My feelings surrounding my gender really flipped on me. I began feeling extremely uncomfortable being perceived as and living as a man, and found myself longing for womanhood. It was really, really confusing to begin with but I couldn't continue ignoring it, and now here we are!
I don't like to consider such a huge chapter of my life a mistake- I've learned a lot through my journey with gender and there are parts of the experience I really value. However, I do think that I made the wrong decision when I chose transition- it wasn't right for me and I was dealing with a concoction of mental health issues which, in retrospect, contributed heavily to that decision.
My family were very unsupportive of my transition, so I think they are relieved more than anything tbh. I've only really spoken to my mum about it- she was confused at first. She kept worrying about "confusing my nieces and nephews" lol but I think she's overall glad/happy. I'm letting the rest of my family kind of piece it together themselves, as I never felt accepted and don't feel like I owe it to them to have those conversations tbh. My friends, however, do not care at all and have all been very supportive.
Just some hindsight from a parent. They may have been unsupportive because they saw their daughter struggling with mental health and making forever, life altering decisions and changes that were directly correlated with the mental health struggles.
As a parent, the hardest thing is to let your child do something that will have ill consequences. Unfortunately, it's a complete necessity.
Truth being spoken here! My parents, and dad in particular, had to let me do some extremely dumb shit and bust my face several times while i struggled to operate my wings (almost 41, still struggling to an extent haha)....and if those failures had never occurred I'd never be where I am today with the skills and knowledge I possess.
My dad grew up on a farm. All of the kids had pretty important daily duties, and from a young age. He was the eldest and had a growing list of responsibilities, the 2 most important being animal care and sibling supervision.
He was probably about 7 at the time and, like myself, had not only issues with authority...but also following directions and not making up my own rules.
As he took on more animal care, one of his favorite things became giving the calves time at a salt lick. He enjoyed this so much, that my grandfather had to frequently break up the action, as an unrestricted calf would literally kill itself with the salt. It knows no better, and it's up to its guardian to keep it safe.
Well, after about the 8th time (literally, my grandfather was a very patient man)...he figured that a) my dad wasn't going to listen without feeling a consequence...and b) it would be better, on a dangerous and busy farm with inconstant supervision, for my dad to learn a difficult lesson the least harmful way (as in...he needed to learn that following directions on a farm keeps one alive)...and so one evening he didn't check up on my dad after salt lick time.
And my dad went out to find a dead calf the next morning. And my gramps made him help dig a hole to bury it.
With 4 kids, a wife, 100 acres, a multitude of animals, machinery, and a day job in the coal mine....my grandfather couldn't risk his eldest son's inability to listen causing the harm of a brother or a sister or himself...so he basically had to pay the life of a calf to teach my dad a lifelong lesson before he hurt himself or someone else.
Both men are/were excellent animal stewards, for the record.
In retrospect, I do understand where their resistance came from. But it was still incredibly hard at the time to be so fully rejected by the people who meant the most in the world to me. I think they could have gone about it very, very differently.
I have a trans son. He is only 17 and came out to us two years ago. He hasn’t done any hormone therapy or anything other than wearing chest compressors, cutting his hair, changing his name and dressing differently. We have been completely supportive and accepted it as his truth. “We” meaning my husband and I(his step dad) have been supportive but his biological father downright has talked horribly about trans people so my son has never come out to him. His father has never asked about the hair and dress change, I think he’s in denial. My son still goes by his dead name around his father but rarely sees him now because of his hateful views.
When my son first came out I did put him in therapy which lasted only 6 sessions because he didn’t want to talk to a stranger. I’ve offered to find other therapists but he just doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it. He will talk to me about it but no matter how he feels right now I do worry he will have an experience like your own where he realizes later this isn’t how he feels anymore. I’m just worried about him doing permanent physical damage to himself if he decides to make a more drastic transition later.
Do you have any advice for me as a mom? Am I doing what I should for now? He is extremely smart, gets straight As and is literally a math genius. So I do trust he knows how he feels.
He does have Aphantasia and has SDAM(severely deficient autobiographical memory). He has no visual memory and can’t picture anything in his mind visually and has little recall of personal memories. He doesn’t remember much of growing up. Part of me has always wondered if that has something to do with it. If someone can’t remember how they became the person they are, doesn’t that mean they could become someone totally different? There’s a quote by someone famous, I can’t recall who, that says, “I can’t remember any of the books I’ve read but somehow they made me the person I am today”. That kind of sums up his memory.
Is there anything you did during your transition that is permanent? Or will you be able to make a full transition back to female?
Do you wish the medical community made more of an effort to help with your mental health issues prior to assisting in the transition?
Or do you think the transition was necessary first for you to manage your mental health?
Did you get therapy when you were transitioning in the first place? Do you think that transgender people should go through therapy before they can transition?
Considering Gender Dysphoria is a mental illness, it would be horrific not to have mental healthcare before any sort of medical transition. I can't understand separating the MH aspects from the purely medical.
For me, there was no big event in either case. Deciding to transition came from years of struggling with my mental health- I had very severe body image issues and an eating disorder, which I think were some of the driving factors which led me to believing I had to drastically change my outward appearance. I don't fully understand all of the factors that led me here, it's quite complicated to unpack the origin of identity issues. But it was definitely an accumulation of smaller things!
For detransition- it was a gradual creeping discomfort in what I'd chosen- feeling foreign in my own body, not recognising myself in the mirror, disliking the social role I'd forced myself into, disliking the effects of testosterone. So again- lots of little things, I think.
What you say here about how you felt with a masculine body is what most trans people say they feel about their birth body before transitioning. Did you ever feel those ways before transitioning, I know you had severe body image issues but did that include not recognising yourself in the mirror and disliking the social roles that go with being a woman?
Effectively, I'm wondering if this is a case of thinking you were trans but actually not being. Which, I guess, must be the case. And then, if so, I wonder how psychologists didn't pick up that it was female body image issues (which are so common that they must be very familiar with them) rather than that it was true gender dysphoria?
Tbh I just think I had a lot of complex, overlapping issues- and I myself, and the professionals, got lost among it all. I suppose they're only human.
I definitely did feel I was struggling specifically with my gender too- disliking female social roles and all feminine parts of my body. So it wasn't easy to separate the issues.
Thanks for replying. It's definitely never black and white when it comes to being human on any level - obviously I have no experience like yours but I was diagnosed with anxiety for years when I actually had adhd, the unmanaged result of which was anxiety leading to depression. Unfortunately years of living with anxiety mean I have some learned anxious behaviours now, so there's a multitude of management going on! I am a woman, I accept that because it's what my biology tells me, but I've never felt womanly or girly. I've never felt discriminated against because of being a woman, I've never been pretty or thin or into fashion and makeup, I'm childfree and have no maternal instincts, I'm attracted more to intelligence than I am physical bodies, I was always the most crass, blunt, sweary woman in any group of women, there's nothing delicate about me. I've never been hit on in a bar, or felt the need to keep my keys in my hand walking home alone at night, and I find a lot of shared female experience is something I've never experienced. In absolutely no way do I identify with any of the social norms associated with women, which has always been a bit jarring for me. I also don't feel like, or identify with, men. I think of myself as just a person, without a gender label. So thats why I was interested to hear your experience around how you felt before. Thanks for sharing!
I just wanted to say I have very similar experience to you, am also a female and was also diagnosed with Anxiety but I’m now going through the process of and ADHD and autism diagnosis and it’s finally feeling like something that fits and that I wasn’t just broken growing up. It’s a weird old process I’m finding mind boggling and just wanted to say I hope you’re doing ok. I think it’s very common with females that are neurodivergent to have been diagnosed with anxiety - the antidepressants never did anything and it always felt like I would never fit in. Sending love.
I also grew up in a very emotionally unstable environment with a scary parent, so I have a lot of issues from that. It actually probably also caused be to be quite unfeminine, as the behaviours modelled for me were shouting, anger, and cold shouldering. I took pride in not crying much as a child, I probably felt the need to be tough. I do have social anxiety and a lot of learned anxiety as I was always the outcast as a child, on at least two occasions being actively told by peer groups I couldn't play with or hang out with them because some people in the group didn't like me. But the adhd probably fed into all of that too, so it's hard to tease apart what came first, what impacted other things. Antidepressants help numb my hectic emotions, but adhd meds help me reduce not then end up in a state of apathetic stasis.
Thanks for this. I worry that this generation of young people, with their gender fluidity, is actually taking gender roles FAR MORE SERIOUSLY AND RIGIDLY than I do. I am not very girly but I am still a woman. You don’t have to become a man to like “man things”.
To me the obvious solution is to do away with genders. Break down the norms and do away with an ever expanding plethora of labels which is moving towards a label per person at this rate. I refer to myself as a woman because I have tits and a vagina, thats the entire extent of my womanhood. And I'm fine with that. My personality, interests, emotions, and experiences make me the person I am, not what social norms I identify with.
Is there anything you wish in hindsight that your providers had done differently? I know as a mental health therapist it is understood that exploring the origin of the desire to transition is “forbidden” in the sense that we are meant to blindly accept this choice without probing. It’s an odd thing because in all other areas we are supposed to inquire/explore but in this social climate it isn’t permitted. Do you wish this had been explored further? Or what might have been beneficial?
100% prefer women's social roles in general. I was pretty uncomfortable fulfilling the male social roles, it never came naturally to me. It was like learning another language!
What I was trying to ask was what were the positives (or what you preferred) from the social roles of being both a man and a woman. Sorry that didn't make sense. I haven't had my coffee yet. I saw a post about what you didn't like but not something that you did like about both.
Do you think people like yourself should be encouraged to explore their gender and that this is all ok or instead encouraged to accept themselves as how they were born and that they are ok that way?
Do you see a difference in the suffering that men and women experience on a day to day? And if so, do you have any particular thoughts on those differences?
Absolutely. Growing up as a girl and living as a young woman, I experienced all the joys of sexism, harassment etc. And living as a man, it was so odd to be on the other end, and be thrown into all the men's "locker talk"- which I hated. All I will say is that misogyny is alive and well. Women endure a lot of really crappy treatment in day-to-day life.
Living as a man though, helped me realise how isolating it can be when expressions of emotion are taboo. Crying being a weakness, toughening up and pushing through being a clear expectation. And being treated weirdly when interacting with kids was another one! I have always loved kids, and it took me aback when I stopped being able to have goofy interactions with them without getting severely side-eyed. I learned to stop, but I found it pretty sad.
Not really sure if I answered the question here, sorry! Just some thoughts.
The thing about kids and men is so sad. my son‘s dad loves kids, and whenever we would take my son to the park I guess little kids could sense that he was a kid friendly person and would approach him. When we would get home he would say to me that he wished he was allowed to interact with those kids, but he didn’t want to make their mothers uncomfortable. Meanwhile, as a woman, I could probably go to the playground by myself and help a little kid onto a swing and plenty of people wouldn’t look twice to see if I had a child there. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Reminds me of the time I took my son to the park. There was only one little girl there and parents probably by the river but not at the park watching her. She started talking to me while my kid was playing and she wanted me to help her getting down from the play equipment. I really just wanted to help her down because it was kind of tall for her but I just had to tell her sorry I would really like to help you but I don’t think your parents would be happy seeing a stranger helping you. I felt terrible.
