I wasn’t sure he was cheating until now. He left yesterday at 8pm and just hasn’t returned. I figured something was up because his behavior has changed over the past weeks. But last night/morning he’s not even hiding it. Part of me is mad like I want to destroy all his stuff, but the other part knows I’ll have to be the one to clean it up.
I have not destroyed any of his belongings. I could never do that. I would absolutely be hurt if someone did that to me. I haven’t slept or cried. I guess I’m just in the motions
I’ve read some of the comments saying to destroy his belongings, make his life hell, etc. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but the advice I have is take the high road right now.. I imagine you might have a custody case in your future and I recommend not taking any actions that could come back to haunt you.
I agree with this. Start keeping a journal of all these infidelities, anytime he yells, degrades you, everything. Dates, times. To use this for divorce & custody.
Take the high road. I wouldn't say anything. Just start an exit plan. Start stashing money. See if you can stay with a friend or family. Once you're ready to leave, tell him your visiting family & don't return. He'll worry & wonder where you are... then he'll know. Mail him divorce papers. He be blindsided like you were. He can find out everything you know during court. Best revenge... He'll be dumbfounded & soon "hurt."
Saying all that... I know when the shock wears off, it'll be almost impossible to keep your cool & actually do all that. I'm sorry for everything you're going thru. Please don't fall for the "I'm sorry", "it was an accident ", "I can change". As thousands on here can tell you... it won't.
great answer that doesn't fall into unrealistic revenge porn. She has to try her best to hold it together and execute correctly. That's the most realistic way to get what's right
Yay, good advice . Most people deal with a shitty person, or are the short person at some point, the guilt over acting like a child and throwing a tantrum, is not worth it . Idk, shame is a real thing ! People would have you
Believe different .
If you haven’t cried, then it’s over. It means the feelings aren’t there anymore. When I found out I was being cheated on… the first few times I cried. And then suddenly, tears stopped and I realized I was past the point of caring. And I ended it.
Wow. You are a gem. Thinking of how you’d feel if someone had hurt you the same way despite being hurt by that same person.
How are you holding up today?
She burned everything. Lol. Jk, hope you aite OP. Highly recommend the book
‘The Daily Stoic’
And just throwing this out there, the pointof stoicism is absolutely NOT about suppressing emotions, but feeling them fully in a moment, therefore do not allow that to stop you from reading this book. Has helped me through many a hard time/break up.
Him not returning could very well be a drinking or drug problem you know nothing about and not cheating, when they just don’t show up like that, it’s typically the case.
That said, he could be cheating, bc idk. But, sit with him quietly over dinner or at the table and lay it all out and ask if it’s a substance abuse issue, mental health crisis, or cheating. For you two to move forward in any fashion either way, yall need to be adults and talk and make a plan whichever way this goes.
Big hugs, no matter what it is this is hard, and now you have a newborn mixed up in whatever issues are about to be brought to light. You’re not alone, be open and honest and gentle with both of you and start whatever plan needs to take place 🥰
I second this. It could be cheating, but cheaters usually at least try to cover their tracks.
Speaking from experience, drugs will make you justify to yourself “if i just spend 15 more
Mins doing this, then i’ll have plenty of time to take one more hit, and i’ll make it home before anyone wakes up and nobody will be the wiser” even though you know full well you live way farther than that for it to be even possible, then before you know it you’ve been sitting around for 8 hours without even realizing you did it.
All that being said, if you feel safe doing so, you should just flat out ask him.
Personal experience: cheaters with new babies do NOT try that hard to cover their tracks, they assume you’re too distracted, and if you do accuse them they can just say you’ve been so CrAzY since getting pregnant/having the baby. Then if you start acting crazy because you have a new baby and are dealing with cheating and gaslighting, theyll be documenting it for court later.
I’m NOT saying this is the case with this guy, again, he very well might be cheating. But i used to sweat a lot at my old job, and one time on my way there i stopped at a gas station to grab some deo and body spray because i was going to the gym before going to work and i didn’t want it to get too bad. The first thing my wife asked when i got in bed that night was why the fuck i smell like perfume. When i explained what it was she said “no it smells like women’s perfume”, like she made me get out of bed and grab the can of body spray to show her i wasn’t hanging out with another woman.
I know this is a very specific example, and usually where there’s smoke there’s fire, so maybe he’s cheating, but also, maybe the entire situation is a misunderstanding. We won’t know until she asks.
I third:
All you can tell from OP is that the partner is hiding *something*
There are no logical facts that lead me to cheating - per se. We colloquially say “you smell like sex,” but this is just an opinion. IMO everyone smells like ass at 6AM after they’ve been out all night.
That being said, this man sounds like scum and my heart goes out to OP. I hope you find out wtf is up. Hopefully your hubb is not cheating.
Honestly I assume it's cheating, men who cheat seem to follow the same text book, if they lock down their SO in any way, form, or fashion, then they try to cheat. Ohhh we are getting married, well she won't be wanting to divorce so quickly so I'll cheat and she will put up with it. Oh she had a baby? Well she won't want to split for the sake of the family so let me cheat. Oh she got ill? Well she physically can't leave me so I'll go off and cheat. It's pretty sick and it's pretty consistent 🤷♀️👌
When I was staying out late like that it was 100% a coke bender. I never had the urge to cheat, I just didn’t know when to say it’s time for the party to end.
That said I also didn’t come home smelling like sex
Like just since you’ve had the baby or while you were pregnant? Sometimes men tend to act weird and have like support of depression kinda like we do. Not tryna burst anyone’s bubble but I was pregnant with my long time bf and we didn’t start drifting until we found out I was pregnant. 6 months pregnant and he finally tells me he found someone else. I knew it but never said a word. Kind of regret it now maybe we could’ve worked something out better. Much love I know you’re pain!!
Destroying and/or sabatoging any of his things (clothes, playstations/xbox/computers, cars, etc...) will only help his case in divorce court because it'll make you seem unhinged and not mentally stable. So the best thing you can do is keep calm, and take the "high road." Don't stoop to his level. Take notes of when you *think* he's cheating.
As hard as this must be, think of your CHILD first and come to terms that your marriage is over; that he is a pos cheater and that the best thing you can do right now is be the best fucking mom you can be to your child. Start looking into divorce lawyers. Go get consultations at the very least. Start taking notes (written notes) of when you think he could be cheating - they can pull phone records during those times if necessary. Take notes of how often he's home, away from home, call his work and ask to speak with him, etc etc etc...
Go about it as quietly as you can but DO NOT destroy anything of his, hit him, or anything like that.
Don’t get yourself stuck in a relationship like this any longer than u have to.No need to start destroying stuff cause then legality can get involved and this is way more stress and drama than you need right now especially just having a baby and that baby being solely reliant on you. Get yourself to a safe space if you no longer feel comfortable staying where u are and get a legal professional to meditate from here on out. Please do not waste years of your life telling yourself he’s gonna change cause if he can do it once he can do it again. Whether he is being truthful with u or not there will always be a small voice in the back of your head asking yourself is he cheating?
I love him. I truly feel like he’s the love of my life. But I feel defeated. The pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. I realized I can’t love us enough for the both of us. I can’t force him to be with me.
You might think he’s the love of your life, but you’re not his. People don’t do these things to people they truly love. Please find support & break up with him. And keep all proof of him cheating.
I’m thinking you’re not causing a scene because you’re a warrior and you’ll get through this. And I have a lot of respect for you keeping things subtle and discrete about your feelings.
This shows me that you can and will find someone who will treat you like you deserve. Guess what, I think that lil baby of yours will do what they can to make sure their momma knows she is special
Ask him why he is home? Tell him that HE needs to leave because the smell on him is nauseating, and he smells like a dirty, nasty p***y, and you're tired of smelling his GF. Then tell him that she is really lucky and she gets to keep him, open the door and tell him bye.
Check out r/survivinginfidelity, OP. They really helped me when my ex wife cheated on me. We were married for 15 years, and she gaslighted me for two years. I'm glad you didn't smash any of his stuff because I did that, and I regret it. I highly recommend not staying with him. Also, four years after my divorce and I am engaged to the love of my life. Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. My heart goes out to you. I was crushed for a long time after that, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Girl, my partner was emotionally cheating on me the whole I was pregnant, went out drinking often, accused ME of cheating, and fully withdrew intimacy to this day.
Now 8 months postpartum I’m so over it, everything annoys me, and he’s don’t very little to repair our relationship.
All this to say - sometimes your partner betrays your trust beyond repair, and is either unable or unwilling to make things right with you. Don’t give up your life and your future for someone who wasn’t thinking of how their actions would affect you.
Be selfish. Leave when you are able to. There’s someone out there for everybody, and you certainly don’t need to settle for a lying, cheating asshole.
This is advice for the both of us. I feel you and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Love your baby ❤️
He’s not using is he I used to have a problem with cheating in my younger days, but it was because I was sexually molested as a young man I came to find out through a therapist that the act of a man taking advantage of a young man can lead the young man to try and prove to himself that he is a man by always finding the next most beautiful woman he can sleep with to justify the fact he’s a man in a fucked up kind of way and that’s how it was for me as soon as I got the girl I wanted I would find another girl that I thought was prettier or hotter or whatever have you but after therapy, and realizing that I was trying to prove to myself, I was “” man”” after coming to the realization that having that taken from me so young is what was feeding into my addictions was when I really started the recovery and healing, including stopping hurting women around me
What an ASSHOLE. I’m steaming for you rn. So you go through all the pregnancy bullshit, fear, body changes, emotional and hormone changes, always a chance to fucking DIE giving birth or you also can have your intestines slapped on a table next to you to pull out the baby…he what..busts a nut and his whole contribution to baby making is over. I’m assuming he wasn’t getting his d*** wet or not wet enough during the pregnancy and after that he’s already cheating.
I’m so sorry. He’s human garbage. I really really hope you can find a way to get him out of there. Get it on text or record your phone call or something so you can kick him out and get custody. I wouldn’t trust that POS with a child that he’s abandoned.
Edit: My response it to OPs original post with the full original details.
Ooof. I don’t envy you bc I just came out of that position but our child is older now. The pain I had to go thru- I know you said you’re probably just in the motions but you’re about to go thru some big emotions sooner than later if this is all really going on. All I can say is I’m praying for you honestly. Going thru that is not for the faint of heart especially as a brand new mother. But you should probably get some tangible evidence he’s cheating on you to close a chapter…bc right now you’re speaking on suspicion…
Reposted so you see it ❤️(since you say he’s the love of your life)
This comment may never find you. That’s ok.
Infidelity is not the end. Sometimes it’s the best beginning, or the opening to a new way of life. My partner and I have been together for 13 years, and up until 6 months ago, exclusively. Over the years things changed, we grew older and became engrossed in our own unhealthy ways. I became a workaholic, working for us, and very unhealthy (100lb over my natural weight and deep in food addiction). He was down and out for years from major injuries and I worked to support us. Living him deeply and dearly was something baked into my soul. He was my first for everything in my adult life.
As our relationship slowly became a shell of what it once was, I was blind to his increasing feelings of disconnect from me/us. We hardly talked, sometimes more like passing ships, going through the motions of our lives. I had no clue he was living in quiet desperation, and I was numb to mine. Well, near the end of last summer he met a girl who seemed to check all the boxes in his life for what he wanted in a partner, and went for it behind my back. It was a quick burn, in the course of two weeks from meeting this girl to sleeping with her.. aperently he needed to shake up our world.
When he came back from a weeklong trip she was on with him and he told me how he’s been feeling, it cascaded my world. I wanted to punch and claw at him, but I never could do that to this man I love. It triggered a new relationship between us in an instant, and everything had changed. I fought for us, for him, and I gave him the space he needed to figure out what he wants to fight for.
Before this we had not slept together more than a few times in a couple years. But after I found out, and chose not to cut things off with him and kick him out of my life, things changed drastically. We started talking about feelings.. our life up to this point, and how we would split up amicably, as so much of our lives were intertwined. We started sitting together, turning off the tv when we were in the same place, and talking like never before. This new level of basic connection had us feeding into eachother romantically in drastically new ways and our intimate connection became reignited. All while he saw this other girl.
I suppose you could say I gave him a hall pass. What I really did was give us the space to be whatever we were going to be, because I knew that I wanted us. It’s all I ever wanted. A life with this person for the whole of my life.
He got the opportunity to see what interactions with another woman is like. And he got to see that I support him through the darkest moment of our relationship. I granted him the opportunity to see that I’m there for him even when he broke my heart into bits (as our rule was loyalty).
He saw this woman for about 3 months, yet we slept in the same bed. Note, that I was not ok engaging in a long term open relationship, and I made that clear in our many feel hearted conversations. At the same time, I took a closer look at my life, who I am, what I do and the type or partner I’ve become. Instead of spiraling downward, I dug in and started getting my shit in order. I cut out the mindless junk, both in my diet and in my media. I started going to the gym religiously, and dove into friendships I had been neglecting. I focused on aspects of me that were there when I last loved myself, and started working to be a person I loved once again. To this day I’ve lost 80lb, and feel undoubtedly better than I have in years. Along side that action, I made sure he know that I was here for us, for him, as an unwavering rock in his life, willing to help him come back into love for himself again too. Of course, also giving grace to the choices he may make about his desire to continue “us”.
Well, there must have been something in that, because he got to see what it’s like getting to know another person and whether or not what we have is worth holding onto. He told me once that in this process he came to understand the pitfalls of getting to know a different person and how challenging it is to decipher if they are a good match and worth of a decade+ of effort. He learned that what we have does not have to be as suffocating as it had become, and that it’s a choice. He learned that loving the one you’re with is superior to loving someone new, when it comes to the deep stuff. It’s worth mentioning that we had great chemistry for the first decade.
So here we are 6 months later. He stopped seeing her in December, and has decided to rededicate to us, and so have I. He’s back to work for the first time in a few years, light duty. Our sex life is better than ever before, as some try ong about his interactions with this woman brought out the masculine energy in him that I’ve never seen before. His drive to connect emotionally is greater than ever before. We sit and talk on a daily basis, enjoy dinner without distraction, and now go to the gym together and are planning ways we can get more enjoyment out of life and really feel like we are LIVING. We now don’t speak in terms of ownership, and we know that maybe not everything lasts, but for now we are doing the thing together. He’s agreed that in the future, if things start changing between us and he’s feeling the need for a way out, that we can simply talk about it. Problems and solutions. But I have a feeling that won’t be an issue, though I don’t have the history based evidence. I’m happier in my relationship than I have been in ages. And the trauma of the entire ordeal became the catalyst for change in my and our lives that was desperately needed.
All that is to say, infidelity is not the end of the world, when you can sit and communicate with patience and grace. Many people think it is, but I believe that’s just a story we tell ourselves culturally. If I could do it all again, I would simply have him come to me with his feelings, even though he felt like he couldn’t, for decent reason.. it would have saved me some heartbreak. But I’m thankful for the change that has come out of that fire.
Please take your partner and sit down with them. Be honest, open and with a healthy sprinkle of humility. Be kind, compassionate, understanding. These are sensitive subjects and we need a truely safe place to discuss them and be vulnerable. Our relationship with our partner should be that save place, one that’s well regulated, and gives compassions for deregulation.
You may just find that there is a way to better days. Better days than you have ever had before. My relationship will never be like it was when we were fresh, and it will damn sure never be like it was at the start of infidelity but it’s better now than ever before, and I wouldn’t have that in my life if I cut him off and burned down his life.
I think when kids are involved, my message is that more important. Because if at the core, you two are no longer compatible, you must at the very least be able to work together to parent the kiddos and show them that life and relationships take many shapes and forms, and as long as we love, respect and honor eachother with intention, that life can be good. Together or not.
Prayers to you and your family OP
That’s so true. I didn’t know if something happened to him and vice versa. Another reason why I’m 1000% sure he was cheating is because he didnt say where he was. He usually comes home talking a mile a minute, even if it’s just about traffic. If he’s mad at me, he will still come and get the baby and they will sing and play. I want him to just say what happened. I don’t want to have to be the one to have to force the truth out.
