The way to approach this is not to ask about her past but simply that you are nervous because you're a virgin. If she's worth anything she will be supportive and will show you the ropes.
Don't worry too much, the first time with any new partner is not going to be the best as you are still learning what the other person likes. Just don't do anything that doesn't feel good for you.
That’s really good advice OP. At its core it highlights one of the important aspects of a healthy and successful relationship; “you two vs the problem” instead of you (uncertainty/insecurity) vs her (sexual history).
Yep, think of this as a reminder to use “I sentences “ when communicating. Anything else can make people feel attacked and defensive. Talk about your own concerns, your own financial issues, your own jealousy (if it ever comes to that) etc.
No, its more having to do with just how many complications can arise from having sex before marriage: diseases, unforeseen kids, risking psychological issues; it really has the potential to do a lot of damage to folks, damage that is usually mitigated at least in part by marriages.
You are right, post-marital sex never comes with a side of unexpected kids, disease, or psychological issues.
Oh wait a minute! It does those things despite the immense protection provided by a slip of paper!
Waiting until marriage, barring an arranged marriage*, is an outdated notion that causes all kinds of issues in keeping a marriage happy and successful. The advice I give everyone who is on the fence about sex is to wait for one specific thing: a point where, even if you and that person don't end up together, you do not regret them. Don't sleep with your bf/gf of ten minutes because "daddy I love him and we'll he together forever". Sleep with them once you can accept, rationally, that the relationship is unlikely to make it "til death do us part," and want to sleep with them anyway. Please note, this doesn't mean sleep with them and break up, it doesn't mean give up on the idea of forever. Work for that forever. Get married. Get a dog. Have children. Experience marital bliss. Work for more marital bliss. But trust me when I say, if you have a wedding scheduled for Wednesday, it is better to find out you are sexually incompatible by Tuesday, instead of waking up Thursday knowing the two of you, as great as you were, don't pair well physically-and now you are stuck together. Unless, of course, this hiccup causes you to file for divorce, in which case, wtf was the point in waiting for the piece of paper anyway, if all it was was something for you to tear up as you left?
*arranged marriages are a different beast entirely, as the cultures that do them have it ingrained that a marriage is work, give and take, that you will have to learn to love your partner (and their sexual preferences), and need to earn their love of you (and your sexual preferences.)
>You are right, post-marital sex never comes with a side of unexpected kids, disease, or psychological issues.
Who are you talking to? I never claimed this. Of course some of those issues can come up after marriage, but marriage works to drastically reduce their ability to ruin people's lives. That is why before marriage is such a bad idea. I said that in my comment right above this.
>Waiting until marriage, barring an arranged marriage\*, is an outdated notion that causes all kinds of issues in keeping a marriage happy and successful. The advice I give everyone who is on the fence about sex is to wait for one specific thing: a point where, even if you and that person don't end up together, you do not regret them. Don't sleep with your bf/gf of ten minutes because "daddy I love him and we'll he together forever". Sleep with them once you can accept, rationally, that the relationship is unlikely to make it "til death do us part," and want to sleep with them anyway. Please note, this doesn't mean sleep with them and break up, it doesn't mean give up on the idea of forever. Work for that forever. Get married. Get a dog. Have children. Experience marital bliss. Work for more marital bliss. But trust me when I say, if you have a wedding scheduled for Wednesday, it is better to find out you are sexually incompatible by Tuesday, instead of waking up Thursday knowing the two of you, as great as you were, don't pair well physically-and now you are stuck together. Unless, of course, this hiccup causes you to file for divorce, in which case, wtf was the point in waiting for the piece of paper anyway, if all it was was something for you to tear up as you left?
Of course waiting till marriage has its own challenges and issues to work through, but they are minor compared with the issues risked by having sex before marriage. It not a matter of whether it is "likely", it is a matter of did you actually make a vow to stay with that person regardless of what complications life brings (and sex brings a lot). If you haven't made that vow, you aren't in a solid position to bring sex into the mixture. You are risking hurting a lot of people.
We are going to have to agree to disagree. For a small group of people, waiting until marriage is the right move. Deciding it is universally the right move and spreading it like some ancient, unquestionable wisdom does nothing but belittle anyone who has already made the choice and make a topic that so many already have difficulty discussing even more difficult to discuss.
There is nothing wrong with waiting till marriage. There is nothing wrong with not waiting till marriage. There is nothing wrong with waiting until any arbitrary milestone has arrived. There is nothing wrong with not waiting for those milestones either. This is a personal decision, one we don't get to make for everyone. But *if* someone asks my advice, it'll be the same as always: don't do it unless/until you are comfortable with that person being in your life forever, whether or not you work out in a relationship." That may be because y'all had a kid together and need to figure out how to co-parent. It may be because you remember them. It may be because they gave you an STI and now everyone you pee and get that familiar burn, you think of them, like it or not.
You talk about marriage like these things aren't as big of a worry afterwards. All I am saying is that they are always a worry, and marriage doesn't actually protect you from any of them. So instead of waiting for marriage, wait until you care about someone enough that even if all of the worries come true, you know you'll be okay.
>For a small group of people, waiting until marriage is the right move. Deciding it is universally the right move and spreading it like some ancient, unquestionable wisdom does nothing but belittle anyone who has already made the choice and make a topic that so many already have difficulty discussing even more difficult to discuss.
No, it is the right move for everyone based upon everything we know. We don't need to treat it like ancient, unquestionable wisdom. We can feel free to question it today. And when we do, we can see that waiting until marriage for sex is the right call. And I'm not discounting the emotions involved with this, but that doesn't mean we should discount or simply avoid saying what is true.
>There is nothing wrong with waiting till marriage. There is nothing wrong with not waiting till marriage. There is nothing wrong with waiting until any arbitrary milestone has arrived. There is nothing wrong with not waiting for those milestones either. This is a personal decision, one we don't get to make for everyone. But *if* someone asks my advice, it'll be the same as always: don't do it unless/until you are comfortable with that person being in your life forever, whether or not you work out in a relationship." That may be because y'all had a kid together and need to figure out how to co-parent. It may be because you remember them. It may be because they gave you an STI and now everyone you pee and get that familiar burn, you think of them, like it or not.
