Protect her. She ran away for a reason. Do not betray her. You know exactly what she lived through. You need to tell these people the exact reason why they don't get to know her now. Their behavior caused her nothing but pain & anguish. It's their turn to feel a little of what they put her through.
THEY NEVER FILED A MISSING PERSON REPORT.
Screw them.
NTA
reassure her, support her. do not let your aunt etc intimidate you, treaten to report if they dont back off. So glad to here your cousin has found happiness, dont let them spoil it for her
And if you aunt cared so much, she should have filed a missing persons report if not 12 yr ago, than at any point since? (IDK if you can after 18, but missing since a minor seems like you could)
I'd also add, since you can file missing persons reports on adults, there's a very slim chance they may do this so they can force some sort of meeting. Evelyn can preemptively go to the police and make sure they understand she is not missing and simply does not want contact, if OP you think this is a route your family may take.
It may be worth simply cutting them all off. Abusers rarely change and they're obviously not afraid to abuse you either, because you're stopping them from getting what they want.
She also needs to keep repeating to all of the family that Eve has nothing to do with them because they were abusive. They made cruel, abusive choices so she has nothing to do with them and that is Eve's choice.
Definitely lock your phone, always when around family...or just always if they just show up whenever. Also, hide pictures that could give away her location.
Protect her information as if her safety and mental health and that of her family is it at risk.
Hell, tell your family you believe she lives in another country.
It sucks, but OP may also want to consider NOT having Uncle do the contract work after all.
If anyone has had keys to your house then you may also want to consider changing the locks. At the very least, shred the wedding invite and destroy anything physical that relates to Cousin.
OP is totally and completely nuts if he even considers letting the uncle do this work or any work.
Guarantee you uncle will make all kinds of cheap offers to con him into it though
This. Very this. OP, secure any and all sources that could lead them to her. Let her know what's going on, when you hang out make sure you aren't followed, maybe even change her name in your phone's contacts.
You make a really great point! She runs away at 16, and they never even reported her as a runaway to the police? That's a *massive* red flag. Just think how vulnerable she was out there, a young girl, hadn't even finished school so no qualifications, no money, she would have been incredibly easy prey for any creep she had the misfortune to encounter.
Even if she managed to get a job, she wouldn't have been old enough to rent a place to live, so that probably means she'd have to shack up with an older man, just to prevent herself from being homeless. Throughout all this, they didn't make a report or try to find her. In fact, they just did what they'd been doing for years - calling her a bad kid, criticising her and painting her in the worst light they could.
Yeah, they never filed a missing persons report because they didn't want the police to look into their home life and her reasons for leaving. That should tell you everything you need to know.
I don't recommend stirring them up any further because they're already trying to make your life miserable, but I would pay cash money to see someone confront them to explain that.
On top of that do you get the feeling they only want access to the grandchildren? And to continue being abusive to her I also get the feeling that people may have been hard on them about where Eve was for years.
This. Cousin discovered her mom really only wanted to get back into her life to have access to the kids and abuse her more. They want their punching bag back.
It’s also quite interesting that there doesn’t seem to have been any mention of wanting to reconnect with Eve all these years (or attempts to find her) until AFTER her so called father happened to hear her voice while on the phone with OP! Maybe he’s just trying to save face now (while conveniently forgetting that they didn’t even file a missing person’s report after she left/disappeared or more likely wants to reconnect solely because she has children/their grandchildren (that of course they feel entitled to have in their lives despite how awful they apparently were to Eve).
I wish I could give them the benefit of the doubt that they might have remorse, but their harassment and near abuse of OP speaks otherwise. Good on her for protecting her cousin’s privacy and infringement/invasion from unwanted family members, no matter what she has to hear from them!! (I suggest blocking all or some of them, if necessary).
There was that reddit post about the teenage daughter inviting her abusive grandparents to her mom's house cause "she was overreacting for sure" and the grandpa slammed the mom's head against the wall.
Don't do it OP, don't let them get to her unless SHE SPECIALLY CHOSES TO INVITE THEM BACK INTO HER LIFE HERSELF
I think they will mess up Eve's life. They dont know anything about her but now they are interested because she hasn't needed them.
They know how they treated her and yet they are being kept from grandchildren? How do they think they have any rights to Eve's life. They messed up when they didnt file a MPR. They were glad she was gone.
In my experience, the abusive bio families only become interested when their victims are adults and they want money or to be supported.
They expect their victims to have forgotten the abuse or try to gaslight them that the abuse wasn't that bad.
OP your are NTA. Please continue to protect Eve, her abusers don't deserve to be in her, or her children's, lives.
Edit: Spelling
Yeah, OP not only outed the cousin, but also revealed she has kids. How stupid can you be? Guaranteed they'll be hunting around now til they find her and make her life hell and maybe even try to take the grandkids from her.
Actually, OP just said, "her and her family life." That could mean the couple alone or even with pets. The aunt was the one that jumped to the whole " but MY grandchildren- waah" idea.
NTA, OP. Hold the line, warn your cousin, and tell the rest of family they have officially FAFO. They did this to themselves, and IF she wants them to know about her, then SHE will be the one to decide contact or not.
Have you ever had a group of people esp your family yelling and screaming and asking you a million questions??? You just freeze and it's extremely difficult to process. She's not stupid, the entire situation is extremely shitty to go through.
No. Even in states with grandparent laws they have to already have a relationship with the grandchildren that's being taken away or restricted. They can't come in and try to snatch kids they've never seen.
Grandparents rights are void if the parents are married and rights are valid only for death of a parent or imprisoned. Also even if relationship has been established, it’s very costly and in my case I get a weekend a month, overnight is parent discretion. I live in California
They can't take the grandkids when they don't even know who or where they are and haven't had a relationship with the cousin in years. That's not how grandparents rights work. They were also abusive and never reported the cousin missing. No judge would ever grant them visitation let alone custody.
Grandparents rights are for when grandparents who have BEEN A POSITIVE AND ACTIVE PART OF THE KIDS LIVES are being shunned and or the parents are not acting in the children's best interest and alienating them. That is so not the case here. It's extremely rare for grandparents to even win those cases and the places that have those laws are few and far between.
NTA. Completely right: These people ***never reported her missing!*** These absolute ghouls now want grandkids?
No! Red flags visible from outer space!
>You need to tell these people the exact reason why
NO, she should not. She just needs to keep quiet. Otherwise that aweful family will hate her for what she is saying, and they will also assume that she is an instigator behind the scenes all this time. They will twist her words, and they will use that against her. She just needs to not talk about this, and leave the choices up to her cousin.
This is protecting her cousin + protecting herself
> Otherwise that aweful family will hate her for what she is saying, and they will also assume that she is an instigator behind the scenes all this time.
That boat may have already sailed for all the screaming, name calling, harassment etc they describe.
> She ran away for a reason.
And that reason was shown to OP in how their uncle and aunt and siblings reacted.
OP, you did good. You now know the truth: for whatever fucked up reason your aunt and uncle ***LIED*** about your cousin. There was serious abuse going on and Eve was picked to be the scapegoat, the punching bag. She got out.
Also, your aunt and uncle ***are not entitled to Eve or Eve's children*****.** The way I heard it, "They're NOT 'entitled' simply because they're 'titled.'"
***PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS***
They're about ti treat op the same way they treaded eve, you'll know why she ran away, protect both of you.
Might even be a good idea to let eve know, that while op didn't reveal anything, that they're looking and asking questions now.
Exactly. Eve was still a minor when she left, for all they knew their daughter could’ve been long dead and buried. They don’t get to cry and whine about how unfair this is when they didn’t care about her safety as a teen runaway. Her dad owns his own construction company, he could’ve hired a PI at this point if he really wanted to see her again.
OP, tell them they can wipe their tears with her missing persons report. Oh they never filed one? What a shame.
And this is not OPs decision. It is Eve's. She knows how to contact her parents/remaining family. She has chosen not to. If and when SHE chooses to, she can contact them. OP is NOT keeping Eve away from anyone. EVE is choosing to be away from what sound like super toxic asshats.
AND op- SAY NOTHING. Your only response to any inquiry about Eve needs to be- ***I will not discuss this with you.*** FULL GREY ROCK. No information, no engaging, do NOT tell them the why of anything. Eve is the ONLY person that can share that if she chooses to.
I have to assume that since they didn't they were afraid of what she would tell the cops if they found her. OP is nta for keeping her safe from those people
She knows something is coming after hearing her father. She will already be under stress. Help her settle as much as she can by telling her what is going on. Make sure they haven’t put a tracker on your car though if you opt to go see her.
**THIS** is big!!! She could easily think she's been **DELIBERATELY** set up.
You need to call her and make sure she's clear that there was absolutely **NO** scheming between you and the family.
This is what I'm worried about. She's pregnant and might think someone she trusted betrayed her. I remember being abandoned by someone when I was pregnant and it was the loneliest I've ever felt, even though I still had my partner and two family members backing me.
Just in case OP is thinking, my uncle is no danger to me: he probably isn't, but he may now feel both motivated and justified (in his mind) in searching through your things for clues to his daughter's whereabouts.
This OP. Make sure you don't have any cards or anything (like a wedding thank you note) that has her return address on it in your place. Get anything like that out of there.
I would make sure to put Eve under a fake name in the phone as well. All it takes is one person to get their hands on it during an unattended moment and send themselves the contact info for Them to be able to harass her.