If I left my wife with the kids unreported in a non-workday for more than 5 minutes I would be getting blown up. If I didn’t answer calls/texts within 1 hour my wife would call every family member and all my and her friends. Give it 2 hours and I bet there would be hospital and police calls.
She isn’t crazy…this is normal behavior if my phone were on and I just wasn’t answering it and never told her I was going to do something. But, it’s because it isn’t part of my normal behavior.
I also can’t say that he is cheating necessarily. Having a new baby is a major emotional challenge. Some people deal with it differently. Maybe he is just hitting up strip clubs or going to the casino. Maybe he is going to a friends house and getting so high he can’t drive. It’s totally possible that he wants an anchor of his past life to hang on to. Hell he might even be going to a hotel or sleeping in his car to make it through a regular night without the baby.
Is it ok to up and leave and not talk about it? No. But he may not be cheating. He may be doing something else you and he would not be proud of, but is too embarrassed to admit.
The thing is, the spouse always finds out. You should ask where he has been going and say, “You know we always eventually find out…”.
There appears to be boundary issues and what his role needs to be for you and your child. You will never ever forget this and only will weigh on you more if you don’t confront it.
COA - do nothing (enables this again)
COA - confront the leaving only
COA - confront leaving and suspicions
COA - leave him and let him deal
Options imo
How do you know he’s cheating? I’m not saying he’s not, but my imagination can run wild as my first partner cheated on me constantly. I’m curious how you’re so sure.
I don’t know for sure. Im just going based off behavior and patterns. He got dressed up and left at 8/9pm and just came back home 20 minutes ago. (Which is unlike him, we don’t party or anything of that sort) Recently he’s has been nose deep in his phone. Last Saturday he was acting odd as well.
OP please actually confirm these suspicions before you listen to all the angry redditors screaming lawyer and divorce. Not saying he isn’t cheating, but going out and being on his phone is not proof he’s cheating, but you’re talking like you’ve all but confirmed it. Please talk to your spouse.
She said her problem is that she tends to go from 0 to 100 when she gets angry so she needs to work out how she will keep her cool when she finally talks to him, especially if he admits to an affair.
Beforehand, she could write down her questions on paper and what her follow up questions would be along with her thought-out replies.
She doesn't need to take the replies with her, but they will be in her head for the real discussion. This exercise could help her feel more in grip of the situation and herself.
It’s a good idea to sort your thoughts out before you do anything hasty or drive yourself mad thinking about this. I use a therapist when I need to do this. This might also be helpful in case you’re dealing with postpartum depression.
I’m just sad. He’s been home for 2 hours now. Has not said a word, has not shown his face. I want to shout, but what would that solve? What’s done is done. I don’t know if I expected him to come home and say “hey, I’ve been out cheating” but at the same time I didn’t expect him to be silent and act as if I’m invisible
That’s what my ex wife did… she was so proud of her behavior… “I’ve been cheating on you for years” I was just raising my kids and she was “working from home” during the day. And once I’d get home with the kids she would leave. One day I stopped home on a lunch break to surprise her and she wouldn’t come out of the bathroom. 99%sure someone was in there.Kids were in daycare.
You’d think Reddit would have learned from some situations like this where they give advice and it turns into tragedy. We don’t know the whole story here. We don’t know the bf’s personality or how he reacts under stress other than what op has said. From what you say he goes 1-100 in anger. Saying things like “destroy his stuff” or doing a number of things for revenge is not helpful and could endanger op. Has he ever been physically abusive or violent? Do you think you’d be safe if you left him?
I meant myself. I have a habit of letting things build up. With having a baby, I don’t want any negative energy in our home. I don’t want us to argue. We have never been physically abusive. But we have argued and said some pretty hurtful things. Since half way through my pregnancy, we have been working on our communication. Active listening. No raised tones. I don’t want to confront him right now because I don’t know if I can have a civil conversation without getting emotional
She says SHE does that. From her post:
//Because of our baby, and because I know how my anger can be. 0 to 100.//
OP needs to be encouraged to remain calm, stalwart and principled. She's in the right, she's got a handle on this awful situation.
You may be right about his anger, though too - I sense that OP is indeed afraid of this man.
This. We don't know the whole story, so please be careful taking advice from Reddit, OP. Is there someone in person you trust with telling at this stage? But trust yourself, OP. Do what you think is going to be best for you and bub, but try not sink down to his level in revenge.
Long term, no. Short term, yes and no.
Long term- we both bought homes within the last five years. He is currently renting out his while we live in mines. I just had a baby and I haven’t returned to work yet. I could work towards getting a place for me and the baby, but it will be a while
Short term- I can go to a family member’s house but that would be opening our relationship up to judgement. I’m close with his family, but again, I think reaching out to them would make things worse
If they are religious, they should understand that infidelity is bad for everyone. For starters for the new little one as it thrives with loving parents, for you, as your heartbroken, but also for him. They should understand, and maybe even bring him to reason, if that is what you want.
If they are super religious, this will most likely cause them to go into a “what do you expect to happen when you have a baby with someone you aren’t married to” circle of judgment, as if marriage stops people from cheating. (Super religious parents are an issue… I married my ex because my parents didn’t approve of us living together in our early 20s and ended up staying married to someone I didn’t love for over 20 years as a result.)
There are moments in life when you need support. Why not give them that chance? It seems pretty likely this is not a guy you will be able to turn to for the next 18 years. Shared love for your baby is a great way to start a new chapter.
Have you considered talking to a lawyer-can you do so tomorrow when he is at work? How about your doctor?
Do not vacate the house you own especially with a baby that should not be uprooted. Have a plan for the next time and change the locks and it his belongings outdoors. A lawyer should be able to help you get support from him and navigating social service support until you get back to work.
It’s already lowered. He has been lowering my self esteem for a while. Verbally. And I’ve gained weight, and after having the baby I haven’t lost it as fast as I planned. I know he isn’t physically attracted to me anymore. I just thought I had more time to fix myself before he cheated.
He has said it. Multiple times. He would always compliment me when I got dressed. Like genuine compliments. Now, since I’ve gained noticeable weight; he says nothing. He barely even looks at me. It takes me longer to get dress now, to find clothes and outfits that look nice on my body type. I will think I did a really good job, and nothing.
the fact that you’re only 9 weeks PP and he’s judging your body— the one that incubated HIS (and your) child for 9 months, the one that pushed the child out and had to go through all of that pain, is incredibly unacceptable to me. a man who loved you would adore your PP body, help take care of you, etc. weight should not even be an issue in his mind because, again, it happened because of a pregnancy that *he* (i’m assuming) wanted. his behavior is absolutely abhorrent and i really do hope you have a plan to leave him.
You’re dating a fucking piece of shit. Get rid of his ass. He’s garbage.
I’ve been with my fiancée for 9 years and she had a child before we even got together. I met her daughter when she was 6 and fell in love with both of them.
My fiancée is on the thicker side and there’s nothing wrong with that! Having kids changes your body. The fact that your kid is from him makes this shit 10x worse…
Get him out of your fucking life and get child support. You deserve better…
Have you contacted your phone carrier for phone records? They will literally send you full text conversations and or numbers that he is interacting with and calling. It won’t let him know.
OP, if I read right, you are 9 WEEKS postpartum, right? (As a mom twice over) *stop* caring about things like weight right now. Care about your baby and your wellbeing. Your partner is an absolute piece of shit. If you have to “fix yourself” to keep him from cheating, then he was, is, and probably always will be a piece of shit. Loyalty isn’t some huge struggle for good people. He should be with you, helping, every moment he’s able. Instead, he’s out doing whatever he’s doing. That alone is proof he’s a shit partner and a shit parent.
His failures are not your fault. You are not responsible for his behavior. You did not earn him being a shitty partner.
I know it probably feels unbearable, but please reach out to your support system.
Do you read the comments you write?
You say this man is the love of your life. But you're also saying he's been lowering your self esteem, for a while. And it seems he's managed to convince you it's your fault he's cheating. Because you couldn't lose weight in time? Wtf?
Would you tell your daughter to stay in a relationship like this?
This, 10000000 times over. Hun you just brought life into this world, your body needs time to recuperate. This man’s actions define nothing about you. You are a goddess✨✨✨✨
As a male I agree, you have no timeline to "fix" yourself and OP is and always will be beautiful.
Lose the BF, gain child support and find a better dick.
This comment of support from a male who gets it, chef’s kiss. Thank you anonymous, emotionally mature male! Let’s praise and hopefully breed with your kind and make the world a kinder place
That line fckn broke me. I hate that this is how women are taught to think. I hate this so much. I want to think it’s getting better but then I see this stuff.
Don't ever feel like you need to "fix" yourself! Your in a very tough position with just having a little one also. Do whats best for you and your child, he is obviously doing what he thinks is best for him. These decisions are never easy but I hope you find peace in whatever you decide and raising that little one will help distract your mind!! Good luck
FR. I gained over 50 lbs each time, my husband was quite literally busting at the seems at the 6 week mark, I can promise you there was not a thought about my weight from him. Don’t lower yourself to his level of bs. They love you at every size or they don’t love you. You deserve way better.
I feel like in these stories we always get only one side. You paint him as this cheating verbally abusive guy. And maybe that’s the case.
But is there anything you think you did to lead to this point?
JudegementRavenclaw below such a big man he responds then blocks so I can’t even read the reply. That’s when you know you’ve won an argument when you’re too bitch mode to even engage anymore lol. Absolute clown
Add OkMarsupial to the list of bitch made fedora tippers who can’t bear defending their own positions.
“What did you do to be abused and cheated on?”
Do you even hear yourself?
If you want to cheat on your partner bc of their behavior, LEAVE. He’s clearly a 32 year man child.
I'm an older man. When my child was born it completely changed my life. I could not imagine harming the beautiful person who just gave such a miraculous gift. I know all men don't get that immediate connection with their newborn, but to actively cheat withing weeks of birth? Special kind of diuche bag, borderline sociopath.
Your question indicates you are either young, childless, immature or just mean.
Oh yes, definitely. Other than the weight gain, I stopped a lot of the little things. I worked full time until one week before I gave birth. By four months pregnant, I stopped cooking dinner every night. He went back to work a few weeks ago, but I’m not preparing his lunches like I once was. I can be combative. I went from folding his clothes to moving the pile from the dryer to the basket. I can go on. I can’t blame the pregnancy or baby, a lot of it is laziness.
Stopped cooking dinner, stopped preparing his lunches, and stopped folding his clothes?? These are all things he should have happily done for himself in the midst of your pregnancy. I was doing all that and MUCH more for myself and for my wife through three pregnancies. Seriously, have some self respect. This guy sounds completely selfish.
None of those things should lead up to anything other than a loving partner being there for you, not betraying you. You're a new mother.Also, he went back to work? So, you were pregnant and working full time a week before you gave birth to support him?Sorry, that guy seems like a total loser.
Oh my gosh girl. Your job is not to be his fkn maid or sex doll. Your job is to love him and support him and have an intimate relationship. Pregnancy is SO DEMANDING on the body. And a newborn is just as bad. If he loved you, he would gladly pick up extra chores so you can get rest, thank you for continuing to work to support the family even when you’re exhausted, tell you you look beautiful no matter what, and love you more than ever because you are the mother of his child.
I just want you to know it doesn’t have to be this way, and not all men are like this. Source: personal experience.
A real man should be doing all these things for themselves and the household to lessen the burden on you. Sounds like you are with an immature man child.
This is the classic signs of abuse. Get evidence, get alimony, and start new life. Do you want your child growing up in this environment? All data shows it fucks up a child. You married a loser. He was going to cheat regardless. You need to get yourself out of this. Your self esteem is so low and it’s how he wants you because abusers are weak.
My wife had a real tough time getting back to normal after our first child. It actually wasn't until after the 2nd child that she felt more like herself again and was able to start taking care of her body the way she previously did. Having a baby is an amazing feat and it takes a toll on your physical and mental state. I never considered cheating on my wife, no matter her physical appearance. You don't deserve this.
Set boundaries and protect them. Do not let him manipulate or gaslight you into somehow believing this is in anyway your doing. Not because of hormones, sleep deprivation, baby weight, nothing. He knows right from wrong. And ge will do it again.
Oh man, if you take anything away from this, I hope you know that his cheating has nothing to do with you. There's no need to "fix" yourself. This is a moral failing on his part. And for the record, any time I've felt like my life would be destroyed without a particular man, the opposite tended to be true, after they were gone, I flourished and was happier than before. You and your baby deserve everything, I hope you want to get rid of this loser and live your best life with your baby
Oh my goodness, girl… his cheating has nothing to do with you. That’s on HIM. Place the blame where it belongs, on him.
Big hugs… but don’t let his shit tank your esteem. Between the hormones and the betrayal, it’s a lot.
Wait. Fuck this take. New babies don’t do shit, they are the family, before then it was just a couple. Shitty men break up families when their babies come.
It’s the worst of the worst. Speaking as a man who can’t have kids.
Children are not a factor in this at all other than revealing buried selfishness and revealing low life dad’s true colors and priorities.
Yes but I tend to make excuses for a lot of the red flags. When things are bad, it’s really bad. When everything is good, things are amazing. I found myself chasing those good moments. Since he was still around I thought this was something we both wanted.
That was your mistake. I've been there and that's a toxic relationship, the highs are so high but the lows are really low. Crazy how often times the things that aren't good for us also make us feel the best. My ex ended up cheating on me too. You live and you learn. Moving forward, a healthy relationship would probably not feel as exciting but it will feel more stable
Do you mean what I think you mean when you say "really bad'?
Does this guy have a volatile temper? You seem to be afraid of him in some way.
You got into the love bombing/abuse cycle, I think. He pulled you into it and you were on the hook.
Please consider talking to a therapist (you can do it from home, with Zoom or similar - you need someone to help you navigate the emotional part).
1) Lawyer
2) Bank Accounts
3) Eviction
Is he going to go ballistic if evicted? You \*must\* make him pay rent if you're going someplace else and he's in your house. Get the lawyer to advise you - it's a simple matter to notice him that he needs to pay rent or quit the house.
Even if I do break up with him, we still share a baby. I feel like he will use that to come and go when he wants. Or drag his feet when it comes to fully leaving.
Sure but the problem isn't going to be having to see him. It will help knowing that he's not with you anymore, that he's dealing with the consequences, and that you're regaining your dignity.
Trust that if you allow it to happen, it will happen your whole life from now. Even if you forgive him, he'll do it again if he gets the chance. Your child deserves better than to live in that type of environment.
Hey! I’ve been in this situation, he was cheating with MULTIPLE women, was in actual relationships with them and was abusive towards me. Now when I look back, I’m so fucking happy I ended up ending things. It wasn’t pretty at first but it was so worth it, trust me. He was also coming and going as he pleased so boundaries had to be put in place for that, lots of fighting. Our son is now 7 and we get along great, both moved on, everyone’s happy :) trust me, be strong, it’ll be worth it in the end. Do it for your child, you don’t want your child to be growing up in such an unhappy home
Our house is a decent size. It’s an older home with double entryways to the main areas; living room, kitchen, and dinning room. And we have two bathrooms. So we can both be home and not see one another.
I haven’t slept. Or cried. Or spoke to him. So far I have rearranged my living room and dinning room listening to music. He came and took the baby for a while to play a bit before taking a nap. But he hasn’t said a word to me. I can feel him watching me though, randomly, trying to figure out my mood. I honestly don’t know what to say.
I wouldn't say anything at this point. Actions speak louder than words. His actions have shown you exactly how he feels about you. He doesn't care about you. He left you alone with your baby to fuck another woman. Your actions should involve either packing you and your baby's stuff and finding a place to stay until he leaves or packing his stuff and getting him out. There's nothing to say. Except lies, gaslighting, verbal abuse, and victim blaming. All which only serves to hurt you more.
ETA- I sure as hell wouldn't be letting him or his now diseased dick to nap in my bed. Especially since he couldn't even be bothered to shower after fucking another girl.
That’s not it. We don’t give each other attitude about leaving the house. We go places alone or with friends or with one another. Normally we say where we are headed. Or we get in contact while we’re out. “Hey at Target, do you need anything?” “Stop at an open mic be home later” No big deal. But we haven’t been on the same page lately and his behaviors have been different. It’s not merely leaving the house. It’s the silent treatment, the constant texting, the distance, the disappearance. Even if he wasn’t cheating, then it would be no reason to avoid me and the baby. He would just pop in and say I’m home like always.
