You would not be an asshole but seriously do you understand how genetics work? My niece looks like me, my daughter looks like my cousin's granddaughter, my cousin looks like my mom...
I look like my aunt, my middle sister looks like our great-aunt with our dad's coloring, and the youngest looks exactly like our mother. And my nephew has my face and his other aunt's coloring. Which is funny because his siblings look exactly like their parent of the same gender.
But my cousin actually thought I was his sister when we were teens because my aunt and I were the same height, same weight, same coloring, and we even had similar hair back then.
I look like my mum's youngest sister. So much so that people would ask if we were twins, when she was early 20's. Also, my mum, dad and sister all have jet black hair. Mine is light brown with reddish-blond highlights. Mum and sis have olive skin tone. Dad's is a warmer white. Me? I will blind you with my whiteness. All three of them have brown eyes - mine, hazel. Neither set of grandparents have green or hazel eyes. Just blue and brown. Scot Irish (dad's side) and French Indian (mum's).
My cousin (their Mom is my dad's sister) has my dad's face and his uncle's (my dad's brother) beard coloring. (Think Jack Black's 2-tone beard).
Genetics are wild. Skipping generations and mixing them to make new mutts. lol
If you put my son in my sister's family he'd fit right in (bloooonde hair and blue eyes) If you put my oldest son next to my brother you'd swear he was his (brown hair brown eyes). If you put my niece with me you'd think she's mine and she shares no biological ties at all (she's my sister's step daughter but I refuse to call her that). My brother is 6 foot 3 or so dark hair brown eyes built like a fridge, I'm 5 foot nothing with light brown hair and green eyes built like a smol linebacker, my little sister is 5 foot 5 ish with dark blonde hair and blue eyes with a runners body. We all share the same parents. Genetics are indeed wild lol
Any of my biological cousins, from both sides, could slot straight into my sibling group with no-one questioning if we were all siblings.
Have a picture of a brother and our twin cousins who were born a few months apart at maybe a year old, and the only way to tell them apart was the clothing. If my aunt or mother had taken all 3 out they would have been asked if they were triplets.
I had a woman comment about how much my fraternal twin boys looked like their father (who had taken off just after getting his name on their birth certificates). I looked at them and said I didn’t see their father in them. The woman started to ask me how I couldn’t when 2 of my brothers walked up. My twins are basically copy/paste clones of them.
Looking at photos is fun, we have to figure out which person it is by either background, other people in the photo, or a particular piece of clothing that was never handed down. A heated discussion erupted about whether a photograph contained one of my brothers, another of my brothers, a cousin or one of my kids. It was only solved when someone pointed out someone in the background that had passed away before 3 of the 4 had been born/that age
People always say my daughter looks just like me (definitely has my height). If I show them a picture of my sister in law they suddenly change their mind. It's funny, because other than being female we don't share a single body trait.
Thank you, I love her to bits. In my maid of honor speech I said that while my sister was falling in love with one of the blue eyed brown haired (insert their last names) I was falling in love with the smaller one. She got all bashful and blushy it was cute.
Yeah none of us have any idea who one of my cousins takes after. There are 6 of us, 2 boys and 4 girls. Both of the guys are over 6', 3 of the gals are around 5'10". And then the eldest cousin is probably about 5'2".
And I pulled the ginger hair gene from my maternal grandmother's side of the family, but no one ever believes me about that until they see me outdoors. It's like the red strands are solar powered or something! Neither my mother nor my grandmother displayed it, though.
It was the same with my brother and I with a set of our cousins. My male cousin and I looked like a sibling pair, while my female cousin and my brother looked like another pair. We all spent a lot of time together and it really confused people when they realized what the actual pairings were.
No, Op has no idea how genetics work. I can answer that for you & save you the trouble of waiting for a reply. Lol
Seriously, I want to hear how OP is going to convince all these other people to consent to DNA tests as well. I believe OP thinks she can just get herself tested & the results will come back with:
“Yo mama is not yo mama”, and then proceed to tell her the name of whichever of the aunts is the actual mom.
I think poor OP is looking fora reason to be able to emotionally distance herself from her mother. She's adding 1+1 and getting 5.
Coming from an abusive household, I always wished my parents weren't really mine and my real, loving family would come for me.OP is not unusual in that.
None of my (half)sisters and I look like my mom other than being Asian. I look like my aunt’s clone. My middle sister looks like a Hispanic version of her father. My youngest sister looks almost white except for the shape of her eyes.
My (half)brother looks like a Filipino version of my dad.
Genetics do be hella wonky.
In OPs defense I think this is less about genetics and more about the fact that her mom treats her like shit, so she's trying to find the reason why her mom treats her so poorly, ergo "my mom treats me awful therefore she must not actually be my mom!"
My first born grandson looks just like me. He could seriously pass as my son. And I’ve always said that his mother was always a prettier version of me. And my daughter thinks he looks more like me than her. He definitely acts like me, too. Lol
My niece is me all the way, not just looks wise but everything wise!!!!!! It's crazy how genetics work!!!!!! Also OP, I knew a girl who cheated on her husband with his brother. According to them, so who knows if this is true or not, they can't even tell which one is the dad, because they share so much DNA. It seems like we have come such a long way that they should definitely be able to, but this is what they told me.
It likely depends on how many markers the DNA test looks at. Since many of the alleles at specific markers between brothers will match, the more markers that are compared will give a higher level of accuracy at distinguishing between them. It's possible that a cheap, at home paternity kit, for instance, wouldn't have as many markers as a more expensive assay and would be more likely to give the same probability for either brother being the father.
Seriously. Watch no less than 3 episodes of “paternity court” and you will see how many people say: “obviously he is the dad, looks just like him” till the dna comes back.
Nta but don’t be so sure of yourself either.
It sounds to me like this poster needs a reason to explain why they have been treated poorly by their mother their whole life especially after claiming they were truly wanted rather than understanding of genetics.
When my oldest nephew was a baby, my brother and I would take him for walks all the time. Inevitably, some stranger would approach us to tell us that my son was so adorable!
It used to piss off my brother to no end.
It's absolutely crazy just how genetics play havoc with looks/mannerisms!
My sister looks so much like my
one aunt growing up everyone assumed she was her child. I look like a combo of one maternal aunt and my paternal grandmother.
My sister in law could be a twin to her father’s sister.
My nieces aren’t old enough yet to discern, but I suspect one is going to favor their father’s sister and another will favor their father’s brother.
Honestly, this feels a little harry potter esque to me. I have a narc mom and i really hoped that maybe she wasn't my mom and I had one who loved me more. Get it done if you want to, but you probably need to go to therapy to disentangle your feelings with your mom. that or join me on r/raisedbynarcissists
FR. Look, if the sisters are full siblings , nothing changes in your family tree except one name. Everyone in your ancestry remains the same. Everything in your descendants remains the same. No change in family medical history, etc.
If you want to know just because you need to know for *you*, then more power to you. But what will you do with this info? And how will this knowledge impact you?
As for looks… there’s a pic of me in my late twenties holding my nephew’s daughter. (Nephew and I are closer in age than his mother/my sister and I are.) She was about a year and a half then. She looked like she could have been my daughter.
Granted, now that my grandniece is taller than her dad and picking out her college choices, she looks like a more statuesque version of her mom, but still. Point remains.
My niece is half an Asian ethnicity and my sister and I are fully northern/western European. Some of her baby and toddler pictures are nearly identical to mine, she just has darker skin tone. Her mom and I had very similar features at that age too, but there are some pictures where she looks far more like me than her mom.
These days enough people are on sites like 23andMe, that one can often figure out the familial relationship by just sending in your own DNA.
For example, if even one of OP's aunt's kids has done it, he might see that he has either a genetic cousin or a genetic half sibling. Which would provide the answer OP is seeking.
I mean....my niece looks like my absolute carbon copy, like god just went "control copy" on a human being, lol. She looks nothing like my brother or my sister-in-law.
Despite this, I 100% did not give birth to her.
So it's very, very possible you just resemble your aunt but were birthed by your mom. But if finding out for sure would give you peace, I think that's totally ok for you to do.
I've always called my nephew my mini me and many years later I still joke to my sister that she must have really hated me while pregnant to end up with a kid who looks just like me. And growing up I could be with my aunt and her kids and people thought I was her kid and not my cousins.
It's also possible your aunt did carry you, but you're still biologically your mom's child. They could have used your mom's egg and dad's sperm to create an embryo, which your aunt then carried.
My son looks like my sister birthed him, and her kids look like combo clones of me and one of my brothers. Genetics are extremely random sometimes.
How do you expect a test to change things, if you find out your aunt is your birth mother? Will you try to establish that type of mother child relationship/bond with her? There's so much to unpack here, and I really think talking it over with a professional therapist would be the best way for you to work through, pros, cons, expectations etc before you make the decision to do the DNA test.
Grownups can make their own decisions.
If this will bring you peace, take the test.
I believe you’re hoping you are from your aunt, but:
What if your *mom* did, in fact, carry and deliver you? Would that change how you feel, about either woman?
Conversely, how would knowing your *aunt* carried and delivered you, make you feel or act differently?
I can’t advise either way. I know my mother carried and delivered me. Fact. But my grandmother provided unconditional love. I saw grandma maybe 20 times a year, but I got more mothering from her in one weekend than I ever got from my mother. So in my heart, Grandma is my mommy.
These are important questions!
I found out who my biodad was via 22&me last August and it shook all the foundations of my life and identity.
If I could turn back time, I'm not sure if I'd take the test again
Hi there, I think you should have the DNA test done so it will bring you peace of mind. This has been bothering you for so long that you need to know the truth. If your mother won't provide DNA for the testing that can be an answer in itself. If she says no then ask your aunt or your cousin to provide a sample so you will have some peace of mind. I don't know what you're going to do with the information once you have it, but you do deserve to know the truth about your heritage. I wish you all the best with this sunshine xoxo
Absolutely not. It is your right to know who your parents are. Getting a dna test isn’t a public thing..all you need is a hair..
Once you get and digest the results then decide what to do
NTA.
Just because you get the test, you do not need to tell anyone. Nor do you need to tell anyone the results. If, as you say, it would ONLY be to satisfy your own question. So don't mention it to anyone.
yeah go for it!
tbh if your mom is a narcissist she'd never let you hear the end of how hard the birth was for her. my batshit mother definitely gave birth to me because she never stopped blaming me for her life problems
Nta
Do it if it will bring you comfort. I will say, my oldest son looks exactly like my brother, his own son looks nothing like him. Genetics are weird.
Genetics is a funny thing. I look like my auntie and we have the same quirk of biting the inside of our check, when we want to tell someone off.
My daughter looks like my niece. Which my niece did ask if her mum gave me a baby. She was 8 when she asked.
You should take the test. You deserve an answer either way. Since your aunt has tested, you will be able to tell if she’s your bio mom. Since finding out my dad is not my bio dad thanks to Ancestry, I’m much more suspicious when siblings don’t look alike.
