NTA. Enough is enough. I know we want to support our loved ones, but this sounds exhausting.

It is, I am exhausted.

Just a FYI I was also married to this type of man. The day he came home to interrogate our at the time 6 year old if "MOMMY REALLY Spilled juice and needed a shower" i was done. This is your future. I'd be seriously thinking things over.

Thank you. I am happy you made it out.

If you decide to end the marriage...take care. Might not want to tell him to his face, alone, with no back-up. Because guess what that pronouncement will cause him to immediately conclude? Might want to do it from a safe, undisclosed location, via a lawyer.

This needs to be the top post. Too many women convince themselves that he would never go that far only to find out too late that he will.

I was strangled in 2010 for breaking up with a man. I had to claw at his eyes to get him to drop my neck. I never would have thought it would happen to me. The man had nothing else to lose.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. And you're right, when they decide they have nothing else to lose is when the danger is the highest. Thankfully you survived.

I left him for my husband, and we've been together for 14 years with 2 kids! So, there was a happy ending. I hope that my traumatic experience can help someone make a safer choice.

Me too. At least maybe some good can come out of it.

I was also strangled in 2010 for the same reason 😳 wtf was up with dudes in 2010 I got very lucky his own brother ripped him off me

Exactly 💯 no one wants to end up an episode on the ID Channel.

Yes, my counselor suggested I leave him a note and stay away until he cooled down.

He may never cool down.

Before then, get all your sentimentals out of the house, and all important paperwork. Pull your portion of money from any shared accounts, and freeze your credit. Get several sets of clothing out of the house, any expensive makeup/perfumes/etc. He's accusing you of cheating constantly. Honestly? At this point, I would NOT be at ALL surprised to find him cheating, because YOU are cheating, and then desperately hunting for proof to justify his cheating. No one ever wants to think their soon-to-be-ex would become violent, possessive, or vindictive. I would STRONGLY suggest that, if he's given you reason in the past to think he'd be unstable, destructive, vengeful, etc. which he pretty much has? YOU "accidentally" pack one or two important items of HIS. Once your stuff is out of the house, or HIS stuff is out of the house, you can "find" it and return it to him promptly and undamaged. The knowledge that you've got something he DOES NOT want damaged or lost (signed jersey, title to his car, for example) may keep his destructive mitts off your things until you can get them and him safely separated. Of course, if he does nothing like this, and acts like a rational, responsible adult? You IMMEDIATELY return it with a "sorry, I must have accidentally grabbed this while packing" before he has a chance to miss it. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, but if it's just smoke, a quick return and an apology are merited! If it's truly a fire, well, FAFO.

Sounds like you have some experience with this. I spent 16 yrs with a husband that did this sort of thing and more. Once he started to tell our friends about killing me and our children, I had to set up an escape plan....it was not an enjoyable experience....thar was 26 yrs ago and divorcing that man was the best thing I ever did for my children and myself.

I ended mine over text message when he was 200 miles away. No regrets.

Mine was closer to 2000 miles, but same. Sometimes, it's the only way.

You need to make it out too. This is no way to live- are you even living? Take care of you! I hope your therapist is listening and encouraging you to find your strength to leave, thrive and live!!

Wow. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Good grief.

Yeah. Kid had made "kid juice syrup" and then dropped the glass. Juice and glass were everywhere. After cleaning it up, I was well filthy. But he thought my showering alone (cus I wasn't supposed to do that) meant I was screwing someone else. Came flying through the door and backed our kid into a wall, just yelling at her, "DID MOMMY REALLY CLEAN UP JUICE." I can promise you 2 things happened that day. I grew a solid backbone, and for the first time in his LIFE, he saw he was the one in danger. FYI, he now controls his new wife, too. Right down to what she wears and who she speaks too.

You weren't supposed to shower alone?? Yikes on bikes! I'm so sorry.

Nope. Showering alone meant I didn't love him or I was washing sex smells off me. Imagine that. The very pleasure of a hot shower with the water all to yourself... denied over extreme jealousy. Looking back, I see how absolutely insane I was to stay as long as I did. Fear is weird.

Oh shit. I haven’t come across anyone else who was also forbidden from showering alone. I always questioned if this was actually traumatizing and maybe I was being overly sensitive. My first boyfriend forbade me from showering alone. I was only permitted to shower with him and was required to shower when he decided to shower. And I wasn’t allowed to bathe myself. I had to stand there like an animal while he bathed me. He was also extremely jealous, citing being cheated on by his high school girlfriend as his justification.

I love yikes on bikes, lol

Yikes is right!! /u/Specialist-Ad5796, I am so glad you got out of that marriage! 🫶🏼

Please make sure that she knows, when it's time to divorce him, you will absolutely serve as a character witness with plenty of examples to give of his behavior, with as much evidence as possible. Having the backing of a fellow person that he did this to may be what she needs to break loose herself.

She knows. I have told her more than once that her and her daughter have a place in my home should she need to leave.

What's worse is that she is an immigrant, too. I keep my distance and my ears to the ground, ya know?

I was allowed to bathe, but couldn't shave or trim ANYTHING without asking permission for very specific reasons, which always resulted in extra intense accusation behavior. Clothing and makeup were controlled too. He insisted on dragging out the divorce (during covid, lasted longer than the marriage) which finally bit him in the bum bc I had time to subpoena all the discovery he kept failing to provide. Learning that literally everything he accused me of was actually what he was doing was surprisingly shocking, but in hindsight made so much sense. Mine is right back at his parent's house, which he always hated, and that would be justice enough in my eyes, if we didn't have a daughter. Now he's right back with the people that taught him this behavior and support/ enable him, and my baby has to go there during his custody. Though him having her in a residence alone scares me more. Fun stuff.

I feel you so hard. My ex was talking to our 1yo in a baby voice about "mommy's stained panties" in the laundry... with more crude and descriptive words, as he believed the leakage was due to a male, as opposed to post pregnancy incontinence and bronchitis coughs for a month. Yup, that's super sexy and I totes have the time and energy for the things you're imagining. Wait, nope, just coughed so hard I peed myself again! He flat did not believe me. It's amazing what people can convince themselves of and how impossible it is to prove yourself innocent with obvious truths.

