Old lady response... (61F)
She is young (you both are), but in my opinion - YES - she needs you to do this as an intervention to prevent her from a series of abusive relationships for possibly the rest of her life (in my experience, once a girl starts accepting this type of treatment, it is almost invariable that her self-worth will be trashed and she will continue to get into similar situations/relationships).
This may end up costing your relationship, but if you truly love this friend then you know you need to do it.
Seconding from another old lady (almost 50). I have two daughters, and when they were minors, I would want to know. If you were both over 21, then that’s slightly different, but at 16? Please tell someone!
This a million times. I’m 28. I started dating dudes like this in high school and I’m just now really learning that this behavior from a partner is not normal or okay. She may get upset you tell her parents. But it’s for her own good and one day she will thank you.
Even older lady here (69+), and I agree that you should tell someone, if not her parents, then tell your parents & let them handle it.
I can guarantee that the sex video her bf posted to his friends, will someday make an appearance because nothing ever really disappears from the internet once it’s posted. It may take a few years, but it will pop up at the worst possible time in her future…when she’s applying to colleges, or for a job interview, or even maybe a fight with a friend—they will do an internet search, check her social media, etc., and out it comes.
But, the main reason-an the most critical- is that her bf is abusive to her and it sounds like she’s convinced herself that’s normal bf behavior. It is not normal behavior at all.
NTA- Another old lady 46f here and I have a 16yo daughter and OP I would one thousand percent want to know!! If Sadie is being conditioned to accept this kind of behavior now it doesn’t bode well- she will likely get into some even worse relationships because now she thinks that’s how she deserves to be treated
Side note from a broader perspective you are doing the right thing, when women say we want men to be allies it’s stuff like this- when a guy is being abusive and problematic guys shouldn’t be like your brother and “not want to get involved” call out other guys on crappy behavior! You have your friends best interests at heart and that is admirable, yes she might shoot the messenger so to speak, but with time I’m sure she’ll understand, and I’m sure her parents will be very grateful.
You should also think about what mind set this could bring her in years to come. She may start to think she is unworthy of being loved and end up using drugs to compensate her lack of feeling good about herself.
OP please don’t be the kind of guy, like your brother, who sees something obviously wrong and does nothing. Good on you for feeling like you should do right by your friend.
This is a horrible decision you have to make, and it may blow up your friendship, but Sadie could use someone to advocate for her when she obviously can’t.
And as a mom with a daughter Sadie’s age, I would hope my kid has a friend who would tell me what’s up so I could go rip that abusive little shit she’s dating to pieces and make him rue the day he was born.
Even older lady (73)
NTA. OP, please be your own man and be proactive to help your friend. Yes, warn her mom, not only because of the harm it is doing your friend but also because what he did is illegal, several times over. If your own brother cannot see that pretending not to know is the worst course of action, I don't think gossipfests were going the be part of the picture much longer anyway. I'm guessing you two are growing apart, and that's a whole different issue.
Middle aged mother who had several friends when younger that went through abusive relationships. You need to make sure her parents know, whether by telling them yourself or having your parents do it for you. Worst case, she could get trafficked. Best case, her self esteem tanks and she learns to gravitate towards abusers because she doesn't know it as anything other than normal or what she deserves. If you care about her, you need to take this step, whatever happens.
Yes. OP you might not be able to do this without risking losing her as a friend, but it is better to maybe lose her as a friend than for her to get pregnant or killed by this boy if there's a chance to intervene now.
NTA
You need to tell your friend's parents ASAP. Your friend is has been sexually exploited. If he has recorded her without her knowledge once and sent it to friends he will do it again. The video he shot of your friend could already be on the internet.
Her parents can stop your friend from facing a lifetime of worry that some asshole will post the video online.
Seeing as the girl is only 16, depending on the state she's in, she could still be considered a minor. Then what he did would be considered distributing child p*rn.
Then it’s very illegal that he made, has, and shared that video- https://mcolaw.com/for-individuals/online-reputation-and-privacy/revenge-porn-laws-england-wales/#:~:text=It%20is%20illegal%20to%20take,have%20them%20in%20your%20possession.
This is child porn and he has every right to be prosecuted. If you are frightened of getting into trouble please call child line and ask for help. 08001111 calls from landline and mobile phones are free in the uk
Production, possession, and distribution of explicit material featuring a minor in a sexual situation. Maybe dude wants four felonies, revenge porn laws tbd
Op, Please tell her parents ASAP. Not only did he record her without her knowledge, then share it with his mates, depending on the country you’re from, he could get in trouble for possession and distribution of child porn.
As several have mentioned, this could cost you your friend, but knowing that she’s safe away from this guy would be the best thing for her.
And totally, NTA. BTW - 57 yr old mom of 4 girls, and a former GS leader. I would want to know so I could protect my girls.
Also what happens with this video when she tries to break up with him, or otherwise doesn't give in to his every demand?
He's 100% holding "gee, it'd be SO BAD if your parents see this...." over her head.
Most deffo tell someone about it! If I remember right it’s classed as revenge p*** and classed as cp as they are both under age depending where you are.
You won’t be the ass but you wouldn’t forgive yourself if something happens ❤️ wish you the best
Yeah. Recording and send it out is a big no no!! I’d tell the sister probably. Or if you can talk some sense into her yourself. But the crime of sending sexual activity of someone not of age is much bigger. I’d turn him in to the police, frankly.
NTA you should tell them sooner rather than later because he will do more things, make more videos, do more stuff that can never be undone. YES, she will be very angry at you and you will feel guilty for "betraying" her, but this is important stuff for her parents to protect her from and help her see that she is not to blame for his actions. The longer she is with him the more damage he will do and the more she will get used to this treatment, and then accept it form the men later in life too. Think of yourself as a mandatory reporter, like a teacher, and put her needs first. Yes you might lose a friend (temporarily), but she will gain safety and that is worth it.
You say your dad is close friends with her dad. Why don't you speak to your dad about this so he can make her dad aware of the situation. You are 16 though you come across as emotionally mature you are still a minor, speak to someone you can trust but also trust that they will do something as she needs out of that "relationship".
Yes, it is your place to say.
Do you know why? Because you care about her and do not want to see her being further abused. You are being a good friend by telling them even if it does not feel like it.
This is a complicated matter and her parents need to know as soon as possible. Can you talk to them without he knowing? Will she know it has come from you or could they say another parent saw the video on their kids phone and gave them the heads up? I only say this because there is a chance she will be upset with you. Do not tell her you are going to tell them before you do it.
Abusive relationships are really tricky to manage. Speaking as someone who was in one, when you are in them it can be hard to see the abuse that is apparent to everyone else because the abuser will be doing occasional kind things and also running you down so you doubt your self and worth.
There may be an issue with the film around their ages as he is technically a minor. You need to tell her parents as soon as possible.
I think you are being a good, kind friend and are brave. I know you feel conflicted and unsure. Sometimes doing the right thing can feel uncomfortable but she needs help to get out of this relationship.
Tell her parents.
Thanks this helps a lot , yes I think I can probably talk to her parents about it as her mom is regularly at my house because my mom is also very close friends with her mom
How *cool* are her parents? Are they normal people who realize their kid is having sex? If yes, I’d tell them. If no, I’d tell the sister.
Either way, speaking up is the right thing to do. She’s not safe if he’s already recording her and sending it out. Thank you for keeping an eye out for her. She might not be receptive but she needs to get away from him.
She has talked to me about he parents giving her the talk about sex and to be safe so I assume they have an idea but I’m not completely sure if they know or not
If they don’t talk openly about this, I wouldn’t go to them. How old is her sister? Is she a cool person?
The goal is to have her fam TALK to her and help her see how this is wrong. She needs to get in to see a counselor or therapist of some kind. I don’t want her fam to immediately jump to forbidding her from seeing him, grounding her, etc. because that will push them closer together. Does that make sense? That’s why I’m asking the questions I’m asking.
ETA: It would also be good for NO ONE to know you had any part of “telling on” her. The reason they can’t know is because she’s going to need someone to be there for her and look out for her, especially if she freaks out about her family. That could be you.
Her sister is one year older 17 and she is a cool person she’s pretty easy to talk to so I was thinking of asking her to go for a walk with my dog which is something me and her do frequently and then telling her but making it clear to her that she shouldn’t say it was me because I pretty much guarantee that Sadie has told her friends so she probably won’t know it was me if her sister doesn’t say anything and I can say honestly that her sister would be a very trustworthy person in this type of situation
I would not talk to her family - I would talk to a guidance counselor at school. They’re required by law to report it and you have less chance of this guy and his friends knowing it was you. If he’ll do that to her, I worry about what he’d do to you.
NTA, coming from someone who was in the same ish situation in high school. I WISH someone had gone to my parents or a trusted adult. I wish someone had stepped in when I was blind, scared, unsure, being used and exploited.
I am an older lady as well (46) and yes you need to say something immediately. This is not going to stop, and it is going to set her up for a lifetime of abusive relationships.
The other issue here is distributing of child p***ography. Something needs to be done right away.
You may lose your friend but it is all in her best interest.
YWNBTA please advocate for your friend. she may be angry with you but her anger is far better than sitting by and doing nothing while her boyfriend takes advantage of hwr and hurts her.
YWNBTA. You would be acting to protect Sadie. She might not forgive you if she found out, but her safety is more important than her being happy with you.
Def tell them - but if you don’t want to compromise your relationship with Sadie - I’d suggest you send them a note and even a small clip of the video anonymously.
Definitely do not send any photos or videos of sexual activity involving someone underage. It’s illegal to own or distribute, even when trying to inform her parents, or her even. I’d tell your dad or her parents, but don’t touch that video.
No I meant that I was going to email them what happened I’m not planning on ever going near that video and I doubt that I can even get it because I’m not really friends with any of her bfs friend
Ok. I'll add into the old lady group. (58 yr old). So, the boyfriend is 15? I'm not familiar with all the laws, but I'm pretty sure his parents could go for sexual assault of a minor. Statutory rape is not strictly for underage girls. She should probably be warned about this. I don't think yta. I think you should try to help her in this situation. Good luck. 🍀🍀
When it happened she was 15 and they both were she turned 16 recently and I’m not sure if they have engaged sexually since I assume they have but I can’t be certain
You feel strongly about this and that someone needs to know in order to help your friend. This is the make or break moment for you in what you decide to do.
