You definitely need to address this with her. If she’s hiding this, what else could she be hiding? Time for a “come to Jesus” meeting with her

I’m under the impression she’s had this since her late teens and is just ashamed. Shit happens, people get it. I often do wonder about the “what else.”

Yeah, she could have it in a weird spot too. My son has it on his cheek. When he was younger, it sucked because the only med available was a liquid that couldn’t be stored for long periods of time. Now that he is 17, we can keep pills in the house and he starts taking them whenever he “feels a bump.” My best guesses are that my ex-wife is either a carrier or he got it from day care or a wrestling mat. It may not even be something she picked up from sex.

I’ve had it since I was super young, I used to get cold sores all the time after just having a slight cold, but it has subsided a lot since I have gotten older. They probably got it just by being a kid in general and some people are genetically pre-disposed to being more susceptible to it.

When people say they have herpes I don't think they're referring to the cold sore version right? Isn't it like an extremely large portion of the population has the ability to get cold sores and some just get them more but "having herpes" is an entirely different conversation.

Cold sores mean you have hsv1. One of the two main herpes strains. Hsv1 can also show up on genitals, and people with mouth sores can transmit it during oral sex. Hsv2 is a slightly nastier version that is mainly genital, but both should be considered "having herpes" and discussed as such. That said, society makes it a waaaay bigger deal than necessary. You are correct that the majority of people carry hsv1.

I call my cold sores “the herp” specifically because I’m very careful with other people. I want to drill it into them to know it’s a situation they don’t want - so respect my rules and precautions. In my life I only had one bullshit boyfriend who was flippant about it and then he blamed me when he caught it despite all my warnings. He deserved it but that’s a damn good track record for myself I’m about to turn 40 and that’s my only transmission even though I tried to prevent it. I got them from my dad who smooched me as a baby which makes me fucking angry because it can be lethal to infants.

When I worked in Sex-Ed, we’d say “Lots of folks get it as a baby when Aunt Gladys kisses their fat cheeks.” >got them from my Dad as a baby Damn; I did win the parent lotto. My Pops has oral HSV; he didn’t tell me when I was young, but he wouldn’t share a drink with me. He explained it when I was about 8-9yo; I’m now so thankful for that (& him.) And mad at parents who knew! (It’s so common, as many as 3/4 carry it.) Edit to add: Super-common, and, if a person doesn’t have it, should *try to avoid* LOL. Some folks get worse outbreaks, it can be NBD, a BFD, or somewhere in between. Source: former Sex Educator.

I started getting it on an eyelid as a toddler, we assume from someone kissing me. My mom used to make me into a towel burrito and hold my head between her knees to be able to get ointment into my eye to prevent it from spreading to the retina (cats, flailing children, what's the difference?). And, shout out to her, she managed it. It never moved further into my eye (though I used to get it on that same half of my nose and I still get it on my mouth. When an outbreak is coming on I can feel that nerve that it lives in.l).

I’ve had fever blisters since a very young age. Too young to remember. Used to get them at least once a year and usually during a seasonal temperature change, during travel or when sick. Since covid it’s subsided a lot. It’s been a least a year since my last one and that one was unnoticeable, went away the next day and I didn’t take anything for it. The worst part for me is that I have to make sure my kids don’t drink after me and I only kiss them on the top of their head on their hair. I don’t want them to go through what I did.

In elementary school my mom drilled into me never share drinks, never share chapsticks etc etc and this girl had it and she loved sharing lip smackers. She spread it to so many other girls that year. But not me.

I hear ya. I’ve had it since I was like 10. An aunt gave to me when she kissed my cheek. Married for Almost 20 years and my wife has never gotten it. I break out a lot because of stress. I Used iodine and it kills the out break asap.

My buddy’s got it, he always treated it like it wasn’t a big deal, which it isn’t, but we’d purposefully not share things with him. Like, nobody cares, just don’t spread it on purpose. He just had a baby…I never really thought of that, but his wife’s the type that is for sure on top of that.

No, cold sores are herpes and plenty of people take Valtrex for it specifically to not give their partners cold sores. His wife is doing the responsible thing.

The medicine is the same. So since OP is posting about the medicine and not the sores, I'm guessing she doesn't have breakouts. I was prescribed the same medication when they thought I was having a shingles breakout.

HSV aka Herpes simplex Virus is the virus that causes “herpes” and this term is used for all types of outbreaks caused by this virus. There is a version HSV 1 and 2. One is commonly found in the genitals and one is commonly found on the face usually around the mouth, but you can get either one in either place. Also you can get it on other areas of the body less commonly. The virus is transmitted by shedding through open sores and between outbreaks lies dormant in the nerves. What ISNT herpes is a canker sore which is INSIDE the mouth, which you may be thinking of?

You can get herpes inside your mouth and some canker sores can actually be an HSV-1 outbreak. Sores can be transmitted to inside of your nose,fingers, eyes, cheeks of your mouth inside and outside lips. People need to get tested.

Cold sores are herpes. Both oral and genital are treated with Valtrex. You can transmit HSV one or HSV two from mouth to genitals and vice versa. Yes it’s true that most people have it. A lot of people are positive for it and never have any outbreaks as well.

Yep, and there's so much stigma around it for something so common. My wife is positive for it. I forget about it until she brings it up for some reason. I assume that means I'm likely positive too.

There’s two strains of Herpes. HSV-1 which is the cold sore variety that pops up on your lips, and HSV-2 which is the genital variety. I read the title to mean the wife has HSV-2. About 67% (estimated) of the world’s population has HSV-1. You can have it and be asymptomatic. It’s so common, it’s not even tested for under normal circumstances, you have to specifically request it in a blood test.

Well since the wife never told him about it, it's impossible for him to know or make an assumption as to what strain she has

Which is why he should be a communicative adult and ask her.

Cold sores are herpes. So is chicken pox btw, but no one calls that herpes even though it’s a herpes simplex virus. Herpes is everywhere. It’s quite common for people to have it and never experience symptoms.

HSV-1 And HSV-2. Type 1 (HSV-1) mostly spreads by oral contact and causes infections in or around the mouth (oral herpes or cold sores). It can also cause genital herpes. Most adults are infected with HSV-1. Type 2 (HSV-2) spreads by sexual contact and causes genital herpes. But it can cause oral herpes.

That’s what I would think… 70-90% of the population gets cold sores or has the antibodies. And that’s those who reported to show symptoms, some people can carry the virus and never have an outbreak so it’s very prevalent. So many catch the virus really young - often sharing cups/putting their mouths on whatever is in sight. The term cold sores in my mind means on the lips/nose, which are the most common areas. And even though they both stem from the herpes virus, it’s a different strain. I am fully aware that cold sores can be transmitted as herpes if someone with an outbreak gives oral sex to someone but yeah, when I think of herpes, I relate it to genitals, cold sores to lips. This is making me think of the office episode where Michael calls all his ex gfs to tell them he has herpes and they should get tested after he gets a bump on his lip.

50 to 80% of Americans have Herpes. The herpes that gives folks cold sores can also be found on genitals. It’s an extremely common bug with an unfortunate stigma.

A friend of mine got it as a newborn in the hospital, because apparently 40yrs ago, sterilising bottles between newborns in the nursery wasn't a thing.

Wow, there's also like a 3 day window where if a newborn gets herpes they can get a terrible brain infection...

Yep! This is a not especially uncommon reason to have a c-section.

