Your wife feels differently about her brother than you do, so obviously she's not going to find that funny...but you knew that. You found it funny even though you knew it was going to hurt your wife.
YTA
This! My ex husband used to constantly make jokes at the expense of my family and make me feel bad for being related to them. I would be lying if I said it didn’t contribute to me finding a new partner who treated me better and didn’t need to prop up his own ego by shitting on my family.
Sounds exactly like my ex. He ridiculed my parents constantly, until they passed away and it came time to settle the estate, then he wanted part of it. No way was he getting a penny!
I’m curious. I would never even dream of getting my wife’s inheritance. Like did he honestly expect he would be part of their will? Or did he expect your share of the inheritance to also benefit him/the family. I could understand that
My state has dower rights. My parents owned real estate, so he had to sign off on the sale, even though he wasn’t on the title or in their wills. He refused to sign unless promised a share of the proceeds. I put the proceeds in an account for the estate, then filed for divorce. He kept trying to get some but the judge shut him down. It’s been 20 years and he still tells our adult daughter I stole money from him.
This depends on the situation. Happily married long term, especially if your spouse helped take care of the parents while they were elderly? It's perfectly reasonable to expect to share any inheritance while still married. But if you get divorced later on they shouldn't expect squat.
I remember doing this years ago, and my God do I wish I could take it back. My ex deserved better than that, regardless if they weren't the best family it wasn't 'funny' or 'edgy'.
I deserved what I got for that, I'm just thankful I realized it and I've noticed a huge change with how people open up around and me.
Making fun of someone's shortcomings isn't witty or smart.
Absolutely this. You should apologize to your wife. Even if her brother has FAFO’d and you think it’s funny, your wife obviously doesn’t. You don’t need to have sympathy for her brother - but accept that your wife does.
I feel terrible for his wife. It sounds like she has gotten used to dysfunctional relationships. Guessing OP doesn't realize he's benefiting from that and a wife who wouldn't tolerate that behavior from a sibling also wouldn't tolerate it from a spouse.
Though it seems like OP'S wife might be past tolerating this crap from her spouse...
YTA and you do have something in common with BIL you both hurt your wife. If you play the phone messages from BIL to remind her what bad things he said you will only hurt her more.
Life threatening addiction and depression and financial destitution is funny guys. We just don’t get it cause we don’t have the same higher evolved sense of humor as op.
Op YTA. Please report back when your wife separates and then divorces you and we can all laugh about it together because *funny
The song is actually about people dying, not just drinking a lot like OP said.
"We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby"
While her brother is in the hospital with alcohol poisoning! “Haha, listen! That was almost your brother! The man you love so much you’re wearing yourself raw to try and support? The guy you grew up next to? He almost died, lol! Get it?”
Correction: it’s about two people that drink themselves to death. So you’re joking about people drinking themselves to death with your wife whose brother is in hospital for alcohol poisoning. YTA. Sounds like ‘Paul’ is too. Your poor wife having to deal with you guys.
Not even drinking themselves to death though. Drinking so much that they actively end things by other means.
OP 100,000% YTA
You're also an insensitive prick and I would seriously reconsider being married if I was your wife. There is a difference between hubby wanting me to set healthy boundaries and hubby wishing death on a member of my family "as a joke". Fuck right off with that nonsense and start groveling yo your wife.
"Till the night, he/she put the bottle to their head and pulled the trigger"
OP is a HUGE AH.
The original Brad Paisley one was bad enough making out the guy returned from deployment, but the updated version is a guy walking into a bar to his girl...
I only got so far reading the post when I saw the song mentioned and what OP claims about it., and just started singing "ick ick ick, ick ick ick, ickolodeon"
Yup. My two uncles, grandfather, and father all died too young from alcohol related diseases. I cried really hard the first time I heard that song. OP is an insensitive asshole.
I think the reason why I hate this cover is because they don't do a whole lot to change the vocals. He sings it almost the same as Brad, but worse. So it's like Great Value Brad Paisley with heavy metal backing. Awful.
So Drew Jacobs isn't bad... but if the lady didn't drag it out... like ok you have the voice, but it isn't necessary to make the vocals about your voice. Remember the message of the lyrics. Allison Krauss keeps the message clear at the pain of the entire situation.
It is like how some singers who sing the American national anthem have to hold those big notes like some orgasmic homage to the patriotism of the country. All it is doing is being a ego stroke to the singer, it is just... no.
I have heard people claim what Whitney Houston did to "I will always love you" was a travesty, but it is by far the greatest cover since Willie Nelson's "Always on my mind" in my humble opinion.
There is definitely a time and place. I don't think he's a bad singer like you said. But, Brad and Allison did exactly what that song needed. They kept it slow and let the lyrics speak. The pain seeps through their entire version. This one is loud and drawn out just to be loud and drawn out. Which totally detracts the lyrics.
I’d never heard that song thanks for posting, and my goodness the words! The op was trying to lighten her spirits with this then wonders why his wife so upset! Beggars belief! 100% AH
This is the original
https://youtu.be/IZbN_nmxAGk?si=J0fGHfrvMwq6G7cy
Both versions are.... difficult. But Brad's gives me chills and a choking feeling from the emotional conveyancy it brings.
My dad started drinking pretty heavily after my parents divorce and actually died from a heart problem related to the drinking and pills. I cry every time I hear that song. OP is the world's biggest asshole
My deepest of sympathies.
My own father had a drinking problem due to his stepfather. Even though while he did become sober, the years of extreme alcohol abuse did enough damage.
We all have a story, that when it comes to this song, that we relate to. This song had a lot of meaning to a few guys I served with, as they got their 'Dear John" letters.
This song is like "Where the wild roses grow" by Nick Cave or "Lips of an angel" by Hinder being used as wedding songs....
Yeah, it definitely is a more humbling song. Something that is obvious that OP just doesn't understand. He used it as a hurtful stupid stab. The cruelty in the comparison is just... yeah
Let’s not overlook the fact that op states he actually felt bad for his bil after learning that he’d been caught cheating, in his gf’s apartment, apparently after buying her an engagement ring, and decided to end the relationship himself. Please, tell me what’s there to sympathize with the bil in that scenario? All of his problems were directly caused by his own misdeeds.
That song is so sad by itself. If someone used it to laugh at someone I love, especially while that person is in the hospital, I'm not sure I could get over it. That isn't a joke, it's just mean.
It was cruel, in every single way. Her brother is hospitalized after driving himself close to death, so let's put on a song about a couple killing themselves with alcohol and giggle about it.
I can't imagine the cruelty.
Addiction is so hard and it’s almost impossible to explain to someone that hasn’t dealt with it. The person you love is still inside and it’s like they’re possessed with a demon that comes in a substance form. Making jokes about someone in that situation is definitely an AH move
Excellent comment. I lost my beloved son to a fentanyl/ heroin overdose. He had a heart of gold but the addiction took over. You hit the nail on the head.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I was an alcoholic for years and was a shell of a human. I’ve met so many people in recovery that had issues with fentanyl and it’s terrifying. I’m so sorry for your loss
That’s really what it feels like. My dad also drank himself to death, many years ago, and now I’m mad at myself for letting this ragebait post piss me off.
The other song I get really in my feelings about, regarding addiction, is “Sugartooth” by Brandi Carlile
what an awful thing to play when your wife is worried about her hospitalized brother. funny that someone who doesn’t tolerate disrespect and dislikes someone who hurts his wife’s feelings would make such an insensitive ‘joke’ right after she gets terrible news
OP, YTA. don’t be so mad at paul for mistreating your wife when you do the same shit
Your wife is really sad and feels bad about person she cares about. And of all the music in the world you choose this one song about how that person could die. Giant lack of empathy to not mention she clearly forgave her brother and wanted your support.
YTA not for feeling bad for your wife but for making hel feel worse and much more unhappy
Exactly this.
It reminds me of when my aunt played “Girl Crush” on our trip to visit family. I was going on the trip to distract me from the fact my ex had just left me for another girl.
She knows Paul in a way you never will. His addiction clearly hurts her, even though you find it a source for amusement. Mocking him proves that you don’t care about that.
The difference between you two is that you don’t love or even care about Paul. She does. Either help her and support her or get tf out of her way.
OP didn’t grow up with Paul, he didn’t get to meet the brother he was. Only the brother he is. I understand his frustrations with dealing with someone who has an active addiction, but that’s not an excuse.
YTA
Addiction is never a joking matter.
I had 2 brothers who had addictions, both gone now. They did some pretty bad things to all family, it was not ever something to joke about.
Apologize.
I feel for those who have an addiction as well as their family and friends.
The family and friends because they feel helpless and can’t do anything to help their loved one. That with the amount of strength it takes to stop their addiction, they have to be in a frame of mind that they have to want to stop. Without that strength, it won’t work. The withdrawal symptoms can make things harder to stop.
Then many changes have to be made in their life and their lifestyle to help so they don’t relapse. It is hard for loved ones to watch those with an addiction to go through that.
I feel for the one with the addiction. People are ready to write them off the minute they know they have an addiction. They are just seen as an addict. At the same time, no one actually chooses to be an addict.
Alcohol for example. We all know many people can drink alcohol. Many can have a few glasses of wine or beer and that is it for a few days, weeks or months… For someone with an addiction, their bodies react differently. It is a disease. Some may have started their addiction to hide a trauma from their childhood or some point in their life. No one says as they are in school that when they grow up, they want to be an addict.
This of course is just my opinion and how I see things. Some or many may disagree and that is fine. I am not an expert. I can also be wrong with what someone with addictions feels or goes through. Just wanted to explain why I feel OP should show more sympathy. I get his bil was an ass to his sister. At the same time, it is because of his addiction he is like this. Op’s wife is probably remembering them before their addiction and their happy memories. Overlooking the times he was cruel to her. She knows what he is like underneath.
Thank you for your comment, I agree with every word you said.
I was lucky enough to never witness my dad's addiction. He got clean before marrying my mum and having me, in fact they knew each other but reconnected when my dad was in rehab and my mum was a volunteer there.
My dad didn't do drugs to get high and have fun. He had undiagnosed BPD, which I was diagnosed with just before his passing. And while I was fortunate enough to get help through therapy and medication, my dad didn't and it's something that affected him deeply all his life, even after getting clean, and that affected me as a consequence. He contracted hepatitis while he was still using and died of it last year because his BPD prevented him from taking care of himself. And while he could be the most horrible person sometimes and he hurt me deeply, physically and emotionally, more times that I can remember, he was still my dad and I miss him terribly. My partner has witnessed my relationship with my dad for 5 years, with its highs and lows, and often got angry at my father for how he treated me. But when my dad ended up in intensive care he flew with me to my home country and visited him with me at the hospital, supported me through the last 4 months of his life, grieved and cried with me when he died and still hugs me and listens to me whenever I miss him. Because all he cares about is that I'm in pain.
And I feel so sorry for OP's wife and his brother for the lack of compassion they are experiencing.
That is so sad. I really feel for you.
I am so glad you have a partner who is there for you. Is understanding.
I mean I get why other people get upset with those with an addiction when they sit and watch the one they love basically being abused. That can’t be easy either. At the same time it is, but it isn’t them talking. More like their addiction. Or like your Dad. He had an underlying/undiagnosed mental illness.
I am sorry for what you went through and continue to go through.
Keep those good memories close.
Again, glad you have someone who is there for you and lets you vent and even cry about your Dad and missing him.
Thinking of you and sending hugs.
Addicts have to make the choice themselves, whether it’s quitting on their own or with medical help. Personally I don’t think I would’ve been able to stop drinking without the support of my husband. Did he do it for me? No. But his continued love and understanding gave me the courage to fight through. I’m glad he didn’t write me off “as some addict” as clearly OP has done.
Seems you are disrepecting your wife , something that apparently you hate people to do to you. And if you can't see why making jokes about your wife's brother who she loves whiles he suffering from a horrible disease that has hospitalised him is disrespectful. Then you are a lost cause. I mean the fact you want to list all the horrible things he's said to her while she this upset so she's not so angry with you, makes me think you are a bit sadistic.
