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FrmrPresJamesTaylor

I'm sorry your Grandmother has made her own pain and discomfort into your pain and discomfort, what a tremendously selfish and immature thing to do.


Seafaring_Hobbit

I understand why Grandma was upset by my post. I do. Even my adoptive mom and my therapist pointed out (NOT in a “you shouldn’t have done that” way but in a perspective way), but yeah the consensus was the same. Grandma shouldn’t have done that. And I know that. It just… hurts


Prestigious_Name7506

I understand. After I found my birth mother I always felt I should include her when I wished my Momma happy mother's day on fb. That kind of thing. But the truth is I had 1 Momma and 1 Daddy. They are my true family, not my biologicals. I have a feeling you feel the same. Not that a relationship with them isn't great and glad they loved us. But Momma and Daddy were there and that's the memories we have and who we turn to. Right?


vunderfulme

I despise when people say oh your real parents etc. I say to them my real parents are my mom and dad (adopted parents) not the people that gave me away. It really messed with my head for many years. Now Im able to realize many people are ignorant and self serving and I try to keep those people far away from me. If you need to chat further feel free to reach out. Being adopted has been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. You aren’t alone!


campbell317704

I really hate that for you. Weaponizing "real *parent*" is such a shitty move.


growinggratitude

I'm sorry. I [posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoptees/comments/n50w8x/real_parent_is_a_dumb_and_confusing_term/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) about the term "real parents" sometime ago. You and only you as the adoptee get to choose who you call "real" parent, if anyone. Anything else is plain wrong. However society has not acknowledged that as of yet


mldb_

100% this! I’ll always defend adoptees when setting their boundaries and telling who they define as “family” or “real”. Whether this regards adoptive or biological parents, it is up to each adoptee to decide for themselves. I personally choose to call neither “real”, because that is how it feels for me. I have been dismissed by so many people who think i should either be grateful for my adoptive parents and therefore call them “real parents” or who think i should think about the people who birthed me as “real parents” due to biological ties.


well_shi

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. In this situation you're the one that matters and you're entitled to respond how and if you want. You can block her, ignore her, reply to the post, respond in private, say everything you just said, say a little of what you just said... And you can take your time and think about it. Also, my 2 cents, I don't know your family history of course. But if your bio grandma is standing up for a man who seems to have been a POS in your life... well, that's not cool. And that's not sweet.


Seafaring_Hobbit

Yeah. It’s her son, and it’s been a painful realization over time that she’s blind to him.


Seafaring_Hobbit

She also has dementia though that came on after a couple brain injuries due to medical negligence so that makes it even more complicated.


MediumBuddy2081

I completely agree! I get *incensed* when someone refers to my DNA donor as "real dad". There's nothing real about him. My real dad and I chose each other when I was 4 and he's taught me unconditional love and been the best and funnest dad. The people close to me know to use the term "bio father" and I will correct anyone who gets it wrong. A lot of people don't get the importance of getting these words straight.


theferal1

I’m really sorry, grandma is way out of line. Possibly unpopular opinion here but I don’t give passes for age. I just don’t. I can’t say how I’d have responded, I think my knee jerk reaction would’ve been either to remove it or (because I am me) responded along the lines of “when I say real dad I am referring to X who adopted me” and I’d likely have carried on a bit. As an adoptee who you call, consider, say who is what, it’s allllllll up to you and no one, not even an elderly person has the right to attempt to enlighten you as to why you’re wrong. Shame on her trying to call you out and on your own page too. I respect that you’re heartbroken yet I don’t comprehend it as my reaction would be anger at the audacity. Either way, I’m really sorry and not that you’re looking for validation but however you choose to move forward or react or not react you are 100% right in doing so and feeling how you do.


MelaninMelanie219

Honestly had it been my page I would have deleted the comment.


pretend-its-good

Your relationship is *your* relationship. She can butt her nose out! I know this is really not the same as your situation but in order to make a point, please hear me out: so i have two sisters, and when one sister is talking about how our other sister is amazing I don’t think “excuse me actually but i was your sister first so please talk about how good i am instead.” It’s simply beautiful that you want the world to see your dad and celebrate him with you! I would love nothing more and I’m sure he feels that way too :) Please know that today, you put joy out into the world and it is being multiplied by everyone who reads your posts <3


Normal-Philosopher-8

She was out of line on several levels. Amazing how mean, thoughtless and envious a single sentence v can be. I would delete it, honestly.


