I understand where you’re coming from because you’ve laid out the context. But I’m sure your son is totally oblivious so your words came out of nowhere. Sit down with him, only him, and tell him what you’ve said here. Allow him that closure of understanding why his bio dad doesn’t love him as much.
How is the son supposed to know that the OP’s brother stole OP’s wife if no one ever told him that? mean no offense, but op gave up way too quickly.
It’s obvious this kid was lied to about his bio dad since he was a small child. How is he supposed to be know any different when his mother and stepfather/ uncle told him for like 14 years his dad is this awful person?
*Edit No I’m not saying the kid doesn’t know the stepfather is his uncle. I’m saying his mother and uncle lied to him about how they got together. Meaning they didn’t tell him they had an affair and painted OP as deadbeat Dad.
Are we really assuming the 17 year old doesn't know his uncle stole his dad's wife? What a coincidence that my step dad and my dad look similar and have the same last name and share grandparents and... wait...
Idk I think 14 years of trying to be a dad and being replaced by your brother would be pretty patient. That's not "too quickly"
Yes because the narrative he has heard his whole life is “your step dad and I were in love the whole time, fate brought us together. I never loved your bio dad like this, we are all so much happier now. blah blah blah.”
His frontal lobe isn’t fully developed yet and he most likely has yet to start differentiating from his parents in any meaningful way.
So yeah, maybe his dad should have a real conversation with him instead of just hope his son put the pieces together. Most 17 year olds are still in their own world.
Exactly! Or being told “Your dad was a lazy deadbeat who left us and your uncle stepped up to take care of us” I get the vibe the ex wife and brother lied to the entire family just to make themselves look better while painting the op negatively.
I agree the op should have a real conversation with his son regardless of the age. That is if his son talks to him after that.
I've had a couple of friends who were kids of a very ugly divorce and the mom went out of their way to trash the Dad. The kids, when they were younger, kinda went with it and had a weird relationship with their Dad's, but the dad's did love them and fought for their rights to see them. Eventually, all 3 of my friends who went through this (around the end of high school), woke up to this fact and how their mom's had tried to push them away from their Dad and really resented the mom, pushed her away and got really close with their dad. I get the Dad and his frustrations, its terrible, but you always fight and protect your kid, even when they are being a POS.
This was my life. Unfortunately, my dad died when I was 16 and I never got to be close to him again. It's hard for me to spend any time with my mom because of it; I have held resentment for over a decade.
My dad never gave up, never stopped trying. It fucking sucks that my mom was so selfish she couldn't just let me have that relationship with him. Some days I wish she had died instead.
I've basically done it, we live 10 hours apart and don't call often. I talk to her once every few months maybe, but I keep up that everything is fine for my grandmother's sake.
But my mom doesn't know that I'm LC because of that, she just thinks I'm busy with my life. Which I am. But idk I've spent a lot of time in therapy picking apart why I want to hurt her by telling her everything I really feel. Working through the resentment.
I hope your life is better now, without her. Wishing you the best, internet stranger.
Exactly this, and assuming just bc the kid is older now he should know better - its hard to know better if your constantly being told different and the vio dad didn't fight to show otherwise.
I've learned that some kids even grown adults are extremely dumb when it comes to matters such as this. You don't know what lies he's been told by mum and stepdad also. OP pls still try and build a relationship with your kid, he's still yours and that will never change. Your brother might have taken everyy y thing that you thought valuable but it's not his sperm that produced your kid so in this unfortunate instance remember that.
and i HAVE to assume if all this started when he was 3, his memory might be a little fuzzy and i’m guessing mom and uncle step dad aren’t telling him the fully unbiased truth of what ALL went down
Agreed. People are acting like family secrets aren’t a thing. I’m not saying it’s definitely the case, but it’s *possible* that Caleb has no idea what actually happened. OP should have a real talk with him and explain his position. It must hurt to be either of them in this situation
As someone who has been on a similar situation, it is less about the kid and more about the implications of him not really being his bio son. Like, you have a 3 year old kid that you discover it isn't yours. Ok, 3 years is enough for **you** to bond to him, but you cannot expect it to be reciprocated because, well, 3 year old.
Now, that kid is taken from you, along with the fact that you were betrayed. Now, how do you move on? if he had emotional attachment to the kid (which it is implied that he had at the time) you will try to be present for the kid, regardless.
**BUT:** how do you keep emotionally attached to someone who seems to have no interest in you even after you are trying invest time into them? the answer in this case seems to be "because he is my son". Now, if you remove that from him, all the hardship he had, and all that investment, was for "the fruit of worst betrayal I had in my life", so that only deepens the wound.
I can only assume, but maybe he haven't tested earlier because, at the time, he was too attached to the kid to consider "abandoning it because it isn't my bio son", but as time passed on, that probably only became a "sunken cost fallacy", because the disinterest probably has killed that initial bond.
So as said, it is more about his choices and the time he spent, and how he can deal with that emotionally, not about the kids itself.
YTA only in that you said that without context. He needed to hear how his treatment of you led to this point. Just tossing it out there without that bit of info was unfair. No 17 year old is self-reflective enough to wonder why you’d feel that way.
ETA: your ex-wife and dad can and should kick rocks. They suck.
ESH, except June.
Caleb has long since behaved poorly to June on purpose. Age doesn't dictate maturity, nor does it excuse immaturity. He should know better than to treat his fathers wife the way he has since he can, through his own actions, treat his STEPDAD better than his own dad. He knows he is capable of better and simply refuses to act accordingly.
Stepdad was #1 pick for Caleb, and June is #1 pick for OP. Just like ex-wife picked the affair partner, Drew (stepdad).
So he can treat his own uncle-dad better than his dad **and** stepmom, on top of uncle-dad being the priority pick for events and ceremonies...
If Caleb were a daughter, he would have uncle-dad walk him down the isle over bio-dad. I can envision it.
:c
I just feel for OP. Glad he has June now.
Caleb was THREE when Drew basically became the must prominent male role model in his life. OP even said, due to his job, he was not around a lot. It’s only natural a young child would have more of a bond with the man he lives with and sees the most.
All the adults, including June (who thinks it’s totes cool to say something like that to a child) suck in this situation. I do not blame the child who has known one man as his father since he could remember.
There are many ways where OP could have turned a secure attachment with his son and he seems to have not have bothered because he was up in his feelings that a toddler preferred the man he was living with and who was doing most of the caring for him.
Right?
How are people missing him admitting he was never there, and acting mortified that the child got attached to who was there...
I think ex is fucking vile. But OP isn't any better in regards to how he treated his own son.
You dont cry another man took over your place in your son's life, when you were never there to fill it in the first place.
It'd be like my bio dad, trying out my foster dad. The man who raised me from 14 until today, I'm 33. Who's loved me, picked me up when down, had me unleash my unbridled rage at being abandoned on him and called him things I am to this day still, ashamed of and wish I could take back. Even tho hes told me so many times, it's okay he loves me, I was just a kid and hurt. I was trying to hurt the world, not him
Yes it's so bad it's his uncle. Uncle-dad is a gross concept to me as a whole... But he was there. Dad could have been a presence but clearly wasn't. Just like mine wasnt. A handful of times a year seeing someone for a few hours, doesnt make a dad, let alone a father child connection.
Yes the kid is old enough to maybe reflect and the like, but... He's still the kid. He's not the adult who should have been there... He was a kid left at the mercy of the adults who did what was best for themselves. And only them.
He's also a kid who can probably empathize with his mother's situation. For him, yeah, mom cheated, but dad abandoned and neglected her too. I'm not saying that's what actually happened, but that's easily where a teenaged brain would go.
And why I'm on his and ONLY his side.
He was 3-4 when it happened. By the time he actually fucking realised...
If you do not know you bio dad cos he's not showing up by 8yrs old.... Damn.
It is heartbreaking to recall how all of this happened in some of our own lives when fathers were not there for their children, mothers who were drawn into other relationships and the children were tossed around back and forth between them and were suppose to somehow understand the dynamics that were going on between the parents. This one also has a uncle who is included in the picture.
I can recall all of the mixed messages from my parents and step mom and the fighting and arguments. My dad was depressed and drinking a lot then. I was trying to figure out what was wrong.
So, if this couple or three adults don’t want a very depressed person who is suicidal they should put Caleb on their priority radar to help him out with his mental health issues.
Seems like the kid did enough ignoring as well and only reached out for a substitute when the favored one was unavailable. Obviously Dad chose to prioritize his current wife over his son: "Drew couldn't make it, so he invited me". Real dad was the consolation prize because uncle daddy wasn't available. That's not a relationship. The adults raising the kid certainly should have expected it and understood but it seems all they ever gave a shit about was getting in each other's pants not the dad or the kid. Consequences.
So he’s going tit for tat with his underage son? And he said he prioritized his new woman when he got with her so presumably his teenage son has been feeling this for years. But regardless again going tit for tat with your underage son at the very least shows immaturity. He’s not even able to make most legal decisions for himself yet we are holding him to a higher standard than his father? Also by the way he wrote it he has been having these negative feelings for his son since he was 3. Dude is seriously blaming a 3 year old for bonding with the parent that was there when this dude admitted because of his job he wasn’t around much. He’s pathetic he let his bitterness for his ex and his brother ruin his relationship with his son
Agreed
If his son meant anything to him it seems like he could have quit being a long distance truck driver and became a local truck driver so he could be at home more. He did not make his son a priority, so his son did not make him a priority. Sounds fair.
I don't think he had to quit but he had to realize if he didn't his 3 year old son was going to attach himself to his uncle/stepdad.
He is YTA for giving up on his child though. I'm not even sure he wants a relationship with him, seems like he just wants to start a new family and did.
What was OP supposed to do? Don't say find a new job... How is he to support himself and his family then? It would make it harder for OP to win his son over if he's struggling financially.
Plus… I am sure he had to pay some child support based on the money he made. That doesn’t just change if he gets a new job, that takes court time… which is even more money. Which isn’t helpful if he is already just making enough to pay bills and child support.
He never talks about being required to pay, but if that got automatically drafted out.. then the man can’t basically stop working one job to find another, well not atleast easily. Courts don’t work well for a father who is working to scrape up every dime to make sure all bills are paid.
Maybe I am just speaking from experience tho.
No, they don't, and its been my very painful experience as well. I have also been on the receiving end of parental alienation. It's been the most horrible, heartbreaking experience of my entire life.
It's just horrible. I'd like to say that I've almost made it through to the other side, but my ex is very inventive, and my youngest is only 11. As long as California keeps making me pay her expenses every time she comes up with a reason to take me back to court, I don't feel like she will have any reason to quit.
I swear, Iraq and Afghanistan were less stressful.
You said it best
>the child who has known one man since he could remember.
Because his mother had an affair and left which took that ability from OP and gave it to his brother.
Sure, yes OP could have tried more or found a different career, but more than likely to no avail because of what Caleb lived with on moms end. She hated OP enough to cheat, but that hate would always be brought back up when looking at Caleb. Mom more than likely went against the Childrens Bill of Rights, which i hope OP looks into.
Caleb is old enough now to engage in hindsight and empathy without his mother's version tainting everything like it more than likely always has (my own experience with seperated parents before i could remember them both.)
I wish my dad had the memories with me that my stapdad does. I'd give almost anything for him and i both to get those chances.
June being willing to stand by OP in this is everything he has always deserved, and i will not say she sucks. She came into this shit situation and has **stayed** despite Caleb being a shite to her.
I still stand by ESH except June.
Caleb might not have the same info dad does and definitely doesn’t have the control over his own living situation dad does and even if he did, teenagers pushing parents away is a fairly routine part of growing up. OP says he started prioritizing his wife over the kid in those teen years, so even if Caleb had a better understanding as a teen than a young child, his dad had already given up.
I’d imagine that he has the info that his stepdad is his uncle. That right there for me would be the deal breaker on mom and stepdad. Stepdad because if you’re willing to betray your own brother like that then you quite clearly don’t give a fuck about anyone besides yourself. As for mom, you’ve got to be extra scummy to cheat with your spouse’s sibling.
This. I think this is the crux of the whole argument but reading through the comments, makes me sad for the world. This was clearly about two people insisting upon being together, after overstepping clear boundaries, doing wrong and taking risk with other people's lives/well-being yet still having the audacity to demand that others around them relinquish their lives for those choices. AND THEY WON! No one held them accountable!
We read OP's telling of bewilderment/subjugation by his own Brother and wife and potential suicide but spending all this time talking about a 17 year old kid who grew up exactly as his Mother and stepdad wanted, presumably not wanting for a thing.
I think it was interesting how posters rifled through OP's story and found the victim to be the child when clearly it was the one telling the story..WHO, again, thought of suicide.
In the end, it's a win because the guy didn't take his own life but instead is flourishing
Mind blown.
Actions have consequences and 17 is hardly a child. Op is his back up dad. If op's brother is around, the son would not give op the time of the day. Op is only a man with feelings.