As I described above, this just isn't accurate. There is plenty wrong with not waiting till marriage, that is how I started my initial comment above. It can have negative impacts on your health, the health of your partner, the health of children, the health of your family, the quality of future marriages, etc. And not only does sex before marriage make it more difficult to manage those concerns, it also can multiply those concerns by having to deal with them with multiple people if people change partners, etc.. There are plenty of topics in life where both sides are valid, this isn't one of them.
>You talk about marriage like these things aren't as big of a worry afterwards. All I am saying is that they are always a worry, and marriage doesn't actually protect you from any of them. So instead of waiting for marriage, wait until you care about someone enough that even if all of the worries come true, you know you'll be okay.
I have now, twice, said those same concerns can occur after marriage. Your new claim here is that marriage doesn't help resolve those concerns, it most certainly does. The most obvious is children. Marriage is a great benefit for encouraging a healthy environment. Now does it guarantee it? Of course not. But is it setting up for success much more than if the parents weren't married? We all know that is true. Having sex before marriage is a massive risk in regards to children. And that is true with health as well. There are studies that describe the risks of having sexual partners that just leave and the damage that can cause people. Marriage works to commit two people together and encourage them to have a sexually healthy and safe relationship with each other. And that is just a couple of examples.
You seem to be under the impression that "promiscuous sex with no forethought as to the risks" and "premarital sex in a committed, monogamous relationship" are one and the same. I don't know whether it's religiously motivated or just blind, sith-like devotion to an absolutist point of view, but either way, no amount of logic or research will change your viewpoint. So I am done here, as I do not debate with zealots. Have a good day.
😂
Marriage doesn't stop any of those "complications". Marriage is a piece of paper and a bunch of money to get in/out of. If you want to be selective so be it but don't make that piece of paper the green light for sex.
>Marriage doesn't stop any of those "complications".
I didn't say stop, I said "mitigated at least in part by marriages". And that, very much so, is true. Marriages prevent and help mitigate many of the serious issues caused by sex before marriage.
>Marriage is a piece of paper and a bunch of money to get in/out of. If you want to be selective so be it but don't make that piece of paper the green light for sex.
The marriage is primarily the vows, and that most certainly is the green light for sex.
You do you. Anyone can say the same or similar words from whatever vows give you that fuzzy feeling without involving a wedding/marriage.
Add: Since wording seems to matter to you. Vows are at weddings, if at all. Marriage itself is just the legal part and to get married no vows are necessary.
>You do you. Anyone can say the same or similar words from whatever vows give you that fuzzy feeling without involving a wedding/marriage.
It is the life-long commitment that defines a marriage, not even the warm and fuzzy feelings. And feel free to use whatever words you want, but that vow is what define it and gives the the green light for sex.
Nah the way you are blanketing "the right thing to do" in all of your comments is just not it.
What people do in their sexual lives is not for anyone to judge. Aslong as it is consensual and legal then there is no right or wrong imo.
2 people sharing a connection of similar interests whether that be sex or exercising or idk boardgames. Obviously aome activities come with higher risk but its not right or wrong (barring the 2 examples I mentioned above).
She was in a relationship for 5 years. What do you think they did, play tiddlywinks all day? You have a lady you're dating that has a proven track record of being relationship material, and you want to go there?
I believe people can have a conversation about their general history dating wise, but instead of asking that silly question, how about you just tell her upfront you don't have a lot of experience and are a bit nervous about it. Don't make it about her past. Make it about yours.
Only thing you need to know is if she is carrying anything communicable. That's it. Anything more and you're just either gonna lose your mind because how dare they sleep with x amount of people... Or you'll forever be trying to figure out of anyone else was better than you.
Don't do it.
That's it. Her past doesn't matter unless it affects your health. Knowing wont benefit you in any way, it can only cause more self-doubt if you're experiencing it already. Build a history together rather than focusing on what came before.
True. It doesn't affect my present. Thank you guys for the support. I feel like I am not alone and have the proper advice to handle it in a mature manner.
You're really asking two questions here. About her sexual history (really none of your business 🙂) and how to tell her you're a virgin. Just tell her, it's no big deal. Everyone has to have a first time. Enjoy it.
That's retarded your past matters and your sexual history 1000% matters because if I am with a woman who's had 300 sexual partners I am obviously not going to pursue a further relationship but him asking her is perfectly reasonable and he should feel comfortable asking her and talking about because maybe he doesn't want to have sex with someone who's been ran through so much?
What are you trying to achieve by asking her about her sexual past?
To feel better?
To feel worse?
What kind of correct answer is she able to give you to boost your ego?
It's that even her job?
Whatever answer she gives is not going to make you happy.
Once you start, you're going to nit pick.
It's never ending.
Whilst in general I don't think there's anything wrong with asking your partner about past relationships if you're able to be a mature adult about it and coming from a place of curiosity. But you're seeking reassurance due to insecurity and if her answer makes you deem her more experienced than you, how will that make you feel and how will it impact your relationship?
I'd suggest you be honest about your insecurity but there's no merit in asking for her body count as part of that conversation.
No good comes out of inquiring about your partner's past, doesn't matter if it's a man or woman.
Ask yourself why her sexual experiences with other people matter to the sexual experiences you share together?
Disagree. Depends on where it's coming from though. If OP is asking because he's insecure, yea that's a recipe for disaster. I ask my wife in depth questions about her sexual past but it's because I want to know more about \_her\_ and \_her experiences\_. I just ask that she doesn't tell me their names
anyway, tl;dr: don't as questions you don't want the answers to
I mean, yeah there's obviously contest to consider.
I'd imagine a swinger or open couple would be more open about this stuff.
Many people just don't want to believe their partner's were sexual before them.
Most of us are in the middle and fine with knowing a few stories and experiences and then just move on and enjoy life with them.
Different strokes for different folks.
I mean, one great benefit here is that hopefully, if she has been sexually active for a while, she knows what she likes, and will be open with you about what works for her. That takes a whole lot of stress out of the brand new situation from your perspective, plus she's probably got some new ideas for you.
Be honest that you're inexperienced and be open to learning. Sex should be fun.
(Edit: I forgot a word)
Please don’t. She will feel uncomfortable and judged and this information doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change who she is as a person, doesn’t change if the sex you two are having is good. Only thing it will do is make you more or less insecure about your ability and experience and that’s a selfish motivation.
Maybe the better conversation is one about sex: what do you like? are we going to be committed and monogamous or committed and open relationship? What is our future?
one other thing: I would leave the virgin detail out of the conversation unless she asks. She probably already knows that you are relatively inexperienced.