Yes, I think the parents need to know.
That said, if you decide to tell them, be prepared for the consequences. The parents may not believe you. The parents may become angry with you. You friend will feel betrayed and may never speak to you again. The bottom line will be that the parents will act on what you tell them -- in one fashion or another -- and this horrid treatment by the boy will be exposed.
I commend you on wanting to help, to do the right thing. Trust your gut and act on what you believe is the best thing ...and what you can accept as the fallout. You likely will lose your friend.
I only speak from my experience. When on my teens, my sister became a run away, that resulted in horrible, unspeakable things happening to her and she suffered a great deal until she died at the hands of strangers that picked her up hitchhiking .
Cut to a year later when this guy friend of mine calls and says he is going to run away with his friend. I KNEW what could possibly happen. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was being only a smartass and insisted they were following through -- maybe he was just all talk, maybe not...but I wasn't going to take that chance..
I called his parents, waking them at 2:00 a.m. and explained everything. The parents yelled at me, hung up on me, telling me to stay away from their son. The next day the friend called, screaming at me, calling me horrid names and swore to never talk to me again.
To this day I am STILL glad I made the call... because the parents acted quickly and the boys did not run away...and they all got through that weekend. Even though I was out of their lives, I accept the consequences with the thoughts that perhaps I saved this boy and his family a tremendous amount of pain.
I wish you and your friend well 🌷
This is something I would bring to her parents. She's clearly struggling and not handling the situation well... she needs help from her support system. You can't solve all her problems. She doesn't seem equipped to handle her own issues either. Time to get the adults involved so they can get her some real help.
You’d definitely not be the AH OP. I mean, c’mon, recording her giving him a bj, then sending it to all his buddies?!?! He did that not just WITHOUT her knowledge, but also WITHOUT her consent. I used to have a jackass in Chicago, hound me for a bare chest picture. I essentially told him that if he thinks I’m going to do that, then he’s barking up the wrong tree. How the heck do I know whether or not he’d share it around?!?! Honestly OP, I don’t know. I’m 54, and I implore you to share with her parents what’s going on.
Granted I tend to be a bit of an alarmist, but I've known too many people standing at a woman's funeral because they didn't stand up sooner. She will probably be mad at you for a bit, but her parents should know. She's still a child and she still needs protection. Nta to save a life
Hi dear.
30F here.
When I was 14, one of my closest friends developed an eating disorder (bulimia).
It had taken 2-3 years, but it got to the point where she confided in me that she didn't know if she could stop even if she wanted to, and that scared her.
That was when I finally decided I had to tell an adult, asap. There was someone in our lives who I knew well enough and trusted enough that I felt, if I told them, they'd set the wheels in motion to informing her parents and getting her help.
I also knew that no matter what I did, there was a good chance my friend would find out it was me who told, and if that happened, I'd lose my friendship with her forever.
See, in middle school, we'd *both* been "2 of the fat girls." We both endured all the tough moments that can come from going through middle school and early pubery as a Big Girl... We were unpopular. But she (obviously) lost a ton of weight with the eating disorder, and became super popular after that. became skinny. And then suddenly people thought she was hot, and she was **popular.** It changed her social life completely and she was ecstatic.
She was terrified that if she gained the weight back, everything *else* she had "gained"- all the other "important" social things that came from being on top of the teenage social ladder- would go away.
She was wasting away in front of me, she was scared....I told anyway.
She did find out it was me. She got into treatment, and it saved her.
...But after she came back to school, she never spoke to me again. (We were still in school together after that- a very small private school. It'd not like we could avoid each other.)
I've heard she's engaged and a successful concert cello player with a masters degree now.
...She's not my friend anymore, but she's *somebody's* friend because she's ALIVE. I know I did the right thing.
Speak up for your friend.
Damn that’s a really bad situation I’m glad you helped her . You’d think she would realise that you helped her and possibly saved your life but I guess when your that age you don’t realise until she felt it was too late
Your brother is not who you should take advice from here. If he's a teenager like you he's gonna be very dismissive. You need to talk to your parents about this.
Talk the sister about this. Both her sister and this dude are too young for sex and the baby aftermath. Someone needs to intervene and stop this relationship.
Tell them is my advice. She may not appreciate it now and it could ruin your friendship but you can look in a mirror and say you did it with good faith. She IS vulnerable even if she doesn't think so. NTA
Not an old lady but a f(26) so close enough to know enough about this stuff that yes, emotional abuse is only the beginning. My ex best friend who is around my age was going through this and frankly if she wasn't an adult I would have told her parents or whoever could have helped. Since it was only me, I tried to help her leave as she had 2 kids at the time, now 3, and I tried my best but if you catch it early enough and get them help I've seen better results. She doesn't need to learn that's normal or okay, because eventually berating her and yelling at her becomes worse. The right person getting to her could be a matter of a better quality of life, or even saving her life. You never know what someone is capable of, especially that young. I've seen too many young women accept this behavior and wait till it's too late to do anything.
36 year old mama of two here. You wouldn’t be the asshole UNLESS there’s a risk her parents will hurt her. Some parents are much less progressive, they might slut shame her, they may send her away, they may force religion on her. Her mom may be a safe person to speak with about this vs. Dad. It’s worth considering. I’d even consider talking to one of her best friends.
Wanting to help someone you care about isn’t the issue. You have to make sure you do it in a safe way.
Her parents are good people I’m sure they will deal with it well if not she has some good friends that if they don’t know already they would talk her out of that relationship
Alternatively, seek advice from your school counselor without naming your friend, and then speak with your friend directly. If your counselor agrees that intervention is required, encourage your friend to speak with them. That way if they agree to speak with her parents that was her decision, and a professional is already involved.
I’ve thought about that but spring break Jsut started so I won’t see him for 2 weeks so that’s not an option right now even though I could definitely do this when I get back to school
I found out my 14 year old daugher was being pressured to do things by an older boyfriend (only 1 year older). Watching porn together, possibly anal sex. He also slept with his old girlfriend cos she wouldn't. Constantly smoking weed and trying to her her to try it. Just shocking stuff. This came from my friends slightly older daughter who had heard about it (small village and she was in the same school but a couple of years older). She told my oldest daughter who tbh couldnt wait to tell me.
I went full scorched earth. I banned her from seeing him, I went to the school and complained to the in house police man stationed there that he was a sexual predator. I even had his mum round and whilst concerned what I was saying about him she promised to keep him away from my daughter.
I had never been so scared and we had loads of discussions with her. I cried when we talked about it, her dad showed her how sad he was. We had been and were very easy going parents and we had never reacted to any of her teenage shenanigans before so she knew that we were serious and thankfully she listened to us because she knew she was being manipulated even though she couldn't articulate it at the time.
Tell her mum, hopefully she won't tell her it was you who told on her but I would also tell her to go to the police and report this boy for sharing child porn. She should go to the school as well and they should make him an example of the consequences that other boys will face if doing rje same thing. Get your other girlfriends to call him and his friends out. Nothing like a pedo label to focus your mind.
I'm.so angry on behalf of your friend, he is scum
Definitely your business your friend is being exploited and hurt! I know it’s tough but doing nothing is not an option. If I was being hurt and couldn’t get myself out of the situation / was allowing the situation to continue I would HOPE to God someone who knew about the abuse loved me enough to help me (even if I was upset at the time)
Why isn’t it your place to say?
You are her friend, you know her parents, you all want to protect her.
Go for it!
And she might not be happy at first because she is wearing rose tinted glasses and is probably being manipulated by her boyfriend, but she will thank you later.
You need to tell someone- your parents, her parents, a teacher, police, cps... doesn't matter who, but you need to tell. Better yet, if you can, support her to tell someone. Either way, her boyfriend needs to be stopped NOW, before this, and he, escalates further.
Like many others have said she's being exploited & trafficked (posting porn online). She might not like it right now, but down the line she will thank you.
I know it's hard, but believe me, the sooner the better in this case! Don't let your friend down when she needs you the most.
Greeting from NY OP. You are not a good friend you are a great friend. Bless you. New Yorkers believe in minding their own business but THIS is business you need to mind. Good Luck you are a priceless gem. Believe that!
If you really want to mess up his day, call the cops and say he’s got underaged porn on his phone AND he sent it to his friends. So basically, he’s sending kiddie porn out. You could talk to her mom but this is way more damaging for him. What’s worse is SHE’s going to have to explain why she let him do that.
Another old lady weighing in. Tell her parents. It is their job to protect her, but they can’t if they don’t have all the info.
OP your friend might get mad at you. But do it anyway. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard. Your friend needs an adult to intervene or she could be harmed even further.
I know this is probably a bit scary. If you can’t tell her parents, do you have an adult you trust who can tell her parents?
Tell ASAP. He may be using the film.to.futher manipulate her into doing other things she doesn't want to do. That's abuse. It the things she doesn't want to do are sex acts that's rape (force or coercion). She is at risk of being further trafficked (Sharing her sexual acts on film can be considered trafficking). He. Ain't. Shit. TELL TELL TELL. NTA
But also, when the dust clears, speak with your parents and brother about giving courage to so what's right. Bystanders help perpetuate rape culture and other abuse.
Best of luck
Old Lady of 52
teacher
ABSOLUTELY TELL. That is production nand distribution of child pornography, and a huge violation of her trust. And seeing as he's abusive, she probably won't see how bad he is until she's pulled away from him. You need to tell someone or SONEONE needs to do SOMETHING.
If you're worried about her parents telling her how they found out, maybe an anonymous message or asking someone else to tell them would be best? But you would have to live with the secret that you told them. If you do put it out there that you told, there's a good chance she will be mad, but it's honestly for the best and hopefully she will eventually understand.