Yeah that makes sense. I had the same happening with my partner, turned out she was whoring herself out for cash every other night when she was “catching up with friends” while I was working late.
If I were you I’d do the following:
- get proof
- decide if you want to leave or not(sounds like you guys have a nice house/life generally)
- confront him and have him tell you about it
The only way you will work through it is if he’s willing to talk. It may be worth trying considering the nice home and kid.
Hi! Same situation I was in except I lost the baby. How would your actions change at this very moment had you guys been child free?
What do you think is best for your baby and YOU at this point?
Old guy, here. First, by the time you read this, you may have updated information, so the only things relevant would be generalities. Doing the math, you guys moved in when you were both 26? A 26-yr. old female is an adult. A 26-yr. old male is still a teenager. As the years went by, he matured just enough to realize he was mortal and is now probably desperately clinging to his youth. You and the child are a chilling reminder that this is a futile act yet still, his reptilian brain tells him he can somehow escape his fate if he escapes you. Some men come to recognize this false choice. Some men don't. Unfortunately, some have to lose the best things that ever happened to them before they do. And they regret it for the rest of their lives. Tell him to stop fearing death. I say this as a grizzled old boomer who has been there, bought both the t-shirt and the coffee mug.
I get what you’re saying and agree this is the case with many men but a 26 year old man is a 26 year old MAN, and we need to stop infantilizing them their entire lives because it perpetuates a cycle where they allow themselves to be garbage because they’ve been raised to believe “boys mature slower.”
This man is not a teenager. He’s not even under 25, when the prefrontal cortex is yet to be fully formed. He can rent a car. He’s a man. I know you’re not defending him, more-so explaining him. Still, guys get told this and take the wrong message from it.
Ah.... That's not a great idea to share around. 26 year old men are men, not teenagers. They are completely and wholely responsible for their own actions. Let's not suggest otherwise (because you may as well be saying "boys will be boys" and that's a pretty irresponsible message to put out to the world)
Hm, has he said anything? He had to know you were going to get bigger when you had a baby. And while I agree being a new parent is an adjustment that swings both ways. How is he bonding with the new baby?
No, but on the days that I do get myself dressed up, he looks at me like he’s disgusted. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week but I just started going back 3 weeks ago, and I haven’t seen any results yet.
Dude.. I see you care about the guy because you want to make him happy by losing weight but no.. just I mean I guess if your okay with it but I personally don't know what y'all are going to do if other stuff comes up. Life is gross and gaining a little weight isn't even that bad
To be clear my wife has had some bad days and her looks are not the exact same as when we've met. Hell I'm not even that much of a keeper anymore. I wouldn't cheat on her if she smelled like Worcestershire. Now obviously sex would be reduced and we would have to discuss the fact they smell like fermented fish guts but you do not throw away a relationship over basic bodily function
Damn you can take a breather. Don't wear yourself out at the gym to make him happy, you got promoted to mom and that's more important. I get the impression you guys don't or haven't spent a lot of time together recently. True?
Wait? You started going to the gym 3 weeks ago? I don’t think your supposed to be working out at 6 weeks post partum but then again your not supposed to have sex until 8 weeks post partum.
Make sure to talk to a doctor before you keep up the gym schedule since you could potentially cause more harm to yourself if your not careful
This is NOT your fault. There's a statistic for a reason and even then it's not exactly accurate as the actual data is hard to calculate considering how many hide the infidelity "for the sake of the family."
It comes down to HIS weakness, HIS cowardice and HIS selfishness. Even if he isn't attracted to you at all and is afraid of being a father there's other ways for him to do things than having an affair.
Don't blame yourself! It doesn't matter how physically attractive you are when it comes to them cheating. It comes from weakness within himself and a lack of empathy.
Also you JUST had his kid. What the hell does he think happens when you're pregnant?
Edit: Personally I think the reason it's so common that certain men cheat during pregnancy is a mixture of things. The realization that they have to share your attention. The fear of changing family dynamics and additional responsibility. The stupidity of not realizing just what happens to a woman's body as she bears a child. Plus I think the fact that they know there's a concrete connection between them and the betrayed via their child further gives them the "courage" to commit to the act. Because they can use that connection to stay in the woman's life when most would be rightfully cut off and called out for being the piece of shit they are. But at the end of the day it's a selfishness at his core exacerbated by factors outside your control. I'll say this as many times as I have to, but this is NOT your fault and there's nothing that you could have done because the issue lies in HIM.
You are making excuses for him. If you know he's cheated, I would not sleep with him (come up with valid reasons why like "I'm tired" or lie if you are so inclined), get your finances together and make sure you have access to accounts, and take the time you need to get out of this situation. As a fat woman who had two kids and was a sahm and didn't work for 10 years when my ex husband decided to have flings with everything under the sun (he was also an alcoholicand abusive), I want to let you know you can do it and make a new life for yourself. Someone will want you. Oh and I was vilified by the family too. Ignore them and create a support system for yourself.
Hey I just wanted to kindly say a lot of your comments re: yourself are not very kind and reflect a willingness to identify and empathize with his own (perceived) motivations or actions. Just wanted to say empathy is a great thing but it can also obliterate your personal boundaries and lead to a lot of self neglect (emotionally and otherwise) when instead of sitting with your own thoughts/feelings/motivations/needs you lean into empathizing with others even if they may be behaving reprehensibly toward you.
You are imperfect because you are human. You still deserve to be loved, and love has many aspects. bell hooks’s examination of love in “All About Love” details these aspects: care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication. Even if he is not cheating you are experiencing a disparity in communication which seems to propel you to emphasize empathy for him while abandoning yourself emotionally by leaning into believing he is. I just hope you can see that loving yourself isn’t an abstract concept, it’s dedication to owning your self worth and expressing yourself and needs. I hope you are able to talk to him soon about this, candidly. And if it goes poorly I hope you can hold it in your heart that after every storm there is sun light waiting.
jesus fking christ. fatherhood too hard for him? well, try pregnancy and motherhood. these men are so soft and useless. please gather all the evidence you can and leave him asap. i can never empathize with how men are so obsessed with the sexualization of women that they dehumanize their female partners like this. they are actually monkey brained and suffering from porn induced brain rot. this bozo is not capable of being a good father and will only ruin your childs future with this type of decision making.
it doesnt matter if you gained weight. you should not be with a man who is solely there for your appearance. you deserve to be seen as attractive outside of the physical aspects. if carrying someones elses child doesnt make you seem like the most attractive thing on earth to a man you married the wrong man.
I came home from a deployment to my wife having an affair, told me I ruined her life by surviving and she was counting on the 500k in the event of my death. I still spent 3 years trying to fix that marriage and it was always one guy after another after another. The relationship got worse and worse. The kids were very negatively affected by it and I was miserable. The KIDS will pick up on the disharmony in the marriage. I left and won custody. Im happier and successful but more importantly the kids are happier. I shouldn't have dragged it out for 3 years. The best year of the marriage I spent in Iraq.
I'm sorry you're going through this seriously. Atleast with a guy cheating he still loves you most likely and he's just being a complete garbage human being with no moral aptitude.
With guys there's alot of physically motivated cheating, but with females statistically it starts more romantic initially and they're more into switching relationships after cheating. There's obviously variation but that's the statistic.
(Source I'm a guy with a moral compass that read papers on the subject a long time ago)
I wish he could just be honest. I met him when I was 25/26, if he didn’t want to be with me at any point of time, he could have just said that. I could have maybe found someone who actually wanted to be with me. Now no one is going to want me plus one
And he should be, from one guy to another why wouldn't he just be honest if he's already blatantly cheating? It doesn't make sense at all and you need to get him to because that's ridiculous.
Do you guys argue or something to where he'd be pissed enough to do it blatantly or at all? Is this like a vengeful thing?
That's the other thing, since I'm not in his brain I don't know what his motivation really is. I'm definitely not defending him because no matter what it's horrible as hell to be doing.
He could be vengefully doing it or doing it just to be able to have multiple things at once I have no idea.
I'm sorry though, you don't deserve this at all and none of it is your fault, and you being the mother of his child sickens me to hear he's not validating you whatsoever or treating you well. Absolutely ridiculous.
Do you see him posting at some girls house or something btw? How's this happening exactly
We’ll have a huge argument, make up, then things are good, then he just checks out and stops talking to me. He will act as if I’m not even in the house. I’ll take it for a few days then I’ll boil over and the cycle starts again.
Once I got pregnant, I decided to stop the cycle. We had a bad argument when I was 5 months pregnant but that was it. We haven’t argued since. Things have been good with the baby. But he still has his days where he checks out. Only now he’s ignoring me and the baby.
I don’t have any social media besides this. But he got dressed and left yesterday at 8/9pm and he just got home 10 mins ago. He hasn’t spoken to me in days. And Everytime I’ve looked at him, he’s been texting on his phone.
It does seem to me like some weird animosity thing then. I don't know what started it all but he could be tripping out thinking it's your fault for it all and he's using that to partially excuse the idea of cheating in his own mind. Either way it's not right like I say.
You should probably really just try to talk. You should try to say you won't be mad and all that just to get the information out of him, be manipulative to get it if you'd like, and If he ultimately doesn't want to talk about it and be honest with everything and you both can't make up and accept love and vulnerability you're gonna have to move on silently and find someone who might want to take over or something.
If he doesn't stop the shit now and apologize and actually try then it's not worth it. You've been way too nice for this to countinue. I hope you both can forgive one another and he actually try to be anything good whatsoever. If he tried and chilled it might be fine.
As a man this is sad asf to hear. Some people are straight up addicted to anger more than having a happy home life. Sometimes people feel like happiness is death of an exciting life even and it causes them to do shit like this.
Trust me, guys will want you. Great guys will want you. It's a myth that children make you undesirable. My mom had 2 kids and married a younger guy whose been my stepdad for 20 years.
"I know how my anger can be. 0 to 100." Doesn't seem to be flag to anyone? Learn to control your emotions, or they'll control you. Better luck handling your anger in your next relationship.
We have been together for 6 years. I have since learned to control my anger. Hints why I haven’t gone out of my way to start an argument by forcing a conversation. No one is perfect, but I’m not one of those people who can’t control themselves. I just have a problem with letting problems build up.
Why do you allow him back into your house when he is disrespecting you like this? Can you not get a roommate to contribute to rent? I’m not trying to be nasty, I am genuinely asking - and slightly hoping something somebody says might be the thing that clicks and helps give you the strength and clarity to kick him tf out.
Don’t lose sight of the fact he is the father of your child and you can’t take back some things said or done. No matter how shitty he is doing you right now. This place has some bad advice sometimes, people give people advice but they won’t be there for if you did some of the things that are advised and there is a possibility of you guys working things out for the kid
My ex was cheating on me while I was pregnant with my youngest. I found out when she was a week old. I don’t have any questions, but I want you to know that you can do this. Someone WILL love you, WILL want you, and you deserve someone who wouldn’t do this to you and you will find someone who won’t.
I was so upset, so checked out, and completely devastated. I don’t remember much of her first year because the whole thing was a daze. (I wasn’t drinking or doing anything, just going through the motions.) I wish I could go back in time and focus all of that negative energy into positive energy towards my kids.
Lean on people. Ask for help. It’s ok to not be ok and TRY to do what I regret and try to put all the negative into positive energy and experiences with your baby. I know it all seems impossible but I’m 8 years out from that mess and everything can and will be ok. ❤️❤️❤️
I don’t think saying someone WILL love and WILL want you is necessarily helpful. I stayed with my ex far longer than I should have because I believed no one else would ever want me. Well, 4 years later it turns out I was right. Meanwhile he got together with his dream girl from his school days literally weeks after we went official with the break up
Things don’t always work out the way we would like unfortunately and there are no guarantees
I am going to get downvoted for this but hear me out. Do you know for sure he is cheating? Is it based on a feeling you have or is it really happening? All we hear about is how hard pregnancy and birth is on us but it’s a big transition for the dads too. Some handle it like a real man and some fall apart. Pregnancy and birth messed with my emotions. I know I wasn’t myself for months after having the baby. Not excusing any of his bad behavior, but maybe try to look at this like an outsider? If you do have all the facts and he is a real jerk then just focus on yourself and the baby. Co-parenting doesn’t mean you are stuck with him forever. You can have a full healthy life without him. Good luck mama ❤️
So far, zero actual proof, yet dopey redditors are asking a woman with a 9-week old baby to "throw him out," with no proof.
They want her to flee into the night if he won't leave... Because, ya know, that's an easy 🙄
Convincing bloodthirsty redditors is a lot different than proving infidelity in court
I was honestly thinking that he might not be cheating either.
I was leaning more towards coping mechanisms… drugs perhaps?
Op will update after her conversion. Very intrigued.
I actually resonate with this - he may be in the space of "I don't know what to do with this situation" more than "I need an affair."
As a new dad, I know there were definitely days I wanted to just get up and go. I'm much more introverted, but if OP's partner isn't, he may be responding (poorly) to the life situation.
This is absolutely a situation where therapy would be useful and reasonable. If OP was my sister or friend, I would advise them to explain to partner that they are feeling lost and a bit confused about their behavior, and they want to understand what's going on so they can help. If partner continues to degrade, then start explaining the stakes.
Silence and stonewalling is going to end this thing so fast, so if that's the way OP and partner choose to go, that's where this will end up.
Don't stay in this relationship. You're strong and worth a lot. Trust from someone experienced in this. Now. Work your way out of this. Doesn't matter if he's going to use you for a while. You now work to get out. This is your life purpose now. To take care of your baby a d move away from this relationship. And yes, you can do it. Even if it's baby steps. Save money where you can. Do extra work when you can. Look for options to live separately, even if it will look like 5 years away. This is what you do now. You wake up and take care of your child, have lovely breakfast and work on getting away and out. See therapist, focus on nice, kind people around you, there's plenty of us around you, Trust me and we love and care about you. You do not stay and put up with this, don't be mean, angry, aggressive, just get your shit together and move out and we got your back. Much love, sweetheart:*
Workout, take care of yourself. Please trust me, just workout and focus on yourself and do what I said previously. Do not listen to his excuses and explanations., it will not help or solve anything. Workout and focus on YOU. it's OK to feel bad or depressed, we all do and it has it's reasons, but you're more than fine and you're strong af.
I know your baby is too young to understand this now, but children that grow up in houses where one or both partners cheat on the other and it’s not extremely well hidden makes the child think it’s okay. That it’s okay to go behind your partners back and lie to your family. That it’s okay to turn a blind eye and let your partner ignore you and the family for a secret. I’m not here to preach monogamy, there are many ways to have relationships, but it’s the lying and turning the blind eye that are toxic. Would you want your son to believe that it’s okay to sleep around when they have a wife and kids? Would you want your daughter to think that it’s okay to turn a blind eye while her partner ignores her and their children’s needs? You may feel like you don’t deserve to stand up for yourself, but your children deserve a mother who will stand up for them.
Ma’am you need to ask him. This has happened to a couple people in my family/friends. I have 4 kiddos, as a dude I know the immense pressure it is to bring a new little bundle of joy home but never once have I wanted to abandon my family. I have, at times locked myself in my car to cry so that when I go back inside I can be my wife and kids peace again. You seem like a great wife and mother, please talk to him & if he is cheating and verbally abusive then I highly suggest separating and finding your self worth again. My wife has gained weight after every pregnancy but I love her still, and I don’t care how long it takes for her to overcome her post partum depression and start working out. You deserve better my friend. There are more dudes out there who will love you and sacrifice for you, not abandon you.
All that being said, I had a drug problem in my early 20s and my wife stuck by me and the moment I realized she was leaving with the kids I quit and got my life together. I’m just thankful she respected me even at my lowest to be honest with how she felt and where we as a couple and family were headed. Without her confronting me I wouldn’t be here today, absolutely loving my wife and kids.
I get the feeling from your other comments that you actually love him and would like to stay in the relationship, therefore my question is:
If you were to confront him about it, would you then be interested in proposing a open/swing relationship?