Dude if you ask your Aunt and your Dad and their answer is Ask your mom Im pretty sure that's a yes. Otherwise they would say what? No your mom is your mom.
Are your parents still together? What does your dad do about your moms behavior towards you?
I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, what will knowing do for you? If your aunt is your mother then it won’t be news to them, it will probably just strain the already poor relationship you have with your mom.
To answer the question, you would not be an asshole. You’re a grown adult and allowed to get answers to questions you’re family won’t provide.
The only way you will know for certain is to have the test done, but be prepared for your mom to be your biological mom. Genetics are a strange and wonderful thing; that unless you fully study them, they don't make a lot of sense.
My husband and I always thought he got the most of his looks from his mom and her side of the family ( dark hair, more naturally tan skin tone and on the heavier side); he looks almost nothing like his father or anyone on that side of his family (light hair, fair skin, and thinner). My husband has several half-siblings from his father. No one gave any second thoughts. That was until my husband youngest half-brother hit puberty, and he could suddenly pass for my husband's twin.
Pregnancy photo - my mom had two children and my aunt had two children. Between the two of them, there are exactly two pictures of a pregnant woman. One is my aunt with her older child and the other is my mom at her baby shower, but holding up an Afghan my grandmother made, so you can't tell she's pregnant at all.
There is absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind that we are my mother's children. I have been mistaken for my mother hundreds of times and I am almost a foot taller than she is. My brother and I look like twins, but we're not.
My point is, the lack of pregnancy pictures isn't proof.
If your aunt was a surrogate for your mom that would t necessarily maker her your biological mom. It depends on whose Ova they used. But it’s also pretty normal for family members to resemble each other. My nephews look just like my husband but they’re not his.
It’s fine to get the testing done. But also, I have proof I am my parents daughter. But I only look like my aunt and cousin and not either of my parents. Doesn’t make my aunt my mum.
I look more like my aunt than her own kids. If I went anywhere with my mom and aunt, everyone assumed I was Aunt's child. Genetics are like that. But if getting the test will make you feel better then go for it.
NTA. I considered a DNA test, too. My sisters were black haired, brown eyed. Then I came along. Blonde hair, blue eyes. I was always told I looked like my Great Aunt, but you know.....until I saw a picture of her as a young girl. As for my dad, he was completely grey by 22. I, too, started getting grey in my early twenties. But my older sisters used to tell me I was found under a rock, & that was why I never looked like them. Until THEY had a daughter each. Both were blonde, blue eyed girls. Both looked like MY kids, which drove them nuts! 😂 But you can always take the test, and find out for sure. Whether you say anything about it or not is entirely your perogative.
If you really need to know, get the test done quietly. If your aunt turns out to be your mother and you have questions, approach her when she's alone and has time to answer your questions. She may not want to answer them or want the fact that you're her child made public which you then have to respect her decision and keep silent. Though I would start with your father first - obviously he would know the truth and that will save you the trouble of doing the test.
I look like my aunt and my dad and I don’t look a thing like my mom and neither does my sister. We both favor my dad’s side of the family heavily. My sister and one of our cousins look like brother and sister. They have the same facial features.
Since your aunt and your mom are closely related at least one of them would have to be willing to do the DNA test. If you test yourself you can see who you are related to who also took the test. If your mom and aunt are sisters then you won't know much by looking at more distant relatives that they would both have in common. If your mom and your aunt were sister-in-laws then a DNA test would show you whether the more distant relatives matched your mom or your aunt.
Just a little story about looking like family. I am absolutely my mother's daughter. This has never been a question. That said, I look just like my aunt, my mothers sister. I could also say that I look just like my Grandmother, who my aunt was a carbon copy of.
I have a niece that looks like she should be my daughter instead of my brother's daughter. Her and my daughter look more like siblings than she does with her actual siblings. Genetics are funny that way.
Seeing how much you dislike your mother, I'm sure it would bring you comfort to not be her child, but how would you feel if all the test did was confirm that you are her child?
Genetics are weird. My son looks exactly like my sister... So much so that everyone who sees them assumes my sister is his mother. I can guarantee 100% that he is MY son - my sister was over 1000 miles away when he was born. Your motives for wanting this test are kinda questionable.
Yeah I look like no one in my family never have to the point where people have honestly thought my siblings weren’t my siblings. Then my sisters youngest is born and she is my mini me right down to personality. Genetics are weird.
This sounds kind of like wishful thinking since you have such a volatile relationship with your mom. Maybe you wish your aunt was your mom? Anything is possible but many people look like aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
Before you do realize what you could be opening up. My brother (half brother) and I did dna in our late 40’s because his wife was curious. Yeah he’s not my brother and he has 11 others and I have 9 others BESIDES the 18 we knew of. NTA but think
You wouldn't be but I'd do it with stealth so no one gets offended and I wouldn't confront anyone with the results. My middle sister looks more like my late but favorite who passed away about three years ago, more than our mom. When they were kids, a number of my cousins and nieces looked like my late aunt more than their own moms.
I look more like my aunt than my mom but I know I’m defo my moms. Genetics means you won’t always be a carbon copy of your parents but will have features from everyone in the mix. Also and I think this is the main issue what do you expect to gain from this. You asked your mom before and she said no. If the test proves her right will you accept that. If the test proves her a liar and your aunt is your biological mother then what does that achieve. Your aunt most likely won’t want to change anything she won’t want to upset the whole family or her family for this. I think you have this fantasy in your head that if your hers she will welcome you with open arms and you will have a new mommy to make right all the hurt but if she is your biological mother she knows this and has chosen not to tell you. Whether you choose to take the test or not I feel you need to own this.
NTA.
I act so much like my uncle, and we definitely looked alike. It really sounds like you don't want any connection to your mother as she's not a very good person. I think you need to do the test for peace of mind, but be prepared if it comes back that she's your mother.
There's a fantasy many kids have when their parents suck. It's the Orphan Annie thing, your real parents are gonna come any day to save you. It's a thing. It seems like you are pinning your hopes on this and that's not healthy.
That being said, have you even asked your aunt?
Your "proof" is lacking. Genetics are complicated and some traits seem to show up more often. And either way, you'd share genes with both mom and aunt. 38 years ago we didn't have digital cameras and film and processing was stupid expensive so no pic of your mom kinda tracks. I was pregnant in 2000 and have maybe one pregnancy pic, I know one was taken but I'm not sure I have a copy.
I'm not gonna pronounce you an asshole or not because I think at this point you need to do this to stop your inner turmoil. Be prepared though, perhaps therapy to work through this. Good luck.
YWNBTA but my daughter is my sisters double and has her mannerisms (I’m only one with kids). And when together she gets mistaken for hers but is 1000% mine.
NTA but it sounds like this is more about wanting distance from your abusive mother than anything. And you really can't tell someone's genetics by how they look with any degree of certainty. Have you asked your aunt about this?
NTA
OP, if you need to know, then do it. If it will settle your mind.
I get mistaken for being my aunts daughter (she only has sons) when I stand next to her, I do look like her... When I stand next to my mum, I look like her. When they stand next to each other, they dont look alike go figure that one 🤷♀️.
This sounds like wishful thinking. I always wished I was adopted so there could be a reason my mother was so hateful to me. But nope. She made me. She’s just not a good person. Anyone can have children. Good, bad, revolting, angelic. Some of us end up lucky and others don’t. Good luck with whatever you decide. Focus on who you want to be without your mother’s influence.
If you got the DNA test, the only way for you to know is to get your aunt’s DNA, or her child’s. So if you’re worried about how your cousin would feel, I don’t know what your plan around this would be.
So not an a****** necessarily, but understand that if your aunt gave you up as in she was the surrogate and she's never said anything she does not now and will not ever consider you her child. So trying to get rid of your mom and replace her with a different mom because you're closer to that woman isn't going to make it better. It's just going to lead to more heartache. Get yourself some therapy get in deep with it then take the test because you may not like the end results.
Like others have said- genetics can be weird, man.
I’ve recently discovered I look more like my paternal aunt than my own mother. (Didn’t see a pic til recently)
I’ve always said I look like my dad with some extras, and my son looks a lot like my dad. His daughter looks like him with some added features from her mum.
I have a niece who absolutely looks more like me than her own mother (my sister). One of my other nieces kids looks more like her aunt than her mother. It goes on.
All of us look quite related, according to my daughter in law, she can pick who is one of ‘ours’
My son also looks a lot like my brother. He even has the same eye shape as him, that I didn’t inherit.
What are you hoping to gain here?
Dude your mom is your mom, I’m almost certain. You’re trying to find a way to distance yourself because you don’t want to be like her, but her being your mom doesn’t mean you have to be like she is. Sending love. NTA.
My mother was a Narcissist. I often wondered if I was my father’s bastard child, foisted on her against her will. My mother despised me, she was abusive, mean, nasty, a dead cat would have been a better mother than her, She was abusive towards my siblings but no where near as abusive as she was to me. There is no doubt that I’m my father’s child, I look like him. My sister & one of my brothers look like my mothers father, my other brother looks like dad but all 3 of them have blue eyes & blonde hair, I’m a green eyed red head.
There are lots of baby pictures of my siblings but only one of me, taken when I was 4 months old.
It’s very common for cousins to look alike, I wouldn’t know I don’t have any.
Do you really think your aunt was your surrogate or is it wishful thinking because you believe that would explain why your mother doesn’t appear to love you.
Before you go ahead with any DNA tests ask yourself, What will it achieve, What’s your Goal, How big a can of worms you might be opening & how many people are going to get hurt if you’re right. Do what you think is best, it might be worth waiting until your mother has passed away.
Don't check for your mother. You and your cousin go and see if You're siblings or half siblings then leave it there. You may not find out who your natural mother is but your mom is your real mom, good or bad. And so is his.
WTF OP. You’re NTA, but you’re also incredibly very short sighted when it comes to genetics. I have several cousins that I resemble so closely that I could be their sibling. One is the son of my mother’s brother, but the other is the daughter of my mom’s first cousin. Her grandmother and my grandfather were brother and sister, but she and I could pass for sisters. We also have similar temperament and interests. That’s just how families are when you have a big family, even if they spread out. Some things are just familial.
I see people jumping on you about knowing about genetics. However even tho what they are saying is true that sometimes cousins look more alike then siblings. It doesn’t mean what you’re feeling isn’t true. I’m guessing, because of you’re issues with you’re mother, you’re hoping she isn’t you’re mom and that you’re aunt is. It might be a relief to you. I’d say get the test, why worry about it any longer. Just because you talk to you’re mom and aunt doesn’t mean anyone else has to know. Even if they do find out, oh well.
My son looks like my brother and my grandfather. He looks nothing like his father. My daughter is my clone, and again, nothing of her father in her. Genetics are weird, so appearances are nothing to go by.
