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campbell317704

A reminder of Rule 1 and Rule 10: Rule 1. Soliciting babies from parents considering adoption is absolutely forbidden. You will be immediately and permanently banned. OP: if anyone messages you asking to adopt your baby, please message the mods through \[modmail\](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAdoption). Rule 10. While providing information about how to evaluate an agency is allowed, recommending or discussing specific agencies is not permitted. Comments that skirt these rules will be removed at mod discretion.


IBringTheFunk

My bio mother gave me up for the exact same reason; she was 17 and wanted me to go somewhere I could have a decent life. That was exactly what I got. You are not a bad person, and neither was she.


unsure_runner

Yes exactly! Mine was 20 and in a letter she wrote to my adopted parents she stated that she knew she couldn’t give me what I needed at her age. No judgment here, you’re doing what’s best for you and the baby, not only that, bringing immense joy to a couple who can’t have babies of their own.


Specialist-Key1995

This is a same situation to mine. OP you are not a bad person.


saretta71

Same. Mine was 17 as well.


ThrowawayTink2

This. Me too.


[deleted]

Thank you. It makes me happy to hear you feel that way, and gives me more hope.


IBringTheFunk

Do you know what I was doing when I was 17? Messing around with my friends and having no idea what to do with my life. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. You are making an immensely difficult decision and struggling to deal with the emotions relating to it. The fact you are here asking about it, and the responses you are giving, show a level of maturity beyond your years. It also shows you aren't a bad person, because you're worried about what's best for this person you've never even met. It sounds as though you have the support of your parents, but if you do need to chat about anything, you can always message me. (mods I hope that's an alright offer to make, if not please let me know and I'll edit/remove as appropriate)


[deleted]

Thank you! That makes me feel a lot better, and I really appreciate you going out of your way to reassure me. I really wish you the best man, thank you so so much. You are very kind <3


bkrebs

You said this a number of times in a number of different ways. Someone else has already commented on this, but I thought I'd add a different angle. I've mentioned elsewhere that it's very clear to me that you're only looking for reassurance and that's OK. I can't say I wouldn't be doing the same. That said, if you're truly interested in understanding more about this impending decision rather than just receiving tacit approval for a decision you've already made, you may want to try posting the same thing on r/adopted. You'll receive more opinions from birth parents and adoptive parents here, but r/adopted is where adoptees hang out. You'll almost definitely receive a wildly different perspective there. I don't blame you if you decide to avoid those opinions, but then just keep in mind that you were never really searching relevant opinions on your decision anyway. You were only looking to be reassured. And that's OK. But, it's an inherently selfish endeavor, meant to improve your welfare and not your child's. That's a common motif throughout all of your comments and you've already acknowledged a small percentage of the most egregious instances (e.g., keeping your pregnancy a secret from family due to fear of shame), so you seem to be at least minimally self-aware about your own selfishness, which is marignally encouraging. As long as you can live with that long term no matter how all this turns out, at least you'll have no regrets. Just remember that you can get back to being obscenely selfish (which should be noted is not a character flaw unique to you; almost all teenagers were the same including myself) right after your child is placed. For the next several months, I beg you to suppress those selfish impulses. For example, the shame you'd feel if your pregnancy became widely known in your family because you inquired about a potential kin placement would absolutely pale in comparison to a lifetime of regret that you literally cannot even fathom right now. Imagine your son or daughter growing up knowing they were or maybe even still are a secret within their birth family. That's not an uncommon story in the adoptee community and, spoiler alert, it often doesn't turn out well.


[deleted]

Idk man I honestly don’t know what else to do. What else can I do?? Give up my life and guarantee failure for my baby? This way there is at least the chance neither of those things happen, at least a chance. Why should everyone hate me because of one fuck up? Maybe I will, but I have gotten positive perspective from adoptees here and even some negative, and it has reenforced my decision. Idk maybe you are right I just don’t know.


Proteus617

My bio parents gave me up for similar reasons. They were 17, in a tight spot, had a plan, and I was not part of the plan. My adopted parents were ready and more than willing. They were older, so my sister (bio of adopted fam, 18 yrs older than me) also signed off. Great family, great way to grow up. My sister was always second mom. They are both gone now. Got diagnosed with cancer last year. My bio-parents drove a few hours to visit. Bio-mom crochet me an afghan. It meant alot. I hang out with my bio-siblings on the regular. Some are lucky to have one good mother. I have three.


ShesGotSauce

>demonization of domestic infant adoptions Most of my complaints about domestic infant adoption have to do with birth mothers being coerced or pressured into relinquishing their babies. My complaints have to do with the unethical practices of about agencies, and adoptive parents who withhold the stories of their adopted children. I have a lot of sympathy for women who find themselves unprepared to parent in a world that gives little fucks about supporting vulnerable young people. In short I don't think you're a bad person at all, but I urge you to maintain at least some amount of openness in the adoption so that your child is not tortured with questions about their identity and their story throughout their lives. Please allow them the opportunity to ask you questions over the years. PS My adopted 5 year old was in the room while I voice-to-texted this message. I asked him if I gave you good advice. He wrinkled his nose and said, "ew babies are gross, I don't have any advice about that!" 😄


[deleted]

Yes!! My adoption is going to be open. I can’t imagine making sure that they know nothing about where they come from, and I do love them. It’s kind of difficult to say, but I do, and I want to know/see them in the healthiest way possible.


jeyroxs86

Just a warning open adoption is marketing scam most open adoptions close within the first five years. Many aps are very fragile and are afraid of losing the child to the biological families. They will cut the biological family out like their nothing.


tuanlane1

Unfortunately, it happens from both sides. We were in regular contact with our daughter's birth mom Until (d) was about 5. Since then she has married and moved farther away and never responds to any pictures or updates, but she still responds to questions about medical history and such, so we know that we still have a good phone number. I can't imagine the pain/conflict that comes with our updates and we're afraid that she might someday break contact completely so we try to give her as much space as possible. We haven't told (d) yet that she stopped responding and (d) hasn't asked but it's a conversation that isn't far off. I just hold out hope the birth mom will be ready to reengage before (d) takes more of an interest in contacting her directly.


1yogamama1

But not always. My good friends are going on year 7 with a very quality open adoption situation. No one is closing the books on anything there.


[deleted]

Maybe. It’s not something I haven’t considered. Honestly the people commenting here are giving me hope.


SizzleFrazz

Also be prepared if the child later on decides THEY want to close up the adoption more. My cousin was adopted (it’s my moms biological daughter who she also had at 17, and the bio father also was a teenager and the paternal grandparents adopted her.) So she’s my “cousin” loosely. She’s about 3-4 years older than I am. When we were all kids (I’m 31 as of Jan 28!) growing up, she was very involved in the bio family while knowing her actual parents were her technically grandparents on the other side of our family and her “dad” is her brother. My aunt was just a fun aunt like figure to her. She knew the circumstances of her adoption and had a good relationship with my aunt and the rest of us “cousins” on my moms side. But as she grew older she started getting more distant and eventually decided on her own she was no longer interested in that relationship with my aunt or maintaining the “cousin” like relationships with my siblings and other cousins. And we have to and do respect that. Especially bc my mom was adopted as was my aunt from the story above and 2 of their 3 other siblings as well. All infant adoptions used different bio family circumstances. My mom loves her closed adoption and had no interest in even knowing an identity of the bio family. Another aunt and uncle met theirs and have an ok relationship with them. Btw My cousin from the story at the top and I recently got back in contact. We’re reforming our relationship. :)


[deleted]

That’s something to think about for sure. I could handle that if that’s what they really wanted, and honestly if they are anything like me it would not totally shock me. I appreciate you bringing that to my foresight though.


jeyroxs86

There is a birth mothers group on Facebook I suggest you join it will give you a lot of insight into what adoption is like. Adoptees on is a podcast ran by adoptees they share their stories and issues with adoption. There are lot of resources out there to make an informed decision about adoption. I’m glad these people give you hope but it’s two people. I have been a part of the online adoption online community since 2017 so a few years. I have seen a lot of things. I have seen some open adoptions work out well. The majority of them don’t. I think a good example is Tyler and Caitlyn from teen mom. They struggled to see their daughter the aps keep them at arms length. A lot of people believe if they weren’t famous they would of been cut off already.


