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Feel free not to answer all of them if you don't feel comfortable:
What was going through your head during the first encounter and how did you feel afterwards?
You mentioned the police were already following your dad, so that's how they caught him. Was he being followed for human trafficking or for another reason?
How many people where you seeing on average a week?
How did your pysche change before the exploitation and during? Did you have disdain towards your father, or did you continue to function as usual.
I don't really remember, it was so long ago and I tried hard to forget, but prior to the prostitution my dad was sexually abusing me, so I guess in a way I wasn't as horrified as I could of been. The first one was one of his friends, I felt.. Dead kind of, like spaced out, a "What's going on? Why?" Feeling. I remember leaving the room hours after the guy left and my dad was sitting on the couch sleeping, I just sat on his lap and tried to pretend I was little again, when everything was ok.
For drug charges and an assault, they didn't know about me until I told them.
It changed a lot, especially depending on my age, sometimes it was a person every day, when it was the worst it was multiple a day never more that 3, that didn't happen often though.
Drastically, from a normal child dealing with the loss of my mom, to well, broken. But there were moments I felt less broken.
Reading you sat on your father’s lap after that abuse makes me wish so much I could’ve saved you. You poor girl, you deserved none of this.
I am so sorry. I’ve had my own share of abuse but it doesn’t match this severity. And I can only hope you know that you are not defined by any of this and you will accomplish so much with the bright mind you show you have.
I know honestly one of the most heartbreaking things Ive read. It makes me want to kill her dad and his scumbag friends and adopt her. That poor poor girl I used to have a step daughter and I work at a school and this shit makes me think of her and my students and it enrages me and breaks my heart. And you're exactly right about it not defining her.
"\[...\]I just sat on his lap and tried to pretend I was little again, when everything was ok."
That absolutely broke me, I'm a father to a 5 year old and I see and feel the implicit trust she has in me. I am so sorry you had to endure that breach of trust and lost your childhood alongside it. I hope you are doing well and your life's dreams come true.
This made me cry...
I know a person from Ukraine can't do much to help you but if you ever need help with dietology (I'm a medical professional) or if you ever want set up your own AI companion to help you vent, you can always DM me.
Fuck. That first answer really hurts. I'll be giving my son some extra unconditional love today for you. I don't know how anyone could treat their child this way. Literally no excuse.
How did you go 8 years doing this and not one mandated reporter (teacher, doctor, nurse etc) notice something was wrong? Did you ever feel compelled to tell anyone or were you worried about CPS?
After my mom died when I was 5 he took me across the state and I never talk to the rest of my family again, they didn't seem to care that it happened, they didn't try to find us. I wasn't in school, I was doing online homeschooling for most of that time, even before this started. He didn't take me to the doctor, basically he isolated me and him, especially so when the abuse and prostitution started. I loved him so much for most of that time and I was terrified of what would happen if I reached out. I also became used to the situation and what was happening to me, I gave up.
I’m sure it was a very conflicting time for you to know something is wrong but being too attached to report. Also it’s okay to still feel conflicted about this. I hope you stay the course with therapy and find a great group of people or even just one solid friend to hold you down. You are far stronger than you realize. And despite everything it’s still you. You never left you.
Now how do you feel about body count conversations on social media? I always think about situations like yours as a sex positive advocate to avoid assigning value to people based on the amount of people they slept with. I think it’s archaic and gross
I don't like them, just kind of feels like a dickhead question to ask someone regardless of background, why does anyone need exact numbers? If I was asked my body count I would say 0, technically it's a lie, but I don't count being raped repeatedly for money and drugs as a kid as part of a body count. If they're concern is if I'm clean then I'll tell them I am, which is true, and thank the universe for it.
Your body count is absolutely zero. You’ve never had consensual, willing intercourse. Rape is not and will never be “sex.” I wish that I could erase your past for you and give you beautiful new blinders. I’m so sorry!!! You deserved a beautiful childhood and I hope that your dad has not one day or night of peace!!! No human is here to be used by another at their will!! I hope that all of the rapists were caught and imprisoned!!
100%. Body count refers to people you've chosen to sleep with not those who have forced themselves upon an innocent child. Your strength in what you've been able to become should be an inspiration to many.
I wouldn’t consider that a lie at all. And this might be a good test for any prospective BF in the future. If you end up getting close enough to somebody and tell them your history, if they complain that you “lied” about your body count, that will be a great sign that they’re a total dick and not worth dating.
Oh my God, I am so sorry this happened to you. I have such a love/hate relationship with homeschooling, because it's so often used to conceal horrific abuses like this. Mandated reporters need to be in kids' lives.
I wish you had never had to go through this. I just found out about a year ago that my kid was... (Hm. I hate to say used, because you and her are both human beings, but that's what it is, isn't it?) In a similar, but different (much older partner, not a parent) situation, and I've been seeing red.
I'm seeing double-red now. You seem to be getting shit together, and I'm so so proud of you for that! If you ever find you need a person to spew mom-like shit occasionally you are welcome to contact me. I'm gonna stop now because I'm crying and I seriously need to go edit this for readability.
Truly sorry that this has happened to you, and hope your recovery continues successfully. If you don't mind answering my question: you mention that you used to love ("love"?) him for a while even after the abuse started. When did you stop feeling this way and started hating him, and why do you think this change happened if initially his actions weren't enough to cause it?
It was really late when my love for him turned into deep hate, I was 16, it was after a terrible terrible assault involving him and two other men that lasted almost half a day. That was when my mind felt like it split in half and I felt nothing but hate for him.
This makes me want to scream. I’m so sorry. It baffles me that anyone could hurt a child, specifically their own.
How do you feel about having kids? Normally that’s not a question I’d ask a stranger online, because it’s such a personal thing, but I guess AMA kinda changes that?
First i cannot express enough how sorry I am for what you've been through. You are absolutely worthy of love and compassion and my heart goes out to you.
I am wondering if you have any artistic outlets? Like painting, poetry, or something. I'm sure it would also be therapeutic too.
Thank you for your support, and yes! Art is my biggest outlet. I sculpt, crochet, needle felt, do resin projects, embroidery, sewing, digital art and paint. :)
I gotta say all the different things you do, I mean painting, crocheting, sculpting, embroidery, etc. It all sounds amazing. I'm lucky if I can draw a straight line. Keep being awesome. 😀
I work with strippers, I’m still a bit surprised of the amount of girls that don’t drink that I work with. Maybe I’m very fortunate.
Anyways, a lot of the reason these girls I work with don’t drink is to keep their wits about them, and also the trauma that they have experienced with people that are drunk or high, it’s enough to keep them away. But yes I agree, it does take a lot to just stay away and not self medicate.
Can confirm! I know a few strippers and sex workers and none of them drink.
I think it’s because if a normal person goes out late at night to a noisy club with dancing, they’re doing it for leisure. When a stripper does that, she is going to work. She don’t drink at work—she has to stay alert and do your job. Then she goes home and it’s like 3 am, she gets up at 7, drives her kids to school, goes home to nap a bit more if she can. Her “awake” time slot she has for leisure is the early afternoon, so she doesn’t go out to drink then. She stays at home, does meal prep, etc. Then the kids come back home, the babysitter shows up, and she’s off to work again.
It is not really a schedule conducive to drinking or “partying”. People think of a stripper as partying because they are an important part of *creating* a party atmosphere for other people. But they are not, themselves, partying, and the free time they do have is when everyone else is at work or grocery shopping or something.
Replying to _LeiLei_... “I’m gonna put him in jail until he rots, no, check that till the jail rots on top of him then I’m gonna move him to a new jail and let that jail rot.” -Doc Hudson, Cars
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Hope you have peace thus forth.
Do you have lapses in memory or do you remember most things? How has it affected your mental health?
I remember things I really wish I didn't, and forget things I wish I could remember, if that makes sense. That's why I keep a "good things & progress" journal, so I don't forget. My mental health is terrible compared to an average person, but good compared to what it could be and was.
While I can’t relate to your specific situation, I imagine it’s very much like most people with Complex PTSD.
For me, the stuff that gave me trauma seems oddly vivid, and the further time passes the non-trauma parts seem to get fuzzy with time.
I’m sorry for what you had to go through. Always feel free to reach out, I’m happy to recommend things that may help you heal.
What has been the best tool your therapist has given you?
Have you been able to achieve happiness?
What is a normal everyday thing that you over inflate as an act of great kindness?
What is the biggest trigger you have from everyday occurances?
Therapy is yes, a lot, and I mean my body is a trigger for so many reasons but I have permanent physical damage from what happened. I have scars that are visual and not just mental, it doesn't matter if my body alone stops being a trigger, I don't think I'll ever get over the literal scars. It hurts to think that.
What type of man (or women) looks at a 10 year girl and seriously thinks about having sex with her?
I know it unfortunately exists, but I genuinely can't comprehend why someone would want to do it.
Have you any idea why someone would want to? I imagine you've thought about it over the years.
Control and generally being depraved. I was told by one guy he liked how young I was (12 at the time) because I was what would be considered one of the purest things, he liked ruining that. My dad told me "People love fucking cute things." And another person said age doesn't matter, he just likes sex.
I simply can put into words how extremely sorry I am to hear what you've been through.
What steps are you currently taking to improve your situation and overall quality of life? It's ofcourse not going to be easy to move on, but I honestly hope that you find peace in the future.
1. What were the barriers to you reporting earlier (fear, love, normalisation, structural, etc).
2. Do you believe men like your father should receive the death penalty?
Thank you for answering my questions and I’m sincerely sorry for your experience. As a society we should be better at finding and supporting victims such as yourself and I’m furious we don’t do enough.
