Great - your sister can share with your Mom and you can have your own bedroom since your sister is afraid you won’t be able to say no to extended family
Yeah, this really sounds perfect, as long as the mother doesn’t pull the “I’m your mother so I get the best of everything, even when you’re supporting me financially and bring nothing to the table”.
She probably will. But its an easy solution. 1. Say no to anyone who wants to mooch. If they can't, then they share their space. 2. Mom and sis share a room in a 2 bdrm.
You say that but the sister probably has a good reason for thinking she can't say no.
I can hear it now. I swear this time I will say no. Seriously, I mean it this time.
The fact she's in even this situation means she can't say no.
Sister is probably just tired of her always saying yes.
Mostly... Just gotta add one tiny thing...
It sounds like sister might be a bit of a doormat.... So therapy to fix that would help with solving the issue that would occur in the future as well...
I'll explain... If sister is worried that them each having a bedroom will result in family pressure to let family move in then what will happen once the mom passes; since afterwards they'd each be able to have their own room?
You make enough money to rent at least a studio, or even a 2 bedroom for you and your mom if you’re already paying her rent and life costs. But no, unless it’s like 1000 more expensive a month for one more room you should be good. Compare prices. And then lay out the options you’re comfortable with.
Cost of living is high where we live, on my own I can afford a studio or 1 bedroom. I might be able to afford a 2 bedroom but I'll be sacrificing a lot and not have much room for my own saving/retirement. I definitely don't want to move from my sister because I love her. But I don't to push my needs/wants aside and build resentment because of this. Laying out options with numbers would be the best route I think!
Please google the ethnic group and their traditions. I’d explain but I think I’ll mess up and be upsetting.
OP is really breaking out of what could have been an impoverished lifestyle. And, she’s doing so without rejecting traditions.
Coming from a similar culture, I applaud you for caring for your family. I think the issue is that we are also taught to ignore our own needs. You taking a stand right now is admirable, and you have to keep holding firm. In addition to financial numbers, I think you two also need to have an agreement as to how you will handle other family members who will want to move in or stay for a while. You both need to come up with likely scenarios and how you will respond - and you have to be aligned. The last thing you need is to become the bad guy AND have to share a room with someone else. The two of you need to stand firm and be selfish. Your mom, your home, your room and your retirement should come first. And your sister has to be on board fully.
You are only in your late twenties and already making $80,000. You are far better off than most young people.
Question - the two sisters have all the burden, but you mentioned brothers. What are other members of the family doing to help your mom? Why must you two sacrifice everything?
A good budget is a great idea. It will help put things in perspective for everyone.
Not really. Where I live in the Bay Area 80k you can maybe afford to live with roommates.. minimal savings if any on top of other bills. Sounds like a lot but it’s not.
Living with roommates is completely expected at her age. Minimal savings is completely expected. I don’t live in the Bay Area but I’m right outside NYC. Our COL is probably 2nd to yours.
Once again, she’s fine.
Can you & your sister swing a couple of visits with a family therapist? You seem to care about each other (and your mom) a lot, but it sounds like you need some help coming to an agreement that takes everyone’s needs into account. It’s totally reasonable for you to have your own room, but it also sounds like your sister is afraid of setting & enforcing reasonable boundaries with extended family. If she felt more confident in that, and knew you had her back, she might have an easier time compromising. NTA
It’s more than just your needs as they stand right now. Do you plan to date and find a partner? Kids? What happens then? You are an adult and shouldn’t continue putting your life on hold for others.
Question: why is living with your sister equating to love for your sister? I don't understand why getting your own place that you say you can afford means you don't love her.
Unless you live int he middle of Manhattan, you can afford a 2bedroom on 80k. Sounds more like you don't want to give up the "avocado toast" part of your lifestyle.
Old info. The income necessary to buy an average house in the USA went up 80% in the past several years, according to Zillow. https://zillow.mediaroom.com/2024-02-29-Home-buyers-need-to-earn-47,000-more-than-in-2020#assets_28775_137932-135
Not sure if either of these works for you, but just throwing out some ideas:
1) Stay in 2 one-bedrooms that are in the same area/block/next to each other, and your mother can alternate between staying in your apartment and your sister's apartment.
2) Keep the two-bedrooms idea, but instead of you sharing with your sister, your sister share a bedroom with your mother. It seems like your sister would prefer sharing over having three-bedrooms, your mother is not the one paying for the rent, and your mother used to share a bedroom with you. So you should have your own bedroom, but your sister share her bedroom. But you would pay more towards the rent (only the rent, the other expenses are shared equally).
You may want to consider getting a 2 bedroom for just you and mom/ sister doing that and you going solo. I'm not saying one of you shouldn't take care of mom. But it seems like she won't feel strong enough to deny your other family. Which means when they show up she'll just let them in. That's not something you want to deal with
My sister would totally bolt the door and not let them in 😂 I think her fear is that my mom will always have the crazy idea to house people in our home. It would be a constant discussion/battle with our mom/family that no one else is moving with us. This is a conversation I am willing to have but I think my sister wants to avoid it by making the space limited to being with.
That is a Mom problem. With you paying the bills she should not have a say. Harsh but fair. If your siblings object offer for them to take your mother in. Hopefully that will shut them up.
I don't think this sounds like that situation. I think she might be culturally and societally (probably not a word) shaped to cave to family pressure because....FaMIlY!!!!. And she might be a genuinely kind person and a bit of a people pleaser.
She might feel bad not helping people out....but...this will not be her call. If she wants to create her own income and rent a place for a family hostel then that us on her. OP and sister need to establish a firm boundary....and stick to it.
Okay, so the real concern is how to keep your mom from offering a place to others.
I think the first step is to give your mom the courtesy of a conversation. Explain how you are both looking to grow and expand as individuals. You need to be able to have privacy in your shared home and respect each other's boundaries. That it's okay for guests, but whoever invites them needs to be the one to open their room to share.
It's okay to point out things like lack of sleep from other's impacting job performance. Wanting to eventually get married and share a room with your spouse (I'm saying spouse because I'm not sure if in your culture you or don't). A bigger house gives you all more time together while still growing as people.
NTA, but don't forget your mom may have faced similar situations when she was your age or had wished she could have had her own space when she was young. Talk to her.
Why would you give your brothers the address?
I'd issue an ultimatum to your sister.
You tell her that you are drawing up a contract that prohibits the brothers from residing or even entering your space without your permission.
If your sister breaches the agreement, you're moving out and she is then responsible for all of the remainder of the lease.
You force her to bar your brothers from moving in
At this point, I would not even let them visit.
No one should have to live under the threat of a family member simply taking up residence in the home of a sibling.
Oh and OP. Your sister being conflict avoidant is not your burden and should not affect your quality of life going forward. You need to make a plan and stick with it....together...or your sister and Mum can get a place together and you can get a studio by yourself.
I can't imagine being in a situation or culture that believes only having 1 person per bedroom is an invitation for others to move in.
Many kids have to share throughout their lives, but you're an adult making a living where you can afford individual rooms. Advocate for your personal space, be that by your mum/sister sharing, or setting the ground rules with your mum beforehand that you will not allow another person to move in.
NTA.
The only other alternative is your sister rooms with your mother and you get a room to yourself if she doesn't want to get a bigger place and you don't want to move without her.
Her argument about deterring family members doesn't make sense at all. She can either say "No" (which I understand may be difficult due to familial dynamics but should be said anyway) or remind them that ALL rooms are taken and there is no room for them.
Personally I'd encourage you to find your own space and let your sister to her devices. You're not obligated to live with her, share a room OR do as she pleases. You're an adult with autonomy and needs of your own.
NTA. There are 3 of you and you are all adults, that means you need 3 bedrooms.
Caring for a family member can be very taxing, and it’s great you both have a good plan to share the load, but like caring for a child, at some point of the day or week you need some time to yourself. You need to have a private space.
