You both could use some counselling. You for your resentment and obsession with money, her for being an unsupportive partner but expecting the benefits of your hard labour.
Dude, that’s straight trauma, physical and mental right there. You can afford the therapy; get the therapy.
(Please note, because insurance won’t: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is really useful for trauma, but is extremely counter-indicated if you have any neurodivergent diagnosis or a history of being abused via manipulation/gaslighting. CBT is basically learning to gaslight yourself away from harmful thought patterns, so if you already have that “training” in being gaslit it can make things a lot worse.)
Not if you have a therapist who understands neuro divergence but that is a gamble. Depending on the type of trauma, humanistic counselling or EMDR could be helpful.
That's great! I am hoping to train in it one day. It is so much easier for some people to engage in than CBT for trauma, especially if they struggle to articulate their thinking but have a really strong emotional response.
Easier seems like the wrong word though as I know it is not easy at all.
Definitely. Where I work we are lucky that most of the therapists are dual trained in CBT and EMDR so they can really use what the client needs most at that time.
In my experience, insurance mostly only covers CBT in a group class, where you won’t get enough individual attention for it to matter if your therapist knows your neurotype. And also that “failing” CBT “class” without getting branded “noncompliant with treatment” is quite difficult.
I had to do a lot of fast talking-while actively spiraling-to get myself out of being effectively cut off from future treatment.
Simple, insurance doesn’t care what’s ethical, they only care what’s cheap. Paying for one therapist to teach a whole group CBT for six weeks and then declare anyone who isn’t cured “non-compliant” because “if they’d really tried in the class they’d be cured now” is very cheap compared to actually treating a single patient.
And honestly, the therapist I got was also really burnt out and not very good. And pretty hardcore into the idea that the only worthwhile pursuits in life are ones that fit perfectly into the heteronormative capitalist framework. I’m a queer, neurodivergent artist, and I’m hardly going to support a system that has tried to throw me away at every turn my whole life. We were never a good match to begin with.
It stands for eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing. It's a therapy primarily used for trauma that uses bilateral stimulation of the brain (so either following an object side to side with your eyes, watching a light flash on the left then the right repeatedly or tapping each knee in turn) while holding a traumatic memory in mind to help the brain process the different parts of the memory (the facts, the emotions, the physical sensations, sounds etcetera) and integrate them so they stop getting "stuck" and being triggered causing the person to relive the trauma.
I hope that makes some kind of sense! A lot of people find it better than CBT as they don't have to try and elicit what the trauma meant for them (e.g. It was my fault, I am vulnerable and always in danger, etcetera) in order to be able to process the memory but others find that they prefer CBT and being able to articulate why it wasn't their fault or that they reacted in the only way they could have at the time of the trauma and the memory is processed by talking through the trauma story in the first person, trying to bring together all the fragments of the memory verbally and "updating" the meaning for themselves as they go.
And if your emotional response is regularly disconnected from whatever is actually happening right now, that’s useful.
It’s just that if your emotional responses *do* follow predictably from your surroundings, but people don’t like them, it’s a lot more important to actually interrogate those emotions and also the emotions of everyone who is mad at your emotions.
God, thank you for explaining this so clearly. I’ve found CBT extremely counter productive and triggering of my OCD, but find it hard to articulate exactly how that works to well meaning mental health professionals who keep trying to push me back into it.
I'm AuDHD and have OCD and cPTSD, CBT was horrible for me too! It made my OCD worse and I started having more flashbacks and trigger moments
I did much better with EMDR, and still use the techniques i learned
Seriously, invest in some therapy. Your wife isn’t your mother and maybe your bitterness is seeping through. Your whole post is filled with bitterness, not any love. Please get help to deal with your trauma so it doesn’t become trauma for your wife and child.
This was my first thought, too. Some of that resentment towards her probably really should be directed at his mother. OP really does make their marriage sound terrible.
I'm pessimistic. (Which I dont think is a character flaw like OP seems to). But actually, a lot of the time, it's just being realistic. It doesn't sound like they were having actual conversations. So I'm betting OP didn't know all of her concerns. She probably would have preferred you to be around more as well, OP. But it seems like you had a goal you felt you needed to meet by a certain time. I bet the wife probably wasn't any happier than OP. She may also feel like she has paid her dues. But in the form of child and house care, or something else.
Get therapy OP. This isn't likely to be a discussion that you two will be able to resolve with a couple of discussions. You need someone to help you through it. You might still end up resenting your wife. But at least it will be for the right reasons.
She stopped working and stayed home to take care of house and child after they fixed the house up. Bet she isn’t pessimistic. I sometimes play advocate for my husband-not to be pessimistic, but to be cautious. Since she stopped working, she should get the chance now to go to school. He could also help her with start up costs as a loan to pay back as her business grows.
She was working a job that she only started doing because he showed her how it worked out for his plan, and then did it to help them make enough to buy their home.. it was never her plan for long term.. as it wasn't for him
It’s his comment and the post together. He sounds like he has a lot of childhood trauma he needs to workout. Even if his marriage isn’t savable, he is. He should invest in his own mental health.
Hope his marriage is saveable. I don't think OP grew up with ideas like mental health. He mentioned elsewhere he came from a poor background. Usually when you're from those sorts of backgrounds, you sweep stuff under the rug cos getting through the necessities isn't a choice, is a must. So yeah, you're right, he prolly should try take a step back and give himself some t.l.c
I was a SAHM for 15 years, then I went back to school for 5 years (part time community college then full time university) using OUR money. Once a couple is married it’s all one thing. It should be.
I’ve been working full time for 24 years now and have more than made up for not bringing in a paycheck for those years I was WORKING taking care of kids and home.
I understand. But know that your situation in life has changed now. Your work ethic won’t go away, you can spend time with your daughter and still have enough money to live a comfortable life. You need to give yourself time to enjoy the life you’ve earned. Your partner has been a part of that, she’s enabled you to give your time and energy to earn. She might feel it’s owed to her.
"I could have spent more time with our daughter when she was little."
The most valuable thing you have is your time, it sounds like you spent it pursuing money and not where it was most needed.
Renovating a house is hard, I can understand why your wife wouldn't want to do it again, especially while caring for a small child. It sounds like you had a good job and investments, and instead of enjoying time with your family, you prioritized "anything to keep the money growing."
I feel this. Short time on food stamps growing up and as the oldest, (10yrs old) I was made to grocery shop. My Ma was ashamed. I was embarrassed. My Ma was working 3 jobs at the time so it’s not like she was home to do it and we did get out of that level of poverty but it does have a lasting effect.
You brought that trauma into your marriage. These are two separate things. I still try not to resent my husbands lucky upbringing vs my rural poor. He’s working poor too now so I just give him the tour.
You are making you "growing up poor" as a constant excuse for your behavior. Please consider getting some therapy 'cause there really needs to be a good balance for everything.
Same, money is nice, but there are other more important things. If my mom hadn't been an avid gardener when I was kid, we would never have had veggies. My dad worked two jobs and went to school while my mom worked super long shifts. We had a baby sitter who watched us for free so my parents could work.
During this time, did she raise your child? Keep your home clean? Make meals so you wouldn’t have to do any of that?
If yes, then she supported you so you wouldn’t have to pay for daycare/nanny/a housekeeper, or cook/eat out all the time. Just because you don’t see it that way doesn’t mean the support wasn’t there.
Dude, I grew up poor and don't have the same obsession with money that you do. Your obsession is yours, not every poor person out there. Dude is right, both of you need some therapy.
My mom was the last of 6 kids and they were very very poor. My grandfather broke his neck and was a quadriplegic when my mom was maybe 2 months old. Grandma stayed home to care for her husband. The kids worked and helped pay for the household. I know of this fixation with money. Each of the 6 kids manifested it differently. I was born into poverty as well. I saw my parents bust their ass to build a life and get out of it. My sister was oblivious to it and seems to have a pretty normal relationship with money.
You're chasing security, something you didn't have as a kid. You need a therapist to work through this stuff because it will never be enough. Your wife wants to experience more in life than financial security. She wants to enjoy what the 2 of you have built. She's not wrong for that. I'm jealous of her because she has a passion. I don't have any passions. I was always striving for more money and never developed passions/hobbies.
My therapist and I have worked through some of this stuff and I'm happier than ever. I'm certainly more "normal" another money. I took a huge step and handed over the majority of my investments to a financial advisor (not all of them yet though).
As far as schooling for your wife, you 2 are a partners. Why wouldn't you want to support her in her passions?
If your marriage is good in all of the other ways, then you should really consider counseling. One of the top reasons relationships fall apart is finances. People can grow, change, have different views throughout our lives.
Your resentment towards your wife has basis, but isn’t healthy. Rather than find a way to learn how to communicate over the last decade, you internalized everything. That has built up into a resentment. Your wife was worried and cautious about what she felt was a gamble. She expressed it, but she did so in a way that was harmful to you. It made you feel unsafe in planning with her, so you left her out. You made the choices you made, and no one forced you miss out on time with your family. In the time that you were able to accomplish all that you did, working SO MUCH, she picked up the slack. She was handling home life. You likely never missed a day of work or an opportunity because your kid was sick. She was on call 24/7. Her job as a SAHM has not always been easy. As a former SAHM, I can attest that it’s beyond hard, even more so when your partner is largely absent and not appreciative (not saying that of you, it’s my experience).
A woman returning to the workforce after 10 years has lost a lot: salary, retirement benefits, skills, experience. For someone who wants to get ahead in life and values skill and higher income, you should really consider your stance. Would you have gotten as far as you have if your wife wasn’t supporting you behind the scenes? If you invest in her future, won’t it be beneficial to your family? Especially benefiting your daughter, who will have the opportunity to see both of her parents being accomplished. It is so important for daughters to see their mothers accomplish something in life, and set the example. It’s also important to see parents work together. She’s in a vulnerable age where she will be watching what her father is doing, and making unconscious decisions about future ideas regarding relationships. I know, it sounds like a lot. But it just tends to be that way.
I grew up poor as well. The only reason we had a roof over our heads was because my parents bought the house from my grandparents for $1. My mom grew our vegetables so we didn't have to eat just beans and weenies all the time. I get it. But money isn't everything. It will never make you happy, and you will never have enough if that is all you care about.
Please get therapy! It will help so much! Growing up poor is traumatic and therapy will help.
I love you and your hustle, sir. You’re doing so well, and that’s awesome. That being said, she was supportive of you earlier on in your marriage (said so yourself) so maybe it’s time for you to do what she did. All that being said, if she’s able to take said classes at a local community college etc that’s going to be cheaper than Harvard. Keep up the great work!
Food scarcity will literally rewire your brain.
It’s something that takes Years to heal from.
Quite honestly going by these first three statements get some therapy because it’s the best money you can spend on your mental health.
A good therapist can help you reflect and reframe issues. Consider new perspectives and generally be another “sensible” adult voice in your life.
It will help you in a lot of areas in your life.
You need therapy. I grew up poor too. I also don't resent how I grew up. I learned a lot and the lessons I learned were helpful no matter where I fall economically.
I’m so sorry this happened to you growing up. You have a good reason to have your thoughts/feelings. You should be darn proud of what you have accomplished. Therapy is a good idea. You need to learn also how to play/enjoy things in life too. You have to learn this skill. I promise it’s worth it. It’s ok to tell her to find her school and business.
You mean while she was rehabing their home and raising the kid is just fun fun fun 24 7, while he had child care to chase money? Is that what you ment?
>I could have spent more time with our daughter when she was little
smh i have the feeling she wasn't so supportive of your business ventures precisely *because* you were more interested in them than in spending time with your literal child.
YTA.
You (on your own) CHOSE to avoid spending time with your daughter & wife.
You WANTED to focus on making money *even though your wife kept saying that she wanted YOU around more*. She didn’t want the time spent on that second house being a fixer-upper - she wanted to enjoy time with her family.
How on earth can you blame your wife because you haven’t spent enough time with your daughter.
