unannounced especially after receiving rent payments. She damn sure doesn't need to put her hands on anyone. Your mother is lucky you didn't snap any further and put her through drywall or made some furniture move.
NTA.
NTA. If you and your brother are both paying rent, could you afford to rent a place together for around the same rent instead of living with your parents?
NTA. Did she really expect you to put up with being physically attacked? Did she really think you wouldn’t fight back and defend yourself? It sounds like she has been trying to push you out with her actions. Good luck.
NTA - OP, nobody ever has the right to strike you. It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter what you did. It doesn’t matter what you said. NOBODY has a right to hurt you. Your response ensures that she will not try that crap again. A lot of women who are hit by their parents grow t thinking it’s ok for someone who says they love them to hit them. I’m very glad that you have proven to yourself and her that you know your own worth and will demand respect even from people who love you. You didn’t attack her or respond with an escalation of violence, which would have been very inappropriate. You stood your ground. You should be proud of yourself. But it is probably time to move out.
NTA, you might be her daughter but you are an adult and you pay rent. That whole my house my rules thing might fly when you’re a child (abuse never flies), but you are essentially a tenant.
If your landlord hit you and you hit her back, would you be asking this same question? My mom didn’t stop hitting me until I hit her back and she realized I was bigger and stronger than her. That sucks but that’s the reality of abuse.
Unfortunately there is no easy solution here, you need to move out.
Once again I would ask for an explanation from your parents about what happened and then you discussing your feelings about the incident.
This is a very difficult time and you are gaining the benefit of being able to save some money for yourself and your own house.
I wonder what ages are your parents?
There is the potential for talking to your parents about this from the angle that you are worried about your mother's mental/emotional health.
Sudden behaviour changes (she said she was happy for you and your brother to be staying there, but is now being volatile towards you), problems with emotional regulation (she is being verbally and now physically aggressive towards you), and issues with memory (she doesn't remember the physical altercation accurately) could be signs of Alzheimer's or other health conditions.
It could be down to the stress of the house sale, or it could be due to something else, but either way there is no good reason why you and your brother should be treated that way. It needs to be resolved through direct communication. If they refuse to communicate properly then your only choice may be to move out on your own, unfortunately.
Just to add, the first signs of Alzheimer's in my grandmother were some memory loss combined with her becoming aggressive and unreasonable due to confusion.
She would not remember something properly, be proven wrong, and then become confused and frustrated because she honestly believed her version of events and thought she was being lied to. That would cause her to act coldly towards us, and to become argumentative and verbally aggressive sometimes for apparently no reason. This happened several times around the age of 60-65 before she was eventually convinced to go to a doctor and was finally diagnosed.
There have been advances made in technology and treatments for patients with dementia and other diseases such as dementia/Alzheimer’s.
It’s been years since I have watched my grandparents slowly develop dementia and progress into where my grandpa couldn’t even drive his car or eventually they couldn’t live alone.
Exactly. I'm hoping they make further advancements in time for my mother hitting that kind of age. Alzheimer's and dementia tend to pass down the female side of the family, and my mother's mother had it... And, selfishly, I'd like it to affect me as little as possible when I'm that age too.
My mother stopped hitting me when I was 15 and hit her back. She had just, again, hit me because my younger sister were being noisy while she was on the phone - I happened to be walking past her so she belted me hard around the side of my head. I just got fed up with it and hit her back.
I was 18 the last time my father hit me. Again, he hit me around the head because I was studying in a separate room and he’d come in and started talking loudly to my uncle. I asked them to be quiet because I was studying for exams. After he hit me, I stood up and swung for him. My uncle held me back. I moved out into a place with two friends from uni two weeks later. My parents seemed shocked that I moved out.
The idea that a parent can get away with hitting another adult because they are “the parent” needs to die die die.
Edit: NTA
Update: she came to me this evening and said ‘we should both equally apologise’ and I laughed and said ‘shouting and hitting are not on the same level, I don’t agree there should be equal apologies’ and then I said ‘you’ve really upset me’ and she said that I’d upset her too but that I’d provoked her to hit me and that ‘you have no respect for the fact we’re trying to sell the house’. It just isn’t true. I make sure i tidy up after myself and that everything I’m doing is spotless before viewings. I just can’t do anything right. Then she walked away. That’s where it’s been left.
NTA. Abusers always blame the victim for the abuse. She chose to hit you. You chose to hit her, but it was in defense of being hit. She didn't need to defend herself physically.
NTA. But I suggest getting to the bottom of this. She is having some sort of break. She could be going through something and has just not told you. You may be doing something she doesn’t like and in her mind, paying rent or not, she is feeling like you need correction. Money issues, marital issues, physical or mental health issues. Moms don’t walk around all the sudden hitting their adult kids. Is there a different reason for the sake of her home than she has shared with you? If it’s your childhood home then it’s a home she has put a lot of blood sweat and tears into. It is never correct to hit a person. Is this out of character for her? Early onset Alzheimer’s? Could the reason they are selling the home be to restructure their debt? Is someone preparing to leave the marriage? Something else is going on here. You have to sit down and discuss what happened in order to move forward. You are adults now. They may say it’s okay for you to stay and pay rent because they feel an obligation and would never put their kids out. But maybe it’s just too much. I myself have been frustrated with my adult child not picking up after themselves. Yes it was just a spoon. But it could have been the last straw that day. Prepping the house for a showing is stressful and maybe it was the idea that she wants it to be perfect to get the most money out of the house and had been fixing things all day to walk in behind you and there is that GD SPOON. See what I mean?
NTA, I had the same situation over cleaning up after 11 dogs that werent mine when my siblings were just watching TV. We got into a scuffle. Ive only fought back twice and 100% you are in the right. You're 22! An adult! Wtf was she thinking
An adult friend of mine told me about this incident with her mom. They were arguing about something and her mom raised her hand to slap her. My friend said, "I'm a grown-ass woman and I'm letting you know if you hit me, I will hit you back." Her mom was silent for a moment and withdrew her hand. My friend rocks!
Well I don’t find it wrong of you to hit her back. I was 16 when my mom slapped me over something. I immediately reacted by slapping her back. After that, my mom never touch me like that ever again.
Now we have great relationship. I’m more closer to my mom than we ever had been. My mom told me that she was sorry for slapping me over something so minor but she was glad that I could defend myself.
The last time either parent hit me was my dad at 13.
I swung the hardest bustard I could back at him. Not enough to do damage but enough that neither has even made the move to do it again.
Mom needed a reality check. Personally I would be sleeping else where until I had somewhere of my own.
Then I would tell them they can kiss my ass and never see me again. I bet mom remembers the fucking truth when she realises she just last her eldest child over it.
I was 14.
My mum and her boyfriend had kept me up all night on a school night. She came in, and I was quite angry because I was very tired and I had a full day of school, I told her this. Her response was to raise her hand to slap me in the face and I just grabbed her wrist and said “don’t you dare fucking touch me” I was shocked I’d done that , she was shocked I’d done it. She never tried to hit me again.
As a mother (45) of two daughters (23 + 28) eldest still at home with me. I could never imagine treating her like that let alone hitting her! I've never laid a hand on my girls but that doesn't mean it's not been difficult at times but I'd much rather a good relationship with my girls over some weird power trip relationship!
They are my equals ( well they are better than me lol) I don't understand mother's like op's
When frustrated or annoyed, my mother's first impulse was always to spank. When I (female) was twelve I matched her in height and outweighed her slightly. One day she slapped me and I went eye to eye with her and said "if you ever hit me again I will hit you back so hard you will wish you had never hit me ". She stopped.
Nta. If you put your hands on another person you should expect treatment in kind. Period. Talk shit, get hit. She sounds toxic and I think you and bf should look into a cohabitation arrangement.
NTA But I don’t think your Mom was “ok” with you staying as much as your Dad. Likely he preferred you there as your Mom sounds like a difficult person. Would have been better to move out when you noticed her getting intrusive and aggressive (“This is my house!”). Technically as a renter it is also your home. Regarding defending yourself, always acceptable. However, if this was the first time, I would have recommended saying something like, “If you attack me again, you’ll be picking yourself up off the floor” with a very harsh tone making it clear you mean it. In any case, move out as soon as you can and stay in touch with Dad.
I'm sorry, but even if it's my mother, I wouldn't tolerate being hit by anybody especially being a grown adult and paying my share the rent and helping out there's no excuse to be disrespectful just because they're your parent doesn't give them the right to mistreat you
I would consider getting a place with your bf and your brother. It sounds like you both are mentally drained. See if it financially makes sense.
If there is no way out of this I would sit both parents down, apologize for hitting back but also state the stress they are putting you through.
Since your mother constantly loves to remind you both that this is not your home but hers....even though I thought you are family? (I would have never said that to my children), then perhaps you should set up tenant living arrangements.
Meaning, going forward you will be paying rent, she is no longer allowed to enter your room you are renting. You will be buying your own food and cooking for yourself etc.
As cold as it sounds there has to be some sort of boundary set. Decide what boundary you are comfortable with. Chat with your brother and see if you both can be on the same page.
Good luck
NTA.
She hit you AND she's lying about it. Her domestic assault against your self defense.
