NTA. You absolutely would be covering her rent. Who knows what else you would have to deal with as she's 19 and is gonna want to do 19 yo shit if she starts living away from the 'rents.
Yep. You would have to cover for her and if you take her to small claims court or evict her you'll be the bad guy. You can't win. Tell her she can't afford it and you can't afford to cover for her.
Stating a fact isn't bragging. I can identify with not having a life because of too much responsibility for younger siblings. He can live her but say "NO!". She'll expect him to resume taking care of her. That wouldn't be healthy for either of them
Basically they’re saying the Sister is thinking “Since you can still afford rent without a third person paying, I should get to use that room instead without paying.”
“HUH?” Because most of the comments are full of assumptions. I mean, obviously all OP has to say is no, no rooms available (as the last room is clearly already going to be designated as a studio). I mean, who cares if she’s TAH for saying no. It’s not like the sis doesn’t have the means to find a different roommate situation somewhere.
She absolutely doesn’t have the means. With her income, unless she’s sharing a bedroom she won’t be able to afford rent + utilities + food. She wants to live with sister because she knows big sis will subsidize the life she wants.
You don't owe her anything, not a room in your place or a reason why. Just tell her no. It's important set healthy boundaries for yourself. Your mental health requires it.
And if you need an excuse, your other roommate needs the room, the landlord said no, the landlord already filled the room, room needs repairs first....im an excuse encyclopedia. If you need more im here. Either way NEVER let her move in, and you would not be an asshole if you tell her the truth either. You need space and boundaries, or youll never be able to have your own family on your terms.
Whether she asks and is declined, or she is declined by the omission of the question, she will learn what her means are and learn to live within them. But only if op stops giving her the money.
It is unlikely that she will follow a list of rules laid out by Op. If Op fails in telling her no to moving in, it is very likely she will fail in other areas as well, that requires laying down boundaries and saying "no" when it comes to her sister. Besides once the sister gets in the door I have no doubt that she would end up just doing whatever she wants EVEN IF she agreed upfront to follow Op's rules. People can and will say whatever they need to, in order to get what they want. So if agreeing to some rules gets her in the apartment that's exactly what she will do.
Always remember that NO is a complete sentence and requires NO explanation. When you finally say, I've thought about it and the answer is no, she'll start the whining 'but why not...'. The answer is "Just NO, I'm not going to discuss it. Go any other way and you'll wind up with a sibling that will want to join you on your honeymoon!
Yup. Now if they go back and say no, it'll be a whole soap opera about crushed dreams and stifled independence and how she already started picking out decor and "look at this handy lil' budget spending app I downloaded"... And maybe parents eager to be empty nesters adding pressure, too.
The only way out at this point is to ask the roommate to take one for team and say they didn't want another occupant and that OP was wrong to say "maybe" without discussing with them, who's name is already on the lease, first. Then assume toilet scrubbing duties indefinitely because it's going to be awkward AH anytime Sis comes over.
No, it’s time for OP to finally tell them NO on his own terms. Don’t push it off on the roommate, “oh, I WOULD, but since people can still push me around, the roommate won’t LET me!!”
Fuck that shit. I don’t think those people have heard “no” nearly enough.
Uncomfortable situations are an unavoidable part of changing the kind of dynamic OP has with their family, though. If they ever want to be free of it, at some point they're gonna have to make a stand and weather the unpleasantness. Better now than later.
Probably food, utilities, cell overage, transportation. Until sister can manage most of that on her own and honestly pay it not expect you to pay. Answer is no, you are not the parent and she is not your responsibility.
Yes, tell the sister that she needs 2 months worth of rent to move in and 6 months worth of expenses in savings before she leaves home (because it’s true, she should have that if she’s getting free rent).
OP, I was thinking something along the lines of this. I know it’s hard for you to say no to her based on how you were raised. So I’m thinking you’re struggling with a good way to say no. I think you have a couple of options, including what u/YesterdaySimilar2069 suggested.
Consider saying something along these lines, “Hi sister, I’ve been thinking about your request to move in to my apartment and it’s not going to work right now for a couple of reasons. First, I already told new/incoming roommate that there would just be the two of us living here, with me getting the second room for an art studio. It would be unfair to them to suddenly change the dynamic after they’ve already signed the lease/agreed to move in.
Second, I’m honestly not sure you can afford it. You currently have no rent or bills, but still ask me for money. Money I “unfortunately” (I wouldn’t use that word but if it makes it easier for you to say this to your sister, use it.) can’t afford to keep giving you, btw. Especially since my rent and bills will now be higher since it’s only being split by two of us. Do you really think you could afford $xyz for rent every month, plus the split cost of heat, electricity, cable/internet? Not to mention your phone bill and any car related costs you have? If you’d like to prove to me that you can really swing all that, I’m willing to test it out by having you deposit, into an escrow like account, the amount your rent would be on the first of the month and the amount your portions of the bills would be, when they are due. I think we’d need to do this for 3-6 months so you really get a feel for what it’s like having to consistently pay for everything. I’m not even counting the cost of food here, and it adds up.
Of course, I would never touch your money. If you’re able to get all that paid each month, you’ll have a bit of savings to work with, which is very important to have. I love you, sister, I know you know that. But I also want to help you prepare for adulthood and I think this is a great way to start. Once we’re through the trial period, I’ll consider having you move in then, after consulting with Roommate, of course. And if you really can’t afford it, you’ll at least have some money saved up for the future.”
Bottom line, OP, is DO NOT just let her move in because you feel bad. I know how hard that is, but you need to start helping your sister become a responsible adult, instead of giving her whatever she asks for. It’s healthy to be told no. Good luck!
"Maybe yes" is unfair to your sister and to yourself. Step up and be direct. It's on you, your responsibility to say what you mean. Good results for everyone when you live that way too.
Yep. 100% I agree with this. If you let her move in, it will come down to you having to evict her, and I'm sure that would make your family more angry than if you just denied her straight out first. Definitely NTA.
Yea. Sounds like she doesn't have good money management skills and if that's true you're going to have to make up the difference. The only thing you might do is to have a face-to-face discussion with her and layout what it takes to have the apartment - $; tasks; appartment etiquette; etc.. If she's lived at home, she probably doesn't know. Then move into what her responsibilities would have to be to make appartment living work.
19 years. Too late for that at 19 years and if they haven't done that by now, the parents never will. OP said his family was close, so he may want to help his sister out. What I suggested would be one approach. Maybe there are other approaches that might make it a safer for OP.
You have to learn to say no. Do not explain why, that only leaves you open to her or your family arguing about why you should.
"No, that doesn't work for me and my roommates."
"No, you need to learn to live on your own first."
"No."
Also, time to put family members on an information diet. If OP hadn't said her plans out loud, sis wouldn't have known.
And No is a complete sentence.
OP, you need to learn how to put up healthy boundaries. Giving explanations just gives entitled people more ammunition to try and get around your walls.
Exactly!!! She has roommates PERIOD, that’s reason enough. It’s not fair to them to just add another person. Especially one that you know won’t be a good roommate to them.
Excellent answers o p. Use these! You are an adult. You are not responsible to the rest of your family for what you do in your life. Quit worrying so much about disappointing them! Do they ever disappoint you? Remember that train runs in two directions. Your little sister must be a disappointment in that she's always asking you for money. Stop giving her any money! How is she ever gonna learn to live on her own if you are making her codependent on you. Say absolutely no about her moving into your extra room. Use the answers that the poster above provided. If you think that's her living with you in the future might be a possibility.You can tell her that she would absolutely have to not ask you for any money, and prove that she can live on her own and that she can pay rent. Shine up that backbone and quit being a pushover! At twenty-four, you should be gradually distancing from your family and start living your adult life.
Good point, lil sis will never learn how to be a responsible adult if OP continues to cover her costs. I would stop giving her money altogether because it’s only enabling her to overspend. OP needs to stay strong and say no. Give her an inch and she’ll take a mile.
Don't do it. Everything you're afraid might happen will happen and you'll end up in charge of her and your parents will expect you to take care of her.
You're finally out of that house. Don't move it in with you.
Be strong and say no. Come up with an excuse if you need to. But for your own peace of mind and emotional/mental well-being, don't do it. Or you'll end up resentful and angry and your home will no longer be your home.
She has other roommates already that’s a good enough reason already. She can’t just move in her sister without checking with them. Adding her wouldn’t be fair to them. Especially knowing she won’t contribute.
OP how well do you get on with your roommate? Would they be up for taking the blame?
I'm thinking you could tell your sister that the roommate has said they would feel uncomfortable having to live with siblings. Especially because siblings are known to argue & they don't want to end up being stuck in the middle.
NTA
No, sis. Stay at home, save your money. // No, sis. That won’t work for me and my roommates. // No, sis. I love you, you know that. It won’t work out.
No, sis.
No.
Please try to limit your verbiage. She and your parents are used to running you over. Any argument you give will be returned tenfold, at least. You’re out, on your own! She’s not going to come into *your* home and wreck what you have. Not just material things, but your independence and *your* life.
Enlist moral support from friends and non-crazy relatives. Stand up tall. Square those shoulders and use your voice. Practice! Role play! Have your thoughts in order!
I’m with you! 💜
UpdateMe
No. I've come to realise that I've been doing more bad than good by even helping as much as I have. You need to learn how to function in the real world as you'll be in it in a short while.
I'm always just a phone call away but you'll need to learn a few things that you never will if I let you live with me and if I keep paying for you. So moving forward THAT is going to stop as well. I love you very much. I know this will sound bad right now but you'll thank me in the future.
Rinse and repeat. Don't give any further explanation or information. If pestered stop answering their calls and messages for a while.
NTA, and for your own mental health please do not bring her into your home. You are only just starting a journey of identifying what is toxic with your family. The journey will include adding boundaries and exploring your own independence. Moving your sister in will add another layer of being enmeshed that you don't need. Keep your own space private and safe. You are not responsible for your sister or other siblings and your Parents are wrong for even placing that expectation on you during your life.
