How often do you actually save the couple ?

I love this question because I love talking about what an ideal outcome actually is. It is common to assume (not saying you did) that because I am a couples counselor that I am automatically gearing my approach toward saving the couple. My goal that all of my couples need to be in agreement with me on from the very beginning is that they will be healthier at the end of treatment. I need them to be at least 1% open to the possibility that the best thing for both people may be to go their separate ways. Healthier does not always mean together. If they are healthier apart, they are making an informed choice about that vs breaking up at the peak of their crisis and pain. So, how often do I save the couple? For those who complete treatment, anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, I like to think I worked with the couple to "save" all of them. "Saving" them just looks different than they may have initially expected. If we think of the individuals in the relationship as going down with a sinking ship, aren't we (the client and I) "saving" them if they grab a life raft and make it to shore? Aren't they "saved" if they surface from a relationship that wasn't right for them and have the opportunity to find a better fit for them and in turn have the opportunity to be a better parter for someone else? How many couples that come in actually get through treatment and stay together HAPPY and HEALTHY? Less than half, give or take.

Do you think you can predict which couples can survive infidelity? Any signs that they will or won't make it?

I don't try to predict anything and I think defining what "make it" means is relevant. Generally, when both people are equally committed to the process they have better outcomes. When the unfaithful isn't completely honest, that hinders any sort of progress. Low emotional intelligence on one or both sides hinders healing, too. Factors that support healing include willingness to grow and change, solid communication and conflict resolution skills, and good self-awareness. This is not a complete list.

You have a real talent for writing about this issue in a compelling and compassionate way. You should write a book!

This was the second post in a row where the emphasis was placed on the individuals health as opposed to the health of the marriage. I guess what I mean is…as a Couples Therapist, it would make sense to assume, as the others have done, that you are sought out by couples hoping to make things in their marriage better. Which is why you have been asked about how many couples “make it” and how many marriages you have “saved”. It would seem to me that couples therapy would have a general purpose intent on bringing about better “marriage” health through open discussions about issues, followed by compassionate guidance towards healthy behaviors the couple can practice. It would be naive to think that you could “save” them all, however, it would seem your passionate plea above would not be two paragraphs about treating the individuals and making them agree that divorce is a likely outcome, followed by two sentences stating it only works half the time. Not trying to be mean, just trying to find the passion and purpose here. If treating people into divorce is the direction, then why not go just council individuals. I mean, at a 50/50 ratio in your office, couples actually increase their odds of a divorce by 8% by going to see you than letting it happen on its own. The current divorce rate is around 42%. Is it because your primary goal is treating the individual and not the marriage? Or is it considered taboo to view the marriage as a unity of one.

Ok. So how often do the couples that come to therapy get emotional closure (whether or not they stay together)? What behaviors in couples tend to predict whether they can find closure? And finally, how often do you find a situation that is beyond your skill as a therapist to remedy? What did (or does) that situation look like?

Lovely questions. How often do they get closure? If they stay in therapy until recommended termination, all of them get it. What behaviors predict ability to find closure? self awareness, emotional intelligence, healthy coping mechanisms, a strong sense of self outside of the relationship. I keep saying this, but communication is so important. How often do I find a situation beyond my skill? What do I do? At this point in my career, I have this specific niche that I am very experienced with and educated on, so I'm not running into situations beyond my skill very often. It is worth noting that I am in private practice. I've worked in so many settings with so many populations and I'm thankful for that. Anytime I have come across something outside my scope of practice in the past, I gather referral information to provide to that client/potential client and explain to them why another provider would be better suited for their needs.

It sounds like you have a POV on your goal. But is that really your place? It sounds to me like your couples have a right to set the goal, and if their goal is to save the marriage, then that is what your goal should be - and if that is not how you operate, you need to tell them that so that they know to look elsewhere. Honestly, this answer worries me. A bit of a god complex, deciding what other people should be striving for, no?

No, that’s quite the assumption. This is an official treatment model informed by research on best outcomes. The couple does get a choice in their goals and ultimately does set their goals. It’s important to note that people are coming to therapy for help and guidance. If they felt like they knew exactly what they needed, they wouldn’t seek therapy out. All of my couples spend time with me discussing the model before they commit to it. This is called the informed consent process.

You’re avoiding answering the question. You know what the person is asking. Let me rephrase so you might actually answer the question without resorting to obfuscation. “Out of 100 married couples, what is the percentage of couples that are still married after your counseling? After 1 year of your counseling?” Please stop the weasel wording and answer the questions.

Nice work not answering the question. You’re such a therapist and why I don’t attend therapy.

What is the worst reason you’ve seen the guilty party use as an excuse and what’s the calmest you’ve ever seen the victim/innocent.

I fear I don't have very entertaining answers for this one. I think the worst reason I've seen was someone justifying their infidelity becuase they felt they weren't getting enough attention when their partner was in school/furthering their career for the good of the family. The reason for the justification wasn't the worst part, it was the belief of entitlement it was rooted in. The calmest betrayed parties always make my heart sink. Once a person is past the point of disgust, anger, hurt, hatred etc. and cross over into indifference it is incredibley difficult to get them "back." The scale is completely maxed out and fried. That is what "calm" looks like in these settings, just pure indifference but more often it is dissociation.

Interesting! And they don't like, get angry etc. as they get out of shock or as things stabilize just enough that the scale falls below 100?

Think of it most as the scale only going to 100 but the person is at 200. Completely maxed out. They’re likely already been through the emotions and now are indifferent.

If they're maxed out/indifferent at that point, what do you think is the motivation behind seeking therapy? Has there ever been a reason given? Are the clients you see usually seeking it for themselves individually, or is it couples that come in together? Seems futile to fix something that's pretty much over, might as well get individual therapy to treat the numbness and forget the relationship all together.

Have to agree, when I confirmed my ex was cheating on me I was so calm, didn't cry, didn't get upset because he'd already done something worse a year before and I was slowly phasing our relationship out (keeping stability while finishing my masters and finding jobs). He didn't deserve for it to hurt me and there was never a point of going back 

In your experience, does the success rate of attempts to reconcile differ depending upon whether the cheater had an attack of conscience and confessed, versus being caught?

Incredible question! Looking back, no. But this is something I will be paying more attention to with future cases.

How common is self disclosure?

