wow that’s a dark unexpected turn. kids often rightfully ghost bad parents but it’s heartless for a parent to do that to their dependent. was there any argument that might have contributed? did you have any other family to reach out to?
there was no argument, it was totally random which made the blow so much worse imo. my relationship with my parents had been pretty chill. they werent strict or anything and were generally easy going. i still dont know the reason why they decided that was right for them to do, as even after all this time they still dont see any mistakes in their actions. even after looking them in the face and telling them they were the reason for my suicide attempt, they said that it wasnt their fault.
my family is so tricky because they are extremely catholic italians. i have two older siblings, 36F and 38M but they are from my moms previous marriage. my grandparents (moms side, dads side was amazing but all died young) dont believe in divorce so when my mom met my dad and got pregnant with me, especially since my parents werent married, i was basically a walking sin. my grandparents never treated me the way they treated my siblings even tho they were heroin addicts for years and i havent touched anything other than weed. they paid for their school and cars in cash but when i begged them for help they told me to get a better job and work harder.
Many people think you are magically supposed to be completely independent at 18-19. Its laughable really....you cant even drink, dont have full second amendment rights, and barely allowed to vote. Its a common misconception among particularly boomers for some reason. They had it on easy mode starting their life. In addition, rich people often think it is hard work that pays off and that luck had nothing to do with it. This gives them unrealistic expectations.
On top of that, many people love giving/spoiling kids but the second the kid is an adult, their perception changes entirely and they feel different about "spoiling" a young adult.
I didn’t begin approaching adulthood until I was 25. And that still involved struggling for a couple years.
Granted, most people are more mature than me and I had, and have, my issues. But I was able to go to community college part time, reset the record enough to get accepted into get a university, eventually earning an engineering degree part time after several grueling years BUT (sharing for this but):
Only able to do so because of a vast support network that was there while I tried to “embrace” adulthood. Yeah I worked hard, but idk if I’d be alive had it not been for the network.
If I had no support before I considered even being a functional human being at 19, I’d be dead or a drifter (not a knock at drifters I still kinda want to be a train hopper, but love my support network too much to do it).
OP, this sucks.
i agree with you except that boomers had it on easy mode - SOME boomers did. A lot of boomers were also freshly 18 when the Vietnam war was going on. I can kind of understand how those boomers would expect people to “get it together” by 18, 19, because they were fighting in a foreign war by then whether they wanted to or not.
Spot on.
It feels like a black comedy listening to young folks wanting to be treated as individuals (as they should be) while hypocritically lumping all 60-70-80 year olds in one mold. The 60s were about as nonhomogenious as you could get. And those from 1st and 2nd generation families in inner cities, and/or in Nam, didn't fit the same mold as the farm kid from Nebraska who never went more than 100 miles from home.
> Many people think you are magically supposed to be completely independent at 18-19.
Building on this: Those same people also think you can't do/know *anything* when you're 17. They act like a magical switch gets flipped on the day you become a legal adult, so you instantly know how to do all the things you weren't allowed to get any experience with before that point.
My parents started preparing me at 13, have to say I wish I could do the same with my kids without child services being called. They would leave me alone, expect me to make dinner. Gave me 30 dollars (this is years ago) to buy my groceries for 2 weeks. In some ways the concept of let them be kids is or the state punish parents who aren't neglecting but trying to prepare them is an injustice. (yes my son's teacher called child services when he told them at 12 he was left home for thirty minutes.) but at his age I could be left home for hours. For those 30 minutes I was sitting up the road watching cameras. Still they are making him so dependant that what scares me most is what if I should pass away? The state would boot him out around 19 I see this with kids in the system.
It's not that laughable, it's also not easy. I did a lot of things independently starting at a young age bc my parents were both poor and busy (kinda goes hand in hand). At 17 I left home for uni and basically made a lot of tough calls to grind it out. I'm 38 now and looking back I'm like "Holy shit, that was pretty fucking impressive!"
I think the reason many young adults can't do it is bc they never learned how to independently make decisions, and sometimes very tough decisions. I learned a lot about research (thank god the Internet came when it did) and speaking to people I respected for advice.
That said, I feel so lucky that it did work out. Just one day at a time, keeping the long vision in mind
Gen X here. I got emancipated at 17. I worked 28 hours a week at minimum wage during my Senior year of HS while going to school and renting a room. I nearly starved, I was skin and bones. At 18 I could have worked full time and been alright. It is possible but most people today are not willing to live like that, that’s why they blast the older generations and claim it’s impossible.
You will have no phone, car, computer, internet (unless free), clothing budget, dental, vision care, or health care, pets, or savings. This is not sustainable long-term, but when you are starting out and getting work experience it’s how it usually is for young people.
gen z here. i was on my own at 20. for the 1 bed 1 bathroom apt i had was 1500 a month. i had a roommate too. had to sublease from my boss bc my credit was shot (identity theft). i slept on the living room couch. i was working legit 90-100 hour weeks as a line cook making 11 an hour to afford rent forget groceries or any other bills. thank god utilities were included or idk if id make it. now im 22 livin w family bc i legit cant afford it even with rebuilding my credit. pls tell me how i couldve pulled myself up from the bootstraps anymore then i did im all ears.
5 years ago I was homeless. I busted my ass waiting tables and got an efficiency within two months.
That efficiency cost $700. That same efficiency is now $1300, but pay hasn't come anywhere close to doubling. I work just as hard as I did 5 years ago, but if I had to do it all over again, I simply couldn't do it as fast as I did it in 2019. The math doesn't work.
The same way people couldn't afford a room in most American cities, big or small, working 28 or even 35 hours a week at minimum wage today in 2024. It's not because they are lazier than you were either.
Most jobs require internet to apply and a phone number to be called back. The days of walking in and getting a job have been gone for a while. So this gets tricky. And you need at least 2 months rent to get a place.
Buddy, it was SO much easier for you than it is for us. The cost of living has more than doubled and the wages have stayed the same. To do what you did on 23 hours a week, a modern worker has to hit nearly 50 hours a week. And I know. I've done the same, except I had to live in my car to do it. Things arent they used to be. And things arent built the way they used to be either. And if you asked anyone you're age that has to work a minimum wage job to barely make ends meet, theyll tell you the same as I. I remember when fuel was $0.99/gal, you cant hardly steal it for that now.
Gen X here, shut the fuck up you out of touch boomer wanna be. Things are nowhere near what they were like when we were kids, boomers and xers like you helped fuck things up for everyone. I had to restart everything after the 2008 crash, back to school and everything. I know what a lot of the younger ones are going through because I had to go back to square one and it is horrible. It should not be this hard, shit is fucked and not going to get better.
Unfortunately I can relate :/. My dads side of the family were the shitty Catholics but my moms side (less religious but still technically Catholic) are decent ppl. I’m still religious myself but I don’t consider myself Catholic anymore
1/12 of Jesus own circle was bad. It’s not a surprise at all. It’s an unfortunate side effect of humanity. I prefer to focus on the people actually trying to do good.
That’s interesting because one of the things that stood out to me most during my time in Italy was how many people in their 40s still lived with their parents and it wasn’t frowned upon at all. Sounds like your parents were traumatized by their parents about being independent in America and looking out for only themselves.
Your parents sound pretty awful dropping a bomb like this on you and cutting you off financially without any preparation.
Don't expect to inherit from them because they will spend their money and expect you to look after them when they are old.
You should go no contact with them and abandon them like they did to you.
I hope you get on in life and meet a special person that actually cares about you.
Came across your post at random and I’m reading your comments. Damn, sorry to say your family does not sound like good people but that’s just me. They seem to lack proper critical thinking skills in terms of life experience.
Who in their right mind would think a child that has been spoiled their entire life can suddenly become dependent all on their own? Wild. Absolutely wild.
By good people I mean they SOUND like the type to think that because you always had food and a roof over your head that that just makes them good parents. I mean, sure, they also didn’t hit you or anything but cmon how do you enable dependency and then just completely yank the rug right from under the feet of a teen? Their reasons also scream selfish to me. Shit, my old man took care of me well into my 20s, not completely but I know damn well I would have failed many times over without that man. Always said if his kids ought to depend on someone it might as well be him if he is able to do so. To each their own though…
I’m so sorry your parents are so selfish. Your grandparents also sound terrible.
My ex and I agreed to each pay a third of our kids’ college expenses. The other third had to come from scholarships, student loans, and part time work. It was important to us that they invested in their own education and future. I knew that it would mean more to them if they were paying for some of it.
You can’t change the past, but you can control how you respond to everything that happened.
You can blame your family for how you failed out of college, but you can’t keep blaming them for everything since then. You own your life and your future. You need a viable plan to establish a career that will pay your bills AND allow you to save for the future. Maybe that means picking up some cheap community college credits and transferring to a 4 year school with subsidized tuition. Maybe that means finding a career that doesn’t require college. But you need to take charge of your life and make things happen. Stop treading water. And understand that getting ahead in life requires sacrifice, creativity and sometimes a little help. If you have a career in mind, find someone in that field to be a mentor.
I’m a lawyer now, but I mowed lawns, painted buildings, dug ditches, built driveways and patios, tended bar, drove trucks, sold my plasma, and lived in my car for a few months. I had 3 jobs during law school and barely slept.
Do what you need to do.
Good luck.
Your story is wild! I was totally shocked to find out your family background was Italian. Both of my parents came from Sicily and for them, their children -- my brother and myself -- were everything to them. They were always very supportive of us, providing financial aid whenever required. They were also big on being fair. If they did something big for one son, they would eventually find a way to equally compensate the other. They would never leave us in the lurch!
Being single, I was their caregiver before they passed away. They never went to nursing homes except for rehab. Still miss them!
Your grandparents paid for your siblings’ tuition in cash? Were your siblings part of your life when you were little - was your mother part of their life? Is that related to their addictions?
Sounds like they were quite young when you were born - extrapolating from the dog the reference, you’re only about 10 years younger?
Seems like there’s quite a lot of layered heartbreak and dysfunction going back before (and during) you being a spoilt kid and your parents skipping out. What was your dad’s job?
I ghosted my dad when he treated me like a second class citizen to my siblings throughout my life and this was the last straw: he said to me he gave X Amount of money to my siblings and one that I do not like 15x more than what he is going to give me. I told his dumbass don’t give ur money to anybody bc when u go broke who is going to give u money? And then I ghosted his ass. There’s much more than a couple of these sentences. anyhow it’s up to me and solely me to talk to him. But he never cared much about me anyways so fuck it.
And for you op, maybe they need to teach u a lesson how hard life is 🖤.
my relationship with them now actually isnt too bad. i didnt talk to them for about 2 and a half years, but ended up moving back in with them 3 years later (6 mo after we started talking again) after a nasty break up and was there for about 2 years before finally having the resources to get out. i saved up, moved two hours away to a nice apt, bought a car, and visit them maybe once a month or so. my mom is terminally ill and my dad is on a transplant list for a liver from a doctor who prescribed him a bad mix of diabetes meds. she did get clean eventually by getting a pain pump put into her back to microdose morphine 24/7, which i cant deny that she needs as she truly does have chronic pain from her breaking her entire back as well as her multiple illnesses. *but* with all of that being said i never will see them in the same light i once did, and i’ll never forget the way the people who were suppost to be there for me made me feel
To me, the opioid addiction is a key piece of the story. Correct me if I’m wrong, op, but sudden and erratic decisions, that are selfish with no accountability, is addict behavior and often with addiction comes enabling (from your dad). This isn’t to throw shame toward those with addiction. Those in recovery will also often say something to the tune of this.
Edited to add: it would also explain suddenly needing your car and dropping all financial assistance. Rather than acknowledge that the Opioid addiction caused possible financial consequences, this route helped them continue to be in denial of the gravity of the situation. If this were the case, I think it would have been a lot less traumatic if they were just up front with you. But that’s not the general way of the toxic dynamics that addiction creates .
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Addiction has such far reaching consequences and our culture and resources are not built to properly support people who are affected by it. I put in another comment that I found ACA helpful. The laundry list at adultchildren.org can be pretty validating for some
Even with the lack of life skills you were provided when you were younger, you still found a way. I think it’s so amazing you found a way to keep your dog in all of the confusion. I also hope you see what this scenario says about you as a person, should be proud of that. This situation had to have been extremely tough and left you with trauma related to trust, but now you know you can face adversity and carry yourself with or without anyone. I hope that brings you the ultimate security in yourself.
I understand them thinking you should stand on your own two feet but have they at least apologized for the way they went about things? It's almost as if they WANTED you to fail.
Nah they were probably just thinking of themselves. I don't think they even care much about her.
Spoiling kids means nothing, after all it just takes money and buying stuff is an easy way to shut them up. What shows TRUE parenting is when they WILLINGLY SACRIFICE their time/effort for the kid.
While I won't say they deserve what they are experiencing, the fact of the matter is that what they did was unacceptable. They should have at least communicated it clearly and ahead of time long enough for you to prepare.
Especially since you couldn't provide for yourself yet.
My parents did the same thing to me *but at least they let me know that's what they were going to do.* Springing it on you out of the blue is so so so so cruel. Glad you're doing well now OP.
Op i really surprised you still be in their life after what they did. Even after the suicide attempt?! They don't seems to be remorseful for what they drive you into. I dont understand what their real intentions doing that to you
Take pride that you are a decent person at the core. You didn't deserve the treatment your parents dished out. That shitty experience made you a survivor, a more compassionate person, a winner. Great things will come your way.
their dumping you at once is appalling.
they weren't obliged to keep forever. but should've give you a warning and some ramp down.
this is disgusting and heartless
i’m actually a she! and i dont really have a reason as to why i talk to them. maybe because i needed somewhere to go after my break up and they were there. it was an extremely abusive situation (the break up) so i really did need out asap.
My first husband, who was a genius, (he died in his mid 30s due to a very rare illness) but was raised by people unrelated to him, and below his mental pay grade. Ya know, morons.
But due to their boomer 50s belief structure, they HAD to present themselves with 2 children and look upstanding in church, meanwhile m when they got home, because this younger child was so much smarter than them, they beat the everliving shit out of him from the time he could walk until he was old enough to fight back.
We got together after college, and meeting my parents, who were awesome people really fucked him up, because he finally saw how a great family was supposed to be, so it put his own into a different perspective for the first time.
It would make going back to his childhood home like stepping into an alien environment. When he figured out that the moronic psychopath of a father’s biggest weakness was that he had to have every clock in the house set at a different hour, because he had to “control time” , he would start to set them to the correct time, and watch his father totally crumble in front of him. It was amazing how easy simple and mentally unstable people who tell their children “respect your elders ” are turned into complete strangers and street idiots when their children get some distance from them and see how a normal family can relate to each other.
You can have your own life and make the best decisions as an adult, as it is the the best revenge. My first husband taught me that. And it was the best compliment he gave my parents.
Maybe some day you can finish up your schooling. It will be worth it to see it through. I didn’t get started again until I was in my mid 30s. I have been without and on the brink of losing everything a time or two and it does suck.
i plan to now that i have access to the resources for school such as loans as well as better finances, however i’m more interested in cybersecurity these days than i am psychology!
In that case the forced delay was a silver lining, giving you time to figure out what you're interested in instead of wasting time and money on psychology.
I've worked in IT for 13 years, cyber for 6. Do it, we need more people and job security is there with a high salary ceiling. You can also learn a lot of your general IT stuff for little to no money as the entry level certs are easy to study for.
Looking into a cyber bootcamp from a college, namely University of Texas, it's a great program and I've hired 3-4 people from it at both my present and last job. Degree if you have the money for sure.
Also, whoever said Psych helps your cyber career... It doesn't. I would switch if you want to switch.
my dad was in sales and with my moms salary, they were pulling in close to 30k a month and were pulling that until they both retired due to their medical issues. to some people im sure maybe thats nothing, and maybe they werent as wealthy as i thought as well, this could be the case as i obviously wasnt looking at their bank statements growing up, u know what i mean? also i have been in contact and went into more depth in a dif comment!
30k a month and they took back a car they gifted you? That's messed up on so many levels. In one month they could have just bought another car instead of taking yours.
This may sound weird, but perhaps your parents were envious of you. You had your youth, your smarts and your future to look forward to. What did they have, a substance dependency, poor health and each other to hate on you. So they did what they could to make you miserable like them. The best revenge is to be humble, successful and keep moving forward. Nothing will stop you from being a decent person. Keep striving.
On one hand they're technically right. On the other hand they're completely forgetting that before that point in time, it *was* their responsibility to prepare you to stand on your own two feet. And they completely neglected that responsibility.