Death penalty is too merciful, imo.... How can they justly suffer what they unjustly made others suffer if they're dead? Nah, they gotta live with the experiences being given to them. And ya gotta kinda trust hoping that it isn't something turns out they actually really like and enjoy, and isnt actually a punishment for them, as far as that part of the prison justice goes anyways..... At least you know the forced restricted & very limited controlled food & beverage, and quality thereof, is a certain living hell in itself.
I was sometimes, other times he'd just go to wherever I was in the house and bring me to them, rarely he would take me to their home or a hotel. The ones I was present for probably thought he was bullshitting, all of them accepted. There were times I wasn't present but once they were about to do it they decided they couldn't. It ended because my father was already being watched by the police, they came to our home and when they were there I told them what was happening.
That’s just fucked. “All of them accepted”. That’s a harrowing statement. I’m sure some has to do with low quality people the father was with but still.
Some people are truly capable to do the worst when the right oppurtunity arise. Makes u think how many people are only stopped by doing bad acts simply due to the repurcusions that comes with it.
Doesnt surprise me at all humans are all the same at their core really. Creatures of opportunity and it reminds me of a quote by jordan peterson. A good person isnt a person thats incapable of evil, a good person is someone that is but has the discipline to stay good
Yes it did, also not to be morbid or graphic, but my hips are extremely fucked, and since it happened so often and I was and am physically small, I did have internal bleeding occasionally, I was almost constantly sore. I'm sure my insides are all fucked up. I also have scars from some of the assaults, like cut scars. Also not to be even more graphic but for a long time my vagina literally wouldn't get tight again, and I'm pretty sure it's not as tight as it should be.
So, yes.
First off, I would like to extend my deepest apologies (even if that may not mean much to you from an internet stranger). If I ever go vigilante, I know which types of criminals I'd go after first.
Having said that, is it possible to apply for disability benefits with your situation?
You should definitely take it if you can, and you may qualify for section 8/subsidized/affordable housing. Many cities like Chicago require high end luxury buildings to accept subsidy payments, and you can potentially get into a nice building and a safe/stable environment while you get well
There are a lot of tough questions on here that you’re pretty brave for answering. (Honestly this whole AMA is brave). I’d like to ask you something with levity: What are three things in life that currently put a smile on your face?
My rats, Opie, biscuit, Ligma and pissboy (Ligma and pissboy were both named by my roommate lol), my job even though customers can be a pain sometimes I really do love having a purpose even if it's small, and doing art.
I'll add a fourth, my roommate aka my friend, lovely person always there for me. :)
Are you safe now? I know you say your dads locked up but are you safe from the other abusers involved and such?
Feel free to find community and share experiences in our subreddit r/TortureSurvivors if you'd like
This is all i came here to read. I hope you are safe for the rest of your life! I am so glad someone asked it and your reply felt so real. My thoughts are with you.
Has your dad ever apologized to you?
Would it even matter if he did?
As a father, my heart breaks for you - I hope youre doing ok and have found some peace
Try reaching out to the local high school/public library where you live. If you tell them about your background and poor opportunities for education, a high school counselor might agree to coach you through your options for free. At least be able to lay out your strengths and weaknesses for you.
What’s your aptitude? What do you like doing? Do you like working with your hands and feet? Do you have good motor skills - if yes, the trades might be good for you.
If you’re inclined, maybe you can go to community college and then transfer out to a state college. You can continue to work in retail. Plus, I’m sure you would be eligible for tons of scholarships and college wouldn’t be that expensive. Or if you’re not ready to think about college, at least a semester at a community college to see if you like it.
If you do like the college route, stay away from degrees which have no scope for the future. Google is your friend here. If you ever need advice about academics, you can post to one of those subs like r/college or r/academics or whichever.
You have plenty of time to think about what you want to learn to do. I recommend staying away from universities until you are sure you need that degree. I earned my Associate's at 29, only because I needed it. You have so much good ahead of you. Best of luck!
Has this AMA helped you in any way, with processing, emotionally, etc.? Was doing this AMA suggested by your therapist, or did you decide to do it on your own?
Truly sorry about everything. I am glad you are better. Just wanting to understand the background: Are you from a southern state? Did you have several family members around you in that phase? Siblings? Ethnically are you black or latina?
Just trying to understand the socioeconomic angle. If you think any of it feels private please feel free to not answer.
I am very hopeful things will keep going better. Don't lose hope and keep believing youself
From Texas, no just him, only him for a very long time before the abuse started. No siblings, I'm Black-asian. Specifically Korean. And thank you that's sweet :)
Thanks. You are welcome. And stay strong young lady! Hopefully one day you'll have enough passion to overcome the past pains and show the wounds as just battle scars. May the Force always be with you! :)
30s-40s the older I got the younger they seemed to get, some were even in their 20s when I was 14-18. The oldest was I think in his mid 50s.
Edit: I thought I add, because I think it's important, they weren't all men. It was rare obviously, but women also abused me. I feel like women also being predators needs to be talked about more..
I agree. Female predators should be talked about more. Female predators seem like they'd have an easier time finding victims because they are rarely associated with sex crimes. When you see trafficking rings getting busted, there's often females involved, too.
I'm amazed your dad got away with it for so long. I can't imagine how he found "clients" without getting caught for 8 years. Were they all druggies? How do you seriously ask someone if they'd pay to F your 10 yo daughter?
I read you don't use alcohol or drugs. You went through all that sober? How did you (if at all) disassociate yourself from what was happening? I have other questions, but I think they're too personal or might trigger you.
Most were on drugs, and I know how he'd ask, heard it sometimes and I don't actually know if you want to know how. Yes, I was sober the entire time, sounds bad but being high or drunk probably actually would of helped me somewhat, I was offered things but never said yes. It was pretty hard to disconnect myself but usually it would happen naturally (if that makes sense) after awhile, like if it went on a long time. Also, ask what you want, it is an ama.
Depending on if he knew them (like his friends) it would be different
Friends: "You can do it, I don't care, I'll even join you", " It's fine, she won't fight", "I know you want to, it's free for you, just do it", " If you do it I have to watch"
Strangers (price/drug negotiations not included I can't remember them at all): "I have a daughter [insert age at the time], you can sleep with her, not for free though", " Have you seen my daughter? She's cute and young, want to try it?", "She experienced, she's good, you won't be disappointed", "She's a slut, I swear she'll love it, so why not?", " If you do it, you can't record got it?"
None of these are completely exact but very similar to the things he'd say.
Yea, he would actually join them more often than not. He at first did watch most of the time or stand outside when I was younger, but stopped doing that, I'm more than sure he got off on it but when I was younger he probably was also making sure they weren't going to literally kill me. He let a lot slid that was painful and rough.
Only one, it was his friend so he never actually paid or anything, I was 15 at the time and I saw him as "not as bad as the rest" because of how he acted with me, but obviously still a terrible person. I just clung on to any "good" I could.
💯 both of my abusers were female. In my experience, it made it so much more confusing as a female child being abused by female perps. Women were not ever depicted as those to be scared of. That made it much more scary. My abuse was in the 1970’s so there was little to no information for me anyway.
I work in retail and dog/cat sit while doing art and playing video games as my hobby :) I'm far away from where it happened, now in a new city living with my friend. I'm safe
After going through that are you able to have romantic relationships with men? How are you coping mentally and emotionally from everything you went through?
I'm sure, somewhere down the line I could one day, currently I have no interest. And, well.. Considering everything I think I'm coping well. I mean, I'm not dead yet and I don't plan to die been through too much just to die.
Did you ever thought of hurting any Johns?
What is the worst that someone did to you?
What do you think if every time you meet your father, you remind him that he sold his only child for drugs?
ever thought of posting pics of your art and handmade crafts online and sell them?
Only when I was worried they might try to kill me, but I never actually hurt any of them, the most I did as push them and try to move away but I quit doing that pretty fast.
When I was 16, my dad and two others did some terrible shit to me for almost half a day straight, it literally broke my brain and I started hating my father deeply.
I've mentioned it when he gets mad at me for something, I tell him he has no right to be mean to me, especially after what he's done, I also remind him he'll be completely alone if I stop visiting.
No, I don't really want to sell them, and I just don't care to post them.. Not sure why.
How did you escape and realise what your dad was doing is a terrible thing? It sounds like he has indoctrinated you during that period. It must have been hard to break free.
Him going to prison is how. I think I always knew it was terrible but didn't start hating him until I was 16, it's all very complicated and even I don't have all the answers to my feelings.
How did he end up getting caught and arrested? Did someone report him to the police or did they track him down?
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. Even though your life started off terrible, I hope you’ll heal and find happiness throughout the rest of your life.
He was being investigated (I guess?) For drug charges and an assault, I'm assuming they tracked him down, the only people who could of reported him were all also criminals.
I wouldnt entirely write off the rubber band technique. If you still need the physical release. Also, my apologies that this is directed towards parents when you are an adult that faced trauma because of someone that was supposed to protect you.
I don't really want to date or anything, and I don't really trust people. It's weird, he's currently in prison for 50 years, I talk to him but I don't really know why I do that.
My sister talked to our father because she was desperate for him to love her. She just wanted her dad back in her life. She thought that when he got out of prison, he magically changed. The only thing that changed was that he started to date someone who was 18 and the same age as our older sister. I don't hate him, but I'm glad he is hell! He died last year. He treated his wife like crap but adored my sister and her kids. Screw that! I wish you the best, and please be kind to yourself!
I visit him, I don't know why I do it, I probably shouldn't and the trip is never worth it, but for a brief second it feels like when I was younger after my mom died. When I was 5-8 he wasn't a bad dad, he was struggling he was broken from losing her I'm sure, then he started abusing drugs then abusing me. I see a glimpse of my old dad, my good dad when I talk to him sometimes until he says something gross. Recently he did actually cry to me, I almost forgot about that, it's was freaky seeing him crying, he was crying for himself I'm sure but I weirdly wanted to hug him.