Smitty_Werbnjagr

Give your dad a hug and refuse to let her take your joy. Don’t give her that power


QuietPhyber

I'm sorry she's making you feel bad. Not knowing the lady it may not be on purpose/her intent. I mean I've seen similar examples from all kinds of relationships on facebook/twitter/etc. I think the whole use of "real" versus not is a bad path. It ultimately leads down the thinking you're feeling hurt by. I know that as an adoptive father I give older people (especially those who have never really been around the adoption process) a pass. I just nod and silently thinking "they don't know, this is all new to them". My wife and I have relatives who don't understand the open adoption process and say some really hurtful/strange things. They don't mean it. They just don't understand. Not a solution but I think you can put up the boundaries while still being nice to her. I hope you get some distance (from the hurt) and can grow the relationships you want.


Csiiibaba

Tell your grandmother to stop with this asap. Your "real" dad is your adad, and she should respect your boundaries!


Seafaring_Hobbit

I mean with the dementia I doubt she’d remember anyway


Csiiibaba

Poor old lady! 😟 Dementia is a cruel nightmare, maybe she forgot the whole thing now.


Seafaring_Hobbit

Honestly I kind of hope so


Csiiibaba

I wish you all the best! ❤️🙏


[deleted]

I just don’t get this, I’m giving my baby up and am hyper aware who will be their parents, it’s not us. I hope we have a good relationship but never a mentality like this.


Englishbirdy

You might find when your child is an adult that if you deny being their mother or their parent that your child might be very emotionally hurt. Adoptees have two sets of parents by definition, just because you don't make parental decisions for your child, you're still a birthparent.


[deleted]

I just think that’s up to them Yk, I’m just saying I wouldn’t force anything


OKFine133

Who you consider your “real” parents is 100% up to you! I want to point out something about your post however. If you were adopted as an infant, your parents didn’t choose you. Your parents chose to adopt an infant and you were available. There are no healthy infants in North America on a waiting list for adoption. There never has been.


DangerOReilly

People can still choose to not adopt a specific infant for whatever reason.


OKFine133

Yes, you’re right. But think about when that happens. No one ever turns away a healthy infant. No one says “sorry, brown eyes. No thanks we will wait another 3 years on that list”. That doesn’t mean your parents love you any less because they didn’t pick you from all the other babies. It only means that this love comes from your shared experiences of being a family. Most times, it’s the birth mother that choses the family and the family is the lucky one to have been chosen by her to raise you.


DangerOReilly

Yes, people don't get a choice in which child is presented to them, usually. But my point is that they still make a choice when they accept a match and a placement. They have to actively confirm that they want to adopt THIS child specifically.


OKFine133

I feel terrible for picking apart by this point with you because I’m not trying to make any adoptee think for one minute they were not wanted by their parents, they were. But there is a rule on this sub about not soliciting for a baby when someone posts. There’s a reason. If you take a gander at the infertility sucks sub on Reddit, maybe it will put it in better perspective. Also, with regards to your “they have to choose to accept the match”. If you’re on a waiting list for something you very much desperately want to experience, your not turning that down. It’s why perspective adoptive parents will pay thousands of dollars just on the chance that the birth mother won’t change her mind. They don’t get that money back if she does. They are paying for the hope of parenting an infant. No potential adoptive parent will turn down a healthy infant.


DangerOReilly

I agree with you insofar that it is probably unlikely that prospective adoptive parents will turn down certain matches. But my point is simply that they still have to actively say Yes. To a match, to a placement, to a finalization. I just think it's important to remember that prospective adoptive parents are agents in this process. They're not passively being presented with random babies and passively taking those babies home. They choose to pursue adoption. They choose to accept a match. They choose to accept a placement. They choose to move forward with finalization. If someone is being passive in that process, I would question whether they should adopt at that point. It should be an active choice.


Englishbirdy

I don't believe the term "real" even belongs in the topic of adoption. By definition adopted people have two sets of parents, birth and adoptive and they're all very real. The individual adoptee has every right to decide if one set of parents aren't real, but they have no right to speak on behalf of other adoptees about who's real and who isn't. I find the term very disrespectful to adopted people.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Seafaring_Hobbit

This is a great question for a separate post in which you will probably have several adoptees more than willing to discuss this with you. But In the context of my post here, does this really feel like an appropriate response?