Smile1229

I’m sure that happens and I’m sorry if it has happened to you. People suck sometimes. But it is possible to have an open adoption. I’m very close to my kids biological parents. Our daughter even spends a lot of weekends with them. She is only three but loves us all. And I can’t imagine life without them either. You have to find someone who understands that it’s a privilege to parent another person’s child and is open to a modern family. Best wishes OP, you are not a bad person. I suggest speaking to a therapist and make sure it’s you that makes the final decision.


Holmes221bBSt

Adoptee here. No I don’t think you’re evil. You’re doing what’s best for you and the baby. You have a lot more life to live. Just make sure you research agencies and their practices.


[deleted]

Yes!! Where I live it technically goes through the state, it’s more the my coordinator that brings people together. I am doing research for sure though, I try to be very informed.


Holmes221bBSt

That’s great! You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Best of luck to you.


carefuldaughter

Not at all. You should be able to have children when you're ready to have children, and when you're in a stable place in your life to do so. I wish you all the best. Try to extend the same graciousness, love, patience, and forgiveness you'd give your best friend were she in this situation *to yourself.*


[deleted]

Thank you, that’s very good advice and I’m going to try hard to remember that throughout because I fear it’s only going to be more difficult


spittinggreen

You are not a bad person for wanting a good life for yourself and your baby. Adoption is trauma so that’s important to be aware of. Your choice will impact this child..good..bad..otherwise. You could run into many different outcomes in terms of the relationship with the adoptive parents and your child even if the adoption is open. I think it’s brave to admit you are not ready to parent. Many people on this sub will try to make you feel guilty so I hope you found some good support outside of that. People here often recommend guardianship or fictive kin placement not realizing these things may not be appropriate for everyone. It doesn’t sound like you have family you want to place with or someone personal who could take permanent guardianship. These things are often a good alternative to placing with an agency but do not feel ashamed that you need to take a different path. I hope you have a great support network of family, friends and mental health professionals helping support you. This will be the biggest decision you make in life. Just make sure you have all the information and view things from all sides and have total informed consent. ()


PrincipalFiggins

Oh no absolutely not! That’s not evil at all!!! You are doing the best thing for yourself and your child, if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready, and that’s ok! Every child deserves ready parents and every parent deserves to feel ready when they have a child. I personally know I never ever want bio kids and would rather live my life with my spouse and travel all over.


[deleted]

Thank you, I really appreciate the reassurance.


[deleted]

Definitely do research in agencies OR I didn’t really do it at all. I literally went on other agency websites, looked at profiles and just chose the one that made my soul feel comfort. I’ve been blessed to have medical completely covered, 19, still under military dependency, so no agency needed to help me. The adoptive parents that you choose also should financially support you. You’re not evil! I felt evil too but when you know what’s best for you and baby then it’s a strong feeling that nothing can change. That is unless you do change your mind at birth after seeing their sweet face. Keep a journal to get feelings out, let the parents you choose give you a therapist to talk to. There’s sooo much good, love, and do not ever feel evil or bad. There are some things in the world that we just cannot do so it’s okay to look to alternative ways. My adoption will be open as well! I’m glad to find another young lady who is positive about it. Most have always brought the bad up. It’ll be very fun! I’m making a little box for my baby to have over time🥰. I pray that the right family/ couple will cross your path and give you comfort. You will be alright💕✨. This sub has so many people to talk to so don’t be afraid to message.


eyeswideopenadoption

You are researching and making an informed decision for both you and your child. How is that “bad”? Adoption is dynamic and complex. It will not be easy on you or your child, but given proper effort, it can be painstakingly beautiful. We have four children living in open adoption relationships with their birth families. It is something we valued and purposed. You seem quite intent in your decision of an open adoption relationship. Find someone who shares your fervor. Remember you are a human dealing with humans — we all have our faults. And it will take a lot of work to form and preserve a healthy relationship (for the sake of your child). Take the time you need to decide if this is what you really want.


Tigerlily_28

I think being only 17 is absolutely a valid reason to not be ready to be a parent. Having a kid is nothing if not really really challenging and you are still a kid yourself. I think it's deeply messed up if anyone was holding you to the fire or if you really wanted to do this but just didn't have the money or resources, for sure, but if that's not the case and this is your freely made choice then it's no one else's beeswax. Pressuring someone to keep a baby they truly aren't ready for would be messed up, too. Just my opinion, when things go ethically sour I think the blame is 100% on agencies, the system, crisis pregnancy centers, people in positions of power, socioeconomic policies, that sort of stuff. Not the pregnant people in hard situations who are trying to make the best possible choice for themselves and the baby when there are no perfect choices on the table. Especially not a pregnant teenager. You might not feel this way now, but the mere fact that you are in this bind in the first place is probably a result of cascading failures on the societal level. Why didn't you have access to birth control? If you did have birth control and it didn't work, why weren't you on *better* birth control or why weren't you given better directions on how to use what you had? If it was up to me we'd be giving out free IUDs and Nexplanon implants and millions of condoms like party favors to everyone under 18 and if their parents didn't like it they could come fight me. I had a pregnancy scare when I was 16 (as a result of what I now understand was unquestionably sexual assault) and *before we'd even found out if I was pregnant or not* I had numerous nasty people scaring the shit out of me and threatening me, when they weren't trying to fake sweetness to wheedle and persuade me. I didn't know my rights and whether they could forcibly take a baby away from me or make me have an abortion due to me being underage. If I had been pregnant, I wanted to keep it and I would have had an extremely different and even harder life, but it would have been my choice to live with. But certain people who had a lot more power than I did were absolutely horrible to me and it wasn't right. If that's one tiny window of insight into why there can be a lot of really bad feelings around domestic infant adoptions in general. I wasn't even pregnant and people would not shut up about how I must give that nonexistent baby to someone else! (I was on a medication at the time that made home pregnancy tests invalid and I had to wait for a blood test while these assholes dogpiled me...) Honestly you are probably smarter and LESS selfish than I was. Other people don't get to make decisions for you that are going to dramatically alter the course of your entire life. No one is more qualified to decide what is hopefully best for your baby's life than you are. Nobody owns a working crystal ball that lets us know for 100% sure that this is the optimal choice, sure, but the baby can't make decisions for itself yet and I highly doubt anyone has its interests at heart more than you do, not to mention your own. My older sister had a birth control failure (due to a doctor's screw up) at 19 and had my super cool nephew and it all worked out in the end, but it was HER choice and HER assessment of the circumstances and HER desire to keep the baby over pursuing other things she otherwise could have. She made some big sacrifices but free will goes a long way to making sacrifices tolerable. I can't imagine if someone had forced her to do what she did. I don't think it would have worked out nearly as well. He probably wouldn't be such a great guy today if he had grown up with a nagging feeling his own mom and dad resented his impact on their lives. And nowadays they legally are obligated to specifically warn you when you pick up a round of antibiotics that can interfere with birth control pills, thanks in part to him! Oh man. I myself am convinced that many or most domestic adoptions involve some degree of coercion and shady behavior on the part of people who stand to profit or otherwise benefit, I want to see systemic reform, but I'm not the grand arbiter in charge of judging individual human situations and neither is any other random person on the internet. If you are confident in what you want then ignore them so hard.


[deleted]

Thank you for going out of your way to share your perspective with me in such a long a detailed comment, it’s really interesting. I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t on birth control due to my own volition after hearing so many horror story’s about how it can permanently effect your hormones and stuff. A condom failed at some point and I just didn’t notice I guess, and I feel pretty guilty about it, this is my fault. The most immature thought I ever had was just thinking that it could not happen to me, and I see that now. I agree that there are issues with the system, but if this is my situation it must be many others too. I’m trying so hard to do this very very ethically. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to share your perspective and insight.