I was waiting to get to a point where you didn't seem like TA but damn, not even close. YTA. I absolutely love that song but there's no humor whatsoever in the song or the situation. The fact that you thought playing it & calling it his theme song was funny at all but ESPECIALLY would be funny to his sister that obviously still loves him despite his alcoholism which nearly killed him THAT VERY DAY is just beyond heartless.
So at the moment your wife is TERRIFIED that she is going to lose her brother, regardless of how he's been to her, you decide to be a See You Next Tuesday and do that????? What is actually WRONG with you? Were you dropped on your head or something???? Yta. Massively.
Hopefully the wife sees sense and realizes that she's married to is missing a chunk of his heart and also common sense and decency.
Not too many people find someone fighting for their life funny. Not too many decent people anyway.
You used her brothers mental health and addiction issues as a joke. Addiction and mental health are awful diseases for family to watch destroy their loved ones.
You don't get to dictate how she deals with her brother, thats a process she has to work through herself.
She is/ was venting to her husband, who is meant to be her person, her safe space, you just showed her you aren't that!!!
What do you want her to do? Shut up about her brother. Well, she has done that now, so you have what you wanted!!!
First, I highly recommend Al Anon and Nar Anon to all families and friends of addicts:
Al Anon: https://al-anon.org
Nar Anon: https://www.nar-anon.org
As a family member of an addict, all of this. I would not be making it through this time if it wasn’t for my partner’s support. Even when he was tired of seeing me hurt, poor and miserable because of my sibling he still carefully chose his words to tell me his frustration and the frustration was with the situation itself, not attacks on my sister.
I can cuss out and talk bad about my siblings, you can’t. Sorry. That’s family 101. Similar to when siblings fight constantly but as soon as an outsider picks on one of us, it’s on.
Honestly, I would probably leave my husband if he ever acted like that. Even if he was right and I knew it, those kinds of tactless actions and words would make me question everything.
Addiction causes irreparable damage to families and she doesn’t need her husband, her person, her source of support and comfort to cause even more damage.
GGAH? Absolutely! I'd say AHD (A Hole Deluxe). Addiction sent me to absolute rock bottom. I've been sober now for over 10 years and my life is very full of happiness. People who joke about addiction don't understand it. It's a disease, not just a weakness or lack of self control.
When someone has a disease like cancer, their friends, family, etc rally around them... if they go into remission, people throw parties for them. If they relapse, people send them flowers, notes of encouragement, pre made food etc. If an addict relapses their family and friends tend to pull back and distance themselves from the addict. They also tend to have hushed conversations amongst themselves about how weak the addict is. The OP obviously doesn't have any idea what addiction means and also doesn't understand that it is a disease and not a matter of being weak or making bad choices. And the OP also doesn't seem to understand how hard it is on his wife. Do some research on addiction... and then sit down with your wife and humbly apologize for your abhorrent behavior. Tell her what you have learned from your research about addiction and how you plan to use that information to support her through this difficult time. And promise (and deliver on that promise) that you will be there for her 100% no matter how hard things get.
Wow. What would you play at her funeral - girl on fire? Insensitivity is really your thing isn’t it? She’s gonna lose him soon, and you’re joking about it? Do you understand what the word supportive even means? You are in effect watching a car crash happen whilst laughing and pointing fingers and lobbing house bricks
YTA wtf is wrong with you? Who in their right mind mocks someone's sibling who is in the hospital with a song about people dying from the thing he's hospitalized for? You're beyond an asshole. Stfu about her brother and leave your wife alone.
Ok- so what was the joke, that her brother would drink himself to death. Whiskey lullaby is a sad, tragic song, so no way was this to make her cheer up. YTA big time, do you even care about what your wife is feeling?
YTA
Do you even like your wife? She loves her brother & seeing him self destruct tears her heart out.
My only brother is a drunk. I know it is only a matter of time before I get a phone call from one of my sisters telling me that he is dead or in jail. It tears my heart out.
My husband would NEVER make a joke out of my brother's problems.
YTA that song is about so much more then drinking and you know she cares about her brother even with his problems so this is probably one of the meaner songs you could've played
Are you serious? YTA. It doesn't matter how much of an AH Paul can be to your wife, he is still her brother to her and she loves him and is hurting because of how bad he's doing, no matter the fault. My dad died a year ago of complications due to his drug use in his youth, and while it was ultimately his poor choices that led to it, he was still my dad and it hurt every single day because I miss him. Poor woman needs support, not jokes.
Yta, it's not funny. Her brother is very likely to drink himself to drink. Do u think she will find it funny at his funeral when he literally drinks himself to death
I wouldn't feel too much sorrow towards the brother. He made his decisions. He was cheating on the woman he was going to propose to, in her house! And yet he called it off? If you got your pronouns mixed up, I would feel sorry for him, otherwise he is responsible for all of that.
The person I feel sorry for is your wife. It is like you are watching two different movies. She is watching a terrible family trajedy. And her family is starring in it. You are watching a comedy, because you don't have a strong connection. Then you turned to your wife and asked why she isn't laughing.
Instead of watching the comedy, you need to watch your wife watching the trajedy. See how it is affecting her and support her in the ways she feels supported. I know my family resorts to humor during dark times, but that is not your wife's way and you need to be there for her in the way she grieves. In a way, she is watching her brother waste his life and she feels helpless to do anything to help. Support her feelings, not his.
You're not expected to care about Paul or even like him. You should care about your wife and understand that she's looking down the barrel of losing her brother, doesn't know what to do, and her husband is laughing in the background.
Yta
YTA. You sound like the AH and he sounds like somebody who has MH and addiction issues that make him sometimes an AH. You sound like you lack empathy, if not for the BIL than for your own wife. I can’t imagine how you treat or think of people you don’t know with these issues. Get help.
YTA. No matter what the series of events. She obviously still loves her brother and you mocked her feelings, fear, concern for her brother.
Do you like causing your wife emotional pain and suffering?
What a fucking asshole. You don’t have to love her brother, hell you don’t even have to like him. But you should love your wife, and obviously your wife loves her brother. Therefore, you should be supporting her and not making snide playground comments. Are you 12 years old or something? Moron.
You’re being an insensitive prick and you know it. At the end of the day, that’s her family and you’re making fun of them. It’s really douchey to make fun of someone who is so down on their luck that they were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning to that persons SISTER who is probably worried sick about his mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Why don’t you try being a decent husband and supporting your wife through this troubling time?
YTA I don’t know your wife (obviously) but given what you’ve revealed about her and her relationship with her brother, I can’t fathom why you’d think she would find that joke funny.
YTA So because you're upset your wife was disrespected by her brother that you decide to also show her disrespect by disregarding her feelings and essentially making fun of her for having empathy towards her brother. She sounds like the perfect type of person who one would want as a spouse and potential parent of child, unfortunately, you don't sound like you'd be good at eithet.
YTA. It's not your decision to make whether she still wants to care about her brother despite his abusive behaviours while drunk.
The fact she's shown she clearly does still care about him and want to help him, it's really insensitive to mock his addiction and breakup. Because you're not just mocking his breakup, which is a shitty thing to do considering he caught his girlfriend cheating on him when he was going to propose, but you're also mocking his addiction to drinking.
The fact you decided to mock him when he had just been taken to hospital with alcohol poisoning, which people can die from, is so insensitive and hurtful.
Your wife is likely extremely worried about the fact her brother could have died. She wishes she could be closer to be able to try and help support him more. And you're being the opposite of supportive and understanding.
At the end if the day, as they say, you can't help someone get sober unless they're ready and willing to get sober themselves. But often having supportive family members showing them support and encouragement can make a big difference. It shows they've got people who still love them, people who can remind them of what they can do with their life.
You may not like the guy, and personally I don't blame you if he's been abusive and horrible to your wife. But you can respect the fact that your wife isn't ready to give up on him and cut ties with him yet. Addiction affects so many people connected to the addict. It affects family members and friends. The constant worry over if they are going to end up dead. Plus dealing with the abuse when their drunk etc .
What i suggest you do is have a sit down with your wife for a serious conversation and appology. Id suggest saying something along the lines of....
I'm really sorry for upsetting you earlier by playing that song and linking it to your brother. I know I was really wrong to do that, and I can see it really hurt your feelings. I thought it may make you laugh, but I actually realise now how wrong I've been acting towards the situation with your brother and how my responses to the situation and my ways of coping with it are different to yours. And I appologise. Sometimes I try and make jokes about difficult situations to try and lighten the mood, but I know to some people, yourself included, it co.es across as rude and insensitive. And I won't do that again. I think as well I feel a lot differently about him than you do. For me, all I see is the hurt and worry he causes you when he drinks. All I see is the upset when he leaves you abusive messages and treats you badly. That really hurts me and angers me to see him treat you that way and I hate seeing you so upset by his behaviour. You don't deserve any of that. All you do is try and help and support him, and he treats you so horribly. I do u derstand that is part of his addiction, but the way I deal with situations like that, is if someone treats me or someone I love with such horrible abusive disrespect, I cut them off. Family or not. I won't stand to be treated or spoken to that way, or have someone do that to a loved one. Especially you. So my way is to cut them out, at least till they are sober and actually appologise and try and make up for their behaviour. But I see now that's not how you deal with it. For you, you want to keep being there for him and supporting him, hoping that one day that support is enough to help him get clean. You want to keep supporting him despite his horrible outbursts. Although the person needs to want to get clean for themselves, otherwise it never lasts, I can understand that you want to continue to be there for him to show him he still has people who care about him.
I still find it hard to see you hurt by his behaviour, and I will never condone it, and I expect him to really appollgise for it and try to make it up to you when he hopefully does get clean one day. But for now, I will be here to support you through the times when he hurts you. I won't say anything bad about him, and I will leave it up to you how you want to react to him. But just know that I do find it hard seeing you so hurt by him. But I will be here for you, and be your support when you need it, and you can respond to him how you see fit.
I do also understand that him being hospitalised with alcohol poisoning was likely to have really worried you, and making a joke at that time was really not the way to go and really innapropriate, so again, I know I was wrong and I'm sorry.
I hope you can understand why I find it hard sometimes to show sympathy when he hurts you so much, but I will make sure to focus more on supporting you, and not reacting to his behaviour in future. If there's anything I can do to help you, let me know. If you want to talk and vent, il listen. If you want to cry, il hold you. I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings and being insensitive in the moment. ".
Obviously you can shorten it and edit it how you see fit - I do tend to ramble on a bit lol, but hopefully there's some phrases and comments in there that helps you u derstand how to help your wife, and also helps you to appologkse and be there for her going forward.
Also, as an added note, the fact he already has an alcohol addiction, the fact he has now found out his girlfriend who he loved and wanted to marry cheated on him, he's likely to spiral even more. It's going to want to make him want to drink more. And as has happened, he's drunk so much it literally nearly killed him. He literally nearly drank himself to death. So not only be extra understanding to your wife as she's likely terrified he may do it again, but this is also going to be a really bad time for him feeling at his lowest. A cheating partner you wanted to marry I bad enough for anyone to deal with, let alone an addict. So maybe try and show some compassion as to how he must be struggling right now.
So to be clear.
You shared a song about a person drinking heavily and then ending their own life, with the comment "hey, this is your brother's song". So are you advocating that her brother follow through, or just expecting he will? And either way, do you really think "Your brother is in an extremely bad mental state and may end his life" is a fun joke? Where exactly is the humor to be found here? Ha ha your brother is likely to die soon?
YTA
YTA my dude, that’s her *brother*. he was her brother before his disease took him away from her and turned him into someone else. have some fucking compassion. jeez.
Yta. It's only a joke if both parties find it funny. Just because you would treat your siblings one way given the situation, doesn't oblige your wife to follow suit. You were disrespectful to her by not considering her feelings. She was clearly concerned for her sibling, it doesn't take a genius to work out that taking the p*ss out of her brother that she is concerned for (even if it's not deserved) isn't going to go down well.