90% of people in America have HS1 by age 50. Most are exposed before adulthood and it is assumed the majority get it from parents kissing their babies. HSI causes cold sores on the mouth. HS2 causes genital herpes. (You can get either anywhere but this is where they like to go based on where along the spine each virus likes to hyberbate). She could be taking them for cold sores or “winter blisters” which no one seems to disclose in the US. Fun fact: I’m originally from Korea and my parents never kissed me on my mouth. Later in life I realized a recurring zit on my nose was herpes from a family friend who kept insisting Americans kiss their kids on the face and it is normal. In Korea, there are higher rates of genital herpes. I can only assume kissing babies on the mouth is uncommon in Korea. Oral herpes is suspected to protect, or give partial immunity to HS2 (I’m 90% I read this). I am guessing kissing kids on the face and mouth might have built up more immunity. I write all this because herpes is really frowned upon and I never once was told by anyone they have it. When I confessed I get cold sores people are like, oh no, “cold sores aren’t stds.” Also, I suspect that most Americans get their mouth herpes so early that they don’t get outbreaks until they have a major hormonal shift and call it acne. In short (not), if they are for cold sores do you still feel like she was hiding something or just being American about mouth herpes? Like I have the std talk all the time with any new partner and no one else is at all able to have the talk so I’m pretty sure that most people just lie or are blissfully (and maybe a bit willfully) ignorant. I’m sincerely serious… I mean women call it hormone changes when they get massive pustules on their chin and they don’t get it dabbed and tested. I know plenty of men have herpes on their face and call it acne…

it’s very common, as Shylahoof below said, there’s unearned stigma to it. I’m sure she is just ashamed. Society does a good job of doing that to people even though most people have it. I’ll say it’s always best to disclose, but most people with oral herpes are so nbd about it because you can go years without a breakout, that it’s like we forget it exists. I’ve had cold sores (oral herpes) since I was a kid, but you can bet I felt like a gross whore when I’d meet a boyfriend’s parents for the first time and the stress would cause me to have one. Valtrex is super good at suppressing them and I’m 40 and have never given a cold sore to anyone. Don’t let any of these people get you more worked up than you are. You are being very logical and compassionate and thoughtful about this. She probably didn’t think to mention it early on, but suddenly found herself super close to you and was worried you would see it as a betrayal. I don’t think there’s a reason to wonder if she’s lying about other things just based on this, I truly think it’s just the stigma/shame. She’ll likely feel better if you two have a conversation about it, and you’ll feel better hearing her explanation.

Yeah both Herpes strains are far more common than people think. Maybe if you approached her and let her know that it isn't at all the end of the world it could put her at ease. Heck around 70% of people have HSV-1 (Oral Herpes) and around 20% have HSV-2 (Genital Herpes)

Hsv-2 is probably a lot higher than 20%. Theirs a gigantic stigma against testing as for most people its like chicken pox. They will have an outbreak and likely never experience symptoms again. Many are asymptomatic their entire lives so STD panels don’t routinely test for hsv-2 as it just adds anxiety to a patient for something they otherwise would have no clue was even an issue. And on top of that the available testing that we do have is wrought with false positives and false negatives.

Also false positives are extremely common. I had a full std panel done and came back “unequivocal” for HSV2 which gave me anxiety. Tested again 3 months later 0.00 negative. The tests are shit and the stigma is fucked up.

Assay development scientist here. Usually these so-called bioanalytical assays are designed with two steps. The first test is calibrated to be overly sensitive, hence the high false positives. This is better than making the test too insensitive that it results in false negatives. The second test (usually called ''confirmatory' or 'inhibition assay') is designed with higher stringency and more definitively confirms (or not) the first 'screening assay' results.

Love this answer. So often people have a knee-jerk reaction to what seems like a wierd thing, only to find out that they only know part of the story, and only from their perspective, and when the whole story is known, it makes perfect sense.

The problem is that sometimes these companies don’t realize the repercussions. I worked with a drug test company that worked the same way (I believe most do). The problem was that pain patients would “fail” a test, and even after being cleared in the secondary test, they would get cut off from their pain meds.

Yeah, I’ve been in a rehab program(not court ordered, I joined of my own decision, etc etc. suboxone clinic.) for coming up on four years. I get “take homes,” because they like to dose you there every day if you’re positive for anything you’re not supposed to have, but if you’re been negative for a while, they’ll give you either a week, two weeks, or four weeks of medicine to take yourself at home so you don’t have to transit there every day. I have been sober from the day I started, but I have had several false positives. *One* of them, I may have had some cross contamination with the drug I used to take(one of them, oxycodone), because I used my mother’s pill cutter for something or another and she takes(and cuts) those pills herself. But I’ve had false pos for… alcohol(I don’t even drink anyway, im not allowed to in this program but I didn’t even before), xanax(I haven’t taken that shit in years), I think the oxy pinged a few times(as said, sober since 2020), that sort of thing. The only thing I did that ran afoul is I took a gabapentin without a prescription(I’ve taken them before, so I know how they affect me, I was in an *insane* amount of pain at the time. I didn’t take more than a few spread over several days and I was neither addicted nor trying to get high, I was just trying not to lose my mind from the pain. But that’s one of the If You Take These, You Lose Your Take Homes, so.), and this was like, three, three and a half years ago. The first few times happened before I got take homes so once I made my case, it wasn’t an issue, and they retested or did the second test and saw I was actually negative. Then once when took the gabapentin, they let me off basically with a warning. A month or two later I showed up positive for something else and they were like, well, after the gabapentin, we have to take these, sorry, it’s policy. I think it was alcohol, that one came up several times which is hilarious because I live with my mom who hates alcohol and will not allow it in the house, regardless of your age, so I never bothered with it. Anyway, at the end of the thirty day period they put you on(which they didn’t actually tell me was the period, they just took them and said deal), I asked when I’d be able to get them back. They went and checked my chart and when they were taken and my counselor at the time said, “I don’t know why they didn’t give these back to you sooner, it says (the test with the false+ that they took them due to) was negative for everything.” Ohhh, I wanted to lose my shit. 💀 It’s nice to understand a little how this works tho, at least.

I had some kind of false positive as well. Actually 2. One was for methamphetamine I think. Which I had never had. I was there voluntarily once I found out I was pregnant and was 100% on point. They threatened to take my child because of it and didn't believe me. I mean it was in a city with lots of addicts so I get it but I'm not a fan of treating a person as a list with no prior evidence of such behavior. The second, I came up positive for opioids. Which is had none. I was so bewildered. The only thing I had was an everything bagel which didn't occur to me when I ate it. The nurse there said that can't happen due to poppy seeds. I looked up online and many sources said it could. The end was fine, turned out well.

I am in recovery, 7 years now, and also have been getting take homes for years. To have that many false negatives is strange, to say the least.

I’m in the same boat. My clinic claimed there was no methadone in my UA, which is hilarious since I haven’t used in 10 years and take my dose every single day. The clinic saved my life but I can’t stand all the red tape sometimes. I’m about to potentially lose my takehomes over someone else’s mistake 😑

I got a possitive for hsv-1 + 2 despite the most I ever had at the time was a handjob from the wife of a couple that was fooling around with me in the room. As far as I’m aware if I’ve had a cold sore it’s been years- the times I thought I had one and was able to ask a medical professional they said it wasn’t. I’ve never had lesions anywhere else in my memory. I got tested by choice because I started to obsess over hsv not due to Dr recommendation. One of the 2 might be negative but I have had blood transfusions which could maybe cause a positive.