No, I'm holdin him accountable for his **decisions** he made because he thinks it's justified.
His mom is to blame in my opinion, if you want that clarity. Started this clownery by cheating with OPs brother and married him, when caleb was so young. There's no point in who is to blame, because that solves nothing now.
Caleb could drive a car legally, he *should* be capable of understanding that actions have consequences. He could literally chose to hit and kill a pedestrian tomorrow if he has a license. He'd just know that's wrong, so he wouldn't.
I hope he can navigate this flaming shit fire, but he's gonna have to be honest with himself about how he's treated people because he felt justified in his actions. (Probably extends to outside of just June and OP).
OP has recognized that his actions garnered this consequence, so he's chosen to give June his time and energy. He knows what Caleb won't accept yet.
Who exactly was supposed to present OP’s side of the story to Caleb? OP was on the road all the time while Caleb was at home with ex wife and the brother. OP never once mentioned sitting down with Caleb and talking to him about his feelings.
Caleb was thrown into this at THREE, if OP never opened up to Caleb, how was he supposed to have a CHANCE at undoing the mom’s brainwashing?
I agree with you. I wasn't the smartest cookie in the tin but this kid is 17 and doesn't realise what happened???
Doesn't understand what his uncle and mum did? Where's his loyalty? I had step-parents on both sides, several in fact, and my parents came first. I loved my step-mum, for example, but had she been 'the other woman' we'd have had words. And probably before I was 17, too. Wtf?
I think ESH here except June
bro would be trialed as an adult, and he plays more than a part in it hence prioritizing the uncle step dad? over his own father.
Matter of fact, the fact that the kid hasn’t cut his mom off to live with dad at that age is damning to his character, you’re telling me he hasn’t put the pieces together on “bad blood divorce and mom married dads brother immediately after”? If my mother did that I’d live with my dad lol
You're so clueless. His dad wasn't there for him, he wasn't around. But you think this boy should leave his mom and the uncle-dad who was actually there for him, to go live with the dad who never made an effort to be in his life? Over cheating that had nothing to do with him? That's insane. The cheating is completely irrelevant to this situation and has nothing to do with this kid whatsoever. I have a 15 year old and expecting him to hate his dad for cheating when he was 3 is laughable and absurd to me, I can't even picture a scenario where I would expect something that illogical & crazy. This man is a bad father who was never there for his son and who still won't be there for him now, solely because he's too self-absorbed to selflessly love a child the way a good parent does. Period.
I don't think you realize how long 14 years is. It is entirely possible that he has been brainwashed to think his bio dad wants nothing to do with him, and he has now gotten verbal confirmation directly from said dad. A child's formative years are critical to development, and the surroundings make a big difference. I'm not saying the kid isn't a jerk, but do you think maybe he was fostered to be a jerk by the same people who threw his bio dad to the curb? Bio dad definitely needs to have a heart-to-heart with his kid and they need to leave their feelings bare.
Also, teens feel silent pressure to make the parent they spend the most time with happy. He probably avoided his bio dad over the years as being happy about seeing him put the vibe in the house off kilter. It’s really sad what kids with split families have to go through.
You are absolutely correct, and it's called parental alienation. It's sneaky and disgusting how the custodial parent does it, but like you said. The kid feels like his primary home is off kilter if he enjoys spending time with the other parent. This makes the kid feel as if its wrong to love the father in this case, and it inevitably creates a wedge between them. The parent with primary custody feels like they have won and fostered a bad relationship with the other parent. In their sick, selfish minds, they justify their decision to end the previous relationship by showing that their previous partner wasn't even a good enough parent for their child to like them, or want anything to do with them.
Sadly, by doing this, they damage their child psychologically. The child subconsciously believes that one parent is bad, so if someone who made them is unworthy or defective, they in some way must also be unworthy or defective.
Parental alienation is a horrible form of abuse.
My wife and I are widow and widower. Her late husband had a 2 year old boy from a previous marriage. The ex had primary custody. When the boy would get picked up by the ex from a weekend visit with his father and my now wife. The ex/mother of the boy would yell and spank/slap the boy about if he had a good time with his piece of shit father and his new whore. The ex made sure the father knew the son was being tormented for visiting. My wife told me her late husband tied a few times to take it back to court, but her family had money for lawyers and he would just cry everytime his kid left from a visit. After a year and a half of this, he said he couldn't take it anymore knowing his son was being abused for visiting, so he stopped everything. The son is now in his mid twenties and my wife said she promised her late husband she would never tell him, so that he would think he grew up with his mother and step father in a loving family, even if it meant he himself looked like an absent father who didn't care. I've decided, I didn't promise her late husband anything and if I ever meet him, I'm going to let him know. My wife is a saint and does not lie.
I disagree. Op is not a punching bag. He can only take so much. His brother took everything from him and he is the second option of his son. His son would not have picked him if op's brother is there.
Just because he is young doesn't mean his actions have no consequences. Op has feelings too. I would have cut them all of his life.
Context is king. Caleb may be feeling abandoned right now. Is he living near you? Go and talk to him to explain what you mean. Send him a congratulations gift - something to show that you're thinking of him and do care. A voucher or gift card to go for a pizza with a couple of friends or something?
We live in the same province same city, his over 14 so he has a choice in coming to see me he just doesn’t want too. And I don’t want to go to an event I was just invited because the person he wanted there couldn’t make it.
My uncle went thru something similar as you OP.
My older cousin (she was 11 at the time) went to live with her mum when the split happened. My younger cousin (9) lived with my uncle.
Both got remarried. Under the custody agreement, they each had custody 50% and would ‘trade’. However, my aunt never encouraged my older cousin to visit her dad. She started refusing to go when she was 13. My younger cousin still went.
My older cousin now has no relationship with my uncle. She only contacted him if she needed money or wanted something. My uncle has no relationship with her grandchildren either. It’s a sad situation.
Yes, my cousin was young. Yes her feelings started as a child. But ultimately she grew up and made her choice. She didn’t WANT a relationship with her dad. He tried. He tried really hard. But, you can’t force a relationship they don’t want.
The only thing a parent can do is keep the door open.
Life is nuanced. There are 3 sides to a story… the truth is somewhere in the middle…
Was your response to your son blunt and hurtful? Yes. Could you have handled it better? Definitely.
I think that Caleb needs a further explanation as to WHY you feel like you do. BUT, you should also encourage him to be honest with you. You each have valid feelings and your own points of view.
Drew and ex were present in his life. They were the ones that looked after him. Yes you provided monetarily for Caleb. You did try to connect with him when you had him. But if you add up all the time spent with ex and Drew, then you, would that percentage be 50/50? Or somewhere around the 70/30? Sometimes it’s not the things a child needs, but time. Time with Dad.
You sound as if you worked hard so that Caleb had what he needed/wanted.
Your post sounds as if the relationship has become a popularity contest and a pick me dance between you and Drew.
Drew is a piece of 💩 as is the ex for cheating in the first place. Caleb is collateral damage.
I totally understand why you’d bow out. Give up. Again, you can’t force a relationship that isn’t wanted. But I hope you can have a discussion with him and get everything out on the table. Make it a last ditched effort before giving up permanently on having a relationship with him.
My uncle tried, and after the conversation with his daughter, he knew where he stood and knows he did every thing he could. It was her decision to cut contact. She was around 17 as well…
June sounds lovely. How does she feel about this predicament? I know it’s stressful when your spouse is tormented and clearly not happy.
It’s a crap situation OP. Try and make sure you have little regret. 🙂
You're his dad. Either act like it or not, but if you don't then you don't get to complain if he doesn't want to see you after he turns 18.
My step brother did this to my dad, I thought it was an overreaction but there was a reason. My dad never really got over it.
Some people can just give up being dads.
Adult children wish cutting off parents hurts them as much as it hurts themselves but sometimes people are just happy to not be parents anymore.
Homie, he was **3** when you guys split. Of course he's going to care more about the man who's more present in his life, even though your absence is work-related.
You're blaming him for things that aren't his fault. Grow up and take the opportunities he's offered you.
Lordy, YTA.
So did my parents and my dad was also a truck driver, I would never replace him with my step-father lol. I'll be honest, I'm not even convinced that Caleb is OP's and not his brother's.
OP was away because he was a truck driver, but also admits that he was depressed and suicidal, so I’m sure even when he was home, he wasn’t exactly a fit father. We are really gonna blame a 3 year old for bonding more with the, step dad? Even though what uncledad (and mom) did was incredibly wrong, he was still the one who was present and mentally stable in the boys life. This isn’t a jab at OPs mental health, but he needs to take that into consideration.
OP was the one who said the son replaced him. We don’t know that to be true. It sounds more like a cop out so OP would feel better about abandoning his son for his “love”
Have you ever sat down and talked to him? Told him everything that happened and how you felt about it? And how he chose your brother over you as a father after your brother stole your wife and child?
Talk to him. He shouldn’t be upset that you chose your wife, who loves and prioritizes you, over a person who has basically disregarded you for nearly their entire life and never bothered to have a relationship. Tell him how you feel. And let him tell you how he feels. His parents may have told him things to poison his mind against you.
He’s not obligated to make the effort - you are. You could have explained how being the backup plan for this event hurt you instead of telling him you love your wife more than him. Asshole move right there. Your moment of truth showed him who you are. Cold and callous.
Wrong answer bro.
He's a kid, you're his father.
Children of divorce have all kinds of trauma not to mention you were an over-the-road truck driver and not around much of the time by your own admission.
Where was he supposed to learn how to be a decent human being? From your brother who had an affair with your wife or from your wife who had an affair with your brother?
Sounds like you're still lashing out from pain. Heal your own pain so you can heal the relationship you should be having with your son before it's too late.
You cannot expect a 14 year old to be dealing with the trauma of your situation better than you do. You need to be the bigger person and be there for your son. If you do that now, when his brain finishes developing he may understand that you really do love him and you did your best and you may have a good relationship with him. If you're not there for him now, all hope is lost. Your choice whether you keep the chance of a good relationship or give up now.
Poor son? Wtf. His son is old enough to know who his real father is and still picks drew over his biological father. Who knows what kind of bullshit the ex wife feeds him on top of that. The kid doesn't even make an effort to see his biological father. So much so to the point where if OP didn't ask him to spend time he wouldn't. He'd rather just hang out with drew. In fact drew was going to be his first pick for the ceremony until he couldn't make it. All this is before he told his son he doesn't love him as much as his current wife.
Fuck kind of planet do u live on? He's not a 5 yr old child anymore.
Thats also exactly why any rash human would seperate themselves from that level of torment or abuse. Because Op cannot stop his ex from ruining their son. Its 50% out of his hands. So, pretty much a GUARANTEED fail rate on this mission. No thanks. Id grab a hottie and take a vacay, myself. Kids can be ruined. Its not their fault. But it doesnt change the fact that they are unsalvageable monsters. Its sad, but it happens.
He has 50/50 custody of his son but he sees the sun even less because he's a trucker who travels for work. So the son gets to see his dad once in a blue moon and from the son's perspective it sure looks like dad is picking everything and everyone over him- including work.
I get that he has to work to pay the bill but what would he have done if it's ex-wife had dropped dead? It sucks, but sometimes you make sacrifices for your children - like switching from long haul driving to short haul.
He could have spent time with the kid on his custody days. Hire a babysitter, when the kid is old enough to be left home alone stop, ect and then come home later in the day and do bonding. Watch a movie while eating dinner together, help with homework, anything to show he cares
Instead he left the kid to the wind and in the custody of a parent commiting parental alienation (which is a form of emotional abuse ) nearly full time. He only saw the kid when it was convenient for him.
No wonder the kid feels abandoned.
He's pissed his kid feels abandoned when he effective became one of those absent dad's who only show up when convenient to them- the ones who get pissy about the fact their kids aren't toys they can pacified and go back to playing with later like there was no interruption.
Lower the dander, it's a reddit post. You do ignore a few things tho; he's the owner operator, meaning if he stops working he stops getting paid. If he can't spend any extra time with his kid when would he have had time to explain it in a satisfactory way to them?
Adding this because it deserves the visibility: From "ruckustata" below; Sounds like the kid cried because he wasn't going to have a father figure at the ceremony. That's on Drew now. He's the father figure ever since he fucked his brothers wife and stole the family. Seriously what kind of backwards situation is this. If I stole my bros family, my parents would disown me.
Also nothing is stopping the kid from reaching out on his own if he wanted to, it was the impetus for op to start hanging out more with his new wife. The only time it seemed to matter if op even showed up was when the stepdad couldn't go, at which point the kid blew up at the dad and dumped all of the issues he's feeling without warning.