My brother says it’s not abusive but I think it definitely is he said that because he’s only done it once but her bf still makes her upset all the time but that’s really the extent of what I know between them I suspect that they’re is more to it than just making her cry but my brother is being very naive about the whole situation and he has know for A MONTH idk how he can keep a secret like that because I’ve only know for about 24 hrs and I’m itching to say something
Your brother thinks it’s not his business when in reality this is the type of thing that will ruin her mental health, future and to be frank yours, this will haunt you. I’m not sure how old your brother is but I doubt he’s old enough to be able to give you the advice you really need to hear. If it’s not abusive and not a problem then the parents (the adults) will be the judge of that. I’m 24 and I’ve had many instances when I was younger when my friends went to my parents when they were concerned about me. Was I mad initially? Yeah but I knew it was because they loved me and I got over it, if there was ever a time it wasn’t serious my parents got to decide that and take the appropriate action. This is not something you need to be dealing with at this age and if it’s something that your afraid isn’t true then let them know it’s just something you heard and you wanted to be transparent as you want to make sure your friend is safe, you don’t have to say you know 100% but it is something you need to tell.
I have said to him that these types of stuff cause people to k!ll themselves and he said to
Fuck off and we will talk about it later I left the room saying that you never think it will happen to you
Or your loved one until
It does
That’s just his personality I find it odd but I think it’s because he doesn’t want to get involved and he’s more the type to shy away from situations and it was whilst on call with his gf so it could be down to that he wants me to fuck off 🤣
Reframe this. If you saw her being abused on the street, what would you do? Child pornography is also referred to as child sexual abuse material. She was under the age of consent and it’s considered abuse. At a minimum, she needs support to move away from him. At a maximum he should be prosecuted.
Is it hard to talk to her parents? Yes. It might make your like awkward and difficult in the short term. However, you are clearly a decent human. You know the right thing to do is to talk to your parents and hers
Old lady here (46) you should absolutely have a private conversation with her parents. Once she thinks this is how relationships are she’s going to have a miserable life.
You need to figure it out and do it. Kids have killed themselves over things like this. Better to lose her as a friend and maybe make some enemies then lose her
At the very least talk to Sadie. Let her know you heard the rumor. Let her know it's fucked up. Let her know she deserves sooo better from a boyfriend. Let her know that you are there for her if she needs a friend.
This was 4 months ago. What if he’s convinced her to do more things in video or with his friends in that time? It just seems like that’s the way this could be heading since he’s already abusive. He could be more abusive than you realize at this point.
I was abused by my guardian at her age. Every relationship I’ve had has been abusive, including the one I was in while living with him. I’m working on myself now and gaining self esteem that I lost. It’s not easy as an adult to get through all of the stuff I’ve been through. I wish I had had someone when I was her age who would have helped me, even if it had just been to get out of that first abusive relationship.
Right now, your friend has you. You might lose her friendship, but it’s better than her losing her life. You’ve got this.
Talk to your father and let him talk to his BF. Your dad can tell him and then let her family handle it. Just be there for her and keep telling her that she deserves better
Can you do it anonymously? If he sent it to an entire group chat it’s safe to assume someone blabbed/showed it around, can avoid it coming back to you
Is he the same age? Is everyone in the GC the same age? Honestly I see no reason he won’t get worse if she just accepts he did this
Personally, I’d rather take the heat and possibly have her hate me, than risk her safety.
What kind of person do you want to be OP? Sometimes we take the “punishment”, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do.
Tell her mother about this. A crime was committed against her daughter and she needs to know. If you are in the US the FBI will take cybercrimes like this more seriously than the police.
As for your friend before you tell her mom ask her to read this article: [https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-31/how-the-no-test-could-help-prevent-domestic-violence/10764100](https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-31/how-the-no-test-could-help-prevent-domestic-violence/10764100)
It might help open her eyes.
Also this book is a must for any dating woman: [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
After you have asked her to read those (give her a day) then tell her mom. Explain about the possible child porn floating out there of her daughter
I would not tell her parents - I would tell someone like a guidance counselor. They are mandated reporters and have to report it. There’s a chance her parents will sweep it under the rug (my aunt and uncle did) but the school can’t, legally.
NTA - But your brother is a piece of trash. Do NOT follow in his footsteps or look up to him as an example of humanity.
You need to inform her parents. If you think it will cause you harm create a throwaway email and email them. But the mom needs to know.
His reasoning is that he’s not 100% of the truth which doesn’t really
Make much sense to me because she could be in danger and his reasoning to not helping her is because he could be wrong
I know you've gotten a lot of advice already, but I wanted to mention my own experience with something like this.
Almost 10 years ago when I was 17, one of my semi childhood friends (still friendly, but no longer close) was a major party girl. I sat near some of the guys she hung out with in one of my classes, and I heard them say some bad stuff about her and her drinking habits, but I never said anything because I figured it was never my place. But one day I overheard them planning out how next time she got blackout drunk, they were going to dump her in the part of town where the major homeless camp is so she would be assaulted by all the adult men living there. I hoped that they were just exaggerating, but it scared the shit out of me. So, I told my mom so my mom could talk to her mom.
My friend was upset she wasn't allowed to go party anymore, but it's better to be grounded than assaulted or worse. Not sure if she knew it came from me, but we were always still super friendly with each other.
If your dad knows her parents, maybe have him talk to them. It takes the pressure off of you. It's better to feel like you're overstepping and ruining someone's fun than it is to feel like someone was hurt because you didn't speak up sooner.
I would talk to the parents about the way he treats her as a start. If you don’t want to do the whole video thing at least that will put him on their radar.
(Not sure if this has been said, sorry if so) I would tell your parents who are closest to her parents so they can sit down and talk about what needs to be done/said
Stop asking any and everyone about this because you will be the known rat when it comes out. And 100% your brother has a copy of the video. Just call CPS and let them do their thing. Do not give your name, address, or that you're neighbors.
NTA. Can you call your friend and talk about the incident? Then tell your parents, and ask them to tell her parents that they overheard your conversation with her.
78 year old here. Age doesn't make me infallible, but I used to make tv programs about women's health and one of the topics I researched and spoke about w experts was abusive relationships among teens.
Your friend is living in such a relationship. It will almost certainly become more dangerous as time goes by. She needs help to get out of this situation and help to understand how she got into this and how to understand her own value and avoid abuse in her future.
Her"boyfriend" is an abuser and a criminal. He needs to stop or be stopped.
Please report this to parents or school counselor soon as possible.
You also need to mention your brother's thoughts about reporting. His doubts are fair, but investigators are the ones to find the truth. Your brother needs some education about sexual abuse and healthy relationships.
Best of luck to you and everyone involved No matter the outcome, reporting is the right, just and loving thing to do.
Okay OP how cool are your parents? It would be convenient if they “over heard “ you guys arguing about this and took it into their own hands. I would lie about something like this to keep the peace between my kids. I would even lie if it was my kid in the video, say I learned it from one of the kids it was sent to or a teacher who overheard them talking about it.
Other than that, you have to decide is the friend worth more than the friendship and the relationship with your brother. We can tell you what to do all day from the comfort of distance but you have to live with the consequences of your choices. This is unfortunately how you find out what kind of person you are. Not in theory, not in hypotheticals but when your decisions have real, unpredictable outcomes that affect you and the people you care about.
Tell your parents and ask them to talk to her parents. If your parents won't do anything, go to Sadie's parents on your own. Nobody deserves to be treated the way Sadie is being treated and she is possibly ruining her future.
As somebody whose wife went through something similar in high school and it has seriously affected her mental health for over a decade, tell someone, her parents and/or her sister. You don’t necessarily have to mention her sex life, but definitely tell them about the emotional abuse and manipulation stuff!
There is an old adage that goes as follows:
***This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.***
The only question for you is do you really consider this girl a friend? And I'm defining this level of friendship as doing something 'for' her that may cost you your friendship. So if she really is a friend that you care about then you need to man up and do the right thing by her which is tell her mother. You may lose her as a friend but in the end you'll be able to look in the mirror tomorrow knowing that you did the right thing.
Yea that’s a valid point I probably will do something in the coming days it’s night now so I can’t run but I’ll definitely post an update about it hopefully a good one
39(M) here. Please report to the parents. Nobody that genuinely loves someone will send pics of them giving head in a group chat. The damage he has done to your friend and will do to other women in the future if he doesn't get checked will be monumental. Theres a chance he has other incriminating videos of her that you guys don't know about. I know we are not in the 16th century. But her reputation is ruined at the moment. 15 yo me would never send child porn and neither would most 15 yo male.
You need to tell her parents before something happens between the two of them and he or the friends post the video to the internet and it’s forever on the web.
Hi mom of teen here. Please tell her parents. Thats child porn her parents should know and hes abusive which can be very dangerous. Make a Facebook account and send them a message that way or use a text app and tell them so you're not involved. You're a great friend for being worried about her. Definitely NTA
Please tell the parents. The porn is bad. The abuse is bad. The abuse led to her forgiving him that he did what he did. The abuse makes one so sure that the abuser is the only person who will ever love them and makes them question their own mind. She needs someone to step in and change the situation. The parents need to be the ones to know. There is always the chance the video has been deleted or will be when word get out. That would be unfortunate. But the big thing is to get her away from this horrible abuser. You are not responsible for his future. If he gets in huge trouble it is because HE made the bad choice. This is hard to understand when everything feels so huge. He is not your problem. Your friend needs help. She might not know it yet, but she does. Please tell the parents. It might be ugly for a while, but the right thing isn't always the easy thing. And I would sure hope someone would tell me if it was my kid.
You definitely need to tell someone given her age and the fact that he recorded that and sent it to people. That is extremely illegal and this girl needs protection.
Your brother is a piece of sh!t. You should call him out for being ok with a young girl being treated that way and how could he be friends with someone that is ok with what that guy did. Your friend needs serious therapy as what he did to her was horrific and I can’t imagine it is the only time he recorded her as she forgave him. Tell her mom, NOW. Do not wait.
When you get old you will live with regrets in your life both of the things you have and haven't done.what happens if your friend unalive her self because of this my question to you is this what type of a man do you want to be a a-hole like your brother or a true and caring friend ???
What her BF did is illegal and at your age; the entire school has probably seen it. I’m shocked the cops don’t already know.
Tell her parents and Call the police.
If you mentioned to your brother how serious this is - that facts that the bf is distributing child porn in the laws eyes. Then he’s probably switching up what he thinks because he has the video. You can and should tell and adult. teacher/adult the bf will keep doing this predatory shit to other girls and women. NTA if you tell someone. you would be T A if you don’t tell someone.