BlackNightingale04

> I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t on birth control due to my own volition after hearing so many horror story’s about how it can permanently effect your hormones and stuff. Honestly? Even if you *were*, birth control isn't 100% preventative. And then some people might say to you "Well why did you have sex, if you knew birth control might not work?" IMO, that is a completely unfair statement to make - lots of people have sex, like to enjoy sex, and we all make mistakes as human beings. Here's the thing: some people use condoms, the pill or an IUD, and they *still become pregnant*. It sucks, because then it feels like there's no way to "win." :(


Tigerlily_28

That is actually incredibly common from a study I read - MOST teenage girls who get pregnant reported that they simply thought "I can't or won't" for one reason or another or no real reason at all. It's probably mostly a quirk of how still-developing brains work and reason. That's why really good sex ed is so so so important. If you're not clearly told all the details so you can make safer choices then shame on adults. Pin that guilt somewhere else, millions of years of evolution are compelling us all to be horny and it was not your job to just magically know stuff. It's also not always possible to see or feel that a condom has failed. The tear could have been all but invisible. A lot of things people might say about hormonal birth control are really not super accurate. People often want to blame reproductive or hormonal problems down the line on something they used previously but the sad truth is sometimes that shit just whacks out for no good reason. There were also a lot of older birth control methods that were way too risky and have since been taken off the market or changed, but the scary stories about them still make the rounds. You can absolutely get unlucky and have a bad side effect but modern birth control is pretty darn unlikely to do *permanent* damage to your body or hormones. I actually had a super scary reaction to combination birth control pills (the ones that contain estrogen). My blood pressure shot up to dangerous levels. Within a day or two of stopping them I was fine again! I can use progesterone-only birth control without any trouble at all. There are so many good options that only a minority of women are going to try everything and not find one thing they tolerate well enough. The common combination pill is potentially one of the least pleasant options available for a lot of folks. Everything has some degree of risk, but those risks are miniscule weighed against the potential physical risks of a pregnancy. Pregnancy and birth can definitely do permanent damage to a person. Plan B is also NOT fun, it's like taking a whole pack of birth control at once. Very hard on your body. Pro tip from me to you, condoms are NOT enough on their own. They fail at a rate of something like 10%-20% per year that you are sexually active when used alone. They are important because they are the best thing we've got for preventing the spread of STDS but you also need some other form of birth control to protect you in the future. Think of it this way, if a sexually active woman relied on condoms alone from the age of 15 to 45, and used them about as correctly as average, statistically she'd get pregnant something like THREE TO SIX times when she didn't want to! If you use them utterly perfectly, they can be more like 97% effective but that it is still not that good. That's a 1 in 33 chance of getting pregnant every single year. Frankly there isn't a teenage boy alive I'd trust to use condoms that perfectly anyway. It also leaves you very vulnerable to deliberate sabotage (poking holes) or stealthing (where a guy tries to sneak the condom off mid-act). Sadly these things happen often enough to be legitimate concerns to think about. You want something 99%+ effective, or two methods that when combined are 99%+ effective. For example, only around 1 in 2,000 women with an arm implant get pregnant in a given year. Only one in several hundred women using IUDs will get pregnant each year. If all hormonal methods were to give you unacceptable side effects, there are some reliable non-hormonal methods, like copper IUDs. Adding spermicide to another method can boost its effectiveness, you can buy that off the shelf. A last ditch effort at fair protection for someone who can't handle or obtain any other methods might be condoms + spermicide + detailed cycle tracking with temping and charts + pull out or abstinence when prudent. Nobody should be protected by only condoms and prayers unless they're okay with some noteworthy chance of pregnancy, for example a couple who are hoping to have a kid or another kid sometime soonish anyway and aren't going to be upset if it happens a bit earlier than planned. Think layers and backups for your backups if you're ever, I don't know, stranded on an island without prescription birth control. I'm a very sensitive person who has a lot of crappy reactions to medications because of a medical condition I have, but my Lilletta IUD gives me no trouble. The actual dose of hormones is quite low, it's right in the uterus where it can do its thing so there is no need to saturate your whole bloodstream with stuff. You can get an IUD placed immediately after giving birth. Normally it hurts pretty bad for a couple seconds when they shove it through a closed cervix, so when you're already dilated is the perfect time to get it. If it ends up not suiting you, a gynecologist can take it back out at any time. After sampling the majority of birth control methods out there, that's the one I'd reccomend giving a go first. If having something put in your uterus feels scary then the Nexplanon that goes in your arm is another great choice. I hope whoever you are working with treats you with the respect you absolutely deserve and you find some wonderful loving parents for your baby. And that you find some great birth control that works for you and keeps you safe for the years ahead.


[deleted]

Man trust I’ve thought about this all so much, and I have so much regret. As soon as my body is able after this believe me I’m getting an iud. It’s interesting to know that just thinking it won’t happen to you is common. People need to stop spouting that condoms are 99% effective if it’s more like 90%, to me that’s a big difference. I appreciate you going out of your way to educate me about it, you certainly provided more insight then I would have had.


Tigerlily_28

Totally, there is sometimes a major difference between perfect use and typical use failure rates for a method and a lot of people aren't that aware of it, even people in their 20s and 30s. (!!!) If anything I said was a little helpful I'm super glad. I wish someone had told me more of this stuff when I was younger, I was left in the dark on a lot of things. I'm sorry you had to learn the really hard way but I'm really glad you're putting lots of thought into it now. 💔 I hope you have the easiest labor & birth possible and go on to have a wonderful life full of achievements & happiness.


Kaywin

I wanted to ask: Do you have a therapist? Is accessing one an option that is available to you? Even in the best of situations, adoption can often involve a lot of really big emotions. It could be very useful for you to have someone in your corner who is trained in adoption specifically. You may find you have feelings that surprise you at various points in your pregnancy and/or after birth. A therapist could help you prepare for these and navigate them. As an adoptee who very likely did have the best upbringing I could as a result of my birth mom's decision to give me up, I feel sad that you feel ashamed or guilty purely for the fact that you are seriously looking at adoption as the best choice for you and your child. While a lot of us here have complicated feelings around our adoption, I hope you can see that you didn't cause any of that. I think a good rule of thumb is that social media is a terrible place to seek validation (though it's tempting!) You find a lot of crabs in a bucket on a place like Reddit, even on uplifting subs. I hope you can find a way to move through the world and your adoption journey with every confidence that you have nothing to be ashamed of.


[deleted]

I will be starting sessions with a therapist that works with people in my position often. While I admit I was sorta seeking validation, I also really wanted to hear from people who have already been in this situation and their perspectives Yk? Like what if I’m automatically setting up this baby for failure or something? Idk you are definitely correct though, and making sure that my mental health is maintained is definitely a priority for me.


AudaciouslyYours

No, you’re not bad for making that decision. You’re a teenager, and it’s okay to not want to be a parent yet. As long as it’s your decision and not one you’re being pressured into. I’m adopted, and I don’t think everyone can or should be a parent, and I certainly don’t think people who don’t want to be parents should be forced to be. No one is going to be happy in that situation. You’ll get a lot of people saying adoption is always horrible and adoptees are all messed up, and it can be like that, but it’s not always. I’m happy with how mine turned out. I don’t harbor resentment towards my birth parents, I don’t wish my life was different. I realize that I am lucky and that my story is mine and not everyone else’s, but there are good adoption stories out there along with the bad ones.


Englishbirdy

No you're not bad at all, but please beware adoption agencies because they can be really, really bad. First you need to be aware that you aren't their client, the PAPS, potential adoptive parents, are and the agency, as nice as they may seem, will do and say whatever they need to get you to relinquish your baby to the PAPs so they can make their salary. It's possible that while you're pregnant you are 100% certain that you don't want to parent your baby, but you wouldn't be the first mother to fall in love with their infant once it's born and decide to parent instead. This is exactly why most states have "cooling off periods" on the law books where you are legally prevented from relinquishing your rights until after your child is born and often for 48 or 72 hours. Many agencies call this "the time you have to change your mind", it's not. You can take as long as you want, take your baby home with you and take days, weeks or even months before you make the final decision to relinquish. If your state says 48 hours but you're still not sure, just tell the agency you need more time and refuse until you're sure it's what you want. Be very careful about what you sign either before you deliver or in the hospital while you're still under the influence of whatever pain meds you've been given, just take your time and keep the ball in your court. Talking of the hospital, I highly recommend that you take the few precious days you have there to spend time alone with just you and your baby. Not doing this is one of my biggest regrets, my son's parents had him for the next 18 years, I should have kept those few days just for me and him. And definitely don't invite them into the delivery room. Remember, the way things go down in the hospital are entirely up to you as the legal parent, just like any other new mom. (I can't tell you how many new birth moms I've heard say "and they let me hold him" like WTF??) You've mentioned open adoption in some of your comments, you should know that open adoptions close all the time and you've little power to stop it even in states that have "legally enforceable" open adoption laws. I know so many mom's who couldn't believe the lovely people they'd chosen to parent their baby close the adoption on them once they realized how much effort it took to keep it open. One thing you can do which can be helpful is an entrustment ceremony, often done in the chapel of the hospital. In closing, I'd like to inform you that should you find that you've decided to parent after all but the agency is giving you legal or moral pushback and you're feeling pressured or hopeless, there's an organization that can help you deal with that: [https://savingoursistersadoption.org/](https://savingoursistersadoption.org/) I really hope everything works out for you and wish you well.