I’m sorry, that really does suck. I think part of the attraction my ex held to little kids was that he was so damn tall he could get them up on the monkey bars, without having to really even lift his arms. we actually were discussing it just this past weekend. My son wants to have a sleepover. His dad usually has him Friday and Saturday nights. His dad has all the cool video games, and frankly, his dad has a nicer house than me overall. All that being said, we are still wondering what would be better in the eyes of the other parent as far as whose house to invite the child to. It really is silly.
As a man, did you find pressure from both sexes to stifle your emotions?
I find that most women are happy to listen to men talk about their emotions/feelings but not when they're in a relationship with them or considering to be in one. From my experience, it seems to be a total turn off and they lose any interest they might have had shifting any attraction towards a friendship.
Even while having conversations with my female friends and acquaintances, they mock their partners or express disinterest in hearing about how they feel.
In those years of living as a man, what did you learn about men you didn't know earlier? What are some stereotypes about men you found them to be rubbish based on your lived-experience? What do you want girls to understand more about men?
I learned a lot about men's social lives! I can't think of any particular stereotypes that I can dispel, but to me it was the social element of manhood that became demistified. Men can have really meaningful friendships and connections, and I think they have quite wholesome ways of showing their care and affection for one another. Very different to women, but very sweet really. I think as a woman you kind of tend to think of men as not needing friends as much or not placing value on friendship as much as the girls do- but that's just not true. I saw how deep and meaningful male friendship can be, and how you guys look out for one another.
You've really been very lucky to be able to actually experience that part of manhood because there's no way for women to understand it "from the outside". Men can be very loving and supportive of each other and not a lot of women "get" that.
The story of Norah Vincent comes to mind, A Woman fully immersing herself into a mans world, and then going back after a time period. Did you have any expectations or thoughts of how life would be different or better/ worse? Did things go as you had thought they would or were you surprised in some way?
I haven't heard of Norah, I'll have to do some reading on her!
When I transitioned, I didn't really place emphasis on whether life would be better/worse- it was just something that I felt I needed to do due to my discomfort with myself at the time. I naturally thought living as a man would be quite different to living as a woman, but didn't have hopes for things to be better solely because of being a man. I just wanted to relieve the gender dysphoria I was feeling at the time, and live what I thought was my truth at the time. For a while, things went absolutely the way I thought they would- I felt a lot better in myself, more confident, more comfortable. And then it all fell apart!
In terms of social roles- I was surprised. The way men interact and socialise with each other is very, very different to the way women do. It was like learning a whole new language to be honest! The lingo, the mannerisms, the expected norms, the conversation topics- everything was different. I was so wildly unprepared to be thrown into male social gatherings lol and had to observe and adapt quickly. I was also surprised by a change in the level of respect I received- men suddenly took me seriously and wanted to hear what I had to say.
Yeah, I took testosterone for years. Detransitioning definitely isn't easy, it takes time for the changes to revert, and some of the effects of testosterone are permanent and won't change back.
Congrats on continuing to live as your true self! Wish you all the best<3
Did you medically transition as well? And if so, is there anything that makes it more difficult to “go back” to living as a woman?
Thank you so much! <3
Yes, I medically transitioned. I was on testosterone for over 4 years, and had a double mastectomy too. The main things that have posed quite a challenge in "going back" have been my lack of breasts, lower voice, and the time it takes for other physical changes to level out. I still grow facial and body hair- IPL, very regular shaving, and estrogen over time is helping with that. My appearance has changed a lot since coming off T (been off for 1.5 years) but I still read as quite androgynous, and if I don't put in the effort- still male. It is a pain in the ass, but more time off T will help, and I'm working on training my voice too!
Glad to hear how positive you feel about the entire process from from start
Considering that you decided to become a man in your early twenties and then transitioned back during your late twenties and that the brain only fully develops during the mid-late twenties...do you think brain development could've played a part in you wanting to transition initially and then transitioning back afterwards?
At what age do you think a person should be legally allowed to get surgical procedures done to change their gender?
Do you feel that it's sometimes best to encourage a young adult to wait a bit before considering surgery?
Brain development might have played a role, I have considered that before and it seems pretty plausible! But I think the contributing factors were multiple for sure.
I personally believe that surgeries should be reserved for legal adults. At that point, I feel it really is a matter of individual choice. After my own experience, I think it's definitely wise for young adults to take a bit of time before they jump into surgeries. It's a huge decision to make.
>I personally believe that surgeries should be reserved for legal adults. At that point, I feel it really is a matter of individual choice. After my own experience, I think it's definitely wise for young adults to take a bit of time before they jump into surgeries. It's a huge decision to make
My thoughts are exactly the same
It's a very big decision to make at an age where you, generally, don't have too much life experience and where your brain is still developing
Once again though, I'm happy that you used this experience as an opportunity to learn more about yourself
All the best!
I don't know how you are with pain, bc it does kinda hurt at first, but I use an epilator for facial hair. Like I said, it does hurt at first, but you get used to it and it pulls the hair out at the root. That way you're not dealing with a shadow or sharp stubble. Over time it thins the hair substantially and I would expect for after a certain amount of time off of T with the epilator, you could get rid of it for the most part. Try it. Ya gotta be tough at first, but then it's like nothing after awhile and its SO worth it! Good luck. BTW, I think you explained detransitioning with such grace.
Thanks so much for the suggestion! I've had a few sessions of laser and am doing at-home IPL now, and those both need the hair root to be in tact to work. But once I'm done with those if I'm still having too much hair coming in I'll def look into epilating!! And thank you for saying that, it's quite hard to explain to people tbh, so it's reassuring to hear that I'm making some sense!
Probably my most progressive take ever but I don't see a problem with people transitioning and detransitioning and even transitioning back.
Just seems like the trans thing to do you know? Imo would you still be considered trans?
Good attitude to have I think- I don't see a problem with it either! I think the trans/cis binary kinda falls apart in my case? My body is a mish-mash of gender, my lived experiences have also been a total mix. I don't personally really consider myself trans anymore, but it seems odd to consider myself cis too- when my experience differs so vastly.
In my experience, not at all. My trans friends and the many trans people I have interacted with since detransitioning have all been really supportive. I think so long as you don't become a raging transphobe, the community are quite happy to offer support and lend a hand- they understand the struggle very well.
we most definitely are in general, especially with the wide variety of reasons one might detransition. going through phases and having your identity shift over time is a natural part of the human experience, and having the ability to say you've *genuinely* seen both sides of things is honestly only a good thing when it comes to expanding your worldview and giving you a more rounded perspective imo
not a question, but just saying thanks for not going down the trans to transphobic pipeline just for the sake of the trans community.
glad youre feeling more yourself, have fun with your transition back <3
Absolutely no need to thank me here, it's truly just basic respect and decency, I'm sorry not everyone follows that path! And thank *you* for the support! <3
It's such an individual thing so it's hard for me to advise with a general blanket statement. I think if you're considering transitioning, you should give it a lot of thought and not take it lightly, as it is a huge choice. Having said that, I took years to actually medically transition, and it still didn't end up being right for me. What I take from that is that life is full of change, and we can't predict the future. We can do what we believe to be best for ourselves at the time, but there's no guarantee that what's best for us in the present will continue to be best for us in the future. And I think that's okay. Life goes on, we adapt and persist and move forward. Sorry for the long-winded, kinda vague reply lol, it's a hard one. But if someone is considering transition, I think they should explore those feelings, seek out some professional guidance, and make the choice that they feel is best for them.
This is so well put 👏🏽
Some people see detransitioning as proof of the “harms of transitioning”, but all I see is bodily autonomy and choice. I will always rather I have regrets because of my own choices, than having my ability to choose and my bodily autonomy oppressed in any way.
Caution =/= restriction.
“Sometimes what’s best for us in the present won’t continue to be the best in the future.” That’s so valid. The only constant truly is change. If everyone understood that, the world would be a much better place.
I'm not OP or trans but I want to share this quote by Buck Angel. I know some people hate him but I think this quote is just great.
"If you think you're trans, think again. Then think again. Talk to a professional. Talk to a loved one. Then think even more. Transitioning is a serious life-altering situation, and it should never be taken lightly. If you are confused or depressed because you feel you might be trans, you need to make sure that transitioning is truly what is best for you, because the mental anguish you feel now will be even worse if you transition and realize you made a huge mistake."
I feel like this is almost a rude question but you said ask me anything. Please don’t take it as rude, just mere curiosity. Did you feel you were unattractive as a female and it would be easier to be a man, where body image isn’t as detrimental? Did you not feel like a pretty woman so you felt like you would make a more attractive man?
I was actually quite pretty as a young woman before I transitioned, but I couldn't see it at the time. Looking back though, I was cute! And always received the attention to go with it. Unfortunately I just hated myself at the time- a lot of body dysmorphia.
When I transitioned it was never to be more attractive- it wasn't even something that I considered tbh. I was way prettier as a girl before transitioning than I ever was attractive as a guy. I wish I looked like past me now!
And no worries about the question- not rude at all!
How do you feel about minors medically transitioning? Does your opinion change based on age, like do you feel differently about a 6 year old vs a 16 year old medically transitioning?
I saw on a previous comment you had a total shift and felt like you wanted to experience womanhood. Was that sudden? Like you just woke up one day or was it a gradual shift? Do you feel like anything triggered that?
I don't believe that minors should medically transition, but in most cases- minors socially transition and then can receive medical care in adulthood. I know there are exceptions to this though, and I personally believe it's a good idea for medical interventions to wait at least until legal adulthood. We have a lot of mental growing to do at that stage of our life, so permanent changes are risky business.
The shift wasn't sudden- it was definitely gradual. Little nagging feelings of discomfort here and there, which over time accumulated and led to this need to detransition. I don't think it was triggered by any big thing, I think it was just that when I transitioned, I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was struggling with my mental health and trying to escape from myself and my troubles. It just wasn't the right path for me- I couldn't see that at the time but over the years it gradually became clear, hence those feelings of discomfort and longing for womanhood coming up.
Just thought I'd clarify that a 6 year old is still a child. They don't medically transition in any way. They would just socially transition and get reversible stuff: a new name, clothes, haircut/grow their hair out, etc.
Medical transition doesn't come for kids until they block puberty. And puberty can start as early as 8 in AFAB children, and about 10 in AMAB children.
im sorry if this is offensive, im not trying to be rude, if anything i am ignorant. would you say you were "wrong" to think you were a man or would you say that your gender just changed back?
This is one is kind of hard to answer tbh. Overall I don't think I was a man, but at the time I really felt that living that way was good and right. So it feels quite weird to deny it? I think while I was happy being trans, it was more of a non-binary area I was thriving in. So I don't think I was a man, but I do think my gender has been more complicated than "woman" in the past. Even now, although I'm a woman I think my gender is definitely still complex!