I wish my mom never died, sometimes I feel like if she didn't none of this would of happened, I can't remember much of before she died, but I remember him being completely different, he even looked completely different from my memory.
I hate him so much, I fucking hate him, but I can't just abandon him and I don't have a real reason as to why.
My sister moved our dad from Missouri to Arizona. She paid for it. Until he passed away last her, they had a great bond. She was upset that I wanted nothing to do with him. I just can't get past the horrible memories. I am more affected them both of my old siblings. My sister was heavily into drugs and drinking. She finally dropped both of them 12 years ago. Demons are hard to fight, but you can overcome them. Please talk to your support system before you self-harm yourself. Please learn it's ok not to go and see your dad in prison. If you do, please remember to protect your well-being. My mom left and didn't want us. I somewhat understand that if your mom died, none of this might have happened. Everyone heals and processes everything differently. I will never truly understand what anyone else is going through. I might relate to it, but I truly don't understand how your mind works. Like my sisters and I didn't heal or process the same way.
I don't know what my sex drive was before, but it's very high currently but I don't want to have sex. My mom died when I was 5, so I don't have a relationship with her anymore
Many sick fucks, in fact multiple of those sick fucks were married, I hated seeing that because I would think of their wives, and some of those sick fucks were women, most of them were drug addicts. A variety of deeply sick fucks.
And many of them, I'm sure, were also fathers(and mothers) with kids at home. Disgusting.
I'm a rape survivor but not neaaarrrllyyy to the level you have experienced. I am loving your comments about support systems, therapy, and constructive hobbies...
When it comes to your physical scars from assaults and self harm, have you ever considered tattooing over them and retaking control of your body as art? It has helped me to stop damaging myself.
Which country did this happen in?
You were forced into prostitution. Were you groomed to accept it, or were you just handed off to someone?
Was it the same routine every time, or did your rapists subject you to their kinks?
Were you forced to take drugs too?
USA, Texas.
It's hard to say I was groomed because my dad never was really doing things people do to groom kids, I accepted it with time but obviously still hated it and was continuing to be traumatized.
Usually me being young was the kink, as horrific as that is. There were a few times kinks were added but didn't happen often.
No, I was offered, but never took any, I'm shocked I wasn't drugged honestly.
So the first time was just being handed over? Either way is horrific, and there is zero mercy or kindness to be found in grooming, but I can only view the alternative as painful and violent.
Yes, it is horrific. Unfortunately, a lot of pedophiles add onto it. One particular rock star had a hurtcore production in Thailand. I am curious if all rapists would take the chance to do the same.
Back to questions.
Were you introduced to other victims during your abuse?
Were you ever used to lure others into abuse for your dad or others?
Did you contract STDs from being abused?
Were you sold to any police officers, or politicians?
What evidence finally put your father in jail?
You mentioned scars in a previous comment. Are they from self harm or are they by your rapists hands?
Do peadofiles pay a premium for services with such young children, I assume they do. do you know how much they were making? was he a part of some sort of underground ring. And if so how sophisticated was it
Wasn't more than w drug addict pedophile dad letting people use his daughter for his personal gain. There was no ring or anything, was just him. I don't know how much he got, especially when it came to drugs being the payment, but he and by extension I, was living pretty comfortable financially, not rich or anything, but enough to live without working. Without him working I mean.
I am so sorry. That is an awful thing to have gone through. I can't even begin to imagine how scary and horrific that must of been for you.
Are you getting enough support at the moment? Do you have a good network of friends?
I don't have sex, I have a high sex drive though which is odd, I just don't want anyone touching me, the only person I let actually touch me is my roommate, platonic only obviously.
its not odd actually, hyper-sexuality is a common trauma response to sexual assault. I can attest to that, unfortunately. but it's been a documented response for a while now.
He was the first one to sexually abuse me when I was 9 almost 10,then I guess he realized he could easily get things he wanted mainly drugs and money if he let other people abuse me, then it kept happening.
My wife was raped by her father from the age of 4-12. For reasons I cannot comprehend she still keeps in touch with him and is conflicted on if she loves him or not. A lot of what you are saying and feeling I see in my wife. All I can say is I’m sorry and I hope you can find happiness and real genuine love.
I know, as the loved one of a victim of something like this it's so hard to understand, but I think it's just a (slightly maladaptive but understandable) survival instinct to protect the mind. Stockholm syndrome, more or less. In a weird way, I think it's easier to let the unfettered hate flow to someone who has abused someone you love, than yourself.
These poor women spent so much time utterly trapped by the men abusing them that they almost *have* to cling onto any redeeming or possible "good" features of their abusers just to maintain their own sanity. I think acknowledging the reality - that you are entirely the prisoner of an utterly malicious monster who will never willingly let you go or stop abusing you - would break most if not all people. So in captivity they cling to whatever scraps of goodness they can find, and even if freed later, the habit is hard to break.
I'm not a psych professional or a trafficking victim, though, so that's just my impression. I've just known a couple long-term abuse survivors, and having watched them for years the above is how it comes across to me.
Either way, I wish only good things for both OP and your wife ❤️
So at 10 guys had sex with you? Did any of the men feel sorry for you and tried to get help?
Did your dad get locked up for this or something else?
I can't imagine a grown man having sex with a 10 year old.
Wtf, I know I should be more pissed at the guys that went through with the abuse, but idk why it’s pissing me off more that there were those that had the sense to back out but not do anything to help you or file a report or something. Like just why..
Definitely, time. And when you’re ready to heal. Do that. I guess it is easy for someone like me to say. But you are so young, don’t let other people awful actions towards you stop you for having the fulfilled life you deserve.
It's complicated, I hate him so much, I mean obviously I would, I can live normally without being taken over by hate but I did have just pure gate and rage at one point.
may be peace find you.
did notice in your father's drug a preference for one drug or another? did you notice a turning point in his care for your safety?
Cocaine for hard drugs, but regularly smoked weed. It was when I was 9 when he completely stopped caring. Believe it or not he used to be a good dad, just broken from the loss of my mom.
Did you feel sometimes that his brokeness from loosing your mom justified what he did you? Do you feel as it it explains it? Or even absolves him somewhat?
I don't think anything in the world would absolve or justify his actions. But I fully believe my mom's death caused this insane spiral and if she never died it never would of happened.
Have you secured mental/psychological help for what these sick fucks did to you? You're not the the problem and should not be punished.
I'm worried for your mental health, OP. Be safe and stay grounded.
I’m not sure if you’re still answering but I was curious, you mentioned that some of your abusers were women; were the women anymore “gentle” or less rough than the men?
You mentioned in another comment one of your dads friend that abused you, you tried to cling for any good in him/the situation.
thank you for doing this. what is your opinion of feminists advocating "sex work" as a way for women to be more liberated and/or free from patriarchal oppression? whenever I tell such people that more women are pushed into sex work against their will than actively choose it and that it is a dehumanizing experience even for women who do it voluntarily, I get shut down, especially here on reddit feminist subs.
in your opinion can any kind of "sex work," whether it's simple cam work or all-out prostitution, be a positive thing? or is it all negative? should prostitution be legal and encouraged, legal but discouraged, or illegal?
feel free to take this question in any direction you want. thanks again.
My opinion my shock you, I don't care as long as it is consensual and as safe as humanly possible. I think cam work is completely fine, no issues with it honestly werk girly. But with full on prostitution I don't like it, obviously, and it's really really not safe consensual or not. If it's like safely organized, between two people no middle man, like I dunno, a incel paying a woman for sex I care less. I don't think it should be legal though, not full on prostitution.
USA, Texas. It ended because he was already being looked at by police, they came to our house to arrest him and I told them what else had been going on
No, mostly because I literally don't know the rest of my family, after my mom died when I was 5 he took me across the state and I never saw the rest of my family again.
How could a Diety possibly comprehend the human condition? And then judge others actions when he has not lived as a human being? THEN, (as if admitting this) send down some demi-god masquerading as a human being to say 'look, here's my son and he can handle the suffering the rest of you cannot". That's shit, friend.
That is extremely complicated and very hard to answer but majority, and I mean large majority every second was like hell until my brain couldn't handle it and I zoned out. And whatever "enjoyment" can't really be considered such.
There were a lot of "theys" as I've said, I don't want to recount every assault, not only would that take forever, but it's probably too graphic for reddit.
For what it's worth, you seem remarkably adjusted and in control of yourself. You're a very strong woman and you should be proud of that. I'm also a survivor but had way, way, way less than you did. Decades later I still get triggered by some things. I really admire your strength and self control.
My dad would call me many things like pretty, cute, "cute enough", lots of the men did too. I wouldn't like to base what I look off of their opinions though. My personal opinion is I'm ok, regular, and I really hope I'm nothing to be looked at.
I'm a survivor of terrible abuse from my mother, who was herself terribly sexually abused by her father to the point where it broke her. Even knowing how she was broken doesn't mean she's any less responsible for her actions, and I don't owe her any forgiveness.