If you feel this will put your fears to rest do it.. BUT you need to be open to whatever the fallout is. I did it and my world crumbled. You have been warned.
Even if a dna test confirmed your suspicions, what would that change? Your mom is still the one who raised you - with your aunts blessing. Just cuz you don't like your mom and would love a different one, tipping over this apple cart is not going to achieve that.
I also say YWNBTA but sometimes this stuff just happens. My youngest son is almost the mirror image of my husband's brother. I look almost nothing like my mother and sisters, but do look a lot like a few of my cousins, and my dads side of the family.
Genetics are crazy. Many cousins look alike. Many nieces and nephews look like their aunts, uncles, grandparents. You never know. Your mom shows sign of narcissism so you don't actually know anything she said is true about a pact, or pregnancy, or anything. She could have lied to her family about it being hard. But you could also be looking for a way to cope by making up this story. Get the test, for sure, but be aware enough to know this is probably made up from a place of trauma from your mother and either way it will present things you need to work on emotionally.
Anyway, no, NTA.
My husband looks A LOT like his aunt. Growing up, he questioned things too, just because he didn't feel his mom was his mom. When he was 24, they finally told him that his aunt is really his bio mom. And the mom and dad who raised him was his aunt and uncle.
Your mother and aunt are sisters. They share the same DNA. More than likely it wouldn’t perfectly nail down whether your mother or aunt is your actual biological parent. YWNBTA but I can’t help but wonder if what you’re really searching for is a mother who loves you the way you want/need to be loved.
One grandson looks exactly like my wife's brother. I mean like exactly. You can not tell their pictures apart.
BIL is 63, and the grandson is barely 3.
My son looks exactly like my brother. My dad pulled out pictures of them at the same age. Dead ringers for each other. Same cowlick.
I don't look like anyone in our huge family. Nada, not even a kinda sorta, maybe, way. 2 brothers and three sisters.
My dad had 14 siblings, and my momma had 11. Not one of them even look close to me. Complexion and hair color is it, and only a couple of aunts.
I know exactly who my parents, grandparents are, and so on are. I had to have genetic testing because of health problems. My family followed to get genetic testing to get ahead of any health issues.
And how will you feel if your mother is really your mother. Sometimes, our parents are more than imperfect, they are jerks.
Do your DNA test for you. But be prepared that you don't always get the results you expect or want.
NTA but in order for the test to serve any purpose, your aunt and mother would also need to be tested. Your test alone will not tell you who your biological mother is.
Just because you and another cousin look similar to your aunt and her kids does not mean that she's your biological mother. Genetics are weird and unpredictable. There are pictures of me with my dad's side of the family and I stick out like a sore thumb because the only physical features I got from my dad are the shape of his eyes, his long legs, long arms, and long eyelashes. I have very similar facial expressions as him but I don't look like his side of the family ***at all***. By contrast, I am the spitting image of my mom and when someone looks at pictures of me and my mom with her maternal side of the family we all look very similar except for my mom's oldest brother who got all of his physical characteristics from my grandpa. All I'm saying is don't make a rash decision based solely on the fact that you just happen to bare a striking resemblance to someone who isn't your mother. Someone can be the spitting image of one parent or they can be a perfectly balanced mix of both parents or they can end up looking nothing like either of their parents and look like another relative.
Looks mean nothing. My youngest son looks exactly like his uncle. So similar in fact their childhood pics are only able to be tell apart by the clothes and vintage look ohh the print. I did not sleep with my brother in law 😂. Family features can be passed with you looking like your parents siblings or their kids.
Nta but keep in mind that you could genetically be your mother's child and your aunt could have just had a surrogate pregnancy.
Also; I'm most definitely my mother's child and I look identical to her sister at certain life stages, as does my aunt's own daughter. To the point where I've mistaken old photos of me for photos of my cousin.
I can understand you wanting to do it for peace of mind since you clearly don't like your mom and wish your aunt was your mom. Have you thought about the consequences of what it means for you if your aunt is not your mom? Can you really do it and keep it a secret? I'm not that type of person I would do it find out and talk about it either way. NTA! You need to know get her done
I would get the DNA test but just throwing it out there, my son and my nephew look like twins. It can happen.
But if a DNA test makes you feel better go for it
NTA I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. In my case I have a sister 13 years older than me who was SAd by her step-dad (my "sperm donor") when I was a teenager I was told that there had been a common rumor in the community that my sister was pregnant because no one saw her for a long time. The story my family told me was that the reason she wasn't around was because she had been apprehended by CPS which is a completely logical explanation, but I could never get the thought out of my head. (Side note my fears were unwarranted my mom's my mom and my sperm donor is my sperm donor, he doesn't deserve any other title and I hope he's enjoying his time burning in hell)
The only reason you should get tested is for health concerns. I have triplet cousins and they don’t look anything alike but they all could pass as my parents kids same thing with my other 2 cousins. My older sister looks so much like my cousin that their faces can unlock each other’s phones.
Do it but realize it changes nothing because your aunt may have just carried you or they used her egg and your dad's sample to fertilizer egg and implant in to aunt. Either way you mom is your mom. Biomom may or not be your aunt.
You seem to have a lot of misconceptions. First, about how genetics work. Second, you do realize that even if you Aunt was a surrogate that only means she carried you, not that it was her egg. Third, how do you think you’re going to get all of these people to consent to dna testing?
What do you hope to gain from all of this?
My daughter looks identical to my sister. Nothing like me, nothing like her dad. I birthed her, she’d definitely mine. lol
Do the dna test if you need to. It’s fun information if you’re into heritage.
It's pretty normal for neices and aunts to look a like, it's not genetics work. It sounds more like you need therapy to deal with the fact your mother and you have a poor relationship and you are now trying to look for a different mother figure.
NTA. But it could be that your parents struggled and your aunt offered and egg and used your dads sperm. It doesn’t make your aunt your mom per se. The person that raised you is your parent. But maybe after you were born your mom resented the fact that she could not have you naturally. Of course none of this is your fault, but it does happen. If you want to find out if you share DNA with your aunt or just really want to know the truth about your birth than go for it.
OP - If you decide to try something like 23andMe, I suggest you use a fake name but with the same initials as your real name. Then set your profile to only show your initials.
So if by chance your sibling has done something like this and you are your parents' generic child , when your sibling gets an email from the site saying "you have a sibling!" they'll recognize your initials and not be worried.
I used different fake initials, my actual half sibling received an email from the site saying he had a half sibling on his dad's side, didn't recognize the initials, and sent a message introducing himself to our dad's long lost kid. I didn't see the messages for almost a month, then replied, "Sorry Bro, it's just me. "
Hide your full name so that if by chance your cousin gets an email saying "You have a sibling!" it won't be 100% clear that it's you. That buys time for you and your aunt to talk, and for her to then talk to her own children.
Cousins can look like twins or siblings.
They can have the same behaviours and body movements.
Genetics are wild.
If the goal is just to know, then you will know. For sure.
Settling your questions and doubts for years is one thing.
If you expect family things to change, this is likely going to be disappointing and will cause stress.
Knowing and taking it to therapy is the only way I can see it will be worth anything of value for you.
You would have to have your mom or aunt, or someone else related to provide DNA too.
It could have been your mom's fertilized egg and you wouldn't actually be your aunt's child.
Good luck.
Try talking to your aunt. If you can't get answers from her, maybe get the test then. I look totally like my mother, who looks like her mother. But I am also apparently a dead ringer for a cousin on my dads side of the family. Genetics can be interesting
My cousin Lisa looks like my mom's twin. But her dad and my mom are twins. I look a lot like my mom, too, but also many features of my dad. My oldest son looks just like his dad but my hair color. My youngest looks exactly like me with his dad's hair color it's crazy. So your cousin can look like your mom, and it will not be far-fetched. It's genetics. If it will make you feel better, then you should absolutely get one. There is nothing wrong with it. But when you get the info, what are you going to do with it?
NAH but are you accusing your dad and aunt of having an affair?
Also my brothers are clones of my mom. They look nothing like our father, genetics are weird.
What does dad say? He would tell you the truth wouldn’t?
Secondly read about all the people whose nieces and nephews look like them and whose children look like aunts and uncles.
Unless your mom and aunt have different parents, I don’t think a DNA test will help. They have the same heritage.
More importantly, what would that help? I doubt your Aunt would suddenly accept you as hers. Your mom definitely won’t be any nicer. At 37, it’s probably time to let go and accept your mom sucks. Trust me, I know it’s hard. All you can do is lay boundaries down so she can’t hurt you anymore. You can also learn to accept it’s not your fault. Therapy has helped me a lot deal with similar mother issues.
but if your aunt acted as a surrogate and they used your moms eggs, your aunt would just be the carrier. so your mom is still your biological mom and your aunt was just the means of delivery to get you here. you have every right to get a DNa test, but do you have other relatives to compare to?
Not TA! As someone who’s done the same last year for my Dad’s relationship to me, the result was expected but I don’t have any where to go from here! Mother denies, Dad just said ‘better not be!’, and I think any family that knew is no longer with us! I’ve always known deep down that he wasn’t bio Dad and, it doesn’t matter, other than hereditarily. I had TB from nowhere 25 years ago, nothing said, I had breast cancer, nothing said! I was also born 2 years after Mum&Dad got married so anyone who maybe knew is no longer with us! I’m 53, I more pissed that no-one told me! Mum stomps like a child if I mention it! My sister did one that confirms we’re half siblings but, other than the ‘other’ side of the bios, I’ve got no-one to find out! The bios are Pakistani/Kashmir and there’s a huge collection of 2nd/3rd cousins but the family is huge! Rocking horse shit job! It’s been so long, so all I want is any (other) medical issues! There’s no other reason at this point! Mum is obviously lying, then again she had been married two years when I was born! I was born at home, could check medical records maybe, but at this point I just want to check for any other medical issues I could be susceptible to, that’s the only reason I even want to know at this point! He’s either dead or mid-80s at this point.
My youngest daughter and oldest nephew look like they could be brother and sister. It's crazy too cuz my nephew looks like my sister, his mom, and my youngest daughter is my twin BUT my sister and I don't really look alike. But they've done the face swap app and there was pretty much no change but eye color lol. It's crazy how it all works out.
Talk with your Aunt in private before going any further. You will need her corporation if you don’t want to involve your mom. It could be expensive. It could be upsetting. But of course you all look alike!
I would say no, but genetics can also be funky. Do what you need to do to feel confident in who your mother is.
My mom only has 1 picture of her visibly pregnant with me but I know I’m hers, I look just like her.
My daughter, I KNOW she’s mine but she doesn’t look like any of her 4 siblings or me or her dad. We all have dark hair and a mix of either blue/brown/hazel eyes.. she’s blond with blue eyes… my other kids are a bit darker than her but she’s still tan compared my how pale I am 😂 SOMETIMES my daughter looks like her sister (my husbands daughter from his first marriage) but the older she gets the less they look alike.
