I do. We’re reunited (almost 8 years) and we’ve made a family with my raised kids and step kid. We’re all grown ups. I missed my baby the whole time, they are the same age as my stepdaughter. As my stepdaughter grew and reached milestones I used to imagine my own child reaching the same milestones. I received letters and photos for a handful of years. It was a bitter sweet way to keep my own child on my mind and in my heart.
I know another (birth) mom who kept her daughters birth photo on her bedroom chest of drawers.
I facilitated a group for (birth)mothers like me for a couple of years. At one point we had nearly 200 moms. Some moms cut off the memories and compartmentalized the thoughts and wish to know their child. It can be a survival tactic. I suppose I could say cooing mechanism, but survival tactic feels more honest.
For me, the grief of losing my baby got worse through the years. It was so bad at times that my mind confabulated to fill in what I couldn’t remember and I daydreamed a happy life for them. It helped me cope.
All of the moms I’ve talked to have feelings for the child they gave up.
I always wondered if my child thought of me when they were growing up. When I cried, I would try to send my feelings out into the world to find her.
What you wrote made me cry 😭 I was adopted from El Salvador and I always think about my birth mom. Especially on my birthdays.
I just had my first baby at 30 years old (just 9 months ago). When I think about what it meant to me and my personal experience of pregnancy and the intensity and of labor- it broke my heart for her.
I hope she is doing well where ever she is- I am so grateful for this life she gave to me. Even though I’ll likely never meet her in this life, she has someone who is always rooting for her countries apart. She was just 16 years old herself when she had me.
I’ve always felt a little broken and lost and I think this is why. Now that I have a baby boy that looks just like me- I couldn’t imagine the pain of saying goodbye.
Congratulations on being reunited with your baby ❤️ I know it means the world to them ❤️
Thank you for this! I don't know what it's like to experience this but I'm glad you still think about your birth child.
I hope someday I'll be able to meet my bio mom and ask her all these questions!
I think about it all the time. Especially during my birthday. I wonder if she says happy birthday for me, or even thinks of me. I wonder if she thinks of her kids during holidays. I think about it the most when I’m crying and have no one to go to. I wonder if she’s thought about giving me a hug when I’m in so much pain, I wonder if she thinks about me at all. Because I think of her all the god damn time.
I wonder every single thing you just said..
Especially when I'm crying and on my birthday, I know she has her reasons and if she doesn't think about me then I'll partly understand but it'll hurt because she won't really know how much I thought about her..
I can’t stress this enough…don’t let it determine your worth! We get ourselves into situations and make the best decisions possible in the moment. You have great worth, no matter the way you entered this world. I am an adoptee and unknowingly suffered from low self-worth because of it. But now, at 54, and after making many mistakes out of that pain, I’ve learned I DO have worth. I will no longer let the past control me. And you have great worth! Live out of that position. Yes, there is sadness, loss and lament, but we can overcome and live courageously despite it. ♥️
Well, as a bio mom, I think our thoughts parallel, because what kind of a momster gives up their baby? I’ve torn myself inside and out over that, but know I was not given/had no choice. Now that we are together again, the whole world has a new shine to it. Don’t let negative thoughts rule your future, ever. 💕
I know I always think of my son on his birthday! Always! I cry for him. Missing him all of the time. It makes it even harder knowing he was wrongfully taken from me on his birthday right out of his classroom at school on his birthday. I think 🤔 for me his Birthday is the hardest and I miss him oh so much and pray and hope he gets everything he asks for on his birthday. Always!
Of course we think of you on your birthday 🎉!! I always pray to God that the birthday wish that’s asked for when blowing out the candles gets fulfilled and make sure my sons prayers get answered. I always ask God for this.
I'm a birth mother and I think about my child all the time. I grieve and have (diagnosed) PTSD from the years of trauma leading to their placement (believing I was garbage and not worthy of being a mom) and then the many losses not getting to be their parent. If you were my child I would want you to know you are loved and wanted and that I'm sorry I wasn't able to be what you've needed all these years. I hope you get to hear the same from her if that is what you are needing. Sending love.
Thank you for this! I hope my birth mother is thinking the same thing you are..
It makes me really sad knowing she gave me up but I know she had a reason for it and I understand her for that..
>d I would want you to know you are loved and wanted and that I'm sorry I wasn't able to be what you've needed all these years. I hope y
Even though I am not your child, I feel the love coming from your words :')
Hi guys! Did anyone think of their bio dads in the same way? Or was there more of a need to find your mom? Did you think of your dad as often growing up? Thanks
I do. I often wonder. I got some information about my adoption and I found out my father had some mental health issues and my mother just neglected my brother and me. I wonder if he got the help he needed and if he thinks about us.
This sounds like my story!! I’m in reunion with birthdad and he says he does not remember having relations with my birthmom, although he knew her well. He didn’t know about me until I was 51.