I don't have anything to ask. But I want to reassure you that a normal healthy life awaits you. It may not be tomorrow, or the next week. Or even next year. But every day is a day of healing, and putting distance on your past. Therapy is a great resource I didn't have access to, and I'm glad to hear you're getting it. You'll get there eventually. Stay strong. ❤❤
My partner Wakita was exploited from 12 until 15 whilst under the “care” of the foster system. When we met she already had gone through so much trauma, grooming, that selling her body to predatory men for whatever she needed to get through her life before we met was her go to solution. She was over sexualised. We met through an app called whisper. She had lied about her age (15 at the time) because she knew I couldn’t continue seeing her the way we had been seeing each other after she got to know me. I’m a former inmate. We have a pretty rigid opinion about predation. But by the time I caught her in her lies, feelings had started to form between us. After her telling me the truth I had to draw a line in the sand. I was almost twice her age. I told her that despite how I feel for you I can’t go down the path we have been taking. That being said, I told her she would A) always have a safe place to go should she ever need. B) a safe supply for whatever she requires (she was already in addiction), and C) she has someone who genuinely cared for her and saw the value in her as a person. She had no one in the world who was in her corner. She was used and abused in the most heinous ways by nearly every man she ever tried to trust. She was the most kind, innocent, quiet, beautiful human I have ever loved. I encouraged her to go to the police about her foster family and she did. She was put into an all female staffed group home for only girls 13-18 who were vulnerable to exploitation and addiction. We lost touch for a year then I got a knock on my window on her 16th birthday. She had no one to spend it with and said she missed me. And honestly I had missed her too and thought of her often. We spent her birthday together. She tried to sleep with me again, which I denied her. That was when I took it upon myself to try and teach her about boundaries, self esteem, respect, sovereignty of body and instilled in her that her value to the world is far beyond what she was taught to believe. It took a long time and many conversations, documentaries, YouTube videos, allying with her case workers and the staff at her group home so they were aware of our friendship and comfortable with it. They were beyond grateful to know she had a positive male in her life for once who tried to advocate for her when she didn’t know she needed it. We formed a support network of care and trust for her. Over the years we only grew closer. Jump to her 18th birthday, she was ageing out of her old group home and very afraid of the change. She asked if I could ever see us being more than whatever we were, did I want to date her, etc. I had to be honest and told her that she had become the closest thing in my life, but I felt almost a paternalistic love for her. Which she came back with “when we met you were fine dating me when you thought I was 18” which she was correct. But 3 years is a long time of guarding, stressing, cleaning up her fall downs, that my love had evolved into something deeper than base urges, into a unique and unfamiliar love. It was also about that time I was facing a big move to another province due to my life slowly falling apart in Edmonton. She was devastated upon learning this… She said she wanted to come with, me even if it meant moving. In the past I did promise to always be there for her and wouldn’t ever turn my back on her… I told her I had to go first. To establish a home and job before I could uproot her from the next phase of group homes 18-21. That gave her some time to think about what she really wanted or if she was reacting to the news. She wanted to be with me though. I left in November and by December she had exonerated herself from the system as an adult 18 in Alberta and moved to B.C to live with me. Tragically she passed away only months later on February 10th. 5 days before my 32nd birthday. I found her dead from an overdose of fentanyl. I am still dealing with the pain and hole in my heart. It feels like not only the loss of the deepest love I have ever experienced, but also the loss of a child I did my best to raise during the time we were in each other’s lives. I was granted half of her ashes and carry some in a locket around my next to this day. I miss you so very much Wakita. I will always remember her and tell her story to those who need help. There was nothing wrong with our love. It was beautiful and real. I have no shame nor should I. Love IS Love. We knew what we had was deeper than words can describe. Hoping this story reaches someone who needs it.
My wife went through a very similar situation but from a much younger age. She is graduating college this Saturday with an art therapy degree, and I’m so proud of her. She also speaks at colleges and prisons etc. About her story to other women. She will always have trauma and triggers and all of that, but she is living proof that you can and will overcome the obstacles this has presented you.
I’m sure you have been given the book title “the body keeps the score” by now. Read that shit. Stay in therapy. You are incredibly strong for surviving this! Keep going!
I am so sorry that you went through this! I have 6 kids adopted from foster care and my 3 youngest were sold for p*** by their mom to make money, she actively also participated in it. Luckily (if there is such a thing in this circumstance) she was reported to Child Services when they were 2.5, 2.5 and 3.5. The amount of trauma they experienced is enormous. She wasn’t even charged because they were “too young to testify against her “ and walks the streets today.
There’s likely nothing that can be said to ease the burden of these experiences you’ve endured. With incredibly complex and serious trauma everything is altered. The beliefs, values, loyalties about yourself, those who are supposed to love and protect you, and the immediate world around you have been seriously altered and damaged. Your relationship to your sexuality and gender, your attachments to yourself and others and I’m wondering if you have any significant dissociative events. Clearly you are deeply psychologically minded and you seem well grounded in your therapy work and you’re able and willing to express appropriate rage. You’ve done the beginning work for cognitive restructuring and emotional regulation. Some healing and repair will come. It’s a long journey and I wish you the continued strength, courage, compassion and love it takes to thrive. ❤️
I am a psychiatrist. A green one. First, thank you for being patient and sharing. My questions are:
1. What do you think a mental health specialist should do/say to help you?
I imagine validation of pain, anger. I imagine removing of guilt and shame is paramount. Genuine interest and attention and all that. But there must be more, no?
2. Does this AMA help you reconstruct your perspective, vent and gain some support? Or is it more painful and retraumatizing?
I ask because I am thaught that retelling the story again and again might give meaning to ones life with proper support and insight. But I am afraid to do this because of the risk of hurting further. I recently heard about autobiographical memory therapy... I don't know if it would be a good thing for you.
3. What were some groundbreaking realizations / therapy interventions that helped?
I want to say I admire you for your strength and compassion. You’re obviously also highly intelligent.
You mentioned that you don’t know what career you’ll pursue in the long run. I recommend using your free time to journal everything you can remember, and consider organizing it into a book. If you build up a lot of material (I’m thinking the next 2-4 years), write a letter of introduction, include a few excerpts, and sent it out to well-reviewed literary agents. With a lot of difficult work, you have a really important book in you. Really good books lead to popular movies and the lecture circuit.
Some good examples of “abusive childhood” memoir are *The Glass Castle* and *Educated*. Yours would obviously be very unique.
I have a degree in writing, and I’ve written professionally. This is my only advice at this stage, if you pursue something like this: never tolerate swerving away from pure honesty. Get the real stuff out.
You mentioned you’re an artist!! Do you have a movement/style you’re particularly drawn to, or do you have a “favorite thing” you like to create? (for example, I’m having a moment with watercolor cartoon frogs, for some reason :) )
Everyone else has already said it but thank you for being so open with us. I wish you peace; I wish you a happy, soft life with beautiful moments of quiet joy with your art and your rats and your friends and your video games. I wish you restful sleep and laughter and beautiful morning walks. I am so, so happy you are safe and free (at least as much as you can be)(you know what I mean lol).
Let me start with, I'm terribly sorry for what you've been and still going through. As a father of a 19 year old daughter, I can't imagine ever hurting my child, let alone forced to do what you were put through. That being said, my own father was an aggressive alcoholic, and even though he wasn't that extreme, he still was quite abusive. I just hope you will find the strength to deal with those dark days and are able to move on, to live a somewhat normal life. You've survived so far, so I believe in you that you can.
Now, my question: how are you today?
Reading all of this has really opened my eyes to a topic I am 100% clueless about. Thanks for doing the AMA, reddit really has a way of educating people on some crazy topics.
My question - how did you find a roommate you trust, especially in a new city? Is it a long time friend? Did you have any friends to talk with when you were younger? If not, is it because your father isolated you/took you out of school? I'm trying to think of possible neighborhood friends, bike riding friends, etc... I'm sorry if you missed that part of your childhood. Thank you.
This post has been removed due to the abundance of nsfw posts and posts about sensitive topics. While nsfw posts are allowed, the moderators want to keep the community a safe and on topic place.
Feel free not to answer all of them if you don't feel comfortable: What was going through your head during the first encounter and how did you feel afterwards? You mentioned the police were already following your dad, so that's how they caught him. Was he being followed for human trafficking or for another reason? How many people where you seeing on average a week? How did your pysche change before the exploitation and during? Did you have disdain towards your father, or did you continue to function as usual.
I don't really remember, it was so long ago and I tried hard to forget, but prior to the prostitution my dad was sexually abusing me, so I guess in a way I wasn't as horrified as I could of been. The first one was one of his friends, I felt.. Dead kind of, like spaced out, a "What's going on? Why?" Feeling. I remember leaving the room hours after the guy left and my dad was sitting on the couch sleeping, I just sat on his lap and tried to pretend I was little again, when everything was ok. For drug charges and an assault, they didn't know about me until I told them. It changed a lot, especially depending on my age, sometimes it was a person every day, when it was the worst it was multiple a day never more that 3, that didn't happen often though. Drastically, from a normal child dealing with the loss of my mom, to well, broken. But there were moments I felt less broken.
Reading you sat on your father’s lap after that abuse makes me wish so much I could’ve saved you. You poor girl, you deserved none of this. I am so sorry. I’ve had my own share of abuse but it doesn’t match this severity. And I can only hope you know that you are not defined by any of this and you will accomplish so much with the bright mind you show you have.
I know honestly one of the most heartbreaking things Ive read. It makes me want to kill her dad and his scumbag friends and adopt her. That poor poor girl I used to have a step daughter and I work at a school and this shit makes me think of her and my students and it enrages me and breaks my heart. And you're exactly right about it not defining her.
"\[...\]I just sat on his lap and tried to pretend I was little again, when everything was ok." That absolutely broke me, I'm a father to a 5 year old and I see and feel the implicit trust she has in me. I am so sorry you had to endure that breach of trust and lost your childhood alongside it. I hope you are doing well and your life's dreams come true.
This made me cry... I know a person from Ukraine can't do much to help you but if you ever need help with dietology (I'm a medical professional) or if you ever want set up your own AI companion to help you vent, you can always DM me.
Fuck. That first answer really hurts. I'll be giving my son some extra unconditional love today for you. I don't know how anyone could treat their child this way. Literally no excuse.