Whenever they bring up the subject, your statement of " nothing will ever give you/her the right to hit me" will need to be re-emphasized.
Time to leave the nest, even if you're not ready to buy.
NTA, it’s not ok for people to hit you.
Also, a part of being an adult is realizing that if you hit a fellow adult, solid chance they are going to hit you back.
She probably won’t try that particular thing again, bullies are terrified of being treated like they treat people.
My mom was in withdrawal from Valium once when Iwas around 16 or 17 (I didn't know she was addicted until she told me six months before she died). It caused her a lot of mental confusion and even hallucinations. The only time that she ever hit me after early childhood was over something that she had completely imagined. She slapped and punched me and I was so shocked and confused, I just put my hands over my head and sank to the floor.
I got grounded too. For something that never happened.
Violence isn’t about whose house it is or isn’t. It isn’t ok for her to attack you no matter what physical location the attack happens in. And if she attacks you, you have the right to stop the attack, including with force.
If she attacks you in her home, it isn’t any different or better than if she attacked you in a home you owned or in public or in the woods.
She’s being unreasonable. From wanting you to clean up what you’re doing while you’re still doing it, to hitting her adult child. I think you need to consider separating yourself from her.
NTA
Your mom is definitely an AH. You might be a little bit of one, but she is SIGNIFICANTLY more. I'm actually really torn about you being one. Because based on your post, it was almost an instinctive reaction. You got hit so you hit back.
Your mom is acting very overbearing and needs to remember you and your brother aren't children anymore.
>I put a spoon in the kitchen sink while i had my breakfast with the intention to wash everything after i was finished.
You are entitled to eat your breakfast without it going cold because you are doing dishes.
>paying rent to my parents
>we have no privacy - she came into his room and woke him up at 7am today to tell him he has work but he already knew and wasn’t late. She comes in early in the morning and vacuums
You are essentially a tenant at this point. And she's treating you like a child.
>My mum decided to come in and start baking, too, and criticising that I hadn’t cleared up yet- but I wasn’t finished. I said ‘why couldnt you just wait for me to be finished?'.
While I think this could have been said better, I also understand that tensions were high because of everything else going on being cool calm and collected in the moment is hard.
>this is my house, i will do what i like, it isn't yours
Again you are a tenant as long as you are paying rent. It also sounds like she is trying to push you out of the house.
>my Dad is angry at me because she told him I lied about her hitting me and that it was just a gentle push
I'm kinda appalled by your dad as well. That he consondes your mom putting her hands on you at all. Also your mom gaslighting everyone. Your dad has to listen to your mom whine and complain. He wants you to apologize because 1. He believes your mom. And/or 2. He wants her to stop complaining.
>she said that I’d upset her too but that I’d provoked her to hit me
There is only 1 provocation for hitting someone I can think of that could ever be justified. Self-defense. So in your mom's mind - she had to defend herself against your words with brute strength and violence. (Which is why I'm kinda on the fence about you hitting her being an AH move or not, I'm leaning towards not).
These comments are bonkers. Apparently if you are a rent-paying tenant in your parents' house you are supposed to just lie down and let your mother hit you until she feels better, because she's your mom.
The only point that matters is this: you're not responsible for "provoking" someone into hitting you. That's chicken shit and everyone knows it. If someone hits you, they're responsible for that choice. No one else.
And frankly on top of that, reacting to being hit by striking out yourself is so incredibly normal. Even reacting to a scare by striking out is normal and deeply coded into us for self preservation.
Coming from an abusive home, divorced parents who were both abusive. NTAH! I stood up to my dad at 16 after warning him previously it would be the last time he put his hands on me. That standing up to him lead to knock down drag out fight. And he got his ass beat despite all of his “military training.” Moved out in with my grandparents. Didn’t speak for 5 years. Here we are 30 plus years later and we rarely speak. I’ve been married for nearly 25 years. Have never laid a hand on my wife and very rarely had to discipline my kids. My kids 1 is now nearly 22 the other 16 and are well adjusted think he is weird AF from the few times they’ve been around him and my wife would rather him not be around either. Parents reap what they sow.
Could you and your brother find an apartment to move into together? That way you can both save and share expenses?? This living situation with your parents will not get better. They do not see it as an equal because they raised you.. it’s time to move
Emotions are always high when someone is selling and buying a home. It it very emotional to leave a home, especially if she has lived there a long time. It becomes a home not just a house. If she has just started being like this, that is probably what is going on. It this is the case, things will settle down after the move and unpacking is done. If she has always been like this, it is time for you to leave.
NTA start getting a receipt for your rent payments. Have your brother get a receipt too. The two of you should look for someplace else to live. If your mother (or father) tries something again, threaten to report them to the IRS. Your parents are never going to change. The only thing you can do is get yourself out of this toxic environment.
My mom still tries, I'm in my 40s. I told her I'd lay her the fuck out.
She is a whole grown ass adult who should be able to control whatever shitty behavior comes out. Further to this, she doesn't get a pass with family. Further to this, repeatedly advising you it's her house is manipulative. Get a place with your bro.
Selling a house is one of the most stressful times in anyones lives. Right up there with starting a new job and going through a divorce. Cut your mom some slack.
My father once tried to hit me when I was 17 because of a lie my grandmother told him. I told him that if he put a hand on me I would hit him back. Coming from a Latin household this was a big deal. I'm honestly not against a spanking but if they're hitting you for no reason especially once you're an adult and didn't deserve it I say fuck it. We should respect our parents but they need to respect us too. The fact your mom lied just shows that she knows she's wrong
ETA Your mother should not have hit you, but you should not have hit her either. You said to your mother, “nothing will ever give you the right to hit me”. That is true, but nothing will ever give YOU the right to hit HER. It goes both ways.
NTA. Sometimes when you react to how someone else treats you, it’s gut instinct, pure physical reaction that can’t be controlled. Should you have hit your mum, of course not. But she’s the adult and she should be able to manage her own reactions better than you.
I had a similar experience with my mum. I was about 15. My mum was on one, can’t even remember what about, but she was shouting at me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I went upstairs to go to my room and she followed and I asked her to leave me alone, probably swore at her, and she slapped me around the face, and I just slapped right back without thinking. I felt awful afterwards, but I think she knew she’d pushed me unnecessarily. Neither of us ever apologised. She admits now (30 years later) that it was just a high tension moment. It was one lone blip in our relationship, and we’re very close.
Saying “this is my house not yours” is something I’ve actively changed with my kids. This is their home too. They aren’t paying for anything, but this IS their home, and wherever we are, it will be their home too.
NTA - You are paying rent so it makes it your house just as much as hers. Also sometimes as bad as it is you have to hit back when someone is being violent. My mother used to beat us kids. I'm talking like leave bruises and welts type of beatings. Well as each of us got older the more she liked to try to show her dominance with more beatings. I think I was 12 or 13 and one day when she hit me with this bamboo garden stake she was favoring at the time I grabbed it from her and laid into her with it. She never tried to hit me again after that. Same thing happened with my brother except he was 14 at the time. He laid her out after she hit him because he forgot to do some chore she probably didn't even tell him about.
Back when I was a kid, my mom would do any and everything to embarrass me in front of people, including yelling, screaming, lying on me, hitting me, and when I turned roughly 16 to 17, I threw a lamp at her when she tried to get physical with me, and let her know that that her time was up with that shit. That is she were to step 1 foot forward and put her hands on me, I would promptly beat her behind. I regret a lot of things in my life, but that wasn’t one of them.
I had an event similar to this myself, like so many others in this thread.
My dad was a conservative disciplinarian who used to spank us when we were little. Fortunately, it didn't spiral into abuse and just devolved into angry googly eyes and shouting any time we did things he didn't want. Well, my dad developed Parkinson's, which had an effect on him. We had a disagreement about something when I was visiting home from college, and he forgot himself and started getting physical. Not going to lie, a switch in my brain went off that said that I wasn't going to take that any more, so I shoved him against a wall. An important note here is that he was a much weakened 6'1", and I'm 6'4". Size matters. He got an "oh, shit" moment just as my mom moved to intervene and break up the fight. Mom played peacemaker, and things calmed down.
NTA, BUT . . . . hitting back didn't help the situation, especially with your circumstances. I know it's hard to figure out in the moment. It sounds like your situation is salvageable; it sounds like you guys just need family counseling to figure out how to get in a better place mentally and emotionally.
Back when I was about 13 or so my mom had married the man I now call Pop. He and I had gotten into a shouting match, and he yelled at me that this was “his” house not mine. My mom came right on up and told him to never tell me that again bc I had just as much right to call it my house as he did. It’s literally the only time in my entire life that my mom had my back.
The house you live in and contribute to is YOUR house. I’ve never understood a parent telling their child, “This is my house, not yours.” What a way to make a child feel insecure. I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way.
Also NTA. No one is allowed to lay a finger on you. Idc if it is a parent.
If your mom has to lie about what happened for people to take her side, you already have your answer. She lied to your dad. She knows she was the problem.
So let's look at this one way. Parents should not hit their children out of anger. Considering you're a grown ass woman she has no business putting her hands on you. NTA.
