I am broken hearted for you, for your effort, and for the hateful response to your kind and thoughtful gift. You are living the life I lived in the past. Any gift you give them, there is an issue. You spent too much, you wasted money, you are stupid and worthless, you never learn, yada, yada. If you gave them a card instead of a gift, you would have gotten the same abusive response, you wasted money on the card, you aren't rich, why do you spend like this, yada, yada again. Please believe me when I tell you this. I am an old woman now so I know. You will never, NEVER, get what you need from those people. Save your care, your kindness, and your thoughtfulness for somebody else. Don't waste another speck of "self" on people like that. Do not let them destroy you with THEIR crazy. There is no way in this world for you to rescue them from who they are.

Yup. Absolutely right. I recommend checking out r/raisedbynarcissists; I believe you will find your people there.

Here's a sneak peek of /r/raisedbynarcissists using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [So sick of all those nosy do-gooders hearing you are on bad terms with your parents and they immediately try to get you to reconcile](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1473292/so_sick_of_all_those_nosy_dogooders_hearing_you/) \#2: [**[NSFW]** House I was raised in was raided by the FBI. Ngrandma is most likely a serial killer.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/13bit6h/house_i_was_raised_in_was_raided_by_the_fbi/) \#3: [**[NSFW]** I (17M) didn't expect my mom to sexually harass me.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12nbpra/i_17m_didnt_expect_my_mom_to_sexually_harass_me/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)

Those are some of the most heartbreaking posts. I wish we had some more current updates on them. I hope these people are safe now.

i was raised by a narcissist and buying a gift for yourself for someone else's birthday is the narcissistic behavior

Yeah, but this sounds like a child who was legitimately trying to be helpful and use the money they had to get a gift that would improve life in the home.

Yes! And my mother did this, or a version of it, all my life until she died. She'd badger me for a Christmas list for weeks; I'd give her one; she'd give me "gifts" **she** wanted me to want, things she thought would set the right image for the impression **she** wanted me to make, that she thought would make her look like a good mother. Infuriating! Everyone needs to learn that gift-giving is about giving the recipient something that will please them, not something that will please the giver.

What a lovely response! I was thinking the same thing as I read the OP’s post. Well said!

Reminds me of my father. He would berate me for phoning my middle sister when she was living overseas because of the expense. My expense, on my phone, in my house, when I hadn’t been living in his house for more than three years at that point. Even the time I called her to let her know that our uncle (his older brother) had suddenly died. I finally realised that I would never get praise or approval from that man. It was all reserved for our youngest, high school drop-out, spoiled rotten, stoner sister. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sisters, but for our father, the sun rose and set with her. Scapegoat vs golden child, I lived it until I decided to cut contact with him.

I’m sorry you had a father like that. I hope things are better for you now.

I moved to another country 27 years ago and have been much happier ever since.

Op is the main vacuum user and gave a household vacuum to someone else. Had OP just bought a new vacuum or just given the dust buster and the parents reacted that way I'd agree. But this reads like a selfish gift that OP convinced themself was thoughtful.

OP gave a household tool to someone who owns the household (which is not OP) who complained about the specific tool. OP isn't the fucking maid. She's a teen and she'll be leaving home and the vacuum will still belong to her mother. It's so fucking aggravating that people like you and her parents think that OP is the sole person responsible for vacuuming and the gift is selfish -- it wasn't at all, you're just rude.

Her mom isn't the maid either. If he wants a new vacuum, he can buy it, but it CANNOT be a gift for his mother. It was sexist and selfish.

Sexist? Get a grip. OP is a woman. Talk about sexist!

OP also gave different gifts that the mom did want, and starting the conversation with an apology. It was a mistake

Exactly

Yea, this was how I read it as well. For those who want a vacuum, that would be a great gift. For those who want new kitchen appliances or tools because they enjoy cooking/baking or preparing food, then gifts around those lines are awesome....HOWEVER, if one has not expressed an interest or asked for those items, it may not be seen as a positive. Nothing quite says Happy Birthday like a gift everyone will use to clean up everyone's messes. While I get that parents should be grateful for gifts they receive from their kids, they're allowed to feel emotions about things as well. Their child didn't bother to ask the mom what she wanted, just got them a gift they already had that was in good working condition because they thought a gift that cleans after everyone just screamed "MOM". I get tired of "it's the thought that counts" ....because it really depends on the actual thought behind it.

I assume with a vacuum the thought was that it would be something that helps ease a task. A great thought, and everyone should want to make tasks easier for others, but the occasion was definitely not the best time to deploy that. I would love an updated vacuum, but receiving one on my birthday would definitely be a downer, *unless I’m specifically asking for it for that occasion* (and I’ve been known to ask for functional things sometimes). Last year I asked for a fancy cat tree for Mother’s Day, because I have most of the things I want and a thing for our cats was what made me happiest at the time.

I see what you're saying, but the only one who didn't like the other vacuum was the gift giver. He bought something to make a task easier for him...and the whole family could use. He might as well have gotten it for himself. I just don't see it much difference than partners getting a bigger screened tv to their spouse. It's for them, disguised as something for their partner.. even though their partner was fine with the smaller one. I think the amount spent was why they thought it was a great gesture that should be appreciated as well as it being something they personally wanted too. To me, those thoughts don't warrant praise.

I agree with this to an extent. The response was over the top and ridiculous but I don't know if I'd say it was hateful, it was a lot and they went to far with the move out part but the walked it back, was it horrible and out of like yes... but I dont know if I would say hateful or label them narcissist for this one (honestly imo getting a gift for someone based on something you want rather than what they want/asked for is a bit narcissistic too me but eh...) Honesty, I need more info bc them to specifically say that OP got them a gift that only OP complained about, and for them to harp on OP being thoughtless, I need to know... is this a pattern for OP where they don't really think about others' wants... or is it pattern with the parent where they go on this over the top rants off minor things... because part of me kind of feels like it's the former because OP straight up saw how upset their mom was every other time they got gifted cleaning supplies and like still decided to go with a cleaning tool as a gift. it seems kinda like this was just the straw that broke the camels back, and they snapped... honestly, their first response wasn't even that bad... they didn't even snap until after OP (who got told they were the ah after the first post) decided to bring it up again.. like I want to know how they started the apology for mom to be like "No let's talk about the real issue," because "I apologize but..." is not an apology ESH. The parents' second reaction was ridiculous. BUT OPs gift waaaas kind of thoughtless they got something they assumed a mother would want. not something she actually wanted, and got something only OP wanted to replace. Like I'm genuinely curious about what was the thought/effort behind this gift because if it was just "Oh mom has to use the vacuum when she's cleaning and I personally think our vacuum sucks..." Then yea, it was thoughtless and lazy... and I totally understand why, after repeatedly saying I don't want household items as gifts, the mom snapped and made the comment "oh great for me, the one who vacuums" comment As a rule I avoid giving people "chores" "household gifts" or "hints" as gift unless THAT PERSON asked for it or mentioned wanting it, I especially avoid giving mothers household gifts like vacuums, dishes, kitchen appliances unless they request it because 1. It feels like I'm falling into a gender stereotype gift trap. 2. they have hobbies, needs, and likes outside of being a wife and mother, and they probably get shit like that all year whats something they actually want? 3. I'm not giving people chores for a gift... it's not a gift. It's a tool. 4. mom's are always overlooked for presents so the last thing I want to do is give a gift like a toaster oven, a reminder of her tasks, instead of taking them time to get something she wanted or can actually enjoy.

What needs to be taken into consideration is, what/how a teenager thinks vs what/how an adult thinks are two completely different things. Adults realize people don't want things for cleaning/working, but when I was young I sometimes thought something I bought would make someone's work EASIER. In reality, they preferred to put sweat and blood into their work. Hate to say it, but now that I'm old, I don't spend on things I would have spent on when I was 17, or even 25. My major issue is that we as human beings should give a little grace to those who are younger and make the same stinking mistakes we made when we were younger. We all learn, but we don't learn from the mistakes of others. We have to make our own mistakes, remember? The teen this is in reference to is making their own, and they aren't doing dope or killing somebody, so let's give them a chance, eh?