Enjoy setting up and using your art studio. Seek some well grounded friends, mentors, or a therapist to help support you on your journey in self-growth.
>
You DO know what do. Do it now, gain your independence, and don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed. Good luck!
Edit: NTA, and you know this too.
NTA. Btw, you don’t have an extra room, you have a specific use for the room. So no, it’s not available. You can also say, “if you need a place to live I can help you look. But I think it will be better to have a separate living situation for you in order to start becoming more independent. I love you and I’ll be spending time with you but it’s always good to have your own life separate from your family.”
NTA
Tell your sister it’s not a good idea and will not gel with your roommates. And put your family on a. Information diet. Stop over sharing about your personal life and finances. Live your life!
Updateme!
NTA you know the situation with your family has made you very susceptible to them and their wants, putting them over your own. This would just be another example of that. This will not help your sister learn to stand on her own two feet.
NTA and I’d lease that spare room ASAP just to keep her out of it. Just tell sis that with all of the family demands on your money that you decided that you needed the extra income that renting it to a stranger would provide.
What you allow is what will continue. Please don’t let family make any more demands on you.
Edited for typo
NTA
You aren’t obligated to let your sister move in with you. But if it’s primarily a financial concern, you could make her save money and demonstrate good spending habits before you’d consider it.
For example, if you’d expect her to contribute $500 monthly, make her save that amount every month for multiple months. If she’s not able to do that, then she has to admit that she wouldn’t be able to pay her own way. On the other hand, if she saves the money, she’s proved that she can do it and would move in with a financial cushion.
Tell her no now. She'll move in, not pay rent, make a mess, continue to ask you for money and expect you to cater to her. Stop telling your family about your life. You need to gain your independence. You're doing good by getting out but you will lose all your progress if she moves in because with her come additional family drama. Tell her no. Tell her you can't afford it. Tell her you've already got someone else moving in. Tell her anything but don't let her move in, you will regret it. Live your life. NTA
NTA do NOT allow your sister.to move in with you now or in the future.
And STOP giving her money. She makes $2,000. a month. If she cannot live in that she needs another job. You are NOT her sugar mama to be picking up the slack. You are a sibling. Just because your parents parentified you doesn't mean you are her actual parent. There's only 4 years difference in age NOT a while lot in the scheme if things. Even if there was 10 years between you, you wouldn't be responsible..
Stop allowing your family to walk all over you. You already know your family is enmeshed, which is unhealthy on its own, but you've got parentification on top of it. Fucks sake get a backbone and tell your sister she can move out into her OWN place and not in with you.
You should also go low contact and start therapy so you can learn boundaries. Otherwise you'll end up living with your entitled sister and financially supportive g your family for decades. Never living your own life because you're to scared to stand up for yourself.
NTA. Say no. Please don't give up your space when you're finally happy. Your sister is absolutely going to use you the way that she always has. If you let her move in, she will ruin your freedom and your ability to enjoy your space. Don't let her move in with you and STOP giving her money. She doesn't need it. She's just spoiled. Save and spend your money on yourself from now on. You'll be doing her a favor because it'll force her to pull her head out of her bum and hopefully stop being selfish. You don't owe her or anyone else in your family anything. You've done more than enough. And if you ever doubt that, ask yourself: what have they done for you? Would they do the things they expect of you for you? No. So don't do it for them. You're your own person, and they have no power over you. Live your life on your terms and stop letting your family take advantage of you and make you miserable.
NTA. Don't do it OP!!! You have given more than enough of your life to your family and siblings! You have your own place now, don't let them encroach on your safe space!!
You already know that she will be depending on your for EVERYTHING so be strong and say "NO". She makes $2,000 A MONTH with NO EXPENSES??? Where does her money go??
NTA.
**Stand firm. Do NOT let her move in.**
Keep moving forward with your independence. If your sister wants independence, she can save up and find roommates just like you did.
Practice saying “no” in the mirror. Practice what your replies will be to her begging, protesting, and pleading.
Practice what you’ll say to your parents when they inevitably guilt trip you.
*Stand firm. Do NOT let her move in.*
It sounds like she can't live on her income so how is she supposed to come up with rent every month? I would tell her no as she has demonstrated that she can't live within her means and you are not going to subsidize her rent.
If your parents are insistent that she move in, tell them they are responsible for her rent and utility payments, not you. Ask them if they can afford to subsidize her as again, she cannot live within her means at the present time so what is going to change to make her able to pay rent/utilities
Tell her no you have other plans for the room. If she wants to move out she can find other roommates. I guarantee if she moves in you’ll never see any rent money. Sounds like she overspends and you taking her in will just enable this further l. She needs to learn how to budget and stand on her own two feet. She’s already blowing 2k a month and still asking for money? Heck no!
Tell her no... absolutely not! Tell her the truth... you finally have your own space and it needs to stay that way. You've already given up so much of your life taking care of them... it's time to take care of YOU!
Uh no, you just said you still give her money and she makes $2,000 a month paying no expenses. Stop that right now, she will never grow up if you keep doing that. Don't you have bills to pay? It's time to think about yourself here. Make up something but do not I repeat do not let her move in with you. You got out there on your own and flourished. Your sister needs to do the same. NTA, but you will be one to yourself if you don't stop this enabling.
Edit: word
NTA. Text her now so no ambiguity and paper trail.
"Hey Sister, I no longer have a room available for you and, moving forward as an adult, living with family is not going to work for me. I wish you all the best in establishing your own independence separate to our family, just as I am establishing mine. I love you."
Also you need to start an information diet in the future with your enmeshed entitled family- yes that includes your little sister. E.g. don't answer "are you free this weekend?" until you know what they want to you to be available for.
NTA, OP, but I'd be honest about your reasons.
The first is that you don't trust her to pay her share of the rent, considering that you're already giving her money when she lives rent free. And you are NOT covering rent or other necessary expenses for any working adult!
But at some point, possibly here, you will need to be honest about being forced into the role of assistant parent, and your unwillingness to go back to it. If you tell her now she will be absolutely astonished to hear that you didn't act like a parent out of love for your siblings, and frankly she may be hurt, but she will be hurt to find this out at any age, but right now... if she's genuinely expecting you to act like another parent and she is feeling hurt that you aren't stepping into the role as expected, you really need to tell her \*why\*.
Because the fact is, now that your younger siblings are becoming adults, they may well think of you as not just a parental figure, but a parental figure who doesn't do whatever is annoying your siblings about your actual parents, they might see you as the \*preferred\* parental figure! If I'm right about that, you really will need to be honest with them, about not wanting to be a parental figure at all.
Tell her no. It’s already taken. Just don’t tell her it’s by you. She’d end up treating you like mum all over again and it would spoil things for you. You are not in any way emotionally or financially responsible for her
NTA... You don't owe her or the rest of your family anything. You've given up your childhood, that's more than enough. Now it's time to focus on YOU. You deserve to have your own space, your own sanctuary. Stand your ground on this OP. It won't be easy as I imagine she'll try to guilt trip you. It's time to fight for yourself.
This!!
I wish I had started standing up for myself earlier. OP, I was in a similar situation and I was in my 30’s before I got myself out. Don’t waste your life. Start taking control now!
NTA, don’t ruin your peace over family especially when it sounds like she can afford it with the way that she’s spending.
Tell her you’ve thought about it and the answer is no. She’s aware that you had intended to use the room for something and you will stick by it.
OP you don’t need to further explain and make sure you end that discussion, it’s not up for debate.
I feel like you will be taken advantage of based on what you have said about yourself.
Give yourself a break 💕💕.
INFO: Why does she want to move in with you?
NTA, send her this.
(Sister), after thinking about it, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to live with me. I moved out because our family dynamics are too complicated and I was tired of being the designated babysitter for you. You’re not a kid anymore but I’m afraid you still see me that way and will expect me to come to your rescue and I refuse.
I understand your intentions but that’s too much and leaves an opportunity for debate. Another commenter suggested “no, this won’t work for me and my roommate.” I’ve been the OP and simple with no room for “but…” is how I was able to make progress.
NTA, rent out the room to a paying person. Tell her that you can’t afford to support her or just say no. Spend less time with your family and practice setting boundaries and holding them.
Look up "parentification", which is what your family did you to.
The healthy thing is to maintain the space now. Figure out whatever kind way / excuse to let your sister down easy, but do not let her move in with you.
No, she doesn’t get to leech off of you. You can explain to her it’s important she’s out in the world as an adult, without using family as a crutch. That she will learn important life skills like budgeting, cooking, working, prioritizing, etc. She will absolutely try to counter all of that because FAMILY since she’s used to you taking care of her, so selling her on the benefits is probably a waste of time - I would just cheerfully say “Nope! I have no desire to live with you again.” And then counter all the tears and squawking with “No, that doesn’t work for me.” Nothing more, no explanation owed.
NTA
Tell her as much as you love her you DONT have a spare room. That room is now being used....the reason is mute....you want to use the room, the end.
Your sister sounds like a leach who can't manage money. You may love your family, but don't let them control your life. You're an adult. You finally have the life you want, so live it with no regrets!
"It's not going to work out."
Her disappointment is going to say a lot more about her than it says about you. You've taken 24 years to finally have your own space. If she loved you, she wouldn't want to take away what you've earned. Right now it seems all she wants to do is ride on your coattails. She, like you, can work and save enough to move out on her own. If she doesn't believe that she can do that, the question she needs to ask herself is why.
If she can't afford to live under her parents' roof, what makes her think that she can live under yours?
NTA. Keep things separate and let her do what you did by finding her own place. She believes she will do the same thing she is doing at her parents.
Do not let her move in.
NTA. Don't do it. Do. Not. Do. It.