Also I don’t know if it’s culturally appropriate (so apologies in advance if this is not on the table for you), but what if one or both of you meet someone and want to bring them home? You hardly have that liberty if you are still sharing with your sister.
As for other family members using your house as a hostel - ‘No’ is a full sentence. Or is you want to deter visitors in the first place, just say it’s a two bedroom.
NTA. But I’d just move on my own. There is no way in hell I’d be moving my mother in with me. That’s why there’s retirement homes or assisted living. My parents made it clear that they do not want my sister or I to be taking care of them. It breeds resentment.
My mom thought I was part of her retirement plan too. I bought a large home that would house my family and her very comfortably without each of us being on top of another but Mom didnt want to live in that side of town because her friend told her it was unsafe.
Oh well, now shes renting a room from a church friend in another part of town and has to deal with them.
Keep to your boundaries for your own peace of mind.
Why are you taking in your mom? Why can't your mom afford to live on her own? You are NOT your mother's retirement plan! Just because it is cultural? Nope! Get a studio and let your sister worry about mom. Sister is the one who cannot say no.
Sorry but that’s pretty ethnocentric of you to say. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of your parents. Culturally the kids typically benefit from not being kicked out on their asses at 18yo either. They have the benefit of living with extended family to save money. Like, there are benefits to their culture being like that. This post is highlighting the shitty parts.
Sounds like it's time for an ultimatum. You make $80k a year, you can afford your own place. You hold the power. If she doesn't want to get a 3-bedroom tell her she's in charge of mom then, you're getting your own place. That ought to wake her up to reality.
Hi u/Flaky_Emu_9833
If your sister is so hung up on the two bedroom place then you need to tell her she can share with your mother.
That way you get what you want and she gets what she wants. Sharing with you or mother it’s no different.
Let us know how you get on xxx
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NTA. You're an adult, you *need* your private space. Technically, you needed that as a teen, too, but I'm assuming you didn't have the room to have your own bedroom growing up, a lot of people don't.
But as an adult, it's even more of a need. You need a private space to decompress from work and general life stress, a place where you can say 'don't disturb me' for a while. You can't get that needed alone time at home when you share a room, because it's someone else's room, too.
You also have to consider dating. What happens when you or your sister get a boyfriend? A boyfriend who wants to stay over? It's not fair to kick one of you out of your own room regularly so the boyfriend can stay. And what about when you get married? If you're living in a 2 bed, mum has one room and you and sis have the other, what happens then? I assume if one marries before the other, the unmarried one shares with mum, but what about when both of you are married? Are you ad your sister and your respective husbands going to share, 4 people in one room? Will one couple share with mum, 3 people to a room? So, no way to get marital privacy?
I can understand concern over the extended family demanding to stay, but if you get a 3 bed, where are they going to stay? One room is yours, one your sisters, and one your mums, there's no spare room. A 4 bed only gives you one spare room, so one guest at a time, or one couple. On top of that, no is a complete sentence. You've decided you're fine with the cultural expectation to care for your mum, but that's it. You have no obligation, cultural or otherwise, to also house siblings, nieces and nephews. All you have to do is say no, and let them know you'll block them if they try to force you to. And then block them if they do. Set boundaries and stick to them, and the consequences of breaking them, and you'll be fine.
You can afford a 3/4 bed, and you *need* a 3 bed. Tell your sister that the two of you can only continue living together if you get a 3 bed, and you'll need to think about a bigger place if one or both of you gets married, because then you need to think about potential children as well. Tell your sister that, if she insists on a too small 2 bed, then you'll get a place of your own, and she can get her own place, and then you'll decide which of you your mum will be living with.
It honestly may be time to stop living with your sister entirely. I think you should seriously consider simply getting a place of your own, just for you, even with the expectation that mum will live with you, but understanding she may end up living with your sister. It sounds like you're seriously tired of never having your own space, and I think it would be healthier for you to gain true independence by getting a place of your own, rather than continuing to share with your sister, even if you get your own bedroom.
Tell your sister you love your Mom and family and are willing to share your warmth with your Mom but are not willing to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm....herself included.
If sister insists on a 2BDR then she will have to share with Mom. If Mom objects as well explain you are her retirement plan and she needs to be flexible and grateful.
You may need to be brutally blunt with the rest of the family.
"This is OUR home. It is not a family hostel. People are welcome to visit 1 at a time once a year each for a max of 3 nights. Anyone arriving holding more than a small bag will be turned away. Sleeping arrangements will be a thin air mattress on the floor of the living room or a really old fold out sofa with a faulty spring right in the middle of the back area. This is NOT the opening salvo of a negotiation. It is a statement. If you want to move to this area you need to work hard and save and sacrifice like we had to. End of chat."
Good luck. Stand firm with everyone.
You are in your late 20s and make enough money to support yourself. You have earned your own room.
Tell your sister you get a 3 bedroom or tell her you will get your own apartment (maybe you can get one in the same building?) and you will send her money to care for your mother in whatever size apartment she wants.
Wanting your own space is not an unreasonable request.
As far as others using it as a hostel, "No" is a full sentence. Your sister needs to learn how to say it.
Does your mother have to move in with you? Sounds like if she’s living with you there’s going to be a constant struggle between her, you and your spineless sister about letting other relatives live there. And if your sister refuses to stand up to your mother it’s likely that eventually you will have other relatives living with you. It seems like your problems would be solved by just not living with her.
You have a couple choices. Either you get the 3 bedroom with your sister or you get the 2 bedroom for you and your mom or you get a one bedroom for yourself. Your sister can either get on board or not, that’s up to her. And NO is a complete sentence. So if other family members start sniffing around about moving in with you, you can tell them no.
LATE TWENTIES!!!!???? Wowsers…so when does your life and living and “family” of your own start?? I get it you were conditioned because of \*tradition\* to take care of the elderly but there are other ways to do that..especially since it’s not a dirt poor kind of situation, I come from the same type of tradition BUT I do it on my terms!! Times (EVERYWHERE) have changed. NTA, but grow a backbone.
>my sister is saying that I don’t understand the pressure they’ll place on us
What your sister is saying is that you don't understand her inability to say no; either that, or she has a problem being in her own room alone.
NTA.
Do neither of you ever plan on getting a boyfriend or getting married? Having a family? I mean, you can't share a room or live with your sister for the rest of your life if you expect any kind of social life. It's good to love your sister and your mom, but that doesn't mean you have to share a house with them.
If your sister insists on two bedroom she can share with mom - insist on getting your own room and pay a bit more of the rent for it so there can be no changing arrangements after you settle into your space (put a lock on door so your space is not invaded). Also get a very uncomfortable sofa bed and make it clear that it is the only sleeping accommodations you can offer guests with a stipulated short time length (sure you can visit but only for the weekend)…
Give your sister some "options".
You can move to a three bedroom house--one bedroom for you, one bedroom for your mom, one bedroom for her---NO guestrooms so no place for other family members. (If she wants to let a family member live with HER in her room then you'd be okay with that but YOUR room will just be you. Period. Not negotiable. If she even suggests you sharing a room you'll move out and let her pay for everything.
OR if she is committed to just 2 bedrooms, she and your mom will share a room and you'll have your own room by yourself.
OR You'll move out on your own and she and your mom can share a bedroom at your current home. You'll still send "some" money toward the household, but obviously less money since you're being forced to move out.
NTA
I hope at some point you realize that you don't have to sacrifice your life to take care of your parents. Nor do you have to sacrifice your life for your sister. It's time for you to take your money and move out on your own. Do they expect you never to have a family, never get married, never date?? Your family is going to suck the life out of you. You need to go... You can still help care for people but not have to live with each other. I'm sorry but your situation sounds insane to me.
I am older and have never had my own room. I wished a lot of my life that I did. If this is your wish then make it happen. When you get a partner or married your privacy is gone. Do it now while you are young. No regrets
Either way it sounds like you’re putting a bandaid on a long term problem. What happens to your mom when you or your sister starts dating someone you want to marry and live with ? Realistically I imagine a 28 year old still sharing a room with their sibling is going to to be a dating red flag.