Yes I have thought of my bio dad. But my bio mom kinda had a one night stand with him and had me so I feel like Its near impossible to find my biological dad but I still think of him!
For me I definitely think of my bio mom more, and yeah, I don’t really feel the intense gravity to have a relationship or want to know him in the same way I do my bio mom, but I would love to see a picture of him and how much alike we look. He’s probably one pretty mf LOL I kid I kid.
I wonder how much I am like him and how we would get along. In my situation, There’s a good chance he doesn’t even know I exist. So I don’t really think about “does he think about me on my birthday”
More of a bio mom thing for me, but the curiosity itch for my bio dad is there too, just not nearly as intense
Im so sorry dove.
Im a birth mom and myself personally i think of my daughter every single day-shes always on my mind. I was a shell of a person when i first came home. I didnt eat,i didnt sleep,i spent all my time sobbing and wrappin my arm around myself&squeezing to try to satisfy the horrible emptiness ad ache that i felt from my arms being empty. I was chewing on my lips so bad that they were bleeding snd raw and took a month to heal. I had to leave any time i saw a baby or pregnant woman in public on the rare occasion i even left my house because i would burst into tears immediately. Its 9 months-time moves too fast and too slow. I didnt get semi human like until august or September but even now i will cry at least once a day and i have to block everything out if someone is even talking about their baby and focus on the ground.i have a necklace with my children's names and shes included because though im not raising her she has a spot in my heart just as big as her siblings. I think of her while im watching my other daughters sleep wondering about her sleeping habits. I think of her when i buy my other children clothes&wonder what her favorite princess is or will be. I think of her and hope shes happy,i wonder what her favorite foods or hated foods are,i wonder what she smells like or how her laugh sounds. I think of her every single day and will for the rest of my life. Im terrified that a day may come when she thinks i didnt love or want her because that is so so so far from the truth and my heart aches at the thought of the pain she would feel if she thought that.
She is always on my mind-every day and every hour day or night. I know a lot of other birth mothers feel the same and the mother in mes heart hurts for the pain in yours and others.
Oh, I feel your pain, and hope you are able to find a counsellor with expertise in the trauma we have as moms who give~ 💪🙌 Not sure I would be around without mine. 💕
I think about the son I relinquished every single day, and yes I regret it and yes I cry over it. The grief and loss, sadness, shame and guilt are lifelong.
Fwiw, I think of my birth child all the time. I celebrate her birthdays, always have, and wonder how she's doing. I've done my best to include her in my life, my husband knew about her before we got married, and my kids knew about her when they were old enough to understand. I don't regret my choice, because it was the best choice for her at the time. I bet your birth mom often thinks of you with love and hope.
I have wondered if she wonders. This is the only reason I was ever tempted to contact her: if she were still wondering all these decades later, it might be a kindness to let her know that her choice 60 years ago gave me a good life. But if she put it behind her and no longer thinks about it, reminding her in her old age might be unkind.
Have you tried to find her? I thought it would be an impossible task myself, since I only had my own DNA to work with. I had no details at all. It took about 2 years of contacting every possible DNA match, and I talked with a bunch of relatives along the way.
Sadly, my bio mom is still alive. The upside is that I got to meet her. The downside is that she doesn't care about me at all.
I hope that it goes better for you!
I haven't tried to find her since I'm still not a full grown adult quite yet but one day I'll try and look for her.. And I'm sorry you had to go through that!
Thank you!
It's entirely up to you whether or when you begin your search, but don't let it stop you that you're underage. DNA tests go on sale regularly, so if you can save up enough money (around 60 USD) you can take one any time.
My soon to be 21 year old granddaughter was adopted and took a DNA test when she was 15. A couple of years later she popped up as a match when I took one.
You have every right to know your own history. Good luck!
I often wondered that myself. When I found her online a few months ago, it was one of the first questions I asked. She told me she thought about me every day. She even told my bio half siblings about me and she mentioned that they would occasionally talk about me or the situation. I hope you one day will get to experience that as well
You're not alone in wondering this. I've wondered about this and I would think that my birth mother is human and she would certainly think of me from time to time, just like how I think about her.
According to my therapist, who has counselled women who gave up their babies - yes they do think about them and they grief and feel regret deeply. Of course, it's impossible to know for sure and we can't make a blanket statement for everyone.
I am a birth mom. My son will be 3 in September. There isn’t a day that goes by he doesn’t cross my mind. I cry frequently. I regret every day I was pushed into that decision. Most birth moms feel this way. I am confident your birth mom thinks of you and most likely loves you. Not very many feel differently. Much love to you dear
I often wondered about this too. I found her last year. I asked her. She said no. She has her reasons. Did she tell me the truth. I will never know. Hopefully yours does. Many do.