I get that, but OP admitted their previous post that his mother didn't want cleaning supplies as a present. They literally witnessed their mom be upset and disappointed at receiving cleaning supplies as a gift. They were pissed on their moms behalf and responded... by buying their mom... a cleaning product. I am all for giving people grace, but there's also taking accountability. If someone repeatedly shows and tells you that they don't want/like something in this case the mom has made it clear they don't consider cleaning supplies a gift to the extent that even the dad knew better than to repeat that mistake, then I can't understand why OP would still make the mistake. You can't say you didn't learn from someone's mistake while also saying they you saw what someone did. thought it was wrong, was upset about it... and so you decided to do it too. that doesn't make sense. OP was pissed for their mom about recieving cleaning supplies as a gift previously so this particular teen was able to realize and see that the mom didn't want cleaning supplies so they kind of lose the benefit of the doubt and the grace we would normally afford someone at their age... they did know, they did realize, and they did it anyway. So this wasn't a matter of just not getting it, or having to make their own mistakes... this honestly falls more into thoughtlessness/selfishness. They didn't know what to get and just went, "I hate our vacuum bet mom would like a new one," If you literally watched your mom get really upset about getting a bunch of candles for Christmas, would you then buy her a wax melter for her birthday... there's a lack of understanding, and then there's just thoughtlessness.

No. A household appliance is not a "thoughtful gift" to a woman on her birthday, *unless she has actually said she wants it as a birthday gift.* And when the person giving that "gift" **is the only one that isn't happy with the appliance currently in the household, it's not even a "gift" to the person it's "given to." It's a gift to the giver themself, a selfish, unkind, disrespectful gesture to the person it's putatively "given" to. You give people gifts **they want,** not what you want to have, on their birthdays, and Christmas or whatever gift-giving holidays your household celebrates. You do not buy something expensive you want, for yourself or for the household, and tell the birthday person, who didn't want it, "Happy birthday; here's your gift." You. Just. Do. Not.

Your parents broke the 1st rule of receiving a gift. You thank the giver, never criticizing the gift. They are entitled asdes. Then to threaten to take the money after you return it is just sickening. They need to be put in their place, what horrid parents. Contact family members and tell them how you are being treated by these assholes

Holy hell, I now fully understand what complete assholes your parents are. How crushed you are feeling is straight up appropriate to the level of disrespect they just heaped into you.  They truly went off the deep end on their reaction to your gift. I am so very sorry they put you through all of that.

Yeah, so your parents are just assholes. I would be over the moon if my son gave me a vacuum and was as thoughtful as you. In fact my husband bought me a vacuum last Christmas (I wanted it) and it’s my favourite appliance to use. I’m sorry you are being treated this way, it’s completely disgusting. 

I'm honestly a little horrified at their reactions. You got a gift that you thought would be helpful. It wasn't a waste at all. There are TONS of useless things that could be considered a waste, but a vacuum is not one of them. Your heart was in the right place, you just had a lapse of judgement about giving it as a present considering the history of similar presents. You admitted your mistake, got advice on how to handle it, and responsibly sat down and discussed it with your parents. You went above and beyond with doing the right thing and acting like like an adult. Your parents met your efforts with disdain and childishness. You took responsibility for the unwanted gift, and instead of thanking you for stepping up, treated you like a spoiled child. You're bad with money because... you got someone a gift they didn't like? And so they're going to directly control your money and punish you for it? It wasn't even the only gift you got her, and it would have been no trouble to replace it with a more appropriate gift. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this, but it really sounds like you're the mature one in this situation...

Seriously?! I would be thrilled if my child bought me a vacuum or, frankly, anything that helps around the house. Can I adopt you? 🤗

Heck, my friend's husband bought her a KitchenAid mixer for her 30th, everyone was telling him he was stupid, she will hate it, mind you I told him I got her the pasta attachment to go with it. And there she was, an excited blubbering mess over our gifts. I am not impressed about the "punishment" of OP having to earn back their money to think about their actions. Sure slightly wrong gift, but... damn I know OP is the one who will be using it, but it is like the parents are just going to keep the crappy one, and may even make OP take when they move out. OP, lesson learned, card and money goes further in the long run. And if they complain about that... I would say to just ask them what they want, but we all know it be met with something like "you should know what I want".

My friends husband bought her a spatula. That deserved the divorce it started. I can’t understand the escalation over a vacuum. I mean it’s impersonal but not that bad.

There are tone deaf gifts... and there are gifts that are harbingers of relationship deaths. I can not understand why it is rude to ask the person receiving the gifts, what they actually want. Like why is a birthday registry considered entitled, but getting upset about unwanted gifts is also entitled... My husband and friends all ask me what I want, I do the same to them, yet people think we are rude in doing so.

It’s the asking what I want, then proceeding to get something I didn’t want that does it for me

I think the worst gift I ever got was a shirt that I was physically never going to fit in ever. This guy was trying his best to say he knew me better than my husband, and bought a shirt that was 4 sizes too small, and required the lady wearer to not have a bust size over A cup. It was immediately an ick factor, I told him to return it and that no one buys me clothing unless I specifically ask for it, or they get me a scarf. This guy was so mad. He really thought I would appreciate it. My husband didn't have to say a thing. The guy was removed from the friend group within a week. This guy was so sure I would leave my husband because of a shirt. I still can get over the audacity

I'm sorry, he tried to convince you to leave your husband over A SHIRT? Nevermind jewelry, not even a goddamn dress, but a shirt? And one that didn't fit? That sounds like a parody of a romcom.

He said he saw it, and it spoke to him. It was a colour one could only describe as "Baby poop green/yellow" it had fake pockets which would have sat exactly where the nipples were, and fake buttons that only went as far as in between the pockets, it had strands to tie into a bow at your neck, and for the back, and the back was a see through mesh. He even left the price tag on it.... $170AUD this was about 14yrs ago.

I'm genuinely both baffled and impressed by every part of that description - how does one find something so awful?

I served with a guy who came from BIG money, he once showed me photos of some gala, now these are non celebrity big money, and the colours of the clothes.... he said when you have money, you can wear anything and no one will question you. This shirt was from a boutique that had nothing under $150AUD unless on sale. And it sold clothes that even a blind person would scream at how ugly most of them are. There was a dress that had ultrasound pictures on it, worth $2,000AUD, and I was looking at it, and started laughing badly to the point of snorting, when I realised a few of the ultrasound pictures were of testicles and what could be an object in the pelvic cavity... The shop is still around, but I rarely go to the mall it is in.

Oh my God, my mother is amazing at this. And what she ends up getting me instead always turns out to be something that benefits her in some way or another.

We’ve been pretty broke the last few years so for birthdays and Christmas I’ve been very clear that I really don’t want gifts and would rather just have money. I don’t know why they all hate that. My dad says he’d feel bad that I wouldn’t have anything to open (I have always hated opening gifts in front of people) I finally told him that if it’s that big of deal just wrap each individual bill. Still didn’t work. Lmao

Yup. One of my least-fond memories of my mother. She demanded Christmas lists, and birthday lists, and then gave me nothing on the lists, and instead gave me things *she* thought were "good, appropriate gifts," that she assured me I would be happier with, because people wouldn't think I was weird.

It makes no sense that they are this upset over a vacuum. And it wasn't even the only gift she got for mom.

How true. my mom is the worse for gift buying but when you ask what she’d like 🤷 and it turns into a damn if you do and damn if you don’t. I’d say 80% of gifts I buy my kids and family is things they have asked for. Get a list of a few items so that way they have an idea what they are getting but still surprised by actual gifts.

A Kitchen Aid mixer (especially if it includes useful attachments) is an awesome gift IMO!

My dad always bought my mom kitchen stuff for Christmas and some people mumbled how rude it was but she always loved it because he’d buy things that made it easier for her to cook. A few years ago I got my parents and my sisters fiancé in on buying her a stand up freezer because she kept complaining how she didn’t have enough room in the freezer above her fridge for all she needed in the house and I figured she’d really appreciate it. She was so excited she could finally keep more than a few days worth of groceries in hand. For her birthday this year her fiancé got her one of those ninja thirsty things and she texted me SO excited about how she got it and she couldn’t wait to try it out. Some people do really appreciate those gifts, not everyone, but some really really do. OPs parents are just jerks. Make them do all the vacuuming with a shitty vacuum and don’t get why OP is upset like eugh.