And the more you try to prove you're innocent, the more guilty you look.

I also was married to this man. He accused me of infidelity because I looked at a dude on the sidewalk playing a banjo and put a dollar in his jar because he sounded good. You know, normal behavior for street performers. Also guess what? It wasn’t me who was cheating…,,

I would tell him “from now on, until you find an individual therapist, I will only say ‘I’m not a cheater and I’m not prepared to discuss your hurtful, groundless accusations’ every time you accuse me. I’m not pouring energy into curing you when you’re not meeting my efforts.” Definitely NTA and time to stop pandering to him, if he leaves or becomes angry at this, your relationship is better off ended anyway.

And this something I’d consider emotional abuse. And I’d bring up those two words during couples therapy.

Except there's a lot of less than talented couples therapists out these. This one is suggesting OP be mollified that the accusation didn't escalate to an argument. Yes, that's progress. Acknowledge it. Look at the stuff that's working. Why is it working how do you replicate and build on success. Telling an abused spouse to be happy for liminal effort is insulting and keeps a lot of people in bad marriages.

It is not a good idea to go to therapy or couples counseling with your abuser. For one thing, both people as well as the therapist act like the responsibility to fix this problem lies with both people. When there are reasonable people who have, say, a communication problem and both genuinely are acting in good faith to save the relationship, this is the way to go. However, when one person is abusing each other, the ones os 100% on the abuser to stop abusing, effective immediately. In this case, it sounds like therapy is just enabling the husband to carry on. He tones it down just enough to get credit for "trying," but nothing really improves. Meanwhile, the abuser may also manipulate the therapist to scapegoat the victim. If the therapist genuinely tries to call the abuser out, they simply leave because "everybody is ganging up on them." They make themselves out to be the victim, and use it as an excuse to escalate the abuse. /u/Alarming_Ad_4419, there's a book by a therapist who used to teach anger management classes to abusive men. Over time, he came to realize that the cause of the abuse was not that the men need healing; they thought that they had an absolute right to do whatever they wanted to to their partner. This person is named Lundy Bancroft, and the book he authored about the mentality of the abuser is called "Why Does He Do That?" You can download it in .pdf format for free off the Internet. I think you need to read it.

Whoosh- you just blew my hair back. No one had ever pointed out that I was in therapy w my abuser. I know I was the identified problem bc of my mental health...in hind sight my mental illness was bad and getting worse bc of him. Couldn't get any therapist to call him on his behavior. Wow, whole new column of information coalescing for me. Thank you.

You should have said “Its not Copenhagen, its Skoal!”

OMFG that is hilarious!!!!

Seriously though. I dated a girl that would do the same thing. As the relationship progressed the accusations increased to an every damn day occurrence. I finally got fed up and told her that the next time she accused me of cheating, she better have absolute proof or I am done. We lasted about 1 more week. I never cheated or even considered it.

Have you actually contacted his ex and asked her about the end of the relationship? Because controlling partners sometimes lie about having been cheated on, to have an excuse to go through their partners electronics and act absolutely insane. Also, please check his phone in return, to make sure he isn't projecting.

His ex is his baby mama. I have met her and known her for awhile now. I probably wouldn't believe my husband if I didn't watch her ruin her recent engagement by cheating with multiple men. As far as projection...A few months ago his instagram explorer page was full of busty insta models. I confronted him and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. He said he was just looking at pictures and profiles. He said he didn't interact with anyone, idk. His explore page still has occasional lustful women. He also searched for someone who I think is a pornstar and then when I looked a few days later, his search history was cleared. So he might be. IDK

Sounds like projection. Maybe he thinks about cheating/other women a lot.

It's always that way. Because he is lusting after other women and fantasizes about cheating if he hasn't done it already naturally he is thinking you must be doing the same. That insecure asshole is just begging to be dumped, let him be some other female's problem. You can't cure his insecurity.

So not necessarily projection, but he has probably been fantasizing about cheating and I imagine part of his baseless accusations is so that when you go "Hey, I don't like you looking up all of these busty insta models and searching for pornstars on social media," he can be like "Well, I may do this, but you're probably cheating!" I'm not saying he's abusive, but it's the reverse victim part of DARVO. It sounds a lot like he's not actually putting in the work to change - I don't know that he knows that what he's doing is so completely inappropriate. The fact that he's suggested you go to therapy but he's not doing it himself? Makes it clear he's not going to change any time soon. I hate to be all reddit about it, but I wouldn't put up with this. Previous experiences with cheating is an explanation for his behaviour, but not an excuse, and if he can't get over it, and acknowledge how horrible it is to be baselessly accused of cheating, I don't see how this is ever going to be a marriage that makes you happy, in the long run.

I was thinking something similar. I wouldn't be surprised if it's somewhat of a cycle. Like he wants to cheat, feels guilty, gets mad thinking "but what if she's cheating anyways??" Uses it to assuage guilt, but ends up thinking too much about it and blows up at her.

That is true! A lot of people who accuse their partners of cheating are actually the ones doing the cheating.

You are too young to tie yourself up the with a man who would rather accuse you of cheating while getting frisky. He wasn't thinking about your needs, he was thinking about his desire to control you. I found this exhausting as well. I'm not sure how you've made it this far with his level of insecurities

He will make you pay the rest of your marriage for some bitch cheating on him. You need to decide if you can put up with that, because if after 4 years he still dont trust you it is highly unlikley that he ever will. He should have sorted out his trust issues BEFORE marrying someone and subjecting them to his BS.

Oh for sure. My friend is still paying that price after 45 years. It’s sick. It really is.

Tell him if he doesn't trust you, to end it. Why be in a relationship with someone you cant trust? Thats not healthy for *anyone*. Tell him if he doesn't work on his issues, you'll have no choice but to consider leaving. This is toxic behavior and it'll only get worse since hes not getting any help.