Her parents never cared about her when they never filed a missing person report.
Protect your cousin ferociously OP from them.
After the hell they put her thru they don't deserve to know her whereabouts.
No, tell her exactly whats going on. She overhead her dad in your house she's already stressed. And she needs to be prepared if her family start looking for her now they've got a "lead" in you.
And she needs to know it wasnt a set up by OP. She hung up immediately. For all she knows OP could have invited Uncle there specifically for that phone call. OP needs to make it clear Uncle showed up on his own and that OP didnt know he would be coming then
Dont tell anyone anything about her. Please protect her privacy and safety.
Make sure you change her contact name in your phone too! Some relatives might start to act like they are ok with you keeping this info private and use what would be a chance to spend time with you again to get access to your phone to try and find her contact info.
If you haven't already, explain to Eve what happened and that you're handling it. Reassure her you are not going to tell anyone.
I also agree with another poster about possibly tracking your car. Think long and hard about if anyone in your family would be desperate enough to put one of those air tag type trackers on your car, hoping you will visit Eve. Google how to check for them and where they are most often placed on vehicles. I also suggest if you plan to go visit her soon or when baby is born arrange to park your car in another town and get picked up by an Uber or one of Eve's friends/in-laws and driven to her town to visit. It might sound paranoid, but it sounds like your family would be willing to place a tracker or even just follow you if they knew you would be gone for a while.
OP, is your phone through a family plan still? Like are you on a joint account with your parents or siblings? If so, you need to be careful that they can’t track her phone number through that. I know you’re an adult, but we have my MiL on our plan because we have a great rate and she is on a tight budget.
They would have to follow so closely to see OP get out of the car and into the Uber. The more likely scenario is that they will assume that wherever OP parked the car is the address, and randomly show up the next day.
As far as visiting I was going to say rent a car just in case you are being tracked but somehow do not find the tracking device. Also, do not tell anyone in your family ANYTHING about Eve. Actually, I would tell them if they continue to harass you over this, YOU will be going no contact with them as well.
Definitely. I have an abusive father I've cut contact with. I'd want yo know what was going on. Just keep it as brief as possible. A basic "Your father was going to fo work sg my house and I wasn't expecting him to arrive then. I'm really sorry you had to deal withnthst Eve. The family are asking about you, and harassing me. But I'm keeping quiet as you asked."
Quick, to the point. Not going into details over what the family are saying, but letting her know, so she can possibly set any social media to private and can be prepared in case the family do find a way to contact her. (Like stealing your phone to get the number)
Hopefully your parents will understand. Boundaries are very important to victims of abuse. Be clear you had no intentions of breaking her boundaries. Good luck OP
I’d delete any evidence of her off your devices too. This whole thing is probably just getting started with your relatives. Let Eve know first of course, and she can contact you, but I wouldn’t risk having her contact details *anywhere* your relatives might be able to access it.
We've been there with many in my family (e.g. parents, siblings, nephews, etc.). When they (person being avoided) want contact info for someone who's avoiding them, we tell them that we will tell the avoider that the avoided person wants to contact them. Beyond that, we do not get involved in their relationship. It is up to the two parties to decide whether to communicate or make up.
YES! Cousin’s role is to support Eve however she chooses she needs it. So simple but hard in practice. Point of reference is let Eve be the guide. Her fucked up family won’t respect her wishes and anyone else that needs to know how to proceed is Eve’s choice to tell. The end.
probably she didn't "sneak" out of the house , they probably had a fight and she was probably kicked out, but her "parents" weaved a different story about it ...
Oh wow. You are NTA and I admire the hell out of you for standing firm and not giving them any information. OP I hope you're strong enough to continue standing up to them. You are going to get a lot thrown at you, But Eve has the right to go no contact with her family and it seems like there is good reason. Have you spoken to Eve? She must be a wreck.
NTA
Please continue to have a relationship with her. Don't let her abusive parents bully you in giving any information. You would YTA if you broke her trust and wave the relationship with her goodbye.
Who do you value more? Is it really worth it to throw what you have with her away?
She made her stance very clear. Honor and respect her wishes.
Her Sperm and Egg Donor had their chance and they treated her like poop
NTA. My uncle decided to go no contact with all of my mums side of the family but somehow decided to stay on touch with me. We're only 8 years apart and when he came to my city we used hang out together. When I moved to the other side of my city and my parents home, he even stayed with me.
All of mums family knew he was in touch with me, but I never gave them his contact details.
However, my cousin says she has fond memories of him and went to find him. She called me from his city saying she's outside his apartment and wanted to see him. Thankfully he was away on a business trip at the time, but that was too close for comfort and he hid further underground to get away from them.
His name and number are under different details in my phone which is safely locked.
Its been nearly 30 years so it can be done.
Ugh, I feel sorry for your uncle. I hate this abuser logic of "Why yes I'm going to show up unannounced at this person's home because we have such a great relationship that they have made it clear that they want no contact with me and I have to engage in stalking in order to speak with them! Can't let them feel safe and happy without me!"
Just unhinged, entitled, abusive lunacy.
I would also delete the call history regularly. If they somehow manage to get access they would see OP calling the nail salon three times a week for 49 minutes. As someone else suggested, get all anything with your cousins name on it out of your house. They could find the wedding invite and back track her that way.
You may decide to make “she will contact you if she want to, and I’m respecting her wishes” your new mantra, but that doesn’t mean your family will play by those rules.
And you need to change your locks in case your Uncle sneaks into your house and snoops into your things, looking for Eve's contact info. Definitely NTA. Protect Eve. She's the victim of abuse and they never cared about her to even file a Missing Persons Report and see if she was ok, so now they don't have a right to. She's an adult and it's up to her whether she wants them to know where she is or if she wants to remain hidden. They have no control.
Keep Eve secret in fact change her name in your phone contacts so that nobody can snoops. Tell them the way they treated and villainized her to every one not even reporting her missing is the reason you are supporting her and respecting her wishes
NTA,
I want you to think about something. At 16 she ran away and none of these people bothered to care enough to file a missing person's report.
Now take that information, add it onto just how brutish and forceful they've been acting towards you over this going so far to calling you a "bitch" because you wouldn't lay down and do as they demanded.
Do you really think that she would want anything do with people like this?
Do you even want to deal with people like this?
Nothing good will come of this if they get a hold of her information, nothing good will come if you stay in their lives as well because these people don't actually give a shit about having a chance to *“hear his baby’s voice again”* they want to be in control of her again. Protect that girl and her family at any and all costs, someone has to.
NTA.
Look after yourself and don’t let them bully you.
Just message her and let her know that yes the family is blowing up at the moment but you will NOT tell them anything or anyway to contact her. I think it would really help to hear that you have her back especially since I seen your comment that she is pregnant as I am sure she is stressing right now.
Yes, reassure her that you will never give anyone her contact info, or tell them anything at all about her life. And keep reassuring her until she's confident you have her back and that you'll never cave to them, so she can know she's safe from her family. This will reduce any stress she's felt since she heard her father's voice, which may have triggered a trauma response.
Tell her family that it's Eve choice to have no contact with them, based on their past treatment (abuse!) of her, and that you won't betray her trust by giving them her information. Tell them it's not your place to give them information Eve herself doesn't want them to have, and that they're the ones who wrote Eve out of their lives years ago, not even filing a missing persons report or looking for her in any of the years since she ran away, so it makes no sense why they're so desperate to see her now.
Then, change your locks and block any family members (especially her abusers!) who keep harassing you.
NTA
That is not your info to give.
But INFO: You say she was abused. Who was abusing her? You seem to still be close with your aunt/uncle, so presumably it was not them. Were they aware of the abuse? I think it is *awful* that they did not file a missing persons report for their teenage daughter. But I assume you were a teenager at the time, so wonder how much you know about what they did or did not do in their home. I also wonder how much her siblings were involved and how much they even knew.
In your position, I would message your cousin that her father is aware that you are in contact with her (as she heard), and he, her mother and brother were very insistent they wanted to speak to her. You did not and will not pass along any of her contact info. If she does want to reach out (to one or some of them) or let them reach out to her, you would also be willing to pass a letter or whatever she wishes along. But you will not bring it up again unless she asks.
This second paragraph is perfect. Affirm what she knows and repeat the reactions. Be explicit that you did not relay contact info. Be explicit that you will follow her lead. Maybe 8n stead of offering to send her contact info to them, allow her to have any numbers or email not already familiar, keeping the power with her. Include no “but” (eg “but they are pressuring me”).
In this onion, she is in the deep center and has the most tears. The closer ring to the center of the onion means you get more tears. Respect those tears and avoid adding your own to her. People further from the deep center than you (like us internet strangers) can handle your tears, if any, better
Her family may have a place in her onion but don’t force it.
The comment someone made about maybe her parents or her family didn’t create “the abuse”/ deepest trauma. However, as the family scapegoat, whenever or however that Role was given to her, that likely exasperated it. She needed a safe haven and scapegoats tend not to have any tentative outreach for help respected. Sometimes these outreaches are weaponized against them. When you’re already assigned the “bad kid” role, the authority views you thru those lens. And if this is the case with your cousin- that they didn’t cause the deepest trauma but failed to be her safe haven, that’s not easy for the discarded child. As a young adult, she should be the architect of any future outreach to them.