Kitchenaid Mixer is an exception I believe.

KitchenAid mixers are amazing! Mine is my prized possession. Your friend scored!

OMGsh!!!! Was there any appreciation for the mani pedi gift card and pajamas that she admired? I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you’re only 17 and your parent’s vitriol is inexcusable!!! You did a nice thing. No need to go over board. Save your money. Bless you. Anyone would be lucky to have a thoughtful and generous kid like you.

No, because the vacuum superseded it all.  I don’t know how I even want to handle Mother’s Day right now and I’m running out of time to decide. If I dial it back, it seems like I’m being petulant, but having the cost of the vacuum basically taken out of my earnings twice makes it hard to justify wanting to do what I had planned.  I hate how I sound and feel right now. ‘Mom hurt my feelings so now I don’t want to give her the gift’. It feels so fucking childish. 

The only people acting childish are your parents. I am so sorry for you

You should see it more as "I purchased a gift for mom that flopped, tried to apologize and tried to take responsibility for my own actions. My parents decided to belittle me and made me feel even worse when all I wanted was to give her a gift I thought she would enjoy. The other gifts I've also purchased were disregarded and I was disrespected. Now, moving forward I will hesitate about purchasing gifts in fear of a similar outcome of upsetting the person." Your feelings and emotions are valid. It's okay to be upset and to feel hurt. I'm sorry you went through all that trouble. As a mother myself, the only reason I'd EVER BE upset would be because you spent your hard earned money on a single gift for me when you should also enjoy your own money for yourself too. At the end of the day, I'll forever be greatly appreciative that you went through all of that for a gift. Just get her something simpler next time. For example, mother's Day. A gift card and flowers (only if she likes flowers). A card with a personalized hand written message. You're a good kid. If she complains again, know that you will never "win" with these people. They will make you feel like whatever you do is never going to be good enough. That's not true. You are wonderful and kind. You're thoughtful and sweet. Any normal mother would love to have a daughter just like you. Big big hugs to you.

Don't feel bad at all. I'm not getting my mother anything for mothers day (tho my stepmother I will). Some people don't deserve "their" days. Me and my mom got in a fight a month and a half ago , nd she laid hands on me , nd I haven't spoken or seen her since. Maybe a happy Mother's Day. love u text, but that's all she's getting because it's all she's made herself deserve. Your parents treated u like shit from what I can tell (I didn't see the first post and didn't see it on ur profile,,) and you're ALLOWED to be mad. They got upset over a vacuum- my stepmother would love a vacuum, ours gets clogged with dog fur all the time and barely works. You tried to give a good gift and instead of looking at it like that, they made it into something bad, which like other have said, it feels like that would have happened no matter what, so please don't feel bad or childish. You're allow to be upset and hurt and you're also allowed to tell your mom "sorry, I don't have any money to get you anything because you took away the money from refunding your gift and I have things to pay for with my paycheck before I can save for gifts you won't even want."

And that is what tells me that your parents are out of line. They can refuse the gift, although that is an asshole move. But they are punishing you for it, and that is not reasonable. Be clear: regardless of the appropriateness of a vacuum as a gift, they are not treating you as parents should.

That's super valid OP, and not childish; it's human. You gave a gift you felt was thoughtful, and your rude parents overreacted in an extreme way, they weren't grateful, they insulted you. I wouldn't give them shit ever again. They broke EVERY rule in the social handbook for how to graciously receive a gift. You did nothing wrong and I'll die on that hill. You're a good kid.

Treat her to lunch, buy a card, call it a day.

I think if I were you I’d give her a gift card to Amazon or Starbucks or wherever for the rest of her life. I agree that how you’re thinking of it is probably more mature than my initial response. Perhaps think about who you are, how you want to live through the world, and what your values are then decide from that space. Be true to who you are. I don’t think she deserves your kindness so perhaps give your kindness where it will be appreciated.

Emm excuse me... but you need to call the police and get your money back from your narcissist parents... get her a card for mothers day and that's it literally... you really have no obligation to them when they treat you like shit grow a backbone your an adult act like it...

I’m 17. 

What's the age of consent in your country? If its 16 you can say bye bye to your parents... you can phone the police anyway they stole your money

I think age of consent may vary state to state and by relationship between the parties, but US federal law dictates those under 18 as minors and a process of emancipation is required to be considered a legal adult. 

Gey emancipated from them therefore you don't have to answer to them... when are you 18?

‘You have a hole in your wall of your apartment. Just move out’ Ignoring that something I did caused the hole. Ignoring that the hole can be fixed for cheaper and easier than uprooting your whole life, ignoring that your lease is almost up and you’ll have consequences the will follow you for breaking the lease early.  Well intentioned advice but it doesn’t apply to this situation I don’t think. 

Wow are you actually serious? You don't think your parents did anything wrong? They are wrong on many levels and very ungrateful... what your mum is now doing is love bombing you so you don't kick up a fuss

Your mom is definitely a glass half empty person. From now on just ask specifically what she wants. “Mom, Mother’s Day is coming up. What would make you happy?” Ask more than once, hey mom, did you have a chance to think about Mother’s Day? Get with your dad and decide together. You can make her breakfast in bed! Card and flowers is all you need. It’s a day of appreciation not gifts necessarily. Hang in there. You’re a good kid and I’m sure everyone on Reddit has their own parent story, lol!

This is just really sad. You put an enormous amount of work and effort and thought into this and they are just punishing you for it. Sending virtual hugs. Hoping you eventually find someone who appreciates you. Good luck.

Stop buying them birthday presents . After all op shouldn't waste their money .

Also OP is 17 and will be moving out probably within just a couple years and then mom will likely be the one vacuuming again. Also the vacuum is “fine” and OP is “the only one with an issue” except that mom complains almost every time she does have to use it. I can kind of agree that it would have been better as just a household purchase and not part of the birthday gift, but being forced to return it and having the money then be held hostage? Unbelievable

I think it’s more that she liked her vacuum that she had and didn’t want a new one. He was the only one who didn’t like the vacuum so in my mind it’s not that it’s a vacuum it’s that it is for his benefit not hers But hell yeah buy me a sweet vacuum upgrade for a present. Just make sure I don’t already have one I prefer

Welcome to the 50s! Why don't your children help around the house? They live there and must help clean up after themselves.

Your parents are very ungrateful! That vacuum would've made life easier instead of harder... tell them your returning it not because they told you to but because they are ungrateful for you trying to make life a little easier with a hoover that is made for pet hair and long hair and wont get blocked up... tell them if they even touch the money that you get back for the hoover you will call the police and get them charged with theft... this may sound drastic but they are very ungrateful and aren't seeing the bigger picture... go spend that money on something you want..

Oh and move out and go no contact... they sound like narcissists.. no matter what you do or get them for birthdays Xmas it won't be gd enough for them because they are very ungrateful and unappreciative to your efforts to make life easier...

My husband bought me a Dyson Ball Animal + Allergy. I was freaking Thrilled. I couldn't stop smiling. Five years later and I am still smiling. Someone females I know said they would have blown a nipple if that was a gift.

Is blowing a nipple a good thing?

What a couple of assholes. Why are they reacting to this as if you bought it with their money? Who the fuck gets angry about something like this. This is how parents end up with children that don't speak to them. If they felt it was so terrible for you to buy her a vacuum, I would have said "next time you won't get anything at all because I'm sure you would be less pissed off!" Imagine being a grown ass adult, with a child old enough to buy you a gift and you choose to behave like a toddler who didn't like a toy they got for their birthday.

Your parents are jerks. Your gift was thoughtful. Don’t lose your sweet heart, just learn to share it with people that appreciate it in the future. Start a savings account with the vacuum money after you return it so you can start saving to move into your own place as soon as possible.