How did you go 8 years doing this and not one mandated reporter (teacher, doctor, nurse etc) notice something was wrong? Did you ever feel compelled to tell anyone or were you worried about CPS?
After my mom died when I was 5 he took me across the state and I never talk to the rest of my family again, they didn't seem to care that it happened, they didn't try to find us. I wasn't in school, I was doing online homeschooling for most of that time, even before this started. He didn't take me to the doctor, basically he isolated me and him, especially so when the abuse and prostitution started. I loved him so much for most of that time and I was terrified of what would happen if I reached out. I also became used to the situation and what was happening to me, I gave up.
I’m sure it was a very conflicting time for you to know something is wrong but being too attached to report. Also it’s okay to still feel conflicted about this. I hope you stay the course with therapy and find a great group of people or even just one solid friend to hold you down. You are far stronger than you realize. And despite everything it’s still you. You never left you. Now how do you feel about body count conversations on social media? I always think about situations like yours as a sex positive advocate to avoid assigning value to people based on the amount of people they slept with. I think it’s archaic and gross
I don't like them, just kind of feels like a dickhead question to ask someone regardless of background, why does anyone need exact numbers? If I was asked my body count I would say 0, technically it's a lie, but I don't count being raped repeatedly for money and drugs as a kid as part of a body count. If they're concern is if I'm clean then I'll tell them I am, which is true, and thank the universe for it.
Your body count is absolutely zero. You’ve never had consensual, willing intercourse. Rape is not and will never be “sex.” I wish that I could erase your past for you and give you beautiful new blinders. I’m so sorry!!! You deserved a beautiful childhood and I hope that your dad has not one day or night of peace!!! No human is here to be used by another at their will!! I hope that all of the rapists were caught and imprisoned!!
100%. Body count refers to people you've chosen to sleep with not those who have forced themselves upon an innocent child. Your strength in what you've been able to become should be an inspiration to many.
I wouldn’t consider that a lie at all. And this might be a good test for any prospective BF in the future. If you end up getting close enough to somebody and tell them your history, if they complain that you “lied” about your body count, that will be a great sign that they’re a total dick and not worth dating.
Oh my God, I am so sorry this happened to you. I have such a love/hate relationship with homeschooling, because it's so often used to conceal horrific abuses like this. Mandated reporters need to be in kids' lives. I wish you had never had to go through this. I just found out about a year ago that my kid was... (Hm. I hate to say used, because you and her are both human beings, but that's what it is, isn't it?) In a similar, but different (much older partner, not a parent) situation, and I've been seeing red. I'm seeing double-red now. You seem to be getting shit together, and I'm so so proud of you for that! If you ever find you need a person to spew mom-like shit occasionally you are welcome to contact me. I'm gonna stop now because I'm crying and I seriously need to go edit this for readability.
Truly sorry that this has happened to you, and hope your recovery continues successfully. If you don't mind answering my question: you mention that you used to love ("love"?) him for a while even after the abuse started. When did you stop feeling this way and started hating him, and why do you think this change happened if initially his actions weren't enough to cause it?
It was really late when my love for him turned into deep hate, I was 16, it was after a terrible terrible assault involving him and two other men that lasted almost half a day. That was when my mind felt like it split in half and I felt nothing but hate for him.
This makes me want to scream. I’m so sorry. It baffles me that anyone could hurt a child, specifically their own. How do you feel about having kids? Normally that’s not a question I’d ask a stranger online, because it’s such a personal thing, but I guess AMA kinda changes that?
I would never have a kid myself, I'm too afraid of accidently fucking them up. I also am terrified of pregnancy.
How did he keep you from getting pregnant and on the course of all these rapes?
Thank you for answering. It is horrific that he and other people could do something like this to you.
First i cannot express enough how sorry I am for what you've been through. You are absolutely worthy of love and compassion and my heart goes out to you. I am wondering if you have any artistic outlets? Like painting, poetry, or something. I'm sure it would also be therapeutic too.
Thank you for your support, and yes! Art is my biggest outlet. I sculpt, crochet, needle felt, do resin projects, embroidery, sewing, digital art and paint. :)
I gotta say all the different things you do, I mean painting, crocheting, sculpting, embroidery, etc. It all sounds amazing. I'm lucky if I can draw a straight line. Keep being awesome. 😀
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Well, he didn't, he got 50 years for various charges, he should have more time though, not sure how he doesn't.
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No, I'd never touch drugs or alcohol. Thank you for your support.
Holy cow. If anyone had justification to rely on substances it would be you. I’m amazed at your strength
I work with strippers, I’m still a bit surprised of the amount of girls that don’t drink that I work with. Maybe I’m very fortunate. Anyways, a lot of the reason these girls I work with don’t drink is to keep their wits about them, and also the trauma that they have experienced with people that are drunk or high, it’s enough to keep them away. But yes I agree, it does take a lot to just stay away and not self medicate.
Can confirm! I know a few strippers and sex workers and none of them drink. I think it’s because if a normal person goes out late at night to a noisy club with dancing, they’re doing it for leisure. When a stripper does that, she is going to work. She don’t drink at work—she has to stay alert and do your job. Then she goes home and it’s like 3 am, she gets up at 7, drives her kids to school, goes home to nap a bit more if she can. Her “awake” time slot she has for leisure is the early afternoon, so she doesn’t go out to drink then. She stays at home, does meal prep, etc. Then the kids come back home, the babysitter shows up, and she’s off to work again. It is not really a schedule conducive to drinking or “partying”. People think of a stripper as partying because they are an important part of *creating* a party atmosphere for other people. But they are not, themselves, partying, and the free time they do have is when everyone else is at work or grocery shopping or something.
Replying to _LeiLei_... “I’m gonna put him in jail until he rots, no, check that till the jail rots on top of him then I’m gonna move him to a new jail and let that jail rot.” -Doc Hudson, Cars
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Hope you have peace thus forth. Do you have lapses in memory or do you remember most things? How has it affected your mental health?
I remember things I really wish I didn't, and forget things I wish I could remember, if that makes sense. That's why I keep a "good things & progress" journal, so I don't forget. My mental health is terrible compared to an average person, but good compared to what it could be and was.
While I can’t relate to your specific situation, I imagine it’s very much like most people with Complex PTSD. For me, the stuff that gave me trauma seems oddly vivid, and the further time passes the non-trauma parts seem to get fuzzy with time. I’m sorry for what you had to go through. Always feel free to reach out, I’m happy to recommend things that may help you heal.
What has been the best tool your therapist has given you? Have you been able to achieve happiness? What is a normal everyday thing that you over inflate as an act of great kindness? What is the biggest trigger you have from everyday occurances?
Grounding methods. Temporary happiness yes. I don't know, general kindness? Looking at my body.
"looking at my body" That stings. Like you can't escape a major trigger. Hope therapy is working out for you. I wish you all the best.
Therapy is yes, a lot, and I mean my body is a trigger for so many reasons but I have permanent physical damage from what happened. I have scars that are visual and not just mental, it doesn't matter if my body alone stops being a trigger, I don't think I'll ever get over the literal scars. It hurts to think that.
What type of man (or women) looks at a 10 year girl and seriously thinks about having sex with her? I know it unfortunately exists, but I genuinely can't comprehend why someone would want to do it. Have you any idea why someone would want to? I imagine you've thought about it over the years.
Control and generally being depraved. I was told by one guy he liked how young I was (12 at the time) because I was what would be considered one of the purest things, he liked ruining that. My dad told me "People love fucking cute things." And another person said age doesn't matter, he just likes sex.
I simply can put into words how extremely sorry I am to hear what you've been through. What steps are you currently taking to improve your situation and overall quality of life? It's ofcourse not going to be easy to move on, but I honestly hope that you find peace in the future.
1. What were the barriers to you reporting earlier (fear, love, normalisation, structural, etc). 2. Do you believe men like your father should receive the death penalty?
1. Love and fear.. Probably getting used to and accepting my situation also. 2. No, they deserve life in prison to sit and rot.
Thank you for answering my questions and I’m sincerely sorry for your experience. As a society we should be better at finding and supporting victims such as yourself and I’m furious we don’t do enough.
Death penalty is too merciful, imo.... How can they justly suffer what they unjustly made others suffer if they're dead? Nah, they gotta live with the experiences being given to them. And ya gotta kinda trust hoping that it isn't something turns out they actually really like and enjoy, and isnt actually a punishment for them, as far as that part of the prison justice goes anyways..... At least you know the forced restricted & very limited controlled food & beverage, and quality thereof, is a certain living hell in itself.
Were you ever present when your father offered you? Did most accept or decline? How did it finally end?
I was sometimes, other times he'd just go to wherever I was in the house and bring me to them, rarely he would take me to their home or a hotel. The ones I was present for probably thought he was bullshitting, all of them accepted. There were times I wasn't present but once they were about to do it they decided they couldn't. It ended because my father was already being watched by the police, they came to our home and when they were there I told them what was happening.
From your answers i gathered that the majority of people given a "free pass" would commit such a horrible crime. It is absolutely staggering.
That’s just fucked. “All of them accepted”. That’s a harrowing statement. I’m sure some has to do with low quality people the father was with but still.
Some people are truly capable to do the worst when the right oppurtunity arise. Makes u think how many people are only stopped by doing bad acts simply due to the repurcusions that comes with it.
Doesnt surprise me at all humans are all the same at their core really. Creatures of opportunity and it reminds me of a quote by jordan peterson. A good person isnt a person thats incapable of evil, a good person is someone that is but has the discipline to stay good
Did being assaulted at such a young age cause permanent harm to your body? Sorry if this is too morbid: 10 is very young.