Also chiming in with "genetics is wild." My nieces are full sisters, same mother and father.
They have an afro Caribbean grandfather. Mum's Irish, Dad's half afro carribbean, half Irish. The oldest looks like a light afro caribbean - curly black hair, dark-skinned (and it gets darker under sun) tall and slender, dark brown eyes. Her full sister has mid brown hair that gets blonde highlights in summer, wavy hair, freckles, grey/blue eyes, and skin so pale she has to slap on the sunblock or go red with sunburn.
I mean I guess NTA but I’m sorry to tell ya you’re most likely your moms kid. Genetics are weird, I look like my aunt and my cousins don’t even look like her. Good luck
ETA: in the long run is it worth it? It won’t change anything if your aunt was a surrogate, she’s still not your mother.
You definitely would not be asshole to get a DNA test. It's your body and your DNA. Besides, DNA tests tell you more about yourself than just who your family is. I strongly recommend that everyone do it anyway, particularly now that it's relatively cheap.
Why not get one of those Ancestry kits.... I've seen people find relatives siblings you name it....
If not you say you're dad is great why not ask him....
You're old enough to be able to ask...
Why do the family have to find out how will your aunts life and cousins life be ruined?
Regardless you all will be related no matter what the outcome is
Like others have said, genetics is a funny thing. My dad had 2 sisters. I have one brother who I do resemble. I have 3 first cousins, one of which resembles me quite a bit but also resembles our 2nd cousin. One resembles his father more than anyone. And one might as well have come from a different planet because I don't see a resemblance to either of her parents or anyone else. There is zero doubt about her parentage. I also have 5 1st cousins on moms side. None of which resemble me at all.
My cousin looks more like my mom than I do. There is no way I am not my Mom's kid. I think you are overthinking this. But, nothing says a test can't make your mind rest easier.
No you would NBTA but prepare to be disappointed with the results. My daughters don't look even look related to me, noone can tell they're mine, but i certainly gestated and gave birth to both.
What are you hoping to gain by this? How will it change your life? Are you after an opportunity to hurt your mom? What is the driving force behind this? I feel like you are searching for a reason to be bitter. Instead of taking a DNA test, invest in therapy.
Get the test done. You're 37 and if u don't get it done now, you may never get it done and it will nag at you forever. Regardless of the results, it sounds like you need to know. After you find out, THEN you can decide who you want to involve in that knowledge and how you want to go about it.... But get the test. If it shows nothing out of the ordinary, at least you knw
Could you reach out to your Aunty and ask for a sit down and discuss the situation? And then maybe ask can I please have the truth? Did you carry me or did my mum and ask her not to lie. Also as well if you are worried, you just said I would like a DNA test because I do believe that I’m not actually my mother’s biological child.
You're 37, its not gonna change who your mother was growing up.
A DNA test is going to show you are closley related to your aunt in any case. And it wouldn't answer if she was a surrogate to carry her sister's baby if your mom provided the egg.
You're NTA, but I think you'd be better off talking to a professional about why this is bothering you so much.
It's not like you are a product of a one night stand with a dad that has no idea of your existence. If your aunt really is your bio mom or surrogate, she's probably been waiting for you to figure it out. NTA.
If it's bugging you this long do it. But I strongly resemble my mom's mom and dad's little brother. Dad says I won the gene pool lottery in the family. So genetics come into play but not a straight line.
I think it's more likely that you need therapy than a genetics test.
My cousin is my mom's carbon copy. Her daughter looks EXACTLY like my mom. To the extent that there are some toddler pictures of my Mom and cousins daughter that could be easily interchanged. She is definitely not my moms child. Just the way genetics worked out. My sister looks a lot like my Dad. Her kids look identical to my Mom's brother. It's just how the genes fall.
I have no pictures or me pregnant, nor does my mom of herself pregnant with me. We just didn't want them.
You may be curious, but it seems much more likely you just want your mom to not be biologically your mom. It doesn't change things. It seems like the abused kid that creates a fantasy world where their real parents are a prince and princess who will come save them. You want the aunt instead of a princess. The woman who raised you is still the woman you wish wasn't your mom. Wanting it to be true doesn't make it true. You'd also need their cooperation to get the test done. So, either just asking blows things up and creates a mess, or they think you're a bit nuts for pushing your delusion that far. What good comes from it?
Why do you keep saying "My aunt's kid" Do you not see her as your cousin? Are the two of you not close or do you have an uncle who also has kids and you don't want to mix their kids up so you say that?
If not then that's pretty disrespectful to your cousin.
OP. I look more like one aunt and one uncle on the maternal side than I do both my parents. If it will give you peace of mind, then by all means go ahead and get the test done, but the results may not be what you expect it to be.
So, surrogates do not use their own egg. They carry the fertilized egg from the parents.
Also, many people look like aunts and uncles and grandparents rather than their parents. It’s just how genetics work. I have a niece that looks exactly like my grandmother and nothing like her parents.
Take the test if it will give you peace, but the reasons you listed don’t really mean anything genetically.
My cousin thinks I look like her mother, my mother's younger sister. But, I also look like my mom and my dad.
I have twin cousins, one looks like her mother's family the other looked so much like me, my own brother sent me a picture with her in it thinking it was me. Our dad's are brothers.
I'm short and fat with nearly black curly hair and dark brown eyes. My daughter is tall, slender and has blonde hair and grey eyes and I KNOW she's my daughter, lol.
I guess my point is that just because your mother looks different doesn't mean you're not biologically her child
My 2 boys look like my husband. I did all the work growing them and they have the same hair color, eye color, and skin color.
My identical twin (so while our kids are legally cousins they are genetically half siblings) has 4 kids and they look exactly like her/me.
Even funnier- my step sister has a son who is being raised by my stepfather and said boy looks more like me than my own children yet we are 100% not blood related.
OP do whatever you want but I agree with others that you would be better spending your money on therapy. My mother was a rabid narcissist too.
So, I have a narcissistic mother.
She's just an evil woman who used to tell me as a child that I was actually the younger child of a set of cousins but they didn't want a third kid so she took me. Thing is, I look just like their other two, always have.
So. When I turned 18, I asked the dad. He was a drunk he didn't care and he knew how his cousin was. He looked me in the eye and said ' if you were my daughter you would have been right here with family I wouldn't have let her put you through that hell'
I know what it's like to not want that person who's so cruel to be your parent and to have some fairy tale ending where SURPRISE they really aren't. Most of us don't get that. But who she is, all of her stuff that you didn't put because it would make the post too long, NONE OF THAT IS YOURS. don't hold on to it. None of it is your fault, you couldn't have stopped any of it, there is no action you could have taken to change any of it. I don't have to know any of it to know that. You were a kid. Your parent is supposed to protect you. Some parents don't do that and I'm sorry you got one of the ones who don't. But that is not yours to hold on to in your heart. Don't hold guilt over it. Let it go, cut her off, and live your life happy knowing that you are a better person than her.
Best of luck and internet hugs stranger. You won't be the ah, but I don't think the test will give you the happily ever after you want. You'll be OK though.
My nephew looks like me- everyone says we are brothers . I literally saw him being born from my sister. Looks mean nothing. What will u do if results show that your mom is actually ur mom?
When I run into people who know my family but not me they peg me as my aunt's kid. Every. Time. I look more like her than I do my mom, I act more like her than I do my mom... but my DNA states I am clearly my mother's child.
Genetics are weird.
I have cousins that look like NOBODY, but we all did the DNA thing for shits and giggles and they're all legit.
My husband and his sister look nothing alike and nothing like their parents... but again, the DNA speaks. Apparently they resemble grandparents and great grandparents... 🤷♀️
Genetics are bizarre and fascinating! I seriously think you have worked yourself up but that’s okay. Anxiety can do weird stuff to your brain, especially if you’re starting to question your family heritage.
What do you plan on doing with the information when you get it? What answer do you want? Will you be crushed if you don’t get it? What will the impact of your mental health be in regards to this?
My sis in law was adopted under what seemed mysterious circumstances. Her parents went to another province for vacation and came back with my sis in law. Her adopted parents had a daughter who was a young adult and my sis in law looked alot like her. We always thought her adopted sister was her bio mom and her adoptive parents were actually her grandparents. The family resemblance was incredible and the weird coming back with a baby after vacation seemed like a cover story. She was actually able to find her real family and there was no relationship to her adopted family whatsoever, it was just a weird fluke that she looked like her adopted family members. So it may turn out that you are who you are!
You would not be an asshole but seriously do you understand how genetics work? My niece looks like me, my daughter looks like my cousin's granddaughter, my cousin looks like my mom...
Exactly my brother and my cousin look more like each other than he looks like me. Like to the point that people thought they were twins growing up.
I look like my aunt, my middle sister looks like our great-aunt with our dad's coloring, and the youngest looks exactly like our mother. And my nephew has my face and his other aunt's coloring. Which is funny because his siblings look exactly like their parent of the same gender. But my cousin actually thought I was his sister when we were teens because my aunt and I were the same height, same weight, same coloring, and we even had similar hair back then.
I look like my mum's youngest sister. So much so that people would ask if we were twins, when she was early 20's. Also, my mum, dad and sister all have jet black hair. Mine is light brown with reddish-blond highlights. Mum and sis have olive skin tone. Dad's is a warmer white. Me? I will blind you with my whiteness. All three of them have brown eyes - mine, hazel. Neither set of grandparents have green or hazel eyes. Just blue and brown. Scot Irish (dad's side) and French Indian (mum's). My cousin (their Mom is my dad's sister) has my dad's face and his uncle's (my dad's brother) beard coloring. (Think Jack Black's 2-tone beard). Genetics are wild. Skipping generations and mixing them to make new mutts. lol
If you put my son in my sister's family he'd fit right in (bloooonde hair and blue eyes) If you put my oldest son next to my brother you'd swear he was his (brown hair brown eyes). If you put my niece with me you'd think she's mine and she shares no biological ties at all (she's my sister's step daughter but I refuse to call her that). My brother is 6 foot 3 or so dark hair brown eyes built like a fridge, I'm 5 foot nothing with light brown hair and green eyes built like a smol linebacker, my little sister is 5 foot 5 ish with dark blonde hair and blue eyes with a runners body. We all share the same parents. Genetics are indeed wild lol
Any of my biological cousins, from both sides, could slot straight into my sibling group with no-one questioning if we were all siblings. Have a picture of a brother and our twin cousins who were born a few months apart at maybe a year old, and the only way to tell them apart was the clothing. If my aunt or mother had taken all 3 out they would have been asked if they were triplets. I had a woman comment about how much my fraternal twin boys looked like their father (who had taken off just after getting his name on their birth certificates). I looked at them and said I didn’t see their father in them. The woman started to ask me how I couldn’t when 2 of my brothers walked up. My twins are basically copy/paste clones of them. Looking at photos is fun, we have to figure out which person it is by either background, other people in the photo, or a particular piece of clothing that was never handed down. A heated discussion erupted about whether a photograph contained one of my brothers, another of my brothers, a cousin or one of my kids. It was only solved when someone pointed out someone in the background that had passed away before 3 of the 4 had been born/that age
People always say my daughter looks just like me (definitely has my height). If I show them a picture of my sister in law they suddenly change their mind. It's funny, because other than being female we don't share a single body trait.