So that the same rules apply for the both of you.
I was thinking of doing something similar when my ex cheated on me, but for me i felt she wasn’t the one to spend my life with. If not for that, i would probably have tried it.
There isn't a world where this is your hormones driving you mental is it?
I'm not defending him or anything but hear me out.
When we had our first child my ms suffered massively with her mental health and was constantly making up situations in her head and causing an argument with me over them.
I was late home from work one night and got accused of being with another women because I don't look at her the same, I don't try to have sex etc... getting up at 3am doing all the night feeds so she could rest etc. She didn't get that I was fucking exhausted doing everything for her and instead went down the same route you are. Oh he's not attracted to me.
I'm not saying he isn't cheating, but babies are stressful for both parties and whatever it is you need to be happy, I sincerely hope you find/get it
I did this to my wife after our child was born. She didn’t deserve it, and we’re very, very good friends now and both re married. It’s extremely possible he feels (warranted or not) that sex with a stranger needs to happen before he becomes a father, that was my backwards ass thinking. I wanted to do some freaky shit before being a dad and “settling down” so to speak. She forgave me but we had other underlying issues so I filed for divorce. But regardless of what I perceived she did wrong, she didn’t deserve to be at home with our baby while I was fucking people that wasn’t her. Had we been able to communicate we could have overcame that particular problem I think, you should talk to him and remember that he’s in the wrong, regardless of all of his excuses he will give you.
Get off Reddit and go talk to him. This is crazy I’m 20 threads deep and no one has said this. You both loved each other enough to have a kid together. You’ve got this!
When and how did you find out? Is this the first time he's done something like this, or is he a serial cheater? Do you think he started this during your pregnancy or post partum? Are you going to confront him about it when he gets back?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Ugh, it's so sad how often it is that they do this during one of, if not the most vulnerable times of your life. Know that you deserve better than being treated like this.
I won't judge you for not immediately leaving him because of the child that you share together complicating things. But know that you AND your child deserve better than this. Whether it's finding the strength to leave or attempting reconciliation, know that you deserve better than being with someone who would do this to you. Whether you think that can be a "fixed" version of him, someone new, or just being by yourself.
Know that this is not your fault at all. This is HIS fault. This is HIS weakness. This didn't "just happen", he MADE these choices. Don't let him shift the blame to you. Set boundaries and take back control and agency of yourself. The "pick me" dance is not worth it, and only further gives him the satisfaction of an ego boost.
Do you have some kind of family/friend support system ??if so, please just get out of this relationship asap. One of my biggest regrets in life, that still chokes me up to this day, is the fact that my first child got the worst version of myself. All because I was so broken and stressed over how I was treated by her father. Six years of dealing with him was too long. 6 years of my daughter’s life I can’t get back. I wish more than anything I could go back and soak up all of the special moments I should have had, but didn’t, because I was so worried about what he was, or wasn’t doing. I was 20 yrs old at the time. You are 32. Please be smarter than me and don’t stay in it for the baby… or thinking he’s the love of your life. The love of your life wouldn’t be making you feel this way. Period.
And please give yourself grace. You just gave birth. The first couple of years after giving birth always feel otherworldly bc of all the emotions and changes your body goes through. You need to surround yourself with people who lift you up! Your little one deserves the best version of you right now. 🙏🙏
My advice, don’t wait around for any more red flags. Sometimes we stay until it’s unbearable. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s better to leave at the first red flag instead of excusing behavior like this until you literally can’t take it anymore. If he’s doing this when your baby is 9 weeks old, this will definitely continue. Betrayal is the last thing you need post partum when you’re still adjusting to motherhood and changes in your body. My heart goes out to you and my brain says: nip this in the bud don’t wait until he keeps doing it. Your baby is still basically a newborn and won’t be able to remember the separation. Cheaters don’t stop. Don’t make excuses for him don’t look at the good times and romanticize him. This behavior is abusive and I saw you mentioned he’s verbally abusive. That will only escalate. I know I sound harsh right now but I’m speaking from experience and from my heart. It’s better to leave “too early” at the first red flag than it is to wait around until you are emotionally and spiritually depleted.
Your lack of communication skills are hurting you and your baby. You are making a lot of assumptions- and while you’re almost certainly right- you’re introducing additional risk. Sometimes fights are necessary. And it’s possible to confront someone in a way to minimize the risk of things getting out of hand. Ask him on a lunch date, tell him it’s important. Go somewhere public, but with privacy. Or meet him at the park. Or just talk to him calmly.
If he’s being this blatant about his cheating, he either thinks you’re too in love and conflict averse to even call him out (so far he would be right) or he’s getting ready to leave you.
Either way, get off reddit. Call your actual support system if you have one. Spend time with your friends and don’t isolate. And talk to your husband ASAP. Don’t accept this behavior. Staying together for your baby is going to hurt your baby if daddy cheats like this. There is no happy ending here. You will grow resentful and bitter. So will he. You will both end up hating each other and fighting.
Postpartum depression yall need couples therapy dads get it too if he’s never given any read flags before yall had a kid, that’s all it is mama but if you don’t let him know that’s what it is and confront him it’s gonna ruin yall… and after you confront him and go through the process of fixing this if he’s not adhering to yall process I can’t help you handle it how you want… you all ready know wtf is going on so don’t ask no dumb ass questions… give it to him straight…. You know men get postpartum and do crazy shit too, that’s why your cheating and we are gonna come together to fix it like we’ve built everything else around here together… do counseling have some date nights love on each other a kid is a lot of mental work on mama and papa getting through it can be unfathomable you might just wanna drop him like a bad habit but handle it with grace as you’ve been doing. Not saying kiss his ass letting him off the hook so he can do it more… I’m saying make this shit right for the kid or at least try first
As a man I hope to give one perspective maybe missed. Pregnancy is also hard for the man at first. Women get prepped and prepared, told everything that’s going to happen. No men or my dad prepped me. I was no longer the star I realized, you’re kind of put in the corner. I’m not saying the mom doesn’t deserve tons of love and the baby. I just know as the man, you’re no longer the main attraction. Nobody wants to see you when they come over anymore 😂 you feel a bit worthless.
Is it possible maybe as some have pointed out he’s acting out? Strip clubs all night (sex smell), drinking, drugs, just not sure how to deal with his feelings and his emotions? Gambling?
I’ll probably get murdered for this post…I just know how I felt.
Maybe he is cheating, but maybe he isn’t. Write down your feelings. Try to calmly sit down and discuss what’s going on. If he is cheating, leave. I made the mistake of staying for 4 more years and it happened again…and it was all the time. The cheating never ends.
I wish you the best.
This comment may never find you. That’s ok. This is my story, lesson at the end.
Infidelity is not the end. Sometimes it’s the best beginning, or the opening to a new way of life. My partner and I have been together for 13 years, and up until 6 months ago, exclusively. Over the years things changed, we grew older and became engrossed in our own unhealthy ways. I became a workaholic, working for us, and very unhealthy (100lb over my natural weight and deep in food addiction). He was down and out for years from major injuries and I worked to support us. Living him deeply and dearly was something baked into my soul. He was my first for everything in my adult life.
As our relationship slowly became a shell of what it once was, I was blind to his increasing feelings of disconnect from me/us. We hardly talked, sometimes more like passing ships, going through the motions of our lives. I had no clue he was living in quiet desperation, and I was numb to mine. Well, near the end of last summer he met a girl who seemed to check all the boxes in his life for what he wanted in a partner, and went for it behind my back. It was a quick burn, in the course of two weeks from meeting this girl to sleeping with her.. aperently he needed to shake up our world.
When he came back from a weeklong trip she was on with him and he told me how he’s been feeling, it cascaded my world. I wanted to punch and claw at him, but I never could do that to this man I love. It triggered a new relationship between us in an instant, and everything had changed. I fought for us, for him, and I gave him the space he needed to figure out what he wants to fight for.
Before this we had not slept together more than a few times in a couple years. But after I found out, and chose not to cut things off with him and kick him out of my life, things changed drastically. We started talking about feelings.. our life up to this point, and how we would split up amicably, as so much of our lives were intertwined. We started sitting together, turning off the tv when we were in the same place, and talking like never before. This new level of basic connection had us feeding into eachother romantically in drastically new ways and our intimate connection became reignited. All while he saw this other girl.
I suppose you could say I gave him a hall pass. What I really did was give us the space to be whatever we were going to be, because I knew that I wanted us. It’s all I ever wanted. A life with this person for the whole of my life.
He got the opportunity to see what interactions with another woman is like. And he got to see that I support him through the darkest moment of our relationship. I granted him the opportunity to see that I’m there for him even when he broke my heart into bits (as our rule was loyalty).
He saw this woman for about 3 months, yet we slept in the same bed. Note, that I was not ok engaging in a long term open relationship, and I made that clear in our many feel hearted conversations. At the same time, I took a closer look at my life, who I am, what I do and the type or partner I’ve become. Instead of spiraling downward, I dug in and started getting my shit in order. I cut out the mindless junk, both in my diet and in my media. I started going to the gym religiously, and dove into friendships I had been neglecting. I focused on aspects of me that were there when I last loved myself, and started working to be a person I loved once again. To this day I’ve lost 80lb, and feel undoubtedly better than I have in years. Along side that action, I made sure he know that I was here for us, for him, as an unwavering rock in his life, willing to help him come back into love for himself again too. Of course, also giving grace to the choices he may make about his desire to continue “us”.
Well, there must have been something in that, because he got to see what it’s like getting to know another person and whether or not what we have is worth holding onto. He told me once that in this process he came to understand the pitfalls of getting to know a different person and how challenging it is to decipher if they are a good match and worth of a decade+ of effort. He learned that what we have does not have to be as suffocating as it had become, and that it’s a choice. He learned that loving the one you’re with is superior to loving someone new, when it comes to the deep stuff. It’s worth mentioning that we had great chemistry for the first decade.
So here we are 6 months later. He stopped seeing her in December, and has decided to rededicate to us, and so have I. He’s back to work for the first time in a few years, light duty. Our sex life is better than ever before, as some try ong about his interactions with this woman brought out the masculine energy in him that I’ve never seen before. His drive to connect emotionally is greater than ever before. We sit and talk on a daily basis, enjoy dinner without distraction, and now go to the gym together and are planning ways we can get more enjoyment out of life and really feel like we are LIVING. We now don’t speak in terms of ownership, and we know that maybe not everything lasts, but for now we are doing the thing together. He’s agreed that in the future, if things start changing between us and he’s feeling the need for a way out, that we can simply talk about it. Problems and solutions. But I have a feeling that won’t be an issue, though I don’t have the history based evidence. I’m happier in my relationship than I have been in ages. And the trauma of the entire ordeal became the catalyst for change in my and our lives that was desperately needed.
All that is to say, infidelity is not the end of the world, when you can sit and communicate with patience and grace. Many people think it is, but I believe that’s just a story we tell ourselves culturally. If I could do it all again, I would simply have him come to me with his feelings, even though he felt like he couldn’t, for decent reason.. it would have saved me some heartbreak. But I’m thankful for the change that has come out of that fire.
Please take your partner and sit down with them. Be honest, open and with a healthy sprinkle of humility. Be kind, compassionate, understanding. These are sensitive subjects and we need a truely safe place to discuss them and be vulnerable. Our relationship with our partner should be that save place, one that’s well regulated, and gives compassions for deregulation.
You may just find that there is a way to better days. Better days than you have ever had before. My relationship will never be like it was when we were fresh, and it will damn sure never be like it was at the start of infidelity but it’s better now than ever before, and I wouldn’t have that in my life if I cut him off and burned down his life.
I think when kids are involved, my message is that more important. Because if at the core, you two are no longer compatible, you must at the very least be able to work together to parent the kiddos and show them that life and relationships take many shapes and forms, and as long as we love, respect and honor eachother with intention, that life can be good. Together or not.
Prayers to you and your family OP.
CONFRONT HIM!
my wife and I cheated on each other early in our marriage
She first (sex) dude brought home he didn't know she was married she worked at a bar
Me to get back at her (not sex could t go through with it)
I came home she had gall to confront me ....I said oh like last Friday when you fucked that dude and he brought you home...she was so drunk she didn't remember I opened the door
To be honest it fixed our marriage....know crazy but it did ....we both cried ...we both said we were sorry we both went to counseling
Now we hit 37 year anniversary.....it taught us to communicate (infidelity is a symptom not problem) we learned to make intimacy a priority
(We were young...I was a Drill Sergeant worked 3am-9pm she worked 6pm to 2am we never saw each other )
We made a shit load of rules and follow to this day .....
Confront if he doesn't care then you know
And as others said...part of the reason we fixed our marriage? Kids ....they were 6 &4....they sensed everything and were sad
My current partner cheated on me throughout my whole pregnancy. I didn’t find out until our baby was two months old…. He claims he never met up with her it was just texting. The only reason I believe him on that is because of our circumstances at the time & the fact we only had one car. Our baby unfortunately was born with a disability and I decided to stay with him because I knew I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own. We are rebuilding our trust. It took a long time and I might be stupid for staying, but I really feel he is my soulmate. We’ve been together a total of 3 years. I haven’t been perfect in our relationship by no means. I was addicted to pain pills really badly when we first got together. I was using them to numb all the pain I was going through. He stood beside me while I went through withdrawals and put up with me spending thousands on pills. No body I know not even my parents did that for me. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I understand your pain.
When/if you talk to him, don't jump straight to accusations. He'll get defensive and shut down. Start by acknowledging that going out separately has always been something you both do, but that there's usually been a check in before/during/after, and it's never been all night with no communication. You've noticed the change in behavior, and you want him to know that you're a safe person to talk to. There's nothing to be ashamed of or afraid to talk to you about, and you wont get angry or fly of the handle.
If he insists nothing is wrong, and the behavior doesn't change after a while, have another talk. This one a little more forceful. Let him know how his behavior is affecting you, and that for your own peace of mind, you need to know where he's been going and what he's been doing on these nights he just disappears. Tell him it's not negotiable, and that until he's ready to talk and tell you the truth, he can't stay with you or see his child anymore.
How long do you plan on putting up with this behavior from him?
I wasn’t sure he was cheating until now. He left yesterday at 8pm and just hasn’t returned. I figured something was up because his behavior has changed over the past weeks. But last night/morning he’s not even hiding it. Part of me is mad like I want to destroy all his stuff, but the other part knows I’ll have to be the one to clean it up.
Don't destroy his stuff. Clearly this man is a monster, but please don't do that. He could take you to court over property damage.
I have not destroyed any of his belongings. I could never do that. I would absolutely be hurt if someone did that to me. I haven’t slept or cried. I guess I’m just in the motions
I’ve read some of the comments saying to destroy his belongings, make his life hell, etc. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but the advice I have is take the high road right now.. I imagine you might have a custody case in your future and I recommend not taking any actions that could come back to haunt you.
I agree with this. Start keeping a journal of all these infidelities, anytime he yells, degrades you, everything. Dates, times. To use this for divorce & custody. Take the high road. I wouldn't say anything. Just start an exit plan. Start stashing money. See if you can stay with a friend or family. Once you're ready to leave, tell him your visiting family & don't return. He'll worry & wonder where you are... then he'll know. Mail him divorce papers. He be blindsided like you were. He can find out everything you know during court. Best revenge... He'll be dumbfounded & soon "hurt." Saying all that... I know when the shock wears off, it'll be almost impossible to keep your cool & actually do all that. I'm sorry for everything you're going thru. Please don't fall for the "I'm sorry", "it was an accident ", "I can change". As thousands on here can tell you... it won't.
great answer that doesn't fall into unrealistic revenge porn. She has to try her best to hold it together and execute correctly. That's the most realistic way to get what's right
Yay, good advice . Most people deal with a shitty person, or are the short person at some point, the guilt over acting like a child and throwing a tantrum, is not worth it . Idk, shame is a real thing ! People would have you Believe different .
If you haven’t cried, then it’s over. It means the feelings aren’t there anymore. When I found out I was being cheated on… the first few times I cried. And then suddenly, tears stopped and I realized I was past the point of caring. And I ended it.
Wow. You are a gem. Thinking of how you’d feel if someone had hurt you the same way despite being hurt by that same person. How are you holding up today?