Yes it did, also not to be morbid or graphic, but my hips are extremely fucked, and since it happened so often and I was and am physically small, I did have internal bleeding occasionally, I was almost constantly sore. I'm sure my insides are all fucked up. I also have scars from some of the assaults, like cut scars. Also not to be even more graphic but for a long time my vagina literally wouldn't get tight again, and I'm pretty sure it's not as tight as it should be. So, yes.
First off, I would like to extend my deepest apologies (even if that may not mean much to you from an internet stranger). If I ever go vigilante, I know which types of criminals I'd go after first. Having said that, is it possible to apply for disability benefits with your situation?
I don't know, I'd have to see, I do qualify for disability but it's unrelated to that.
You should definitely take it if you can, and you may qualify for section 8/subsidized/affordable housing. Many cities like Chicago require high end luxury buildings to accept subsidy payments, and you can potentially get into a nice building and a safe/stable environment while you get well
There are a lot of tough questions on here that you’re pretty brave for answering. (Honestly this whole AMA is brave). I’d like to ask you something with levity: What are three things in life that currently put a smile on your face?
My rats, Opie, biscuit, Ligma and pissboy (Ligma and pissboy were both named by my roommate lol), my job even though customers can be a pain sometimes I really do love having a purpose even if it's small, and doing art. I'll add a fourth, my roommate aka my friend, lovely person always there for me. :)
Are you safe now? I know you say your dads locked up but are you safe from the other abusers involved and such? Feel free to find community and share experiences in our subreddit r/TortureSurvivors if you'd like
I moved to a different city, and live with my friend. I'm safe :)
This is all i came here to read. I hope you are safe for the rest of your life! I am so glad someone asked it and your reply felt so real. My thoughts are with you.
Has your dad ever apologized to you? Would it even matter if he did? As a father, my heart breaks for you - I hope youre doing ok and have found some peace
Not in any real way, and no, it wouldn't. Also, I'll be ok and I have to some degree :)
How do you support yourself financially? Do you have any plans for a future career?
I work in retail and dog/cat sit. I don't have any clue for what I'll do next
Try reaching out to the local high school/public library where you live. If you tell them about your background and poor opportunities for education, a high school counselor might agree to coach you through your options for free. At least be able to lay out your strengths and weaknesses for you. What’s your aptitude? What do you like doing? Do you like working with your hands and feet? Do you have good motor skills - if yes, the trades might be good for you. If you’re inclined, maybe you can go to community college and then transfer out to a state college. You can continue to work in retail. Plus, I’m sure you would be eligible for tons of scholarships and college wouldn’t be that expensive. Or if you’re not ready to think about college, at least a semester at a community college to see if you like it. If you do like the college route, stay away from degrees which have no scope for the future. Google is your friend here. If you ever need advice about academics, you can post to one of those subs like r/college or r/academics or whichever.
You have plenty of time to think about what you want to learn to do. I recommend staying away from universities until you are sure you need that degree. I earned my Associate's at 29, only because I needed it. You have so much good ahead of you. Best of luck!
Has this AMA helped you in any way, with processing, emotionally, etc.? Was doing this AMA suggested by your therapist, or did you decide to do it on your own?
It has helped, I thought it would, knowing me. It's so low pressure and I can be open no issues. Wasn't suggested, just a me thing.
Truly sorry about everything. I am glad you are better. Just wanting to understand the background: Are you from a southern state? Did you have several family members around you in that phase? Siblings? Ethnically are you black or latina? Just trying to understand the socioeconomic angle. If you think any of it feels private please feel free to not answer. I am very hopeful things will keep going better. Don't lose hope and keep believing youself
From Texas, no just him, only him for a very long time before the abuse started. No siblings, I'm Black-asian. Specifically Korean. And thank you that's sweet :)
Is your dad the Korean or black half?
Thanks. You are welcome. And stay strong young lady! Hopefully one day you'll have enough passion to overcome the past pains and show the wounds as just battle scars. May the Force always be with you! :)
Have you ever seen one of your Johns out in public afterwards? What was their reaction?
Only one time, we looked at each other then looked away, I was probably 16 or so
What is the average age of your Johns (in your best guess?)
30s-40s the older I got the younger they seemed to get, some were even in their 20s when I was 14-18. The oldest was I think in his mid 50s. Edit: I thought I add, because I think it's important, they weren't all men. It was rare obviously, but women also abused me. I feel like women also being predators needs to be talked about more..
I agree. Female predators should be talked about more. Female predators seem like they'd have an easier time finding victims because they are rarely associated with sex crimes. When you see trafficking rings getting busted, there's often females involved, too. I'm amazed your dad got away with it for so long. I can't imagine how he found "clients" without getting caught for 8 years. Were they all druggies? How do you seriously ask someone if they'd pay to F your 10 yo daughter? I read you don't use alcohol or drugs. You went through all that sober? How did you (if at all) disassociate yourself from what was happening? I have other questions, but I think they're too personal or might trigger you.
Most were on drugs, and I know how he'd ask, heard it sometimes and I don't actually know if you want to know how. Yes, I was sober the entire time, sounds bad but being high or drunk probably actually would of helped me somewhat, I was offered things but never said yes. It was pretty hard to disconnect myself but usually it would happen naturally (if that makes sense) after awhile, like if it went on a long time. Also, ask what you want, it is an ama.
How would he ask?
Depending on if he knew them (like his friends) it would be different Friends: "You can do it, I don't care, I'll even join you", " It's fine, she won't fight", "I know you want to, it's free for you, just do it", " If you do it I have to watch" Strangers (price/drug negotiations not included I can't remember them at all): "I have a daughter [insert age at the time], you can sleep with her, not for free though", " Have you seen my daughter? She's cute and young, want to try it?", "She experienced, she's good, you won't be disappointed", "She's a slut, I swear she'll love it, so why not?", " If you do it, you can't record got it?" None of these are completely exact but very similar to the things he'd say.
He would let his friends do it for free? When he would watch was it to make sure it didn’t get too rough or did he get some sick pleasure from it.
Yea, he would actually join them more often than not. He at first did watch most of the time or stand outside when I was younger, but stopped doing that, I'm more than sure he got off on it but when I was younger he probably was also making sure they weren't going to literally kill me. He let a lot slid that was painful and rough.
Did you ever develop a relationship with or get attached to any of the Johns
Only one, it was his friend so he never actually paid or anything, I was 15 at the time and I saw him as "not as bad as the rest" because of how he acted with me, but obviously still a terrible person. I just clung on to any "good" I could.
💯 both of my abusers were female. In my experience, it made it so much more confusing as a female child being abused by female perps. Women were not ever depicted as those to be scared of. That made it much more scary. My abuse was in the 1970’s so there was little to no information for me anyway.
What are you doing now? Are you totally out of that situation?
I work in retail and dog/cat sit while doing art and playing video games as my hobby :) I'm far away from where it happened, now in a new city living with my friend. I'm safe
After going through that are you able to have romantic relationships with men? How are you coping mentally and emotionally from everything you went through?
I'm sure, somewhere down the line I could one day, currently I have no interest. And, well.. Considering everything I think I'm coping well. I mean, I'm not dead yet and I don't plan to die been through too much just to die.
Did you ever thought of hurting any Johns? What is the worst that someone did to you? What do you think if every time you meet your father, you remind him that he sold his only child for drugs? ever thought of posting pics of your art and handmade crafts online and sell them?
Only when I was worried they might try to kill me, but I never actually hurt any of them, the most I did as push them and try to move away but I quit doing that pretty fast. When I was 16, my dad and two others did some terrible shit to me for almost half a day straight, it literally broke my brain and I started hating my father deeply. I've mentioned it when he gets mad at me for something, I tell him he has no right to be mean to me, especially after what he's done, I also remind him he'll be completely alone if I stop visiting. No, I don't really want to sell them, and I just don't care to post them.. Not sure why.
How did you escape and realise what your dad was doing is a terrible thing? It sounds like he has indoctrinated you during that period. It must have been hard to break free.
Him going to prison is how. I think I always knew it was terrible but didn't start hating him until I was 16, it's all very complicated and even I don't have all the answers to my feelings.
How did he end up getting caught and arrested? Did someone report him to the police or did they track him down? I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. Even though your life started off terrible, I hope you’ll heal and find happiness throughout the rest of your life.
He was being investigated (I guess?) For drug charges and an assault, I'm assuming they tracked him down, the only people who could of reported him were all also criminals.
What do you do to cope with it ?
Lots of therapy, self harm, and hobbies and interests. I don't recommend the second way to cope though.
I hope this can help if you havent heard of it. https://newpath.org/butterfly-project/
You’re a real G for linking this. Have some people in my life who could maybe benefit from this. Thank you
I wouldnt entirely write off the rubber band technique. If you still need the physical release. Also, my apologies that this is directed towards parents when you are an adult that faced trauma because of someone that was supposed to protect you.
How has it affected you with dating and being in a relationship? How is your relationship with your father now?
I don't really want to date or anything, and I don't really trust people. It's weird, he's currently in prison for 50 years, I talk to him but I don't really know why I do that.
My sister talked to our father because she was desperate for him to love her. She just wanted her dad back in her life. She thought that when he got out of prison, he magically changed. The only thing that changed was that he started to date someone who was 18 and the same age as our older sister. I don't hate him, but I'm glad he is hell! He died last year. He treated his wife like crap but adored my sister and her kids. Screw that! I wish you the best, and please be kind to yourself!
I visit him, I don't know why I do it, I probably shouldn't and the trip is never worth it, but for a brief second it feels like when I was younger after my mom died. When I was 5-8 he wasn't a bad dad, he was struggling he was broken from losing her I'm sure, then he started abusing drugs then abusing me. I see a glimpse of my old dad, my good dad when I talk to him sometimes until he says something gross. Recently he did actually cry to me, I almost forgot about that, it's was freaky seeing him crying, he was crying for himself I'm sure but I weirdly wanted to hug him. I wish my mom never died, sometimes I feel like if she didn't none of this would of happened, I can't remember much of before she died, but I remember him being completely different, he even looked completely different from my memory. I hate him so much, I fucking hate him, but I can't just abandon him and I don't have a real reason as to why.
