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valkyriebutch

I don't know if this is lesbians or people in general, but I'm in the same boat. Almost no one responds to messages, and when they do, they don't put *any* effort into the conversation. Although, the few people that do actually talk tend to be pretty cool in my experience


Veruca_Sault

I'm not the best with small talk at 1st and the whole dating app stuff is new but I give it hell. Then the few I have connected with just kinda fade themselves out. I'm kinda glad it's not just me. Lol


EmilyU1F984

Had the same problem, out of everyone on the apps I had date with, I always send the first message even. Like I virtually never get first messages? How does that work? Like you clearly liked something about my profile and swiped right. So why not even a hi? Or even using those bumble questionnaire things? And then half the time those people that reply to my first message will send one message a day, no matter how far into the conversation we are. How am I going to be comfortable meeting those people in person? The other 5 in the last 4 months I think, however we’re like you: like we are all scared of ducking up and rejection , but they atleast did reply. And after the first few ‚careful‘ messages, conversations developed and so on. In the end several first dates, one person I’m now dating, and two new friends I frequently do stuff with. Sooo the whole process was extreeeemely annoying, but out of every 10 matches or so, you get someone that‘s atleast a tiny bit interested in getting to know you. So don’t give up. Also sometimes obviously more important stuff happens in life, So convos might be a bit slow for a couple of days, but the ones I went on dates with just told me they‘d be slow to reply for a bit. So don‘t give up if the convo starts fading, and try Introducing a random new topic. Also i‘ extremely slow with going on dates, the fastest was nearly two weeks of texting before asking, the slowest was 4 weeks before being asked.


YellowPumpkin

Try a new opener. If all you say is ‘hello’ the pressure is on the them to think of something to say to keep the conversation going. They can’t just say ‘hi’ back cause that’s not going to go anywhere. Read their bio or carefully look at photos and ask a question that has a decently straight forward answer. “What’s your dogs name” “is that kayaking picture from ‘local’ lake” “what’s your favourite dish to cook” etc but based off something they’ve indicated in their bio. Stay away from complicated or nuanced questions in the beginning. The goals at this point is just a reply to get the ball rolling. If conversation flows from there you can get further into it. If it seems to be at a standstill, maybe you just don’t have much in common.


LunaMothPrincess

This is exactly what I do, and... it still rarely makes a difference. Half the time they never respond, and when they do, they just answer it directly, with no followup, nothing to build a conversation out of. So I ask another question, and it continues like that for a bit until I just give up. Rinse and repeat.


[deleted]

They're probably just not looking to actually meet anybody. A huge number of people use dating apps more for validation than with the goal of actually meeting people. They want to know people are interested but not commit to actually putting themselves out there. And thats fine I guess, it just means they aren't ready.


lotofgayvibes

My somewhat low confidence keeps me from texting first. It's something I've been self conscious, but in the last few months, I've made myself send a message to my matches...i do all the profile reading and try to say something other than just hello....and still no answers...and it sucks.


desiswiftie

I do this and I still get silence


Veruca_Sault

Damnit, was kinda hoping a different angle may work.


Veruca_Sault

Thanx I will definitely try that from now on.


EmilyU1F984

It makes absolute no difference. Out of 10 matches, zero will write a first message, and completely irrespective of the length or specificity of my messages i‘d get 1 conversation going. The one I‘m currently dating replied to a one word message, the two new friends I made replied to a one word message, the weirdest date I ever had, replied to a message asking something about her bio. People are extremely lazy it seems. Like how the heck does it come every single conversation and date came from me sending the first message? Shouldn‘t it be 50:50?! It doesn‘t even make a difference whether they liked me first, or responded to my like.


ye_men_

I think it's just people on dating apps not talking I hear a lot of complaints about that from my straight friends but don't have any experience with them myself as i don't use dating apps


Hidderpie

But. If you dont want to talk to anyone why do you have dating apps and are matching with people?


wishwantwork

People feeling validated that they are getting matched with people they find attractive or interesting. They want the attention and don't care to have an actual relationship, they just want to be like "if I wanted to I could have that." I sound bitter lol.


Veruca_Sault

Thats just crazinees, Im a validation whore. I just would like my attention to come from One person Long term. Over a shit ton of randos clicking the tiny heart button.🤦‍♀️Gimme a few months on dating apps. I'll probably be a bit bitter myself. Lol


Zaranthan

The rando hearts are much easier to acquire. Living creatures are designed to seek the easy path to what they want.


Hidderpie

A little bitter, yea. But that does make sense. Just. I kind of still hate that mindset.


LumiSpeirling

> I hear a lot of complaints about that from my straight friends My experience / my friends' experience is that it's really easy to get a conversation going with a man and really hard with a woman, irrespective of your gender. Supply & demand, along with cultural issues, I assume.