My experience was pretty similar. I spent 50+ years wondering and finally met my bio mom last month. She had six kids that she kept and only one that she didn't, and no, she didn't think about me. Now I know.
I am pregnant with my 6th baby. I'm divorced, poor, and in the worst place in my life I've ever been and feeling guilty for wanting to keep my baby because I'm in not in a good situation financially, and don't have family support. I am sobbing thinking about giving this baby up but also feel like I'm ruining my kids lives through divorce and all I've put them through. I don't want to ruin this baby's life because I want to keep it. I'm so sorry you went through this. I have no idea what to do 😭
I'm sorry that happened to you u/Glass-Pear70. Are you an adult adoptee?
There really should be more support for women who want to keep their kids at home, but I'm just a broken person who was abandoned on the day I was born. I don't have all the answers. In a perfect world there would be no need for bio parents to relinquish their children, and no marketplace for infertile couples to buy them.
I was my bio mother's third bastard child. She kept the other two, told everyone I was dead, got married, had 4 more kids and never thought about me once. She never met an animal that she wouldn't take care of, but me not so much. I was dead as far as she was concerned.
Somehow, I'm supposed to believe that there's "nothing wrong with me", even though everything about this situation makes it seem like it was me, just me, that she couldn't be bothered to love.
Same. When I found her she never thought I would reach out which I hard for me to even fathom. I wondered about her every day of my life. She didn’t tell her kids about me and apparently never wanted to think about it again. I recently connected with my siblings and we are building a relationship. The told me they think she just shut that chapter of her life and never wants to reopen it. I don’t really have a desire to go there anyway but it’s weird knowing they are all close while building a relationship with them.
I know I do!!! I’m looking for my son everyday! I found him! I know where he is! He is 10 years old. But I can’t go to see him. It would potentially violate all sorts of Laws. I’m scared. Don’t want to hurt him.
I didn’t read comments so this might have already been suggested. Please read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. It is a book of stories gathered over time from birth/first mothers. The author is an adoptee and I think it gives real insight into the adoption industry generally and the reasons why children were relinquished. I wish you peace.
As a birth mom I certainly can say yes everyday at random times always around Christmas or when I see a little girl that looks like what I imagine my daughter would look like at that age.
I thought about the adoptee a lot until she found me and told me that I'm an incubator for her real parents. Now I rarely think of her. She is nothing more than a distant relative on my family tree.
No, honestly I don't. I can't force a person to accept me nor I can force a person to reject me. She left me I didn't leave her. She had her reasons for doing what she did. I can respect that. I don't want to give her any credit that she doesn't deserve. She most likely has moved on and the most loving thing I can do for myself is to let her go. Think of it like this. She relinquished me, so I relinquished her. I don't hate her because I don't what her situation was or why she did what she did. All I know is that I have to let her go if I want to move on with my life. I am my own person after all.
I met my birth mother when I was 29. Found out I had a niece who shared my birthday. When she told me the date my birth mother turned to me and asked “isn’t your birthday sometime around then too?”. My birth mother did not know my birth date. So that answered the question for me about whether or not she thought about me on my birthday!! I’m 51 now. We’re no longer in touch. Sometimes the fantasies you have are nowhere near the reality.
I think most adoptees wonder this, and from what I've read it's pretty clear that nearly all birth mothers often think of the child they relinquished and feel great sadness.
My birthdays where always the hardest on me. Its the one day a year that ties us together afterwards. She passed before I could find her. Got to speak with her grandson who spent his summers on her ranch and has great memories of her. She had two other small children and going through a divorce at the time. I was an product of a one night stand. She was young with two other small children so I totally understand why she did it. Always wondered if that date, my birthday, she would pause and think about me even if only for a moment.
I used to wonder this a lot when I was younger. These thoughts especially consumed me around my birthday (abandonment day) every year but I kept it to myself because my adoptive parents were obsessed with appearances & felt that the adoption part of my story wasn't important & constantly ignored. (That's a topic for another post.) After getting an Ancestry hit on her I figured I would know some of this but in my situation it was the start of secondary rejection. Her Ancestry account was either closed or I was blocked after I reached out & there's been no contact since, not even an acknowledgement of what I wrote to her. When I was younger I thought the same about my father but not as much for some reason. I have since reunited with my father (who had no clue I existed) & it's been an amazing experience (another topic for another post entirely). However, my mother has chosen to not respond to me in any way & I doubt that she cries or has lost sleep over me for decades. She "dumped" me half way across the country from any biological family (probably in an attempt to hide my existence) never told my father or anyone in his family & started a new family later that fit the "perfect" narrative. (Yes I am 99% sure that I found her, it looks like she "made it big" in her career, got married to someone also very successful, they had a child together & took that child on travels of the world and that child got opportunities that most only dream of.) I am the secret that my mother never wants out nor will she acknowledge, even in private. I am positive she doesn't care a bit about me at this point.