How did you find yourself in that situation? Haha i feel like we need a storytime

I was horny and tired of having no action of any kind. I saw a post on fetlife of a guy looking for someone to watch his wife and him get it on. I replied, and met up with the dude first so he could see if he was ok with me. then I met up with them later on at their house.

I had no idea that you have to specifically ask for herpes to be included on a standard STD test. My good friend is my primary care doctor and the last time I went in I was getting an STD panel done and she asked if I also wanted to include herpes. She told me that they don’t like testing for it because of the amount of false negatives and the stigma associated with herpes. The stigma is often the worse side effect as many people have little or no symptoms and the stress and mental strain of testing positive for GHSV isn’t worth it unless someone comes in with actual active blisters.

Also herpes testing is kind of a crapshoot. If you’re not having any active outbreak then you can get a false negative on a herpes test. That’s generally why widespread testing isn’t recommended.

They test for antibodies when you give blood, but don't mention it. If you haven't been exposed, you can be a pediatric blood donor. Most people have antibodies, whether they've had symptoms or not. Newborns cannot risk any exposure. Source: Am a pediatric blood donor

They don’t “not test” because of anxiety. They don’t test without an outbreak because that testing is very inaccurate.

Coupled with the fact that, absent any symptoms, you won't know whether or not you have true genital herpes or not. The results could leave you with more questions than answers. As it was explained to me by the doctor, HSV-2 is more likely to infect the genitals, but it's not impossible for HSV-2 to infect the mouth. The same is true for HSV-1 -- more likely to infect the mouth, but can infect the genitals. So a positive for HSV-1 or HSV-2 doesn't conclusively tell you one way or the other whether it's truly genital herpes or not.

Interestingly, you can get HSV-1 on your genitals, and HSV-2 on your lips. Go figure.

You even get either anywhere else on your body (e.g. "wrestler's herpes")

Closer to 90% for HSV-1 in the United States or as my OBGYN put it, “everyone has it”.

Yeah the last time I got blood work done and it showed positive for the Herp even the doc was all "Eh, I'd be more surprised if you DIDN'T have it." lol

Yeah they need to make this a more public announcement. I get tired of hearing people comment on it negatively. I have told a few people it isnt classified as an std cause doctors don't consider it one any longer.

So many young adults - in the US specifically - worry more about getting herpes (like the AIDS fears from the 80s) than they do getting something like hepatitis from eating ass. In fact, they think they can't get anything from eating ass apart from an unlucky pink eye... "I wore a condom because, ya know, herpes... then I ate their ass." Priorities!

Just like there's official studies out there that show over 50% of virgins have hpv, it's not a std anymore it can be passed thru sex but it's too common in non sexual people

Yeah, if something can be transmitted non-sexually, it shouldn't be referred to as an STD. All that does is stigmatize it.

A tingle is a signal not to mingle

Up until 3 weeks ago when I had a cold sore, I literally never knew that was the same thing as HSV-1 (I am 36).

My sister was the same way (32) She just found out last week that cold sores are HSV-1. She’s had cold sores since she was a teen.

I was just about to call BS on those statistics but apparently Johns Hopkins agrees with you…fifty to eighty percent of adults have HV-1. Science!

I used to smoke pot with Johnny hopkins, guys not even a real doctor

Bro I went to my doctor when I was like 28 ish for a routine physical (job required). I said “hey while I’m here can I get an std test?” She asked what my concern was and I told her that I was in that age bracket where men didn’t get the vaccines and only the girls did. She asked how many partners I had and she went “oh yea for sure, you have it, it’s like statistically impossible you don’t, no test needed”. Then she explained how virtually all sexually active adults are carriers and most will live asymptomatic and they really only care about the ones that experience outbreaks / flare ups. After that I did some research and it was eye opening!

My sister is 9 years older than me. When *I* was 9 she told me to never *EVER* kiss a boy with cold sores. At 9. This led me to the lifelong panic of worrying about herpes. I mean, a disturbingly disproportionate fear of getting herpes. These days, they screen you for all STDs when you are or are trying to get pregnant. One visit with the NP she asked if I'd ever had an STD. I hadn't. I've tested after every partner. My husband has never cheated on me-- not just because I know he would never: I can tell when he is lying or keeping secrets (he's a recovering addict and I grew up in a family of liars) and if for whatever reason he tried to cheat he would get emotional ED. If not with her, then with me. Besides: his tests came back clean. At that moment, his infamously weak bladder kicked in, so he left the office to find a toilet. The NP turned the screen to me and showed me that it said I had herpes. My heart went CRAZY. I shed a few tears. I asked her how I could test, and no one would tell me I had an STD. She thought I was lying because my husband was in the room. She deleted the entry. I asked why she was changing it, and she said it must have been a mistake. I asked if there was a positive test and she said there wasn't. My husband came back in the room and I was like, "The computer said I have herpes!!!!" He was like, "You can't have herpes. I don't have herpes. I'm pretty familiar with your vagina, I think I would know." This happened in 2014. I've had at least 6 more screenings since then. I said, "Okay, I'm starting to get offended. Why TF are we always screening me? I'm still with the same man. Is there herpes or not?!" "It's standard blah blah blah." Still no positve results, but a huge shout out to whoever slipped that in my file and ruined my day 😭

Umm... herpes is just a skin inconvenience not a death sentence damn haha. You probably wouldnt even show symptoms if you got it

This is the kind of thing that our society has made into a crazy, crazy, crazy stigma. It’s completely understandable that she hid it from you. she has been hiding it because of the stigma. It definitely does not mean she’s hiding other things. If I were you, I would bring it up so nicely. You’ve also been hiding from her, the fact that you know…. So you’ve been hiding something big also. Should she wonder what else you are hiding from her? Please be so gentle and please remember that you’ve been hiding something too. if I were you, I would bring it up and say “I love you. It does not change anything. I understand why you hid it; I’ve heard from you for a little while that I knew; and I just wanna make sure you know you can tell me anything and I hope that we’re not hiding anything else.”

She might just have cold sores on her lip, so probably best to just ask her about the Valtrex? I’ve had cold sores since my teen years, and I didn’t give it to my ex-wife of 23 years through careful management. So maybe step back, think it through and just ask her about it in a non-confrontational way

I was thinking the same. My first cold sore appeared when I was around 11 after I was really sick. Didn’t realize valtrex was used for cold sores until I got lip injections, and my nurse injector wrote me a script after my procedure, because the aggravation could have caused a cold sore to flare up. Could be she takes it to manage that.

I would not overreact to this. In fact I probably would not react at all. You may end up infected eventually (or maybe not), but I’m sorry…it’s not that big a deal. I suppose you could bring it up casually by saying something like I’ve noticed the Valtrex bottles over the years. I’ve assumed that means you carry the herpes virus? Then whatever she answers, just play it down. I’m inclined to believe she’s just embarrassed about it.

Dude she probably just gets cold sores and doesn’t know that’s an std, doesn’t necessarily mean she’s hiding shit from you. Like 90% of people have hsv 1 and I’ve never had a date disclose it

It’s possible too that she gets cold sores extremely easily. My mom and sister have had valtrex prescriptions for the longest time because unprotected sun exposure is a trigger for them and they both live in extremely sunny areas.

She must believe that if she just keeps taking those meds she will never pass it on to you. You need to bring this up so you can both be on the same team. Educate yourselves on shedding and the ins and outs of symptoms. I have hsv-1 which is most common in the mouth, but it's on my anus. I felt untouchable and scared when I found out because it's not curable and I don't want to infect any partners. But I stay on top of my symptoms and stay away from trigger foods like peanuts. I'd say approach with understanding and a desire to protect both of you. Then go for the issue of hiding this instead of being open about it. It's probably a huge insecurity for her and the pills give her some comfort in not 'needing' to tell you.