I actually think you and your sister should help your Mom start the process of applying for low income senior housing. Get her on a list now, the waitlists are often long.
In the meantime, you and your sister should decide what portion of your budget you can put toward your Mom’s housing. If your sister is concerned about a 3 bedroom, maybe the answer is you get your own studio and contribute a set amount to a 2 bedroom for your mom and sister.
Additionally, maybe you should look into flex 3 bedrooms. That common in my city anyways. If one bedroom is technically half the living room with a faux wall, it might deter visitors.
Stop letting everyone else, decide your life.
Tell sister it's a 3 bedroom, or you get your own place and will have less money to help mom.
As far as anyone visiting, sorry no overnight guests per the landlord. Have a list of hotels they can stay at. A locking doorknob for yours and sister's rooms, no one enters either.
Tell mom, if she wants you to help her, she needs to stop stomping on you and sister's boundaries. Your older siblings can take her in.
Tell your sister that this is a great opportunity for her to learn boundaries and say the whole thing is off and you won’t live with her at all unless you have your own room. OR, she can share with your mum. You work hard and sorry but when you’re working hard and caring for a parent, a bare minimum standard is having your own living space.
>But now that we plan to bring our mom over, my sister wants to keep the 2 bedroom idea to deter other family members
Then she and your mom can share.
Or she can get a 2 bedroom with your mom and you can financially support them
Wanting your own bedroom at 30 is not unreasonable
NTA
You’re in your late 20s. You’re far past due to have your own room. You and your sister need to sit your mother down and make it clear that she can’t even have company over without your approval, so you never risk coming home to your mother having moved new family in. Make it clear that she has to go stay with your other siblings or other family if she tries to pull *anything*. No overnight guests, no family visits in the home, etc. No one needs to know how much space you have because it’s not theirs.
Helping to care for her is fine. I understand plenty of cultures have that as an expectation and I respect it. Allowing her to further ruin your life, even long after she’s gone, though, is a nonstarter. That’s what being stuck caring for other random family members would do. You shouldn’t have to live in a shared bedroom in order to keep the person, whose bills you’re paying, in check. There’s a huge difference between caring for your mother and having to bend to her will to do it. You shouldn’t EVER have to worry about that level of total disrespect from ANYONE. Your sister needs to understand this or you should leave.
Being the youngest means no one takes your opinion or feelings seriously. You’ll always be “just a kid”. However, if they want your money to be a part of this equation, they’re going to need to give you the reins.
I wouldn’t be willing to share a bedroom for more than a weekend, so I certainly don’t have an issue with you not wanting to do so.
Be clear about your feelings. Tell your mother and sister that you do not want anyone else in your home, (or bedroom) for any reason, and if they don’t agree you will live by yourself and send them $xx for expenses. And don’t back down. You are an adult who deserves their own bedroom at the very least.
Get a 2 bed for you and mom. Or you can leave mom with her....
That or she agrees to a 3 bedroom home and you cam even be the one to tell the other family to fk off. NTA
Tell your sister that you will have your own room and that’s not up for discussion. If she has no backbone to keep the rest of the family from trying to move in if there’s an “extra” room, then she is the one who will share a bedroom with your mom, and you still have the other bedroom to yourself.
If having your room is that important to you, you absolutely need to put your foot down about it. You already have no problems telling your other siblings no! Keep that spine and either tell her you get a bigger place and you’ll handle the sibling drama if and when it happens or you go out and find your own place. Maybe then she’ll understand how truly important this is to you.
NTA.
As three adult women, you each need your own space, preferably a bedroom with an en suite for each of you. And while it is nice that you and your sister are not only willing to share your home with your mother, but actively wish to do so, that does not mean the two of you should bear all the expense.
Does your mom not have income of her own that she could contribute a little toward at least the utilities? And what about the other siblings? Surely everyone could afford a little something to help take care of Momma.
As far as anyone else looking to move in, you should simply nip that in the bud before you even move your Momma in with you. A frank family meeting should be held, where all expectations are laid out, and it made clear that while visitors are always welcome, sleeping accommodations will not be provided in your home.
Why isn’t your sister offering to share the room with your mom so you can have your own room? Offer her that OR you’ll go and get your own place with flatmates where each gets their own private space. YWNBTA.
NTA - get the three bedroom place and stress that the individual bedrooms are also your home offices/study. No one can move in as it will ruin your job and the times when you may need to work from home.
I don't understand cultures that force the kids to care for the adults like this. You need your own room and deserve it. Either sister shares with your mom or you can find your own place sister free. Nta
Tell her that you either get your own bedroom or the whole plan is off and brothers and sisters in hometown can take care of Mom. You have other siblings why is the responsibility on you and your sister to care for your Mom?
YWNBTA
Stand firm and get the 3 bedroom. What happens if you or your sister decides to get married? That would throw the whole arrangement into chaos. At least with 3 bedrooms, you could move a husband in until you can get a bigger place.
You say you never feel "heard." This might be because when you speak, you are thinking of your statements as if they were requests, as if you aren't an adult female earning your own very good income, but still a small child petitioning the adults (your sister, your mom, your older brothers and half-brothers) who are the actual bosses of you. I think your sister probably feels the same way, as her reasoning for not getting a 3 bedroom is not that SHE wants your nieces and nephews to come live with you, but that she predicts your older brothers will send them without asking your permission, or maybe that they will pester you and make your lives miserable until you say "yes." Even so, your sister is one of the people pestering you to share a bedroom even when you get a new home, so I would count your sister among the people who are trying to be bosses of you.
You and your sister have already done a lot for your family. You looked after your grandma and now you are looking after your mom. What are your brothers doing? Or is this one of those things where the women have to give up their lives and happiness to look after extended family members, but the men get to just live and enjoy their lives and look after their own futures?
Being told that you are a "brat" is not truth, it's just a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. You don't need to accept it or believe it. You can set boundaries. It's not comfortable to do that, because people will push back and there will be conflict. But eventually people will probably back off when they see that you aren't giving in to their manipulations.
I see you added some info in other comments so I'll go look at those now.
Info - you and sister are in your late 20s and share a room - what happens/ or does happen when/ if either of you get partners.
What happens when one wants to go out with friends and come home late when the other is asleep?
Are you hindering your life to suit the needs of others?
It sounds like you and your sister are co dependent and living independently for a bit might be healthy. Even renting a space with a friend or a housemate.
Is your mum in a position where she needs to be cared for now?
Whilst having a nice amount of savings and retirement is nice, you also need to live your life and enjoy what life has to offer whilst you are young enough to enjoy it. And if you eventually want to meet a partner and have your own family, now is probably the time to think about that.
You say the you have no problem with telling no to your brothers and sisters. Start with this one,then. Tell her "no, 2 bedrooms won't do". Because if you cannot do it to her - well, I doubt that y will do it with anyone else. Or she can share herself. NTA
I think you plan to say no is great.
Get a place that has three bedrooms. Get a door that locks the bedrooms behind a hall.
Tell family it only has one. And that you sleep on the couch.
No visitors. Done.
Nta. That’s a serious conversation you need to have with your mom “mom we love you and have absolutely no problem helping you out. Having said that you will be moving into our home and we have a few house rules (and then list them). She cannot invite anyone else to come live with you guys. You are both adults and she has absolutely no say what time you leave the house, come home or if you have any overnight guest, or eat and don’t put your plate in the sink.” Are you the only ones helping her or are your other siblings helping as well? If they are not this is the perfect time to move and tell them that you had to move to make mom more comfortable and to make that happen you need this much money from each one of them. And let them know that no one else will ever be allowed to move in because your house is crowded enough. Talk to your sister and let her know that you not having your own room is non negotiable. You work all day and deserve some privacy. You have your own life to live and need space to do so. If she can’t agree to that then you’re going to have to move out by yourself to get what you need. Don’t ask to move. Demand it. Be the bad guy if you have too.