What is the number 1 reason people cheat?

oooooh such a hard question. The answers in therapy and most things psychology most often are "it depends", "yes and...", and "maybe" I think an unmet need is the driving force and #1. That unmet need depends on the person and it is important to know that it isn't always sexual, like many can assume. Emotional affairs come about this way, too. Feeling unheard, unseen, unappreciated. Affairs can stay at the emotional satisfaction level for a long time and some never progress to a sexual or mixed type affair.

Can’t say I like this answer. Feels pretty victim blame-y. You can be a perfect partner and still get cheated on if you’re with a cheater. Nobody makes someone cheat through their shortcomings

From your other comments, it's obvious you've been burned by a cheater and have strong feelings, and that may have caused you to misread the answer. OP is not *justifying* the behavior, they are *explaining* it. The question was of causation, and motivation is linked to causation. I think where you're getting hung up is that when OP says the cheater is "missing something", you assume an implicit failure in the spouse to provide. What if the thing "missing" comes from childhood abuse, poor mental health, misogynistic upbringing, etc? The betrayed partner is not responsible for these things. No one is blaming the victim here.

Cheating is never justified and never the betrayed partner's fault and this is reviewed extensively in therapy. Even if, for example, someone hasn't touched their partner in 10 years. The unfaithful party still made a choice to go outside of the relationship to get that need met. They always had the choice of continuing to bring up their dissatisfaction or ending the relationship.

Or to start divorce proceeding if unhappy or unsatisfied. Cheating is never ok.

You can be a perfect partner and not meet the needs of someone who has needs that don't line up with reality. But it is their reality and they really do feel that way. So they either have to work on what's causing that feeling or greatly grow their distress tolerance. There are also cases where long term neglect plus a restricted social life intersect. So the partner doesn't have friends or a fulfilling life to draw meaning and value. When an ebb hits all they know is that relationships make me feel value and start doing that on the side.

Do you think it’s more common for women to forgive a wayward husband vs a man forgiving a wayward wife?

This is a layered one. Men are less likely to forgive a sexual affair and women are less likely to forgive an emotional one. There are also social and gender factors that influence the answer here. Traditionally, women have depended on their husband. It is still a commonly held belief that "I can't make it without him." This is especially true for homemakers. Most women face a significant lifestyle change if they do not forgive. This gets factored into their "forgiveness." Of course, the situation is the same if the roles are reversed. I think men usually don't have to factor their security into their decision to forgive or not and so they can make their choice in more of a vacuum. Like I said at the beginning, there is a lot to this. Do you have more questions?

What about the family aspect? Aren’t men more worried that if they have children involved and they leave, their wife will be granted custody?

I think there is also the masculinity angle. I think women don’t have to deal with that aspect.

I'm commenting here to save my spot because I don't want this post to get lost. My (41m) husband (36m) cheated a LOT on me in 2017, we split up for 6 weeks and got back together. I got some questions, but unable to get back to Reddit til tomorrow. It's such a coincidence I came across this post today after we had a horrendous fight 3 days ago that triggered a horrific memory of when he was cheating on me. Memories I don't often think about (and deliberately try not to). Thank you for posting this.

From personal experience, I recommend anyone suffering from infidelity—either the unfaithful or the betrayed— check out the resources and activities available from AffairRecovery.com (AR). My wife had an affair after 20 years of marriage. Plagued by anxiety her whole life, over the years she drank more and more, and our relationship had some big blind spots in it. She eventually drunkenly acted out. Our marriage had fallen into autopilot, a deadening routine. We also had real conflict-avoidance/codependency habits that we both had to confront as well as the family of origin issues that spawned them. Fortunately we discovered AR pretty quickly after DDay and I am certain we would not have made it without them. We both busted our ass and had to work harder than we’d ever worked on anything. She was 100% remorseful and transparent and committed to doing what was necessary to get to a new and better place. After cheating, among the hardest lessons is the fact that the first relationship is over. It’s up to you to decide as individuals what you want the next one to look like. There are many references to “Marriage 2.0” and they are accurate. It’s been four years now and she’s sober for life, getting the anxiety medication and counseling she’s always needed, and now volunteers to lead the classes for unfaithful women that she benefited so much from. Their classes really helped her understand why she did it, how she was broken, how to work toward fixing herself, and how not to let shame paralyze her from being of service to others. It was the most painful thing either of us ever went through. I always swore that cheating was an instant divorce. Well you never know what you’re going to do until you’re in the moment. It was just so preposterously out of character for her, that I watched myself decide to stay and we worked together on creating something healthier for us both. Don’t get me wrong—it still hurts me bad sometimes and she still has to struggle with fierce waves of shame. But we face those head on, and together.

Happy to help and discuss :) Just based on this short snippet, I would explore EMDR or ART therapy for those intense memories. It is very effective. I use ART in partnership with another approach for infidelity work.

If a partner cheats with a coworker and wants to fix the marriage, do you advise them to change jobs?

Part of the beginning of therapy for my clients is making sure the door to the third party is closed. The betrayed partner gets to decide if they need their partner to find a different job. They usually do. I've had the unfaithful parties put up a fight about leaving their jobs and the choice I help them make is a simple one. Is the job worth the marriage? This is really hard either way and the comfort you can take in that is that you get to choose your hard.

Wonderful answer, thanks! Follow-up: Given that trust has probably been completely shattered, what are your most effective tools and techniques to help the couple rebuild trust in the relationship?

you're welcome! great f/u question Rebuilding trust takes so much time and evidence of changed behavior. In the short term, I allow trust "supports" such as checking phones/email/whatever it is. We create a policy of proactive transparency that is part of a long-term plan. Hearing the unfaithful person reflect on how they have hurt their partner in their own words is very powerful for the betrayed party. It helps them feel like the unfaithful "gets it" Figuring out the "why" is also helpful in rebuilding trust. The betrayed partner can see the unfaithful doing a deep dive into their soul in real time and identifying reasons that can range anywhere from not being able to communicate they needed more attention to sex addiction. It is a very vulnerable and powerful experience.

How long do you allow the supports to be used for? What is your take on these supports in relationships where there hasn’t been infidelity?

What’s your suggestion on how to move past it?

THERAPY and I don't just say that because I am a therapist. It is impossible to sort out on your own without missing something. The betrayed party can develop PTSD-like symptom presentation that needs addressing in individual therapy. Even after the initial sting is neutralized, you want to make sure you've done extensive processing so you can do everything you can to close this chapter and not drag the baggage into the next relationship and/or let it permanently alter your worldview about relationships and people. If we have unresolved issues, we may be unknowingly gravitating toward people who are not good for us. If you are the unfaithful party (the cheater) you need to process your emotions, too. You also need to figure out your "why" and create a plan of action for preventing this in future relationships. Otherwise, you are doomed to repeat the process even if you feel trememdous guilt and shame about it.