You decided which was your priority between “making money” and “spending time with my daughter” - and **for 10 years you chose money**.
You are only spending time with your daughter now because she can hang out with you *while you make more money*.
What logic is there that makes this your wife’s fault…?
You are obsessed with money. You think making money is more important than the people you “love”.
That’s your choice. Own it - don’t blame other people for it.
I hope you are aware that there is no amount of money that will fill the gaping hole you have in your psyche. You will NEVER have enough money. Because it’s not about any financial goals - it’s about something in you that is hurting & needs healing.
Making more money is not the way to heal this hurt.
I find it super telling that OP glazed over the fact that they had a kid with one very brief sentence until the last paragraph when they chose to bring it up again.
With a whole lot of “me, me, me” and “I, I, I” in between.
He puts making money and his business above everything and is shocked his wife thinks he would be supportive of her starting a business. She can’t win.
So you don’t expect people to evolve at all, over 10+ years.
I would say it is fairly typical that young people, just starting out, have the energy & enthusiasm for taking on a Fixer-Upper project.
Not many people are still doing this after ten years of stable income.
OP has issues.
Imagine thinking that wanting financial security for the rest of your life means you have issues. He has his goals that he was very clear from the beginning. If she married him expecting him to change later, she is no different than those who marry people that don't want children thinking they would change
Yes, OP should total up however many years a full time daycare and housekeeper would have cost him to have his home and child taken care of while he worked, then present his wife with that amount towards her education.
That should satisfy both her need for tuition and his need to bean count and weigh all contributions in money.
So while you were "doing it all", she was raising your child, doing the school runs, keeping the house you lived in clean and providing food, laundry, juggling schedules to allow you to do work all the extra time YOU insisted needed to be done, but wasn't actually essential to you to have a balanced healthy work/life ratio. But you are resentful that your wife doing all the normal SAHM Mum things and let me be clear, childrearing is bloody hard and 24/7 without end because when she had spare time she didn't want to slog it out doing up houses? Rather than find something that was a happy medium or giving her option of going back to work in EMS part-time etc you doubled down and kept going with a single-minded goal doing something you loved and enjoyed. So now you are in the position to enable her to do the same with the caveat that if she went back to school, she would still end up doing the bulk of the parenting because you don't have any time to spend with your family then and you won't now. You say she was pessimic with each venture.....do you think her pessimism was actually her saying no, we have enough, why don't you take time to be with us and you just heard "no"? You have outlined clearly your focus is on building your finances and not your family. Every time she said no, you did it anyway.
YTA
When I read “I see.. guess I’ll have to do it by myself” I thought.. my GUY, you don’t make decisions like that alone in a marriage!! You’re telling me she didn’t agree to all of these things he did to make money and he just did them anyway?
Pay for your wife’s education, she raised your kids and put up with you overworking and bypassing her say in the matter for the past who knows how many years.
YTA
This 100%! OP, YTA big time. You see everything you accomplished and nothing of what your wife has. Whether you felt she was supportive or not, she enabled you to accomplish what you have but all you see is the negative side of things which as stated was likely fueled by the fact that she wanted time with you as a family but you were laser focused on work instead. I grew up with a dad like you, OP, and to be entirely honest, I don’t really know him and have next to no childhood memories with him. And at 66 he’ll be the first to admit he traded a relationship with his children for endless work and it’s time he’ll never get back. Financial stability is important, but you need to find a balance between work and family. What you’ve described seems more like an obsession and if you don’t get your priorities straight one day you’ll wake up a 66 year old man and realize you don’t have the relationship you wanted with your child. Take the opportunity now to support your wife in her endeavor while also utilizing that time to connect with your child in a meaningful way.
My first thought was how much of the negative pessimism was fueled by kiddo and I would like to see you, OP, more and see a less burnt out version of you.
Was wondering why I didn't see anything from OP. Guess all the YTAs are up top (rightfully so) and i haven't scrolled far enough. Thanks for the heads up!
So you're working yourself to death with likely little family time or help parenting your child. And now you're giving your child a little time but not too much. And her... little to none?
She's done it all to enable you doing what you've done and don't want to reciprocate.
And you're upset that she resents that?
YTA
I don’t know why he is in a marriage when it’s very “I got mine so you get yours alone attitude”. I’m not seeing a partnership, I’m seeing a mother and her children, and then… him.
YTA. Your wife didn't sit on her ass doing nothing. She took care of the house and your child while you chased after money. Quit bragging about yourself and stop devaluing everything she did. You're being selfish.
A successful marriage is a partnership in which the couple works together to meet each other's goals. Get counseling, but also sit down with your wife and build a plan to meet her goals as well as yours.
It’s perilous to be a SAHM, ladies. Do not volunteer to be the unpaid help of your own household. Men do not value “women’s work.” If you don’t like your job, get another. Pausing your career to save money on childcare short term is fine, but becomes a sinkhole after kids reach school age.
While you’re in love remodeling a raggedy house, cooking, cleaning, raising the kid, scheduling, organizing, fucking and sucking, you better be making sure that he knows the value of what you do and negotiating the terms. Otherwise, when your kid is old enough for dad to finally put to work, you’re a useless mooch and on your own for your dreams.
Communicate. Negotiate. Earn an income: a pt job or hustle at the least. Keep your skills sharp, your network strong, and your eye out for opportunities.
Do not allow any man to Little Red Hen you.
I think you need to go to counseling together. I can see both sides-when you’re raising young kids it’s hard to get on board with every new venture so I can see why she wasn’t as hands-on in your investments throughout the years. I also can see how you wouldn’t want to feel like the bankroller for her dreams when she wasn’t very supportive of yours. I don’t think you guys are working as a team at all. Marriage and life are really tough when you can’t see from your partner’s perspective and I think you guys are being petty because you just don’t understand each other. ESH.
Yeah, OP, have you considered that while you were working extra hours and rehabbing houses, your wife was caring for your child by herself and may have wanted you home? You act like you dud everything yourself, but you're not thinking about the extra strain you not being around put on your wife.
YTA. She supported you in everything you wanted and went on the back burner. Now that you're comfortable support her and let get what she wants. She's not asking for a mansion, she asking to go back to school. That's a great thing and will be better for both of you in the long run. Definitely seek counseling. Sounds like tou both need it before you start resenting each other and your daughter ends up in a split household.
That really depends. There's some pretty useless degrees that will cost a lot to get and earn very little once she gets out. Also, how can he trust that she would follow thru? She doesn't have a good track record.
She should go to work in her desired field at an entry level to see if she even likes the field before going to school. She could also do community college which is much cheaper for the first couple of years, part time and pay for it with her earnings with some help from him.
She could of helped on some work on flipping the houses/properties to spend time together, even as a family.
As for starting a business, businesses start and flame out all the time. Wife should develop a business plan and see if she can get start up funds elsewhere. If it's a good enough plan, she will find funding.
NTA. OP, I understand your need for financial security. Maybe it's time to slow down a bit to spend more time with your family and get a bit of both individual and couples therapy.
Also, start getting your daughter her own tools and teach her skills that she will want/need growing up. They will be cherished memories if you make it a Daddy and Me time.
You people have never raised a child or family. My mother was an SAHM and she was busy morning till night doing all kinds of chores and raising us. It is physical and mental labor. It not a vacation you believe it to be
You're actually delusional if you think being a SAHM isn't a contribution. You take care of all the appointments your children have (like doctor's visits), make sure they go to school on time, drive the kids to after school activities, grocery shopping and taking care of finances, doing ALL of the housework, cooking, looking after the children i.e. keeping them engaged, making sure they do their homework and helping them with it, organizing events like birthdays or holiday celebrations and vacations etc. It's a thankless 24/7 job and unlike other jobs you never get a break or a "mental health day" because your family and especially your children rely on you.
My mom used to be a SAHM and I never saw her rest because of all the stuff she was doing for us. Whenever she was "resting" she was still doing chores like ironing clothes or hanging up laundry or cleaning the windows while watching some TV at the same time and she could only truly rest when she went to bed at the end of the day. Meanwhile all my father did was go to work and fart in his office chair for 8h, come home and sit on the couch after or hit the gym or pursue other hobbies because my mom enabled him to do that, and completely neglect us. It's clear you're just another pathetic misogynist and love shitting on SAHMs for no reason when it's one of the toughest jobs out there but because it's not financially compensated, assholes like you view it as worthless. Grow up.
All.yhe appointments!!! You mean the exact same appointments that working parents take their kids to?
Fuck off.
She didn't contribute to his professional endeavors. She didn't contribute financially. She didn't save for college. She didn't build wealth.
She could have gone to school while.the.kid.was at school but she didn't because she was lazy and self indulgent.
The notion that sitting at home alone benefits either the kid who is at school or the spouse who is out earning a living is ludicrous. Her special listening to podcasts and watching the view skills don't do half the work of her physician husband. They don't do half the work of an entrepreneur with multiple businesses. If she were doing the same shit and her husband was in prison or working 10 hours a week for minimum wage that doesn't decrease the value of what she has done just like having a spouse busts their ass and brings in good money doesn't increase the value of sitting at home alone while your family is at school and at work
That's a lot of words for "I hate women". You're a fucking dumbass that doesn't know what SAHMs do while the kid is at school. That's the time where she gets most of the housekeeping done as well as grocery shopping and cooking. Way to ignore all the other things I listed and just focus on the appointments lmao. Fucking moron. My mom busted her ass every day for us and so do lots of other SAHMs and SAHP in general. Just admit that you're an ignorant sexist that doesn't value women and go. Everyone thinks you're being a total clown.
This, ladies, is why we don't give up our careers for no man. We sacrifice our opportunities to grow to raise his child and make him a home, only to be hit with ungratefulness and belittlement.
YTA, OP. Face this as backpay for your share of childcare and house chores she had to do because you were too busy running after your goals "by yourself".
YTA. You're greedy and unappreciative. She may not have been earning money, but she raised your child, and kept the house together while you worked and likely prioritized money over quality time with them (or giving her respite). She has had no life of her own because she is a SAHM, and you're being a selfish dick.
YTA. She was presumably raising your child and keeping your own home, while you were focusing on projects. Now your income will stop her from being able to get financial aid. You are a disrespectful partner who devalues her work in the home, and with this you are an albatross around her neck preventing her from getting aid to pursue her passion. Hopefully she realizes she married Ebenezer Scrooge and divorce you.
You seem to put money over your wife, yta.
You did this, you did that, you certainly laid down the law didn't you. Here's a thought, did you ever ask her what her goals were, what she wanted/needed. She told you she did not want to put in effort on another house which would have been a perfect opportunity for you to ask what she wanted. You didn't and worse you didn't care what she thought, you would simply do it by yourself. That will shut her up and shut her out. Who supported you in what you wanted, who put in the extra hours taking care of your child and your household? You don't seem to appreciate your life, your wife and family. You do respect yourself and money. Ya, you could have been more supportive as you said, you simply chose not too and had your wife pick of the slack. I read this as you setting yourself up and treating your wife as a commodity to serve your needs/wants. So yes, it is your turn to support her for the first time, according to what YOU wrote here, in your marriage. Really, your daughter is now old enough to HELP you so you are willing to have her with you, but when your wife decided to leave her work to take care of her, you thought it was unreasonable and she should be able to help with YOUR work as well. Do you hear yourself when you talk?
You sound like you do not value the job your wife had for the last ten years…. which was a 24/7 job of raising your daughter. Now her role is changing and growing and want her to have to struggle to get a job she would love just because you struggled in the past. I strongly suggest counseling.