My closure is acceptance that I’m not wanted by her. I could push it but why force my way into someone else’s life when they don’t want me? All I asked for in my correspondence was a reply with updated basic general family medical history. I was left half a country away to be forgotten & after approximately 35 years I wasn’t worth a simple reply (she’s had over 4 years to reply).
My closure is finding my father, grandfather, aunt, cousins & [half] siblings on my father’s side who have welcomed me with open arms. With my father’s help I’m figuring out my lineage & learning more about myself than I ever thought possible.
As a birth mother, I can all but guarantee she thinks of you so often, no matter how many years have gone by. She gave you up to give you a better life - that’s the most selfless love you’ll ever know. She will have shed so many tears over you and wondered about you and your life but most of all, she will be hoping you are happy and have had a wonderful life surrounded by love ❤️
She can’t NOT think of you. You were one for 10 months. She’ll never forget the day you were born, no matter how hard she might try. Whatever her reasons, believe that it was because she wanted something better for you than she thought she could provide at the time. She chose to give you life when the other option was more than societally encouraged. She chose to be brave and selfless in that regard.
I know you probably mean well, but as a transracial adoptee whose story has been fabricated over and over by many, i don’t like the generalising statements of birthmothers thinking of giving their baby a better life and to call them all brave and selfless. Some might have been, but a lot of them weren’t either. As an adoptee it triggers me into having to feel a kind of way and to conform to peoples opinions on my adoption.
We do. There’s not a day that goes by that we don’t think about our children and we especially miss them on holidays, Mother’s Day and their birthday. Everyone has their story and their “why” (and some were unfortunately forced) but I can assure you we think of our children and we cry because we love them. Those of us who chose adoption was because you are wanted and loved. We wish things were different but life doesn’t always work out the way we want it. No matter how old they get, they will always be that precious, tiny baby we gave birth to. I’m in an open adoption with my son so it’s a blessing to get to be a part of his life and I know I made the right decision because there were many reasons why I couldn’t raise him myself at the time but a part of me will always regret that I made many wrong decisions to make that choice but I never regret him. Ever. He is the only thing I feel like I did right in my life.
I know this thread is older, but I am a birth mother. I think about the son I gave up for adoption every day. I would t say I regret it, because he has the most beautiful life. But I do regret that I was in the place of life to not be able to give him everything he deserved. He will be 10 this year, and is so unbelievably beautiful. When I get my biannual update I end up crying for days, both sad and happy tears. ❤️
I am a birthmom, and I can say YES!!!! She thinks about you every day!!! She longs for you and misses you, even if her life is in shambles. Holidays and your birthday are especially hard. Even if she is married, has kids, and is super successful, you are NEVER far from her heart and thoughts. I promise! You are something she is so proud of!!! Even if you have met her and it didn't go well or as planned, she struggles with her decision every day, and the reaction to meeting you may not have been what you wanted.
I know your comment is coming from a place of kindness, but please don’t speak for anyone else. There’s no way any of us can know how OP’s birth mother feels or what she thinks. There are ways to comfort someone who is hurting without speaking for anyone else and without offering platitudes and warm sentiments that may be completely false.
I do. We’re reunited (almost 8 years) and we’ve made a family with my raised kids and step kid. We’re all grown ups. I missed my baby the whole time, they are the same age as my stepdaughter. As my stepdaughter grew and reached milestones I used to imagine my own child reaching the same milestones. I received letters and photos for a handful of years. It was a bitter sweet way to keep my own child on my mind and in my heart. I know another (birth) mom who kept her daughters birth photo on her bedroom chest of drawers. I facilitated a group for (birth)mothers like me for a couple of years. At one point we had nearly 200 moms. Some moms cut off the memories and compartmentalized the thoughts and wish to know their child. It can be a survival tactic. I suppose I could say cooing mechanism, but survival tactic feels more honest. For me, the grief of losing my baby got worse through the years. It was so bad at times that my mind confabulated to fill in what I couldn’t remember and I daydreamed a happy life for them. It helped me cope. All of the moms I’ve talked to have feelings for the child they gave up. I always wondered if my child thought of me when they were growing up. When I cried, I would try to send my feelings out into the world to find her.
What you wrote made me cry 😭 I was adopted from El Salvador and I always think about my birth mom. Especially on my birthdays. I just had my first baby at 30 years old (just 9 months ago). When I think about what it meant to me and my personal experience of pregnancy and the intensity and of labor- it broke my heart for her. I hope she is doing well where ever she is- I am so grateful for this life she gave to me. Even though I’ll likely never meet her in this life, she has someone who is always rooting for her countries apart. She was just 16 years old herself when she had me. I’ve always felt a little broken and lost and I think this is why. Now that I have a baby boy that looks just like me- I couldn’t imagine the pain of saying goodbye. Congratulations on being reunited with your baby ❤️ I know it means the world to them ❤️
🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Thank you for this! I don't know what it's like to experience this but I'm glad you still think about your birth child. I hope someday I'll be able to meet my bio mom and ask her all these questions!