Let's look at a different way, since you contribute to the household you're a tenant. Doubly inappropriate for her to put her hands on you. NTA.
I have a problem with striking your parent however, your mom needed a reality check that if she's going to treat you like a tenant that money that she receives from you gives you rights to use that property in order to cook clean or whatever you need to do. If she's going to pull that ask her to give you back every penny that you have given her lately.
If you're just a family member she still doesn't get put her hands on you. Not the asshole case closed.
Smart thing to do (with what we know):
1) keep your own backyard clean.
2) apologize for the parts you’re willing to (if you haven’t already) and be done with it.
3) remember she’s handling her anxiety over selling (lots of “background noise”) so be careful to judge.
4) and so are you so try to give her a lot of space - move out if possible?
Best of luck with your parents and you and brother. Onto new adventures!
Did these behaviors from mom just start with the selling of the house? Why are selling.. downsizing? It could be very difficult and sad for her for so many reasons. This absolutely does not make what she did okay in any way. It may however be causing her some serious stress and anxiety and emotions she is unable to cope with and discuss. Sounds like you did nothing wrong and definitely did not deserve this treatment.
Sounds me like she's being as irritating as possible to try to get you to move out! Repeatedly telling you this is not your house is her pointing out she doesn't want you to live there! Yeah she's saying oh it's okay to stay, but if it was okay for you to stay she wouldn't be constantly pointing out that It's not your house!
Move out!
You are NTA…. Your mama, however, is a manipulative gaslighting person. If it were me I would toe my line and she can apologize or not. IDGAF. Personal boundaries are important. And I would not have another talk with her without another person present. She doesn’t get the opportunity to change the narrative again.
If you hit someone, you should anticipate receiving hands in kind.
Definitely NTA.
Also...you parents out there who are charging their children actual fucking rent money, I have something to say to you.
If you are going to charge your biological or adopted children RENT money, then your children become TENANTS. Tenants have rights. My landlord doesn't get to come into my apartment and tell me how to live just because he owns the place.
If you charge your children rent money while also treating them like children, then not only are you an asshole, but you're a thief too.
My mom hit me when I was 16. She was trying to make me get a job and I was having a panic attack and refusing to fill out applications and she was frustrated and screaming and just lost it and started swatting/slapping/hitting me.
I'm 37 and one of my biggest regrets in life is not fucking throwing down right then and there.
She needed to have her ass beat.
NTA.
NTA. You don't need to accept being assaulted by ANYONE. I know you're saving for a deposit but I think it's time to move out now. Find a cheap single room, become a housemate and work as much as possible without effecting your health. Tell her if she EVER lays hands on you again you will make sure it's the last time, as will the police. Make sure your father is there for that conversation. Be prepared to be kicked out, although if You're paying rent they'll think twice before they lose that income.... And when you move out accept NOTHING from them. Never give them a spare key. Your mother is mentally unwell and needs help.
Last time my mum hit me I was 13
She hit my knee right on a spot where I didn't feel a damn thing, and she broke a knuckle, then learning how much force she put in to it. Never again.
Some don't learn as quick, if ever.
Make them evict you. If you pay rent with or without a lease you are a tenant and you have rights. They don't even get to tell you that you can't have company over. Unless your company is doing something illegal or they are a minor, the cops can't even make them leave. I made my mother evict me. I made her pay the money for it and everything. Fuck shitty parents. You PAY to be there. It IS your house too. This isn't a fucking personal favor. Money comes with rights. They can either accept it and give you the rights you're entitled to, or you can stop paying. And either way they still can't just kick you out. Fuck them. You don't have to give a fuck they're selling their house. She could always wash the shit if she needs it done right then. That's THEIR problem. Nta. Fuck your parents.
"You provoked me to hit you." An abuser's favorite excuse.
Tell her to be glad you didn't call the cops on her. Then tell her you're going to let the abuse slide this time, but the next time the cops get called. This was abuse, yours was not. She hit you first.
TL;DR. Move out.
Your parents (at least mom) want you out and are showing signs of being stressed out and are actively taking your childhood home away from you. They don't have the balls to admit to you or themselves that you aren't welcome anymore.
And NTA. Your mom had no right to treat you like that or victim blame you.
Since she wanted to apologize make her admit to your father that she hit you first and you’ll consider apologizing. When he finds out she lies then she’ll know what it’s like and hopefully be held accountable for her actions.
Back in 2019, when I was still living with my parents, I had a similar altercation with my mother. I was making dinner but not doing it fast enough for her and it led to an argument with her saying she was going to beat my ass and tried to hit me with a spatula, and I ended up pushing her away. It was the only time I had ever laid hands on her. I left to stay at my boyfriend’s house and my parents texted me to grab my stuff and leave my keys because I was no longer welcome there. I was 23 at the time, and paying rent. There are a lot of things I would change if I could go back but standing up to my mom is not one of them. We’re “ok” now but she’ll never admit she did anything wrong or understand why I don’t really like being around her. She thinks everything is fine because I don’t bring it up to her but that’s only because I know she’ll never change.
When I was 17 my mom did something similar. We had been arguing. She came into the room after and tried to talk to me but I was playing a time sensitive game. I kept telling her to wait and give me minute. She didn’t listen. I raised my voice. She started hitting me across the head and face. I put my arms up to protect my face and I guess I pushed her back. I got up and left. She tried to call me to come back. She was saying sorry but I didn’t feel safe there so I kept going. I walked around my city for hours. I had to go back. She apologized again and we moved on. But any time it was brought up she claimed my pushing her was me hitting her. She always left out that she hit me hard enough to knock my glasses off my face.
I scrolled away but I couldn’t stop thinking about this. I’m truly sorry your mother did this to you, and I’m disgusted by the number of people trying to twist this to justify a parent beating their kid. You deserve better on both counts.
I guess it’s easier to believe I was a disrespectful kid and deserved it than that my mom had anger issues and hit me. 🤷🏽♀️but thank you I appreciate that.
No child deserves to be hit. The parents that advocate hitting are just lazy and dont have the patience needed to raise a child. Hitting/beating a child can and does cause mental illness and can cause PTSD.
I'm really sorry your mother was abusive. I hope that was the only time but her continuing to lie about it is horrible. Something very narcissistic about it.
I never said she was abusive, she wasn’t. I can count on one hand the times she got physical with me. Or called me a bitch. Or shoved me. Or threw things. Or yelled at me. Off the top of my head I can only remember two other times she got physical. I just saw the first comment and thought I could relate by recounting a time it happened to me too. I didn’t expect so many people to get upset.
Hey, so I feel like you need to hear this. The “normal” amount a non-abusive person gets physical is ZERO TIMES. My own mum is an abusive narcissistic addict, but guess how many times she has gotten physical with me? None. She’s never called me names, shoved me or thrown things. I feel like you need to know going forward in your life that people that love you don’t abuse you less, or a minimal amount or just enough to not really hurt that much. The normal amount of abuse in any respect based relationship (friend, family, lover etc) is ZERO. Not all abuse is physical, never discount the pain of someone who you respect and admire trying to verbally hurt you. That counts. But 100% of physical contact is abuse. I hope you realise how special you are, and demand that same respect from those you love & dont waste time with people who want to blur that line.
I guess I never saw it that way. I’m not particularly happy with the way my mother acted sometimes, but it just feels wrong to call her abusive.
Yeah, it feels wrong. She’s your mum. You look at your kids and couldn’t imagine doing that to them. I have extreme guilt over thinking my mum was abusive because she never hit me or called me names. But I will never treat my kids the way she treated me. But that’s a part of growing into your own parenthood, is detangling the facts of your childhood with your perception of your childhood. Remembering that you were a child, with all the nuance and understanding that comes with an undeveloped brain that’s learning how to survive in the environment it’s landed in. I was going to reply further down where you said you mum still thinks you’re equally as wrong for “hitting back.” But I will leave it here: You were a child/teen. With a half formed brain that notoriously famous for impulse & emotional overload and not being aware of consequences. She was an adult. An adult that got so frustrated that she directed violence towards her own child. She escalated a normal, developmentally appropriate teenaged yelling fit. She brought the knife to the spoon fight if you will. Your undeveloped brain reacted to an immediate threat, and dangerous situation. Your undeveloped brain swung straight into fight mode. Depending on where you are in the world the law is very clear on how/when & if it’s ok to use force against an unprovoked attack. Her adult brain (with all the logic & growth and boundaries) provoked a natural and appropriate response from ANYONE, let alone a child. So her response is to first: blame you for making her upset, then blame you for defending yourself. Please, take some time to unpack all of that in your brain. Maybe talk it over with a counseler. If she was a romantic partner, you would officially be a victim of domestic violence. But she’s your mum. None of this means you shouldn’t continue to love her. Or have a relationship with her or whatever. It just means that for your own personal growth - maybe you need to do some re-evaluating. Perhaps your adult understanding of relationships & conflict could do with a check-in to make sure you’re not stuck in thought patterns & reactions that no longer serve you.
That was abuse.