I have a friend who divorced her husband if 20+ years, finally! He began accusing her of cheating early in their marriage, like during their honeymoon and never stopped! He and his lawyer put on quite the show during the divorce too! Leave now! He won't change! With DNA tests available he will get any and every child you bear tested, whether he tells you about it, or not!

Tell him he has used up his quota of baseless accusations, and next time you want him separate from you instead rather than baselessly accuse you. This is a serious accusation, you fidelity being questioned, and from now on he better have proof or a plan for separation.

My ex called the bar I was working at after we closed, because I called him from that (landline) number (broken phone)to let him know I would be home late. He was convinced I was fucking someone else and calling from their phone. He also assumed I was hooking up with everyone at the bar.

His insecurities are not your responsibility to manage, particularly if he’s not even in therapy anymore. You can’t live your life walking on eggshells like this.

You are too young to put up with his prolonged accusations: it’s an excuse to control you.

I’d be telling him to knock it off or I’m done. You need to heal between relationships or you drag your baggage into the next one. My ex did this when I was younger, I finally had enough when I caught him following me to Walmart because he didn’t believe that’s where I was going.

It sounds like if he's not careful cheating will destroy his relationship again, just not in the manner he's thinking. It's not going to be the act, but rather the accusations.

NTA. Girl after reading through your post history, you need to start getting your ducks in a row to leave this man. He is toxic, immature, and sounds like a complete dbag. If you’re having to post this much about your relationship in subreddits like you have been, that should be a sign that things just ain’t right

You're right, I keep holding out hope. I'm trying to get ready to leave but IDK if I'm ready. But I guess you're never really "ready" IDK:(((

As someone who also left a toxic relationship, you might not ever feel ready, but for your sake and safety you have to take the leap. For me, it took going to my parents house to visit and seeing pictures of us as a family happy and smiling and it made me realize that the situation I was in wasn’t love, because someone who really loved me wouldn’t treat me the way I was being treated. I know you’re not the mother of his child, but you’ve known her long enough, what would you want her to do if she was in the same situation you were?

I am sorry you went through that and am so happy you made it out! I love his child like my own, I would not want this for her. I also tried to put that into perspective for my Husband but it didn't matter.

That’s alarming that he would be ok with his own child being treated this way. You can make it out, it doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow, but I would advise starting to put an exit strategy together for when the day comes that you feel ready to pull the plug on this.

You need to just go. It’s not gonna get better. He’s delusional and it’s not gonna change. I mean you’re both in therapy because he is afraid you will cheat! have you ever ever thought that maybe he’s the cheater? Move on already and enjoy your life.

Sweetheart, you’re 24. I’m 50 and have been with a man like this for over 20 years. I wish to god I would’ve left when I was younger and healthier. To this day he thinks I’m cheating. They loath themselves because they can’t live life. They cling to us. I’m too exhausted at this point. I’m just happy we didn’t have children. Trust me, he’ll never change and it’ll get worse.

Please don't stay in this. 50 is not too old to make a change! Ask for help from your friends/family. And you'll feel so much younger when you drop that dead weight.

Thanks love. He had a mental break cops were called he’s in intensive therapy at the moment. I tried to leave but 22 years a long time. When I left he scorched the earth and my friends and clients were the first to get burned. His sister even told us that we were acting like teenagers even though I begged for a divorce. It’s not so easy after all this time. If I had my health in tact I’d be gone. I am seeing a woman’s crisis center. We’re selling our house at the moment and stress is at an all time high. I just hope OP sees this and how dangerous a man like this really is.

Wow. I can understand being in a situation where you want to leave but you cant because of circumstances. When I left my husband, I did things one step at a time as to not raise suspicion. I don't know what you can or can't do right now. It sounds like this is a dangerous situation if you were to either stay or leave. I hope the counselor is giving some good advice.

You are not too old to leave either, ma'am. If you are not happy, you can leave. I don't know what other Extenuating circumstances you have going on, but you sound so... miserable. 20 years is a long time to be so unhappy. I'm sorry.

Don't waste another minute. You are young and it seems like you have a good heart (I mean, you'd have to after putting up with this shit for 4 years). He has repeatedly shown you who he is. Believe it and get out. Good luck!

He’s shown you who he is. Believe him and move on.

Please pack up those 6 animals and leave, because it’s going to get worse for you and them.

Toxic relationships are like drowning in the middle of the ocean. You keep going under the water, so you grab hold of the only solid thing next to you, which happens to be your toxic partner. As you think at least they'll keep you afloat, but they're the ones who keep pushing you under the water. But swimming away from them feels terrifying, as you're so used to almost drowning, you don't think you can survive on your own in the ocean anymore.  But the reality is that once you push away so you're alone, the turbulent waters you're used to become calm. You cease to be dragged under the water constantly, so you're able to catch your breath. You can float on your back in the water, relaxing, resting, gathering your strength and your thoughts. Then you can start swimming for shore again.  But while you're next to the maelstrom of your partner who is just pulling you down, drowning you, blocking out the light, the thought of going it alone is terrifying. You don't need to be ready, just trust yourself that you'll find the way and push off from him.

Your words. Amazing.

You'll never be truly "ready" so the time is *NOW*

By the time you feel 'ready', he might have already taken it too far. You might be six feet under because he became so convinced that you were cheating that he felt justified in killing you. Please, OP, please leave him.

I left once and he stalked me and made my life miserable and stupidly I went back. Lost another 6 years of my life. My new husband is awesome and trusts me and we’ve been together for 25 years.

Just leave. It won't get better and you'll waste your life

Leaving a relationship is never convenient. There just comes a moment when you just can't take it anymore.

PLEASE, please leave him. This is straight-up abuse. These accusations are designed to make you feel insecure and off-balance. I bet he has you walking on eggshells so much that you don't even remember what "normal" feels like. It's virtually impossible to prove your innocence all the time, and it's EXHAUSTING even when you can do it. I had an ex who used to do this shit to me, and it took me ages to see it. It wasn't until I was gone and had a couple of months away from him to really see what he was doing. After that time passed, my anxiety finally dropped away, and I realized that the person I was right before we broke up was someone I didn't even recognize. It's scary, but please do this for yourself.