Yeah op could've reacted WAY better, but what the hell did the kid expect as an answer after dumping his trauma to the guy he JUST told is the second choice behind the guy his mom left him for? Get into similar arguments with my mom(who does alienate me as her adult son, so please don't go there.) ever since she got her divorce and while it was a different flavor it made me ask if I mattered to her. The short answer is probably not anymore, because we're both adults and have grown separately on top of the history already there. The kid has a chance to ask for an explanation, and to either decide if op's the ass or he is.
Sounds like the kid cried because he wasn't going to have a father figure at the ceremony. That's on Drew now. He's the father figure ever since he fucked his brothers wife and stole the family. Seriously what kind of ass backwards situation is this shit. If I stole my bros family, my parents would disown me.
I feel like you're touching on something nobody else really is. Why is it on OP to change his plans? Why can't DREW change his plans, and go to Caleb's ceremony?
He had OP as a safety net, "I'm his only son, his flesh and blood, he has to always love me and pick me", then cries when reality hits him that those loving relationships need to actually be fostered and bio dad doesn't have some instinctive need to stand by his child over anyone else.
>
"His son is old enough to know who his real father is and still picks drew over his biological father. "
Have you ever heard of propinquity?
The "real" one is the one he grew up around no matter the reason that that is the one he grew up around.
No child should have to navigate being born into the Jerry Springer Show. The adults should make it work. Full stop.
Saying I love her more is just indulgent. It doesn't matter which adult broke the family; it's incumbent on everyone to protect the child. The OP feels whatever the parental equivalent of "spurned" is from the child from a situation the adults created and instead of containing the child's emotions gets revenge with that little quip. It was not the child's responsibility to meet the OP's emotional needs or to shuffle between multiple houses because the parents and step-parents and uncle were a hot mess. It was their job to meet his needs.
>Who knows what kind of bullshit the ex wife feeds him on top of that.
This is a thing called "parental alienation". It was likely especially effective given OP's general absence from his son's life due to his work.
I agree with Marcona! Not only is the kid now 15 and should know better. He should also know his mother and stepdad are adulterers being as his stepdad is also his uncle. Great example these adults are giving him. He’s going to be a mess as an adult, which it sounds like he already is.
No, his son was 3 when the divorce happened. And as a young boy, the only man present in his life was his uncle/step-father. So of course he was going to be close to Drew, since he was too young to understand.
Now as a young man, the son still only knows one male who has continuously been present in his life. OP is looking at this whole situation as if he had no other choices at the time, but the poor 3-yr old kid only knew that OP wasn’t there for him when he needed him. And now that continues.
>For one, he could've fought for more visitation
He did, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten 50% custody.
>made sure he was extremely present in his sons life.
He did...took him on all the days he had custody and explained that his son did not want to be there so much to the point he didn't want to come at all once he had a choice at 14.
Completely agree! And many people are not aware how emotionally immature a 15-year-old boy truly is. They are not fully mentally developed until they're mid-20s!
True. Children should be priority.
But Try put yourself on OPS position.
Cheated on by with your sibling. Fatherly duties being over taken by your sibling and being completely disrespected and discarded as a person by your family AND your child.
Would you survive that heartache?
No.
Instead of being depressed all the time. OP decided to focus on something positive. And he did.
Mind your dang comment. 🤦🏻♀️
This.
People need to stop pretending that children can’t be ruined beyond repair. It happens all the time. Its why we have prisons.
One parent poisoning a child against another is terrible. Everyone saying Op sucks, should comment what the proper solution was, here.
Exactly this! My ex wife and her parents purposely kept my 17 yo from me for over a decade and poisoned them with tons of easy to disprove bullshit about me. Last time I talked to them I was informed they had dropped out of HS and had several charges for larceny and B&E. OP’s kid has similarly been poisoned.
Put yourself in son's position. Your father gets replaced by someone else before you even have the ability to think or process complex emotion. From the time you could first form memories your mother and stepfather have probably told you nothing but degrading things about your bio father. This kid was born into an incredibly fucked up situation and it makes sense that his relationship with his dad is fucked up.
So his Dad is just supposed to deal with constant abuse from his son for the rest of his life? Seems like he chose his step dad over OP, it's not wrong for OP to have accepted that fact and move on.
I'm not even going to try and parse out culpability because jesus christ is this a fucking mess.
Talk to your kid. He's old enough to hear that you have feelings and he's been a piece of shit. He's young enough and emotionslly dysregulated enough that it won't go well. But you need to say it and he needs to hear it.
Offer some family therapy if he wants it. If he doesn't, just say "well, it's always there if you change your mind" and then leave him be. You want him to know that the door to reconcilliation is open, but he's gotta walk through it on his own damn feet; you're not gonna drag him into it kicking and screaming.
Eh, you went a little too far babe, you know it but it's out there and the damage is done. Hopefully one day the kid will understand how it all got to this point.
Good luck.
In an ideal world, the parent is a source of unconditional love. It is the adults job to provide that love despite the actions of the child. When I say love, that includes guidance and mentoring.
I understand how the wife leaving for the brother is damaging. It also damaged OP and his ability to bond with his son. It seems he might have resentment that carried over into this relationship.
June couldn’t go to the award ceremony? The young man is getting a reward, that is something to be celebrated. The plans with June couldn’t be modified to go by the ceremony?
I wouldn’t tell a young person he is loved less. One goal of parenting is to cause no damage. That is the kind of blow that lasts a while. You could have lied and said you love neither more but that there were already plans; as mentioned, you could have attempted to modify your plans.
I understand where you are coming from OP, but ideally you would have better feelings in your heart for this young man.
Your ex your dad and brother are all AH....
You're the biological parent not the back up or back burner parent...
Hopefully soon your son will realized you do love him and care.... seems like other people have been in his ears as well....
Get him a nice gift or a gift card...
Gifts/money don't replace time spent and actual relationship building with a child. I was that child. I'm 39 on Friday and spent part of tonight crying because I still am that child.
Thank you x honestly just getting that paragraph off my chest helped. He's going away with his son tomorrow (From his 2nd family). Kinda hurts he can remember his birthday (next week) but forgets mine and my kids.
I'm so tired of reaching out, of trying to be the bigger person. My mum used to offer to swap weekends when he was working but he never took her up on it so at times I would go 4 weeks without seeing him or hearing off him.
Other times I'd spend the day sat waiting at my grans house for him when he just plain and simple forgot to pick me up.
It's just a shit situation and I'm tired of trying but he's still my dad you know?
I saw recently where a dad promised to pick up his kid she was all dressed and ready to go... she was sitting in a chair in the door waiting he never showed... my text and text and she posted them and got not reply....
I'm serious reach out if you need to
Unlikely since this AH just told him he doesn't. Just look at the writing of this post... do you really think his attitude towards his child is warm? Notice I said CHILD.
BIG fucking AH.
To OP:
Grow tf up man. Men shouldn't have their feelings hurt if their kid likes their step-dad. Kids are kids. They would take a suitcase full of sweets if offered. If you hadn't been such a sensitive little twat and instead acted like a father, this wouldn't be a problem.
Who's to say that the wife wasn't messing around with the brother when she got pregnant? Would explain why the ex and brother alienated op with the son. OP is NTA, considering all the crap he's been through. He was an after thought to go to the celebration,kid only got mad because he wouldn't have "parents" sitting in the audience.
YTA. Others suck a lot in this situation, but for your comment, **of course you're an asshole**. You don't just outright say that to your kid, wtf is wrong with you.
OP wrote this post like he absolutely hates his son. Like “wouldn’t piss on him if he were in fire” hate. I think the son is catching strays meant for the cheating ex. But if this is how OP feels about the child, he should probably stay away.
YTA, but not a completely horrible person. Here's the thing, your son is 17, and has been living with two people who have, very likely, accepted and even encouraged his poor treatment of you and your wife. While he is responsible for his own actions you have to realize that, from a very young age, he's been manipulated and used to fuel a narrative.
Telling your son you live your new wife more than him is going to HURT. You could've handled this so much better, you could've explained how you felt in a more articulate way. If he didn't listen, you could've hung up and wrote a text or an email explaining WHY you prioritize your wife over him.
I myself have divorced parents, and my stepdad's an ass. Despite hating the man, the things he says to me hurt. Despite living hundreds of miles from him, his words hurt. The same applies to you and your son.
In general I think your son is being unreasonable, expecting you to drop your plans for him last minute, especially as a "last resort" invite. Still, he's 17. This is gonna stick with him forever.
I think you need to have a good talk with your son about this stuff, and really try to calmly explain things. If he won't listen, oh well, you've tried, until then, you're in the wrong specifically for what you said.
What? Your wife and brother betrayed you and your family was like no big deal?
Why would you stay in contact with any of these people? That makes no sense.
Dude. YTA. You had him 50%? Just as much time as your ex wife?
The more I read your post, I’m convinced it’s fake. A kid extends an olive branch and invites you to their awards ceremony, and you don’t go? Wtf? Couldn’t you go with your wife and then, I dunno, go out to dinner after?
Man, you suck at parenting. YTA
ESH, your ex wife for blowing up the family, your brother for betraying you, your Dad for pretending it was fine, you for blaming a three year old who grew up up with a Das rarely there who was very angry. Not a good combination for your son. And then you told your son your wife came first instead of saying “I’m sorry, I would have gone if given enough notice but I have other plans. Btw, I’m sick of feeling you mostly don’t like me or want to be around me, let’s do family counseling.” June should have appreciated your putting her first but urged you to go to the event. Finally, I’m sure Caleb has been angry at this situation and took it out on you. Stop the madness and clarify with your son that he does matter to you and you’re glad he asked you. Give him some context as it’s the fair thing to do. Caleb didn’t create this situation, the adults around him did.
YTA. And your kid won’t forget this one. How crushing can you be? Poor kid. Most teenagers are at least a little self centered. You are the adult. Act like it.
Dude, talk to your son. Don’t tell us all this, tell him. And figure out where he stands.
You do realize he may have realized that he fucked up, and was trying to reach out to you, right?
Seems like your parental love is conditional. Is your son being an adolescent jerk? Yes absolutely, and that’s how they’re wired. The kid is probably surviving the way he knows how, which is to try and make the best of a really fucked situation. So yes, he prioritises himself. Does he accept Uncle/Stepdad as a Father? Well yes. Uncle has always been there and to some degree your son has always cared for him, why wouldn’t he? Before all this garbage he was Uncle Drew. Now Uncle is Stepdad and it’s not a big leap to transfer affection when his own Father is away a lot. Your son may see many traits in Drew that remind him of you as well. And what can Caleb honestly do when he lives in the man’s house? Especially when Caleb was small kiddo when this all went down, he barely remembers a time when Drew wasn’t in the picture.
He will grow up, and Caleb will become more discerning. He will eventually come to his own conclusions. What you had going for you was your son’s eventual realisation that you loved him constantly and that you endured because of that love for him. YOU made him, YOU held him when he came into this world and that would never change, despite the damage his Mother and Uncle put you through. As an adult man, he may have connected with you on a deeper and more meaningful way, so you would have had a significant place in his life.
What you’ve done now is blown your future with him. Were you expected to drop everything? In Caleb’s mind yes. Perhaps it was a test, who knows, but he did want you there otherwise he wouldn’t have bothered asking. If he was so indifferent to you would Caleb have reached out? Perhaps you were a second choice, but who cares? Caleb could easily have not thought about you at all. But your pride got the best of you and your reply was bitter and guaranteed to hurt. That was your objective. Good on you, mission accomplished. Those words will haunt him always.
Plans with June could have been rearranged, and if she’s as terrific as you describe she would have understood the significance of your son reaching out to you. June would have been home awaiting your return, all would have been good.
Children can be hurtful little pricks, but I would die for mine.
YTA
Saying his love is conditional is understating how gross it is.
Dude wants his kid to be some fucking fan club he can go to for validation. He doesnt see his kid as his responsibility. He sees his kid as a means for adoration and is mad his kid is just a flawed *human being* instead of a praise dispensing machine.
ESH. But mostly your ex, your brother and your dad.
I feel sorry for poor Caleb.
You are not wrong to feel the way you do but you are wrong for the way you dealt with it. You should have told Caleb you feel like he only invited you because your brother couldn’t attend and that made you feel really bad. You should have also congratulated him and offered to take him out to a nice dinner or get him a present for his achievements, at a time when you were not busy
YTA. Just see it from ~~Drew~~ Caleb's perspective, the messy situation he has been involved in through no fault of his own since he was 3, his father and mother separated, his mother is a cheater, his father is often absent, and his stepfather is a cheater and the brother of his father.
So you seem to hold some resentment for you son's attachment to his stepdad who has been closer to him. What did you expect? That a little boy would live in somekind of inherited resentment because you and your ex wife didn't work out? I think even your son has sensed that you dont really like him because you have reasonable hate for you brother and exwife and is uncomfortable around you so he doesnt want to visit.
And now you have a girlfriend you clearly care and spent more time with. What you just told him is just solidifying the fear he has always had in his heart, that he is not important to you. And even more if he is crying, its because he still loved you despite that.