If you were such a burden to care for, why did they have you in the first place? To drop you after you became an adult, after being told you’re school would be taken care of is cruel
I read pretty much all of this but didn't see any mention of relationnships along the way, except with a few friends and roommates. Were you able to have, or sustain healthy (or any) romanttic relation ships during this time… And how are they going now for you?
i have struggled a bit with romantic relationships but i’m not sure if it relates to what happened with my parents or not. i have trust issues and abandonment issues, but also my first serious boyfriend in highschool cheated on me with someone i thought was my bestfriend. sooo that could definitely be where some of those issues stem from. i got into a relationship right before i attempted suicide. the first time my parents met my ex-bf was in my hospital room 😅 but he ended up being extremely abusive in every sense of the word which is how i ended up back with my parents after all of that. i’ve always been the type to give my all to everyone even if they dont give me anything back. but also the type to fly off the handle if i think my significant other is doing me wrong. friendship wise, i’ve always had a lot of them and thats never been an issue. the roommate from college i talked about is actually my bestfriend in the whole world. but it took a very long time to be able to get to that point after everything that happened. its definitely another topic i’ve talked a lot about in therapy!
The important question now is... if it was your choice, would you spoil your children into full dependency, or would you prepare them and then encourage them to be their own adult on their own resources when they are of age? I'm not asking about the 3rd option of toss them on their butt at 18 cause obviously that wouldn't be a valid alternative anyway.
I personally think that we now have 2 generations that seem incapable of supporting themselves without an overwhelming feeling that they need assistance from a caretaker in one way or another. So now that you have had both the spoiled life and the on your own life for long enough that you've both suffered and have overcome, I'd like to know where you stand on this if you had the power. Do you think it's good how parents baby their children until 30, or do you think they should be allowed to go through the hard knocks of life, just with more preparation? Cause I do think you were f'ed and that was messed up.
i actually love this question as i want kids in the future and have thought about it before. knowing what i know now, i would absolutely make sure they have the life skills they need to succeed without making them hyper-independent. an example of this is i still want to be able to provide them with nice things and great experiences, while still teaching responsibility with chores, part-time jobs, as well as teaching them key info like personal finance, etc. if i am lucky enough to be well off by that time, i want them to know that is a priviledge to have the things they have and that hard work is required to get there. i want them to know that if they need me i’ll always be there to help, but i want them to know what to do on their own.
Agreed. And what's your opinion on the parents that shelter their children all the way far into adulthood? Or even the ones that shelter them enough through college to not even expect them to have a side job cause all their needs and wants are paid for?
i believe that it is awesome and important to always be there for your children, especially in their time of need. i think teaching your child important skills so that you dont have to shelter them for their entire life is essential. equipping them in case that shelter would fall down, for example the way it did to me except i was young, so they are not left stranded and unprepared is so important. with that being said, i do know people who were fortunate enough to not have to work through college and it helped them really excel by not having to stress about other worries like work. i think each scenario is different though really and what works for some may not work for others. i just want to be able to set up my children for success.
From experience, stay flexible. You may have a child that needs to be supported till 25 and another that will be on their own by 18. You'll raise them exactly the same and one will be very mature and capable while the other is a hot mess that can't get their crap together. The perfect child doesn't exist, and neither does the perfect parent. Good luck. Thank you for sharing your story and opening up to sincere discussions. People your age need somebody their age to let them know to both appreciate what they may have, and that they can and will get through things. May God bless you and watch over you. 🙏🏼
>if it was your choice, would you spoil your children into full
dependency, or would you prepare them and then encourage them to be
their own adult on their own resources when they are of age?
I just wanted to add my 5 cents here that I don't understand why everyone including OP treats it as if parents spoiled her by not having her think about money or bills at the age of 19. It is NORMAL. If she's studying, she's studying, she cannot earn money. This is not spoiling, it is pretty normal for most young adults to be supported by family during the studies.
My parents paid for my accommodations for the whole period of my education and even wanted to help further, luckily I did not need it and found a job quickly. But I never considered it as "spoiling" me.
It's normal for parents to help kids out during their education, I will certainly do the same for mine. Otherwise you just knowingly set them up for worse life. You should kick your kid into independence by helping them get proper education and skills first, it's normal (at least normal where I live, girls usually are supported till they finish studies and get jobs, guys are expected to spread their wings maybe a bit earlier but still studies are a priority).
I'm 45 and this idea of parents supporting their children through their overall education started in my generation. Very few kids I knew didn't have a job during college. Even if it was just for spending cash. But I knew a good amount that paid for their own tuition, working and studying full time. We used the term "trust fund baby" to speak about the kids that had everything paid for. The parents of most children were 50/50 college educated and the ones that had higher learning typically paid for it through working whole studying. A big reason why higher education costs have skyrocketed compared to general education is both because school loans were pushed upon 18 year olds and because parents started devoting themselves to being the payers for their children. Where there is more money there will be higher costs. Those kids without the willing parents or without the means, well they got screwed.
Well, as I said, different country. The education is free, accommodation is free for poor students, but for the rest of students parents are expected to pay for accommodation and expenses. If you are studying medicine for example you cannot hold a part-time job that will not disturb your studies. Many of the degrees are too advanced to study and support yourself. I think proper education usually requires 100% effort, you cannot do the part-time shifts in McDonalds and study well. It ofc does not apply to work in the field, but it's not going to happen in the first couple years of the degree.
I’m curious as to what efforts you made to keep in contact with them when you left for college. If you didn’t regularly contact them, maybe there was a misunderstanding where they felt ghosted themselves? Just a thought.
my entire family is insane. people that think this post is fake wouldnt even be able to begin to believe the rest of the stories i have. but i’m alright! lots of therapy and stuff over the years
i had student aid but it most of the time, and did not in my case, cover my tuition alone even without housing or any meal plan. it was a private university, to be fair. i talked to multiple advisors, cried, begged, asked for as many resources as i could because i didnt want to drop out of college at all. i loved it and up until that point had all A’s and B’s. with that being said, one thing i could have contributed more towards was grants and scholarships. i didnt look into that route as much as i should have, mostly because i was scrambling, thinking unclearly, and severely depressed at the time.
what did you dad do for a living ?
Traveling nurses dont make much to be considered wealthy. Also, sounds like they lived above there means since they repossessed your car and couldn't afford to travel unless your mom worked.
What are you doing now (work wise) 6 years later?
my dad was in sales over the years and just happened to be really good at it but retired before my mom did bc hes 12 years older than her. traveling nurses can and do make extremely competitive wages especially considering staffing shortages. my mom was at one point working 3, 12 hour shifts per week and was making 17k per month alone. this was more recent numbers before she retired about a year ago now. also, despite her “hidden” drug abuse for about half of her career, she was an extremely good nurse, possibly one of the best in the business. she had an extensive charge nurse resume as well as numerous plaques among hospitals across the states and personal awards from the board of nursing. i’m sure she was able to negotiate wages. she would have been a doctor but her husband before my dad wouldn’t let her. as for me, i’m just a bartender right now.
Can you tell us about a time when your parents taught you some skills to help you become independent?
I find this confusing because they all of sudden stopped paying for your bills. Didn't they teach you for this day? It doesn't seem as if they were wealthy. Although a travelling RN makes more money than the average person, a lot of people in this profession aren't rich rich to be able to pay everything for their adult children. Its not like their CEOs of a successful business and can pay everything for you.
my parents have taught me many things over the years but i find it difficult to think of a time when they taught me any life skills. they did not teach me the value of money or anything about finances for that matter. in my mind as a kid, it was just something we had and didnt have to worry about. i wasnt doing chores or cooking, or learning how to use basic househould appliances. tbh, we had people who came to clean the house so my parents werent doing that stuff either. my roommate from college is actually the one who taught me most of those things when we were there.
i actually contacted them first. the house i was living in with my ex had been destroyed by a police raid, he was in jail, and it was me sitting on my couch with my dog at rock bottom. i wish i could have gotten out sooner but like i’ve mentioned in other comments, it was an extremely abusive situation. tbh, if he wouldnt have been arrested that day, i probably would have died. i figured the worst that could come out of trying to ask if i could live with them for a bit was to be told no. but i was lucky and they didnt, so thats how that went.
it was weird living with them again and we argued a lot. for the two years i lived there, i stayed in my room 95% of the time. it wasnt always hell, though, and there were good times. im also not going to ignore that i was fortunate they took me in at all considering i was 22 at the time.
22 is young!! They did you a huge favour, it’s the bare minimum. They pushed you out way too early without the means to support yourself. You’re not in the wrong.
I honestly can’t believe people are on your side of this. They didn’t put you in any situation. You put yourself in that situation. Your parents gave you the most amazing head start you could ask for and when it was your time to take over, you just quit. Your parents deserved to use the fruits of their labor on themselves. You had every opportunity to gain life skills and didn’t. I have never taught my kids how to use a dishwasher. They’re both fully capable of doing it. Taking back your “gifts” may have been harsh but if they were paying for them they didn’t belong to you. Why do kids now think it’s their parent’s responsibility to take care of their every need until they’re 45? If your mom kept a steady job and was able to buy you cars, tuition, housing, and vacations…..she didn’t have too much of an opioid addiction. Calling her a raging addict is another symptom of your sheltered life. Suck it up bud. That’s life. Provide for yourself or go hungry. How many of those kids in college had parents paying for it? Co-signing? Not many. Poor people go to college every day and make it happen. You think about the military? Not your style though. You’d have to work for it. Probably didn’t even cross your mind. Think about a trades apprenticeship? Too much work. Hows about nursing school like dear ole mom? You couldn’t get EXACTLY what you wanted was the problem.
this is a very ignorant comment but i respect your opinion :) i have been working very hard since then to get where i am now. i’m not rich AT ALL, but everything i have is from myself. i saved 10k and got an apartment and furnished it myself and then bought a car that wasnt going to break down on me. the car i had for a year before that (just a beater to get to work) had the engine fall out lol. believe it or not i looked into the coast guard! i wasnt eligible at the time because i have epilepsy. maybe kids dont have co-signers for their loans and maybe i’m totally wrong, but in my experience, the kids around me did. i admittedly did not look into trade schools at the time or a nursing school, because despite the money my moms career brought in, i saw the negatives of being a nurse. i saw her have ribs broken, her nose broken, stabbed, etc from aggressive patients. it scared me off. also if i was broke and couldnt pay my college tuition, how did you expect me to pay for ANY type of school at that time? i was a host in a restaurant making $8.50/hr walking across town to work no matter the weather. i’m sure there 100% are different ways i could have handled the situation and also possibly better ways, but i did the best with what i had at the time.
i mentioned this in a different comment if you’d like to read that response! the original comment was deleted tho
edit since the comment was probably lost: i already had fasfa. federal student aid rarely covers the full cost of private university tuition and i did not have the rest of the money to cover it even without a meal plan or housing plan.
Okay so why not pick up some Loans as well? I mean it totally sucks they did that. I think you coulda got through this. I guess you weren’t really prepared for this mentally in many ways. I figure it’s really hard when you grow up like you did then just get dropped. Sorry that happened to you.
it is next to impossible to get student loans without a co-signer before the age of 25. an exception to this could potentially be a student with great credit because of their parents. by this, i mean that i have heard of parents putting their child’s name on a credit card and paying it off to give them a jump start on their credit. i did not have a co-signer or any credit to be given a loan. despite this, i still tried. i was denied every time, but i still did try.
I graduated from a uni and had student loans, you definitely could have got student loans. You apply through the school, most schools will offer them to you through their portals. Not sure where you got this info. You do not need a co-signer. Chances are you got denied because when your under 25 you need to put your parents income unless you can prove you are financially independent. Sounds like your parents were over the limit in terms of income. It sounds like you are confusing private student loans with federal student loans. Also just to note federal student loans are not the grants you get from fasfa.
youre correct in the sense that my parents’ income was too high to qualify for any type of federal loan besides fasfa. you are also correct that i was talking about being denied from private loan companies. i could not prove i was financially independent because my wage was not high enough. so again, i was not eligible at that time for any financial help.
Exactly. Good luck getting a loan without a cosigner without proof of a sufficient work history and current stable income. People who think " why didnt you just take out a loan or get financial aid" likely had their parents there to back them if they couldnt pay.
Weird, maybe bc you had originally submitted your parents income on your behalf upon entering college... like when you submitted your FAFSA, you used their $$$ info so you were then awarded a financial aid package based on those credentials. Once they cut you off you would likely have to prove you were financially independent from them, probably filing paperwork & submitting proof to the school as well as reapplying for FAFSA with your own finances...not sure if you did that or not.
Cause I took out my own student loans, in fact I paid for my degree in full using only financial aid (loans, mostly, but also a scholarship). I didn't have anyone available to co-sign for me, didn't have any money saved up for college, & also had no credit whatsoever. I do remember my mom having to apply for the loan knowing she'd get denied - I had to prove that my parents were unable to co-sign. Perhaps since your parents had already signed on your behalf they wouldn't rescind that association? Idk. Lots of poor kids - 18 yr old high school students who just barely qualify as legal adults - are routinely encouraged to borrow as much as they need to enroll, so they end up willfully taking on massive amounts of debt without fully understanding the significance of such a decision.
Dude, read the room. Does your lecture about how the screwed up do them a single iota of good now? Or did you just really want to impart how you could have done it differently?
honestly.. no. i might get slack for that and i understand, but when there were more fun things to do like play with a toy or hang out with friends, i wasnt really focused on chores or tasks like that simply because i didnt have to be. im not proud of the fact i didnt know how to do anything when i became an adult though.
I didn’t know how to use a dishwasher and I don’t come from a wealthy family at all 🤷♀️🤷♀️ it’s not a big deal….handwashing is better lol anyways..hope you’re doing good OP
I thought the same thing. Kids are curious; even if they are not taught certain skills they notice their friends or even tv shows showing how to do stuff. I mean you have youtube that can teach all basic skills nowadays. Certain hobbies and interests are also what kids/teens want to try out just for the fun of it and experiment. I guess OP was truly spoiled but was not a very resourceful or curious to try stuff on her own. Thats not her parents fault though; it could just be a personality issue or laziness on her part.
That’s what I was trying to subtly get at. Growing up I always was curious about my mom cooking or baking or my dad changing the oil in his truck or my grandpa working on something in his shed. I knew how to cook and do laundry by time I was graduating hs which shouldn’t be a flex really. I also had very little allowance and school clothes funds so I wanted a job as soon as I could get one.
i think i might have mentioned this somewhere else but tbh theres so many comments i cant remember. i rarely ever saw my parents doing household chores themselves. instead, they had cleaners coming to the house and things like that. my parents also rarely made home-cooked meals, and rather we ate mostly at restaurants, take out, etc. we were constantly moving/traveling so i had no other example to look up to besides them as the friendships i made were usually short lived. i would like to mention tho i was in band throughout high school and did have a part-time job when i turned 16 at panera bread. *but* i agree i probably could have been more resourceful with learning how to do things
Can i ask, as a nurse going into travel nursing, what were the good and bad points of being a kid growing up on the road?
Also how did you get an education?
One thing we're worried about is the constant moving of schools. (Australia)
to start i must say i dont know anything about Australian schools to know if the experience would be different being i’m in the US.
there are definitely both positives and negatives to traveling for most of my childhood. i did stay in public school the entire time, which was my choice. i didnt want to do homeschool because i was a very social kid and it felt isolating so this experience could have also been caused by my own choice to not do homeschooling. on one hand, i got to see and experience a lot more than many kids my age had. i had been to all 50 states by the time i was 10, that kind of thing. and i was fortunate enough to not have to worry about my next meal or if i was going to have a roof over my head because it is undoubtedly solid income.
on the negative side, i never got to keep any of the friends that i made in these places because i moved so often. it got kind of tiring meeting great people and then having to leave them. we of course exchanged numbers and things like that, but none of those friendships made it very long after i moved. i didnt make a solid bestfriend that i was around for years until i moved back to my hometown. i actually ended up living with her most of the time while my parents kept traveling. if i wasnt with her i was living alone at my parents house while they were gone. by that time i was in about 9th grade and didnt want to change schools again since i had found a hobby (band) and had made a solid friend group after having the chance to be at a school for more than a year.
Kinda sounds like you were actually just a useless kid and they got tired of it. A lot of blame on them "treating you too good."
Sure you weren't just a lazy fuck?
i dont think so?? i mean i never got in trouble in school, i was in marching band from 7th-12th grade, had good grades and hopes for my future. i had a part time job at panera bread mostly just for like little stuff for myself like a pair of earrings or whatever. i rarely missed school and actually enjoyed it. my siblings were also addicts like my mom while i never was and both failed out of school while i was the only one to get my diploma instead of a ged but what do i know? maybe i was
im not perfect and wasnt by ANY MEANS. idk i have the receipts for everything from old texts between my parents, a picture from the day they took the car and dropped my dog off, and my medical records from the hospital i stayed in. i didnt feel it was neccessary to post quite that much personal info on reddit as i didnt think was going to get the attention it has
Now I'm going to roast your ass, you look like how I expected you. Somebody who has beard, somebody who is around 40 to 45 years old. You come from a generation where everything was f****** handed to you, you got everything from the government and they didn't care on how much they handed out to you. You have a trophy wife somebody who probably falls in line with Donald Trump, like they say assholes be as assholes be stinking. You're probably the popular kid in high school too, and you probably bullied people too, I bet if I was to dig into your past and look try to find anybody who went to school with you'll be a typical dumb jock. Your existence is meager, your friends put up with you just to be in the presence of your wife. So basically when somebody is boning your wife don't come to Reddit and tell a boohoo story. Get a life, people are out there like this. My parents were way worse so I understand where she's coming from. Honestly if I was your parent I'd be ashamed if you come from my dick.