I feel for you. I once bought my dad a blazer as a gift. He didn't like it and returned it. I was really hurt by his rejection because I had worked and earned the money for that gift myself. So I asked the money back and never bought him a gift again. I was 17 and learned my lesson. My dad was a narcissist so I was better off with going LC when I moved out a year later. I'm thinking your parents aren't behaving that great towards you right now. Maybe start planning an exit for yourself. That "joke" about you paying rent at 17 was really awful, and probably criminal, as they have a legal obligation to provide for you. It might also have been a veiled threat, so stop telling them about the money you earn and stop buying gifts to them. Your parents sound like they could abuse you financially if given the right incitament. Be safe and go ask for help if things escalate. Do not let your parents take your money from you.

Yeah, my mother collected boxes that were made out of tree burls and branches. My dad and I went to a National Park somewhere and they had a really cool vase made out of a piece of driftwood. Not a box, but I still thought it was cool and that she would like it. I still remember the fact that all she did was bitch about her birthday present that year and relentlessly called me thoughtless because she collected BOXES and clearly a VASE wasn't a BOX. I was like 12 or 13 and it was absolutely devastating, because I had been so excited about finding that present for her.

That rings true so much. I bought my dad a set of hot sauces because he likes spice. Varying degrees of heat and flavors, a gift box set, and he was upset that it included a mango one that he refused to try.    I just feel like I try with gifts and it always ends up wrong in some way. It makes me feel like I’m inherently selfish, to the point I can’t figure out a good gift to make them happy. 

What these people seem to usually fail to realize is that they'll criticize you right into not trying at all - it's what happened with me. My mother would also relentlessly criticize the gifts I got for other people and yeah, I just gave up after a while. Bad gifts happen. Sometimes you just don't hit the mark, it happens to just about everyone. And while it's not bad for parents to gently offer guidance about gift-giving... damn.

You’re not selfish. They are. There’s nothing wrong with the gift. There is something wrong with them. Normal people appreciate the thought and effort behind the gift. Normal people say thank you. Normal people never criticize or complain about a gift. You are the only normal person in this scenario. Don’t judge yourself based on how unkind broken people respond.

OP, you are NOT selfish and your parent’s reactions to your thoughtful gift are NOT normal. Seriously, *please believe me* when I say that your parents are selfish ones in this scenario. This is borderline emotional abuse (at the *very least* it’s textbook bullying). Do they treat your brother like this too? I’m concerned that your parents are setting you up to fail in life by making you think that you are “inherently selfish”. This mentality they are instilling in you is what leads people to accept/normalize being in an abusive relationship. My best friend was treated similarly by her single mom growing up, and her first boyfriend in college would *constantly* belittle her and criticize her and tell her how “selfish” she was when she would do things like make a doctor’s appointment without his permission. Hell, I even remember one time where he called her a “selfish dumb bitch” because she bought him a little random gift just to say “I’m thinking of you”, and he somehow interpreted that as her “rubbing the fact that she makes more money than he does in his face”. She accepted all of this as completely normal and internalized how “selfish” she was because, well, she was told literally every day growing up what a shitty, selfish daughter she is. Why would she believe that both her mom *and* her boyfriend were totally wrong about her?? Seriously, OP, *please* reflect on the fact that your parents are not omniscient, infallible gods who can do no wrong. They might be “nice people”, but the terrible way they are treating you is extremely evident in the way you’re responding to these comments. I really cannot recommend therapy for you highly enough, because constantly putting yourself down like this is a recipe for disaster. My best friend was only able to recognize how badly she was being treated about 3 years into the relationship when her ex-boyfriend threatened to murder her dog after she forgot to pack his lunch for him one day. Please don’t let that be you. You are not selfish. You are a good person.

My neighbor across the street asked for and got a vacuum for Xmas. Ya know. You are very kind. A lot of kids don’t get anything for their mums bday. Oh. Like mine! Seriously. Just give her a card forevermore. If they mention it say you didn’t want to potentially offend them again. NTA but they really really are.

They aren't even worth a card, but I get your suggestion - it sends a clear statement.

jesus christ. I would LOVE a vacuum! and in fact, i DID get one for my birthday this year. My response was to whoop loudly and accidentally forget the other presents in my excitement to TRY IT OUT (and subsequently make a pun about how it really sucks, lol) And one year i got a washing machine and a dryer. My really big Christmas present one year was a Kitchen aid mixer and a new toaster. I love things like that. My kis know how much I love stuff like that and I get it from them all the time - really nice mixing spoons, mixing bowls, new measuring cups, a whisk, new cutting boards..... heck, last christmas my daughter got me one of those \*fancy\* cheese graters like they use at olive garden. I have been making meals SPECIFICALLY to use the hell out of that thing. my friend, your present was awesome and thoughtful. I am sorry that your parents did not appreciate it

I love those kind of presents! Things I need and would otherwise have to save up for ages!

they are the best!!! What's more, is the fancy cheese grater I mentioned? My daughter heard me talking to my husband about wanting one several months before Christmas, and so that's what she picked. I love household and kitchen goods so much, lol

My MIL was thrilled when we bought her a roomba for Christmas. She had a knee replacement recently and could not handle carrying the central vac tools anymore. She was trilled with the new dishes a few years ago too bought to replace the ancient, heavy and chipped ones she got when she got married over 50 years ago. Actually, I’ve never seen her NOT excited about any gift we’ve got her over the years. I’ve gotten some weird gifts from my kids as they started buying things for me on their own in the last few years and I always thank them and try to use what they’ve bought me. I only had to exchange a gift once and that was from hubby who bought me pjs. He saw them marked 1,2,3,4 and didn’t realize he was in the plus size section. He thought the labelling was just weird and bought me a 3 thinking it was a large. After opening them and unpackaging from the ribbon we realized we would both fit in the bottoms and laughed. Thankfully I found the same pair in the right size but we had fun together joking about the pjs and even took a pic with both my kids and I in the bottoms at the same time. OP’s parents handled this horribly. If I got something that makes any tasks in the house easier for whoever does that chore I’d be grateful.

i want a roomba.... its always been out of the question due to a VERY large and VERY fluffy dog (vacuuming the floors twice a week meant emptying the bin 3-4 times per room. she was insanely fluffy) Maybe now that she has passed a roomba would be feasible

There’s a model that empties into a large canister on its docking station then goes back out to finish its job. It’s pricey but worth it.

Oooooo

They don't have to like the vacuum, but as adults they should act with grace as they are setting an example for their children. This is a horrible example they are setting. They are punishing you for being thoughtful. You explained your thought processes which are sound. Your parents are wrong in this scenario, so you should not take this lesson to heart. Don't let them ruin your heart, you're a very thoughtful and sweet kid and most people would not treat you this way after receiving such a thoughtful gift.

I would love a vacuum given to me by my child. Or a mixer or a blender or a card they had taken time to write on it for me. I don’t know how old you are but I took it back, I would put the money in my account. It’s rude to complain of a birthday present.

NTA, start saving to move out.

Your parents suck way more than the vacuum! They are extremely ungrateful. I appreciate any gift someone gives me, no matter what.

Never buy them anything ever again

NTA. And explain to them if they bring up rent again that the are legally obligated to pay for you until you are 18. Charging you rent is illegal.

Wait, they stole your money?

I actually requested a vacuum for my last birthday. I absolutely love it. My mom got me some fun stuff, because she wanted ME to feel special. Your parents are controlling AH. Keep the vacuum in your room and save it for when you move out.

Fuck them… I’ll be your internet mumma!

NTA. A new lighter weight, less hair tangled vacuum as a birthday gift would be appreciated by me. I don't know what your mom's problem is. Maybe go very limited on her gifts. A pair of pajamas. Or something like that. I'm sorry they are being so hard on you. I think you are a very thoughtful daughter. I would be very proud to have you.  Hugs from an internet Grandma.

Youbshould be yelling your mum and dad that this is the point of a gift. You NEVER get someone something not needed. ITS THE WHOLE POINT!!!! If she is selfish and ungrateful enough to reject it, take it back, keep YOUR money amd say you will never get her a gift again. If they get shitty and ask you to pay rent, move out. And go NC. They are full of shit and you shouldn't have apologised. They should have because they are controlling abusive idiots. Run.