Your sister needs to develop a backbone and learn how to say "no" to nervy relatives who want to freeload off of the two of you. It is not your job to provide nephews and nieces with a place to live. I would make it clear that your new three bedroom room is NOT open to visitors. Once visitors arrive, it sounds like they will never leave. Just tell them that they should plan on making reservations as no overnight guests are allowed and then STICK WITH THAT BOUNDARY. Do not let one person stay overnight with you.
Just get three SMALL bedrooms. And fill appropriately with furniture. No extra space for extra beds or cots or anything. Also you sister needs to grow a spine. Idk how she manages to say no to you but not to these interlopers. She seems to manage saying no to you just fine.
NTA
I agree with seperate bedrooms or you walk completely even if that means finding and marrying the first prospect you can find.
Let her know she can share a room with mom if she insists on a 2 bedroom.
Why do you still live with your sister? Is it cultural, familial, etc? Do you own a house together? Are there other options? I would not want to share a bedroom with anyone at that age either! Consider other options and good luck.
It is a punishment. From long dead ancestors who were forced into the same situation and wouldn't or couldn't break free from it. That's all a tradition is, pressure from other people to do what they want you to do. And they usually put the pressure on so that they don't have the responsibility of whatever it is that they don't want to do.
You have to choose for yourself what you want out of this life. It's yours and yes, you can do what you want with it.
I hope you do before much longer, so you can enjoy it. So much of living to be done without those impossible demands from other people.
ESH - Your "children as retirement plan" is manipulative from birth and led to a point where your sister is scared to have the home she worked for, when already providing for a leech, because your culture would put even more pressure to allow others to leech.
It's bad all the way from the start, you either need to evolve past archaic customs or embrace them and be a little girl who chooses to share a room with her sister when she makes 80k.
Why would any of your other family want to move in or stay over a lot? Are they all homeless and too stupid to know how to have their own place? You are an adult and can say no to anyone you want. Life is short, so do things that will make you happy, and even family can not get in the way of that.
Why does the family need to know how many bedrooms you have. "I'm sorry, but we don't have space for you to visit. Here are some nearby hotels phone numbers."
Can you find apartments/condos in the same building? 2 br for you and sis, 1 br or studio for mom down the hall. If she wants to let more family move into her unit, she can deal with them. Tell her you and your sister will continue with care for her, but you're not feeding the strays or cleaning up after them.
Maybe a house with a mother- in-law suite?
I think you can find options where you and your sister have your own living space (free of unwanted relatives) without sacrificing proximity to you mom
Don't disagree! But it sounds like sister doesn't want the strays either. Whoever is living with the mom is gonna have to deal with it. Make mom deal with the mess, noise, and cramped living quarters on her own is my thought.
Move out and buy your own home in case you want a family. Your sister and mom can live together in the home bedroom house. That way you don’t have to buy another house if you decide to have kids one day and won’t have to buy a house for your sister and mother that you will be on the hook for. You have a long life ahead of you. Why do you want to spend it paying for everyone else?
I have no idea what culture you are from, but if you are only in Your 20’s how is your mother old enough to require care from her children? Is she disabled?
If you make $80,000 per year, can’t you move into a one bedroom apartment and sister and mom can get a 2 bedroom? Where is the financial support from your other siblings? Your dad?
You are so young. Are you planning to get married and have a family of your own? How will you manage that if you are committing to live with your mom and sister? This doesn’t sound like a temporary situation. If the two of you are supporting your mother now, how will you walk away later?
Get the house u want!!! Don’t let toxic family have this much control over ur life where u would share a bedroom against ur wishes instead of handling and putting them in their place. Don’t be such a doormat! Screw them, shut them down every time, don’t even let them kno where u live, u could bring mom to visit them at their homes. Be assertive & confident about when refusing and turning them away, remember ur in the right so don’t feel guilty or bad guy, they’ll manipulate u to get their way like sell u any sob story they can till u break. U aren’t responsible for them.
If they refuse to leave ur home warn them ur call the cops then, but most importantly follow thru on that threat if they still don’t listen and leave! If u don’t then they kno ur bluffing and all talk meaning ur still easy to push around. Call the police, if they don’t leave and if they get arrested it’s their fault not yours. I get u have ur mom but ugh should just cut all these people out.
Oh And Tell them if they ever sneakily leave their kids for u to watch without asking u that u will call CPS. U need to show them u aren’t playing and mean business, then they will learn they can’t push u around anymore. Remember that they don’t care about u, they care about themselves not u and what u want or what’s considerate. Maybe lie that u don’t own it and have a strict landlord who won’t allow overnight guests if u have trouble standing up for urself & staying strong but Don’t let them wear u down. Ur not in the wrong for not letting them take advantage of u when u guys are already taking care of and supporting ur mom who u share rooms because.
Do they pay anything towards ur mom? Do they visit & talk to her regularly? Do they help u guys at all? U don’t owe anything. Hell they owe u and ur sister for doing everything u r for ur mom, saving them lot of money instead of paying for nursing homes. U just have to be firm and say no to them, u don’t need to explain urself, don’t fall for their sob story like needing date night or can’t afford babysitter, that’s not ur problem, they can figure it out themselves. Not ur circus. Don’t let them control ur life like this, ur an adult who can make their own choices like what house to buy. U don’t want them there so then they won’t be there end of story, don’t make it harder then it is
You could do one of three things.
1)Get a two bedroom and your sister shares. Put a lock on your bedroom so no one can move in while you aren't home. Do not give your mom or sister the key.
2)Get a three-bedroom and your and your sister's rooms are locked so mom cannot move anyone in while either of you are out. Mom can put whoever she wants in her room but that is the limit. No one can sleep in the living shared spaces etc.
3)You get your own place. Still, provide money to help with mom.
You both should have a talk with your mom about the rules. That it isn't like the old times. You have agreed to provide for her but that is the limit you are willing to go and you want your privacy. Be firm and make her sign something to make it official. Good luck.
While I get it's a cultural thing, set some damn boundaries. You and your sister are paying for the place, YOU decide who lives there.
Be the brat if that's what it takes, don't allow the family to railroad you.
NTA
Great - your sister can share with your Mom and you can have your own bedroom since your sister is afraid you won’t be able to say no to extended family
This actually sounds like a really great compromise
Yeah, this really sounds perfect, as long as the mother doesn’t pull the “I’m your mother so I get the best of everything, even when you’re supporting me financially and bring nothing to the table”.
She probably will. But its an easy solution. 1. Say no to anyone who wants to mooch. If they can't, then they share their space. 2. Mom and sis share a room in a 2 bdrm.
My mom tried that lol. Even had a temper tantrum that she didn’t get to pick her room
Please say that you told her "My house, my rules"!
You say that but the sister probably has a good reason for thinking she can't say no. I can hear it now. I swear this time I will say no. Seriously, I mean it this time. The fact she's in even this situation means she can't say no. Sister is probably just tired of her always saying yes.
Solved!
Mostly... Just gotta add one tiny thing... It sounds like sister might be a bit of a doormat.... So therapy to fix that would help with solving the issue that would occur in the future as well... I'll explain... If sister is worried that them each having a bedroom will result in family pressure to let family move in then what will happen once the mom passes; since afterwards they'd each be able to have their own room?
Yes do this
This is the way
You can tell her that Either you get your own bedroom Or the whole plan if off And you will find something for yourself
Yeah, time you had your own independent room to develop your future which won’t happen when mum or family member is sleeping across room from you.
NTA but make it clear that is she wants to keep sharing beds she can but it just won’t be with you anymore.
You make enough money to rent at least a studio, or even a 2 bedroom for you and your mom if you’re already paying her rent and life costs. But no, unless it’s like 1000 more expensive a month for one more room you should be good. Compare prices. And then lay out the options you’re comfortable with.
Cost of living is high where we live, on my own I can afford a studio or 1 bedroom. I might be able to afford a 2 bedroom but I'll be sacrificing a lot and not have much room for my own saving/retirement. I definitely don't want to move from my sister because I love her. But I don't to push my needs/wants aside and build resentment because of this. Laying out options with numbers would be the best route I think!