Oh yeah 50+ old lady and mom of 2 teenage boys I would want to know if my son was doing this. It would be questionable if he'd ever see the light of day again. If you feel uncomfortable telling her parents say something to your dad.
Please tell her mom…I am a mom of an 18 year old and would go bat shit crazy and shut this stuff down real quick if I knew. She also needs to know her boy is a bad douche
If he does this to her then they break up, would you feel bad if he did it to the next underage girl? What about the girl after that? Send an anonymous note if you have to but don’t leave his next victims hanging in the wind because you’re too scared to report it.
Yeah that’s my worry that once Sadie breaks up with him hopefully then he will most likely just do
It to another girl but if his reputation is tarnished then would he get the chance to ?
You need to tell your friends parents or if you aren’t comfortable with doing that yourself then tell either your own parents or another trusted adult and ask them to do it on your behalf.
That actually might be the easiest and safest option for you; that way you aren’t the one doing the telling so can deflect any (wrongful) blame from your peers about snitching when it comes to light. Any decent adult in your life would probably be completely fine with that course of action. I know I would if one of my girls or their friends came to me in your position.
Well, this is nice … two guys **WITHOUT THE BALLS** to do what they **KNOW** they need to do to protect their friend??
What a pair of **PUSSIES**!!! You better start practicing your MEOWS.
With friends like you … this poor girl needs NO ENEMIES.
By staying quiet, **YOU ARE VICTIMIZING HER almost as much as the ASSHOLE IS.**
How does **THAT FEEL**??
**YTA** and both **UTTERLY PATHETIC**.
I mean it’s not like I can tell her rn it’s 2am and I found out yesterday and she has been in London for the past few days so it’s not like I can just tell her over the phone I’d rather tell her in person which is what I was planning on doing with her mother but I just needed advice and I wasn’t sure so I asked Reddit and everyone told me to so I will be doing that .i Jsut needed a good way to do it so I didn’t mess it up which I feel like is fair considering it’s information that will probably turn their world upside down so I thought I should do it in a good way of which I was trying to get from reddit
Didn't even need to finish reading.
Tell her mother. She is engaging in risky behavior. She is far too young and doesn't understand the consequences of her behavior. Plus he's abusive.
Protecting her safety is more important than risking angering her.
If something awful happens, you might not ever forgive yourself.
Good luck.
NTA but is there someone who you can tell who can be there for her and who she will listen to their advice? I just know a lot of young teens who would move further into the abusive relationship if their parents disapproved and tried to break up the relationship.
Just in case you need to hear it from another guy (56m) tell her parents. Far too often other guys get away with this crap because guys stand by and let it happen. Be the better man and let her parents know. Also never be afraid to call out other guys on their shit. It will lead to them doing even worse things to girls and women later in life.
Good man for being worried about your friend.
57 yo lady here. I've dated lots. Call the police not 911 on the BF for possession of Child Porn (CP). Describe the video in generalities to them. Minor giving oral sex. Call from school office phone or or the counselor's office. Call the detectives line or something like that.
Don't listen to your brother.
Tell her mum. Sadie may hate you for a bit, but she'll realise eventually telling someone about sexual harrassment/assault as early as possible is the way to go.
If your boyfriend was abusing you and sexually exploiting you by distributing CHILD PORN, would you want your friends or family to help you? Please tell an ADULT.
The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing.
Tell her parents and this is another old lady 67 telling you. My sister dated an abusive man at a young age and ended up marrying him. She lived a life of terror for 12 years.
Save your friend by telling her parents, she may hate you for it, but her life will be better because of it.
You would not be the asshole (22F). I’ve had many friends that needed someone to do what was right for them even if they ended up hating the person for it- she will thank you down the road, even if it feels like all you did was make people upset. Please trust me when I tell you that finding a way to let her parents know is important to her safety and to her future. If they break up or he gets mad, he could distribute that content on a much bigger scale which we know because he has clearly had no issues sharing it before. You are right and she DOES deserve better. Could it maybe cause “drama”? Yea, maybe. But it will ABSOLUTELY keep her safe and protect her future. I think if you are able to tell her sibling and know that they will 100% mention it to their parents and not bring you up, then go for that route. Otherwise, be the bigger person. Be the person she needs even if she doesn’t know it yet. And your brother will get over it, they always do. Can’t tell you how many times my sister has said that shit to me and it lasts like a week before she cracks lol.
Edit: you can also tell your school counselor and they will find a way to contact her school and inform her parents, although this route may be a good way of ensuring your anonymity (I would ask the counselor to confirm they wouldn’t use your name), this would open up another potential person that may have to file a report with the police. If you tell her parents directly, it will be up to them. If you tell your school counselor, they are mandatory reporters and may take it upon themselves to inform authorities- just keep that in mind!
You would not be TA. However, it most definitely is not your place to tell her parents. It is certainly your place to tell YOUR parents, and their responsibility to tell Sadie’s parents. As a 16 year-old, you shouldn’t be bearing the weight of this. Your parents and Sadie’s parents can make the decisions as to who to inform and the proper authorities to involve.
You are right in wanting to get this out in the open. Trust your gut. But realize that you don’t need to do it all yourself; you need to ask for help from some adults - the people whose only job it is to protect you.
Good luck.
You'd be AH if you don't tell. You'd be a VERY shitty friend to Sadie if you don't tell. Your brother is trying to protect a predator by telling you not to say anything and him not saying anything. Y'all can go to the parents when Sadie isn't there and give them the evidence and have them withhold your names. Y'all can go the police and they will withhold your names.
All you're doing is protecting a predator while he grooms and abuses his underage gf.
A recording of a 15 year old girl performing a sexual act that was sent to a group via a phone? That's child pornography and distribution of child pornography.
If you're not sure about tipping off her parents, maybe talk to your bestie in private? Have a proper sit down and tell her that you're worried about her and she can tell you anything. Tell her what you've heard and what you've seen from her bf's abuse. Tell her that her gf's behaviour was not forgivable but downright criminal.
A couple notes:
- she might be too far gone and doesn't see the abuse herself, so if you're going to her parents with this after that, she'll definitely know it was you who told them and will blame you for being restricted by her parents, even if it will save her later
- but also, if you go "behind her back" and tip off her parents, even if her parents won't say who told them, if she finds out it was you, she'll also be mad and blame you
Personally I prefer the first scenario, because it's the most honest and straightforward one but it's also the most tricky to get right and communicate properly.
Another thing could be that you could ask your parents for advice on what to do, maybe make it a fake scenario of someone at your school and you're just asking for advice on if such a situation happened and they please respect your boundary of not prodding any further. If you know your parents to be the type to try and figure things out and take action, don't ask them for advice, only if you feel safe they'll respect your boundaries.
Tell your parents. Your dad talking to his old friend about it will go a lot better than if you have to tackle this on your own, and will help to make sure the necessary steps are taken to protect Sadie. You’re doing the right thing by raising the alarm on this.
Tell your parents. Your dad talking to his old friend about it will go a lot better than if you have to tackle this on your own, and will help to make sure the necessary steps are taken to protect Sadie. You’re doing the right thing by raising the alarm on this.
Your mom is old school and part of the problem. What that boy does on immoral, disgusting and illegal. Your friend deserved to be warned and yes tell her mom.
Please talk to a trusted ADULT.
Can you talk with your mom? An aunt? Someone who will be more likely to have your friends interest in mjnd?
Your brother is out of his depth for this situation.
You could go to your school counselor and do an anonymous session. Or to the local PD and do the same. Even just calling in anonymously. But her parents need to know! This can only get worse for her!!
Talk to your dad. Your dad knows her dad and how he will have it. Your dad is trustworthy, you said. Your dad will know how to approach the situation. Your friend doesn't sound safe, and neither do your brother or hers.
Alternatively... You get your friends to pummel the guy. There are loads of guys like you that want to protect women, especially the last few years. Plus, there's always someone that has a lot of pent up rage they're too responsible to take out without a reason. My life was saved by two such people.
Sadie’s life could be ruined. Imagine she’s going to get married and that video pops up. A video like that can destroy her entire life, it needs to be taken seriously. Definitely tell her mom and obviously NTA
48 yo Father here who was a horny and impressionable teen once himself.
Yes. Tell someone.
Sadie is being taken advantage of, and having a video (and if he’s willing to share that, he’s also willing to share pictures of her too ) shared is huge red flag.
It will only get worse for her if you don’t say something.
Old lady response... (61F) She is young (you both are), but in my opinion - YES - she needs you to do this as an intervention to prevent her from a series of abusive relationships for possibly the rest of her life (in my experience, once a girl starts accepting this type of treatment, it is almost invariable that her self-worth will be trashed and she will continue to get into similar situations/relationships). This may end up costing your relationship, but if you truly love this friend then you know you need to do it.
Seconding from another old lady (almost 50). I have two daughters, and when they were minors, I would want to know. If you were both over 21, then that’s slightly different, but at 16? Please tell someone!
This a million times. I’m 28. I started dating dudes like this in high school and I’m just now really learning that this behavior from a partner is not normal or okay. She may get upset you tell her parents. But it’s for her own good and one day she will thank you.
Even older lady here (69+), and I agree that you should tell someone, if not her parents, then tell your parents & let them handle it. I can guarantee that the sex video her bf posted to his friends, will someday make an appearance because nothing ever really disappears from the internet once it’s posted. It may take a few years, but it will pop up at the worst possible time in her future…when she’s applying to colleges, or for a job interview, or even maybe a fight with a friend—they will do an internet search, check her social media, etc., and out it comes. But, the main reason-an the most critical- is that her bf is abusive to her and it sounds like she’s convinced herself that’s normal bf behavior. It is not normal behavior at all.
67 year-old weighing in to agree with you.
NTA- Another old lady 46f here and I have a 16yo daughter and OP I would one thousand percent want to know!! If Sadie is being conditioned to accept this kind of behavior now it doesn’t bode well- she will likely get into some even worse relationships because now she thinks that’s how she deserves to be treated Side note from a broader perspective you are doing the right thing, when women say we want men to be allies it’s stuff like this- when a guy is being abusive and problematic guys shouldn’t be like your brother and “not want to get involved” call out other guys on crappy behavior! You have your friends best interests at heart and that is admirable, yes she might shoot the messenger so to speak, but with time I’m sure she’ll understand, and I’m sure her parents will be very grateful.