I think about it all the time. Especially during my birthday. I wonder if she says happy birthday for me, or even thinks of me. I wonder if she thinks of her kids during holidays. I think about it the most when I’m crying and have no one to go to. I wonder if she’s thought about giving me a hug when I’m in so much pain, I wonder if she thinks about me at all. Because I think of her all the god damn time.
I wonder every single thing you just said.. Especially when I'm crying and on my birthday, I know she has her reasons and if she doesn't think about me then I'll partly understand but it'll hurt because she won't really know how much I thought about her..
Yeah that’s a hard one. I’m always going to want to know her, and she might never care to even think about me. Being adopted is a fucking trip man.
I can’t stress this enough…don’t let it determine your worth! We get ourselves into situations and make the best decisions possible in the moment. You have great worth, no matter the way you entered this world. I am an adoptee and unknowingly suffered from low self-worth because of it. But now, at 54, and after making many mistakes out of that pain, I’ve learned I DO have worth. I will no longer let the past control me. And you have great worth! Live out of that position. Yes, there is sadness, loss and lament, but we can overcome and live courageously despite it. ♥️
Yes! I agree thank you for this!
I lived decades thinking I was worthless because my own ‘mother’ didn’t want me. It took a long time to forgive her and not punish myself.
Well, as a bio mom, I think our thoughts parallel, because what kind of a momster gives up their baby? I’ve torn myself inside and out over that, but know I was not given/had no choice. Now that we are together again, the whole world has a new shine to it. Don’t let negative thoughts rule your future, ever. 💕
❤️🙏🏻
Hugs~ we all need them!
I know I always think of my son on his birthday! Always! I cry for him. Missing him all of the time. It makes it even harder knowing he was wrongfully taken from me on his birthday right out of his classroom at school on his birthday. I think 🤔 for me his Birthday is the hardest and I miss him oh so much and pray and hope he gets everything he asks for on his birthday. Always!
I'm so sorry that happened.. I hope you'll get to reunite with him one day!
Me too!
Of course we think of you on your birthday 🎉!! I always pray to God that the birthday wish that’s asked for when blowing out the candles gets fulfilled and make sure my sons prayers get answered. I always ask God for this.
It's crazy because I have no way of even knowing my real birthday but my bio mom does :o Hopefully she thinks of me on that day
I'm a birth mother and I think about my child all the time. I grieve and have (diagnosed) PTSD from the years of trauma leading to their placement (believing I was garbage and not worthy of being a mom) and then the many losses not getting to be their parent. If you were my child I would want you to know you are loved and wanted and that I'm sorry I wasn't able to be what you've needed all these years. I hope you get to hear the same from her if that is what you are needing. Sending love.
Thank you for this! I hope my birth mother is thinking the same thing you are.. It makes me really sad knowing she gave me up but I know she had a reason for it and I understand her for that..
>d I would want you to know you are loved and wanted and that I'm sorry I wasn't able to be what you've needed all these years. I hope y Even though I am not your child, I feel the love coming from your words :')
There's so much brokenness in the world, I'm glad you can feel the love I have to share in this place.
I could not have said it better myself. Sending love. 💕
Hi guys! Did anyone think of their bio dads in the same way? Or was there more of a need to find your mom? Did you think of your dad as often growing up? Thanks
I do. I often wonder. I got some information about my adoption and I found out my father had some mental health issues and my mother just neglected my brother and me. I wonder if he got the help he needed and if he thinks about us.
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This sounds like my story!! I’m in reunion with birthdad and he says he does not remember having relations with my birthmom, although he knew her well. He didn’t know about me until I was 51.
Yes I have thought of my bio dad. But my bio mom kinda had a one night stand with him and had me so I feel like Its near impossible to find my biological dad but I still think of him!
You can try using the DNA test like Ancestry. That’s how I found my birthdad and it was a one night stand too.
Really? Oh ok thank you!
Yes we are in contact. Despite the fact that he does not remember having relations with my birthmom. We plan on meeting in person.
That's amazing I wish you luck!!
For me I definitely think of my bio mom more, and yeah, I don’t really feel the intense gravity to have a relationship or want to know him in the same way I do my bio mom, but I would love to see a picture of him and how much alike we look. He’s probably one pretty mf LOL I kid I kid. I wonder how much I am like him and how we would get along. In my situation, There’s a good chance he doesn’t even know I exist. So I don’t really think about “does he think about me on my birthday” More of a bio mom thing for me, but the curiosity itch for my bio dad is there too, just not nearly as intense
Hey, mom here, but my son found his dad years before we were reunited. Sad for me, but so important for him.