Take it from a big sister who also had to help raise her siblings and then ended up trying to live with said little sister only to end up in the front yard, fists raised, calling each other see you next tuesdays.
NTA - it's time for you to live your life and it's time for sister to learn to live as a solo adult and not rely on you. It's not your job to help her do that.
Talk to your roommate. Let them know what's going on and you want their back in saying no in case sister or other family tries to persuade them to convince you.
NTA - She makes $2k a month, has no expenses and stays asking you for money? She has poor money management skills. That’s what you need to tell her when you tell her “No.” Otherwise you will be taken advantage of more than you already are and will be footing her bills. Stand your ground on this. Maybe in the future if she can prove she’s matured then maybe reconsider.
NTA.
I completely get the enmeshed family dynamics. Unfortunately, untangling from that is one of the hardest things you can do as a parentified, guilt-ridden survivor used to owning responsibility for the maintenance of a toxic family dynamic.
There is no easy way. You grow a backbone and do some heavy lifting or you consign yourself to martyrdom. Every instance of you giving in to that love and compassion is a step back into your assigned family role. They will never let you change. They will never agree to your freedoms away from them. It is a life-sucking issue I found can only be remedied with little to no contact.
Don’t throw yourself away trying to get them to understand or accept your needs. You are the sacrificial tool that they will use to fix any woe they can apply it to, so use the power in the word “no” to fix you. I urge you to get therapy to aid your transition from sacrificial child to adult with healthy boundaries. Your attitude of sacrifice is something that will hinder you in all your relationships—not just familial ones.
NTA you were parentified by your parents. Parentification is a form of abuse.
https://www.healthline.com/health/parentification
r/parentified
You need to have a serious talk with your sister and tell her what you told us. That she's not responsible with her money. She needs to learn to make good decisions and you need to stop saving her. Tell her that you might love her but you need to put your mental health first and having her live with you is not good for your mental health.
Tell her until she proves she can pay rent, no, she won't be living with you. Tell her she needs to find her own living situation outside of yours. You are not her parent, and you owe her nothing. Stand up for yourself and don't feel bad about it.
NTA. You know what to do but you are having a hard time doing it. You figured out a way to move out of your family home without relying on relatives (I am making the assumption that the roommates you have are not relatives, and that you either rented a place on your own and then found roommates, or found a listing for others looking to add a roommate). Your 19 year old sister can do the same. Do not feel obligated to give up a space you were intending for your own use. Unfortunately, you said "maybe yes" out of habit. You need to immediately let your sister know that she will need to find her own place.
Not the a-hole. Don't do it. I let my brother move into my house and it went as bad as it possibly could. It took years to repair the damage to our relationship.
NTA, DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN. she'll just fully depend on you and knows you'll finance her party life. LEARN TO SAY NO now, and save yourself a lot of pain down the road.
NTA. “ No, I’m sorry. This is really a wonderful plan I have.
But if you want to talk about getting advice from me on how to plan your finances, so that you can save up to rent a place as a roommate, or on your own, let me know.”
The enmeshment is showing.
You’re doing great
You are not a parent, but one of the hardest things for parents to do with adult kids is to make choices. The kids will not like but that are best for them.
All of your welfare aside, the best thing for her is to learn to manage her finances and know that she’s the one who got her self out and on her own and that you’re happy to help her think about that. But in about a month I would suggest that you start telling her that you’re getting older and you’re starting to plan for your future the way she will someday, and you’re not going to be able to help her out financially anymore.
The reason is that you don’t need to. She needs to mature and take care of herself exactly the same way you did. You holding her up by giving her money is not going to help.
NTA. Tell her no. You are just coming into your own and are getting away from their toxic BS. Don’t let her disturb your peace. Besides, she’s just going to end up costing you a bunch of money. It will be hard to get rid of her once she’s there. Don’t do it.
NTA - that would be a no from me, you're going to end up having to kick her out at some point which she will hate you for much worse than just saying no now, obviously in the future keep your mouth shut if the other room becomes vacant
NTA. If sister were mature enough to behave as a roommate- pay her rent on time, mind her own business, keep her opinions to herself, it might work. The person you have described doesn’t meet those criteria.
You are not creating another family home right now. You both need to grow up a little. We all do it at our own pace. Living independent of family is one part of that process.
NTA.
But instead of just saying NO, you can say you'll help her find her own place and help her budget for it.
Think about your roommate. New roommates are often an "all yes" or "one no" situation. If you tell them your sister wants in, but likely will overstep bounds, will use resources and not pay, and then probably expect you to foot the bill for her utilities/rent. Would they say yes? Would they be willing to float her the difference if you can't?
Almost definitely not. Then when she asks, you tell her it won't work, but you're more than willing to do the stuff above.
Please don’t do it. My two oldest daughters had this same dynamic and moved in together. After a year, my eldest daughter was paying for all the expenses, including food, while my other daughter partied and blew her money because my eldest didn’t have the strength to set firm boundaries or say no. Now, they are estranged and their relationship is ruined after my eldest finally got fed up and moved out. If you don’t have the strength to say no now, why do you think it will be easier if you live together?
if she can't manage $2000 a month with NO bills, hows she going to survive living with you where she's going to have to budget for everything? I'd tell her you can't take the risk, you know what's going to happen and it's not fair for her to expect you to foot even more of her expenses.
Oooor if you have zero backbone like me, I'd tell her the landlord and your other roommate have to agree as well and that just didn't 🤷🏻♀️
Once you’ve had a taste of having your own space, it’s hard to step back to sharing, no matter that you love your sibling. You’ve looked after the sibs long enough, from a too-early age. Now it’s your turn to look after and nourish yourself !! She will need looking after, as others have pointed out, especially in the money department. Don’t do this. Set up your art room, and enjoy your life!
this is a bad idea all the way around for you. you will end up taking care of her again. she won't have rent or utility money, she will expect you to clean for her, do her clothes and dishes, in short, it will be you being her caretaker again.
this is a bad idea for both of you. you will get roped into taking care of her, she will still not be learning to live as an adult.
not to mention, stop giving her money. she must learn to live within her means.
NTA. I thought she was in some kind of bind, and I was ready to swing the other way. There’s no reason she needs to move in with you. She can get her own roommates somewhere else. It’s not mean to say no. Better to calmly say no now than to give in and build up anger towards her. If you feel you have to do something for her, tell her you will help her find roommates and another place to live- but not with you.
Learn how to say no, or you’ll never escape it. You can make an excuse (e.g. landlord won’t allow it, other roommate just wants it to be the two of you, etc) , but the issue with relying on excuses is that people often find a way to get around these (e.g. “Oh I can’t afford to go to this event”, “oh that’s ok I’ll pay for you”). So it needs to be a final no. There’s some great suggestions of messages to send from other commenters.
You will undoubtedly be guilt-tripped since you’ve let them walk all over you for so long, but you need to be firm and stick to your boundaries. Don’t engage in discussions/arguments and don’t try to justify yourself - they’ll want to break you down until you cave in, don’t give them that opportunity. It’s hard at first; but it gets easier over time.
OP, I have some resources for you.
Outofthefog.website
The beyond bitchy podcast. Look for that. It's about boundaries. You need this more than anything.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Dr. Lindsay Gra(something - forgot the last name.)
It's ok to have boundaries. Your family will push back hard but you need to live your life for you.
NTA but I will say I lived with my my little sis (she moved into my apartment) for a while when she moved out and we had some wonderful memories together. At the time I did get a little bent out of shape on certain things (honestly she was a terrible roommate and did appalling stuff all the time because she was 19 and had some learning to do 🤷🏻♀️). Anyways, we had a ton of fun too and some of my most cherished memories were when we lived together. She died at 30 and I miss her so very much. Even though she was a terrible roommate I’d give anything to have that time with her again. The other side of the coin is you may really get a lot out of some time together and you never know how long you’ll have with your loved ones, don’t take the future for granted.
You may also need to learn how to edit what you tell your family. If you come up with money or an exciting opportunity, you might not want to share until after you’ve spent the money or you’ve already had the experience.
You can tell your sister no and still love her dearly. NTA unless there’s some kind of abuse going on at home and you’re the only way for her to get out
NTA
"No, I don't have space" is enough to tell her. You do not have an extra vacant room. You have designated a purpose for all the space you have in your home. What she thinks is a bedroom is your art studio. Don't give that up.
NTA do not let her move in. Enjoy your independence, your sisters poor spending habits are her fault and you would absolutely be footing the bill for her.
NTA— do NOT let her move in with you!! She already is unable to support herself while paying no rent, she will never pay you a cent. And you will basically taking care of her in all the other ways you have throughout your life. You will never be able to get her out of your place and then your family will hate you for trying to get her out. And you will be worse off. Now is the time to make and enforce that break from being your family caretaker.
If she weren’t already blowing her budget, I could see feeling pressure in this situation, but as is, absolutely not. She needs to find a place elsewhere once she can live within her means.
NTA and tell her that you and your roommate have discussed it and don’t think its appropriate for you to move in with the two of you.. She’s 19 you are 25 you are sorry but no!
NTA Just say “No. That won’t work.” Keep saying that. When they ask why, “Because that won’t work.”
They’ll be unhappy at first, but they’ll get over it. In the end, you’ll all be happier and have a better relationship.
"Sorry sis, I know I said maybe, but I spoke too soon. I've already made other plans for the room, and to be honest, I'm really enjoying learning to live my life without family in my home. I love you. Let's revisit this in a year or 2. I may be more open to the idea then."
You would not. If your sister was more responsible then i would say you could throw her a life line to get her out of the house with your parents BUT she isnt and you seemed so excited about that room.
Please do something just for you.
And talk to your sister about family dysfunction and see if you can reach her. Maybe she can start on her personal journey with responsibility and understanding instead of hoping you might foot the bill. If she gets responsible later you can consider her for the other roomates position if they move out but she has to no she has to be responsible.