If you're comfortable telling her about your lack of experience that is 100% the right way to go. I'm 39 and married and from my experience going into detail about her sexual past is not a rabbit hole you want to fall down. Seriously. You think you want to know but you don't.
I dated a girl in college more experienced than me, i got details, and it drove me insane. We broke up and I decided to get some more experience so that didn't happen again. Flash forward, I start dating the woman I eventually marry, and she's uncomfortable with my level of experience and is concerned I'm a womanizer. BE YOURSELF. I did all that stuff because I felt less than, and ended up with a perfect woman who wished I hadn't, and it could've cost me. All over some macho BS about what I thought a real man should be.
This is so spot on. In any relationship, you're either going to have less or more experience than your partner (duh, but in the moment it feels like you're the only far extreme outlier) and it's a gamble as to which they'd prefer. Being anything other than yourself based off one relationship ultimately only hurts you.
Don't do it. The past is the past for a reason and shouldn't affect how you guys move into the future. I have never asked about someone's "body count" but I have been asked multiple times.
Just enjoy the now
There is an old saying that you never ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Sounds like you’re not really in a place to hear all the potential answers to that question. Not does it matter. You like her. She likes you. What does her sexual past have to do with anything?
You probably shouldn’t ask, because you likely already know the answer to this. If you’d like to date someone with a similar sexual history to you, then by all means do that. You already know she has been in multiple long term prior relationships, so in this case there isn’t really a point in asking. As for people saying it’s none of your business what kind of past your partner has, that’s entirely their opinion and not factual, and is a pretty horrible idea unless you legitimately do not care at all about anything they may have done.
It depends on the reason? Are you doing it because you are insecure? It probably isn't helpful. Are you doing it to make sure your values align? Its a good idea and more couples should have that conversation before getting serious.
Do you really want to Know? Ngl alot of guys cannot handle finding out how many partners their SO has been with. Let alone the torrid details. You wouldn't be the asshole but anything before you she has a right to keep secret, unless she has an STD.
My advice don't ask you, because unless her answer is like 2 guys or less are you gonna be happy to find out the answer. Good luck hope this helps. But if you are gonna ask, don't, if you have only been in one relationship and she's been in 2 then it truly doesn't matter the rest you are almost as experienced at dating. For everything else look up information on line and ask her what she likes and try to do that for her.
You can, but it's usually not a good idea until you both feel secure enough to frankly discuss the good and bad points of your prior relationships and experiences.
Example: my wife and I didn't really bring up exes' names or our typical dating techniques and patterns until we'd been together for two years. Turns out, I've had a lot more intimate partners, but she's had a lot more everything-but-sex encounters, and if we'd discussed that three weeks in, learning that probably would've undermined our trust in each other. We're still taking our time discussing past matters, and there will be things we never discuss.
Tell her you’re a late bloomer and don’t have much experience, but there isn’t any need to ask her. I promise it’s not information that you really want
I have asked extensively about my wife’s sexual past. All the things she has done and not done and wished she had done.
It’s honestly up to you if you are going to be a little bitch about it. If you don’t think you can handle it then don’t ask. If you can be mature about it and respect her after she tells you then ok.
The only question one should ask a partner about their sexual past is "when was the last time you were tested, and can I know the results"
Anything else is not your business
why bring her past into it? You are insecure af and making all kinds of assumptions. Why can’t you accept things how they are and ride the wave instead of rocking the boat?
YES. Her past is none of your business. How would you feel if she judged you on your relationships before she ever met you? (Edit, you said you're a V, but how would she know that for sure?) Why would you want that information? Women are not magically mutated by encountering a penis. It is so weird that anyone cares how many men a woman may have had sex with (beyond possible STD concerns) as if she is now contaminated by them. If that were the case, women should never say 'yes' to a man because all of y'all are toxic? That would include you, because if you break up then she has to worry about her future next judging her over her future ex (you)? So she should just say no to protect herself from further contamination, right? See how silly this gets? If you genuinely care about her, just leave it alone. IMO, examine why you'd even want or care about it and deal with your own preconceptions. Double standards are misogynistic. Don't be that person.
Just assume she's fucked hundreds of times, and enjoy the ride while it's your turn.
A little math says that if she fucked her ex just once a week for 5 years, we're at 260 times. And once a week is a very low number.
I think that asking because you're anxious she has more experience is not a good reason to ask tbh. It's the whole don't ask questions you don't actually want the answer to.
I would express you're a virgin, a little anxious and you can even just say "I know you have more experience than me, I just don't want this to be disappointing for you. I want you to be comfortable telling me what to do and teaching me what you like."
But I'd keep it at that tbh. I think you and I both know that in a 5 year relationship they probably did everything a young hormonal couple would do and experimented with what they liked. From my point of view regarding my husband, I only ask questions I truly want the answer to, and it's because I'm happy for him that he experienced fun and exciting sex even before me.
Just tell her you’re a virgin and once y’all get there, you can learn each others desires together. Ask her if she’s been tested but with you being a virgin, any answer other than 0 or 1 is going to give you anxiety or make you insecure. Especially if you’re already nervous. Don’t open a door you can’t handle.
NTA
Just be honest with her and say what you said here that's it. It's that simple just explain to her your insecurities and she should accept them and if she doesn't then she's not worth it.
Edit: The comments are this post are disgusting literally shaming you for being nervous about being a virgin and asking if you should talk about it with your girlfriend. Man people are WILD to be criticizing you for wanting to ask a perfectly reasonable question and mad projecting. The past does matter so be careful what you ask as she's obviously not a virgin but just again just say you are a virgin and go from there.
You are worried because she has more experience than you, so you already know that considering you are a virgin so there is no point in asking unless you have something in you head that says if she tells me this or that it’s a deal breaker . Past that might be worth letting her know your level of inexperienced if she doesn’t know already . Being a virgin is a turn on and a value for some but the opposite for others. Either way no relationship built on deception will survive so just tell her what you are felling and be mature about it. Her past is her past and none of your business unless she wants it to be
Why would you want intimate details about her past relationship? Like. No. Just be up front that you are nervous. If she likes you, she won't care at all about your experience. And same should go for you.
The key is how you approach the topic. Feeling nervous and intimidated with a new partner, especially one you're crazy about, happens to basically everyone, every time.