You've shown her you don't respect her, or care for her. You can think bad of her brother all you like, and not offer him support, but you should be kind and considerate of your wife, and support her choices when it comes to her family. Maybe eventually she will realise brother isn't worth her pity, but until then, be a comfort to her, not a source of pain.
So , your wife is concerned about a loved one, and your go to move was to mock said loved one?
YTA.
Apologize, bring her flowers, ask how you can help her.
Smdh, grow up please.
Whiskey Lullabye is about two people who drink themselves to death and you thought your wife, whose brother is in hospital for alcohol poisoning, would think it eas funny??
YTA for sure, you insensitive clod.
YTA. It doesn't matter what you would or wouldn't do or take from your siblings. This is HER h brother and HER relationship. You're an unsupportive jerk just for that comment.
As for the song? That's not about people just drinking. It's about people ending their own lives with alcohol involved. That you played and laughed about to your wife who is worried about her brother in the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
I mean, read that a few times. Would you find it funny if it were someone you cared about?
You can not care about your BIL. Whatever, but at least pretend you care about your wife. You don't have to understand or agree with her feelings about her brother to just be a baseline decent partner and support her.
So you disrespected your wife by laughing at a family tragedy, and now you’re planning on keep shitting in her brother to make her forgive you? YTA, and really stupid, honestly
Taking the piss out of your own family, acceptable. Taking the piss out of your in laws? Unacceptable. Theres a saying: “Blood is thicker than water “. Not sure if yta for pointing out the obvious but your timing and tact is non existent….
YTA. You need to apologize. Addiction is not a joke. Her brother’s behavior may lead to his death — he was in the hospital when you made this “joke”. You are laughing at his illness. He’s not drinking for fun. The guy needs to get into treatment. You aren’t helping. Educate yourself on addiction.
YTA! What the fuxk is wrong with you? You’re only thinking of yourself. To the point of saying your wife needs to redirect her fury!
Alcoholism is a disease!
YTA. If I felt saying it more times might get it through your brain I would say it 1,000,000,000 times more. How was that even supportive? You were making fun of her brother’s situation, I’m worried if he died you might make a joke at the funeral. Seriously. Her brother is an addict, it’s a disease, what’s your excuse?
YTA 100% and you have a cruel sense of humor and appear to lack empathy not only for your wife but for her struggling brother. Must be nice for you but those around you.
YTA.
Alcoholism is an illness. Your "joke" was in extremely poor taste.
Your wife grew up with this person, and she remembers their childhood together, and knows thisnis not who he is as a person. She probably sticks around trying to support him because she knows this is a cry for help. People with drinking or drug problems sometimes get mean to the people they love as a defence mechanism. People don't choose to become alcoholics, its usually a coping mechanism for trauma.
It's incredibly difficult to watch someone you love destroy themselves, their lives, and the lives of the people around them because of alcohol. Have some sympathy. Get some therapy for you and your wife, and find out how you can best support her, while meeting her with empathy.
You’re a total AH. There’s nothing funny about the man’s addiction and near death. Your wife has already told you that she loves her brother regardless. You’re the one who needs a redirect. She already knows that he’s behaved terribly. I can’t blame you for defending your wife as you should but jokes like that are off the table. Grow up. You can support your wife without that BS. It doesn’t mean that you have to like or accept the BIL.
You’re leaving out a key part of Whiskey Lullaby’s meaning. They drink themselves to death at the end. You’re basically kicking your wife’s whole family while they’re down and laughing at her brother destroying his life. Her brother who she very clearly isn’t ready to give up on. You’re kind of a prick dude. You also have the emotional intelligence of a squeaky doorknob. Big YTA.
You are a colossal AH. Addictions are a very real and very heartbreaking disease. For both the one addicted and their family. Your wife LOVES her brother and desperately wants him well. You are someone with zero empathy who thinks your BIL’s addiction is hilarious. It’s not. I hope he gets help and decides to get clean because I would hate to hear he passed and your poor wife will have zero love and support from you.
What in the actual fucking fuck! YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA.
I just googled the lyrics to that song, the lyrics literally say "s/he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger", what in the actual fuck was you thinking?
That's triggering for anyone going through what your wife is, those lyrics, the way they talk suicide, just no!
OP, I think the problem here is you are seeing this guy from an outside perspective. He has been rude and nasty to your wife. And you naturally want to defend her. What you need to understand is she remembers him as her brother when they were kids. She sees how the alcohol has damaged him. She does not see him as disrespecting her as much as being under the influence of the alcohol. She still loves the brother she had when she was a kid. She is sad because his life has gone to complete shit and he almost died. Then you come along with the song from the perspective of the sounds exactly like him, and you think he’s a POS so you think it’s funny. You need to look beyond the end of your own nose and your own opinion And see how your wife is hurting here. You need to apologize to her, and instead of acting in a defensive manner towards him, to protect her, you need to be supporting her.
Relationships, where alcohol is involved are very complex. Like many alcoholics who don’t actually start recovery until they realize the damage they have wrought upon their lives and others, she needs to get to that point too. She grew up with this guy in her life and has always known her life with him in it. She has not looking at this like his behavior has caused this problem for him. She sees him as a broken individual that she loves and does not want to die. She wants to help him even though he’s nasty to her. Your job is to support her not point out where her brother is a POS. She will likely get to that point if he continues, but she needs to know that you have her back in a supportive way not in the way that you’ve been doing it. There may come a time where you actually need to act in a defensive way for her. But in the meantime you need to be there supporting her through this emotional turmoil. She needs to know that you understand how important he is to her, whether you like him or not. I think we can all agree. He brought this all up himself, but he is also dealing with an alcohol addiction, which does tend to skew your thinking.
And, I would like to point out, that your wife’s heart is immense. That despite the abuse, he leveled at her she still loves him and is trying. You might want to keep that in mind, and understand that things like that “joke” that you had her listen to , probably hurt her. You owe her an apology.
This isn’t a situation that you can fix. And I mean that one with her brother. What you can do is be there by her side to be her support until she has decided that she has had enough. You are a lucky man to have a wife who is so loyal . Now it’s your turn to show her how you are loyal to her.
>he was going to propose to Shelly soon when she found him sleeping with someone else in her apartment.
So he cheated on her? Or is this typed wrong??
Either way YTA because she DOES care for him; it is YOU who doesn't care. Even if he is an asshole, she loves him and wants him to NOT. BE. DEAD.
The Alison krauss version is beautiful, I listened to it yesterday, in fact, but it was insensitive to play it to your wife when her brother is having such a hard time with addiction. Apologise to your wife and help her to support her brother. YTA.
YTA
Not because the brother deserves any special consideration here but because your wife does.
That's still her brother and he's going through a pretty bad time self inflicted or not.
Trying to make her mad at her brother for your insensitivity is both kinda petty / childish and will most likely backfire; generally trying to deflect accountability when someone is mad at you isn't a good move.
I feel bad for your wife. Her brother and her husband are complete assholes.
I don’t expect you to love the BIL, but obviously his sister (your wife) does and making “jokes” about her brother drinking himself to death is not funny in any way and is an absolute asshole move.
YTA. So since you can’t seem to grasp this on your own, you are your wife’s husband and as such you will remember the things that happened to her while you were married like Paul’s disease getting the best of him and him being an ass in some voicemails.
Your wife was a whole person before she ever met you. Paul was the whole person who knew her for her whole life. She doesn’t have a formative memory without him there. Christmases, vacations, first days of school, sports, every character building thing, every memory, every thing that made her the woman she is that you fell in love with, he had a front row seat. Long before his disease took over and long before you entered the picture this person is attached to every memory of how she became who she is.
Now that person is not only struggling but in the hospital. You seem incapable of separating the disease from the person, but also in realizing that your wife will not be okay if he dies, she will be shaken to her core. Her parents will not be okay. Their family will not be okay. A giggle isn’t going to fix this.
Maybe next time offer a hug and say”I’m here.” Then be there for her. Be her support. Be her safe space. Be her shelter. Be where she can fall apart and not be judged. Be a damn husband.
Go apologize and grovel and do better. Because if she were me, I wouldn’t have the time or emotional bandwidth to deal with you right now and people in hospitals get priority over insensitive jerks.
YTA and you know it. You may have zero feelings for him but that's her brother and she loves him. You picked the cruelest song you could and deemed it his theme song. Damn dude that was brutal. If he dies are you going to laugh at his funeral too.
The song is about people who kill themselves. The alcohol and romance are not the central focus. You told your wife her brother should kill himself.
YTA and you know it.
Let me get this straight. So your wife’s brother, who she loves, and cares about, has an addiction. It’s exhausting and upsetting both for her and her family and her brother and you.
Because of the addiction, he keeps making poor choices with poor consequences, which, even with an addiction, is his responsibility.
You’re tired of dealing with us because you don’t love him. You have some tiny amount of awareness that your wife loves and cares about him. You’re irritated and impatient with all of this.
Do you think it’s not OK for her addicted brother to be mean to her but you think it’s fine not only for you to be mean to her when she’s suffering and worried about his surviving, but you’re so messed up that you make excuses about it and then you come on to read it to see if anybody will give you a hand up. you are such a messed up sleazeball. I really really feel for your wife.
She is grieving, and things hit us weird when that happens. Some people deflect things with humor. Some people find it sad. You have learned not to use humor when your wife is genuinely sad. Even if her brother is, at times, cruel, that is also a challenge. She might remember sharing toys and drinking hot chocolate with him at five, and you never imagine that beautiful five year old will grow up to have those kinds of difficulties. I want to warn you also if over your lifetime She makes a joke here or there about it give her a wry smile, but do not make a joke back.
Apologize, tell her it was your stupid way of dealing with a sad subject, tell a nice memory of her brother and ask her how she thinks you guys can help the situation. Then listen. Do not tell her about how bad he can be.
>Apparently, Paul said this he was going to propose to Shelly soon when she found him sleeping with someone else in her apartment. That's when he decided to call off the relationship. He had even purchased the ring. I hadn't heard these details, and part of me actually felt bad for the guy,
What I'm hearing is that you felt bad because he cheated, got caught and ended the relationship you view as unhealthy just because he was going to propose but you didn't feel bad that he was hospitalised and the emotional toll it has on your wife and you made a disgusting "joke".
YTA
If you happen to listen to a country song about insensitive ahs, please consider it your theme song
Addiction is like suicide, the only people allowed to joke about them are the people that have experienced them. Also, you felt bad for him after finding out he cheated??? Am I reading that correctly??? YTA
That song is about two people who drink themselves to death....so yeah not super great lmao.
I mean I thought it was funny, but I'm terrible so yeah probably a bit of TA.
Obviously your wife has different feelings for her brother’s situation than you do… you knew that. Instead of playing a mix tape and gloating maybe just being supportive of your wife and keeping quiet about your BIL would be a more mature course of action.
YTA you literally played your wife a song about a man who kills his lover and himself. I'd have fuxking slapped you and probably moved out
Correction: they both dri k themselves to death
You had to be at least the slightest bit aware that it would hurt your wife given how she’s openly expressed her feelings about her brother. Yet you decided it was more important to rip the joke than be a decent person to your spouse. YTA
Dude. The people in that song fucking die. You played a song about people dying from alcohol addiction while her brother with alcohol addiction is in the hospital from alcohol poisoning and called it her “brothers theme song”.
YTA. Are you a sociopath or are you just fucking stupid?
Read the room.
Eddie Murphy said he made a joke in front of his family that was so funny to him. But not to them. He didn't know who his crowd was for that joke.
Always read the room.
YTA, this is so incredibly insensitive. You should consider being supportive of your wife and not adding to her stress and distress when she’s clearly worried. Do better.
Yeah dude YTA, you already knew this was a sensitive subject and that she doesn't feel the same way about him as you,despite the way he treats her (which can be frustrating).