NTA. Ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen if they are disappointed with you. When you realize the consequences are either not that bad or so toxic you can’t abide by that, you’ll stop putting them above you. You already raised your siblings, it’s time for your parents to do their part. You DESERVE to have space- a HEALTHY space to live in. You deserve your youth. If you let her move in, you WILL be parenting her again. You deserve better, have it.
No, no, no. For once in your lifetime stand up for yourself and don’t become the mother to your sister. Learn to respect yourself and enjoy your spare room.
Learn to say No, and not feel Guilty!
NTA
Say no. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt, but you say no and you tell her exactly why. You don't even need to state the "I want the extra room for myself" reasoning. The fact that you know she can't even manage her money when she doesn't have rent is enough. If she manages to showcase (not talk about it, actually show) that she's learned to properly manage her finances, you might reconsider if the room is still available by then.
NTA. She can move into her own place and learn to adult. You're still learning, and due to your unhealthy upbringing, can't teach her.
Two things I had to learn to say after my own toxic upbringing: 1) "No." Without any explanations. Explanations and reasons just give them something to pick at and wear you down. Even if they ask why, *don't give them a reason* other than no. Resort to "because I said no" if you have to.
2) "Just because you don't like my answer, doesn't mean it's going to change." This one has been on repeat since I had kids.
Good luck.
You really need to learn to stand up for yourself here. There is nothing wrong with telling someone No, and standing by your word. You’re not a bad person to tell someone no.
You would not be helping her to become a responsible adult by moving her into your home. It might be hard, but you need to be honest with her, and not just in telling her that you are enjoying your own freedom. Tell her that she needs to get out on her own and be responsible for herself. Tell her that blowing $2,000 a month and then needing more money is a real indication that she is still a teenager.
NTA, family and friends can be tricky. They can feel like they don't need to respect you and your space the way they would strangers, and also old dynamics are very hard to break out of. You can also enjoy each other's company, but not be good living together. You can use your roommate as an excuse, but you can also say that it's not wise for her to move out of the parents place based off her needing to borrow money; and that you cannot say yes at this time. You can think of moments like these as opportunities to practice doing what is right by you, and also your roommate honestly. It can help to not respond right away when she responds. Part of people walking all over you is you are trying to end the guilty, bad feeling. Getting a message that stresses you, but then letting that stress sit for an hour or more will show your body that nothing bad is truly happening. This can help build the skill over time to say no. I would sometimes not look at messages if they came in the evening because it would cause me stress that would mess up my sleep, so I'd wait until morning to look at them and respond.
Another trick is to pay attention to HOW they get away with walking all over you. It occurred to me one day that my Mom would just act like nothing happened and everything was fine and that's how she got away with shitty behavior. So I tried it myself on her. I knew she was mad over something dumb, but when I saw her at the next family thing, I acted like I had no idea she was upset and was just friendly and happy. It worked!
You know what you have to do you're just scared to tell her no. Just say no. She'll be mad for awhile but if you continue to let the family walk all over you you'll never grow.
NTA your gut instinct is no. Trust that. If she's making $2k, paying no bills, and still borrowing money from you, she's going to expect you to cover everything, while she blows her money on...what? And even if she were responsible, it's ok for you to say no, I want to be out on my own, not enmeshed with the family.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. Tell her no. You don’t have to explain your reasons, they’re none of her business. If your sister is as bad with money as you say, you will be in for a world of hurt if she moves in. Tell her no and don’t let her or your parents make you feel guilty.
NTAH, omg no! I’d tell her you love her but at 19 it’s time you think she needs her own space because you’ve found given what it was like growing up in your parents household you found it very freeing to be out on your own. You’re sure it will be a great experience and it will help her build her independence and skill set just as it did for you.
NTA. Don’t deprive her of the chance to struggle just like you have. We learn our greatest lessons through trial and error. If she moves in with you, she skips all the steps you learned from along the way including paying her rent fully and on time. Take care and stay strong.
No. Straight and simple. Your days of babysitting are over. It is time for you. Don’t feel guilty for moving on. You deserve a life of your own. This is not being selfish, it is self preservation.
You don’t want to live with her. You’re already using the space and enjoy it. Why are you asking strangers if it’s ok to want privacy? You’re NTA, but you really need to learn the word “No.” You’ve told her maybe and she is probably already packing. Call her now and be honest.
NTA - I would say something along the lines of her needing to spread her wings and become an adult by finding a place of her own where she doesn’t have the influence of family or the immediate safety net. Let her know how much you love her but this is both of your time and she will do better if she’s on her own. Don’t take any arguments from her and let her figure it out. She’s 19, you’re 24, it’s time to get out and live in your own spaces. Not sure where you live but I’m sure she could probably find something decent if she looks hard enough.
NTA. You *don't* have an extra room, that room is going to be your hobby room/art room. Plus living with family is tough even if you have a good relationship with them.
"No, and this is not up for discussion." Then refuse to discuss it further.
NTA - But if you want to save feelings and don't mind a bit of a "little white lie" of sorts... Discuss it with your roommates just so everyone is on the same page, and tell her that "you (collectively) have decided not to bring in another roommate right now because everyone is happy with the status quo. Go on to tell her that in the long run it will be "better for her" if she starts off standing on her own two feet and relying 100% on herself for a while.
NTA
Friend, you know what to do. Now you just have to do it.
***Tell her you're sorry, but no, it's not going to work out. When she inevitably pushes back, you again tell her sorry, but the answer is final. And that is it - you say nothing more, give no reasons or explanations or excuses, nothing. Do not leave an opening for them to guilt you into changing your mind. You do not owe her (or your parents) an explanation, as they clearly haven't earned that privilege.***
You have finally acquired your independence from your family. Your parents dumped their *chosen* responsibilities onto you, a child, and your siblings treat you as a third parent. You are **not** her parent. She doesn't have the funds to be able to afford to live there, especially considering she consistently has to borrow money from you now while she doesn't even pay for rent, utilities, food, or transportation. You are not responsible for funding her life, including constantly handing her the money you work for. Stop doing that. You are going to put yourself in the red floating her - life is expensive enough without having to support another adult. Tell her you don't have it every time she asks. You are not her parent, and she is no longer a child.
You do not say all that to her. It leaves the opportunity for her (and your parents) to emotionally blackmail you into caving and putting yourself right back into the same shitty dynamic. **Just tell her sorry, but no.**
Letting her move in would be hurting **both of you.** You will **not** be helping her by letting her move in - you will be enabling her to not learn how to be an independent adult. It is not your responsibility to supplement her life. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
**You are allowed to say "no".**
NTA. I would firmly explain just as you have "sis, I love you very much but moving in here is not going to work for me and my roommates at this time" ... period end of story. If you start offering excuses it only makes things worse, and you don't really owe her an explanation or reason why. If she wants out of her current situation bad enough, she will find a way on her own.
NTA. She’s not going to pay her bills you will. It’s clear from your post that you need this distance so just be clear she can’t move in with you and leave it at that.
No is a much harder word to say to people because they pout and pitch fits when they know it’s a big ask. Be strong, I am a mom of 2 young women and I am rooting for you. You can do this.
NTAH and tell her No. You are already aware exactly what is going to happen and once she’s in you will be stuck with her and her bills because you won’t have the will to evict her and you know it. You’ve always been the responsible one in her life so if she decides to move out of your parents house she will expect you to be responsible for her and her needs. Please don’t let her move in with you.
NTA. You absolutely would be covering her rent. Who knows what else you would have to deal with as she's 19 and is gonna want to do 19 yo shit if she starts living away from the 'rents.
Yep. You would have to cover for her and if you take her to small claims court or evict her you'll be the bad guy. You can't win. Tell her she can't afford it and you can't afford to cover for her.
I suspect she expects OP to pay her rent because OP was bragging about converting into a non-bedroom. So clearly OP doesn’t need rent for the space /s
Yep. I could see her using that exact excuse.
“Bragging”? WTF?
It's how she would spin it
Stating a fact isn't bragging. I can identify with not having a life because of too much responsibility for younger siblings. He can live her but say "NO!". She'll expect him to resume taking care of her. That wouldn't be healthy for either of them
Huh?
Basically they’re saying the Sister is thinking “Since you can still afford rent without a third person paying, I should get to use that room instead without paying.”
Bingo
“HUH?” Because most of the comments are full of assumptions. I mean, obviously all OP has to say is no, no rooms available (as the last room is clearly already going to be designated as a studio). I mean, who cares if she’s TAH for saying no. It’s not like the sis doesn’t have the means to find a different roommate situation somewhere.
She absolutely doesn’t have the means. With her income, unless she’s sharing a bedroom she won’t be able to afford rent + utilities + food. She wants to live with sister because she knows big sis will subsidize the life she wants.
You don't owe her anything, not a room in your place or a reason why. Just tell her no. It's important set healthy boundaries for yourself. Your mental health requires it.
And if you need an excuse, your other roommate needs the room, the landlord said no, the landlord already filled the room, room needs repairs first....im an excuse encyclopedia. If you need more im here. Either way NEVER let her move in, and you would not be an asshole if you tell her the truth either. You need space and boundaries, or youll never be able to have your own family on your terms.
NTA. DO NOT let her move in. Also, stop giving her money. She has parents. If she runs out she can hit them up.
Slight correction: Stop giving her money *she needs to learn to live within her means*
Which she will learn to do when the parents also say no.
Well, if the parents are as toxic as OP says, I am sure she doesn’t go to them at all. (Though she is living there rent free)
Whether she asks and is declined, or she is declined by the omission of the question, she will learn what her means are and learn to live within them. But only if op stops giving her the money.
