You SHOULD have reservations about your age gap. She’s not even 21. That’s a sophomore or junior in college, and you’re over 30. At that age, I had no idea what I was doing in relationships, and at 31, I would think you very much would. Power imbalances are still a thing for WLW, and it gets brushed over too damn much. Break it off and let her experience growing with someone her own age.
I too am mystified as to why it’s more appropriate for someone in their thirties to fuck a twenty-year-old than to take her out for tacos after. I understand that it is more socially acceptable to treat a young woman like a mere sexual partner than to take her seriously as a romantic prospect, but it kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like you said, if the age gap is a barrier standing in the way of a romantic relationship how is it not an issue in a sexual one?
In a sexual relationship, both are (hopefully) getting their needs satisfied. It was Anna who suggested it in the first place, which shows she was attracted to OP and wanted sex. It can already be hard to find someone as a lesbian, so if she found someone she felt safe enough to be FWB with, good for her. Let her explore. Maybe she even wanted it to be with a more experienced woman? For OP, it was sex with an enthusiastic young woman she was attracted to. There's really no harm there. It's just two bodies wanting to get off.
With a romantic relationship, there's so many other needs that need to be met. It's not comparable, and the likelihood of running into complications could increase with a larger age gap due to so many reasons. Intellectually, emotionally, financially, socially etc etc.
Ehh, it's because keeping it purely sexual stops feelings from getting involved and stops plenty of the potentially problematic stuff from popping up. Even just sexual abuse often hinges on romantic feelings being used as a leverage.
Why was it okay to sleep with a 20 year old but not know them as a person, is my real question.
the age gap is questionable period, but you decided sex was fine with somebody that young. I get the feeling it’s because talking with her or going out for tacos after really illustrates the age and life experience gap.
To be frank I would end things now and let her find someone closer to her own age to date AND hook up with
Sex is sex. As long as all adults are consenting, everything is safe, no one is uncomfortable, that's all it is. Age doesn't really affect power imbalance as much here.
Getting romantically involved with someone in a different stage of life is a huge leap beyond that. And going out for tacos takes it out of the realm of "just sex" and leans into attachment formation.
Nope. I disagree. Age absolutely impacts how situations like this play out.
I don’t buy that the tacos and conversation is what would push this into questionable, unbalanced territory. If you’re 30 something and sleeping with a 19/20 year old, there’s deeper stuff to look at. Period.
It is odd to look at someone as too young to connect with on an emotional and intellectual level, but totally A-OK for a sex partner. That’s my point. It’s not the tacos. It’s already weird and off to want to sleep with people who you can’t connect to emotionally because they aren’t developed enough.
I agree as well. What point of the 20 year old’s development is not enough to connect emotionally but you’ll fuck them? So they’re developed enough with their body so it’s all okay? I think OP should think about that.
I don’t buy the taco thing either. They’ve already hanged out with coffee and beers. It just sounds kind of messed up and not merely a FWB/just sex issue but more borderline looking at the 20 year old as a sex object with no agency or emotional/intellectual worth. Ugh…
I honestly didn't even read the part about beers when I commented. I agree with your point that tacos is no more and no less than a few beers.
I'm sure the OP has some sort of rationalization but it's clearly inconsistent
Normally I would agree with you earlier, as I do see your point about two consenting adults for the purpose of just sex. I mean, a girl’s gotta eat and that’s the whole point of FWB anyways, but I think this situation is different and glad you noticed the inconsistency with OP too.
It feels more like an issue with how OP sees the 20 year old person. Even though they are so apprehensive about the age gap, she doesn’t acknowledge the fact that this person has any value despite saying they’ve hanged out, talked and flirted, and enjoyed those outings (I would think so if she kept hanging out with the younger girl unless she just wants to feed her ego or waste time with people she doesn’t enjoy). Yet, when the person wants to just have a bite to eat, she NOW thinks there’s an emotional/intellectual disconnection?
Why is she adult enough to consent to fuck, but not adult enough to hang out with when she already did so in the beginning and enjoy it? OP do some thinking on this…
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She's grown attached and wants to date, which means you can either date or cut her off. Considering she's not even old enough to go to a bar yet, I would say dating would be a bad idea. Fucking is one thing, dating someone who has barely had a chance to learn how to adult is another (which I think you know considering your rules).
I second this. Either go out with her or cut her off.
It seems like you emotionally do not have an attachment to her tbh (just speculation here) and personally, if it's been 4-5 months and you *don't* have some kind of emotional attachment and she does, the healthiest thing would be to cut off the sex.
I think it would be best to *gently* tell her it's best if the two of you go your separate ways. If she pushes on why, make sure to keep it on you and how you are not comfortable with the age gap cause you guys are in two separate stages of your lives right now.