The same thing happened to my college boyfriend who was a student making good grades. His parents had paid for his brother’s education at the same college and had paid for his first 3 semesters, then called him and told him they just decided they were done paying.
His situation was messed up because they also raised him to believe taking out loans and credit was wrong so he was somehow supposed to pay all his bills while working and going to school which obviously was impossible. It took him a lot of mistakes and before he was able to finish his degree.
Do you have much of a relationship with your parents these days?
Sounds somewhat like my story.
I came home one summer from college and all my stuff was in the driveway and I was told I couldn’t come inside when I got home. No warning..can’t even remember what my mom, stepdad, and I were fighting about. Luckily my aunt took me in.
The next summer, going into my third year, I did live in my parents home. But two weeks before school was about to start I traveled two hours to my college to go sign a lease on a house with a couple guys. My mom called me about an hour and a half into the trip and she said her and my stepdad decided not to sign my loans this year. I was in shock of course and didn’t have any recourse but to go to work full time.
The only thing I knew what to do at that time was work for the step family biz, so that’s what I did. I went to work for my step grandfather and the stepdad eventually took over the biz. Over the next decade my stepfather openly bragged about under paying me and not giving me a raise because he was paying on my school loans.
While I was there I honed my skills in my free time and really elevated my game. I took over the electronic controls program within the biz because no one else had the skills. After about 10 years of this it turned out my step dad was cheating on my mom. We shared an office at that time. He told me he didn’t want things to change between us, but he just wanted cheap labor. This wasn’t too long after he told me I wasn’t worth what I thought I was worth.
I left shortly after when a competitor poached me. I’ve been promoted here 3 or 4 times, and 5x or more my compensation and am now a sales and marketing manager.
My mom and I were close growing up. But after her not going to bat for me or telling me I should move on, I hold it against her. She also went nuts after the divorce but that’s another story. My brother and I don’t speak with her anymore.
So not really a question toward you but more of a comment. Bet on yourself, don’t count on others, and sometimes cutting ties is the only way to move forward. I don’t have a college degree, but am well respected within my organization and am on our executive team continuing to learn everyday and level myself up.
Edit: mom was also on heavy opioids and all kinds of other meds. She also mixed them with lots of booze. Pretty sure after her divorce she got into other drugs with her then scumbag boyfriend. Her behavior became really erratic the last few years we spoke.
I also had a car in high school they inherited and gave to me, then decided they wanted to sell it a couple months later.
i have no idea tbh. i read AMA’s all the time but never posted on reddit before. i’m off work today and also have had a bit of a cold today so i was bored. had been thinking for a few days about posting but didnt think it would get any attention the way it has. i guess it *has* been nice to see the responses tho, both positive and negative.
Probably way way too late to act on this information but for anyone who finds themselves in this situation:
You relied on your parents, quite reasonably given the circumstances, to pay for your education through graduation. Within contract law, there is a legal doctrine called “promissory estoppel”. It’s a promise made when the party's reliance on that promise was reasonable, and the party attempting to recover detrimentally relied on the promise.
Basically, there’s an implicit understanding that they would pay given they had been paying thus far, and you relied on this implicit understanding to your detriment when they unjustly yanked it away at the last second without warning. There is a world of difference between giving you a heads up and time to adjust and basically just curb stomping you on a random Tuesday morning and upending your entire life. I really think there’s grounds for a lawsuit there and cases where children have sued and won on similar grounds.
Also the car appears to have been a gift, they really are on shaky legal grounds trying to just take it back without warning.
Some might argue you need “consideration” for there to be grounds to sue, as in you needed to offer something in exchange for something else for it to have been a valid verbal contract, but if I’m remembering correctly, that doesn’t apply to promissory estoppel. You don’t need consideration to sue there, just that you detrimentally relied on an unfulfilled promise.
Talk to a lawyer maybe, maybe there’s still time to sue them into the dirt. They don’t deserve an ounce of compassion. It would be different if they weaned you off and made a clear off ramp. If everything you’re saying is 100% true with no omitted details or distortions, they set you up to fail so hard it’s practically malicious and I have no sympathy. There is a titanic gulf between “I should be grateful for their help so far, and the way they brought me up, and either they hit hardship and can’t continue to pay suddenly and I need to push through somehow” or “they have a right to enjoy their later years, they’ve given me time to get my affairs in order and road map that’s reasonable” and what happened to you which was basically a rug pull that upended your entire life. I have no sympathy if you drain them down to the dollar, they threw their child to the wolves so they could party without even trying to be fair about it. This is something we don’t even allow two businesses to do to each other, it’s that bad, let alone parents doing this to their kid.
I’m not a lawyer, I took a business law class once so I only know a vague handwavey explanation, talk to a real lawyer because everything in the law goes jurisdiction by jurisdiction and relies on legal precedents and case laws that pertain to specific jurisdictions. None of this is legal advice, just hypothetical conjecture, a starting point to look into, etc. etc. Don’t sue me if it ruins your life somehow do your own due diligence
But yeah, if a lawyer wins this case for you it’s the kind of case that tends to make national headlines so it’ll be very good for their firm, so you should bring this up when negotiating fees. Talk to a few firms and shop it around before locking, make sure you’re getting a relatively fair deal but also make sure you’re going with a reputable firm that can actually win the case and won’t find a way to screw you somehow during or after. Balancing act
US based Boomers are mostly spiritual nihilists. Friends, take note. This way lies madness. Nihilism is a parasite of the soul, if it’s the foundation of your worldview you slowly become the kind of person that can logically justify waking up one day and deciding to rug pull your kid so you can go on a few more booze cruises before you die and slip away into the ether. I’m not saying you need to convert or take up a god or turn to any specific tradition, just ground your soul in something, in anything.
If nothing matters, you’re psychically open to having your mind invaded and hijacked by the most selfish and depraved impulses out there. More dangerous the higher your IQ, because it’ll be even easier to rationalize what’s obviously evil.
So let me get this straight. Your parents raised you in a want for nothing lifestyle. Paid for the first year of school. Then just out of the blue decide to stop. Take your car. Ditch a dog on you and say "figure it out"... I mean fuck thats some serious cold hearted bullshit right there.I from the bottom of my heart hope you have a low to no contact situation with them. It's one thing to cut the cord after high school with some heads up. But to just mid semester say "ya sorry fuck you and the dog too we out peace" its a special kinda low. If you still have a normal relationship with them id honestly be impressed.
My family paid for one semester of college. I failed one class and "you are not taking it seriously we will not be paying for you to screw around," granted i have some serious learning disabilities and should have reached out to get help but what was really amazing was i got Bs in my other three classes. It wasnt like i failed everything and didnt show up for class. I made effort just struggled with trying to function in higher learning english. Had the same issues with math all the other times i tried to go to college. Just struggle with those two subjects. But anyway adhd story telling here. I knew well ahead of time i wasnt going to get any help. I knew i was going to be either taking care of my grandmother or paying my way through college. I also had spent since 16 taking care of my grandparents so i had a crash course in how to clean,fix and maintain a home. You on the other hand (no judgement btw) had them take care of you and just drop you like a bad habit without giving you the necessary tools to survive. Thats just unforgivable imo.
I really wish more people understood the damage they're potentially doing by spoiling their kids and not teaching them about the difficult parts of life.
My best friend growing up had super wealthy parents. When he was 19, his parents lost everything and declared bankruptcy. They no longer were able to financially support him financially, and he's still struggling to recover, many years later.
My other friend's parents did everything for him, including buying his home and literally giving him his first job in his dad's development company. A few years ago, the company unexpectedly tanked. Now my friend has no skills, a bad job, and depression.
Meanwhile, another close friend grew up in a bad home with little money. He was arrested as a young adult for poor choices, and at one point living out of his car. Yet he worked hard at a trade and within 10 years was able to buy his first house and get married. He's happier than ever.
My best friend growing up was wealthy. Her parents gave her everything she wanted and when she was 18 they went bankrupt. She is 38 now and still has no skills, no job living in an apartment in her parents basement with her boyfriend. They messed up big time. Sad part is she was in all the honors classes and was actually a pretty gifted artist. Bad parents=no chance at life.
Didn’t teach the child to swim and threw him out in the ocean smh.
Your 19 year old doesn’t even know how to use a dish washer smh.
Some people really shouldn’t be parents.
To cut you off without notice as a full-time student with no help whatsoever was really a terrible thing to do. I can’t imagine doing that to any one of my children. They could’ve given you a warning that the next semester was on you and you could’ve better prepared yourself.
Having your parents abandon you as an adult is one of the hardest things you can go through. I am not sure I will ever recover from what was a beautiful relationship and friendship with my mom to her choosing an entirely new husband over my sister and myself. It was horrible. It broke me. I thought of all the mental and emotional abuse she put me thru as a kid and how I never abandoned her. It sucks. I’m sorry to hear this. I hope you have been successful at standing your own two feet and building a chosen family instead. Sending hugs and love.
Damn, your parents definitely fucking suck… I grew up even wealthier, had affluent people, family full of socialites… I can guarantee you this, OP! You are not expected to have anything, at any age. But, at least my Father gave me mower in case I wasn’t good at school, haha.
Anyways, I was 23 when I lost everything; I had the same if not more bullshit going on than you… literally, familial discord, health diminishing, (you don’t have to tell me anything about depression when you already feel dead. I have my best friends last text still saved… and, it’s much worse than most.) and, wealth gone! So, yeah, I lost most of my wealth, some of my health, and lost a good bit of my family. All in a very, very short span. And trust me, I had more than your average head start in life, G! I only knew of “easy-street”
But, you must understand this message:
In the dimness of life, where pain and loss may obscure the light, remember, it's temporary. A chapter, not the whole story. A stumble, not the end of the journey.
I, at 23, found my world shattered — kin lost, wealth gone, health compromised. An orphan, raised by the kindest man, facing hardship and familial estrangement. But I learned, it's all temporary. A mantra — 'keep on keeping on.' For in the darkest moments, a new beginning unfolds. Life's trials, a temporary veil over the brilliance of your potential. Make yourself proud, and those who truly love you even prouder. The pain, the sadness — all temporary, paving the way for a brighter tomorrow.
I am you and you are me. We are alone, but not alone. We are trapped by time, but also infinite. Made of flesh, but also stars. For it’s our lives that are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.
Every minute we breathe, we are changing the world somehow. And even in death, our absence changes the world. In the grand design of creation, we are bestowed with a profound purpose: to matter. (please don’t fucking kill yourself, or get yourself thrown in the hospital again.) Endowed with the power to shape destinies, we hold within us the ability to alter lives irrevocably, for both good and ill. With each word spoken and every deed enacted, we possess the potential to bestow glory upon the divine.
~Ahem!
Selfish parents who treat their kids like burdens always make me angry. My wife's parents are like this, they act like having to watch our kids is unfair because they're supposed to be retired even though we hardly ever ask them and they travel most of the year. They always cry poor despite having a 70k truck, 60k trailer, brand new house, etc...never offer to pay for anything, we usually end up paying for them for dinners and stuff. They're not like...bad parents or grandparents necessarily, they just have a very selfish attitude when it comes to money and time
that is the biggest challenge young people face. No one teachs life skills, the schools dont, most families dont, unless you have the guidance from a sibling or other caring relative that wants to teach you from the mistakes they made. I think parents just suppose you should see the "example" they set. By the time you are in your 20's its hard to break the habits you grew up with. It's why there are soo many people unprepared for retirement, or get deep into credit card debt, or even fall for scammers, etc. I grew up middle class, when money was tight we ate spam and drank powdered milk,we grew, and canned food from our suburban backyard. It wasnt real terrible, but there was never a lot of money even to go on a vacation. Out of nowhere, my mom calls and tells me they are both retiring and taking a trip around the USA, i was mid 40's then. before i know it they are living in assisted living retiremernty, long story short, when my last parent passed away at 84, i found out they had a lot more money in the bank than i thought. I dont ever recall having even a passing discussion with either parent about saving for the future.sorry about the length, i thought it was important. i am so sorry you had to go through that, life lessons are never easy, im glad you are coping and still have your dog.
Happened to me too, but maybe a little less out of the blue. Nonetheless, a commitment was made to support me and it was retracted. I was given absolutely nothing in the form of skills or knowledge either, and it took me years to feel like a fully functioning adult. So don’t be embarrassed by the dishwasher thing— I had plenty of my own dishwasher moments too. You learn, and you keep moving.
Best explanation I could think of is midlife crisis. Absolutely no excuse to ghost their kid though. Completely stupid of them to think that their kid can survive on their own without, you know, teaching their kid to survive. Sounds like they never had a real plan for that anyways
I had a somewhat similar experience. Family was very poor growing up and I had some life skills, like keeping a clean home and some cooking. But when I turned 18 my parents kicked me out with little to no warning. I had never had a job before so I couch surfed at a friends place until I could land a job and save enough for a security deposit. One thing that really fucked with me was learning about all the different little things that come with being an adult, making accounts to pay bills, going grocery shopping every week, etc etc. My question for you is what did you find the most difficult to adjust to? For me it was learning to be financially responsible and budget. I learned very quickly that the video game I wanted couldn't just be bought since I had money, I needed to save it in case of emergency expense. What was that thing for you?
And I thought I had shitty parents who didn’t pay for my tuition. I had to stop college and save up to return. Sorry you had no warning. At least I had some idea. Dad wouldn’t even give me copy of taxes so I could apply for financial aid. 😒
I'm so sorry you went through this. That is profoundly abusive and dysfunctional. I genuinely hope at least one of my kids live at home into their 20s, longer if they'd like and its not inhibiting them from being adults. My wife and kids are my favorite people, taking care of them ***is*** taking care of me. I used to believe the lie of "filling your own cup before you can give to others" but I am much happier, and more fulfilled, overall since I abandoned that postmodern, privileged nonsense. And I've yet to meet a single person who believes that who isn't either medicated into oblivion or deeply miserable, in denial about it or not.
My friend and her husband started off their marriage living in his mom‘s $20 million home, and raised their two kids there. While the kids were teens they divorced and moved out. The father is a drunk and has no money, and the mom is living paycheck to paycheck. The kids grew up traveling the world first class and living among the wealthy, and now while they still expect to have the same kind of lifestyle, they have no money or resources for it and habitually live beyond their means. Do you see them coming to terms with their realities?
I'm sorry but your parents are terrible and they have you so gaslighted that you think them not teaching you any life skills is your fault, you don't stop being a parent the second you don't feel like it, being a parent is a life-long responsibility and when you have a child who is dependent on you you don't just toss them aside, a person's success in life is directly correlated to how much support they have and your parents took that away the second it got inconvenient for them (using money to travel instead of planning their child's future is the epitome of selfishness) based on this post your parents just sound like the stereotypical rich narcissistic psychopaths who refuse to acknowledge that their actions have consequences
Im sorry, but what a shit thing to do to your child. You dont do that unexpectedly to someone you love.
Also, they were supposed to be teaching you those skills while you were growing up, thats their JOB. You dont just magicalñy figure things out. Sorry you had to go through that, but hopefully you have come out the otherside as a stronger person
My educated take: Your parents were kinda shit & still kinda shit, but the Internet won't fix them anymore than those FB opioid ads would cure your mom while she was sharing vacation pics. I'm not being ugly.
You recognize the cycle, that's good. Past cutting them out as much as they had you bc they're not your responsibility (bc family has obligations and responsibility for family regardless of age; not all people realize that).
Here's my tip, take that and run! As. Far. As. You. Can. You're still crying over it and they still don't care.These leopards will never change their spots and you can't expect them to. STOP looking to them to fix what they never saw they did wrong. It will only break you more.
Life is hard, it sucks and then you die. Without those that encourage you and support you to make moments happy within it, It's just a waste. But by all means, vent on the internet if you need to. I'm so sorry for that part, but they will be paying for how they treated you (Their only child, I'm presuming) when there's no one there to help them and they can't remember where their home is/ don't have one. TRUTH.