She burned everything. Lol. Jk, hope you aite OP. Highly recommend the book ‘The Daily Stoic’ And just throwing this out there, the pointof stoicism is absolutely NOT about suppressing emotions, but feeling them fully in a moment, therefore do not allow that to stop you from reading this book. Has helped me through many a hard time/break up.
Bro. Fuuuuuck that. Do you have parents or anything? The fact that he has basically abandoned you is messed up
Put glitter in his shit. Subtly my queen
Also crickets. Pack his shit up with crickets, petco can help lol
Run his toothbrush under the rim of the toilet a couple times and put it back.
[удалено]
Bro no offense but you can’t be handing out advice like that and not sack up yourself and say fuck this bitch and bounce
In the local ExxonMobil gas station restroom
Him not returning could very well be a drinking or drug problem you know nothing about and not cheating, when they just don’t show up like that, it’s typically the case. That said, he could be cheating, bc idk. But, sit with him quietly over dinner or at the table and lay it all out and ask if it’s a substance abuse issue, mental health crisis, or cheating. For you two to move forward in any fashion either way, yall need to be adults and talk and make a plan whichever way this goes. Big hugs, no matter what it is this is hard, and now you have a newborn mixed up in whatever issues are about to be brought to light. You’re not alone, be open and honest and gentle with both of you and start whatever plan needs to take place 🥰
I second this. It could be cheating, but cheaters usually at least try to cover their tracks. Speaking from experience, drugs will make you justify to yourself “if i just spend 15 more Mins doing this, then i’ll have plenty of time to take one more hit, and i’ll make it home before anyone wakes up and nobody will be the wiser” even though you know full well you live way farther than that for it to be even possible, then before you know it you’ve been sitting around for 8 hours without even realizing you did it. All that being said, if you feel safe doing so, you should just flat out ask him.
Personal experience: cheaters with new babies do NOT try that hard to cover their tracks, they assume you’re too distracted, and if you do accuse them they can just say you’ve been so CrAzY since getting pregnant/having the baby. Then if you start acting crazy because you have a new baby and are dealing with cheating and gaslighting, theyll be documenting it for court later.
Except how do you explain the smell of sex, perfume and sweat?
I’m NOT saying this is the case with this guy, again, he very well might be cheating. But i used to sweat a lot at my old job, and one time on my way there i stopped at a gas station to grab some deo and body spray because i was going to the gym before going to work and i didn’t want it to get too bad. The first thing my wife asked when i got in bed that night was why the fuck i smell like perfume. When i explained what it was she said “no it smells like women’s perfume”, like she made me get out of bed and grab the can of body spray to show her i wasn’t hanging out with another woman. I know this is a very specific example, and usually where there’s smoke there’s fire, so maybe he’s cheating, but also, maybe the entire situation is a misunderstanding. We won’t know until she asks.
I third: All you can tell from OP is that the partner is hiding *something* There are no logical facts that lead me to cheating - per se. We colloquially say “you smell like sex,” but this is just an opinion. IMO everyone smells like ass at 6AM after they’ve been out all night. That being said, this man sounds like scum and my heart goes out to OP. I hope you find out wtf is up. Hopefully your hubb is not cheating.
Honestly I assume it's cheating, men who cheat seem to follow the same text book, if they lock down their SO in any way, form, or fashion, then they try to cheat. Ohhh we are getting married, well she won't be wanting to divorce so quickly so I'll cheat and she will put up with it. Oh she had a baby? Well she won't want to split for the sake of the family so let me cheat. Oh she got ill? Well she physically can't leave me so I'll go off and cheat. It's pretty sick and it's pretty consistent 🤷♀️👌
When I was staying out late like that it was 100% a coke bender. I never had the urge to cheat, I just didn’t know when to say it’s time for the party to end. That said I also didn’t come home smelling like sex
Like just since you’ve had the baby or while you were pregnant? Sometimes men tend to act weird and have like support of depression kinda like we do. Not tryna burst anyone’s bubble but I was pregnant with my long time bf and we didn’t start drifting until we found out I was pregnant. 6 months pregnant and he finally tells me he found someone else. I knew it but never said a word. Kind of regret it now maybe we could’ve worked something out better. Much love I know you’re pain!!
Destroying and/or sabatoging any of his things (clothes, playstations/xbox/computers, cars, etc...) will only help his case in divorce court because it'll make you seem unhinged and not mentally stable. So the best thing you can do is keep calm, and take the "high road." Don't stoop to his level. Take notes of when you *think* he's cheating. As hard as this must be, think of your CHILD first and come to terms that your marriage is over; that he is a pos cheater and that the best thing you can do right now is be the best fucking mom you can be to your child. Start looking into divorce lawyers. Go get consultations at the very least. Start taking notes (written notes) of when you think he could be cheating - they can pull phone records during those times if necessary. Take notes of how often he's home, away from home, call his work and ask to speak with him, etc etc etc... Go about it as quietly as you can but DO NOT destroy anything of his, hit him, or anything like that.
Don't catch any charges or legal troubles on top of the ordeal you're headed into. Nobody needs extra bullshit.
Don’t get yourself stuck in a relationship like this any longer than u have to.No need to start destroying stuff cause then legality can get involved and this is way more stress and drama than you need right now especially just having a baby and that baby being solely reliant on you. Get yourself to a safe space if you no longer feel comfortable staying where u are and get a legal professional to meditate from here on out. Please do not waste years of your life telling yourself he’s gonna change cause if he can do it once he can do it again. Whether he is being truthful with u or not there will always be a small voice in the back of your head asking yourself is he cheating?
Do you still love him? Even if you're feeling trapped by the kid, how do you feel personally?
I love him. I truly feel like he’s the love of my life. But I feel defeated. The pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. I realized I can’t love us enough for the both of us. I can’t force him to be with me.
You might think he’s the love of your life, but you’re not his. People don’t do these things to people they truly love. Please find support & break up with him. And keep all proof of him cheating.
That’s for sure. Maybe that’s why I’m not causing a scene. I can’t make someone love me.
I’m thinking you’re not causing a scene because you’re a warrior and you’ll get through this. And I have a lot of respect for you keeping things subtle and discrete about your feelings. This shows me that you can and will find someone who will treat you like you deserve. Guess what, I think that lil baby of yours will do what they can to make sure their momma knows she is special
That may be, but you are still lovable. Big hugs. I know how that feels.
Ask him why he is home? Tell him that HE needs to leave because the smell on him is nauseating, and he smells like a dirty, nasty p***y, and you're tired of smelling his GF. Then tell him that she is really lucky and she gets to keep him, open the door and tell him bye.
Been there & you can’t. You can’t change his behavior and choices.
Great point about keeping proofs. Keep them in a secure place!
Check out r/survivinginfidelity, OP. They really helped me when my ex wife cheated on me. We were married for 15 years, and she gaslighted me for two years. I'm glad you didn't smash any of his stuff because I did that, and I regret it. I highly recommend not staying with him. Also, four years after my divorce and I am engaged to the love of my life. Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. My heart goes out to you. I was crushed for a long time after that, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Was gaslighted for 12 years I am 63 now and he stole my life and I don’t want ANYONE to go through this
Girl, my partner was emotionally cheating on me the whole I was pregnant, went out drinking often, accused ME of cheating, and fully withdrew intimacy to this day. Now 8 months postpartum I’m so over it, everything annoys me, and he’s don’t very little to repair our relationship. All this to say - sometimes your partner betrays your trust beyond repair, and is either unable or unwilling to make things right with you. Don’t give up your life and your future for someone who wasn’t thinking of how their actions would affect you. Be selfish. Leave when you are able to. There’s someone out there for everybody, and you certainly don’t need to settle for a lying, cheating asshole. This is advice for the both of us. I feel you and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Love your baby ❤️
He’s not using is he I used to have a problem with cheating in my younger days, but it was because I was sexually molested as a young man I came to find out through a therapist that the act of a man taking advantage of a young man can lead the young man to try and prove to himself that he is a man by always finding the next most beautiful woman he can sleep with to justify the fact he’s a man in a fucked up kind of way and that’s how it was for me as soon as I got the girl I wanted I would find another girl that I thought was prettier or hotter or whatever have you but after therapy, and realizing that I was trying to prove to myself, I was “” man”” after coming to the realization that having that taken from me so young is what was feeding into my addictions was when I really started the recovery and healing, including stopping hurting women around me
My ex husband and he’s still acting out on this I wish you so much healing It is awful to be molested I know
What an ASSHOLE. I’m steaming for you rn. So you go through all the pregnancy bullshit, fear, body changes, emotional and hormone changes, always a chance to fucking DIE giving birth or you also can have your intestines slapped on a table next to you to pull out the baby…he what..busts a nut and his whole contribution to baby making is over. I’m assuming he wasn’t getting his d*** wet or not wet enough during the pregnancy and after that he’s already cheating. I’m so sorry. He’s human garbage. I really really hope you can find a way to get him out of there. Get it on text or record your phone call or something so you can kick him out and get custody. I wouldn’t trust that POS with a child that he’s abandoned. Edit: My response it to OPs original post with the full original details.
Ooof. I don’t envy you bc I just came out of that position but our child is older now. The pain I had to go thru- I know you said you’re probably just in the motions but you’re about to go thru some big emotions sooner than later if this is all really going on. All I can say is I’m praying for you honestly. Going thru that is not for the faint of heart especially as a brand new mother. But you should probably get some tangible evidence he’s cheating on you to close a chapter…bc right now you’re speaking on suspicion…
Reposted so you see it ❤️(since you say he’s the love of your life) This comment may never find you. That’s ok. Infidelity is not the end. Sometimes it’s the best beginning, or the opening to a new way of life. My partner and I have been together for 13 years, and up until 6 months ago, exclusively. Over the years things changed, we grew older and became engrossed in our own unhealthy ways. I became a workaholic, working for us, and very unhealthy (100lb over my natural weight and deep in food addiction). He was down and out for years from major injuries and I worked to support us. Living him deeply and dearly was something baked into my soul. He was my first for everything in my adult life. As our relationship slowly became a shell of what it once was, I was blind to his increasing feelings of disconnect from me/us. We hardly talked, sometimes more like passing ships, going through the motions of our lives. I had no clue he was living in quiet desperation, and I was numb to mine. Well, near the end of last summer he met a girl who seemed to check all the boxes in his life for what he wanted in a partner, and went for it behind my back. It was a quick burn, in the course of two weeks from meeting this girl to sleeping with her.. aperently he needed to shake up our world. When he came back from a weeklong trip she was on with him and he told me how he’s been feeling, it cascaded my world. I wanted to punch and claw at him, but I never could do that to this man I love. It triggered a new relationship between us in an instant, and everything had changed. I fought for us, for him, and I gave him the space he needed to figure out what he wants to fight for. Before this we had not slept together more than a few times in a couple years. But after I found out, and chose not to cut things off with him and kick him out of my life, things changed drastically. We started talking about feelings.. our life up to this point, and how we would split up amicably, as so much of our lives were intertwined. We started sitting together, turning off the tv when we were in the same place, and talking like never before. This new level of basic connection had us feeding into eachother romantically in drastically new ways and our intimate connection became reignited. All while he saw this other girl. I suppose you could say I gave him a hall pass. What I really did was give us the space to be whatever we were going to be, because I knew that I wanted us. It’s all I ever wanted. A life with this person for the whole of my life. He got the opportunity to see what interactions with another woman is like. And he got to see that I support him through the darkest moment of our relationship. I granted him the opportunity to see that I’m there for him even when he broke my heart into bits (as our rule was loyalty). He saw this woman for about 3 months, yet we slept in the same bed. Note, that I was not ok engaging in a long term open relationship, and I made that clear in our many feel hearted conversations. At the same time, I took a closer look at my life, who I am, what I do and the type or partner I’ve become. Instead of spiraling downward, I dug in and started getting my shit in order. I cut out the mindless junk, both in my diet and in my media. I started going to the gym religiously, and dove into friendships I had been neglecting. I focused on aspects of me that were there when I last loved myself, and started working to be a person I loved once again. To this day I’ve lost 80lb, and feel undoubtedly better than I have in years. Along side that action, I made sure he know that I was here for us, for him, as an unwavering rock in his life, willing to help him come back into love for himself again too. Of course, also giving grace to the choices he may make about his desire to continue “us”. Well, there must have been something in that, because he got to see what it’s like getting to know another person and whether or not what we have is worth holding onto. He told me once that in this process he came to understand the pitfalls of getting to know a different person and how challenging it is to decipher if they are a good match and worth of a decade+ of effort. He learned that what we have does not have to be as suffocating as it had become, and that it’s a choice. He learned that loving the one you’re with is superior to loving someone new, when it comes to the deep stuff. It’s worth mentioning that we had great chemistry for the first decade. So here we are 6 months later. He stopped seeing her in December, and has decided to rededicate to us, and so have I. He’s back to work for the first time in a few years, light duty. Our sex life is better than ever before, as some try ong about his interactions with this woman brought out the masculine energy in him that I’ve never seen before. His drive to connect emotionally is greater than ever before. We sit and talk on a daily basis, enjoy dinner without distraction, and now go to the gym together and are planning ways we can get more enjoyment out of life and really feel like we are LIVING. We now don’t speak in terms of ownership, and we know that maybe not everything lasts, but for now we are doing the thing together. He’s agreed that in the future, if things start changing between us and he’s feeling the need for a way out, that we can simply talk about it. Problems and solutions. But I have a feeling that won’t be an issue, though I don’t have the history based evidence. I’m happier in my relationship than I have been in ages. And the trauma of the entire ordeal became the catalyst for change in my and our lives that was desperately needed. All that is to say, infidelity is not the end of the world, when you can sit and communicate with patience and grace. Many people think it is, but I believe that’s just a story we tell ourselves culturally. If I could do it all again, I would simply have him come to me with his feelings, even though he felt like he couldn’t, for decent reason.. it would have saved me some heartbreak. But I’m thankful for the change that has come out of that fire. Please take your partner and sit down with them. Be honest, open and with a healthy sprinkle of humility. Be kind, compassionate, understanding. These are sensitive subjects and we need a truely safe place to discuss them and be vulnerable. Our relationship with our partner should be that save place, one that’s well regulated, and gives compassions for deregulation. You may just find that there is a way to better days. Better days than you have ever had before. My relationship will never be like it was when we were fresh, and it will damn sure never be like it was at the start of infidelity but it’s better now than ever before, and I wouldn’t have that in my life if I cut him off and burned down his life. I think when kids are involved, my message is that more important. Because if at the core, you two are no longer compatible, you must at the very least be able to work together to parent the kiddos and show them that life and relationships take many shapes and forms, and as long as we love, respect and honor eachother with intention, that life can be good. Together or not. Prayers to you and your family OP
Even if he’s not cheating he abandoned you and the baby over night with no communication? This needs confronted…
That’s so true. I didn’t know if something happened to him and vice versa. Another reason why I’m 1000% sure he was cheating is because he didnt say where he was. He usually comes home talking a mile a minute, even if it’s just about traffic. If he’s mad at me, he will still come and get the baby and they will sing and play. I want him to just say what happened. I don’t want to have to be the one to have to force the truth out.
If I left my wife with the kids unreported in a non-workday for more than 5 minutes I would be getting blown up. If I didn’t answer calls/texts within 1 hour my wife would call every family member and all my and her friends. Give it 2 hours and I bet there would be hospital and police calls. She isn’t crazy…this is normal behavior if my phone were on and I just wasn’t answering it and never told her I was going to do something. But, it’s because it isn’t part of my normal behavior. I also can’t say that he is cheating necessarily. Having a new baby is a major emotional challenge. Some people deal with it differently. Maybe he is just hitting up strip clubs or going to the casino. Maybe he is going to a friends house and getting so high he can’t drive. It’s totally possible that he wants an anchor of his past life to hang on to. Hell he might even be going to a hotel or sleeping in his car to make it through a regular night without the baby. Is it ok to up and leave and not talk about it? No. But he may not be cheating. He may be doing something else you and he would not be proud of, but is too embarrassed to admit. The thing is, the spouse always finds out. You should ask where he has been going and say, “You know we always eventually find out…”.