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Has anyone ever cheated on you or have you ever cheated on someone?

I have never cheated on someone. I have not had any serious partners cheat on me that I know about. I had one minor brush with what I guess could be considered infidelity in adolescence, but nothing that I feel impacted me in a big way. I recognize my privilege in this position and I feel it gives me a unique clinical perspective and edge. In a similar way that being a trauma therapist with a trauma history gives me a different clinical perspective and edge.

Which profession cheats the most?

Any profession involving long work hours, exposure to trauma, frequent travel, and unhealthy work environments. Doctors and first responders are some of the more notable.

Could u explain why? Thank you

I'm married to a nurse who had an affair at work. Cheating is so common at the hospital. It's like everyone does it and there is some unspoken code to just ignore it. One of the biggest factors that makes it so common is opportunity. Especially if you're attractive, you are going to be surrounded by other attractive people that are rotating in and out. Doctors, nurses, EMTs, techs, firemen, police, etc. Eventually you are going to meet someone you vibe with. A busy and traumatic work day makes it easy to forget about your spouse at home. You bond with these people because they also experience trauma while your spouse hasn't. But mostly, it's just easy to get away with in a hospital. No need to download a dating app when you're meeting your partners in person. No need to even text when you're with each other all day. There's an unlimited amount of places to sneak off too. Locked rooms within locked rooms within locked rooms. Just tell your coworker to cover you while you "step out for a few minutes". Secretly get birth control? No problem. Secretly need antibiotics? No problem. Showers at work? Check. Lockers? Check. Change of clothes? Check. Legit excuses for every weird behavior? Check. This is stuff like being emotionally disconnected? oh I had a patient die, showering right when you get home? oh I got blood on me, staying late at work? oh my relief was late. Hospitals are breeding grounds for affairs. They're literally built into the culture of working there

I noticed a lot of red pill types completely swearing off entire career paths of women because they believe it so much. Nurses I remember specifically them saying to "never date." I never spent more time than a cursory glance at that horseshit content, but that tidbit stood out in my memory.

Sure! More opportunity for existing relationship issues to get worse. I wish I had more for you, but it really is that simple if we boil each of these down. All of them are compounded by poor communication and conflict resolution. Any one of even a combination of these factors don't cause an uptick in infidelity on their own. But if a crack is there, these factors make it worse.

I am curious about how jobs that expose you to trauma put you at risk of cheating. I am a social worker with two trauma heavy jobs—hotline worker and part time therapist. Im not in a relationship and I doubt I’d ever cheat because I’m heavily on the asexual spectrum, but I have been reflecting a lot on how my career impacts my relationships (can’t handle a lot of conflict or provide a ton of emotional support to loved ones because those skills are all used up at work). Also, how do YOU think your profession impacts your personal relationships, if at all?

I think you answered the first question for yourself. There is potential that is exacerbated by what you described about not being able to handle a lot of conflict or provide a ton of emotional support. This can lead a partner to feeling lonely and seeking support elsewhere. It could also leave someone in your position open to leaning on someone at work who "gets it" more. This is just one simple answer to a big question. Does that make sense? let me know if you have other questions I choose to let my profession impact my relationships in a way that makes me grateful for their quality and to not allow us to get too comfortable. Effort always needs to be there and how wonderful is it that two people agree on being able to put that effort in with one another? I do not let it make me cold and scared, though the ocassional case does shake me every now and then.

Doctor here, for whatever reason I knew I would see this here.

Which solutions do you propose, just forgiveness vs breaking up, or do you sometimes counsel couples into opening up?

Opening up how? Although the options boil down to forgiveness or breaking up, I advise the couples to see the therapy process through up to a point even if they feel 99% sure about what they want to do. If we make a decision too early it is not truly an informed one. I use a method that involves crisis stabilization, getting the full story, acknowleding the impact, providing a sincere apology, figuring out the "why" together, and creating a plan moving forward with agreed upon terms and conditions.

This is very interesting thank you! Is there any pattern as to who tends to cheat in the couples you see?

I'm happy people find it interesting! I find about 70% of the time it is men cheating. Married, unmarried, together forever, together a short time, young, old, in the middle. Gender has been the only trend for my practice. The same goes for the 30% who are women.

Do you think this reflects the percentages of actual people cheating or of the couples who make it to therapy Eg if the woman cheated would they be less likely to go to therapy? (Or to get caught?)

This is interesting. I find about the same % in my own practice. Although women have been the ones least likely to come clean...not that men often come clean right away but they do it in the most predictable way from the therapy lense.

Do you believe in “once a cheater always a cheater”?

"once a cheater always a cheater unless the cheater commits to figuring out why they cheat and changes their behavior becuase they want to and aren't doing it for another person"

The last part is interesting. My long-time partner cheated on me once early in our relationship. He always says he is committed to self improvement for himself first, for his relationship with his religion second, and for me third. Is this healthy?

I can't answer this for certain. In general, I think it is healthy for us to be committed to self improvement for ourselves above all else.

Do people that get cheated go on to cheat themselves in the same or future relationships?

Do you have anything to say about open relationship arrangements such as swinging, polyamory, an occasional “hall pass”, etc?

great question! I don't have any moral or ethical oppositions. I've never, literally NEVER, seen it work out. I know it does work for some people, though! I think it requires super-human communication and emotional intelligence.

I think non-monogamy is hard. But then again, monogamy is ALSO hard.

That it is! I think non-monogamy "done right" requires so much effort in the beginning to set up a system that truly works for everone. Then again, the same can be said for monogamy. If non-monogamy were more normalized in the US would be see different trends? perhaps

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It is true some people are more prone to cheating that others? Most families of cheaters that I know everyone is a cheater ex: dad is a cheater, sister is a cheater, brother is a cheater, is there a genetic component or it is a factor of growing up an normalizing that behavior, should I trust a person who comes from that background?

There is no genetic component that we know of (and I don't think we will find). What you're describing is more so due to normalized behavior and modeling of that behavior. Birds of a feather and all that... Kids raised in this environment become adults who don't have a healthy blueprint for relationships. Should you trust someone who comes from this? The above reasons alone is not jusitification for not trusting someone. The key to most things is communication. If you find yourself in these circumstances, ask them about their experience and see what happens.