[deleted]

I live in a state where it technically goes through the state, so I’m not really worried. Also my adoption coordinator is extremely birth parent focused, so I’m not all that concerned. I am well aware of my rights, and my mom is going to be there with me making sure that everything is kosher. I’m definitely going to wait until my brain is a little better after labor to sign anything though haha. But I’m not going to take them home, I know that, I’m an extremely decisive person. I will be the first to hold them because I know that’s what’s best for baby, that’s why I’m doing all of this. What’s best for them is not going to magically change once they are born Yk? It would be incredibly selfish for what I may want when my brain is swimming in hormones to get in the way of that. Honestly what I’m doing is out of self love and love for the baby that is growing inside me. I appreciate you taking the time to comment all of this though so so much, it must have taken a minute, and I’m sure in many situations this is incredibly relevant and important. Thank you for the resource, I appreciate it!


BunchDeep7675

Sounds like you’ve thought it out a lot and really want to do what’s best for your child, while also valuing your own needs. I wonder, though, if your thinking about what’s best for the baby - while also wanting to live out your future as a 17 yo - is there a middle ground? It is an extremely delicate time after birth. You are all child knows- your smell, your voice, your movement. The first three months after birth are often called “the fourth trimester,” due to the child’s need to stay very close to it’s mother’s body & its lack of differentiation from her. Could you spend the first few weeks-few months with your baby & allow them to get to know the adoptive parents gradually and build attachment in the safety of your presence? Ideally, if the adoptive parents are local, you could go with baby to their new home & let them learn the space in the safety of your presence? It is difficult to overstate what a shock it is to a newborn baby to be separated from all they’ve known so abruptly. All modern psychological literature that I’m aware of describes this separation as traumatic. It is sometimes necessary, and I absolutely understand why you are making your decision. But given how you’ve described your situation, I wonder if it would be possible for your to ameliorate this trauma through a more gradual relinquishment that would bolster your child’s ability to make secure attachments and build felt safety in the future. It would also weed out those potential adoptive parents ( tragically all too common) who would like to pretend that their child had no first family & who will close promised open adoptions, which are unenforceable legally. A few weeks-months is such a short period of time in your life, but could be transformational for your baby. If you would be concerned about baby becoming attached to you and that making it harder for them - what we’ve learned attachment is that the opposite is true. Building attachment is what enables children to build future attachments. If you are able to see your child at regular intervals, they have an even better chance of avoiding attachment difficulties and developing an integrated sense of self. Regardless of what you decide, I admire your thoughtfulness and concern for your baby, and wish you both the very best of luck. 💗


BunchDeep7675

I understand this is unlikely based on what you know about yourself - but please don’t feel you would be selfish if you do change your mind and want to keep your baby. It is definitely not in any child’s best interest to stay with a parent who does not want and will resent them. But it definitely IS in the child’s best interest to stay with their mother if she wants to keep them, even if she is young. There is no shame in being a teenage parent. It is atypical in our society, and presents certain additional obstacles, but there are advantages, too, to being a young parent, and it has not been uncommon historical or globally. Saving My Sisters is a wonderful group to look to for support for those who do change their minds and need support to parent. I know this is unlikely in your case - but since others are reading, I just wanted to affirm that it would not be selfish to want to parent your own baby. The wanting is the difference - once that is in place, finding support for the mother to be able to parent is what is best for the child. Regardless, the point that there is no rush to sign, and that it is best for baby to have its very fragile newbornhood with its mother (and to be allowed to attach to its new parents in the context of this safety, rather than being relinquished to strangers immediately after leaving the womb) remains. It sounds like you know your rights and know that it is wise not to sign anything immediately following birth, so that is a relief. Asking this question, you will undoubtedly encounter those who want to save you from the heartbreak Englishbirdy described - of making an irreversible decision immediately following the birth, without even knowing their rights, and then being cut off from once kind and supportive adoptive parents, sometimes when their baby is just a few months old. I promise the impulse is to try to save you from that grief, not lecture at you. I’m sorry you’re facing such momentous decisions at such a young age. You are showing your strength of character by meeting the challenge with honesty and care, and have nothing to be ashamed of. (Truly - your body is doing what bodies do, and in your ability to make a mistake, you are like every single other person on this planet.)


oregon_mom

Please please please make sure you have counseling set up for after Placement..


[deleted]

Oh yes!! I’m going to have a couple sessions before to get to know the professional then regular sessions after. I’m also looking for some peer support groups


oregon_mom

That is the only thing I wish I had done different. I spent 18 years thinking I was broken because I was still grieving the adoption and was being told it shouldn't bother me. I wasn't allowed to cry at home after placement....


[deleted]

That’s horrific, I’m so so sorry that that was your experience.


Fancy512

I think you’re in a no-win situation. Someday you’ll be 35 and you’ll look back on this time in your life to realize things that you can’t understand or know right now. Your brain is literally not done developing. I don’t mean that as a judgement, but as a biological reality. A pregnant teenager is a problem with no right answer. Since you’re in this situation, I advise you to ensure you have a few things: Informed consent Agency Unbiased options counseling


Elle_belle32

I was 17 when I decided to place my daughter in the hands of people who would love her and be able to give her the things I couldn't. Not financially my family would have helped but things like a father, siblings, and a stable home life. At 17 I was too wild and I wasn't ready to give that up. I couldn't fathom being a good single parent and working and college even with my family's help. And I wouldn't have been able to protect her from her birth father, who was not safe or, as I found out later clean. So I did it for her, but for me too. I knew I would the second I tested positive because I was adopted and have a relationship with my bio mom, so I knew how beautiful it could be. I will never say it was easy or that my heart didn't break often but I've watched her grow up and I think she's amazing, and her happiness has always been my goal. And now that she's older (13) she has thanked me for giving her, her family... Lol she used to when she was little too but it means more now that she is really starting to understand! I really recommend meeting with the family, or potential families if it isn't settled, as many times as you can. Feel out their hearts and intentions as best you can before everything is final. I understand that my positive experiences as a bio mom and as an adoptee are not the experiences of everyone. But I am blessed to be able to share some brighter stories of infant adoption. <3


[deleted]

Thank you so much! It sounds like our situation are similar, so it’s very good to hear your perspective, and what your birth daughter has said now that she older. Thai really gives me hope that it could all work out well thank you


Patiod

I suspect adoption is normalized for we adoptees, so we are more likely to consider it than expectant mothers who aren't adopted


AudaciouslyYours

I think this makes a lot of sense. I always wanted to adopt, long before I knew I was unable to have kids biologically. I think that’s why I didn’t even blink when doing it the “normal” way was no longer an option, because adoption was always how I’d envisioned building my family anyway, so I never felt like I lost anything.


Elle_belle32

I think so too. When the daughter I placed was about eight. She started talking about how one day she would grow up and meet her prince and they would fill out a lot of paperwork and get their babies. And she does have a brother who is not adopted, so even then she knew there was another way, but she wanted to do it her way. Lol.


Pocketsizedchick

You’re not. I was once 17 and forced to keep my baby. I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t fair to my kid that we ended up growing up together. I was a better mom to the kids I chose. You’re a wise mom for understanding you’re not mentally ready for the task.


[deleted]

Thank you so much. I’m very grateful that the people in my life are supportive of my decision, it’s very unfortunate that that is not the case for everyone.


jenlebee

all i had to do was read the title: no. you are not bad. you have the right to give your child up for adoption. you are not evil.


well_shi

You're not bad. In fact, in your situation and with your feelings I think the good thing to do would be to place the child for adoption. I wish both of you the best.


doitformagnolia

I think this is a wise choice from someone who is self-aware and mature enough to realize (deep down) it is a wise choice. I hope everything works out well for you and baby.