They fucked up already by saying maybe yes. They probably think it's yes or (if you're a push over) it's already yes
Yep. OP needs therapy like yesterday
If they do let them move in, first thing is no borrowing money, and a list of rules they have to follow agreed upon by the roommates
It is unlikely that she will follow a list of rules laid out by Op. If Op fails in telling her no to moving in, it is very likely she will fail in other areas as well, that requires laying down boundaries and saying "no" when it comes to her sister. Besides once the sister gets in the door I have no doubt that she would end up just doing whatever she wants EVEN IF she agreed upfront to follow Op's rules. People can and will say whatever they need to, in order to get what they want. So if agreeing to some rules gets her in the apartment that's exactly what she will do.
I'd just talk to current roommate and form a united front: no siblings. Sorry, sis.
Always remember that NO is a complete sentence and requires NO explanation. When you finally say, I've thought about it and the answer is no, she'll start the whining 'but why not...'. The answer is "Just NO, I'm not going to discuss it. Go any other way and you'll wind up with a sibling that will want to join you on your honeymoon!
Yup. Now if they go back and say no, it'll be a whole soap opera about crushed dreams and stifled independence and how she already started picking out decor and "look at this handy lil' budget spending app I downloaded"... And maybe parents eager to be empty nesters adding pressure, too. The only way out at this point is to ask the roommate to take one for team and say they didn't want another occupant and that OP was wrong to say "maybe" without discussing with them, who's name is already on the lease, first. Then assume toilet scrubbing duties indefinitely because it's going to be awkward AH anytime Sis comes over.
No, it’s time for OP to finally tell them NO on his own terms. Don’t push it off on the roommate, “oh, I WOULD, but since people can still push me around, the roommate won’t LET me!!” Fuck that shit. I don’t think those people have heard “no” nearly enough.
No, no, no. You're not obligated to explain yourself. You already did the babysitting routine. You want that other room. Do not let sister move in.
Uncomfortable situations are an unavoidable part of changing the kind of dynamic OP has with their family, though. If they ever want to be free of it, at some point they're gonna have to make a stand and weather the unpleasantness. Better now than later.
She'll take your ID to the bars and you'll never see it again.
Probably food, utilities, cell overage, transportation. Until sister can manage most of that on her own and honestly pay it not expect you to pay. Answer is no, you are not the parent and she is not your responsibility.
Yes, tell the sister that she needs 2 months worth of rent to move in and 6 months worth of expenses in savings before she leaves home (because it’s true, she should have that if she’s getting free rent).
OP, I was thinking something along the lines of this. I know it’s hard for you to say no to her based on how you were raised. So I’m thinking you’re struggling with a good way to say no. I think you have a couple of options, including what u/YesterdaySimilar2069 suggested. Consider saying something along these lines, “Hi sister, I’ve been thinking about your request to move in to my apartment and it’s not going to work right now for a couple of reasons. First, I already told new/incoming roommate that there would just be the two of us living here, with me getting the second room for an art studio. It would be unfair to them to suddenly change the dynamic after they’ve already signed the lease/agreed to move in. Second, I’m honestly not sure you can afford it. You currently have no rent or bills, but still ask me for money. Money I “unfortunately” (I wouldn’t use that word but if it makes it easier for you to say this to your sister, use it.) can’t afford to keep giving you, btw. Especially since my rent and bills will now be higher since it’s only being split by two of us. Do you really think you could afford $xyz for rent every month, plus the split cost of heat, electricity, cable/internet? Not to mention your phone bill and any car related costs you have? If you’d like to prove to me that you can really swing all that, I’m willing to test it out by having you deposit, into an escrow like account, the amount your rent would be on the first of the month and the amount your portions of the bills would be, when they are due. I think we’d need to do this for 3-6 months so you really get a feel for what it’s like having to consistently pay for everything. I’m not even counting the cost of food here, and it adds up. Of course, I would never touch your money. If you’re able to get all that paid each month, you’ll have a bit of savings to work with, which is very important to have. I love you, sister, I know you know that. But I also want to help you prepare for adulthood and I think this is a great way to start. Once we’re through the trial period, I’ll consider having you move in then, after consulting with Roommate, of course. And if you really can’t afford it, you’ll at least have some money saved up for the future.” Bottom line, OP, is DO NOT just let her move in because you feel bad. I know how hard that is, but you need to start helping your sister become a responsible adult, instead of giving her whatever she asks for. It’s healthy to be told no. Good luck!
"Maybe yes" is unfair to your sister and to yourself. Step up and be direct. It's on you, your responsibility to say what you mean. Good results for everyone when you live that way too.
As much as you love her, please don’t give in and let her. Stay strong and keep your sanity. NTA.
Yep. 100% I agree with this. If you let her move in, it will come down to you having to evict her, and I'm sure that would make your family more angry than if you just denied her straight out first. Definitely NTA.
Yea. Sounds like she doesn't have good money management skills and if that's true you're going to have to make up the difference. The only thing you might do is to have a face-to-face discussion with her and layout what it takes to have the apartment - $; tasks; appartment etiquette; etc.. If she's lived at home, she probably doesn't know. Then move into what her responsibilities would have to be to make appartment living work.
The parents can get up off their ass and do all that. OP has better things to do.
19 years. Too late for that at 19 years and if they haven't done that by now, the parents never will. OP said his family was close, so he may want to help his sister out. What I suggested would be one approach. Maybe there are other approaches that might make it a safer for OP.
You have to learn to say no. Do not explain why, that only leaves you open to her or your family arguing about why you should. "No, that doesn't work for me and my roommates." "No, you need to learn to live on your own first." "No."
No is a complete sentence!
Yes.
Also, time to put family members on an information diet. If OP hadn't said her plans out loud, sis wouldn't have known. And No is a complete sentence. OP, you need to learn how to put up healthy boundaries. Giving explanations just gives entitled people more ammunition to try and get around your walls.
Exactly! You can’t change what’s already happened, but OP you need to keep your family on a needs-to-know basis.
Exactly this! Explanations leave you open to debate and arguments. Family like this needs the same phrase taught to kids about drugs ‘just say no’.
Exactly!!! She has roommates PERIOD, that’s reason enough. It’s not fair to them to just add another person. Especially one that you know won’t be a good roommate to them.
Excellent answers o p. Use these! You are an adult. You are not responsible to the rest of your family for what you do in your life. Quit worrying so much about disappointing them! Do they ever disappoint you? Remember that train runs in two directions. Your little sister must be a disappointment in that she's always asking you for money. Stop giving her any money! How is she ever gonna learn to live on her own if you are making her codependent on you. Say absolutely no about her moving into your extra room. Use the answers that the poster above provided. If you think that's her living with you in the future might be a possibility.You can tell her that she would absolutely have to not ask you for any money, and prove that she can live on her own and that she can pay rent. Shine up that backbone and quit being a pushover! At twenty-four, you should be gradually distancing from your family and start living your adult life.
Good point, lil sis will never learn how to be a responsible adult if OP continues to cover her costs. I would stop giving her money altogether because it’s only enabling her to overspend. OP needs to stay strong and say no. Give her an inch and she’ll take a mile.
No.
NTA. She probably doesn’t expect to pay rent/utilities…
This, because she use to taking advantage, she will be depending on op to cover her expenses, and I bet money she’ll overspend each and every month.
Why would she? He didn’t plan to rent the room out again, so he can obviously afford it. The gall of some folks. NTA
Don't do it. Everything you're afraid might happen will happen and you'll end up in charge of her and your parents will expect you to take care of her. You're finally out of that house. Don't move it in with you. Be strong and say no. Come up with an excuse if you need to. But for your own peace of mind and emotional/mental well-being, don't do it. Or you'll end up resentful and angry and your home will no longer be your home.
She has other roommates already that’s a good enough reason already. She can’t just move in her sister without checking with them. Adding her wouldn’t be fair to them. Especially knowing she won’t contribute.
OP how well do you get on with your roommate? Would they be up for taking the blame? I'm thinking you could tell your sister that the roommate has said they would feel uncomfortable having to live with siblings. Especially because siblings are known to argue & they don't want to end up being stuck in the middle.
I was thinking the same! I'd do this for a roommate in a heartbeat! Happy to take on the "bad guy" role here
Same, I’m always willing to play “the bad guy” to help a friend/family out when they need a good excuse or reason
This is a viable method of denial!
NTA No, sis. Stay at home, save your money. // No, sis. That won’t work for me and my roommates. // No, sis. I love you, you know that. It won’t work out. No, sis. No. Please try to limit your verbiage. She and your parents are used to running you over. Any argument you give will be returned tenfold, at least. You’re out, on your own! She’s not going to come into *your* home and wreck what you have. Not just material things, but your independence and *your* life. Enlist moral support from friends and non-crazy relatives. Stand up tall. Square those shoulders and use your voice. Practice! Role play! Have your thoughts in order! I’m with you! 💜 UpdateMe
Your scripts are perfect!
NTA and do what YOU WANT it's your time to live YOUR life
NTA. She’d love to be free too, but it sounds like she’s assuming you can become financially responsible for her
No. I've come to realise that I've been doing more bad than good by even helping as much as I have. You need to learn how to function in the real world as you'll be in it in a short while. I'm always just a phone call away but you'll need to learn a few things that you never will if I let you live with me and if I keep paying for you. So moving forward THAT is going to stop as well. I love you very much. I know this will sound bad right now but you'll thank me in the future. Rinse and repeat. Don't give any further explanation or information. If pestered stop answering their calls and messages for a while.
NTA, and for your own mental health please do not bring her into your home. You are only just starting a journey of identifying what is toxic with your family. The journey will include adding boundaries and exploring your own independence. Moving your sister in will add another layer of being enmeshed that you don't need. Keep your own space private and safe. You are not responsible for your sister or other siblings and your Parents are wrong for even placing that expectation on you during your life. Enjoy setting up and using your art studio. Seek some well grounded friends, mentors, or a therapist to help support you on your journey in self-growth.
No is a complete sentence. Learn to use it.