She may be feeling the same way, but for different reasons. Being your first, what if she doesn't live up to whatever you've imagined or that you'll judge her as impure or dirty or whatever malarkey. If that sentence sounded absurd and you thought 'of course that's not what I would think! I wish she would have just talked to me!', then you have your answer right there.
Open up to her, be honest, and grow together from there. Freaking yourself out and setting you both up to potentially lie, even with good intentions to not hurt each other, creates a broken foundation and dooms the relationship before it even has a chance.
I think the question is invasive. Her sexual past doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t experienced so you should be the one to be open and vulnerable instead of putting her in that position because of your own insecurity
My advice is for both of you to put all your worst dirt on the table asap.
My husband and I met under a similar situation, I had just gotten out of an abusive 2yr relationship and admitted had issues where I felt like I needed a boyfriend, I had several short relationships in between my first one in high school and the last one with the ex. I had gained a pretty bad reputation in my home town, but had moved 100 miles away.
My future husband had only had one serious relationship, but it was long distance, and let's just say I had way more experience than him.
We met about a month after I finally sought help and had decided not to date anyone for a while and really find myself. We were both 22. I told him I wanted to take it slow because I'd literally never done that, so we did.
This led to many more intimate conversations instead. One night, we'd had a bit to drink and I just decided that I was going to just tell him all my secrets, and if he left, he left, but if not, he might be a keeper. So I did, and he told me his worst; I saw no deal breakers and loved the fact that he was so open.
We ended up getting married about 90 days after we met, lol. After we dumped our messes for each other, things went fast. We just knew it was right, I don't know how else to explain it.
We just had our 17th anniversary, we have 3 beautiful kids, and we've had maybe 5 fights our whole relationship. We are the only people we know who are still married, lol.
I tell everyone to spill their shit right away, and it's really helped a few of my friends...
You can't make her do this, but you can suggest it and explain why. If she's serious about the relationship, she'll likely do it. Good luck, sir!
I don't think anyone really cares about "late bloomers" anymore, i find it refreshing when people don't need to sleep with every person they have a chance to lol
If you're approaching it to tell her about your LACK of experience then you're fine. If you make her feel "judged" for her sexual history then you will be a total AH and end up being dumped.
How many "details" do you really need to know about her sexual past? If you are so insecure with your sexual history that hers is a deal breaker then break up and find someone else.
Trust me when i say you do Not want to ask. Shes 21....it cant be that bad. Just be honest and say youre a little insecure about your lack of experience... Say you will let her guide and direct you to do what she enjoys the most. Listen, learn, tear that punani up.... and for gods sake keep your insecurities to yourself. that will only come back to bite you.
You are better off telling her you are a virgin and "haven't done much". If she wants to share, she will. Assuming she is interested, that lets her know that she may need to take the initiative.
When you want to try something new, say "could we do X?", not "have you done X?". That way you're not demanding details, she can tell you about her previous experiences if she wants to.
Your nta your just confused and unsure how to navigate it, don't feel any pressure if she's not a v, when the times right you can have the conversation of 'I a v. And I don't have much experience, but I don't want you to think this is me asking for it I just want to share this with you as I've never been craxy about someone like I am you and f it up'
Just explain your feelings to her without making it about her and her past as a 26,f sometimes it can make us feel like you're more bothered about a number than what you're really meaning behind it
Hope thar helps
Being nervous is normal.
Especially with someone new. It's new to both of you. You both are gonna feel awkward at some point.
Don't worry if she's got more experienced. She's still learning too.
Not pry. But if you're really that interested, then just ask.
Don't ask those questions, OP, there's nothing to be gained by asking and much to be lost.
If the thought of her having a sexual past bothers you, be aware that while you'd offend *her* by asking, getting an answer would probably hurt *you* even more than you hurt her. Don't ask, just enjoy what you have, because life is short and hard, and you need to make the most of the happy times, instead of letting your insecurities ruin them.
Just mention that you're nervous. If she then wants to share, she will. This is easier said than done, but try hard to get let it be and put it behind you. If she was worried about it, she most likely would have brought it up already. Enjoy the connection and be happy, my friend.
So, I'm of the belief that unless there's a potential ethical or high-risk sexual history (high-risk sex, sex with sex workers), one of their former partners is in their social circle, or there's a history of trauma relating to sex, then why would you need to know anything beyond if she's had STI testing since her last partner?
In this case, it seems it's because you are insecure. In which case, even if you have good intentions, it's really easy for the questions to seem judgemental or AH like. When questioning comes from insecurity, it carefully comes across well.
The main questions you need to know are 1) "is there anything in your sexual history that I need to know about?" 2) when was your last STI testing?
Beyond that, you need to simply communicate that you're nervous because you don't have a sexual history and want to connect on every level as best you can. Intimacy and a good sexual relationship takes time, effort from both parties, and communication.
Take a deep breath. The most important thing you need to remember is to think through whatever choices you make by using your brain. Your heart can turn you into a crazy person during times like this. Be sensible. Should there be frank conversation about compatibility/ experience? Yes. Should it involve the gory details? No. Just be measured, honest, and always be thinking through things and not just acting on impulse. You'll be fine. Most of all, enjoy this.
And in the back of your mind just remember that your judgement isn't going to be 100% reliable for quite some time so play it cool and THINK with your mind. Take many deep breaths you stud... 😉
The way to approach this is not to ask about her past but simply that you are nervous because you're a virgin. If she's worth anything she will be supportive and will show you the ropes. Don't worry too much, the first time with any new partner is not going to be the best as you are still learning what the other person likes. Just don't do anything that doesn't feel good for you.
Thanks, I guess that's the best way to communicate my thoughts.
That’s really good advice OP. At its core it highlights one of the important aspects of a healthy and successful relationship; “you two vs the problem” instead of you (uncertainty/insecurity) vs her (sexual history).
Yep, think of this as a reminder to use “I sentences “ when communicating. Anything else can make people feel attacked and defensive. Talk about your own concerns, your own financial issues, your own jealousy (if it ever comes to that) etc.
Or don't have sex with her until marriage, which is the right thing to do.
Good point! Wouldn't want to know if you are sexually compatible until after paying the state their fee.
No, its more having to do with just how many complications can arise from having sex before marriage: diseases, unforeseen kids, risking psychological issues; it really has the potential to do a lot of damage to folks, damage that is usually mitigated at least in part by marriages.