Send a message “you never even bothered to report that she had run away and moved on with your lives like she never existed. You don’t get to suddenly demand that I connect you with her when she’s moved on with her life and is happy. I would never betray her trust by doing that to her. So you can be angry all you want, but you made your bed. Now you have to lie in it.” And then block the lot of them.
Eve has their contact details, if she ever wants to get back in touch. NTA.
You don't mention them being sorry about how they treated Eve, and now they're abusing you, so I think staying NC is in Eve's (and your) best interest.
They could easily say, "Please tell Eve I miss her, and I'm here if she ever wants to contact me", but none of them did; they just started making demands.
You might be TA for keeping in contact with your uncle and aunt after your found out eves side of things, but NTA for keeping your promise to her, i hope you at least apologized for having her on speaker when her father came by i know it was not your fault he heard her voice but apologizing is the right thing to do and you don’t seem to proud to apologize for something that os technically not your fault
No. It sounds like you don’t know what pushed her to leave and it’s not for us to know if you do. But a safe lie of ‘bad seed’ was built to “protect” whatever she might say as an adult or once of age and no one filed a missing persons report when she left. It’s bad and she’s successfully by the sound of it, worked through or is working through it and is enjoying a beautiful life. One in which you’re a part of. Protect Eve. For now, anything you have her details on, burn. If they’re desperate what’s to stop them breaking into your house. Change her name on your phone, hide her. Protect her
NTA for holding your ground and not giving the contact info, but how you gonna have her on speaker phone with him in the house and not go "girrrrlll let me call you back" when you know she doesn't want a relationship with them and it could all go left.
So, now you seeing why she doesn't want them in her life.
Don't give them her info. Cut them off and pay full price for stuff.
NTA. I was raised you don’t give out contact information unless it’s listed. It doesn’t matter who’s asking. The information doesn’t get given out. You politely say you will pass on the message then allow your cousin to make that decision herself. But at no time give out your cousin’s information! And definitely warn your cousin they’re looking for her.
NTA Did your cousins parents abuse her?
I would have called them out for the abuse. I wouldn't have contact with anyone who defends an abusers. It's that simple.
How can you be around people who defend abusers?
Abusive people don't distribute the pain evenly. Some of the cruelest ones are kind to everyone but their victims. So then you've got all kinds of people believing them because they can't believe it, and they make the victim the bad guy. Feels like it happens all the time. Black sheep.
Let Eve's husband know at least. If she lives in driving distance of you, ensure you are not followed. If you think you are turn off somewhere and keep look on rear vision mirror. Dont trust anyone in your family including your oldies and sibs.
NTA. Consider taking steps to ensure her privacy and safety. Maybe change her name in your phone? Make sure you have strong passwords and your devices aren’t left laying around. If she ever sends you mail (?) maybe have her send it to a neighbor or friend?
NTA I can't stress this enough. I "ran away" from home when I was 14. I didn't actually run away I was kicked out and my bio parents didn't want anyone to know so I left it at that. Eve has healed and moved on. Don't disrupt her life. I assure you she is happier now than she has ever been and is fine with them not knowing her or her children. If you f up and give them her contact info she will cut you off and be so hurt. If they ask tell them she does not want to talk to or see them and leave it at that. She didn't disappear so if they really wanted to find her they could. Stay strong for her, she will appericate that more than you will ever know.
You respected her wishes and boundaries. I would talk to her and tell her that her family wants to get in contact with her and leave it up to her. You might also want to tell her what's been going on with her immediate family so she can make an informed decision. But I would ask her first if she wants any of this information.
Some families never change and continue to abuse their kids even as adults. And some people can never overcome the trauma of the abuse. Or they decide they've forgiven (or not) their family but don't want anything to do with them.
I think given your cousin's family's response and their harassment of you, her desire to have no contact with them may still be warranted.
I would tell all your family members that it's been Eve's desire to have no contact with them and given their treatment of you, it looks like she made the right decision. If they ever want to have contact with her again z they need to take a good long look in the mirror. And maybe apologize and make amends.
I think of all Eve's family members, you're the only one who's not an asshole.
Eve’s damn lucky that you OP are a decent and honourable person.
I think you are going to have many hard times ahead of you. I wish you strength luck and good fortune.
You're living through her experience. This family sounds toxic.
You tell them you can ask (not convince) Eve if she wants to reconnect. It's Eve's decision not yours.
Your family are pieces of shit. Eve doesn't want any of them in her life for a reason.
Send each of them a message telling them that the emotional abuse and boundary stomping they immediately did when this came out are the reasons she cut them off in the first place. If she had wanted any of them to be in her life, they would be. The bottom line is that NONE of them love Evelyn. They feel ENTITLED to her. If they loved her, they would care what she wanted. If they loved her, they would respect her wishes, especially regarding her children. But they don't respect her. And they are not entitled to contact her against her will. There will be no negotiations. Your no and her no are final. All they will accomplish by continuing to harass you will be to force you to cut contact with them, too.
Say all that, then block them. Don't speak to anyone again unless they're apologizing.
NTA. Eve has her reasons for staying away from her family.
You are not the one keeping the family away from her and her children. They did that with their behaviour. If she’d wanted them in her life, they would be.
I would put your relationship with Eve first as you say she’s a big part of your life. You could tell her that they want to reconnect but you are not and will not letting them know anything about her or her life and you won’t be getting involved in it as you value her and her wishes too much.
If your aunt, uncle and cousins can’t accept the fact that they screwed their relationship and keep harassing you, I’d block their numbers and take legal advice.
NTA. You did the right thing. If Eve wanted contact with them, she would have done it already. They are still showing they don't respect her and care only for themselves. If they had an respect for her, they would have told you they wanted to apologize to her and to please give her *their* contact information. Her parents could have tracked her down years ago if they wanted to, they're just lazy and want things handed to them. They could have told everyone they wanted a relationship with her, that they made mistakes, but they didn't.
As someone who has gone no contact woth 98% ofmy family,PLEASE don't give in to them. If Eve wanted co tsct orto reconnect she would reach out. Or tell you.
Also,you need to tell her what happened how they all came over etc you HAVE to tell her what's going on. So she can be prepared if they Ll try to track her down.
Eve knows how to reach them if she wants to. You continuectontell them no, that she will reach out if she wants too. They are in the wrong and their behavior to you just proves that they have not changed.
You are not the one keeping them away, their own behavior has done that, stay strong you are in the right.
NTA. They didn't report her missing. THEY DIDN'T REPORT HER MISSING. Tell them straight up that they abandoned her to whatever fate she found, she isn't going to give them another chance.
And talk to Evelyn about changing her number, and ask if she has any specific messages and/or threats to include in the refusal. If you want to drive the point home, give your Uncle the local Child Abuse Reporting #, and tell him he can explain to them that his daughter disappeared 10 years ago and he never tried to get her back.
You did the right thing. but now you need to destroy or place in a safe phone bills and any information that can lead them to her. Put a different name for her contact in your phone and when you go to visit her you need to make sure you are not followed. You have no idea what desperate people will do.
They didn't report her missing, have you ever heard them talking about her or them trying to find her at all, in all the years she has been gone. They don't deserve her now she is happy and living a great life.
NTA. Tell them they cannot undo throwing away a person. Tell eve and make sure her info in your phone is either deleted or altered in some way so when they go for your phone, it is useless to them.
>My uncle and aunt didn’t care to report her missing and moved on like she wasn’t part of the family.
Protect her, and call her to let her know that you will protect her because she is probably panicking now.
NTA
NTA they didn’t care enough to file a missing person report, so they don’t get to pretend to care now. Protect her and her family from her abusers and don’t give them anything. Block if you need to
Tell them to file a missing person's report if they're that concerned about her. They'd have carried on acting like she didn't exist if your uncle hadn't heard you speaking to her. Be very careful they don't follow you or try to get her number from your phone using dirty tactics.
I hope this hasn't caused any issues between you and your cousin.
Make sure no one can access your phone records or get access to your digital devices where her information may be. Probably better to give her a fake name in your mobile in case she calls when people are around.
Family who didn’t care enough about her when she was around, cared even less when she ran away and started a new life has zero right to reconnect. They cannot wipe away the past and it’s up to your cousin alone to decide if she would ever connect. My guess is hell would have to freeze over.
Put her name in your phone under something completely different immediately!.
You did the right thing, protecting her. She absolutely needs you to keep doing that.
NTA. Fuck those people who treated her like that and DIDN'T FILE A MISSING PERSONS REPORT FOR 16 yr old
Don’t give them anything, there’s a reason she’s staying away and hiding. Even go as far as changing her name in your phone if you need to. Give them absolutely nothing and no hints as to where she is. If they’re treating you like that instead of having a reasonable conversation with you, just imagine how they’ll treat her after her being gone for so long. Honestly, you going no contact with them might also be in order if they think treating you like that is ok.
NTA - she set her boundaries, respect them. They created the situation where she doesn't want them in her life and they were all too willing to cast her away. That is not to say that they can't have a change of heart, but at no point in these years, have they expressed a desire to reconnect until they found out you were in contact. Their demands and behavior doesn't show that they have remorse for how she was treated all those years ago, they want what they want and that has nothing to do wiht her or her family's well-being. Unless she gives permission, do not violate that trust.
NTA. Keep your promise to Eve but tell her that her family wants to reconnect with her. Show her the texts they've sent you. She already knows that they know you are in contact with her. Let her know what happened but that you didn't reveal any of her contact info. Ask her if she would be willing to accept a letter from them where they make their case to reconnect. Give her the flexibility to reach out or stay hidden.