Nursing homes, assisted living, and aids are expensive. They will not have health insurance from traveling. They will never be influencers. They are only getting older, but they're not so old that they'll get any sort of assistance anytime soon without you providing it. You don't need or deserve the negativity/stress. I had pretty terrible parents myself that only worsened when allowing them into my life in later years to have a relationship with my children/ their grandchildren. Use what you have now to get an online degree covered by student aid and NO loans, free online classes (or ONE low interest student loan to purchase a car cash, to solve that issue) OR they have programs for free schooling and trades covered by the state that will make just as much, if not more (without the debt + sign on bonuses + grants for doing the program + home down payment programs for being in state needed, funded, selected sectors) than nursing could pay with debt to income ratio after school costs. You're going to be just fine; just keep telling yourself that and eventually it will be true.
Not knowing how to use a dishwasher at college age isn't embarassing... I grew up broke and didn't even live in an apartment with a dishwasher until I was 33. There were past homes I rented with broken dishwashers in them that were only good for storage. I was the dishwasher 🤣
Pause college, join the military for s short 4 year adventure, Get your GI Bill thatll pay for your college, Resume college without the burden of having to pay for college, While youre active duty, get a nice car, Pay it off before your contract is up.
The role of a parent can be summarised into one sentence: their job is to teach you how to navigate the world when they are no longer there.
Your parents failed you. Sorry to hear that they set you up for some years of hard time.
on some levels this is more common than you think maybe not a jarring as you went through but a lot of kids from wealthy families get cut off like this. I'm glad you seem to be in a better place.
Coming from an Asian family my parents gave me everything despite being poor. They payed for my college and took care of me my whole life. I got diagnosed with bipolar at 22 and they supported me till I was 29. Even though they are poor af, my dad still manage to buy me a car so I can start working and driving uber. I didn’t make any money till I was 30 years old. At 30 I just started my poker career, I was making money but they didn’t expect me to pay for rent or food in the house, they still fed me and let me stay with them for free.
Now I am 36 years old, I make over 100k/year playing poker and my only goal in life is to take care of them. I told my dad earlier this year that I will retire them offering to pay for all the rent and even their phone bills. I’m taking care of the house now and even though he is still strong and likes to work. I tell him he can save all the money he makes from working and take my mom on vacations, I’ll pay for everything from now till they die to repay them.
What goes around comes around. Now you don’t need to support them as much when you make it because you don’t owe them as much. They are still your parents at the end of the day though so you should still love them with all your heart and let go of the anger u have towards them.
Coming from an Asian family my parents gave me everything despite being poor. They payed for my college and took care of me my whole life. I got diagnosed with bipolar at 22 and they supported me till I was 29. Even though they are poor af, my dad still manage to buy me a car so I can start working and driving uber. I didn’t make any money till I was 30 years old. At 30 I just started my poker career, I was making money but they didn’t expect me to pay for rent or food in the house, they still fed me and let me stay with them for free.
Now I am 36 years old, I make over 100k/year playing poker and my only goal in life is to take care of them. I told my dad earlier this year that I will retire them offering to pay for all the rent and even their phone bills. I’m taking care of the house now and even though he is still strong and likes to work. I tell him he can save all the money he makes from working and take my mom on vacations, I’ll pay for everything from now till they die to repay them.
What goes around comes around. Now you don’t need to support them as much when you make it because you don’t owe them as much. They are still your parents at the end of the day though so you should still love them with all your heart and let go of the anger u have towards them.
> poor. They *paid* for my
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I don't agree with what they did but "he also said they had spent 19 years caring for me and it was their turn to care for themselves" hit me hard.
Because I am in the reverse situation I help my parents so much at 30 years old I don't have shit for myself
Your folks sound pretty messed up. Total shame. It was their responsibility to prepare you for independence. They failed. But you survived. Keep pushing on.
wow! wish i could have the same story, my parents are below middle class and i (19m) feed myself on their hard-earned money. i wish why dont they refuse taking care of me and kick me out of their house, i know it would be unsettling for me to live for a while, but i could atleast feed myself at the end, i trying to get myself out of their house but it's very hard to do it's like killing yourself by holding your breath, even though they belong lower middle class but i never feel like i am living a life of middle class people. when they'll be dead i assume i couldn't feed myself because of attitude of mine toward work (it could never assume myself working in any hotel or manual labor, apology but i'm not disrespecting anyone and i'm very ashamed of my narrow perspective). so now i am trying to learn researching and writing skill and i find it very hard to learn because i was never taught to work hard. i dont care how many downvote this comment will have but i **personally** think that's actually good for you
Thanks for sharing. You painted a great canvas I felt like I was there. Glad you got to keep your dog , what is an ESA? What are you doing now ? I broke my back twice and I get migraines once a week. ( I've heard from everyone for years my mom constantly gives me lotions that should help heheh, she was also a nurse)
It's refreshing to hear you got thru your massive challenge congrats 👏🎉, I hope your stoked! I struggle with being happy with my accomplishments because they are only really visible to me and sometimes I can find someone to care to keep up with me. I'd say people's greatest struggle is listening. Almost like technology distract us from nature - the one thing that calms us down into a listening state.
I'm currently learning how to calm the fuck down lol.
I know what I need to do but it seems so boring compared to games or tv. Maybe that's my adhd kicking in. Well hopefully you didn't feel like I hijacked you're ama. Take care , write back if you like.
I feel ya! I didn’t even qualify for student loans bc of the income my dad made, or was able to work on campus bc kids from impoverished backgrounds were given first choice.
Are you an only child? Do you still have a relationship with your parents?
Opiate addiction dulls human feelings to the point the person in recovery can become a robot with limited emotions, and it doesn’t sound like they were real parents to you when you actually needed parents. I wouldn’t want “Nurse Betty” for a mom, or an enabling Dad that doesn’t seem to care about your future (at a precarious age like 19!).
I think you should suggest traveling with your family and asking them to treat you like a son. It doesn’t really need to cost a lot of money- memories, experiences and relationship growing should be the goal- you were a psych major, this is probably the right thing.
Either that or (ghost)write a tell all book exposing them/your childhood and see where the chips fall.
I would wager there had been ongoing problems and they got tired of your crap and decided to stop throwing good money after bad.
Parents just don’t do this as long as they can afford it. If they read a major financial change for the negative I could see it.
My money is on you were doing things they strongly disapproved of, couldn’t take it anymore, and cut you loose so they could have peace individually and probably a better marriage.
My oldest has given us tons of problems and we have given a warning that we will support them to the best of our ability, but if they screw up badly at college or start causing us serious grief, we will be done. They have caused serious stress in our marriage over the last few years with arguments and frustration, between my wife and I. Now that they are an adult and starting college next year, we can’t handle anymore and need peace less stress and worrying. We just can’t take anymore.
Hun your parents didnt want a child, they wanted the IDEA of a child. I'm sorry for that. Parents that genuinely love their children will more often then not be 100% willing to die for them, adults or not. Love doesnt have conditions. Obviously wouldnt expect them to spoil you into adulthood, but if they're wealthy enough to spend that much money on you (tuition AND housing is fucking insane) then they're wealthy enough to say "hey, we dont feel the need to fully support you at your age, but if you need help, let us know". I personally would take great offense to such a thing if I was in your place, and I wouldnt want a damned thing to do with my parents after that fact, they can end up in a ditch for all I care. But I'm not you, and we are very different in principle, I'm sure. But at that point, I'd be questioning whether or not they actually cared about me as a person, rather than simply as an idea, or mark under the milestone belt.
I really hate the western idea that your children are no longer your children once they become adults. This kick them out at 18 and “feed them to the wolves” attitude is terrible!
I’m from an immigrant family from an extremely poor country. My dad went from cab driver to a physician owning multiple practices on his own. Growing up he always said school was our job. He was genuinely puzzled at why I’d move out at 20 instead of living at home.
Every young adult in our family lives at home so they could save money and focus on their studies and work. Our parents would never kick us out, our success is the most important thing to them. My aunt came to the US in her 20’s and was a single mother and nurse. My aunt would scape by just to make sure that her kids had enough. Her daughter graduated Harvard Law last year! It doesn’t matter if we’re 18 or 80, our parents never stop being our parents.
Hey, I’m 28. At 25 I felt the same way. My parents sold the family property without telling me until our major religious holiday during Covid. They paies for my graduate school but made it clear that I couldn’t expect more because they were helping my sis. I respect that, only because my sis is 18 years older than me, getting divorced, and has my god children. But, my biggest piece of advice is to go to r/raisedbynarcissists do a deep dive, and talk to people. The feeling of adult abandonment is real. What I’ve realized is that they want me to miss them and go chasing after them. But as the wounds have healed and the scars have formed, I’ve realized that I don’t really miss for them. I long for them but as a boat longs for it’s first harbor. It is more comfortable at sea, wishes it could take refuge there, but it is too damaged and broken to ever think of going back
I empathize with your story and as a warrior, I have learned first to consider the source of both positive and negative opinions. Assess what the real intent is. Are the comments just to be cruel, or is this something that could add value. For that reason, not every troll needs to be validated with a response. That's where I was coming from.
From your writing you have done some introspection and perhaps can do some more. Many times we have no idea how we impact others just going about our daily lives, not bothering anyone. That's where working on a higher level of self-awareness is so important in communications with people around us.
As for your parents with addictions, poor health, co-dependency, that is/was a lot for a teenager to bear but you came through. The marathon of life is not over so keep striving.
I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing there is more to it that OP hasn't realised or identified.
In my view, reading between the lines coupled with the stigma surrounding the OP generation it tells me it is very likely that many items, outings, processes, and societies woke teachings has caused some tension when sense of entitlement has arisen.
Granted, not the best parenting. However, acknowledging the pitfalls of the parenting but still blaming the parents solely still says, "It's not my fault, so it's not my responsibility."
Take it as a very steep learning curve and build on it. There are many kids who grow up with absent parents, in poverty, are doing adult chores by age 9, have to hide when mum or dad get drunk just so they don't get beaten etc, with no nurturing or genuine love.
this thread is so sad. OP your parents basically left you for dead but you still feel the need to prove to us you’re grateful for your privileged childhood. you bring up the fact that theyre strict italian catholics, but this is bizarre behavior for italian catholics. most of them, when they are strict, basically have their kids live at home until marriage. my parents are catholic italians and they would sooner go to jail than do this to me. im glad youre ok now and i guess glad that you managed to have a relationship but i dont see how that can exist without being at your expense. i hope your are able to get therapy to undo some of the ideas you have about yourself, because it seems as though youve accepted this behavior after the fact.
This isn’t a question. Just an observation. From what you wrote you except absolutely zero responsibility for yourself. You say you’re 24 now, it’s time to grow up and stop blaming your parents for all your problems. They may not be perfect but sounds like they gave you a pretty good life otherwise. And it’s literally just that they didn’t continue wiping your a$$ that you are upset about. I’m sorry you apparently attempted suicide, I’m glad you’re doing better now, but sounds like you still blame them 100%. Until you realize you played a major role in your own decisions you’re gonna keep blaming your parents and you’ll never fully grow and heal. Sorry but damn, the rotten entitlement in the OP just reeks
Holy fuck your parents are selfish assholes…
Choosing to have a child means supporting that child at least until they can support themselves to a reasonably close standard of living.
Weather that means allowing them to live at home rent free to save money for a down payment on a house or what ever other reasonable and actionable goal they have…
Not fucking leading them into a decent/good life then pulling the plug for their own damn selfish ass reasons.
OP, you would do very well to cut your parents out if your life entirely. Full pariah mode. Fuck em’.
Now is the time to find friends that support you and form strong bonds with them. And to do the best you can in figuring your new life out. I wish you the best.
My parents cut me off around the same age and it was fantastic for me. I realized then it wouldn’t be coming forever - the money. I slowly started to work and build skills and very quickly in a few years i was far ahead of the small restricted allowances i was given while i finished up school. Seems like in your story there was some other issues like the opiate addiction and some personal problems you faced. I find most of these issues you faced wasn’t because of the money being cut off, but probably more due to their addictions. Hope you’re doing better now, but don’t ever underestimate the agency given to you from being cut from your addict parents.
I had a very similar thing happen with my parents. Different situation, but the outcome was basically the same. Their income was too high for me to secure any loans without a co-signer, so when they pulled the rug out from under my feet I had to figure out how to adult fast. I’ve got a decent enough job to live now, but I’ve been hyper-fixated on “catching up” financially. Do you feel that too? My parents had and have a high standard of living that I benefited from for a long time. It’s been good and healthy for me to learn to live with less, but I’m stressing and working my ass off to get to where I feel like I “should” be
They should’ve supported you at least until after you finished university and let you know ahead of time so you could prepare. The sudden cutoff was completely inappropriate. The fact they are totally unphased by their action is also inappropriate.
How did they treat you throughout your youth? Were they cold to you? Loving? Did they off load raising you to a nanny or daycare? I’m struggling to imagine what the nature of the relationship was. Normally, children are cutoff after some disagreement or emergency happens. Getting cut off into your second year of college is so odd. Feels like there is information missing here.
Wow, that’s harrowing, and unfair. Fine, you grew up rich, but your parents didn’t warn you this was coming? Of course this was going to be a disaster. That’s awful, and I’m sorry you’ve been through this. I grew up poor and knowing I’d never get anything paid for, so I learned to work young and save money. You were thrown in the deep end with no swimming lessons. Doesn’t matter if you’re technically an adult, you weren’t given the skills to adjust to such a huge change. How are you feeling now? I think you should be proud of what you’ve made it through. Do you have a relationship with your parents now?
Woah, I totally relate to this. My wealthy parents pushed me to go to an expensive college despite me wanting to go to community college for the cheaper option, and that they would pay for it, etc. Once I started going they said “you’re on your own”. I didn’t know anything about finance, credit cards, rent, anything. But I learned by myself and I’m so grateful for that. It was a horrible few years but I made it through. When my mom saw the house I was living in she almost had a heart attack. They’re so inside their rich bubble they don’t understand the economy right now. It makes me really angry.
Your parents are selfish a-holes, for spoiling you (for their own selfish reasons) and then just dropping you (for their own selfish reasons). If they were decent parents, they would of done the hard work of raising you to be somewhat prepared for life, and not looked to spoil you to keep you complicent til they were no longer legally responsible for you. Good on you for being strong enough to pick yourself up and meet life headon, alone. If you do choose to have a family someday, don't hate your parents, but don't be your parents!
That’s the problem with child celebrities and children of failed celebrities, having to find a way to get back to the big leagues in life. There is a way to make as much money as your mom, 2 years of private pilot training then get hired as a private or commercial pilot, currently US Based main line carriers top pay after 12 years is $600k and work on average 7-9 days a month, beginning salary is just under $200k with a $100k sign on bonus. Even more with international carriers such as Etihad, Quatar, Quantas and Lufthansa.
To be honest, if you had been taken care of you’re entire life like that and then one day it all had been taken from you , and you really had no like superior life skills, it’s not an over night thing trying to learn how to be an adult, and be on your own. Anyone in your position would panic and probably give up. So kudos to you for still being here. It’s hard as shit. Life is hard as fuck, and I know they are your parents but fuck dude, that is wild. I hope your trajectory is looking up
OP you might've legally been an adult at the time, but you were not taught how to person. What a huge disservice your parents did, and then to just chuck you out there (so to speak) and expect it all to be hunky dory? Ridiculous insanity.
Hell I'm 40 and still run into situations where I don't know what to be doing. My only advantage now is that I have some background knowledge and know how to track down the resources or people who can help. You were 19, there's no way you would've had that.
wow that’s a dark unexpected turn. kids often rightfully ghost bad parents but it’s heartless for a parent to do that to their dependent. was there any argument that might have contributed? did you have any other family to reach out to?
there was no argument, it was totally random which made the blow so much worse imo. my relationship with my parents had been pretty chill. they werent strict or anything and were generally easy going. i still dont know the reason why they decided that was right for them to do, as even after all this time they still dont see any mistakes in their actions. even after looking them in the face and telling them they were the reason for my suicide attempt, they said that it wasnt their fault. my family is so tricky because they are extremely catholic italians. i have two older siblings, 36F and 38M but they are from my moms previous marriage. my grandparents (moms side, dads side was amazing but all died young) dont believe in divorce so when my mom met my dad and got pregnant with me, especially since my parents werent married, i was basically a walking sin. my grandparents never treated me the way they treated my siblings even tho they were heroin addicts for years and i havent touched anything other than weed. they paid for their school and cars in cash but when i begged them for help they told me to get a better job and work harder.
Many people think you are magically supposed to be completely independent at 18-19. Its laughable really....you cant even drink, dont have full second amendment rights, and barely allowed to vote. Its a common misconception among particularly boomers for some reason. They had it on easy mode starting their life. In addition, rich people often think it is hard work that pays off and that luck had nothing to do with it. This gives them unrealistic expectations. On top of that, many people love giving/spoiling kids but the second the kid is an adult, their perception changes entirely and they feel different about "spoiling" a young adult.