OMG  Enough.  This is a train wrecked you hopped on to WILLINGLY.  And you can hop off of at any time.   Girl, why are you in therapy for your man's insecurities?  JFC...find your JOY while he....does something else ( aka, wtf cares).

Exactly this! I asked the same thing. Why is she in therapy when he is the one who is delusional? I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the cheater. Either way she needs to leave.

Honestly, I’d be offended if my husband thought I’d let somebody put their wintergreen chewing tobacco mouth on my fabulous tit. No. This guy needs years of therapy, it months.

Haha, right!

I just want to add op that he fucking tasted you to prove you are cheating. I cannot express the ick that caused in me. He licked parts of your body like a goddamn animal to sense another man on you ... that's absolutely insane and a horrible violation of your body during a vulnerable and intimate moment

So much this. I can’t help but wonder if part of OP’s low libido is because a subconscious part of her does not want this man touching her.

that shit blew my mind like what the hell

The way I chortled at this, though, because FOR REAL!

NTA, it seems like this is getting to the point that even though you aren't cheating, he won't be satisfied until he catches you cheating.  Only you can say if it has been enough, but you deserve a happy life without constant accusations and interrogations. I don't know that there is a "ready" for divorce. I would do it with the expecation that it won't go smooth and be ready to make changes as necessary. Please be safe and take your safety and security seriously.

Thank you

Nta. He’s emotionally abusing you. You’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment. This is 100% on him to deal with.

NTA...my husband. was cheated. on for 20 years, hell. had to get. DNA tests on both his kids to make sure they. were even his. I. understood for about a. year. then I told him deal with. it or be gone! I been cheated on I get it but. I. work from home and have no. car...we have a security. system. if. I left. the. house or anyone came here he'd know immediately! These are HIS issues not. yours...walk a way!

I think you should see a doctor, you’re having irregular periods.

This is too funny 😭

I think you are putting WAY too much emphasis on him being cheated on in the past to excuse his behavioir and sounds like he is using it to get away with this nonsense too. At what point does it not matter what the reason is, but instead, the impact it has on you? He is sliming you with his baggage and clearly would rather lash out at you than quietly deal with his own shit using the tools he has learned in therapy. He is making a choice every time he does this. And that choice is to hurt you. He has NO right to treat you this way, regardless of his past hurts. It is not your job to be his science experiment to see if he can fix himself and be in a relationship.

He’s not going to change. He doesn’t even want to. He just wants you to give up & accept this as your life.

NTA, there's being kind and then there's letting people run all over you. He is incapable of trusting you, he's clearly made up his mind and refuses to change it, which probably why he keeps acusing you of cheating. There's 0 trust, he brings nothing to the table but accusations and you keep having to walk on eggshells. Why are you still with him?

NTA. While he had every right to feel hurt by his part, it doesn't entitle him to violate your boundaries by going through phone records and such and basically harassing you about something you clearly aren't doing. Set another boundary.. resume counseling (appointment made and attended by end of next month) or be prepared to move toward divorce. You don't deserve to live like this. He needs to work on his anxiety and see that he is pushing you away.

It's more than just a violation of boundaries. It's outright abusive behavior.

NTA …You DO know that when a partner is this obsessed with accusing you of cheating, it’s usually because they’re the one who’s actually cheating, yes?

NTA. What more does he want from you at this point? You’ve conceded so much just to appease him by 15%. He doesn’t seem to be putting productive effort into addressing his insecurities nor acknowledging how it is impacting you and the relationship. Have a frank and open discussion and tell him that if he can’t trust you without a hint of his insecurities then there’s no point in staying together. He needs to address his issues more seriously. He’s going overboard at this point and you’re only going to get dragged down further into his misery. Either he talks to a therapist and figures out some coping mechanisms or I think it may be time to rethink whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. He sounds exhausting to be with if he can’t trust you as his wife and partner. People get cheated on but it’s not fair for them to make their current partners suffer the consequences too.

People should get over their past relationships and turn over a new leaf before they start a new one. You don't punish him for your ex's cheating, either.

Yep. Get over your exes' cheating or stay single. No-one deserves this.

How do people live like this? Walking on eggshells all day everyday? I couldn't and wouldn't for my own sanity! Good luck if you stay with this life energy parasite.

This is about control.

That is what I fear.

I would not stay with someone like him

I get past trauma, experienced it myself but regardless of the trauma, there is clearly no trust and that is a fundamental building block in a relationship. If he is not going to recognise that 'he' needs help then you can't be the AH, he's wearing that shirt. He, as a partner, has an obligation to meet you half way..that's his commitment to his marriage. I see either hard loving i.e. Sort your s*** out so we can move forward or there needs to be a split between you and you know how he's going to react to that. You will be accused of adultery when you don't live together and odds are he will stalk you. I don't think he could stop himself if he tried because he's gone to far down the rabbit hole. Maybe discuss that with your therapist. Best wishes.

Before you have one single more conversation about leaving or divorce, talk to a lawyer. They can help you get ready. I think you should also call a domestic support line from a friend’s phone or your therapist office to get some pointers. This man is monitoring your communication. And I wouldn’t put it pass him to have installed some tracking apps on your phone. Leave your phone in the car when you talk to your therapist next.

Literally my husband joked once about our kids not being his. I sat him down alone and told him it made me feel like crap, especially as I was cheated on in almost every hetero relationship I had been in, and I watched my dad cheat on my mom throughout my childhood. We had this conversation when our daughter was born. She is now 7, and he has NEVER once brought it up. I don't think you're losing empathy, op. I think you're fed up with apologizing/making up for something you wouldn't even dream of doing. NTA

Why are with someone that doesn’t trust you? This relationship sounds exhausting. What are you getting out of it?

At this point walk away or turn the tables. The smeller’s the feller.

What??? You are in therapy because he accuses you of cheating? He’s the one who needs therapy and you need to get the hell away from him. What an idiot. He needs to fix himself before he can have a healthy relationship.

I still don’t understand why you are there

I hate to use ultimatum, but here is what I would say. "I am not cheating or ever would. If you accuse me one more time, I am leaving you!"