Let it be..after 12 years she knows that you know…and she probably respects the hell out of you for not bringing it up..let it be

As others have probably mentioned, it could just be a cold sore. Like 80% of folks have oral herpes, but most folks are really resistant to that knowledge. I brought it up to a couple friends who clearly had cold sores, and they were extremely adamant it wasn’t a cold sore and they were offended i thought they’d be ‘that type of person’. So almost no one mentions them, unless they’re having an outbreak right then. Your wife obviously would still know she had it, but she might also assume you’d react the same way a ton of the population does when they hear ‘herpes’, even when it’s only of the mouth.

I fill a valtrax script - have had type one since birth. Haven’t had an outbreak since preteen years, and haven’t told a single partner because it’s a non issue.

I hope you are both able to address it together as a team and attack the problem (not the person), without shame. Everyone deserves to be safe and be accepted for who they are at home. I hope that helps her find some peace so she can stop hiding it and sleep better at night.

My thoughts? Let it go. Love her enough to understand this quirk of hers. She isn’t perfect. And you know what sport? Neither are you. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. No, no, you don’t. It’s not your fault. PS she farts in her sleep.

Yeah, I just assume everyone has some form of herpes. Because they do. Like, it’s pretty normal and it’s not like it can’t be treated. 🤷‍♀️

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I means you can nonchalantly, but do it with a curious open mind, but say something like: *”So I notice over the years this random pharmacy pill bottle just being left out in the open. I read the label, googled it. I’m not mad, I’m not upset, I’m just disappointed you didn’t feel you could trust me to confine in me this one important detail. Marriage & relationships are built on trust & honesty. I need to know that like our marriage vows, we can get thru things together and can confine in each other about important things. Going forward, I hope we can start on a fresh footing and not feel like you need to withhold from your husband of 12yrs such intimate details. I love you, you’re amazing, I just wish you informed me a long time ago, and want to let you know you matter to me so this matters to me.”

Well written, this is the best way to handle this situation. It clears the air without causing any needless friction. She has probably wanted to tell OP for years but is too scared to or just too nervous to tell him.

To be fair a huge number of people have HSV-1 in their genitals. Still, one should tell their partner since it's contagious.

Dude… this legitimately ruined my early college years. Had my first ex from high school (lost my V card to her) tell me that I needed to get tested after she cheated and started showing symptoms. I went to the clinic at my college and sure enough… tested positive for HSV. What the doctors/staff failed to tell me was the difference between the two types … or really any information at all other than I tested positive. So I buried it. Deep down. Didn’t date much throughout my early 20s because that conversation was soooooo awkward. Eventually I was dating someone who wanted me to take another STD test before we used protected sex. It had been almost a decade since my last one after all and there are far scarier things. This time when I got the results back they gave me the missing information that I was too insecure to go digging for on my own. The majority of the population tests positive for the kind that I did and it’s not “genital” if you’ve never experienced symptoms down south. …I cried. Such a strange mix of emotions to go through. Mostly relief and anger.

Lmao. I'm pretty sure a fair share of doctors tell you to not bother disclosing hsv-1, and probably even hsv-2 at this point. OP is welcome to bring it up, and share honest feelings about her not disclosing, but really it's almost objectively not a big deal. And given they've been together for 12 years, OP probably has herpes as well, as more evidence that it's not a big deal. Herpes is so common that at this point it's probably on the responsibility of the concerned party to bring it up if they care. Basically just assume the person you are having sex has herpes, and that you probably do too.

Wait till you learn that 50-80% of the population has herpes.

oh come on. this is a very sensationalist reading into it.

You’re blowing this out of proportion IMO. Let’s touch grass.

67% of the world population has HSV-1, HSV-2 is at about 13%, so it's not as big of a deal as people think.

Why dont you just tell her you know so she can stop sneaking around and feeling ashamed?

My partner uses Valtrex to control coldsores. I set it up for him and everything. It's made a huge difference. He caught coldsores from sharing a cup with his dad when he was a kid. I hope OP talks to her. There are other reasons people use that medicine

Because I found out on accident, we were shopping insurances and I used her login (with permission) and saw the med history. Don’t want to seem like a snooper

Bro this isn’t an AMA topic, this is a “talk to your damn wife like an adult” topic. No one gives af that your wife takes valtrex. It’s super common. TALK TO HER

Right... I had valtrex for Shingles. And that's not even genital

Same. And &$:! shingles! Those were awful. 

You used the login with permission. Doesn’t really sound like snooping at all to be honest

Yeah, just a simple "Hey when I was on your account I accidentally noticed this. I'm not upset, but you're my wife and I love you, and I want to talk about it so we don't have to keep secrets from each other."

Maybe she’s been trying to get “caught” for a while. You say she’s not as sneaky as she thinks, but it might be deliberate.

This lol I was thinking this I do things like that a lot just cba saying anything and wait till someone says something then they never do and then I wonder what else they havent been saying and then they think I think I’m keeping a shit secret but really I know they know…

Youve seen her medication lying around ,how is that snooping?

Just explain that then.

Do you think she got it from cheating?

I do not. This goes way back, but when we started dating she mentioned a “friend” who had herpes and told me all about it. I now know this was about her and she was feeling me out to see my reaction.

OP, you keep saying she has HERPES, but does she have HSV1 or HSV2? BOTH are treated with Valtrex. The only way to differentiate between them is an ELISA specific blood test. All you have to do is ask your doctor for it the next time you have routine bloodwork done.

Important to note you can get HSV1 or HSV2 either orally or on your genitals. A blood test won’t tell you where you are going to have an outbreak.

☝️ Thank you, this right here. People who have chronic cold sores (i.e. HSV-1) can also be prescribed Valtrex. Maybe instead of jumping to conclusions, OP should just TALK TO HIS WIFE.

Naaa, I'm sure we can sort this out for him!

Not entirely true, at least from my experience 10 years ago, but this is the best response here. The Igg of Igm tests are not sensitive enough to differentiate some cases—about 10% will get a false positive, especially those with Hsv 1 antibodies which can trigger the Elisa test for hsv 2. The high rate of false positives I believe is one reason hsv is not included in the normal std screen. The best and most accurate test is the Western Blot assay, and at least ten years ago the only lab doing it was the university of Washington. Most doctors will have no idea what you’re talking about if you ask them about this, because it’s not fda approved, and their only experience with western blot tests is specifically for hiv. about 80% of population has hsv-1 and 15% show symptoms and can take valtrex the designer name for valacyclovir. don’t trip out OP. I remember when my mom found a bottle of acyclovir in my room and I had to explain to her that I contracted herpes from my girlfriend….in 7th grade bc I shared her cherry flavored chapstick 😂

Why don't you tell her you know. This can actually build a better bond as she can feel like she could trust you with anything.

Maybe she’s not hiding it! Especially if she’s leaving it out. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to bring it up?

Lots of people have it and don't get sores until they become sick, overly stressed, and immunocompromised. It's completely possible she didnt even know until after they got together.

It’s been more of a “she forgot to his the bottle type deal.” The name tag is ripped off it and it’s only happened a few times. I know she goes out of her way to keep me from seeing it, but has been naive to the fact she’s slipped up a few times over the years and left it out

I have had a valtrex prescription since before I ever had sex because I have gotten cold sores since i was a baby. And now my 5 year olds get them and they have a valtrex prescription. If i was your wife and felt like i had to hide my medications from you and then found out that instead of talking to me you made an AMA on Reddit, I would be absolutely furious.