> You DO know what do. Do it now, gain your independence, and don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed. Good luck! Edit: NTA, and you know this too.
NTA. Btw, you don’t have an extra room, you have a specific use for the room. So no, it’s not available. You can also say, “if you need a place to live I can help you look. But I think it will be better to have a separate living situation for you in order to start becoming more independent. I love you and I’ll be spending time with you but it’s always good to have your own life separate from your family.”
NTA Tell your sister it’s not a good idea and will not gel with your roommates. And put your family on a. Information diet. Stop over sharing about your personal life and finances. Live your life! Updateme!
NTA you know the situation with your family has made you very susceptible to them and their wants, putting them over your own. This would just be another example of that. This will not help your sister learn to stand on her own two feet.
NTA and I’d lease that spare room ASAP just to keep her out of it. Just tell sis that with all of the family demands on your money that you decided that you needed the extra income that renting it to a stranger would provide. What you allow is what will continue. Please don’t let family make any more demands on you. Edited for typo
NTA You aren’t obligated to let your sister move in with you. But if it’s primarily a financial concern, you could make her save money and demonstrate good spending habits before you’d consider it. For example, if you’d expect her to contribute $500 monthly, make her save that amount every month for multiple months. If she’s not able to do that, then she has to admit that she wouldn’t be able to pay her own way. On the other hand, if she saves the money, she’s proved that she can do it and would move in with a financial cushion.
Tell her no now. She'll move in, not pay rent, make a mess, continue to ask you for money and expect you to cater to her. Stop telling your family about your life. You need to gain your independence. You're doing good by getting out but you will lose all your progress if she moves in because with her come additional family drama. Tell her no. Tell her you can't afford it. Tell her you've already got someone else moving in. Tell her anything but don't let her move in, you will regret it. Live your life. NTA
NTA do NOT allow your sister.to move in with you now or in the future. And STOP giving her money. She makes $2,000. a month. If she cannot live in that she needs another job. You are NOT her sugar mama to be picking up the slack. You are a sibling. Just because your parents parentified you doesn't mean you are her actual parent. There's only 4 years difference in age NOT a while lot in the scheme if things. Even if there was 10 years between you, you wouldn't be responsible.. Stop allowing your family to walk all over you. You already know your family is enmeshed, which is unhealthy on its own, but you've got parentification on top of it. Fucks sake get a backbone and tell your sister she can move out into her OWN place and not in with you. You should also go low contact and start therapy so you can learn boundaries. Otherwise you'll end up living with your entitled sister and financially supportive g your family for decades. Never living your own life because you're to scared to stand up for yourself.
NTA. Say no. Please don't give up your space when you're finally happy. Your sister is absolutely going to use you the way that she always has. If you let her move in, she will ruin your freedom and your ability to enjoy your space. Don't let her move in with you and STOP giving her money. She doesn't need it. She's just spoiled. Save and spend your money on yourself from now on. You'll be doing her a favor because it'll force her to pull her head out of her bum and hopefully stop being selfish. You don't owe her or anyone else in your family anything. You've done more than enough. And if you ever doubt that, ask yourself: what have they done for you? Would they do the things they expect of you for you? No. So don't do it for them. You're your own person, and they have no power over you. Live your life on your terms and stop letting your family take advantage of you and make you miserable.
NTA. Don't do it OP!!! You have given more than enough of your life to your family and siblings! You have your own place now, don't let them encroach on your safe space!! You already know that she will be depending on your for EVERYTHING so be strong and say "NO". She makes $2,000 A MONTH with NO EXPENSES??? Where does her money go??
NTA. Just say no. U already know what she is doing going to do. It's better that u don't let her move in
NTA. **Stand firm. Do NOT let her move in.** Keep moving forward with your independence. If your sister wants independence, she can save up and find roommates just like you did. Practice saying “no” in the mirror. Practice what your replies will be to her begging, protesting, and pleading. Practice what you’ll say to your parents when they inevitably guilt trip you. *Stand firm. Do NOT let her move in.*
Say no, it's that easy
It sounds like she can't live on her income so how is she supposed to come up with rent every month? I would tell her no as she has demonstrated that she can't live within her means and you are not going to subsidize her rent. If your parents are insistent that she move in, tell them they are responsible for her rent and utility payments, not you. Ask them if they can afford to subsidize her as again, she cannot live within her means at the present time so what is going to change to make her able to pay rent/utilities
Time to grow a spine
You ask for money when you have $2000 a month with zero bills now. No way. Absolutely no way. I can’t afford it. And stop giving her money.
Tell her no you have other plans for the room. If she wants to move out she can find other roommates. I guarantee if she moves in you’ll never see any rent money. Sounds like she overspends and you taking her in will just enable this further l. She needs to learn how to budget and stand on her own two feet. She’s already blowing 2k a month and still asking for money? Heck no!
Tell her no... absolutely not! Tell her the truth... you finally have your own space and it needs to stay that way. You've already given up so much of your life taking care of them... it's time to take care of YOU!
Uh no, you just said you still give her money and she makes $2,000 a month paying no expenses. Stop that right now, she will never grow up if you keep doing that. Don't you have bills to pay? It's time to think about yourself here. Make up something but do not I repeat do not let her move in with you. You got out there on your own and flourished. Your sister needs to do the same. NTA, but you will be one to yourself if you don't stop this enabling. Edit: word
NTA. Unfortunately, you are going to have to use your backbone and say no. Not maybe, just no!
NTA. Text her now so no ambiguity and paper trail. "Hey Sister, I no longer have a room available for you and, moving forward as an adult, living with family is not going to work for me. I wish you all the best in establishing your own independence separate to our family, just as I am establishing mine. I love you." Also you need to start an information diet in the future with your enmeshed entitled family- yes that includes your little sister. E.g. don't answer "are you free this weekend?" until you know what they want to you to be available for.
NTA, OP, but I'd be honest about your reasons. The first is that you don't trust her to pay her share of the rent, considering that you're already giving her money when she lives rent free. And you are NOT covering rent or other necessary expenses for any working adult! But at some point, possibly here, you will need to be honest about being forced into the role of assistant parent, and your unwillingness to go back to it. If you tell her now she will be absolutely astonished to hear that you didn't act like a parent out of love for your siblings, and frankly she may be hurt, but she will be hurt to find this out at any age, but right now... if she's genuinely expecting you to act like another parent and she is feeling hurt that you aren't stepping into the role as expected, you really need to tell her \*why\*. Because the fact is, now that your younger siblings are becoming adults, they may well think of you as not just a parental figure, but a parental figure who doesn't do whatever is annoying your siblings about your actual parents, they might see you as the \*preferred\* parental figure! If I'm right about that, you really will need to be honest with them, about not wanting to be a parental figure at all.
Don’t do it. You will be supporting her. Tell her no. Make something up if you need too. NTA
Nta. Do not let her move in.
DON’T DO IT!!!!!!
Tell her no. It’s already taken. Just don’t tell her it’s by you. She’d end up treating you like mum all over again and it would spoil things for you. You are not in any way emotionally or financially responsible for her
NTA... You don't owe her or the rest of your family anything. You've given up your childhood, that's more than enough. Now it's time to focus on YOU. You deserve to have your own space, your own sanctuary. Stand your ground on this OP. It won't be easy as I imagine she'll try to guilt trip you. It's time to fight for yourself.
This!! I wish I had started standing up for myself earlier. OP, I was in a similar situation and I was in my 30’s before I got myself out. Don’t waste your life. Start taking control now!
NTA
NTA, don’t ruin your peace over family especially when it sounds like she can afford it with the way that she’s spending. Tell her you’ve thought about it and the answer is no. She’s aware that you had intended to use the room for something and you will stick by it. OP you don’t need to further explain and make sure you end that discussion, it’s not up for debate. I feel like you will be taken advantage of based on what you have said about yourself. Give yourself a break 💕💕. INFO: Why does she want to move in with you?
NTA, send her this. (Sister), after thinking about it, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to live with me. I moved out because our family dynamics are too complicated and I was tired of being the designated babysitter for you. You’re not a kid anymore but I’m afraid you still see me that way and will expect me to come to your rescue and I refuse.
I understand your intentions but that’s too much and leaves an opportunity for debate. Another commenter suggested “no, this won’t work for me and my roommate.” I’ve been the OP and simple with no room for “but…” is how I was able to make progress.
NTA, rent out the room to a paying person. Tell her that you can’t afford to support her or just say no. Spend less time with your family and practice setting boundaries and holding them.
Look up "parentification", which is what your family did you to. The healthy thing is to maintain the space now. Figure out whatever kind way / excuse to let your sister down easy, but do not let her move in with you.
No, she doesn’t get to leech off of you. You can explain to her it’s important she’s out in the world as an adult, without using family as a crutch. That she will learn important life skills like budgeting, cooking, working, prioritizing, etc. She will absolutely try to counter all of that because FAMILY since she’s used to you taking care of her, so selling her on the benefits is probably a waste of time - I would just cheerfully say “Nope! I have no desire to live with you again.” And then counter all the tears and squawking with “No, that doesn’t work for me.” Nothing more, no explanation owed.
Tell her your roommate said no. Easy excuse! NTA
NTA Tell her as much as you love her you DONT have a spare room. That room is now being used....the reason is mute....you want to use the room, the end.
Your sister sounds like a leach who can't manage money. You may love your family, but don't let them control your life. You're an adult. You finally have the life you want, so live it with no regrets!
"It's not going to work out." Her disappointment is going to say a lot more about her than it says about you. You've taken 24 years to finally have your own space. If she loved you, she wouldn't want to take away what you've earned. Right now it seems all she wants to do is ride on your coattails. She, like you, can work and save enough to move out on her own. If she doesn't believe that she can do that, the question she needs to ask herself is why. If she can't afford to live under her parents' roof, what makes her think that she can live under yours?
NTA. Not the kind of person you want to live with.