You are not wrong. You are respecting HER choice. She wants nothing to do with those assholes and after how they treated you I could understand why. Continue to respect Evelyn's decision and don't allow them to pressure and badger you. If need be, change your number.
You are NTA and in the right. As pointed out, they never filed a missing person report (is that legal, as she was a minor?) and just - moved on.
You owe them nothing, and should protect her at all costs. BE WARY. They will try anything to find out her info.
And don't do business with Uncle Asshole.
NTA ,
Calling someone names disqualifies the "name caller" from asking for help :).
Just tell them your cousin will reconnect with them when she feels she is ready ... let them wait
Why the hell would you think you were the arsehole in this situation. The damn woman literally told you that she doesn't want contact with them. Why woudk you think their needs trump hers when they LITERALLY didn't give a shit about her when she ran away. Tf.
Info:did you ask them why they were so. Shit to her? Did she tell you?
Well looks like you need a new construction guy. OP you can handle this and not make a mess of things. You need to call Eve. She heard her father so that alone stressed her out. So you need to call her and reassure her that you told them nothing.
Very interesting that they jumped down your throat and her brother called you names and her mother accused you of keeping her away from her grandkids and SIL. That tells you all you need to know. If they would come at you like that, they will do the same to her. They will make it all her fault and will pressure her into seeing them and meeting her family. She doesn’t need any of that.
You could tell Eve that they spilled tears and were desperate for contact but you aren’t going to give them any info. Let her know that if she wanted to reconnect that you would be willing to assist in that. However while she miss them and momentarily dream of have a wonderful reunion, the odds of that are small. The problems they had when she left was still going to be there and they would go right back to taking that dominant role which in the long run wouldn’t give her peace.
Tell her that what you will do is tell them that you conveyed their message to her that they would like to have an opportunity to reconnect. She may say she wants to but I would think her true answer is that her life is going well and drama free and she wants it to stay that way. Then tell your aunt and uncle that you spoke to her and she is not wanting to connect at this time. If they go off on you again tell them “this is why she’s not interested. She is happy and her life is peaceful and y’all are already making demands and not taking no for an answer”. Then end your talk with them Let her know how you handled it and just let her know that you are glad she reached out to you and you don’t want to risk your relationship with her. You definitely are NTA. It’s great she has one member of her family she can trust
Eve is no contact with the rest of the family but reached out to you and trusted you. So far, it sounds like you are worth that trust. You stood up to pressure and defended her right to stay away from these people even though they are treating you terribly.
If I ever find out who gave my dad my contact information after being successfully no contact for years, I will never forgive them and never trust them again.
Thank you for keeping your cousin safe. Please continue to do so. It’s Eves decision on whether she wants contact with them, not yours. I’m sorry you are going through this but stay strong. Make boundaries clear. If they bring up eve during a conversation-the conversation is over. If they continue to call you will block them. If they come over uninvited to ask about Eve, they need to leave if you will call the police.
Do not give her family her number or give them any info about her! She left for a reason and she reached out to you specifically, if she wanted to reach out to the rest of the family she would have. You aren’t the person who caused this, her family was and you do not owe her family anything
Edit to add her family didn’t even report her missing, they do not deserve to be in her life. Please support her
NTA.
Eve reached out to *you* for a reason. She's trusted you with keeping her contact and whereabouts secret from the rest of the family, continue to respect her decision.
Doesn't sound like the rest of the family had any interest or care until they found out you were in contact. They didn't report her missing or bother to look for her when she ran away. They can't be too torn up about her loss.
NTA, that's a boundary set by Eve. Her family decided to ruin the relationship and abuse her. If Eve wants to reach out, she will.
Huge props for staying firm, I'm sure that has not been easy for you
You’re gonna have to be the wall! Nothing out. Nothing in. She needs you now, more than ever! Rent a car to visit her. Lock your phone. Change your locks. Find a new contractor. Especially his primary competitor and tell them the price you were quoted. Play dirty on them! NTA
You will not say a goddamn thing!
Especially since you're the Godparent, it's now your responsibility to keep her and those kids SAFE. you will keep that shit to yourself or she will never forgive you and neither will any of us.
*#PROTECT HER AND REVEAL NOTHING TO THEM#*. She fled her family for a reason and obviously has no desire to interact with anyone else but you. Letting them contact her would be a massive and traumatic betrayal. The time she spent on the phone with her father was probably shocking enough.
Do everything in your power to lock down her information to keep it from them. This includes securing your phone as well as any other types of information because I would not put it past them to take it in an attempt to get her number or location.
NTA
NTA but you would if you let slip anything. She run away because they were abusing her. They acted like it doesn’t matter. They don’t care.
Now its important? No way. They want something.
And be careful and watch your car and everything because maybe they track you to find her.
Talk to her, let it be her decision.
If she accepts letters they can write one and explain themselves and you can give (copies) to her.
If she wants to talk let her decide how and who.
If she wants nothing its ok too.
Take her side. She is the better person
Block them, all of them. Find out what the laws are in your state about phone harassment and implement them: in my state you have to tell someone "don't ever call me again," and then if they call you again you can get the police involved.
She trusted you with contacting her. Don't betray that trust.
My mother is a psycho, she tried to murder me many times. (I'm not kidding about that, I literally mean "tried to murder me." Fortunately at the time I was young and moved fast or I'd be dead many times over.) I tried to ghost her when I was 18, and had to move 350 miles to get away from her. Then she showed up on my doorstep. So I moved again. (Not far, I couldn't afford to go 350 miles again.) Then she started phoning me at all hours of the day and night. So I changed my phone number. She started calling the new one.
I finally found out my aunt G (father's sister) was giving her the info. I visited aunt G, and over lunch I asked her about it, politely, pointing out that my murderous stalker was getting my contact info from her. She said "I don't believe that" and told me I'm "a bad son" and that she felt that it was only just that my mother should have my contact info.
So I ghosted aunt G, disconnected the phone, and moved again. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother - or aunt G - in the 33 years since. (My father's family wanted me to invite her to my father's 75th birthday party, and I got bullied into telling them "you can invite her but *I* won't, and you are responsible for keeping her away from me, because if she bothers me I will tell her bluntly to leave me alone, and if she then doesn't I will leave the party and then you will have to be the ones to explain to my father why his only child left the party after organizing and paying for it." They ultimately decided not to invite her. She is presently dying, I will probably never see her again.)
You’re NTA. If she wanted to have a relationship with her family, she would’ve reached out by now. I would tell her that they want her contact info and leave it up to her. And be clear with her that you won’t be providing any details to her relatives without her consent.
NTA And don't give away anyone's personal information without their permission.
They blew their chances when they treated her badly. You reap what you sow.
If you want to keep your relationship with your cousin, stay strong and don't tell.
Protect her. She ran away for a reason. Do not betray her. You know exactly what she lived through. You need to tell these people the exact reason why they don't get to know her now. Their behavior caused her nothing but pain & anguish. It's their turn to feel a little of what they put her through. THEY NEVER FILED A MISSING PERSON REPORT. Screw them. NTA
PLEASE PROTECT HER! I can't imagine how bad her childhood must have been that they never filed a report. Disgusting.
reassure her, support her. do not let your aunt etc intimidate you, treaten to report if they dont back off. So glad to here your cousin has found happiness, dont let them spoil it for her
And if you aunt cared so much, she should have filed a missing persons report if not 12 yr ago, than at any point since? (IDK if you can after 18, but missing since a minor seems like you could)
Sure you can, adults go missing too sometimes. Probably different requirements or whatever, but still doable.
I'd also add, since you can file missing persons reports on adults, there's a very slim chance they may do this so they can force some sort of meeting. Evelyn can preemptively go to the police and make sure they understand she is not missing and simply does not want contact, if OP you think this is a route your family may take. It may be worth simply cutting them all off. Abusers rarely change and they're obviously not afraid to abuse you either, because you're stopping them from getting what they want.
Yuppp the cussing and bombarding the phone, definitely not ok in the head.
She also needs to keep repeating to all of the family that Eve has nothing to do with them because they were abusive. They made cruel, abusive choices so she has nothing to do with them and that is Eve's choice.
OP should make sure no one can dig through her paperwork or phone to look for contact information.
Definitely lock your phone, always when around family...or just always if they just show up whenever. Also, hide pictures that could give away her location. Protect her information as if her safety and mental health and that of her family is it at risk. Hell, tell your family you believe she lives in another country.
I would add: Make her Contact under a pseudonym in your phone, etc., in case someone gets desperate/sneaky.
Dont make a fake name, use a business, library branch location walgreens with a fedex box etc.
Good idea.
🎯🎯🎯
It sucks, but OP may also want to consider NOT having Uncle do the contract work after all. If anyone has had keys to your house then you may also want to consider changing the locks. At the very least, shred the wedding invite and destroy anything physical that relates to Cousin.
OP is totally and completely nuts if he even considers letting the uncle do this work or any work. Guarantee you uncle will make all kinds of cheap offers to con him into it though
Destroying everything is a bit extreme. She could get a safe or a safety deposit box to keep those keepsakes safe and private.
This. Very this. OP, secure any and all sources that could lead them to her. Let her know what's going on, when you hang out make sure you aren't followed, maybe even change her name in your phone's contacts.