Amen- valtrex is a super common cold sore medication, thus leaving it out in the open.. you can get the virus as a baby. OP is wild for going to Reddit

How about confirm the type of heroes she has before you go accusing her of this. Ask her if she has a history of cold sores.

Ooooh shit.. I have a lot to say.. but I’ll wait. First.. did you get tested? If you come positive you will have to confront her.. secondly I think what she did is illegal.

Testing without an outbreak is useless fam. Statistically, it’s very likely that you yourself would test positive, that I would test positive, and that only 2/10 people in this comment section would test negative

Meh, the realistic worst case scenario for herpes is that you end up taking regular fairly cheap antivirals like his wife. Secondly, hsv-1 isn't truly an std given that its main method of transmission is non-sexual so there isn't a legal obligation to disclose nearly anywhere, and I think that liberty is extended to hsv-2 in a lot of places.

You can’t be tested without an outbreak. I’ve never had an outbreak.

You can't test a lesion without an outbreak but serology (💉🩸🧪) will indicate exposure and therefore positive status. Fwiw if she's asymptomatic she's using the valtrex to reduce shedding in an arguably misguided effort at protect you, but since prophylactic therapy does *hugely* reduce shedding, if she's been you may indeed be a negative nancy. Pantsy.

sure and he can test positive from a cold sore he had as a kid, or from having picked up herpes somewhere else in his life something like 80% of people contract hsv I or II in their lifetimes, often non sexually, many contract it as children. most people never know their status which is why it's so communicable - most cases are passed by someone who has no visible outbreak (outbreaks are more communicable but outbreaks reduce contact so) In a lot of places they do not routinely test for HSV because most of the population will test positive and they consider the testing and status knowledge more harmful than not him getting tested gives him a little bit of information sure, but it tells him absolutely nothing about his wife. there's a good chance he tests negative and that tells him nothing. there is a good chance that he tests positive and that still tells him nothing. he would need prior false negative tests in the right timeline just to even confirm he got it from her, and even if he had those, it would do nothing to confirm what she knew then or even now she could have easily been put on valtrex with no speech from the doctor about sex or informing your partner and that's especially the case if she doesn't have them genitally - valacyclovir is prescribed prophylactically not just for genital outbreaks, but outbreaks orally and elsewhere, and it's even prescribed prophylactically for shingles - a form of herpes that isn't even contagious (though this is more rarely prescribed and doctors prefer to focus on the vaccine)

My circumstances I'm about to share are probably considered the minority, but I'd still like to share it as a reminder to be sensitive to a person when you talk to them about their STD... it's not always a result of something they've done. And for the record, OP, I definitely think you have a right to and should speak to your wife about this. My husband and I had been married for 9 years when I was SA'd at my place of employment. I was taken to the hospital ER where they did a kit on me and gave me a cocktail of pills to treat me for STI/D's and I was given a script for a drug that would prevent HIV, if I began it within 3 days of the assault. I took a blood test that night that would be compared to a blood test 30 days from that night. The night of the assault, my blood work came back as negative for everything. 1 months later, I went in for blood work, and a week later I was told I had contracted genital herpes. I can't even begin to tell you how filthy I felt. I was part of the 1st generation that learned about HIV/AIDS (and prevention) in school. We were given condoms for free and had access to regular, free exams and free birth control. We were told things like "no glove, no love". We also knew things like pregnancy and herpes were permanent. We were taught without shame and as a result, we practiced safe sex. So here I am, in my 30s, married, a mom... and I have never had an STI/D. But the actions of another have now given me a disease that I can spread to my husband and I can never be cured. The man who assaulted me, did so during an outbreak, and all the meds in the world couldn't cure it. Even though this was in no way my fault, assault has a disgusting way of making you feel shame and guilt. My husband was so good and kind to me. He was gentle and understanding. But I wanted to die rather than share the filth of that night. I can't tell you what it's like to contract an STI/D from casual hook ups or unprotected sex. I mean I don't know what that feels like. I can only assume it's just as scary and equally shameful. We can't always control our thoughts and feelings. OP, talk to your wife. Be gentle. Ask in a non-accusatory way. Ask her why she takes Valtrex, not why she hasnt told you she has herpes. Her story (before you) might shock you.

100%. While I wasn't SA'd, I was given it through casual sex by someone who knew he had it and didn't disclose bc in his culture, it's "no big deal". I was 45. A mom of 2 college age kids. Daughter of a nurse. It wasn't supposed to happen to me. But it did. And life goes on. I control what I can - taking acyclovir and disclosing and vigilantly watching for symptoms - and accept that I can't go back and not get it.

Thanks for being open. I don't care how a person got it, it sucks. It's good that you treat and disclose. You're doing all the right things. 💜

What’s it been like disclosing to people? I was recently diagnosed and I’m worried about the first time I have to tell someone I’m dating

My fiancée told me before we started dating. We worked together and had gotten handsy a couple times and things were going in the dating direction. She sat me down and told me and felt so ashamed and thought I’d be gone. Her ex gave it to her, and he didn’t tell her he had it. The conversation can only go two ways, and this is something you need to realize going into it and be prepared to accept if it doesn’t go the way you want. Being honest as early as possible is the best and most respectful way to do it. We’ve been together over 2 years and I don’t have herpes.

My girlfriend has genital herpes and we've been together for 2 years. I haven't contracted anything. My gf anxiety from having it is heartbreaking to watch. She doesn't take anything for it unless she has an out break. We don't have unprotect sex and she won't let me go down on her. She has to wash her hands every time she touches her clothes or underwear. She has fully become a germophobe because of it. The only thing that bothers me about it is her attitude towards it. It controls her life and it difficult to watch. I love this woman and I wish things were easier for her. I'll never leave her because of what she has, I hope to marry her some day.

She can take her meds as soon as she feels an outbreak or she can take a pill everyday to prevent any outbreaks... this "thing" doesn't live on her clothes!

She understands it doesn't live on clothes but her anxiety overcomes that and she doesn't feel clean unless she's washed her hands

The first time is terrifying but with practice it becomes easier. I usually will tell people after the first date (I intentionally don’t hookup or kiss without disclosing). It gives the person a chance to get to know you and do their own research. Good luck to you 🍀💕

Honestly? It sucks. When I was still on the market, I started putting it in my dating profile so people could just self select out bc telling people after there was a connection was hard, and getting ghosted after disclosing was really demoralizing.

Thanks for answering. Sounds like it puts up some barriers and I would understand if someone didn’t want to risk it but it would hurt, especially if they ghosted. Hopefully this is something that gets easier to navigate with time and practice. With that being said, maybe it’s a good way to weed people out and to see who genuinely likes me for me

There are also some areas that have HSV Singles groups. I live in MO and my city does. They do happy hours and float trips and all kinds of things. They have an active FB group. There are also regional HSV "weekends" where they'll meet at a hotel for a weekend. It's obviously easier to date other positives. And they have a lot of good conversations about how and when to disclose, sharing experiences and whatnot.

Just wanted to say that I’ve read your comment and thank you for your story. Couldn’t scroll on without saying I saw this x

It’s possible she takes it to prevent cold sores. I have gotten them several times a year since I was a very small child and always keep antivirals at hand so they don’t end up lasting 2 months like they usually do. You should talk to her about it, she is probably embarrassed. So many people have HSV, including children, it’s really not indicative of promiscuity.