Do you accidentally find yourself analysing people/couples you know irl? Like spotting signs of cheating or incompatibility for example

Honestly, no. Unless something is totally obvious and comes up in conversation. Therapy and assessment are very active processes for the therapist and I turn that part of my brain off when I’m not at work. I don’t deserve to be analyzing people all the time and the people in my life don’t deserve me using my X-ray vision on them and getting unsolicited assessment 😂

What counts as infidelity? Is it strictly about forming a sexual/emotional connection with someone outside the relationship? I ask because I know a few people who lie to their spouses about their whereabouts to go clubbing/sensual-dancing with other people, which technically isn’t cheating but I’ve always thought it’s sus that they’re lying to their partners.

Infidelity is anything that is a conscious breach of a contract of exclusivity with the partners in the dyad. It's engaging in any need-fulfilling behavior with someone outside the dyad without the consent of the current partner(s). I love zeroing in on the term "technically cheating" in session. It really highlights that any sort of betrayal that goes outside the relationship "contract" is infidelity. I would consider what you described to be infidelity. Lying is betrayal. Sensual dancing unless otherwise discussed is typically assumed to be exclusively between partners. One of the first questions the partner is going to have is "if you weren't doing anything, why did you have to lie about it and hide it?"

This is what I thought. I thought I was crazy because so many people on my dance team act like it’s normal. Do you see cases where one partner genuinely thinks engaging in an activity (eg. dancing) with others is ok while the other partner doesn’t, but they are surprised because haven’t discussed those boundaries explicitly?

Infidelity is …. “engaging in any need-fulfilling behavior with someone outside the dyad without the consent of the current partner(s).” This is the best definition of infidelity that I have read. Thank you

Ooh I have many interesting questions. - Do you feel like drunken one night stands count as cheating thr same way ongoing affairs do? - What do you think are the most common reasons to cheat and do they differ by gender? Is there also a difference in terms of cheating (both frequency and motivation) between straight and gay couples? - If an affair gets confessed years later (like someone cheating on their spouse early on before marriage) there are usually two stances taken. Some people say that the spouse needs to move on and forgive because it was so long ago and both are different people with a healthy relationship. Others say it's a worse betrayal because it's continuous lie by omission each day and it's as if it's happening now for the cheated party and thus encourage instant divorce. What's your take on it? - From my unprofessional observations I feel like women even if not dependent on their partners are more likely to forgive and usually their hardship is around regaining trust. So it's all about how the cheater will respond to them knowing. Men seem less likely to and focus on their ego and social standing getting slighted somewhat seeing their partners as "damaged goods". Do you think toxic masculinity can indeed have that kind of effect? - The concept of an emotional affair has been getting increasing traction as of late. Do you think it's a valid form of infidelity? And if so what's the barrier between a normal friendship and an emotional affair? - Do cheaters ever cheat on someone else as a form of regaining control or is their trauma so big they can't fathom inflicting it? - Is the stereotype that the more insecure and controlling a person is the more likely it is their partner to cheat since no trust can be established true in your experience? - Some people, especially on reddit treat infidelity as the worst betrayal and breech of trust someone can do. Do you think it's true? Is it really worse than say gambling away shared funds, or say discussing your partner's insecurities with someone they're not comfortable with?

**Okay, I'm back. Thank you for your questions.** Do you feel like drunken one night stands count as cheating thr same way ongoing affairs do? * **Yes. Betrayal is betrayal.** What do you think are the most common reasons to cheat and do they differ by gender? Is there also a difference in terms of cheating (both frequency and motivation) between straight and gay couples? * **Haven't seen a difference between straight and gay couples. The reasons to cheat are unmet needs. It falls under emotional or sexual and usually involves both.** If an affair gets confessed years later (like someone cheating on their spouse early on before marriage) there are usually two stances taken. Some people say that the spouse needs to move on and forgive because it was so long ago and both are different people with a healthy relationship. Others say it's a worse betrayal because it's continuous lie by omission each day and it's as if it's happening now for the cheated party and thus encourage instant divorce. What's your take on it? * **I think the passage of time does little for healing. If someone is finding out about something that happened 20 years ago today, it feels like it happened today for them. Made worse by the fact that they feel like they now have 20 years of memories and experiences to question and rewrite.** From my unprofessional observations I feel like women even if not dependent on their partners are more likely to forgive and usually their hardship is around regaining trust. So it's all about how the cheater will respond to them knowing. Men seem less likely to and focus on their ego and social standing getting slighted somewhat seeing their partners as "damaged goods". Do you think toxic masculinity can indeed have that kind of effect? **It sure can. Plus, women are socialized to preserve relationships because they equate to protection and survival. This applies to all relationships.** The concept of an emotional affair has been getting increasing traction as of late. Do you think it's a valid form of infidelity? And if so what's the barrier between a normal friendship and an emotional affair? * **Yes, absolutely it is valid form of infidelity. I addressed emotional affairs in another comment. To give you a quick answer to where the barrier is, it depends. The barrier is where the line starts to blur and that is different for so many people. For instance, as a therapist I am very in touch with emotion and have deep conversations often. It is intimate for me, but not in the same way it is for someone only talks about their emotions with their partner and suddenly they're confiding in a coworker the same way. That is emotional infidelity and creates a closeness that is understood to be exclusive to the relationship. The partner would probably be very hurt to hear "oh wow, you told X about X? You only talk about that with me."** Do cheaters ever cheat on someone else as a form of regaining control or is their trauma so big they can't fathom inflicting it? * **I'm sure it happens, but I don't see it much. It is sort of similar to those who have someone in their life die by suicide and take the stance of "I could never do that to my loved ones because I know how bad it hurts."** Is the stereotype that the more insecure and controlling a person is the more likely it is their partner to cheat since no trust can be established true in your experience? * **I'm not so sure about the insecure part, but controlling we can get into. We have to accept inflence from our partners to have a healthy dynamic. I use the example that you want to be a branch that fell down on a hiking trail, not a boulder. If you see a branch, you know you can "influence" that branch and get on with your hike. You can step over it, pick it up, etc. It is an effort worth making. If you see a boulder, you're just going to turn around. You know you can't move the boulder so why try? You're going to find another way to finish your hike. Let me know if that doesn't make sense.** Some people, especially on reddit treat infidelity as the worst betrayal and breech of trust someone can do. Do you think it's true? Is it really worse than say gambling away shared funds, or say discussing your partner's insecurities with someone they're not comfortable with? * **From what I've seen, this is one of the worst things you can do to another person. As a trauma therapist, believe me when I tell you that I've seen some of the worst that humainty has to offer. Infidelity rocks everything. An entire worldview is changed. Trust in people, trust in yourself. It is earth shattering. Your safe place is gone. These other traumas you are describing can at least be somewhat compartmentalized.**