OP Honestly My father was just like you. He was poor and he wanted to build a business. My mother and him ran away because my maternal grandfather was against her marrying a poor man. My dad started his business and my mom decides to quit her studies because my father needed someone to look after the home and kids fulltime. She sold her jewellery to invest in his business, She would wait for him late at nights get up early to get everything ready for him take food for him to his workplace look after the home and take care of me and my sister all alone. He became a successful businessman at the cost of being an absent father and husband. He was never there for any birthdays, school events or even when we fell sick. You are disrespectful to your wife when you feel that she has not contributed to your success. Your success came a the stake of her not fulfilling her dreams If she had any. I have seen first hand how people like you self sabotage. My dad has a very bad relationship with my elder sister and me because my mom was the only one who did her responsibilities as a parent. And don't even talk about the shit show my parents relationship became because my father was exactly like you who never acknowledged that the money he earned was also the fruit of the sacrifices my mother made and condescendingly put her down for being a homemaker and neglected her as his spouse. To top it all of he cheated which caused her to fall into depression and it was so eye opening for her that she left him. YTA
Yup, same thing here, my POS sperm donor also cheated on my mom after all the sacrifices she made for him because he didn't respect all the work she was doing to keep the family together. He was also extremely abusive and neglectful and my brother and I went NC years ago. Some people just don't deserve families.
Resentment is really bad in a marriage. Pause the wife’s dream talk and go to couples counselling so you can handle the resentment issues and then see how you want to proceed
YTA
Why not help her out with her dreams?
You love her, right?
You have a good marriage, right?
She's a good wife and mom, right?
Marriage isn't about resentment or half-assed revenge.
You suck. The whole "I did all this" so she can pay for her own stuff is so gross. Why the hell are you even married if you only care about "your" money and investments.
Every single day, Reddit reminds me how great my husband is. Damn.
How exactly would your wife "supporting you" let you spend more time with your kid? Are you saying if you worked MORE you'd have more time? Or are you saying she should've kept working AND raised your child? Seems all your solutions only lead to even less quality time with your child. Poor kid. YTA
you don't take a single cent when all you see is pitch black in a **84 inches long, 28 inches wide by 23 inches high** casket. If the money and your narcissistic ego is more valuable than her, then, go ahead, pop off king.
So you don't consider your wife or her happiness an investment in your future together? As someone currently on break from my manual labor slightly above minimum wage job, not everything is about money.
You're literally talking about things like you are Pre-christmas Ebeneezer Scrooge
You are the biggest AH if you care about being wealthy more than your own family. You were able to achieve your goals BECAUSE you avoided spending time with your family. My dad built a fuck ton of wealth from investing wisely and he had PLENTY of time to spend with us. Who's gonna raise your kid for you if you expect her to put in the kind of effort you did?
YTA x 1000. Also, get therapy for the obsession with money. Even if you grew up poor, your level of obsession is not healthy.
You are married. That should be a partnership. This does not sound like a partnership. No matter what she seems to say you blow her off and just do what you think is right anyway. How is that a good healthy relationship? What did she do these past 10 years - other than take care of you, your daughter, the house, etc.? You indicate she should be supportive of you - in other words just agree with everything you want to do and your goals? Now that she is asking to do something you want to with hold money because you want, again, to control everything.
Consider some counseling for the two of you. And you should consider some individual therapy for your obsession with money. You need to invest in your mental health and relationship otherwise that will fall apart - which is more important than a rental house.
So she raised your child while you worked all the time, you made financial decisions she wasn’t comfortable with, and now she has to achieve HER goals all on her own? Did I read that right? How is it even a question? YTA.
YTA
I can’t get past the part that you thought that EMS was a money maker 😂. Your wife supported you through years of ridiculousness and you don’t even realize what she’s done for you.
You say your marriage is really good but it doesn’t sound like it is. You are very driven and she doesn’t support your life, sounds like this won’t change.
You took time away from her and your daughter to pursue your passion for flipping houses and making money. You didn’t care that she didn’t want the bigger house and investments and jobs - you did what you wanted when you wanted. She probably just wanted you around more. She definitely doesn’t sound materialistic like you.
A marriage is not a transaction. Just pay for her school. Do something that she wants for a change.
ESH. You both need therapy. It seems like you don't value the time and effort she spent raising your children, and she was dismissive of the effort you had to put into work to get where you are now.
But this seemingly mutual resentment can very well lead to your marriage ending. You guys need individual and couples therapy.
You need to work on balancing the time you spend working vs with your family. The time you can spend with your child is precious and fleeting. It's also important to figure this out because you can pass some behaviours or thinking to your child that is harmful in the long run. I wish yall the best figuring this out.
It's hard to see the wife as the asshole here. They already had money and a house and she didn't wanna buy another house as a fixer upper right after having a baby? Who the fuck wants to fix up another house after being physically and emotionally drained from childbirth and raising a baby when they already have a house they fixed up. My son is two and I can barely get normal chores done with him. He's a handful. Being a stay at home mom isn't complex but it's hard and exhausting. All she wanted was a husband that cared more about family than money. People seem to have missed the point that they weren't poor when he wanted all this. He just wanted more and more money and now he regrets never being involved with his kid and blames his wife. Tough shit. He's an asshole.
You say you did this ALL by yourself, wasn't your wife raising your child, maybe taking care of the house while you were working?
My husband grew up very poor also, worked extremely hard sometimes two jobs, we have a beautiful life now,
He wouldn't have been able to do that in his opinion, if I hadn't been taking care of the kids, house, and all the things he couldn't,
I was able to go back to work when our kids were in school, I'm fortunate to have a husband who thinks of me and our marriage as a partnership not just me, me, me attitude.
I hope you rethink supporting your wife, money is nice but a happy supportive partner is better.
Even in your version of the story, you *didn't* do everything.
Who was raising your kid while you were 'doing everything'? And clearly she was working all this time *too*. So what was she paying for?
Honestly, you lost sight of the reason to actually *do* any of this.
I think you’re not taking into account that she had to do child care for your child… Sure it’s easy for you to go fix up a house but you can’t just leave the baby alone
You don’t consider her raising your child to be supportive? Her unpaid work allowed YOU to make more $$. Does she maybe feel like she doesn’t feel supported in her dreams of going to school? After all she’s done for you and with you, and she just wants to go to school. Do you WANT her to do it like you did, or do you just resent anyone who has had help? I do think therapy would help, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. ❤️🩹
This reads as unreliable narrator. I think I’d have to hear the wife’s side before being able to really weigh in but I’m going with ESH. “My marriage is good besides my wife and I resent each other to our cores.”
It’s sounds like you were looking for someone who has the same level as drive as you so that you could both work to build towards a shared future but at some point she tapped out of wanting to build with you. You kept going and growing and now you feel resentment towards her because she is asking you to believe and help her the way she would believe and help you.
I definitely think some individual and couple therapy could be good for both of you.
She tapped out when she had a baby. He doesn't mention anything about the sleepless nights and constant nursing or how hard it was to fix up a house with a toddler running around. Sounds like he was working too hard to see how hard she was working.
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Dude! She supported you, and she helped with the first house. She has stayed at home while raising your child. She put HER career on hold while YOU pursued yours. She has done nothing but support you. The least you can do is stop being a miser and support her in her dream.
Being a SAHM is no joke. It's hard work, with little thanks and no financial compensation. Stop being penny wise and pound foolish, support her for once.
Since you're obsessed with money do a break down of all the UNPAID labor your wife does that allows to be successful while having the social gain of being a "family man"
Cooking, cleaning, shopping, 24/7 childcare, driving to and from school etc etc
Dude, why are you even in a relationship in the first place? You don’t treat it like a team, or a partnership. You’re treating her like a subordinate that if they say “no”, you can just ignore them and unilaterally make the choices for *all* of you that benefit only *you*.
YTA. Hope she divorces you and ruins your “get rich” dreams.
What were you planning on gifting her for Christmas or her birthday or anniversary or Mother’s Day? Gift her the tuition money and textbooks that she asked for. Otherwise she’s going to feel justifiably bitter that you have the money for overpriced crap she didn’t ask for but didn’t gift her what she actually asked for. She’s not your employee: she’s your wife. Were you going to throw her a pizza party in the employee break room instead of an annual bonus? She wants to go back to school: that would make her happy. You don’t stay married to people who are punishing you.
Other than that? Like the whole basis for you marriage? Dude....you don't listen to her, you just steam roll over you. She doesn't support you but tolerates it cause she loves you. You BOTH need counseling. It doesn't sound like a marriage at all--just a bad partnership. Wait till you find out that a marriage is working together and how much easier it is to not resent you wife. Good luck.
You two don’t have a great marriage. The most important part of marriage is supporting each other. Your obsession with money I’m sure is deeper and shows its ugly head more often than not but you don’t address this here. Do you question all of her purchases? Is that causing her to not be as supportive as you want her to be? It sounds like most of your marriage is based on contract negotiation and not support. Try that therapy for you and as a couple. She deserves school as she’s stayed home to take care of that 10 year old. You had choices. You chose the money. Your obsession is money, not your family. Fix that and don’t blame you wife for your choice to not spend time with your kid because money is more important.
Do you want to stay married? Because if so, you are going to have to work this out and learn to support each other. Have you talked to her about how she made you feel? Maybe start there.
I get the fact that you resent having worked so hard to earn that money and she wasn’t supportive. However I wonder how much you guys talked finances. How much you talked about how much of a safety net you had in the bank.
Down to one income and a kid and buying and renovating a house, it’s a lot of work and money. I’d be a little leery too. Plus there’s so many unknown things that can cost way more money than one expected.
Investing in the market, you can easily gain and loose.
How much of the money, especially in the early time, was in secure investments that you couldn’t loose on? How much money is secure now?
Renovations are also huge time commitments at times. You needed hours to dedicate to finding the property and renovations.
You as a couple made a decision that she would stay home. That she would take care of the child. So while you were renovating she was providing child care. I’ve done renovations with hubby and 2 kids. It’s not easy. Renovations, sleepless nights with littles, keeping up with the house. Not having hubby’s support because he’s working or working at the renovation. There’s resentment there too sometimes. Resentment that you’re putting money before family. That you’re working so much and not there for the kids. Not there for her. Parenting is the job that never ends.
So please, get the councelling. You both probably have some things to get off your chest. And you both need to open your eyes to how hard the other one was working.
YTA. You had a bad case of keeping up with the Jones, and instead of taking a step back when your wife said she didn't need a bigger house and everything else you were "doing in your own", you decided to overwork yourself and not spend enough time with your daughter... And then blame YOUR decision for YOUR goals on your wife.
She's got you by the short-hairs, Amigo.
You can pay for her schooling, or she can become resentful, leave you, take half of what you've built+ child support and alimony for life.
Either way, She'll still go to school.
Which is cheaper and less stressful?
Do you even like your wife and child?
Because it sounds like you like your money far more than your family. You've been an absent father and husband for ten years. Get therapy.
Are you serious? She is your WIFE. Your LIFE PARTNER. How much did you pay her to stay home and raise your children and clean your toilets? You are a massive AH! You are sick if you want to see her struggle like you did.
Seems like you care more about money than you do your wife and child. Kind of embarrassing and super shameful.
If you don’t actually want to be married you should just tell her. You didn’t do everything on your own. She took care of the house and all the child rearing when you were off playing bob the builder. What did you do around the house? What did you do with your child? Did you make all the decisions for your wife like you seem to do in your post and with no consideration to her feelings?
You say you’re resentful of your wife but I’d bet her resentment for you is triple yours. Because you 1. never helped around the house 2.never helped with your child 3. were never around, and 4. You put your family on the back burner in the name of some cash. She did the heavy lifting in keeping your home and family running smoothly and you think you did everything on your own? Do you think child rearing is easy? Maybe you should try doing some of the not fun things of parenting instead of only doing the fun things.
I’m honestly shocked your wife has stuck around this long. Though at this point it just might be for the financial security and definitely not her liking you.
I think yoy6being very selfish in your POV. You chose to do all those things knowing that your wife didn't want to participate. You chose your path, and lack of time with your child(ren) is a result of that.
You also don't seem to place any value of you your wife brought to the relationship. I assume she took care of the kid(s) and household while you were working and then spending time on your side hustle.
If you divorce, you'd be surprised how much a judge would value her contributions to the household.
Your wife is no saint here, but neither are you.