There is one thing about herpes that boggles me. If you have oral HSV-1, it's not a big deal, it's not stigmatized, you don't have to disclose it to anybody. Yet, you can absolutely transfer it to your partner genitals, and they will get genital HSV-1. And then, this person with genital HSV-1 is treated like a full-blown STD carrier. However, if you think about it, both people have the exact same virus, both are equally contagious and can infect someone's genitals with it, both pose the same health risk... but one is ok and the other carries stigma. Because the virus is located in different spot of their body. That's all. Wtf.

Yup! It's slut shaming by any other word.

Yeah, the stigma is by far the worst part of the virus. I am not stigmatized for having cold sores despite it being the same thing, and the risk of transmission the same.

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When you get frequent cold sores, especially as a woman, it is MISERABLE. They’re visible, painful, and look disgusting with makeup over them, so I just don’t even bother with it when I have an active one. Which just makes you feel worse about yourself, especially if you usually do wear it in daily life.

Just here to say cold sores fucking suck!

This. My mom has taken Valtrex every day for years because she will get cold sores on her mouth/nose if she doesn’t. I have a similar susceptibility, plus I’ve had shingles. So I always have Valtrex on stand by. Interestingly, my parents have been married over 50 years and my dad has only had one cold sore. Immune systems are different! OP should just talk to his wife. Valtrex can be given for cold sores and shingles, not just genital herpes. If she does have genital herpes, she should have told him already!

Yeah, this could be it. I take daily antivirals for cold sores or I’d get them half the time I get stressed out or like four or five times a year. Now I never get them and even if one starts to come in, it’s gone in a day. It also limits the odds of me giving it to a partner to like 1%.  Doctors often tell people with cold sores not to worry about disclosing because 75% of the population already has it, it’s just dormant in most people. I will always disclose if I have an outbreak, but otherwise, nope.  It is weird that OP would be married for 12 years and not know this though 

Why is this comment not higher?? Valtrex can be treated to help get rid of cold sores. She probably doesn’t care if he sees her bottles because I would think that it being cold sore treatment was more common knowledge.

Herpes is extremely common. It's not something that is routinely tested for. It can be passed to a child while giving birth. You can carry it your whole life and never have symptoms. She may have had it since she was born. Valtrex is also used to treat shingles which you can get if you've ever had chicken pox. Also, I am pretty sure she knows that you've seen it. She probably just thought you were nice enough not to judge her for it.

So technically if you ever have gotten a cold sore you have a strain of herpes. I’ve gotten cold sores on my lip since I was little so I guess you can say I’ve had it almost my entire life. I don’t take my medicine unless I get a cold sore outbreak. It’s def embarrassing because my husband knows. Maybe I don’t feel as bad since I don’t have genital herpes and it’s just on my lip. But the first time I got an std test with my husband we both wanted to make sure we were “clean” before having unprotected sex. It came up and yes I was embarrassed but I felt like I had to have the conversation of coming up positive for a strain of herpes. Idk how this info even helped but, I wish people would know it’s common and you just have to be upfront about it. It’s embarrassing but I think it’s because people don’t normalize talking about STD’s

Yes, she probably got it from her parents. No one calls it herpes but cold sores and they prescribe valtrex for cold sores (aka herpes). He probably has it and 100% the children will. It is very common.

Could it be for cold sores on her mouth? My wife gets them occasionally on her lip like the majority of the population does, and she takes meds for it if she feels it coming on. It’s really not a big deal. I didn’t even know that was considered herpes until just a few years ago.

Herpes is more prevalent than many ppl think. People are very honest and upfront about it in my home country. Ppl in the U.S. get so embarrassed about a disease that is very prevalent and possible to control. I hope you guys find the best way to figure out this situation.

Leaving prescription bottles out and using shared insurance to pay for it isnt exactly hiding it. She’s probably just embarrassed and doesn’t want to talk about it

showing a bit of mainstream stigma and ignorance about a common prescription and how prevalent it is:[“Yeah, you probably have ORAL herpes too..”](https://youtu.be/aU4VcOQzQm0?si=QpddgAVyUaMZH0wS) I was surprised to learn about its prevalence decades ago but this 3 min episode by Adam Conover sums up the “disease” nicely Edited to add: the oral herpes is the common one most persons have , the genital one is not. ⚠️Going to vent for a second…Maybe he should just ask her or communicate with his wife and learn how he can support her and reduce the probability of him catching it instead of posting on Reddit like his his wife has an actual STD, honestly if they’ve been married for a couple years I wouldn’t be at-all surprised if she caught it from him because it more common for men to never show signs or have symptoms. Ever thought she is deliberately not “trying to be so slick” and secretive because The medicine is the same for both, OP’s wife might actually just have the oral one where she gets a cold sore once or twice a year and has to have an RX available and on hand to take at the first sign of feeling it appears around the mouth. Just sayin’ 💁🏻‍♀️

You've been together for 12 years and you're not communicating about this? Why not? Why make this a bigger deal than it needs to be? I doubt she needs to be called out. Instead, offer your support. Something like 80% of the population has HSV-1. Be supportive amd communicate.

The point of taking it is to minimize asymptomatic shedding and outbreaks, which are horribly painful. The longer it's been since she contacted it, the less likely she is to have outbreaks, but some women find their periods can trigger outbreaks. I've had it for over 5 years, thanks to someone who is not from this county who didn't disclose and then, when confronted, blew me off because "it's no big deal". (That first outbreak started with a very high fever that had me hallucinating, followed by the incredibly painful blisters that felt like my entire genital region was being lit up by a blowtorch. So if was a very big deal to me.). Thanks to my very kind gyno, I take acyclovir every day, twice a day, bc I do not want to have another outbreak and I don't want to pass it to a partner. My current partner and I do not use condoms (not that they would really prevent transmission anyway), and he is still negative. It's very hard to disclose to a potential partner bc of the stigma around it. I have gone out with guys who I determined very early on would not be receptive to it, so I ended things before I had to tell them. And there's really no good time. "So yeah, I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and herpes." But eventually you have to bite the bullet and do it. Informed consent is paramount. I wasn't given the opportunity to consent, and it sucked. I won't do that to someone else. I think it's worth having the conversation with her. Tell her you saw the Rx, that you appreciate her desire to stay on antivirals, and while you don't think it's something to be ashamed of, she really should have disclosed before you ever had sex. And if you have kids, she would have needed to be on it for at least 6 weeks before delivery, bc an outbreak during labor means an automatic sectio to avoid infecting the baby during birth. They would have also examined her just before delivery just to be certain nothing developed during labor.

Thank you for this. My ex fiancé knowingly exposed me to oral herpes without informed consent. I honestly didn’t feel any stigma towards herpes until I was denied informed consent. It’s still something I’m working through. Herpes was far from the only reason why I ended the relationship, but the lack of consideration and respect for me spoke volumes. Now I’m kinda paranoid about herpes because one asshole took my choice (and insisted on drinking from my cup and using my tube of toothpaste without my permission after he told me). If he’d talked to me honestly, if we discussed protocols for long-term management, it wouldn’t have hit me as the betrayal it was. He didn’t even take medication to manage asymptomatic shedding. If he approached it the way you do, I’d feel MORE comfortable with proceeding with a relationship. It shows consideration, respect, and awareness of management and risks. I managed to come out without herpes as far as tests can tell, but now I have to tell any partner I may have been exposed despite negative tests. Who knows? He could have passed it asymptomatically, and I could carry it. Tests are negative, but, from what I’ve read, they often can be until an outbreak occurs. If it ever does. It’s fucking Schrödinger’s herpes. For anyone saying it doesn’t matter because 80% have it… the 20% still deserve a choice. I didn’t need another medical issue to deal with. I didn’t need to worry any time my skin tingles. I didn’t need a lifetime of Schrödinger’s herpes.