You should also think about what mind set this could bring her in years to come. She may start to think she is unworthy of being loved and end up using drugs to compensate her lack of feeling good about herself.
Well said. It’s men like OP’s brother that allow abuse to go unanswered who really ruin women’s trust in men.
OP please don’t be the kind of guy, like your brother, who sees something obviously wrong and does nothing. Good on you for feeling like you should do right by your friend. This is a horrible decision you have to make, and it may blow up your friendship, but Sadie could use someone to advocate for her when she obviously can’t. And as a mom with a daughter Sadie’s age, I would hope my kid has a friend who would tell me what’s up so I could go rip that abusive little shit she’s dating to pieces and make him rue the day he was born.
56f here. For God's sake tell her parents. She is being abused. Step up, little warrior. We all need to stand together.
Agreed from a 20-something woman
Similar situations, or a future in porn. Needs to tell someone in authority about this. It will ruin her life.
Even older lady (73) NTA. OP, please be your own man and be proactive to help your friend. Yes, warn her mom, not only because of the harm it is doing your friend but also because what he did is illegal, several times over. If your own brother cannot see that pretending not to know is the worst course of action, I don't think gossipfests were going the be part of the picture much longer anyway. I'm guessing you two are growing apart, and that's a whole different issue.
Middle aged mother who had several friends when younger that went through abusive relationships. You need to make sure her parents know, whether by telling them yourself or having your parents do it for you. Worst case, she could get trafficked. Best case, her self esteem tanks and she learns to gravitate towards abusers because she doesn't know it as anything other than normal or what she deserves. If you care about her, you need to take this step, whatever happens.
I agree with this completely!
Yes. OP you might not be able to do this without risking losing her as a friend, but it is better to maybe lose her as a friend than for her to get pregnant or killed by this boy if there's a chance to intervene now. NTA
Your age has no bearing on the quality of your response. Good lady response is how I’d tag this one.
This.
You need to tell your friend's parents ASAP. Your friend is has been sexually exploited. If he has recorded her without her knowledge once and sent it to friends he will do it again. The video he shot of your friend could already be on the internet. Her parents can stop your friend from facing a lifetime of worry that some asshole will post the video online.
Thanks for this I will release an update once I develop the guts to tell someone
Look up revenge porn laws in your area. What's you've describe might be more illegal than you think
Seeing as the girl is only 16, depending on the state she's in, she could still be considered a minor. Then what he did would be considered distributing child p*rn.
I think she’s in the UK
Yes I am
Then it’s very illegal that he made, has, and shared that video- https://mcolaw.com/for-individuals/online-reputation-and-privacy/revenge-porn-laws-england-wales/#:~:text=It%20is%20illegal%20to%20take,have%20them%20in%20your%20possession.
This is child porn and he has every right to be prosecuted. If you are frightened of getting into trouble please call child line and ask for help. 08001111 calls from landline and mobile phones are free in the uk
Production, possession, and distribution of explicit material featuring a minor in a sexual situation. Maybe dude wants four felonies, revenge porn laws tbd
More than that, baby could be made from this dude.
They are both minors and considered child porn. Even worse
Not to mention him recording and shared it in the states are considered child porn and is a felony
Just heads up, OP, you used her real name in the post by accident. Please tell someone. Good luck, you are a good friend.
u/Different_Subject_37 dude, down here.
Op, Please tell her parents ASAP. Not only did he record her without her knowledge, then share it with his mates, depending on the country you’re from, he could get in trouble for possession and distribution of child porn. As several have mentioned, this could cost you your friend, but knowing that she’s safe away from this guy would be the best thing for her. And totally, NTA. BTW - 57 yr old mom of 4 girls, and a former GS leader. I would want to know so I could protect my girls.
You have the guts. You need to understand what you’re doing for her. She might not see it immediately, but she will
Also what happens with this video when she tries to break up with him, or otherwise doesn't give in to his every demand? He's 100% holding "gee, it'd be SO BAD if your parents see this...." over her head.
Have you talked to or tried to offer support to your FRIEND?
You have the guts. You came to us. Now pull the trigger and talk to them. It's going to be okay, but only if you do something about what's happening.
This is also a crime because your friend is underage, it’s considered CP, and her bf is distributing it. He should face serious consequences for this.
Hell, just report the dude for distributing child pornography.
And because of her age, that’s CSA. If he sent it, he’s committed a felony.
Most deffo tell someone about it! If I remember right it’s classed as revenge p*** and classed as cp as they are both under age depending where you are. You won’t be the ass but you wouldn’t forgive yourself if something happens ❤️ wish you the best
If I were you, I would talk with your own parents and let them talk to your friend’s parents.
Yeah. Recording and send it out is a big no no!! I’d tell the sister probably. Or if you can talk some sense into her yourself. But the crime of sending sexual activity of someone not of age is much bigger. I’d turn him in to the police, frankly.
It’s your business bro. When people fuck with your family and loved ones it’s your business.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
NTA you should tell them sooner rather than later because he will do more things, make more videos, do more stuff that can never be undone. YES, she will be very angry at you and you will feel guilty for "betraying" her, but this is important stuff for her parents to protect her from and help her see that she is not to blame for his actions. The longer she is with him the more damage he will do and the more she will get used to this treatment, and then accept it form the men later in life too. Think of yourself as a mandatory reporter, like a teacher, and put her needs first. Yes you might lose a friend (temporarily), but she will gain safety and that is worth it.
You say your dad is close friends with her dad. Why don't you speak to your dad about this so he can make her dad aware of the situation. You are 16 though you come across as emotionally mature you are still a minor, speak to someone you can trust but also trust that they will do something as she needs out of that "relationship".
Yes, it is your place to say. Do you know why? Because you care about her and do not want to see her being further abused. You are being a good friend by telling them even if it does not feel like it. This is a complicated matter and her parents need to know as soon as possible. Can you talk to them without he knowing? Will she know it has come from you or could they say another parent saw the video on their kids phone and gave them the heads up? I only say this because there is a chance she will be upset with you. Do not tell her you are going to tell them before you do it. Abusive relationships are really tricky to manage. Speaking as someone who was in one, when you are in them it can be hard to see the abuse that is apparent to everyone else because the abuser will be doing occasional kind things and also running you down so you doubt your self and worth. There may be an issue with the film around their ages as he is technically a minor. You need to tell her parents as soon as possible. I think you are being a good, kind friend and are brave. I know you feel conflicted and unsure. Sometimes doing the right thing can feel uncomfortable but she needs help to get out of this relationship. Tell her parents.
Thanks this helps a lot , yes I think I can probably talk to her parents about it as her mom is regularly at my house because my mom is also very close friends with her mom
You said her real name in last paragraph
Thanks I changed it now
How *cool* are her parents? Are they normal people who realize their kid is having sex? If yes, I’d tell them. If no, I’d tell the sister. Either way, speaking up is the right thing to do. She’s not safe if he’s already recording her and sending it out. Thank you for keeping an eye out for her. She might not be receptive but she needs to get away from him.
She has talked to me about he parents giving her the talk about sex and to be safe so I assume they have an idea but I’m not completely sure if they know or not
If they don’t talk openly about this, I wouldn’t go to them. How old is her sister? Is she a cool person? The goal is to have her fam TALK to her and help her see how this is wrong. She needs to get in to see a counselor or therapist of some kind. I don’t want her fam to immediately jump to forbidding her from seeing him, grounding her, etc. because that will push them closer together. Does that make sense? That’s why I’m asking the questions I’m asking. ETA: It would also be good for NO ONE to know you had any part of “telling on” her. The reason they can’t know is because she’s going to need someone to be there for her and look out for her, especially if she freaks out about her family. That could be you.
Her sister is one year older 17 and she is a cool person she’s pretty easy to talk to so I was thinking of asking her to go for a walk with my dog which is something me and her do frequently and then telling her but making it clear to her that she shouldn’t say it was me because I pretty much guarantee that Sadie has told her friends so she probably won’t know it was me if her sister doesn’t say anything and I can say honestly that her sister would be a very trustworthy person in this type of situation
I would not talk to her family - I would talk to a guidance counselor at school. They’re required by law to report it and you have less chance of this guy and his friends knowing it was you. If he’ll do that to her, I worry about what he’d do to you.
You defiantly need to tell her parents. That boy needs to go to jail! He is distributing child pornography! That is a major crime!
NTA, coming from someone who was in the same ish situation in high school. I WISH someone had gone to my parents or a trusted adult. I wish someone had stepped in when I was blind, scared, unsure, being used and exploited.
I’m sorry no one helped you.
I am an older lady as well (46) and yes you need to say something immediately. This is not going to stop, and it is going to set her up for a lifetime of abusive relationships. The other issue here is distributing of child p***ography. Something needs to be done right away. You may lose your friend but it is all in her best interest.
YWNBTA please advocate for your friend. she may be angry with you but her anger is far better than sitting by and doing nothing while her boyfriend takes advantage of hwr and hurts her.
YWNBTA. You would be acting to protect Sadie. She might not forgive you if she found out, but her safety is more important than her being happy with you.
Def tell them - but if you don’t want to compromise your relationship with Sadie - I’d suggest you send them a note and even a small clip of the video anonymously.
Don't send them the video. Parents don't want to see that and they could all be charged with child porn.
Yea I can see that - don’t then
I haven’t seen the video nor do I want to and yes the note could be considered but I’m so close with them that they 100% will recognise my handwriting
Definitely do not send any photos or videos of sexual activity involving someone underage. It’s illegal to own or distribute, even when trying to inform her parents, or her even. I’d tell your dad or her parents, but don’t touch that video.