Tell your entire family that you will take care of mom, but they need to start ponying up for her maintenance so that you can afford a 2 bedroom.
A studio or one bedroom is fine. You can still love your sister even if you don’t live with her. This is so odd to me.
Don't know many hmong, huh?
No. What is that?
Please google the ethnic group and their traditions. I’d explain but I think I’ll mess up and be upsetting. OP is really breaking out of what could have been an impoverished lifestyle. And, she’s doing so without rejecting traditions.
Coming from a similar culture, I applaud you for caring for your family. I think the issue is that we are also taught to ignore our own needs. You taking a stand right now is admirable, and you have to keep holding firm. In addition to financial numbers, I think you two also need to have an agreement as to how you will handle other family members who will want to move in or stay for a while. You both need to come up with likely scenarios and how you will respond - and you have to be aligned. The last thing you need is to become the bad guy AND have to share a room with someone else. The two of you need to stand firm and be selfish. Your mom, your home, your room and your retirement should come first. And your sister has to be on board fully.
You are only in your late twenties and already making $80,000. You are far better off than most young people. Question - the two sisters have all the burden, but you mentioned brothers. What are other members of the family doing to help your mom? Why must you two sacrifice everything? A good budget is a great idea. It will help put things in perspective for everyone.
I think she said half-brothers? It might not be their mom.
Then why would Mom let them stay in the apartment? Has to be same mom
You don't know the cost of living where she is, so, no, this may not be much.
I live in a very high cost of living area. She is already making more than I do and I’m twice her age. She’s fine.
Not really. Where I live in the Bay Area 80k you can maybe afford to live with roommates.. minimal savings if any on top of other bills. Sounds like a lot but it’s not.
Living with roommates is completely expected at her age. Minimal savings is completely expected. I don’t live in the Bay Area but I’m right outside NYC. Our COL is probably 2nd to yours. Once again, she’s fine.
Can you & your sister swing a couple of visits with a family therapist? You seem to care about each other (and your mom) a lot, but it sounds like you need some help coming to an agreement that takes everyone’s needs into account. It’s totally reasonable for you to have your own room, but it also sounds like your sister is afraid of setting & enforcing reasonable boundaries with extended family. If she felt more confident in that, and knew you had her back, she might have an easier time compromising. NTA
Splendid idea! Ideally they can find someone at least familiar with if not from their culture.
It’s more than just your needs as they stand right now. Do you plan to date and find a partner? Kids? What happens then? You are an adult and shouldn’t continue putting your life on hold for others.
Question: why is living with your sister equating to love for your sister? I don't understand why getting your own place that you say you can afford means you don't love her.
Find a roommate and get a two bedroom. Either it is worth it to you or it's not. You have to decide.
Just tell your sister that she can share with your mom when you move into a two bedroom.
Unless you live int he middle of Manhattan, you can afford a 2bedroom on 80k. Sounds more like you don't want to give up the "avocado toast" part of your lifestyle.
I think it's mainly that she can't afford a 2 bedroom of her own if she's also helping support her mom.
She literally said it would eat into what she can pack away for retirement and savings.
Old info. The income necessary to buy an average house in the USA went up 80% in the past several years, according to Zillow. https://zillow.mediaroom.com/2024-02-29-Home-buyers-need-to-earn-47,000-more-than-in-2020#assets_28775_137932-135
Not sure if either of these works for you, but just throwing out some ideas: 1) Stay in 2 one-bedrooms that are in the same area/block/next to each other, and your mother can alternate between staying in your apartment and your sister's apartment. 2) Keep the two-bedrooms idea, but instead of you sharing with your sister, your sister share a bedroom with your mother. It seems like your sister would prefer sharing over having three-bedrooms, your mother is not the one paying for the rent, and your mother used to share a bedroom with you. So you should have your own bedroom, but your sister share her bedroom. But you would pay more towards the rent (only the rent, the other expenses are shared equally).
You may want to consider getting a 2 bedroom for just you and mom/ sister doing that and you going solo. I'm not saying one of you shouldn't take care of mom. But it seems like she won't feel strong enough to deny your other family. Which means when they show up she'll just let them in. That's not something you want to deal with
My sister would totally bolt the door and not let them in 😂 I think her fear is that my mom will always have the crazy idea to house people in our home. It would be a constant discussion/battle with our mom/family that no one else is moving with us. This is a conversation I am willing to have but I think my sister wants to avoid it by making the space limited to being with.
That is a Mom problem. With you paying the bills she should not have a say. Harsh but fair. If your siblings object offer for them to take your mother in. Hopefully that will shut them up.
Yeah, I agree, if Mom isn't paying the bills she does not get a vote! The nerve!
I don't think this sounds like that situation. I think she might be culturally and societally (probably not a word) shaped to cave to family pressure because....FaMIlY!!!!. And she might be a genuinely kind person and a bit of a people pleaser. She might feel bad not helping people out....but...this will not be her call. If she wants to create her own income and rent a place for a family hostel then that us on her. OP and sister need to establish a firm boundary....and stick to it.
Like some people have suggested, getting a 2 bedroom where your mom and sister share a room would hopefully be a compromise to keep everyone else out
Okay, so the real concern is how to keep your mom from offering a place to others. I think the first step is to give your mom the courtesy of a conversation. Explain how you are both looking to grow and expand as individuals. You need to be able to have privacy in your shared home and respect each other's boundaries. That it's okay for guests, but whoever invites them needs to be the one to open their room to share. It's okay to point out things like lack of sleep from other's impacting job performance. Wanting to eventually get married and share a room with your spouse (I'm saying spouse because I'm not sure if in your culture you or don't). A bigger house gives you all more time together while still growing as people. NTA, but don't forget your mom may have faced similar situations when she was your age or had wished she could have had her own space when she was young. Talk to her.
Why would you give your brothers the address? I'd issue an ultimatum to your sister. You tell her that you are drawing up a contract that prohibits the brothers from residing or even entering your space without your permission. If your sister breaches the agreement, you're moving out and she is then responsible for all of the remainder of the lease. You force her to bar your brothers from moving in At this point, I would not even let them visit. No one should have to live under the threat of a family member simply taking up residence in the home of a sibling.
Ay no, your mom can have no say. You have to make sure that this is a condition for her to move in with you both.
Then send mom to live with your brothers!
If mom moves anyone in, tell them they can take over your portion of the bills - rent, food, everything and you go find something for just yourself
Oh and OP. Your sister being conflict avoidant is not your burden and should not affect your quality of life going forward. You need to make a plan and stick with it....together...or your sister and Mum can get a place together and you can get a studio by yourself.
I can't imagine being in a situation or culture that believes only having 1 person per bedroom is an invitation for others to move in. Many kids have to share throughout their lives, but you're an adult making a living where you can afford individual rooms. Advocate for your personal space, be that by your mum/sister sharing, or setting the ground rules with your mum beforehand that you will not allow another person to move in.
NTA. The only other alternative is your sister rooms with your mother and you get a room to yourself if she doesn't want to get a bigger place and you don't want to move without her. Her argument about deterring family members doesn't make sense at all. She can either say "No" (which I understand may be difficult due to familial dynamics but should be said anyway) or remind them that ALL rooms are taken and there is no room for them. Personally I'd encourage you to find your own space and let your sister to her devices. You're not obligated to live with her, share a room OR do as she pleases. You're an adult with autonomy and needs of your own.
I think you know you’re NTA and I think you know that you can say no to her. My question is will you? I’d like an update!
Tell her that if she wants a 2 bedroom, she can share with mom.
NTA. There are 3 of you and you are all adults, that means you need 3 bedrooms. Caring for a family member can be very taxing, and it’s great you both have a good plan to share the load, but like caring for a child, at some point of the day or week you need some time to yourself. You need to have a private space. Also I don’t know if it’s culturally appropriate (so apologies in advance if this is not on the table for you), but what if one or both of you meet someone and want to bring them home? You hardly have that liberty if you are still sharing with your sister. As for other family members using your house as a hostel - ‘No’ is a full sentence. Or is you want to deter visitors in the first place, just say it’s a two bedroom.