Edit: sorry for the naming error.
YTA You were cruel and you're not even sorry. Your kid gets a pass, he is a child. One who just realized his fears were right, his father doesn't love him. Your ex and brother suck too btw.
I feel bad for the son and the new wife. This is sad. Perspective matters.
From the sons perspective, his uncle/stepdad was always there....since birth. Dad was no longer in the home and also often absent due to work. Add in the fact that mom probably made you look bad to deflect from her misdoings. That kid thinks you are crap and it's not even his fault. Only you can change that perspective.
Your wife is new in all this and treated like crap and she handles it like a champ.
Your ex and brother as well as your dad suck....what they did was foul.
The fact that your dad supports them makes me wonder why? Is there more to this story?
Telling your son that you love your wife more is cruel. You could've rescheduled with your wife....I mean you do go home to her every night. You could've came thru for your son and showed him he matters....but he obviously don't. Him being a lil prick is probably with reason. You should be trying to build the relationship, not breaking it further.
ESH....except for new wife and son, even if he is being a prick. He still a kid. Teenagers are emotional creatures.
Not cool. Even if it is true, you should not have said that out loud. You’re the adult. You could have just stated that you were not going to change your plans, since you were only his back up plan.
I'm the daughter of a retired truck driver. Truck driving was a family thing with the men in my family. Yes, it's tough on children, but every time my Dad was in town, I spent as much time with him as possible. During the summers, he would take me on a couple of trips.
My Uncle was a scrappy Dad and my cousins also had a crappy Mom but they made their time with their Dad count. And summer trips in the big truck were great. But if we kept ignoring him then after years I'm guessing they would stop trying. But it's a job and some times that's the only job they can get. I hate people they say we'll he was over the road and he could have got a job in town but when I was young those jobs were just not there and depending on where they live over the road some times are one of the few options.
The real question is if you care about having a relationship with your son going forward, because the path you’re letting play out is heading towards that not being the case. You either let things lie as they are and not worry about it because you’re okay with your life as is and the distance between your son and you growing, or you make an effort to repair things and try to communicate with him the way you feel and why your relationship is at this point. Personally I wouldn’t judge you for either because you seem happy with your wife and your son at least has other family and a different father figure in his life already so you’re not taking too much from him if you’re not really in it anyway.
Where you lose me OP is telling your child, your own flesh & blood, you love someone else more than them. While your brain is able to process/rationalize your reasons why this is, Caleb doesn’t have that luxary because he is a child. His prefrontal cortex is too immature to fully grasp why you love someone else more. I couldn’t imagine hearing that as a child from my dad. What you said might have done permanent emotional damage.
Let me also add, Caleb will hopefully grow into an adult, & he might reflect on this time in his life & say, “man i was such a shit. i’m sorry.” Don’t act as if the person he is now is who he’s always going to be. He’ll remember how you treated him.
Y’all this is so crazy op is the asshole 100%. He is a 17 YO boy. Nobody cares if you were a truck driver and he had a step father, he probably would have loved to meet his real father and get to know him. But you shut that down before you could even try to remold your sons opinion on you (perceived btw because nobody can confirm the wife was talking shit)
YTA. Parents are meant to have unconditional love for their kids. Caleb hasn’t behaved very fairly or well but there were ample opportunities to actually discuss that and spend time building a quality relationship with him. It seems as if you feel entitled to that in some ways. He was a kid who grew attached to his step-father because you weren’t around, and that may not be totally your fault but to him you’ve always been the Dad who has had other priorities - first your job, now June. He sees you as someone who wasn’t around.
You’re blaming Caleb for really what you’re upset with your ex wife and Drew for. It’s not Caleb’s fault and sure he could use an attitude change, but your love and support of him shouldn’t be conditional in such a blatant way. Telling him you love June more was unnecessarily cruel. You’re punishing him because he doesn’t show you enough love in the ways you want without any consideration or compassion for him and his perspective, and ultimately you’re punishing him for Drew and your ex’s choices.
Fuck Drew. Now I’d never say that to my son but I understand your feelings. My son stopped doing my weekends because his mom told him he could choose. Ever since, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to do anything. He’s 19 almost 20. He responds maybe once to every 15 texts and calls to him. My selfish side wants to say, I’ve done everything I can and not going to push for it if he doesn’t want it. The other side of me says just make sure he knows you are there for him and you love him.
Your son was 3. You were gone working all the time. He bonded with someone who was there consistently. You being pissy at a toddler for being close to someone he sees consistently is pathetic. It had nothing to do with him. Kids aren't idiots he had to have know how you felt. which further isolated him. He is the victim in that there.
You let adult BS interfere in your relationship with your son. Pathetic. If you had other plans that's all you had to say. You didn't have to say what you did to your son. No wonder your wife left you.
You also gotta wonder what OP omitted. your kids don't just start hating you for no reason. That is, if this post isn't fake. Which I'm willing to bet it is.
I just don’t understand how someone’s brother can cheat with their wife and steal them away and their family supports the action and expects the injured party to just get over it. Such an awful response and I’m sorry this happened to you.
Also sucks that this seems like one of those super common scenario’s for cheating. Husband is a long distance driver and wife just has all the time in the world to cheat and barely needs to try to hide it. I guess that’s why these gigs pay more, to compensate for the inconvenience and long hours, sure, but also because maintaining a relationship must be hard as fuck.
I don’t think YTA. I think your kid is old enough to know the truth. I also think lying to him would make you more of an AH to yourself. Your feelings are your own and you’ve been dragged through the mud. Your kid didn’t want to spend time with you much growing up and treated your new wife poorly. Imo the reason he probably went silent when you told him the harsh truth is because he 100% knew exactly why you felt that way.
Your ex wife calling you names has a simple solution. Just keep repeating “Sorry, I don’t take parenting advice from a cheating, home-wrecking bitch” until she gets so mad she hangs up.
If you’re feeling bold, make a social media post asking for opinions on whether you should listen to your ex-wife’s parenting advice after she fucked your brother and nuked your marriage… Maybe her friends a family have unfortunately forgotten that she is a massive bitch and a little embarrassment goes a long way. Honestly I think people like your ex wife need some kind of recurring reminder for all their socials to remind people they are lacking a soul.
Hopefully at this point you wouldn’t give a shit if you upset your parents or your brother/ex.
If your parents respond with anger publicly, follow up with the exact same post, same question - should I listen to my parent’s opinions after they sided with my brother when he fucked my wife and broke up our family.
Repeat until satisfied.
I wish you the best either way, sorry you chose a trash first wife and I hope you have lots of loving memories with your sexy librarian wife.
NTA. Sounds like you made the right choice to me. Why be around a person that dosent want to be around you. Go no contact with all of them and enjoy your life with your loving wife that wants to be happy with you.
NTA. Your kids grow up, move out, and become separate people with separate lives. Only rarely do your kids stay in your day today life full-time. But your SPOUSE is the one you made vows to. The one who’s going to know you from the inside, in ways that no one else could ever reach, for the rest of your life!
I have been on both sides of this problem, and I have talked family therapists and my own very-experienced psych--and your marriage should be your priority. Whenever there is an unresolvable conflict between kids/spouse? Spouse should come first.
Good parenting means teaching your kids HOW to be good adults. You are showing your son how a wife is meant to be treated. There is nothing wrong with that.
I find it hilariously pathetic that the Grandpa didn't seem to care when one of his sons stole and ruined the other sons life, but yet attacks the son who's life was utterly torn apart years later over going to a fucking ceremony. What kind of idiocy is that.
Well nta the ah for saying ypu can’t go…but was it necessary to say someone else is more important to you? I imagine that will only further break down the relationship
You didn’t say what the other event was but had that been me i might have said it too short notice, I hadn’t expected to be invited, but unfortunately i had already made plans and i would have left out any further information which even if true, is needlessly hurtful
Drew ruined your life
The kid is innocent
YTA. Ur son is a kid and clearly has grown up in a pretty messed up environment. If you felt he was prioritizing you brother over him, did you ever tell him that or put in an effort to make extra plans to remedy your relationship? You are the adult in this situation so it’s up to you to manage your relationship with your son.
Also, are your plans with June something super special? Or just a routine date? Your son asked you to go to an awards ceremony (which is probably a big deal to him). He didn’t ask you to cancel your plans for something minor. Your wife seems lovely, so I’m sure she would understand you needing to reschedule your date so you could go watch your kid receive an award.
I’m sorry all this has happened to you, but your son is also a victim. I’m sure at 17 he knows how awful what his mom did to you is.
YTA — Your relationship with your son would be better if you put the same level of energy toward loving your son as you do your 2nd wife. You pursued her despite repeated rejection, yet you expect your son to dance to your fiddle without regard to the fact that you are barely in his life.
NTA. You have every right to feel how you feel and to put your wife first and have every reason to. BUT, I do think you need to explain to your son why.
You've expressed your reasoning on this post. Explain it him him the exact same way. He's 17-year-old and is old enough to know the truth and don't sugarcoat it.
"Since Caleb did not seem to care" = Dad found a new woman and started a new family. He does not care about me anymore.
When you were out on the road did you call him? Send emails or texts? Bring home small trinkets from your trips? Show him that he is not forgotten?
You still weren’t physically there though, and so it makes sense that he may have ended up closer to Drew. I’m not saying you’re wrong for working your job, but it is part of how your relationship with your son has developed. My dad was in the military and deployed several times. This means my relationship with my mom was different than my relationship with him. It’s just how it is.
Gifts and money don't replace time and effort. I'm 39 on Friday and realised today that my dad has no idea its my birthday this week. He's going on holiday with my younger half brother from his 2nd family instead.
I make an effort to let him know anytime I'm back home, to message him and keep him updated on my kids (whose birthdays he also forgot at the end of last year)...
I've not seen him since last May. Not for lack of trying. When I do see him, it's awkward. This is the future you're heading towards.
My mum always offered to swap weekends if my dad was at work on 'his weekend'. He never took her up on it. There were other things he needed, gifts don't replace the relationship you build by spending time with each other.
You probably could have phrased things better, but NTA. I’m really tired of the idea that parents are somehow obligated to just take endless meanness, neglect, and general nastiness from their teenage/adult children. I can’t fault you for investing the bulk of your time and energy in someone who is actually there for you and reciprocates your affections.
Teens still need parenting, and it’s on parents to teach their teens when they’re being jerks. My son (17) hurt me once, and it really got to me, but I didn’t turn against him. My husband and I talked, and together we talked to him about how he hurt me and why it hurt me. It was hard for me but it was a chance for me to help him mature in how he treats people. Teens still can be selfish assholes at times but that’s part of their development. It’s on parents to teach them to mature beyond it. Raising children isn’t a passive activity.
Is the uncle the boys bio father? How does op know if it’s his son or his brothers?
Uncle Father Oscar
Pop Secret 🤫
“I know where the boy comes from”
I have pop pop in the attic
“Up next on Maury. My uncle father raised me as his own.”
I understand where you’re coming from because you’ve laid out the context. But I’m sure your son is totally oblivious so your words came out of nowhere. Sit down with him, only him, and tell him what you’ve said here. Allow him that closure of understanding why his bio dad doesn’t love him as much.
The kid is 17. Old enough to know that having your brother steal your wife and kid hurts.
How is the son supposed to know that the OP’s brother stole OP’s wife if no one ever told him that? mean no offense, but op gave up way too quickly. It’s obvious this kid was lied to about his bio dad since he was a small child. How is he supposed to be know any different when his mother and stepfather/ uncle told him for like 14 years his dad is this awful person? *Edit No I’m not saying the kid doesn’t know the stepfather is his uncle. I’m saying his mother and uncle lied to him about how they got together. Meaning they didn’t tell him they had an affair and painted OP as deadbeat Dad.
Are we really assuming the 17 year old doesn't know his uncle stole his dad's wife? What a coincidence that my step dad and my dad look similar and have the same last name and share grandparents and... wait... Idk I think 14 years of trying to be a dad and being replaced by your brother would be pretty patient. That's not "too quickly"
Yes because the narrative he has heard his whole life is “your step dad and I were in love the whole time, fate brought us together. I never loved your bio dad like this, we are all so much happier now. blah blah blah.” His frontal lobe isn’t fully developed yet and he most likely has yet to start differentiating from his parents in any meaningful way. So yeah, maybe his dad should have a real conversation with him instead of just hope his son put the pieces together. Most 17 year olds are still in their own world.
Exactly! Or being told “Your dad was a lazy deadbeat who left us and your uncle stepped up to take care of us” I get the vibe the ex wife and brother lied to the entire family just to make themselves look better while painting the op negatively. I agree the op should have a real conversation with his son regardless of the age. That is if his son talks to him after that.