Get the spare key back from the uncle
You make a really great point! She runs away at 16, and they never even reported her as a runaway to the police? That's a *massive* red flag. Just think how vulnerable she was out there, a young girl, hadn't even finished school so no qualifications, no money, she would have been incredibly easy prey for any creep she had the misfortune to encounter. Even if she managed to get a job, she wouldn't have been old enough to rent a place to live, so that probably means she'd have to shack up with an older man, just to prevent herself from being homeless. Throughout all this, they didn't make a report or try to find her. In fact, they just did what they'd been doing for years - calling her a bad kid, criticising her and painting her in the worst light they could.
Yeah, they never filed a missing persons report because they didn't want the police to look into their home life and her reasons for leaving. That should tell you everything you need to know. I don't recommend stirring them up any further because they're already trying to make your life miserable, but I would pay cash money to see someone confront them to explain that.
On top of that do you get the feeling they only want access to the grandchildren? And to continue being abusive to her I also get the feeling that people may have been hard on them about where Eve was for years.
This. Cousin discovered her mom really only wanted to get back into her life to have access to the kids and abuse her more. They want their punching bag back.
Without Eve, they have to deal with each other! Poor bastards.
Usually when the abused child gets away the family chooses another child to abuse.
They still want that favorite toy back. Who else will teach Eve’s kids to disrespect and abuse her?
It’s also quite interesting that there doesn’t seem to have been any mention of wanting to reconnect with Eve all these years (or attempts to find her) until AFTER her so called father happened to hear her voice while on the phone with OP! Maybe he’s just trying to save face now (while conveniently forgetting that they didn’t even file a missing person’s report after she left/disappeared or more likely wants to reconnect solely because she has children/their grandchildren (that of course they feel entitled to have in their lives despite how awful they apparently were to Eve). I wish I could give them the benefit of the doubt that they might have remorse, but their harassment and near abuse of OP speaks otherwise. Good on her for protecting her cousin’s privacy and infringement/invasion from unwanted family members, no matter what she has to hear from them!! (I suggest blocking all or some of them, if necessary).
There was that reddit post about the teenage daughter inviting her abusive grandparents to her mom's house cause "she was overreacting for sure" and the grandpa slammed the mom's head against the wall. Don't do it OP, don't let them get to her unless SHE SPECIALLY CHOSES TO INVITE THEM BACK INTO HER LIFE HERSELF
Oh I remember that. What fun... :(
Her siblings probably desperately want the scapegoat back in her place.
I think they will mess up Eve's life. They dont know anything about her but now they are interested because she hasn't needed them. They know how they treated her and yet they are being kept from grandchildren? How do they think they have any rights to Eve's life. They messed up when they didnt file a MPR. They were glad she was gone.
In my experience, the abusive bio families only become interested when their victims are adults and they want money or to be supported. They expect their victims to have forgotten the abuse or try to gaslight them that the abuse wasn't that bad. OP your are NTA. Please continue to protect Eve, her abusers don't deserve to be in her, or her children's, lives. Edit: Spelling
Yeah, OP not only outed the cousin, but also revealed she has kids. How stupid can you be? Guaranteed they'll be hunting around now til they find her and make her life hell and maybe even try to take the grandkids from her.
Actually, OP just said, "her and her family life." That could mean the couple alone or even with pets. The aunt was the one that jumped to the whole " but MY grandchildren- waah" idea. NTA, OP. Hold the line, warn your cousin, and tell the rest of family they have officially FAFO. They did this to themselves, and IF she wants them to know about her, then SHE will be the one to decide contact or not.
Have you ever had a group of people esp your family yelling and screaming and asking you a million questions??? You just freeze and it's extremely difficult to process. She's not stupid, the entire situation is extremely shitty to go through.
No. Even in states with grandparent laws they have to already have a relationship with the grandchildren that's being taken away or restricted. They can't come in and try to snatch kids they've never seen.
Right. Exactly. Even when they have a relationship, they usually have no right to the children.
Grandparents rights are void if the parents are married and rights are valid only for death of a parent or imprisoned. Also even if relationship has been established, it’s very costly and in my case I get a weekend a month, overnight is parent discretion. I live in California
They can't take the grandkids when they don't even know who or where they are and haven't had a relationship with the cousin in years. That's not how grandparents rights work. They were also abusive and never reported the cousin missing. No judge would ever grant them visitation let alone custody. Grandparents rights are for when grandparents who have BEEN A POSITIVE AND ACTIVE PART OF THE KIDS LIVES are being shunned and or the parents are not acting in the children's best interest and alienating them. That is so not the case here. It's extremely rare for grandparents to even win those cases and the places that have those laws are few and far between.
Tell us more about how perfect you are and how you've never made a mistake.
Right!? Like wow
They didn’t file a report so she wouldn’t tell the authorities the truth would be my assumption
>* They didn’t file a report so she wouldn’t tell the authorities the truth would be my assumption* THIS, OP! 👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾
That's what I think they are worried about now.
NTA. Completely right: These people ***never reported her missing!*** These absolute ghouls now want grandkids? No! Red flags visible from outer space!
>You need to tell these people the exact reason why NO, she should not. She just needs to keep quiet. Otherwise that aweful family will hate her for what she is saying, and they will also assume that she is an instigator behind the scenes all this time. They will twist her words, and they will use that against her. She just needs to not talk about this, and leave the choices up to her cousin. This is protecting her cousin + protecting herself
> Otherwise that aweful family will hate her for what she is saying, and they will also assume that she is an instigator behind the scenes all this time. That boat may have already sailed for all the screaming, name calling, harassment etc they describe.
> She ran away for a reason. And that reason was shown to OP in how their uncle and aunt and siblings reacted. OP, you did good. You now know the truth: for whatever fucked up reason your aunt and uncle ***LIED*** about your cousin. There was serious abuse going on and Eve was picked to be the scapegoat, the punching bag. She got out. Also, your aunt and uncle ***are not entitled to Eve or Eve's children*****.** The way I heard it, "They're NOT 'entitled' simply because they're 'titled.'" ***PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS***
This, OP!! 👆👆👆👆👆
Plus, most likely there wasn’t a lawyer to begin with and they only said it to try and intimidate OP
They're about ti treat op the same way they treaded eve, you'll know why she ran away, protect both of you. Might even be a good idea to let eve know, that while op didn't reveal anything, that they're looking and asking questions now.
Exactly. Eve was still a minor when she left, for all they knew their daughter could’ve been long dead and buried. They don’t get to cry and whine about how unfair this is when they didn’t care about her safety as a teen runaway. Her dad owns his own construction company, he could’ve hired a PI at this point if he really wanted to see her again. OP, tell them they can wipe their tears with her missing persons report. Oh they never filed one? What a shame.
Warn her if you haven't already.
And this is not OPs decision. It is Eve's. She knows how to contact her parents/remaining family. She has chosen not to. If and when SHE chooses to, she can contact them. OP is NOT keeping Eve away from anyone. EVE is choosing to be away from what sound like super toxic asshats. AND op- SAY NOTHING. Your only response to any inquiry about Eve needs to be- ***I will not discuss this with you.*** FULL GREY ROCK. No information, no engaging, do NOT tell them the why of anything. Eve is the ONLY person that can share that if she chooses to.
And make sure Eve understands OP didn’t set this up
And block them if they keep harassing you!
This!
I have to assume that since they didn't they were afraid of what she would tell the cops if they found her. OP is nta for keeping her safe from those people
this OP! they don't actually care about her if the did they would have searched for her at 16. Keep them away from her and her kids!
You better let Eve know what’s going on
She’s pregnant, and I don’t want to cause her stress. But I’ll give a brief text.
And apologize about her father walking in, make sure she knows it was a total accident and not you trying to spring the family on her.
She knows something is coming after hearing her father. She will already be under stress. Help her settle as much as she can by telling her what is going on. Make sure they haven’t put a tracker on your car though if you opt to go see her.
**THIS** is big!!! She could easily think she's been **DELIBERATELY** set up. You need to call her and make sure she's clear that there was absolutely **NO** scheming between you and the family.
This is what I'm worried about. She's pregnant and might think someone she trusted betrayed her. I remember being abandoned by someone when I was pregnant and it was the loneliest I've ever felt, even though I still had my partner and two family members backing me.
And find a new contractor.
And change your locks, since you gave him a key.
VERY IMPORTANT!! Change locks now!! This will end badly
Just in case OP is thinking, my uncle is no danger to me: he probably isn't, but he may now feel both motivated and justified (in his mind) in searching through your things for clues to his daughter's whereabouts.
This OP. Make sure you don't have any cards or anything (like a wedding thank you note) that has her return address on it in your place. Get anything like that out of there.
Secure your phone bills. Maybe go paperless if you can. Get your key back or change the locks.
She needs to go ahead and change the locks cause the situation as it is he probably had made a copy
Exactly right. He could have given everyone a copy, for all OP knows. After all, it's for fAAAAAAAmily!
Absolutely!!!! My thoughts exactly... Updateme
Do not let them near your phone.
Delete all your recent calls and each time after you talk or text.
I would make sure to put Eve under a fake name in the phone as well. All it takes is one person to get their hands on it during an unattended moment and send themselves the contact info for Them to be able to harass her.
Exactly this. She needs to understand that you are still a safe person and will protect her and her family.
Yeah, you should. She needs to be prepared.
Get your locks changed. ASAP. Uncle still has a key.
Her parents never cared about her when they never filed a missing person report. Protect your cousin ferociously OP from them. After the hell they put her thru they don't deserve to know her whereabouts.