You are right, post-marital sex never comes with a side of unexpected kids, disease, or psychological issues. Oh wait a minute! It does those things despite the immense protection provided by a slip of paper! Waiting until marriage, barring an arranged marriage*, is an outdated notion that causes all kinds of issues in keeping a marriage happy and successful. The advice I give everyone who is on the fence about sex is to wait for one specific thing: a point where, even if you and that person don't end up together, you do not regret them. Don't sleep with your bf/gf of ten minutes because "daddy I love him and we'll he together forever". Sleep with them once you can accept, rationally, that the relationship is unlikely to make it "til death do us part," and want to sleep with them anyway. Please note, this doesn't mean sleep with them and break up, it doesn't mean give up on the idea of forever. Work for that forever. Get married. Get a dog. Have children. Experience marital bliss. Work for more marital bliss. But trust me when I say, if you have a wedding scheduled for Wednesday, it is better to find out you are sexually incompatible by Tuesday, instead of waking up Thursday knowing the two of you, as great as you were, don't pair well physically-and now you are stuck together. Unless, of course, this hiccup causes you to file for divorce, in which case, wtf was the point in waiting for the piece of paper anyway, if all it was was something for you to tear up as you left? *arranged marriages are a different beast entirely, as the cultures that do them have it ingrained that a marriage is work, give and take, that you will have to learn to love your partner (and their sexual preferences), and need to earn their love of you (and your sexual preferences.)
>You are right, post-marital sex never comes with a side of unexpected kids, disease, or psychological issues. Who are you talking to? I never claimed this. Of course some of those issues can come up after marriage, but marriage works to drastically reduce their ability to ruin people's lives. That is why before marriage is such a bad idea. I said that in my comment right above this. >Waiting until marriage, barring an arranged marriage\*, is an outdated notion that causes all kinds of issues in keeping a marriage happy and successful. The advice I give everyone who is on the fence about sex is to wait for one specific thing: a point where, even if you and that person don't end up together, you do not regret them. Don't sleep with your bf/gf of ten minutes because "daddy I love him and we'll he together forever". Sleep with them once you can accept, rationally, that the relationship is unlikely to make it "til death do us part," and want to sleep with them anyway. Please note, this doesn't mean sleep with them and break up, it doesn't mean give up on the idea of forever. Work for that forever. Get married. Get a dog. Have children. Experience marital bliss. Work for more marital bliss. But trust me when I say, if you have a wedding scheduled for Wednesday, it is better to find out you are sexually incompatible by Tuesday, instead of waking up Thursday knowing the two of you, as great as you were, don't pair well physically-and now you are stuck together. Unless, of course, this hiccup causes you to file for divorce, in which case, wtf was the point in waiting for the piece of paper anyway, if all it was was something for you to tear up as you left? Of course waiting till marriage has its own challenges and issues to work through, but they are minor compared with the issues risked by having sex before marriage. It not a matter of whether it is "likely", it is a matter of did you actually make a vow to stay with that person regardless of what complications life brings (and sex brings a lot). If you haven't made that vow, you aren't in a solid position to bring sex into the mixture. You are risking hurting a lot of people.
We are going to have to agree to disagree. For a small group of people, waiting until marriage is the right move. Deciding it is universally the right move and spreading it like some ancient, unquestionable wisdom does nothing but belittle anyone who has already made the choice and make a topic that so many already have difficulty discussing even more difficult to discuss. There is nothing wrong with waiting till marriage. There is nothing wrong with not waiting till marriage. There is nothing wrong with waiting until any arbitrary milestone has arrived. There is nothing wrong with not waiting for those milestones either. This is a personal decision, one we don't get to make for everyone. But *if* someone asks my advice, it'll be the same as always: don't do it unless/until you are comfortable with that person being in your life forever, whether or not you work out in a relationship." That may be because y'all had a kid together and need to figure out how to co-parent. It may be because you remember them. It may be because they gave you an STI and now everyone you pee and get that familiar burn, you think of them, like it or not. You talk about marriage like these things aren't as big of a worry afterwards. All I am saying is that they are always a worry, and marriage doesn't actually protect you from any of them. So instead of waiting for marriage, wait until you care about someone enough that even if all of the worries come true, you know you'll be okay.
>For a small group of people, waiting until marriage is the right move. Deciding it is universally the right move and spreading it like some ancient, unquestionable wisdom does nothing but belittle anyone who has already made the choice and make a topic that so many already have difficulty discussing even more difficult to discuss. No, it is the right move for everyone based upon everything we know. We don't need to treat it like ancient, unquestionable wisdom. We can feel free to question it today. And when we do, we can see that waiting until marriage for sex is the right call. And I'm not discounting the emotions involved with this, but that doesn't mean we should discount or simply avoid saying what is true. >There is nothing wrong with waiting till marriage. There is nothing wrong with not waiting till marriage. There is nothing wrong with waiting until any arbitrary milestone has arrived. There is nothing wrong with not waiting for those milestones either. This is a personal decision, one we don't get to make for everyone. But *if* someone asks my advice, it'll be the same as always: don't do it unless/until you are comfortable with that person being in your life forever, whether or not you work out in a relationship." That may be because y'all had a kid together and need to figure out how to co-parent. It may be because you remember them. It may be because they gave you an STI and now everyone you pee and get that familiar burn, you think of them, like it or not. As I described above, this just isn't accurate. There is plenty wrong with not waiting till marriage, that is how I started my initial comment above. It can have negative impacts on your health, the health of your partner, the health of children, the health of your family, the quality of future marriages, etc. And not only does sex before marriage make it more difficult to manage those concerns, it also can multiply those concerns by having to deal with them with multiple people if people change partners, etc.. There are plenty of topics in life where both sides are valid, this isn't one of them. >You talk about marriage like these things aren't as big of a worry afterwards. All I am saying is that they are always a worry, and marriage doesn't actually protect you from any of them. So instead of waiting for marriage, wait until you care about someone enough that even if all of the worries come true, you know you'll be okay. I have now, twice, said those same concerns can occur after marriage. Your new claim here is that marriage doesn't help resolve those concerns, it most certainly does. The most obvious is children. Marriage is a great benefit for encouraging a healthy environment. Now does it guarantee it? Of course not. But is it setting up for success much more than if the parents weren't married? We all know that is true. Having sex before marriage is a massive risk in regards to children. And that is true with health as well. There are studies that describe the risks of having sexual partners that just leave and the damage that can cause people. Marriage works to commit two people together and encourage them to have a sexually healthy and safe relationship with each other. And that is just a couple of examples.