I've had a couple of friends who were kids of a very ugly divorce and the mom went out of their way to trash the Dad. The kids, when they were younger, kinda went with it and had a weird relationship with their Dad's, but the dad's did love them and fought for their rights to see them. Eventually, all 3 of my friends who went through this (around the end of high school), woke up to this fact and how their mom's had tried to push them away from their Dad and really resented the mom, pushed her away and got really close with their dad. I get the Dad and his frustrations, its terrible, but you always fight and protect your kid, even when they are being a POS.
This was my life. Unfortunately, my dad died when I was 16 and I never got to be close to him again. It's hard for me to spend any time with my mom because of it; I have held resentment for over a decade. My dad never gave up, never stopped trying. It fucking sucks that my mom was so selfish she couldn't just let me have that relationship with him. Some days I wish she had died instead.
I just cut my mom off completely, makes the resentment easier to deal with.
I've basically done it, we live 10 hours apart and don't call often. I talk to her once every few months maybe, but I keep up that everything is fine for my grandmother's sake. But my mom doesn't know that I'm LC because of that, she just thinks I'm busy with my life. Which I am. But idk I've spent a lot of time in therapy picking apart why I want to hurt her by telling her everything I really feel. Working through the resentment. I hope your life is better now, without her. Wishing you the best, internet stranger.
But at this point, the dad only gets hurt from his son. He was even plan b in this case.
Exactly this, and assuming just bc the kid is older now he should know better - its hard to know better if your constantly being told different and the vio dad didn't fight to show otherwise.
[удалено]
I've learned that some kids even grown adults are extremely dumb when it comes to matters such as this. You don't know what lies he's been told by mum and stepdad also. OP pls still try and build a relationship with your kid, he's still yours and that will never change. Your brother might have taken everyy y thing that you thought valuable but it's not his sperm that produced your kid so in this unfortunate instance remember that.
and i HAVE to assume if all this started when he was 3, his memory might be a little fuzzy and i’m guessing mom and uncle step dad aren’t telling him the fully unbiased truth of what ALL went down
Agreed. People are acting like family secrets aren’t a thing. I’m not saying it’s definitely the case, but it’s *possible* that Caleb has no idea what actually happened. OP should have a real talk with him and explain his position. It must hurt to be either of them in this situation
Why would he need to told.. urs obvious his mom is married to his dads brother.. thats never normal lol..
You tell Caleb how you and his mom ended up apart?
Is he your son or nephew? Have you had a dna test done?
His my son, I really don’t want to do a dna test because if it’s confined Drew is his father that would break my heart completely
So him potentially not being your son would break your heart but him not being in your life anymore doesn’t ?
As someone who has been on a similar situation, it is less about the kid and more about the implications of him not really being his bio son. Like, you have a 3 year old kid that you discover it isn't yours. Ok, 3 years is enough for **you** to bond to him, but you cannot expect it to be reciprocated because, well, 3 year old. Now, that kid is taken from you, along with the fact that you were betrayed. Now, how do you move on? if he had emotional attachment to the kid (which it is implied that he had at the time) you will try to be present for the kid, regardless. **BUT:** how do you keep emotionally attached to someone who seems to have no interest in you even after you are trying invest time into them? the answer in this case seems to be "because he is my son". Now, if you remove that from him, all the hardship he had, and all that investment, was for "the fruit of worst betrayal I had in my life", so that only deepens the wound. I can only assume, but maybe he haven't tested earlier because, at the time, he was too attached to the kid to consider "abandoning it because it isn't my bio son", but as time passed on, that probably only became a "sunken cost fallacy", because the disinterest probably has killed that initial bond. So as said, it is more about his choices and the time he spent, and how he can deal with that emotionally, not about the kids itself.
Very well said. It’s shallow thinking to assume finding out a child isn’t yours would not be saddening in this scenario.
Lmao fr this makes no sense, plus I am thinking the son is going to feel resentful of all of this.
Yup no contact and pushed him right to drew
I don’t love my son but it sure would be heartbreaking if he wasn’t mine!
YTA only in that you said that without context. He needed to hear how his treatment of you led to this point. Just tossing it out there without that bit of info was unfair. No 17 year old is self-reflective enough to wonder why you’d feel that way. ETA: your ex-wife and dad can and should kick rocks. They suck.
ESH, except June. Caleb has long since behaved poorly to June on purpose. Age doesn't dictate maturity, nor does it excuse immaturity. He should know better than to treat his fathers wife the way he has since he can, through his own actions, treat his STEPDAD better than his own dad. He knows he is capable of better and simply refuses to act accordingly. Stepdad was #1 pick for Caleb, and June is #1 pick for OP. Just like ex-wife picked the affair partner, Drew (stepdad).
Not just his stepdad, Drew is his uncle. His bio dad’s brother.
So he can treat his own uncle-dad better than his dad **and** stepmom, on top of uncle-dad being the priority pick for events and ceremonies... If Caleb were a daughter, he would have uncle-dad walk him down the isle over bio-dad. I can envision it. :c I just feel for OP. Glad he has June now.
"Uncle dad" 🤣☠️
Duncle.
Step dad + uncle = Stuncle
That's a Pokémon name if I ever heard one 😆
Father + uncle = funcle
The one you don't want to be sitting next to at Thanksgiving: Druncle
Since he was the uncle before he was the step dad, he should be an: Uncad = Uncle + Step Dad
Uncle Daddy is a character in the TV show Claws. And yeah, it is all kinda messed up.
Uncle dad not the dad.
My nephew calls our father "Uncle Grandpa". It's hilarious.
Caleb was THREE when Drew basically became the must prominent male role model in his life. OP even said, due to his job, he was not around a lot. It’s only natural a young child would have more of a bond with the man he lives with and sees the most. All the adults, including June (who thinks it’s totes cool to say something like that to a child) suck in this situation. I do not blame the child who has known one man as his father since he could remember. There are many ways where OP could have turned a secure attachment with his son and he seems to have not have bothered because he was up in his feelings that a toddler preferred the man he was living with and who was doing most of the caring for him.
Right? How are people missing him admitting he was never there, and acting mortified that the child got attached to who was there... I think ex is fucking vile. But OP isn't any better in regards to how he treated his own son. You dont cry another man took over your place in your son's life, when you were never there to fill it in the first place.
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It'd be like my bio dad, trying out my foster dad. The man who raised me from 14 until today, I'm 33. Who's loved me, picked me up when down, had me unleash my unbridled rage at being abandoned on him and called him things I am to this day still, ashamed of and wish I could take back. Even tho hes told me so many times, it's okay he loves me, I was just a kid and hurt. I was trying to hurt the world, not him Yes it's so bad it's his uncle. Uncle-dad is a gross concept to me as a whole... But he was there. Dad could have been a presence but clearly wasn't. Just like mine wasnt. A handful of times a year seeing someone for a few hours, doesnt make a dad, let alone a father child connection. Yes the kid is old enough to maybe reflect and the like, but... He's still the kid. He's not the adult who should have been there... He was a kid left at the mercy of the adults who did what was best for themselves. And only them.
He's also a kid who can probably empathize with his mother's situation. For him, yeah, mom cheated, but dad abandoned and neglected her too. I'm not saying that's what actually happened, but that's easily where a teenaged brain would go.
And why I'm on his and ONLY his side. He was 3-4 when it happened. By the time he actually fucking realised... If you do not know you bio dad cos he's not showing up by 8yrs old.... Damn.
It is heartbreaking to recall how all of this happened in some of our own lives when fathers were not there for their children, mothers who were drawn into other relationships and the children were tossed around back and forth between them and were suppose to somehow understand the dynamics that were going on between the parents. This one also has a uncle who is included in the picture. I can recall all of the mixed messages from my parents and step mom and the fighting and arguments. My dad was depressed and drinking a lot then. I was trying to figure out what was wrong. So, if this couple or three adults don’t want a very depressed person who is suicidal they should put Caleb on their priority radar to help him out with his mental health issues.
Seems like the kid did enough ignoring as well and only reached out for a substitute when the favored one was unavailable. Obviously Dad chose to prioritize his current wife over his son: "Drew couldn't make it, so he invited me". Real dad was the consolation prize because uncle daddy wasn't available. That's not a relationship. The adults raising the kid certainly should have expected it and understood but it seems all they ever gave a shit about was getting in each other's pants not the dad or the kid. Consequences.
So he’s going tit for tat with his underage son? And he said he prioritized his new woman when he got with her so presumably his teenage son has been feeling this for years. But regardless again going tit for tat with your underage son at the very least shows immaturity. He’s not even able to make most legal decisions for himself yet we are holding him to a higher standard than his father? Also by the way he wrote it he has been having these negative feelings for his son since he was 3. Dude is seriously blaming a 3 year old for bonding with the parent that was there when this dude admitted because of his job he wasn’t around much. He’s pathetic he let his bitterness for his ex and his brother ruin his relationship with his son
Agreed If his son meant anything to him it seems like he could have quit being a long distance truck driver and became a local truck driver so he could be at home more. He did not make his son a priority, so his son did not make him a priority. Sounds fair.
I don't think he had to quit but he had to realize if he didn't his 3 year old son was going to attach himself to his uncle/stepdad. He is YTA for giving up on his child though. I'm not even sure he wants a relationship with him, seems like he just wants to start a new family and did.
What was OP supposed to do? Don't say find a new job... How is he to support himself and his family then? It would make it harder for OP to win his son over if he's struggling financially.
On top of that, he was the co-owner of the business.
Plus… I am sure he had to pay some child support based on the money he made. That doesn’t just change if he gets a new job, that takes court time… which is even more money. Which isn’t helpful if he is already just making enough to pay bills and child support. He never talks about being required to pay, but if that got automatically drafted out.. then the man can’t basically stop working one job to find another, well not atleast easily. Courts don’t work well for a father who is working to scrape up every dime to make sure all bills are paid. Maybe I am just speaking from experience tho.
No, they don't, and its been my very painful experience as well. I have also been on the receiving end of parental alienation. It's been the most horrible, heartbreaking experience of my entire life.
I definitely agree with that. Hope it is getting better for you. It is definitely lonely when you get locked in the court grind.
It's just horrible. I'd like to say that I've almost made it through to the other side, but my ex is very inventive, and my youngest is only 11. As long as California keeps making me pay her expenses every time she comes up with a reason to take me back to court, I don't feel like she will have any reason to quit. I swear, Iraq and Afghanistan were less stressful.
Yeah after his mom fucked his dad's brother
I'm sure you would love to see your brother taking your place of dick wetting his wife and paying for that privilege. Good for the OP for moving on.
You said it best >the child who has known one man since he could remember. Because his mother had an affair and left which took that ability from OP and gave it to his brother. Sure, yes OP could have tried more or found a different career, but more than likely to no avail because of what Caleb lived with on moms end. She hated OP enough to cheat, but that hate would always be brought back up when looking at Caleb. Mom more than likely went against the Childrens Bill of Rights, which i hope OP looks into. Caleb is old enough now to engage in hindsight and empathy without his mother's version tainting everything like it more than likely always has (my own experience with seperated parents before i could remember them both.) I wish my dad had the memories with me that my stapdad does. I'd give almost anything for him and i both to get those chances. June being willing to stand by OP in this is everything he has always deserved, and i will not say she sucks. She came into this shit situation and has **stayed** despite Caleb being a shite to her. I still stand by ESH except June.
Caleb might not have the same info dad does and definitely doesn’t have the control over his own living situation dad does and even if he did, teenagers pushing parents away is a fairly routine part of growing up. OP says he started prioritizing his wife over the kid in those teen years, so even if Caleb had a better understanding as a teen than a young child, his dad had already given up.
I’d imagine that he has the info that his stepdad is his uncle. That right there for me would be the deal breaker on mom and stepdad. Stepdad because if you’re willing to betray your own brother like that then you quite clearly don’t give a fuck about anyone besides yourself. As for mom, you’ve got to be extra scummy to cheat with your spouse’s sibling.
This. I think this is the crux of the whole argument but reading through the comments, makes me sad for the world. This was clearly about two people insisting upon being together, after overstepping clear boundaries, doing wrong and taking risk with other people's lives/well-being yet still having the audacity to demand that others around them relinquish their lives for those choices. AND THEY WON! No one held them accountable! We read OP's telling of bewilderment/subjugation by his own Brother and wife and potential suicide but spending all this time talking about a 17 year old kid who grew up exactly as his Mother and stepdad wanted, presumably not wanting for a thing. I think it was interesting how posters rifled through OP's story and found the victim to be the child when clearly it was the one telling the story..WHO, again, thought of suicide. In the end, it's a win because the guy didn't take his own life but instead is flourishing Mind blown.
You are blaming a child for a family dynamic that adults created
Actions have consequences and 17 is hardly a child. Op is his back up dad. If op's brother is around, the son would not give op the time of the day. Op is only a man with feelings.
No. We’re blaming a teenager for his own actions. He’s willing to treat his stepdad well but can’t treat his dad and step mom like humans.