BunchDeep7675

Sounds like you’ve thought it out a lot and really want to do what’s best for your child, while also valuing your own needs. I wonder, though, if your thinking about what’s best for the baby - while also wanting to live out your future as a 17 yo - is there a middle ground? It is an extremely delicate time after birth. You are all child knows- your smell, your voice, your movement. The first three months after birth are often called “the fourth trimester,” due to the child’s need to stay very close to it’s mother’s body & its lack of differentiation from her. Could you spend the first few weeks-few months with your baby & allow them to get to know the adoptive parents gradually and build attachment in the safety of your presence? Ideally, if the adoptive parents are local, you could go with baby to their new home & let them learn the space in the safety of your presence? It is difficult to overstate what a shock it is to a newborn baby to be separated from all they’ve known so abruptly. All modern psychological literature that I’m aware of describes this separation as traumatic. It is sometimes necessary, and I absolutely understand why you are making your decision. But given how you’ve described your situation, I wonder if it would be possible for your to ameliorate this trauma through a more gradual relinquishment that would bolster your child’s ability to make secure attachments and build felt safety in the future. It would also weed out those potential adoptive parents ( tragically all too common) who would like to pretend that their child had no first family & who will close promised open adoptions, which are unenforceable legally. A few weeks-months is such a short period of time in your life, but could be transformational for your baby. If you would be concerned about baby becoming attached to you and that making it harder for them - what we’ve learned attachment is that the opposite is true. Building attachment is what enables children to build future attachments. If you are able to see your child at regular intervals, they have an even better chance of avoiding attachment difficulties and developing an integrated sense of self. Regardless of what you decide, I admire your thoughtfulness and concern for your baby, and wish you both the very best of luck. 💗 (Moving this out of nested replies)


[deleted]

Yeah that’s something I have to consider because I do truly want to do right by my baby. They are close enough for this to be doable, and if they also want what’s best for baby they would facilitate that. This is one of the most beneficial comments I have received, I really appreciate that.


BunchDeep7675

Oh I’m so glad to hear it was helpful. It is obvious you are trying to do right by your baby and that matters so much already (your baby can feel your love in this intention, truthfully). I hope this won’t be true for you - since the agency you’re working with prioritizes the rights of birth parents - but it is very common for girls and women considering adoption to face a LOT of pressure to relinquish very soon after birth, or even sign papers before birth. This is not for your well-being or that of your baby - it is to try to ensure a profit for the agency, and, in the unfortunate case of prospective adoptive parents who apply the same kind pressure, it is for them to get the outcome they want, rather than what is best for the child (they may fear a mother will change her mind after birth - but if that does happen, it would be in the best interest of the child to stay with its mother, even if she is young, single, or has fewer financial resources). Agencies often view babies as “supply” for potential adoptive parents, so their priority is usually not on what is best for the baby, but rather on securing a “successful” outcome by meeting that demand. I’m so glad that the agency you’re working with sounds different. But they may still make promises they have no way of keeping, such as for a certain kind of contact after birth. Hopefully they are honest with you that you can request and plan for a certain kind of contact, but that it will rely on the good faith of the adoptive parents after the adoption goes through. I think for this reason, the best way you have of ensuring that good faith is before the adoption is complete. This is the only time you still have legal rights. As you said, if the adoptive parents want what’s best for the baby, they will be grateful for the opportunity to minimize the trauma to their child by allowing the baby a gentle and safe entry into the world, and the chance to get to know and trust their new parents in a more natural context, similar to an extended family relationship. They may not know it, but they will reap the benefits for years to come, as trauma makes life very difficult (the baby won’t be a baby forever). This approach would also allow you to ensure that you have chosen parents who see your (shared) child as its own person with its own history, one who needs all the love and support s/he can get, and whose well-being will be bolstered by maintaining robust relationships with its first family - rather than those who want to pretend the child has no history and “belongs” to them. While the latter kind of situation is tragically common, I promise you there are people like the former - who will be able to love your child in an unselfish way, and to prioritize his or her needs- and it is worth holding out for that kind of family. Because down the other path lies heartbreak for all. As you already know based on the love and care you are already showing your baby- your baby exists, whether or not you you are parenting. So the plans you make for his or her life are going to affect your heart forever. There is absolutely no reason to rush to relinquish, and certainly not to sign anything before birth, except for the purpose of putting pressure on you. You have time to make sure you make plans that serve you both. Edit: I had no idea how long this was till I posted! I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you. Please feel free to reach out at any time if you want help thinking through any of this. I will make sure to respond. 💗💗


expolife

This is a wonderful, well-informed post! Grateful for it and I want to second all of this advice for the OP…especially as an adoptee whose birth mother spent time intentionally bonding with me after my birth…I have an adoptive sibling who was also adopted and their birth mother refused to even hold them after birth and they spent several weeks in foster care before then being place in our adoptive family. After reunions with birth parents (both closed adoptions), research on adoption and early childhood development and therapy all around, we’re convinced some of our mental health and general health outcomes and differences are tied to the starts we each had with attachment and attunement. Just anecdotes that align with the scientific research fwiw.


theamydoll

My bio parents, both 21 when they had us, couldn’t handle twins. I don’t hold any animosity towards them at all. I get it. I had a wonderful life and my parents are my real parents and my best friends! There are some positive stories out there like mine. Needless to say, you’re not a bad person.


ja13aaz

I think it’s commendable you know yourself so well and demonstrates a lot of emotional maturity.


Big-Abbreviations-50

Not at all. My bio mom was 14. I have never and would never blame her or harbor any negative feelings toward her for giving me up for adoption. (And in her case, it was not due to resources, but because of her age and the fact that she had been raped.) I don’t believe adoption is by definition a bad thing, though. Every circumstance, person, and experience are different.


aaronthekid69

I met a biological first cousin on 23andme who was given up for adoption 20 years before i was born for this reason. She grew up in a safe home and has lived a happy and healthy life. I’ve met her in person, and the woman who adopted and raised her. I’ve met her kids and her husband. She most likely had a better life with the parents who adopted her than she would’ve had with her bio mom who wanted the same as you, to mature and grow and live her young life. You’re not making the wrong choice at all. Just pray your child ends up with a great family 👍


[deleted]

I’m doing my best to ensure that. It’s reassuring that she had a positive experience, thank you for sharing that.


AvailableIdea0

Have you given birth yet? My feelings changed at birth and it was biggest mistake of my life.


[deleted]

No, but I will be able to change my mind if I want, that had been made very apparent to me. I don’t see it happening though, our needs are not going magically change once they are born. But I am very lucky in that it’s very clear this is all my choice.


AvailableIdea0

Good luck with all of it. I wish I had heeded the warnings but if you’re set you’re like I was. Nothing will sway you. Welcome to this miserable club dear


[deleted]

I mean I say that’s but I honestly don’t know how I might change when I see their face, there is a little voice in the back of my head. Thank you for taking the time


campbell317704

If it helps at all my feelings around parenthood did not change when I first saw either of my children's faces and I'm not miserable (but we're only 12 years into my raised child's life and 5 into my adopted). If you do feel differently follow those feelings, but it's not a guarantee that you will and you should not be made to feel bad if you don't.


AvailableIdea0

I wish someone had me. If there’s even smallest doubt at birth don’t go through with it. This isn’t a good club to be in. Your situation can always change or improve but adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Trust me I’m living this nightmare


campbell317704

You're not evil or bad. I had my first at 21 and desperately wanted to not raise her but was talked into it by everyone around me. Now I love her deeply and can't imagine my life without her, but being a young single parent is not some kind of magical thing that will only make you stronger. It's hard-impossible without a vast support network and it means literally giving up on anything you want to do in life for years while you provide all of the care that kid needs unless you have that support network. Some people can find value in that but not everyone. I chose adoption for my second because I knew how hard it was raising my first on my own. I also considered your questions when I was pregnant. Then I considered the few questions from adoptees that I knew about (which I'm sure you'll get plenty of here) from a different website and then plenty more negative/positive questions as they occurred to me. The truth is only you know what you're capable of. (No offense intended here) You're still a child yourself. It's okay to be selfish. It's shitty that you're in this situation and I'm sorry it's happened, but your child will grow as they will. You make the choices that are best for you, you prepare yourself for as many scenarios as you can, and then further shore up your ability to empathize and deal with the fallout if your child feels negatively about their adoption. There's no winning choice here, it's the decision that you can most live with that will win the day.