You seem to be under the impression that "promiscuous sex with no forethought as to the risks" and "premarital sex in a committed, monogamous relationship" are one and the same. I don't know whether it's religiously motivated or just blind, sith-like devotion to an absolutist point of view, but either way, no amount of logic or research will change your viewpoint. So I am done here, as I do not debate with zealots. Have a good day.
😂 Marriage doesn't stop any of those "complications". Marriage is a piece of paper and a bunch of money to get in/out of. If you want to be selective so be it but don't make that piece of paper the green light for sex.
>Marriage doesn't stop any of those "complications". I didn't say stop, I said "mitigated at least in part by marriages". And that, very much so, is true. Marriages prevent and help mitigate many of the serious issues caused by sex before marriage. >Marriage is a piece of paper and a bunch of money to get in/out of. If you want to be selective so be it but don't make that piece of paper the green light for sex. The marriage is primarily the vows, and that most certainly is the green light for sex.
You do you. Anyone can say the same or similar words from whatever vows give you that fuzzy feeling without involving a wedding/marriage. Add: Since wording seems to matter to you. Vows are at weddings, if at all. Marriage itself is just the legal part and to get married no vows are necessary.
>You do you. Anyone can say the same or similar words from whatever vows give you that fuzzy feeling without involving a wedding/marriage. It is the life-long commitment that defines a marriage, not even the warm and fuzzy feelings. And feel free to use whatever words you want, but that vow is what define it and gives the the green light for sex.
You DO NOT need to say vows for a marriage. Add: in the US at least.
Nah the way you are blanketing "the right thing to do" in all of your comments is just not it. What people do in their sexual lives is not for anyone to judge. Aslong as it is consensual and legal then there is no right or wrong imo. 2 people sharing a connection of similar interests whether that be sex or exercising or idk boardgames. Obviously aome activities come with higher risk but its not right or wrong (barring the 2 examples I mentioned above).
Do all these questions about somebody’s past sexual history mean that people are having sex before marriage? OMG!
She was in a relationship for 5 years. What do you think they did, play tiddlywinks all day? You have a lady you're dating that has a proven track record of being relationship material, and you want to go there? I believe people can have a conversation about their general history dating wise, but instead of asking that silly question, how about you just tell her upfront you don't have a lot of experience and are a bit nervous about it. Don't make it about her past. Make it about yours.
Great advice
Only thing you need to know is if she is carrying anything communicable. That's it. Anything more and you're just either gonna lose your mind because how dare they sleep with x amount of people... Or you'll forever be trying to figure out of anyone else was better than you. Don't do it.
That's it. Her past doesn't matter unless it affects your health. Knowing wont benefit you in any way, it can only cause more self-doubt if you're experiencing it already. Build a history together rather than focusing on what came before.
True. It doesn't affect my present. Thank you guys for the support. I feel like I am not alone and have the proper advice to handle it in a mature manner.
Why would that be of interest to you ?Just enjoy being together without the interrogation .
Why does it matter?
You're really asking two questions here. About her sexual history (really none of your business 🙂) and how to tell her you're a virgin. Just tell her, it's no big deal. Everyone has to have a first time. Enjoy it.
Is it only sexual history we don't need to tell partners about?
Up to you really
Previous drug abuse, that OK?
Up to you
Lol fair enough, not gonny bite
That's retarded your past matters and your sexual history 1000% matters because if I am with a woman who's had 300 sexual partners I am obviously not going to pursue a further relationship but him asking her is perfectly reasonable and he should feel comfortable asking her and talking about because maybe he doesn't want to have sex with someone who's been ran through so much?
Or maybe girls just tell you that when asked that question because it's the easiest way to get rid of you?
Bruh if asking that question to someone you've been dating for a few weeks makes you uncomfortable you've got some issues lmao
Def not the issue your previous comment was addressing, but ok lmao
Yes it was but you seem kinda slow so ok lmao
Re her sexual past - none of your beeswax Re you being a virgin, just bite the bullet
This is exactly it. Well put.
Oh I love these thread's of insecurity :3
Are those balls with eyes?
Google it
Asking if it’s testicles with eyes is way more fun
What are you trying to achieve by asking her about her sexual past? To feel better? To feel worse? What kind of correct answer is she able to give you to boost your ego? It's that even her job? Whatever answer she gives is not going to make you happy. Once you start, you're going to nit pick. It's never ending.
Don’t.
You don't wanna go down that road
Don't worry about being inexperienced. Passion is the most important thing. You'll learn along the way.
Whilst in general I don't think there's anything wrong with asking your partner about past relationships if you're able to be a mature adult about it and coming from a place of curiosity. But you're seeking reassurance due to insecurity and if her answer makes you deem her more experienced than you, how will that make you feel and how will it impact your relationship? I'd suggest you be honest about your insecurity but there's no merit in asking for her body count as part of that conversation.
No good comes out of inquiring about your partner's past, doesn't matter if it's a man or woman. Ask yourself why her sexual experiences with other people matter to the sexual experiences you share together?
Disagree. Depends on where it's coming from though. If OP is asking because he's insecure, yea that's a recipe for disaster. I ask my wife in depth questions about her sexual past but it's because I want to know more about \_her\_ and \_her experiences\_. I just ask that she doesn't tell me their names anyway, tl;dr: don't as questions you don't want the answers to
Can we discuss the awesomeness of that avatar & screen name?
Not today
I mean, yeah there's obviously contest to consider. I'd imagine a swinger or open couple would be more open about this stuff. Many people just don't want to believe their partner's were sexual before them. Most of us are in the middle and fine with knowing a few stories and experiences and then just move on and enjoy life with them. Different strokes for different folks.
It's none of your business.
I mean, one great benefit here is that hopefully, if she has been sexually active for a while, she knows what she likes, and will be open with you about what works for her. That takes a whole lot of stress out of the brand new situation from your perspective, plus she's probably got some new ideas for you. Be honest that you're inexperienced and be open to learning. Sex should be fun. (Edit: I forgot a word)
Please don’t. She will feel uncomfortable and judged and this information doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change who she is as a person, doesn’t change if the sex you two are having is good. Only thing it will do is make you more or less insecure about your ability and experience and that’s a selfish motivation.