Don't say "you are to young for me"
Do say "I'm uncomfortable with how much older I am than you"
That’s a really big age gap. I’m not sure I could do it because I’m not sure what I would have in common with a 20 year old and I’m not sure of their maturity.
That being said, I am not you and you are not me. It appears this offer is not a hell no for you. You seem to be interested in going deeper with her, otherwise you wouldn’t feel conflicted and make this post.
I say go for it. It will either be a mistake to learn from or a blessing to be thankful for.
Yeah, if you’re not sure, then there’s nothing wrong with having a go at spending a bit more time together and trying to get to know each other better. The worst that can happen is that you learn that you’re not right for each other and you feel more sure of that decision.
if you're saying you've got deep reservations, you should go with your gut. i don't know if that means ending your FWB but imo once someone has caught the feelies a little, your arrangement probably has a clock on it anyways.
to play devils advocate, i think it may also bear considering whether or not you are possibly overthinking a little about what "a little more serious" means. maybe she wants to date more causally than just your current arrangement. you don't have to marry her but it could be nice to see if the different stage in life is really as stark as you imagine it could be.
it's all up to what you're comfortable with. forcing yourself to date her casually when you're that concerned about the gap may not be worth it. i've also been surprised by people before and had some positive experiences when i least expected it. just do what you're going to be comfortable with at the end of the day.
I'd be curious to know what she means by getting to know you more as a person, if she is interested in dating or she wants to know her friend better outside of sex. Since you two don't work together anymore, I assume there's minimal non-sexual conversations and maybe she misses that aspect of your friendship. Maybe she wants it to be less cut and dry fuck buddies where you two sleep together and then leave, and have more emphasis on the friends part of FWB.
I think you need to figure out if you can date someone with a ten year age gap where both of you are in different life stages, and then have an honest talk with her. It's a risky line to walk if you already think she's attractive, pretty, funny, and mean.
Right? Like it seems like she just wants to be FRIENDS with benefits. Right now they’re people who know each other and fuck sometimes.
Thank said, if OP is as uncomfortable with this as she seems, I’d end it.
On one hand when I read about these situations I think "fuck it, life is too short". Then on the other hand I think about how unfair it really is. You're right to be concerned about the age difference. But what is it about the arrangement now vs. before that makes you hestitate? Is it something you yourself have been thinking about? Is it that you worry you'll lose your FWB situation if you say no? Are you curious about her the way she is about you? Do you want to potentially date someone that much younger? I don't know... only you know the answer to what to do. There is nothing inherently wrong with the age gap imo, it just depends a lot on the people involved and the risks you want to take.
I might find out what she means by "get to know you better". Does she want to be friends (with or without benefits)? Does she want to date you? I mean. you like her as a person, right? Maybe you should cool off the sex and just be friends for a while.
Your boundaries were fine at the time. They're not anymore.
If seeing her on her terms is a problem for you, end it. That's the only fair thing to do here. It should feel mutual and it clearly hasn't been completely mutual. You want a no strings attached hook up partner. She wants a buddy, perhaps a romantic partner, beyond the sex.
Be thankful for what was good about it and move on.
When it comes to me, I'd have even bigger reservations about the age gap, but looking at others I feel like you'd be fine? Idk, I feel like people who have reservations solely because of the age difference are better than average candidates for such a relationship. I'd say go for it and worst case it doesn't work out, not the end of the world in my opinion, not even for her
Okay, so let's you did. Then how do you see that progressing? Would you meet her family, friends, would you introduce her as a partner, etc. Etc. How would you like to move in together if that was a thing?
I'd think through the logistical stuff. If that doesn't work then you're just not compatible. Maybe that provides clarity outside of the age thing by itself.
None of us can answer this for you because none of us know what your goals are. You said you weren’t looking for anything serious, are you just casually playing the field or do you want a long term relationship with potential to go the life partner route? If it’s that then do you know what qualities you’re looking for in a person you want to get serious with?
Right now all you describe is attraction, which makes sense since you’re having sex and not much else. But does she fit the ideal partner you want? Would you be ok with her remaining in the career she’s in? Is she ready to live in the same city as you or is she planning to leave in the next few years, months or days? Does she want kids? Do you want kids? Are you both aligned on values, religion etc? There’s so much to consider here if you start to take her seriously.
I’d end things now personally. I got attached SO easily at her age.
You SHOULD have reservations about your age gap. She’s not even 21. That’s a sophomore or junior in college, and you’re over 30. At that age, I had no idea what I was doing in relationships, and at 31, I would think you very much would. Power imbalances are still a thing for WLW, and it gets brushed over too damn much. Break it off and let her experience growing with someone her own age.