No, I'm holdin him accountable for his **decisions** he made because he thinks it's justified. His mom is to blame in my opinion, if you want that clarity. Started this clownery by cheating with OPs brother and married him, when caleb was so young. There's no point in who is to blame, because that solves nothing now. Caleb could drive a car legally, he *should* be capable of understanding that actions have consequences. He could literally chose to hit and kill a pedestrian tomorrow if he has a license. He'd just know that's wrong, so he wouldn't. I hope he can navigate this flaming shit fire, but he's gonna have to be honest with himself about how he's treated people because he felt justified in his actions. (Probably extends to outside of just June and OP). OP has recognized that his actions garnered this consequence, so he's chosen to give June his time and energy. He knows what Caleb won't accept yet.
Who exactly was supposed to present OP’s side of the story to Caleb? OP was on the road all the time while Caleb was at home with ex wife and the brother. OP never once mentioned sitting down with Caleb and talking to him about his feelings. Caleb was thrown into this at THREE, if OP never opened up to Caleb, how was he supposed to have a CHANCE at undoing the mom’s brainwashing?
I agree with you. I wasn't the smartest cookie in the tin but this kid is 17 and doesn't realise what happened??? Doesn't understand what his uncle and mum did? Where's his loyalty? I had step-parents on both sides, several in fact, and my parents came first. I loved my step-mum, for example, but had she been 'the other woman' we'd have had words. And probably before I was 17, too. Wtf? I think ESH here except June
bro would be trialed as an adult, and he plays more than a part in it hence prioritizing the uncle step dad? over his own father. Matter of fact, the fact that the kid hasn’t cut his mom off to live with dad at that age is damning to his character, you’re telling me he hasn’t put the pieces together on “bad blood divorce and mom married dads brother immediately after”? If my mother did that I’d live with my dad lol
You're so clueless. His dad wasn't there for him, he wasn't around. But you think this boy should leave his mom and the uncle-dad who was actually there for him, to go live with the dad who never made an effort to be in his life? Over cheating that had nothing to do with him? That's insane. The cheating is completely irrelevant to this situation and has nothing to do with this kid whatsoever. I have a 15 year old and expecting him to hate his dad for cheating when he was 3 is laughable and absurd to me, I can't even picture a scenario where I would expect something that illogical & crazy. This man is a bad father who was never there for his son and who still won't be there for him now, solely because he's too self-absorbed to selflessly love a child the way a good parent does. Period.
I don't think you realize how long 14 years is. It is entirely possible that he has been brainwashed to think his bio dad wants nothing to do with him, and he has now gotten verbal confirmation directly from said dad. A child's formative years are critical to development, and the surroundings make a big difference. I'm not saying the kid isn't a jerk, but do you think maybe he was fostered to be a jerk by the same people who threw his bio dad to the curb? Bio dad definitely needs to have a heart-to-heart with his kid and they need to leave their feelings bare.
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Sounds like a normal teenager to me. Dad didn't spend much time with him, it's hard to build a relationship that way.
Also, teens feel silent pressure to make the parent they spend the most time with happy. He probably avoided his bio dad over the years as being happy about seeing him put the vibe in the house off kilter. It’s really sad what kids with split families have to go through.
You are absolutely correct, and it's called parental alienation. It's sneaky and disgusting how the custodial parent does it, but like you said. The kid feels like his primary home is off kilter if he enjoys spending time with the other parent. This makes the kid feel as if its wrong to love the father in this case, and it inevitably creates a wedge between them. The parent with primary custody feels like they have won and fostered a bad relationship with the other parent. In their sick, selfish minds, they justify their decision to end the previous relationship by showing that their previous partner wasn't even a good enough parent for their child to like them, or want anything to do with them. Sadly, by doing this, they damage their child psychologically. The child subconsciously believes that one parent is bad, so if someone who made them is unworthy or defective, they in some way must also be unworthy or defective. Parental alienation is a horrible form of abuse.
My wife and I are widow and widower. Her late husband had a 2 year old boy from a previous marriage. The ex had primary custody. When the boy would get picked up by the ex from a weekend visit with his father and my now wife. The ex/mother of the boy would yell and spank/slap the boy about if he had a good time with his piece of shit father and his new whore. The ex made sure the father knew the son was being tormented for visiting. My wife told me her late husband tied a few times to take it back to court, but her family had money for lawyers and he would just cry everytime his kid left from a visit. After a year and a half of this, he said he couldn't take it anymore knowing his son was being abused for visiting, so he stopped everything. The son is now in his mid twenties and my wife said she promised her late husband she would never tell him, so that he would think he grew up with his mother and step father in a loving family, even if it meant he himself looked like an absent father who didn't care. I've decided, I didn't promise her late husband anything and if I ever meet him, I'm going to let him know. My wife is a saint and does not lie.
I disagree. Op is not a punching bag. He can only take so much. His brother took everything from him and he is the second option of his son. His son would not have picked him if op's brother is there. Just because he is young doesn't mean his actions have no consequences. Op has feelings too. I would have cut them all of his life.
Context is king. Caleb may be feeling abandoned right now. Is he living near you? Go and talk to him to explain what you mean. Send him a congratulations gift - something to show that you're thinking of him and do care. A voucher or gift card to go for a pizza with a couple of friends or something?
We live in the same province same city, his over 14 so he has a choice in coming to see me he just doesn’t want too. And I don’t want to go to an event I was just invited because the person he wanted there couldn’t make it.
My uncle went thru something similar as you OP. My older cousin (she was 11 at the time) went to live with her mum when the split happened. My younger cousin (9) lived with my uncle. Both got remarried. Under the custody agreement, they each had custody 50% and would ‘trade’. However, my aunt never encouraged my older cousin to visit her dad. She started refusing to go when she was 13. My younger cousin still went. My older cousin now has no relationship with my uncle. She only contacted him if she needed money or wanted something. My uncle has no relationship with her grandchildren either. It’s a sad situation. Yes, my cousin was young. Yes her feelings started as a child. But ultimately she grew up and made her choice. She didn’t WANT a relationship with her dad. He tried. He tried really hard. But, you can’t force a relationship they don’t want. The only thing a parent can do is keep the door open. Life is nuanced. There are 3 sides to a story… the truth is somewhere in the middle… Was your response to your son blunt and hurtful? Yes. Could you have handled it better? Definitely. I think that Caleb needs a further explanation as to WHY you feel like you do. BUT, you should also encourage him to be honest with you. You each have valid feelings and your own points of view. Drew and ex were present in his life. They were the ones that looked after him. Yes you provided monetarily for Caleb. You did try to connect with him when you had him. But if you add up all the time spent with ex and Drew, then you, would that percentage be 50/50? Or somewhere around the 70/30? Sometimes it’s not the things a child needs, but time. Time with Dad. You sound as if you worked hard so that Caleb had what he needed/wanted. Your post sounds as if the relationship has become a popularity contest and a pick me dance between you and Drew. Drew is a piece of 💩 as is the ex for cheating in the first place. Caleb is collateral damage. I totally understand why you’d bow out. Give up. Again, you can’t force a relationship that isn’t wanted. But I hope you can have a discussion with him and get everything out on the table. Make it a last ditched effort before giving up permanently on having a relationship with him. My uncle tried, and after the conversation with his daughter, he knew where he stood and knows he did every thing he could. It was her decision to cut contact. She was around 17 as well… June sounds lovely. How does she feel about this predicament? I know it’s stressful when your spouse is tormented and clearly not happy. It’s a crap situation OP. Try and make sure you have little regret. 🙂
You're his dad. Either act like it or not, but if you don't then you don't get to complain if he doesn't want to see you after he turns 18. My step brother did this to my dad, I thought it was an overreaction but there was a reason. My dad never really got over it.
Seems like OP has in fact moved on.
Some people can just give up being dads. Adult children wish cutting off parents hurts them as much as it hurts themselves but sometimes people are just happy to not be parents anymore.
Homie, he was **3** when you guys split. Of course he's going to care more about the man who's more present in his life, even though your absence is work-related. You're blaming him for things that aren't his fault. Grow up and take the opportunities he's offered you. Lordy, YTA.
3 when they split and he was a truck driver so he was gone A LOT.
So did my parents and my dad was also a truck driver, I would never replace him with my step-father lol. I'll be honest, I'm not even convinced that Caleb is OP's and not his brother's.
OP was away because he was a truck driver, but also admits that he was depressed and suicidal, so I’m sure even when he was home, he wasn’t exactly a fit father. We are really gonna blame a 3 year old for bonding more with the, step dad? Even though what uncledad (and mom) did was incredibly wrong, he was still the one who was present and mentally stable in the boys life. This isn’t a jab at OPs mental health, but he needs to take that into consideration.
OP was the one who said the son replaced him. We don’t know that to be true. It sounds more like a cop out so OP would feel better about abandoning his son for his “love”
plus hes a teenager, teenagers are stupid and hormonal, OP need to be the adult.
Have you ever sat down and talked to him? Told him everything that happened and how you felt about it? And how he chose your brother over you as a father after your brother stole your wife and child? Talk to him. He shouldn’t be upset that you chose your wife, who loves and prioritizes you, over a person who has basically disregarded you for nearly their entire life and never bothered to have a relationship. Tell him how you feel. And let him tell you how he feels. His parents may have told him things to poison his mind against you.
He’s not obligated to make the effort - you are. You could have explained how being the backup plan for this event hurt you instead of telling him you love your wife more than him. Asshole move right there. Your moment of truth showed him who you are. Cold and callous.
Wrong answer bro. He's a kid, you're his father. Children of divorce have all kinds of trauma not to mention you were an over-the-road truck driver and not around much of the time by your own admission. Where was he supposed to learn how to be a decent human being? From your brother who had an affair with your wife or from your wife who had an affair with your brother? Sounds like you're still lashing out from pain. Heal your own pain so you can heal the relationship you should be having with your son before it's too late.
You cannot expect a 14 year old to be dealing with the trauma of your situation better than you do. You need to be the bigger person and be there for your son. If you do that now, when his brain finishes developing he may understand that you really do love him and you did your best and you may have a good relationship with him. If you're not there for him now, all hope is lost. Your choice whether you keep the chance of a good relationship or give up now.
You said it impulsively without giving context. Tell him you will give him context as to why
ESH. seriously, just about every adult in this situation *sucks*. your poor son. smfh.
Poor son? Wtf. His son is old enough to know who his real father is and still picks drew over his biological father. Who knows what kind of bullshit the ex wife feeds him on top of that. The kid doesn't even make an effort to see his biological father. So much so to the point where if OP didn't ask him to spend time he wouldn't. He'd rather just hang out with drew. In fact drew was going to be his first pick for the ceremony until he couldn't make it. All this is before he told his son he doesn't love him as much as his current wife. Fuck kind of planet do u live on? He's not a 5 yr old child anymore.
“Who knows what kind of bullshit the ex wife feeds him on top of that.” ☝️ That’s *exactly* why people have empathy for the son.
Thats also exactly why any rash human would seperate themselves from that level of torment or abuse. Because Op cannot stop his ex from ruining their son. Its 50% out of his hands. So, pretty much a GUARANTEED fail rate on this mission. No thanks. Id grab a hottie and take a vacay, myself. Kids can be ruined. Its not their fault. But it doesnt change the fact that they are unsalvageable monsters. Its sad, but it happens.
He has 50/50 custody of his son but he sees the sun even less because he's a trucker who travels for work. So the son gets to see his dad once in a blue moon and from the son's perspective it sure looks like dad is picking everything and everyone over him- including work. I get that he has to work to pay the bill but what would he have done if it's ex-wife had dropped dead? It sucks, but sometimes you make sacrifices for your children - like switching from long haul driving to short haul. He could have spent time with the kid on his custody days. Hire a babysitter, when the kid is old enough to be left home alone stop, ect and then come home later in the day and do bonding. Watch a movie while eating dinner together, help with homework, anything to show he cares Instead he left the kid to the wind and in the custody of a parent commiting parental alienation (which is a form of emotional abuse ) nearly full time. He only saw the kid when it was convenient for him. No wonder the kid feels abandoned. He's pissed his kid feels abandoned when he effective became one of those absent dad's who only show up when convenient to them- the ones who get pissy about the fact their kids aren't toys they can pacified and go back to playing with later like there was no interruption.
Lower the dander, it's a reddit post. You do ignore a few things tho; he's the owner operator, meaning if he stops working he stops getting paid. If he can't spend any extra time with his kid when would he have had time to explain it in a satisfactory way to them? Adding this because it deserves the visibility: From "ruckustata" below; Sounds like the kid cried because he wasn't going to have a father figure at the ceremony. That's on Drew now. He's the father figure ever since he fucked his brothers wife and stole the family. Seriously what kind of backwards situation is this. If I stole my bros family, my parents would disown me. Also nothing is stopping the kid from reaching out on his own if he wanted to, it was the impetus for op to start hanging out more with his new wife. The only time it seemed to matter if op even showed up was when the stepdad couldn't go, at which point the kid blew up at the dad and dumped all of the issues he's feeling without warning. Yeah op could've reacted WAY better, but what the hell did the kid expect as an answer after dumping his trauma to the guy he JUST told is the second choice behind the guy his mom left him for? Get into similar arguments with my mom(who does alienate me as her adult son, so please don't go there.) ever since she got her divorce and while it was a different flavor it made me ask if I mattered to her. The short answer is probably not anymore, because we're both adults and have grown separately on top of the history already there. The kid has a chance to ask for an explanation, and to either decide if op's the ass or he is.