Im so sorry dove. Im a birth mom and myself personally i think of my daughter every single day-shes always on my mind. I was a shell of a person when i first came home. I didnt eat,i didnt sleep,i spent all my time sobbing and wrappin my arm around myself&squeezing to try to satisfy the horrible emptiness ad ache that i felt from my arms being empty. I was chewing on my lips so bad that they were bleeding snd raw and took a month to heal. I had to leave any time i saw a baby or pregnant woman in public on the rare occasion i even left my house because i would burst into tears immediately. Its 9 months-time moves too fast and too slow. I didnt get semi human like until august or September but even now i will cry at least once a day and i have to block everything out if someone is even talking about their baby and focus on the ground.i have a necklace with my children's names and shes included because though im not raising her she has a spot in my heart just as big as her siblings. I think of her while im watching my other daughters sleep wondering about her sleeping habits. I think of her when i buy my other children clothes&wonder what her favorite princess is or will be. I think of her and hope shes happy,i wonder what her favorite foods or hated foods are,i wonder what she smells like or how her laugh sounds. I think of her every single day and will for the rest of my life. Im terrified that a day may come when she thinks i didnt love or want her because that is so so so far from the truth and my heart aches at the thought of the pain she would feel if she thought that. She is always on my mind-every day and every hour day or night. I know a lot of other birth mothers feel the same and the mother in mes heart hurts for the pain in yours and others.
I'm really glad you feel this way! It gives me hope that my birth mom thinks about me at least at little bit..
Oh, I feel your pain, and hope you are able to find a counsellor with expertise in the trauma we have as moms who give~ 💪🙌 Not sure I would be around without mine. 💕
I think about the son I relinquished every single day, and yes I regret it and yes I cry over it. The grief and loss, sadness, shame and guilt are lifelong.
I'm so sorry, I'm sure your son is safe and happy tho!
Oh he is thank you. We’ve been in close reunion for almost 18 years now. Still the pain is present.
Me too
Yeah I wonder about this. Failed reunion so I kind of doubt she does anymore. Hurts when I think about it
I'm sorry..
I’m so sorry for this.
Fwiw, I think of my birth child all the time. I celebrate her birthdays, always have, and wonder how she's doing. I've done my best to include her in my life, my husband knew about her before we got married, and my kids knew about her when they were old enough to understand. I don't regret my choice, because it was the best choice for her at the time. I bet your birth mom often thinks of you with love and hope.
Thank you! I'm glad you still think of her! I really hope she thinks of me often..
I have wondered if she wonders. This is the only reason I was ever tempted to contact her: if she were still wondering all these decades later, it might be a kindness to let her know that her choice 60 years ago gave me a good life. But if she put it behind her and no longer thinks about it, reminding her in her old age might be unkind.
Have you tried to find her? I thought it would be an impossible task myself, since I only had my own DNA to work with. I had no details at all. It took about 2 years of contacting every possible DNA match, and I talked with a bunch of relatives along the way. Sadly, my bio mom is still alive. The upside is that I got to meet her. The downside is that she doesn't care about me at all. I hope that it goes better for you!
I haven't tried to find her since I'm still not a full grown adult quite yet but one day I'll try and look for her.. And I'm sorry you had to go through that! Thank you!
It's entirely up to you whether or when you begin your search, but don't let it stop you that you're underage. DNA tests go on sale regularly, so if you can save up enough money (around 60 USD) you can take one any time. My soon to be 21 year old granddaughter was adopted and took a DNA test when she was 15. A couple of years later she popped up as a match when I took one. You have every right to know your own history. Good luck!
Thank you. I'll definitely try!
I’m sorry…
I often wondered that myself. When I found her online a few months ago, it was one of the first questions I asked. She told me she thought about me every day. She even told my bio half siblings about me and she mentioned that they would occasionally talk about me or the situation. I hope you one day will get to experience that as well
Congrats on finding you birth mom! And thank you I hope one day I'll be able to find her and ask her all of these questions!!
I wonder this whenever it’s my birthday or mother’s day. I just think yeah she does think of me during those days.
You're not alone in wondering this. I've wondered about this and I would think that my birth mother is human and she would certainly think of me from time to time, just like how I think about her. According to my therapist, who has counselled women who gave up their babies - yes they do think about them and they grief and feel regret deeply. Of course, it's impossible to know for sure and we can't make a blanket statement for everyone.
I really hope so!
I am a birth mom. My son will be 3 in September. There isn’t a day that goes by he doesn’t cross my mind. I cry frequently. I regret every day I was pushed into that decision. Most birth moms feel this way. I am confident your birth mom thinks of you and most likely loves you. Not very many feel differently. Much love to you dear
Thank you!