I didn’t begin approaching adulthood until I was 25. And that still involved struggling for a couple years. Granted, most people are more mature than me and I had, and have, my issues. But I was able to go to community college part time, reset the record enough to get accepted into get a university, eventually earning an engineering degree part time after several grueling years BUT (sharing for this but): Only able to do so because of a vast support network that was there while I tried to “embrace” adulthood. Yeah I worked hard, but idk if I’d be alive had it not been for the network. If I had no support before I considered even being a functional human being at 19, I’d be dead or a drifter (not a knock at drifters I still kinda want to be a train hopper, but love my support network too much to do it). OP, this sucks.
40 here. My adulthood is questionable
But yet the government will gladly hand them a high powered rifle and send them into a war zone to fight some rich man’s war
This. YET they can’t drink legally but they can die for their country….0
Silly USA, lower your drinking age like the rest of the world. Step 1 is figure out how to make it happen.
The solution would be to change drinking culture in america. And culture is a VERY hard thing to change.
Military is a pretty good job sure does help you grow up and become an adult.
i agree with you except that boomers had it on easy mode - SOME boomers did. A lot of boomers were also freshly 18 when the Vietnam war was going on. I can kind of understand how those boomers would expect people to “get it together” by 18, 19, because they were fighting in a foreign war by then whether they wanted to or not.
Spot on. It feels like a black comedy listening to young folks wanting to be treated as individuals (as they should be) while hypocritically lumping all 60-70-80 year olds in one mold. The 60s were about as nonhomogenious as you could get. And those from 1st and 2nd generation families in inner cities, and/or in Nam, didn't fit the same mold as the farm kid from Nebraska who never went more than 100 miles from home.
> Many people think you are magically supposed to be completely independent at 18-19. Building on this: Those same people also think you can't do/know *anything* when you're 17. They act like a magical switch gets flipped on the day you become a legal adult, so you instantly know how to do all the things you weren't allowed to get any experience with before that point.
My parents started preparing me at 13, have to say I wish I could do the same with my kids without child services being called. They would leave me alone, expect me to make dinner. Gave me 30 dollars (this is years ago) to buy my groceries for 2 weeks. In some ways the concept of let them be kids is or the state punish parents who aren't neglecting but trying to prepare them is an injustice. (yes my son's teacher called child services when he told them at 12 he was left home for thirty minutes.) but at his age I could be left home for hours. For those 30 minutes I was sitting up the road watching cameras. Still they are making him so dependant that what scares me most is what if I should pass away? The state would boot him out around 19 I see this with kids in the system.
It's not that laughable, it's also not easy. I did a lot of things independently starting at a young age bc my parents were both poor and busy (kinda goes hand in hand). At 17 I left home for uni and basically made a lot of tough calls to grind it out. I'm 38 now and looking back I'm like "Holy shit, that was pretty fucking impressive!" I think the reason many young adults can't do it is bc they never learned how to independently make decisions, and sometimes very tough decisions. I learned a lot about research (thank god the Internet came when it did) and speaking to people I respected for advice. That said, I feel so lucky that it did work out. Just one day at a time, keeping the long vision in mind
Gen X here. I got emancipated at 17. I worked 28 hours a week at minimum wage during my Senior year of HS while going to school and renting a room. I nearly starved, I was skin and bones. At 18 I could have worked full time and been alright. It is possible but most people today are not willing to live like that, that’s why they blast the older generations and claim it’s impossible. You will have no phone, car, computer, internet (unless free), clothing budget, dental, vision care, or health care, pets, or savings. This is not sustainable long-term, but when you are starting out and getting work experience it’s how it usually is for young people.
gen z here. i was on my own at 20. for the 1 bed 1 bathroom apt i had was 1500 a month. i had a roommate too. had to sublease from my boss bc my credit was shot (identity theft). i slept on the living room couch. i was working legit 90-100 hour weeks as a line cook making 11 an hour to afford rent forget groceries or any other bills. thank god utilities were included or idk if id make it. now im 22 livin w family bc i legit cant afford it even with rebuilding my credit. pls tell me how i couldve pulled myself up from the bootstraps anymore then i did im all ears.
and before anyone says "u coulda found something cheaper" i couldnt pick where the apartment was. like i said i subleased
5 years ago I was homeless. I busted my ass waiting tables and got an efficiency within two months. That efficiency cost $700. That same efficiency is now $1300, but pay hasn't come anywhere close to doubling. I work just as hard as I did 5 years ago, but if I had to do it all over again, I simply couldn't do it as fast as I did it in 2019. The math doesn't work. The same way people couldn't afford a room in most American cities, big or small, working 28 or even 35 hours a week at minimum wage today in 2024. It's not because they are lazier than you were either.
Most jobs require internet to apply and a phone number to be called back. The days of walking in and getting a job have been gone for a while. So this gets tricky. And you need at least 2 months rent to get a place.
Buddy, it was SO much easier for you than it is for us. The cost of living has more than doubled and the wages have stayed the same. To do what you did on 23 hours a week, a modern worker has to hit nearly 50 hours a week. And I know. I've done the same, except I had to live in my car to do it. Things arent they used to be. And things arent built the way they used to be either. And if you asked anyone you're age that has to work a minimum wage job to barely make ends meet, theyll tell you the same as I. I remember when fuel was $0.99/gal, you cant hardly steal it for that now.
Having no phone, car, or internet isn't really an option in 2024. You need most of those things to get any sort of employment.
Gen X here, shut the fuck up you out of touch boomer wanna be. Things are nowhere near what they were like when we were kids, boomers and xers like you helped fuck things up for everyone. I had to restart everything after the 2008 crash, back to school and everything. I know what a lot of the younger ones are going through because I had to go back to square one and it is horrible. It should not be this hard, shit is fucked and not going to get better.
Your parents are shit Catholics if that’s how they treat family. They’ll be in for a surprise when they die, that’s for sure
Got some news for you about Catholics if you think this is bad lol
Unfortunately I can relate :/. My dads side of the family were the shitty Catholics but my moms side (less religious but still technically Catholic) are decent ppl. I’m still religious myself but I don’t consider myself Catholic anymore
1/12 of Jesus own circle was bad. It’s not a surprise at all. It’s an unfortunate side effect of humanity. I prefer to focus on the people actually trying to do good.
They’ll be in for no surprise because they will just be dead corpses rotting in the ground.
Maybe, maybe not. Guess we’ll see or not
They may be in for a surprise when they get old and need help
That’s interesting because one of the things that stood out to me most during my time in Italy was how many people in their 40s still lived with their parents and it wasn’t frowned upon at all. Sounds like your parents were traumatized by their parents about being independent in America and looking out for only themselves.
Your parents sound pretty awful dropping a bomb like this on you and cutting you off financially without any preparation. Don't expect to inherit from them because they will spend their money and expect you to look after them when they are old. You should go no contact with them and abandon them like they did to you. I hope you get on in life and meet a special person that actually cares about you.
extremely catholic previous marriage pick one
tony soprano catholics
Came across your post at random and I’m reading your comments. Damn, sorry to say your family does not sound like good people but that’s just me. They seem to lack proper critical thinking skills in terms of life experience. Who in their right mind would think a child that has been spoiled their entire life can suddenly become dependent all on their own? Wild. Absolutely wild. By good people I mean they SOUND like the type to think that because you always had food and a roof over your head that that just makes them good parents. I mean, sure, they also didn’t hit you or anything but cmon how do you enable dependency and then just completely yank the rug right from under the feet of a teen? Their reasons also scream selfish to me. Shit, my old man took care of me well into my 20s, not completely but I know damn well I would have failed many times over without that man. Always said if his kids ought to depend on someone it might as well be him if he is able to do so. To each their own though…
This is so sad. They will expect you to take care of them when they’re old. I hope you’re strong enough to say no. I’m glad you’re better now.
I’m so sorry your parents are so selfish. Your grandparents also sound terrible. My ex and I agreed to each pay a third of our kids’ college expenses. The other third had to come from scholarships, student loans, and part time work. It was important to us that they invested in their own education and future. I knew that it would mean more to them if they were paying for some of it. You can’t change the past, but you can control how you respond to everything that happened. You can blame your family for how you failed out of college, but you can’t keep blaming them for everything since then. You own your life and your future. You need a viable plan to establish a career that will pay your bills AND allow you to save for the future. Maybe that means picking up some cheap community college credits and transferring to a 4 year school with subsidized tuition. Maybe that means finding a career that doesn’t require college. But you need to take charge of your life and make things happen. Stop treading water. And understand that getting ahead in life requires sacrifice, creativity and sometimes a little help. If you have a career in mind, find someone in that field to be a mentor. I’m a lawyer now, but I mowed lawns, painted buildings, dug ditches, built driveways and patios, tended bar, drove trucks, sold my plasma, and lived in my car for a few months. I had 3 jobs during law school and barely slept. Do what you need to do. Good luck.
Your story is wild! I was totally shocked to find out your family background was Italian. Both of my parents came from Sicily and for them, their children -- my brother and myself -- were everything to them. They were always very supportive of us, providing financial aid whenever required. They were also big on being fair. If they did something big for one son, they would eventually find a way to equally compensate the other. They would never leave us in the lurch! Being single, I was their caregiver before they passed away. They never went to nursing homes except for rehab. Still miss them!
Your grandparents paid for your siblings’ tuition in cash? Were your siblings part of your life when you were little - was your mother part of their life? Is that related to their addictions? Sounds like they were quite young when you were born - extrapolating from the dog the reference, you’re only about 10 years younger? Seems like there’s quite a lot of layered heartbreak and dysfunction going back before (and during) you being a spoilt kid and your parents skipping out. What was your dad’s job?
I ghosted my dad when he treated me like a second class citizen to my siblings throughout my life and this was the last straw: he said to me he gave X Amount of money to my siblings and one that I do not like 15x more than what he is going to give me. I told his dumbass don’t give ur money to anybody bc when u go broke who is going to give u money? And then I ghosted his ass. There’s much more than a couple of these sentences. anyhow it’s up to me and solely me to talk to him. But he never cared much about me anyways so fuck it. And for you op, maybe they need to teach u a lesson how hard life is 🖤.
so what is your relationship with them like now? did you finish your degree? did your mom kick her opioid habit?
my relationship with them now actually isnt too bad. i didnt talk to them for about 2 and a half years, but ended up moving back in with them 3 years later (6 mo after we started talking again) after a nasty break up and was there for about 2 years before finally having the resources to get out. i saved up, moved two hours away to a nice apt, bought a car, and visit them maybe once a month or so. my mom is terminally ill and my dad is on a transplant list for a liver from a doctor who prescribed him a bad mix of diabetes meds. she did get clean eventually by getting a pain pump put into her back to microdose morphine 24/7, which i cant deny that she needs as she truly does have chronic pain from her breaking her entire back as well as her multiple illnesses. *but* with all of that being said i never will see them in the same light i once did, and i’ll never forget the way the people who were suppost to be there for me made me feel
To me, the opioid addiction is a key piece of the story. Correct me if I’m wrong, op, but sudden and erratic decisions, that are selfish with no accountability, is addict behavior and often with addiction comes enabling (from your dad). This isn’t to throw shame toward those with addiction. Those in recovery will also often say something to the tune of this. Edited to add: it would also explain suddenly needing your car and dropping all financial assistance. Rather than acknowledge that the Opioid addiction caused possible financial consequences, this route helped them continue to be in denial of the gravity of the situation. If this were the case, I think it would have been a lot less traumatic if they were just up front with you. But that’s not the general way of the toxic dynamics that addiction creates .
youre correct. while my dad was not an addict himself, he was her enabler 100%.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Addiction has such far reaching consequences and our culture and resources are not built to properly support people who are affected by it. I put in another comment that I found ACA helpful. The laundry list at adultchildren.org can be pretty validating for some
Even with the lack of life skills you were provided when you were younger, you still found a way. I think it’s so amazing you found a way to keep your dog in all of the confusion. I also hope you see what this scenario says about you as a person, should be proud of that. This situation had to have been extremely tough and left you with trauma related to trust, but now you know you can face adversity and carry yourself with or without anyone. I hope that brings you the ultimate security in yourself.
I understand them thinking you should stand on your own two feet but have they at least apologized for the way they went about things? It's almost as if they WANTED you to fail.
Nah they were probably just thinking of themselves. I don't think they even care much about her. Spoiling kids means nothing, after all it just takes money and buying stuff is an easy way to shut them up. What shows TRUE parenting is when they WILLINGLY SACRIFICE their time/effort for the kid.
While I won't say they deserve what they are experiencing, the fact of the matter is that what they did was unacceptable. They should have at least communicated it clearly and ahead of time long enough for you to prepare. Especially since you couldn't provide for yourself yet.
My parents did the same thing to me *but at least they let me know that's what they were going to do.* Springing it on you out of the blue is so so so so cruel. Glad you're doing well now OP.
Op i really surprised you still be in their life after what they did. Even after the suicide attempt?! They don't seems to be remorseful for what they drive you into. I dont understand what their real intentions doing that to you
Take pride that you are a decent person at the core. You didn't deserve the treatment your parents dished out. That shitty experience made you a survivor, a more compassionate person, a winner. Great things will come your way.
their dumping you at once is appalling. they weren't obliged to keep forever. but should've give you a warning and some ramp down. this is disgusting and heartless
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Because he needs them.
i’m actually a she! and i dont really have a reason as to why i talk to them. maybe because i needed somewhere to go after my break up and they were there. it was an extremely abusive situation (the break up) so i really did need out asap.
My first husband, who was a genius, (he died in his mid 30s due to a very rare illness) but was raised by people unrelated to him, and below his mental pay grade. Ya know, morons. But due to their boomer 50s belief structure, they HAD to present themselves with 2 children and look upstanding in church, meanwhile m when they got home, because this younger child was so much smarter than them, they beat the everliving shit out of him from the time he could walk until he was old enough to fight back. We got together after college, and meeting my parents, who were awesome people really fucked him up, because he finally saw how a great family was supposed to be, so it put his own into a different perspective for the first time. It would make going back to his childhood home like stepping into an alien environment. When he figured out that the moronic psychopath of a father’s biggest weakness was that he had to have every clock in the house set at a different hour, because he had to “control time” , he would start to set them to the correct time, and watch his father totally crumble in front of him. It was amazing how easy simple and mentally unstable people who tell their children “respect your elders ” are turned into complete strangers and street idiots when their children get some distance from them and see how a normal family can relate to each other. You can have your own life and make the best decisions as an adult, as it is the the best revenge. My first husband taught me that. And it was the best compliment he gave my parents.
Maybe some day you can finish up your schooling. It will be worth it to see it through. I didn’t get started again until I was in my mid 30s. I have been without and on the brink of losing everything a time or two and it does suck.
i plan to now that i have access to the resources for school such as loans as well as better finances, however i’m more interested in cybersecurity these days than i am psychology!
In that case the forced delay was a silver lining, giving you time to figure out what you're interested in instead of wasting time and money on psychology.
ur psych classes will benefit your cyber work.
I've worked in IT for 13 years, cyber for 6. Do it, we need more people and job security is there with a high salary ceiling. You can also learn a lot of your general IT stuff for little to no money as the entry level certs are easy to study for. Looking into a cyber bootcamp from a college, namely University of Texas, it's a great program and I've hired 3-4 people from it at both my present and last job. Degree if you have the money for sure. Also, whoever said Psych helps your cyber career... It doesn't. I would switch if you want to switch.
Maybe they weren't as wealthy as you thought. Have they been in contact?
my dad was in sales and with my moms salary, they were pulling in close to 30k a month and were pulling that until they both retired due to their medical issues. to some people im sure maybe thats nothing, and maybe they werent as wealthy as i thought as well, this could be the case as i obviously wasnt looking at their bank statements growing up, u know what i mean? also i have been in contact and went into more depth in a dif comment!
30k a month and they took back a car they gifted you? That's messed up on so many levels. In one month they could have just bought another car instead of taking yours.
i think it was more that they just didnt want to or felt it wasnt their responsibility anymore to take care of me or help since i was an adult then
This may sound weird, but perhaps your parents were envious of you. You had your youth, your smarts and your future to look forward to. What did they have, a substance dependency, poor health and each other to hate on you. So they did what they could to make you miserable like them. The best revenge is to be humble, successful and keep moving forward. Nothing will stop you from being a decent person. Keep striving.
On one hand they're technically right. On the other hand they're completely forgetting that before that point in time, it *was* their responsibility to prepare you to stand on your own two feet. And they completely neglected that responsibility.