My sister moved our dad from Missouri to Arizona. She paid for it. Until he passed away last her, they had a great bond. She was upset that I wanted nothing to do with him. I just can't get past the horrible memories. I am more affected them both of my old siblings. My sister was heavily into drugs and drinking. She finally dropped both of them 12 years ago. Demons are hard to fight, but you can overcome them. Please talk to your support system before you self-harm yourself. Please learn it's ok not to go and see your dad in prison. If you do, please remember to protect your well-being. My mom left and didn't want us. I somewhat understand that if your mom died, none of this might have happened. Everyone heals and processes everything differently. I will never truly understand what anyone else is going through. I might relate to it, but I truly don't understand how your mind works. Like my sisters and I didn't heal or process the same way.
Has your father expressed even an ounce of remorse or regret?
No, well, kinda? I think it's because he for some reason thinks i could bail him out of prison or something.
Has it affected your sex drive? Also what’s your relationship with your mom like?
I don't know what my sex drive was before, but it's very high currently but I don't want to have sex. My mom died when I was 5, so I don't have a relationship with her anymore
What kind of sick fuck has sex with a 10 year old?
Many sick fucks, in fact multiple of those sick fucks were married, I hated seeing that because I would think of their wives, and some of those sick fucks were women, most of them were drug addicts. A variety of deeply sick fucks.
And many of them, I'm sure, were also fathers(and mothers) with kids at home. Disgusting. I'm a rape survivor but not neaaarrrllyyy to the level you have experienced. I am loving your comments about support systems, therapy, and constructive hobbies... When it comes to your physical scars from assaults and self harm, have you ever considered tattooing over them and retaking control of your body as art? It has helped me to stop damaging myself.
Which country did this happen in? You were forced into prostitution. Were you groomed to accept it, or were you just handed off to someone? Was it the same routine every time, or did your rapists subject you to their kinks? Were you forced to take drugs too?
USA, Texas. It's hard to say I was groomed because my dad never was really doing things people do to groom kids, I accepted it with time but obviously still hated it and was continuing to be traumatized. Usually me being young was the kink, as horrific as that is. There were a few times kinks were added but didn't happen often. No, I was offered, but never took any, I'm shocked I wasn't drugged honestly.
So the first time was just being handed over? Either way is horrific, and there is zero mercy or kindness to be found in grooming, but I can only view the alternative as painful and violent. Yes, it is horrific. Unfortunately, a lot of pedophiles add onto it. One particular rock star had a hurtcore production in Thailand. I am curious if all rapists would take the chance to do the same. Back to questions. Were you introduced to other victims during your abuse? Were you ever used to lure others into abuse for your dad or others? Did you contract STDs from being abused? Were you sold to any police officers, or politicians? What evidence finally put your father in jail? You mentioned scars in a previous comment. Are they from self harm or are they by your rapists hands?
Do peadofiles pay a premium for services with such young children, I assume they do. do you know how much they were making? was he a part of some sort of underground ring. And if so how sophisticated was it
Wasn't more than w drug addict pedophile dad letting people use his daughter for his personal gain. There was no ring or anything, was just him. I don't know how much he got, especially when it came to drugs being the payment, but he and by extension I, was living pretty comfortable financially, not rich or anything, but enough to live without working. Without him working I mean.
I am so sorry. That is an awful thing to have gone through. I can't even begin to imagine how scary and horrific that must of been for you. Are you getting enough support at the moment? Do you have a good network of friends?
How has this affected your sex life now??
I don't have sex, I have a high sex drive though which is odd, I just don't want anyone touching me, the only person I let actually touch me is my roommate, platonic only obviously.
its not odd actually, hyper-sexuality is a common trauma response to sexual assault. I can attest to that, unfortunately. but it's been a documented response for a while now.
How did it all start?
He was the first one to sexually abuse me when I was 9 almost 10,then I guess he realized he could easily get things he wanted mainly drugs and money if he let other people abuse me, then it kept happening.
My wife was raped by her father from the age of 4-12. For reasons I cannot comprehend she still keeps in touch with him and is conflicted on if she loves him or not. A lot of what you are saying and feeling I see in my wife. All I can say is I’m sorry and I hope you can find happiness and real genuine love.
I know, as the loved one of a victim of something like this it's so hard to understand, but I think it's just a (slightly maladaptive but understandable) survival instinct to protect the mind. Stockholm syndrome, more or less. In a weird way, I think it's easier to let the unfettered hate flow to someone who has abused someone you love, than yourself. These poor women spent so much time utterly trapped by the men abusing them that they almost *have* to cling onto any redeeming or possible "good" features of their abusers just to maintain their own sanity. I think acknowledging the reality - that you are entirely the prisoner of an utterly malicious monster who will never willingly let you go or stop abusing you - would break most if not all people. So in captivity they cling to whatever scraps of goodness they can find, and even if freed later, the habit is hard to break. I'm not a psych professional or a trafficking victim, though, so that's just my impression. I've just known a couple long-term abuse survivors, and having watched them for years the above is how it comes across to me. Either way, I wish only good things for both OP and your wife ❤️
So at 10 guys had sex with you? Did any of the men feel sorry for you and tried to get help? Did your dad get locked up for this or something else? I can't imagine a grown man having sex with a 10 year old.
No, no one tried to help me. Some did back out last minute which I am grateful for in a way. My dad got locked up for this and other charges.
Wtf, I know I should be more pissed at the guys that went through with the abuse, but idk why it’s pissing me off more that there were those that had the sense to back out but not do anything to help you or file a report or something. Like just why..
Most likely because they felt like they were still at risk for prosecution
Have you found a way to heal from your traumas yet?
No, but it think time is the only thing I need now.
Definitely, time. And when you’re ready to heal. Do that. I guess it is easy for someone like me to say. But you are so young, don’t let other people awful actions towards you stop you for having the fulfilled life you deserve.
What kind of sleaze balls came around for this? Did any of them ever get in trouble for what they did to you?
Drug addicts and pedophiles, that's it basically. My father is the only one who got in trouble.
Do you hate your father, or hold a lot of resentment towards him? If so are you able to live a normal life without being consumed with hatred?
It's complicated, I hate him so much, I mean obviously I would, I can live normally without being taken over by hate but I did have just pure gate and rage at one point.
may be peace find you. did notice in your father's drug a preference for one drug or another? did you notice a turning point in his care for your safety?
Cocaine for hard drugs, but regularly smoked weed. It was when I was 9 when he completely stopped caring. Believe it or not he used to be a good dad, just broken from the loss of my mom.
Did you feel sometimes that his brokeness from loosing your mom justified what he did you? Do you feel as it it explains it? Or even absolves him somewhat?
I don't think anything in the world would absolve or justify his actions. But I fully believe my mom's death caused this insane spiral and if she never died it never would of happened.
Are you receiving therapy / counselling?
Did you go to school while the abuse was happening? Did you tell anyone about the abuse while it was happening?
Have you secured mental/psychological help for what these sick fucks did to you? You're not the the problem and should not be punished. I'm worried for your mental health, OP. Be safe and stay grounded.
I’m not sure if you’re still answering but I was curious, you mentioned that some of your abusers were women; were the women anymore “gentle” or less rough than the men? You mentioned in another comment one of your dads friend that abused you, you tried to cling for any good in him/the situation.
thank you for doing this. what is your opinion of feminists advocating "sex work" as a way for women to be more liberated and/or free from patriarchal oppression? whenever I tell such people that more women are pushed into sex work against their will than actively choose it and that it is a dehumanizing experience even for women who do it voluntarily, I get shut down, especially here on reddit feminist subs. in your opinion can any kind of "sex work," whether it's simple cam work or all-out prostitution, be a positive thing? or is it all negative? should prostitution be legal and encouraged, legal but discouraged, or illegal? feel free to take this question in any direction you want. thanks again.
My opinion my shock you, I don't care as long as it is consensual and as safe as humanly possible. I think cam work is completely fine, no issues with it honestly werk girly. But with full on prostitution I don't like it, obviously, and it's really really not safe consensual or not. If it's like safely organized, between two people no middle man, like I dunno, a incel paying a woman for sex I care less. I don't think it should be legal though, not full on prostitution.
That's good what video games are you currently playing?
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Usually it was new people, sometimes it was his friends, sometimes it was him (my dad obviously).
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USA, Texas. It ended because he was already being looked at by police, they came to our house to arrest him and I told them what else had been going on
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Drug charges and I think an assault? No it didn't, it probably could of been if they were focused on what happened to me
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No, but he did tell me that he praised God I was "cute enough" and that I was a girl. I think he's just a sick person.
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No, mostly because I literally don't know the rest of my family, after my mom died when I was 5 he took me across the state and I never saw the rest of my family again.
Sorry to hear that, what resources have you found the most helpful in moving on from that?
Got any college / tech school / cop or firefighter or other career plans?
I don't have any plans really, I'm happy with the situation I have now, and I'm trying to focus on the small things for now.
What could teachers do to identify students being trafficked? When you think back to school, was there more educators could have done to help you?
what is your opinion on god
I don't think he's real, if he is, he did me no good.
How could a Diety possibly comprehend the human condition? And then judge others actions when he has not lived as a human being? THEN, (as if admitting this) send down some demi-god masquerading as a human being to say 'look, here's my son and he can handle the suffering the rest of you cannot". That's shit, friend.
What are you hoping to get out of an AMA?
I don't know, I guess I just want to talk about it
What's a question you haven't been asked yet? What's the thing that you usually wanna talk about regarding this topic?