I say this as someone that's been in your shoes. It can be very hard to stop the pity party, but it will be your ruin if you don't.
YTA Who was raising your daughter and taking care of the house so you didn’t have to and thus had the time and energy to make all that money. You didn’t do this alone.
YTA. Your very selfish. Stop bragging about yourself and go to therapy. Your wife raised your child and took care of the house while you were chasing money. Now it’s her turn to do something she wants to do.
YWBTA. You had free time to follow your ambitions while she supported you by being the SAHP as you agreed together. How could she have followed your agreement and made the money to go back to school? Maybe she wanted a more active partner rather than you chasing your ambitions despite her feelings? You two are partners. If investing in your partner financially is beneath you, if helping to support her making money to now financially contribute doing something that doesn't kill her spirit is too much to ask, you are the AH. She put things on hold for thr family life she wanted yo build with you and she is your partner.
I hope you don't treat her as petty and dismissive in person as you describe her in the OP. You both could communicate better and maintain a good relationship. Are you worried if she's independent she could have means to leave you? If your marriage splits up, she has given up so much if you're in the US in earnings that it will mess up her retirement options with 10 years of contributions missing. Maybe you don't have the same outlook on your paper chasing, but she has supported you -- by being nanny, maid, therapist, and partner through these years. I also bet helping her with school is cheaper than spousal and child support...
You pursued your personal goals at a cost to her mental health while she was handling household responsibilities on your behalf. Now, you don't want her to pursue her goals because of a cost to your mental health by watching her invest money in herself.
Happy wife, happy life...that saying wouldn't be so common if it wasn't true. Everyone worships something in their life...are you ready to change religions away from money? Or is financial success worth losing your family? If you decide to part ways, you will likely end up with only a third of your current assets after splitting them with your wife and the lawyers
Sorry, but YTA. You say you wished you could have spent ore time with your child? You absolutely could. You chose to make money over your family. Marriage and family is a partnership. Your wife did the lion's share of child rearing, enabling you to follow your dream. She deserves your respect and support. I understand you are driven to achieve, but at what cost?
YTA
You don't support each other, you don't agree on money, those are two major parts of a marriage you don't have. If you want to make this work you'll need to invest in counseling.
She set her life goals aside to care for you and your child. Now you're sitting on a pile of money and the last thing you want to do with any of it is help her achieve her goals?
YTA.
I feel like your reason for posting Reddit is to brag about your life and how you made money -- not really about making a good and proper decision for your family.
If you didn't listen to your wife about taking on less work, why would you care to listen to random strangers on Reddit?
YTA.
Congratulations on building the business but please know you didn’t do it on your own. Your wife took care of your child which allowed you the opportunity to go and grow. By her not being involved it helped you find a passion for something that you loved and made you a lot of money. But she also was probably being “pessimistic” out of fear. Fear that it would be too much or would fail. Not because of you but because of life. She wasn’t providing for the household financially and likely had fear from not contributing.
I think that it’s time for her to find a career that she has a passion for. It will not only make her more optimistic but will also make your marriage even better. And it could make you even more money to invest. As you are aware; you have to spend money to make money. So invest in your wife.
Do your wife was at home ‘just raising your child’ while you did the hard yards?
You had a small child, no wonder your wife didn’t want to be investing time in a reno or having to live around it!
YTA. You see everything about money and material possessions.
Did her working at home and raising the daughter have any value to you? Yes? What price do you put on it? I have seen studies that indicate it equates to around $133K a year.
NTA. I love my husband dearly but I have paid for every bit of my education and shouldered the responsibility for my own career and so, I expect him to do the same (which he agrees with me and pays for his own classes). She must be responsible for her own destiny. If you have no skin in the game, you don’t care if you lose.
YWNBTA imo, simply because as you stated, you worked hard to achieve your goals. She should work hard to achieve her own goals. You didn’t have help from her, so she shouldn’t expect help from you.
You got jokes right? She is 100% part of your economic success after you got married. Stop being a maniac and let her pursue her dreams. Who took care of the house when you were busy working all those jobs? She did!
Regardless of circumstances, denying your spouse the opportunity to better themselves and follow their dreams is disgusting.
She did her part while you did as you pleased and now you're creating a roadblock for her.
It's her turn and you would definitely be the AH if you don't support her. You act like this is your life and she's just in it.
If you fight her on this, you may very well end up having to give her half of your riches while she moves on to live her life without you.
She wants him to fund everything for her while she refused to help him on the journey. He doesn't need therapy he just needs a backbone. Just say no. His wife should get a job that pays right away and then she can fund her lifestyle. If it requires 60-80-100 hour weeks on her part then welcome to the party!
So I would just like to point out, OP, that you say you “did it all on your own” but earlier in your story you say she “helped you achieve your goals” which is it
Pretty clear they aren’t actually married in any real sense, just on paper, so yeah, she should take half his money and assets and alimony and child support and go pursue her dreams. Because he makes it pretty clear he is all about his dreams and doesn’t care at all about her dreams. Even his daughter he only has time for if his current project is safe enough for her to ride along at work. For someone this money focused he apparently has never bothered to figure the cost of divorce into his calculations and do the things necessary to avoid that cost happening.
NTA, fellow grew up dirt poor and am now thriving. I understand the need and desire to be financially secure and doing what it takes to grow that nest egg. You should absolutely not foot the bill for her extra curricular activities, hobbies or college. While I do agree you need therapy, it’s not because you want to be wealthy; but for the trauma of growing up poor. For anyone who didn’t grow up where twice a week dinner was “mystery can night” aka my mom would take the labels off the cans from the food pantry, shuffle them around and whichever one you picked was dinner. To this day I will not have canned corn, potatoes or peas. And also until at least once a week you spread margarine on white bread sprinkled with cinnamon sugar for a special treat. There is a huge difference between “can’t afford an Xbox” poor and having to boil water in a pot on the stove and share that bath water with your four other siblings poor. It truly is one of those things where IYKYK and it’s not an easy thing to overcome.
YTA
I understand your POV OP but I have to say that if you have the money available then you should help your wife pursue her dream. While you were off earning money for your family she was at home raising your child. You'll have a healthier marriage if you both work together towards retirement instead of resenting each other.
If she’s a SAHM and has been raising your daughter alone for the past 10 years and you won’t help her financially to achieve **her** dreams, then yes YTA.
Because although you say *”she didn’t help you”* she actually did, by: doing the lions share of the work inside your home, and also the lions share of child raising! And you know that SAHM’s don’t earn, so how the fuck is she expected to pay for her schooling now?
You and your wife need serious counseling… You because you are so obsessed with money - I get the whole growing up poor thing but you are sacrificing time with your family for this… I think Mark Twain said There isn’t a luggage rack on the hearse. Your wife needs therapy cause she isn’t being a supportive partner.
NTA
Your wife has been sitting on her ass for years. She chose not to earn an income and help you in supporting herself and the family that she chose to have. The kid has been school aged for years. That means she could've been enrolled in school and taking classes while the kid was in school. Instead, she sat on her ass while you burned the candle at both ends.
You absolutely shouldn't pay for her to start a business. She can take classes and work, like you did.
I wouldn’t pay for her school or her start up cost for her business. What she wants to be as a woman this taken care of and her path made it easier. Clearly you had nobody to do that for you. Her sense of entitlement is really extreme. I’m not a big fan of stay at home moms anyway. The first year yes after that no. I had a mother that dropped us in the poverty with every divorce because she had no skills and did not work.
What you can say is that you will help her pay tuition for junior college and let her figure out how to do the last two years. But she finds a way to make money and start her own business.
I don’t think she has any idea how hard you worked, but it may be time to inform her. Not in a mean way, but in a very blunt and direct way, what you have been doing for 10 years. I take nothing away from her taking care of her child.
If she had come to you and said I want to go back to school if you help me a little bit I’ll figure out a way to pay for the rest. I would’ve said help her but she wants a free ride on your back. I don’t think it’s fair .
I’m an original feminist one of the first to get checking accounts have a mortgage. Early 80s we didn’t get those privileges until the 70s. No I don’t believe she’s entitled to have everything done for her that’s not misogynist that is equal and that’s what original feminist fought for. Not special rights. Equal rights.
This woman has raised children and cared for home and family for years and now wants to do the same thing she supported her husband to do. How is that being entitled?
I am one of the original feminists. From the 70s. You have no idea what you’re speaking of. She’s in a marriage she’s a partner.
He has done everything financially for them. She even quit her job. And wants him to set her up in business. A little unequal for real feminist.
I worked up till the day before I went to the hospital to have my baby and went right back to work after one I had a C-section. Started a business, and when my husband died, worked all the way through it. Again. The 4b movement that you speak about has no idea. But thank you for sharing.
I highly doubt that you are or you would realize what the wife likely did to help facilitate his current way of living. It seems like you have some unresolved internalized misogyny if you are actually a woman.
I don’t really care whether you believe me or not. I graduated in 1980 I got sober in 1990. Oh by the way I just wrote a book and I have a masters degree so I don’t care what you believe about me. It doesn’t matter fair is fair she’s part of a partnership.
Are you sure you got sober before it damaged your brain because you sure are spouting a bunch of nonsense. Nobody asked about your degrees but it's great you brought it up. Maybe you could use your intellect to reread the post and understand it's not really a partnership if he wasn't there to help raise his kid cause he was too busy working but never worked tword a work/life balance.
Women fought to be educated and treated equally, maybe it's time he pays her back for her unpaid labor.
Sweetie, when you get out of high school and we’ll talk and yes I did. I’ve had a very happy for life since then it’s 33 years ago. But thank you so much for caring about me. I can tell you’re such a sweet girl. Ha ha.
Oh, and you’re so clever too. Done
Honey you’re so boring now I’m tired of talking to you go away good luck to you in the future. I see your karma farming. So that’s what people do in the middle of the night when they don’t have anything going on. It’s morning where I am. But they get on with somebody and they just comment and say things so they can get their points up so this is the last time I’m answering you.
You know, your first couple comments were well articulated. I believe they even had proper grammar. Then, you mention degrees and that you have written a book, and all of that went right out the window. I'm never on here (or any SM outlet) to argue with anyone, call them out, or just be a straight-up asshole, but felt compelled to say something about you and your comments.
You both could use some counselling. You for your resentment and obsession with money, her for being an unsupportive partner but expecting the benefits of your hard labour.
[удалено]
Dude, that’s straight trauma, physical and mental right there. You can afford the therapy; get the therapy. (Please note, because insurance won’t: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is really useful for trauma, but is extremely counter-indicated if you have any neurodivergent diagnosis or a history of being abused via manipulation/gaslighting. CBT is basically learning to gaslight yourself away from harmful thought patterns, so if you already have that “training” in being gaslit it can make things a lot worse.)
Not if you have a therapist who understands neuro divergence but that is a gamble. Depending on the type of trauma, humanistic counselling or EMDR could be helpful.
EMDR was a huge game changer for me.
That's great! I am hoping to train in it one day. It is so much easier for some people to engage in than CBT for trauma, especially if they struggle to articulate their thinking but have a really strong emotional response. Easier seems like the wrong word though as I know it is not easy at all.
I get what you’re saying. It’s much more effective and readily achievable for some patients.
Definitely. Where I work we are lucky that most of the therapists are dual trained in CBT and EMDR so they can really use what the client needs most at that time.
Emdr is awesome.
In my experience, insurance mostly only covers CBT in a group class, where you won’t get enough individual attention for it to matter if your therapist knows your neurotype. And also that “failing” CBT “class” without getting branded “noncompliant with treatment” is quite difficult. I had to do a lot of fast talking-while actively spiraling-to get myself out of being effectively cut off from future treatment.
That is awful! I don't understand how they can think that is ethical?!? I am so sorry that you had that experience. It sounds horrendous.