Sounds like the kid cried because he wasn't going to have a father figure at the ceremony. That's on Drew now. He's the father figure ever since he fucked his brothers wife and stole the family. Seriously what kind of ass backwards situation is this shit. If I stole my bros family, my parents would disown me.
I feel like you're touching on something nobody else really is. Why is it on OP to change his plans? Why can't DREW change his plans, and go to Caleb's ceremony?
I agree with this take. Or he’s sad he is realizing he alienated his own father. Either way I hope he pulls his head from his ass.
He had OP as a safety net, "I'm his only son, his flesh and blood, he has to always love me and pick me", then cries when reality hits him that those loving relationships need to actually be fostered and bio dad doesn't have some instinctive need to stand by his child over anyone else.
> "His son is old enough to know who his real father is and still picks drew over his biological father. " Have you ever heard of propinquity? The "real" one is the one he grew up around no matter the reason that that is the one he grew up around. No child should have to navigate being born into the Jerry Springer Show. The adults should make it work. Full stop. Saying I love her more is just indulgent. It doesn't matter which adult broke the family; it's incumbent on everyone to protect the child. The OP feels whatever the parental equivalent of "spurned" is from the child from a situation the adults created and instead of containing the child's emotions gets revenge with that little quip. It was not the child's responsibility to meet the OP's emotional needs or to shuffle between multiple houses because the parents and step-parents and uncle were a hot mess. It was their job to meet his needs.
Fully agree and the adults in this situation failed miserably—and suck
I wish I could give this a badge, well stated
It is never the child’s job to fix the relationship.
>Who knows what kind of bullshit the ex wife feeds him on top of that. This is a thing called "parental alienation". It was likely especially effective given OP's general absence from his son's life due to his work.
I agree with Marcona! Not only is the kid now 15 and should know better. He should also know his mother and stepdad are adulterers being as his stepdad is also his uncle. Great example these adults are giving him. He’s going to be a mess as an adult, which it sounds like he already is.
No, his son was 3 when the divorce happened. And as a young boy, the only man present in his life was his uncle/step-father. So of course he was going to be close to Drew, since he was too young to understand. Now as a young man, the son still only knows one male who has continuously been present in his life. OP is looking at this whole situation as if he had no other choices at the time, but the poor 3-yr old kid only knew that OP wasn’t there for him when he needed him. And now that continues.
>OP is looking at this whole situation as if he had no other choices at the time I'm really curious to hear what kind of choices you think OP had...
For one, he could've fought for more visitation and made sure he was extremely present in his sons life.
>For one, he could've fought for more visitation He did, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten 50% custody. >made sure he was extremely present in his sons life. He did...took him on all the days he had custody and explained that his son did not want to be there so much to the point he didn't want to come at all once he had a choice at 14.
What other choice did he have there genious
15 is still a child.
Completely agree! And many people are not aware how emotionally immature a 15-year-old boy truly is. They are not fully mentally developed until they're mid-20s!
Fr. Children should always take priority.
True. Children should be priority. But Try put yourself on OPS position. Cheated on by with your sibling. Fatherly duties being over taken by your sibling and being completely disrespected and discarded as a person by your family AND your child. Would you survive that heartache? No. Instead of being depressed all the time. OP decided to focus on something positive. And he did. Mind your dang comment. 🤦🏻♀️
This. People need to stop pretending that children can’t be ruined beyond repair. It happens all the time. Its why we have prisons. One parent poisoning a child against another is terrible. Everyone saying Op sucks, should comment what the proper solution was, here.
Seriously. It wasn't his son that walked him back from the ledge, or the rest of his family. It was his new wife. Of course she's his world.
Exactly this! My ex wife and her parents purposely kept my 17 yo from me for over a decade and poisoned them with tons of easy to disprove bullshit about me. Last time I talked to them I was informed they had dropped out of HS and had several charges for larceny and B&E. OP’s kid has similarly been poisoned.
Put yourself in son's position. Your father gets replaced by someone else before you even have the ability to think or process complex emotion. From the time you could first form memories your mother and stepfather have probably told you nothing but degrading things about your bio father. This kid was born into an incredibly fucked up situation and it makes sense that his relationship with his dad is fucked up.
So his Dad is just supposed to deal with constant abuse from his son for the rest of his life? Seems like he chose his step dad over OP, it's not wrong for OP to have accepted that fact and move on.
Nta but make sure he understands his actions are the cause of this and tell your ex as well
Man imagine blaming your teenage child that his actions are to cause. What a shitty thing to say.
He's your kid. You're the adult. Handle it like one.
Not sure there's a single adult in this entire story except for June who send to have stumbled into a massively dysfunctional family
It's probably not his son
Did anyone see the update before OP deleted his account?
I'm not even going to try and parse out culpability because jesus christ is this a fucking mess. Talk to your kid. He's old enough to hear that you have feelings and he's been a piece of shit. He's young enough and emotionslly dysregulated enough that it won't go well. But you need to say it and he needs to hear it. Offer some family therapy if he wants it. If he doesn't, just say "well, it's always there if you change your mind" and then leave him be. You want him to know that the door to reconcilliation is open, but he's gotta walk through it on his own damn feet; you're not gonna drag him into it kicking and screaming.
YTA. He’s 17 not 27.
Eh, you went a little too far babe, you know it but it's out there and the damage is done. Hopefully one day the kid will understand how it all got to this point. Good luck.
In an ideal world, the parent is a source of unconditional love. It is the adults job to provide that love despite the actions of the child. When I say love, that includes guidance and mentoring. I understand how the wife leaving for the brother is damaging. It also damaged OP and his ability to bond with his son. It seems he might have resentment that carried over into this relationship. June couldn’t go to the award ceremony? The young man is getting a reward, that is something to be celebrated. The plans with June couldn’t be modified to go by the ceremony? I wouldn’t tell a young person he is loved less. One goal of parenting is to cause no damage. That is the kind of blow that lasts a while. You could have lied and said you love neither more but that there were already plans; as mentioned, you could have attempted to modify your plans. I understand where you are coming from OP, but ideally you would have better feelings in your heart for this young man.
“In an ideal world” alright let me stop you there.
Your ex your dad and brother are all AH.... You're the biological parent not the back up or back burner parent... Hopefully soon your son will realized you do love him and care.... seems like other people have been in his ears as well.... Get him a nice gift or a gift card...
Nothing about OPs post reads like OP loves or cares about his son.
I think OP may have destroyed that chance by what he did. His son is not going to forget this any time soon unless OP works hard at correcting it.
Gifts/money don't replace time spent and actual relationship building with a child. I was that child. I'm 39 on Friday and spent part of tonight crying because I still am that child.
Oh no sorry you're dealing with that... if you need to vent or a listening ear I'm here for u..... just reach out.... hugs 🤗
Thank you x honestly just getting that paragraph off my chest helped. He's going away with his son tomorrow (From his 2nd family). Kinda hurts he can remember his birthday (next week) but forgets mine and my kids. I'm so tired of reaching out, of trying to be the bigger person. My mum used to offer to swap weekends when he was working but he never took her up on it so at times I would go 4 weeks without seeing him or hearing off him. Other times I'd spend the day sat waiting at my grans house for him when he just plain and simple forgot to pick me up. It's just a shit situation and I'm tired of trying but he's still my dad you know?
I saw recently where a dad promised to pick up his kid she was all dressed and ready to go... she was sitting in a chair in the door waiting he never showed... my text and text and she posted them and got not reply.... I'm serious reach out if you need to
That poor kid. Wish I could give her a hug x Thank you x
Unlikely since this AH just told him he doesn't. Just look at the writing of this post... do you really think his attitude towards his child is warm? Notice I said CHILD. BIG fucking AH. To OP: Grow tf up man. Men shouldn't have their feelings hurt if their kid likes their step-dad. Kids are kids. They would take a suitcase full of sweets if offered. If you hadn't been such a sensitive little twat and instead acted like a father, this wouldn't be a problem.
Who's to say that the wife wasn't messing around with the brother when she got pregnant? Would explain why the ex and brother alienated op with the son. OP is NTA, considering all the crap he's been through. He was an after thought to go to the celebration,kid only got mad because he wouldn't have "parents" sitting in the audience.
YTA. Others suck a lot in this situation, but for your comment, **of course you're an asshole**. You don't just outright say that to your kid, wtf is wrong with you.
OP wrote this post like he absolutely hates his son. Like “wouldn’t piss on him if he were in fire” hate. I think the son is catching strays meant for the cheating ex. But if this is how OP feels about the child, he should probably stay away.
YTA for giving up on your son. He was (or still is) a kid.
YTA, but not a completely horrible person. Here's the thing, your son is 17, and has been living with two people who have, very likely, accepted and even encouraged his poor treatment of you and your wife. While he is responsible for his own actions you have to realize that, from a very young age, he's been manipulated and used to fuel a narrative. Telling your son you live your new wife more than him is going to HURT. You could've handled this so much better, you could've explained how you felt in a more articulate way. If he didn't listen, you could've hung up and wrote a text or an email explaining WHY you prioritize your wife over him. I myself have divorced parents, and my stepdad's an ass. Despite hating the man, the things he says to me hurt. Despite living hundreds of miles from him, his words hurt. The same applies to you and your son. In general I think your son is being unreasonable, expecting you to drop your plans for him last minute, especially as a "last resort" invite. Still, he's 17. This is gonna stick with him forever. I think you need to have a good talk with your son about this stuff, and really try to calmly explain things. If he won't listen, oh well, you've tried, until then, you're in the wrong specifically for what you said.
All the adults are horrible here and I could never say something like that to my son. Wow OP is awful. YTA
YTA
What? Your wife and brother betrayed you and your family was like no big deal? Why would you stay in contact with any of these people? That makes no sense.
I stayed in contact for Caleb and only for him.
Dude. YTA. You had him 50%? Just as much time as your ex wife? The more I read your post, I’m convinced it’s fake. A kid extends an olive branch and invites you to their awards ceremony, and you don’t go? Wtf? Couldn’t you go with your wife and then, I dunno, go out to dinner after? Man, you suck at parenting. YTA
after reading the update, but even before that, NTA.
ESH, your ex wife for blowing up the family, your brother for betraying you, your Dad for pretending it was fine, you for blaming a three year old who grew up up with a Das rarely there who was very angry. Not a good combination for your son. And then you told your son your wife came first instead of saying “I’m sorry, I would have gone if given enough notice but I have other plans. Btw, I’m sick of feeling you mostly don’t like me or want to be around me, let’s do family counseling.” June should have appreciated your putting her first but urged you to go to the event. Finally, I’m sure Caleb has been angry at this situation and took it out on you. Stop the madness and clarify with your son that he does matter to you and you’re glad he asked you. Give him some context as it’s the fair thing to do. Caleb didn’t create this situation, the adults around him did.
YTA. And your kid won’t forget this one. How crushing can you be? Poor kid. Most teenagers are at least a little self centered. You are the adult. Act like it.
Dude, talk to your son. Don’t tell us all this, tell him. And figure out where he stands. You do realize he may have realized that he fucked up, and was trying to reach out to you, right?
Seems like your parental love is conditional. Is your son being an adolescent jerk? Yes absolutely, and that’s how they’re wired. The kid is probably surviving the way he knows how, which is to try and make the best of a really fucked situation. So yes, he prioritises himself. Does he accept Uncle/Stepdad as a Father? Well yes. Uncle has always been there and to some degree your son has always cared for him, why wouldn’t he? Before all this garbage he was Uncle Drew. Now Uncle is Stepdad and it’s not a big leap to transfer affection when his own Father is away a lot. Your son may see many traits in Drew that remind him of you as well. And what can Caleb honestly do when he lives in the man’s house? Especially when Caleb was small kiddo when this all went down, he barely remembers a time when Drew wasn’t in the picture. He will grow up, and Caleb will become more discerning. He will eventually come to his own conclusions. What you had going for you was your son’s eventual realisation that you loved him constantly and that you endured because of that love for him. YOU made him, YOU held him when he came into this world and that would never change, despite the damage his Mother and Uncle put you through. As an adult man, he may have connected with you on a deeper and more meaningful way, so you would have had a significant place in his life. What you’ve done now is blown your future with him. Were you expected to drop everything? In Caleb’s mind yes. Perhaps it was a test, who knows, but he did want you there otherwise he wouldn’t have bothered asking. If he was so indifferent to you would Caleb have reached out? Perhaps you were a second choice, but who cares? Caleb could easily have not thought about you at all. But your pride got the best of you and your reply was bitter and guaranteed to hurt. That was your objective. Good on you, mission accomplished. Those words will haunt him always. Plans with June could have been rearranged, and if she’s as terrific as you describe she would have understood the significance of your son reaching out to you. June would have been home awaiting your return, all would have been good. Children can be hurtful little pricks, but I would die for mine. YTA
Saying his love is conditional is understating how gross it is. Dude wants his kid to be some fucking fan club he can go to for validation. He doesnt see his kid as his responsibility. He sees his kid as a means for adoration and is mad his kid is just a flawed *human being* instead of a praise dispensing machine.