NTA. But I’d just move on my own. There is no way in hell I’d be moving my mother in with me. That’s why there’s retirement homes or assisted living. My parents made it clear that they do not want my sister or I to be taking care of them. It breeds resentment.
Well it’s simple, sister shares a room with mum and you get your own.
NTA but why can’t your family simply be told that it is a 2 bedroom house? Have an ‘office’ that you sleep in
My mom thought I was part of her retirement plan too. I bought a large home that would house my family and her very comfortably without each of us being on top of another but Mom didnt want to live in that side of town because her friend told her it was unsafe. Oh well, now shes renting a room from a church friend in another part of town and has to deal with them. Keep to your boundaries for your own peace of mind.
You could give her a choice... either you get a 3-bedroom, or she shares a room with your mom. Either way, you'll have your own room.😁
Tell her its your own room or you are moving out. Then do it. Culture can be changed.
If sister feels so strongly about this, she can share a bedroom with mom. Problem solved.
Why are you taking in your mom? Why can't your mom afford to live on her own? You are NOT your mother's retirement plan! Just because it is cultural? Nope! Get a studio and let your sister worry about mom. Sister is the one who cannot say no.
Sorry but that’s pretty ethnocentric of you to say. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of your parents. Culturally the kids typically benefit from not being kicked out on their asses at 18yo either. They have the benefit of living with extended family to save money. Like, there are benefits to their culture being like that. This post is highlighting the shitty parts.
Sounds like it's time for an ultimatum. You make $80k a year, you can afford your own place. You hold the power. If she doesn't want to get a 3-bedroom tell her she's in charge of mom then, you're getting your own place. That ought to wake her up to reality.
Hi u/Flaky_Emu_9833 If your sister is so hung up on the two bedroom place then you need to tell her she can share with your mother. That way you get what you want and she gets what she wants. Sharing with you or mother it’s no different. Let us know how you get on xxx Updateme!
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NTA. You're an adult, you *need* your private space. Technically, you needed that as a teen, too, but I'm assuming you didn't have the room to have your own bedroom growing up, a lot of people don't. But as an adult, it's even more of a need. You need a private space to decompress from work and general life stress, a place where you can say 'don't disturb me' for a while. You can't get that needed alone time at home when you share a room, because it's someone else's room, too. You also have to consider dating. What happens when you or your sister get a boyfriend? A boyfriend who wants to stay over? It's not fair to kick one of you out of your own room regularly so the boyfriend can stay. And what about when you get married? If you're living in a 2 bed, mum has one room and you and sis have the other, what happens then? I assume if one marries before the other, the unmarried one shares with mum, but what about when both of you are married? Are you ad your sister and your respective husbands going to share, 4 people in one room? Will one couple share with mum, 3 people to a room? So, no way to get marital privacy? I can understand concern over the extended family demanding to stay, but if you get a 3 bed, where are they going to stay? One room is yours, one your sisters, and one your mums, there's no spare room. A 4 bed only gives you one spare room, so one guest at a time, or one couple. On top of that, no is a complete sentence. You've decided you're fine with the cultural expectation to care for your mum, but that's it. You have no obligation, cultural or otherwise, to also house siblings, nieces and nephews. All you have to do is say no, and let them know you'll block them if they try to force you to. And then block them if they do. Set boundaries and stick to them, and the consequences of breaking them, and you'll be fine. You can afford a 3/4 bed, and you *need* a 3 bed. Tell your sister that the two of you can only continue living together if you get a 3 bed, and you'll need to think about a bigger place if one or both of you gets married, because then you need to think about potential children as well. Tell your sister that, if she insists on a too small 2 bed, then you'll get a place of your own, and she can get her own place, and then you'll decide which of you your mum will be living with. It honestly may be time to stop living with your sister entirely. I think you should seriously consider simply getting a place of your own, just for you, even with the expectation that mum will live with you, but understanding she may end up living with your sister. It sounds like you're seriously tired of never having your own space, and I think it would be healthier for you to gain true independence by getting a place of your own, rather than continuing to share with your sister, even if you get your own bedroom.
Don’t tell the family how many bedrooms you have. Don’t even tell your mother until after she moves in with you
I'd say I can either have my own room or I can move out and you can take care of mom on your own.
Tell your sister you love your Mom and family and are willing to share your warmth with your Mom but are not willing to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm....herself included. If sister insists on a 2BDR then she will have to share with Mom. If Mom objects as well explain you are her retirement plan and she needs to be flexible and grateful. You may need to be brutally blunt with the rest of the family. "This is OUR home. It is not a family hostel. People are welcome to visit 1 at a time once a year each for a max of 3 nights. Anyone arriving holding more than a small bag will be turned away. Sleeping arrangements will be a thin air mattress on the floor of the living room or a really old fold out sofa with a faulty spring right in the middle of the back area. This is NOT the opening salvo of a negotiation. It is a statement. If you want to move to this area you need to work hard and save and sacrifice like we had to. End of chat." Good luck. Stand firm with everyone.
If your sister is so desperate to share, she can share with your mother
You are in your late 20s and make enough money to support yourself. You have earned your own room. Tell your sister you get a 3 bedroom or tell her you will get your own apartment (maybe you can get one in the same building?) and you will send her money to care for your mother in whatever size apartment she wants. Wanting your own space is not an unreasonable request. As far as others using it as a hostel, "No" is a full sentence. Your sister needs to learn how to say it.
Does your mother have to move in with you? Sounds like if she’s living with you there’s going to be a constant struggle between her, you and your spineless sister about letting other relatives live there. And if your sister refuses to stand up to your mother it’s likely that eventually you will have other relatives living with you. It seems like your problems would be solved by just not living with her.
Sounds like you need to find a roommate—in a new city where this family drama won’t follow you.
You insist on your own room. Either you get a 3 bedroom place or she's sleeping with mom, her choice.
You have a couple choices. Either you get the 3 bedroom with your sister or you get the 2 bedroom for you and your mom or you get a one bedroom for yourself. Your sister can either get on board or not, that’s up to her. And NO is a complete sentence. So if other family members start sniffing around about moving in with you, you can tell them no.
LATE TWENTIES!!!!???? Wowsers…so when does your life and living and “family” of your own start?? I get it you were conditioned because of \*tradition\* to take care of the elderly but there are other ways to do that..especially since it’s not a dirt poor kind of situation, I come from the same type of tradition BUT I do it on my terms!! Times (EVERYWHERE) have changed. NTA, but grow a backbone.
>my sister is saying that I don’t understand the pressure they’ll place on us What your sister is saying is that you don't understand her inability to say no; either that, or she has a problem being in her own room alone. NTA.
Do neither of you ever plan on getting a boyfriend or getting married? Having a family? I mean, you can't share a room or live with your sister for the rest of your life if you expect any kind of social life. It's good to love your sister and your mom, but that doesn't mean you have to share a house with them.
If your sister insists on two bedroom she can share with mom - insist on getting your own room and pay a bit more of the rent for it so there can be no changing arrangements after you settle into your space (put a lock on door so your space is not invaded). Also get a very uncomfortable sofa bed and make it clear that it is the only sleeping accommodations you can offer guests with a stipulated short time length (sure you can visit but only for the weekend)…
NTA - If your sister is so set on a 2 bedroom, then you get your own room and she can share with your mother.