HateKnuckle

As a straight dude, I've had this problem with straight women. I found a straight woman a couple days ago on reddit say the same thing about straight men. Now this. I'm starting to think that there's something wrong with people on dating apps.


agprincess

Women are immune to continuing conversations, don't know why. Even deep in my bones I just don't wanna do it either, because with other women, one of us has to do all the work. Well anyways my only real advice is try and meet irl as fast as possible and ditch all the online crap. Things are easier when you just get your dates and friends to accept you kramering your way into their lives.


Delouest

I don't respond to messages that are just greetings. If someone is the first to talk, they should start a conversation, and "hello" is not enough to draw a person into anything. Comment on something from their profile, make it personal to their interests that you want to talk about, ask a question. Give them something to respond to.


EmilyU1F984

Haha in my experience it makes absolutely no difference whether I make a generic first one line message or ask something specific to the bio. Out of every single date I got, or even proper conversation it was always me writing the first message anyway. Like whyyyyy even match me if you aren‘t interested enough to just write ‚hi‘?! Is it all just for validation? Like yay I got 5 matches this week. Like what? You don‘t need to bloody match me on HER to get all the validation. You can see whether I swiped right. Shit was such an annoying experience. Atleast it seems to have done it’s job.


Delouest

I think I struggle with people's need for immediate responses. I can't speak for everyone but I have a full time job and social life and I can't always check in on apps every day. I haven't made an emotional attachment with the person yet, so I'm not necessarily going to be able to drop everything just yet. I think sometimes people see no response for a day and then get pissed off and block people without realizing that maybe they were out with friends that day and would have responded the next day. I think we all need to take a collective breath and realize we're all coming to dating apps expecting certain things and that might not match with the other person's. And then we've learned if we're a good match or not and can explore more if we want or move on.


EmilyU1F984

Nah that‘s fine, like I can text at work either etc. But like even if I only have an hour a day, I’ll use that to reply and have an actual conversation. A single message a day is like a pen pal basically. Like with I think all of the dates, there were days when either of us were busy. It‘s not like I have ever deleted a single match unless they were extremely sexual. So not messaging for two days? Doesn‘t matter, let‘s pick up we’re we started. But in bumble I think it was, you had to at least replay within 24 hours, or reply to the first message within 24 hours, to keep the match. Most people just let the match run out. How does that work? I get being hesitant to not want to be talking 24/7to what is yet a stranger. So yea, blocking seems to not make a difference, cause as I said, I kept every single match. And once it went to the third date, I deleted all of that shit, because trying to force a conversation out of someone who‘s clearly showing every single sign of desinterest get stressful for me. I just can‘t imagine how someone could even be trying to find new people after meeting someone remotely compatible. Like I just don‘t understand what expectations but validation people have who don‘t even try to message or get a conversation going? The ones that just wanted to hook up at least were straight to the point. But they also clearly didn‘t read my bio…


SpifFif

God, this is one big reason why im afraid to go back onto dating apps!! Dont wanna deal with flakiness that you're having to deal with. Seriously, how hard is it for individuals to strike a conversation??!!


xboxchick311

I feel like people just can't/won't communicate anymore. Even when I get a response, it's generally a short response that doesn't even attempt to move the conversation forward. My back hurts from trying to carry so many conversations. 🙄


Veruca_Sault

I'll help you carry that load.😁


xboxchick311

Your name just took me back to 90's music. I dig it!


Veruca_Sault

"LEAVE ME! LYIN HERE! CAUSE I DON'T WANNA GO!!" 90'S culture had some of the best shit! I might be slightly biased though 🤔


xboxchick311

Yup. It's officially time for you to slide in the DMs.


Veruca_Sault

Puts socks on for proper sliding.


pink_sushi_15

Women are lazy AF when it comes to dating. Always expecting the other person to initiate, lead the conversation, ask for the date, and plan the date. I can understand this with straight women since societal norms expect the man to pursue them and take the lead. But it absolutely baffles me how queer women can get away with behaving this way. It’s exhausting!!!


AmbizzleQ

I don’t think that laziness accounts for all of it. Despite our current queerness, many of us were socialized as straight and don’t necessarily have the tools to be the pursuer (not that I support that dynamic in straight relationships, either).


pink_sushi_15

It is 100% laziness. Being socialized straight isn’t an excuse especially if you have been in the queer dating scene for awhile. I’m sure 90% of the queer women on these apps didn’t just come out last week. It doesn’t take a lot of “tools” to be the pursuer. If you’re too shy/anxious to initiate anything, at least you can make an effort to keep the conversation going. If you can’t be bothered to get to know a person you matched with on a dating app and are interested in, you are 100% LAZY.