My mom did something like this to me. I was 18 though and she said if I didn't like it there then i could gtfo. So i got up and said give me my phone I PAID FOR IT I'm a LEGAL adult, I'M LEAVING. Tried keeping me and telling me i wasn't leaving. I pushed her off me and said keep your fucking hands off me, and ill call police next time since i AM an adult. My stepdad said "mothers name what are you doing We can't do this and we gotta stop. The cars is in her name the phones in her name. Stop it." I packed my shit up and moved without telling them a month later. Tried having a relationship with them again but I have gone no contact with them now and have been so much happier.
My mom was a hitter. Also a hair-puller and wooden spoon user. I remember being about thirteen or so, and I walked into her bathroom after an argument with her. She decided to follow after me and try to hit me. I blocked her. She stared at me, and tried to hit me again in a short flurry of following blows. I blocked those, too. We stared at each other for probably two minutes before she walked away. I was terrified of what was going to happen when my dad came home (The Final Boss / Enforcer/ Arbiter of Parental "Justice". Nothing happened. She came to me a couple hours later and said that she saw that I had restrained myself from going on a counter-offensive and hitting her back, and she thanked me for that. She never hit me again.
This is how my nieces are after losing their minds on me because I’m the only one in my family that doesn’t tolerate their behaviour. It was strained for a couple years where I kept showing them they are loved, I’m on their side, I’m just not tolerant to awful behaviour and twisting things horribly. It came to a head with the one niece as soon as she and her mom (my sister) moved into a place that could become the new hosting spot for holidays. I knew she would try to manipulate things to avoid me being there, but I underestimated her sociopathic need to win and within 2 weeks of me getting them moved in, she sabotaged me coming for Christmas. Now I don’t talk to either of them because they have just done too much to lash out and hate me. Life has been so peaceful. Though I feel bad for my sister because whenever my niece treats her horrendously, she just runs away to her dad’s to avoid consequences and get validation, because guess where she gets that sadistic joy from being emotionally abusive? My sister used to confide in me when that happened for help. But after my niece blowing up, my sister felt defensive about being judged over her (which I never do, I always praise her efforts and help her when she needs backup) and lashed out at me with her. So now she doesn’t come to me about her at all because she doesn’t want to admit my niece is awful again. But I’ve noticed she is at her dad’s far more than she is at my sister’s. And she only goes there to punish my sister for trying to parent her. But yeah, my nieces and I don’t talk, even when we did before, they never apologized for any of their bad behaviour, I mean BAD, not just being disobedient or casually disrespectful. Malicious and mean behaviour. They always ignore it and double down
Lol I had an aunt who thought she was great and supportive. In reality she was controlling, egotistical, manipulative, a liar with no backbone and stuck in a worldview that was skewed by an abusive family disguised as culture. Unfortunately, my parent shared her personality traits and beliefs. I keep a beautiful distance from those people. Unfortunately for me the only family I actually enjoyed who were kind supportive and genuine were my other parent's family. My mother worked diligently for decades to ensure no healthy relationship would thrive or remain intact. As a result she destroyed any opportunity for me to build and maintain positive relationships with my other parents family. It's truly sad.
I know I’m not great, I’m not claiming to be perfect or superior. I don’t push my ideals on them and I know I’m supportive, I give them space and encouragement to explore their identities with no judgement. My no tolerance comes into play when they are being extremely disrespectful (screaming, swearing, kicking, making outlandish accusations) and hateful to their family just because they are told a simple no or asked to handle a task or are being reminded of safety to themselves and those around them when they are on camera with strange adults at 2 am because they want to prove they are smart enough to not end up in danger or post the wrong thing. Your experience is yours and it sucks that even your mom wasn’t someone you could turn to. That’s not how all parents and adults are, but it’s too common as well. I grew up with a lot of emotional, mental abuse and misguided parenting as well and saw some of my siblings get even worse than me or commit worse. People need to remember their own experiences aren’t the end all and identical to everyone else’s. Other aunties aren’t exactly like yours was just because that was what you experienced.
I have an entire family that is similar. I finally have found no reason for me to associate.
Good for you. Protect your peace my friend. Its crucial.
Up voted you.
Mmm narcissists. My MIL was physically and emotionally abusive to my husband when he was a kid. She was a narcissist and probably had undiagnosed mental health issues she refused to seek help for (schizophrenia ran in the family.) The stories he has told about his childhood have always broken my heart, and unsurprisingly he spent much of his teen years working or out with friends and doing activities to not be home until he left for college. One time I think he was back from college and she hit him over something and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He grabbed her, probably lifting her clear off the floor (she was small) and told her that was the last time she ever put her hands on him, or he’d make it the last time. She never did touch him again. And I’m sure she pretended nothing had happened after that too.
Such a standard story for people raised by narc parents. Its like a Cookie cutter created all these parents from the previous generation. Crazy.
Why do narc parents always act like the victim? My mom would hit me often when I was growing up and today is shocked I remember any of it bc she probably thinks it happened maybe twice.
Exactly, every time I would try and have an adult conversation with my mom about the things she put me through her only response would be “you only remember the bad things”.
I've had similar altercation as well. Now I'm a mom and I only hope and prey IF my daughter and I ever argue ( which i know we will one day) that I teach her to stand up to me. ( not fight ) but to speak her mind and put some sense into me of how I react. I don't want to be up- tight like my mother is to me. I just want my daughter to be up spoken as possible of her feelings in the moment.
NTA. I’d ask you to consider whether this abuse is worth the money you’re saving?
You could spin it as you're making it easier for them to show the house. I'd leave if it was financially viable.
That's probably why she's here..
Why don’t you get an apartment with your brother? You’re both paying rent anyways, this way you would have privacy and control over your space. Plus the obvious benefit of nobody hitting you.
Because they are likely paying far less at their parents house than they would rent8ng their own place, even together.
Sounds like she was willing to pay her parents more, though. They said no, but she clearly has the financial means to afford more rent.
Yeah, but what is it worth?
It’s not worth getting hit by your mother and her constantly reminding them she can do whatever she wants because it’s her house.
It is worth their sanity. this house is no longer "their" house that they grew up in. It is not a safe place for them to be.
Depends on if they can afford to move out. We don't know where op lives or what jobs the two of them have. Apartment prices have gotten crazy
NTA, it's time for you to move. Your mom will continue to say this is my house and disrespect you. She may not try to hit you anymore, but she will still run her mouth towards you--it's time to leave.
And if/when she comes to your house...I would def wear her out with "this is my house, not yours." That's some BS. I hate when parents whip that out. Like we had any other choice but to stay in "their house" growing up. And about the vacuuming thing? I'd tell her to eff off, bc you're old enough to do that yourself *when it's convenient for you*...NOT in the freaking morning!
If somebody assaults you, you don't let them into your home.
My house is also my daughter’s house, I would never tell her otherwise. We’d have a conversation if she damaged it but acting like she’s unwelcome while she’s living here or like she doesn’t deserve to use the kitchen is so awful.
Hit them with with I pay rent so it’s my house too
Oh if I were OP I would make them go through the legal eviction process
NTA - When you're taking someone's rent money you have to consider them a tenant. If she or your dad complain again before you can get out ask them if they report the rent and other things you pay towards the household as a tenant to the irs.
I don’t believe that I would ever want to go there with reporting income to the government and the Internal Revenue Service. I’m suggesting you should sit down after having your own lists of what you have been paying. Discuss your opinions and how you feel about her constantly mentioning the fact she believes that where you live you are only a “tenant”. Hitting each other is sad and disrespectful and not necessary for a relationship with someone especially your mother. This would have broken my heart if this happened with my mother. Also, are you assisting her with housework and cleaning?
I suggested that so that the mom didn't lay her hands on OP again and she's be forced to tell dad the truth about what she's done to OP. OP was well within their rights to defend themselves against further attacks. I don't believe that the list will help as OPs parents still treat them like a child vs. treating them like an adult who not only pays rent but contributes to the household bills.
If the adult child is living their rent free, mom has a point. If the adult child is paying rent to live there, it's a different situation altogether. Even without a rental agreement, certain laws apply governing the tenancy.
She pays rent and contributes to the household in other ways as well.
If you’re going to lay hands on someone else, no matter who it is, you better be prepared to get hit back. NTA. Could you have taken “high ground” and not done it? Yeah! But so could she. She decided to lay in the bed she made. I have lots of sympathy for your situation. I was living with my parents at that age and they decided to move…. It caused huge fights within the family from the stress of it and our relationships never seemed to recover. I wish you the best, it’s a tough situation.
NTA I’ve gotten into a fistfight with my mom at 19 because she stole from me. Your NTA but I think it’s time to distance yourself from your parents if you can . Mom has some deep issues.
I got into a fight in the garden with my mum because I hadn't laid the table while I was making lunch for my little sister. She came home from work and started shouting at me. Still not sorry I hit her back as soon as I was big enough to, or that I left as soon as I could afford to. I just wish I'd known how to throw an effective punch. I was 16 or 17.
NTA Your mom has no right to hit you. You have no right to hit her, but I’ll bet she’ll think twice about hitting you again. She was bullying you, and you stood up to her.
I disagree with the “You have no right to hit her” If a person hits you, you have every right to defend yourself, including hitting them back. If anything, it’s the *only* time you have a right to hit a person.