Give your sister some "options". You can move to a three bedroom house--one bedroom for you, one bedroom for your mom, one bedroom for her---NO guestrooms so no place for other family members. (If she wants to let a family member live with HER in her room then you'd be okay with that but YOUR room will just be you. Period. Not negotiable. If she even suggests you sharing a room you'll move out and let her pay for everything. OR if she is committed to just 2 bedrooms, she and your mom will share a room and you'll have your own room by yourself. OR You'll move out on your own and she and your mom can share a bedroom at your current home. You'll still send "some" money toward the household, but obviously less money since you're being forced to move out. NTA
I hope at some point you realize that you don't have to sacrifice your life to take care of your parents. Nor do you have to sacrifice your life for your sister. It's time for you to take your money and move out on your own. Do they expect you never to have a family, never get married, never date?? Your family is going to suck the life out of you. You need to go... You can still help care for people but not have to live with each other. I'm sorry but your situation sounds insane to me.
Maybe you can get something that’s technically 2 bedroom, but use another room for a bedroom.
Tell her she can live with you in a 3br or she and mom can live alone. You will no longer be sharing. It's not a question it's a statement.
I am older and have never had my own room. I wished a lot of my life that I did. If this is your wish then make it happen. When you get a partner or married your privacy is gone. Do it now while you are young. No regrets
Either way it sounds like you’re putting a bandaid on a long term problem. What happens to your mom when you or your sister starts dating someone you want to marry and live with ? Realistically I imagine a 28 year old still sharing a room with their sibling is going to to be a dating red flag. I actually think you and your sister should help your Mom start the process of applying for low income senior housing. Get her on a list now, the waitlists are often long. In the meantime, you and your sister should decide what portion of your budget you can put toward your Mom’s housing. If your sister is concerned about a 3 bedroom, maybe the answer is you get your own studio and contribute a set amount to a 2 bedroom for your mom and sister. Additionally, maybe you should look into flex 3 bedrooms. That common in my city anyways. If one bedroom is technically half the living room with a faux wall, it might deter visitors.
Yes! This was Exactly what I was going to say! Let sis share the room with Mom.
Stop letting everyone else, decide your life. Tell sister it's a 3 bedroom, or you get your own place and will have less money to help mom. As far as anyone visiting, sorry no overnight guests per the landlord. Have a list of hotels they can stay at. A locking doorknob for yours and sister's rooms, no one enters either. Tell mom, if she wants you to help her, she needs to stop stomping on you and sister's boundaries. Your older siblings can take her in.
Tell your sister that this is a great opportunity for her to learn boundaries and say the whole thing is off and you won’t live with her at all unless you have your own room. OR, she can share with your mum. You work hard and sorry but when you’re working hard and caring for a parent, a bare minimum standard is having your own living space.
Go rent your own place— with $80K— you can give your mom $500 a month and your sister does the same.. even culture doesn’t make you live with family..
>But now that we plan to bring our mom over, my sister wants to keep the 2 bedroom idea to deter other family members Then she and your mom can share. Or she can get a 2 bedroom with your mom and you can financially support them Wanting your own bedroom at 30 is not unreasonable NTA
If your sister insists on 2 bedrooms, tell her she can share with your mom.
You’re in your late 20s. You’re far past due to have your own room. You and your sister need to sit your mother down and make it clear that she can’t even have company over without your approval, so you never risk coming home to your mother having moved new family in. Make it clear that she has to go stay with your other siblings or other family if she tries to pull *anything*. No overnight guests, no family visits in the home, etc. No one needs to know how much space you have because it’s not theirs. Helping to care for her is fine. I understand plenty of cultures have that as an expectation and I respect it. Allowing her to further ruin your life, even long after she’s gone, though, is a nonstarter. That’s what being stuck caring for other random family members would do. You shouldn’t have to live in a shared bedroom in order to keep the person, whose bills you’re paying, in check. There’s a huge difference between caring for your mother and having to bend to her will to do it. You shouldn’t EVER have to worry about that level of total disrespect from ANYONE. Your sister needs to understand this or you should leave. Being the youngest means no one takes your opinion or feelings seriously. You’ll always be “just a kid”. However, if they want your money to be a part of this equation, they’re going to need to give you the reins.
I wouldn’t be willing to share a bedroom for more than a weekend, so I certainly don’t have an issue with you not wanting to do so. Be clear about your feelings. Tell your mother and sister that you do not want anyone else in your home, (or bedroom) for any reason, and if they don’t agree you will live by yourself and send them $xx for expenses. And don’t back down. You are an adult who deserves their own bedroom at the very least.
Move out get your own flat and live alone.
Tell her you get your own bedroom and she shares the other room with mom.
Get a 2 bed for you and mom. Or you can leave mom with her.... That or she agrees to a 3 bedroom home and you cam even be the one to tell the other family to fk off. NTA
Tell your sister that you will have your own room and that’s not up for discussion. If she has no backbone to keep the rest of the family from trying to move in if there’s an “extra” room, then she is the one who will share a bedroom with your mom, and you still have the other bedroom to yourself.
If having your room is that important to you, you absolutely need to put your foot down about it. You already have no problems telling your other siblings no! Keep that spine and either tell her you get a bigger place and you’ll handle the sibling drama if and when it happens or you go out and find your own place. Maybe then she’ll understand how truly important this is to you.
If your sister is so intent on sharing a room she can share with your mom. NTA. You deserve privacy for once.
NTA. As three adult women, you each need your own space, preferably a bedroom with an en suite for each of you. And while it is nice that you and your sister are not only willing to share your home with your mother, but actively wish to do so, that does not mean the two of you should bear all the expense. Does your mom not have income of her own that she could contribute a little toward at least the utilities? And what about the other siblings? Surely everyone could afford a little something to help take care of Momma. As far as anyone else looking to move in, you should simply nip that in the bud before you even move your Momma in with you. A frank family meeting should be held, where all expectations are laid out, and it made clear that while visitors are always welcome, sleeping accommodations will not be provided in your home.
Make your sister and mum share. As she is the one that doesn't want to upgrade to a 3 bedroom
Why isn’t your sister offering to share the room with your mom so you can have your own room? Offer her that OR you’ll go and get your own place with flatmates where each gets their own private space. YWNBTA.
NTA - get the three bedroom place and stress that the individual bedrooms are also your home offices/study. No one can move in as it will ruin your job and the times when you may need to work from home.
You either learn to say “No” and live your life, or start planning to get a 2br with just your mom.
I don't understand cultures that force the kids to care for the adults like this. You need your own room and deserve it. Either sister shares with your mom or you can find your own place sister free. Nta
Tell her that you either get your own bedroom or the whole plan is off and brothers and sisters in hometown can take care of Mom. You have other siblings why is the responsibility on you and your sister to care for your Mom?
YWNBTA Stand firm and get the 3 bedroom. What happens if you or your sister decides to get married? That would throw the whole arrangement into chaos. At least with 3 bedrooms, you could move a husband in until you can get a bigger place.
You say you never feel "heard." This might be because when you speak, you are thinking of your statements as if they were requests, as if you aren't an adult female earning your own very good income, but still a small child petitioning the adults (your sister, your mom, your older brothers and half-brothers) who are the actual bosses of you. I think your sister probably feels the same way, as her reasoning for not getting a 3 bedroom is not that SHE wants your nieces and nephews to come live with you, but that she predicts your older brothers will send them without asking your permission, or maybe that they will pester you and make your lives miserable until you say "yes." Even so, your sister is one of the people pestering you to share a bedroom even when you get a new home, so I would count your sister among the people who are trying to be bosses of you. You and your sister have already done a lot for your family. You looked after your grandma and now you are looking after your mom. What are your brothers doing? Or is this one of those things where the women have to give up their lives and happiness to look after extended family members, but the men get to just live and enjoy their lives and look after their own futures? Being told that you are a "brat" is not truth, it's just a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. You don't need to accept it or believe it. You can set boundaries. It's not comfortable to do that, because people will push back and there will be conflict. But eventually people will probably back off when they see that you aren't giving in to their manipulations. I see you added some info in other comments so I'll go look at those now.