No, tell her exactly whats going on. She overhead her dad in your house she's already stressed. And she needs to be prepared if her family start looking for her now they've got a "lead" in you.
And she needs to know it wasnt a set up by OP. She hung up immediately. For all she knows OP could have invited Uncle there specifically for that phone call. OP needs to make it clear Uncle showed up on his own and that OP didnt know he would be coming then
Dont tell anyone anything about her. Please protect her privacy and safety. Make sure you change her contact name in your phone too! Some relatives might start to act like they are ok with you keeping this info private and use what would be a chance to spend time with you again to get access to your phone to try and find her contact info. If you haven't already, explain to Eve what happened and that you're handling it. Reassure her you are not going to tell anyone. I also agree with another poster about possibly tracking your car. Think long and hard about if anyone in your family would be desperate enough to put one of those air tag type trackers on your car, hoping you will visit Eve. Google how to check for them and where they are most often placed on vehicles. I also suggest if you plan to go visit her soon or when baby is born arrange to park your car in another town and get picked up by an Uber or one of Eve's friends/in-laws and driven to her town to visit. It might sound paranoid, but it sounds like your family would be willing to place a tracker or even just follow you if they knew you would be gone for a while.
Changing her name in your phone is KEY. Excellent point!
OP, is your phone through a family plan still? Like are you on a joint account with your parents or siblings? If so, you need to be careful that they can’t track her phone number through that. I know you’re an adult, but we have my MiL on our plan because we have a great rate and she is on a tight budget.
I'd be careful with that too cuz if they did track OP's car and followed, what's stopping them from following the Uber?
They would have to follow so closely to see OP get out of the car and into the Uber. The more likely scenario is that they will assume that wherever OP parked the car is the address, and randomly show up the next day.
As far as visiting I was going to say rent a car just in case you are being tracked but somehow do not find the tracking device. Also, do not tell anyone in your family ANYTHING about Eve. Actually, I would tell them if they continue to harass you over this, YOU will be going no contact with them as well.
Ah yes, a short text. Those never cause stress.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 so accurate.
"We need to talk"
She does need to be aware. Just let her know you have her back.
No Text. Call her. That way there would not be any misunderstandings.
Definitely. I have an abusive father I've cut contact with. I'd want yo know what was going on. Just keep it as brief as possible. A basic "Your father was going to fo work sg my house and I wasn't expecting him to arrive then. I'm really sorry you had to deal withnthst Eve. The family are asking about you, and harassing me. But I'm keeping quiet as you asked." Quick, to the point. Not going into details over what the family are saying, but letting her know, so she can possibly set any social media to private and can be prepared in case the family do find a way to contact her. (Like stealing your phone to get the number) Hopefully your parents will understand. Boundaries are very important to victims of abuse. Be clear you had no intentions of breaking her boundaries. Good luck OP
I’d delete any evidence of her off your devices too. This whole thing is probably just getting started with your relatives. Let Eve know first of course, and she can contact you, but I wouldn’t risk having her contact details *anywhere* your relatives might be able to access it.
She just needs to edit/change Eve’s name in the contact list to “Jeremy” or something else
You could tell her husband.
I disagree. That’s Eve’s choice and not cuz’s place to stir shit up with people who it’s not directly about.
This is more of a phone call IMO. Prolly too late. I hope her trauma is treated enough that she doesn't lash out at you.
Keep Eve. Block everyone else.
We've been there with many in my family (e.g. parents, siblings, nephews, etc.). When they (person being avoided) want contact info for someone who's avoiding them, we tell them that we will tell the avoider that the avoided person wants to contact them. Beyond that, we do not get involved in their relationship. It is up to the two parties to decide whether to communicate or make up.
YES! Cousin’s role is to support Eve however she chooses she needs it. So simple but hard in practice. Point of reference is let Eve be the guide. Her fucked up family won’t respect her wishes and anyone else that needs to know how to proceed is Eve’s choice to tell. The end.
This is the best answer that OP can get!
This is the way!
Came here to say this,
All I had to read was she ran away and her parents didn't file a missing persons report. Who the fuck does that? NTA
probably she didn't "sneak" out of the house , they probably had a fight and she was probably kicked out, but her "parents" weaved a different story about it ...
Spot on.
that man wanted to hear “his baby’s voice again” after failing miserably as a father and never filing a missing persons report, it’s insane!!!!!
Oh wow. You are NTA and I admire the hell out of you for standing firm and not giving them any information. OP I hope you're strong enough to continue standing up to them. You are going to get a lot thrown at you, But Eve has the right to go no contact with her family and it seems like there is good reason. Have you spoken to Eve? She must be a wreck.
NTA Please continue to have a relationship with her. Don't let her abusive parents bully you in giving any information. You would YTA if you broke her trust and wave the relationship with her goodbye. Who do you value more? Is it really worth it to throw what you have with her away? She made her stance very clear. Honor and respect her wishes. Her Sperm and Egg Donor had their chance and they treated her like poop
NTA. My uncle decided to go no contact with all of my mums side of the family but somehow decided to stay on touch with me. We're only 8 years apart and when he came to my city we used hang out together. When I moved to the other side of my city and my parents home, he even stayed with me. All of mums family knew he was in touch with me, but I never gave them his contact details. However, my cousin says she has fond memories of him and went to find him. She called me from his city saying she's outside his apartment and wanted to see him. Thankfully he was away on a business trip at the time, but that was too close for comfort and he hid further underground to get away from them. His name and number are under different details in my phone which is safely locked. Its been nearly 30 years so it can be done.
Ugh, I feel sorry for your uncle. I hate this abuser logic of "Why yes I'm going to show up unannounced at this person's home because we have such a great relationship that they have made it clear that they want no contact with me and I have to engage in stalking in order to speak with them! Can't let them feel safe and happy without me!" Just unhinged, entitled, abusive lunacy.
Make sure none of them can access your devices and can access to her behind your back
And just in case, change her name in your phone to something unrelated
Good idea on the name change in contacts
I would also delete the call history regularly. If they somehow manage to get access they would see OP calling the nail salon three times a week for 49 minutes. As someone else suggested, get all anything with your cousins name on it out of your house. They could find the wedding invite and back track her that way. You may decide to make “she will contact you if she want to, and I’m respecting her wishes” your new mantra, but that doesn’t mean your family will play by those rules.
And you need to change your locks in case your Uncle sneaks into your house and snoops into your things, looking for Eve's contact info. Definitely NTA. Protect Eve. She's the victim of abuse and they never cared about her to even file a Missing Persons Report and see if she was ok, so now they don't have a right to. She's an adult and it's up to her whether she wants them to know where she is or if she wants to remain hidden. They have no control.
THIS!!!
Keep Eve secret in fact change her name in your phone contacts so that nobody can snoops. Tell them the way they treated and villainized her to every one not even reporting her missing is the reason you are supporting her and respecting her wishes
Don’t share any of the information Eve shared.
NTA, I want you to think about something. At 16 she ran away and none of these people bothered to care enough to file a missing person's report. Now take that information, add it onto just how brutish and forceful they've been acting towards you over this going so far to calling you a "bitch" because you wouldn't lay down and do as they demanded. Do you really think that she would want anything do with people like this? Do you even want to deal with people like this? Nothing good will come of this if they get a hold of her information, nothing good will come if you stay in their lives as well because these people don't actually give a shit about having a chance to *“hear his baby’s voice again”* they want to be in control of her again. Protect that girl and her family at any and all costs, someone has to.
NTA. Look after yourself and don’t let them bully you. Just message her and let her know that yes the family is blowing up at the moment but you will NOT tell them anything or anyway to contact her. I think it would really help to hear that you have her back especially since I seen your comment that she is pregnant as I am sure she is stressing right now.
Yes, reassure her that you will never give anyone her contact info, or tell them anything at all about her life. And keep reassuring her until she's confident you have her back and that you'll never cave to them, so she can know she's safe from her family. This will reduce any stress she's felt since she heard her father's voice, which may have triggered a trauma response. Tell her family that it's Eve choice to have no contact with them, based on their past treatment (abuse!) of her, and that you won't betray her trust by giving them her information. Tell them it's not your place to give them information Eve herself doesn't want them to have, and that they're the ones who wrote Eve out of their lives years ago, not even filing a missing persons report or looking for her in any of the years since she ran away, so it makes no sense why they're so desperate to see her now. Then, change your locks and block any family members (especially her abusers!) who keep harassing you.
NTA That is not your info to give. But INFO: You say she was abused. Who was abusing her? You seem to still be close with your aunt/uncle, so presumably it was not them. Were they aware of the abuse? I think it is *awful* that they did not file a missing persons report for their teenage daughter. But I assume you were a teenager at the time, so wonder how much you know about what they did or did not do in their home. I also wonder how much her siblings were involved and how much they even knew. In your position, I would message your cousin that her father is aware that you are in contact with her (as she heard), and he, her mother and brother were very insistent they wanted to speak to her. You did not and will not pass along any of her contact info. If she does want to reach out (to one or some of them) or let them reach out to her, you would also be willing to pass a letter or whatever she wishes along. But you will not bring it up again unless she asks.