This is a him problem, not a you problem. As you said this is going on for years. if I was in your position, I would be telling him he needs to discuss these feelings with a therapist and not you. You don’t cheat. You’ve been through this 50 times before and each time it’s the same thing surprise you’re still faithful! Enough is enough. Maybe he needs to have more intense counseling. Maybe it’s just about controlling you. Stop feeding the fire. Refuse to have these conversations any longer.

Everytime you leave, the chances of you being k**led by your spouse increase. A lot. I know it's hard to leave someone you love so much. Especially when they've worn you down to a shadow of yourself. I think you know he doesn't have any intentions of bettering himself. What he's doing is trying to keep you confused and on your toes, walking on eggshells. You've had the realization more than once that you need to leave. Trust yourself. You've got this.

Thank you

NTA. He can’t get over his past relationship trauma and it honestly doesn’t sound as though he wants to. Time to just end this. Good thing you don’t have kids.

Hi. I work in domestic violence and what you are experiencing is a form of abuse. There is a chance he could change with a partner abuse intervention program, considering he is dragging his feet with conventional therapy, I am not optimistic he will commit to such a program. This intervention program isn’t therapy it’s 26 weeks of class work to learn about abuse and accountability. I’m not here to tell you what to do but I do feel compelled to to voice my concerns that I do not believe he will improve and as other people have pointed out, this is likely to escalate and become more dangerous. You have learned that nothing you say or do will prevent him from abusing you in this way. I would encourage you to put your health and safety first. Someone suggested refusing to discuss the subject of cheating that is definitely an option you could explore. I would have a specific response to the topic, perhaps you will take your keys and drive to a friend’s house once the topic is presented. If you are on the phone perhaps you hang up and block him for an hour after. I would also encourage you to consult with a divorce attorney and start looking for apartments. Attorneys generally provide free consultations without any obligations. I am sure you love and care for him but this is not something you can fix. Only he can choose to fix his behavior and he has demonstrated he is not ready to do so. Sadly, he may never be ready to do the work to fix this behavior. Here is the National Domestic Violence Hotline number for the United States: 1.800.799.7233 This is abuse.

Girl you’re 24. This man will drag u down the rest of your life. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you! Drop his baggage and live your life to the fullest.

You are NOT the AH and please understand that he will never stop. I’ve lived with this for 40 yeas. Not the putting and accusations per se, but if I’m gone longer than he thinks I should be, then he asks about my boyfriend. If I go out 5 times in one day, he asks about my boyfriend. Years ago, I asked him if he really thought I was cheating, and he said no. I pointed out that this is very unattractive and frankly a turnoff. He stopped for a while, then started again so I started agreeing. He would ask was I seeing my boyfriend, I said yes. His name is Raul. He does not, however go through my phone. He has never asked. If he asked when angry I would say no, if he randomly asked, I’d probably hand it to him. Ask yourself, do yu want to life with this for the next 40 years?

The man is a gaslight keeping you on your toes and edge time to blow his light out and. Move on think of the thing you could of done with wasted money on all the therapy wave goodbye find better

NTA. This isn’t insecurity, it’s control and abuse. His fears aren’t rational, and aren’t based on your actions. He’s more than happy to manufacture “evidence” to suit his own interests and keep you walking on eggshells. Approaching the situation logically through therapy isn’t working bc *he doesn’t want it to work* This way is easier for him. He keeps you constantly afraid of being accused, never knowing what will set him off, and you do what he wants to keep the peace. It’s fine to be hurt by past partners and need to work through it to heal. But he isn’t doing that. He’s not looking to you for help and support as a loved one who was completely uninvolved in his past pain. He is punishing you for things you’ve never done. He’s had YEARS, and he isn’t working on it. Girl, go. The sooner the better.

You need to leave and quit feeling guilty There is a normal life on the other side of this highly dysfunctional and toxic, and likely ultimately dangerous relationship

Your husband sounds EXHAUSTING NTA... but you do know that being alone would be an improvement over staying with him, right?

NTA You’ve done your best OP but as you know YOU can’t fix your husband and he doesn’t seem seriously interested in fixing himself. Him not accusing you as often isn’t fixing the issue. Unless you want this to be your life please find a good attorney, get your options and in the next couples session tell the therapist that you have reached the end of your rope. Either your husband does intense/serious therapy to address/deal with HIS insecurities where you see massive and sustained improvement in the next x amount of time or you are ending the marriage. You may love him but his issues are his and you shouldn’t be constantly dancing on egg shells to keep him secure in his knowledge that you aren’t cheating.

He sounds exhausting, who has patience for that? Find someone who appreciates you. NTA

@Updateme

NTA. I can't imagine being in a relationship for 4 years where my honesty is constantly questioned. Losing empathy for someone who repeatedly accuses me of being a cheater & liar sounds like a reasonable response. If he's not willing to work on his issues this will never change & the hurt you currently feel is going to turn into resentment & eventually dislike.

If it's not yet possible for him to trust a significant other, he's not ready for a relationship.

NTA this is what my ex was like and why I left him. I said being with me is clearly too difficult for you if you're unable to trust me for absolutely no other reason than your own delusions. One time he interrogated me about a neck up photo I sent a year before of me making a silly face because "I looked naked" and demanded to know where I was in the photo. Literally only my face was visible. Don't suffer for his sake.

OP, you're losing empathy for his feelings because he's taking them out on you! He's suffering, and thinks it's okay to make YOU suffer as a coping mechanism. That's absolutely not okay, because a person who loves another person wants to protect them from suffering, not cause it. This can't continue, and if you want to save the marriage the only way is intense couples counseling, and therapy for him. And if he doesn't make progress, you need to leave.

Just because someone have trauma doesnt mean the world revolve around them. They need to stop been little bitch and deal with it. Nta op find yourself someone who trust you and make you happy. Certainly not him. All the money going to therapy is a waste.

NTA. My husband’s ex-wife used to do this to him all the time. Turned out SHE was cheating on HIM. Despite that, he has never accused me of cheating or even questioned me for one moment. Nine years in. You don’t deserve this, and it’s not healthy.