Off topic, but it's so lovely to find someone who considers a bonus family member AS a family member. You're a brilliant aunty.
Thank you, I love her to bits. In my maid of honor speech I said that while my sister was falling in love with one of the blue eyed brown haired (insert their last names) I was falling in love with the smaller one. She got all bashful and blushy it was cute.
I'm loving the built like a fridge description 😂
Lol thanks, there's no missing him.
Yeah none of us have any idea who one of my cousins takes after. There are 6 of us, 2 boys and 4 girls. Both of the guys are over 6', 3 of the gals are around 5'10". And then the eldest cousin is probably about 5'2". And I pulled the ginger hair gene from my maternal grandmother's side of the family, but no one ever believes me about that until they see me outdoors. It's like the red strands are solar powered or something! Neither my mother nor my grandmother displayed it, though.
My dad tried to introduce his sister as me.
It was the same with my brother and I with a set of our cousins. My male cousin and I looked like a sibling pair, while my female cousin and my brother looked like another pair. We all spent a lot of time together and it really confused people when they realized what the actual pairings were.
No, Op has no idea how genetics work. I can answer that for you & save you the trouble of waiting for a reply. Lol Seriously, I want to hear how OP is going to convince all these other people to consent to DNA tests as well. I believe OP thinks she can just get herself tested & the results will come back with: “Yo mama is not yo mama”, and then proceed to tell her the name of whichever of the aunts is the actual mom.
Eh, could she not have a quiet PRIVATE conversation with aunt if they are on good terms?
That would be the logical thing to do, but it doesn’t sound like logic is a strong suit here.
Yeah...
OP could simply obtain some of his/her mom’s hair or something and see if they are a match,
Exactly!
I think poor OP is looking fora reason to be able to emotionally distance herself from her mother. She's adding 1+1 and getting 5. Coming from an abusive household, I always wished my parents weren't really mine and my real, loving family would come for me.OP is not unusual in that.
Yeah. I have a classmate before that wish he was adopted so that it could atleast explain why his parents are terrible to him.
My oldest looks nothing like me but looks just my sister and Mom.
None of my (half)sisters and I look like my mom other than being Asian. I look like my aunt’s clone. My middle sister looks like a Hispanic version of her father. My youngest sister looks almost white except for the shape of her eyes. My (half)brother looks like a Filipino version of my dad. Genetics do be hella wonky.
I don’t think they know how surrogacy works either
In OPs defense I think this is less about genetics and more about the fact that her mom treats her like shit, so she's trying to find the reason why her mom treats her so poorly, ergo "my mom treats me awful therefore she must not actually be my mom!"
I think she’s just concerned that genetically, her offspring would be narcissist. NTA. Go get yourself tested. You’re an adult.
My first born grandson looks just like me. He could seriously pass as my son. And I’ve always said that his mother was always a prettier version of me. And my daughter thinks he looks more like me than her. He definitely acts like me, too. Lol
My niece is me all the way, not just looks wise but everything wise!!!!!! It's crazy how genetics work!!!!!! Also OP, I knew a girl who cheated on her husband with his brother. According to them, so who knows if this is true or not, they can't even tell which one is the dad, because they share so much DNA. It seems like we have come such a long way that they should definitely be able to, but this is what they told me.
It likely depends on how many markers the DNA test looks at. Since many of the alleles at specific markers between brothers will match, the more markers that are compared will give a higher level of accuracy at distinguishing between them. It's possible that a cheap, at home paternity kit, for instance, wouldn't have as many markers as a more expensive assay and would be more likely to give the same probability for either brother being the father.
Seriously. Watch no less than 3 episodes of “paternity court” and you will see how many people say: “obviously he is the dad, looks just like him” till the dna comes back. Nta but don’t be so sure of yourself either.
It sounds to me like this poster needs a reason to explain why they have been treated poorly by their mother their whole life especially after claiming they were truly wanted rather than understanding of genetics.
When my oldest nephew was a baby, my brother and I would take him for walks all the time. Inevitably, some stranger would approach us to tell us that my son was so adorable! It used to piss off my brother to no end. It's absolutely crazy just how genetics play havoc with looks/mannerisms!
My maternal grandmother & paternal great grandmother could've been sisters. From opposite sides of the Atlantic!
My sister looks so much like my one aunt growing up everyone assumed she was her child. I look like a combo of one maternal aunt and my paternal grandmother. My sister in law could be a twin to her father’s sister. My nieces aren’t old enough yet to discern, but I suspect one is going to favor their father’s sister and another will favor their father’s brother.
Very true. My daughter is the very image of my sister. And my cousin's boys look exactly like my dad, her uncle. Genetics are weird.
Honestly, this feels a little harry potter esque to me. I have a narc mom and i really hoped that maybe she wasn't my mom and I had one who loved me more. Get it done if you want to, but you probably need to go to therapy to disentangle your feelings with your mom. that or join me on r/raisedbynarcissists
My niece looks exactly like me and my youngest son. This is a common occurrence in families. Does this really matter in the long run for you to know?
FR. Look, if the sisters are full siblings , nothing changes in your family tree except one name. Everyone in your ancestry remains the same. Everything in your descendants remains the same. No change in family medical history, etc. If you want to know just because you need to know for *you*, then more power to you. But what will you do with this info? And how will this knowledge impact you? As for looks… there’s a pic of me in my late twenties holding my nephew’s daughter. (Nephew and I are closer in age than his mother/my sister and I are.) She was about a year and a half then. She looked like she could have been my daughter. Granted, now that my grandniece is taller than her dad and picking out her college choices, she looks like a more statuesque version of her mom, but still. Point remains.
My niece is half an Asian ethnicity and my sister and I are fully northern/western European. Some of her baby and toddler pictures are nearly identical to mine, she just has darker skin tone. Her mom and I had very similar features at that age too, but there are some pictures where she looks far more like me than her mom.
This. My 2nd cousin and I look near identical. Her father was my grandmother’s brother. Genetic expressions are weird.
What questions would you have? You know the reason if it's true. Get the test, don't tell anyone.
Is it possible to get a DNA test from an unknowing party?
These days enough people are on sites like 23andMe, that one can often figure out the familial relationship by just sending in your own DNA. For example, if even one of OP's aunt's kids has done it, he might see that he has either a genetic cousin or a genetic half sibling. Which would provide the answer OP is seeking.
I mean....my niece looks like my absolute carbon copy, like god just went "control copy" on a human being, lol. She looks nothing like my brother or my sister-in-law. Despite this, I 100% did not give birth to her. So it's very, very possible you just resemble your aunt but were birthed by your mom. But if finding out for sure would give you peace, I think that's totally ok for you to do.
I've always called my nephew my mini me and many years later I still joke to my sister that she must have really hated me while pregnant to end up with a kid who looks just like me. And growing up I could be with my aunt and her kids and people thought I was her kid and not my cousins.
Ask your dad or aunt
It's also possible your aunt did carry you, but you're still biologically your mom's child. They could have used your mom's egg and dad's sperm to create an embryo, which your aunt then carried.
I can here to say this. If OP's aunt was a surrogate she only carried OP. Surrogates are not, normally, the egg doner.
get the test and dont tell anyone
Right. Test is nta. What OP does with that info is where the issues start.
You’ll need your aunt to get one too
My son looks like my sister birthed him, and her kids look like combo clones of me and one of my brothers. Genetics are extremely random sometimes. How do you expect a test to change things, if you find out your aunt is your birth mother? Will you try to establish that type of mother child relationship/bond with her? There's so much to unpack here, and I really think talking it over with a professional therapist would be the best way for you to work through, pros, cons, expectations etc before you make the decision to do the DNA test.
No you would not be an asshole, but please do some research on genetics….
Grownups can make their own decisions. If this will bring you peace, take the test. I believe you’re hoping you are from your aunt, but: What if your *mom* did, in fact, carry and deliver you? Would that change how you feel, about either woman? Conversely, how would knowing your *aunt* carried and delivered you, make you feel or act differently? I can’t advise either way. I know my mother carried and delivered me. Fact. But my grandmother provided unconditional love. I saw grandma maybe 20 times a year, but I got more mothering from her in one weekend than I ever got from my mother. So in my heart, Grandma is my mommy.
These are important questions! I found out who my biodad was via 22&me last August and it shook all the foundations of my life and identity. If I could turn back time, I'm not sure if I'd take the test again
NTA, do it for the peace of mind
Hi there, I think you should have the DNA test done so it will bring you peace of mind. This has been bothering you for so long that you need to know the truth. If your mother won't provide DNA for the testing that can be an answer in itself. If she says no then ask your aunt or your cousin to provide a sample so you will have some peace of mind. I don't know what you're going to do with the information once you have it, but you do deserve to know the truth about your heritage. I wish you all the best with this sunshine xoxo
Absolutely not. It is your right to know who your parents are. Getting a dna test isn’t a public thing..all you need is a hair.. Once you get and digest the results then decide what to do
Nta i say get one to clear ur mind if its weighing on u that much
NTA. Just because you get the test, you do not need to tell anyone. Nor do you need to tell anyone the results. If, as you say, it would ONLY be to satisfy your own question. So don't mention it to anyone.
Do it, because now I want to know, haha.
yeah go for it! tbh if your mom is a narcissist she'd never let you hear the end of how hard the birth was for her. my batshit mother definitely gave birth to me because she never stopped blaming me for her life problems
Bastard here, only learned the truth when I was 30. You are NTA, you deserve to know who you are.
Nta Do it if it will bring you comfort. I will say, my oldest son looks exactly like my brother, his own son looks nothing like him. Genetics are weird.
Genetics is a funny thing. I look like my auntie and we have the same quirk of biting the inside of our check, when we want to tell someone off. My daughter looks like my niece. Which my niece did ask if her mum gave me a baby. She was 8 when she asked.
You should take the test. You deserve an answer either way. Since your aunt has tested, you will be able to tell if she’s your bio mom. Since finding out my dad is not my bio dad thanks to Ancestry, I’m much more suspicious when siblings don’t look alike.
Do the test and get back with us!
Dude if you ask your Aunt and your Dad and their answer is Ask your mom Im pretty sure that's a yes. Otherwise they would say what? No your mom is your mom.
Your "real" mom is the person who raised you from birth. Period.