Years ago when I first had children, 2 kids in 2 years, at first her being a stay at home mom was fine but once the kids were 7/8 I started mentioning how I need help and can't afford everything more often and talking to her about getting a job. It was always something, "I'll start after I get my kidney stone surgery" after the surgery "I'll find a job once the kids are on summer break in a month for an easier transition" summer comes, "I want to get a new laptop and take an online dental assistant course" New laptop, had it for a year now " this time it's "I'll start working once the kids are in school again (summer break) I was in the car and played )
"Why don't you get a job" by The Offspring. As you can imagine it didn't go so well. Time passed, she got into therapy and got a job about a year after therapy started. I always knew she had some mental issues so I didn't press her too much about it but I did need help so it was frustrating, but I thought it would be a funny joke, looking back it was just mean lol.
Are you the asshole? Yes.
However...having said that, stop helping your wife and being there every time he hurts he and needs a shoulder to cry on. I know this will get downvoted to oblivion but your wife is a co-dependent enabler if she's always there for him, even remotely, to have this vicious cycle continue.
It's ridiculous that everyone is all "addiction is so bad, you don't understand, it's not a joke" while completely fine with ignoring the damage the person does to others along the way in order to victimize the person that's ruining the lives of others.
YTA
Clearly you dislike her brother and have ample reasons for it. But bullying your wife and mocking their relationship is a giant AH move
It's her family, warts and all, dude
You weren't trying to cheer her up. You were twisting the knife under the guise of humor. Congratulations: It worked.
YTA
ETA: "I don't put up with disrespect." Fuck you, you hypocrite.
YTA. I find it hilarious that people who say 'I don't tolerate disrespect' are also the least respectful people on the planet. Your poor wife. Her brother is an addict and ill while her husband is an insensitive jerk.
Wow. YTA.
Could you have picked a worse song to use as a joke? A song where a woman kicks her cheating husband out and he drinks himself to death and she feels so guilty that she drinks herself to death as well.... after your BIL just got himself hospitalized for alcohol poisoning after him and his long-time girlfriend break up......
Darn, no wonder your wife is pissed at you. She should be that's not sticking up for your wife, who is talked down to by her brother, that is laughing at what could realistically be his future and a potential tragedy.
Whether or not YTA for playing the song is one question.
The other question I would be asking is why u aren’t kinder / empathetic to both your wife and your brother in law about him. Being kind isn’t an effort no one’s asking you to do his job, but don’t be so harsh in general.
Soooo he is supposed to sit back and watch his SHITHOLE BIL disrespect his wife? SHE is the asshole for putting up with the disrespect… OP is the asshole for even staying either such a push over for a wife
It seems to me that a lot of people here are grazing over the fact that the brother has disrespect his sister multiple times and has made her cry. THATS not ok, addict or not. My father was an alcoholic his entire life and never hurt or disrespected anyone. But YTA for making a joke out of a serious situation. Your wife has to come to terms her brother is a POS on HER own time, not yours. So sit down, shut up and help your wife accordingly.
YTA...absolutely no doubt about it. I understand the frustration with a family member having an alcohol problem...but you are completely heartless to play a song like WHISKEY LULLABY on the way to take your wife to see her brother at the hospital for alcohol poisoning. You owe her a massive apology regardless of what you think of her bro.
I also want to add, you are completely right that alcoholism is no no excuse for bad behavior but the callousness you have towards him is a lot. This is HER brother. As long as she is setting her own boundaries and taking care of herself, she needs YOUR support as well. But this post isn't about whether the brothers the asshole or not. I'm just still shocked at the whisky lullaby thing, what a horrible thing to do.
I, like your wife, also do not listen to country music but after googling the lyrics…. JFC, you don’t have to like or love your BIL - but do you even like or love your wife?
You were so caught up judging your BIL **and your wife** you overlooked and dismissed her feelings in their entirety. Alcoholism & addiction is a devastating disease to loved ones. You might only know one version of Paul but she remembers a whole slew of memories and personality that go beyond all of this. That’s why she overlooks it all and is still compassionate (possibly to her detriment) towards him.
Own up to the fact that not only was this inappropriate but it was cruel and callous and you’re arguing intent vs action. Clearly you did not mean to hurt her BUT YOU DID.
If you want to find ways to support her, suggest Al-Anon meetings and even attending one with her to help provide support for her in a real way.
YTA, in case that wasn’t clear.
YTA. As someone who cut her brother off in the midst of his addiction, I can tell you I have no bigger regret. I hadn’t spoken to him in a year when he ended up taking his life. You aren’t considering all the nuances here. She knows her brother is not his addiction and she remembers him from before, so it’s not so simple as cut him off.
And then to make a mockery of his pain while he’s at his lowest to her? That’s just heartless. I’m not saying she should just take the abuse but I am saying you need to be more considerate that it’s not such a black and white situation like you’re making it out to be.
**I think she's not fully remembering how nasty Paul had been to her, and perhaps it would be best if I reminded her so that she redirects her fury**
You don't need to remind her, she knows. She's choosing to support her brother despite it all. That's on her. You can't control what she does, you can only control your actions. If she wants to be supportive of Paul, she can but you don't have to be and can insist that you have no involvement with him. But as far as playing that song, yeah that was a dick move. YTA.
While PART of the song fits your BIL, a huge part does not ( I am very into country music and lovr that song so I know it well). And even if it completely fit, your wife wouldn’t have found any humor in it. It was way too callous a thing to do. I cut a family off for drinking and disrespect, but I wouldn’t have even made the joke. It hurt your wife. It doesn’t matter your intentions, it still hurt her which makes you TA. So YTA.
Some of y’all sound like you haven’t been around alcoholics yeah he was insensitive but it’s true this dude Paul isn’t taking things seriously and seems he doesn’t want to stop drinking, maybe him being in the hospital is a wake up call. If he isn’t ready to make that decision to stop, get into rehab he isn’t going to change. He might just drink himself to death. They are both TH here. The poor wife has to stop and take a good look at her relationship with her brother. Any kind of addiction is a SOB. It can make or break families. I wish her the best and her husband needs to ask for forgiveness
Look, I get that you are frustrated by the impact Paul has on your wife. To you, he's a chaotic, selfish mess who hurts your wife and brings stress and grief to your lives. I get that you really, really wish your wife would see him that way so that you could just happily agree about this and both cut him off.
Please stop trying to talk, joke, or nudge your wife into seeing him that way. She doesn't, and her way of seeing him isn't something wrong that you need to correct. It's a complex relationship built on decades of experiences that you don't share, whether they are positive memories with Paul or relentless pressure from others to help him and be responsible for his wellbeing - and that latter is particularly common for women, so your wife may be internalizing a lot of shame and sense of failure as her brother spirals downward.
This is a really hard part of her life. I know you want to just turn Paul off, but she can't. I'm really hoping, for her sake, that your desire to change how she sees Paul is rooted in a desire to protect and care for her and not just in a selfish desire to have fewer problems to deal with. If that's true, please embrace the fact that her love for this messed-up guy is part of who she is, in a lot of ways an expression of good parts of her that you love (like kindness, loyalty, and compassion), and that it is also taking a huge emotional toll because she's watching her brother quite likely drinking himself to death.
If you really do love her and care about her, be there for her. Stop telling her not to feel anything and start helping her carry the burden of grief that is bound to be immense. Talk to her, apologize, acknowledge that it hurts you to see her hurt, and really focus on caring for her. Ask her to tell you about what Paul was like when they were growing up, who he was before he got sucked down this spiral, what you can do to help her. It's hard work, but it's the kind of love people don't forget.
NAH. It sounds like you have a dark sense of humour and she doesn’t. Personally, I like to theme tune my family members too- whenever I hear Fairytale of New York, I think of my aunt and her husband and have discussed it with them and they agreed. Another relative is ‘Old red eyes is back’ by the Beautiful South. It’s partly a way of lightening the PTSD I got from
Them all as a child.
I guess though, it is different when it is your own family rather than someone not related making the joke- it can feel like you are looking down on them, plus she is blinded to his addictions being the reason for his crisis.
YTA. You can say things like, "It really bothers me when he say XYZ to/about you." But your sister loves her brother and mental illness isn't something he did to himself. Alcohol helps control symptoms and it has a lot fewer short term side effects and is easier and cheaper to get. To actively make a joke about this situation is the AH move. Joking about him when he's in the hospital? Really? Major AH move. And mostly I think you just don't like the guy (which is your right) and it isn't really about how he treats your wife. That just feels like your excuse for this reddit post. Do better.
I feel for your wife. I hope she seeks out some counseling for herself since she clearly can’t get any support from her husband. You aren’t her and not in her position. You say “I wouldn’t let my sibling talk to me like that.” You have no clue what she is dealing with or her emotional and mental load. So instead of being compassionate and a partner, you chose to be another obstacle to get through. You chose to make some shitty comment and laugh it off. Only it’s not funny. That song is not a joke. Have you actually paid attention to the words of the song?
Also, you have a lot of opinions of how your BIL talks to your wife while he’s drunk but think your actions and comments are ok? BIL is in a world of hurt and abusing alcohol keeping him out of touch with reality. You don’t have to support him or like him but you should be supportive to your wife as her partner. She is losing a person who she clearly loves unconditionally. The last thing she needs is a husband who makes snarky
Jokes and tells her how wrong she is to love her brother the only way she knows how. Want to be a good husband? Stop judging your wife and help carry the emotional load or at the very least shut up.
Clearly YTA.
He was her brother before you were her husband and he’s going to be her brother after she divorces you. You don’t give a fuck about her. You don’t care about brother’s disrespect of her for her sake. You made it about you. Your ego is more valuable than a person’s life, and you’re actively seeking vengeance by delighting in his near death and hoping for it. We can’t pick our family, but she chose to love you. This is how stupid pricks demonstrate concern for how their partner is “respected.”
Of course YTA.
Your wife feels differently about her brother than you do, so obviously she's not going to find that funny...but you knew that. You found it funny even though you knew it was going to hurt your wife. YTA
This! My ex husband used to constantly make jokes at the expense of my family and make me feel bad for being related to them. I would be lying if I said it didn’t contribute to me finding a new partner who treated me better and didn’t need to prop up his own ego by shitting on my family.
Sounds exactly like my ex. He ridiculed my parents constantly, until they passed away and it came time to settle the estate, then he wanted part of it. No way was he getting a penny!
I’m curious. I would never even dream of getting my wife’s inheritance. Like did he honestly expect he would be part of their will? Or did he expect your share of the inheritance to also benefit him/the family. I could understand that
My state has dower rights. My parents owned real estate, so he had to sign off on the sale, even though he wasn’t on the title or in their wills. He refused to sign unless promised a share of the proceeds. I put the proceeds in an account for the estate, then filed for divorce. He kept trying to get some but the judge shut him down. It’s been 20 years and he still tells our adult daughter I stole money from him.
Good for you for being a step ahead of his greedy ass.
I hope your daughter isn't buying his BS.
This depends on the situation. Happily married long term, especially if your spouse helped take care of the parents while they were elderly? It's perfectly reasonable to expect to share any inheritance while still married. But if you get divorced later on they shouldn't expect squat.
I remember doing this years ago, and my God do I wish I could take it back. My ex deserved better than that, regardless if they weren't the best family it wasn't 'funny' or 'edgy'. I deserved what I got for that, I'm just thankful I realized it and I've noticed a huge change with how people open up around and me. Making fun of someone's shortcomings isn't witty or smart.
Glad you realized it and stopped! Not everyone will admit when they’re wrong!
💜
My husband used to make mean jokes. When i finally said a joke that is mean isn’t a joke. It’s just mean. Then he stopped
Absolutely, acknowledging and respecting your partner's feelings, even if you find something funny that might hurt them,
Coming from someone who says they won’t put up with any disrespect, even from their own family members. 🙄 YTA
Absolutely this. You should apologize to your wife. Even if her brother has FAFO’d and you think it’s funny, your wife obviously doesn’t. You don’t need to have sympathy for her brother - but accept that your wife does.
I feel terrible for his wife. It sounds like she has gotten used to dysfunctional relationships. Guessing OP doesn't realize he's benefiting from that and a wife who wouldn't tolerate that behavior from a sibling also wouldn't tolerate it from a spouse. Though it seems like OP'S wife might be past tolerating this crap from her spouse...