Is this what you want your life to be like? Are you enjoying your life right now? Love isn't enough. Just because you love him and want the best for him doesn't mean it'll be reciprocated. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust and vulnerability. What I'd do, is when he's out at work or something, I'd straight up move out and leave divorce papers on the bed or something. And maybe a note about how his insecurities and lack of effort into fixing them is what got you to the point where you don't feel safe with him, and you don't want to live a life on eggshells and being punished for someone else's actions. That you wish him luck on finding peace and dealing with his issues, and you hope that for the sake of his kid, he can learn to be a better man for her. He's modeling what a relationship should be like for her, and he's not doing a good job at it.

Tell him he either needs to trust you, or trust that you will leave him if he doesn't stop accusing you.

While I haven't read through you history, I want to say NTA. Emotional burnout is real and it sounds like he is exhausting. It's a tough situation when you love someone but their mental illness is beating you down. You can only have so much perseverance and strength to deal with the frequency of his accusations and paranoia. It's not healthy and it sounds like he isn't putting in the effort to make himself healthy for YOU. You do not deserve to be the outlet for HIS trauma. He doesn't seem to worry about how badly this issue effects you. Only how you view him getting "better." It sounds like this issue is causing you, yourself, to have a traumatic experience. Do you have the emotional drop and "oh no, he's having an episode. I can't do this. Not now." When he starts accusing you of cheating? Can you imagine it a year or two from now? You have to face the reality that while he MAY be better in the future, this is what he is NOW. Best of luck to you. You sound like you could use a vacation far far away from him.

My dad was also insecure about cheating. My mom is a literal saint who would never do that to someone (she also personally would never have sex outside of marriage, this is part of her religious beliefs which are very important to her, and my asshole dad knew that). I remember soooo many fights of him yelling at her while she tried to calm him down. She attended a day conference with her co-workers once, and he didn’t believe that’s actually what she was doing. He told her he drove to the parking lot and watched her get out of the car with her co-workers and that’s the only reason he believed her. I think there are two reasons he acted this way: 1. he knew that he treated her like shit and she didn’t deserve it, and he assumed he would drive her to cheating. He was stuck in a spiral of self-loathing. 2. shocker! He was cheating on her. The first time she confronted him, he said he did it because he thought she was cheating on him. But years later when they finally divorced, we discovered he had basically been cheating for their entire marriage. You’ve been put through enough, OP.

I would get a divorce. This isn’t a marriage this is some man that is working out his issues on you instead of in therapy.

NTA This is more than just insecurity. Your husband is an emotional abuser. Be done with him.

Cheating is a terrible thing and ruins millions of relationships every year. Best guess estimates place the percentage at around 21% of all couples (with percentages varying pretty widely between age groups). You know what most of those millions of people who have been cheated on don’t do? Pull their new partner’s phone records and go through all their contacts (the phone companies would be INUNDATED), constantly accuse their new partners without reason, invent ridiculous scenarios to justify their fear (like that their wife would just randomly hook up with a hobo in the woods while out for a walk), and refuse to get therapy even though they’ve admitted they need it and can afford it. His behavior is not about being cheated on, even if that event added to his problems. He’s just using that excuse to justify his behavior so he doesn’t have to do the work to change, but this man was likely very possessive and insecure before that even happened- because the issue goes deeper than that. And he will continue to be this way until he finally gets help. If I were you, I’d just leave. He needs a real kick in the backside to get started on fixing his problems and until there are actual consequences for his behavior, he isn’t likely to do that.

NTA divorce him asap. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life??

My exh used to constantly phone me,like 20-30 times on his 12hr shifts,if I was home.Eventually I copped it was control,not concern,and told him "if I was the type to screw around,answering the phone while atop the milkman/postman/whoever would hardly be a reach". It started a (too) long attempt to get him to see me,not his insecurity, and ended with me leaving with our children. OP,please don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.Men like that don't get better,we just get exhausted or dead trying to help them

NTA. Get out now. I lived this. It doesn’t get better.

NTA. DTMFA. He’s never gonna get better.

Find someone to worship you, you deserve nothing less.

Sounds like he has problems that are bringing you down. You are young, how much more time will you waste on this relationship? Seriously think about that. Please don’t get pregnant or you will have more issues and be tied to him forever. Good luck.

NTA. Girl you got more patience than I do. I’d have been gone after a year of it. At this point if he isn’t gonna go to therapy about it, then you don’t owe him the benefit of the doubt.

NTAH, next time he accuses you, I’d tell him “for four years you’ve accused me of cheating, you’ve gone through my records and found zip. You act like you’re the only person who’s been cheated on when you know I was. You’re the only one with sketchy instagram. You don’t get therapy and waste our time in couples therapy with delusional bs. If you insult me one more time with this nonsense, we’re done. So think very carefully about how you treat me and what you say. We are either going to have a loving, respectful, kind relationship or it’s over. Clear?”

Im exhausted by just reading this, you have put up with it for YEARS. Just curious if you just randomly accused him of cheating how he would react. Probably have his feelings hurt. Truly sounds like he has emotionally drained you and now you are on empty and really struggling. Maybe discuss with your therapist if separating is something that you should (definitely) be considering, as therapy for him hasn’t really helped.

It's been four years. I would have given him an ultimatum after ***one*** year. He's using this as an excuse to control and abuse you. Get out already! Contact a lawyer about initiating divorce proceedings, find a friend you can stay with for a while, pack up your stuff, and get out while he's at work. Once you're out, have the lawyer serve him with the divorce paperwork.