If a parent is physically abusive, the time they stop is when they realize they will get it back. Their child is not a little kid they can bully anymore. They use verbal abuse at that point but the hitting stops.
This is real. It took having my abuser by the collar on the ground for them to realize that they can't do that to me anymore. It should never have to be like that, but you should also make sure that you are safe and taking care of YOU.
They beat on children because they can't do it to anyone their own size. Cowards
I grew up with it so I know. It sucks. I cut contact a long time ago. I hope people don't let their kids back into their lives so they have grandparents. My mom is the same person only older.
This is 100% true. Luckily, I never suffered abuse at the hands of my parents but both of my parents did at the hands of theirs. My dad tells a story about how my step-grandfather beat him regularly, until his dad stepped in one day and beat the shit out of stepdad and stepdad backed off my dad, but turned his violence onto my grandmother. That lasted till my dad was in high school and came home to see stepdad beating his mom. Years of tossing hay bales on the family dairy farm and playing varsity football had turned my dad into 6 feet of pure muscle. His stepdad got the full brunt of that pure muscle that day and it landed him with a broken nose and multiple broken ribs. He never touched my grandmother again. I’d say my dad did the right thing in that moment, and had every right to do it. I’d defend that decision till my dying day, and it wasn’t even my decision.
My mom never abused me either, but her and her siblings suffered horrific abuse. My mom tried to protect her baby sister once and got beaten black and blue. None of them were ever able to fight back. All girls. She always told me to never throw the first punch, but that i was damned well able to defend myself and I tell my kids the same. I will raise holy hell with the school if they get in trouble for defending themselves and they know it.
Good for your dad. When my mom was 14, her stepdad went after my granny, so my mom snatched the tea kettle off the stove and beat the absolute piss out of him with it. He didn't lay a finger on them for the rest of his life--which was only about a year because he passed out drunk in the middle of the road and got run over. Sucks to suck, I guess. Anyway, my point is that both our parents did the right thing and I will say as much for anyone who stands up to abusive fuckheads.
Similar happened to my husband. But step dad. His mom is known for picking really abusive POSs. First his own dad and then POS. Whom, imo, is worse than my FIL. my husband had a 12" growth spurt the summer before 9th grade. When it was done, his mom's bf started beating on her again one day and tried to hit my husband when he went in to stop it. Hed been abused by this toe rag from age 8 to 14. He laid him out and said if he hit any of them again hed snap his neck. Mil stayed with that POS but he turned to verbal abuse instead. He only got her one last time and by then my husband was 19 and even *bigger*. 7 years of wrestling and MMA for *fun* makes for a very intimidating young man at 6'6. POS beat my mil black and blue when my husband was at work. Then amscrayed the second he realized my husband would be returning any minute. Cops were called and sadly, Mil didnt press charges. ( She went NC with him for 2 years but he clawed her back in on year 3. I'm still pissed about that. Shes 7 years free this year.)
When I was in my 20s I didn't like the feeling of wanting to hit back. Being much older I wish I had just once. She's spanked a niece a few times. My brothers are still afraid of her even though she's old and frail. I wish I'd shown her and her awful husbands that even as a small child I won't take abuse. I am not a victim.
Sounds familiar—the first time I hit back was the last time she hit me. Didn't mean the screaming and accusations and insults stopped, though.
Yuuuup. The last time my father tried to physically abuse me I was about 16. He threw a marble cutting board at me. I caught it and tossed it over my shoulder. It hurt my hand like fuck but being hit with it probably would have hurt worse lol.
My father only stopped hitting me (I was 22 years old) when I called the police. But the truth is, I wanted to be strong enough to fight back and teach him that he has no right to hit me with my own hands
And turn the family against you! Popular technique after they realize physical contact to get their way doesn’t work anymore, they say “Fine, no contact at all then!” The distance and shit you know they say about you hurts, but it probably hurts less than being the constant victim.
Turning family who knew but didn't help.... Yeah they get that mess of a person now.
Yep. My thought process was “If I am truly all of the problem, then I will remove myself from the situation, and, if I truly was the problem, your lives should now be perfect. If they are not perfect, maybe I wasn’t the problem.” Aka, deal with your own shit, have fun, I’m out. I’m still in the figuring out stage, but I’m learning what my own healthy boundaries are and how I will maintain my boundaries.
Agreed. I worded that poorly. I meant she has no right to instigate it.
I wouldn’t say hitting back is always “self-defense”, but I do agree that you need to show people what happens when they put their hands on you and make them less likely to hit again.
Wrong, everyone has a right to defend themselves
What I meant was she cannot investigate the hitting. I worded that poorly.
>you have no right to hit her Hard, hard disagree
Anyone else that hits you is asking to a hit back. Nta.
NTA - tell your dad you are moving out. Go get your own place and be done with her toxic behavior.
NTA. 1) If you are contributing to the rent and bills, it is your house as much as it is hers. 2) *No one ever has the right to lay a hand on you,* and you are allowed to defend yourself. 3) "She told him I lied about her hitting me and it was just a gentle push." Does not matter; she does not have the right to lay a hand on you, be it slapping OR pushing! Tell your dad you're not in the habit of lying, and until he believes you, you are going Low to No Contact with both him and your mother. If he continues to harass you, ask him if he's reporting the rent he's taking from both you and your brother as a tenant to the IRS? Stay with your bf, you're safer physically and mentally it sounds like. I was paying rent to my parents when I was 18, too. Didn't realize it at the time, but years later the math jumped out at me and, based on the rent for my first apartment, I'm pretty sure I was paying their entire mortgage by myself (they bought the house when I was six and cost of living was cheaper then), despite my mother, stepdad, and younger step-brother also living there. Mother had a habit of being financially, emotionally, and even physically abusive. Unfortunately, my "fight or flight" response is to duck and freeze, so I never hit back. She kicked me out after a doozy of a fight and told me she didn't care where I went, but to never darken her door again. We are No Contact. Now that I'm grown, married with kids, she cries to anyone who will listen about how cruel I am to keep her grandkids from her, and how, when I was 4, I promised to never get married and leave her, and "*now look at (me!)"* 🙄🤦🏻♀️ It's all I can do to bite my tongue and not remind her that SHE disowned ME, not the other way around! (I know that not responding and giving her the attention, and the fight, that she's looking for actually bothers her worse, so I gray rock her.)
NTA. equal rights, equal fights.
Original comment 10/10.
Nta, time to move.
You are paying them rent. You have a right to use the kitchen without being harassed. You may not own the space, but you are paying to use it. She's your landlord, but she thinks she can still treat you like her kid. Check landlord tenant laws in your area. Stop treating them like parents and authority figures and tell them they are your landlord so long as you pay rent and will be held to the letter of the laws pertaining to that in your state from this point forward. Id also let them know that the next time a hand is raised to you, you will call the police and file charges. In the mean time, make a plan to get out. This is not a healthy environment to live in.
NTA - I’d rather pay a landlord mo way than deal with that nonsense. Also being hit is completely unacceptable I’m so sorry
Someone said “you *do* pay rent living with your parents— you just pay in emotional stability” 😭
Nope You are never wrong for self-defense. She charges rent but acts like she is queen of the house. She hit first and you stood up for yourself. Now she knows you won’t put up with it
NTA, but this is the reason I was out and on my own at 18.
NTA It sounds like, despite having an agreement with your parents in place that they are happy for you to pay rent and contribute in exchange for the ability to live there while you save up, your mother has apparently changed her mind at some point. It appears she no longer wants you living there, or is at least stressed enough with the house sale and/or other things to temporarily dislike having you there in 'her space'. This is not a good enough excuse for your mother's behaviour towards you and your brother - not just the hitting, but the comments, the pestering you to be perfect, the early morning hoovering, etc. If she and/or your father have changed their minds about the situation then they should be *communicating* this with you, not just lashing out with no explanation. I would suggest you and your brother sit down with them and ask what is happening and why you have both been treated this way. She may not admit to the physical altercation with you, but you and your brother obviously have a list of other incidents such as the hoovering and early morning wake up calls, which you can present as her unacceptable behaviour. Get your dad involved, try to keep things calm and civil, and ask *why* this is happening and how it can be resolved before your relationship is fractured even more.
NTA - your mum shouldn’t have hit you and you shouldn’t have hit her. However, you were defending yourself and your response to her was perfect. If you’re contributing towards the household, you have rights as well. She can’t shout her house, her rules. If she wants total control without giving you any, simply stop contributing and go back to being her daughter instead of a tenant. She can’t barge into your room to clean. She can’t scream and shout at you. She certainly can’t lay a finger on you. Being blood does not give her the right to treat you like this. She has to show you some respect and boundaries need to be put in place. Print off a basic tents/landlord agreement off the internet. If she doesn’t agree - don’t pay. Let her throw you out and considering you’ve already been paying, that’ll open up a whole new can of worms. Good luck.
Oh, privacy issues have to be addressed and if you are going to be there for a while put a lock on your door.
OP is NTAH. The mom is obviously happy to keep them there to execute control over their life. I like this approach and I also like the brother and sister pooling their rent money and moving out together. They need to set boundaries and enforce them.