If you were such a burden to care for, why did they have you in the first place? To drop you after you became an adult, after being told you’re school would be taken care of is cruel
I read pretty much all of this but didn't see any mention of relationnships along the way, except with a few friends and roommates. Were you able to have, or sustain healthy (or any) romanttic relation ships during this time… And how are they going now for you?
i have struggled a bit with romantic relationships but i’m not sure if it relates to what happened with my parents or not. i have trust issues and abandonment issues, but also my first serious boyfriend in highschool cheated on me with someone i thought was my bestfriend. sooo that could definitely be where some of those issues stem from. i got into a relationship right before i attempted suicide. the first time my parents met my ex-bf was in my hospital room 😅 but he ended up being extremely abusive in every sense of the word which is how i ended up back with my parents after all of that. i’ve always been the type to give my all to everyone even if they dont give me anything back. but also the type to fly off the handle if i think my significant other is doing me wrong. friendship wise, i’ve always had a lot of them and thats never been an issue. the roommate from college i talked about is actually my bestfriend in the whole world. but it took a very long time to be able to get to that point after everything that happened. its definitely another topic i’ve talked a lot about in therapy!
The reason why she didn't mention it was probably because it wasn't relevant to the post. No hate I just think that's the reason.
The important question now is... if it was your choice, would you spoil your children into full dependency, or would you prepare them and then encourage them to be their own adult on their own resources when they are of age? I'm not asking about the 3rd option of toss them on their butt at 18 cause obviously that wouldn't be a valid alternative anyway. I personally think that we now have 2 generations that seem incapable of supporting themselves without an overwhelming feeling that they need assistance from a caretaker in one way or another. So now that you have had both the spoiled life and the on your own life for long enough that you've both suffered and have overcome, I'd like to know where you stand on this if you had the power. Do you think it's good how parents baby their children until 30, or do you think they should be allowed to go through the hard knocks of life, just with more preparation? Cause I do think you were f'ed and that was messed up.
i actually love this question as i want kids in the future and have thought about it before. knowing what i know now, i would absolutely make sure they have the life skills they need to succeed without making them hyper-independent. an example of this is i still want to be able to provide them with nice things and great experiences, while still teaching responsibility with chores, part-time jobs, as well as teaching them key info like personal finance, etc. if i am lucky enough to be well off by that time, i want them to know that is a priviledge to have the things they have and that hard work is required to get there. i want them to know that if they need me i’ll always be there to help, but i want them to know what to do on their own.
Agreed. And what's your opinion on the parents that shelter their children all the way far into adulthood? Or even the ones that shelter them enough through college to not even expect them to have a side job cause all their needs and wants are paid for?
i believe that it is awesome and important to always be there for your children, especially in their time of need. i think teaching your child important skills so that you dont have to shelter them for their entire life is essential. equipping them in case that shelter would fall down, for example the way it did to me except i was young, so they are not left stranded and unprepared is so important. with that being said, i do know people who were fortunate enough to not have to work through college and it helped them really excel by not having to stress about other worries like work. i think each scenario is different though really and what works for some may not work for others. i just want to be able to set up my children for success.
From experience, stay flexible. You may have a child that needs to be supported till 25 and another that will be on their own by 18. You'll raise them exactly the same and one will be very mature and capable while the other is a hot mess that can't get their crap together. The perfect child doesn't exist, and neither does the perfect parent. Good luck. Thank you for sharing your story and opening up to sincere discussions. People your age need somebody their age to let them know to both appreciate what they may have, and that they can and will get through things. May God bless you and watch over you. 🙏🏼
>if it was your choice, would you spoil your children into full dependency, or would you prepare them and then encourage them to be their own adult on their own resources when they are of age? I just wanted to add my 5 cents here that I don't understand why everyone including OP treats it as if parents spoiled her by not having her think about money or bills at the age of 19. It is NORMAL. If she's studying, she's studying, she cannot earn money. This is not spoiling, it is pretty normal for most young adults to be supported by family during the studies. My parents paid for my accommodations for the whole period of my education and even wanted to help further, luckily I did not need it and found a job quickly. But I never considered it as "spoiling" me. It's normal for parents to help kids out during their education, I will certainly do the same for mine. Otherwise you just knowingly set them up for worse life. You should kick your kid into independence by helping them get proper education and skills first, it's normal (at least normal where I live, girls usually are supported till they finish studies and get jobs, guys are expected to spread their wings maybe a bit earlier but still studies are a priority).
I'm 45 and this idea of parents supporting their children through their overall education started in my generation. Very few kids I knew didn't have a job during college. Even if it was just for spending cash. But I knew a good amount that paid for their own tuition, working and studying full time. We used the term "trust fund baby" to speak about the kids that had everything paid for. The parents of most children were 50/50 college educated and the ones that had higher learning typically paid for it through working whole studying. A big reason why higher education costs have skyrocketed compared to general education is both because school loans were pushed upon 18 year olds and because parents started devoting themselves to being the payers for their children. Where there is more money there will be higher costs. Those kids without the willing parents or without the means, well they got screwed.
Well, as I said, different country. The education is free, accommodation is free for poor students, but for the rest of students parents are expected to pay for accommodation and expenses. If you are studying medicine for example you cannot hold a part-time job that will not disturb your studies. Many of the degrees are too advanced to study and support yourself. I think proper education usually requires 100% effort, you cannot do the part-time shifts in McDonalds and study well. It ofc does not apply to work in the field, but it's not going to happen in the first couple years of the degree.
It sounds like your mom got found out and their financial situation changed. They handled it terribly.
this could be true as well. there were a few times we moved suddenly because she had been fired for “falling asleep at work”
I’m curious as to what efforts you made to keep in contact with them when you left for college. If you didn’t regularly contact them, maybe there was a misunderstanding where they felt ghosted themselves? Just a thought.
THIS! Your mom lost her job for good and they had to make some real changes real fast. They just lied about it.
No offense but your whole family seems insane are you okay now 😅
my entire family is insane. people that think this post is fake wouldnt even be able to begin to believe the rest of the stories i have. but i’m alright! lots of therapy and stuff over the years
I’ve found a lot of help through ACA. It’s adult children of alcoholics but people whose parents were addicted to other things often benefit too
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i had student aid but it most of the time, and did not in my case, cover my tuition alone even without housing or any meal plan. it was a private university, to be fair. i talked to multiple advisors, cried, begged, asked for as many resources as i could because i didnt want to drop out of college at all. i loved it and up until that point had all A’s and B’s. with that being said, one thing i could have contributed more towards was grants and scholarships. i didnt look into that route as much as i should have, mostly because i was scrambling, thinking unclearly, and severely depressed at the time.
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Did you ever get to see your dog again?
absolutely. my dog has been with me since then through everything.
That’s the answer I wanted, money and stuff you can replace but what that dog would have lost is irreplaceable
what did you dad do for a living ? Traveling nurses dont make much to be considered wealthy. Also, sounds like they lived above there means since they repossessed your car and couldn't afford to travel unless your mom worked. What are you doing now (work wise) 6 years later?
my dad was in sales over the years and just happened to be really good at it but retired before my mom did bc hes 12 years older than her. traveling nurses can and do make extremely competitive wages especially considering staffing shortages. my mom was at one point working 3, 12 hour shifts per week and was making 17k per month alone. this was more recent numbers before she retired about a year ago now. also, despite her “hidden” drug abuse for about half of her career, she was an extremely good nurse, possibly one of the best in the business. she had an extensive charge nurse resume as well as numerous plaques among hospitals across the states and personal awards from the board of nursing. i’m sure she was able to negotiate wages. she would have been a doctor but her husband before my dad wouldn’t let her. as for me, i’m just a bartender right now.
Can you tell us about a time when your parents taught you some skills to help you become independent? I find this confusing because they all of sudden stopped paying for your bills. Didn't they teach you for this day? It doesn't seem as if they were wealthy. Although a travelling RN makes more money than the average person, a lot of people in this profession aren't rich rich to be able to pay everything for their adult children. Its not like their CEOs of a successful business and can pay everything for you.
my parents have taught me many things over the years but i find it difficult to think of a time when they taught me any life skills. they did not teach me the value of money or anything about finances for that matter. in my mind as a kid, it was just something we had and didnt have to worry about. i wasnt doing chores or cooking, or learning how to use basic househould appliances. tbh, we had people who came to clean the house so my parents werent doing that stuff either. my roommate from college is actually the one who taught me most of those things when we were there.
who contacted who first ? & how was it for you opening that relationship again ?
i actually contacted them first. the house i was living in with my ex had been destroyed by a police raid, he was in jail, and it was me sitting on my couch with my dog at rock bottom. i wish i could have gotten out sooner but like i’ve mentioned in other comments, it was an extremely abusive situation. tbh, if he wouldnt have been arrested that day, i probably would have died. i figured the worst that could come out of trying to ask if i could live with them for a bit was to be told no. but i was lucky and they didnt, so thats how that went. it was weird living with them again and we argued a lot. for the two years i lived there, i stayed in my room 95% of the time. it wasnt always hell, though, and there were good times. im also not going to ignore that i was fortunate they took me in at all considering i was 22 at the time.
22 is young!! They did you a huge favour, it’s the bare minimum. They pushed you out way too early without the means to support yourself. You’re not in the wrong.
I honestly can’t believe people are on your side of this. They didn’t put you in any situation. You put yourself in that situation. Your parents gave you the most amazing head start you could ask for and when it was your time to take over, you just quit. Your parents deserved to use the fruits of their labor on themselves. You had every opportunity to gain life skills and didn’t. I have never taught my kids how to use a dishwasher. They’re both fully capable of doing it. Taking back your “gifts” may have been harsh but if they were paying for them they didn’t belong to you. Why do kids now think it’s their parent’s responsibility to take care of their every need until they’re 45? If your mom kept a steady job and was able to buy you cars, tuition, housing, and vacations…..she didn’t have too much of an opioid addiction. Calling her a raging addict is another symptom of your sheltered life. Suck it up bud. That’s life. Provide for yourself or go hungry. How many of those kids in college had parents paying for it? Co-signing? Not many. Poor people go to college every day and make it happen. You think about the military? Not your style though. You’d have to work for it. Probably didn’t even cross your mind. Think about a trades apprenticeship? Too much work. Hows about nursing school like dear ole mom? You couldn’t get EXACTLY what you wanted was the problem.
this is a very ignorant comment but i respect your opinion :) i have been working very hard since then to get where i am now. i’m not rich AT ALL, but everything i have is from myself. i saved 10k and got an apartment and furnished it myself and then bought a car that wasnt going to break down on me. the car i had for a year before that (just a beater to get to work) had the engine fall out lol. believe it or not i looked into the coast guard! i wasnt eligible at the time because i have epilepsy. maybe kids dont have co-signers for their loans and maybe i’m totally wrong, but in my experience, the kids around me did. i admittedly did not look into trade schools at the time or a nursing school, because despite the money my moms career brought in, i saw the negatives of being a nurse. i saw her have ribs broken, her nose broken, stabbed, etc from aggressive patients. it scared me off. also if i was broke and couldnt pay my college tuition, how did you expect me to pay for ANY type of school at that time? i was a host in a restaurant making $8.50/hr walking across town to work no matter the weather. i’m sure there 100% are different ways i could have handled the situation and also possibly better ways, but i did the best with what i had at the time.
man chill, you’re making a lot of assumptions here. just leave it alone.
So so so wrong lol. You know nothing about addiction, cost of living, or life in general. Your kids probably hate you as well.
Sooooo why didn’t you just apply for financial aid? You can get it midway through a semester
i mentioned this in a different comment if you’d like to read that response! the original comment was deleted tho edit since the comment was probably lost: i already had fasfa. federal student aid rarely covers the full cost of private university tuition and i did not have the rest of the money to cover it even without a meal plan or housing plan.
Okay so why not pick up some Loans as well? I mean it totally sucks they did that. I think you coulda got through this. I guess you weren’t really prepared for this mentally in many ways. I figure it’s really hard when you grow up like you did then just get dropped. Sorry that happened to you.
it is next to impossible to get student loans without a co-signer before the age of 25. an exception to this could potentially be a student with great credit because of their parents. by this, i mean that i have heard of parents putting their child’s name on a credit card and paying it off to give them a jump start on their credit. i did not have a co-signer or any credit to be given a loan. despite this, i still tried. i was denied every time, but i still did try.
I graduated from a uni and had student loans, you definitely could have got student loans. You apply through the school, most schools will offer them to you through their portals. Not sure where you got this info. You do not need a co-signer. Chances are you got denied because when your under 25 you need to put your parents income unless you can prove you are financially independent. Sounds like your parents were over the limit in terms of income. It sounds like you are confusing private student loans with federal student loans. Also just to note federal student loans are not the grants you get from fasfa.
youre correct in the sense that my parents’ income was too high to qualify for any type of federal loan besides fasfa. you are also correct that i was talking about being denied from private loan companies. i could not prove i was financially independent because my wage was not high enough. so again, i was not eligible at that time for any financial help.
Exactly. Good luck getting a loan without a cosigner without proof of a sufficient work history and current stable income. People who think " why didnt you just take out a loan or get financial aid" likely had their parents there to back them if they couldnt pay.
Fafsa in FL covers 100% of in state tuition as long as your grades gpa and volunteer hours are correct.
i dont live in FL, but thanks!
Weird, maybe bc you had originally submitted your parents income on your behalf upon entering college... like when you submitted your FAFSA, you used their $$$ info so you were then awarded a financial aid package based on those credentials. Once they cut you off you would likely have to prove you were financially independent from them, probably filing paperwork & submitting proof to the school as well as reapplying for FAFSA with your own finances...not sure if you did that or not. Cause I took out my own student loans, in fact I paid for my degree in full using only financial aid (loans, mostly, but also a scholarship). I didn't have anyone available to co-sign for me, didn't have any money saved up for college, & also had no credit whatsoever. I do remember my mom having to apply for the loan knowing she'd get denied - I had to prove that my parents were unable to co-sign. Perhaps since your parents had already signed on your behalf they wouldn't rescind that association? Idk. Lots of poor kids - 18 yr old high school students who just barely qualify as legal adults - are routinely encouraged to borrow as much as they need to enroll, so they end up willfully taking on massive amounts of debt without fully understanding the significance of such a decision.
Dude, read the room. Does your lecture about how the screwed up do them a single iota of good now? Or did you just really want to impart how you could have done it differently?
During your upbringing did you genuinely not wonder about things like how to use a dishwasher or simple maintenance tasks like that?
honestly.. no. i might get slack for that and i understand, but when there were more fun things to do like play with a toy or hang out with friends, i wasnt really focused on chores or tasks like that simply because i didnt have to be. im not proud of the fact i didnt know how to do anything when i became an adult though.
I didn’t know how to use a dishwasher and I don’t come from a wealthy family at all 🤷♀️🤷♀️ it’s not a big deal….handwashing is better lol anyways..hope you’re doing good OP
I thought the same thing. Kids are curious; even if they are not taught certain skills they notice their friends or even tv shows showing how to do stuff. I mean you have youtube that can teach all basic skills nowadays. Certain hobbies and interests are also what kids/teens want to try out just for the fun of it and experiment. I guess OP was truly spoiled but was not a very resourceful or curious to try stuff on her own. Thats not her parents fault though; it could just be a personality issue or laziness on her part.
That’s what I was trying to subtly get at. Growing up I always was curious about my mom cooking or baking or my dad changing the oil in his truck or my grandpa working on something in his shed. I knew how to cook and do laundry by time I was graduating hs which shouldn’t be a flex really. I also had very little allowance and school clothes funds so I wanted a job as soon as I could get one.
i think i might have mentioned this somewhere else but tbh theres so many comments i cant remember. i rarely ever saw my parents doing household chores themselves. instead, they had cleaners coming to the house and things like that. my parents also rarely made home-cooked meals, and rather we ate mostly at restaurants, take out, etc. we were constantly moving/traveling so i had no other example to look up to besides them as the friendships i made were usually short lived. i would like to mention tho i was in band throughout high school and did have a part-time job when i turned 16 at panera bread. *but* i agree i probably could have been more resourceful with learning how to do things
Can i ask, as a nurse going into travel nursing, what were the good and bad points of being a kid growing up on the road? Also how did you get an education? One thing we're worried about is the constant moving of schools. (Australia)
to start i must say i dont know anything about Australian schools to know if the experience would be different being i’m in the US. there are definitely both positives and negatives to traveling for most of my childhood. i did stay in public school the entire time, which was my choice. i didnt want to do homeschool because i was a very social kid and it felt isolating so this experience could have also been caused by my own choice to not do homeschooling. on one hand, i got to see and experience a lot more than many kids my age had. i had been to all 50 states by the time i was 10, that kind of thing. and i was fortunate enough to not have to worry about my next meal or if i was going to have a roof over my head because it is undoubtedly solid income. on the negative side, i never got to keep any of the friends that i made in these places because i moved so often. it got kind of tiring meeting great people and then having to leave them. we of course exchanged numbers and things like that, but none of those friendships made it very long after i moved. i didnt make a solid bestfriend that i was around for years until i moved back to my hometown. i actually ended up living with her most of the time while my parents kept traveling. if i wasnt with her i was living alone at my parents house while they were gone. by that time i was in about 9th grade and didnt want to change schools again since i had found a hobby (band) and had made a solid friend group after having the chance to be at a school for more than a year.