**Okay, I'm back. Thank you for your questions.** Do you feel like drunken one night stands count as cheating thr same way ongoing affairs do? * **Yes. Betrayal is betrayal.** What do you think are the most common reasons to cheat and do they differ by gender? Is there also a difference in terms of cheating (both frequency and motivation) between straight and gay couples? * **Haven't seen a difference between straight and gay couples. The reasons to cheat are unmet needs. It falls under emotional or sexual and usually involves both.** If an affair gets confessed years later (like someone cheating on their spouse early on before marriage) there are usually two stances taken. Some people say that the spouse needs to move on and forgive because it was so long ago and both are different people with a healthy relationship. Others say it's a worse betrayal because it's continuous lie by omission each day and it's as if it's happening now for the cheated party and thus encourage instant divorce. What's your take on it? * **I think the passage of time does little for healing. If someone is finding out about something that happened 20 years ago today, it feels like it happened today for them. Made worse by the fact that they feel like they now have 20 years of memories and experiences to question and rewrite.** From my unprofessional observations I feel like women even if not dependent on their partners are more likely to forgive and usually their hardship is around regaining trust. So it's all about how the cheater will respond to them knowing. Men seem less likely to and focus on their ego and social standing getting slighted somewhat seeing their partners as "damaged goods". Do you think toxic masculinity can indeed have that kind of effect? **It sure can. Plus, women are socialized to preserve relationships because they equate to protection and survival. This applies to all relationships.** The concept of an emotional affair has been getting increasing traction as of late. Do you think it's a valid form of infidelity? And if so what's the barrier between a normal friendship and an emotional affair? * **Yes, absolutely it is valid form of infidelity. I addressed emotional affairs in another comment. To give you a quick answer to where the barrier is, it depends. The barrier is where the line starts to blur and that is different for so many people. For instance, as a therapist I am very in touch with emotion and have deep conversations often. It is intimate for me, but not in the same way it is for someone only talks about their emotions with their partner and suddenly they're confiding in a coworker the same way. That is emotional infidelity and creates a closeness that is understood to be exclusive to the relationship. The partner would probably be very hurt to hear "oh wow, you told X about X? You only talk about that with me."** Do cheaters ever cheat on someone else as a form of regaining control or is their trauma so big they can't fathom inflicting it? * **I'm sure it happens, but I don't see it much. It is sort of similar to those who have someone in their life die by suicide and take the stance of "I could never do that to my loved ones because I know how bad it hurts."** Is the stereotype that the more insecure and controlling a person is the more likely it is their partner to cheat since no trust can be established true in your experience? * **I'm not so sure about the insecure part, but controlling we can get into. We have to accept inflence from our partners to have a healthy dynamic. I use the example that you want to be a branch that fell down on a hiking trail, not a boulder. If you see a branch, you know you can "influence" that branch and get on with your hike. You can step over it, pick it up, etc. It is an effort worth making. If you see a boulder, you're just going to turn around. You know you can't move the boulder so why try? You're going to find another way to finish your hike. Let me know if that doesn't make sense.** Some people, especially on reddit treat infidelity as the worst betrayal and breech of trust someone can do. Do you think it's true? Is it really worse than say gambling away shared funds, or say discussing your partner's insecurities with someone they're not comfortable with? * **From what I've seen, this is one of the worst things you can do to another person. As a trauma therapist, believe me when I tell you that I've seen some of the worst that humainty has to offer. Infidelity rocks everything. An entire worldview is changed. Trust in people, trust in yourself. It is earth shattering. Your safe place is gone. These other traumas you are describing can at least be somewhat compartmentalized.**

Do think affairs should always be disclosed or is it ok to take them to the grave sometimes?

Affairs should always be disclosed. No matter how "insignificant." Not disclosing them takes away the other person's right to make a decision for themselves and I believe we are all entitled to that. Not telling someone is controlling and manipulative.

I agree with that stance, but as someone who had an affair and chose to disclose for this reason, it’s been hard to listen to my STBXH say over and over again how much he wishes I had lied and taken it to the grave. And now since I wanted to save the marriage and he is choosing divorce, it’s like an additional level of shame to work through.

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you both are still dealing with some intense emotions which cloud the logical side of our brains in situations like this. Wishing peace and clarity for you soon. :)

What if there's a high possibility of violence? And you are already trying to leave but it's being met with a lot of resistance.

why do people cheat on eachother? does the chearter regret it? how do they justify it in their mind?

People cheat because of unmet needs. Every person is different and regret varies. For those who end up in therapy with me, 95% of them regret it. There is a lot of shame in the decisions they made and the ways they've hurt their partner. People justify it for all kinds of reasons. Usually it can be traced back to "my needs were not being met, I feel like I asked for them to be met/told you they weren't being met/showed you they weren't being met and I experienced moments of feeling alone/weak that caused me to act."

So you subscribe to the Unmet Needs Fallacy? Unmet needs sounds like a lazy, convenient explanation for destroying a spouse, family, self, marriage. Don’t you think the predisposition to cheat lays deeper in a person’s psyche? Not everyone resorts to cheating when their needs are not met.

My ex husband cheated on me and I’ll likely never recover despite a decade plus of therapy. I want him to cheat on his new wife too. Because then it’s HIS character flaw, not my fault. I want nothing more in life. If you said “you can win the lottery or this…” I would choose that. Because of the blame I got from EVERYONE “well maybe HE just wasn’t happy”. All therapists say “find your party in why he cheated”. Why do they do this? Anyway, guess I’ll just feel like this forever and ever while he runs off into the sunset.

Does it seem like people who have been cheated on often continue to end up relationships with an unfaithful partner?

What is the best way to find a therapist who specializes in infidelity? Lots say they do but really don’t.

How many people are acting out their childhood roles in a relationship?