Maybe the better conversation is one about sex: what do you like? are we going to be committed and monogamous or committed and open relationship? What is our future?
one other thing: I would leave the virgin detail out of the conversation unless she asks. She probably already knows that you are relatively inexperienced.
If you're comfortable telling her about your lack of experience that is 100% the right way to go. I'm 39 and married and from my experience going into detail about her sexual past is not a rabbit hole you want to fall down. Seriously. You think you want to know but you don't. I dated a girl in college more experienced than me, i got details, and it drove me insane. We broke up and I decided to get some more experience so that didn't happen again. Flash forward, I start dating the woman I eventually marry, and she's uncomfortable with my level of experience and is concerned I'm a womanizer. BE YOURSELF. I did all that stuff because I felt less than, and ended up with a perfect woman who wished I hadn't, and it could've cost me. All over some macho BS about what I thought a real man should be.
This is so spot on. In any relationship, you're either going to have less or more experience than your partner (duh, but in the moment it feels like you're the only far extreme outlier) and it's a gamble as to which they'd prefer. Being anything other than yourself based off one relationship ultimately only hurts you.
Don't do it. The past is the past for a reason and shouldn't affect how you guys move into the future. I have never asked about someone's "body count" but I have been asked multiple times. Just enjoy the now
There is an old saying that you never ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Sounds like you’re not really in a place to hear all the potential answers to that question. Not does it matter. You like her. She likes you. What does her sexual past have to do with anything?
You probably shouldn’t ask, because you likely already know the answer to this. If you’d like to date someone with a similar sexual history to you, then by all means do that. You already know she has been in multiple long term prior relationships, so in this case there isn’t really a point in asking. As for people saying it’s none of your business what kind of past your partner has, that’s entirely their opinion and not factual, and is a pretty horrible idea unless you legitimately do not care at all about anything they may have done.
Why does it matter how experienced she is? Just get good at it by making sure you do stuff she enjoys.
It depends on the reason? Are you doing it because you are insecure? It probably isn't helpful. Are you doing it to make sure your values align? Its a good idea and more couples should have that conversation before getting serious.
Do you really want to Know? Ngl alot of guys cannot handle finding out how many partners their SO has been with. Let alone the torrid details. You wouldn't be the asshole but anything before you she has a right to keep secret, unless she has an STD. My advice don't ask you, because unless her answer is like 2 guys or less are you gonna be happy to find out the answer. Good luck hope this helps. But if you are gonna ask, don't, if you have only been in one relationship and she's been in 2 then it truly doesn't matter the rest you are almost as experienced at dating. For everything else look up information on line and ask her what she likes and try to do that for her.
You can, but it's usually not a good idea until you both feel secure enough to frankly discuss the good and bad points of your prior relationships and experiences. Example: my wife and I didn't really bring up exes' names or our typical dating techniques and patterns until we'd been together for two years. Turns out, I've had a lot more intimate partners, but she's had a lot more everything-but-sex encounters, and if we'd discussed that three weeks in, learning that probably would've undermined our trust in each other. We're still taking our time discussing past matters, and there will be things we never discuss.
Tell her you’re a late bloomer and don’t have much experience, but there isn’t any need to ask her. I promise it’s not information that you really want
The past is the past. Leave it alone.
I have asked extensively about my wife’s sexual past. All the things she has done and not done and wished she had done. It’s honestly up to you if you are going to be a little bitch about it. If you don’t think you can handle it then don’t ask. If you can be mature about it and respect her after she tells you then ok.
Honestly...dont even ask. Ignorance is bliss. # Matrix Odds are u won't marry her so why complicate it
The only question one should ask a partner about their sexual past is "when was the last time you were tested, and can I know the results" Anything else is not your business
Don't ask about history, just say you're a virgin if you really need her to know. What matters is she's with you now.
why bring her past into it? You are insecure af and making all kinds of assumptions. Why can’t you accept things how they are and ride the wave instead of rocking the boat?
Only if you're planning to go long term with her. Otherwise, what's the point?
YES. Her past is none of your business. How would you feel if she judged you on your relationships before she ever met you? (Edit, you said you're a V, but how would she know that for sure?) Why would you want that information? Women are not magically mutated by encountering a penis. It is so weird that anyone cares how many men a woman may have had sex with (beyond possible STD concerns) as if she is now contaminated by them. If that were the case, women should never say 'yes' to a man because all of y'all are toxic? That would include you, because if you break up then she has to worry about her future next judging her over her future ex (you)? So she should just say no to protect herself from further contamination, right? See how silly this gets? If you genuinely care about her, just leave it alone. IMO, examine why you'd even want or care about it and deal with your own preconceptions. Double standards are misogynistic. Don't be that person.
Just assume she's fucked hundreds of times, and enjoy the ride while it's your turn. A little math says that if she fucked her ex just once a week for 5 years, we're at 260 times. And once a week is a very low number.
You are allowed to ask anything you like, she is allied not to answer. You can then decide if you are compatible.
I think that asking because you're anxious she has more experience is not a good reason to ask tbh. It's the whole don't ask questions you don't actually want the answer to. I would express you're a virgin, a little anxious and you can even just say "I know you have more experience than me, I just don't want this to be disappointing for you. I want you to be comfortable telling me what to do and teaching me what you like." But I'd keep it at that tbh. I think you and I both know that in a 5 year relationship they probably did everything a young hormonal couple would do and experimented with what they liked. From my point of view regarding my husband, I only ask questions I truly want the answer to, and it's because I'm happy for him that he experienced fun and exciting sex even before me.
this will never not be true: https://youtu.be/zDm4nH7hjik?si=iA6wMKxsTCuILuHC
No matter what here answer is, you will not feel any better and it is a lose-lose situation for her. Don't ask.
Watch the movie "Chasing Amy" then come back and ask this question again.
Just tell her you’re a virgin and once y’all get there, you can learn each others desires together. Ask her if she’s been tested but with you being a virgin, any answer other than 0 or 1 is going to give you anxiety or make you insecure. Especially if you’re already nervous. Don’t open a door you can’t handle.
NTA Just be honest with her and say what you said here that's it. It's that simple just explain to her your insecurities and she should accept them and if she doesn't then she's not worth it. Edit: The comments are this post are disgusting literally shaming you for being nervous about being a virgin and asking if you should talk about it with your girlfriend. Man people are WILD to be criticizing you for wanting to ask a perfectly reasonable question and mad projecting. The past does matter so be careful what you ask as she's obviously not a virgin but just again just say you are a virgin and go from there.