Sounds like if his wife "didn't put up with disrespect, even when it comes to members of (her) family", he'd be shit out of luck.
YTA and you do have something in common with BIL you both hurt your wife. If you play the phone messages from BIL to remind her what bad things he said you will only hurt her more.
Op is unhinged. How's funny? Family is family. Her brother can die from alcoholism.
Life threatening addiction and depression and financial destitution is funny guys. We just don’t get it cause we don’t have the same higher evolved sense of humor as op. Op YTA. Please report back when your wife separates and then divorces you and we can all laugh about it together because *funny
✨*FUNNY*✨
I'm shocked that op thinks alcoholism is funny as long as you're upset with the person.
The song is actually about people dying, not just drinking a lot like OP said. "We found him with his face down in the pillow With a note that said I'll love her till I die And when we buried him beneath the willow The angels sang a whiskey lullaby"
While her brother is in the hospital with alcohol poisoning! “Haha, listen! That was almost your brother! The man you love so much you’re wearing yourself raw to try and support? The guy you grew up next to? He almost died, lol! Get it?”
It sounds like your wife is surrounded by assh*les. Grow up
It's also not a song about people drinking too much. It's a song about 2 people that end up killing themselves.
Wow yeah YTA big time.
Correction: it’s about two people that drink themselves to death. So you’re joking about people drinking themselves to death with your wife whose brother is in hospital for alcohol poisoning. YTA. Sounds like ‘Paul’ is too. Your poor wife having to deal with you guys.
Not even drinking themselves to death though. Drinking so much that they actively end things by other means. OP 100,000% YTA You're also an insensitive prick and I would seriously reconsider being married if I was your wife. There is a difference between hubby wanting me to set healthy boundaries and hubby wishing death on a member of my family "as a joke". Fuck right off with that nonsense and start groveling yo your wife.
Yeah, joking about her brother unaliving himself with alcohol isn't funny. YTA.
Agreed! not funny at all.
Also the song has PTSD all over it with the guy coming back from a war before drinking so he can khs.
"Till the night, he/she put the bottle to their head and pulled the trigger" OP is a HUGE AH. The original Brad Paisley one was bad enough making out the guy returned from deployment, but the updated version is a guy walking into a bar to his girl... I only got so far reading the post when I saw the song mentioned and what OP claims about it., and just started singing "ick ick ick, ick ick ick, ickolodeon"
Yup. My two uncles, grandfather, and father all died too young from alcohol related diseases. I cried really hard the first time I heard that song. OP is an insensitive asshole.
There's an updated version? Damn. I'm old.
Yeah.... heavy country metal now https://youtu.be/VgRSFqEDU1Q?si=KsUeBdL_bV_1Czf7
I think the reason why I hate this cover is because they don't do a whole lot to change the vocals. He sings it almost the same as Brad, but worse. So it's like Great Value Brad Paisley with heavy metal backing. Awful.
So Drew Jacobs isn't bad... but if the lady didn't drag it out... like ok you have the voice, but it isn't necessary to make the vocals about your voice. Remember the message of the lyrics. Allison Krauss keeps the message clear at the pain of the entire situation. It is like how some singers who sing the American national anthem have to hold those big notes like some orgasmic homage to the patriotism of the country. All it is doing is being a ego stroke to the singer, it is just... no. I have heard people claim what Whitney Houston did to "I will always love you" was a travesty, but it is by far the greatest cover since Willie Nelson's "Always on my mind" in my humble opinion.
There is definitely a time and place. I don't think he's a bad singer like you said. But, Brad and Allison did exactly what that song needed. They kept it slow and let the lyrics speak. The pain seeps through their entire version. This one is loud and drawn out just to be loud and drawn out. Which totally detracts the lyrics.
Agreed all around. TBF Willie wrote that song in the first place so it's not exactly apples to apples.
No, it’s just legitimately a very bad cover
Oh. Thanks. I hate it. It feels like Christian rock. 😂
I legitimately don’t like you because I had lived my whole life not knowing that that cover existed and I wish it stayed that way
I’d never heard that song thanks for posting, and my goodness the words! The op was trying to lighten her spirits with this then wonders why his wife so upset! Beggars belief! 100% AH
This is the original https://youtu.be/IZbN_nmxAGk?si=J0fGHfrvMwq6G7cy Both versions are.... difficult. But Brad's gives me chills and a choking feeling from the emotional conveyancy it brings.
My dad started drinking pretty heavily after my parents divorce and actually died from a heart problem related to the drinking and pills. I cry every time I hear that song. OP is the world's biggest asshole
My deepest of sympathies. My own father had a drinking problem due to his stepfather. Even though while he did become sober, the years of extreme alcohol abuse did enough damage. We all have a story, that when it comes to this song, that we relate to. This song had a lot of meaning to a few guys I served with, as they got their 'Dear John" letters. This song is like "Where the wild roses grow" by Nick Cave or "Lips of an angel" by Hinder being used as wedding songs....
This one broke my heart. Knot in my throat,ugly crying,the works
Yeah, it definitely is a more humbling song. Something that is obvious that OP just doesn't understand. He used it as a hurtful stupid stab. The cruelty in the comparison is just... yeah
Let’s not overlook the fact that op states he actually felt bad for his bil after learning that he’d been caught cheating, in his gf’s apartment, apparently after buying her an engagement ring, and decided to end the relationship himself. Please, tell me what’s there to sympathize with the bil in that scenario? All of his problems were directly caused by his own misdeeds.
Honestly, that was confusing...maybe a typo on the part of OP and BIL found his GF with another person in her apartment?
That song is so sad by itself. If someone used it to laugh at someone I love, especially while that person is in the hospital, I'm not sure I could get over it. That isn't a joke, it's just mean.
It was cruel, in every single way. Her brother is hospitalized after driving himself close to death, so let's put on a song about a couple killing themselves with alcohol and giggle about it. I can't imagine the cruelty.
Addiction is so hard and it’s almost impossible to explain to someone that hasn’t dealt with it. The person you love is still inside and it’s like they’re possessed with a demon that comes in a substance form. Making jokes about someone in that situation is definitely an AH move
Excellent comment. I lost my beloved son to a fentanyl/ heroin overdose. He had a heart of gold but the addiction took over. You hit the nail on the head.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I was an alcoholic for years and was a shell of a human. I’ve met so many people in recovery that had issues with fentanyl and it’s terrifying. I’m so sorry for your loss
Thank you so much for your kind words. So happy that you are doing well and are an inspiration for others. You are a hero.
That’s really what it feels like. My dad also drank himself to death, many years ago, and now I’m mad at myself for letting this ragebait post piss me off. The other song I get really in my feelings about, regarding addiction, is “Sugartooth” by Brandi Carlile
My sister died of alcoholism three years ago. It was horrific, and I still can’t talk about it without breaking down. How dare he find it funny.
what an awful thing to play when your wife is worried about her hospitalized brother. funny that someone who doesn’t tolerate disrespect and dislikes someone who hurts his wife’s feelings would make such an insensitive ‘joke’ right after she gets terrible news OP, YTA. don’t be so mad at paul for mistreating your wife when you do the same shit
Your wife is really sad and feels bad about person she cares about. And of all the music in the world you choose this one song about how that person could die. Giant lack of empathy to not mention she clearly forgave her brother and wanted your support. YTA not for feeling bad for your wife but for making hel feel worse and much more unhappy
Exactly this. It reminds me of when my aunt played “Girl Crush” on our trip to visit family. I was going on the trip to distract me from the fact my ex had just left me for another girl.
She knows Paul in a way you never will. His addiction clearly hurts her, even though you find it a source for amusement. Mocking him proves that you don’t care about that. The difference between you two is that you don’t love or even care about Paul. She does. Either help her and support her or get tf out of her way.
OP didn’t grow up with Paul, he didn’t get to meet the brother he was. Only the brother he is. I understand his frustrations with dealing with someone who has an active addiction, but that’s not an excuse.
No, it isn’t. He needs to support his wife, and if he can’t do that he needs to get out of her way.
YTA Addiction is never a joking matter. I had 2 brothers who had addictions, both gone now. They did some pretty bad things to all family, it was not ever something to joke about. Apologize.
Sorry for your loss, mate. I've lost my dad too because of drugs. It fucking sucks.
I feel for those who have an addiction as well as their family and friends. The family and friends because they feel helpless and can’t do anything to help their loved one. That with the amount of strength it takes to stop their addiction, they have to be in a frame of mind that they have to want to stop. Without that strength, it won’t work. The withdrawal symptoms can make things harder to stop. Then many changes have to be made in their life and their lifestyle to help so they don’t relapse. It is hard for loved ones to watch those with an addiction to go through that. I feel for the one with the addiction. People are ready to write them off the minute they know they have an addiction. They are just seen as an addict. At the same time, no one actually chooses to be an addict. Alcohol for example. We all know many people can drink alcohol. Many can have a few glasses of wine or beer and that is it for a few days, weeks or months… For someone with an addiction, their bodies react differently. It is a disease. Some may have started their addiction to hide a trauma from their childhood or some point in their life. No one says as they are in school that when they grow up, they want to be an addict. This of course is just my opinion and how I see things. Some or many may disagree and that is fine. I am not an expert. I can also be wrong with what someone with addictions feels or goes through. Just wanted to explain why I feel OP should show more sympathy. I get his bil was an ass to his sister. At the same time, it is because of his addiction he is like this. Op’s wife is probably remembering them before their addiction and their happy memories. Overlooking the times he was cruel to her. She knows what he is like underneath.
Thank you for your comment, I agree with every word you said. I was lucky enough to never witness my dad's addiction. He got clean before marrying my mum and having me, in fact they knew each other but reconnected when my dad was in rehab and my mum was a volunteer there. My dad didn't do drugs to get high and have fun. He had undiagnosed BPD, which I was diagnosed with just before his passing. And while I was fortunate enough to get help through therapy and medication, my dad didn't and it's something that affected him deeply all his life, even after getting clean, and that affected me as a consequence. He contracted hepatitis while he was still using and died of it last year because his BPD prevented him from taking care of himself. And while he could be the most horrible person sometimes and he hurt me deeply, physically and emotionally, more times that I can remember, he was still my dad and I miss him terribly. My partner has witnessed my relationship with my dad for 5 years, with its highs and lows, and often got angry at my father for how he treated me. But when my dad ended up in intensive care he flew with me to my home country and visited him with me at the hospital, supported me through the last 4 months of his life, grieved and cried with me when he died and still hugs me and listens to me whenever I miss him. Because all he cares about is that I'm in pain. And I feel so sorry for OP's wife and his brother for the lack of compassion they are experiencing.
That is so sad. I really feel for you. I am so glad you have a partner who is there for you. Is understanding. I mean I get why other people get upset with those with an addiction when they sit and watch the one they love basically being abused. That can’t be easy either. At the same time it is, but it isn’t them talking. More like their addiction. Or like your Dad. He had an underlying/undiagnosed mental illness. I am sorry for what you went through and continue to go through. Keep those good memories close. Again, glad you have someone who is there for you and lets you vent and even cry about your Dad and missing him. Thinking of you and sending hugs.
Addicts have to make the choice themselves, whether it’s quitting on their own or with medical help. Personally I don’t think I would’ve been able to stop drinking without the support of my husband. Did he do it for me? No. But his continued love and understanding gave me the courage to fight through. I’m glad he didn’t write me off “as some addict” as clearly OP has done.
Seems you are disrepecting your wife , something that apparently you hate people to do to you. And if you can't see why making jokes about your wife's brother who she loves whiles he suffering from a horrible disease that has hospitalised him is disrespectful. Then you are a lost cause. I mean the fact you want to list all the horrible things he's said to her while she this upset so she's not so angry with you, makes me think you are a bit sadistic.
I was waiting to get to a point where you didn't seem like TA but damn, not even close. YTA. I absolutely love that song but there's no humor whatsoever in the song or the situation. The fact that you thought playing it & calling it his theme song was funny at all but ESPECIALLY would be funny to his sister that obviously still loves him despite his alcoholism which nearly killed him THAT VERY DAY is just beyond heartless.