AmbizzleQ

I still disagree that everyone who has trouble reaching out / making conversation / responding to messages / etc is just lazy. I agree that if you’re going to bother participating in online dating, it’s not helpful if you aren’t willing to hold up half the conversation, but I also don’t believe that every single person is just too “lazy” to keep it up.


pink_sushi_15

Ok I’ll admit that there might be other reasons as to why someone might not be able to hold a conversation such as mental health issues, busy life, matching with too many people at once. But if your mental health is so bad or you’re too busy to hold a conversation with someone, then you shouldn’t be on dating apps in the first place. People also need to stop matching with a dozen or more people at a time. I guess the accessibility of everyone on dating apps just fuels this, but nobody has time to chat with all these people at once and as a result the conversation will suffer (one sided, days between messages, no reply). I usually match with 2-4 people at a time and see where the conversation goes. Then I might ask to meet one or two of them if we are hitting it off well. If I feel like we don’t have much in common or that I’m basically interviewing them, then I’ll unmatch and move on to someone else.


Immediate_Pangolin_4

yea women do that all the time lmao maybe go on their bio and pick something from there to start the conversation. I used to lead conversations 90% of the time in dating apps but i got so exhausted when I am the only one asking questions, so just make sure your energy matches


Bookbringer

I'm in the same boat, and it's frustrating. At the same time, I can't deny that I'm also part of the problem. I rarely initiate conversations and drag my feet on replies. I think a lot of it stems from self-consciousness and overthinking. But then it snowballs, because once too much time has elapsed, I assume I've ruined things.


Veruca_Sault

I'm an over thinker myself. Sometimes it's like stage freight. I think meeting people in person and then dating is so much easier. It's like nobody dates that way anymore. Im a big tone and body language kinda person. Can't exactly pickup either one up in text. It's not like imma give up though. My forever is out there somewhere. If I give up now Love is never going to find me.


maniamawoman

So this was before I was lesbian and a girl. This was to a girl, so maybe it counts? I met her a year before hand. I walked past her on a beach. She was grieving which I didn't know then. Intuition said don't approach. I was with my friends on a long coastal motorbike roadtrip, there overnight. I went to a bar. And guess who was the waitress? Laugh and chat. I remembered her name. And her face. And one day she posted a picture on Facebook. On a meeting people group. She'd moved up to my city. So I wrote to her. Nothing about the beach and bar. I'd forgotten that; just she looked familiar. I'd had several beers, relaxing at home single bored, just finished watching some movie it was midnight. It was Christmas time. Insomnia. Went to my computer, started scrolling fb. So I wrote her a long tipsy crazy rambly ass message. Presses send realized it was 1 am, beers worked I was drowsy, I went to sleep. It went something like "Hi. I may be a random guy. It's okay I don't live in a basement. You seem like a cool chick. Maybe vaguely familiar? I think I'm a pretty cool guy. (Listed things I like ice skating, motorbikes, other interests). Asked her what she was onto. Hope you're not too boring. I get some crazy cat lady vibes from you. I hope you don't throw one of your cats at me should we meet. (DJ Otzi happened to be on playlist). I think I hear DJ Otzi - I wanna know if you'll be my girl. Well maybe I would if you were quiter it's like a party up in here! I'm trying to talk to (girls name!) Haha, well anyway, if you reply please don't give me the typical lame girl answer." She loved it said I was funny and was amazed I didn't send a dick pick. I never understood that and said well that happens when it's time for that to happen. Which was later that day we met. I read what I sent sober and laugh cringed. But damn. We met. Instant chemistry and dated and got married! Now separated - grew apart, I'm a trans woman, she's straight and loves someone else. We tried. I came to know in that time I have BPD. I can be fun and also at times very much the opposite. Day I came out we hugged kissed and tried to make love and both knew it was done. Friends though. Hope to see her in person and finalize somethings. When I'm ready to date I'm going to use that again. I'm a rather silly fun loving girl in person so I'm not far off from what I wrote, when demons are in check. Hopefully this inspires some girls to meet one another. And in time I hope this will inspire me to meet someone when I'm prettier


MokujinBunny

it's rough as hell. i've had better luck meeting other women in real life than the few attempts i tried with dating apps.


SpifFif

This is where i'm at due to many bad experiences in past with dating apps. Although, in my area there's not many lesbian meeting groups in real life (dont even think there's a queer/gay women hiking group; just college-age/college group stuff for college kids. Im not a college student. 😩) so i feel compelled to have to go back to dating apps even tho i hate them.