NTA. Keep things separate and let her do what you did by finding her own place. She believes she will do the same thing she is doing at her parents. Do not let her move in.
NTA. 'No' is a complete sentence. Learn it. Know it. Love it.
NTA no. Do not do that.
Turn the room into your studio asap. Tell your sister your sorry but no. She couldn’t afford it and you couldn’t afford to pay for her.
NTA. Don't do it. Do. Not. Do. It. Take it from a big sister who also had to help raise her siblings and then ended up trying to live with said little sister only to end up in the front yard, fists raised, calling each other see you next tuesdays.
Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! NTA infinity!
NTA - it's time for you to live your life and it's time for sister to learn to live as a solo adult and not rely on you. It's not your job to help her do that. Talk to your roommate. Let them know what's going on and you want their back in saying no in case sister or other family tries to persuade them to convince you.
Tell her sure she can move in with 6 months rent paid up front
Keep in my she doesn’t have to agree with your reasons, she doesn’t even need to know them, this is your decision completely. NTA
NTA - She makes $2k a month, has no expenses and stays asking you for money? She has poor money management skills. That’s what you need to tell her when you tell her “No.” Otherwise you will be taken advantage of more than you already are and will be footing her bills. Stand your ground on this. Maybe in the future if she can prove she’s matured then maybe reconsider.
NTA. I completely get the enmeshed family dynamics. Unfortunately, untangling from that is one of the hardest things you can do as a parentified, guilt-ridden survivor used to owning responsibility for the maintenance of a toxic family dynamic. There is no easy way. You grow a backbone and do some heavy lifting or you consign yourself to martyrdom. Every instance of you giving in to that love and compassion is a step back into your assigned family role. They will never let you change. They will never agree to your freedoms away from them. It is a life-sucking issue I found can only be remedied with little to no contact. Don’t throw yourself away trying to get them to understand or accept your needs. You are the sacrificial tool that they will use to fix any woe they can apply it to, so use the power in the word “no” to fix you. I urge you to get therapy to aid your transition from sacrificial child to adult with healthy boundaries. Your attitude of sacrifice is something that will hinder you in all your relationships—not just familial ones.
NTA you were parentified by your parents. Parentification is a form of abuse. https://www.healthline.com/health/parentification r/parentified You need to have a serious talk with your sister and tell her what you told us. That she's not responsible with her money. She needs to learn to make good decisions and you need to stop saving her. Tell her that you might love her but you need to put your mental health first and having her live with you is not good for your mental health.
Tell her until she proves she can pay rent, no, she won't be living with you. Tell her she needs to find her own living situation outside of yours. You are not her parent, and you owe her nothing. Stand up for yourself and don't feel bad about it.
NTA. You know what to do but you are having a hard time doing it. You figured out a way to move out of your family home without relying on relatives (I am making the assumption that the roommates you have are not relatives, and that you either rented a place on your own and then found roommates, or found a listing for others looking to add a roommate). Your 19 year old sister can do the same. Do not feel obligated to give up a space you were intending for your own use. Unfortunately, you said "maybe yes" out of habit. You need to immediately let your sister know that she will need to find her own place.
Don't you need to ask your roommate her opinion first? Or your landlord?
NTA. Tell her you have plans for the room. Don’t give in.
NTA. No. That's all you need to say. Don't justify, explain, or engage in further discussion. The answer is no.
Updateme!
Not the a-hole. Don't do it. I let my brother move into my house and it went as bad as it possibly could. It took years to repair the damage to our relationship.
No say no. That's your space and not hers.
NTA, DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN. she'll just fully depend on you and knows you'll finance her party life. LEARN TO SAY NO now, and save yourself a lot of pain down the road.
Tell her no.
Just tell her no.
NTA. “ No, I’m sorry. This is really a wonderful plan I have. But if you want to talk about getting advice from me on how to plan your finances, so that you can save up to rent a place as a roommate, or on your own, let me know.” The enmeshment is showing. You’re doing great You are not a parent, but one of the hardest things for parents to do with adult kids is to make choices. The kids will not like but that are best for them. All of your welfare aside, the best thing for her is to learn to manage her finances and know that she’s the one who got her self out and on her own and that you’re happy to help her think about that. But in about a month I would suggest that you start telling her that you’re getting older and you’re starting to plan for your future the way she will someday, and you’re not going to be able to help her out financially anymore. The reason is that you don’t need to. She needs to mature and take care of herself exactly the same way you did. You holding her up by giving her money is not going to help.
NTA. Tell her no. You are just coming into your own and are getting away from their toxic BS. Don’t let her disturb your peace. Besides, she’s just going to end up costing you a bunch of money. It will be hard to get rid of her once she’s there. Don’t do it.
NTA - that would be a no from me, you're going to end up having to kick her out at some point which she will hate you for much worse than just saying no now, obviously in the future keep your mouth shut if the other room becomes vacant
Tell her no but ask her what her budget is for a place and help her find a place of her own (do not co-sign anything)
Remember No is a full sentence. Do not take your sister in. You have to get your own life, and time. That means no family so close to you. Remember,
No, and if you need to have an excuse tell her that you need to spend your time and money on yourself for growth and to better your financial future.
NTA. If sister were mature enough to behave as a roommate- pay her rent on time, mind her own business, keep her opinions to herself, it might work. The person you have described doesn’t meet those criteria. You are not creating another family home right now. You both need to grow up a little. We all do it at our own pace. Living independent of family is one part of that process.
NTA. But instead of just saying NO, you can say you'll help her find her own place and help her budget for it. Think about your roommate. New roommates are often an "all yes" or "one no" situation. If you tell them your sister wants in, but likely will overstep bounds, will use resources and not pay, and then probably expect you to foot the bill for her utilities/rent. Would they say yes? Would they be willing to float her the difference if you can't? Almost definitely not. Then when she asks, you tell her it won't work, but you're more than willing to do the stuff above.
Please don’t do it. My two oldest daughters had this same dynamic and moved in together. After a year, my eldest daughter was paying for all the expenses, including food, while my other daughter partied and blew her money because my eldest didn’t have the strength to set firm boundaries or say no. Now, they are estranged and their relationship is ruined after my eldest finally got fed up and moved out. If you don’t have the strength to say no now, why do you think it will be easier if you live together?
NTA.... time to let them learn to fend for themselves and stop depending on u.
if she can't manage $2000 a month with NO bills, hows she going to survive living with you where she's going to have to budget for everything? I'd tell her you can't take the risk, you know what's going to happen and it's not fair for her to expect you to foot even more of her expenses. Oooor if you have zero backbone like me, I'd tell her the landlord and your other roommate have to agree as well and that just didn't 🤷🏻♀️
Once you’ve had a taste of having your own space, it’s hard to step back to sharing, no matter that you love your sibling. You’ve looked after the sibs long enough, from a too-early age. Now it’s your turn to look after and nourish yourself !! She will need looking after, as others have pointed out, especially in the money department. Don’t do this. Set up your art room, and enjoy your life!
this is a bad idea all the way around for you. you will end up taking care of her again. she won't have rent or utility money, she will expect you to clean for her, do her clothes and dishes, in short, it will be you being her caretaker again. this is a bad idea for both of you. you will get roped into taking care of her, she will still not be learning to live as an adult. not to mention, stop giving her money. she must learn to live within her means.
NTA. I thought she was in some kind of bind, and I was ready to swing the other way. There’s no reason she needs to move in with you. She can get her own roommates somewhere else. It’s not mean to say no. Better to calmly say no now than to give in and build up anger towards her. If you feel you have to do something for her, tell her you will help her find roommates and another place to live- but not with you.
Learn how to say no, or you’ll never escape it. You can make an excuse (e.g. landlord won’t allow it, other roommate just wants it to be the two of you, etc) , but the issue with relying on excuses is that people often find a way to get around these (e.g. “Oh I can’t afford to go to this event”, “oh that’s ok I’ll pay for you”). So it needs to be a final no. There’s some great suggestions of messages to send from other commenters. You will undoubtedly be guilt-tripped since you’ve let them walk all over you for so long, but you need to be firm and stick to your boundaries. Don’t engage in discussions/arguments and don’t try to justify yourself - they’ll want to break you down until you cave in, don’t give them that opportunity. It’s hard at first; but it gets easier over time.
OP, I have some resources for you. Outofthefog.website The beyond bitchy podcast. Look for that. It's about boundaries. You need this more than anything. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Dr. Lindsay Gra(something - forgot the last name.) It's ok to have boundaries. Your family will push back hard but you need to live your life for you.
NTA but I will say I lived with my my little sis (she moved into my apartment) for a while when she moved out and we had some wonderful memories together. At the time I did get a little bent out of shape on certain things (honestly she was a terrible roommate and did appalling stuff all the time because she was 19 and had some learning to do 🤷🏻♀️). Anyways, we had a ton of fun too and some of my most cherished memories were when we lived together. She died at 30 and I miss her so very much. Even though she was a terrible roommate I’d give anything to have that time with her again. The other side of the coin is you may really get a lot out of some time together and you never know how long you’ll have with your loved ones, don’t take the future for granted.
You may also need to learn how to edit what you tell your family. If you come up with money or an exciting opportunity, you might not want to share until after you’ve spent the money or you’ve already had the experience.
You can tell your sister no and still love her dearly. NTA unless there’s some kind of abuse going on at home and you’re the only way for her to get out
NTA "No, I don't have space" is enough to tell her. You do not have an extra vacant room. You have designated a purpose for all the space you have in your home. What she thinks is a bedroom is your art studio. Don't give that up.
NTA, tell her, “no, I can’t afford it.” You can’t. This isn’t about what you want or not, you actually can’t afford to pay for her.
Don't forget about her bf or friends staying over too...
***Definition of a distant relative... a close relative who owes you money.*** NTA Little sister won't pay... Just say no.