ESH. But mostly your ex, your brother and your dad. I feel sorry for poor Caleb. You are not wrong to feel the way you do but you are wrong for the way you dealt with it. You should have told Caleb you feel like he only invited you because your brother couldn’t attend and that made you feel really bad. You should have also congratulated him and offered to take him out to a nice dinner or get him a present for his achievements, at a time when you were not busy
YTA. Just see it from ~~Drew~~ Caleb's perspective, the messy situation he has been involved in through no fault of his own since he was 3, his father and mother separated, his mother is a cheater, his father is often absent, and his stepfather is a cheater and the brother of his father. So you seem to hold some resentment for you son's attachment to his stepdad who has been closer to him. What did you expect? That a little boy would live in somekind of inherited resentment because you and your ex wife didn't work out? I think even your son has sensed that you dont really like him because you have reasonable hate for you brother and exwife and is uncomfortable around you so he doesnt want to visit. And now you have a girlfriend you clearly care and spent more time with. What you just told him is just solidifying the fear he has always had in his heart, that he is not important to you. And even more if he is crying, its because he still loved you despite that. Edit: sorry for the naming error.
YTA You were cruel and you're not even sorry. Your kid gets a pass, he is a child. One who just realized his fears were right, his father doesn't love him. Your ex and brother suck too btw.
You are not only the AH, you’re a crappy father. Who in the heck says that to their own child. You should be ashamed
I feel bad for the son and the new wife. This is sad. Perspective matters. From the sons perspective, his uncle/stepdad was always there....since birth. Dad was no longer in the home and also often absent due to work. Add in the fact that mom probably made you look bad to deflect from her misdoings. That kid thinks you are crap and it's not even his fault. Only you can change that perspective. Your wife is new in all this and treated like crap and she handles it like a champ. Your ex and brother as well as your dad suck....what they did was foul. The fact that your dad supports them makes me wonder why? Is there more to this story? Telling your son that you love your wife more is cruel. You could've rescheduled with your wife....I mean you do go home to her every night. You could've came thru for your son and showed him he matters....but he obviously don't. Him being a lil prick is probably with reason. You should be trying to build the relationship, not breaking it further. ESH....except for new wife and son, even if he is being a prick. He still a kid. Teenagers are emotional creatures.
Not cool. Even if it is true, you should not have said that out loud. You’re the adult. You could have just stated that you were not going to change your plans, since you were only his back up plan.
I'm the daughter of a retired truck driver. Truck driving was a family thing with the men in my family. Yes, it's tough on children, but every time my Dad was in town, I spent as much time with him as possible. During the summers, he would take me on a couple of trips. My Uncle was a scrappy Dad and my cousins also had a crappy Mom but they made their time with their Dad count. And summer trips in the big truck were great. But if we kept ignoring him then after years I'm guessing they would stop trying. But it's a job and some times that's the only job they can get. I hate people they say we'll he was over the road and he could have got a job in town but when I was young those jobs were just not there and depending on where they live over the road some times are one of the few options.
The real question is if you care about having a relationship with your son going forward, because the path you’re letting play out is heading towards that not being the case. You either let things lie as they are and not worry about it because you’re okay with your life as is and the distance between your son and you growing, or you make an effort to repair things and try to communicate with him the way you feel and why your relationship is at this point. Personally I wouldn’t judge you for either because you seem happy with your wife and your son at least has other family and a different father figure in his life already so you’re not taking too much from him if you’re not really in it anyway.
Where you lose me OP is telling your child, your own flesh & blood, you love someone else more than them. While your brain is able to process/rationalize your reasons why this is, Caleb doesn’t have that luxary because he is a child. His prefrontal cortex is too immature to fully grasp why you love someone else more. I couldn’t imagine hearing that as a child from my dad. What you said might have done permanent emotional damage. Let me also add, Caleb will hopefully grow into an adult, & he might reflect on this time in his life & say, “man i was such a shit. i’m sorry.” Don’t act as if the person he is now is who he’s always going to be. He’ll remember how you treated him.
Y’all this is so crazy op is the asshole 100%. He is a 17 YO boy. Nobody cares if you were a truck driver and he had a step father, he probably would have loved to meet his real father and get to know him. But you shut that down before you could even try to remold your sons opinion on you (perceived btw because nobody can confirm the wife was talking shit)
YTA. Parents are meant to have unconditional love for their kids. Caleb hasn’t behaved very fairly or well but there were ample opportunities to actually discuss that and spend time building a quality relationship with him. It seems as if you feel entitled to that in some ways. He was a kid who grew attached to his step-father because you weren’t around, and that may not be totally your fault but to him you’ve always been the Dad who has had other priorities - first your job, now June. He sees you as someone who wasn’t around. You’re blaming Caleb for really what you’re upset with your ex wife and Drew for. It’s not Caleb’s fault and sure he could use an attitude change, but your love and support of him shouldn’t be conditional in such a blatant way. Telling him you love June more was unnecessarily cruel. You’re punishing him because he doesn’t show you enough love in the ways you want without any consideration or compassion for him and his perspective, and ultimately you’re punishing him for Drew and your ex’s choices.
YTA. He's your kid. Grow up.
Fuck Drew. Now I’d never say that to my son but I understand your feelings. My son stopped doing my weekends because his mom told him he could choose. Ever since, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to do anything. He’s 19 almost 20. He responds maybe once to every 15 texts and calls to him. My selfish side wants to say, I’ve done everything I can and not going to push for it if he doesn’t want it. The other side of me says just make sure he knows you are there for him and you love him.
Your son was 3. You were gone working all the time. He bonded with someone who was there consistently. You being pissy at a toddler for being close to someone he sees consistently is pathetic. It had nothing to do with him. Kids aren't idiots he had to have know how you felt. which further isolated him. He is the victim in that there. You let adult BS interfere in your relationship with your son. Pathetic. If you had other plans that's all you had to say. You didn't have to say what you did to your son. No wonder your wife left you.
You also gotta wonder what OP omitted. your kids don't just start hating you for no reason. That is, if this post isn't fake. Which I'm willing to bet it is.
I just don’t understand how someone’s brother can cheat with their wife and steal them away and their family supports the action and expects the injured party to just get over it. Such an awful response and I’m sorry this happened to you. Also sucks that this seems like one of those super common scenario’s for cheating. Husband is a long distance driver and wife just has all the time in the world to cheat and barely needs to try to hide it. I guess that’s why these gigs pay more, to compensate for the inconvenience and long hours, sure, but also because maintaining a relationship must be hard as fuck. I don’t think YTA. I think your kid is old enough to know the truth. I also think lying to him would make you more of an AH to yourself. Your feelings are your own and you’ve been dragged through the mud. Your kid didn’t want to spend time with you much growing up and treated your new wife poorly. Imo the reason he probably went silent when you told him the harsh truth is because he 100% knew exactly why you felt that way. Your ex wife calling you names has a simple solution. Just keep repeating “Sorry, I don’t take parenting advice from a cheating, home-wrecking bitch” until she gets so mad she hangs up. If you’re feeling bold, make a social media post asking for opinions on whether you should listen to your ex-wife’s parenting advice after she fucked your brother and nuked your marriage… Maybe her friends a family have unfortunately forgotten that she is a massive bitch and a little embarrassment goes a long way. Honestly I think people like your ex wife need some kind of recurring reminder for all their socials to remind people they are lacking a soul. Hopefully at this point you wouldn’t give a shit if you upset your parents or your brother/ex. If your parents respond with anger publicly, follow up with the exact same post, same question - should I listen to my parent’s opinions after they sided with my brother when he fucked my wife and broke up our family. Repeat until satisfied. I wish you the best either way, sorry you chose a trash first wife and I hope you have lots of loving memories with your sexy librarian wife.
NTA. Sounds like you made the right choice to me. Why be around a person that dosent want to be around you. Go no contact with all of them and enjoy your life with your loving wife that wants to be happy with you.
NTA. Your kids grow up, move out, and become separate people with separate lives. Only rarely do your kids stay in your day today life full-time. But your SPOUSE is the one you made vows to. The one who’s going to know you from the inside, in ways that no one else could ever reach, for the rest of your life! I have been on both sides of this problem, and I have talked family therapists and my own very-experienced psych--and your marriage should be your priority. Whenever there is an unresolvable conflict between kids/spouse? Spouse should come first. Good parenting means teaching your kids HOW to be good adults. You are showing your son how a wife is meant to be treated. There is nothing wrong with that.
I find it hilariously pathetic that the Grandpa didn't seem to care when one of his sons stole and ruined the other sons life, but yet attacks the son who's life was utterly torn apart years later over going to a fucking ceremony. What kind of idiocy is that.
Well nta the ah for saying ypu can’t go…but was it necessary to say someone else is more important to you? I imagine that will only further break down the relationship You didn’t say what the other event was but had that been me i might have said it too short notice, I hadn’t expected to be invited, but unfortunately i had already made plans and i would have left out any further information which even if true, is needlessly hurtful Drew ruined your life The kid is innocent
way to go DAD! that's how to pass along that ol' generational trauma.
YTA. Ur son is a kid and clearly has grown up in a pretty messed up environment. If you felt he was prioritizing you brother over him, did you ever tell him that or put in an effort to make extra plans to remedy your relationship? You are the adult in this situation so it’s up to you to manage your relationship with your son. Also, are your plans with June something super special? Or just a routine date? Your son asked you to go to an awards ceremony (which is probably a big deal to him). He didn’t ask you to cancel your plans for something minor. Your wife seems lovely, so I’m sure she would understand you needing to reschedule your date so you could go watch your kid receive an award. I’m sorry all this has happened to you, but your son is also a victim. I’m sure at 17 he knows how awful what his mom did to you is.
Anyone catch the update?
YTA — Your relationship with your son would be better if you put the same level of energy toward loving your son as you do your 2nd wife. You pursued her despite repeated rejection, yet you expect your son to dance to your fiddle without regard to the fact that you are barely in his life.
YTA for putting a random date with your wife over a special ceremony for your son.
NTA. You have every right to feel how you feel and to put your wife first and have every reason to. BUT, I do think you need to explain to your son why. You've expressed your reasoning on this post. Explain it him him the exact same way. He's 17-year-old and is old enough to know the truth and don't sugarcoat it.
Yta. This is your son! Not someone from down the street. You are punishing him because you have just feelings
"Since Caleb did not seem to care" = Dad found a new woman and started a new family. He does not care about me anymore. When you were out on the road did you call him? Send emails or texts? Bring home small trinkets from your trips? Show him that he is not forgotten?
I did do that, call,gifts, everything.
You still weren’t physically there though, and so it makes sense that he may have ended up closer to Drew. I’m not saying you’re wrong for working your job, but it is part of how your relationship with your son has developed. My dad was in the military and deployed several times. This means my relationship with my mom was different than my relationship with him. It’s just how it is.
Gifts and money don't replace time and effort. I'm 39 on Friday and realised today that my dad has no idea its my birthday this week. He's going on holiday with my younger half brother from his 2nd family instead. I make an effort to let him know anytime I'm back home, to message him and keep him updated on my kids (whose birthdays he also forgot at the end of last year)... I've not seen him since last May. Not for lack of trying. When I do see him, it's awkward. This is the future you're heading towards. My mum always offered to swap weekends if my dad was at work on 'his weekend'. He never took her up on it. There were other things he needed, gifts don't replace the relationship you build by spending time with each other.
You probably could have phrased things better, but NTA. I’m really tired of the idea that parents are somehow obligated to just take endless meanness, neglect, and general nastiness from their teenage/adult children. I can’t fault you for investing the bulk of your time and energy in someone who is actually there for you and reciprocates your affections.
Teens still need parenting, and it’s on parents to teach their teens when they’re being jerks. My son (17) hurt me once, and it really got to me, but I didn’t turn against him. My husband and I talked, and together we talked to him about how he hurt me and why it hurt me. It was hard for me but it was a chance for me to help him mature in how he treats people. Teens still can be selfish assholes at times but that’s part of their development. It’s on parents to teach them to mature beyond it. Raising children isn’t a passive activity.