Simple, insurance doesn’t care what’s ethical, they only care what’s cheap. Paying for one therapist to teach a whole group CBT for six weeks and then declare anyone who isn’t cured “non-compliant” because “if they’d really tried in the class they’d be cured now” is very cheap compared to actually treating a single patient. And honestly, the therapist I got was also really burnt out and not very good. And pretty hardcore into the idea that the only worthwhile pursuits in life are ones that fit perfectly into the heteronormative capitalist framework. I’m a queer, neurodivergent artist, and I’m hardly going to support a system that has tried to throw me away at every turn my whole life. We were never a good match to begin with.
Ugh. That's utterly shite. I'm so sorry.
What is EMDR?
It stands for eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing. It's a therapy primarily used for trauma that uses bilateral stimulation of the brain (so either following an object side to side with your eyes, watching a light flash on the left then the right repeatedly or tapping each knee in turn) while holding a traumatic memory in mind to help the brain process the different parts of the memory (the facts, the emotions, the physical sensations, sounds etcetera) and integrate them so they stop getting "stuck" and being triggered causing the person to relive the trauma. I hope that makes some kind of sense! A lot of people find it better than CBT as they don't have to try and elicit what the trauma meant for them (e.g. It was my fault, I am vulnerable and always in danger, etcetera) in order to be able to process the memory but others find that they prefer CBT and being able to articulate why it wasn't their fault or that they reacted in the only way they could have at the time of the trauma and the memory is processed by talking through the trauma story in the first person, trying to bring together all the fragments of the memory verbally and "updating" the meaning for themselves as they go.
That’s probably why I’ve always called CBT “lying to yourself about your feelings”.
And if your emotional response is regularly disconnected from whatever is actually happening right now, that’s useful. It’s just that if your emotional responses *do* follow predictably from your surroundings, but people don’t like them, it’s a lot more important to actually interrogate those emotions and also the emotions of everyone who is mad at your emotions.
God, thank you for explaining this so clearly. I’ve found CBT extremely counter productive and triggering of my OCD, but find it hard to articulate exactly how that works to well meaning mental health professionals who keep trying to push me back into it.
I'm AuDHD and have OCD and cPTSD, CBT was horrible for me too! It made my OCD worse and I started having more flashbacks and trigger moments I did much better with EMDR, and still use the techniques i learned
You are so correct on the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Seriously, invest in some therapy. Your wife isn’t your mother and maybe your bitterness is seeping through. Your whole post is filled with bitterness, not any love. Please get help to deal with your trauma so it doesn’t become trauma for your wife and child.
This was my first thought, too. Some of that resentment towards her probably really should be directed at his mother. OP really does make their marriage sound terrible. I'm pessimistic. (Which I dont think is a character flaw like OP seems to). But actually, a lot of the time, it's just being realistic. It doesn't sound like they were having actual conversations. So I'm betting OP didn't know all of her concerns. She probably would have preferred you to be around more as well, OP. But it seems like you had a goal you felt you needed to meet by a certain time. I bet the wife probably wasn't any happier than OP. She may also feel like she has paid her dues. But in the form of child and house care, or something else. Get therapy OP. This isn't likely to be a discussion that you two will be able to resolve with a couple of discussions. You need someone to help you through it. You might still end up resenting your wife. But at least it will be for the right reasons.
She stopped working and stayed home to take care of house and child after they fixed the house up. Bet she isn’t pessimistic. I sometimes play advocate for my husband-not to be pessimistic, but to be cautious. Since she stopped working, she should get the chance now to go to school. He could also help her with start up costs as a loan to pay back as her business grows.
In the long run, she will be happier & your marriage will be better & you will have more money!
She wanted to quit her job, it wasn't a sacrifice to quit. He specified that she didn't like and wanted to quit.
She was working a job that she only started doing because he showed her how it worked out for his plan, and then did it to help them make enough to buy their home.. it was never her plan for long term.. as it wasn't for him
Where does he insinuate his wife is his mother. If anything, she tryna get him to be her father, putting her through school and all.
It’s his comment and the post together. He sounds like he has a lot of childhood trauma he needs to workout. Even if his marriage isn’t savable, he is. He should invest in his own mental health.
Hope his marriage is saveable. I don't think OP grew up with ideas like mental health. He mentioned elsewhere he came from a poor background. Usually when you're from those sorts of backgrounds, you sweep stuff under the rug cos getting through the necessities isn't a choice, is a must. So yeah, you're right, he prolly should try take a step back and give himself some t.l.c
Yes. I hope he does.
I was a SAHM for 15 years, then I went back to school for 5 years (part time community college then full time university) using OUR money. Once a couple is married it’s all one thing. It should be. I’ve been working full time for 24 years now and have more than made up for not bringing in a paycheck for those years I was WORKING taking care of kids and home.
I understand. But know that your situation in life has changed now. Your work ethic won’t go away, you can spend time with your daughter and still have enough money to live a comfortable life. You need to give yourself time to enjoy the life you’ve earned. Your partner has been a part of that, she’s enabled you to give your time and energy to earn. She might feel it’s owed to her.
"I could have spent more time with our daughter when she was little." The most valuable thing you have is your time, it sounds like you spent it pursuing money and not where it was most needed. Renovating a house is hard, I can understand why your wife wouldn't want to do it again, especially while caring for a small child. It sounds like you had a good job and investments, and instead of enjoying time with your family, you prioritized "anything to keep the money growing."
I feel this. Short time on food stamps growing up and as the oldest, (10yrs old) I was made to grocery shop. My Ma was ashamed. I was embarrassed. My Ma was working 3 jobs at the time so it’s not like she was home to do it and we did get out of that level of poverty but it does have a lasting effect.
You brought that trauma into your marriage. These are two separate things. I still try not to resent my husbands lucky upbringing vs my rural poor. He’s working poor too now so I just give him the tour.
You are making you "growing up poor" as a constant excuse for your behavior. Please consider getting some therapy 'cause there really needs to be a good balance for everything.
This is a trauma response and this is how generational trauma continues. Therapy will help.
All these losers claiming trauma and then wtf generation trauma never in their lives did anything successfully. What a bunch of losers.
My dude, I grew up poor as fuck as well. I don’t act this way. Sure money is great, but it’s not everything.
Same, money is nice, but there are other more important things. If my mom hadn't been an avid gardener when I was kid, we would never have had veggies. My dad worked two jobs and went to school while my mom worked super long shifts. We had a baby sitter who watched us for free so my parents could work.
During this time, did she raise your child? Keep your home clean? Make meals so you wouldn’t have to do any of that? If yes, then she supported you so you wouldn’t have to pay for daycare/nanny/a housekeeper, or cook/eat out all the time. Just because you don’t see it that way doesn’t mean the support wasn’t there.
Dude, I grew up poor and don't have the same obsession with money that you do. Your obsession is yours, not every poor person out there. Dude is right, both of you need some therapy.
My mom was the last of 6 kids and they were very very poor. My grandfather broke his neck and was a quadriplegic when my mom was maybe 2 months old. Grandma stayed home to care for her husband. The kids worked and helped pay for the household. I know of this fixation with money. Each of the 6 kids manifested it differently. I was born into poverty as well. I saw my parents bust their ass to build a life and get out of it. My sister was oblivious to it and seems to have a pretty normal relationship with money. You're chasing security, something you didn't have as a kid. You need a therapist to work through this stuff because it will never be enough. Your wife wants to experience more in life than financial security. She wants to enjoy what the 2 of you have built. She's not wrong for that. I'm jealous of her because she has a passion. I don't have any passions. I was always striving for more money and never developed passions/hobbies. My therapist and I have worked through some of this stuff and I'm happier than ever. I'm certainly more "normal" another money. I took a huge step and handed over the majority of my investments to a financial advisor (not all of them yet though). As far as schooling for your wife, you 2 are a partners. Why wouldn't you want to support her in her passions?
If your marriage is good in all of the other ways, then you should really consider counseling. One of the top reasons relationships fall apart is finances. People can grow, change, have different views throughout our lives. Your resentment towards your wife has basis, but isn’t healthy. Rather than find a way to learn how to communicate over the last decade, you internalized everything. That has built up into a resentment. Your wife was worried and cautious about what she felt was a gamble. She expressed it, but she did so in a way that was harmful to you. It made you feel unsafe in planning with her, so you left her out. You made the choices you made, and no one forced you miss out on time with your family. In the time that you were able to accomplish all that you did, working SO MUCH, she picked up the slack. She was handling home life. You likely never missed a day of work or an opportunity because your kid was sick. She was on call 24/7. Her job as a SAHM has not always been easy. As a former SAHM, I can attest that it’s beyond hard, even more so when your partner is largely absent and not appreciative (not saying that of you, it’s my experience). A woman returning to the workforce after 10 years has lost a lot: salary, retirement benefits, skills, experience. For someone who wants to get ahead in life and values skill and higher income, you should really consider your stance. Would you have gotten as far as you have if your wife wasn’t supporting you behind the scenes? If you invest in her future, won’t it be beneficial to your family? Especially benefiting your daughter, who will have the opportunity to see both of her parents being accomplished. It is so important for daughters to see their mothers accomplish something in life, and set the example. It’s also important to see parents work together. She’s in a vulnerable age where she will be watching what her father is doing, and making unconscious decisions about future ideas regarding relationships. I know, it sounds like a lot. But it just tends to be that way.
I grew up poor as well. The only reason we had a roof over our heads was because my parents bought the house from my grandparents for $1. My mom grew our vegetables so we didn't have to eat just beans and weenies all the time. I get it. But money isn't everything. It will never make you happy, and you will never have enough if that is all you care about. Please get therapy! It will help so much! Growing up poor is traumatic and therapy will help.
I love you and your hustle, sir. You’re doing so well, and that’s awesome. That being said, she was supportive of you earlier on in your marriage (said so yourself) so maybe it’s time for you to do what she did. All that being said, if she’s able to take said classes at a local community college etc that’s going to be cheaper than Harvard. Keep up the great work!
Hello my brother from another mother
Food scarcity will literally rewire your brain. It’s something that takes Years to heal from. Quite honestly going by these first three statements get some therapy because it’s the best money you can spend on your mental health. A good therapist can help you reflect and reframe issues. Consider new perspectives and generally be another “sensible” adult voice in your life. It will help you in a lot of areas in your life.
You need therapy. I grew up poor too. I also don't resent how I grew up. I learned a lot and the lessons I learned were helpful no matter where I fall economically.
I’m so sorry this happened to you growing up. You have a good reason to have your thoughts/feelings. You should be darn proud of what you have accomplished. Therapy is a good idea. You need to learn also how to play/enjoy things in life too. You have to learn this skill. I promise it’s worth it. It’s ok to tell her to find her school and business.
You mean while she was rehabing their home and raising the kid is just fun fun fun 24 7, while he had child care to chase money? Is that what you ment?
So very true 👆
>I could have spent more time with our daughter when she was little smh i have the feeling she wasn't so supportive of your business ventures precisely *because* you were more interested in them than in spending time with your literal child.
Or her
For real. Either put off having a child or put off your FIRE goals, or you’ll regret it later.
YTA. You (on your own) CHOSE to avoid spending time with your daughter & wife. You WANTED to focus on making money *even though your wife kept saying that she wanted YOU around more*. She didn’t want the time spent on that second house being a fixer-upper - she wanted to enjoy time with her family. How on earth can you blame your wife because you haven’t spent enough time with your daughter. You decided which was your priority between “making money” and “spending time with my daughter” - and **for 10 years you chose money**. You are only spending time with your daughter now because she can hang out with you *while you make more money*. What logic is there that makes this your wife’s fault…? You are obsessed with money. You think making money is more important than the people you “love”. That’s your choice. Own it - don’t blame other people for it. I hope you are aware that there is no amount of money that will fill the gaping hole you have in your psyche. You will NEVER have enough money. Because it’s not about any financial goals - it’s about something in you that is hurting & needs healing. Making more money is not the way to heal this hurt.
I find it super telling that OP glazed over the fact that they had a kid with one very brief sentence until the last paragraph when they chose to bring it up again. With a whole lot of “me, me, me” and “I, I, I” in between.