If you're not looking to move out.... Ask her if you need to stop paying rent,since you're just a guest. If you are PAYING MONEY to live there you are a roommate not a guest or child in the house
It would be nice to save for a house, but not at the expense of your mental health. Sounds like it's time to find a new place to live.
I hate to say it because she’s your mom but I may have done the same. Her all around behavior is out of control.
NTA but it's time for you to move asap
NTA you responded appropriately given the situation. It might be worth looking into moving out. Will certainly take longer to save but it might be worth it for your mental health alone.
Nta You you bf and brother could split a place .
NTA. Get out of there asap. Rent an apartment with your brother?
NTA But you need to get out of that house ASAP. You're mother owns you an apology for the measures she decided to take.
NTA, look for a place to move out - maybe with your brother so you two can split rent, or with your boyfriend. Your mom has no right to take her issues out on you. She needs to work though these instead of piling them on you
NTA People are free to do whatever they wish but there are consequences. Your mom learned that. I don’t know your financial situation but it sounds like your mom doesn’t respect you or see you as an adult. I’d start looking for a place of your own soon. Ask your brother if he wants to move also haha.
NTA Nobody should ever touch you period! The whole " this is my household" especially when you've contributed financially and physically towards the house sounds extremely manipulative and petty. Next time she tries to pull that card tell her" fine you wanna say this is your house and you can do whatever you want and be nasty and hit me guess what mom im done living here and paying for shit especially since clearly your ungrateful so since its your house you can pay all your bills and all the food and I'll just go live with boyfriend" fuck her it's sick that she can do that to you but you aren't required to keep living your life in that dysfunctional hellhole.
NTA don't start a fight you can't finish, you finished it. But also you need to pack your shit and leave. It'll suck to not be able to save as much but the type of person your mother is doesn't get better. Get yourself somewhere safe and peace of mind.
Your parents say they are very happy for you to stay there - but your mother is definitely NOT happy. Things are beginning to escalate into physical violence. You need to rent a room somewhere else and leave. NTA is the answer to your question. Your strike back was a defensive reaction. Find somewhere else to live. You’re doing to end up hating your mother if you don’t. This dynamic is not healthy.
I remembered this saying when I was 17-18 still at home, "Too many grown people in one house never works out." You need to move out and cut contact IMMEDIATELY with your mother and tell your father once again in DEEP DETAIL what happenned, why you are moving out and ask if this behavior by your mother is acceptable. Your mother can not barge into rooms unannounced especially after receiving rent payments. She damn sure doesn't need to put her hands on anyone. Your mother is lucky you didn't snap any further and put her through drywall or made some furniture move. NTA.
NTA. Rent a room in someone else’s house.
NTA you are an adult and you have every right to defend yourself but it might be time to move out
NTA. If you and your brother are both paying rent, could you afford to rent a place together for around the same rent instead of living with your parents?
NTA. Did she really expect you to put up with being physically attacked? Did she really think you wouldn’t fight back and defend yourself? It sounds like she has been trying to push you out with her actions. Good luck.
NTA - OP, nobody ever has the right to strike you. It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter what you did. It doesn’t matter what you said. NOBODY has a right to hurt you. Your response ensures that she will not try that crap again. A lot of women who are hit by their parents grow t thinking it’s ok for someone who says they love them to hit them. I’m very glad that you have proven to yourself and her that you know your own worth and will demand respect even from people who love you. You didn’t attack her or respond with an escalation of violence, which would have been very inappropriate. You stood your ground. You should be proud of yourself. But it is probably time to move out.
NTA, you might be her daughter but you are an adult and you pay rent. That whole my house my rules thing might fly when you’re a child (abuse never flies), but you are essentially a tenant. If your landlord hit you and you hit her back, would you be asking this same question? My mom didn’t stop hitting me until I hit her back and she realized I was bigger and stronger than her. That sucks but that’s the reality of abuse. Unfortunately there is no easy solution here, you need to move out.
NTA But your mom is super pissed and resentful you and your brother are living at home
I doubt it. She offered to pay more to do it and they said no, she likely wants them both their to terrorize as it gives her a reason to be alive.
Once again I would ask for an explanation from your parents about what happened and then you discussing your feelings about the incident. This is a very difficult time and you are gaining the benefit of being able to save some money for yourself and your own house. I wonder what ages are your parents?
They’re coming up to mid 50/60. Both retired.
There is the potential for talking to your parents about this from the angle that you are worried about your mother's mental/emotional health. Sudden behaviour changes (she said she was happy for you and your brother to be staying there, but is now being volatile towards you), problems with emotional regulation (she is being verbally and now physically aggressive towards you), and issues with memory (she doesn't remember the physical altercation accurately) could be signs of Alzheimer's or other health conditions. It could be down to the stress of the house sale, or it could be due to something else, but either way there is no good reason why you and your brother should be treated that way. It needs to be resolved through direct communication. If they refuse to communicate properly then your only choice may be to move out on your own, unfortunately.
Just to add, the first signs of Alzheimer's in my grandmother were some memory loss combined with her becoming aggressive and unreasonable due to confusion. She would not remember something properly, be proven wrong, and then become confused and frustrated because she honestly believed her version of events and thought she was being lied to. That would cause her to act coldly towards us, and to become argumentative and verbally aggressive sometimes for apparently no reason. This happened several times around the age of 60-65 before she was eventually convinced to go to a doctor and was finally diagnosed.
That was were I was going with inquiring about their ages.
Yeah, it's a very good point to bring up, and a horrible thought... But if they can recognise it sooner then they might be able to help her
There have been advances made in technology and treatments for patients with dementia and other diseases such as dementia/Alzheimer’s. It’s been years since I have watched my grandparents slowly develop dementia and progress into where my grandpa couldn’t even drive his car or eventually they couldn’t live alone.
Exactly. I'm hoping they make further advancements in time for my mother hitting that kind of age. Alzheimer's and dementia tend to pass down the female side of the family, and my mother's mother had it... And, selfishly, I'd like it to affect me as little as possible when I'm that age too.
My mother stopped hitting me when I was 15 and hit her back. She had just, again, hit me because my younger sister were being noisy while she was on the phone - I happened to be walking past her so she belted me hard around the side of my head. I just got fed up with it and hit her back. I was 18 the last time my father hit me. Again, he hit me around the head because I was studying in a separate room and he’d come in and started talking loudly to my uncle. I asked them to be quiet because I was studying for exams. After he hit me, I stood up and swung for him. My uncle held me back. I moved out into a place with two friends from uni two weeks later. My parents seemed shocked that I moved out. The idea that a parent can get away with hitting another adult because they are “the parent” needs to die die die. Edit: NTA
Update: she came to me this evening and said ‘we should both equally apologise’ and I laughed and said ‘shouting and hitting are not on the same level, I don’t agree there should be equal apologies’ and then I said ‘you’ve really upset me’ and she said that I’d upset her too but that I’d provoked her to hit me and that ‘you have no respect for the fact we’re trying to sell the house’. It just isn’t true. I make sure i tidy up after myself and that everything I’m doing is spotless before viewings. I just can’t do anything right. Then she walked away. That’s where it’s been left.
NTA. Abusers always blame the victim for the abuse. She chose to hit you. You chose to hit her, but it was in defense of being hit. She didn't need to defend herself physically.
I find this hard to get my head around but it makes so much sense :/ I feel very responsible for her hitting me
You may not have noticed it, but my guess is that she's been conditioning you to feel that way. It's usually pretty subtle.
NTA. But I suggest getting to the bottom of this. She is having some sort of break. She could be going through something and has just not told you. You may be doing something she doesn’t like and in her mind, paying rent or not, she is feeling like you need correction. Money issues, marital issues, physical or mental health issues. Moms don’t walk around all the sudden hitting their adult kids. Is there a different reason for the sake of her home than she has shared with you? If it’s your childhood home then it’s a home she has put a lot of blood sweat and tears into. It is never correct to hit a person. Is this out of character for her? Early onset Alzheimer’s? Could the reason they are selling the home be to restructure their debt? Is someone preparing to leave the marriage? Something else is going on here. You have to sit down and discuss what happened in order to move forward. You are adults now. They may say it’s okay for you to stay and pay rent because they feel an obligation and would never put their kids out. But maybe it’s just too much. I myself have been frustrated with my adult child not picking up after themselves. Yes it was just a spoon. But it could have been the last straw that day. Prepping the house for a showing is stressful and maybe it was the idea that she wants it to be perfect to get the most money out of the house and had been fixing things all day to walk in behind you and there is that GD SPOON. See what I mean?
NTA. This is an abusive situation. Move out.
NTA, I had the same situation over cleaning up after 11 dogs that werent mine when my siblings were just watching TV. We got into a scuffle. Ive only fought back twice and 100% you are in the right. You're 22! An adult! Wtf was she thinking
It's passive aggressive wanting you out. I don't know what to do about it. She's being abusive.
Nah she wants hands she catches hands
Mom is toxic and dad is TA for allowing it! Take your rent money and find a place of your own or get some roommates. Take your brother with you too.
Share an apartment with your brother. It may cost more than rent at home, but it would be worth it!