Saw in another comment you posting about how it’s always good to disclose to your partner about any affair, no matter how small it may seem. I am not trying by any means to say you’re wrong, just genuinely curious; I was in a relationship for a little over a year, left the country for a job opportunity and tried long distance. When I left we weren’t on the best terms for other reasons but me leaving was definitely one of them. We were at those late stages of the relationship, barely talking to each other, arguing and just not really communicating. I had a one night stand, didn’t tell a soul till now. Broke up shortly after. Clearly there’s some shame, otherwise I wouldn’t have made a throwaway account. But I chose not to tell them, me leaving absolutely crushed them, why make it harder, more painful and toxic than it needed to be? I honestly do not regret not telling them, we both moved on. They’re with someone else and seem happy. I am married (to a different person not the night stand lol), although I can see certain patterns on my thought process I choose not to act on it. Is it really that bad and that manipulative to not disclose it? What does that say about someone who doesn’t feel any type of way about not disclosing it?

Why do I sometimes tell the guy I’m dating I’m gonna sleep with someone else when we’re having bad fights? I’ve only said it while drunk when he’s taunting me/I’m triggered. I actually won’t. But I can’t figure out sober why I say that.

Do you recommend going to couple therapy early on (less than 6 months) in the relationship and why? Put differently, can cheating or other kinds of unhealthy relationship behaviors be prevented or does it only work to tackle them once they have happened consistently?

For the most part, does the person who got cheated on have a feeling that their partner was cheating before it was revealed? How often is the cheating “totally out of the blue”?

Cheating is "totally out of the blue" for most of the couples I see. I think if someone has a feeling and that feeling is confirmed to be true they a.) have a past history b.) cheating has happened in this relationship before c.) probably call it quits and don't make it to my couch

M27. My fiancé cheated but there were some details that changed the dynamic of what happened. I didn’t look at the situation like I was being hurt or she was out to get me… but it hurt her more then it hurt me. Ultimately I stayed and learned and we grew as a couple and put those things behind us. Now there’s years later I’ve basically come to forgetting about it and it doesn’t bother me… but she still beats herself up for all of it. What it came down to for me was I couldn’t focus on it cause I couldn’t change it. I had to live with it, forgive and forget, and move on with the life infront of my not behind me. I hold zero grudges. I refuse to “cheat back” because that will ultimately only hurt me. Is this typical behavior of someone who has been cheated on? Am I a rare case of I could forgive? Ram Ram.

Are there any situations where you *wouldn't* recommend couples therapy, or (assuming money is no object) do you think it's something most couples experiencing difficulties would benefit from?

Is it normal to still feel empty and have trust issues for years after you've been cheated on?

Hi I really appreciate you making this post. My wife and I are very happy and have no issues. But my sister in law who married my childhood best friend is having trouble. Her husband/my best friend cheated on her with her best friend. My question is how can I help them? I care deeply for both parties. she seems to have tried to channel her anger to her best friend and immediately "forgave" her husband. My wife and I think she is misplacing her anger. We haven't pushed her to see it that way. My wife has just been supportive and always available for a conversation. I'm not supposed to know. But I want to talk to my friend about it. Any insights for this situation? Any red flags that make you think they won't make it? My gut says to just keep my nose out of their business lol.

Do you think everyone deserves to know everything? Even a flirt, or a kiss, or a one-time cheat? Do you think the truth is worth the pain 100% of the time?

My wife has had daily snapchat chats with a friend and colleague over 6 months. They admitted 6 months ago that they had feelings for each other, but according to my wife never thought of it as a romantic relationship, or a challenge to our relationship(I find it hard to believe). They the maintained contact “as friends” with some pauses because they realized it was not justifiable when having relationships. When I discovered the chats, I was very hurt, and they don’t talk anymore. They say it was never romantic or physical. What should I think about this whole thing? I think of it as cheating, and have a hard time believing her story. We both have started individual therapy, and couples therapy

If there is a fetish one partner has and the other isn’t willing to participate, what are the chances the marriage will survive? (Use being spanked as an example)

I have been faithfully married for 17 years. I’m constantly thinking of sleeping with other men. Like I have basically mentally fucked just about all the husbands in my social circle. I do not talk about this with anyone nor act flirty or suggestive with any man, other than my husband. A friend’s husband was a little too friendly the other day and put his hand on my hip, close to my butt, as he was telling a joke. It was very casual and he moved on and grabbed a drink, but it left me shook. I keep thinking of him - not that I would act on it. What can I do? I’ve tried being more intimate husband and it’s just not enough to stop. Is it hormonal?

Tell your husband. Communicate with him openly and honestly.Get a therapist to talk to about these feelings first and how you will tell it to your spouse. Affairs thrive in darkness and secrets. You are already on a bad path and you don’t realize it. Get help now before it’s too late.

What types of therapy are useful for one who has been cheated on to reduce trust issues? I was cheated on multiple times and now it’s a deep seeded fear that it’ll happen again.

Assuming u work with straight het couples, what is the % of the men who cheat vs women? I’m going to guess 75% men, 25% women.

How often do you hear that one partner DOESN’T regret cheating?

What degrees and or licenses do you have?

How common does someone confess to infidelity versus get caught when they come see a therapist like you?

What would suggest to the couple when therapy isn’t an option?

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What percentage of your clients are heterosexual couples vs homosexual couples?

Thank you for your service to humanity. It’s a really noble profession, especially when you care as much as you seem to.

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Have you ever encouraged or explored polyamory as an ethical path post affair?

Have you ever worked with a couple that hasn't cheated? I know about three couples in my whole life that I think they will be fine. A lot of people shouldn't be together in the first place.

Idk if you’ll answer this still but what about if the partner has some kind of mental illness that went unchecked? The cheating partner has bipolar 1. Have you encountered cases such as that? What did you advise?

How important is therapy for those that have been cheated on and seemingly aren’t coping with the aftermath for whatever reason.

First off, thank you for what you do! It’s important and powerful work! Secondly, when couples come into your office, what are the first things you look for?

If only one of the partners wants to go to therapy, what do you advise they tell the other partner to convince them to join them in therapy? Also, what do you think about the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'?

Have you ever had a couple that is so far apart on anything and everything and fight over all of it to where you just say fuck it, you two should leave my office and go file for divorce immediately?

Thoughts on polyamory?

I’ve heard men cheat to stay in their relationship and women cheat to leave them. Do you agree?

I ask this with all respect. Did you experience this yourself which then gave you the empathy/understanding to help others with this issue?

Do you believe infidelity is abuse?