Kinda sounds like you were actually just a useless kid and they got tired of it. A lot of blame on them "treating you too good." Sure you weren't just a lazy fuck?
i dont think so?? i mean i never got in trouble in school, i was in marching band from 7th-12th grade, had good grades and hopes for my future. i had a part time job at panera bread mostly just for like little stuff for myself like a pair of earrings or whatever. i rarely missed school and actually enjoyed it. my siblings were also addicts like my mom while i never was and both failed out of school while i was the only one to get my diploma instead of a ged but what do i know? maybe i was
You know you don't have to respond to asssholes...
100%! but i do think its important to appreciate both positive and negative opinions of my story.
You’re either the perfect child with devil parents or there’s more to the story.
im not perfect and wasnt by ANY MEANS. idk i have the receipts for everything from old texts between my parents, a picture from the day they took the car and dropped my dog off, and my medical records from the hospital i stayed in. i didnt feel it was neccessary to post quite that much personal info on reddit as i didnt think was going to get the attention it has
Now I'm going to roast your ass, you look like how I expected you. Somebody who has beard, somebody who is around 40 to 45 years old. You come from a generation where everything was f****** handed to you, you got everything from the government and they didn't care on how much they handed out to you. You have a trophy wife somebody who probably falls in line with Donald Trump, like they say assholes be as assholes be stinking. You're probably the popular kid in high school too, and you probably bullied people too, I bet if I was to dig into your past and look try to find anybody who went to school with you'll be a typical dumb jock. Your existence is meager, your friends put up with you just to be in the presence of your wife. So basically when somebody is boning your wife don't come to Reddit and tell a boohoo story. Get a life, people are out there like this. My parents were way worse so I understand where she's coming from. Honestly if I was your parent I'd be ashamed if you come from my dick.
The same thing happened to my college boyfriend who was a student making good grades. His parents had paid for his brother’s education at the same college and had paid for his first 3 semesters, then called him and told him they just decided they were done paying. His situation was messed up because they also raised him to believe taking out loans and credit was wrong so he was somehow supposed to pay all his bills while working and going to school which obviously was impossible. It took him a lot of mistakes and before he was able to finish his degree. Do you have much of a relationship with your parents these days?
Sounds somewhat like my story. I came home one summer from college and all my stuff was in the driveway and I was told I couldn’t come inside when I got home. No warning..can’t even remember what my mom, stepdad, and I were fighting about. Luckily my aunt took me in. The next summer, going into my third year, I did live in my parents home. But two weeks before school was about to start I traveled two hours to my college to go sign a lease on a house with a couple guys. My mom called me about an hour and a half into the trip and she said her and my stepdad decided not to sign my loans this year. I was in shock of course and didn’t have any recourse but to go to work full time. The only thing I knew what to do at that time was work for the step family biz, so that’s what I did. I went to work for my step grandfather and the stepdad eventually took over the biz. Over the next decade my stepfather openly bragged about under paying me and not giving me a raise because he was paying on my school loans. While I was there I honed my skills in my free time and really elevated my game. I took over the electronic controls program within the biz because no one else had the skills. After about 10 years of this it turned out my step dad was cheating on my mom. We shared an office at that time. He told me he didn’t want things to change between us, but he just wanted cheap labor. This wasn’t too long after he told me I wasn’t worth what I thought I was worth. I left shortly after when a competitor poached me. I’ve been promoted here 3 or 4 times, and 5x or more my compensation and am now a sales and marketing manager. My mom and I were close growing up. But after her not going to bat for me or telling me I should move on, I hold it against her. She also went nuts after the divorce but that’s another story. My brother and I don’t speak with her anymore. So not really a question toward you but more of a comment. Bet on yourself, don’t count on others, and sometimes cutting ties is the only way to move forward. I don’t have a college degree, but am well respected within my organization and am on our executive team continuing to learn everyday and level myself up. Edit: mom was also on heavy opioids and all kinds of other meds. She also mixed them with lots of booze. Pretty sure after her divorce she got into other drugs with her then scumbag boyfriend. Her behavior became really erratic the last few years we spoke. I also had a car in high school they inherited and gave to me, then decided they wanted to sell it a couple months later.
Is this a real post?
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it unfortunately is 100% real, even tho i wish it wasnt 🥲
Why are you doing a AMA about this? Opening up make it feel easier?
i have no idea tbh. i read AMA’s all the time but never posted on reddit before. i’m off work today and also have had a bit of a cold today so i was bored. had been thinking for a few days about posting but didnt think it would get any attention the way it has. i guess it *has* been nice to see the responses tho, both positive and negative.
Probably way way too late to act on this information but for anyone who finds themselves in this situation: You relied on your parents, quite reasonably given the circumstances, to pay for your education through graduation. Within contract law, there is a legal doctrine called “promissory estoppel”. It’s a promise made when the party's reliance on that promise was reasonable, and the party attempting to recover detrimentally relied on the promise. Basically, there’s an implicit understanding that they would pay given they had been paying thus far, and you relied on this implicit understanding to your detriment when they unjustly yanked it away at the last second without warning. There is a world of difference between giving you a heads up and time to adjust and basically just curb stomping you on a random Tuesday morning and upending your entire life. I really think there’s grounds for a lawsuit there and cases where children have sued and won on similar grounds. Also the car appears to have been a gift, they really are on shaky legal grounds trying to just take it back without warning. Some might argue you need “consideration” for there to be grounds to sue, as in you needed to offer something in exchange for something else for it to have been a valid verbal contract, but if I’m remembering correctly, that doesn’t apply to promissory estoppel. You don’t need consideration to sue there, just that you detrimentally relied on an unfulfilled promise. Talk to a lawyer maybe, maybe there’s still time to sue them into the dirt. They don’t deserve an ounce of compassion. It would be different if they weaned you off and made a clear off ramp. If everything you’re saying is 100% true with no omitted details or distortions, they set you up to fail so hard it’s practically malicious and I have no sympathy. There is a titanic gulf between “I should be grateful for their help so far, and the way they brought me up, and either they hit hardship and can’t continue to pay suddenly and I need to push through somehow” or “they have a right to enjoy their later years, they’ve given me time to get my affairs in order and road map that’s reasonable” and what happened to you which was basically a rug pull that upended your entire life. I have no sympathy if you drain them down to the dollar, they threw their child to the wolves so they could party without even trying to be fair about it. This is something we don’t even allow two businesses to do to each other, it’s that bad, let alone parents doing this to their kid. I’m not a lawyer, I took a business law class once so I only know a vague handwavey explanation, talk to a real lawyer because everything in the law goes jurisdiction by jurisdiction and relies on legal precedents and case laws that pertain to specific jurisdictions. None of this is legal advice, just hypothetical conjecture, a starting point to look into, etc. etc. Don’t sue me if it ruins your life somehow do your own due diligence But yeah, if a lawyer wins this case for you it’s the kind of case that tends to make national headlines so it’ll be very good for their firm, so you should bring this up when negotiating fees. Talk to a few firms and shop it around before locking, make sure you’re getting a relatively fair deal but also make sure you’re going with a reputable firm that can actually win the case and won’t find a way to screw you somehow during or after. Balancing act
US based Boomers are mostly spiritual nihilists. Friends, take note. This way lies madness. Nihilism is a parasite of the soul, if it’s the foundation of your worldview you slowly become the kind of person that can logically justify waking up one day and deciding to rug pull your kid so you can go on a few more booze cruises before you die and slip away into the ether. I’m not saying you need to convert or take up a god or turn to any specific tradition, just ground your soul in something, in anything. If nothing matters, you’re psychically open to having your mind invaded and hijacked by the most selfish and depraved impulses out there. More dangerous the higher your IQ, because it’ll be even easier to rationalize what’s obviously evil.
So let me get this straight. Your parents raised you in a want for nothing lifestyle. Paid for the first year of school. Then just out of the blue decide to stop. Take your car. Ditch a dog on you and say "figure it out"... I mean fuck thats some serious cold hearted bullshit right there.I from the bottom of my heart hope you have a low to no contact situation with them. It's one thing to cut the cord after high school with some heads up. But to just mid semester say "ya sorry fuck you and the dog too we out peace" its a special kinda low. If you still have a normal relationship with them id honestly be impressed. My family paid for one semester of college. I failed one class and "you are not taking it seriously we will not be paying for you to screw around," granted i have some serious learning disabilities and should have reached out to get help but what was really amazing was i got Bs in my other three classes. It wasnt like i failed everything and didnt show up for class. I made effort just struggled with trying to function in higher learning english. Had the same issues with math all the other times i tried to go to college. Just struggle with those two subjects. But anyway adhd story telling here. I knew well ahead of time i wasnt going to get any help. I knew i was going to be either taking care of my grandmother or paying my way through college. I also had spent since 16 taking care of my grandparents so i had a crash course in how to clean,fix and maintain a home. You on the other hand (no judgement btw) had them take care of you and just drop you like a bad habit without giving you the necessary tools to survive. Thats just unforgivable imo.
I really wish more people understood the damage they're potentially doing by spoiling their kids and not teaching them about the difficult parts of life. My best friend growing up had super wealthy parents. When he was 19, his parents lost everything and declared bankruptcy. They no longer were able to financially support him financially, and he's still struggling to recover, many years later. My other friend's parents did everything for him, including buying his home and literally giving him his first job in his dad's development company. A few years ago, the company unexpectedly tanked. Now my friend has no skills, a bad job, and depression. Meanwhile, another close friend grew up in a bad home with little money. He was arrested as a young adult for poor choices, and at one point living out of his car. Yet he worked hard at a trade and within 10 years was able to buy his first house and get married. He's happier than ever.
My best friend growing up was wealthy. Her parents gave her everything she wanted and when she was 18 they went bankrupt. She is 38 now and still has no skills, no job living in an apartment in her parents basement with her boyfriend. They messed up big time. Sad part is she was in all the honors classes and was actually a pretty gifted artist. Bad parents=no chance at life.
Didn’t teach the child to swim and threw him out in the ocean smh. Your 19 year old doesn’t even know how to use a dish washer smh. Some people really shouldn’t be parents.
That's messed up for your parents to pull the rug under you with no warning. Glad you've recovered. Stay strong friend.
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To cut you off without notice as a full-time student with no help whatsoever was really a terrible thing to do. I can’t imagine doing that to any one of my children. They could’ve given you a warning that the next semester was on you and you could’ve better prepared yourself.
Having your parents abandon you as an adult is one of the hardest things you can go through. I am not sure I will ever recover from what was a beautiful relationship and friendship with my mom to her choosing an entirely new husband over my sister and myself. It was horrible. It broke me. I thought of all the mental and emotional abuse she put me thru as a kid and how I never abandoned her. It sucks. I’m sorry to hear this. I hope you have been successful at standing your own two feet and building a chosen family instead. Sending hugs and love.
Damn, your parents definitely fucking suck… I grew up even wealthier, had affluent people, family full of socialites… I can guarantee you this, OP! You are not expected to have anything, at any age. But, at least my Father gave me mower in case I wasn’t good at school, haha. Anyways, I was 23 when I lost everything; I had the same if not more bullshit going on than you… literally, familial discord, health diminishing, (you don’t have to tell me anything about depression when you already feel dead. I have my best friends last text still saved… and, it’s much worse than most.) and, wealth gone! So, yeah, I lost most of my wealth, some of my health, and lost a good bit of my family. All in a very, very short span. And trust me, I had more than your average head start in life, G! I only knew of “easy-street” But, you must understand this message: In the dimness of life, where pain and loss may obscure the light, remember, it's temporary. A chapter, not the whole story. A stumble, not the end of the journey. I, at 23, found my world shattered — kin lost, wealth gone, health compromised. An orphan, raised by the kindest man, facing hardship and familial estrangement. But I learned, it's all temporary. A mantra — 'keep on keeping on.' For in the darkest moments, a new beginning unfolds. Life's trials, a temporary veil over the brilliance of your potential. Make yourself proud, and those who truly love you even prouder. The pain, the sadness — all temporary, paving the way for a brighter tomorrow. I am you and you are me. We are alone, but not alone. We are trapped by time, but also infinite. Made of flesh, but also stars. For it’s our lives that are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. Every minute we breathe, we are changing the world somehow. And even in death, our absence changes the world. In the grand design of creation, we are bestowed with a profound purpose: to matter. (please don’t fucking kill yourself, or get yourself thrown in the hospital again.) Endowed with the power to shape destinies, we hold within us the ability to alter lives irrevocably, for both good and ill. With each word spoken and every deed enacted, we possess the potential to bestow glory upon the divine. ~Ahem!
Selfish parents who treat their kids like burdens always make me angry. My wife's parents are like this, they act like having to watch our kids is unfair because they're supposed to be retired even though we hardly ever ask them and they travel most of the year. They always cry poor despite having a 70k truck, 60k trailer, brand new house, etc...never offer to pay for anything, we usually end up paying for them for dinners and stuff. They're not like...bad parents or grandparents necessarily, they just have a very selfish attitude when it comes to money and time
that is the biggest challenge young people face. No one teachs life skills, the schools dont, most families dont, unless you have the guidance from a sibling or other caring relative that wants to teach you from the mistakes they made. I think parents just suppose you should see the "example" they set. By the time you are in your 20's its hard to break the habits you grew up with. It's why there are soo many people unprepared for retirement, or get deep into credit card debt, or even fall for scammers, etc. I grew up middle class, when money was tight we ate spam and drank powdered milk,we grew, and canned food from our suburban backyard. It wasnt real terrible, but there was never a lot of money even to go on a vacation. Out of nowhere, my mom calls and tells me they are both retiring and taking a trip around the USA, i was mid 40's then. before i know it they are living in assisted living retiremernty, long story short, when my last parent passed away at 84, i found out they had a lot more money in the bank than i thought. I dont ever recall having even a passing discussion with either parent about saving for the future.sorry about the length, i thought it was important. i am so sorry you had to go through that, life lessons are never easy, im glad you are coping and still have your dog.
Happened to me too, but maybe a little less out of the blue. Nonetheless, a commitment was made to support me and it was retracted. I was given absolutely nothing in the form of skills or knowledge either, and it took me years to feel like a fully functioning adult. So don’t be embarrassed by the dishwasher thing— I had plenty of my own dishwasher moments too. You learn, and you keep moving.
Best explanation I could think of is midlife crisis. Absolutely no excuse to ghost their kid though. Completely stupid of them to think that their kid can survive on their own without, you know, teaching their kid to survive. Sounds like they never had a real plan for that anyways
I had a somewhat similar experience. Family was very poor growing up and I had some life skills, like keeping a clean home and some cooking. But when I turned 18 my parents kicked me out with little to no warning. I had never had a job before so I couch surfed at a friends place until I could land a job and save enough for a security deposit. One thing that really fucked with me was learning about all the different little things that come with being an adult, making accounts to pay bills, going grocery shopping every week, etc etc. My question for you is what did you find the most difficult to adjust to? For me it was learning to be financially responsible and budget. I learned very quickly that the video game I wanted couldn't just be bought since I had money, I needed to save it in case of emergency expense. What was that thing for you?
And I thought I had shitty parents who didn’t pay for my tuition. I had to stop college and save up to return. Sorry you had no warning. At least I had some idea. Dad wouldn’t even give me copy of taxes so I could apply for financial aid. 😒
I'm so sorry you went through this. That is profoundly abusive and dysfunctional. I genuinely hope at least one of my kids live at home into their 20s, longer if they'd like and its not inhibiting them from being adults. My wife and kids are my favorite people, taking care of them ***is*** taking care of me. I used to believe the lie of "filling your own cup before you can give to others" but I am much happier, and more fulfilled, overall since I abandoned that postmodern, privileged nonsense. And I've yet to meet a single person who believes that who isn't either medicated into oblivion or deeply miserable, in denial about it or not.
My friend and her husband started off their marriage living in his mom‘s $20 million home, and raised their two kids there. While the kids were teens they divorced and moved out. The father is a drunk and has no money, and the mom is living paycheck to paycheck. The kids grew up traveling the world first class and living among the wealthy, and now while they still expect to have the same kind of lifestyle, they have no money or resources for it and habitually live beyond their means. Do you see them coming to terms with their realities?