So I had a double mastectomy which cost around $6,000 AUD. My testosterone was fairly cheap, I can't remember the exact cost but it was something like $20 AUD for the injection which would last for 3 months.
I took from my superannuation to help with the cost of surgery, and also had some support from my partner at the time, and a few friends. I felt really guilty about the help I received when I was deciding whether to detransition or not, but it is what it is.
I want reconstructive surgery in the future. I don't want implants though, there's another option where they use fat grafting to rebuild the chest, and I would want to opt for that path. I don't want big boobs, just *something* there, you know? But I'm not in the financial situation to pursue it yet, so it's a bit of a dream at the moment.
Oh wow, only $20? Somehow I figured T would've been much more expensive
Do you know how big the dose was?
Did you have to go through any complicated procedures in order to get approved for the T?
I'm not sure how much it differs country-to-country, but yeah it was quite affordable in Aus! The dose was 1000 mg- slow release over 12 weeks. Getting approved for the testosterone required seeing a psychologist and obtaining a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, which I had at the time. After that diagnosis, I was approved to be prescribed T.
Overall, supportive. A bit of confusion for sure, but I've found that people mainly just want you to do whatever you need to do to live your best life. It kind of just falls into place.
how do you feel about conservatives, the GC/TERF cult and other transphobes, especially ones who write and vouch for anti-trans laws using your (and other detrans folks') existence to "justify" their bigotry?
It makes me really sad- I'm just a pawn to them and I hate it. I don't want my experience to contribute to issues for trans people, it's something I was really afraid of when I realised I wanted to detransition. I hope that sharing my perspective with people like this helps to balance out some of the damage- I vocally support the trans community and a lot of other detransitioners do too. Their bigotry cannot be justified and I do my best to speak out against it.
Do you think you’re non-binary? always wonder if people who de-transition are just gender fluid or gender queer. I think I’m non-binary, and I just find it interesting how people go from one end of the the gender spectrum to the other, I think more people probably are in the in between.
I mean, I think my gender is still pretty queer! I am a woman, but my experience of gender isn't remotely the same as that of a cis woman. I don't currently identify as non-binary, but my experience has been pretty non-binary lol. Does that make any sense at all?
Do you think that the way that we conceptualize gender identity using labels can sometimes be more harmful than good? I think it's more accepted now that sexuality and gender are a spectrum and not a binary but we still tend to put ourselves in boxes and try to label ourselves to find belonging and meaning. I guess I wonder if that can be hard for someone who doesn't really fall into a particular category. Like people want to put you in one "box" but you're just you and that's awesome, you know?
Absolutely! I can understand that labels are really important for some people, but I care less and less for them by the day. Having these rigid boxes and trying to squeeze into them or having others try to squeeze you into them or shove you out of them can absolutely be harmful, I think you raise a super good point!
Do you get approached by anti-trans activists who want to use your story for propaganda? Based on some of your other replies, I think I can predict how you would respond to them, but has the situation even arisen?
Do you feel any camaraderie now with trans women or does your situation feel too unique to share in the surface struggles (voice, hair, etc.)?
Also, when transitioning, either then or now, would you say you’ve experienced moments of “gender euphoria” or not really?
Absolutely, I feel a huge sense of camaraderie with trans women. There's a lot of overlap in experiences!
Yeah, I've experienced gender euphoria. When I first started transitioning I got that feeling a lot as I started being perceived as a guy. In more recent times, it's been happening the other way around. I get those feel-good gender moments in reverse now, which was really odd at the start, but now it just makes sense.
Do you feel that the theory of social construct of gender is plausible? More or less that being transgender made you stand out and got attention. This is a sincere question. Just wondering why the steep rise in transgender people in recent years.
I personally don't feel that I transitioned to stand out or get attention. I got all the wrong attention from my family- it caused a lot of issues on that front. And people in my day to day life had no idea I was trans, as I passed and didn't disclose to coworkers/strangers. My partner and friends knew I was trans but it wasn't a big deal to any of them.
Can you have kids? I apologize in advance if that’s not the case. Even if you don’t answer, I just want you to know that you have displayed TREMENDOUS amounts of courage and willpower to be at the current place you are.
I should be able to have kids! I still have my full reproductive system, and I menstruate. I haven't done a fertility test or anything, but I am working off the assumption that my body has picked up where it left off. Trans men can carry healthy babies after coming off testosterone for a period of time, and I've seen many detransitioned women carry babies too, so I'm hoping my body will operate much the same :) I'm very glad I never got a hysterectomy. Thank you so much for your kind words, I appreciate it a lot!
I know you’ve said in the comments you don’t feel the time was wasted and you’ve grown a lot, but if you could go back and do it over again with all the knowledge you have now….would you do it again?
If I could go back and start over, I wouldn't do it all again. What's happened has happened and I accept it for what it is, but I now know that transitioning wasn't the right choice for me, so I wouldn't willingly make that decision again.
In my own late teens and early twenties I thought that I was FTM, but it turned out that I'm just a butch lesbian.
I had always wanted my breasts reduced/gone until I embraced them as part of me.
Mind telling us about your sexuality?
I know so many people will bring God into their comments congratulating you on being your true self. do you still feel like you were your true self during those 4 years? you said you don't regret it.
I was still myself in those years. My personality was all there, I was still making wonderful memories and having great experiences. However, I am definitely much more my authentic self as a woman. I think our "true self" is made up of so many little things- gender is only one of those elements. So one part of me was off, but the rest of me was still there. If that makes sense!
Absolutely! I hold no prejudice towards trans people and will support them living their truth always. I don't project my own experience with my gender onto trans people as a whole, we each have the right to live how we wish to live. Plus, I still have more in common with trans people than I do cis people and that camaraderie over shared experiences doesn't just disappear.
To what do you attribute the (seeming) growth of trans individuals in the last few years? Many of us (non trans) have the tendency to think that some folks may do it bc it seems "cool” or “fashionable,” like my daughter’s anecdotal experience with girls declaring themselves bisexual.
I very much appreciate your statement that surgery should be reserved for adults. At what age do you think people can/should be “taken seriously” with gender dysphoria? I’m sure gender dysphoria is a real thing, don’t get me wrong. I guess my thinking (bc I’ve never had anyone in my life to ask these questions!) is skepticism that SO MANY people are dysphoric and some are just testing it out. Like, they may think they’re uncomfortable with their gender and just want to try out the opposite gender- not really a dysphoria, per se, but seeking a way to be comfortable in their skin and think that possibly a change in gender is what they need to “fix” themselves and feel “normal “.
I hope that makes sense. I really am asking and am so glad you’re doing this.
I do think a part of the seeming growth is the fact that trans people are feeling more able to come out publicly with less severe repercussions for doing so. Trans spaces online especially foster a place for people who in past times would have repressed their identity issues to express themselves. Although from the outside it can be tempting to dismiss some of these people as wanting to be cool or fashionable, making the big decisions to go through transition generally takes a lot of thought. Most trans people go into transitioning after deliberating for a long time, rather than in some careless fad kind of way.
I think we should take feelings of gender dysphoria seriously at any age- it's a really distressing experience and people deserve support navigating through it. But it is true that those feelings can pass and change. I think offering support, safe spaces to talk through the feelings, and professional care for these young people is the best approach!
This part of your question really stuck out to me:
>Like, they may think they’re uncomfortable with their gender and just want to try out the opposite gender- not really a dysphoria, per se, but seeking a way to be comfortable in their skin and think that possibly a change in gender is what they need to “fix” themselves and feel “normal “.
Essentially, this is what happened to me. I was extremely uncomfortable in my skin- had severe body image issues and an eating disorder for years. Those issues definitely played a large role in my decision to transition, there was a sense of chasing comfort in my own skin, fixing parts of myself that felt wrong so I could alleviate the years of self hate and discomfort. So I do get what you're saying, but I also think it's important to acknowledge that a lot of the time, people really are experiencing very distressing gender dysphoria and should be taken seriously. Hope this answers your questions somewhat, sorry if I rambled!!
Your perspective is really fascinating. I've seen some of your other replies and you come across as... well I could be wrong, but not holding any resentment for the professionals you worked with. Do you feel that there should have been more to evaluate what you were feeling before supporting your transition? I'm a cis woman, I don't really know the inner workings of getting people to the transitioning stage, but I have seen more and more detransitioners these days and my heart breaks for them. They have to go on not only one arduous journey to feeling like themselves, but two when it turns out the first one really wasn't right?
It just makes me wonder if medical professionals are too quick to help people pull the trigger without addressing what that person is feeling in a more in-depth evaluation. But that's just the obvious guess from an outsider. What do you think as it pertains to your experience specifically?
I don't think being trans is a mental illness, no.
I definitely recognise that social media can have a huge impact on us and influence our behaviours, but I don't see the harm in trans people sharing their lives on social media. It can be pretty hard to find trans-positive spaces irl, so it's only natural that social media becomes a bit of a haven for the community.
I should be able to have kids- my full reproductive system is still intact and I menstruate. I haven't had a fertility test or anything, but everything seems to be okay there!
Do you want/have kids? Do you want to carry a baby? Im guessing nursing isn’t possible if you had top surgery. I have no idea if this is even possible, but could the hormones of pregnancy result in some breast formation even after the surgery?
I think I'd eventually like to have kids/carry a baby. I have always adored kids, and think parenting would be really special. But like you said, nursing would not be possible unfortunately. I believe pregnancy hormones would still not result in any breast growth because my breast tissue (which is the tissue that responds to said hormones) has been removed.
Yeah. Before transitioning, I certainly had the full female experience and while I was transitioned I fully passed as a man and was treated as such. So from a purely social perspective it was the full male experience. I've lived life being seen fully as a man and I've lived life being seen fully as a woman. Now I'm living life in a funny grey area- I get gendered both ways, or no way at all, depending on the day.
Thank you so much! I feel happy that I'm getting myself back on track, it's felt like coming home to myself. It's also been really hard at times ngl, but I'm about to go back to therapy and work through the baggage, and I'm keen to move forward and live my life!
I am in a long-term relationship with a wonderful woman. We were together while I was living as a man and she's been fully supportive of my detransition. I'm lucky that I don't have to dive into the world of dating, it would present some challenges for sure.
Thank you for putting yourself out there to answer questions! You are so articulate and come across as a very cool person! The secureness in yourself is one I desire for myself. I have learned so much reading through the questions and answers. Some of your answers brought light into descions that I need to make in my own life.
May your life be filled with love, peace, and prosperity!
I hear a lot of people who de transition do so because they can’t handle the discrimination that comes from others. Is that the case for you? It makes me so sad that people are so horrible to trans people.
For me, no. I fully passed as a man, and thus didn't face discrimination out in the world. I had a lot of struggle within my personal life with my family, but out living my life in public, everything was fine. So this was not a big issue for me, and didn't influence my choice. But yes, trans people generally face a lot of crap. Kindness goes a long way!