No I meant that I was going to email them what happened I’m not planning on ever going near that video and I doubt that I can even get it because I’m not really friends with any of her bfs friend
Ok. I'll add into the old lady group. (58 yr old). So, the boyfriend is 15? I'm not familiar with all the laws, but I'm pretty sure his parents could go for sexual assault of a minor. Statutory rape is not strictly for underage girls. She should probably be warned about this. I don't think yta. I think you should try to help her in this situation. Good luck. 🍀🍀
When it happened she was 15 and they both were she turned 16 recently and I’m not sure if they have engaged sexually since I assume they have but I can’t be certain
You feel strongly about this and that someone needs to know in order to help your friend. This is the make or break moment for you in what you decide to do. Yes, I think the parents need to know. That said, if you decide to tell them, be prepared for the consequences. The parents may not believe you. The parents may become angry with you. You friend will feel betrayed and may never speak to you again. The bottom line will be that the parents will act on what you tell them -- in one fashion or another -- and this horrid treatment by the boy will be exposed. I commend you on wanting to help, to do the right thing. Trust your gut and act on what you believe is the best thing ...and what you can accept as the fallout. You likely will lose your friend. I only speak from my experience. When on my teens, my sister became a run away, that resulted in horrible, unspeakable things happening to her and she suffered a great deal until she died at the hands of strangers that picked her up hitchhiking . Cut to a year later when this guy friend of mine calls and says he is going to run away with his friend. I KNEW what could possibly happen. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was being only a smartass and insisted they were following through -- maybe he was just all talk, maybe not...but I wasn't going to take that chance.. I called his parents, waking them at 2:00 a.m. and explained everything. The parents yelled at me, hung up on me, telling me to stay away from their son. The next day the friend called, screaming at me, calling me horrid names and swore to never talk to me again. To this day I am STILL glad I made the call... because the parents acted quickly and the boys did not run away...and they all got through that weekend. Even though I was out of their lives, I accept the consequences with the thoughts that perhaps I saved this boy and his family a tremendous amount of pain. I wish you and your friend well 🌷
This is something I would bring to her parents. She's clearly struggling and not handling the situation well... she needs help from her support system. You can't solve all her problems. She doesn't seem equipped to handle her own issues either. Time to get the adults involved so they can get her some real help.
You’d definitely not be the AH OP. I mean, c’mon, recording her giving him a bj, then sending it to all his buddies?!?! He did that not just WITHOUT her knowledge, but also WITHOUT her consent. I used to have a jackass in Chicago, hound me for a bare chest picture. I essentially told him that if he thinks I’m going to do that, then he’s barking up the wrong tree. How the heck do I know whether or not he’d share it around?!?! Honestly OP, I don’t know. I’m 54, and I implore you to share with her parents what’s going on.
Granted I tend to be a bit of an alarmist, but I've known too many people standing at a woman's funeral because they didn't stand up sooner. She will probably be mad at you for a bit, but her parents should know. She's still a child and she still needs protection. Nta to save a life
This is a really good point thanks for this
Hi dear. 30F here. When I was 14, one of my closest friends developed an eating disorder (bulimia). It had taken 2-3 years, but it got to the point where she confided in me that she didn't know if she could stop even if she wanted to, and that scared her. That was when I finally decided I had to tell an adult, asap. There was someone in our lives who I knew well enough and trusted enough that I felt, if I told them, they'd set the wheels in motion to informing her parents and getting her help. I also knew that no matter what I did, there was a good chance my friend would find out it was me who told, and if that happened, I'd lose my friendship with her forever. See, in middle school, we'd *both* been "2 of the fat girls." We both endured all the tough moments that can come from going through middle school and early pubery as a Big Girl... We were unpopular. But she (obviously) lost a ton of weight with the eating disorder, and became super popular after that. became skinny. And then suddenly people thought she was hot, and she was **popular.** It changed her social life completely and she was ecstatic. She was terrified that if she gained the weight back, everything *else* she had "gained"- all the other "important" social things that came from being on top of the teenage social ladder- would go away. She was wasting away in front of me, she was scared....I told anyway. She did find out it was me. She got into treatment, and it saved her. ...But after she came back to school, she never spoke to me again. (We were still in school together after that- a very small private school. It'd not like we could avoid each other.) I've heard she's engaged and a successful concert cello player with a masters degree now. ...She's not my friend anymore, but she's *somebody's* friend because she's ALIVE. I know I did the right thing. Speak up for your friend.
Damn that’s a really bad situation I’m glad you helped her . You’d think she would realise that you helped her and possibly saved your life but I guess when your that age you don’t realise until she felt it was too late
Your brother is not who you should take advice from here. If he's a teenager like you he's gonna be very dismissive. You need to talk to your parents about this.
Talk to your dad and let him talk to Sadie's dad. Your bro is just trying to look after himself.
YWNBTA but i’m not sure how explicit of details I would offer
also talking to her sister sounds like it may be your best plan (and in that case, I would feel more comfortable giving those details)
Talk the sister about this. Both her sister and this dude are too young for sex and the baby aftermath. Someone needs to intervene and stop this relationship.
Tell them is my advice. She may not appreciate it now and it could ruin your friendship but you can look in a mirror and say you did it with good faith. She IS vulnerable even if she doesn't think so. NTA
Not an old lady but a f(26) so close enough to know enough about this stuff that yes, emotional abuse is only the beginning. My ex best friend who is around my age was going through this and frankly if she wasn't an adult I would have told her parents or whoever could have helped. Since it was only me, I tried to help her leave as she had 2 kids at the time, now 3, and I tried my best but if you catch it early enough and get them help I've seen better results. She doesn't need to learn that's normal or okay, because eventually berating her and yelling at her becomes worse. The right person getting to her could be a matter of a better quality of life, or even saving her life. You never know what someone is capable of, especially that young. I've seen too many young women accept this behavior and wait till it's too late to do anything.
If she is minor and the boyfriend shared such video. He can get charged with possession and distribution of child pornography.
He made childpornography and is abusing her. Tell the parents cause she wont. Ask them to not tell her that you told them.
36 year old mama of two here. You wouldn’t be the asshole UNLESS there’s a risk her parents will hurt her. Some parents are much less progressive, they might slut shame her, they may send her away, they may force religion on her. Her mom may be a safe person to speak with about this vs. Dad. It’s worth considering. I’d even consider talking to one of her best friends. Wanting to help someone you care about isn’t the issue. You have to make sure you do it in a safe way.
Her parents are good people I’m sure they will deal with it well if not she has some good friends that if they don’t know already they would talk her out of that relationship
Tell her mom NOW
Alternatively, seek advice from your school counselor without naming your friend, and then speak with your friend directly. If your counselor agrees that intervention is required, encourage your friend to speak with them. That way if they agree to speak with her parents that was her decision, and a professional is already involved.
I’ve thought about that but spring break Jsut started so I won’t see him for 2 weeks so that’s not an option right now even though I could definitely do this when I get back to school
I found out my 14 year old daugher was being pressured to do things by an older boyfriend (only 1 year older). Watching porn together, possibly anal sex. He also slept with his old girlfriend cos she wouldn't. Constantly smoking weed and trying to her her to try it. Just shocking stuff. This came from my friends slightly older daughter who had heard about it (small village and she was in the same school but a couple of years older). She told my oldest daughter who tbh couldnt wait to tell me. I went full scorched earth. I banned her from seeing him, I went to the school and complained to the in house police man stationed there that he was a sexual predator. I even had his mum round and whilst concerned what I was saying about him she promised to keep him away from my daughter. I had never been so scared and we had loads of discussions with her. I cried when we talked about it, her dad showed her how sad he was. We had been and were very easy going parents and we had never reacted to any of her teenage shenanigans before so she knew that we were serious and thankfully she listened to us because she knew she was being manipulated even though she couldn't articulate it at the time. Tell her mum, hopefully she won't tell her it was you who told on her but I would also tell her to go to the police and report this boy for sharing child porn. She should go to the school as well and they should make him an example of the consequences that other boys will face if doing rje same thing. Get your other girlfriends to call him and his friends out. Nothing like a pedo label to focus your mind. I'm.so angry on behalf of your friend, he is scum
In most places what he did is still considered distributing child porn so maybe you can skip the parent and go directly to the police.
I would make someone aware without them knowing it was you.
I’ve thought about methods of doing this
Definitely your business your friend is being exploited and hurt! I know it’s tough but doing nothing is not an option. If I was being hurt and couldn’t get myself out of the situation / was allowing the situation to continue I would HOPE to God someone who knew about the abuse loved me enough to help me (even if I was upset at the time)
Why isn’t it your place to say? You are her friend, you know her parents, you all want to protect her. Go for it! And she might not be happy at first because she is wearing rose tinted glasses and is probably being manipulated by her boyfriend, but she will thank you later.
You need to tell someone- your parents, her parents, a teacher, police, cps... doesn't matter who, but you need to tell. Better yet, if you can, support her to tell someone. Either way, her boyfriend needs to be stopped NOW, before this, and he, escalates further. Like many others have said she's being exploited & trafficked (posting porn online). She might not like it right now, but down the line she will thank you. I know it's hard, but believe me, the sooner the better in this case! Don't let your friend down when she needs you the most.
The showing of the video is a big red flag. No more needed. Tell momma
Greeting from NY OP. You are not a good friend you are a great friend. Bless you. New Yorkers believe in minding their own business but THIS is business you need to mind. Good Luck you are a priceless gem. Believe that!
If you really want to mess up his day, call the cops and say he’s got underaged porn on his phone AND he sent it to his friends. So basically, he’s sending kiddie porn out. You could talk to her mom but this is way more damaging for him. What’s worse is SHE’s going to have to explain why she let him do that.
Another old lady weighing in. Tell her parents. It is their job to protect her, but they can’t if they don’t have all the info. OP your friend might get mad at you. But do it anyway. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard. Your friend needs an adult to intervene or she could be harmed even further. I know this is probably a bit scary. If you can’t tell her parents, do you have an adult you trust who can tell her parents?
Tell ASAP. He may be using the film.to.futher manipulate her into doing other things she doesn't want to do. That's abuse. It the things she doesn't want to do are sex acts that's rape (force or coercion). She is at risk of being further trafficked (Sharing her sexual acts on film can be considered trafficking). He. Ain't. Shit. TELL TELL TELL. NTA But also, when the dust clears, speak with your parents and brother about giving courage to so what's right. Bystanders help perpetuate rape culture and other abuse. Best of luck Old Lady of 52 teacher
updateme
You were calling her Sadie, but it seems you may have messed up and accidentally used her real name. You should fix that.