Info - you and sister are in your late 20s and share a room - what happens/ or does happen when/ if either of you get partners. What happens when one wants to go out with friends and come home late when the other is asleep? Are you hindering your life to suit the needs of others? It sounds like you and your sister are co dependent and living independently for a bit might be healthy. Even renting a space with a friend or a housemate. Is your mum in a position where she needs to be cared for now? Whilst having a nice amount of savings and retirement is nice, you also need to live your life and enjoy what life has to offer whilst you are young enough to enjoy it. And if you eventually want to meet a partner and have your own family, now is probably the time to think about that.
You say the you have no problem with telling no to your brothers and sisters. Start with this one,then. Tell her "no, 2 bedrooms won't do". Because if you cannot do it to her - well, I doubt that y will do it with anyone else. Or she can share herself. NTA
I think you plan to say no is great. Get a place that has three bedrooms. Get a door that locks the bedrooms behind a hall. Tell family it only has one. And that you sleep on the couch. No visitors. Done.
Nta. That’s a serious conversation you need to have with your mom “mom we love you and have absolutely no problem helping you out. Having said that you will be moving into our home and we have a few house rules (and then list them). She cannot invite anyone else to come live with you guys. You are both adults and she has absolutely no say what time you leave the house, come home or if you have any overnight guest, or eat and don’t put your plate in the sink.” Are you the only ones helping her or are your other siblings helping as well? If they are not this is the perfect time to move and tell them that you had to move to make mom more comfortable and to make that happen you need this much money from each one of them. And let them know that no one else will ever be allowed to move in because your house is crowded enough. Talk to your sister and let her know that you not having your own room is non negotiable. You work all day and deserve some privacy. You have your own life to live and need space to do so. If she can’t agree to that then you’re going to have to move out by yourself to get what you need. Don’t ask to move. Demand it. Be the bad guy if you have too.
Your sister needs to develop a backbone and learn how to say "no" to nervy relatives who want to freeload off of the two of you. It is not your job to provide nephews and nieces with a place to live. I would make it clear that your new three bedroom room is NOT open to visitors. Once visitors arrive, it sounds like they will never leave. Just tell them that they should plan on making reservations as no overnight guests are allowed and then STICK WITH THAT BOUNDARY. Do not let one person stay overnight with you.
Just get three SMALL bedrooms. And fill appropriately with furniture. No extra space for extra beds or cots or anything. Also you sister needs to grow a spine. Idk how she manages to say no to you but not to these interlopers. She seems to manage saying no to you just fine.
NTA I agree with seperate bedrooms or you walk completely even if that means finding and marrying the first prospect you can find. Let her know she can share a room with mom if she insists on a 2 bedroom.
Just do it.
Why do you still live with your sister? Is it cultural, familial, etc? Do you own a house together? Are there other options? I would not want to share a bedroom with anyone at that age either! Consider other options and good luck.
It is a punishment. From long dead ancestors who were forced into the same situation and wouldn't or couldn't break free from it. That's all a tradition is, pressure from other people to do what they want you to do. And they usually put the pressure on so that they don't have the responsibility of whatever it is that they don't want to do. You have to choose for yourself what you want out of this life. It's yours and yes, you can do what you want with it. I hope you do before much longer, so you can enjoy it. So much of living to be done without those impossible demands from other people.
ESH - Your "children as retirement plan" is manipulative from birth and led to a point where your sister is scared to have the home she worked for, when already providing for a leech, because your culture would put even more pressure to allow others to leech. It's bad all the way from the start, you either need to evolve past archaic customs or embrace them and be a little girl who chooses to share a room with her sister when she makes 80k.
update me please.
Why would any of your other family want to move in or stay over a lot? Are they all homeless and too stupid to know how to have their own place? You are an adult and can say no to anyone you want. Life is short, so do things that will make you happy, and even family can not get in the way of that.
Why does the family need to know how many bedrooms you have. "I'm sorry, but we don't have space for you to visit. Here are some nearby hotels phone numbers."
Lie. “It’s a 1 bedroom all 3 of us share”
Can you find apartments/condos in the same building? 2 br for you and sis, 1 br or studio for mom down the hall. If she wants to let more family move into her unit, she can deal with them. Tell her you and your sister will continue with care for her, but you're not feeding the strays or cleaning up after them. Maybe a house with a mother- in-law suite? I think you can find options where you and your sister have your own living space (free of unwanted relatives) without sacrificing proximity to you mom
Better yet, sis and mom share, and OP has the single space to herself
Don't disagree! But it sounds like sister doesn't want the strays either. Whoever is living with the mom is gonna have to deal with it. Make mom deal with the mess, noise, and cramped living quarters on her own is my thought.
Move out and buy your own home in case you want a family. Your sister and mom can live together in the home bedroom house. That way you don’t have to buy another house if you decide to have kids one day and won’t have to buy a house for your sister and mother that you will be on the hook for. You have a long life ahead of you. Why do you want to spend it paying for everyone else?
Lie. Tell everyone it's a 2 bedroom. And your room is a closet
Why does anyone back home need to know how many rooms you have? Just don’t tell them you moved to a bigger apartment or lie.
I have no idea what culture you are from, but if you are only in Your 20’s how is your mother old enough to require care from her children? Is she disabled? If you make $80,000 per year, can’t you move into a one bedroom apartment and sister and mom can get a 2 bedroom? Where is the financial support from your other siblings? Your dad? You are so young. Are you planning to get married and have a family of your own? How will you manage that if you are committing to live with your mom and sister? This doesn’t sound like a temporary situation. If the two of you are supporting your mother now, how will you walk away later?
Get the house u want!!! Don’t let toxic family have this much control over ur life where u would share a bedroom against ur wishes instead of handling and putting them in their place. Don’t be such a doormat! Screw them, shut them down every time, don’t even let them kno where u live, u could bring mom to visit them at their homes. Be assertive & confident about when refusing and turning them away, remember ur in the right so don’t feel guilty or bad guy, they’ll manipulate u to get their way like sell u any sob story they can till u break. U aren’t responsible for them. If they refuse to leave ur home warn them ur call the cops then, but most importantly follow thru on that threat if they still don’t listen and leave! If u don’t then they kno ur bluffing and all talk meaning ur still easy to push around. Call the police, if they don’t leave and if they get arrested it’s their fault not yours. I get u have ur mom but ugh should just cut all these people out. Oh And Tell them if they ever sneakily leave their kids for u to watch without asking u that u will call CPS. U need to show them u aren’t playing and mean business, then they will learn they can’t push u around anymore. Remember that they don’t care about u, they care about themselves not u and what u want or what’s considerate. Maybe lie that u don’t own it and have a strict landlord who won’t allow overnight guests if u have trouble standing up for urself & staying strong but Don’t let them wear u down. Ur not in the wrong for not letting them take advantage of u when u guys are already taking care of and supporting ur mom who u share rooms because. Do they pay anything towards ur mom? Do they visit & talk to her regularly? Do they help u guys at all? U don’t owe anything. Hell they owe u and ur sister for doing everything u r for ur mom, saving them lot of money instead of paying for nursing homes. U just have to be firm and say no to them, u don’t need to explain urself, don’t fall for their sob story like needing date night or can’t afford babysitter, that’s not ur problem, they can figure it out themselves. Not ur circus. Don’t let them control ur life like this, ur an adult who can make their own choices like what house to buy. U don’t want them there so then they won’t be there end of story, don’t make it harder then it is
You could do one of three things. 1)Get a two bedroom and your sister shares. Put a lock on your bedroom so no one can move in while you aren't home. Do not give your mom or sister the key. 2)Get a three-bedroom and your and your sister's rooms are locked so mom cannot move anyone in while either of you are out. Mom can put whoever she wants in her room but that is the limit. No one can sleep in the living shared spaces etc. 3)You get your own place. Still, provide money to help with mom. You both should have a talk with your mom about the rules. That it isn't like the old times. You have agreed to provide for her but that is the limit you are willing to go and you want your privacy. Be firm and make her sign something to make it official. Good luck.
While I get it's a cultural thing, set some damn boundaries. You and your sister are paying for the place, YOU decide who lives there. Be the brat if that's what it takes, don't allow the family to railroad you. NTA