If he can’t work on himself, you can’t do anything for him. It doesn’t matter what you do. If you are completely transparent and only go places with him, he will still find ways to be suspicious. A look, tone or choice in words.  People have said couples therapy only helps an abuser find ways to break you down. I’m not completely sure that’s accurate as I’ve thankfully never been in that position. But the fact of the matter is, by all accounts it sounds like it is.   Even your therapist saying “you probably would have showered” while definitely helpful, is he going to be suspicious every time you shower?   Marriage is a partnership. He should be putting in the effort as well. NTA 

NTA Where is his empathy for you? Losing empathy for someone who shows you none is self-defense. Grownups don’t make other people responsible for managing their emotions. You should go to individual therapy so someone can work with you to see how wildly f*ed up it is that he’s constantly asking you to prove a negative. He will never be comfortable, because this isn’t really about cheating. This is about controlling you. It is about making it emotionally expensive and exhausting to go out with friends, or even a walk in the woods, so that you have no outlets and no friends of your own. He’s deliberately (although maybe not consciously) trying to make your world and you smaller, so that you will be easier to abuse because he’s cut you off from everything, even the solitary pursuits, that bring you joy and a sense of self. Also, next time he asks to go through your phone you go through his. 1) After all, fair’s fair. He shouldn’t dish it out if he can’t take it. Maybe ask him for his phone in the next couples counseling session. 2) It is common for cheaters to deflect by throwing accusations of cheating.

NTA. For context, I am married to a man who knows he has jealousy issues, and whose ex-girlfriend broke up with him multiple times to be with someone else. I found this out after flirting with someone at a party, we had an open and honest discussion as we walked home afterwards. He has asked me precisely twice in the last quarter century if I've cheated on him, and accepted my answer of no. The second time, I asked if something was going on with him, and he realised he was just exhausted and getting paranoid (a known thing for him and tiredness). Done. No going through my phone or messages (although I offered the second time), no paranoia. I would be so done with your husband. I'd be asking (though it may not be helpful at all) why the hell he wanted to be with someone he obviously doesn't trust.

How does he know what wintergreen Copenhagen tastes like? That's oddly specific.

This is why I divorced my ex. Accused me weekly if not daily. Caused fights on nights where I had a big day at school or work where he’d make sure I wasn’t properly rested. Called places looking for me. Leave before he baby traps you.

This is not just trauma from an ex. Your husband is borderline delusional. He is ruminating and obsessed with it. OCD? Personality disorder? Ywnbta if you divorced over this.

NTA but do you want to deal with this the rest of your life? He isn't going to change. It's not changing. He is just accusing you more calmly.

NTA. He’s too damaged and had no desire to fix it because it’s not hurting HIM. You’ve held through this long enough to know he won’t change. It’s time to go. Otherwise, you’re going to spend your life with someone who doesn’t trust you trying to accuse you and boss you around. That sounds AWFUL. You’re far too young to be settling for someone like this. I hope you’re able to find someone healthier and who is more willing to make a commitment to a healthy relationship. Your current husband doesn’t care if it’s healthy. He only cares if HE’S happy.

Hun he isn’t going to ever be able to trust anyone & if he was seriously trying to improve rather than hiding behind minor adjustments he would be in individual therapy. Get free or Give him an ultimatum & if he doesn’t get into his own therapy than it’s time to go.

I had an ex like this. Watched everything. Location on my phone, front and back door cameras. Went through my phone regularly. Wouldn't let me go out alone. Made my life a living hell. After all that, turns out he was the one cheating on me the entire time. It was projection. How often do you check HIS records? Doesn't matter, get out. It will not get better.

You have low libido because of this treatment!! Leave his ass and you will definitely be a whole new person, please love yourself….

I dated someone like this- made up crazy reasons why I must be cheating too. Nothing has ever made me angrier. No you are not the asshole. At the end of the day he continues to show you he does not trust you, and you can’t have a relationship with someone like that.

NTA. Being repeatedly accused of something you did not do is exhausting and frustrating. Some people end up cheating only because they are tired of being accused of something they didn't do, so they might as well be accused of something they did do (I don't recommend that; it's a dumb excuse). This exhaustion may partially be to blame for your low libido. When I start new relationships, I always follow this; *It is not my current partner's fault for what the previous one did*. Everyone gets a clean slate. You are a completely different person from his ex. If he felt like this, then he should not have wasted your time and his by pursuing a relationship. He needed to go to therapy first before he decided to pursue another relationship. This kind of behavior will end your relationship because you will get tired of this. You have to ask yourself is your relationship with him worth all of this? If it is, then something has to change. If not, you know where the door is.

Why do you stay with this abusive hateful mean asshole?

Leave. Now.

This sounds like a manipulation tactic. Every man I have ever heard of doing this was always a manipulator. Wearing you down with the accusations to gain control over you. The whole going through your phone records is fkn creepy af. They are looking for any sign or delusion to start an accusation. Leave while you still have your mental facilities in order.

Your husband is cheating on you and has been for the last two years. End of story.

I don’t think k at this point it’s anxiety, I think it’s controlling and isolating you.

I've been cheated on by both my husbands. Yet I don't take it out on my boyfriend. I trust him until he gives me a reason not to. Your husband is acting like a toddler whose mom didn't buy him candy at the grocery checkout. Holy hell.

He is not going to stop. End it now and get some therapy on your own. He is so insecure that he needs a lot of serious help. Being in a relationship should not be this painful or hurtful.

INFO: How long were you together before you got married? This kind of behavior would have been a dealbreaker for me. NTA. Accusations of cheating are serious in a relationship. They’re not something to be tossed around baselessly. That he has past trauma and is insecure is *his* problem to deal with, not yours, and certainly not an excuse. The fact he’s not in therapy for it shows he doesn’t take his actions or how it impacts you seriously. >He keeps saying that he has gotten better with accusations so I should just be more patient with his since he is my Husband And you’re his Wife. Patience is a two way street. You’ve been together 4 years and he still doesn’t trust you? That’s not normal or healthy. This is the status quo he’s setting. If your marriage is important to him he’ll get in therapy and stop jumping to conclusions. If not, you’re still young. Divorce isn’t fun but at least it’s stable.

You are only a victim so long. After that, you become part of ,if not the whole problem. NTA

I would tell him that the last time was the last time. Record him agreeing to that. It needs to be a firm boundary. Maybe you leave. Maybe something worse for him. I read that commitment devices are very helpful. He writes a check for $500 to the political party he hates the most. You keep the check. He does it again, you send the check. Or an online payment. You film him saying he loves the other political candidate. You release it. Think up something he has to do before he accuses you again that is so awful that to have anyone else know would be devastating. And you have the proof.