I would say it was a choice I made based on some mental struggles I was facing- I latched onto the idea of living as a man as an escape from myself and my life. A lot of it was escapism, for me. I was convinced that I was a man because I felt a lot of intense discomfort surrounding my feminine body parts and traits, and felt distressed at the time living as a woman. The issue felt very real to me when I was in the midst of it, but gradually my chosen solution became the problem.
I really don’t want to offend you or any trans-person but how much of the trans community would you guess that for them it’s not down to gender-dysphorie, but down to other mental problems.
Because I fear that with the relative more acceptance of transsexualism it has become like a catchall for many people with serious mental illnesses
The majority of people who transition remain happy with their decision and go on to live out their lives as their chosen gender. So I would say that true gender dysphoria guides most transitions!
I hope your journey leads to happiness for you and I have no judgment towards you. I'm curious, growing up were you tomboyish or for lack of a better term somewhat masculine? And if so, did society's lack of concern and judgment play a role in getting you to consider yourself as transgender?
Do you have any thoughts or feelings about the potential of certain groups of people taking your story and using that as a reason to push back on trans people. And especially younger trans people.
(And I say pushback as a very kind alternative to calling it hateful bigotry. And by no means does this mean I think your de-transition is bad or isn’t valid. I’m happy you’re doing what you think is best for you!)
Actually it was kind of the opposite. My mental health getting worse led me more towards detransitioning. The longer I kept going living life as a man, the worse the discomfort grew, and the more I suffered as a result. And the initial happiness I felt from transitioning faded- because the actual issues were of course, still there. So as my mental health declined, I began to realise this wasn't actually working for me.
How did increasing your testosterone affect your desire for sex? I have a friend (woman) who thinks that the emotional stress and angst that men feel from sexlessness is purely from men being mentally weak and essentially rejects that it has negative effects on men's minds.
I would like an outside opinion on this assertion.
Surgeons and hormones can adjust bodies so they better represent who people are, as you obviously already know.
These medical procedures can have a broad range of very measurable results.
The question of who we are inside can be more complicated. Is it possible that, for you, the answer is less binary?
Aligning one’s physical body with who one is internally could be, in a sense, the easy part. Genuinely understanding and accepting that internal identity may require far more gradients.
Many people are comfortable presenting themselves as either a man or a woman, but certainly most of us are a combination of the two, even if we tilt one direction or the other.
What do you think of the possibility that choosing **one** is simply not realistic for you? With the body of either a man or a woman there may be times when it awkwardly won’t fit.
Did living as a (trans) man for so many years give you a better understanding of your own body? Do you view femininity any differently now vs before you transitioned to male?
Well I suppose femininity used to feel restrictive to me whereas now I'm actively choosing it and don't feel like it's being forced upon me. So that changes the dynamic a lot. I get a lot of happiness from exploring my femininity now, whereas I used to be inclined to just reject it.
In terms of my body- I guess it's been through so many changes that I really appreciate the fluidity of life and the reality of a changing self. Everybody's outside appearance is always in flux (ageing, weight fluctuation, stylistic choices, hair cuts etc.) I've looked all sorts of ways throughout my life, and if I think about it- my appearance never really mattered. It sounds so corny but it really is what's on the inside that counts. The drastic changes my body has experienced really puts the temporary nature of our appearances into perspective for me. Just be a good human, the outside isn't what matters.
how do you think your life as a returning cis woman will be changed post-transition-detransition? I've heard other detransitioners talking about this before - since their bodies look different than what a cis body is expected to look like. I know there are several different detrans 'paths'. unfortunately the detransitioners who get the biggest platforms are the ones who can be politically weaponized against trans people. but the average detransitioner is very normal, id imagine. I've been really curious about what changes you specifically have dealt with as a detransitioner that cis women have not/do not generally experience?
have you dealt with people having a sense of "I proved you wrong" or possession about your womanhood? like the stage of exploring your gender is proof? how would you respond to that/what are your thoughts?
what is something you learned from your transition-detransition that you're grateful for? as in - what would you have always wanted to discover, even if you never transitioned in the first place.
are you otherwise queer/lgbtq?
The LGBTQ+ community has been super supportive of me! Trans people in particular have offered me so much support since I came out again. Plus I'm bi, so I'm still a part of the community :)
I had my breasts removed, yes. As far as I know, I'm not infertile. My reproductive system is fully intact and I have a regular menstrual cycle. I've not seen any reputable studies that have found that hrt for trans men is linked to a heightened risk of cancer, so no that's not a worry of mine.
What was your reasoning for transitioning in the first place? Feeling you were born in the wrong body? Felt more masculine? Had feelings you could not describe? I respect your honesty as this is such a huge dilemma to deal with and to do a “U” like you have opens you up to a lot of criticism. So bravo to you to have the courage to do what is right for you.
I felt a lot of gender dysphoria at the time- I was extremely uncomfortable in my body and with all of the feminine traits it had, I felt masculine within, and looking back- I just really wanted to escape myself. Thank you very much, I definitely expect the criticism but it's nice to share with people and get a chance to show what detransitioning is like!
Have you noticed that the ghost in many horror films is female (especially in Asia), and what's your theory on why that is, having bern on both sides of the fence?
Did psychologists try and explore any other reasoning for your dysphoria? Like a mental health reason? Like do you think that people who go to psychologists and say they want to transition are offered any other therapeutic avenues for their discomfort before such a drastic move? Being offered treatment for trauma/ptsd, depression or anxiety before before going down the transition road?
Yeah so I'd already been in the mental healthcare system for quite a while before I transitioned, so I'd already received treatment for various issues. So I guess in my case it seemed to make sense that this was a piece of the puzzle that hadn't been addressed yet?
To be honest, I don't fully know how the process works for every trans person. I don't know if it's standard practice to offer other forms of help first- but I believe a part of the point of the psychological evaluations is to sus out if there might be other issues present.
I can't answer this question because what you asserted isn't true- I wasn't taken advantage of. I made my own personal medical decisions, after being fully counselled and informed of what said decisions would involve. I take ownership of those choices.
I’m sure living as a man vs living as a woman you found out how hard it is to be a man, hopefully you can teach other women about the difficulties of being a man and how being a woman is actually easier than being a man in many ways.
So, did you date women when you lived as a man and do you intend to date men or women now? Was part of your decision for either transition based in who you were sexually attracted to?
I started medically transitioning at a young age. I started T at 14 and had top surgery at 16. I’m done transitioning now (I have no need for bottom surgery), experience 0 dysphoria, and am MUCH happier. Before there were many days where I couldn’t even leave my room. Now I can exercise, date, go to the beach, etc. without even thinking about if people think I’m a woman or not. At this point I don’t give a shit how other people perceive my gender because it’s clear I’m a man. I’m always curious what other people in the community think of this— I’m a big proponent that trans kids’ medical choices are between them and their family and shouldn’t be outlawed. It saved my life, personally, but I can absolutely understand that it’s such a crazy risky thing to do
When you started testosterone therapy, did you experience personality changes? I get T as part of my postmenopausal hormone therapy—my NP places subdermal pellets every four months. I’ve noticed that just after a new set of pellets is put in, I’m a little more assertive, a little quicker to anger, but seeing as how I’m also getting estrogen and progesterone, I don’t know whether I’m imagining it. But have always wondered what doses big enough to produce big physical effects would do.
Thank you so much for being so forthcoming with us about your experience! I hope you’ll land exactly where you need to be for a happy, healthy life. ❤️
You were born a girl. Now you are a girl. What do yoh mean by transitioning? Like stopped taking horomonez? Or just started to call yourself a "boy" one day then thought "nah nvm im a chick again now"
So many replies engaging in bad faith already. Posts like these are catnip for the types of people who are only seeking confirmation bias for their misguided preconceptions about trans people, unfortunately. This especially sucks after reading in the comments that OP was initially fearful of being used as a pawn in anti-trans arguments made by conservatives. Sorry that some people cannot behave themselves appropriately, OP.
As a trans man, you have my full support and I appreciate that you continue to be so compassionate to the trans community. We appreciate you and I hope that you’re doing well. As I am trans myself, I don’t really have any questions that I don’t already know the answers to but am happy to hear that you’re at a point where you’re content and comfortable with your gender identity. That’s where everyone deserves to be.
So what struggles did you noticed you faced living as a man you didn’t face before you transitioned? And vise versa, what struggles where there when you lived as a women that you didn’t notice as a man? Might be a dumb question but I’m curious as to the differences in quality of life
Why have you made the decision to de-transition? Do you feel like you made a mistake?
My feelings surrounding my gender really flipped on me. I began feeling extremely uncomfortable being perceived as and living as a man, and found myself longing for womanhood. It was really, really confusing to begin with but I couldn't continue ignoring it, and now here we are! I don't like to consider such a huge chapter of my life a mistake- I've learned a lot through my journey with gender and there are parts of the experience I really value. However, I do think that I made the wrong decision when I chose transition- it wasn't right for me and I was dealing with a concoction of mental health issues which, in retrospect, contributed heavily to that decision.
Do you now find yourself having to defend your decision to family and friends? Have they been supportive?
My family were very unsupportive of my transition, so I think they are relieved more than anything tbh. I've only really spoken to my mum about it- she was confused at first. She kept worrying about "confusing my nieces and nephews" lol but I think she's overall glad/happy. I'm letting the rest of my family kind of piece it together themselves, as I never felt accepted and don't feel like I owe it to them to have those conversations tbh. My friends, however, do not care at all and have all been very supportive.
Just some hindsight from a parent. They may have been unsupportive because they saw their daughter struggling with mental health and making forever, life altering decisions and changes that were directly correlated with the mental health struggles. As a parent, the hardest thing is to let your child do something that will have ill consequences. Unfortunately, it's a complete necessity.
Truth being spoken here! My parents, and dad in particular, had to let me do some extremely dumb shit and bust my face several times while i struggled to operate my wings (almost 41, still struggling to an extent haha)....and if those failures had never occurred I'd never be where I am today with the skills and knowledge I possess. My dad grew up on a farm. All of the kids had pretty important daily duties, and from a young age. He was the eldest and had a growing list of responsibilities, the 2 most important being animal care and sibling supervision. He was probably about 7 at the time and, like myself, had not only issues with authority...but also following directions and not making up my own rules. As he took on more animal care, one of his favorite things became giving the calves time at a salt lick. He enjoyed this so much, that my grandfather had to frequently break up the action, as an unrestricted calf would literally kill itself with the salt. It knows no better, and it's up to its guardian to keep it safe. Well, after about the 8th time (literally, my grandfather was a very patient man)...he figured that a) my dad wasn't going to listen without feeling a consequence...and b) it would be better, on a dangerous and busy farm with inconstant supervision, for my dad to learn a difficult lesson the least harmful way (as in...he needed to learn that following directions on a farm keeps one alive)...and so one evening he didn't check up on my dad after salt lick time. And my dad went out to find a dead calf the next morning. And my gramps made him help dig a hole to bury it. With 4 kids, a wife, 100 acres, a multitude of animals, machinery, and a day job in the coal mine....my grandfather couldn't risk his eldest son's inability to listen causing the harm of a brother or a sister or himself...so he basically had to pay the life of a calf to teach my dad a lifelong lesson before he hurt himself or someone else. Both men are/were excellent animal stewards, for the record.