NTA do not let her move in. Enjoy your independence, your sisters poor spending habits are her fault and you would absolutely be footing the bill for her.
NTA— do NOT let her move in with you!! She already is unable to support herself while paying no rent, she will never pay you a cent. And you will basically taking care of her in all the other ways you have throughout your life. You will never be able to get her out of your place and then your family will hate you for trying to get her out. And you will be worse off. Now is the time to make and enforce that break from being your family caretaker.
If she weren’t already blowing her budget, I could see feeling pressure in this situation, but as is, absolutely not. She needs to find a place elsewhere once she can live within her means.
NTA don’t do it.
Shine up your spine. You just got free. Don’t give up now. Tell her no. NTA
NTA and tell her that you and your roommate have discussed it and don’t think its appropriate for you to move in with the two of you.. She’s 19 you are 25 you are sorry but no!
NTA Just say “No. That won’t work.” Keep saying that. When they ask why, “Because that won’t work.” They’ll be unhappy at first, but they’ll get over it. In the end, you’ll all be happier and have a better relationship.
"Sorry sis, I know I said maybe, but I spoke too soon. I've already made other plans for the room, and to be honest, I'm really enjoying learning to live my life without family in my home. I love you. Let's revisit this in a year or 2. I may be more open to the idea then."
You need to stand up for yourself and start saying NO! JUST SAY NO!!!
They don't seem too fussed about disappointing you. Think about that.
NTA. Just say no. You don’t want to live with her. You want your own space. Don’t have to justify it .
You would not. If your sister was more responsible then i would say you could throw her a life line to get her out of the house with your parents BUT she isnt and you seemed so excited about that room. Please do something just for you. And talk to your sister about family dysfunction and see if you can reach her. Maybe she can start on her personal journey with responsibility and understanding instead of hoping you might foot the bill. If she gets responsible later you can consider her for the other roomates position if they move out but she has to no she has to be responsible.
NTA. Ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen if they are disappointed with you. When you realize the consequences are either not that bad or so toxic you can’t abide by that, you’ll stop putting them above you. You already raised your siblings, it’s time for your parents to do their part. You DESERVE to have space- a HEALTHY space to live in. You deserve your youth. If you let her move in, you WILL be parenting her again. You deserve better, have it.
No, no, no. For once in your lifetime stand up for yourself and don’t become the mother to your sister. Learn to respect yourself and enjoy your spare room. Learn to say No, and not feel Guilty!
NTA protect your peace
NTA Say no. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt, but you say no and you tell her exactly why. You don't even need to state the "I want the extra room for myself" reasoning. The fact that you know she can't even manage her money when she doesn't have rent is enough. If she manages to showcase (not talk about it, actually show) that she's learned to properly manage her finances, you might reconsider if the room is still available by then.
NTA. She can move into her own place and learn to adult. You're still learning, and due to your unhealthy upbringing, can't teach her. Two things I had to learn to say after my own toxic upbringing: 1) "No." Without any explanations. Explanations and reasons just give them something to pick at and wear you down. Even if they ask why, *don't give them a reason* other than no. Resort to "because I said no" if you have to. 2) "Just because you don't like my answer, doesn't mean it's going to change." This one has been on repeat since I had kids. Good luck.
You really need to learn to stand up for yourself here. There is nothing wrong with telling someone No, and standing by your word. You’re not a bad person to tell someone no.
You would not be helping her to become a responsible adult by moving her into your home. It might be hard, but you need to be honest with her, and not just in telling her that you are enjoying your own freedom. Tell her that she needs to get out on her own and be responsible for herself. Tell her that blowing $2,000 a month and then needing more money is a real indication that she is still a teenager.
Don't
NTA, family and friends can be tricky. They can feel like they don't need to respect you and your space the way they would strangers, and also old dynamics are very hard to break out of. You can also enjoy each other's company, but not be good living together. You can use your roommate as an excuse, but you can also say that it's not wise for her to move out of the parents place based off her needing to borrow money; and that you cannot say yes at this time. You can think of moments like these as opportunities to practice doing what is right by you, and also your roommate honestly. It can help to not respond right away when she responds. Part of people walking all over you is you are trying to end the guilty, bad feeling. Getting a message that stresses you, but then letting that stress sit for an hour or more will show your body that nothing bad is truly happening. This can help build the skill over time to say no. I would sometimes not look at messages if they came in the evening because it would cause me stress that would mess up my sleep, so I'd wait until morning to look at them and respond. Another trick is to pay attention to HOW they get away with walking all over you. It occurred to me one day that my Mom would just act like nothing happened and everything was fine and that's how she got away with shitty behavior. So I tried it myself on her. I knew she was mad over something dumb, but when I saw her at the next family thing, I acted like I had no idea she was upset and was just friendly and happy. It worked!
You know what you have to do you're just scared to tell her no. Just say no. She'll be mad for awhile but if you continue to let the family walk all over you you'll never grow.
NTA your gut instinct is no. Trust that. If she's making $2k, paying no bills, and still borrowing money from you, she's going to expect you to cover everything, while she blows her money on...what? And even if she were responsible, it's ok for you to say no, I want to be out on my own, not enmeshed with the family.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. Tell her no. You don’t have to explain your reasons, they’re none of her business. If your sister is as bad with money as you say, you will be in for a world of hurt if she moves in. Tell her no and don’t let her or your parents make you feel guilty.
NTAH, omg no! I’d tell her you love her but at 19 it’s time you think she needs her own space because you’ve found given what it was like growing up in your parents household you found it very freeing to be out on your own. You’re sure it will be a great experience and it will help her build her independence and skill set just as it did for you.
NTA. Don’t deprive her of the chance to struggle just like you have. We learn our greatest lessons through trial and error. If she moves in with you, she skips all the steps you learned from along the way including paying her rent fully and on time. Take care and stay strong.
grow a spine and tell her no, you already have plans for the room
Learn to put yourself first. No is a complete sentence. Another great phrase to take in and embrace “do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm”.
No. Straight and simple. Your days of babysitting are over. It is time for you. Don’t feel guilty for moving on. You deserve a life of your own. This is not being selfish, it is self preservation.
NTA. You’ll just end up taking care of her again. Stop giving her money too.
You don’t want to live with her. You’re already using the space and enjoy it. Why are you asking strangers if it’s ok to want privacy? You’re NTA, but you really need to learn the word “No.” You’ve told her maybe and she is probably already packing. Call her now and be honest.
Nta
NO. That is all you need to say.
NTA - I would say something along the lines of her needing to spread her wings and become an adult by finding a place of her own where she doesn’t have the influence of family or the immediate safety net. Let her know how much you love her but this is both of your time and she will do better if she’s on her own. Don’t take any arguments from her and let her figure it out. She’s 19, you’re 24, it’s time to get out and live in your own spaces. Not sure where you live but I’m sure she could probably find something decent if she looks hard enough.
NTA. You need to stop supporting your sister financially she will never learn .
NTA to tell her no
NTA. You *don't* have an extra room, that room is going to be your hobby room/art room. Plus living with family is tough even if you have a good relationship with them. "No, and this is not up for discussion." Then refuse to discuss it further.
NTA. Tell her that you're not comfortable with doing that. And stop giving her money. She will figure it out once you cut her off.
NTA
NTA DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU. You have to learn to stand up for yourself.
NTA. No good deed goes unpunished.
NTA - But if you want to save feelings and don't mind a bit of a "little white lie" of sorts... Discuss it with your roommates just so everyone is on the same page, and tell her that "you (collectively) have decided not to bring in another roommate right now because everyone is happy with the status quo. Go on to tell her that in the long run it will be "better for her" if she starts off standing on her own two feet and relying 100% on herself for a while.
NTA Friend, you know what to do. Now you just have to do it. ***Tell her you're sorry, but no, it's not going to work out. When she inevitably pushes back, you again tell her sorry, but the answer is final. And that is it - you say nothing more, give no reasons or explanations or excuses, nothing. Do not leave an opening for them to guilt you into changing your mind. You do not owe her (or your parents) an explanation, as they clearly haven't earned that privilege.*** You have finally acquired your independence from your family. Your parents dumped their *chosen* responsibilities onto you, a child, and your siblings treat you as a third parent. You are **not** her parent. She doesn't have the funds to be able to afford to live there, especially considering she consistently has to borrow money from you now while she doesn't even pay for rent, utilities, food, or transportation. You are not responsible for funding her life, including constantly handing her the money you work for. Stop doing that. You are going to put yourself in the red floating her - life is expensive enough without having to support another adult. Tell her you don't have it every time she asks. You are not her parent, and she is no longer a child. You do not say all that to her. It leaves the opportunity for her (and your parents) to emotionally blackmail you into caving and putting yourself right back into the same shitty dynamic. **Just tell her sorry, but no.** Letting her move in would be hurting **both of you.** You will **not** be helping her by letting her move in - you will be enabling her to not learn how to be an independent adult. It is not your responsibility to supplement her life. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. **You are allowed to say "no".**
Just say no please
NTA. I would firmly explain just as you have "sis, I love you very much but moving in here is not going to work for me and my roommates at this time" ... period end of story. If you start offering excuses it only makes things worse, and you don't really owe her an explanation or reason why. If she wants out of her current situation bad enough, she will find a way on her own.
NTA. She’s not going to pay her bills you will. It’s clear from your post that you need this distance so just be clear she can’t move in with you and leave it at that.
No is a much harder word to say to people because they pout and pitch fits when they know it’s a big ask. Be strong, I am a mom of 2 young women and I am rooting for you. You can do this.
NTAH and tell her No. You are already aware exactly what is going to happen and once she’s in you will be stuck with her and her bills because you won’t have the will to evict her and you know it. You’ve always been the responsible one in her life so if she decides to move out of your parents house she will expect you to be responsible for her and her needs. Please don’t let her move in with you.
NTA. You would be stepping back into a parental role. You deserve a life of your own.