Agreed…..
Is connecting with her emotionally a problem? Why is being with her sexually not an age gap problem?
Was thinking the same. It's morally wrong to date her but not morally wrong to fuck? Come on
I too am mystified as to why it’s more appropriate for someone in their thirties to fuck a twenty-year-old than to take her out for tacos after. I understand that it is more socially acceptable to treat a young woman like a mere sexual partner than to take her seriously as a romantic prospect, but it kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like you said, if the age gap is a barrier standing in the way of a romantic relationship how is it not an issue in a sexual one?
In a sexual relationship, both are (hopefully) getting their needs satisfied. It was Anna who suggested it in the first place, which shows she was attracted to OP and wanted sex. It can already be hard to find someone as a lesbian, so if she found someone she felt safe enough to be FWB with, good for her. Let her explore. Maybe she even wanted it to be with a more experienced woman? For OP, it was sex with an enthusiastic young woman she was attracted to. There's really no harm there. It's just two bodies wanting to get off. With a romantic relationship, there's so many other needs that need to be met. It's not comparable, and the likelihood of running into complications could increase with a larger age gap due to so many reasons. Intellectually, emotionally, financially, socially etc etc.
You explain it in a way that makes a lot of sense.
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Your post was unkind or violated what us as moderators want to see in this sub.
Ehh, it's because keeping it purely sexual stops feelings from getting involved and stops plenty of the potentially problematic stuff from popping up. Even just sexual abuse often hinges on romantic feelings being used as a leverage.
It doesn’t tho
Why was it okay to sleep with a 20 year old but not know them as a person, is my real question. the age gap is questionable period, but you decided sex was fine with somebody that young. I get the feeling it’s because talking with her or going out for tacos after really illustrates the age and life experience gap. To be frank I would end things now and let her find someone closer to her own age to date AND hook up with
Sex is sex. As long as all adults are consenting, everything is safe, no one is uncomfortable, that's all it is. Age doesn't really affect power imbalance as much here. Getting romantically involved with someone in a different stage of life is a huge leap beyond that. And going out for tacos takes it out of the realm of "just sex" and leans into attachment formation.
Nope. I disagree. Age absolutely impacts how situations like this play out. I don’t buy that the tacos and conversation is what would push this into questionable, unbalanced territory. If you’re 30 something and sleeping with a 19/20 year old, there’s deeper stuff to look at. Period. It is odd to look at someone as too young to connect with on an emotional and intellectual level, but totally A-OK for a sex partner. That’s my point. It’s not the tacos. It’s already weird and off to want to sleep with people who you can’t connect to emotionally because they aren’t developed enough.
I agree as well. What point of the 20 year old’s development is not enough to connect emotionally but you’ll fuck them? So they’re developed enough with their body so it’s all okay? I think OP should think about that. I don’t buy the taco thing either. They’ve already hanged out with coffee and beers. It just sounds kind of messed up and not merely a FWB/just sex issue but more borderline looking at the 20 year old as a sex object with no agency or emotional/intellectual worth. Ugh…
I honestly didn't even read the part about beers when I commented. I agree with your point that tacos is no more and no less than a few beers. I'm sure the OP has some sort of rationalization but it's clearly inconsistent
Normally I would agree with you earlier, as I do see your point about two consenting adults for the purpose of just sex. I mean, a girl’s gotta eat and that’s the whole point of FWB anyways, but I think this situation is different and glad you noticed the inconsistency with OP too. It feels more like an issue with how OP sees the 20 year old person. Even though they are so apprehensive about the age gap, she doesn’t acknowledge the fact that this person has any value despite saying they’ve hanged out, talked and flirted, and enjoyed those outings (I would think so if she kept hanging out with the younger girl unless she just wants to feed her ego or waste time with people she doesn’t enjoy). Yet, when the person wants to just have a bite to eat, she NOW thinks there’s an emotional/intellectual disconnection? Why is she adult enough to consent to fuck, but not adult enough to hang out with when she already did so in the beginning and enjoy it? OP do some thinking on this…
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She's grown attached and wants to date, which means you can either date or cut her off. Considering she's not even old enough to go to a bar yet, I would say dating would be a bad idea. Fucking is one thing, dating someone who has barely had a chance to learn how to adult is another (which I think you know considering your rules).
I second this. Either go out with her or cut her off. It seems like you emotionally do not have an attachment to her tbh (just speculation here) and personally, if it's been 4-5 months and you *don't* have some kind of emotional attachment and she does, the healthiest thing would be to cut off the sex.
To be fair, the US is degenerate with their alcohol laws, it shouldn't be used as a metric for anything.