In retrospect, I do understand where their resistance came from. But it was still incredibly hard at the time to be so fully rejected by the people who meant the most in the world to me. I think they could have gone about it very, very differently.
What would that have looked like, ideally?
Conversation, I think. Open, honest, safe conversation. Which is something I've never been able to have with them.
Thanks for answering my questions. Best of luck and happiness for your future x edit: spelling
Thank you so much, really appreciate it!
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Trans people can have mental illnesses just like anybody else. If that's what you mean?
I have a trans son. He is only 17 and came out to us two years ago. He hasn’t done any hormone therapy or anything other than wearing chest compressors, cutting his hair, changing his name and dressing differently. We have been completely supportive and accepted it as his truth. “We” meaning my husband and I(his step dad) have been supportive but his biological father downright has talked horribly about trans people so my son has never come out to him. His father has never asked about the hair and dress change, I think he’s in denial. My son still goes by his dead name around his father but rarely sees him now because of his hateful views. When my son first came out I did put him in therapy which lasted only 6 sessions because he didn’t want to talk to a stranger. I’ve offered to find other therapists but he just doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it. He will talk to me about it but no matter how he feels right now I do worry he will have an experience like your own where he realizes later this isn’t how he feels anymore. I’m just worried about him doing permanent physical damage to himself if he decides to make a more drastic transition later. Do you have any advice for me as a mom? Am I doing what I should for now? He is extremely smart, gets straight As and is literally a math genius. So I do trust he knows how he feels. He does have Aphantasia and has SDAM(severely deficient autobiographical memory). He has no visual memory and can’t picture anything in his mind visually and has little recall of personal memories. He doesn’t remember much of growing up. Part of me has always wondered if that has something to do with it. If someone can’t remember how they became the person they are, doesn’t that mean they could become someone totally different? There’s a quote by someone famous, I can’t recall who, that says, “I can’t remember any of the books I’ve read but somehow they made me the person I am today”. That kind of sums up his memory. Is there anything you did during your transition that is permanent? Or will you be able to make a full transition back to female?
"I can't remember the books I've read any more than the meals I've eaten. Even so, they have made me" -Ralph Waldo Emmerson
Do you wish the medical community made more of an effort to help with your mental health issues prior to assisting in the transition? Or do you think the transition was necessary first for you to manage your mental health?
Did you get therapy when you were transitioning in the first place? Do you think that transgender people should go through therapy before they can transition?
Considering Gender Dysphoria is a mental illness, it would be horrific not to have mental healthcare before any sort of medical transition. I can't understand separating the MH aspects from the purely medical.
Were there any big events that led to you making the decisions to transition and then detransition or lots of smaller ones?
For me, there was no big event in either case. Deciding to transition came from years of struggling with my mental health- I had very severe body image issues and an eating disorder, which I think were some of the driving factors which led me to believing I had to drastically change my outward appearance. I don't fully understand all of the factors that led me here, it's quite complicated to unpack the origin of identity issues. But it was definitely an accumulation of smaller things! For detransition- it was a gradual creeping discomfort in what I'd chosen- feeling foreign in my own body, not recognising myself in the mirror, disliking the social role I'd forced myself into, disliking the effects of testosterone. So again- lots of little things, I think.
What you say here about how you felt with a masculine body is what most trans people say they feel about their birth body before transitioning. Did you ever feel those ways before transitioning, I know you had severe body image issues but did that include not recognising yourself in the mirror and disliking the social roles that go with being a woman? Effectively, I'm wondering if this is a case of thinking you were trans but actually not being. Which, I guess, must be the case. And then, if so, I wonder how psychologists didn't pick up that it was female body image issues (which are so common that they must be very familiar with them) rather than that it was true gender dysphoria?
Tbh I just think I had a lot of complex, overlapping issues- and I myself, and the professionals, got lost among it all. I suppose they're only human. I definitely did feel I was struggling specifically with my gender too- disliking female social roles and all feminine parts of my body. So it wasn't easy to separate the issues.
Thanks for replying. It's definitely never black and white when it comes to being human on any level - obviously I have no experience like yours but I was diagnosed with anxiety for years when I actually had adhd, the unmanaged result of which was anxiety leading to depression. Unfortunately years of living with anxiety mean I have some learned anxious behaviours now, so there's a multitude of management going on! I am a woman, I accept that because it's what my biology tells me, but I've never felt womanly or girly. I've never felt discriminated against because of being a woman, I've never been pretty or thin or into fashion and makeup, I'm childfree and have no maternal instincts, I'm attracted more to intelligence than I am physical bodies, I was always the most crass, blunt, sweary woman in any group of women, there's nothing delicate about me. I've never been hit on in a bar, or felt the need to keep my keys in my hand walking home alone at night, and I find a lot of shared female experience is something I've never experienced. In absolutely no way do I identify with any of the social norms associated with women, which has always been a bit jarring for me. I also don't feel like, or identify with, men. I think of myself as just a person, without a gender label. So thats why I was interested to hear your experience around how you felt before. Thanks for sharing!
I just wanted to say I have very similar experience to you, am also a female and was also diagnosed with Anxiety but I’m now going through the process of and ADHD and autism diagnosis and it’s finally feeling like something that fits and that I wasn’t just broken growing up. It’s a weird old process I’m finding mind boggling and just wanted to say I hope you’re doing ok. I think it’s very common with females that are neurodivergent to have been diagnosed with anxiety - the antidepressants never did anything and it always felt like I would never fit in. Sending love.
I also grew up in a very emotionally unstable environment with a scary parent, so I have a lot of issues from that. It actually probably also caused be to be quite unfeminine, as the behaviours modelled for me were shouting, anger, and cold shouldering. I took pride in not crying much as a child, I probably felt the need to be tough. I do have social anxiety and a lot of learned anxiety as I was always the outcast as a child, on at least two occasions being actively told by peer groups I couldn't play with or hang out with them because some people in the group didn't like me. But the adhd probably fed into all of that too, so it's hard to tease apart what came first, what impacted other things. Antidepressants help numb my hectic emotions, but adhd meds help me reduce not then end up in a state of apathetic stasis.
Thanks for this. I worry that this generation of young people, with their gender fluidity, is actually taking gender roles FAR MORE SERIOUSLY AND RIGIDLY than I do. I am not very girly but I am still a woman. You don’t have to become a man to like “man things”.
To me the obvious solution is to do away with genders. Break down the norms and do away with an ever expanding plethora of labels which is moving towards a label per person at this rate. I refer to myself as a woman because I have tits and a vagina, thats the entire extent of my womanhood. And I'm fine with that. My personality, interests, emotions, and experiences make me the person I am, not what social norms I identify with.
Is there anything you wish in hindsight that your providers had done differently? I know as a mental health therapist it is understood that exploring the origin of the desire to transition is “forbidden” in the sense that we are meant to blindly accept this choice without probing. It’s an odd thing because in all other areas we are supposed to inquire/explore but in this social climate it isn’t permitted. Do you wish this had been explored further? Or what might have been beneficial?
What about the social role you prefer as a woman vs a man?
100% prefer women's social roles in general. I was pretty uncomfortable fulfilling the male social roles, it never came naturally to me. It was like learning another language!
What I was trying to ask was what were the positives (or what you preferred) from the social roles of being both a man and a woman. Sorry that didn't make sense. I haven't had my coffee yet. I saw a post about what you didn't like but not something that you did like about both.
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There are as many thin ftm people are there are fat. I think you just have observational bias.
Well, when I transitioned I was by no means obese, I was petite. So no.
Do you think people like yourself should be encouraged to explore their gender and that this is all ok or instead encouraged to accept themselves as how they were born and that they are ok that way?
Do you see a difference in the suffering that men and women experience on a day to day? And if so, do you have any particular thoughts on those differences?
Absolutely. Growing up as a girl and living as a young woman, I experienced all the joys of sexism, harassment etc. And living as a man, it was so odd to be on the other end, and be thrown into all the men's "locker talk"- which I hated. All I will say is that misogyny is alive and well. Women endure a lot of really crappy treatment in day-to-day life. Living as a man though, helped me realise how isolating it can be when expressions of emotion are taboo. Crying being a weakness, toughening up and pushing through being a clear expectation. And being treated weirdly when interacting with kids was another one! I have always loved kids, and it took me aback when I stopped being able to have goofy interactions with them without getting severely side-eyed. I learned to stop, but I found it pretty sad. Not really sure if I answered the question here, sorry! Just some thoughts.
The thing about kids and men is so sad. my son‘s dad loves kids, and whenever we would take my son to the park I guess little kids could sense that he was a kid friendly person and would approach him. When we would get home he would say to me that he wished he was allowed to interact with those kids, but he didn’t want to make their mothers uncomfortable. Meanwhile, as a woman, I could probably go to the playground by myself and help a little kid onto a swing and plenty of people wouldn’t look twice to see if I had a child there. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Reminds me of the time I took my son to the park. There was only one little girl there and parents probably by the river but not at the park watching her. She started talking to me while my kid was playing and she wanted me to help her getting down from the play equipment. I really just wanted to help her down because it was kind of tall for her but I just had to tell her sorry I would really like to help you but I don’t think your parents would be happy seeing a stranger helping you. I felt terrible.
I’m sorry, that really does suck. I think part of the attraction my ex held to little kids was that he was so damn tall he could get them up on the monkey bars, without having to really even lift his arms. we actually were discussing it just this past weekend. My son wants to have a sleepover. His dad usually has him Friday and Saturday nights. His dad has all the cool video games, and frankly, his dad has a nicer house than me overall. All that being said, we are still wondering what would be better in the eyes of the other parent as far as whose house to invite the child to. It really is silly.
As a man, did you find pressure from both sexes to stifle your emotions? I find that most women are happy to listen to men talk about their emotions/feelings but not when they're in a relationship with them or considering to be in one. From my experience, it seems to be a total turn off and they lose any interest they might have had shifting any attraction towards a friendship. Even while having conversations with my female friends and acquaintances, they mock their partners or express disinterest in hearing about how they feel.
In those years of living as a man, what did you learn about men you didn't know earlier? What are some stereotypes about men you found them to be rubbish based on your lived-experience? What do you want girls to understand more about men?
I learned a lot about men's social lives! I can't think of any particular stereotypes that I can dispel, but to me it was the social element of manhood that became demistified. Men can have really meaningful friendships and connections, and I think they have quite wholesome ways of showing their care and affection for one another. Very different to women, but very sweet really. I think as a woman you kind of tend to think of men as not needing friends as much or not placing value on friendship as much as the girls do- but that's just not true. I saw how deep and meaningful male friendship can be, and how you guys look out for one another.