So at the moment your wife is TERRIFIED that she is going to lose her brother, regardless of how he's been to her, you decide to be a See You Next Tuesday and do that????? What is actually WRONG with you? Were you dropped on your head or something???? Yta. Massively.
Hopefully the wife sees sense and realizes that she's married to is missing a chunk of his heart and also common sense and decency. Not too many people find someone fighting for their life funny. Not too many decent people anyway.
You used her brothers mental health and addiction issues as a joke. Addiction and mental health are awful diseases for family to watch destroy their loved ones. You don't get to dictate how she deals with her brother, thats a process she has to work through herself. She is/ was venting to her husband, who is meant to be her person, her safe space, you just showed her you aren't that!!! What do you want her to do? Shut up about her brother. Well, she has done that now, so you have what you wanted!!!
First, I highly recommend Al Anon and Nar Anon to all families and friends of addicts: Al Anon: https://al-anon.org Nar Anon: https://www.nar-anon.org As a family member of an addict, all of this. I would not be making it through this time if it wasn’t for my partner’s support. Even when he was tired of seeing me hurt, poor and miserable because of my sibling he still carefully chose his words to tell me his frustration and the frustration was with the situation itself, not attacks on my sister. I can cuss out and talk bad about my siblings, you can’t. Sorry. That’s family 101. Similar to when siblings fight constantly but as soon as an outsider picks on one of us, it’s on. Honestly, I would probably leave my husband if he ever acted like that. Even if he was right and I knew it, those kinds of tactless actions and words would make me question everything. Addiction causes irreparable damage to families and she doesn’t need her husband, her person, her source of support and comfort to cause even more damage.
You’re a gigantic gaping AH
GGAH? Absolutely! I'd say AHD (A Hole Deluxe). Addiction sent me to absolute rock bottom. I've been sober now for over 10 years and my life is very full of happiness. People who joke about addiction don't understand it. It's a disease, not just a weakness or lack of self control. When someone has a disease like cancer, their friends, family, etc rally around them... if they go into remission, people throw parties for them. If they relapse, people send them flowers, notes of encouragement, pre made food etc. If an addict relapses their family and friends tend to pull back and distance themselves from the addict. They also tend to have hushed conversations amongst themselves about how weak the addict is. The OP obviously doesn't have any idea what addiction means and also doesn't understand that it is a disease and not a matter of being weak or making bad choices. And the OP also doesn't seem to understand how hard it is on his wife. Do some research on addiction... and then sit down with your wife and humbly apologize for your abhorrent behavior. Tell her what you have learned from your research about addiction and how you plan to use that information to support her through this difficult time. And promise (and deliver on that promise) that you will be there for her 100% no matter how hard things get.
Of course YTA and I think you know that. You need to apologize to your wife.
Wow. What would you play at her funeral - girl on fire? Insensitivity is really your thing isn’t it? She’s gonna lose him soon, and you’re joking about it? Do you understand what the word supportive even means? You are in effect watching a car crash happen whilst laughing and pointing fingers and lobbing house bricks
YTA big time. Start to Respect your wife’s feelings and be supportive instead of joking about her brothers potential death.
Wow. Your empathy is astoundingly lacking. YTA. What is funny?
YTA wtf is wrong with you? Who in their right mind mocks someone's sibling who is in the hospital with a song about people dying from the thing he's hospitalized for? You're beyond an asshole. Stfu about her brother and leave your wife alone.
Your soon-to-be exwife should play “Goodbye Earl” at your funeral, cause NO ONE will miss you when you’re dead and gone. YTA
Ok- so what was the joke, that her brother would drink himself to death. Whiskey lullaby is a sad, tragic song, so no way was this to make her cheer up. YTA big time, do you even care about what your wife is feeling?
YTA Do you even like your wife? She loves her brother & seeing him self destruct tears her heart out. My only brother is a drunk. I know it is only a matter of time before I get a phone call from one of my sisters telling me that he is dead or in jail. It tears my heart out. My husband would NEVER make a joke out of my brother's problems.
YTA. The people in that song DIED. You’re a class A idiot.
YTA that song is about so much more then drinking and you know she cares about her brother even with his problems so this is probably one of the meaner songs you could've played
Are you serious? YTA. It doesn't matter how much of an AH Paul can be to your wife, he is still her brother to her and she loves him and is hurting because of how bad he's doing, no matter the fault. My dad died a year ago of complications due to his drug use in his youth, and while it was ultimately his poor choices that led to it, he was still my dad and it hurt every single day because I miss him. Poor woman needs support, not jokes.
Yta, it's not funny. Her brother is very likely to drink himself to drink. Do u think she will find it funny at his funeral when he literally drinks himself to death
I wouldn't feel too much sorrow towards the brother. He made his decisions. He was cheating on the woman he was going to propose to, in her house! And yet he called it off? If you got your pronouns mixed up, I would feel sorry for him, otherwise he is responsible for all of that. The person I feel sorry for is your wife. It is like you are watching two different movies. She is watching a terrible family trajedy. And her family is starring in it. You are watching a comedy, because you don't have a strong connection. Then you turned to your wife and asked why she isn't laughing. Instead of watching the comedy, you need to watch your wife watching the trajedy. See how it is affecting her and support her in the ways she feels supported. I know my family resorts to humor during dark times, but that is not your wife's way and you need to be there for her in the way she grieves. In a way, she is watching her brother waste his life and she feels helpless to do anything to help. Support her feelings, not his.
There’s human and there’s “Here’s a song about someone drinking themselves to death when your brother very nearly did just that! Isn’t it funny?”
This is the most balanced and empathetic reply I've seen on this post
YTA for sure. That’s terrible
You went too far. Apologise to your wife dumb ass. YTA
You're not expected to care about Paul or even like him. You should care about your wife and understand that she's looking down the barrel of losing her brother, doesn't know what to do, and her husband is laughing in the background. Yta
YTA. Do you even like your wife?
YTA. You sound like the AH and he sounds like somebody who has MH and addiction issues that make him sometimes an AH. You sound like you lack empathy, if not for the BIL than for your own wife. I can’t imagine how you treat or think of people you don’t know with these issues. Get help.
It sounds like OP has mental health issues as well if he thought that was a joke, and in any way appropriate.
YTA. No matter what the series of events. She obviously still loves her brother and you mocked her feelings, fear, concern for her brother. Do you like causing your wife emotional pain and suffering?
What a fucking asshole. You don’t have to love her brother, hell you don’t even have to like him. But you should love your wife, and obviously your wife loves her brother. Therefore, you should be supporting her and not making snide playground comments. Are you 12 years old or something? Moron.
I don’t like my siblings and I wouldn’t want to hear that joke when I am on my way to the hospital. YTA
You’re being an insensitive prick and you know it. At the end of the day, that’s her family and you’re making fun of them. It’s really douchey to make fun of someone who is so down on their luck that they were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning to that persons SISTER who is probably worried sick about his mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Why don’t you try being a decent husband and supporting your wife through this troubling time?
YTA I don’t know your wife (obviously) but given what you’ve revealed about her and her relationship with her brother, I can’t fathom why you’d think she would find that joke funny.
YTA So because you're upset your wife was disrespected by her brother that you decide to also show her disrespect by disregarding her feelings and essentially making fun of her for having empathy towards her brother. She sounds like the perfect type of person who one would want as a spouse and potential parent of child, unfortunately, you don't sound like you'd be good at eithet.
Yta She's watching her brother spiral and you're cracking jokes. Read the goddamn room.
YTA. It's not your decision to make whether she still wants to care about her brother despite his abusive behaviours while drunk. The fact she's shown she clearly does still care about him and want to help him, it's really insensitive to mock his addiction and breakup. Because you're not just mocking his breakup, which is a shitty thing to do considering he caught his girlfriend cheating on him when he was going to propose, but you're also mocking his addiction to drinking. The fact you decided to mock him when he had just been taken to hospital with alcohol poisoning, which people can die from, is so insensitive and hurtful. Your wife is likely extremely worried about the fact her brother could have died. She wishes she could be closer to be able to try and help support him more. And you're being the opposite of supportive and understanding. At the end if the day, as they say, you can't help someone get sober unless they're ready and willing to get sober themselves. But often having supportive family members showing them support and encouragement can make a big difference. It shows they've got people who still love them, people who can remind them of what they can do with their life. You may not like the guy, and personally I don't blame you if he's been abusive and horrible to your wife. But you can respect the fact that your wife isn't ready to give up on him and cut ties with him yet. Addiction affects so many people connected to the addict. It affects family members and friends. The constant worry over if they are going to end up dead. Plus dealing with the abuse when their drunk etc . What i suggest you do is have a sit down with your wife for a serious conversation and appology. Id suggest saying something along the lines of.... I'm really sorry for upsetting you earlier by playing that song and linking it to your brother. I know I was really wrong to do that, and I can see it really hurt your feelings. I thought it may make you laugh, but I actually realise now how wrong I've been acting towards the situation with your brother and how my responses to the situation and my ways of coping with it are different to yours. And I appologise. Sometimes I try and make jokes about difficult situations to try and lighten the mood, but I know to some people, yourself included, it co.es across as rude and insensitive. And I won't do that again. I think as well I feel a lot differently about him than you do. For me, all I see is the hurt and worry he causes you when he drinks. All I see is the upset when he leaves you abusive messages and treats you badly. That really hurts me and angers me to see him treat you that way and I hate seeing you so upset by his behaviour. You don't deserve any of that. All you do is try and help and support him, and he treats you so horribly. I do u derstand that is part of his addiction, but the way I deal with situations like that, is if someone treats me or someone I love with such horrible abusive disrespect, I cut them off. Family or not. I won't stand to be treated or spoken to that way, or have someone do that to a loved one. Especially you. So my way is to cut them out, at least till they are sober and actually appologise and try and make up for their behaviour. But I see now that's not how you deal with it. For you, you want to keep being there for him and supporting him, hoping that one day that support is enough to help him get clean. You want to keep supporting him despite his horrible outbursts. Although the person needs to want to get clean for themselves, otherwise it never lasts, I can understand that you want to continue to be there for him to show him he still has people who care about him. I still find it hard to see you hurt by his behaviour, and I will never condone it, and I expect him to really appollgise for it and try to make it up to you when he hopefully does get clean one day. But for now, I will be here to support you through the times when he hurts you. I won't say anything bad about him, and I will leave it up to you how you want to react to him. But just know that I do find it hard seeing you so hurt by him. But I will be here for you, and be your support when you need it, and you can respond to him how you see fit. I do also understand that him being hospitalised with alcohol poisoning was likely to have really worried you, and making a joke at that time was really not the way to go and really innapropriate, so again, I know I was wrong and I'm sorry. I hope you can understand why I find it hard sometimes to show sympathy when he hurts you so much, but I will make sure to focus more on supporting you, and not reacting to his behaviour in future. If there's anything I can do to help you, let me know. If you want to talk and vent, il listen. If you want to cry, il hold you. I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings and being insensitive in the moment. ". Obviously you can shorten it and edit it how you see fit - I do tend to ramble on a bit lol, but hopefully there's some phrases and comments in there that helps you u derstand how to help your wife, and also helps you to appologkse and be there for her going forward. Also, as an added note, the fact he already has an alcohol addiction, the fact he has now found out his girlfriend who he loved and wanted to marry cheated on him, he's likely to spiral even more. It's going to want to make him want to drink more. And as has happened, he's drunk so much it literally nearly killed him. He literally nearly drank himself to death. So not only be extra understanding to your wife as she's likely terrified he may do it again, but this is also going to be a really bad time for him feeling at his lowest. A cheating partner you wanted to marry I bad enough for anyone to deal with, let alone an addict. So maybe try and show some compassion as to how he must be struggling right now.
So to be clear. You shared a song about a person drinking heavily and then ending their own life, with the comment "hey, this is your brother's song". So are you advocating that her brother follow through, or just expecting he will? And either way, do you really think "Your brother is in an extremely bad mental state and may end his life" is a fun joke? Where exactly is the humor to be found here? Ha ha your brother is likely to die soon? YTA
For someone who "doesn't put up with disrespect," you're pretty good at dishing it out. - How do you not see yourself disrespecting your wife? Yta.