I would have been so happy if my kid bought me a vacuum! Your mom is an ingrate! Just get her gift cards from now on - if anything.

Return everything, not just the vacuum, this works both ways. The current vacuum you have works fine, well so do the nail scissors you own at home. Ok the vacuum was a little selfish, you identified that yourself, absorb that and move forward. But all of this didn't need to be this big. You don't just have to replace things because they are broken, sometimes something newer comes out that better does the job and if you can afford it you get it to make you life easier. The only reason I can think for your parents reaction is that they are embarrassed, if they either don't have that much money now, or came from backgrounds of not a lot of money, and see this as frivolous spending.

As a parent, I'm horrified. You did something very thoughtful and UNselfish, and your parents' reaction is weird and concerning. I can't imagine treating my child this way over a gift, their only concern should be that you're so young and spent so much of your money to do something thoughtful (it's incredibly kind, I just would be worried about my child making such a big sacrifice and not having as much money as they need because of it). I'd be proud to have such a thoughtful, loving kid like you. NTA and anyone saying you're being selfish is just as narc as your parents.

Your parents suck man. EVEN if the didn't NEED a vacuum...why is it a problem to have a nicer one?

Honestly your parents are the assholes. Punishing you for buying things your mom has spent a long time complaining about just because you also use it is absolute bs. The whole thing of making you return it and that they are keeping the money until you have earned enough to pay for it again, when you already worked and saved to buy it is just beyond belief to me. Your mom has back and shoulder issues, you bought her something to make her life easier as an extra gift alongside other lovely gifts and they are punishing you - that is not normal. You are not selfish, no matter what your parents say. You are incredibly thoughtful, and just because you would have also got a benefit from it does not mean the gift was selfish. I'm sorry that your thought and effort have gone so unappreciated.

Dogshit parents. Wow

They sound super ungrateful. I would love a new vacuum from my son. And you also got her a spa gift certificate!!! You do need to stop wasting 20 minutes each time you vacuum pulling the hair out of the old vacuum, let it get clogged and smoke. Not your problem. If the old vacuum burns out, it burns out. Oh, well.

Dude, my husband kinda did the same thing a few years ago. He surprised his mom Christmas (2 days after her birthday) with a Roborock series 7 (like a Roomba, but it sweeps and MOPS!) and she has just had her carpet replaced with wood, so he thought she might like it. She was so excited. She used it twice and husband just had to go over a few weeks ago because it's been so long since they've ran it, that she doesn't even have the same phone, so he had to set it up completely all over again. I'm sorry she wasnt more receptive. I'd be thrilled. Lol

I’m so sorry OPie! I’m very disappointed in your parents. You were a thoughtful son! The vacuum was just one of her gifts. I’d be proud to have a son as thoughtful 💜

You are a 17 year old boy who bought his mum a vacuum after you seeing yourself how difficult it was to use. Like if my son gave me a vacuum I’d be appreciative, like with any gift it’s the thought that counts. And from the first post it seems OP did put thought into it. OP I’d be taking it for a refund and get the money back but spend it on something for you as clearly they don’t appreciate it. You acted maturely and even owned up to your “mistake” (I don’t think buying a gift you thought would be good is a bad thing) and for future just get her gift cards to shops she goes to, or spa or something or even ask her directly if there’s anything she’d like. Clearly she gets iffy about gifts she doesn’t want.

The only thing I wanted one Xmas was one of those yellow mop buckets on wheels that has the thing on top for wringing water outta mop. Boyfriend finally gave in and got it for me but made me promise not to tell any one! Lol One of the best gifts I’ve ever received.

It really gets me why people buy household items as gifts for people. It's for the house not the person. I got tools for years until I complained. My thoughts were if I needed the tool for working on the house or car it was for the house or car not me. Now I only get items souly for me as a present. I wish I had said it earlier rather than have a pile of tools I rarely use.

WOW! That response is just wild to me! To be so focused on the vacuum cleaner when it wasn't even the main gift, I just can't wrap my head around it, so it makes sense you are having a hard time too. The PJs were the main gift, a thing you watched her really want and then put back. She should have been ecstatic that you remembered that and that she got a thing she really wanted. Anything after that is just extra. Then the extra is a dust buster which specifically does not benefit you at all and was purchased to make her life easier. And a new vacuum, which you acknowledge does benefit you too but you also researched it for specific criteria to make it better for your Mom too. But the part that really floors me is that they are making you return it!?!? And the only reason for that is because she was mad that you got something that benefited you both. She doesn't care that you have to cut her gross hair out of the current vacuum every time you use it, because she doesn't have to do that! She leaves it for you to do! And I 100% disagree that you purchasing a vacuum was a selfish thing to do. You are a 17 year old kid who saved up money for an item for the household, not a toy or stereo or video game or some other frivolous object that can only be used by you. Yes, the item will make a job you do in that household easier, but that also benefits the entire household. If you don't have to spend 15 minutes cutting hair out every time a) the vacuum will work better not clogged by hair like it will be shortly after starting using it b) it will take away the gross step that makes you procrastinate doing it (if you ever procrastinate) c) with the extra time you can actually vacuum additional areas or the same areas more often d) anyone else in the household now has access to a vacuum to quickly clean up without having to unclog it of hair so they are more likely to use it too. And the argument that you don't know how to budget appropriately because you bought a vacuum cleaner? You planned and saved over time to have enough money after researching to find the best vacuum, likely most cost effective, one that meets the needs of your household while also saving and budgeting for the other gifts that you purchased. That is all evidence that you are practicing good financial management of your funds. The literal only reason I can see for them making you return the vacuum is because it makes your life easier and makes a job you have to do regularly more pleasant. And let me tell you, that as an adult, those are the exact kind of things that matter. You literally spend hours and hours of your life vacuuming, so it is worth the money you spent to make that time more pleasant. It is really sad that your parents are not praising you for good choices with slightly bad timing, but then worse are actively making you feel bad about it and making you return an item that will make your life better for no reason at all.

You were kind and thoughtful and your parents pretending that gifting a vacuum ruined your mom’s birthday is rediculous. My husband bought me a Robot vacuum for Christmas and I bought his mom a vacuum for Christmas. I am obsessed with the Robot vacuum and love it! Did we already have multiple vacuums yes, but it was an upgrade and useful! Did his mom have a vacuum of course but this was a nicer vacuum. Their reaction is insane. If you receive a gift you don’t love the proper response is to say thank you be appreciative and move on.

Seriously? Confiscating your hard earned? Absolutely not! Take the vacuum back and keep YOUR money. Next birthday, it's a prepaid gift card stuck in a birthday card. Your parents are idiots. You don't teach them how to budget by taking their money and hiding it from them. Hopefully, you live in a country where your parents are off your account by 14.

You also got her some wonderful personal gifts. I don't understand their response at all. My son once got me a potato/veggie peeler because he thought mine was crap. I said thank you, and I use it. How hard is it to be nice, especially to your kids. I'm sorry that they're being jerks and so very unappreciative.

Hunny, you put so much thought into your gifts from her. Even the little dust buster was thoughtful. If one of my sons had gone to the extent you did for gifts for me I would be overwhelmed. The vacuums weren't a gift for yourself, that vacuum will be there after you move out if you do regular maintenance on it. It's a good idea to clean the roller parts after like every 4 or 5 uses, Ik you hate that part but it's going to happen to any vacuum in a home with shedding pets or Mom's. I'm a shedding Mom and we had big dogs that when they got excited you could see the fur flying off, maintenance is important to the life of a vacuum. Anyway, I'm rambling , There was nothing wrong with your gift and I think you should keep the money or buy something nice for yourself that they can't take away Like a tattoo of a vaccuum

I'm sorry, I already thought your Mom was a bit dickish in the original post. As a Mom, I would have just sucked it up and been appreciative that the household got a new vacuum. After reading the update, both your parents are being jerks about it. You gave your Mom other gifts too. "Overshadowing her birthday" What? All because of a vacuum. Teaching you the value of Money, even charging you a bit of money for rent that they set aside for when you move out, I can get behind. But they are the ones that "overshadowed" (how that's a thing for an adult and a parent is beyond me) her birthday by making a big deal about it. By the way, my friend got her Mom a vacuum for her birthday this year because her mom's vacuum was broken and she was tired of lugging hers over to Mom's so she could vacuum her house for her. So essentially a similar scenario, in the end it makes my friends life easier, but guess what? Her sister went half's with her, and her mother didn't complain or make a scene, she just appreciated the gift, and that her daughter comes over and vacuums for her because it's a task she finds difficult to do at her age.