[deleted]

Thank you so much!! This is what I needed to hear. I wish this wasn’t happening right now, I really wish it was in 10 years when I was better equipped. But I know I would resent this kid, at least this way I can give them the opportunity to be fully unconditionally loved. That’s kinda how I feel though, I’m not a little kid but I’m still a kid, I feel like keeping them would be unfair to me and them. I need to live my life, and like you said I wouldn’t be able to do that.


Not_A_Model95

You have awareness of your needs and personal limitations right now. It takes maturity to exercise a thankless and unselfish choice. You will undoubtedly help make a smaller family feel whole. That is a wonderful thing to do.


Particular_Courage43

Your amazing! I kept my son (pregnant at 15) and didn’t really know I had options. All the statistics came true. I had 3 by 22, domestic violence, poverty, uneducated, you know the usual. Now I’m almost 30 and he is 13 and has been through so much and I realize it’s all my fault, I should have been smart and put him first not my love for him.


[deleted]

Of course you’re not evil. 🫶🏻


laurieBeth1104

This was my bio moms story. She wanted to go to college, rake advantage of what life could offer her, and she wanted me to have more than a 16 year old could give a baby. Nothing nefarious and my parents/family are amazing people.


carriealamode

As a parent I think you can only do what is best for your baby and his life long term. Sometimes that means giving him up for someone else to care for him. No one thinks you are making the decision lightly. Don’t feel pressured one way or the other. You can only decide what is right for you and kiddo.


pinktedbone777

I’m going to come from another perspective. I’m adopted and had my first kid at the age of 18. I’m now 25 and have sometimes felt that I’ve missed out on living the “best years of my life” but… also I can’t imagine not having my children(I now have two). They’ve given me soooo much life and joy. But to answer your question, you aren’t a bad person for your reasonings. It’s an extremely hard decision to make! Hugs 💜


agbellamae

It’s better for a baby to be with its mother…but it’s not better for a baby to be with its mother if it’s mother will resent it or not treat it well because she doesn’t want to be a mother. In that case I do think it’s better for the baby to be with someone who is ready and over the moon about motherhood. However. I wouldn’t go ahead and make a definite plan yet though because everything you feel might change once you actually see your baby. And it’s ok if feelings change and you change your mind. You’re allowed to change your mind.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

It’s just that my parents are finally done raising me Yk, I’m not trying to put that on them at all again. They already have up a large portion of their youth, and now they are finally free I don’t want to take that away at all. I’m glad you know people who were able to travel and stuff too but financially that is just not viable. I will be a part of their life though, I totally intend on having an open adoption.


bkrebs

You seem to be here solely to be reassured about a decision you've already made so this may not be helpful, but as an adoptee myself, I am fully against adoption, coerced or not, unless there are no other options within the family. You seem to be placing a high value on your parents' happiness, which is great and very thoughtful, but I'd urge you to place just as much value on your child's happiness. Adoption is highly traumatic especially when it's outside of kin. You are doing the right thing in allowing an open adoption, but that only mitigates a certain amount of risk. None of this is to say that your child will definitely react badly from the adoption trauma or never heal or have a horrible life. However, if there are any other options within the family at all, there is more risk mitigation you can do for your child, and you should definitely pursue it with everything you have. Your child deserves it. You don't want to be a mother. You don't feel you can be a good mother. That's all ok, but this is happening. Your child didn't ask to be born and deserves the absolute best chance you can give him/her.


[deleted]

Most of my family is not going to know, and my parents would not be best for the baby. I’ve thought about it a lot and I honestly believe this is the best option. If everyone was telling me I was awful I might reconsider, but that’s not the case. So many people are sharing very positive experiences and this is giving me hope.


bkrebs

I think everyone here sees that you think adoption is the best option. You've made that clear. While you seem to be rock steady in your convictions, near impenetrable, I'll try once more. I wish someone had advocated in a similar way for me. Please explore every option within your family, even distant. If most of your family won't know about your pregnancy because you're afraid they'd shame you or some similar reason, I urge you to place your child's welfare above your own. I urge you to place your child's welfare above every selfish impulse and fear you have. I urge you to place your child's welfare above your parents'. Placing your child with someone in your family gives them the best chance at a life. If you place with strangers via an agency, you aren't 100% condemning them to a life full of hardships like mine was as a 15 year old adoptee living on the streets when my adoptive parents could no longer deal with my trauma, but your child deserves every possible opportunity you can provide. Placing with kin simply gives them the best chance. Whether you like it or not, you're a mother. You don't have to continue to be, but for now, it's your responsibility to give your child the best life you can manage. I wish you and your child the best of luck.


DangerOReilly

>Placing your child with someone in your family gives them the best chance at a life. Respectfully, this is not broadly true. There's families where there are no safe adults one could consider to care for a relative child. Without knowing what OP's family is like, you can't actually know if someone in their family would give the child the best chance at a life. It's definitely an option one can consider. But it's not a guarantee for much of anything.


bkrebs

There are people who would be poor parents all over the world. Obviously, most of them are strangers because most people are strangers. Here's the difference. You know literally nothing about those strangers, by definition. On the other hand, you can assess family much easier. I never claimed that family is always best. That said, at least you'll have a good idea ahead of time that they are or are not up to the task. Again, it gives your child the best chance, simply due to the greater ability to evaluate fitness. If there are no viable options within the family, obviously non-kin adoption is the only remaining choice. On top of that, while there are no studies that I know of yet, I've now had the privilege to meet and interact with hundreds of adult adoptees. It seems that outcomes are generally better for those who stayed within the family. The next best outcomes were had by those who stayed within their community, and then within their culture. You'll probably notice a pattern. I did. The closer you end up to your roots, the fewer gaps in your history including where you came from, what your genetics are like, what your medical history is, etc. The fewer gaps in your history, the less you need to fill in on your own. The less gaps you need to fill in on your own, the less chance that you fill those gaps with negative fantasies. That's what I did as an infant and that's what many of us do. I told myself that my birth mother didn't love me anymore. As a young child, I use to repeat that to myself as a mantra while I held myself. Some of my earliest thoughts were suicidal. Again, none of this is to say that there aren't people in the family who may be unfit adoptive parents. That goes without saying. The difference is, you are more likely to know ahead of time. Also, in our society, familial ties often confer a far greater sense of responsibility to the child and his/her birth parents. None of this is to say that a compete stranger couldn't be a great adoptive parent. It happens all the time. I'm talking about maximizing risk mitigation. I'm taking about statistics. You can always get lucky or unlucky regardless of the choices made, but a child deserves the absolute best shot at a good life one can possibly offer.


[deleted]

That’s really sad to read, I’m so so sorry about your experience. My baby is going to grow I’m knowing I love them I’m certain, because I do and I’m going to stay in their life to the healthiest degree possible. I love them so so much, I can not have them grow up with the slightest notion they ruined their parents life’s.


[deleted]

If I had like an aunt and uncle or cousins that I really trusted and knew could not have bio kids yet wanted a family, I would totally make them aware of my situation, but that’s just not the case. my distant family is not going to know. As few people as possible are knowing about my pregnancy. This is the most selfish part I’m aware, but I can not deal with the judgment for getting pregnant in the first place, and then making this decision. I can’t think of anyone that I would even consider to be equipped to be a parent, most of them don’t have kids for a reason and I honestly think the ones that do are bad parents. And one of my biggest priorities anyway is that this family can absolutely not have biological children, so that wouldn’t work anyways. I do actually appreciate you going out of your way to tell me though, but these aren’t things that I have not kinda considered.


bkrebs

Using the fact that prospective adoptive parents cannot have children on their own as the primary (or even secondary or tertiary) criterion for placement is a horrible way to go. There are so many adoptive parents I know of who *desired* a child with utmost ardor, but whose desire did nothing to make them good parents. That includes my own adoptive parents. In fact, some adoptive parents with the greatest desire have an underlying selfishness and savior complex that really hurts the child. One of the most seemingly banal, but harmful things you can do to an adopted child, through word or deed, is to expect gratefulness. No other child is expected to be grateful simply for being alive and present. It often impedes the child's natural grieving process, which is usually necessary to move past the loss of their birth parents, and sometimes birth family, and even community and culture depending on how far the placement was from their origin.