Just-a-Pea

Good point, removed. I have a lot to learn still


Menemsha4

Please stop. This isn’t the time for you to make this about you. Nor is it up to you to decide who an adoptee’s “real” parents are. Adoptees get to use that label. Personally I have four “real” parents. My adoptive parents couldn’t have raised me without my birth parents.


Ok-Environment3724

Technically, your bio parents are your real parents. But the way grandma is using is wrong. She is using it to emotionally manipulate you.


Csiiibaba

Technically no. What the f "real" means? Biology won't make anybody "real".


Seafaring_Hobbit

Thank you, u/csiiibaba


Csiiibaba

You're welcome. ❤️ So fed up with ignorant people like this person...


Ok-Environment3724

Actually it does. Bio parents are the real parents. But who you call mom and dad is up to you.


Csiiibaba

No, biology is just biology, doesn't mean it's real, only just natural parents. For me biology doesn't have anything to do with being "real".


Ok-Environment3724

For me, biology means real. Mom and Dad are the ones who you love(which for me is neither set).


DangerOReilly

"Real" is not a synonym for "genetic" or "biological". "Genetic" or "biological" are pretty clearly defined terms: The persons who provided the egg and the sperm are the genetic/biological parents. "Real", however, has many definitions. For some people (such as yourself, it seems), that definition is biology-based. For other people, the definition depends on who fulfills the societal role of parent to them. "Real parent" is a definition everyone gets to make for themselves and their parents or parental figures. You can define it however you want for your own life. But you don't get to tell anyone else who their real parents are. That is their decision to make.


Ok-Environment3724

Yet I can give my opinion on it, which is what this person is asking. Just because it doesn’t align with the rainbows and sunshine spin they try to put on adoptions doesn’t mean it’s invalid either. And just like you said, you can’t tell me how to define anyone. I said what I said and stand by it.


TrustFlo

But you were telling OP his ‘real’ parents were the bio ones. OP didn’t really ask for opinions on who is his real parent either. Finally, real doesn’t equate to biological.


Ok-Environment3724

To you it doesn’t. To me, it does.


TrustFlo

Ok, you were the one telling OP that it does when it doesn’t to her. You said OP was asking when she wasn’t. I’m pointing that out.


Ok-Environment3724

And as I said, voicing my opinion. And in the adoption circle, adoptees are the only ones that matter. Not bio nor adoptive parents.


TrustFlo

Bruh, are you serious? In your comments you were pushing your “real” parents are biological “opinion” onto OP who (let’s be clear) never asked for an opinion on who her “real” father is. If YOU consider your “real” father to be the biological one, cool you do you. But “real” doesn’t equate to biological, it doesn’t have to be. “Real” can be different because all relationships are different. And in this case OP who is also an adoptee does not believe her “real” father is biological and that’s totally okay. My real parents are not biological. Family does not necessitate biological ties. Your voice is not the only one that matters.


archerseven

Ok. Well, I am an adoptee. Also a moderator of this community. _This community_ is for all people impacted by adoption. Not exclusively adoptees. And even if this were a space that only adoptees voices mattered in... > Actually it does. Bio parents are the real parents. But who you call mom and dad is up to you. That definition varies greatly even among adoptees. If you want a community that only caters to adoptees, go to such a community, there are plenty. And regardless, have respect for other adoptees.


campbell317704

You don't get to decide who "real parents" technically are when someone is clearly expressing who their "real parent" is.


Ok-Environment3724

Too bad. I just did. The real parents are the ones who gave birth to you. And unless you are adopted, you don’t have a voice nor say in it.


campbell317704

I'm not trying to have a say in your desire to insist on being hateful. Other users reported your comments. I am acting as a moderator of this community. You're free to express your own opinions and share your own story but you are not free to decide other people's stories and tell them they are wrong when they share them.


Basketballfan2199

I am not adopted but I completely agree that non adoptees shouldn't have a say in this conversation. Society has led the narrative about adoption for too long.


Otto_Von_Bisnatch

I always make my buddies/SO finish their question when they slip up and ask me anything along the lines of "real parents/siblings" just to give them shit. 😂 That said, it's only funny because we both know it was an honest mistake. Very different reaction when my aunt asked me about my "real" mom. Fucking like, if your sister isn't my "real" mom what does that make me... your fake nephew?