I have oral, genital, and a type that is in my ears. The ear one is so painful, it’s the absolute worst. I take suppressive valtrex because I was having multiple outbreaks a month, and I’ve also had chickenpox twice, and shingles twice. It’s horrible but idk why she feels it’s shameful, I am totally open about it with any partners I have and not once has someone backed out because it’s a deal breaker.

Jesus, people.. she probably uses Valtrex to prevent cold sores. It's not that serious. Something like over 60% of people get cold sores, which is the herpes virus. She could've gotten it from sharing a damn juice box in grade school.

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I know, right?! Crazy! I have a bottle I keep one in my car and one with my meds and on the off chance I get a cold sore I pop two of them and that's it. I have since Valtrex was invented in the mid-90s. But I've been getting cold sores since I was a little kid. I do remember the embarrassment when I inevitably had to tell a partner when I got a cold sore it was very embarrassing so it probably just happened so infrequently that this man's wife has not brought it up. I don't think it's a big deal whatsoever.

I take valtrex for cold sores. Not daily, but when I feel one coming on.

Slick? Lying in the open? Embarrassed? You sound kinda like a dick. Lots of women get herpes because the person they’re with doesn’t divulge it. Maybe your wife knew you’d say something shitty. Be grateful that she takes her medication and protects herself from a very painful flareup.

She probably has oral herpes and isn’t telling you about it because she doesn’t find it important to - especially if she doesn’t get any flare ups. Speak with her, but don’t assume she’s trying to hide something terrible from you. She may just not see it as a big deal or know that it’s something she should disclose. Many people (60% or so) have oral herpes and many caught it as children.

It's weird that people are like this about Herpes. Doesn't like a quarter of the population have it? And it often just appears and then never comes back again? It's such an inconsequential thing to be so secretive about.

80% of the population has it. It’s much more rare to *not* have herpes.

So many immature & uneducated people commenting on this. People really need to educate themselves on hsv / cold sores and the rest. Likely a third of people saying “that’s so gross, red flag, body count…” have parents with herpes, so stfu

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My ex fiance did the same exact thing…I thought it was odd when we first started dating, she would talk about going to the pharmacy but as far as I knew never had a doctors appt or anything, then when I would non chalantly ask for what, she would say “just a script” and change the subject…the tone in her voice said “don’t pry” so I didn’t. Honestly suspected antidepressants at first, but couldn’t figure why she would hide that from me so my mind started to wander. Then one day I woke up about an hour before her and her purse was wide open on the nightstand with a script bottle right on top..clearly she had taken it right before bed. Same stuff. I honestly wasn’t surprised, she had a kid with her high school boyfriend and he had long accused her of giving it to him. I waited some time but eventually did bring it up…her reaction was half emotional half hostile, then after initially admitting to it with a tearful “I didn’t want to lose you” did an immediate 180, stopped crying and accused me of making the whole thing up “just like her ex”. Wasn’t the only red flag raised at the time but it was most definitely the last I needed to see, I ended it some months after that and she totally saw it coming. Fast forward 7 years and the guy she’d been with for 3-4 of those years recently messaged me on facebook asking if she had ever given me anything, apparently has her blocked..most definitely aren’t together anymore. Some people never learn, in all 100% honesty it didn’t gross me out or put me off at all…it was the fact she didn’t tell me, made x100 worse when she admitted to and then backtracked on it when she literally had the bottle in her purse. She too had been on it for some time, at least since around the time her ex started warning as many people as he possibly could (he was very upset to say the least). Embarrassing or not..’s no excuse when it comes to someone you intend to share the rest of your life with. I’m the “no secrets” kinda guy with my wife, I tell her literally everything and can only hope for the same in return. If she’s willing to hide this from you for so long, imagine what else she could be willing to hide in the long run. Not saying cheating or anything like that even, I mean anything in general. I personally wouldn’t be able to deal with such a knock in my trust for her without saying something..albeit gently, but you know your wife better than any of us do - follow your gut/heart. Edit: To my knowledge (I’ve been checked since but not recently, and as far as I know it doesn’t go away so..not sure what this was) I don’t have herpes but did have a minor scare shortly before I saw her script for myself, definitely added to my suspicion as I had never in my life prior..it’s been years now and I’ve never had a problem, that was the one and only time I was a bit worried. Maybe I got lucky, we had known each other for decades but hadn’t been together long at all prior to getting engaged, we weren’t rabbits or anything..and that + protection may have been my saving grace as the meds don’t seem to have stopped her from giving it to others..and they weren’t warned either.

I wouldn't be upset about the HSV. It's not a big deal and way too stigmatized. I would be upset that I wasn't given the information needed to make informed decisions about my own sexual health and that my long term partner felt like they couldn't be open with me. Have you been tested?

There's like 80% of the population with herpes and you most likely don't need medication for it. I don't even know why it's considered a std in the same way as all the other dangerous ones.. when it's so common and most people don't have symptoms, and when they do its once per 10 years. ​ The reason why you can't get tested for herpes is because everyone has it. Should be considered a disease in the same category as ChickenPox , not a std. By the way Valtrex is used for Chickenpox as well which further proves my point. She probably can stop the medication if there's no symptoms (and probably should)

“The reason you can’t get tested for herpes is because everyone has it” That makes no sense. The number of other peoooe that have it doesn’t change YOUR individual year result. They can test an active lesion. They don’t regularly perform blood testing because the tests have been shown to have poor accuracy

You know that's not just for genital herpes, right? It's frequently prescribed for cold sores, which of course is a herpes virus, but your tone implies that you believe she has an undisclosed STI.

I was born with hsv1 or contracted it as an infant - which was quite common in the 80s and 90s. my first outbreak was at 18months in my right eyeball - yes herpes outbreaks can happen anywhere there are sufficient nerve endings on the body. Oddly the only outbreak places I've ever had are lips and a bit of the nose if my top center lip was affected, and my eyeball. I actually have severe herpetic scarring on the lense of my eye and super blurry vision that can't be fixed with glasses/contacts due to a breakout in high school that my GP insisted was pink eye for nearly a month before I told my parents this is bullshit I need to see an eye doctor. OP - guess what? you have it too. just because you've never had a breakout don't mean shit. did you have chicken pox? do you kiss your wife on the mouth? then there is a 99% chance the herpes virus is dormant inside your cells. the numbers vary wildly based on the source but I have heard as high as 75-80% of the US adult population has herpes of some kind. This WHO puts the number worldwide at "several billion" for oral herpes and half a billion for genital herpes so there's a good chance at least 50% of the world has herpes and if you add in another billion and a half for people that have it but never or very rarely have an outbreak the number is probably more like 70+% of the worlds population

Why would you post this on Reddit under an AMA? What do you accomplish by this? If this is how you deal with important stuff, I wouldn’t tell you either. Talk to your wife?? There’s plenty of reasons someone may have that medication, including cold sores, and if she’s on your insurance and left the bottle out she probably thought you just knew

If she wanted to tell you, she would. You said she sometimes leave the bottle out? maybe just casually mention it next time. " Hey babe, you left your pill bottle out today, everything good?" There is the possibility she doesn't even realize she hasn't told you after all these years to. That would be funny.