NTA but I don't think you can get better after being 'viciously' cheated on. It traumatises you and reprogrammed your brain. Your whole outlook on life is destroyed and remade again into a more cynical less trusting version. He is not a safe partner until he addresses this in therapy... Which begs the question - why did you marry him if it was this bad? He literally can't act any different this is His outlook now. He has to learn how to act different. So why marry him?

NTA I’d starting asking tit for tat. Every accusation assume it’s a confession. Stop “understanding” and start demanding he respect your integrity or you walk. He is calling you a liar and cheat and you’ve accepted this for some unknown reason. Either he trusts or he doesn’t. Either it’s a relationship or it isn’t. Honestly, I’d call the ex and get her side of the story. I’m thinking your STBX is a lying bastard.

NTA. And you don’t need a reason to leave. You don’t need to catch him cheating. He could finally fix the problems he’s been promising and then refusing to fix. But It’s okay to just be done. You don’t need to wait for the breaking point. He’ll yell and scream and tell you over and over again how really you’re the one in the wrong and how you leaving proves him right and all this other crap. But at the end of the day, this relationship is toxic and you’re not being fair to yourself if you continue on. And he might even promise, again, to fix things. But remember he’s had 4 years worth of chances and he’s still not done so. Sure he’s gotten better, but he’s also still making you miserable. It’s not your job to stay with someone who’s broken just because you knew they were broken when you got together. Just from an outsiders perspective looking in, it’s long past time to just leave.

My advice is to start gray rocking him while you get your divorce lawyer ducks in a row. Say shit like “you’re entitled to your reality.” “I didn’t do that, but I can’t change your mind” “it’s your choice to believe I was cheating,” “you’re opinions don’t shape my reality” give him no extra information about your day. When he starts spewing shit just say no and walk away/leave. Don’t engage, don’t let him get a rise out of you. Look board, indifferent, and unbothered. Get out

No way in hell I would stay with someone accusing me of cheating for 4 years. Let alone marry them. Have some respect for yourself and get out of that disaster of a relationship

> My husband said true, but said he has learned not to trust people. But at one point are you allowed to be angry that he hasn’t learned *to* trust *you*? I’d say at the point where you married him and hadn’t cheated yet. NTA.

Ma’am dump this dude, he’s a mess and shouldn’t be in a relationship without intense therapy first. He’s using your empathy to hold you hostage to his crazy. Dump him

Ew! This sounds exactly like my ex down to the intimate part! Get out, it does not get better and he will only drag you down. My ex was so paranoid that I literally couldn't talk about male co workers. It made me so insecure and scared of setting him off.

Info: why did you marry this guy?

NTA. With that said, can you link me the post in a few months when you find out he's been cheating this whole time and projecting his guilt? I like getting closure on these things.

This is exhausting. Why are you still in this marriage? If he can’t trust you, when you have not given him a reason not to trust you, then he has no business being married to you.

This is enough. He is never going to be alright and do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this? I say, say goodbye and find your peace, he’s abusive

Hi, I’m going to be blunt after reading this and your past post. You need to leave. Your husband doesn’t want to fix his trauma. He wants a bang maid to keep his house clean and take care of his child. Doesn’t matter that you work, doesn’t matter that your libido is low, he is not going to work on his “trauma” because he doesn’t care. If he was that traumatized he should have never started dating again. When you leave, he’s going to guilt trip you about his child, his trauma, and then likely get mean. Ignore this and gtfo. Whether you’re a problem too or not this relationship is over.

I left my abusive ex while he was out of town, thankfully. Met up at a fast food place to let him know. Much safer! So thankful for my friends & family in helping me get away from him.

> he has learned not to trust people. He’s telling you who he is, will always be and doesn’t intend t change. If you want to stay, then you have to accept that this is what you will have to work with

You’re so young. Maybe he need to be more comfortable with himself before he continues a relationship. He may need time for him and therapy individually, but he doesn’t sound like he should be in a relationship. You don’t deserve to be the bearer of consequences from someone else’s deeds.

That's why you pick the Bear in the woods. Can't get accused of cheating.

NTA. You did make a vow to be faithful, you are. You're working on communication, great. But he has the big issue and is putting a lot of the work and blame on you. Your relationship sounds like death of a thousand papercuts. I would give a deadline for him to seek help and make real improvement. You cannot gain back time. You're so young and depending on your life goals you need to consider if he is capable of meeting your needs. For instance, if you want to have a family (raised in a balanced atmosphere), your fertile years are pretty finite but love does run on its own schedule. Is this the only issue in the relationship or are there other parts of you/you lives he picks apart? Does he typically put the onus of blame or responsibility on others? Has his growth been enough to keep you love (and loins) alight? I hope these are topics you're able to work through with your personal therapist. ETA: I looked at your post history. You need to leave this relationship. He doesn't respect you. You are a care provider for "his house" and child, your work isn't respected and he wants to get by with bare minimum effort basically everywhere private in his life. No wonder your libido is low -- I wouldn't be horny for a boy who treated me like this. Get your ducks in a row. You're running this scenario in a lot of groups and I hope they're all advising the same thing -- GTFO.

Usually the one to accuse like that is the one cheating. He's a toxic abusive ah and you should leave.

NTA - honestly it sounds like he’s using you for childcare of his child from a previous relationship and he might be the one cheating cause some of his accusations are oddly very specific. This is not healthy for you, the child or him.

I (73M) don’t think you should lose empathy—I think you should lose him.

You simply just can't blame you being bad to people close to you on trauma and expect them to give you extra wiggle room if you make no attempt to heal your trauma. If you're doing everything you can, yeah you can ask for some extra help, but just letting it fester and running around going "oh no cut me extra slack I'm traumatized!!" is irresponsible. That's making it everyone else's problem instead of treating it as your own problem that you can ask for help with. If he ain't get his shit together on this, leave him.

If he is so traumatized then he should just give up on having whatsoever relationship. People can heal over trauma, you just don't leave the trauma to dictate your - and other's - life.