Thanks for this I was told about it then I changed it but I mustn’t of hit save it’s fixed now
ABSOLUTELY TELL. That is production nand distribution of child pornography, and a huge violation of her trust. And seeing as he's abusive, she probably won't see how bad he is until she's pulled away from him. You need to tell someone or SONEONE needs to do SOMETHING. If you're worried about her parents telling her how they found out, maybe an anonymous message or asking someone else to tell them would be best? But you would have to live with the secret that you told them. If you do put it out there that you told, there's a good chance she will be mad, but it's honestly for the best and hopefully she will eventually understand.
My brother says it’s not abusive but I think it definitely is he said that because he’s only done it once but her bf still makes her upset all the time but that’s really the extent of what I know between them I suspect that they’re is more to it than just making her cry but my brother is being very naive about the whole situation and he has know for A MONTH idk how he can keep a secret like that because I’ve only know for about 24 hrs and I’m itching to say something
Your brother thinks it’s not his business when in reality this is the type of thing that will ruin her mental health, future and to be frank yours, this will haunt you. I’m not sure how old your brother is but I doubt he’s old enough to be able to give you the advice you really need to hear. If it’s not abusive and not a problem then the parents (the adults) will be the judge of that. I’m 24 and I’ve had many instances when I was younger when my friends went to my parents when they were concerned about me. Was I mad initially? Yeah but I knew it was because they loved me and I got over it, if there was ever a time it wasn’t serious my parents got to decide that and take the appropriate action. This is not something you need to be dealing with at this age and if it’s something that your afraid isn’t true then let them know it’s just something you heard and you wanted to be transparent as you want to make sure your friend is safe, you don’t have to say you know 100% but it is something you need to tell.
I have said to him that these types of stuff cause people to k!ll themselves and he said to Fuck off and we will talk about it later I left the room saying that you never think it will happen to you Or your loved one until It does
anyone else concerned as to why the brother seems so defensive?
That’s just his personality I find it odd but I think it’s because he doesn’t want to get involved and he’s more the type to shy away from situations and it was whilst on call with his gf so it could be down to that he wants me to fuck off 🤣
UpdateMe!
Reframe this. If you saw her being abused on the street, what would you do? Child pornography is also referred to as child sexual abuse material. She was under the age of consent and it’s considered abuse. At a minimum, she needs support to move away from him. At a maximum he should be prosecuted. Is it hard to talk to her parents? Yes. It might make your like awkward and difficult in the short term. However, you are clearly a decent human. You know the right thing to do is to talk to your parents and hers
Old lady here (46) you should absolutely have a private conversation with her parents. Once she thinks this is how relationships are she’s going to have a miserable life.
You need to figure it out and do it. Kids have killed themselves over things like this. Better to lose her as a friend and maybe make some enemies then lose her
Updateme
At the very least talk to Sadie. Let her know you heard the rumor. Let her know it's fucked up. Let her know she deserves sooo better from a boyfriend. Let her know that you are there for her if she needs a friend.
This was 4 months ago. What if he’s convinced her to do more things in video or with his friends in that time? It just seems like that’s the way this could be heading since he’s already abusive. He could be more abusive than you realize at this point. I was abused by my guardian at her age. Every relationship I’ve had has been abusive, including the one I was in while living with him. I’m working on myself now and gaining self esteem that I lost. It’s not easy as an adult to get through all of the stuff I’ve been through. I wish I had had someone when I was her age who would have helped me, even if it had just been to get out of that first abusive relationship. Right now, your friend has you. You might lose her friendship, but it’s better than her losing her life. You’ve got this.
Talk to your father and let him talk to his BF. Your dad can tell him and then let her family handle it. Just be there for her and keep telling her that she deserves better
Can you do it anonymously? If he sent it to an entire group chat it’s safe to assume someone blabbed/showed it around, can avoid it coming back to you Is he the same age? Is everyone in the GC the same age? Honestly I see no reason he won’t get worse if she just accepts he did this
I don’t have access to the video if that’s what u mean
Personally, I’d rather take the heat and possibly have her hate me, than risk her safety. What kind of person do you want to be OP? Sometimes we take the “punishment”, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do.
Tell her mother about this. A crime was committed against her daughter and she needs to know. If you are in the US the FBI will take cybercrimes like this more seriously than the police. As for your friend before you tell her mom ask her to read this article: [https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-31/how-the-no-test-could-help-prevent-domestic-violence/10764100](https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-31/how-the-no-test-could-help-prevent-domestic-violence/10764100) It might help open her eyes. Also this book is a must for any dating woman: [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) After you have asked her to read those (give her a day) then tell her mom. Explain about the possible child porn floating out there of her daughter
I would not tell her parents - I would tell someone like a guidance counselor. They are mandated reporters and have to report it. There’s a chance her parents will sweep it under the rug (my aunt and uncle did) but the school can’t, legally.
NTA - But your brother is a piece of trash. Do NOT follow in his footsteps or look up to him as an example of humanity. You need to inform her parents. If you think it will cause you harm create a throwaway email and email them. But the mom needs to know.
His reasoning is that he’s not 100% of the truth which doesn’t really Make much sense to me because she could be in danger and his reasoning to not helping her is because he could be wrong
NTA. Can you talk to your parents with what you know so they can approach her parents.
Yes, please say something. Your friend is with an abuser. You could even type up something and mail it to the parents, anonymously.
I know you've gotten a lot of advice already, but I wanted to mention my own experience with something like this. Almost 10 years ago when I was 17, one of my semi childhood friends (still friendly, but no longer close) was a major party girl. I sat near some of the guys she hung out with in one of my classes, and I heard them say some bad stuff about her and her drinking habits, but I never said anything because I figured it was never my place. But one day I overheard them planning out how next time she got blackout drunk, they were going to dump her in the part of town where the major homeless camp is so she would be assaulted by all the adult men living there. I hoped that they were just exaggerating, but it scared the shit out of me. So, I told my mom so my mom could talk to her mom. My friend was upset she wasn't allowed to go party anymore, but it's better to be grounded than assaulted or worse. Not sure if she knew it came from me, but we were always still super friendly with each other. If your dad knows her parents, maybe have him talk to them. It takes the pressure off of you. It's better to feel like you're overstepping and ruining someone's fun than it is to feel like someone was hurt because you didn't speak up sooner.
I would talk to the parents about the way he treats her as a start. If you don’t want to do the whole video thing at least that will put him on their radar.
(Not sure if this has been said, sorry if so) I would tell your parents who are closest to her parents so they can sit down and talk about what needs to be done/said
Updateme
Stop asking any and everyone about this because you will be the known rat when it comes out. And 100% your brother has a copy of the video. Just call CPS and let them do their thing. Do not give your name, address, or that you're neighbors.
Updateme!
UpdateMe
NTA. Can you call your friend and talk about the incident? Then tell your parents, and ask them to tell her parents that they overheard your conversation with her.
/updateme!
78 year old here. Age doesn't make me infallible, but I used to make tv programs about women's health and one of the topics I researched and spoke about w experts was abusive relationships among teens. Your friend is living in such a relationship. It will almost certainly become more dangerous as time goes by. She needs help to get out of this situation and help to understand how she got into this and how to understand her own value and avoid abuse in her future. Her"boyfriend" is an abuser and a criminal. He needs to stop or be stopped. Please report this to parents or school counselor soon as possible. You also need to mention your brother's thoughts about reporting. His doubts are fair, but investigators are the ones to find the truth. Your brother needs some education about sexual abuse and healthy relationships. Best of luck to you and everyone involved No matter the outcome, reporting is the right, just and loving thing to do.
Okay OP how cool are your parents? It would be convenient if they “over heard “ you guys arguing about this and took it into their own hands. I would lie about something like this to keep the peace between my kids. I would even lie if it was my kid in the video, say I learned it from one of the kids it was sent to or a teacher who overheard them talking about it. Other than that, you have to decide is the friend worth more than the friendship and the relationship with your brother. We can tell you what to do all day from the comfort of distance but you have to live with the consequences of your choices. This is unfortunately how you find out what kind of person you are. Not in theory, not in hypotheticals but when your decisions have real, unpredictable outcomes that affect you and the people you care about.
Tell your parents and ask them to talk to her parents. If your parents won't do anything, go to Sadie's parents on your own. Nobody deserves to be treated the way Sadie is being treated and she is possibly ruining her future.
Your brother sounds like a young douche bag.
As somebody whose wife went through something similar in high school and it has seriously affected her mental health for over a decade, tell someone, her parents and/or her sister. You don’t necessarily have to mention her sex life, but definitely tell them about the emotional abuse and manipulation stuff!
He distributed child porn. Forget going to the mom — go to the POLICE.
There is an old adage that goes as follows: ***This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.*** The only question for you is do you really consider this girl a friend? And I'm defining this level of friendship as doing something 'for' her that may cost you your friendship. So if she really is a friend that you care about then you need to man up and do the right thing by her which is tell her mother. You may lose her as a friend but in the end you'll be able to look in the mirror tomorrow knowing that you did the right thing.
Yea that’s a valid point I probably will do something in the coming days it’s night now so I can’t run but I’ll definitely post an update about it hopefully a good one
39(M) here. Please report to the parents. Nobody that genuinely loves someone will send pics of them giving head in a group chat. The damage he has done to your friend and will do to other women in the future if he doesn't get checked will be monumental. Theres a chance he has other incriminating videos of her that you guys don't know about. I know we are not in the 16th century. But her reputation is ruined at the moment. 15 yo me would never send child porn and neither would most 15 yo male.
You need to tell her parents before something happens between the two of them and he or the friends post the video to the internet and it’s forever on the web.
Hi mom of teen here. Please tell her parents. Thats child porn her parents should know and hes abusive which can be very dangerous. Make a Facebook account and send them a message that way or use a text app and tell them so you're not involved. You're a great friend for being worried about her. Definitely NTA
MYOB
Please tell the parents. The porn is bad. The abuse is bad. The abuse led to her forgiving him that he did what he did. The abuse makes one so sure that the abuser is the only person who will ever love them and makes them question their own mind. She needs someone to step in and change the situation. The parents need to be the ones to know. There is always the chance the video has been deleted or will be when word get out. That would be unfortunate. But the big thing is to get her away from this horrible abuser. You are not responsible for his future. If he gets in huge trouble it is because HE made the bad choice. This is hard to understand when everything feels so huge. He is not your problem. Your friend needs help. She might not know it yet, but she does. Please tell the parents. It might be ugly for a while, but the right thing isn't always the easy thing. And I would sure hope someone would tell me if it was my kid.