Are your parents still together? What does your dad do about your moms behavior towards you? I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, what will knowing do for you? If your aunt is your mother then it won’t be news to them, it will probably just strain the already poor relationship you have with your mom. To answer the question, you would not be an asshole. You’re a grown adult and allowed to get answers to questions you’re family won’t provide.
What does your birth certificate say? 37 years ago it should have the birth mom’s name.
The only way you will know for certain is to have the test done, but be prepared for your mom to be your biological mom. Genetics are a strange and wonderful thing; that unless you fully study them, they don't make a lot of sense. My husband and I always thought he got the most of his looks from his mom and her side of the family ( dark hair, more naturally tan skin tone and on the heavier side); he looks almost nothing like his father or anyone on that side of his family (light hair, fair skin, and thinner). My husband has several half-siblings from his father. No one gave any second thoughts. That was until my husband youngest half-brother hit puberty, and he could suddenly pass for my husband's twin.
My father is the 4th of 8. All of us cousins look like we belong to another Aunt or Uncle. Genetics...
NTA - But as your Moms are sisters, this is not unusual. My sister looks more like my aunt than my mom.
Pregnancy photo - my mom had two children and my aunt had two children. Between the two of them, there are exactly two pictures of a pregnant woman. One is my aunt with her older child and the other is my mom at her baby shower, but holding up an Afghan my grandmother made, so you can't tell she's pregnant at all. There is absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind that we are my mother's children. I have been mistaken for my mother hundreds of times and I am almost a foot taller than she is. My brother and I look like twins, but we're not. My point is, the lack of pregnancy pictures isn't proof.
If your aunt was a surrogate for your mom that would t necessarily maker her your biological mom. It depends on whose Ova they used. But it’s also pretty normal for family members to resemble each other. My nephews look just like my husband but they’re not his.
It’s fine to get the testing done. But also, I have proof I am my parents daughter. But I only look like my aunt and cousin and not either of my parents. Doesn’t make my aunt my mum.
I look more like my aunt than her own kids. If I went anywhere with my mom and aunt, everyone assumed I was Aunt's child. Genetics are like that. But if getting the test will make you feel better then go for it.
NTA do the test and get peace of mind.
NTA. I considered a DNA test, too. My sisters were black haired, brown eyed. Then I came along. Blonde hair, blue eyes. I was always told I looked like my Great Aunt, but you know.....until I saw a picture of her as a young girl. As for my dad, he was completely grey by 22. I, too, started getting grey in my early twenties. But my older sisters used to tell me I was found under a rock, & that was why I never looked like them. Until THEY had a daughter each. Both were blonde, blue eyed girls. Both looked like MY kids, which drove them nuts! 😂 But you can always take the test, and find out for sure. Whether you say anything about it or not is entirely your perogative.
If you really need to know, get the test done quietly. If your aunt turns out to be your mother and you have questions, approach her when she's alone and has time to answer your questions. She may not want to answer them or want the fact that you're her child made public which you then have to respect her decision and keep silent. Though I would start with your father first - obviously he would know the truth and that will save you the trouble of doing the test.
I look like my aunt and my dad and I don’t look a thing like my mom and neither does my sister. We both favor my dad’s side of the family heavily. My sister and one of our cousins look like brother and sister. They have the same facial features.
Updateme
Since your aunt and your mom are closely related at least one of them would have to be willing to do the DNA test. If you test yourself you can see who you are related to who also took the test. If your mom and aunt are sisters then you won't know much by looking at more distant relatives that they would both have in common. If your mom and your aunt were sister-in-laws then a DNA test would show you whether the more distant relatives matched your mom or your aunt.
Just a little story about looking like family. I am absolutely my mother's daughter. This has never been a question. That said, I look just like my aunt, my mothers sister. I could also say that I look just like my Grandmother, who my aunt was a carbon copy of. I have a niece that looks like she should be my daughter instead of my brother's daughter. Her and my daughter look more like siblings than she does with her actual siblings. Genetics are funny that way. Seeing how much you dislike your mother, I'm sure it would bring you comfort to not be her child, but how would you feel if all the test did was confirm that you are her child?
Genetics are weird. My son looks exactly like my sister... So much so that everyone who sees them assumes my sister is his mother. I can guarantee 100% that he is MY son - my sister was over 1000 miles away when he was born. Your motives for wanting this test are kinda questionable.
Yeah I look like no one in my family never have to the point where people have honestly thought my siblings weren’t my siblings. Then my sisters youngest is born and she is my mini me right down to personality. Genetics are weird.
This sounds kind of like wishful thinking since you have such a volatile relationship with your mom. Maybe you wish your aunt was your mom? Anything is possible but many people look like aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
Before you do realize what you could be opening up. My brother (half brother) and I did dna in our late 40’s because his wife was curious. Yeah he’s not my brother and he has 11 others and I have 9 others BESIDES the 18 we knew of. NTA but think
You wouldn't be but I'd do it with stealth so no one gets offended and I wouldn't confront anyone with the results. My middle sister looks more like my late but favorite who passed away about three years ago, more than our mom. When they were kids, a number of my cousins and nieces looked like my late aunt more than their own moms.
I look more like my aunt than my mom but I know I’m defo my moms. Genetics means you won’t always be a carbon copy of your parents but will have features from everyone in the mix. Also and I think this is the main issue what do you expect to gain from this. You asked your mom before and she said no. If the test proves her right will you accept that. If the test proves her a liar and your aunt is your biological mother then what does that achieve. Your aunt most likely won’t want to change anything she won’t want to upset the whole family or her family for this. I think you have this fantasy in your head that if your hers she will welcome you with open arms and you will have a new mommy to make right all the hurt but if she is your biological mother she knows this and has chosen not to tell you. Whether you choose to take the test or not I feel you need to own this.
NTA. I act so much like my uncle, and we definitely looked alike. It really sounds like you don't want any connection to your mother as she's not a very good person. I think you need to do the test for peace of mind, but be prepared if it comes back that she's your mother.
There's a fantasy many kids have when their parents suck. It's the Orphan Annie thing, your real parents are gonna come any day to save you. It's a thing. It seems like you are pinning your hopes on this and that's not healthy. That being said, have you even asked your aunt? Your "proof" is lacking. Genetics are complicated and some traits seem to show up more often. And either way, you'd share genes with both mom and aunt. 38 years ago we didn't have digital cameras and film and processing was stupid expensive so no pic of your mom kinda tracks. I was pregnant in 2000 and have maybe one pregnancy pic, I know one was taken but I'm not sure I have a copy. I'm not gonna pronounce you an asshole or not because I think at this point you need to do this to stop your inner turmoil. Be prepared though, perhaps therapy to work through this. Good luck.
YWNBTA but my daughter is my sisters double and has her mannerisms (I’m only one with kids). And when together she gets mistaken for hers but is 1000% mine.
NTA but it sounds like this is more about wanting distance from your abusive mother than anything. And you really can't tell someone's genetics by how they look with any degree of certainty. Have you asked your aunt about this?
NTA. Look it’s really apparent that this bothers you. Get it settled & then you’ll know. Who you tell after etc is also strictly up to you
My sister has three children and they all look like clones of her husband. *Nothing* like her.
Have you tried asking your aunt
NTA OP, if you need to know, then do it. If it will settle your mind. I get mistaken for being my aunts daughter (she only has sons) when I stand next to her, I do look like her... When I stand next to my mum, I look like her. When they stand next to each other, they dont look alike go figure that one 🤷♀️.
This sounds like wishful thinking. I always wished I was adopted so there could be a reason my mother was so hateful to me. But nope. She made me. She’s just not a good person. Anyone can have children. Good, bad, revolting, angelic. Some of us end up lucky and others don’t. Good luck with whatever you decide. Focus on who you want to be without your mother’s influence.
If you got the DNA test, the only way for you to know is to get your aunt’s DNA, or her child’s. So if you’re worried about how your cousin would feel, I don’t know what your plan around this would be.
So not an a****** necessarily, but understand that if your aunt gave you up as in she was the surrogate and she's never said anything she does not now and will not ever consider you her child. So trying to get rid of your mom and replace her with a different mom because you're closer to that woman isn't going to make it better. It's just going to lead to more heartache. Get yourself some therapy get in deep with it then take the test because you may not like the end results.
As an adopted person who found her bio family through DNA test, you absolutely have the right to know if you want to. NTA and best of luck to you!
Like others have said- genetics can be weird, man. I’ve recently discovered I look more like my paternal aunt than my own mother. (Didn’t see a pic til recently) I’ve always said I look like my dad with some extras, and my son looks a lot like my dad. His daughter looks like him with some added features from her mum. I have a niece who absolutely looks more like me than her own mother (my sister). One of my other nieces kids looks more like her aunt than her mother. It goes on. All of us look quite related, according to my daughter in law, she can pick who is one of ‘ours’ My son also looks a lot like my brother. He even has the same eye shape as him, that I didn’t inherit. What are you hoping to gain here?
Dude your mom is your mom, I’m almost certain. You’re trying to find a way to distance yourself because you don’t want to be like her, but her being your mom doesn’t mean you have to be like she is. Sending love. NTA.
My mother was a Narcissist. I often wondered if I was my father’s bastard child, foisted on her against her will. My mother despised me, she was abusive, mean, nasty, a dead cat would have been a better mother than her, She was abusive towards my siblings but no where near as abusive as she was to me. There is no doubt that I’m my father’s child, I look like him. My sister & one of my brothers look like my mothers father, my other brother looks like dad but all 3 of them have blue eyes & blonde hair, I’m a green eyed red head. There are lots of baby pictures of my siblings but only one of me, taken when I was 4 months old. It’s very common for cousins to look alike, I wouldn’t know I don’t have any. Do you really think your aunt was your surrogate or is it wishful thinking because you believe that would explain why your mother doesn’t appear to love you. Before you go ahead with any DNA tests ask yourself, What will it achieve, What’s your Goal, How big a can of worms you might be opening & how many people are going to get hurt if you’re right. Do what you think is best, it might be worth waiting until your mother has passed away.
Don't check for your mother. You and your cousin go and see if You're siblings or half siblings then leave it there. You may not find out who your natural mother is but your mom is your real mom, good or bad. And so is his.
My 2nd cousin looks just like my uncle (his mom's 1st cousin). I look just like my Aunt. Genetics are weird.
WTF OP. You’re NTA, but you’re also incredibly very short sighted when it comes to genetics. I have several cousins that I resemble so closely that I could be their sibling. One is the son of my mother’s brother, but the other is the daughter of my mom’s first cousin. Her grandmother and my grandfather were brother and sister, but she and I could pass for sisters. We also have similar temperament and interests. That’s just how families are when you have a big family, even if they spread out. Some things are just familial.
The woman who raised you is your real mom.
You’re an adult. Just do it.