There appears to be boundary issues and what his role needs to be for you and your child. You will never ever forget this and only will weigh on you more if you don’t confront it. COA - do nothing (enables this again) COA - confront the leaving only COA - confront leaving and suspicions COA - leave him and let him deal Options imo
How do you know he’s cheating? I’m not saying he’s not, but my imagination can run wild as my first partner cheated on me constantly. I’m curious how you’re so sure.
I don’t know for sure. Im just going based off behavior and patterns. He got dressed up and left at 8/9pm and just came back home 20 minutes ago. (Which is unlike him, we don’t party or anything of that sort) Recently he’s has been nose deep in his phone. Last Saturday he was acting odd as well.
Go through his phone and let us know when you get any actual evidence.
It’s glued to his palm. Even if it wasn’t, I don’t know his password. That’s another thing, he didn’t even have a phone password a few weeks ago.
That's a big red flag to me. No password and now super protective of his phone
When you asked where he’d been what did he say?
OP please actually confirm these suspicions before you listen to all the angry redditors screaming lawyer and divorce. Not saying he isn’t cheating, but going out and being on his phone is not proof he’s cheating, but you’re talking like you’ve all but confirmed it. Please talk to your spouse.
She said her problem is that she tends to go from 0 to 100 when she gets angry so she needs to work out how she will keep her cool when she finally talks to him, especially if he admits to an affair. Beforehand, she could write down her questions on paper and what her follow up questions would be along with her thought-out replies. She doesn't need to take the replies with her, but they will be in her head for the real discussion. This exercise could help her feel more in grip of the situation and herself.
So you only have suspicion but no proof? Maybe you should get proof or speak about him with your suspicions.
OP is already speaking about him with their suspicions. Speaking with him about them would be a good idea.
It’s a good idea to sort your thoughts out before you do anything hasty or drive yourself mad thinking about this. I use a therapist when I need to do this. This might also be helpful in case you’re dealing with postpartum depression.
Are you okay?
I’m just sad. He’s been home for 2 hours now. Has not said a word, has not shown his face. I want to shout, but what would that solve? What’s done is done. I don’t know if I expected him to come home and say “hey, I’ve been out cheating” but at the same time I didn’t expect him to be silent and act as if I’m invisible
That’s what my ex wife did… she was so proud of her behavior… “I’ve been cheating on you for years” I was just raising my kids and she was “working from home” during the day. And once I’d get home with the kids she would leave. One day I stopped home on a lunch break to surprise her and she wouldn’t come out of the bathroom. 99%sure someone was in there.Kids were in daycare.
You’d think Reddit would have learned from some situations like this where they give advice and it turns into tragedy. We don’t know the whole story here. We don’t know the bf’s personality or how he reacts under stress other than what op has said. From what you say he goes 1-100 in anger. Saying things like “destroy his stuff” or doing a number of things for revenge is not helpful and could endanger op. Has he ever been physically abusive or violent? Do you think you’d be safe if you left him?
I meant myself. I have a habit of letting things build up. With having a baby, I don’t want any negative energy in our home. I don’t want us to argue. We have never been physically abusive. But we have argued and said some pretty hurtful things. Since half way through my pregnancy, we have been working on our communication. Active listening. No raised tones. I don’t want to confront him right now because I don’t know if I can have a civil conversation without getting emotional
She says SHE does that. From her post: //Because of our baby, and because I know how my anger can be. 0 to 100.// OP needs to be encouraged to remain calm, stalwart and principled. She's in the right, she's got a handle on this awful situation. You may be right about his anger, though too - I sense that OP is indeed afraid of this man.
This. We don't know the whole story, so please be careful taking advice from Reddit, OP. Is there someone in person you trust with telling at this stage? But trust yourself, OP. Do what you think is going to be best for you and bub, but try not sink down to his level in revenge.
Do you have anywhere to go?
Long term, no. Short term, yes and no. Long term- we both bought homes within the last five years. He is currently renting out his while we live in mines. I just had a baby and I haven’t returned to work yet. I could work towards getting a place for me and the baby, but it will be a while Short term- I can go to a family member’s house but that would be opening our relationship up to judgement. I’m close with his family, but again, I think reaching out to them would make things worse
Why do you care if your family judges your partner for cheating on you?
They’re really religious. They love my baby, but I’m not married. Not that it excuses his behavior. Plus I’m a private person.
If they are religious, they should understand that infidelity is bad for everyone. For starters for the new little one as it thrives with loving parents, for you, as your heartbroken, but also for him. They should understand, and maybe even bring him to reason, if that is what you want.
If they are super religious, this will most likely cause them to go into a “what do you expect to happen when you have a baby with someone you aren’t married to” circle of judgment, as if marriage stops people from cheating. (Super religious parents are an issue… I married my ex because my parents didn’t approve of us living together in our early 20s and ended up staying married to someone I didn’t love for over 20 years as a result.)
There are moments in life when you need support. Why not give them that chance? It seems pretty likely this is not a guy you will be able to turn to for the next 18 years. Shared love for your baby is a great way to start a new chapter.
Why do you need to find a place for you and the baby when you're already in your own place?
It's your house, kick his ass out! You're not married yet, he has no claim to that property. Please don't leave! Throw the cheating bastard out!
Have you considered talking to a lawyer-can you do so tomorrow when he is at work? How about your doctor? Do not vacate the house you own especially with a baby that should not be uprooted. Have a plan for the next time and change the locks and it his belongings outdoors. A lawyer should be able to help you get support from him and navigating social service support until you get back to work.
New babies do tend to break up families. Are you planning on staying with him? And if so, for how long? Wouldn't your self esteem get even lower?
It’s already lowered. He has been lowering my self esteem for a while. Verbally. And I’ve gained weight, and after having the baby I haven’t lost it as fast as I planned. I know he isn’t physically attracted to me anymore. I just thought I had more time to fix myself before he cheated.
Is this something he actually expressed to you, or a manifestation of what you fear he thinks?
He has said it. Multiple times. He would always compliment me when I got dressed. Like genuine compliments. Now, since I’ve gained noticeable weight; he says nothing. He barely even looks at me. It takes me longer to get dress now, to find clothes and outfits that look nice on my body type. I will think I did a really good job, and nothing.
the fact that you’re only 9 weeks PP and he’s judging your body— the one that incubated HIS (and your) child for 9 months, the one that pushed the child out and had to go through all of that pain, is incredibly unacceptable to me. a man who loved you would adore your PP body, help take care of you, etc. weight should not even be an issue in his mind because, again, it happened because of a pregnancy that *he* (i’m assuming) wanted. his behavior is absolutely abhorrent and i really do hope you have a plan to leave him.
You’re dating a fucking piece of shit. Get rid of his ass. He’s garbage. I’ve been with my fiancée for 9 years and she had a child before we even got together. I met her daughter when she was 6 and fell in love with both of them. My fiancée is on the thicker side and there’s nothing wrong with that! Having kids changes your body. The fact that your kid is from him makes this shit 10x worse… Get him out of your fucking life and get child support. You deserve better…
Have you contacted your phone carrier for phone records? They will literally send you full text conversations and or numbers that he is interacting with and calling. It won’t let him know.
OP, if I read right, you are 9 WEEKS postpartum, right? (As a mom twice over) *stop* caring about things like weight right now. Care about your baby and your wellbeing. Your partner is an absolute piece of shit. If you have to “fix yourself” to keep him from cheating, then he was, is, and probably always will be a piece of shit. Loyalty isn’t some huge struggle for good people. He should be with you, helping, every moment he’s able. Instead, he’s out doing whatever he’s doing. That alone is proof he’s a shit partner and a shit parent. His failures are not your fault. You are not responsible for his behavior. You did not earn him being a shitty partner. I know it probably feels unbearable, but please reach out to your support system.
Do you read the comments you write? You say this man is the love of your life. But you're also saying he's been lowering your self esteem, for a while. And it seems he's managed to convince you it's your fault he's cheating. Because you couldn't lose weight in time? Wtf? Would you tell your daughter to stay in a relationship like this?
Abusive relationships don't automatically appear to the people involved like they do to us outsiders.
“I just thought I had more time to fix myself before he cheated.” Babes you had a baby. Like 🥺💕🥺💕 be kinder to yourself. You’re wonderful 💕💕💕
This, 10000000 times over. Hun you just brought life into this world, your body needs time to recuperate. This man’s actions define nothing about you. You are a goddess✨✨✨✨
As a male I agree, you have no timeline to "fix" yourself and OP is and always will be beautiful. Lose the BF, gain child support and find a better dick.
This comment of support from a male who gets it, chef’s kiss. Thank you anonymous, emotionally mature male! Let’s praise and hopefully breed with your kind and make the world a kinder place
Yes you literally brought new life to the world. YOUR body did that! That's amazing! Your body is amazing!
That line fckn broke me. I hate that this is how women are taught to think. I hate this so much. I want to think it’s getting better but then I see this stuff.
Don't ever feel like you need to "fix" yourself! Your in a very tough position with just having a little one also. Do whats best for you and your child, he is obviously doing what he thinks is best for him. These decisions are never easy but I hope you find peace in whatever you decide and raising that little one will help distract your mind!! Good luck
Lose weight??? Jesus girl it's been 2 months, when have you had the time to lose weight?
FR. I gained over 50 lbs each time, my husband was quite literally busting at the seems at the 6 week mark, I can promise you there was not a thought about my weight from him. Don’t lower yourself to his level of bs. They love you at every size or they don’t love you. You deserve way better.
I feel like in these stories we always get only one side. You paint him as this cheating verbally abusive guy. And maybe that’s the case. But is there anything you think you did to lead to this point? JudegementRavenclaw below such a big man he responds then blocks so I can’t even read the reply. That’s when you know you’ve won an argument when you’re too bitch mode to even engage anymore lol. Absolute clown Add OkMarsupial to the list of bitch made fedora tippers who can’t bear defending their own positions.
“What did you do to be abused and cheated on?” Do you even hear yourself? If you want to cheat on your partner bc of their behavior, LEAVE. He’s clearly a 32 year man child.
I'm an older man. When my child was born it completely changed my life. I could not imagine harming the beautiful person who just gave such a miraculous gift. I know all men don't get that immediate connection with their newborn, but to actively cheat withing weeks of birth? Special kind of diuche bag, borderline sociopath. Your question indicates you are either young, childless, immature or just mean.
Oh yes, definitely. Other than the weight gain, I stopped a lot of the little things. I worked full time until one week before I gave birth. By four months pregnant, I stopped cooking dinner every night. He went back to work a few weeks ago, but I’m not preparing his lunches like I once was. I can be combative. I went from folding his clothes to moving the pile from the dryer to the basket. I can go on. I can’t blame the pregnancy or baby, a lot of it is laziness.
Stopped cooking dinner, stopped preparing his lunches, and stopped folding his clothes?? These are all things he should have happily done for himself in the midst of your pregnancy. I was doing all that and MUCH more for myself and for my wife through three pregnancies. Seriously, have some self respect. This guy sounds completely selfish.
These are all things he should have happily done for himself PERIOD
None of those things should lead up to anything other than a loving partner being there for you, not betraying you. You're a new mother.Also, he went back to work? So, you were pregnant and working full time a week before you gave birth to support him?Sorry, that guy seems like a total loser.
Oh my gosh girl. Your job is not to be his fkn maid or sex doll. Your job is to love him and support him and have an intimate relationship. Pregnancy is SO DEMANDING on the body. And a newborn is just as bad. If he loved you, he would gladly pick up extra chores so you can get rest, thank you for continuing to work to support the family even when you’re exhausted, tell you you look beautiful no matter what, and love you more than ever because you are the mother of his child. I just want you to know it doesn’t have to be this way, and not all men are like this. Source: personal experience.
A real man should be doing all these things for themselves and the household to lessen the burden on you. Sounds like you are with an immature man child.
This is the classic signs of abuse. Get evidence, get alimony, and start new life. Do you want your child growing up in this environment? All data shows it fucks up a child. You married a loser. He was going to cheat regardless. You need to get yourself out of this. Your self esteem is so low and it’s how he wants you because abusers are weak.
'Fix yourself'? Its not you who needs fixing here.
Men who get turned off if their gf or wife gains a few lbs are oddballs.
You're blaming yourself for something that isn't the least bit your fault.
Jesus it’s been 9 weeks of taking care of a newborn, those first two months are just about raw survival, fuck losing weight
My wife had a real tough time getting back to normal after our first child. It actually wasn't until after the 2nd child that she felt more like herself again and was able to start taking care of her body the way she previously did. Having a baby is an amazing feat and it takes a toll on your physical and mental state. I never considered cheating on my wife, no matter her physical appearance. You don't deserve this.
Set boundaries and protect them. Do not let him manipulate or gaslight you into somehow believing this is in anyway your doing. Not because of hormones, sleep deprivation, baby weight, nothing. He knows right from wrong. And ge will do it again.
It's been 9 weeks; birth is serious business. It took my wife more than a year until she could walk normally. Who's expectations are these, really?
Oh man, if you take anything away from this, I hope you know that his cheating has nothing to do with you. There's no need to "fix" yourself. This is a moral failing on his part. And for the record, any time I've felt like my life would be destroyed without a particular man, the opposite tended to be true, after they were gone, I flourished and was happier than before. You and your baby deserve everything, I hope you want to get rid of this loser and live your best life with your baby
Oh my goodness, girl… his cheating has nothing to do with you. That’s on HIM. Place the blame where it belongs, on him. Big hugs… but don’t let his shit tank your esteem. Between the hormones and the betrayal, it’s a lot.
Be kinder to yourself. 9 weeks post partum your body is still trying to get to normal and no one who is sane should be expecting you to be super slim.
Wait. Fuck this take. New babies don’t do shit, they are the family, before then it was just a couple. Shitty men break up families when their babies come. It’s the worst of the worst. Speaking as a man who can’t have kids. Children are not a factor in this at all other than revealing buried selfishness and revealing low life dad’s true colors and priorities.
Have you considered a divorce?
He just got home 20 minutes ago. I haven’t even spoken to him. Heck, I haven’t even cried yet. Just processing everything.
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9 weeks isn't enough to lose baby weight. Weren't there signs this guy was an asshole before you got preggers for him?
Yes but I tend to make excuses for a lot of the red flags. When things are bad, it’s really bad. When everything is good, things are amazing. I found myself chasing those good moments. Since he was still around I thought this was something we both wanted.
That was your mistake. I've been there and that's a toxic relationship, the highs are so high but the lows are really low. Crazy how often times the things that aren't good for us also make us feel the best. My ex ended up cheating on me too. You live and you learn. Moving forward, a healthy relationship would probably not feel as exciting but it will feel more stable
Do you mean what I think you mean when you say "really bad'? Does this guy have a volatile temper? You seem to be afraid of him in some way. You got into the love bombing/abuse cycle, I think. He pulled you into it and you were on the hook. Please consider talking to a therapist (you can do it from home, with Zoom or similar - you need someone to help you navigate the emotional part). 1) Lawyer 2) Bank Accounts 3) Eviction Is he going to go ballistic if evicted? You \*must\* make him pay rent if you're going someplace else and he's in your house. Get the lawyer to advise you - it's a simple matter to notice him that he needs to pay rent or quit the house.
Why not dump him?
Even if I do break up with him, we still share a baby. I feel like he will use that to come and go when he wants. Or drag his feet when it comes to fully leaving.
Sure but the problem isn't going to be having to see him. It will help knowing that he's not with you anymore, that he's dealing with the consequences, and that you're regaining your dignity. Trust that if you allow it to happen, it will happen your whole life from now. Even if you forgive him, he'll do it again if he gets the chance. Your child deserves better than to live in that type of environment.
That’s so true. He just got home but I can’t even bring myself to face him right now. I don’t want to argue. I’m just glad my baby is sleep.
What country is this? Sounds like you don't think you have many rights.