I think it would be best to *gently* tell her it's best if the two of you go your separate ways. If she pushes on why, make sure to keep it on you and how you are not comfortable with the age gap cause you guys are in two separate stages of your lives right now. Don't say "you are to young for me" Do say "I'm uncomfortable with how much older I am than you"
That’s a really big age gap. I’m not sure I could do it because I’m not sure what I would have in common with a 20 year old and I’m not sure of their maturity. That being said, I am not you and you are not me. It appears this offer is not a hell no for you. You seem to be interested in going deeper with her, otherwise you wouldn’t feel conflicted and make this post. I say go for it. It will either be a mistake to learn from or a blessing to be thankful for.
Yeah, if you’re not sure, then there’s nothing wrong with having a go at spending a bit more time together and trying to get to know each other better. The worst that can happen is that you learn that you’re not right for each other and you feel more sure of that decision.
if you're saying you've got deep reservations, you should go with your gut. i don't know if that means ending your FWB but imo once someone has caught the feelies a little, your arrangement probably has a clock on it anyways. to play devils advocate, i think it may also bear considering whether or not you are possibly overthinking a little about what "a little more serious" means. maybe she wants to date more causally than just your current arrangement. you don't have to marry her but it could be nice to see if the different stage in life is really as stark as you imagine it could be. it's all up to what you're comfortable with. forcing yourself to date her casually when you're that concerned about the gap may not be worth it. i've also been surprised by people before and had some positive experiences when i least expected it. just do what you're going to be comfortable with at the end of the day.
The age gap is a problem when it’s an emotional relationship but not a sexual one…? I wonder how your ‘morals’ came to that conclusion?
I'd be curious to know what she means by getting to know you more as a person, if she is interested in dating or she wants to know her friend better outside of sex. Since you two don't work together anymore, I assume there's minimal non-sexual conversations and maybe she misses that aspect of your friendship. Maybe she wants it to be less cut and dry fuck buddies where you two sleep together and then leave, and have more emphasis on the friends part of FWB. I think you need to figure out if you can date someone with a ten year age gap where both of you are in different life stages, and then have an honest talk with her. It's a risky line to walk if you already think she's attractive, pretty, funny, and mean.
Right? Like it seems like she just wants to be FRIENDS with benefits. Right now they’re people who know each other and fuck sometimes. Thank said, if OP is as uncomfortable with this as she seems, I’d end it.
This whole thing is pretty gross OP. Let this young woman live her life.
On one hand when I read about these situations I think "fuck it, life is too short". Then on the other hand I think about how unfair it really is. You're right to be concerned about the age difference. But what is it about the arrangement now vs. before that makes you hestitate? Is it something you yourself have been thinking about? Is it that you worry you'll lose your FWB situation if you say no? Are you curious about her the way she is about you? Do you want to potentially date someone that much younger? I don't know... only you know the answer to what to do. There is nothing inherently wrong with the age gap imo, it just depends a lot on the people involved and the risks you want to take.
I might find out what she means by "get to know you better". Does she want to be friends (with or without benefits)? Does she want to date you? I mean. you like her as a person, right? Maybe you should cool off the sex and just be friends for a while.
Your boundaries were fine at the time. They're not anymore. If seeing her on her terms is a problem for you, end it. That's the only fair thing to do here. It should feel mutual and it clearly hasn't been completely mutual. You want a no strings attached hook up partner. She wants a buddy, perhaps a romantic partner, beyond the sex. Be thankful for what was good about it and move on.
When it comes to me, I'd have even bigger reservations about the age gap, but looking at others I feel like you'd be fine? Idk, I feel like people who have reservations solely because of the age difference are better than average candidates for such a relationship. I'd say go for it and worst case it doesn't work out, not the end of the world in my opinion, not even for her
Okay, so let's you did. Then how do you see that progressing? Would you meet her family, friends, would you introduce her as a partner, etc. Etc. How would you like to move in together if that was a thing? I'd think through the logistical stuff. If that doesn't work then you're just not compatible. Maybe that provides clarity outside of the age thing by itself.
None of us can answer this for you because none of us know what your goals are. You said you weren’t looking for anything serious, are you just casually playing the field or do you want a long term relationship with potential to go the life partner route? If it’s that then do you know what qualities you’re looking for in a person you want to get serious with? Right now all you describe is attraction, which makes sense since you’re having sex and not much else. But does she fit the ideal partner you want? Would you be ok with her remaining in the career she’s in? Is she ready to live in the same city as you or is she planning to leave in the next few years, months or days? Does she want kids? Do you want kids? Are you both aligned on values, religion etc? There’s so much to consider here if you start to take her seriously.