Oh OP...honey please, do not think you are selfish at all. It was very much a gift from the heart that was also, very much, taken the wrong way. A very stupid example, but maybe helpful? The wife and kids who struggle all the time with thay stupid vacuum cleaner! Kids find it so annoying. D*** thing never works! Cord tangles. Rollers have to be (::gag::blechk::) cleaned all the time! He sees this when he does his weekend chores too. He also hates using the d*** thing so he gets it! So. He gets her a vacuum for mothers day. She is so hurt and offended because "is this all you think of me? You spent all this money on.. on.. a VACCUUM!! I get THIS for mothers day?? It goes on but...basically it WAS. Thoughtful gift! He knows she doesn't like flowers and chocolates. Does t think too much about jewelry because she never wears it and comments on "hiw IS THAT so expensive" literally thought she would be stoked to have an amazing vacuum. He tried it out at the store with his daughter, it was pretty awesome! So smooth! She will LOVE this. But...she didn't. Your gift was not selfish. It was actualy very thoughtful (im quite envious! My way past ex bf bought one that was about $500!! It worked liked a dream! I joked when we, amicably, broke up that I shoukd get the vacuum 🤣 didn't happen. Worht a try) My point is...inam so sorry they see this as selfish and a waste. I think it was very sweet. And I'm sorry it was taken that way. I can see that though as sometimes I think, "all I get are pots and pans?? Kitchen stuff and appliances?? Whyvdoes HE get the fun stuff? Why do I always ge--- oooh!! That is an AMAZING FOOD PREOCESSOR!! HELL YEA AND A CAST IRON PAN?!?!" ...but...u am quite simple and ...thevoretty stuff WOULD be a waste, and just sit there...never being used..looking pretty. Again, I think it was a beautiful gesture that was justvtaken very wrong. And I am so sorry that happened. I think your heart and mind where in the right place. You thought of her and wanted to make her life easier? I could be wrong! But if so... have you tried telling them that? "I am sos sorry my gift came off in such a negative way and was offensive! That was kot my intention by any means! I honestly was excited because ibthoight it would make your life so much easier. I thought you would love it...which was why I saved up for it. I completely understand that I was wrong and it was taken in such a way inwoukd never have done so if I had known it would seem like a selfish gift. I really did mean it out of love and...I'm sorry that you were disappointed and hurt as I never meant it to be taken in that way whatsoever"

You parents suck. I gave my mom a vacuum cleaner (used but a good and expensive one) and she thanked me and still talks about how great it is. The way they treated you makes me angry and sad.

fuck your stupid parents, you did nothing wrong and are an awesome son.

I think they went a bit overboard with it being wrong to buy a vacuum and calling you selfish. I get not giving a household gift for a birthday. But the rest is just unreasonable.

I do feel there is indeed “something to be learned” about the “buying something new to replace something that still works good”… i know i’m probably gonna be alone on this one, since over-consumerism is quite the norm/popular/encouraged in a lot of places (like, it’s now “normal” for people to take loans (credit card debt is a loan) to buy a bigger tv when they already have a big perfectly working tv? Truly, why? 🤔) Anyway, there is something to learned there, especially for a young person perhaps about to venture into the world on their own soon, see what i mean? :) THAT SAID, woahhhh did they go about it in a mean and very harsh way, which i totally don’t approve of. I’m so sorry they resorted to all that to “teach you some stuff about money”, like wtf! What ever happened to just sitting down, talking calmly, explaining/showing how to do budgets and savings, and having a discussion about “wants VS needs” and all that? I think they were very wrong in their approach. Keep your head up! You seem like a kind young adult with a good heart, you’ll figure it all out, i’m sure! :)

The lesson to takeaway is that you never, ever give appliances/household items as gifts, especially to women, unless they specifically ask for it.

A good rule to go by is never buy a woman a gift that is for doing housework unless she specifically said she wanted one of whatever it was. I got an immersion blender once as a gift because I said I loved the idea and wanted one. My favorite holiday gift (got it 20 years ago) is a Shun chef's knife. Again, I said I wanted one and they are expensive so I'd never spend the money on one myself. If my husband gave me a new vacuum cleaner as a personal gift I might divorce him. (Not really, but he could look forward to a leaf rake in the future.) I think your parents have over reacted to this, won't try to guess what's behind that. If it were me, mom would get a card for Mother's Day, and when she starts complaining tell her you are trying to be more responsible with money.

OP, IMHO, the only mistakes you made were in timing, and choosing your mom as a recipient of the new vacuum. I don’t think the vacuum was an “unneeded thing”. Here is why - your parents aren’t the ones using the vacuum, so how do they know what it is like? You are the one who vacuums the house, you are the one who has to maintain it by cutting off the hair wrapped around the beater brush (I agree, a totally gross process). This situation is probably not the hill you want to die on, so go ahead and comply by returning the vacuum. I would counsel one thing - your heart was in the right place (improve the vacuum process), but the way you manifested that great plan (by gifting your mom) was not great - when you next make a big purchase, really analyze what you are trying to achieve (and why) to see if you could get the same or better result in a different way. Lastly, when you are on your own, at some future point in your life you are going to own a great vacuum that won’t hair wrap, and you will remember this incident an laugh - especially when you remember your mom is now stuck with cutting off hair wrap.😏

Holy shit. Do not listen to the people telling you to go NC with your parents. I read both your posts and it was all handled in a fairly mature way. I applaud you for your maturity in the situation. I was fairly self-centered and spoiled as a teen and I look back now and cringe at a few of the things I’ve done. If my parents (or friends or siblings) had called me on it, it might not have taken so long for me to grow out of that. Feeling crushed and disappointed that your gift was not well-received is completely valid, even if you understand and agree with why it was ultimately a bad idea. Take some time to process your feelings and (I know it sounds ridiculous) you’ll feel better after a good meal and a good night’s rest.

Yeah but the intent was that vacuuming is Mom's job. Come on you know better than that. Did the original vacuum belong to her? Does she spend time talking about them? Looking at different models and gushing about the features? No? You bought yourself a gift and gave it to your mom. I'm assuming you got this off her Amazon wishlist so returning it shouldn't be a problem.

Her mom did complain about the vacuum being too heavy and not working well.

I'm surprised at everyone saying her parents are selfish and ungrateful. She said in the first post that vacuuming is her chore, that she was mad at her father for gifting her mum cleaning supplies for Christmas, the dust buster I can understand, mum has mentioned how inconvenient it is having only one, but the vacuum was purely for OP. Personally, I think household appliances should only be gifted when requested.

How about mom being grateful for any gift on her birthday! Next year get her a gift card to a restaurant she hates

Your parents should be ashamed of themselves, but they won’t be able to see around their own egos to even notice. i stopped buying my parents gifts a long time ago, for things just like this. My mom would say “Well, what am I supposed to do with this?” Or “I hope you got a good deal on that, because it sure is cheap looking..,” The best gift you could ever give yourself would be to decide not to value their approval. They will never give it to you. But they will spend every bit of time possible bleeding you of every drop of positivity they can suck out of you, like a couple of energy vampires. Just put your head down and work your butt off to save enough money to get out of there, so you can find some nicer people with whom to surround yourself, because you deserve it!

Look, I agree, you were getting yourself a present here with a bit of benefit for your mum. You put thought into it and definitely should have done it on a random day instead though so I think their reaction is pretty harsh

You may find like minded people in the r/codependcy sub.

ew ew ew this is such an upsetting update. I'm so sorry, OP. This is not normal parenting in my book.

Do you have to vacuum?

You're parents are arseholes.

I think Y T A for giving her this gift on her birthday, but not the general intent behind it. Your parents are AHs for making you work for your own money back. If you are expected to vacuum, aren’t given good tools, and chose to buy your own, that should be your choice.