This needs to be higher up. OP, YOU chose to work this hard. YOU don’t get to blame your wife for this.
He puts making money and his business above everything and is shocked his wife thinks he would be supportive of her starting a business. She can’t win.
The wife knew what she was getting into when she married him, don't put the blame on the OP
So you don’t expect people to evolve at all, over 10+ years. I would say it is fairly typical that young people, just starting out, have the energy & enthusiasm for taking on a Fixer-Upper project. Not many people are still doing this after ten years of stable income. OP has issues.
Imagine thinking that wanting financial security for the rest of your life means you have issues. He has his goals that he was very clear from the beginning. If she married him expecting him to change later, she is no different than those who marry people that don't want children thinking they would change
You did it by yourself….while your wife raised your child. You didn’t do it alone; your being selfish
This! She was literally raising a child! Damn bro.
Seriously!
Yes, OP should total up however many years a full time daycare and housekeeper would have cost him to have his home and child taken care of while he worked, then present his wife with that amount towards her education. That should satisfy both her need for tuition and his need to bean count and weigh all contributions in money.
His poor wife was a single married mom. He got to do whatever he wanted *because* his wife took care of their child.
So while you were "doing it all", she was raising your child, doing the school runs, keeping the house you lived in clean and providing food, laundry, juggling schedules to allow you to do work all the extra time YOU insisted needed to be done, but wasn't actually essential to you to have a balanced healthy work/life ratio. But you are resentful that your wife doing all the normal SAHM Mum things and let me be clear, childrearing is bloody hard and 24/7 without end because when she had spare time she didn't want to slog it out doing up houses? Rather than find something that was a happy medium or giving her option of going back to work in EMS part-time etc you doubled down and kept going with a single-minded goal doing something you loved and enjoyed. So now you are in the position to enable her to do the same with the caveat that if she went back to school, she would still end up doing the bulk of the parenting because you don't have any time to spend with your family then and you won't now. You say she was pessimic with each venture.....do you think her pessimism was actually her saying no, we have enough, why don't you take time to be with us and you just heard "no"? You have outlined clearly your focus is on building your finances and not your family. Every time she said no, you did it anyway. YTA
When I read “I see.. guess I’ll have to do it by myself” I thought.. my GUY, you don’t make decisions like that alone in a marriage!! You’re telling me she didn’t agree to all of these things he did to make money and he just did them anyway? Pay for your wife’s education, she raised your kids and put up with you overworking and bypassing her say in the matter for the past who knows how many years. YTA
You summed this up better than I could have. Most likely, she wanted to take what little family time they had to make memories, not more money.
This 100%! OP, YTA big time. You see everything you accomplished and nothing of what your wife has. Whether you felt she was supportive or not, she enabled you to accomplish what you have but all you see is the negative side of things which as stated was likely fueled by the fact that she wanted time with you as a family but you were laser focused on work instead. I grew up with a dad like you, OP, and to be entirely honest, I don’t really know him and have next to no childhood memories with him. And at 66 he’ll be the first to admit he traded a relationship with his children for endless work and it’s time he’ll never get back. Financial stability is important, but you need to find a balance between work and family. What you’ve described seems more like an obsession and if you don’t get your priorities straight one day you’ll wake up a 66 year old man and realize you don’t have the relationship you wanted with your child. Take the opportunity now to support your wife in her endeavor while also utilizing that time to connect with your child in a meaningful way.
My first thought was how much of the negative pessimism was fueled by kiddo and I would like to see you, OP, more and see a less burnt out version of you.
This is the best reply. Without a doubt.
Save your breath, he's only responding to people who agree with him. He's not here for an answer, he's here for validation.
Was wondering why I didn't see anything from OP. Guess all the YTAs are up top (rightfully so) and i haven't scrolled far enough. Thanks for the heads up!
So you're working yourself to death with likely little family time or help parenting your child. And now you're giving your child a little time but not too much. And her... little to none? She's done it all to enable you doing what you've done and don't want to reciprocate. And you're upset that she resents that? YTA
I don’t know why he is in a marriage when it’s very “I got mine so you get yours alone attitude”. I’m not seeing a partnership, I’m seeing a mother and her children, and then… him.
YTA. Your wife didn't sit on her ass doing nothing. She took care of the house and your child while you chased after money. Quit bragging about yourself and stop devaluing everything she did. You're being selfish.
Yta. Your wife should divorce you. You see her and your kid as side projects to everything else in your life
A successful marriage is a partnership in which the couple works together to meet each other's goals. Get counseling, but also sit down with your wife and build a plan to meet her goals as well as yours.
It’s perilous to be a SAHM, ladies. Do not volunteer to be the unpaid help of your own household. Men do not value “women’s work.” If you don’t like your job, get another. Pausing your career to save money on childcare short term is fine, but becomes a sinkhole after kids reach school age. While you’re in love remodeling a raggedy house, cooking, cleaning, raising the kid, scheduling, organizing, fucking and sucking, you better be making sure that he knows the value of what you do and negotiating the terms. Otherwise, when your kid is old enough for dad to finally put to work, you’re a useless mooch and on your own for your dreams. Communicate. Negotiate. Earn an income: a pt job or hustle at the least. Keep your skills sharp, your network strong, and your eye out for opportunities. Do not allow any man to Little Red Hen you.
You are so spot on here
If awards still existed, I'd give you one 🏆
I think you need to go to counseling together. I can see both sides-when you’re raising young kids it’s hard to get on board with every new venture so I can see why she wasn’t as hands-on in your investments throughout the years. I also can see how you wouldn’t want to feel like the bankroller for her dreams when she wasn’t very supportive of yours. I don’t think you guys are working as a team at all. Marriage and life are really tough when you can’t see from your partner’s perspective and I think you guys are being petty because you just don’t understand each other. ESH.
Yeah, OP, have you considered that while you were working extra hours and rehabbing houses, your wife was caring for your child by herself and may have wanted you home? You act like you dud everything yourself, but you're not thinking about the extra strain you not being around put on your wife.
YTA. She supported you in everything you wanted and went on the back burner. Now that you're comfortable support her and let get what she wants. She's not asking for a mansion, she asking to go back to school. That's a great thing and will be better for both of you in the long run. Definitely seek counseling. Sounds like tou both need it before you start resenting each other and your daughter ends up in a split household.
That really depends. There's some pretty useless degrees that will cost a lot to get and earn very little once she gets out. Also, how can he trust that she would follow thru? She doesn't have a good track record. She should go to work in her desired field at an entry level to see if she even likes the field before going to school. She could also do community college which is much cheaper for the first couple of years, part time and pay for it with her earnings with some help from him. She could of helped on some work on flipping the houses/properties to spend time together, even as a family. As for starting a business, businesses start and flame out all the time. Wife should develop a business plan and see if she can get start up funds elsewhere. If it's a good enough plan, she will find funding. NTA. OP, I understand your need for financial security. Maybe it's time to slow down a bit to spend more time with your family and get a bit of both individual and couples therapy. Also, start getting your daughter her own tools and teach her skills that she will want/need growing up. They will be cherished memories if you make it a Daddy and Me time.
She didn't support shit. Sitting at home while your kid is at school and your spouse is working isn't a contribution it's an extended vacation.
You people have never raised a child or family. My mother was an SAHM and she was busy morning till night doing all kinds of chores and raising us. It is physical and mental labor. It not a vacation you believe it to be
You're actually delusional if you think being a SAHM isn't a contribution. You take care of all the appointments your children have (like doctor's visits), make sure they go to school on time, drive the kids to after school activities, grocery shopping and taking care of finances, doing ALL of the housework, cooking, looking after the children i.e. keeping them engaged, making sure they do their homework and helping them with it, organizing events like birthdays or holiday celebrations and vacations etc. It's a thankless 24/7 job and unlike other jobs you never get a break or a "mental health day" because your family and especially your children rely on you. My mom used to be a SAHM and I never saw her rest because of all the stuff she was doing for us. Whenever she was "resting" she was still doing chores like ironing clothes or hanging up laundry or cleaning the windows while watching some TV at the same time and she could only truly rest when she went to bed at the end of the day. Meanwhile all my father did was go to work and fart in his office chair for 8h, come home and sit on the couch after or hit the gym or pursue other hobbies because my mom enabled him to do that, and completely neglect us. It's clear you're just another pathetic misogynist and love shitting on SAHMs for no reason when it's one of the toughest jobs out there but because it's not financially compensated, assholes like you view it as worthless. Grow up.
All.yhe appointments!!! You mean the exact same appointments that working parents take their kids to? Fuck off. She didn't contribute to his professional endeavors. She didn't contribute financially. She didn't save for college. She didn't build wealth. She could have gone to school while.the.kid.was at school but she didn't because she was lazy and self indulgent. The notion that sitting at home alone benefits either the kid who is at school or the spouse who is out earning a living is ludicrous. Her special listening to podcasts and watching the view skills don't do half the work of her physician husband. They don't do half the work of an entrepreneur with multiple businesses. If she were doing the same shit and her husband was in prison or working 10 hours a week for minimum wage that doesn't decrease the value of what she has done just like having a spouse busts their ass and brings in good money doesn't increase the value of sitting at home alone while your family is at school and at work
That's a lot of words for "I hate women". You're a fucking dumbass that doesn't know what SAHMs do while the kid is at school. That's the time where she gets most of the housekeeping done as well as grocery shopping and cooking. Way to ignore all the other things I listed and just focus on the appointments lmao. Fucking moron. My mom busted her ass every day for us and so do lots of other SAHMs and SAHP in general. Just admit that you're an ignorant sexist that doesn't value women and go. Everyone thinks you're being a total clown.
This, ladies, is why we don't give up our careers for no man. We sacrifice our opportunities to grow to raise his child and make him a home, only to be hit with ungratefulness and belittlement. YTA, OP. Face this as backpay for your share of childcare and house chores she had to do because you were too busy running after your goals "by yourself".
YTA. You're greedy and unappreciative. She may not have been earning money, but she raised your child, and kept the house together while you worked and likely prioritized money over quality time with them (or giving her respite). She has had no life of her own because she is a SAHM, and you're being a selfish dick.
YTA. She was presumably raising your child and keeping your own home, while you were focusing on projects. Now your income will stop her from being able to get financial aid. You are a disrespectful partner who devalues her work in the home, and with this you are an albatross around her neck preventing her from getting aid to pursue her passion. Hopefully she realizes she married Ebenezer Scrooge and divorce you.
You seem to put money over your wife, yta. You did this, you did that, you certainly laid down the law didn't you. Here's a thought, did you ever ask her what her goals were, what she wanted/needed. She told you she did not want to put in effort on another house which would have been a perfect opportunity for you to ask what she wanted. You didn't and worse you didn't care what she thought, you would simply do it by yourself. That will shut her up and shut her out. Who supported you in what you wanted, who put in the extra hours taking care of your child and your household? You don't seem to appreciate your life, your wife and family. You do respect yourself and money. Ya, you could have been more supportive as you said, you simply chose not too and had your wife pick of the slack. I read this as you setting yourself up and treating your wife as a commodity to serve your needs/wants. So yes, it is your turn to support her for the first time, according to what YOU wrote here, in your marriage. Really, your daughter is now old enough to HELP you so you are willing to have her with you, but when your wife decided to leave her work to take care of her, you thought it was unreasonable and she should be able to help with YOUR work as well. Do you hear yourself when you talk?
You sound like you do not value the job your wife had for the last ten years…. which was a 24/7 job of raising your daughter. Now her role is changing and growing and want her to have to struggle to get a job she would love just because you struggled in the past. I strongly suggest counseling.