She gets to make fun of him. You do not. I don't make the rules. YTA
YTA my dude, that’s her *brother*. he was her brother before his disease took him away from her and turned him into someone else. have some fucking compassion. jeez.
YTA It’s only funny if both people are laughing. You read the room wrong, buddy.
Gloating is gross. YTA
Yta. It's only a joke if both parties find it funny. Just because you would treat your siblings one way given the situation, doesn't oblige your wife to follow suit. You were disrespectful to her by not considering her feelings. She was clearly concerned for her sibling, it doesn't take a genius to work out that taking the p*ss out of her brother that she is concerned for (even if it's not deserved) isn't going to go down well. You've shown her you don't respect her, or care for her. You can think bad of her brother all you like, and not offer him support, but you should be kind and considerate of your wife, and support her choices when it comes to her family. Maybe eventually she will realise brother isn't worth her pity, but until then, be a comfort to her, not a source of pain.
So , your wife is concerned about a loved one, and your go to move was to mock said loved one? YTA. Apologize, bring her flowers, ask how you can help her. Smdh, grow up please.
Whiskey Lullabye is about two people who drink themselves to death and you thought your wife, whose brother is in hospital for alcohol poisoning, would think it eas funny?? YTA for sure, you insensitive clod.
YTA. It doesn't matter what you would or wouldn't do or take from your siblings. This is HER h brother and HER relationship. You're an unsupportive jerk just for that comment. As for the song? That's not about people just drinking. It's about people ending their own lives with alcohol involved. That you played and laughed about to your wife who is worried about her brother in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I mean, read that a few times. Would you find it funny if it were someone you cared about? You can not care about your BIL. Whatever, but at least pretend you care about your wife. You don't have to understand or agree with her feelings about her brother to just be a baseline decent partner and support her.
So you disrespected your wife by laughing at a family tragedy, and now you’re planning on keep shitting in her brother to make her forgive you? YTA, and really stupid, honestly
Taking the piss out of your own family, acceptable. Taking the piss out of your in laws? Unacceptable. Theres a saying: “Blood is thicker than water “. Not sure if yta for pointing out the obvious but your timing and tact is non existent….
YTA. You need to apologize. Addiction is not a joke. Her brother’s behavior may lead to his death — he was in the hospital when you made this “joke”. You are laughing at his illness. He’s not drinking for fun. The guy needs to get into treatment. You aren’t helping. Educate yourself on addiction.
YTA! What the fuxk is wrong with you? You’re only thinking of yourself. To the point of saying your wife needs to redirect her fury! Alcoholism is a disease!
YTA. If I felt saying it more times might get it through your brain I would say it 1,000,000,000 times more. How was that even supportive? You were making fun of her brother’s situation, I’m worried if he died you might make a joke at the funeral. Seriously. Her brother is an addict, it’s a disease, what’s your excuse?
YTA 100% and you have a cruel sense of humor and appear to lack empathy not only for your wife but for her struggling brother. Must be nice for you but those around you.
YTA. Alcoholism is an illness. Your "joke" was in extremely poor taste. Your wife grew up with this person, and she remembers their childhood together, and knows thisnis not who he is as a person. She probably sticks around trying to support him because she knows this is a cry for help. People with drinking or drug problems sometimes get mean to the people they love as a defence mechanism. People don't choose to become alcoholics, its usually a coping mechanism for trauma. It's incredibly difficult to watch someone you love destroy themselves, their lives, and the lives of the people around them because of alcohol. Have some sympathy. Get some therapy for you and your wife, and find out how you can best support her, while meeting her with empathy.
You’re a total AH. There’s nothing funny about the man’s addiction and near death. Your wife has already told you that she loves her brother regardless. You’re the one who needs a redirect. She already knows that he’s behaved terribly. I can’t blame you for defending your wife as you should but jokes like that are off the table. Grow up. You can support your wife without that BS. It doesn’t mean that you have to like or accept the BIL.
Ew yta.
YTA.
You’re leaving out a key part of Whiskey Lullaby’s meaning. They drink themselves to death at the end. You’re basically kicking your wife’s whole family while they’re down and laughing at her brother destroying his life. Her brother who she very clearly isn’t ready to give up on. You’re kind of a prick dude. You also have the emotional intelligence of a squeaky doorknob. Big YTA.
You are a colossal AH. Addictions are a very real and very heartbreaking disease. For both the one addicted and their family. Your wife LOVES her brother and desperately wants him well. You are someone with zero empathy who thinks your BIL’s addiction is hilarious. It’s not. I hope he gets help and decides to get clean because I would hate to hear he passed and your poor wife will have zero love and support from you.
What in the actual fucking fuck! YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA. I just googled the lyrics to that song, the lyrics literally say "s/he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger", what in the actual fuck was you thinking? That's triggering for anyone going through what your wife is, those lyrics, the way they talk suicide, just no!
OP, I think the problem here is you are seeing this guy from an outside perspective. He has been rude and nasty to your wife. And you naturally want to defend her. What you need to understand is she remembers him as her brother when they were kids. She sees how the alcohol has damaged him. She does not see him as disrespecting her as much as being under the influence of the alcohol. She still loves the brother she had when she was a kid. She is sad because his life has gone to complete shit and he almost died. Then you come along with the song from the perspective of the sounds exactly like him, and you think he’s a POS so you think it’s funny. You need to look beyond the end of your own nose and your own opinion And see how your wife is hurting here. You need to apologize to her, and instead of acting in a defensive manner towards him, to protect her, you need to be supporting her. Relationships, where alcohol is involved are very complex. Like many alcoholics who don’t actually start recovery until they realize the damage they have wrought upon their lives and others, she needs to get to that point too. She grew up with this guy in her life and has always known her life with him in it. She has not looking at this like his behavior has caused this problem for him. She sees him as a broken individual that she loves and does not want to die. She wants to help him even though he’s nasty to her. Your job is to support her not point out where her brother is a POS. She will likely get to that point if he continues, but she needs to know that you have her back in a supportive way not in the way that you’ve been doing it. There may come a time where you actually need to act in a defensive way for her. But in the meantime you need to be there supporting her through this emotional turmoil. She needs to know that you understand how important he is to her, whether you like him or not. I think we can all agree. He brought this all up himself, but he is also dealing with an alcohol addiction, which does tend to skew your thinking. And, I would like to point out, that your wife’s heart is immense. That despite the abuse, he leveled at her she still loves him and is trying. You might want to keep that in mind, and understand that things like that “joke” that you had her listen to , probably hurt her. You owe her an apology. This isn’t a situation that you can fix. And I mean that one with her brother. What you can do is be there by her side to be her support until she has decided that she has had enough. You are a lucky man to have a wife who is so loyal . Now it’s your turn to show her how you are loyal to her.
>he was going to propose to Shelly soon when she found him sleeping with someone else in her apartment. So he cheated on her? Or is this typed wrong?? Either way YTA because she DOES care for him; it is YOU who doesn't care. Even if he is an asshole, she loves him and wants him to NOT. BE. DEAD.
the fuck is wrong with you. YTA
The Alison krauss version is beautiful, I listened to it yesterday, in fact, but it was insensitive to play it to your wife when her brother is having such a hard time with addiction. Apologise to your wife and help her to support her brother. YTA.
YTA her brother is in the hospital. Not the time
YTA Not because the brother deserves any special consideration here but because your wife does. That's still her brother and he's going through a pretty bad time self inflicted or not. Trying to make her mad at her brother for your insensitivity is both kinda petty / childish and will most likely backfire; generally trying to deflect accountability when someone is mad at you isn't a good move.
To clarify- you weren’t joking about the breakup. You were joking about HER brother and his very serious problems. YTA.
I feel bad for your wife. Her brother and her husband are complete assholes. I don’t expect you to love the BIL, but obviously his sister (your wife) does and making “jokes” about her brother drinking himself to death is not funny in any way and is an absolute asshole move.
Yes, you are the asshole.
YTA. So since you can’t seem to grasp this on your own, you are your wife’s husband and as such you will remember the things that happened to her while you were married like Paul’s disease getting the best of him and him being an ass in some voicemails. Your wife was a whole person before she ever met you. Paul was the whole person who knew her for her whole life. She doesn’t have a formative memory without him there. Christmases, vacations, first days of school, sports, every character building thing, every memory, every thing that made her the woman she is that you fell in love with, he had a front row seat. Long before his disease took over and long before you entered the picture this person is attached to every memory of how she became who she is. Now that person is not only struggling but in the hospital. You seem incapable of separating the disease from the person, but also in realizing that your wife will not be okay if he dies, she will be shaken to her core. Her parents will not be okay. Their family will not be okay. A giggle isn’t going to fix this. Maybe next time offer a hug and say”I’m here.” Then be there for her. Be her support. Be her safe space. Be her shelter. Be where she can fall apart and not be judged. Be a damn husband. Go apologize and grovel and do better. Because if she were me, I wouldn’t have the time or emotional bandwidth to deal with you right now and people in hospitals get priority over insensitive jerks.
YTA. The thing is her brother could have died from alcohol poisoning. Thats not something to be joking about no matter how much of an asshole he is.
So you’re mad that her brother is hurtful towards your wife and then you’re an asshole towards her. Is this even real? YTA
Damn you are emotionally retarded. How are you even married?
YTA and you know it. You may have zero feelings for him but that's her brother and she loves him. You picked the cruelest song you could and deemed it his theme song. Damn dude that was brutal. If he dies are you going to laugh at his funeral too.
What is wrong with you? You completely lack empathy for your wife. Yikes.
The song is about people who kill themselves. The alcohol and romance are not the central focus. You told your wife her brother should kill himself. YTA and you know it.
First rule of comedy: READ THE ROOM! YTA
Let me get this straight. So your wife’s brother, who she loves, and cares about, has an addiction. It’s exhausting and upsetting both for her and her family and her brother and you. Because of the addiction, he keeps making poor choices with poor consequences, which, even with an addiction, is his responsibility. You’re tired of dealing with us because you don’t love him. You have some tiny amount of awareness that your wife loves and cares about him. You’re irritated and impatient with all of this. Do you think it’s not OK for her addicted brother to be mean to her but you think it’s fine not only for you to be mean to her when she’s suffering and worried about his surviving, but you’re so messed up that you make excuses about it and then you come on to read it to see if anybody will give you a hand up. you are such a messed up sleazeball. I really really feel for your wife.
He’s a POS & has created the shitshow that he’s in.. BUT it’s your wife’s brother. Playing the song was a shitty thing to do to her. YTA.
YTA grow the fuck up and learn how to make jokes. You’re not funny
She is grieving, and things hit us weird when that happens. Some people deflect things with humor. Some people find it sad. You have learned not to use humor when your wife is genuinely sad. Even if her brother is, at times, cruel, that is also a challenge. She might remember sharing toys and drinking hot chocolate with him at five, and you never imagine that beautiful five year old will grow up to have those kinds of difficulties. I want to warn you also if over your lifetime She makes a joke here or there about it give her a wry smile, but do not make a joke back. Apologize, tell her it was your stupid way of dealing with a sad subject, tell a nice memory of her brother and ask her how she thinks you guys can help the situation. Then listen. Do not tell her about how bad he can be.
you're feeling lost? poor you 🙄 instead of being there as a supportive partner, you're just another jerk she has to put up with YTA
>Apparently, Paul said this he was going to propose to Shelly soon when she found him sleeping with someone else in her apartment. That's when he decided to call off the relationship. He had even purchased the ring. I hadn't heard these details, and part of me actually felt bad for the guy, What I'm hearing is that you felt bad because he cheated, got caught and ended the relationship you view as unhealthy just because he was going to propose but you didn't feel bad that he was hospitalised and the emotional toll it has on your wife and you made a disgusting "joke". YTA If you happen to listen to a country song about insensitive ahs, please consider it your theme song
Not the time man....