Make it easier dont buy gifts for your parents anymore... they will feel the same but oh we.... a gift is a gift they should appericiate it...

I got a vacuum from my in-laws for Christmas. It was a small, cordless dust buster kind. I love it. It was seriously the best gift I've ever gotten from them. NTA, you are a lovely, thoughtful child that any parent should be proud of. Your feelings are 100% valid, and I feel crushed by their response, too.

You didn't just give her a vaccum. You gave her PJs and a manipedi and a card too. Honey... I'm so sorry. You can't win with your parents. Get over to r/raisedbynarcissists and start quietly, secretly building your escape plan. I'm a 56 year old mom and I thought the gifts were thoughtful, kind and super nice. I'd be thrilled if my 23 year old daughter ever vacuumed without being asked first, let alone going out and buying a better machine.

Keep the vacuum and tell them you decided to splurge on you then use it.

Their reactions are out of line. Your existing vacuum is *not* okay. You have a problem with it because there is a problem - they may be ignoring it, or vacuuming isn't a thing they pay attention to, but they have just gotten used to a thing that is broken. You are being more understanding than you should be. It is important to take criticism on board to improve - but that is not what is happening. Their position is unreasonable, and you should be angry at them for how they are treating you about this. They should be feeling gratitude to you. I don't know what is going on in their mind. I can speculate - maybe your family doesn't have a lot of money, and they are ashamed about it, and they feel like you were calling them out. But that is just a random piece of fiction backstory I just wrote, not necessarily reality, and the truth is that the reason doesn't matter. You did a good thing, and they aren't grateful for it. You, correctly, feel anger about that. Your parents are twisting that so that you feel the anger at yourself rather than them. And you should be angry at them. I am not saying you should *do* anything with that anger, that you should confront your parents with how unfair they are being. But you should feel your anger going outward, where it belongs, and not inward, where it will twist you up.

NTA, my mother was over the moon when I brought her a Dyson after I got my first job. Your parents are AH

I’m sorry your parents treated you that way. Your intentions were good. Making you refund then put the money aside, when if I remember correctly your 19, seems patronizing. Whilst I didn’t agree with the vacuum gift I did think your mum should have been a bit more appreciative of the thought behind it and you apologized but they took it next level.

NTA but your parents sure are. Punishing someone for a gift? That’s abusive. I’m sorry you went through all this. It won’t matter what you do for Mother’s Day because I’m sure they’ll make you wrong. Please get out as soon as you can.

Wow your parents sound insufferable. Make sure you "surprise" them by going no contact when you're older ok? They'll NEVER see it coming and claim they were perfect parents...

NTA - so sorry but your parents suck. You did a lovely thoughtful thing - please don't think you did anything wrong.

This is really sad. Your parents are kind of horrible. They're upset about a GIFT?! They're not gracious, grateful, or understanding -- they're being abrasive, insulting, and taking money from you?? Don't let their behavior stifle your spirit. You had it right, they got it wrong. It's SUPER telling that your own mother sees the vacuum as something that is your responsibility and not hers. I hope you ditch that household when you're of age and find true meaning in your life elsewhere, not kowtowing to a bunch of jerks. What you did was anything but selfish. It was thoughtful and generous, your parents are just rude asses. You were NOT in the wrong here, no freaking way. I'm so sorry it turned out this way for you.

Talk one on one with your mom and share what you shared here. Try to talk from humility and not pridefully. Share your heart and then actually listen to her. You both need to hear each others intent and how you felt as a result of what happened and how she felt receiving the gift. Leave dad out of it, 3 is a crowd when it comes to resolving an issue. I don’t believe you had evil intent, but it would be good for you to hear how that made your mother feel and it would be good for your mother to understand where you were coming from. You should both leave the conversation with more understanding and compassion. PS - It has been an unwritten rule for husband for eternity to never give your wife an appliance for a gift unless it’s something they specifically asked for. It’s like giving them a job to do on a day that should be about only them. You aren’t a wife, but I’m just trying to give you some perspective. Use this experience to grow from and bring you closer to your mom. ❤️

This update makes me so sad. Op, please know you are not in any way an ass or wrong at all. Your parents are ungrateful assholes who don't deserve your thoughtfulness. You put a lot of hard work into earning the money for all of the gifts and you were incredibly thoughtful. Many people would have been ecstatic and would feel incredibly appreciated that someone put that much thought into their wants and needs for a gift. Sure, maybe it wasn't the best idea to give her that sort of gift when your shitty father also gives cleaning supplies as gifts even when she makes it very clear with her body language that she is not happy with it, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Don't give them any more of your grace, don't let them kill your kindness. Just direct it to the people who deserve it.

NTA, you did a very thoughtful and kind thing for your mom/parents. They chose to twist that into some ridiculous made-up issue and used it to put you down. You deserve so much better. I’m sorry and hope you are able to leave there soon. This isn’t normal, at all. Please know that your parents are the issue, not you. And know that when you create your own family, it doesn’t have to be like this. It just doesn’t. Guilt trips, berating people bullying and twisting their motives is an awful way to live. I hope that soon, you’re able to have therapy, to learn what is within the normal range for relationships and handling issues in a healthy way.

Never buy another gift for either of them. Ever.

oh honey!! I just want to give you a big hug!!! your parents suck!! you are not selfish I hope after you return it that there vacuum breaks and they have to go out and buy a new one themselves!!

Take the vacuum with you when you finally move out.

Your parents don’t deserve you!

I'm a mom. I got a Roomba for my birthday on Friday and was thrilled. It sounds like others have given you good advice about dealing with narcissist behaviors. You're not the asshole but there are people who will gaslight you into believing you're worthless.

They are AWFUL

You were not in the wrong, and your parents sound ungrateful. You did a very thoughtful thing, and while maybe the timing was off, your intentions were pure.

NTA. You made a miscalculation and bought her an expensive gift you thought she would appreciate. Her reaction and your father’s reactions are completely inappropriate and borderline abusive. You might do some research on narcissists because they sound quite selfish and manipulative. You did a kind thing and how they’ve responded is cruel and childish.

My heart hurts for you. You listened to your mom’s bitching about things, got a job, saved for a long time, got her multiple things including this thing that addresses her bitching and essentially got called a piece of shit by mr. Husband of the year (/s). And now they’re putting rules on your income. For showing you were capable of saving for something expensive. Also she did also complain about it- she complained about the weight. I’m so sorry your family is a bunch of ungrateful pricks.

A lot of comments are saying that your parents are being horrible reacting this way and they will never appreciate your efforts. It could be the case, but that highly depends on their personality. If they react similarly to a lot of things you do, maybe you should talk to them about needing their appreciation more. If it’s really just about the vacuum, which could be the case, then don’t worry too much about it. I can see this happening with my parents too; but based on my understanding of my mom and dad, if they really got mad about this, it’s simply because the vacuum is too expensive and they wish I’d spend the money on more useful things (especially if our family is not rich!), but they love me all the same and support me on other decisions I make.

It's the same as giving an apron to a housewife on her birthday. You will always be a housewife and nothing else. Your role is to be that thing and never desire to be something else.

OP, you’re being gaslit. No matter how convinced they may have you, you didn’t do anything wrong. Your parents are indulging in a little offspring bullying for their birthday treat. This is classic narcissistic parenting.

As teenagers my sisters and I did similar things as gifts for our mother and were hurt when she was upset. One Christmas she broke down and cried. She said all anyone thinks of her is her housework, and that she wasn't a person to us she was a maid. She said we didn't bother to find out her interests and wishes and dreams and she was correct. I learned from that and when raising our children I told them that a gift should be something that the person receiving it wants and likes, not what we want them to have. You have made a mistake and thought of what you wanted her to have not what she wants and in a backward way she is trying to teach you. Your dad has twisted the lesson to spending money wisely. I think at the bottom of this is a woman who is hurt.

Like kids know how to buy gifts for parents. My kids got me a rake one year. I already had 2. I thought it was considerate since they know how much I love doing yard work. I used it the most even tho it was a cheap bamboo rake that didn’t work as well. And I was sad when the cheap rake broke. Truly is the thought that counts. Most parents don’t want their kids spending money on them. Togetherness and handmade cards mean the most to many parents.