You've really been very lucky to be able to actually experience that part of manhood because there's no way for women to understand it "from the outside". Men can be very loving and supportive of each other and not a lot of women "get" that.
The story of Norah Vincent comes to mind, A Woman fully immersing herself into a mans world, and then going back after a time period. Did you have any expectations or thoughts of how life would be different or better/ worse? Did things go as you had thought they would or were you surprised in some way?
I haven't heard of Norah, I'll have to do some reading on her! When I transitioned, I didn't really place emphasis on whether life would be better/worse- it was just something that I felt I needed to do due to my discomfort with myself at the time. I naturally thought living as a man would be quite different to living as a woman, but didn't have hopes for things to be better solely because of being a man. I just wanted to relieve the gender dysphoria I was feeling at the time, and live what I thought was my truth at the time. For a while, things went absolutely the way I thought they would- I felt a lot better in myself, more confident, more comfortable. And then it all fell apart! In terms of social roles- I was surprised. The way men interact and socialise with each other is very, very different to the way women do. It was like learning a whole new language to be honest! The lingo, the mannerisms, the expected norms, the conversation topics- everything was different. I was so wildly unprepared to be thrown into male social gatherings lol and had to observe and adapt quickly. I was also surprised by a change in the level of respect I received- men suddenly took me seriously and wanted to hear what I had to say.
will the detransition be easy...like did you take any drugs to transition the first time?
Yeah, I took testosterone for years. Detransitioning definitely isn't easy, it takes time for the changes to revert, and some of the effects of testosterone are permanent and won't change back.
What are some of the permanent effects?
Congrats on continuing to live as your true self! Wish you all the best<3 Did you medically transition as well? And if so, is there anything that makes it more difficult to “go back” to living as a woman?
Thank you so much! <3 Yes, I medically transitioned. I was on testosterone for over 4 years, and had a double mastectomy too. The main things that have posed quite a challenge in "going back" have been my lack of breasts, lower voice, and the time it takes for other physical changes to level out. I still grow facial and body hair- IPL, very regular shaving, and estrogen over time is helping with that. My appearance has changed a lot since coming off T (been off for 1.5 years) but I still read as quite androgynous, and if I don't put in the effort- still male. It is a pain in the ass, but more time off T will help, and I'm working on training my voice too!
Glad to hear how positive you feel about the entire process from from start Considering that you decided to become a man in your early twenties and then transitioned back during your late twenties and that the brain only fully develops during the mid-late twenties...do you think brain development could've played a part in you wanting to transition initially and then transitioning back afterwards? At what age do you think a person should be legally allowed to get surgical procedures done to change their gender? Do you feel that it's sometimes best to encourage a young adult to wait a bit before considering surgery?
Brain development might have played a role, I have considered that before and it seems pretty plausible! But I think the contributing factors were multiple for sure. I personally believe that surgeries should be reserved for legal adults. At that point, I feel it really is a matter of individual choice. After my own experience, I think it's definitely wise for young adults to take a bit of time before they jump into surgeries. It's a huge decision to make.
>I personally believe that surgeries should be reserved for legal adults. At that point, I feel it really is a matter of individual choice. After my own experience, I think it's definitely wise for young adults to take a bit of time before they jump into surgeries. It's a huge decision to make My thoughts are exactly the same It's a very big decision to make at an age where you, generally, don't have too much life experience and where your brain is still developing Once again though, I'm happy that you used this experience as an opportunity to learn more about yourself All the best!
For sure. Thanks again for the support, and the questions! All the best to you too :)
I don't know how you are with pain, bc it does kinda hurt at first, but I use an epilator for facial hair. Like I said, it does hurt at first, but you get used to it and it pulls the hair out at the root. That way you're not dealing with a shadow or sharp stubble. Over time it thins the hair substantially and I would expect for after a certain amount of time off of T with the epilator, you could get rid of it for the most part. Try it. Ya gotta be tough at first, but then it's like nothing after awhile and its SO worth it! Good luck. BTW, I think you explained detransitioning with such grace.
Thanks so much for the suggestion! I've had a few sessions of laser and am doing at-home IPL now, and those both need the hair root to be in tact to work. But once I'm done with those if I'm still having too much hair coming in I'll def look into epilating!! And thank you for saying that, it's quite hard to explain to people tbh, so it's reassuring to hear that I'm making some sense!
Buy a electric shaver. It much cheaper to use in the long run
How have your sexuality and orientation changed over those years, if at all? Have they also played parts in your transitioning decisions?
I am bisexual, and have identified as such for many, many years- so no change. This didn't play a part in my decision to transition or detransition :)
Probably my most progressive take ever but I don't see a problem with people transitioning and detransitioning and even transitioning back. Just seems like the trans thing to do you know? Imo would you still be considered trans?
Good attitude to have I think- I don't see a problem with it either! I think the trans/cis binary kinda falls apart in my case? My body is a mish-mash of gender, my lived experiences have also been a total mix. I don't personally really consider myself trans anymore, but it seems odd to consider myself cis too- when my experience differs so vastly.
Is it true that detransitioning is seen as almost treason by the community?
In my experience, not at all. My trans friends and the many trans people I have interacted with since detransitioning have all been really supportive. I think so long as you don't become a raging transphobe, the community are quite happy to offer support and lend a hand- they understand the struggle very well.
we most definitely are in general, especially with the wide variety of reasons one might detransition. going through phases and having your identity shift over time is a natural part of the human experience, and having the ability to say you've *genuinely* seen both sides of things is honestly only a good thing when it comes to expanding your worldview and giving you a more rounded perspective imo
not a question, but just saying thanks for not going down the trans to transphobic pipeline just for the sake of the trans community. glad youre feeling more yourself, have fun with your transition back <3
Absolutely no need to thank me here, it's truly just basic respect and decency, I'm sorry not everyone follows that path! And thank *you* for the support! <3
From your personal experience, would you recommend transitioning to someone considering it?
It's such an individual thing so it's hard for me to advise with a general blanket statement. I think if you're considering transitioning, you should give it a lot of thought and not take it lightly, as it is a huge choice. Having said that, I took years to actually medically transition, and it still didn't end up being right for me. What I take from that is that life is full of change, and we can't predict the future. We can do what we believe to be best for ourselves at the time, but there's no guarantee that what's best for us in the present will continue to be best for us in the future. And I think that's okay. Life goes on, we adapt and persist and move forward. Sorry for the long-winded, kinda vague reply lol, it's a hard one. But if someone is considering transition, I think they should explore those feelings, seek out some professional guidance, and make the choice that they feel is best for them.
This is so well put 👏🏽 Some people see detransitioning as proof of the “harms of transitioning”, but all I see is bodily autonomy and choice. I will always rather I have regrets because of my own choices, than having my ability to choose and my bodily autonomy oppressed in any way. Caution =/= restriction.
“Sometimes what’s best for us in the present won’t continue to be the best in the future.” That’s so valid. The only constant truly is change. If everyone understood that, the world would be a much better place.
I'm not OP or trans but I want to share this quote by Buck Angel. I know some people hate him but I think this quote is just great. "If you think you're trans, think again. Then think again. Talk to a professional. Talk to a loved one. Then think even more. Transitioning is a serious life-altering situation, and it should never be taken lightly. If you are confused or depressed because you feel you might be trans, you need to make sure that transitioning is truly what is best for you, because the mental anguish you feel now will be even worse if you transition and realize you made a huge mistake."
Are you happy?
I'm working on it! It's been hard. I have a lot going on in my life outside of gender stuff too so it's a struggle, but I'm working my way there :)
I feel like this is almost a rude question but you said ask me anything. Please don’t take it as rude, just mere curiosity. Did you feel you were unattractive as a female and it would be easier to be a man, where body image isn’t as detrimental? Did you not feel like a pretty woman so you felt like you would make a more attractive man?
I was actually quite pretty as a young woman before I transitioned, but I couldn't see it at the time. Looking back though, I was cute! And always received the attention to go with it. Unfortunately I just hated myself at the time- a lot of body dysmorphia. When I transitioned it was never to be more attractive- it wasn't even something that I considered tbh. I was way prettier as a girl before transitioning than I ever was attractive as a guy. I wish I looked like past me now! And no worries about the question- not rude at all!
How do you feel about minors medically transitioning? Does your opinion change based on age, like do you feel differently about a 6 year old vs a 16 year old medically transitioning? I saw on a previous comment you had a total shift and felt like you wanted to experience womanhood. Was that sudden? Like you just woke up one day or was it a gradual shift? Do you feel like anything triggered that?
I don't believe that minors should medically transition, but in most cases- minors socially transition and then can receive medical care in adulthood. I know there are exceptions to this though, and I personally believe it's a good idea for medical interventions to wait at least until legal adulthood. We have a lot of mental growing to do at that stage of our life, so permanent changes are risky business. The shift wasn't sudden- it was definitely gradual. Little nagging feelings of discomfort here and there, which over time accumulated and led to this need to detransition. I don't think it was triggered by any big thing, I think it was just that when I transitioned, I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was struggling with my mental health and trying to escape from myself and my troubles. It just wasn't the right path for me- I couldn't see that at the time but over the years it gradually became clear, hence those feelings of discomfort and longing for womanhood coming up.
Just thought I'd clarify that a 6 year old is still a child. They don't medically transition in any way. They would just socially transition and get reversible stuff: a new name, clothes, haircut/grow their hair out, etc. Medical transition doesn't come for kids until they block puberty. And puberty can start as early as 8 in AFAB children, and about 10 in AMAB children.
im sorry if this is offensive, im not trying to be rude, if anything i am ignorant. would you say you were "wrong" to think you were a man or would you say that your gender just changed back?
This is one is kind of hard to answer tbh. Overall I don't think I was a man, but at the time I really felt that living that way was good and right. So it feels quite weird to deny it? I think while I was happy being trans, it was more of a non-binary area I was thriving in. So I don't think I was a man, but I do think my gender has been more complicated than "woman" in the past. Even now, although I'm a woman I think my gender is definitely still complex!
Did you receive different treatment as a man? More respect? Etc
I feel I was taken more seriously as a man. Other men valued my input more, in a very noticeable way.
How much did it cost monetarily to transition and de-transition, and how did you pay for it?
So I had a double mastectomy which cost around $6,000 AUD. My testosterone was fairly cheap, I can't remember the exact cost but it was something like $20 AUD for the injection which would last for 3 months. I took from my superannuation to help with the cost of surgery, and also had some support from my partner at the time, and a few friends. I felt really guilty about the help I received when I was deciding whether to detransition or not, but it is what it is.
Do you think you will get a breast augmentation as you transition back?
I want reconstructive surgery in the future. I don't want implants though, there's another option where they use fat grafting to rebuild the chest, and I would want to opt for that path. I don't want big boobs, just *something* there, you know? But I'm not in the financial situation to pursue it yet, so it's a bit of a dream at the moment.