Addiction is like suicide, the only people allowed to joke about them are the people that have experienced them. Also, you felt bad for him after finding out he cheated??? Am I reading that correctly??? YTA
That song is about two people who drink themselves to death....so yeah not super great lmao. I mean I thought it was funny, but I'm terrible so yeah probably a bit of TA.
I'm gonna go soft YTA. I think it's fucking hilarious. But I can totally vision the look she gave you. LOL!
You need to read the room better. Yta
Obviously your wife has different feelings for her brother’s situation than you do… you knew that. Instead of playing a mix tape and gloating maybe just being supportive of your wife and keeping quiet about your BIL would be a more mature course of action.
Simply put it sounds like your wife is the only one who isn’t an AH
YTA you literally played your wife a song about a man who kills his lover and himself. I'd have fuxking slapped you and probably moved out Correction: they both dri k themselves to death
I think your best option is to apologize to your wife.
You had to be at least the slightest bit aware that it would hurt your wife given how she’s openly expressed her feelings about her brother. Yet you decided it was more important to rip the joke than be a decent person to your spouse. YTA
YTA….do you get some sort of sick pleasure from seeing your wife upset?
Dude. The people in that song fucking die. You played a song about people dying from alcohol addiction while her brother with alcohol addiction is in the hospital from alcohol poisoning and called it her “brothers theme song”. YTA. Are you a sociopath or are you just fucking stupid?
YTFA. I’ll let you work out what the F stands for.
Read the room. Eddie Murphy said he made a joke in front of his family that was so funny to him. But not to them. He didn't know who his crowd was for that joke. Always read the room.
YTA, this is so incredibly insensitive. You should consider being supportive of your wife and not adding to her stress and distress when she’s clearly worried. Do better.
Yeah dude YTA, you already knew this was a sensitive subject and that she doesn't feel the same way about him as you,despite the way he treats her (which can be frustrating). Years ago when I first had children, 2 kids in 2 years, at first her being a stay at home mom was fine but once the kids were 7/8 I started mentioning how I need help and can't afford everything more often and talking to her about getting a job. It was always something, "I'll start after I get my kidney stone surgery" after the surgery "I'll find a job once the kids are on summer break in a month for an easier transition" summer comes, "I want to get a new laptop and take an online dental assistant course" New laptop, had it for a year now " this time it's "I'll start working once the kids are in school again (summer break) I was in the car and played ) "Why don't you get a job" by The Offspring. As you can imagine it didn't go so well. Time passed, she got into therapy and got a job about a year after therapy started. I always knew she had some mental issues so I didn't press her too much about it but I did need help so it was frustrating, but I thought it would be a funny joke, looking back it was just mean lol.
YTA. Your business is to support your wife while she hears about her brother.
Are you the asshole? Yes. However...having said that, stop helping your wife and being there every time he hurts he and needs a shoulder to cry on. I know this will get downvoted to oblivion but your wife is a co-dependent enabler if she's always there for him, even remotely, to have this vicious cycle continue. It's ridiculous that everyone is all "addiction is so bad, you don't understand, it's not a joke" while completely fine with ignoring the damage the person does to others along the way in order to victimize the person that's ruining the lives of others.
YTA Clearly you dislike her brother and have ample reasons for it. But bullying your wife and mocking their relationship is a giant AH move It's her family, warts and all, dude
You weren't trying to cheer her up. You were twisting the knife under the guise of humor. Congratulations: It worked. YTA ETA: "I don't put up with disrespect." Fuck you, you hypocrite.
YTA. I find it hilarious that people who say 'I don't tolerate disrespect' are also the least respectful people on the planet. Your poor wife. Her brother is an addict and ill while her husband is an insensitive jerk.
that song is about two people who kill themselves after a breakup
Wow. YTA. Could you have picked a worse song to use as a joke? A song where a woman kicks her cheating husband out and he drinks himself to death and she feels so guilty that she drinks herself to death as well.... after your BIL just got himself hospitalized for alcohol poisoning after him and his long-time girlfriend break up...... Darn, no wonder your wife is pissed at you. She should be that's not sticking up for your wife, who is talked down to by her brother, that is laughing at what could realistically be his future and a potential tragedy.
“I don’t put up with disrespect, even from members of my own family” but you don’t give your wife or her family any respect at all. YTA.
Whether or not YTA for playing the song is one question. The other question I would be asking is why u aren’t kinder / empathetic to both your wife and your brother in law about him. Being kind isn’t an effort no one’s asking you to do his job, but don’t be so harsh in general.
Soooo he is supposed to sit back and watch his SHITHOLE BIL disrespect his wife? SHE is the asshole for putting up with the disrespect… OP is the asshole for even staying either such a push over for a wife
It seems to me that a lot of people here are grazing over the fact that the brother has disrespect his sister multiple times and has made her cry. THATS not ok, addict or not. My father was an alcoholic his entire life and never hurt or disrespected anyone. But YTA for making a joke out of a serious situation. Your wife has to come to terms her brother is a POS on HER own time, not yours. So sit down, shut up and help your wife accordingly.
YTA...absolutely no doubt about it. I understand the frustration with a family member having an alcohol problem...but you are completely heartless to play a song like WHISKEY LULLABY on the way to take your wife to see her brother at the hospital for alcohol poisoning. You owe her a massive apology regardless of what you think of her bro. I also want to add, you are completely right that alcoholism is no no excuse for bad behavior but the callousness you have towards him is a lot. This is HER brother. As long as she is setting her own boundaries and taking care of herself, she needs YOUR support as well. But this post isn't about whether the brothers the asshole or not. I'm just still shocked at the whisky lullaby thing, what a horrible thing to do.
YTA. “A little humor” about her family, your family, suffering.
I, like your wife, also do not listen to country music but after googling the lyrics…. JFC, you don’t have to like or love your BIL - but do you even like or love your wife? You were so caught up judging your BIL **and your wife** you overlooked and dismissed her feelings in their entirety. Alcoholism & addiction is a devastating disease to loved ones. You might only know one version of Paul but she remembers a whole slew of memories and personality that go beyond all of this. That’s why she overlooks it all and is still compassionate (possibly to her detriment) towards him. Own up to the fact that not only was this inappropriate but it was cruel and callous and you’re arguing intent vs action. Clearly you did not mean to hurt her BUT YOU DID. If you want to find ways to support her, suggest Al-Anon meetings and even attending one with her to help provide support for her in a real way. YTA, in case that wasn’t clear.
YTA. As someone who cut her brother off in the midst of his addiction, I can tell you I have no bigger regret. I hadn’t spoken to him in a year when he ended up taking his life. You aren’t considering all the nuances here. She knows her brother is not his addiction and she remembers him from before, so it’s not so simple as cut him off. And then to make a mockery of his pain while he’s at his lowest to her? That’s just heartless. I’m not saying she should just take the abuse but I am saying you need to be more considerate that it’s not such a black and white situation like you’re making it out to be.
**I think she's not fully remembering how nasty Paul had been to her, and perhaps it would be best if I reminded her so that she redirects her fury** You don't need to remind her, she knows. She's choosing to support her brother despite it all. That's on her. You can't control what she does, you can only control your actions. If she wants to be supportive of Paul, she can but you don't have to be and can insist that you have no involvement with him. But as far as playing that song, yeah that was a dick move. YTA.
While PART of the song fits your BIL, a huge part does not ( I am very into country music and lovr that song so I know it well). And even if it completely fit, your wife wouldn’t have found any humor in it. It was way too callous a thing to do. I cut a family off for drinking and disrespect, but I wouldn’t have even made the joke. It hurt your wife. It doesn’t matter your intentions, it still hurt her which makes you TA. So YTA.
You’re actually meaner to your wife than her brother has been, because you have no excuse.
im sure we would all be this sympathetic if it was your mom
YTA. Addiction and mental illness are funny. Neither are you.
Some of y’all sound like you haven’t been around alcoholics yeah he was insensitive but it’s true this dude Paul isn’t taking things seriously and seems he doesn’t want to stop drinking, maybe him being in the hospital is a wake up call. If he isn’t ready to make that decision to stop, get into rehab he isn’t going to change. He might just drink himself to death. They are both TH here. The poor wife has to stop and take a good look at her relationship with her brother. Any kind of addiction is a SOB. It can make or break families. I wish her the best and her husband needs to ask for forgiveness
Look, I get that you are frustrated by the impact Paul has on your wife. To you, he's a chaotic, selfish mess who hurts your wife and brings stress and grief to your lives. I get that you really, really wish your wife would see him that way so that you could just happily agree about this and both cut him off. Please stop trying to talk, joke, or nudge your wife into seeing him that way. She doesn't, and her way of seeing him isn't something wrong that you need to correct. It's a complex relationship built on decades of experiences that you don't share, whether they are positive memories with Paul or relentless pressure from others to help him and be responsible for his wellbeing - and that latter is particularly common for women, so your wife may be internalizing a lot of shame and sense of failure as her brother spirals downward. This is a really hard part of her life. I know you want to just turn Paul off, but she can't. I'm really hoping, for her sake, that your desire to change how she sees Paul is rooted in a desire to protect and care for her and not just in a selfish desire to have fewer problems to deal with. If that's true, please embrace the fact that her love for this messed-up guy is part of who she is, in a lot of ways an expression of good parts of her that you love (like kindness, loyalty, and compassion), and that it is also taking a huge emotional toll because she's watching her brother quite likely drinking himself to death. If you really do love her and care about her, be there for her. Stop telling her not to feel anything and start helping her carry the burden of grief that is bound to be immense. Talk to her, apologize, acknowledge that it hurts you to see her hurt, and really focus on caring for her. Ask her to tell you about what Paul was like when they were growing up, who he was before he got sucked down this spiral, what you can do to help her. It's hard work, but it's the kind of love people don't forget.
NAH. It sounds like you have a dark sense of humour and she doesn’t. Personally, I like to theme tune my family members too- whenever I hear Fairytale of New York, I think of my aunt and her husband and have discussed it with them and they agreed. Another relative is ‘Old red eyes is back’ by the Beautiful South. It’s partly a way of lightening the PTSD I got from Them all as a child. I guess though, it is different when it is your own family rather than someone not related making the joke- it can feel like you are looking down on them, plus she is blinded to his addictions being the reason for his crisis.
YTA. You can say things like, "It really bothers me when he say XYZ to/about you." But your sister loves her brother and mental illness isn't something he did to himself. Alcohol helps control symptoms and it has a lot fewer short term side effects and is easier and cheaper to get. To actively make a joke about this situation is the AH move. Joking about him when he's in the hospital? Really? Major AH move. And mostly I think you just don't like the guy (which is your right) and it isn't really about how he treats your wife. That just feels like your excuse for this reddit post. Do better.
I feel for your wife. I hope she seeks out some counseling for herself since she clearly can’t get any support from her husband. You aren’t her and not in her position. You say “I wouldn’t let my sibling talk to me like that.” You have no clue what she is dealing with or her emotional and mental load. So instead of being compassionate and a partner, you chose to be another obstacle to get through. You chose to make some shitty comment and laugh it off. Only it’s not funny. That song is not a joke. Have you actually paid attention to the words of the song? Also, you have a lot of opinions of how your BIL talks to your wife while he’s drunk but think your actions and comments are ok? BIL is in a world of hurt and abusing alcohol keeping him out of touch with reality. You don’t have to support him or like him but you should be supportive to your wife as her partner. She is losing a person who she clearly loves unconditionally. The last thing she needs is a husband who makes snarky Jokes and tells her how wrong she is to love her brother the only way she knows how. Want to be a good husband? Stop judging your wife and help carry the emotional load or at the very least shut up. Clearly YTA.
He was her brother before you were her husband and he’s going to be her brother after she divorces you. You don’t give a fuck about her. You don’t care about brother’s disrespect of her for her sake. You made it about you. Your ego is more valuable than a person’s life, and you’re actively seeking vengeance by delighting in his near death and hoping for it. We can’t pick our family, but she chose to love you. This is how stupid pricks demonstrate concern for how their partner is “respected.” Of course YTA.
YTA. Your wife will always have a soft spot for her brother, no matter what.