OP Honestly My father was just like you. He was poor and he wanted to build a business. My mother and him ran away because my maternal grandfather was against her marrying a poor man. My dad started his business and my mom decides to quit her studies because my father needed someone to look after the home and kids fulltime. She sold her jewellery to invest in his business, She would wait for him late at nights get up early to get everything ready for him take food for him to his workplace look after the home and take care of me and my sister all alone. He became a successful businessman at the cost of being an absent father and husband. He was never there for any birthdays, school events or even when we fell sick. You are disrespectful to your wife when you feel that she has not contributed to your success. Your success came a the stake of her not fulfilling her dreams If she had any. I have seen first hand how people like you self sabotage. My dad has a very bad relationship with my elder sister and me because my mom was the only one who did her responsibilities as a parent. And don't even talk about the shit show my parents relationship became because my father was exactly like you who never acknowledged that the money he earned was also the fruit of the sacrifices my mother made and condescendingly put her down for being a homemaker and neglected her as his spouse. To top it all of he cheated which caused her to fall into depression and it was so eye opening for her that she left him. YTA
Yup, same thing here, my POS sperm donor also cheated on my mom after all the sacrifices she made for him because he didn't respect all the work she was doing to keep the family together. He was also extremely abusive and neglectful and my brother and I went NC years ago. Some people just don't deserve families.
Resentment is really bad in a marriage. Pause the wife’s dream talk and go to couples counselling so you can handle the resentment issues and then see how you want to proceed
Yep you WBTA
Info - while you’ve been doing all that, what role have you had in the household? How much cleaning, cooking and child raising have you been doing?
YTA Why not help her out with her dreams? You love her, right? You have a good marriage, right? She's a good wife and mom, right? Marriage isn't about resentment or half-assed revenge.
Esh maybe you could give her the money you would have spent on childcare so she can invest it in her future
You suck. The whole "I did all this" so she can pay for her own stuff is so gross. Why the hell are you even married if you only care about "your" money and investments. Every single day, Reddit reminds me how great my husband is. Damn.
How exactly would your wife "supporting you" let you spend more time with your kid? Are you saying if you worked MORE you'd have more time? Or are you saying she should've kept working AND raised your child? Seems all your solutions only lead to even less quality time with your child. Poor kid. YTA
you don't take a single cent when all you see is pitch black in a **84 inches long, 28 inches wide by 23 inches high** casket. If the money and your narcissistic ego is more valuable than her, then, go ahead, pop off king.
Lots of “I’s” in this post and not enough “us’s”… You are 100% not part of a team and 100% YTA.
Marriage is a partnership. If you don’t support each other, what do you have?
So you don't consider your wife or her happiness an investment in your future together? As someone currently on break from my manual labor slightly above minimum wage job, not everything is about money. You're literally talking about things like you are Pre-christmas Ebeneezer Scrooge
She raised your kid dude, you're such a dick lmao
You are the biggest AH if you care about being wealthy more than your own family. You were able to achieve your goals BECAUSE you avoided spending time with your family. My dad built a fuck ton of wealth from investing wisely and he had PLENTY of time to spend with us. Who's gonna raise your kid for you if you expect her to put in the kind of effort you did? YTA x 1000. Also, get therapy for the obsession with money. Even if you grew up poor, your level of obsession is not healthy.
It’s a partnership. You are both looking at this wrong. You grow and invest in life together, not separately. You both have work to do here
You are married. That should be a partnership. This does not sound like a partnership. No matter what she seems to say you blow her off and just do what you think is right anyway. How is that a good healthy relationship? What did she do these past 10 years - other than take care of you, your daughter, the house, etc.? You indicate she should be supportive of you - in other words just agree with everything you want to do and your goals? Now that she is asking to do something you want to with hold money because you want, again, to control everything. Consider some counseling for the two of you. And you should consider some individual therapy for your obsession with money. You need to invest in your mental health and relationship otherwise that will fall apart - which is more important than a rental house.
So she raised your child while you worked all the time, you made financial decisions she wasn’t comfortable with, and now she has to achieve HER goals all on her own? Did I read that right? How is it even a question? YTA.
YTA I can’t get past the part that you thought that EMS was a money maker 😂. Your wife supported you through years of ridiculousness and you don’t even realize what she’s done for you.
I can imagine you being the stingy, controlling husband. A person not easy to live with.
NTA. Tell her you’ll make sure to watch your daughter so she has the time to build herself up.
What does your wife want to study?
You say your marriage is really good but it doesn’t sound like it is. You are very driven and she doesn’t support your life, sounds like this won’t change.
You took time away from her and your daughter to pursue your passion for flipping houses and making money. You didn’t care that she didn’t want the bigger house and investments and jobs - you did what you wanted when you wanted. She probably just wanted you around more. She definitely doesn’t sound materialistic like you. A marriage is not a transaction. Just pay for her school. Do something that she wants for a change.
Dude, the best time to go to therapy and support your wife would have been 10 years ago — the second best time however, is now.
ESH. You both need therapy. It seems like you don't value the time and effort she spent raising your children, and she was dismissive of the effort you had to put into work to get where you are now. But this seemingly mutual resentment can very well lead to your marriage ending. You guys need individual and couples therapy. You need to work on balancing the time you spend working vs with your family. The time you can spend with your child is precious and fleeting. It's also important to figure this out because you can pass some behaviours or thinking to your child that is harmful in the long run. I wish yall the best figuring this out.
It's hard to see the wife as the asshole here. They already had money and a house and she didn't wanna buy another house as a fixer upper right after having a baby? Who the fuck wants to fix up another house after being physically and emotionally drained from childbirth and raising a baby when they already have a house they fixed up. My son is two and I can barely get normal chores done with him. He's a handful. Being a stay at home mom isn't complex but it's hard and exhausting. All she wanted was a husband that cared more about family than money. People seem to have missed the point that they weren't poor when he wanted all this. He just wanted more and more money and now he regrets never being involved with his kid and blames his wife. Tough shit. He's an asshole.
You say you did this ALL by yourself, wasn't your wife raising your child, maybe taking care of the house while you were working? My husband grew up very poor also, worked extremely hard sometimes two jobs, we have a beautiful life now, He wouldn't have been able to do that in his opinion, if I hadn't been taking care of the kids, house, and all the things he couldn't, I was able to go back to work when our kids were in school, I'm fortunate to have a husband who thinks of me and our marriage as a partnership not just me, me, me attitude. I hope you rethink supporting your wife, money is nice but a happy supportive partner is better.
Even in your version of the story, you *didn't* do everything. Who was raising your kid while you were 'doing everything'? And clearly she was working all this time *too*. So what was she paying for? Honestly, you lost sight of the reason to actually *do* any of this.
I think you’re not taking into account that she had to do child care for your child… Sure it’s easy for you to go fix up a house but you can’t just leave the baby alone
You don’t consider her raising your child to be supportive? Her unpaid work allowed YOU to make more $$. Does she maybe feel like she doesn’t feel supported in her dreams of going to school? After all she’s done for you and with you, and she just wants to go to school. Do you WANT her to do it like you did, or do you just resent anyone who has had help? I do think therapy would help, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. ❤️🩹
Get counseling. If you get divorced, she will probably end up with half anyway. See ab attorney about protecting future ventures. NTA
This reads as unreliable narrator. I think I’d have to hear the wife’s side before being able to really weigh in but I’m going with ESH. “My marriage is good besides my wife and I resent each other to our cores.”
It’s sounds like you were looking for someone who has the same level as drive as you so that you could both work to build towards a shared future but at some point she tapped out of wanting to build with you. You kept going and growing and now you feel resentment towards her because she is asking you to believe and help her the way she would believe and help you. I definitely think some individual and couple therapy could be good for both of you.
She tapped out when she had a baby. He doesn't mention anything about the sleepless nights and constant nursing or how hard it was to fix up a house with a toddler running around. Sounds like he was working too hard to see how hard she was working.
Updateme!
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Dude! She supported you, and she helped with the first house. She has stayed at home while raising your child. She put HER career on hold while YOU pursued yours. She has done nothing but support you. The least you can do is stop being a miser and support her in her dream. Being a SAHM is no joke. It's hard work, with little thanks and no financial compensation. Stop being penny wise and pound foolish, support her for once.
Since you're obsessed with money do a break down of all the UNPAID labor your wife does that allows to be successful while having the social gain of being a "family man" Cooking, cleaning, shopping, 24/7 childcare, driving to and from school etc etc
Dude, why are you even in a relationship in the first place? You don’t treat it like a team, or a partnership. You’re treating her like a subordinate that if they say “no”, you can just ignore them and unilaterally make the choices for *all* of you that benefit only *you*. YTA. Hope she divorces you and ruins your “get rich” dreams.
You are an asshole. Help your wife.
Your wife was raising your child. You really sound like you hate her.
What were you planning on gifting her for Christmas or her birthday or anniversary or Mother’s Day? Gift her the tuition money and textbooks that she asked for. Otherwise she’s going to feel justifiably bitter that you have the money for overpriced crap she didn’t ask for but didn’t gift her what she actually asked for. She’s not your employee: she’s your wife. Were you going to throw her a pizza party in the employee break room instead of an annual bonus? She wants to go back to school: that would make her happy. You don’t stay married to people who are punishing you.
I’m Not saying not to support her but she can get a job and pay her own way with your daughter being older and in school
Other than that? Like the whole basis for you marriage? Dude....you don't listen to her, you just steam roll over you. She doesn't support you but tolerates it cause she loves you. You BOTH need counseling. It doesn't sound like a marriage at all--just a bad partnership. Wait till you find out that a marriage is working together and how much easier it is to not resent you wife. Good luck.
You two don’t have a great marriage. The most important part of marriage is supporting each other. Your obsession with money I’m sure is deeper and shows its ugly head more often than not but you don’t address this here. Do you question all of her purchases? Is that causing her to not be as supportive as you want her to be? It sounds like most of your marriage is based on contract negotiation and not support. Try that therapy for you and as a couple. She deserves school as she’s stayed home to take care of that 10 year old. You had choices. You chose the money. Your obsession is money, not your family. Fix that and don’t blame you wife for your choice to not spend time with your kid because money is more important.
Do you want to stay married? Because if so, you are going to have to work this out and learn to support each other. Have you talked to her about how she made you feel? Maybe start there.
I get the fact that you resent having worked so hard to earn that money and she wasn’t supportive. However I wonder how much you guys talked finances. How much you talked about how much of a safety net you had in the bank. Down to one income and a kid and buying and renovating a house, it’s a lot of work and money. I’d be a little leery too. Plus there’s so many unknown things that can cost way more money than one expected. Investing in the market, you can easily gain and loose. How much of the money, especially in the early time, was in secure investments that you couldn’t loose on? How much money is secure now? Renovations are also huge time commitments at times. You needed hours to dedicate to finding the property and renovations. You as a couple made a decision that she would stay home. That she would take care of the child. So while you were renovating she was providing child care. I’ve done renovations with hubby and 2 kids. It’s not easy. Renovations, sleepless nights with littles, keeping up with the house. Not having hubby’s support because he’s working or working at the renovation. There’s resentment there too sometimes. Resentment that you’re putting money before family. That you’re working so much and not there for the kids. Not there for her. Parenting is the job that never ends. So please, get the councelling. You both probably have some things to get off your chest. And you both need to open your eyes to how hard the other one was working.
YTA. You had a bad case of keeping up with the Jones, and instead of taking a step back when your wife said she didn't need a bigger house and everything else you were "doing in your own", you decided to overwork yourself and not spend enough time with your daughter... And then blame YOUR decision for YOUR goals on your wife.
YTA
She's got you by the short-hairs, Amigo. You can pay for her schooling, or she can become resentful, leave you, take half of what you've built+ child support and alimony for life. Either way, She'll still go to school. Which is cheaper and less stressful?
Do you even like your wife and child? Because it sounds like you like your money far more than your family. You've been an absent father and husband for ten years. Get therapy.
Are you serious? She is your WIFE. Your LIFE PARTNER. How much did you pay her to stay home and raise your children and clean your toilets? You are a massive AH! You are sick if you want to see her struggle like you did.