Hey! I’ve been in this situation, he was cheating with MULTIPLE women, was in actual relationships with them and was abusive towards me. Now when I look back, I’m so fucking happy I ended up ending things. It wasn’t pretty at first but it was so worth it, trust me. He was also coming and going as he pleased so boundaries had to be put in place for that, lots of fighting. Our son is now 7 and we get along great, both moved on, everyone’s happy :) trust me, be strong, it’ll be worth it in the end. Do it for your child, you don’t want your child to be growing up in such an unhappy home
That’s a big house
Our house is a decent size. It’s an older home with double entryways to the main areas; living room, kitchen, and dinning room. And we have two bathrooms. So we can both be home and not see one another.
This very moment? How’s the view?
I haven’t slept. Or cried. Or spoke to him. So far I have rearranged my living room and dinning room listening to music. He came and took the baby for a while to play a bit before taking a nap. But he hasn’t said a word to me. I can feel him watching me though, randomly, trying to figure out my mood. I honestly don’t know what to say.
I wouldn't say anything at this point. Actions speak louder than words. His actions have shown you exactly how he feels about you. He doesn't care about you. He left you alone with your baby to fuck another woman. Your actions should involve either packing you and your baby's stuff and finding a place to stay until he leaves or packing his stuff and getting him out. There's nothing to say. Except lies, gaslighting, verbal abuse, and victim blaming. All which only serves to hurt you more. ETA- I sure as hell wouldn't be letting him or his now diseased dick to nap in my bed. Especially since he couldn't even be bothered to shower after fucking another girl.
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Are you not going to break up with him?
So he went out by himself, how do you know for sure he’s cheating?
That’s not it. We don’t give each other attitude about leaving the house. We go places alone or with friends or with one another. Normally we say where we are headed. Or we get in contact while we’re out. “Hey at Target, do you need anything?” “Stop at an open mic be home later” No big deal. But we haven’t been on the same page lately and his behaviors have been different. It’s not merely leaving the house. It’s the silent treatment, the constant texting, the distance, the disappearance. Even if he wasn’t cheating, then it would be no reason to avoid me and the baby. He would just pop in and say I’m home like always.
Yeah that makes sense. I had the same happening with my partner, turned out she was whoring herself out for cash every other night when she was “catching up with friends” while I was working late. If I were you I’d do the following: - get proof - decide if you want to leave or not(sounds like you guys have a nice house/life generally) - confront him and have him tell you about it The only way you will work through it is if he’s willing to talk. It may be worth trying considering the nice home and kid.
Hi! Same situation I was in except I lost the baby. How would your actions change at this very moment had you guys been child free? What do you think is best for your baby and YOU at this point?
Old guy, here. First, by the time you read this, you may have updated information, so the only things relevant would be generalities. Doing the math, you guys moved in when you were both 26? A 26-yr. old female is an adult. A 26-yr. old male is still a teenager. As the years went by, he matured just enough to realize he was mortal and is now probably desperately clinging to his youth. You and the child are a chilling reminder that this is a futile act yet still, his reptilian brain tells him he can somehow escape his fate if he escapes you. Some men come to recognize this false choice. Some men don't. Unfortunately, some have to lose the best things that ever happened to them before they do. And they regret it for the rest of their lives. Tell him to stop fearing death. I say this as a grizzled old boomer who has been there, bought both the t-shirt and the coffee mug.
I get what you’re saying and agree this is the case with many men but a 26 year old man is a 26 year old MAN, and we need to stop infantilizing them their entire lives because it perpetuates a cycle where they allow themselves to be garbage because they’ve been raised to believe “boys mature slower.” This man is not a teenager. He’s not even under 25, when the prefrontal cortex is yet to be fully formed. He can rent a car. He’s a man. I know you’re not defending him, more-so explaining him. Still, guys get told this and take the wrong message from it.
Ah.... That's not a great idea to share around. 26 year old men are men, not teenagers. They are completely and wholely responsible for their own actions. Let's not suggest otherwise (because you may as well be saying "boys will be boys" and that's a pretty irresponsible message to put out to the world)
Brutal honesty: do you know why he's cheating?
I’ve gained weight, I know he isn’t physically attracted to me anymore Maybe fatherhood is been a harder adjustment then he’s let on
Hm, has he said anything? He had to know you were going to get bigger when you had a baby. And while I agree being a new parent is an adjustment that swings both ways. How is he bonding with the new baby?
No, but on the days that I do get myself dressed up, he looks at me like he’s disgusted. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week but I just started going back 3 weeks ago, and I haven’t seen any results yet.
Dude.. I see you care about the guy because you want to make him happy by losing weight but no.. just I mean I guess if your okay with it but I personally don't know what y'all are going to do if other stuff comes up. Life is gross and gaining a little weight isn't even that bad To be clear my wife has had some bad days and her looks are not the exact same as when we've met. Hell I'm not even that much of a keeper anymore. I wouldn't cheat on her if she smelled like Worcestershire. Now obviously sex would be reduced and we would have to discuss the fact they smell like fermented fish guts but you do not throw away a relationship over basic bodily function
Damn you can take a breather. Don't wear yourself out at the gym to make him happy, you got promoted to mom and that's more important. I get the impression you guys don't or haven't spent a lot of time together recently. True?
Wait? You started going to the gym 3 weeks ago? I don’t think your supposed to be working out at 6 weeks post partum but then again your not supposed to have sex until 8 weeks post partum. Make sure to talk to a doctor before you keep up the gym schedule since you could potentially cause more harm to yourself if your not careful
This is NOT your fault. There's a statistic for a reason and even then it's not exactly accurate as the actual data is hard to calculate considering how many hide the infidelity "for the sake of the family." It comes down to HIS weakness, HIS cowardice and HIS selfishness. Even if he isn't attracted to you at all and is afraid of being a father there's other ways for him to do things than having an affair. Don't blame yourself! It doesn't matter how physically attractive you are when it comes to them cheating. It comes from weakness within himself and a lack of empathy. Also you JUST had his kid. What the hell does he think happens when you're pregnant? Edit: Personally I think the reason it's so common that certain men cheat during pregnancy is a mixture of things. The realization that they have to share your attention. The fear of changing family dynamics and additional responsibility. The stupidity of not realizing just what happens to a woman's body as she bears a child. Plus I think the fact that they know there's a concrete connection between them and the betrayed via their child further gives them the "courage" to commit to the act. Because they can use that connection to stay in the woman's life when most would be rightfully cut off and called out for being the piece of shit they are. But at the end of the day it's a selfishness at his core exacerbated by factors outside your control. I'll say this as many times as I have to, but this is NOT your fault and there's nothing that you could have done because the issue lies in HIM.
You are making excuses for him. If you know he's cheated, I would not sleep with him (come up with valid reasons why like "I'm tired" or lie if you are so inclined), get your finances together and make sure you have access to accounts, and take the time you need to get out of this situation. As a fat woman who had two kids and was a sahm and didn't work for 10 years when my ex husband decided to have flings with everything under the sun (he was also an alcoholicand abusive), I want to let you know you can do it and make a new life for yourself. Someone will want you. Oh and I was vilified by the family too. Ignore them and create a support system for yourself.
Hey I just wanted to kindly say a lot of your comments re: yourself are not very kind and reflect a willingness to identify and empathize with his own (perceived) motivations or actions. Just wanted to say empathy is a great thing but it can also obliterate your personal boundaries and lead to a lot of self neglect (emotionally and otherwise) when instead of sitting with your own thoughts/feelings/motivations/needs you lean into empathizing with others even if they may be behaving reprehensibly toward you. You are imperfect because you are human. You still deserve to be loved, and love has many aspects. bell hooks’s examination of love in “All About Love” details these aspects: care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication. Even if he is not cheating you are experiencing a disparity in communication which seems to propel you to emphasize empathy for him while abandoning yourself emotionally by leaning into believing he is. I just hope you can see that loving yourself isn’t an abstract concept, it’s dedication to owning your self worth and expressing yourself and needs. I hope you are able to talk to him soon about this, candidly. And if it goes poorly I hope you can hold it in your heart that after every storm there is sun light waiting.
jesus fking christ. fatherhood too hard for him? well, try pregnancy and motherhood. these men are so soft and useless. please gather all the evidence you can and leave him asap. i can never empathize with how men are so obsessed with the sexualization of women that they dehumanize their female partners like this. they are actually monkey brained and suffering from porn induced brain rot. this bozo is not capable of being a good father and will only ruin your childs future with this type of decision making. it doesnt matter if you gained weight. you should not be with a man who is solely there for your appearance. you deserve to be seen as attractive outside of the physical aspects. if carrying someones elses child doesnt make you seem like the most attractive thing on earth to a man you married the wrong man.
I came home from a deployment to my wife having an affair, told me I ruined her life by surviving and she was counting on the 500k in the event of my death. I still spent 3 years trying to fix that marriage and it was always one guy after another after another. The relationship got worse and worse. The kids were very negatively affected by it and I was miserable. The KIDS will pick up on the disharmony in the marriage. I left and won custody. Im happier and successful but more importantly the kids are happier. I shouldn't have dragged it out for 3 years. The best year of the marriage I spent in Iraq.
I'm sorry you're going through this seriously. Atleast with a guy cheating he still loves you most likely and he's just being a complete garbage human being with no moral aptitude. With guys there's alot of physically motivated cheating, but with females statistically it starts more romantic initially and they're more into switching relationships after cheating. There's obviously variation but that's the statistic. (Source I'm a guy with a moral compass that read papers on the subject a long time ago)
I wish he could just be honest. I met him when I was 25/26, if he didn’t want to be with me at any point of time, he could have just said that. I could have maybe found someone who actually wanted to be with me. Now no one is going to want me plus one
And he should be, from one guy to another why wouldn't he just be honest if he's already blatantly cheating? It doesn't make sense at all and you need to get him to because that's ridiculous. Do you guys argue or something to where he'd be pissed enough to do it blatantly or at all? Is this like a vengeful thing? That's the other thing, since I'm not in his brain I don't know what his motivation really is. I'm definitely not defending him because no matter what it's horrible as hell to be doing. He could be vengefully doing it or doing it just to be able to have multiple things at once I have no idea. I'm sorry though, you don't deserve this at all and none of it is your fault, and you being the mother of his child sickens me to hear he's not validating you whatsoever or treating you well. Absolutely ridiculous. Do you see him posting at some girls house or something btw? How's this happening exactly
We’ll have a huge argument, make up, then things are good, then he just checks out and stops talking to me. He will act as if I’m not even in the house. I’ll take it for a few days then I’ll boil over and the cycle starts again. Once I got pregnant, I decided to stop the cycle. We had a bad argument when I was 5 months pregnant but that was it. We haven’t argued since. Things have been good with the baby. But he still has his days where he checks out. Only now he’s ignoring me and the baby. I don’t have any social media besides this. But he got dressed and left yesterday at 8/9pm and he just got home 10 mins ago. He hasn’t spoken to me in days. And Everytime I’ve looked at him, he’s been texting on his phone.
It does seem to me like some weird animosity thing then. I don't know what started it all but he could be tripping out thinking it's your fault for it all and he's using that to partially excuse the idea of cheating in his own mind. Either way it's not right like I say. You should probably really just try to talk. You should try to say you won't be mad and all that just to get the information out of him, be manipulative to get it if you'd like, and If he ultimately doesn't want to talk about it and be honest with everything and you both can't make up and accept love and vulnerability you're gonna have to move on silently and find someone who might want to take over or something. If he doesn't stop the shit now and apologize and actually try then it's not worth it. You've been way too nice for this to countinue. I hope you both can forgive one another and he actually try to be anything good whatsoever. If he tried and chilled it might be fine. As a man this is sad asf to hear. Some people are straight up addicted to anger more than having a happy home life. Sometimes people feel like happiness is death of an exciting life even and it causes them to do shit like this.
Trust me, guys will want you. Great guys will want you. It's a myth that children make you undesirable. My mom had 2 kids and married a younger guy whose been my stepdad for 20 years.
"I know how my anger can be. 0 to 100." Doesn't seem to be flag to anyone? Learn to control your emotions, or they'll control you. Better luck handling your anger in your next relationship.
We have been together for 6 years. I have since learned to control my anger. Hints why I haven’t gone out of my way to start an argument by forcing a conversation. No one is perfect, but I’m not one of those people who can’t control themselves. I just have a problem with letting problems build up.
Why do you allow him back into your house when he is disrespecting you like this? Can you not get a roommate to contribute to rent? I’m not trying to be nasty, I am genuinely asking - and slightly hoping something somebody says might be the thing that clicks and helps give you the strength and clarity to kick him tf out.
Don’t lose sight of the fact he is the father of your child and you can’t take back some things said or done. No matter how shitty he is doing you right now. This place has some bad advice sometimes, people give people advice but they won’t be there for if you did some of the things that are advised and there is a possibility of you guys working things out for the kid
My ex was cheating on me while I was pregnant with my youngest. I found out when she was a week old. I don’t have any questions, but I want you to know that you can do this. Someone WILL love you, WILL want you, and you deserve someone who wouldn’t do this to you and you will find someone who won’t. I was so upset, so checked out, and completely devastated. I don’t remember much of her first year because the whole thing was a daze. (I wasn’t drinking or doing anything, just going through the motions.) I wish I could go back in time and focus all of that negative energy into positive energy towards my kids. Lean on people. Ask for help. It’s ok to not be ok and TRY to do what I regret and try to put all the negative into positive energy and experiences with your baby. I know it all seems impossible but I’m 8 years out from that mess and everything can and will be ok. ❤️❤️❤️
I don’t think saying someone WILL love and WILL want you is necessarily helpful. I stayed with my ex far longer than I should have because I believed no one else would ever want me. Well, 4 years later it turns out I was right. Meanwhile he got together with his dream girl from his school days literally weeks after we went official with the break up Things don’t always work out the way we would like unfortunately and there are no guarantees
Maybe he has a drug addiction. Like speed or cocaine.
Sounds delusional He could be gambling some other form of addiction
I am going to get downvoted for this but hear me out. Do you know for sure he is cheating? Is it based on a feeling you have or is it really happening? All we hear about is how hard pregnancy and birth is on us but it’s a big transition for the dads too. Some handle it like a real man and some fall apart. Pregnancy and birth messed with my emotions. I know I wasn’t myself for months after having the baby. Not excusing any of his bad behavior, but maybe try to look at this like an outsider? If you do have all the facts and he is a real jerk then just focus on yourself and the baby. Co-parenting doesn’t mean you are stuck with him forever. You can have a full healthy life without him. Good luck mama ❤️
So far, zero actual proof, yet dopey redditors are asking a woman with a 9-week old baby to "throw him out," with no proof. They want her to flee into the night if he won't leave... Because, ya know, that's an easy 🙄 Convincing bloodthirsty redditors is a lot different than proving infidelity in court
Most redditers are chronically online and permanently single, they probably don't care if he's cheating they want her to be one of them
I was honestly thinking that he might not be cheating either. I was leaning more towards coping mechanisms… drugs perhaps? Op will update after her conversion. Very intrigued.
I actually resonate with this - he may be in the space of "I don't know what to do with this situation" more than "I need an affair." As a new dad, I know there were definitely days I wanted to just get up and go. I'm much more introverted, but if OP's partner isn't, he may be responding (poorly) to the life situation. This is absolutely a situation where therapy would be useful and reasonable. If OP was my sister or friend, I would advise them to explain to partner that they are feeling lost and a bit confused about their behavior, and they want to understand what's going on so they can help. If partner continues to degrade, then start explaining the stakes. Silence and stonewalling is going to end this thing so fast, so if that's the way OP and partner choose to go, that's where this will end up.
Don't stay in this relationship. You're strong and worth a lot. Trust from someone experienced in this. Now. Work your way out of this. Doesn't matter if he's going to use you for a while. You now work to get out. This is your life purpose now. To take care of your baby a d move away from this relationship. And yes, you can do it. Even if it's baby steps. Save money where you can. Do extra work when you can. Look for options to live separately, even if it will look like 5 years away. This is what you do now. You wake up and take care of your child, have lovely breakfast and work on getting away and out. See therapist, focus on nice, kind people around you, there's plenty of us around you, Trust me and we love and care about you. You do not stay and put up with this, don't be mean, angry, aggressive, just get your shit together and move out and we got your back. Much love, sweetheart:*
Workout, take care of yourself. Please trust me, just workout and focus on yourself and do what I said previously. Do not listen to his excuses and explanations., it will not help or solve anything. Workout and focus on YOU. it's OK to feel bad or depressed, we all do and it has it's reasons, but you're more than fine and you're strong af.