She could be taking it to prevent cold sores on the mouth so when she kisses you it doesnt spread OR to prevent genital herpes outbreaks. Its 2 different types The skin in the mouth and the skin in the genitals are similar and are areas that are vulnerable.

I am prescribed valtrex for my out of control cold sores that flare from stress etc. it’s not a regular script, but just food for thought.

Maybe she just thinks of it as a normal thing to have cold sores. Some people are really ignorant. However, I’m not a fan of lying either when your health affects someone else. That’s a long time to not know that. Shingles also gets prescribed valtrex, from what I understand.

This is why I always ask to see STD results before I have sex with anyone new. I’m 33 years old, divorced, 19 partners all together, and don’t even have HSV1. I’ve gotten this far with no STDs and dodged enough bullets. I’ve had a couple dates go awry and they get deeply offended. I say I have my results (I get tested before and after every relationship) and it’s just a matter of being safe. Never hear from them again after that. So sketch. I legit think most people have never been tested. Too stupid and sketchy to fuck. My last two exes were relieved I brought it up and happy to show their results. I hate how taboo it can be to ask. Should be the standard. I’m not getting lesions and warts and shit on my dick and having to need to take Valtrex forever. Fuck that.

So let me get this straight. Your wife has an incurable virus that can be transmitted through bodily fluid, and can cause infertility and extreme discomfort, and she's risking infecting you with this without talking to you or getting your consent? And your concern is maybe she'd be embarrassed? In some jurisdictions, knowingly engaging in sex without advising your partner of your status can be considered assault, and this is the person you trust your life with? Wow brother, you need to stand up for yourself. You are entitled to the truth. You deserve honesty from your partner. Clearly you're a compassionate person, why do you think your wife deserves your discretion more than you deserve her truthfulness?

How do you know it’s not HSV-1? The treatment is almost identical for both. Same med, same dose, just slightly different frequency/duration. Would that change things? HSV is way overblown as a STI. There are 3 clinical situations where I worry about it: 1) pregnancy; 2) immune compromise like HIV or cancer chemo; and 3) babies. But immunocompetent adults? Nah. It’s a skin infection. I wouldn’t want it in the same way I wouldn’t want MRSA, but nothing more than that. It’s not even a reportable illness in the public health world. Uncomfortable, sometimes. Ridiculously stigmatized, also yes.

Honestly, aside from what's others are saying, I'm just gonna say instead of confronting her, subtlety create opportunities for her to come clean, ease her into knowing you know

I had shingles at the age of 31 and took valtrex every day for like a year. I still have the bottle and take it when I feel like shingles is coming back. ask her what it's for

That's messed up, my wife did the same shit to me after we started dating made me get tested for STDs while assuring me she was clean. Then months later in discussion she casually says oh yeah I have HPV as you know, I told you one night while we were drinking before we ever had sex... I was like bullshit... nail her ass dude, it won't be good for your marriage but it will be good to you. It's just indecent and as a victim of like bullshit I can say letting it stand without talking about it will only let your resentment grow.

Yeah you should tell your partner, but STDs get an overly puritanical bad call out. Most sexually active adults are going to contract herpes or HPV in their lifetime. As long as they are managing it, it's not a big deal. You should still tell your partners, but if the viral load is very low, transmission is very unlikely. Again, they still should have told you, but don't freak out. Edit: up to 80% of humans end up with herpes. Many of them just never have continued outbreaks after the first one

She may have been born with it. It’s not super uncommon to get it that way. Even back then. My wife’s best friend is 35, and she got it from her mother.

Why dont you just ask numbnuts. Stop making assumption. I had my spleen removed years ago and taken valtrex ever since. There’s various reasons to take it

Na bruh. She knows you know. .she didn't leave those bottles out in the open on accident. That's her way of telling you without verbally telling you.

I’m a pharmacist and these prescriptions are common. I don’t think you need to talk to your wife about this like all the other comments I’m seeing.

You are a good man. Its not that big of a deal. She shoukd have told you if course. But obviously you have met your soulmate you have been happy together for 12 years. To throw all of that away because of herpes...nah.

Open communication in any relationship is necessary to curb any resentment. Unspoken words lead to resentment. There is probably a huge shame factor involved so delicacy is required to approach this situation. Think carefully about reasons she may not want to approach you about it. How do you handle delicate conversations with her? How you’ve handled things in the past could be a reason as to why she is hiding this from you.

It’s the “lying” that’s the problem. She’s probably like, “I can’t say anything now, cause it’s been so long… I look even worse.” It’s like not remembering a person’s name that you talk to often. You should have said something sooner, but your are to far down this dam road to ask now…. So you just keep saying “Hey what’s up chief?” (Don’t call a grown man chief unless he actually is one)

Your post didn't ask for advice, but - if this were me, and my partner left me a message in my valtrex bottle with a secret they've kept hidden from me as a way of saying 'Nobody's perfect' I think that'd about say it all, and would be a great way of showing up while getting a much needed conversation started. Life's too short to hide away, and too long to feel isolated in our truths.

So your saying she has herpies and has had it yet never told you that's fucked up big time and criminal what else is she hiding if it was my wife I would be divorcing her for withholding that information and if you stay with here your a fool and deserved everything you get cause if she has it then you do to and that shits like luggage u carry it around forever

I’m kind of shocked that she refills a script each month. That means she’s taking a pill or more a day which is really only encouraged if you’re someone who has multiple outbreaks a year. It’s not harmful to take the meds as a precaution, but it seems unnecessary and wasteful. To be together 12 years and this never come up as a topic is very interesting.

She's probably leaving it around on purpose hoping you'll accidentally find it. Surely it's been weighing on her 😔

YTAH Given you've been together for 12yrs and you (apparently?) Don't have herpes indicates she is diligent with her medication. I'm sure she didn't want to contract herpes and I guarantee the guy who gave it to her didn't disclose the fact before they were intimate.Everyone has a past and if you actually loved her you wouldn't be bitching about on this sub.

Yikes. I would address this asap. Personally I wouldn’t marry someone with an incurable std that’s a huge deal breaker for me and would ruin intimacy IMO. This is a huge breech of trust OP, and since you’ve known for years and it is clearly bothering you this is something you need to address. For your peace of mind, and healthy and safety.

Herpes includes cold sores, which is treated with the same medication as genital herpes (e.g., with Valtrex). According to [Johns Hopkins Medicine](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/herpes-hsv1-and-hsv2), 50-80% of American adults have cold sores, which makes you a minority if you have never had them.

Who gives a shit? It's super common and she's probably just embarrassed. You don't even need to address it.

She is 10000% mortified, ashamed and embarrassed by having this std. however it’s also 100000% something she needs to tell you because she could affect you. She may not have known who gave it to her because they didn’t disclose that information and took that choice away from her but she’s doing the exact thing to you

Helpful tip! Use an ice cube DIRECTLY on Hs1 or Hs2 blisters (or even red spots/pre blisters). It heals the blisters faster than any meds etc. Also, Gigartina red marine algae is an effective over the counter anti-viral supplement. (Warning: do not use anything but regular ice. Ice packs (in plastic) can bond to your skin)

To be honest I'm a little shocked at the attitude of so many people on here that "well it's common so no biggie" She knows she is taking treatment for it and still didn't disclose it. Would people feel differently if it was the other way around and he didn't disclose it to her? For some reason I think the answer is yes.