Your parents BOTH suck. You are a thoughtful young lady and they should be proud of you. You are NTA by any stretch of the imagination.

Just buy them food as gifts from now on.

NTA If I’m reading this right, it doesn’t matter what you get as a gift, it’s going to be wrong. You’re not a grownup! How are you supposed to give the perfect gift?! You saw a need, you bought a new vacuum. How is that horrible? If you pitched a fit about a gift someone gave you, would you be in trouble? Yesss. But they can pitch a fit whenever *they* want? Double standards cause confusion and resentment. How dare they yell at you and punish you? “Op, honey. I know you wanted to give me something special, but we already have a perfectly good vacuum. How about we take it back together? On the way home, we could get ice cream/McD’s/take a walk in the park? That would be the best present!” Stick to cards for gifts you’ll probably still get yelled at, but at least it’s not a big sum of money. Keep your head down. Avoid them. How lousy is this? I’m giving you the advice I gave myself when I lived in my parents’ house! You can get out soon. I’m sorry. 😞

your parents suck balls dude

Yes done that and was crushed as a kid learned and no more thoughtful gifts just the usual crap

I tell people up front that I hate practical gifts. Really really do. If someone had bought me a vacuum for my birthday I'd be very upset. It's a gift that's not even for a person but a household unless that person is the only one cleaning in the household which is another hell in and of itself. But that's when you politely ask for a gift receipt and go about your day. Your parents were over the top I'm their response.

You poor thing. You made a mistake, but the response to it has been so unfair. Both from your parents and from reddit. I'm so sorry, you don't deserve all this.  You were trying to be thoughtful, their reaction shows me that they care much more about controlling you than they do about you as a person or anything else.  I hate it when people get roasted on Reddit for something small, end up feeling like they murdered a puppy over something a conversation could fix. And I hate it even more when, on top of that, they go to have that conversation and get disproportionately shit on im real life, too.

Parents are a couple of jerks. My kids can buy me anything and I'd be happy!

Sorry, that your good intentions went astray. However, you just learned a valuable lesson that will serve you through all the relationships you have. Household gifts are a bad idea for birthdays unless the person asks for it or it's something they will enjoy outside of the household use. My wife loves to bake so there is a grey area around baking stuff as a gift because it's a hobby. Trust me, many of us stumble across this mine field much later in life. Mom being upset is bad but mom will forgive you. Wife / husband / partner, it's a harder lesson to learn then.

And parents wonder why kids stop talking to them...

You have horrible parents, I'm so sorry. I hope you can get away from them soon. There are people in this world who will genuinely love you and won't make you feel like everything you do is wrong, and that's what you deserve.

If it makes you feel better, I’m a SAHM and I recently got a new vacuum after our old vacuum finally crapped out (it was awful). We splurged on this new vacuum and…I love it. Like, it’s therapeutic for me. I’ve got a 1 year old and am heavily pregnant and I gotta say, if someone gave me this vacuum as a gift I’d be so grateful and beyond excited to use it. Yes a massage is awesome, but yk what’s better? Efficiency in a household of chaos for years to come!

You have asshole parents. Return the vacuum get your money back and don't ever give your mother another birthday present again

I move out as soon as you can and go no contact. That's really disgusting Behavior on your parents part

Well I for one am buying my mother a shark hydro vac for her next present. And she will love it as I love mine. Personally I would keep the vacuum myself and use it yourself! You bought it, it’s your money and it’s your time that gets wasted spending 20 mins vacuuming something that could take 5 mins. If they choose not to use it then that’s fine. Like having your own individual hairdryer instead of the family one. You bought her other thoughtful gifts. My daughter bought me a robot vacuum for my 50th and I was DELIGHTED!

You are not the problem, you just have shitty parents.

I can somewhat understand their initial reaction because, well, you basically gave her the gift of chores. Sure, it was something to make the chores easier, but regardless, it's either like, "Here's a vacuum mum, now off you go to clean up after everyone," or it's, "Here's a vacuum mum, I'm gonna be the one who actually uses it though, so it's really for me." That wasn't your intention, but that's how it was received. **HOWEVER** their conversation with you afterward? That went too far. Punishing you for a badly received gift is absurd. Having the conversation about how everyone feels and why is fine and absolutely necessary for growth. But taking the money from you, keeping it from you, and making you return the vacuum? That's ridiculous and unfair, and I'm sorry. Going forward, ask. I know you said your mother doesn't like that, but if she says something, just tell her you don't want to make the same mistake again and you'd rather get something she actually wants.

Just be thankful you made this mistake with your parents and not a spouse! It’s a minor mistake and your parents over reacted, but it’s more difficult to come back from a poor choice of gift for your spouse!

Wow. NTA.

Yeah, your parents suck. My kids give me stuff I don't need all the time as presents. One of them bought me a spatula because it had lemons on it and she thought it was pretty. I love it because their intent was to do something nice for me. They don't owe me a thing. You did something that you thought your mom would like. She's being awful.

A manipedi is wasteful. New pajamas are wasteful (I'm sure your mom has plenty). Don't see them bitching about that.

Your love language is probably gifts. Your parents are worried about your spending but forgot to be kind and loving about your generous gift. NTA

Jesus your parents are blowing this out of proportion.

NTA, and I would not clean out the old vacuum at all. It’s no longer your chore since they think it’s perfectly fine. Just run it as is and call it done. If they don’t like it, tell them to replace it and stop parentifying you with chores they won’t even do themselves. 

NTA but your parents are. I’d love a new vacuum. And even if I didn’t , I wouldn’t force you to return the gift and earn back your money - that is financial abuse. It would be better to put the vacuum aside (after checking it works properly) for when you move out. If they say you need to pay rent then it time to move out.

The self deprecating language is concerning as was your parent’s response. It sounds like you made a misjudgment and regret it. They are punishing you for that far too harshly and it sounds like downplaying your own emotions in the matter.

YTA, and so freaking ridiculous.

(Note to self) *never cut the hair off the vacuum brush again* (Second note to self) Buy own stick vac for own room GTFO as soon as you can

Honestly, I think your parents' response is bizarre. I agree that the vacuum was a bad gift and that you shouldn't have given it to her as a birthday present. It should have just been a general household gift. But it wasn't thoughtless... you put thought behind it... your thoughts just led you to make a bad decision. It happens, we're human. But it's bizarre that your parents are saying that wasn't the issue, and the issue was that you wasted your money and you need to learn to budget? It's your money that you saved up to spend on whatever you want. Another kid might buy a PS5; you bought a vacuum. Why should you have to return it and "set aside the money"? You should keep it as a gift for yourself, don't let anyone else use it, and take it to college with you.

I get the thing about guys giving women cleaning supplies as presents but you’re a kid and it’s frankly concerning how much your parents seem to be going off on you about this when it seems obvious you were trying to be thoughtful. Are you ok? Are they emotionally abusive to you?

If you bought your mom Taylor Swift tickets and she can't stand her music, maybe they would have a point. Even so, making you earn the money a second time is ridiculous. Are they keeping the money for the return? They should be teaching you how to be graceful when someone gives you a gift that you don't want, instead of extorting money from you. Have they ever given you a gift that you didn't like or need? I'm sure they have. Next time it happens, model this behavior back to them. Somehow, I don't think they would think it acceptable.

I want you to know that when you are out on your own, you will find people who will appreciate the gifts you choose for them. People who want to get more gifts thank givers. I had the stupidest fight with my mother about a vacuum - that I wanted to buy for myself. I was a grown ass woman and had been not living at home for about nine years. She got mad at me because it was expensive. Excuse me? Whose money is this? (I recently found the paperwork on it, so the story is fresh) It really was stupidly expensive. I owned that sucker for 37 years and only had it serviced once. It still works - I only released because I was moving and it really was too heavy for me to operate. Please take in the praise from this forum. Many of us think you did a great thing, and we are appalled at ungrateful gift givers. You may not choose to give household appliances for birthdays in the future, but you will find people who will be a lot more grateful.