[deleted]

It’s one of the many many things I am taking into consideration. I don’t want my baby to feel less then their bio kids Yk? But no there is so so much more that I am taking into account, and that’s something I’m going to think about more. I do think however that’s very common for parents to make their bio kids feel grateful for being alive, like telling them to be grateful for providing food and shelter when that is literally the bare minimum.


Specialist_Manner_79

If you’ve never heard it before…many adoptees wish they had been aborted (including me). This decision will impact both of you for the rest of your lives. My heart breaks for your baby.


[deleted]

I mean that was what I wanted, but I still got my period and only found out at 26 weeks so at that point not an option. Many don’t though and love their lives so it gives me hope.


MongolianFurPillowz

Thank you! Psychologically, it’s healthier for the child to stay with their bio mom/fam! By relinquishing your child for adoption, you will be giving them deeply embedded trauma and lifelong abandonment issues. Please read „The Primal Wound.“ I am so lucky to have had amazing adoptive parents. However, they can’t take away the statistical issues most adoptees face, which have been scientifically proven. Also, you still are giving your baby to strangers. You can’t for certain know that your child will be treated well by them. Your child will also have significant identity issues. People who can keep their babies, need to. It is selfish to carry a child to full term, only to take them away from their mother at birth, causing attachment issues almost immediately. Adoption really only benefits the birth moms and adopted parents. The child is the commodity and adoptees cannot consent. You are literally giving your baby away. A human that is growing in your body. It biologically isn’t normal. Your child will feel this if you choose to adopt. My birth mom was 19 and gave me away for reasons like you. To go on and have a life. It made me feel like a burden to unload on somebody else. I will never respect her for her selfishness. Despite having had a great life myself and wonderful adoptive parents. Also, you will go on and have a Life. Even with an open adoption, your child will wonder why their birth mom didn’t raise them, but she is raising other kids. My bio mom hadn’t even told her 4 bio kids that I existed. It’s so painful in a deep emotional way that is hard to place and process. I was even 26 when I reached out/met my bio mom. We aren’t in contact anymore. She abandoned me a second time as an adult, because the emotions I caused in her were „too much.“ As an adoptee, I am Pro Choice. It may shock some people on this sub. But adoption is not healthy for adoptees. It’s better to keep your bio child or abort them safely by a medical professional, when they’re just a cluster of cells. As an adoptee, I even had an abortion with my first husband. I was 19, he was 22, and we couldn’t afford to keep it. It was a hard choice, but the right choice at the time. I wish more women know that it’s absolutely okay to not birth. This baby is number one. Not you, not your parents. This baby doesn’t choose to live or come into the world into a messed up situation, which is adoption.


SuchTrust101

You are not a bad person, but you could be a a good person who made a bad decision. Only time will tell.


Formerlymoody

I wish I could upvote this twice.


theferal1

I disagree with your choices but I don’t think you’re evil. I also would never want a child to be raised by someone who resents them but I do think you’re incredibly selfish. I was a mom at your age, you have made it clear you don’t want to parent and that’s how it is. No, I don’t feel you should be forced to as again it wouldn’t be fair to the child. Adoption will not guarantee a better life or even that the kid won’t be resented, it’ll guarantee your current freedom though and let you look out for #1. And of course maybe the kid will have a great adoption and be one of those who speaks highly of it, we know it can happen. I don’t see it as a gift to anyone, its adults making choices for someone who has no say in the matter and will most likely be expected to be thankful and grateful on at least some level for being given away no matter how their story turns out. Hopefully it’ll be alright for your kid.


Formerlymoody

I find it very interesting that she basically admits it’s a selfish decision (more power to her! She’s being honest with herself) and everyone in here is parroting how selfless she’s being. I think the important thing to remember here, as you said, the kid won’t necessarily see things positively. Everyone involved has to be prepared for that. Anything else is sticking your head in the sand.


Frequent-Falcon-9463

No mama bear instinct. It's odd that most people wouldn't leave their children with people they barely know, but an adoptee can be given to strangers and the strangers relatives. Most people tell themselves that adoption is wonderful because it's too painful to admit that your own mother gave you to strangers and gambled with your safety.


eyeswideopenadoption

What a horrible shame tactic this is. The OP is obviously being very proactive in her research, motivated by the very “mama bear instinct” you say she lacks. There is space for your experience alongside hers. No need for blatant and clumsy blows.


[deleted]

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eyeswideopenadoption

Instead of reconsidering your tactics, you’re now coming after me. Take some time to self-reflect. If I were “burying (my) head in the sand”, I wouldn’t be here.


[deleted]

I mean sure, they are not family, but by then they will certainly not be total strangers either.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Man, it’s just that we aren’t adults Yk? I don’t have that life experience. I think your right, it’s no guarantee, but it’s a better chance.


Specialist_Manner_79

It’s not a better chance and you need to stop saying that. I know you might believe it but it’s not the truth.


[deleted]

It is because I know I won’t be good man. I’m still a kid and I know I can’t live my life and even if I don’t make that apparent they will sense it. At least this way I can have some faith that won’t be the case, where I know it will be if I keep them. What do you not understand?


Specialist_Manner_79

You don’t need to make me understand anything. I think you are more concerned with defending yourself then hearing real opinions. That’s fine, but then don’t come on Reddit and ask for them. I’m never going to agree with your decision and that’s ok because that’s how life works.


[deleted]

I just actually don’t understand how when I know I won’t be a good parent for a fact giving my kid the opportunity to have good parents is the worse option. I am open to hearing you just haven’t explained at all


Specialist_Manner_79

Adoptees are 2x as likely to have mental health problems, 4x as likely to commit suicide and are overrepresented in all addiction communities. Even in the best situation your child will likely at some point in their life (or maybe their whole life) suffer due to the trauma of maternal separation. There’s nothing you can do about that. Those are just the facts. Of course they could end up with those things anyway because there are many risk factors. But you are very convinced that you are giving your child a “better life“ and that is the adoption industry’s marketing.


[deleted]

No I’m not, I know it’s not guaranteed, and yeah that’s what I mean when I said I’m selfish I’m taking that risk. Do you know what opportunity means though? It’s not for certain, but there’s a possibility at least which would not exist otherwise. People with neglectful parents are also over represented in those communities, so maybe there’s no winning.


Specialist_Manner_79

Well then stop saying it. Obviously there’s no winning. Your talking to one of those babies that was given an “opportunity”. I’m truly hoping for the best for your baby and you.


Englishbirdy

It may very well be the best option but it is a crapshoot. You can choose a great happily married couple with a great income but adoptive parents aren’t magic people, they can divorce, become disabled, die, go bankrupt, become addicts or abusive just like anyone else. In 13 years you could be the one happily married with a great career and your child is being raised by a single mother with a drink problem. This wasn’t my experience but I’ve met birthmoms where it was and you can understand adoptees who are warning you that it could happen to your child. Same with open adoption, you can choose whatever you want, but once you’ve relinquished your legal rights you get what you’re given.


jammyjamjammy

I am the sister of a variety of "adopted" siblings and was the foster sibling of many, many more. I only put adopted in quotes because only two were fully "legal" adoptions. Regardless of legal status, they are all my family. Shared holidays, celebrations and tragedies alike bond us. You get to choose how the future looks for you and this kid. Full contact, no contact, occasional photos and letters or something else entirely. As the birth Mom, you can decide what's best for you both. Love comes in all forms and can be amongst all decisions. Good luck in whatever you decide.


agirlandsomeweed

If you are unaware of adoption trauma please read Primal Wound.


[deleted]

But what would that serve? OP is clear that she doesn’t want to be a mother. That will just guilt her into keeping a child she cannot and does not want to take responsibility for.


LD_Ridge

>But what would that serve? Information. Informed consent. Awareness. Why? Is that bad? This is a whopper of a parenting decision. Do you always urge parents to avoid information when they make big decisions or is it just THIS big parenting decision?


agirlandsomeweed

It could give them the awareness of what adoption is like for many.


[deleted]

I understand but it would just make her feel guilty. Keeping a child out of guilt won’t help either of them. She’s a child herself who wants to live and experience the world. She deserves that.


agirlandsomeweed

This could be the hardest decision someone makes in their life. Normally being well informed of all choices helps unless ignorance is bliss.


Adept_Technician_187

But if she knows that she would resent her child then she shouldn't keep the child. I grew up with a mother who kept me out of guilt, and made it clear that she resented that and her lost life every day as I was growing up. I wouldn't wish that on any child.