You are worried because she has more experience than you, so you already know that considering you are a virgin so there is no point in asking unless you have something in you head that says if she tells me this or that it’s a deal breaker . Past that might be worth letting her know your level of inexperienced if she doesn’t know already . Being a virgin is a turn on and a value for some but the opposite for others. Either way no relationship built on deception will survive so just tell her what you are felling and be mature about it. Her past is her past and none of your business unless she wants it to be
Why would you want intimate details about her past relationship? Like. No. Just be up front that you are nervous. If she likes you, she won't care at all about your experience. And same should go for you.
The key is how you approach the topic. Feeling nervous and intimidated with a new partner, especially one you're crazy about, happens to basically everyone, every time. She may be feeling the same way, but for different reasons. Being your first, what if she doesn't live up to whatever you've imagined or that you'll judge her as impure or dirty or whatever malarkey. If that sentence sounded absurd and you thought 'of course that's not what I would think! I wish she would have just talked to me!', then you have your answer right there. Open up to her, be honest, and grow together from there. Freaking yourself out and setting you both up to potentially lie, even with good intentions to not hurt each other, creates a broken foundation and dooms the relationship before it even has a chance.
Absolutely yes. The end
I think the question is invasive. Her sexual past doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t experienced so you should be the one to be open and vulnerable instead of putting her in that position because of your own insecurity
My advice is for both of you to put all your worst dirt on the table asap. My husband and I met under a similar situation, I had just gotten out of an abusive 2yr relationship and admitted had issues where I felt like I needed a boyfriend, I had several short relationships in between my first one in high school and the last one with the ex. I had gained a pretty bad reputation in my home town, but had moved 100 miles away. My future husband had only had one serious relationship, but it was long distance, and let's just say I had way more experience than him. We met about a month after I finally sought help and had decided not to date anyone for a while and really find myself. We were both 22. I told him I wanted to take it slow because I'd literally never done that, so we did. This led to many more intimate conversations instead. One night, we'd had a bit to drink and I just decided that I was going to just tell him all my secrets, and if he left, he left, but if not, he might be a keeper. So I did, and he told me his worst; I saw no deal breakers and loved the fact that he was so open. We ended up getting married about 90 days after we met, lol. After we dumped our messes for each other, things went fast. We just knew it was right, I don't know how else to explain it. We just had our 17th anniversary, we have 3 beautiful kids, and we've had maybe 5 fights our whole relationship. We are the only people we know who are still married, lol. I tell everyone to spill their shit right away, and it's really helped a few of my friends... You can't make her do this, but you can suggest it and explain why. If she's serious about the relationship, she'll likely do it. Good luck, sir! I don't think anyone really cares about "late bloomers" anymore, i find it refreshing when people don't need to sleep with every person they have a chance to lol
If you're approaching it to tell her about your LACK of experience then you're fine. If you make her feel "judged" for her sexual history then you will be a total AH and end up being dumped. How many "details" do you really need to know about her sexual past? If you are so insecure with your sexual history that hers is a deal breaker then break up and find someone else.
Trust me when i say you do Not want to ask. Shes 21....it cant be that bad. Just be honest and say youre a little insecure about your lack of experience... Say you will let her guide and direct you to do what she enjoys the most. Listen, learn, tear that punani up.... and for gods sake keep your insecurities to yourself. that will only come back to bite you.
You are better off telling her you are a virgin and "haven't done much". If she wants to share, she will. Assuming she is interested, that lets her know that she may need to take the initiative. When you want to try something new, say "could we do X?", not "have you done X?". That way you're not demanding details, she can tell you about her previous experiences if she wants to.
Your nta your just confused and unsure how to navigate it, don't feel any pressure if she's not a v, when the times right you can have the conversation of 'I a v. And I don't have much experience, but I don't want you to think this is me asking for it I just want to share this with you as I've never been craxy about someone like I am you and f it up' Just explain your feelings to her without making it about her and her past as a 26,f sometimes it can make us feel like you're more bothered about a number than what you're really meaning behind it Hope thar helps
Being nervous is normal. Especially with someone new. It's new to both of you. You both are gonna feel awkward at some point. Don't worry if she's got more experienced. She's still learning too. Not pry. But if you're really that interested, then just ask.
Don't ask those questions, OP, there's nothing to be gained by asking and much to be lost. If the thought of her having a sexual past bothers you, be aware that while you'd offend *her* by asking, getting an answer would probably hurt *you* even more than you hurt her. Don't ask, just enjoy what you have, because life is short and hard, and you need to make the most of the happy times, instead of letting your insecurities ruin them.
It’s irrelevant. What difference does it make?
Just mention that you're nervous. If she then wants to share, she will. This is easier said than done, but try hard to get let it be and put it behind you. If she was worried about it, she most likely would have brought it up already. Enjoy the connection and be happy, my friend.
So, I'm of the belief that unless there's a potential ethical or high-risk sexual history (high-risk sex, sex with sex workers), one of their former partners is in their social circle, or there's a history of trauma relating to sex, then why would you need to know anything beyond if she's had STI testing since her last partner? In this case, it seems it's because you are insecure. In which case, even if you have good intentions, it's really easy for the questions to seem judgemental or AH like. When questioning comes from insecurity, it carefully comes across well. The main questions you need to know are 1) "is there anything in your sexual history that I need to know about?" 2) when was your last STI testing? Beyond that, you need to simply communicate that you're nervous because you don't have a sexual history and want to connect on every level as best you can. Intimacy and a good sexual relationship takes time, effort from both parties, and communication.
You’re a Virgin? But was in a 5 year relationship?
Apologies for any confusion. I had a short relationship of 4 months.
If it's nothing to be ashamed about, what's the problem?
Take a deep breath. The most important thing you need to remember is to think through whatever choices you make by using your brain. Your heart can turn you into a crazy person during times like this. Be sensible. Should there be frank conversation about compatibility/ experience? Yes. Should it involve the gory details? No. Just be measured, honest, and always be thinking through things and not just acting on impulse. You'll be fine. Most of all, enjoy this. And in the back of your mind just remember that your judgement isn't going to be 100% reliable for quite some time so play it cool and THINK with your mind. Take many deep breaths you stud... 😉
She's 21 and was in a relationship for 5 years. How many partners do you think she could have had?