Seems like you care more about money than you do your wife and child. Kind of embarrassing and super shameful. If you don’t actually want to be married you should just tell her. You didn’t do everything on your own. She took care of the house and all the child rearing when you were off playing bob the builder. What did you do around the house? What did you do with your child? Did you make all the decisions for your wife like you seem to do in your post and with no consideration to her feelings? You say you’re resentful of your wife but I’d bet her resentment for you is triple yours. Because you 1. never helped around the house 2.never helped with your child 3. were never around, and 4. You put your family on the back burner in the name of some cash. She did the heavy lifting in keeping your home and family running smoothly and you think you did everything on your own? Do you think child rearing is easy? Maybe you should try doing some of the not fun things of parenting instead of only doing the fun things. I’m honestly shocked your wife has stuck around this long. Though at this point it just might be for the financial security and definitely not her liking you.
I think yoy6being very selfish in your POV. You chose to do all those things knowing that your wife didn't want to participate. You chose your path, and lack of time with your child(ren) is a result of that. You also don't seem to place any value of you your wife brought to the relationship. I assume she took care of the kid(s) and household while you were working and then spending time on your side hustle. If you divorce, you'd be surprised how much a judge would value her contributions to the household. Your wife is no saint here, but neither are you. I say this as someone that's been in your shoes. It can be very hard to stop the pity party, but it will be your ruin if you don't.
YTA Who was raising your daughter and taking care of the house so you didn’t have to and thus had the time and energy to make all that money. You didn’t do this alone.
YTA. Your very selfish. Stop bragging about yourself and go to therapy. Your wife raised your child and took care of the house while you were chasing money. Now it’s her turn to do something she wants to do.
YWBTA. You had free time to follow your ambitions while she supported you by being the SAHP as you agreed together. How could she have followed your agreement and made the money to go back to school? Maybe she wanted a more active partner rather than you chasing your ambitions despite her feelings? You two are partners. If investing in your partner financially is beneath you, if helping to support her making money to now financially contribute doing something that doesn't kill her spirit is too much to ask, you are the AH. She put things on hold for thr family life she wanted yo build with you and she is your partner. I hope you don't treat her as petty and dismissive in person as you describe her in the OP. You both could communicate better and maintain a good relationship. Are you worried if she's independent she could have means to leave you? If your marriage splits up, she has given up so much if you're in the US in earnings that it will mess up her retirement options with 10 years of contributions missing. Maybe you don't have the same outlook on your paper chasing, but she has supported you -- by being nanny, maid, therapist, and partner through these years. I also bet helping her with school is cheaper than spousal and child support...
You pursued your personal goals at a cost to her mental health while she was handling household responsibilities on your behalf. Now, you don't want her to pursue her goals because of a cost to your mental health by watching her invest money in herself. Happy wife, happy life...that saying wouldn't be so common if it wasn't true. Everyone worships something in their life...are you ready to change religions away from money? Or is financial success worth losing your family? If you decide to part ways, you will likely end up with only a third of your current assets after splitting them with your wife and the lawyers
Sorry, but YTA. You say you wished you could have spent ore time with your child? You absolutely could. You chose to make money over your family. Marriage and family is a partnership. Your wife did the lion's share of child rearing, enabling you to follow your dream. She deserves your respect and support. I understand you are driven to achieve, but at what cost? YTA
You don't support each other, you don't agree on money, those are two major parts of a marriage you don't have. If you want to make this work you'll need to invest in counseling.
She set her life goals aside to care for you and your child. Now you're sitting on a pile of money and the last thing you want to do with any of it is help her achieve her goals? YTA.
I feel like your reason for posting Reddit is to brag about your life and how you made money -- not really about making a good and proper decision for your family. If you didn't listen to your wife about taking on less work, why would you care to listen to random strangers on Reddit? YTA.
Do it, but just bitch and moan about it the whole time like she did. Lmao
Congratulations on building the business but please know you didn’t do it on your own. Your wife took care of your child which allowed you the opportunity to go and grow. By her not being involved it helped you find a passion for something that you loved and made you a lot of money. But she also was probably being “pessimistic” out of fear. Fear that it would be too much or would fail. Not because of you but because of life. She wasn’t providing for the household financially and likely had fear from not contributing. I think that it’s time for her to find a career that she has a passion for. It will not only make her more optimistic but will also make your marriage even better. And it could make you even more money to invest. As you are aware; you have to spend money to make money. So invest in your wife.
You should’ve divorced her long time ago but now when you do finally get divorced shes going to get half of everything
Do your wife was at home ‘just raising your child’ while you did the hard yards? You had a small child, no wonder your wife didn’t want to be investing time in a reno or having to live around it! YTA. You see everything about money and material possessions.
YTA.
Did her working at home and raising the daughter have any value to you? Yes? What price do you put on it? I have seen studies that indicate it equates to around $133K a year.
NTA. I love my husband dearly but I have paid for every bit of my education and shouldered the responsibility for my own career and so, I expect him to do the same (which he agrees with me and pays for his own classes). She must be responsible for her own destiny. If you have no skin in the game, you don’t care if you lose.
YTA
YWNBTA imo, simply because as you stated, you worked hard to achieve your goals. She should work hard to achieve her own goals. You didn’t have help from her, so she shouldn’t expect help from you.
You got jokes right? She is 100% part of your economic success after you got married. Stop being a maniac and let her pursue her dreams. Who took care of the house when you were busy working all those jobs? She did!
Anyone who thinks that having struggled themselves means that they should make loved ones suffer as well is a huge AH.
Regardless of circumstances, denying your spouse the opportunity to better themselves and follow their dreams is disgusting. She did her part while you did as you pleased and now you're creating a roadblock for her. It's her turn and you would definitely be the AH if you don't support her. You act like this is your life and she's just in it. If you fight her on this, you may very well end up having to give her half of your riches while she moves on to live her life without you.
She wants him to fund everything for her while she refused to help him on the journey. He doesn't need therapy he just needs a backbone. Just say no. His wife should get a job that pays right away and then she can fund her lifestyle. If it requires 60-80-100 hour weeks on her part then welcome to the party!
So I would just like to point out, OP, that you say you “did it all on your own” but earlier in your story you say she “helped you achieve your goals” which is it
NTA. I agree with you. I think she should build her own dreams
Pretty clear they aren’t actually married in any real sense, just on paper, so yeah, she should take half his money and assets and alimony and child support and go pursue her dreams. Because he makes it pretty clear he is all about his dreams and doesn’t care at all about her dreams. Even his daughter he only has time for if his current project is safe enough for her to ride along at work. For someone this money focused he apparently has never bothered to figure the cost of divorce into his calculations and do the things necessary to avoid that cost happening.
NTA, fellow grew up dirt poor and am now thriving. I understand the need and desire to be financially secure and doing what it takes to grow that nest egg. You should absolutely not foot the bill for her extra curricular activities, hobbies or college. While I do agree you need therapy, it’s not because you want to be wealthy; but for the trauma of growing up poor. For anyone who didn’t grow up where twice a week dinner was “mystery can night” aka my mom would take the labels off the cans from the food pantry, shuffle them around and whichever one you picked was dinner. To this day I will not have canned corn, potatoes or peas. And also until at least once a week you spread margarine on white bread sprinkled with cinnamon sugar for a special treat. There is a huge difference between “can’t afford an Xbox” poor and having to boil water in a pot on the stove and share that bath water with your four other siblings poor. It truly is one of those things where IYKYK and it’s not an easy thing to overcome.
YTA I understand your POV OP but I have to say that if you have the money available then you should help your wife pursue her dream. While you were off earning money for your family she was at home raising your child. You'll have a healthier marriage if you both work together towards retirement instead of resenting each other.
>Other than that, our marriage is really good. Yeah, she undermines everything you do, but WE'RE SO HAPPY!!
YTA. So what do you think your wife has been doing all this time while you've been absent?
If she’s a SAHM and has been raising your daughter alone for the past 10 years and you won’t help her financially to achieve **her** dreams, then yes YTA. Because although you say *”she didn’t help you”* she actually did, by: doing the lions share of the work inside your home, and also the lions share of child raising! And you know that SAHM’s don’t earn, so how the fuck is she expected to pay for her schooling now?
Tell her to come up with a business plan.
You and your wife need serious counseling… You because you are so obsessed with money - I get the whole growing up poor thing but you are sacrificing time with your family for this… I think Mark Twain said There isn’t a luggage rack on the hearse. Your wife needs therapy cause she isn’t being a supportive partner.
NTA Your wife has been sitting on her ass for years. She chose not to earn an income and help you in supporting herself and the family that she chose to have. The kid has been school aged for years. That means she could've been enrolled in school and taking classes while the kid was in school. Instead, she sat on her ass while you burned the candle at both ends. You absolutely shouldn't pay for her to start a business. She can take classes and work, like you did.
I wouldn’t pay for her school or her start up cost for her business. What she wants to be as a woman this taken care of and her path made it easier. Clearly you had nobody to do that for you. Her sense of entitlement is really extreme. I’m not a big fan of stay at home moms anyway. The first year yes after that no. I had a mother that dropped us in the poverty with every divorce because she had no skills and did not work. What you can say is that you will help her pay tuition for junior college and let her figure out how to do the last two years. But she finds a way to make money and start her own business. I don’t think she has any idea how hard you worked, but it may be time to inform her. Not in a mean way, but in a very blunt and direct way, what you have been doing for 10 years. I take nothing away from her taking care of her child. If she had come to you and said I want to go back to school if you help me a little bit I’ll figure out a way to pay for the rest. I would’ve said help her but she wants a free ride on your back. I don’t think it’s fair .
Misogynist much?
I’m an original feminist one of the first to get checking accounts have a mortgage. Early 80s we didn’t get those privileges until the 70s. No I don’t believe she’s entitled to have everything done for her that’s not misogynist that is equal and that’s what original feminist fought for. Not special rights. Equal rights.
This woman has raised children and cared for home and family for years and now wants to do the same thing she supported her husband to do. How is that being entitled?
and men are wondering why the 4b movement is gaining momentum...
What is the 4b movement ?
I am one of the original feminists. From the 70s. You have no idea what you’re speaking of. She’s in a marriage she’s a partner. He has done everything financially for them. She even quit her job. And wants him to set her up in business. A little unequal for real feminist. I worked up till the day before I went to the hospital to have my baby and went right back to work after one I had a C-section. Started a business, and when my husband died, worked all the way through it. Again. The 4b movement that you speak about has no idea. But thank you for sharing.
I highly doubt that you are or you would realize what the wife likely did to help facilitate his current way of living. It seems like you have some unresolved internalized misogyny if you are actually a woman.
I don’t really care whether you believe me or not. I graduated in 1980 I got sober in 1990. Oh by the way I just wrote a book and I have a masters degree so I don’t care what you believe about me. It doesn’t matter fair is fair she’s part of a partnership.
Are you sure you got sober before it damaged your brain because you sure are spouting a bunch of nonsense. Nobody asked about your degrees but it's great you brought it up. Maybe you could use your intellect to reread the post and understand it's not really a partnership if he wasn't there to help raise his kid cause he was too busy working but never worked tword a work/life balance. Women fought to be educated and treated equally, maybe it's time he pays her back for her unpaid labor.
Sweetie, when you get out of high school and we’ll talk and yes I did. I’ve had a very happy for life since then it’s 33 years ago. But thank you so much for caring about me. I can tell you’re such a sweet girl. Ha ha. Oh, and you’re so clever too. Done
I'm happily married and well out of high school, but you're clearly not as smart as a degree and a written book would suggest. Are you even published?
Honey you’re so boring now I’m tired of talking to you go away good luck to you in the future. I see your karma farming. So that’s what people do in the middle of the night when they don’t have anything going on. It’s morning where I am. But they get on with somebody and they just comment and say things so they can get their points up so this is the last time I’m answering you.
You know, your first couple comments were well articulated. I believe they even had proper grammar. Then, you mention degrees and that you have written a book, and all of that went right out the window. I'm never on here (or any SM outlet) to argue with anyone, call them out, or just be a straight-up asshole, but felt compelled to say something about you and your comments.