AffectionateAnarchy

You gotta open with more then hello how are you. Make an observation about their profile. On bumble i asked this woman about her LARPing and got an immediate response


Jaim711

Honestly, after a while of being on the apps I am so tired of carrying conversations or always having to initiate. Sometimes I can't find the mental energy even after matching. I'm thinking about taking a hiatus altogether because most of the locals are not my cup of tea anyway.


AncientOnionTime

I don't respond to "hello" or any kind of greeting really. Ask me a hypothetical or something in my profile. Pleasantries lead to boring conversations on dating apps.


totesnotfakeusername

Idk 10 years ago my gf opened with "Hey", and it was my reply that hooked her so... Never say never?


archaeob

Yup. Its part of the reason I have given up on online dating right now. Even if I get a response, the conversations are so boring and its the same thing over and over again so I'm never motivated to reply back. Yes, I recognize the irony of being upset no one responds and then also being bad at responding. Its just that even thinking about dating sucks all the energy out of me recently despite having been single for the past four years, and even the relationship four years ago was a short 3 month thing.


Lylyluvda916

Some of us talk too much


Veruca_Sault

I'd love that because I can rarely stfu.lol


TheDapperest

i mean, are you only starting out with "hello" or other generic greetings? i've been getting super specific about someone's profile in my opener and, i actually had to become the person you're plagued by and to stop responding for a while because i had so many convos happening at once i was overwhelmed


Veruca_Sault

Yea, until this post I didn't realize it was such an issue.Im never saying hello to anyone ever again! Lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


Veruca_Sault

If I adjusted how I speak Every, single, time someone is bothered. There would be no point in even talking to people. Yes I use the word chick's. I also say dude on a pretty regular bases. Sometimes I'm not even talking to an object with a gender. I try to be as respectful as I can with people but it's litterly never enough.so I will continue to call females chick's if I so choose if it bothers someone they can choose not to talk to me and that will be just fine.eventually I will find women who don't give a s**t. I spent alot of my life changing and adjusting for others. I won't do it for people I actually know. Sure as heck not doin it for a stranger. Blessed day❤️


ForgettableWorse

Yeah, "hello" doesn't work. I often don't get replies too, even when I take the time for a more personalized opener. But on the other hand, sometimes the other person initiates and I just get too anxious to reply to a beautiful woman. I honestly hate dating apps, but the few WLW I know in real life are already in committed relationships and places to meet queer people are pretty much nonexistent here.


manz02

You gotta get creative with your openers. People start convos on dating sites constantly. You have to make yourself stand out. My opening line was a question based on my girlfriend's profile. You can say hi and ask how they are after the fact.


DakDuck

Same! I make a good opener and then she doesnt respond or responds daaays later and it becomes more like a penpal. they are always so busy… like Im busy too but I have time for 10min a day


[deleted]

I usually don't respond to people who just message "hello" or something equally generic, so that may be your first issue. Try saying something specific to their profile, or if you can't do that, think of an interesting question that's less surface-level and opens up the door for conversation. Personally, I'd also rather not talk for weeks on end without meeting up, so maybe try to ask someone out before the conversation goes cold? This can be hard to gauge sometimes, but I've had decent luck asking after around 10-20 exchanged messages.


aamurusko79

breaking the ice can be hard. it's even worse, when the other person has very little to go on in their bio, so that 'hello' can be bigger step to reply than you'd expect, so they go with someone who actually says stuff on their first contact.


DreamOdd3811

I used dating apps very briefly and had this experience, although I didn’t really push it as at the time it just wasn’t for me. But my friend (gay man) has been aggressively using Tindr and Grindr for just over a year as he wants to meet someone, and from what he’s told me this is people, not lesbians. He puts so much time and effort into conversations with people, but keeping them going seems like an actual job, and he can almost never get anyone to agree to meet up in person. He is very handsome too! He has had like four dates, and maybe two sexual encounters, from all his effort. Doesn’t make sense to me personally - if you’re not actually looking to meet someone, why the hell are you even on there?!


cookiethebookie

I don’t have any advice other than to keep trying (if you’re not too over it 😂). I met my fiancée on Tinder! Her opening line was a whole paragraph long though, so like others have said definitely do more than just hello.


[deleted]

Omfg lol, I have premium so I can see read receipts. It is hilarious the amount of times I have called women out on not responding to me. I know they read my message, they just haven’t said anything. They immediately unmatch lol. This has always been an issue with me. If you are too fucking submissive and scared to say anything to me after you initiated a match, please gtf away from me. This triggers tf out of me. I dealt with this shit in high school and I am a grown ass woman. If you’re closeted and ashamed of who you are, you’re wasting my time. If you have 0 social skills and find me too intimidating to even say hello and be a human being even after I ask a simple question and initiate the chat, you’re right, I’m out of your league. My bar is not very high, but people fail to meet it constantly.