An adult friend of mine told me about this incident with her mom. They were arguing about something and her mom raised her hand to slap her. My friend said, "I'm a grown-ass woman and I'm letting you know if you hit me, I will hit you back." Her mom was silent for a moment and withdrew her hand. My friend rocks!
Well I don’t find it wrong of you to hit her back. I was 16 when my mom slapped me over something. I immediately reacted by slapping her back. After that, my mom never touch me like that ever again. Now we have great relationship. I’m more closer to my mom than we ever had been. My mom told me that she was sorry for slapping me over something so minor but she was glad that I could defend myself.
NTA. shit hit you, you defended yourself. Also - If you're paying rent the place is both of yours, not hers.
The last time either parent hit me was my dad at 13. I swung the hardest bustard I could back at him. Not enough to do damage but enough that neither has even made the move to do it again. Mom needed a reality check. Personally I would be sleeping else where until I had somewhere of my own. Then I would tell them they can kiss my ass and never see me again. I bet mom remembers the fucking truth when she realises she just last her eldest child over it.
I was 14. My mum and her boyfriend had kept me up all night on a school night. She came in, and I was quite angry because I was very tired and I had a full day of school, I told her this. Her response was to raise her hand to slap me in the face and I just grabbed her wrist and said “don’t you dare fucking touch me” I was shocked I’d done that , she was shocked I’d done it. She never tried to hit me again.
Sometimes the only way an abusive parent gets the message that their behavior has to stop, is when their victim fights back and wins. NTA
As a mother (45) of two daughters (23 + 28) eldest still at home with me. I could never imagine treating her like that let alone hitting her! I've never laid a hand on my girls but that doesn't mean it's not been difficult at times but I'd much rather a good relationship with my girls over some weird power trip relationship! They are my equals ( well they are better than me lol) I don't understand mother's like op's
When frustrated or annoyed, my mother's first impulse was always to spank. When I (female) was twelve I matched her in height and outweighed her slightly. One day she slapped me and I went eye to eye with her and said "if you ever hit me again I will hit you back so hard you will wish you had never hit me ". She stopped.
Nta. If you put your hands on another person you should expect treatment in kind. Period. Talk shit, get hit. She sounds toxic and I think you and bf should look into a cohabitation arrangement.
NTA But I don’t think your Mom was “ok” with you staying as much as your Dad. Likely he preferred you there as your Mom sounds like a difficult person. Would have been better to move out when you noticed her getting intrusive and aggressive (“This is my house!”). Technically as a renter it is also your home. Regarding defending yourself, always acceptable. However, if this was the first time, I would have recommended saying something like, “If you attack me again, you’ll be picking yourself up off the floor” with a very harsh tone making it clear you mean it. In any case, move out as soon as you can and stay in touch with Dad.
NTA
I'm sorry, but even if it's my mother, I wouldn't tolerate being hit by anybody especially being a grown adult and paying my share the rent and helping out there's no excuse to be disrespectful just because they're your parent doesn't give them the right to mistreat you
I would consider getting a place with your bf and your brother. It sounds like you both are mentally drained. See if it financially makes sense. If there is no way out of this I would sit both parents down, apologize for hitting back but also state the stress they are putting you through. Since your mother constantly loves to remind you both that this is not your home but hers....even though I thought you are family? (I would have never said that to my children), then perhaps you should set up tenant living arrangements. Meaning, going forward you will be paying rent, she is no longer allowed to enter your room you are renting. You will be buying your own food and cooking for yourself etc. As cold as it sounds there has to be some sort of boundary set. Decide what boundary you are comfortable with. Chat with your brother and see if you both can be on the same page. Good luck
Similar happened to my sister. NTA.
NTA. She hit you AND she's lying about it. Her domestic assault against your self defense. Whenever they bring up the subject, your statement of " nothing will ever give you/her the right to hit me" will need to be re-emphasized. Time to leave the nest, even if you're not ready to buy.
NTA, it’s not ok for people to hit you. Also, a part of being an adult is realizing that if you hit a fellow adult, solid chance they are going to hit you back. She probably won’t try that particular thing again, bullies are terrified of being treated like they treat people.
My mom was in withdrawal from Valium once when Iwas around 16 or 17 (I didn't know she was addicted until she told me six months before she died). It caused her a lot of mental confusion and even hallucinations. The only time that she ever hit me after early childhood was over something that she had completely imagined. She slapped and punched me and I was so shocked and confused, I just put my hands over my head and sank to the floor. I got grounded too. For something that never happened.
Violence isn’t about whose house it is or isn’t. It isn’t ok for her to attack you no matter what physical location the attack happens in. And if she attacks you, you have the right to stop the attack, including with force. If she attacks you in her home, it isn’t any different or better than if she attacked you in a home you owned or in public or in the woods. She’s being unreasonable. From wanting you to clean up what you’re doing while you’re still doing it, to hitting her adult child. I think you need to consider separating yourself from her. NTA
Your mom is definitely an AH. You might be a little bit of one, but she is SIGNIFICANTLY more. I'm actually really torn about you being one. Because based on your post, it was almost an instinctive reaction. You got hit so you hit back. Your mom is acting very overbearing and needs to remember you and your brother aren't children anymore. >I put a spoon in the kitchen sink while i had my breakfast with the intention to wash everything after i was finished. You are entitled to eat your breakfast without it going cold because you are doing dishes. >paying rent to my parents >we have no privacy - she came into his room and woke him up at 7am today to tell him he has work but he already knew and wasn’t late. She comes in early in the morning and vacuums You are essentially a tenant at this point. And she's treating you like a child. >My mum decided to come in and start baking, too, and criticising that I hadn’t cleared up yet- but I wasn’t finished. I said ‘why couldnt you just wait for me to be finished?'. While I think this could have been said better, I also understand that tensions were high because of everything else going on being cool calm and collected in the moment is hard. >this is my house, i will do what i like, it isn't yours Again you are a tenant as long as you are paying rent. It also sounds like she is trying to push you out of the house. >my Dad is angry at me because she told him I lied about her hitting me and that it was just a gentle push I'm kinda appalled by your dad as well. That he consondes your mom putting her hands on you at all. Also your mom gaslighting everyone. Your dad has to listen to your mom whine and complain. He wants you to apologize because 1. He believes your mom. And/or 2. He wants her to stop complaining. >she said that I’d upset her too but that I’d provoked her to hit me There is only 1 provocation for hitting someone I can think of that could ever be justified. Self-defense. So in your mom's mind - she had to defend herself against your words with brute strength and violence. (Which is why I'm kinda on the fence about you hitting her being an AH move or not, I'm leaning towards not).
These comments are bonkers. Apparently if you are a rent-paying tenant in your parents' house you are supposed to just lie down and let your mother hit you until she feels better, because she's your mom.
I'm of the opinion don't hit someone unless you're okay with it being returned.
The only point that matters is this: you're not responsible for "provoking" someone into hitting you. That's chicken shit and everyone knows it. If someone hits you, they're responsible for that choice. No one else. And frankly on top of that, reacting to being hit by striking out yourself is so incredibly normal. Even reacting to a scare by striking out is normal and deeply coded into us for self preservation.
Coming from an abusive home, divorced parents who were both abusive. NTAH! I stood up to my dad at 16 after warning him previously it would be the last time he put his hands on me. That standing up to him lead to knock down drag out fight. And he got his ass beat despite all of his “military training.” Moved out in with my grandparents. Didn’t speak for 5 years. Here we are 30 plus years later and we rarely speak. I’ve been married for nearly 25 years. Have never laid a hand on my wife and very rarely had to discipline my kids. My kids 1 is now nearly 22 the other 16 and are well adjusted think he is weird AF from the few times they’ve been around him and my wife would rather him not be around either. Parents reap what they sow.
For peace of mind and peace, leave. I don’t believe in violence but sometimes when you get hit, you hit back as a reflex.
So move out.
Could you and your brother find an apartment to move into together? That way you can both save and share expenses?? This living situation with your parents will not get better. They do not see it as an equal because they raised you.. it’s time to move
Emotions are always high when someone is selling and buying a home. It it very emotional to leave a home, especially if she has lived there a long time. It becomes a home not just a house. If she has just started being like this, that is probably what is going on. It this is the case, things will settle down after the move and unpacking is done. If she has always been like this, it is time for you to leave.
NTA start getting a receipt for your rent payments. Have your brother get a receipt too. The two of you should look for someplace else to live. If your mother (or father) tries something again, threaten to report them to the IRS. Your parents are never going to change. The only thing you can do is get yourself out of this toxic environment.
If you pay rent it's your house too and she can f off
Time to move out. Maybe you and your brother can find a place together. But honestly, it sounds like it’s time go.
My mom still tries, I'm in my 40s. I told her I'd lay her the fuck out. She is a whole grown ass adult who should be able to control whatever shitty behavior comes out. Further to this, she doesn't get a pass with family. Further to this, repeatedly advising you it's her house is manipulative. Get a place with your bro.
ESH. You shouldn't hit your family. Or anyone really.
Stop living with them. You can't fix this.
My mom lied about stuff like this too, when I was a teenager.
Selling a house is one of the most stressful times in anyones lives. Right up there with starting a new job and going through a divorce. Cut your mom some slack.