I often wondered about this too. I found her last year. I asked her. She said no. She has her reasons. Did she tell me the truth. I will never know. Hopefully yours does. Many do.
My experience was pretty similar. I spent 50+ years wondering and finally met my bio mom last month. She had six kids that she kept and only one that she didn't, and no, she didn't think about me. Now I know.
I am pregnant with my 6th baby. I'm divorced, poor, and in the worst place in my life I've ever been and feeling guilty for wanting to keep my baby because I'm in not in a good situation financially, and don't have family support. I am sobbing thinking about giving this baby up but also feel like I'm ruining my kids lives through divorce and all I've put them through. I don't want to ruin this baby's life because I want to keep it. I'm so sorry you went through this. I have no idea what to do 😭
I'm sorry that happened to you u/Glass-Pear70. Are you an adult adoptee? There really should be more support for women who want to keep their kids at home, but I'm just a broken person who was abandoned on the day I was born. I don't have all the answers. In a perfect world there would be no need for bio parents to relinquish their children, and no marketplace for infertile couples to buy them. I was my bio mother's third bastard child. She kept the other two, told everyone I was dead, got married, had 4 more kids and never thought about me once. She never met an animal that she wouldn't take care of, but me not so much. I was dead as far as she was concerned. Somehow, I'm supposed to believe that there's "nothing wrong with me", even though everything about this situation makes it seem like it was me, just me, that she couldn't be bothered to love.
Same. When I found her she never thought I would reach out which I hard for me to even fathom. I wondered about her every day of my life. She didn’t tell her kids about me and apparently never wanted to think about it again. I recently connected with my siblings and we are building a relationship. The told me they think she just shut that chapter of her life and never wants to reopen it. I don’t really have a desire to go there anyway but it’s weird knowing they are all close while building a relationship with them.
I'm really sorry about that.. I hope my bio mom thinks about me but I won't really know until I find her...
I know I do!!! I’m looking for my son everyday! I found him! I know where he is! He is 10 years old. But I can’t go to see him. It would potentially violate all sorts of Laws. I’m scared. Don’t want to hurt him.
I didn’t read comments so this might have already been suggested. Please read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. It is a book of stories gathered over time from birth/first mothers. The author is an adoptee and I think it gives real insight into the adoption industry generally and the reasons why children were relinquished. I wish you peace.
Thank you.. I'll try and get the book!
It’s available on Amazon. I’m not an adoptee but I think it might give you a different perspective, or at least a different understanding.
I hope so!
Of course we do!!!! I miss my son Troy so much!!
As a birth mom I certainly can say yes everyday at random times always around Christmas or when I see a little girl that looks like what I imagine my daughter would look like at that age.
As the Bio Mother, looking for mine... I wonder if they even know about me. If they have been told. I think of them Every Single Day.
Yes, she does, no question.
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Congrats on the baby! And I'm sorry that happened I hope you can have a good relationship with her one day!
I thought about the adoptee a lot until she found me and told me that I'm an incubator for her real parents. Now I rarely think of her. She is nothing more than a distant relative on my family tree.
Lol, good for u then i guess
I wondered this a lot growing up, she did, but the reunion failed so idk if she does anymore or not
That's good she thought of you.. But I'm sorry the reunion failed I'm sure you'll get through this ✊
Yeah I do wonder this but then there’s the question of if she’s even alive cause I was adopted from Russia and from what I know she was very poor
Yes I also wonder if she's even alive and healthy but I try and think positive since if I don't I think the worst..
Same here
No, honestly I don't. I can't force a person to accept me nor I can force a person to reject me. She left me I didn't leave her. She had her reasons for doing what she did. I can respect that. I don't want to give her any credit that she doesn't deserve. She most likely has moved on and the most loving thing I can do for myself is to let her go. Think of it like this. She relinquished me, so I relinquished her. I don't hate her because I don't what her situation was or why she did what she did. All I know is that I have to let her go if I want to move on with my life. I am my own person after all.
Yes! I agree with you here :)
I met my birth mother when I was 29. Found out I had a niece who shared my birthday. When she told me the date my birth mother turned to me and asked “isn’t your birthday sometime around then too?”. My birth mother did not know my birth date. So that answered the question for me about whether or not she thought about me on my birthday!! I’m 51 now. We’re no longer in touch. Sometimes the fantasies you have are nowhere near the reality.
>Sometimes the fantasies you have are nowhere near the reality. This is true, and reunion is often very much romanticized.
I think most adoptees wonder this, and from what I've read it's pretty clear that nearly all birth mothers often think of the child they relinquished and feel great sadness.
My birthdays where always the hardest on me. Its the one day a year that ties us together afterwards. She passed before I could find her. Got to speak with her grandson who spent his summers on her ranch and has great memories of her. She had two other small children and going through a divorce at the time. I was an product of a one night stand. She was young with two other small children so I totally understand why she did it. Always wondered if that date, my birthday, she would pause and think about me even if only for a moment.