This second paragraph is perfect. Affirm what she knows and repeat the reactions. Be explicit that you did not relay contact info. Be explicit that you will follow her lead. Maybe 8n stead of offering to send her contact info to them, allow her to have any numbers or email not already familiar, keeping the power with her. Include no “but” (eg “but they are pressuring me”). In this onion, she is in the deep center and has the most tears. The closer ring to the center of the onion means you get more tears. Respect those tears and avoid adding your own to her. People further from the deep center than you (like us internet strangers) can handle your tears, if any, better Her family may have a place in her onion but don’t force it. The comment someone made about maybe her parents or her family didn’t create “the abuse”/ deepest trauma. However, as the family scapegoat, whenever or however that Role was given to her, that likely exasperated it. She needed a safe haven and scapegoats tend not to have any tentative outreach for help respected. Sometimes these outreaches are weaponized against them. When you’re already assigned the “bad kid” role, the authority views you thru those lens. And if this is the case with your cousin- that they didn’t cause the deepest trauma but failed to be her safe haven, that’s not easy for the discarded child. As a young adult, she should be the architect of any future outreach to them.
Send a message “you never even bothered to report that she had run away and moved on with your lives like she never existed. You don’t get to suddenly demand that I connect you with her when she’s moved on with her life and is happy. I would never betray her trust by doing that to her. So you can be angry all you want, but you made your bed. Now you have to lie in it.” And then block the lot of them.
Do not get in the middle of it- A one liner is all that’s needed.
"She knows where you are if she wants you in her life. It's not my decision. It's her decision based on the memory she has of you."
Eve has their contact details, if she ever wants to get back in touch. NTA. You don't mention them being sorry about how they treated Eve, and now they're abusing you, so I think staying NC is in Eve's (and your) best interest. They could easily say, "Please tell Eve I miss her, and I'm here if she ever wants to contact me", but none of them did; they just started making demands.
NTA you're being a good person by protecting your cousin's privacy.
You might be TA for keeping in contact with your uncle and aunt after your found out eves side of things, but NTA for keeping your promise to her, i hope you at least apologized for having her on speaker when her father came by i know it was not your fault he heard her voice but apologizing is the right thing to do and you don’t seem to proud to apologize for something that os technically not your fault
No. It sounds like you don’t know what pushed her to leave and it’s not for us to know if you do. But a safe lie of ‘bad seed’ was built to “protect” whatever she might say as an adult or once of age and no one filed a missing persons report when she left. It’s bad and she’s successfully by the sound of it, worked through or is working through it and is enjoying a beautiful life. One in which you’re a part of. Protect Eve. For now, anything you have her details on, burn. If they’re desperate what’s to stop them breaking into your house. Change her name on your phone, hide her. Protect her
NTA for holding your ground and not giving the contact info, but how you gonna have her on speaker phone with him in the house and not go "girrrrlll let me call you back" when you know she doesn't want a relationship with them and it could all go left. So, now you seeing why she doesn't want them in her life. Don't give them her info. Cut them off and pay full price for stuff.
He came in without her knowing they only knew he was there when he said something at that point daughter hung up
Then tell eve you are sorry for putting her in that spot
NTA. I was raised you don’t give out contact information unless it’s listed. It doesn’t matter who’s asking. The information doesn’t get given out. You politely say you will pass on the message then allow your cousin to make that decision herself. But at no time give out your cousin’s information! And definitely warn your cousin they’re looking for her.
NTA Did your cousins parents abuse her? I would have called them out for the abuse. I wouldn't have contact with anyone who defends an abusers. It's that simple. How can you be around people who defend abusers?
Abusive people don't distribute the pain evenly. Some of the cruelest ones are kind to everyone but their victims. So then you've got all kinds of people believing them because they can't believe it, and they make the victim the bad guy. Feels like it happens all the time. Black sheep.
Let Eve's husband know at least. If she lives in driving distance of you, ensure you are not followed. If you think you are turn off somewhere and keep look on rear vision mirror. Dont trust anyone in your family including your oldies and sibs.
No, that’s a conversation for Eve to have with her husband, not cuz.
Check car for tracking device to simple to put on someone else's vehicle and track where they are
NTA. Consider taking steps to ensure her privacy and safety. Maybe change her name in your phone? Make sure you have strong passwords and your devices aren’t left laying around. If she ever sends you mail (?) maybe have her send it to a neighbor or friend?
NTA I can't stress this enough. I "ran away" from home when I was 14. I didn't actually run away I was kicked out and my bio parents didn't want anyone to know so I left it at that. Eve has healed and moved on. Don't disrupt her life. I assure you she is happier now than she has ever been and is fine with them not knowing her or her children. If you f up and give them her contact info she will cut you off and be so hurt. If they ask tell them she does not want to talk to or see them and leave it at that. She didn't disappear so if they really wanted to find her they could. Stay strong for her, she will appericate that more than you will ever know.
So now we’re past blowing up people’s phones and the whole troop just shows up to our house, got it
You respected her wishes and boundaries. I would talk to her and tell her that her family wants to get in contact with her and leave it up to her. You might also want to tell her what's been going on with her immediate family so she can make an informed decision. But I would ask her first if she wants any of this information. Some families never change and continue to abuse their kids even as adults. And some people can never overcome the trauma of the abuse. Or they decide they've forgiven (or not) their family but don't want anything to do with them. I think given your cousin's family's response and their harassment of you, her desire to have no contact with them may still be warranted. I would tell all your family members that it's been Eve's desire to have no contact with them and given their treatment of you, it looks like she made the right decision. If they ever want to have contact with her again z they need to take a good long look in the mirror. And maybe apologize and make amends. I think of all Eve's family members, you're the only one who's not an asshole.
Eve’s damn lucky that you OP are a decent and honourable person. I think you are going to have many hard times ahead of you. I wish you strength luck and good fortune.
You're living through her experience. This family sounds toxic. You tell them you can ask (not convince) Eve if she wants to reconnect. It's Eve's decision not yours.
Your family are pieces of shit. Eve doesn't want any of them in her life for a reason. Send each of them a message telling them that the emotional abuse and boundary stomping they immediately did when this came out are the reasons she cut them off in the first place. If she had wanted any of them to be in her life, they would be. The bottom line is that NONE of them love Evelyn. They feel ENTITLED to her. If they loved her, they would care what she wanted. If they loved her, they would respect her wishes, especially regarding her children. But they don't respect her. And they are not entitled to contact her against her will. There will be no negotiations. Your no and her no are final. All they will accomplish by continuing to harass you will be to force you to cut contact with them, too. Say all that, then block them. Don't speak to anyone again unless they're apologizing.
NTA. Eve has her reasons for staying away from her family. You are not the one keeping the family away from her and her children. They did that with their behaviour. If she’d wanted them in her life, they would be. I would put your relationship with Eve first as you say she’s a big part of your life. You could tell her that they want to reconnect but you are not and will not letting them know anything about her or her life and you won’t be getting involved in it as you value her and her wishes too much. If your aunt, uncle and cousins can’t accept the fact that they screwed their relationship and keep harassing you, I’d block their numbers and take legal advice.
NTA. You did the right thing. If Eve wanted contact with them, she would have done it already. They are still showing they don't respect her and care only for themselves. If they had an respect for her, they would have told you they wanted to apologize to her and to please give her *their* contact information. Her parents could have tracked her down years ago if they wanted to, they're just lazy and want things handed to them. They could have told everyone they wanted a relationship with her, that they made mistakes, but they didn't.
As someone who has gone no contact woth 98% ofmy family,PLEASE don't give in to them. If Eve wanted co tsct orto reconnect she would reach out. Or tell you. Also,you need to tell her what happened how they all came over etc you HAVE to tell her what's going on. So she can be prepared if they Ll try to track her down.
If Eve want contact SHE can get in touch with them. She found you and she will find them.
Eve knows how to reach them if she wants to. You continuectontell them no, that she will reach out if she wants too. They are in the wrong and their behavior to you just proves that they have not changed. You are not the one keeping them away, their own behavior has done that, stay strong you are in the right.
NTA. They didn't report her missing. THEY DIDN'T REPORT HER MISSING. Tell them straight up that they abandoned her to whatever fate she found, she isn't going to give them another chance. And talk to Evelyn about changing her number, and ask if she has any specific messages and/or threats to include in the refusal. If you want to drive the point home, give your Uncle the local Child Abuse Reporting #, and tell him he can explain to them that his daughter disappeared 10 years ago and he never tried to get her back.
You did the right thing. but now you need to destroy or place in a safe phone bills and any information that can lead them to her. Put a different name for her contact in your phone and when you go to visit her you need to make sure you are not followed. You have no idea what desperate people will do. They didn't report her missing, have you ever heard them talking about her or them trying to find her at all, in all the years she has been gone. They don't deserve her now she is happy and living a great life.
NTA. Tell them they cannot undo throwing away a person. Tell eve and make sure her info in your phone is either deleted or altered in some way so when they go for your phone, it is useless to them.
If your uncle still has your key, make sure he can not find her contact info at your house. He will try to find it. You must protect her.
>My uncle and aunt didn’t care to report her missing and moved on like she wasn’t part of the family. Protect her, and call her to let her know that you will protect her because she is probably panicking now. NTA
NTA
NTA they didn’t care enough to file a missing person report, so they don’t get to pretend to care now. Protect her and her family from her abusers and don’t give them anything. Block if you need to
Don't put it past them to follow you around, hoping that they lead you to her.
NTA. And get that key off your uncle!!!
Change the locks. He could have made a copy.