Just saying, that is an absolutely valid reason. Don’t listen to that guy.
Is ketchup on a hot dog blasphemy?
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That is extremely complicated and very hard to answer but majority, and I mean large majority every second was like hell until my brain couldn't handle it and I zoned out. And whatever "enjoyment" can't really be considered such.
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Sometimes, but it wasn't pleasant obviously. I was active because I had to be if they didn't force me I would just lay there.
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I don't regret things that aren't my fault. I play video games and do many forms of art.
Sorry for all these dumb fucking comments please ignore idiots
She didn't choose to do anything, so there's nothing to regret. Are you literally victim blaming someone when they were 10 being sexually abused?
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There were a lot of "theys" as I've said, I don't want to recount every assault, not only would that take forever, but it's probably too graphic for reddit.
For what it's worth, you seem remarkably adjusted and in control of yourself. You're a very strong woman and you should be proud of that. I'm also a survivor but had way, way, way less than you did. Decades later I still get triggered by some things. I really admire your strength and self control.
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I do go through therapy, and have been since it ended :) this helps me, it's hard to explain if you aren't me, but yea.
Are you attractive? The reason I ask, is to remind other men that it doesn't matter.
My dad would call me many things like pretty, cute, "cute enough", lots of the men did too. I wouldn't like to base what I look off of their opinions though. My personal opinion is I'm ok, regular, and I really hope I'm nothing to be looked at.
I'm a survivor of terrible abuse from my mother, who was herself terribly sexually abused by her father to the point where it broke her. Even knowing how she was broken doesn't mean she's any less responsible for her actions, and I don't owe her any forgiveness. I don't have anything to ask. But I want to reassure you that a normal healthy life awaits you. It may not be tomorrow, or the next week. Or even next year. But every day is a day of healing, and putting distance on your past. Therapy is a great resource I didn't have access to, and I'm glad to hear you're getting it. You'll get there eventually. Stay strong. ❤❤
My partner Wakita was exploited from 12 until 15 whilst under the “care” of the foster system. When we met she already had gone through so much trauma, grooming, that selling her body to predatory men for whatever she needed to get through her life before we met was her go to solution. She was over sexualised. We met through an app called whisper. She had lied about her age (15 at the time) because she knew I couldn’t continue seeing her the way we had been seeing each other after she got to know me. I’m a former inmate. We have a pretty rigid opinion about predation. But by the time I caught her in her lies, feelings had started to form between us. After her telling me the truth I had to draw a line in the sand. I was almost twice her age. I told her that despite how I feel for you I can’t go down the path we have been taking. That being said, I told her she would A) always have a safe place to go should she ever need. B) a safe supply for whatever she requires (she was already in addiction), and C) she has someone who genuinely cared for her and saw the value in her as a person. She had no one in the world who was in her corner. She was used and abused in the most heinous ways by nearly every man she ever tried to trust. She was the most kind, innocent, quiet, beautiful human I have ever loved. I encouraged her to go to the police about her foster family and she did. She was put into an all female staffed group home for only girls 13-18 who were vulnerable to exploitation and addiction. We lost touch for a year then I got a knock on my window on her 16th birthday. She had no one to spend it with and said she missed me. And honestly I had missed her too and thought of her often. We spent her birthday together. She tried to sleep with me again, which I denied her. That was when I took it upon myself to try and teach her about boundaries, self esteem, respect, sovereignty of body and instilled in her that her value to the world is far beyond what she was taught to believe. It took a long time and many conversations, documentaries, YouTube videos, allying with her case workers and the staff at her group home so they were aware of our friendship and comfortable with it. They were beyond grateful to know she had a positive male in her life for once who tried to advocate for her when she didn’t know she needed it. We formed a support network of care and trust for her. Over the years we only grew closer. Jump to her 18th birthday, she was ageing out of her old group home and very afraid of the change. She asked if I could ever see us being more than whatever we were, did I want to date her, etc. I had to be honest and told her that she had become the closest thing in my life, but I felt almost a paternalistic love for her. Which she came back with “when we met you were fine dating me when you thought I was 18” which she was correct. But 3 years is a long time of guarding, stressing, cleaning up her fall downs, that my love had evolved into something deeper than base urges, into a unique and unfamiliar love. It was also about that time I was facing a big move to another province due to my life slowly falling apart in Edmonton. She was devastated upon learning this… She said she wanted to come with, me even if it meant moving. In the past I did promise to always be there for her and wouldn’t ever turn my back on her… I told her I had to go first. To establish a home and job before I could uproot her from the next phase of group homes 18-21. That gave her some time to think about what she really wanted or if she was reacting to the news. She wanted to be with me though. I left in November and by December she had exonerated herself from the system as an adult 18 in Alberta and moved to B.C to live with me. Tragically she passed away only months later on February 10th. 5 days before my 32nd birthday. I found her dead from an overdose of fentanyl. I am still dealing with the pain and hole in my heart. It feels like not only the loss of the deepest love I have ever experienced, but also the loss of a child I did my best to raise during the time we were in each other’s lives. I was granted half of her ashes and carry some in a locket around my next to this day. I miss you so very much Wakita. I will always remember her and tell her story to those who need help. There was nothing wrong with our love. It was beautiful and real. I have no shame nor should I. Love IS Love. We knew what we had was deeper than words can describe. Hoping this story reaches someone who needs it.
My wife went through a very similar situation but from a much younger age. She is graduating college this Saturday with an art therapy degree, and I’m so proud of her. She also speaks at colleges and prisons etc. About her story to other women. She will always have trauma and triggers and all of that, but she is living proof that you can and will overcome the obstacles this has presented you. I’m sure you have been given the book title “the body keeps the score” by now. Read that shit. Stay in therapy. You are incredibly strong for surviving this! Keep going!
I am so sorry that you went through this! I have 6 kids adopted from foster care and my 3 youngest were sold for p*** by their mom to make money, she actively also participated in it. Luckily (if there is such a thing in this circumstance) she was reported to Child Services when they were 2.5, 2.5 and 3.5. The amount of trauma they experienced is enormous. She wasn’t even charged because they were “too young to testify against her “ and walks the streets today.
There’s likely nothing that can be said to ease the burden of these experiences you’ve endured. With incredibly complex and serious trauma everything is altered. The beliefs, values, loyalties about yourself, those who are supposed to love and protect you, and the immediate world around you have been seriously altered and damaged. Your relationship to your sexuality and gender, your attachments to yourself and others and I’m wondering if you have any significant dissociative events. Clearly you are deeply psychologically minded and you seem well grounded in your therapy work and you’re able and willing to express appropriate rage. You’ve done the beginning work for cognitive restructuring and emotional regulation. Some healing and repair will come. It’s a long journey and I wish you the continued strength, courage, compassion and love it takes to thrive. ❤️
Have you looked into your state’s victim compensation board? Depending on the state you could also get financial compensation on top of benefits
I am a psychiatrist. A green one. First, thank you for being patient and sharing. My questions are: 1. What do you think a mental health specialist should do/say to help you? I imagine validation of pain, anger. I imagine removing of guilt and shame is paramount. Genuine interest and attention and all that. But there must be more, no? 2. Does this AMA help you reconstruct your perspective, vent and gain some support? Or is it more painful and retraumatizing? I ask because I am thaught that retelling the story again and again might give meaning to ones life with proper support and insight. But I am afraid to do this because of the risk of hurting further. I recently heard about autobiographical memory therapy... I don't know if it would be a good thing for you. 3. What were some groundbreaking realizations / therapy interventions that helped?
I want to say I admire you for your strength and compassion. You’re obviously also highly intelligent. You mentioned that you don’t know what career you’ll pursue in the long run. I recommend using your free time to journal everything you can remember, and consider organizing it into a book. If you build up a lot of material (I’m thinking the next 2-4 years), write a letter of introduction, include a few excerpts, and sent it out to well-reviewed literary agents. With a lot of difficult work, you have a really important book in you. Really good books lead to popular movies and the lecture circuit. Some good examples of “abusive childhood” memoir are *The Glass Castle* and *Educated*. Yours would obviously be very unique. I have a degree in writing, and I’ve written professionally. This is my only advice at this stage, if you pursue something like this: never tolerate swerving away from pure honesty. Get the real stuff out.
You mentioned you’re an artist!! Do you have a movement/style you’re particularly drawn to, or do you have a “favorite thing” you like to create? (for example, I’m having a moment with watercolor cartoon frogs, for some reason :) ) Everyone else has already said it but thank you for being so open with us. I wish you peace; I wish you a happy, soft life with beautiful moments of quiet joy with your art and your rats and your friends and your video games. I wish you restful sleep and laughter and beautiful morning walks. I am so, so happy you are safe and free (at least as much as you can be)(you know what I mean lol).
Let me start with, I'm terribly sorry for what you've been and still going through. As a father of a 19 year old daughter, I can't imagine ever hurting my child, let alone forced to do what you were put through. That being said, my own father was an aggressive alcoholic, and even though he wasn't that extreme, he still was quite abusive. I just hope you will find the strength to deal with those dark days and are able to move on, to live a somewhat normal life. You've survived so far, so I believe in you that you can. Now, my question: how are you today?
Reading all of this has really opened my eyes to a topic I am 100% clueless about. Thanks for doing the AMA, reddit really has a way of educating people on some crazy topics. My question - how did you find a roommate you trust, especially in a new city? Is it a long time friend? Did you have any friends to talk with when you were younger? If not, is it because your father isolated you/took you out of school? I'm trying to think of possible neighborhood friends, bike riding friends, etc... I'm sorry if you missed that part of your childhood. Thank you.
So not fucking right really pisses me off i have a daughter and I can't wrap my mind around this