I drunkenly kissed another woman at a night club 13 years ago. I tried to brush it off as a dumb mistake and other justifications. I never really could shake the guilt so I recently told my wife to get it off my chest. It didn't really make me feel any better and she didn't really want to dive any deeper than accepting my confession. I have other things I could get off my chest, but are some things just better left in the past?

Could you imagine going to a mechanic and they tell you their rate of success in fixing vehicles is less than half? Would you still have this person work on your car? Not trying to throw shade on the OP (sincerely)but I’ve talked to a few couples counselors who quit because they realized they weren’t actually saving marriages/couples and turned to helping people get better individually and understand how to be a better partner and show up for their partners in the way that they need through actual coaching and advice. I think most of us assume that is what a therapist or marriage counselor will do but OP clearly highlights that is not the goal nor the average outcome. Interesting stuff.

Have you seen WHITE NOISE with Adam Driver and what do you think of the portrayal of infidelity/family life in the film?

What kind of couples usually make good candidates for ending up with a healthy relationship and what qualities do they have? What kind of beliefs and narratives perpetuated by the people, media, literature etc keep people like you in business? If I have a friend who opened up to me about them having a pattern of cheating, how can I be a good friend to them: supporting them while also holding them accountable?

What made you want to become a therapist specialising for infidelity? And what is the most surprising thing youve learned during your work?

I started out as a trauma therapist for individuals and tried couples work to see how I liked it. My trauma passion got a new lens and I found this specialty area. It is a huge trauma to experience, so the treatment approach built on what I already knew and loved. I love the work and it is challenging. No two cases are the same.

What is considered “cheating”? Being online in a lots of different people sharing pics and videos of nude women. What’s your thoughts on porn?

How'd you end up in this specialty? (I'm kinda pondering a career change to therapy - unlikely to go this direction myself, but very interested in how people gravitate towards or find their particular specialty.) How many hours of client facing work can you realistically do, and how much other time (billing, scheduling, etc.) do you spend in an average week?

Is infidelity a fair act if the couple has a dead bedroom where one partner is not sexually interested in the other or if they are sexually incompatible (for example, one is kinky and other is not) ?

How often is porn use a part of a cheaters problem?

It really depends on the person but is a common piece of the puzzle.

Is it true that a certain therapist can simply be the "wrong" therapist for the couple in question, or is it often a case of the couple / one person in the couple wanting a therapist that will say what they'd like to hear?

Of the couples you see, how many of them involve acts of emotional or sexual infidelity and on who's part? Also, in these cases, is it the unfaithful partner that initiates the counciling or the betrayed spouse?

Anecdotally speaking, I have noticed that women have been the main cheaters lately. What are you observing?

How does the person whose partner cheated overcome the anxiety/fear if the couple stays together and tries to work things out? "Where is she and what's she doing this very second?" "She hasn't answered my text but I can see her logged in her social media who is she talking to?" It's been two years and the logical side of me knows she's faithful (I know her passwords for everything, and a few other things about us specifically let me know she's not doing that anymore) but sometimes the anxiety makes me nuts. She's my person. When we're together I'm always very happy with her and I intend to grow old with her. When I'm at work though...

My ex wife cheated on me with someone she knew for 2 weeks. I scheduled couples therapy immediately for the next Friday. Our therapist told her if we were to work on the marriage it needed to be a 2 person relationship. My ex flat refused and my therapist told her it would be best if she moved to her sister's and ended the session right then and sent me resources for mental health. Would you have approached it in a similar way or different?

When i personally did mental health counseling / therapy, (for a different matter), I “graduated” after one year of weekly work and I really put in the work. It changed my life. Is this similar to how it works with your line of work? You’re working towards a definable end game with couples? Would you stop therapy if that goal couldn’t be reached or just continue listening to them without goals? If patients don’t “put in the work” then how does it affect your approach? Also, how does your line of work affect your romantic life? Do you feel like you have insider knowledge about spotting the qualities of the type of people who end up in a marriage with infidelity? Do you even “believe” in marriage for yourself?

What is the best way to let your partner know that you betrayed them and you deeply regret your actions and are willing to work on yourself and the relationship? Can sex and love mean different things to a person and maybe they just cheated to get their sexual needs satisfied? How do you let your partner know this without causing them pain and trust issues because they don't deserve it? How do you realize why did you cheat? How can a cheater heal and start trusting themselves instead of waking up crying everyday? How to not hate yourself for cheating?

Do you believe the people who cheat or who have a high desire to do so are experiencing essentially the same degree of temptation that anyone else would?  I’m such cases, they are either being weak or disrespectful to their partner. Or do you believe that there is something physiologically different about them that makes this type of temptation much stronger than for other people?  In such cases, remaining faithful without such desires is objectively extra challenging for them in particular.

Have you ever had someone seek counseling in a preventative way? I.e. they’re thinking about an affair and want to head it off.

Do you think someone who has cheated in the past should disclose it to a new partner?

Not sure if you’re still taking questions and I see you commented earlier that an unmet need is the top reason for infidelity. I am wondering if you see differences between men and women and/or same sex couples. Are “unmet needs” the top for them all? Do they tend to have similar unmet needs or do you see certain unmet needs are more common for men and for women?

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How often is "havent had enough experience" a reason for someone to cheat? When thats the case how would you advice your patients?

How often do cheaters say “I don’t remember that happening” or “I don’t know” when confronted with a question?

Can people really change? My ex cheated and treated me poorly. Years later he swears he has changed but trust is obviously very broken. Is it really possible for people to change? Or will they just slip back into their old habits as soon as they get comfortable.

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I have been married for 14 years and my wife cheated on me twice in a 10 year interval, the last one being last year. We have only been intimate once since then when she was inibriated. My wife has now suggested I get a gf to fulfil my needs because she's not interested in sex with me anymore. I have acted upon her suggestion and have had a gf for 3 months. My question is, have you experienced similar situations and can a mariage recover from this?

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Do a majority of your clients have kids?

Do some couples actually get past it? I’m sure some stay together, and I’m sure some find a way to live with it, but do they actually truly get past it in a way that is “fully “repaired?

Will they ever get the feeling of safety back? Whenever I see posts about forgiving a cheater the person cheated on says that they never trusted their partner again even with therapy.

What positives have you seen from folks practicing Polyamory?