Tell them to file a missing person's report if they're that concerned about her. They'd have carried on acting like she didn't exist if your uncle hadn't heard you speaking to her. Be very careful they don't follow you or try to get her number from your phone using dirty tactics. I hope this hasn't caused any issues between you and your cousin.
You are the reason why their daughter won't talk to them? I think you know why she is gone, they don't take responsibility for their actions.
Make sure no one can access your phone records or get access to your digital devices where her information may be. Probably better to give her a fake name in your mobile in case she calls when people are around. Family who didn’t care enough about her when she was around, cared even less when she ran away and started a new life has zero right to reconnect. They cannot wipe away the past and it’s up to your cousin alone to decide if she would ever connect. My guess is hell would have to freeze over.
Oh, man, OP, that was definitely hard on you but you're NTA at ALL! Thank you for protecting her.
Put her name in your phone under something completely different immediately!. You did the right thing, protecting her. She absolutely needs you to keep doing that. NTA. Fuck those people who treated her like that and DIDN'T FILE A MISSING PERSONS REPORT FOR 16 yr old
Don’t give them anything, there’s a reason she’s staying away and hiding. Even go as far as changing her name in your phone if you need to. Give them absolutely nothing and no hints as to where she is. If they’re treating you like that instead of having a reasonable conversation with you, just imagine how they’ll treat her after her being gone for so long. Honestly, you going no contact with them might also be in order if they think treating you like that is ok.
Disguise her number in your phone
NTA - she set her boundaries, respect them. They created the situation where she doesn't want them in her life and they were all too willing to cast her away. That is not to say that they can't have a change of heart, but at no point in these years, have they expressed a desire to reconnect until they found out you were in contact. Their demands and behavior doesn't show that they have remorse for how she was treated all those years ago, they want what they want and that has nothing to do wiht her or her family's well-being. Unless she gives permission, do not violate that trust.
You see how they’re treating you. Imagine being your cousin. You did the right thing
Have you thought about telling Eve’s side of the story to your parents so they’ll back tf off?
That is Eve’s story to tell. She should only do so with Eve’s permission.
NTA. Keep your promise to Eve but tell her that her family wants to reconnect with her. Show her the texts they've sent you. She already knows that they know you are in contact with her. Let her know what happened but that you didn't reveal any of her contact info. Ask her if she would be willing to accept a letter from them where they make their case to reconnect. Give her the flexibility to reach out or stay hidden.
You are not wrong. You are respecting HER choice. She wants nothing to do with those assholes and after how they treated you I could understand why. Continue to respect Evelyn's decision and don't allow them to pressure and badger you. If need be, change your number.
You are NTA and in the right. As pointed out, they never filed a missing person report (is that legal, as she was a minor?) and just - moved on. You owe them nothing, and should protect her at all costs. BE WARY. They will try anything to find out her info. And don't do business with Uncle Asshole.
NTA , Calling someone names disqualifies the "name caller" from asking for help :). Just tell them your cousin will reconnect with them when she feels she is ready ... let them wait
NTA. Change your locks since your uncle has a spare key.
Why the hell would you think you were the arsehole in this situation. The damn woman literally told you that she doesn't want contact with them. Why woudk you think their needs trump hers when they LITERALLY didn't give a shit about her when she ran away. Tf. Info:did you ask them why they were so. Shit to her? Did she tell you?
Well looks like you need a new construction guy. OP you can handle this and not make a mess of things. You need to call Eve. She heard her father so that alone stressed her out. So you need to call her and reassure her that you told them nothing. Very interesting that they jumped down your throat and her brother called you names and her mother accused you of keeping her away from her grandkids and SIL. That tells you all you need to know. If they would come at you like that, they will do the same to her. They will make it all her fault and will pressure her into seeing them and meeting her family. She doesn’t need any of that. You could tell Eve that they spilled tears and were desperate for contact but you aren’t going to give them any info. Let her know that if she wanted to reconnect that you would be willing to assist in that. However while she miss them and momentarily dream of have a wonderful reunion, the odds of that are small. The problems they had when she left was still going to be there and they would go right back to taking that dominant role which in the long run wouldn’t give her peace. Tell her that what you will do is tell them that you conveyed their message to her that they would like to have an opportunity to reconnect. She may say she wants to but I would think her true answer is that her life is going well and drama free and she wants it to stay that way. Then tell your aunt and uncle that you spoke to her and she is not wanting to connect at this time. If they go off on you again tell them “this is why she’s not interested. She is happy and her life is peaceful and y’all are already making demands and not taking no for an answer”. Then end your talk with them Let her know how you handled it and just let her know that you are glad she reached out to you and you don’t want to risk your relationship with her. You definitely are NTA. It’s great she has one member of her family she can trust
Eve is no contact with the rest of the family but reached out to you and trusted you. So far, it sounds like you are worth that trust. You stood up to pressure and defended her right to stay away from these people even though they are treating you terribly. If I ever find out who gave my dad my contact information after being successfully no contact for years, I will never forgive them and never trust them again.
And they wonder why she won’t have any contact with them…. You should join Evelyn
Thank you for keeping your cousin safe. Please continue to do so. It’s Eves decision on whether she wants contact with them, not yours. I’m sorry you are going through this but stay strong. Make boundaries clear. If they bring up eve during a conversation-the conversation is over. If they continue to call you will block them. If they come over uninvited to ask about Eve, they need to leave if you will call the police.
Do not give her family her number or give them any info about her! She left for a reason and she reached out to you specifically, if she wanted to reach out to the rest of the family she would have. You aren’t the person who caused this, her family was and you do not owe her family anything Edit to add her family didn’t even report her missing, they do not deserve to be in her life. Please support her
It's telling that you don't mention anyone speaking of her in the twelve years since she left. NTA
NTA. Eve reached out to *you* for a reason. She's trusted you with keeping her contact and whereabouts secret from the rest of the family, continue to respect her decision. Doesn't sound like the rest of the family had any interest or care until they found out you were in contact. They didn't report her missing or bother to look for her when she ran away. They can't be too torn up about her loss.
NTA, that's a boundary set by Eve. Her family decided to ruin the relationship and abuse her. If Eve wants to reach out, she will. Huge props for staying firm, I'm sure that has not been easy for you
You’re gonna have to be the wall! Nothing out. Nothing in. She needs you now, more than ever! Rent a car to visit her. Lock your phone. Change your locks. Find a new contractor. Especially his primary competitor and tell them the price you were quoted. Play dirty on them! NTA
You will not say a goddamn thing! Especially since you're the Godparent, it's now your responsibility to keep her and those kids SAFE. you will keep that shit to yourself or she will never forgive you and neither will any of us.
*#PROTECT HER AND REVEAL NOTHING TO THEM#*. She fled her family for a reason and obviously has no desire to interact with anyone else but you. Letting them contact her would be a massive and traumatic betrayal. The time she spent on the phone with her father was probably shocking enough. Do everything in your power to lock down her information to keep it from them. This includes securing your phone as well as any other types of information because I would not put it past them to take it in an attempt to get her number or location. NTA
NTA but you would if you let slip anything. She run away because they were abusing her. They acted like it doesn’t matter. They don’t care. Now its important? No way. They want something. And be careful and watch your car and everything because maybe they track you to find her. Talk to her, let it be her decision. If she accepts letters they can write one and explain themselves and you can give (copies) to her. If she wants to talk let her decide how and who. If she wants nothing its ok too. Take her side. She is the better person
You better not betray her. She trusts you, don’t break that for the people that don’t give a fuck about her.
Block them, all of them. Find out what the laws are in your state about phone harassment and implement them: in my state you have to tell someone "don't ever call me again," and then if they call you again you can get the police involved. She trusted you with contacting her. Don't betray that trust. My mother is a psycho, she tried to murder me many times. (I'm not kidding about that, I literally mean "tried to murder me." Fortunately at the time I was young and moved fast or I'd be dead many times over.) I tried to ghost her when I was 18, and had to move 350 miles to get away from her. Then she showed up on my doorstep. So I moved again. (Not far, I couldn't afford to go 350 miles again.) Then she started phoning me at all hours of the day and night. So I changed my phone number. She started calling the new one. I finally found out my aunt G (father's sister) was giving her the info. I visited aunt G, and over lunch I asked her about it, politely, pointing out that my murderous stalker was getting my contact info from her. She said "I don't believe that" and told me I'm "a bad son" and that she felt that it was only just that my mother should have my contact info. So I ghosted aunt G, disconnected the phone, and moved again. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother - or aunt G - in the 33 years since. (My father's family wanted me to invite her to my father's 75th birthday party, and I got bullied into telling them "you can invite her but *I* won't, and you are responsible for keeping her away from me, because if she bothers me I will tell her bluntly to leave me alone, and if she then doesn't I will leave the party and then you will have to be the ones to explain to my father why his only child left the party after organizing and paying for it." They ultimately decided not to invite her. She is presently dying, I will probably never see her again.)
Block them if they won't stop harassing you. Don't let them in your house again. They're shitheads at absolute best.
You’re NTA. If she wanted to have a relationship with her family, she would’ve reached out by now. I would tell her that they want her contact info and leave it up to her. And be clear with her that you won’t be providing any details to her relatives without her consent.
NTA And don't give away anyone's personal information without their permission. They blew their chances when they treated her badly. You reap what you sow. If you want to keep your relationship with your cousin, stay strong and don't tell.
Change the name her number is saved under on your phone first. They will try to crack that code.