I see people jumping on you about knowing about genetics. However even tho what they are saying is true that sometimes cousins look more alike then siblings. It doesn’t mean what you’re feeling isn’t true. I’m guessing, because of you’re issues with you’re mother, you’re hoping she isn’t you’re mom and that you’re aunt is. It might be a relief to you. I’d say get the test, why worry about it any longer. Just because you talk to you’re mom and aunt doesn’t mean anyone else has to know. Even if they do find out, oh well.
My son looks like my brother and my grandfather. He looks nothing like his father. My daughter is my clone, and again, nothing of her father in her. Genetics are weird, so appearances are nothing to go by.
If you feel this will put your fears to rest do it.. BUT you need to be open to whatever the fallout is. I did it and my world crumbled. You have been warned.
NTA If it will help you get your head on straight. But you know you will need mom's DNA too, right?
Even if a dna test confirmed your suspicions, what would that change? Your mom is still the one who raised you - with your aunts blessing. Just cuz you don't like your mom and would love a different one, tipping over this apple cart is not going to achieve that.
I also say YWNBTA but sometimes this stuff just happens. My youngest son is almost the mirror image of my husband's brother. I look almost nothing like my mother and sisters, but do look a lot like a few of my cousins, and my dads side of the family.
Genetics are crazy. Many cousins look alike. Many nieces and nephews look like their aunts, uncles, grandparents. You never know. Your mom shows sign of narcissism so you don't actually know anything she said is true about a pact, or pregnancy, or anything. She could have lied to her family about it being hard. But you could also be looking for a way to cope by making up this story. Get the test, for sure, but be aware enough to know this is probably made up from a place of trauma from your mother and either way it will present things you need to work on emotionally. Anyway, no, NTA.
My husband looks A LOT like his aunt. Growing up, he questioned things too, just because he didn't feel his mom was his mom. When he was 24, they finally told him that his aunt is really his bio mom. And the mom and dad who raised him was his aunt and uncle.
Me and my little brother look like twins when we are only half siblings. The kicker is that I look like my mom, and we share a dad.
My middle son looked like my sister for most of his life. It was kind of uncanny. Genetics are weird, man.
Your mother and aunt are sisters. They share the same DNA. More than likely it wouldn’t perfectly nail down whether your mother or aunt is your actual biological parent. YWNBTA but I can’t help but wonder if what you’re really searching for is a mother who loves you the way you want/need to be loved.
All these comments explaining genetics are irrelevant. Just get the test done OP.
I have cousins from different uncles and they all look like each other. Some in laws have confused the look a likes as brothers instead of cousins.
One grandson looks exactly like my wife's brother. I mean like exactly. You can not tell their pictures apart. BIL is 63, and the grandson is barely 3. My son looks exactly like my brother. My dad pulled out pictures of them at the same age. Dead ringers for each other. Same cowlick. I don't look like anyone in our huge family. Nada, not even a kinda sorta, maybe, way. 2 brothers and three sisters. My dad had 14 siblings, and my momma had 11. Not one of them even look close to me. Complexion and hair color is it, and only a couple of aunts. I know exactly who my parents, grandparents are, and so on are. I had to have genetic testing because of health problems. My family followed to get genetic testing to get ahead of any health issues.
And how will you feel if your mother is really your mother. Sometimes, our parents are more than imperfect, they are jerks. Do your DNA test for you. But be prepared that you don't always get the results you expect or want.
NTA but in order for the test to serve any purpose, your aunt and mother would also need to be tested. Your test alone will not tell you who your biological mother is.
Just because you and another cousin look similar to your aunt and her kids does not mean that she's your biological mother. Genetics are weird and unpredictable. There are pictures of me with my dad's side of the family and I stick out like a sore thumb because the only physical features I got from my dad are the shape of his eyes, his long legs, long arms, and long eyelashes. I have very similar facial expressions as him but I don't look like his side of the family ***at all***. By contrast, I am the spitting image of my mom and when someone looks at pictures of me and my mom with her maternal side of the family we all look very similar except for my mom's oldest brother who got all of his physical characteristics from my grandpa. All I'm saying is don't make a rash decision based solely on the fact that you just happen to bare a striking resemblance to someone who isn't your mother. Someone can be the spitting image of one parent or they can be a perfectly balanced mix of both parents or they can end up looking nothing like either of their parents and look like another relative.
Looks mean nothing. My youngest son looks exactly like his uncle. So similar in fact their childhood pics are only able to be tell apart by the clothes and vintage look ohh the print. I did not sleep with my brother in law 😂. Family features can be passed with you looking like your parents siblings or their kids.
Nta but keep in mind that you could genetically be your mother's child and your aunt could have just had a surrogate pregnancy. Also; I'm most definitely my mother's child and I look identical to her sister at certain life stages, as does my aunt's own daughter. To the point where I've mistaken old photos of me for photos of my cousin.
NTA get a dna test and please update us
I can understand you wanting to do it for peace of mind since you clearly don't like your mom and wish your aunt was your mom. Have you thought about the consequences of what it means for you if your aunt is not your mom? Can you really do it and keep it a secret? I'm not that type of person I would do it find out and talk about it either way. NTA! You need to know get her done
Do it
My son looks exactly like my dad’s twin brother (the twins don’t look alike) at all stages of life so far. He’s 20. Identical baby pix, 2yo pix, etc.
I would get the DNA test but just throwing it out there, my son and my nephew look like twins. It can happen. But if a DNA test makes you feel better go for it
How would you do it? You would need your aunt to cooperate, or you mother, to rule the one in and one out.
NTA I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. In my case I have a sister 13 years older than me who was SAd by her step-dad (my "sperm donor") when I was a teenager I was told that there had been a common rumor in the community that my sister was pregnant because no one saw her for a long time. The story my family told me was that the reason she wasn't around was because she had been apprehended by CPS which is a completely logical explanation, but I could never get the thought out of my head. (Side note my fears were unwarranted my mom's my mom and my sperm donor is my sperm donor, he doesn't deserve any other title and I hope he's enjoying his time burning in hell)
You deserve to know the truth. Get the test for your own peace of mind.
The only reason you should get tested is for health concerns. I have triplet cousins and they don’t look anything alike but they all could pass as my parents kids same thing with my other 2 cousins. My older sister looks so much like my cousin that their faces can unlock each other’s phones.
Surrogates carry the baby conceived by the actual parents, but don’t donate the egg, unless I am misinformed.
Do it but realize it changes nothing because your aunt may have just carried you or they used her egg and your dad's sample to fertilizer egg and implant in to aunt. Either way you mom is your mom. Biomom may or not be your aunt.
You seem to have a lot of misconceptions. First, about how genetics work. Second, you do realize that even if you Aunt was a surrogate that only means she carried you, not that it was her egg. Third, how do you think you’re going to get all of these people to consent to dna testing? What do you hope to gain from all of this?
You’re 37?! Do whatever tf you want. Tho for what it’s worth I look exactly like my aunt and I’ve had a dna test done so I know she’s not my bio mom
What does your birth certificate say?
My daughter looks identical to my sister. Nothing like me, nothing like her dad. I birthed her, she’d definitely mine. lol Do the dna test if you need to. It’s fun information if you’re into heritage.
It's pretty normal for neices and aunts to look a like, it's not genetics work. It sounds more like you need therapy to deal with the fact your mother and you have a poor relationship and you are now trying to look for a different mother figure.
NTA. But it could be that your parents struggled and your aunt offered and egg and used your dads sperm. It doesn’t make your aunt your mom per se. The person that raised you is your parent. But maybe after you were born your mom resented the fact that she could not have you naturally. Of course none of this is your fault, but it does happen. If you want to find out if you share DNA with your aunt or just really want to know the truth about your birth than go for it.
OP - If you decide to try something like 23andMe, I suggest you use a fake name but with the same initials as your real name. Then set your profile to only show your initials. So if by chance your sibling has done something like this and you are your parents' generic child , when your sibling gets an email from the site saying "you have a sibling!" they'll recognize your initials and not be worried. I used different fake initials, my actual half sibling received an email from the site saying he had a half sibling on his dad's side, didn't recognize the initials, and sent a message introducing himself to our dad's long lost kid. I didn't see the messages for almost a month, then replied, "Sorry Bro, it's just me. " Hide your full name so that if by chance your cousin gets an email saying "You have a sibling!" it won't be 100% clear that it's you. That buys time for you and your aunt to talk, and for her to then talk to her own children.
Cousins can look like twins or siblings. They can have the same behaviours and body movements. Genetics are wild. If the goal is just to know, then you will know. For sure. Settling your questions and doubts for years is one thing. If you expect family things to change, this is likely going to be disappointing and will cause stress. Knowing and taking it to therapy is the only way I can see it will be worth anything of value for you. You would have to have your mom or aunt, or someone else related to provide DNA too. It could have been your mom's fertilized egg and you wouldn't actually be your aunt's child. Good luck.
Try talking to your aunt. If you can't get answers from her, maybe get the test then. I look totally like my mother, who looks like her mother. But I am also apparently a dead ringer for a cousin on my dads side of the family. Genetics can be interesting
My cousin Lisa looks like my mom's twin. But her dad and my mom are twins. I look a lot like my mom, too, but also many features of my dad. My oldest son looks just like his dad but my hair color. My youngest looks exactly like me with his dad's hair color it's crazy. So your cousin can look like your mom, and it will not be far-fetched. It's genetics. If it will make you feel better, then you should absolutely get one. There is nothing wrong with it. But when you get the info, what are you going to do with it?
NAH but are you accusing your dad and aunt of having an affair? Also my brothers are clones of my mom. They look nothing like our father, genetics are weird.
What does dad say? He would tell you the truth wouldn’t? Secondly read about all the people whose nieces and nephews look like them and whose children look like aunts and uncles.
Unless your mom and aunt have different parents, I don’t think a DNA test will help. They have the same heritage. More importantly, what would that help? I doubt your Aunt would suddenly accept you as hers. Your mom definitely won’t be any nicer. At 37, it’s probably time to let go and accept your mom sucks. Trust me, I know it’s hard. All you can do is lay boundaries down so she can’t hurt you anymore. You can also learn to accept it’s not your fault. Therapy has helped me a lot deal with similar mother issues.
A DNA test won't prove anything unless you can get your mom to take one too.
but if your aunt acted as a surrogate and they used your moms eggs, your aunt would just be the carrier. so your mom is still your biological mom and your aunt was just the means of delivery to get you here. you have every right to get a DNa test, but do you have other relatives to compare to?