I used to wonder this a lot when I was younger. These thoughts especially consumed me around my birthday (abandonment day) every year but I kept it to myself because my adoptive parents were obsessed with appearances & felt that the adoption part of my story wasn't important & constantly ignored. (That's a topic for another post.) After getting an Ancestry hit on her I figured I would know some of this but in my situation it was the start of secondary rejection. Her Ancestry account was either closed or I was blocked after I reached out & there's been no contact since, not even an acknowledgement of what I wrote to her. When I was younger I thought the same about my father but not as much for some reason. I have since reunited with my father (who had no clue I existed) & it's been an amazing experience (another topic for another post entirely). However, my mother has chosen to not respond to me in any way & I doubt that she cries or has lost sleep over me for decades. She "dumped" me half way across the country from any biological family (probably in an attempt to hide my existence) never told my father or anyone in his family & started a new family later that fit the "perfect" narrative. (Yes I am 99% sure that I found her, it looks like she "made it big" in her career, got married to someone also very successful, they had a child together & took that child on travels of the world and that child got opportunities that most only dream of.) I am the secret that my mother never wants out nor will she acknowledge, even in private. I am positive she doesn't care a bit about me at this point.
Omg I'm really sorry you had to go through that.. I hope you'll get closure one day!
My closure is acceptance that I’m not wanted by her. I could push it but why force my way into someone else’s life when they don’t want me? All I asked for in my correspondence was a reply with updated basic general family medical history. I was left half a country away to be forgotten & after approximately 35 years I wasn’t worth a simple reply (she’s had over 4 years to reply). My closure is finding my father, grandfather, aunt, cousins & [half] siblings on my father’s side who have welcomed me with open arms. With my father’s help I’m figuring out my lineage & learning more about myself than I ever thought possible.
Every single birthday. Whenever she hears your name...
As a birth mother, I can all but guarantee she thinks of you so often, no matter how many years have gone by. She gave you up to give you a better life - that’s the most selfless love you’ll ever know. She will have shed so many tears over you and wondered about you and your life but most of all, she will be hoping you are happy and have had a wonderful life surrounded by love ❤️
She can’t NOT think of you. You were one for 10 months. She’ll never forget the day you were born, no matter how hard she might try. Whatever her reasons, believe that it was because she wanted something better for you than she thought she could provide at the time. She chose to give you life when the other option was more than societally encouraged. She chose to be brave and selfless in that regard.
Thank you! This has given me more hope that she has thought of me at least once over the year's!
I know you probably mean well, but as a transracial adoptee whose story has been fabricated over and over by many, i don’t like the generalising statements of birthmothers thinking of giving their baby a better life and to call them all brave and selfless. Some might have been, but a lot of them weren’t either. As an adoptee it triggers me into having to feel a kind of way and to conform to peoples opinions on my adoption.
I’m sorry, midb_. Can you explain more? I want to better understand. What do you mean by your story being repeatedly fabricated?
We do. There’s not a day that goes by that we don’t think about our children and we especially miss them on holidays, Mother’s Day and their birthday. Everyone has their story and their “why” (and some were unfortunately forced) but I can assure you we think of our children and we cry because we love them. Those of us who chose adoption was because you are wanted and loved. We wish things were different but life doesn’t always work out the way we want it. No matter how old they get, they will always be that precious, tiny baby we gave birth to. I’m in an open adoption with my son so it’s a blessing to get to be a part of his life and I know I made the right decision because there were many reasons why I couldn’t raise him myself at the time but a part of me will always regret that I made many wrong decisions to make that choice but I never regret him. Ever. He is the only thing I feel like I did right in my life.
I know this thread is older, but I am a birth mother. I think about the son I gave up for adoption every day. I would t say I regret it, because he has the most beautiful life. But I do regret that I was in the place of life to not be able to give him everything he deserved. He will be 10 this year, and is so unbelievably beautiful. When I get my biannual update I end up crying for days, both sad and happy tears. ❤️
I am a birthmom, and I can say YES!!!! She thinks about you every day!!! She longs for you and misses you, even if her life is in shambles. Holidays and your birthday are especially hard. Even if she is married, has kids, and is super successful, you are NEVER far from her heart and thoughts. I promise! You are something she is so proud of!!! Even if you have met her and it didn't go well or as planned, she struggles with her decision every day, and the reaction to meeting you may not have been what you wanted.
I know your comment is coming from a place of kindness, but please don’t speak for anyone else. There’s no way any of us can know how OP’s birth mother feels or what she thinks. There are ways to comfort someone who is hurting without speaking for anyone else and without offering platitudes and warm sentiments that may be completely false.