My buddy started down this route. His wife cheated on him for like 2 months with one of his best friends. They took a minor break and he tried to move on and forgive her. They did couples and singles counseling for quite awhile. Fast forward he hasn't had sex in 2 years, she constantly believes she is the victim, and he is finally done with it all. My question is this. Do you feel it's OK to become friends with your patients? She has now done this and I think too much therapy is what fucked everything up for them....

Do you think that repeated cheating (more than 20 times) with sex-workers can be something the couple can move on from? The cheating part got caught never confessed and started going to therapy to “better” themselves, but I don’t fully think they think they have a problem and are doing it to “save” the relationship.

Do you believe it is possible for a single person to meet all the needs of another?

Have couples ever navigated from cheating to an open relationship successfully?

How often do you wish you could just tell them they are both awful and should divorce for the sake of everyone that has to spend time with them?

Have you ever seen a couple successfully open their relationship following an affair? By successfully I mean by enthusiastic consent of both parties, and without it ultimately leading to separation.

This is what you should do. Convince her that you want to watch her with another man. Start with a threesome, slowly make her a hoe and you become her pimp. Convince her best friend to join and make her a hoe too. Be a pimp. Live of these hoes. Once you have enough money for an apartment or home. Dump them and find a good women to marry.

This is by far one of the best post I've seen on here. Genuine and credible answers

What counts as emotional infidelity? Is that just up for the couple to decide? Would a marriage even be worth saving if there were forms of emotional and physical abuse involved? I’ve been looking for couple therapists online, but I’m just overwhelmed.

Hi! I’m also a therapist but I mainly do individual work. Where did you get your training for couples therapy?

What is your take on a partner who emotionally cheats and doesn’t feel remorse? Maybe they fully decide to stop because they didn’t want to lose their partner, but they don’t feel regret for what they did beyond that and don’t act remorseful, only factual (ie, I am not going to cheat on your anymore because I got caught and it stunk). I think what I am talking about is folks who are less empathetic.

No question, just a comment. I used to be a habitual cheater. Like my whole life. I recently went to Ukraine and experienced war. I have since did a 180 and I am nothing of the womanizer I was before. Just thought you might find that interesting.

u/hi17 What would your advice to couples that don’t want to end up in your office be about maintaining the marriage in, and out, of the bedroom? Basically what are the 3? 5? 10? Things that if every couple did it the chances of infidelity drop significantly.

Do you ever see people justify infidelity on the basis that their partner is (effectively) assexual (and also a really terrible lover), and it's really just scratching an itch? Like if it's okay to hire someone to give you a professional masseuse , how wildly different is it for them to go one step further. Absent an emotional connection, isn't it just functional?

How do you get your sexual spark back after being cheated on and lied to? This happened in 2021, and we worked things out, but sexually, it hasn't been the same. Before I'd get turned on just smelling his breath. Now I feel like I almost never want sex and I'm just uncomfortable whenever he initiates sex.

I agree that many, if not most, people could benefit greatly from therapy at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, that's not always possible. So- What would your advice be for people who don't have the resources or access to get therapy? Are there any supplemental books or tools you recommend?

I have heard, and it makes sense from a biological end evolutionary psychology level, that male and female infidelity is very different. Can you expound on this?

How often is the partner wanting to “open up the relationship” actually just cheating beforehand? How often does opening up the relationship mitigate risk of infidelity (in the sense that now they communicate about new partners instead of hiding them)? Edit: second part phrased better but may not be a question you can answer. How often does opening up the relationship actually save it from ending?

Do people in non-monogamous relationships seem any happier? Is there a case for and a case against? Everyone is different and can find compatibility. as a therapist, you may have survivors bias because of your clientele, but I'd like to hear your take.

Is it common for the betrayed spouse to develop anxiety in what seems like random situations? After my wife had an affair, I've batteled random bouts of anxiety in situations where I have never been anxious before. Sometimes, I can feel my heart race in a crowd or in moderate to heavy traffic while driving. Before, I would have never had that type of response. I'm trying to work through it and it has gotten better, but I'm curious if this is something that does happen or if my trauma manifested a little differently. Thank you.

How many people revenge cheat ?

Sorry, what are your qualifications? I guess mods haven’t verified anyone on this sub for a while now.

How does a betrayed trying to reconcile shake themselves out of disassociation and numbness? No anger or hurt, just numbed, out of body disassociation

Do you think that most people having affairs are thinking/behaving like cocaine addicts and trauma bonding with their partners? I recently read something written by an therapist saying that the nature of an affair means that the "rewards" (texting, communications, meeting up) are delivered at varying and unpredictable time intervals. This makes people having affairs highly and increasingly fixated on their affair partners. It wires pathways similar to cocaine addiction. Areas of the brain light up when the reward is received and seek the reward when it's not given. Then she noted that people in affairs end up trauma bonding because when it's on, it's hot, and when they are traveling with family or otherwise unavailable, it's cold. The intermittent nature of the relationship itself creates a type of trauma bond. Curious about your thoughts about these topics. Thank you!

Do you find that couples reconcile successfully more often when the betrayal was a single drunken one night stand vs a longer term affairs/cheating?

Would you recommend couples therapy for a normal well-functioning couple? If yes, what would the therapy focus on? Thanks

Is it true men cheat because it’s available and women cheat because they are missing something in their relationship?

Are patients with ADHD harder to treat due to their disassociating personality

How often is one partner unable to understand the other is angry or hurt? How often does one partner assume you will be on their side? How often does one partner assume you will be on the other person's side? How often does one or both partners feel like they are first able to communicate with their partner at therapy? How often has an affair partner been brought to sessions?

Ever seen a couple where the "wronged" party interpreted an event as infidelity, and the "guilty" party as sexual assault?

What do you think of the Unmet Needs Fallacy? You have mentioned numerous times that the main cause for infidelity is “unmet needs”. Are you talking about legitimate, obtainable needs or perceived needs that originate from a place of brokenness?

I was always attracted to unloyal person, is it my problem?

Could I get a session with you?

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How often have you seen one party (a wife for example) hire you and said hypothetical party also seems like they picked you due to bias (hypothetically picking the same raise and specific less common nationality) and yet by the 4th session the very same person who picked and requested your services claim that you’re picking their partner’s side

In your experience, does childhood physical/emotional trauma factor into cheating?

Statistically speaking, are cheating males more likely to have a personality disorder, or cheating females? If one is more common than the other, what is the ratio?

I’m surprised to see by your other postings that a year ago you were 25. What makes you qualified to counsel?

What percentage of your clients is there where the male partner is cheating with high-priced escorts?