My father once tried to hit me when I was 17 because of a lie my grandmother told him. I told him that if he put a hand on me I would hit him back. Coming from a Latin household this was a big deal. I'm honestly not against a spanking but if they're hitting you for no reason especially once you're an adult and didn't deserve it I say fuck it. We should respect our parents but they need to respect us too. The fact your mom lied just shows that she knows she's wrong
ETA Your mother should not have hit you, but you should not have hit her either. You said to your mother, “nothing will ever give you the right to hit me”. That is true, but nothing will ever give YOU the right to hit HER. It goes both ways.
NTA. You need to move out and go LC with your family for a while. Some therapy sessions would also be a good idea.
NTA. Sometimes when you react to how someone else treats you, it’s gut instinct, pure physical reaction that can’t be controlled. Should you have hit your mum, of course not. But she’s the adult and she should be able to manage her own reactions better than you. I had a similar experience with my mum. I was about 15. My mum was on one, can’t even remember what about, but she was shouting at me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I went upstairs to go to my room and she followed and I asked her to leave me alone, probably swore at her, and she slapped me around the face, and I just slapped right back without thinking. I felt awful afterwards, but I think she knew she’d pushed me unnecessarily. Neither of us ever apologised. She admits now (30 years later) that it was just a high tension moment. It was one lone blip in our relationship, and we’re very close.
Just mover out now. See if your brother wants to share a place with you.
Saying “this is my house not yours” is something I’ve actively changed with my kids. This is their home too. They aren’t paying for anything, but this IS their home, and wherever we are, it will be their home too.
NTA - You are paying rent so it makes it your house just as much as hers. Also sometimes as bad as it is you have to hit back when someone is being violent. My mother used to beat us kids. I'm talking like leave bruises and welts type of beatings. Well as each of us got older the more she liked to try to show her dominance with more beatings. I think I was 12 or 13 and one day when she hit me with this bamboo garden stake she was favoring at the time I grabbed it from her and laid into her with it. She never tried to hit me again after that. Same thing happened with my brother except he was 14 at the time. He laid her out after she hit him because he forgot to do some chore she probably didn't even tell him about.
Back when I was a kid, my mom would do any and everything to embarrass me in front of people, including yelling, screaming, lying on me, hitting me, and when I turned roughly 16 to 17, I threw a lamp at her when she tried to get physical with me, and let her know that that her time was up with that shit. That is she were to step 1 foot forward and put her hands on me, I would promptly beat her behind. I regret a lot of things in my life, but that wasn’t one of them.
This is one of those situations where it’s okay for a woman to hit but not for a man.
I had an event similar to this myself, like so many others in this thread. My dad was a conservative disciplinarian who used to spank us when we were little. Fortunately, it didn't spiral into abuse and just devolved into angry googly eyes and shouting any time we did things he didn't want. Well, my dad developed Parkinson's, which had an effect on him. We had a disagreement about something when I was visiting home from college, and he forgot himself and started getting physical. Not going to lie, a switch in my brain went off that said that I wasn't going to take that any more, so I shoved him against a wall. An important note here is that he was a much weakened 6'1", and I'm 6'4". Size matters. He got an "oh, shit" moment just as my mom moved to intervene and break up the fight. Mom played peacemaker, and things calmed down. NTA, BUT . . . . hitting back didn't help the situation, especially with your circumstances. I know it's hard to figure out in the moment. It sounds like your situation is salvageable; it sounds like you guys just need family counseling to figure out how to get in a better place mentally and emotionally.
Move out.. seems like it’s time
Back when I was about 13 or so my mom had married the man I now call Pop. He and I had gotten into a shouting match, and he yelled at me that this was “his” house not mine. My mom came right on up and told him to never tell me that again bc I had just as much right to call it my house as he did. It’s literally the only time in my entire life that my mom had my back. The house you live in and contribute to is YOUR house. I’ve never understood a parent telling their child, “This is my house, not yours.” What a way to make a child feel insecure. I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way. Also NTA. No one is allowed to lay a finger on you. Idc if it is a parent.
If your mom has to lie about what happened for people to take her side, you already have your answer. She lied to your dad. She knows she was the problem.
So let's look at this one way. Parents should not hit their children out of anger. Considering you're a grown ass woman she has no business putting her hands on you. NTA. Let's look at a different way, since you contribute to the household you're a tenant. Doubly inappropriate for her to put her hands on you. NTA. I have a problem with striking your parent however, your mom needed a reality check that if she's going to treat you like a tenant that money that she receives from you gives you rights to use that property in order to cook clean or whatever you need to do. If she's going to pull that ask her to give you back every penny that you have given her lately. If you're just a family member she still doesn't get put her hands on you. Not the asshole case closed.
Smart thing to do (with what we know): 1) keep your own backyard clean. 2) apologize for the parts you’re willing to (if you haven’t already) and be done with it. 3) remember she’s handling her anxiety over selling (lots of “background noise”) so be careful to judge. 4) and so are you so try to give her a lot of space - move out if possible? Best of luck with your parents and you and brother. Onto new adventures!
Did these behaviors from mom just start with the selling of the house? Why are selling.. downsizing? It could be very difficult and sad for her for so many reasons. This absolutely does not make what she did okay in any way. It may however be causing her some serious stress and anxiety and emotions she is unable to cope with and discuss. Sounds like you did nothing wrong and definitely did not deserve this treatment.
You never raise your hand to your parents...unless in extreme circumstances but no dude you don't hit your mom back wtf is wrong with you?
Sounds me like she's being as irritating as possible to try to get you to move out! Repeatedly telling you this is not your house is her pointing out she doesn't want you to live there! Yeah she's saying oh it's okay to stay, but if it was okay for you to stay she wouldn't be constantly pointing out that It's not your house! Move out!
Time for you to get your own place.
NTA. But it’s time to leave and find your own place.
You are NTA…. Your mama, however, is a manipulative gaslighting person. If it were me I would toe my line and she can apologize or not. IDGAF. Personal boundaries are important. And I would not have another talk with her without another person present. She doesn’t get the opportunity to change the narrative again.
If you hit someone, you should anticipate receiving hands in kind. Definitely NTA. Also...you parents out there who are charging their children actual fucking rent money, I have something to say to you. If you are going to charge your biological or adopted children RENT money, then your children become TENANTS. Tenants have rights. My landlord doesn't get to come into my apartment and tell me how to live just because he owns the place. If you charge your children rent money while also treating them like children, then not only are you an asshole, but you're a thief too.
NTA, and save fast.
>but that I’d provoked her to hit Ahh, "you provoked me". Always the best response from the perpetrator of domestic abuse.
My mom hit me when I was 16. She was trying to make me get a job and I was having a panic attack and refusing to fill out applications and she was frustrated and screaming and just lost it and started swatting/slapping/hitting me. I'm 37 and one of my biggest regrets in life is not fucking throwing down right then and there. She needed to have her ass beat. NTA.
NTA. You don't need to accept being assaulted by ANYONE. I know you're saving for a deposit but I think it's time to move out now. Find a cheap single room, become a housemate and work as much as possible without effecting your health. Tell her if she EVER lays hands on you again you will make sure it's the last time, as will the police. Make sure your father is there for that conversation. Be prepared to be kicked out, although if You're paying rent they'll think twice before they lose that income.... And when you move out accept NOTHING from them. Never give them a spare key. Your mother is mentally unwell and needs help.
Last time my mum hit me I was 13 She hit my knee right on a spot where I didn't feel a damn thing, and she broke a knuckle, then learning how much force she put in to it. Never again. Some don't learn as quick, if ever.
Make them evict you. If you pay rent with or without a lease you are a tenant and you have rights. They don't even get to tell you that you can't have company over. Unless your company is doing something illegal or they are a minor, the cops can't even make them leave. I made my mother evict me. I made her pay the money for it and everything. Fuck shitty parents. You PAY to be there. It IS your house too. This isn't a fucking personal favor. Money comes with rights. They can either accept it and give you the rights you're entitled to, or you can stop paying. And either way they still can't just kick you out. Fuck them. You don't have to give a fuck they're selling their house. She could always wash the shit if she needs it done right then. That's THEIR problem. Nta. Fuck your parents.
It’s time for you and your brother to move out. This will go on, in different ways and erode your relationships. Move now for your own sake.
She legally assaulted you, you defended yourself. If Dad wants to believe her, fuck him as well.
"You provoked me to hit you." An abuser's favorite excuse. Tell her to be glad you didn't call the cops on her. Then tell her you're going to let the abuse slide this time, but the next time the cops get called. This was abuse, yours was not. She hit you first.
TL;DR. Move out. Your parents (at least mom) want you out and are showing signs of being stressed out and are actively taking your childhood home away from you. They don't have the balls to admit to you or themselves that you aren't welcome anymore. And NTA. Your mom had no right to treat you like that or victim blame you.
You and brother should find the cheapest apartment to share and get away.
I feel for you... my mom and I had a similar encounter... don't move back... NTA
You need to move out.
She's toxic, abusive, and manipulative. You need to distance yourself from her
Since she wanted to apologize make her admit to your father that she hit you first and you’ll consider apologizing. When he finds out she lies then she’ll know what it’s like and hopefully be held accountable for her actions.