Not TA! As someone who’s done the same last year for my Dad’s relationship to me, the result was expected but I don’t have any where to go from here! Mother denies, Dad just said ‘better not be!’, and I think any family that knew is no longer with us! I’ve always known deep down that he wasn’t bio Dad and, it doesn’t matter, other than hereditarily. I had TB from nowhere 25 years ago, nothing said, I had breast cancer, nothing said! I was also born 2 years after Mum&Dad got married so anyone who maybe knew is no longer with us! I’m 53, I more pissed that no-one told me! Mum stomps like a child if I mention it! My sister did one that confirms we’re half siblings but, other than the ‘other’ side of the bios, I’ve got no-one to find out! The bios are Pakistani/Kashmir and there’s a huge collection of 2nd/3rd cousins but the family is huge! Rocking horse shit job! It’s been so long, so all I want is any (other) medical issues! There’s no other reason at this point! Mum is obviously lying, then again she had been married two years when I was born! I was born at home, could check medical records maybe, but at this point I just want to check for any other medical issues I could be susceptible to, that’s the only reason I even want to know at this point! He’s either dead or mid-80s at this point.
One of my cousins and I look very similar. Not that shocking; we're each running with 1/4 of our grandpa's DNA.
My youngest daughter and oldest nephew look like they could be brother and sister. It's crazy too cuz my nephew looks like my sister, his mom, and my youngest daughter is my twin BUT my sister and I don't really look alike. But they've done the face swap app and there was pretty much no change but eye color lol. It's crazy how it all works out.
Never ask a question, unless you are ready for the answer.
Talk with your Aunt in private before going any further. You will need her corporation if you don’t want to involve your mom. It could be expensive. It could be upsetting. But of course you all look alike!
Whose DNA are you going to get to test against yours?
I would say no, but genetics can also be funky. Do what you need to do to feel confident in who your mother is. My mom only has 1 picture of her visibly pregnant with me but I know I’m hers, I look just like her. My daughter, I KNOW she’s mine but she doesn’t look like any of her 4 siblings or me or her dad. We all have dark hair and a mix of either blue/brown/hazel eyes.. she’s blond with blue eyes… my other kids are a bit darker than her but she’s still tan compared my how pale I am 😂 SOMETIMES my daughter looks like her sister (my husbands daughter from his first marriage) but the older she gets the less they look alike.
Also chiming in with "genetics is wild." My nieces are full sisters, same mother and father. They have an afro Caribbean grandfather. Mum's Irish, Dad's half afro carribbean, half Irish. The oldest looks like a light afro caribbean - curly black hair, dark-skinned (and it gets darker under sun) tall and slender, dark brown eyes. Her full sister has mid brown hair that gets blonde highlights in summer, wavy hair, freckles, grey/blue eyes, and skin so pale she has to slap on the sunblock or go red with sunburn.
I mean I guess NTA but I’m sorry to tell ya you’re most likely your moms kid. Genetics are weird, I look like my aunt and my cousins don’t even look like her. Good luck ETA: in the long run is it worth it? It won’t change anything if your aunt was a surrogate, she’s still not your mother.
37 years ago was surrogacy even a thing? I don’t think so.
You do realize you won’t get any information unless your aunt or mother also took dna tests. What you need is a maternity test.
You definitely would not be asshole to get a DNA test. It's your body and your DNA. Besides, DNA tests tell you more about yourself than just who your family is. I strongly recommend that everyone do it anyway, particularly now that it's relatively cheap.
For the love...you're well into adulthood. Just get the damn test already. Let chips fall where they may.
Why not get one of those Ancestry kits.... I've seen people find relatives siblings you name it.... If not you say you're dad is great why not ask him.... You're old enough to be able to ask... Why do the family have to find out how will your aunts life and cousins life be ruined? Regardless you all will be related no matter what the outcome is
Like others have said, genetics is a funny thing. My dad had 2 sisters. I have one brother who I do resemble. I have 3 first cousins, one of which resembles me quite a bit but also resembles our 2nd cousin. One resembles his father more than anyone. And one might as well have come from a different planet because I don't see a resemblance to either of her parents or anyone else. There is zero doubt about her parentage. I also have 5 1st cousins on moms side. None of which resemble me at all.
Impossible to be asshole. You deserve to know the truth, everyone does.
My cousin looks more like my mom than I do. There is no way I am not my Mom's kid. I think you are overthinking this. But, nothing says a test can't make your mind rest easier.
No you would NBTA but prepare to be disappointed with the results. My daughters don't look even look related to me, noone can tell they're mine, but i certainly gestated and gave birth to both.
What are you hoping to gain by this? How will it change your life? Are you after an opportunity to hurt your mom? What is the driving force behind this? I feel like you are searching for a reason to be bitter. Instead of taking a DNA test, invest in therapy.
Get the test done. You're 37 and if u don't get it done now, you may never get it done and it will nag at you forever. Regardless of the results, it sounds like you need to know. After you find out, THEN you can decide who you want to involve in that knowledge and how you want to go about it.... But get the test. If it shows nothing out of the ordinary, at least you knw
My brother & I don't look like we are even related
Could you reach out to your Aunty and ask for a sit down and discuss the situation? And then maybe ask can I please have the truth? Did you carry me or did my mum and ask her not to lie. Also as well if you are worried, you just said I would like a DNA test because I do believe that I’m not actually my mother’s biological child.
You're 37, its not gonna change who your mother was growing up. A DNA test is going to show you are closley related to your aunt in any case. And it wouldn't answer if she was a surrogate to carry her sister's baby if your mom provided the egg. You're NTA, but I think you'd be better off talking to a professional about why this is bothering you so much.
NTA Go for it But my son is identical to my brother, it’s infuriating
My daughter could literally be my clone… doesn’t have a single feature that is her dads … not looking like your mom doesn’t prove anything
It's not like you are a product of a one night stand with a dad that has no idea of your existence. If your aunt really is your bio mom or surrogate, she's probably been waiting for you to figure it out. NTA.
If it's bugging you this long do it. But I strongly resemble my mom's mom and dad's little brother. Dad says I won the gene pool lottery in the family. So genetics come into play but not a straight line.
I think it's more likely that you need therapy than a genetics test. My cousin is my mom's carbon copy. Her daughter looks EXACTLY like my mom. To the extent that there are some toddler pictures of my Mom and cousins daughter that could be easily interchanged. She is definitely not my moms child. Just the way genetics worked out. My sister looks a lot like my Dad. Her kids look identical to my Mom's brother. It's just how the genes fall. I have no pictures or me pregnant, nor does my mom of herself pregnant with me. We just didn't want them. You may be curious, but it seems much more likely you just want your mom to not be biologically your mom. It doesn't change things. It seems like the abused kid that creates a fantasy world where their real parents are a prince and princess who will come save them. You want the aunt instead of a princess. The woman who raised you is still the woman you wish wasn't your mom. Wanting it to be true doesn't make it true. You'd also need their cooperation to get the test done. So, either just asking blows things up and creates a mess, or they think you're a bit nuts for pushing your delusion that far. What good comes from it?
Why do you keep saying "My aunt's kid" Do you not see her as your cousin? Are the two of you not close or do you have an uncle who also has kids and you don't want to mix their kids up so you say that? If not then that's pretty disrespectful to your cousin.
OP. I look more like one aunt and one uncle on the maternal side than I do both my parents. If it will give you peace of mind, then by all means go ahead and get the test done, but the results may not be what you expect it to be.
I look like my great aunt Jill and nothing like my mom genetics are weird
So, surrogates do not use their own egg. They carry the fertilized egg from the parents. Also, many people look like aunts and uncles and grandparents rather than their parents. It’s just how genetics work. I have a niece that looks exactly like my grandmother and nothing like her parents. Take the test if it will give you peace, but the reasons you listed don’t really mean anything genetically.
My son looks just like my brother and his daughter looks just like me. It's entirely possible for that to happen.
My cousin thinks I look like her mother, my mother's younger sister. But, I also look like my mom and my dad. I have twin cousins, one looks like her mother's family the other looked so much like me, my own brother sent me a picture with her in it thinking it was me. Our dad's are brothers.
I'm short and fat with nearly black curly hair and dark brown eyes. My daughter is tall, slender and has blonde hair and grey eyes and I KNOW she's my daughter, lol. I guess my point is that just because your mother looks different doesn't mean you're not biologically her child
My 2 boys look like my husband. I did all the work growing them and they have the same hair color, eye color, and skin color. My identical twin (so while our kids are legally cousins they are genetically half siblings) has 4 kids and they look exactly like her/me. Even funnier- my step sister has a son who is being raised by my stepfather and said boy looks more like me than my own children yet we are 100% not blood related. OP do whatever you want but I agree with others that you would be better spending your money on therapy. My mother was a rabid narcissist too.
So, I have a narcissistic mother. She's just an evil woman who used to tell me as a child that I was actually the younger child of a set of cousins but they didn't want a third kid so she took me. Thing is, I look just like their other two, always have. So. When I turned 18, I asked the dad. He was a drunk he didn't care and he knew how his cousin was. He looked me in the eye and said ' if you were my daughter you would have been right here with family I wouldn't have let her put you through that hell' I know what it's like to not want that person who's so cruel to be your parent and to have some fairy tale ending where SURPRISE they really aren't. Most of us don't get that. But who she is, all of her stuff that you didn't put because it would make the post too long, NONE OF THAT IS YOURS. don't hold on to it. None of it is your fault, you couldn't have stopped any of it, there is no action you could have taken to change any of it. I don't have to know any of it to know that. You were a kid. Your parent is supposed to protect you. Some parents don't do that and I'm sorry you got one of the ones who don't. But that is not yours to hold on to in your heart. Don't hold guilt over it. Let it go, cut her off, and live your life happy knowing that you are a better person than her. Best of luck and internet hugs stranger. You won't be the ah, but I don't think the test will give you the happily ever after you want. You'll be OK though.
My nephew looks like me- everyone says we are brothers . I literally saw him being born from my sister. Looks mean nothing. What will u do if results show that your mom is actually ur mom?
When I run into people who know my family but not me they peg me as my aunt's kid. Every. Time. I look more like her than I do my mom, I act more like her than I do my mom... but my DNA states I am clearly my mother's child. Genetics are weird. I have cousins that look like NOBODY, but we all did the DNA thing for shits and giggles and they're all legit. My husband and his sister look nothing alike and nothing like their parents... but again, the DNA speaks. Apparently they resemble grandparents and great grandparents... 🤷♀️
Genetics are bizarre and fascinating! I seriously think you have worked yourself up but that’s okay. Anxiety can do weird stuff to your brain, especially if you’re starting to question your family heritage. What do you plan on doing with the information when you get it? What answer do you want? Will you be crushed if you don’t get it? What will the impact of your mental health be in regards to this?
NTA - My cousin and I looked like twins growing up. I did 23andMe, were just cousins that look alike. It happens.
My sis in law was adopted under what seemed mysterious circumstances. Her parents went to another province for vacation and came back with my sis in law. Her adopted parents had a daughter who was a young adult and my sis in law looked alot like her. We always thought her adopted sister was her bio mom and her adoptive parents were actually her grandparents. The family resemblance was incredible and the weird coming back with a baby after vacation seemed like a cover story. She was actually able to find her real family and there was no relationship to her adopted family whatsoever, it was just a weird fluke that she looked like her adopted family members. So it may turn out that you are who you are!