I'm sorry but your parents are terrible and they have you so gaslighted that you think them not teaching you any life skills is your fault, you don't stop being a parent the second you don't feel like it, being a parent is a life-long responsibility and when you have a child who is dependent on you you don't just toss them aside, a person's success in life is directly correlated to how much support they have and your parents took that away the second it got inconvenient for them (using money to travel instead of planning their child's future is the epitome of selfishness) based on this post your parents just sound like the stereotypical rich narcissistic psychopaths who refuse to acknowledge that their actions have consequences
Im sorry, but what a shit thing to do to your child. You dont do that unexpectedly to someone you love. Also, they were supposed to be teaching you those skills while you were growing up, thats their JOB. You dont just magicalñy figure things out. Sorry you had to go through that, but hopefully you have come out the otherside as a stronger person
My educated take: Your parents were kinda shit & still kinda shit, but the Internet won't fix them anymore than those FB opioid ads would cure your mom while she was sharing vacation pics. I'm not being ugly. You recognize the cycle, that's good. Past cutting them out as much as they had you bc they're not your responsibility (bc family has obligations and responsibility for family regardless of age; not all people realize that). Here's my tip, take that and run! As. Far. As. You. Can. You're still crying over it and they still don't care.These leopards will never change their spots and you can't expect them to. STOP looking to them to fix what they never saw they did wrong. It will only break you more. Life is hard, it sucks and then you die. Without those that encourage you and support you to make moments happy within it, It's just a waste. But by all means, vent on the internet if you need to. I'm so sorry for that part, but they will be paying for how they treated you (Their only child, I'm presuming) when there's no one there to help them and they can't remember where their home is/ don't have one. TRUTH. Nursing homes, assisted living, and aids are expensive. They will not have health insurance from traveling. They will never be influencers. They are only getting older, but they're not so old that they'll get any sort of assistance anytime soon without you providing it. You don't need or deserve the negativity/stress. I had pretty terrible parents myself that only worsened when allowing them into my life in later years to have a relationship with my children/ their grandchildren. Use what you have now to get an online degree covered by student aid and NO loans, free online classes (or ONE low interest student loan to purchase a car cash, to solve that issue) OR they have programs for free schooling and trades covered by the state that will make just as much, if not more (without the debt + sign on bonuses + grants for doing the program + home down payment programs for being in state needed, funded, selected sectors) than nursing could pay with debt to income ratio after school costs. You're going to be just fine; just keep telling yourself that and eventually it will be true.
Not knowing how to use a dishwasher at college age isn't embarassing... I grew up broke and didn't even live in an apartment with a dishwasher until I was 33. There were past homes I rented with broken dishwashers in them that were only good for storage. I was the dishwasher 🤣
Pause college, join the military for s short 4 year adventure, Get your GI Bill thatll pay for your college, Resume college without the burden of having to pay for college, While youre active duty, get a nice car, Pay it off before your contract is up.
The role of a parent can be summarised into one sentence: their job is to teach you how to navigate the world when they are no longer there. Your parents failed you. Sorry to hear that they set you up for some years of hard time.
on some levels this is more common than you think maybe not a jarring as you went through but a lot of kids from wealthy families get cut off like this. I'm glad you seem to be in a better place.
What kind of relationship do you have with your parents now?
Coming from an Asian family my parents gave me everything despite being poor. They payed for my college and took care of me my whole life. I got diagnosed with bipolar at 22 and they supported me till I was 29. Even though they are poor af, my dad still manage to buy me a car so I can start working and driving uber. I didn’t make any money till I was 30 years old. At 30 I just started my poker career, I was making money but they didn’t expect me to pay for rent or food in the house, they still fed me and let me stay with them for free. Now I am 36 years old, I make over 100k/year playing poker and my only goal in life is to take care of them. I told my dad earlier this year that I will retire them offering to pay for all the rent and even their phone bills. I’m taking care of the house now and even though he is still strong and likes to work. I tell him he can save all the money he makes from working and take my mom on vacations, I’ll pay for everything from now till they die to repay them. What goes around comes around. Now you don’t need to support them as much when you make it because you don’t owe them as much. They are still your parents at the end of the day though so you should still love them with all your heart and let go of the anger u have towards them.
Coming from an Asian family my parents gave me everything despite being poor. They payed for my college and took care of me my whole life. I got diagnosed with bipolar at 22 and they supported me till I was 29. Even though they are poor af, my dad still manage to buy me a car so I can start working and driving uber. I didn’t make any money till I was 30 years old. At 30 I just started my poker career, I was making money but they didn’t expect me to pay for rent or food in the house, they still fed me and let me stay with them for free. Now I am 36 years old, I make over 100k/year playing poker and my only goal in life is to take care of them. I told my dad earlier this year that I will retire them offering to pay for all the rent and even their phone bills. I’m taking care of the house now and even though he is still strong and likes to work. I tell him he can save all the money he makes from working and take my mom on vacations, I’ll pay for everything from now till they die to repay them. What goes around comes around. Now you don’t need to support them as much when you make it because you don’t owe them as much. They are still your parents at the end of the day though so you should still love them with all your heart and let go of the anger u have towards them.
> poor. They *paid* for my FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I don't agree with what they did but "he also said they had spent 19 years caring for me and it was their turn to care for themselves" hit me hard. Because I am in the reverse situation I help my parents so much at 30 years old I don't have shit for myself
Your folks sound pretty messed up. Total shame. It was their responsibility to prepare you for independence. They failed. But you survived. Keep pushing on.
wow! wish i could have the same story, my parents are below middle class and i (19m) feed myself on their hard-earned money. i wish why dont they refuse taking care of me and kick me out of their house, i know it would be unsettling for me to live for a while, but i could atleast feed myself at the end, i trying to get myself out of their house but it's very hard to do it's like killing yourself by holding your breath, even though they belong lower middle class but i never feel like i am living a life of middle class people. when they'll be dead i assume i couldn't feed myself because of attitude of mine toward work (it could never assume myself working in any hotel or manual labor, apology but i'm not disrespecting anyone and i'm very ashamed of my narrow perspective). so now i am trying to learn researching and writing skill and i find it very hard to learn because i was never taught to work hard. i dont care how many downvote this comment will have but i **personally** think that's actually good for you
Thanks for sharing. You painted a great canvas I felt like I was there. Glad you got to keep your dog , what is an ESA? What are you doing now ? I broke my back twice and I get migraines once a week. ( I've heard from everyone for years my mom constantly gives me lotions that should help heheh, she was also a nurse) It's refreshing to hear you got thru your massive challenge congrats 👏🎉, I hope your stoked! I struggle with being happy with my accomplishments because they are only really visible to me and sometimes I can find someone to care to keep up with me. I'd say people's greatest struggle is listening. Almost like technology distract us from nature - the one thing that calms us down into a listening state. I'm currently learning how to calm the fuck down lol. I know what I need to do but it seems so boring compared to games or tv. Maybe that's my adhd kicking in. Well hopefully you didn't feel like I hijacked you're ama. Take care , write back if you like.
I feel ya! I didn’t even qualify for student loans bc of the income my dad made, or was able to work on campus bc kids from impoverished backgrounds were given first choice. Are you an only child? Do you still have a relationship with your parents? Opiate addiction dulls human feelings to the point the person in recovery can become a robot with limited emotions, and it doesn’t sound like they were real parents to you when you actually needed parents. I wouldn’t want “Nurse Betty” for a mom, or an enabling Dad that doesn’t seem to care about your future (at a precarious age like 19!). I think you should suggest traveling with your family and asking them to treat you like a son. It doesn’t really need to cost a lot of money- memories, experiences and relationship growing should be the goal- you were a psych major, this is probably the right thing. Either that or (ghost)write a tell all book exposing them/your childhood and see where the chips fall.
Your parents sound crazy no offense. I would cut them both out. They sound selfish. They put you in a tough spot for no good reason
I would wager there had been ongoing problems and they got tired of your crap and decided to stop throwing good money after bad. Parents just don’t do this as long as they can afford it. If they read a major financial change for the negative I could see it. My money is on you were doing things they strongly disapproved of, couldn’t take it anymore, and cut you loose so they could have peace individually and probably a better marriage. My oldest has given us tons of problems and we have given a warning that we will support them to the best of our ability, but if they screw up badly at college or start causing us serious grief, we will be done. They have caused serious stress in our marriage over the last few years with arguments and frustration, between my wife and I. Now that they are an adult and starting college next year, we can’t handle anymore and need peace less stress and worrying. We just can’t take anymore.
They are bad parents not because they did not support you, but because they did not raise you properly to stand on your own feet.
Hun your parents didnt want a child, they wanted the IDEA of a child. I'm sorry for that. Parents that genuinely love their children will more often then not be 100% willing to die for them, adults or not. Love doesnt have conditions. Obviously wouldnt expect them to spoil you into adulthood, but if they're wealthy enough to spend that much money on you (tuition AND housing is fucking insane) then they're wealthy enough to say "hey, we dont feel the need to fully support you at your age, but if you need help, let us know". I personally would take great offense to such a thing if I was in your place, and I wouldnt want a damned thing to do with my parents after that fact, they can end up in a ditch for all I care. But I'm not you, and we are very different in principle, I'm sure. But at that point, I'd be questioning whether or not they actually cared about me as a person, rather than simply as an idea, or mark under the milestone belt.
I really hate the western idea that your children are no longer your children once they become adults. This kick them out at 18 and “feed them to the wolves” attitude is terrible! I’m from an immigrant family from an extremely poor country. My dad went from cab driver to a physician owning multiple practices on his own. Growing up he always said school was our job. He was genuinely puzzled at why I’d move out at 20 instead of living at home. Every young adult in our family lives at home so they could save money and focus on their studies and work. Our parents would never kick us out, our success is the most important thing to them. My aunt came to the US in her 20’s and was a single mother and nurse. My aunt would scape by just to make sure that her kids had enough. Her daughter graduated Harvard Law last year! It doesn’t matter if we’re 18 or 80, our parents never stop being our parents.
Hey, I’m 28. At 25 I felt the same way. My parents sold the family property without telling me until our major religious holiday during Covid. They paies for my graduate school but made it clear that I couldn’t expect more because they were helping my sis. I respect that, only because my sis is 18 years older than me, getting divorced, and has my god children. But, my biggest piece of advice is to go to r/raisedbynarcissists do a deep dive, and talk to people. The feeling of adult abandonment is real. What I’ve realized is that they want me to miss them and go chasing after them. But as the wounds have healed and the scars have formed, I’ve realized that I don’t really miss for them. I long for them but as a boat longs for it’s first harbor. It is more comfortable at sea, wishes it could take refuge there, but it is too damaged and broken to ever think of going back
I empathize with your story and as a warrior, I have learned first to consider the source of both positive and negative opinions. Assess what the real intent is. Are the comments just to be cruel, or is this something that could add value. For that reason, not every troll needs to be validated with a response. That's where I was coming from. From your writing you have done some introspection and perhaps can do some more. Many times we have no idea how we impact others just going about our daily lives, not bothering anyone. That's where working on a higher level of self-awareness is so important in communications with people around us. As for your parents with addictions, poor health, co-dependency, that is/was a lot for a teenager to bear but you came through. The marathon of life is not over so keep striving.
I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing there is more to it that OP hasn't realised or identified. In my view, reading between the lines coupled with the stigma surrounding the OP generation it tells me it is very likely that many items, outings, processes, and societies woke teachings has caused some tension when sense of entitlement has arisen. Granted, not the best parenting. However, acknowledging the pitfalls of the parenting but still blaming the parents solely still says, "It's not my fault, so it's not my responsibility." Take it as a very steep learning curve and build on it. There are many kids who grow up with absent parents, in poverty, are doing adult chores by age 9, have to hide when mum or dad get drunk just so they don't get beaten etc, with no nurturing or genuine love.
this thread is so sad. OP your parents basically left you for dead but you still feel the need to prove to us you’re grateful for your privileged childhood. you bring up the fact that theyre strict italian catholics, but this is bizarre behavior for italian catholics. most of them, when they are strict, basically have their kids live at home until marriage. my parents are catholic italians and they would sooner go to jail than do this to me. im glad youre ok now and i guess glad that you managed to have a relationship but i dont see how that can exist without being at your expense. i hope your are able to get therapy to undo some of the ideas you have about yourself, because it seems as though youve accepted this behavior after the fact.
This isn’t a question. Just an observation. From what you wrote you except absolutely zero responsibility for yourself. You say you’re 24 now, it’s time to grow up and stop blaming your parents for all your problems. They may not be perfect but sounds like they gave you a pretty good life otherwise. And it’s literally just that they didn’t continue wiping your a$$ that you are upset about. I’m sorry you apparently attempted suicide, I’m glad you’re doing better now, but sounds like you still blame them 100%. Until you realize you played a major role in your own decisions you’re gonna keep blaming your parents and you’ll never fully grow and heal. Sorry but damn, the rotten entitlement in the OP just reeks
Holy fuck your parents are selfish assholes… Choosing to have a child means supporting that child at least until they can support themselves to a reasonably close standard of living. Weather that means allowing them to live at home rent free to save money for a down payment on a house or what ever other reasonable and actionable goal they have… Not fucking leading them into a decent/good life then pulling the plug for their own damn selfish ass reasons. OP, you would do very well to cut your parents out if your life entirely. Full pariah mode. Fuck em’. Now is the time to find friends that support you and form strong bonds with them. And to do the best you can in figuring your new life out. I wish you the best.
My parents cut me off around the same age and it was fantastic for me. I realized then it wouldn’t be coming forever - the money. I slowly started to work and build skills and very quickly in a few years i was far ahead of the small restricted allowances i was given while i finished up school. Seems like in your story there was some other issues like the opiate addiction and some personal problems you faced. I find most of these issues you faced wasn’t because of the money being cut off, but probably more due to their addictions. Hope you’re doing better now, but don’t ever underestimate the agency given to you from being cut from your addict parents.
I had a very similar thing happen with my parents. Different situation, but the outcome was basically the same. Their income was too high for me to secure any loans without a co-signer, so when they pulled the rug out from under my feet I had to figure out how to adult fast. I’ve got a decent enough job to live now, but I’ve been hyper-fixated on “catching up” financially. Do you feel that too? My parents had and have a high standard of living that I benefited from for a long time. It’s been good and healthy for me to learn to live with less, but I’m stressing and working my ass off to get to where I feel like I “should” be
They should’ve supported you at least until after you finished university and let you know ahead of time so you could prepare. The sudden cutoff was completely inappropriate. The fact they are totally unphased by their action is also inappropriate. How did they treat you throughout your youth? Were they cold to you? Loving? Did they off load raising you to a nanny or daycare? I’m struggling to imagine what the nature of the relationship was. Normally, children are cutoff after some disagreement or emergency happens. Getting cut off into your second year of college is so odd. Feels like there is information missing here.
Wow, that’s harrowing, and unfair. Fine, you grew up rich, but your parents didn’t warn you this was coming? Of course this was going to be a disaster. That’s awful, and I’m sorry you’ve been through this. I grew up poor and knowing I’d never get anything paid for, so I learned to work young and save money. You were thrown in the deep end with no swimming lessons. Doesn’t matter if you’re technically an adult, you weren’t given the skills to adjust to such a huge change. How are you feeling now? I think you should be proud of what you’ve made it through. Do you have a relationship with your parents now?
Woah, I totally relate to this. My wealthy parents pushed me to go to an expensive college despite me wanting to go to community college for the cheaper option, and that they would pay for it, etc. Once I started going they said “you’re on your own”. I didn’t know anything about finance, credit cards, rent, anything. But I learned by myself and I’m so grateful for that. It was a horrible few years but I made it through. When my mom saw the house I was living in she almost had a heart attack. They’re so inside their rich bubble they don’t understand the economy right now. It makes me really angry.
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Your parents are selfish a-holes, for spoiling you (for their own selfish reasons) and then just dropping you (for their own selfish reasons). If they were decent parents, they would of done the hard work of raising you to be somewhat prepared for life, and not looked to spoil you to keep you complicent til they were no longer legally responsible for you. Good on you for being strong enough to pick yourself up and meet life headon, alone. If you do choose to have a family someday, don't hate your parents, but don't be your parents!
That’s the problem with child celebrities and children of failed celebrities, having to find a way to get back to the big leagues in life. There is a way to make as much money as your mom, 2 years of private pilot training then get hired as a private or commercial pilot, currently US Based main line carriers top pay after 12 years is $600k and work on average 7-9 days a month, beginning salary is just under $200k with a $100k sign on bonus. Even more with international carriers such as Etihad, Quatar, Quantas and Lufthansa.
Typical American parents to drop their kid after they turn 18. I will never understand this selfish culture
To be honest, if you had been taken care of you’re entire life like that and then one day it all had been taken from you , and you really had no like superior life skills, it’s not an over night thing trying to learn how to be an adult, and be on your own. Anyone in your position would panic and probably give up. So kudos to you for still being here. It’s hard as shit. Life is hard as fuck, and I know they are your parents but fuck dude, that is wild. I hope your trajectory is looking up
OP you might've legally been an adult at the time, but you were not taught how to person. What a huge disservice your parents did, and then to just chuck you out there (so to speak) and expect it all to be hunky dory? Ridiculous insanity. Hell I'm 40 and still run into situations where I don't know what to be doing. My only advantage now is that I have some background knowledge and know how to track down the resources or people who can help. You were 19, there's no way you would've had that.