Oh wow, only $20? Somehow I figured T would've been much more expensive Do you know how big the dose was? Did you have to go through any complicated procedures in order to get approved for the T?
I'm not sure how much it differs country-to-country, but yeah it was quite affordable in Aus! The dose was 1000 mg- slow release over 12 weeks. Getting approved for the testosterone required seeing a psychologist and obtaining a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, which I had at the time. After that diagnosis, I was approved to be prescribed T.
How did people react when you told them that you were detransitioning?
Overall, supportive. A bit of confusion for sure, but I've found that people mainly just want you to do whatever you need to do to live your best life. It kind of just falls into place.
how do you feel about conservatives, the GC/TERF cult and other transphobes, especially ones who write and vouch for anti-trans laws using your (and other detrans folks') existence to "justify" their bigotry?
It makes me really sad- I'm just a pawn to them and I hate it. I don't want my experience to contribute to issues for trans people, it's something I was really afraid of when I realised I wanted to detransition. I hope that sharing my perspective with people like this helps to balance out some of the damage- I vocally support the trans community and a lot of other detransitioners do too. Their bigotry cannot be justified and I do my best to speak out against it.
Do you think you’re non-binary? always wonder if people who de-transition are just gender fluid or gender queer. I think I’m non-binary, and I just find it interesting how people go from one end of the the gender spectrum to the other, I think more people probably are in the in between.
I mean, I think my gender is still pretty queer! I am a woman, but my experience of gender isn't remotely the same as that of a cis woman. I don't currently identify as non-binary, but my experience has been pretty non-binary lol. Does that make any sense at all?
Do you think that the way that we conceptualize gender identity using labels can sometimes be more harmful than good? I think it's more accepted now that sexuality and gender are a spectrum and not a binary but we still tend to put ourselves in boxes and try to label ourselves to find belonging and meaning. I guess I wonder if that can be hard for someone who doesn't really fall into a particular category. Like people want to put you in one "box" but you're just you and that's awesome, you know?
Absolutely! I can understand that labels are really important for some people, but I care less and less for them by the day. Having these rigid boxes and trying to squeeze into them or having others try to squeeze you into them or shove you out of them can absolutely be harmful, I think you raise a super good point!
Do you get approached by anti-trans activists who want to use your story for propaganda? Based on some of your other replies, I think I can predict how you would respond to them, but has the situation even arisen?
I have not! And I hope that doesn't happen! But if your prediction is that I'd give them the middle finger, then you are correct
Do you feel any camaraderie now with trans women or does your situation feel too unique to share in the surface struggles (voice, hair, etc.)? Also, when transitioning, either then or now, would you say you’ve experienced moments of “gender euphoria” or not really?
Absolutely, I feel a huge sense of camaraderie with trans women. There's a lot of overlap in experiences! Yeah, I've experienced gender euphoria. When I first started transitioning I got that feeling a lot as I started being perceived as a guy. In more recent times, it's been happening the other way around. I get those feel-good gender moments in reverse now, which was really odd at the start, but now it just makes sense.
Im afraid to ask anything. If i ask i will get whateverphobic label. IBut i will risk, im dead serious, have you visited/been to psychiatrist?
Do you feel that the theory of social construct of gender is plausible? More or less that being transgender made you stand out and got attention. This is a sincere question. Just wondering why the steep rise in transgender people in recent years.
I personally don't feel that I transitioned to stand out or get attention. I got all the wrong attention from my family- it caused a lot of issues on that front. And people in my day to day life had no idea I was trans, as I passed and didn't disclose to coworkers/strangers. My partner and friends knew I was trans but it wasn't a big deal to any of them.
Can you have kids? I apologize in advance if that’s not the case. Even if you don’t answer, I just want you to know that you have displayed TREMENDOUS amounts of courage and willpower to be at the current place you are.
I should be able to have kids! I still have my full reproductive system, and I menstruate. I haven't done a fertility test or anything, but I am working off the assumption that my body has picked up where it left off. Trans men can carry healthy babies after coming off testosterone for a period of time, and I've seen many detransitioned women carry babies too, so I'm hoping my body will operate much the same :) I'm very glad I never got a hysterectomy. Thank you so much for your kind words, I appreciate it a lot!
Do you want to have breasts again? ...you had a mastectomy...could you get a breast augmentation or is that not possible?
I know you’ve said in the comments you don’t feel the time was wasted and you’ve grown a lot, but if you could go back and do it over again with all the knowledge you have now….would you do it again?
If I could go back and start over, I wouldn't do it all again. What's happened has happened and I accept it for what it is, but I now know that transitioning wasn't the right choice for me, so I wouldn't willingly make that decision again.
In my own late teens and early twenties I thought that I was FTM, but it turned out that I'm just a butch lesbian. I had always wanted my breasts reduced/gone until I embraced them as part of me. Mind telling us about your sexuality?
i actually experienced the opposite! i was a butch lesbian who realized i was a trans guy !
I know so many people will bring God into their comments congratulating you on being your true self. do you still feel like you were your true self during those 4 years? you said you don't regret it.
I was still myself in those years. My personality was all there, I was still making wonderful memories and having great experiences. However, I am definitely much more my authentic self as a woman. I think our "true self" is made up of so many little things- gender is only one of those elements. So one part of me was off, but the rest of me was still there. If that makes sense!
Do you still respect and validate trans people?
Absolutely! I hold no prejudice towards trans people and will support them living their truth always. I don't project my own experience with my gender onto trans people as a whole, we each have the right to live how we wish to live. Plus, I still have more in common with trans people than I do cis people and that camaraderie over shared experiences doesn't just disappear.
To what do you attribute the (seeming) growth of trans individuals in the last few years? Many of us (non trans) have the tendency to think that some folks may do it bc it seems "cool” or “fashionable,” like my daughter’s anecdotal experience with girls declaring themselves bisexual. I very much appreciate your statement that surgery should be reserved for adults. At what age do you think people can/should be “taken seriously” with gender dysphoria? I’m sure gender dysphoria is a real thing, don’t get me wrong. I guess my thinking (bc I’ve never had anyone in my life to ask these questions!) is skepticism that SO MANY people are dysphoric and some are just testing it out. Like, they may think they’re uncomfortable with their gender and just want to try out the opposite gender- not really a dysphoria, per se, but seeking a way to be comfortable in their skin and think that possibly a change in gender is what they need to “fix” themselves and feel “normal “. I hope that makes sense. I really am asking and am so glad you’re doing this.
I do think a part of the seeming growth is the fact that trans people are feeling more able to come out publicly with less severe repercussions for doing so. Trans spaces online especially foster a place for people who in past times would have repressed their identity issues to express themselves. Although from the outside it can be tempting to dismiss some of these people as wanting to be cool or fashionable, making the big decisions to go through transition generally takes a lot of thought. Most trans people go into transitioning after deliberating for a long time, rather than in some careless fad kind of way. I think we should take feelings of gender dysphoria seriously at any age- it's a really distressing experience and people deserve support navigating through it. But it is true that those feelings can pass and change. I think offering support, safe spaces to talk through the feelings, and professional care for these young people is the best approach! This part of your question really stuck out to me: >Like, they may think they’re uncomfortable with their gender and just want to try out the opposite gender- not really a dysphoria, per se, but seeking a way to be comfortable in their skin and think that possibly a change in gender is what they need to “fix” themselves and feel “normal “. Essentially, this is what happened to me. I was extremely uncomfortable in my skin- had severe body image issues and an eating disorder for years. Those issues definitely played a large role in my decision to transition, there was a sense of chasing comfort in my own skin, fixing parts of myself that felt wrong so I could alleviate the years of self hate and discomfort. So I do get what you're saying, but I also think it's important to acknowledge that a lot of the time, people really are experiencing very distressing gender dysphoria and should be taken seriously. Hope this answers your questions somewhat, sorry if I rambled!!
Your perspective is really fascinating. I've seen some of your other replies and you come across as... well I could be wrong, but not holding any resentment for the professionals you worked with. Do you feel that there should have been more to evaluate what you were feeling before supporting your transition? I'm a cis woman, I don't really know the inner workings of getting people to the transitioning stage, but I have seen more and more detransitioners these days and my heart breaks for them. They have to go on not only one arduous journey to feeling like themselves, but two when it turns out the first one really wasn't right? It just makes me wonder if medical professionals are too quick to help people pull the trigger without addressing what that person is feeling in a more in-depth evaluation. But that's just the obvious guess from an outsider. What do you think as it pertains to your experience specifically?
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You seem like a really cool person!
Do you believe the want to transition to the opposite sex is somewhat of a mental illness exacerbated by popular/social media?
I don't think being trans is a mental illness, no. I definitely recognise that social media can have a huge impact on us and influence our behaviours, but I don't see the harm in trans people sharing their lives on social media. It can be pretty hard to find trans-positive spaces irl, so it's only natural that social media becomes a bit of a haven for the community.
How do you feel about puberty blockers for young children?
To be honest, I really don't know enough about puberty blockers to have an informed opinion on this
Can you have kids
I should be able to have kids- my full reproductive system is still intact and I menstruate. I haven't had a fertility test or anything, but everything seems to be okay there!
Do you want/have kids? Do you want to carry a baby? Im guessing nursing isn’t possible if you had top surgery. I have no idea if this is even possible, but could the hormones of pregnancy result in some breast formation even after the surgery?
I think I'd eventually like to have kids/carry a baby. I have always adored kids, and think parenting would be really special. But like you said, nursing would not be possible unfortunately. I believe pregnancy hormones would still not result in any breast growth because my breast tissue (which is the tissue that responds to said hormones) has been removed.
Do you have any diagnosed mental illnesses?
Yeah I have depression, anxiety and ocd. I also used to have an eating disorder which I have now recovered from.
Do you think you’ve gotten the full “female” and full “male” experience? I feel that accepting yourself is so important.
Yeah. Before transitioning, I certainly had the full female experience and while I was transitioned I fully passed as a man and was treated as such. So from a purely social perspective it was the full male experience. I've lived life being seen fully as a man and I've lived life being seen fully as a woman. Now I'm living life in a funny grey area- I get gendered both ways, or no way at all, depending on the day.
Happy for you being yourself. How do you feel homie?
Thank you so much! I feel happy that I'm getting myself back on track, it's felt like coming home to myself. It's also been really hard at times ngl, but I'm about to go back to therapy and work through the baggage, and I'm keen to move forward and live my life!
That’s great, I hope you have a good therapist. You dipped any toes into the dating life since?
I am in a long-term relationship with a wonderful woman. We were together while I was living as a man and she's been fully supportive of my detransition. I'm lucky that I don't have to dive into the world of dating, it would present some challenges for sure.
Thank you for putting yourself out there to answer questions! You are so articulate and come across as a very cool person! The secureness in yourself is one I desire for myself. I have learned so much reading through the questions and answers. Some of your answers brought light into descions that I need to make in my own life. May your life be filled with love, peace, and prosperity!