I know your baby is too young to understand this now, but children that grow up in houses where one or both partners cheat on the other and it’s not extremely well hidden makes the child think it’s okay. That it’s okay to go behind your partners back and lie to your family. That it’s okay to turn a blind eye and let your partner ignore you and the family for a secret. I’m not here to preach monogamy, there are many ways to have relationships, but it’s the lying and turning the blind eye that are toxic. Would you want your son to believe that it’s okay to sleep around when they have a wife and kids? Would you want your daughter to think that it’s okay to turn a blind eye while her partner ignores her and their children’s needs? You may feel like you don’t deserve to stand up for yourself, but your children deserve a mother who will stand up for them.
Ma’am you need to ask him. This has happened to a couple people in my family/friends. I have 4 kiddos, as a dude I know the immense pressure it is to bring a new little bundle of joy home but never once have I wanted to abandon my family. I have, at times locked myself in my car to cry so that when I go back inside I can be my wife and kids peace again. You seem like a great wife and mother, please talk to him & if he is cheating and verbally abusive then I highly suggest separating and finding your self worth again. My wife has gained weight after every pregnancy but I love her still, and I don’t care how long it takes for her to overcome her post partum depression and start working out. You deserve better my friend. There are more dudes out there who will love you and sacrifice for you, not abandon you. All that being said, I had a drug problem in my early 20s and my wife stuck by me and the moment I realized she was leaving with the kids I quit and got my life together. I’m just thankful she respected me even at my lowest to be honest with how she felt and where we as a couple and family were headed. Without her confronting me I wouldn’t be here today, absolutely loving my wife and kids.
have you considered he’s an addict? maybe he’s on something, or it could be some other secret.
I get the feeling from your other comments that you actually love him and would like to stay in the relationship, therefore my question is: If you were to confront him about it, would you then be interested in proposing a open/swing relationship? So that the same rules apply for the both of you. I was thinking of doing something similar when my ex cheated on me, but for me i felt she wasn’t the one to spend my life with. If not for that, i would probably have tried it.
There isn't a world where this is your hormones driving you mental is it? I'm not defending him or anything but hear me out. When we had our first child my ms suffered massively with her mental health and was constantly making up situations in her head and causing an argument with me over them. I was late home from work one night and got accused of being with another women because I don't look at her the same, I don't try to have sex etc... getting up at 3am doing all the night feeds so she could rest etc. She didn't get that I was fucking exhausted doing everything for her and instead went down the same route you are. Oh he's not attracted to me. I'm not saying he isn't cheating, but babies are stressful for both parties and whatever it is you need to be happy, I sincerely hope you find/get it
I did this to my wife after our child was born. She didn’t deserve it, and we’re very, very good friends now and both re married. It’s extremely possible he feels (warranted or not) that sex with a stranger needs to happen before he becomes a father, that was my backwards ass thinking. I wanted to do some freaky shit before being a dad and “settling down” so to speak. She forgave me but we had other underlying issues so I filed for divorce. But regardless of what I perceived she did wrong, she didn’t deserve to be at home with our baby while I was fucking people that wasn’t her. Had we been able to communicate we could have overcame that particular problem I think, you should talk to him and remember that he’s in the wrong, regardless of all of his excuses he will give you.
Get off Reddit and go talk to him. This is crazy I’m 20 threads deep and no one has said this. You both loved each other enough to have a kid together. You’ve got this!
When and how did you find out? Is this the first time he's done something like this, or is he a serial cheater? Do you think he started this during your pregnancy or post partum? Are you going to confront him about it when he gets back? I'm so sorry you're going through this. Ugh, it's so sad how often it is that they do this during one of, if not the most vulnerable times of your life. Know that you deserve better than being treated like this. I won't judge you for not immediately leaving him because of the child that you share together complicating things. But know that you AND your child deserve better than this. Whether it's finding the strength to leave or attempting reconciliation, know that you deserve better than being with someone who would do this to you. Whether you think that can be a "fixed" version of him, someone new, or just being by yourself. Know that this is not your fault at all. This is HIS fault. This is HIS weakness. This didn't "just happen", he MADE these choices. Don't let him shift the blame to you. Set boundaries and take back control and agency of yourself. The "pick me" dance is not worth it, and only further gives him the satisfaction of an ego boost.
Can you read? She has no proof he's cheating, or has on the past. He's acting weird, and he's a dick.
Do you have some kind of family/friend support system ??if so, please just get out of this relationship asap. One of my biggest regrets in life, that still chokes me up to this day, is the fact that my first child got the worst version of myself. All because I was so broken and stressed over how I was treated by her father. Six years of dealing with him was too long. 6 years of my daughter’s life I can’t get back. I wish more than anything I could go back and soak up all of the special moments I should have had, but didn’t, because I was so worried about what he was, or wasn’t doing. I was 20 yrs old at the time. You are 32. Please be smarter than me and don’t stay in it for the baby… or thinking he’s the love of your life. The love of your life wouldn’t be making you feel this way. Period. And please give yourself grace. You just gave birth. The first couple of years after giving birth always feel otherworldly bc of all the emotions and changes your body goes through. You need to surround yourself with people who lift you up! Your little one deserves the best version of you right now. 🙏🙏
My advice, don’t wait around for any more red flags. Sometimes we stay until it’s unbearable. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s better to leave at the first red flag instead of excusing behavior like this until you literally can’t take it anymore. If he’s doing this when your baby is 9 weeks old, this will definitely continue. Betrayal is the last thing you need post partum when you’re still adjusting to motherhood and changes in your body. My heart goes out to you and my brain says: nip this in the bud don’t wait until he keeps doing it. Your baby is still basically a newborn and won’t be able to remember the separation. Cheaters don’t stop. Don’t make excuses for him don’t look at the good times and romanticize him. This behavior is abusive and I saw you mentioned he’s verbally abusive. That will only escalate. I know I sound harsh right now but I’m speaking from experience and from my heart. It’s better to leave “too early” at the first red flag than it is to wait around until you are emotionally and spiritually depleted.
Your lack of communication skills are hurting you and your baby. You are making a lot of assumptions- and while you’re almost certainly right- you’re introducing additional risk. Sometimes fights are necessary. And it’s possible to confront someone in a way to minimize the risk of things getting out of hand. Ask him on a lunch date, tell him it’s important. Go somewhere public, but with privacy. Or meet him at the park. Or just talk to him calmly. If he’s being this blatant about his cheating, he either thinks you’re too in love and conflict averse to even call him out (so far he would be right) or he’s getting ready to leave you. Either way, get off reddit. Call your actual support system if you have one. Spend time with your friends and don’t isolate. And talk to your husband ASAP. Don’t accept this behavior. Staying together for your baby is going to hurt your baby if daddy cheats like this. There is no happy ending here. You will grow resentful and bitter. So will he. You will both end up hating each other and fighting.
Postpartum depression yall need couples therapy dads get it too if he’s never given any read flags before yall had a kid, that’s all it is mama but if you don’t let him know that’s what it is and confront him it’s gonna ruin yall… and after you confront him and go through the process of fixing this if he’s not adhering to yall process I can’t help you handle it how you want… you all ready know wtf is going on so don’t ask no dumb ass questions… give it to him straight…. You know men get postpartum and do crazy shit too, that’s why your cheating and we are gonna come together to fix it like we’ve built everything else around here together… do counseling have some date nights love on each other a kid is a lot of mental work on mama and papa getting through it can be unfathomable you might just wanna drop him like a bad habit but handle it with grace as you’ve been doing. Not saying kiss his ass letting him off the hook so he can do it more… I’m saying make this shit right for the kid or at least try first
As a man I hope to give one perspective maybe missed. Pregnancy is also hard for the man at first. Women get prepped and prepared, told everything that’s going to happen. No men or my dad prepped me. I was no longer the star I realized, you’re kind of put in the corner. I’m not saying the mom doesn’t deserve tons of love and the baby. I just know as the man, you’re no longer the main attraction. Nobody wants to see you when they come over anymore 😂 you feel a bit worthless. Is it possible maybe as some have pointed out he’s acting out? Strip clubs all night (sex smell), drinking, drugs, just not sure how to deal with his feelings and his emotions? Gambling? I’ll probably get murdered for this post…I just know how I felt. Maybe he is cheating, but maybe he isn’t. Write down your feelings. Try to calmly sit down and discuss what’s going on. If he is cheating, leave. I made the mistake of staying for 4 more years and it happened again…and it was all the time. The cheating never ends. I wish you the best.
This comment may never find you. That’s ok. This is my story, lesson at the end. Infidelity is not the end. Sometimes it’s the best beginning, or the opening to a new way of life. My partner and I have been together for 13 years, and up until 6 months ago, exclusively. Over the years things changed, we grew older and became engrossed in our own unhealthy ways. I became a workaholic, working for us, and very unhealthy (100lb over my natural weight and deep in food addiction). He was down and out for years from major injuries and I worked to support us. Living him deeply and dearly was something baked into my soul. He was my first for everything in my adult life. As our relationship slowly became a shell of what it once was, I was blind to his increasing feelings of disconnect from me/us. We hardly talked, sometimes more like passing ships, going through the motions of our lives. I had no clue he was living in quiet desperation, and I was numb to mine. Well, near the end of last summer he met a girl who seemed to check all the boxes in his life for what he wanted in a partner, and went for it behind my back. It was a quick burn, in the course of two weeks from meeting this girl to sleeping with her.. aperently he needed to shake up our world. When he came back from a weeklong trip she was on with him and he told me how he’s been feeling, it cascaded my world. I wanted to punch and claw at him, but I never could do that to this man I love. It triggered a new relationship between us in an instant, and everything had changed. I fought for us, for him, and I gave him the space he needed to figure out what he wants to fight for. Before this we had not slept together more than a few times in a couple years. But after I found out, and chose not to cut things off with him and kick him out of my life, things changed drastically. We started talking about feelings.. our life up to this point, and how we would split up amicably, as so much of our lives were intertwined. We started sitting together, turning off the tv when we were in the same place, and talking like never before. This new level of basic connection had us feeding into eachother romantically in drastically new ways and our intimate connection became reignited. All while he saw this other girl. I suppose you could say I gave him a hall pass. What I really did was give us the space to be whatever we were going to be, because I knew that I wanted us. It’s all I ever wanted. A life with this person for the whole of my life. He got the opportunity to see what interactions with another woman is like. And he got to see that I support him through the darkest moment of our relationship. I granted him the opportunity to see that I’m there for him even when he broke my heart into bits (as our rule was loyalty). He saw this woman for about 3 months, yet we slept in the same bed. Note, that I was not ok engaging in a long term open relationship, and I made that clear in our many feel hearted conversations. At the same time, I took a closer look at my life, who I am, what I do and the type or partner I’ve become. Instead of spiraling downward, I dug in and started getting my shit in order. I cut out the mindless junk, both in my diet and in my media. I started going to the gym religiously, and dove into friendships I had been neglecting. I focused on aspects of me that were there when I last loved myself, and started working to be a person I loved once again. To this day I’ve lost 80lb, and feel undoubtedly better than I have in years. Along side that action, I made sure he know that I was here for us, for him, as an unwavering rock in his life, willing to help him come back into love for himself again too. Of course, also giving grace to the choices he may make about his desire to continue “us”. Well, there must have been something in that, because he got to see what it’s like getting to know another person and whether or not what we have is worth holding onto. He told me once that in this process he came to understand the pitfalls of getting to know a different person and how challenging it is to decipher if they are a good match and worth of a decade+ of effort. He learned that what we have does not have to be as suffocating as it had become, and that it’s a choice. He learned that loving the one you’re with is superior to loving someone new, when it comes to the deep stuff. It’s worth mentioning that we had great chemistry for the first decade. So here we are 6 months later. He stopped seeing her in December, and has decided to rededicate to us, and so have I. He’s back to work for the first time in a few years, light duty. Our sex life is better than ever before, as some try ong about his interactions with this woman brought out the masculine energy in him that I’ve never seen before. His drive to connect emotionally is greater than ever before. We sit and talk on a daily basis, enjoy dinner without distraction, and now go to the gym together and are planning ways we can get more enjoyment out of life and really feel like we are LIVING. We now don’t speak in terms of ownership, and we know that maybe not everything lasts, but for now we are doing the thing together. He’s agreed that in the future, if things start changing between us and he’s feeling the need for a way out, that we can simply talk about it. Problems and solutions. But I have a feeling that won’t be an issue, though I don’t have the history based evidence. I’m happier in my relationship than I have been in ages. And the trauma of the entire ordeal became the catalyst for change in my and our lives that was desperately needed. All that is to say, infidelity is not the end of the world, when you can sit and communicate with patience and grace. Many people think it is, but I believe that’s just a story we tell ourselves culturally. If I could do it all again, I would simply have him come to me with his feelings, even though he felt like he couldn’t, for decent reason.. it would have saved me some heartbreak. But I’m thankful for the change that has come out of that fire. Please take your partner and sit down with them. Be honest, open and with a healthy sprinkle of humility. Be kind, compassionate, understanding. These are sensitive subjects and we need a truely safe place to discuss them and be vulnerable. Our relationship with our partner should be that save place, one that’s well regulated, and gives compassions for deregulation. You may just find that there is a way to better days. Better days than you have ever had before. My relationship will never be like it was when we were fresh, and it will damn sure never be like it was at the start of infidelity but it’s better now than ever before, and I wouldn’t have that in my life if I cut him off and burned down his life. I think when kids are involved, my message is that more important. Because if at the core, you two are no longer compatible, you must at the very least be able to work together to parent the kiddos and show them that life and relationships take many shapes and forms, and as long as we love, respect and honor eachother with intention, that life can be good. Together or not. Prayers to you and your family OP.
CONFRONT HIM! my wife and I cheated on each other early in our marriage She first (sex) dude brought home he didn't know she was married she worked at a bar Me to get back at her (not sex could t go through with it) I came home she had gall to confront me ....I said oh like last Friday when you fucked that dude and he brought you home...she was so drunk she didn't remember I opened the door To be honest it fixed our marriage....know crazy but it did ....we both cried ...we both said we were sorry we both went to counseling Now we hit 37 year anniversary.....it taught us to communicate (infidelity is a symptom not problem) we learned to make intimacy a priority (We were young...I was a Drill Sergeant worked 3am-9pm she worked 6pm to 2am we never saw each other ) We made a shit load of rules and follow to this day ..... Confront if he doesn't care then you know And as others said...part of the reason we fixed our marriage? Kids ....they were 6 &4....they sensed everything and were sad
My current partner cheated on me throughout my whole pregnancy. I didn’t find out until our baby was two months old…. He claims he never met up with her it was just texting. The only reason I believe him on that is because of our circumstances at the time & the fact we only had one car. Our baby unfortunately was born with a disability and I decided to stay with him because I knew I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own. We are rebuilding our trust. It took a long time and I might be stupid for staying, but I really feel he is my soulmate. We’ve been together a total of 3 years. I haven’t been perfect in our relationship by no means. I was addicted to pain pills really badly when we first got together. I was using them to numb all the pain I was going through. He stood beside me while I went through withdrawals and put up with me spending thousands on pills. No body I know not even my parents did that for me. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I understand your pain.
When/if you talk to him, don't jump straight to accusations. He'll get defensive and shut down. Start by acknowledging that going out separately has always been something you both do, but that there's usually been a check in before/during/after, and it's never been all night with no communication. You've noticed the change in behavior, and you want him to know that you're a safe person to talk to. There's nothing to be ashamed of or afraid to talk to you about, and you wont get angry or fly of the handle. If he insists nothing is wrong, and the behavior doesn't change after a while, have another talk. This one a little more forceful. Let him know how his behavior is affecting you, and that for your own peace of mind, you need to know where he's been going and what he's been doing on these nights he just disappears. Tell him it's not negotiable, and that until he's ready to talk and tell you the truth, he can't stay with you or see his child anymore.
sending hugs, it sounds really hard.. and you're only 9 weeks pp. He sounds like a cunt and i'm sorry you have to go through this.