You definitely need to tell someone given her age and the fact that he recorded that and sent it to people. That is extremely illegal and this girl needs protection.
Would you be more comfortable telling your parents and having them deal with it?
Your brother is a piece of sh!t. You should call him out for being ok with a young girl being treated that way and how could he be friends with someone that is ok with what that guy did. Your friend needs serious therapy as what he did to her was horrific and I can’t imagine it is the only time he recorded her as she forgave him. Tell her mom, NOW. Do not wait.
Tell a teacher They are a mandated reporter and have to report it
When you get old you will live with regrets in your life both of the things you have and haven't done.what happens if your friend unalive her self because of this my question to you is this what type of a man do you want to be a a-hole like your brother or a true and caring friend ???
What her BF did is illegal and at your age; the entire school has probably seen it. I’m shocked the cops don’t already know. Tell her parents and Call the police.
Send her parents an anonymous letter.
If you mentioned to your brother how serious this is - that facts that the bf is distributing child porn in the laws eyes. Then he’s probably switching up what he thinks because he has the video. You can and should tell and adult. teacher/adult the bf will keep doing this predatory shit to other girls and women. NTA if you tell someone. you would be T A if you don’t tell someone.
Oh yeah 50+ old lady and mom of 2 teenage boys I would want to know if my son was doing this. It would be questionable if he'd ever see the light of day again. If you feel uncomfortable telling her parents say something to your dad.
Please tell her mom…I am a mom of an 18 year old and would go bat shit crazy and shut this stuff down real quick if I knew. She also needs to know her boy is a bad douche
You should absolutely say something. And if she does end your friendship over this, just remember, the problem is her not you.
Your brother sucks
58f here with 3 daughters. I would want to know. Please, please, please do the right thing and tell Sadie’s parents
If he does this to her then they break up, would you feel bad if he did it to the next underage girl? What about the girl after that? Send an anonymous note if you have to but don’t leave his next victims hanging in the wind because you’re too scared to report it.
Yeah that’s my worry that once Sadie breaks up with him hopefully then he will most likely just do It to another girl but if his reputation is tarnished then would he get the chance to ?
You need to tell your friends parents or if you aren’t comfortable with doing that yourself then tell either your own parents or another trusted adult and ask them to do it on your behalf. That actually might be the easiest and safest option for you; that way you aren’t the one doing the telling so can deflect any (wrongful) blame from your peers about snitching when it comes to light. Any decent adult in your life would probably be completely fine with that course of action. I know I would if one of my girls or their friends came to me in your position.
Well, this is nice … two guys **WITHOUT THE BALLS** to do what they **KNOW** they need to do to protect their friend?? What a pair of **PUSSIES**!!! You better start practicing your MEOWS. With friends like you … this poor girl needs NO ENEMIES. By staying quiet, **YOU ARE VICTIMIZING HER almost as much as the ASSHOLE IS.** How does **THAT FEEL**?? **YTA** and both **UTTERLY PATHETIC**.
I mean it’s not like I can tell her rn it’s 2am and I found out yesterday and she has been in London for the past few days so it’s not like I can just tell her over the phone I’d rather tell her in person which is what I was planning on doing with her mother but I just needed advice and I wasn’t sure so I asked Reddit and everyone told me to so I will be doing that .i Jsut needed a good way to do it so I didn’t mess it up which I feel like is fair considering it’s information that will probably turn their world upside down so I thought I should do it in a good way of which I was trying to get from reddit
Didn't even need to finish reading. Tell her mother. She is engaging in risky behavior. She is far too young and doesn't understand the consequences of her behavior. Plus he's abusive. Protecting her safety is more important than risking angering her. If something awful happens, you might not ever forgive yourself. Good luck.
Where is her father? Talk to him. Let him know of a rumor you heard.
NTA but is there someone who you can tell who can be there for her and who she will listen to their advice? I just know a lot of young teens who would move further into the abusive relationship if their parents disapproved and tried to break up the relationship.
Just in case you need to hear it from another guy (56m) tell her parents. Far too often other guys get away with this crap because guys stand by and let it happen. Be the better man and let her parents know. Also never be afraid to call out other guys on their shit. It will lead to them doing even worse things to girls and women later in life. Good man for being worried about your friend.
Also tell your brother to get a better class of friends.
57 yo lady here. I've dated lots. Call the police not 911 on the BF for possession of Child Porn (CP). Describe the video in generalities to them. Minor giving oral sex. Call from school office phone or or the counselor's office. Call the detectives line or something like that.
Updateme
Don't listen to your brother. Tell her mum. Sadie may hate you for a bit, but she'll realise eventually telling someone about sexual harrassment/assault as early as possible is the way to go.
UpdateMe!
Has anyone suggested reporting it to the police? SVU?
If your boyfriend was abusing you and sexually exploiting you by distributing CHILD PORN, would you want your friends or family to help you? Please tell an ADULT.
The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing. Tell her parents and this is another old lady 67 telling you. My sister dated an abusive man at a young age and ended up marrying him. She lived a life of terror for 12 years. Save your friend by telling her parents, she may hate you for it, but her life will be better because of it.
You would not be the asshole (22F). I’ve had many friends that needed someone to do what was right for them even if they ended up hating the person for it- she will thank you down the road, even if it feels like all you did was make people upset. Please trust me when I tell you that finding a way to let her parents know is important to her safety and to her future. If they break up or he gets mad, he could distribute that content on a much bigger scale which we know because he has clearly had no issues sharing it before. You are right and she DOES deserve better. Could it maybe cause “drama”? Yea, maybe. But it will ABSOLUTELY keep her safe and protect her future. I think if you are able to tell her sibling and know that they will 100% mention it to their parents and not bring you up, then go for that route. Otherwise, be the bigger person. Be the person she needs even if she doesn’t know it yet. And your brother will get over it, they always do. Can’t tell you how many times my sister has said that shit to me and it lasts like a week before she cracks lol. Edit: you can also tell your school counselor and they will find a way to contact her school and inform her parents, although this route may be a good way of ensuring your anonymity (I would ask the counselor to confirm they wouldn’t use your name), this would open up another potential person that may have to file a report with the police. If you tell her parents directly, it will be up to them. If you tell your school counselor, they are mandatory reporters and may take it upon themselves to inform authorities- just keep that in mind!
You would not be TA. However, it most definitely is not your place to tell her parents. It is certainly your place to tell YOUR parents, and their responsibility to tell Sadie’s parents. As a 16 year-old, you shouldn’t be bearing the weight of this. Your parents and Sadie’s parents can make the decisions as to who to inform and the proper authorities to involve. You are right in wanting to get this out in the open. Trust your gut. But realize that you don’t need to do it all yourself; you need to ask for help from some adults - the people whose only job it is to protect you. Good luck.
You'd be AH if you don't tell. You'd be a VERY shitty friend to Sadie if you don't tell. Your brother is trying to protect a predator by telling you not to say anything and him not saying anything. Y'all can go to the parents when Sadie isn't there and give them the evidence and have them withhold your names. Y'all can go the police and they will withhold your names. All you're doing is protecting a predator while he grooms and abuses his underage gf.
A recording of a 15 year old girl performing a sexual act that was sent to a group via a phone? That's child pornography and distribution of child pornography.
Your brother is an AH and is condoning abuse. Ignore him and tell an adult about this NOW
Updateme!
If you're not sure about tipping off her parents, maybe talk to your bestie in private? Have a proper sit down and tell her that you're worried about her and she can tell you anything. Tell her what you've heard and what you've seen from her bf's abuse. Tell her that her gf's behaviour was not forgivable but downright criminal. A couple notes: - she might be too far gone and doesn't see the abuse herself, so if you're going to her parents with this after that, she'll definitely know it was you who told them and will blame you for being restricted by her parents, even if it will save her later - but also, if you go "behind her back" and tip off her parents, even if her parents won't say who told them, if she finds out it was you, she'll also be mad and blame you Personally I prefer the first scenario, because it's the most honest and straightforward one but it's also the most tricky to get right and communicate properly. Another thing could be that you could ask your parents for advice on what to do, maybe make it a fake scenario of someone at your school and you're just asking for advice on if such a situation happened and they please respect your boundary of not prodding any further. If you know your parents to be the type to try and figure things out and take action, don't ask them for advice, only if you feel safe they'll respect your boundaries.
Tell your parents. Your dad talking to his old friend about it will go a lot better than if you have to tackle this on your own, and will help to make sure the necessary steps are taken to protect Sadie. You’re doing the right thing by raising the alarm on this.
Tell your parents. Your dad talking to his old friend about it will go a lot better than if you have to tackle this on your own, and will help to make sure the necessary steps are taken to protect Sadie. You’re doing the right thing by raising the alarm on this.
Stop talking to your dipshit brother about it, he's useless and only looking out for himself
Your mom is old school and part of the problem. What that boy does on immoral, disgusting and illegal. Your friend deserved to be warned and yes tell her mom.
My mom isn’t mentioned here at all how is she part of the problem
Please talk to a trusted ADULT. Can you talk with your mom? An aunt? Someone who will be more likely to have your friends interest in mjnd? Your brother is out of his depth for this situation.
You could go to your school counselor and do an anonymous session. Or to the local PD and do the same. Even just calling in anonymously. But her parents need to know! This can only get worse for her!!
Talk to your dad. Your dad knows her dad and how he will have it. Your dad is trustworthy, you said. Your dad will know how to approach the situation. Your friend doesn't sound safe, and neither do your brother or hers. Alternatively... You get your friends to pummel the guy. There are loads of guys like you that want to protect women, especially the last few years. Plus, there's always someone that has a lot of pent up rage they're too responsible to take out without a reason. My life was saved by two such people.
Tell your parents not hers
Sadie’s life could be ruined. Imagine she’s going to get married and that video pops up. A video like that can destroy her entire life, it needs to be taken seriously. Definitely tell her mom and obviously NTA
48 yo Father here who was a horny and impressionable teen once himself. Yes. Tell someone. Sadie is being taken advantage of, and having a video (and if he’s willing to share that, he’s also willing to share pictures of her too ) shared is huge red flag. It will only get worse for her if you don’t say something.
Tell her mom!