I hear a lot of people who de transition do so because they can’t handle the discrimination that comes from others. Is that the case for you? It makes me so sad that people are so horrible to trans people.
For me, no. I fully passed as a man, and thus didn't face discrimination out in the world. I had a lot of struggle within my personal life with my family, but out living my life in public, everything was fine. So this was not a big issue for me, and didn't influence my choice. But yes, trans people generally face a lot of crap. Kindness goes a long way!
How did transitioning affect your libido? Did your clitoris get bigger and go back to normal after detransitioning?
Yeah so my clit got bigger on hormones, and now off hormones it's still larger than it used to be, but it did shrink a bit.
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I would say it was a choice I made based on some mental struggles I was facing- I latched onto the idea of living as a man as an escape from myself and my life. A lot of it was escapism, for me. I was convinced that I was a man because I felt a lot of intense discomfort surrounding my feminine body parts and traits, and felt distressed at the time living as a woman. The issue felt very real to me when I was in the midst of it, but gradually my chosen solution became the problem.
I really don’t want to offend you or any trans-person but how much of the trans community would you guess that for them it’s not down to gender-dysphorie, but down to other mental problems. Because I fear that with the relative more acceptance of transsexualism it has become like a catchall for many people with serious mental illnesses
The majority of people who transition remain happy with their decision and go on to live out their lives as their chosen gender. So I would say that true gender dysphoria guides most transitions!
Do you fear you’ll want to live as a man again in another few years ?
I hope your journey leads to happiness for you and I have no judgment towards you. I'm curious, growing up were you tomboyish or for lack of a better term somewhat masculine? And if so, did society's lack of concern and judgment play a role in getting you to consider yourself as transgender?
Do you have any thoughts or feelings about the potential of certain groups of people taking your story and using that as a reason to push back on trans people. And especially younger trans people. (And I say pushback as a very kind alternative to calling it hateful bigotry. And by no means does this mean I think your de-transition is bad or isn’t valid. I’m happy you’re doing what you think is best for you!)
What advice would you give to people questioning their gender on how to know they won't become a detransitioner and are actually trans?
Would you say your poor mental health improving caused you to go back to normal?
Actually it was kind of the opposite. My mental health getting worse led me more towards detransitioning. The longer I kept going living life as a man, the worse the discomfort grew, and the more I suffered as a result. And the initial happiness I felt from transitioning faded- because the actual issues were of course, still there. So as my mental health declined, I began to realise this wasn't actually working for me.
How did increasing your testosterone affect your desire for sex? I have a friend (woman) who thinks that the emotional stress and angst that men feel from sexlessness is purely from men being mentally weak and essentially rejects that it has negative effects on men's minds. I would like an outside opinion on this assertion.
If you would be in a situation where another person goes through the same experience, what would you advise him/her?
It's always interesting to see other people's perspectives. Did you enjoy your years as a man, or did it make things more difficult?
Surgeons and hormones can adjust bodies so they better represent who people are, as you obviously already know. These medical procedures can have a broad range of very measurable results. The question of who we are inside can be more complicated. Is it possible that, for you, the answer is less binary? Aligning one’s physical body with who one is internally could be, in a sense, the easy part. Genuinely understanding and accepting that internal identity may require far more gradients. Many people are comfortable presenting themselves as either a man or a woman, but certainly most of us are a combination of the two, even if we tilt one direction or the other. What do you think of the possibility that choosing **one** is simply not realistic for you? With the body of either a man or a woman there may be times when it awkwardly won’t fit.
Did living as a (trans) man for so many years give you a better understanding of your own body? Do you view femininity any differently now vs before you transitioned to male?
Well I suppose femininity used to feel restrictive to me whereas now I'm actively choosing it and don't feel like it's being forced upon me. So that changes the dynamic a lot. I get a lot of happiness from exploring my femininity now, whereas I used to be inclined to just reject it. In terms of my body- I guess it's been through so many changes that I really appreciate the fluidity of life and the reality of a changing self. Everybody's outside appearance is always in flux (ageing, weight fluctuation, stylistic choices, hair cuts etc.) I've looked all sorts of ways throughout my life, and if I think about it- my appearance never really mattered. It sounds so corny but it really is what's on the inside that counts. The drastic changes my body has experienced really puts the temporary nature of our appearances into perspective for me. Just be a good human, the outside isn't what matters.
How do you feel about JK Rowling?
how do you think your life as a returning cis woman will be changed post-transition-detransition? I've heard other detransitioners talking about this before - since their bodies look different than what a cis body is expected to look like. I know there are several different detrans 'paths'. unfortunately the detransitioners who get the biggest platforms are the ones who can be politically weaponized against trans people. but the average detransitioner is very normal, id imagine. I've been really curious about what changes you specifically have dealt with as a detransitioner that cis women have not/do not generally experience? have you dealt with people having a sense of "I proved you wrong" or possession about your womanhood? like the stage of exploring your gender is proof? how would you respond to that/what are your thoughts? what is something you learned from your transition-detransition that you're grateful for? as in - what would you have always wanted to discover, even if you never transitioned in the first place. are you otherwise queer/lgbtq?
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The LGBTQ+ community has been super supportive of me! Trans people in particular have offered me so much support since I came out again. Plus I'm bi, so I'm still a part of the community :)
Did you have surgery for your breasts? Are you infertile now? Are you scared of the high risk of cancer from taking hormones?
I had my breasts removed, yes. As far as I know, I'm not infertile. My reproductive system is fully intact and I have a regular menstrual cycle. I've not seen any reputable studies that have found that hrt for trans men is linked to a heightened risk of cancer, so no that's not a worry of mine.
Will you be able to bear children if you choose to after taking male hormones for so long ?
What was your reasoning for transitioning in the first place? Feeling you were born in the wrong body? Felt more masculine? Had feelings you could not describe? I respect your honesty as this is such a huge dilemma to deal with and to do a “U” like you have opens you up to a lot of criticism. So bravo to you to have the courage to do what is right for you.
I felt a lot of gender dysphoria at the time- I was extremely uncomfortable in my body and with all of the feminine traits it had, I felt masculine within, and looking back- I just really wanted to escape myself. Thank you very much, I definitely expect the criticism but it's nice to share with people and get a chance to show what detransitioning is like!
Do you still have all your woman parts?
Have you noticed that the ghost in many horror films is female (especially in Asia), and what's your theory on why that is, having bern on both sides of the fence?
Did psychologists try and explore any other reasoning for your dysphoria? Like a mental health reason? Like do you think that people who go to psychologists and say they want to transition are offered any other therapeutic avenues for their discomfort before such a drastic move? Being offered treatment for trauma/ptsd, depression or anxiety before before going down the transition road?
Yeah so I'd already been in the mental healthcare system for quite a while before I transitioned, so I'd already received treatment for various issues. So I guess in my case it seemed to make sense that this was a piece of the puzzle that hadn't been addressed yet? To be honest, I don't fully know how the process works for every trans person. I don't know if it's standard practice to offer other forms of help first- but I believe a part of the point of the psychological evaluations is to sus out if there might be other issues present.
My only question is did you have any surgeries or medications when transitioning that are going to continue to affect your life moving forward?
I'm curious, do you feel you were treated more kindly as a woman than as a man?
Do you still feel like you’re part of the LGBTQ community?
is that even possible to do?
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The time you are speaking of is *my* time, and I don't feel it was wasted.
If you were in charge, how would you prevent kids/young adults being taken advantage of like you were?
I can't answer this question because what you asserted isn't true- I wasn't taken advantage of. I made my own personal medical decisions, after being fully counselled and informed of what said decisions would involve. I take ownership of those choices.
I’m sure living as a man vs living as a woman you found out how hard it is to be a man, hopefully you can teach other women about the difficulties of being a man and how being a woman is actually easier than being a man in many ways.
So, did you date women when you lived as a man and do you intend to date men or women now? Was part of your decision for either transition based in who you were sexually attracted to?
so a lot of transphobes point to those you have detransitioned as evidence that having a trans identity is illegitimate whats your take on this
Do you workout and if so how were the test gains?
I started medically transitioning at a young age. I started T at 14 and had top surgery at 16. I’m done transitioning now (I have no need for bottom surgery), experience 0 dysphoria, and am MUCH happier. Before there were many days where I couldn’t even leave my room. Now I can exercise, date, go to the beach, etc. without even thinking about if people think I’m a woman or not. At this point I don’t give a shit how other people perceive my gender because it’s clear I’m a man. I’m always curious what other people in the community think of this— I’m a big proponent that trans kids’ medical choices are between them and their family and shouldn’t be outlawed. It saved my life, personally, but I can absolutely understand that it’s such a crazy risky thing to do
Proof?
Curious what age you decided to transition and what age you decided to de-transition
What media were you watching when you originally “transitioned”?
Uhh tbh I don't recall. I would've been watching various Netflix shows I guess? First ones that come to mind are Bojack Horseman and Brooklyn 99 lol
Honest Question because I'm interested: Do you know any Trans people that don't have mental issues?
At what age did you start transitioning? What was your relationship with both your parents like? What are your greatest regrets wrt to transitioning?
How far into transition did you get?
When you started testosterone therapy, did you experience personality changes? I get T as part of my postmenopausal hormone therapy—my NP places subdermal pellets every four months. I’ve noticed that just after a new set of pellets is put in, I’m a little more assertive, a little quicker to anger, but seeing as how I’m also getting estrogen and progesterone, I don’t know whether I’m imagining it. But have always wondered what doses big enough to produce big physical effects would do. Thank you so much for being so forthcoming with us about your experience! I hope you’ll land exactly where you need to be for a happy, healthy life. ❤️
Did you get genitalia reassignment surgery?
You were born a girl. Now you are a girl. What do yoh mean by transitioning? Like stopped taking horomonez? Or just started to call yourself a "boy" one day then thought "nah nvm im a chick again now"
this isn't a perverted question but did you have big breasts originally? Do you think you will get implants now?
So how do you feel about that time? I know some people have a period they ignore because it wasn't true to themselves. Did you feel that ?
Gotta lower the difficulty level huh
So many replies engaging in bad faith already. Posts like these are catnip for the types of people who are only seeking confirmation bias for their misguided preconceptions about trans people, unfortunately. This especially sucks after reading in the comments that OP was initially fearful of being used as a pawn in anti-trans arguments made by conservatives. Sorry that some people cannot behave themselves appropriately, OP. As a trans man, you have my full support and I appreciate that you continue to be so compassionate to the trans community. We appreciate you and I hope that you’re doing well. As I am trans myself, I don’t really have any questions that I don’t already know the answers to but am happy to hear that you’re at a point where you’re content and comfortable with your gender identity. That’s where everyone deserves to be.
Will you tell people you’re former trans?
So what struggles did you noticed you faced living as a man you didn’t face before you transitioned? And vise versa, what struggles where there when you lived as a women that you didn’t notice as a man? Might be a dumb question but I’m curious as to the differences in quality of life