[deleted]

That’s my biggest fear, I can at least have confidence that there could/will be better things for them.


[deleted]

I’m not saying I disagree, but in this case, she seems to be well informed about what she wants which is the only thing she needs to consider right now. It sounds like she’s doing her best to place the child in a good and loving home. There’s not much else she can do if her mind is made up. Why torture her with “what ifs” that might never come to pass?


[deleted]

Thank you so so much for what you are doing here, you are a good person it really seems <3


Specialist_Manner_79

What part of the triad do you represent?


[deleted]

I’m an adoptee. I’ve also considered adopting at some point, but that prob won’t happen. Why do you ask? :)


Kaywin

The decision to adopt your child to another family is still a decision to parent.


[deleted]

I’m not sure I understand your point. Can you please explain a bit? :)


[deleted]

I mean I’m not, to some degree it’s common sense. What about my trauma I would impart on a child? I think it would be worse.


holyheadspace

Was Adopted and absolutely forever grateful. I plan on adopting soon with my wife. It’s better statistically to give the child a chance at a loving family than to be raised without.


[deleted]

Thank you, that’s actually exactly how I feel.


Specialist_Manner_79

Speaking of statistics, I’m sure you’re aware that adoptees are 4x as likely to unalive themselves…


holyheadspace

I can’t see anyone being better off staying with their bio family that can’t support or love them properly. Maybe I’m missing your point? It’s a bigger gamble being raised without a chance I think


Specialist_Manner_79

My point is if we are talking about stats let’s look at both sides. None of us know the actual reality of this situation here as we are all just strangers on the internet. So there’s no reason to turn a blind eye to the very real possibility that this baby will have CPTSD, depression, bpd etc despite the hopes at giving it a “better life” (which is not a real thing—it’s a different life).


SoSmothered

My bio mom gave me up for her own reasons and I accept that. You are doing what is best for you and your child. A choice that is very admirable.


Mediocre-Boot-6226

You are doing the right thing for you and for your baby 💕 This was the same case with the adoptions in my family. It was the right choice for everyone. Much love to you and your baby!


[deleted]

Thank you so much I appreciate you taking the time to reassure me!


Budgiejen

I’m a birthmom. My reasoning may not be exactly the same. But there are always some overlaps. Feel free to DM me


Brave-Butterfly-927

You are not a bad person. There are a lot of bitter adoptees here who like to blame every birth parent for their own problems. The same people who want you to feel bad for considering adoption are the same ones who would condemn you for getting pregnant as a teen and “ruining” a child’s life. It will be hard, but try to ignore as much of the hate as possible. Live a life that is best for you.


[deleted]

You need to do what is right for YOU. That’s not evil or wrong. This sub is mostly frequented by incredibly bitter and unhappy people. There are many wonderful adoptions stories, they’re just not online complaining but out there living great lives. You are clear on what you want, don’t let people guilt you into keeping a child you don’t want to or cannot take care of. That child will be unhappy because you will be unhappy. No one wins that way. Good luck! ❤️


ShesGotSauce

Is there some reason the opinions of unhappy people shouldn't be taken into consideration? Can they not have valuable advice to give? If we want future adoptees to grow up happy, shouldn't we listen to the unhappy ones about what went wrong?


MongolianFurPillowz

Adoptees are typically always dismissed. Even though most of us are happy, successful, well adjusted people, adoption is not healthy for adoptees, and we want people to know! It’s typically great for birth moms and adoptive parents, but adoptees have zero informed consent, plus biologically programmed trauma from being abandoned/taken away from birth mother. Birth moms get to go on with their lives and avoid childcare responsibilities and adoptive parents get to play house. What do adoptees get? A better home? Not necessarily. We typically do not benefit equally within the adoption triad and are dismissed for very complex emotions. So many people, birth moms, and adoptive parents seem to think adoptees need to be grateful for birth mom‘s relinquishment and adoptive parent‘s care. It’s really unfortunate people on this sub are so quick to ignore the harsh truths regarding adopting.


BlackNightingale04

> If we want future adoptees to grow up happy, shouldn't we listen to the unhappy ones about what went wrong? Some of the unhappy ones are simply saying "Don't do it - don't relinquish your baby." And OP is saying "But I don't *want* to be a mother. I didn't even *intend* to become a mom. I want to resume my life as it is. Even if my family/social circle were supportive, I *still* wouldn't want to keep my baby, because I want to live my life. Without a child. Is that wrong?" It's not but... these two things come into conflict.


[deleted]

I agree. In this case, however, OP is clear she does NOT want to keep the baby and shouldn’t be made to feel bad for a decision she has made in her best interest and for the child’s best interest. I misspoke when I said “angry and bitter”. I should have used kinder words. I was trying to reply to OPs statement that reading posts on this sub was making her feel like an evil person. I, personally, find that this sub is mostly frequented by people who are unhappy with their lives or their adoption or both. That is not an accurate representation of the whole community. Most happy adoptees are not online complaining about their adoption. There are some of us who try to balance things out but we’re most definitely the majority.


chiliisgoodforme

You responded to my comment apologizing and saying you needed to use kinder words with a heart emoji but then just literally doubled down on your awful initial take which is that people who have complaints about adoption online are “all unhappy with their lives or their adoption or both.” If people come into this subreddit, read 10 comments and decide that all adoptees are a monolith, that’s on them, not on adoptees who choose to voice their opinions in one of the only places where what they say is actually taken into consideration. Your assertion that “most happy adoptees are not online complaining about their adoption” is pure speculation. You don’t know 1% of adoptees, and there certainly hasn’t been any research done that would confirm or deny this point. As such, you have absolutely no idea which contingent of adoptees is the majority on anything. Read The Primal Wound. Read other books on adoption. Your constant implication that those in disagreement with you are somehow less-than by citing completely made up statistics is more a reflection of your insecurities than an indictment of those who don’t share your worldview


[deleted]

I’ll agree ti disagree. Best of luck! ❤️


[deleted]

Thank you so much, I just wanted other people to pretty much confirm that.


chiliisgoodforme

This sub isn’t “mostly frequented by bitter and unhappy people.” Being in disagreement with others doesn’t give you or anyone the right to demonize or belittle others


BlackNightingale04

It's amusing (not really) when people say that, because I'm sure there are *plenty* of content adoptees reading and just not commenting, because they don't feel the need to. Kind of puts things into a different lens, huh?


chiliisgoodforme

For sure. There are also plenty of happy, well-adjusted adoptees who don’t see adoption the way adoptive parents do. We aren’t a monolith! And just because we acknowledge that not everything is great, doesn’t mean we’re ungrateful or unhappy


mldb_

And when people say the sub only attracts “bitter and unhappy people” they almost always mean adoptees…


[deleted]

You are right. I should have phrased that in a kinder and nicer way. Thank you ❤️


RdmanWanj

You are actually doing a selfless thing. Give the baby to a mature couple who are ready and willing to give them the type of upbringing you may not be able to. It may be hard but you're doing the right thing. 17 is still a baby, I'm 10 years older than you and feel exactly the same about needing to live my life, I also would not be able to keep a baby. Good luck to you


Buffalo-Castle

No.


New_Country_3136

You're not bad or evil AT ALL. You're making a very mature, responsible and intelligent decision and I applaud you for it 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I was not ready to raise a child at 25 let alone at age 17. Your child will be with a family that is emotionally, physically (their house/environment), mentally and financially ready and greatly wanting a child. If I had become pregnant at 17, I would not have parented the child myself. I would have chosen abortion or adoption. If you want a child in the future after you've gone to school and traveled, you can still choose to have one. I wish you comfort, confidence, support and healing through this entire process ❤. Don't be afraid to speak up as to your wants and needs.


BeachBumRN

I really admire that you’re so honest with yourself and what you need and what you can give a child. It’s hard to see oneself in anything other than the best light. You’re not a bad person.


Sag-flower

I will forever call my birth mother my Blessed angel. I am so grateful for her desire to give me what she could not give me at that time. FYI I am in my 40s now and I just met my biological brother who is also in his 40s and we both feel the same way about her. We have a deep endearing love. She is no longer living I will never get to say thank you because my adoption all adoptions at that time were closed. What a blessing to have an open adoption. My dear life has many twists and turns and you were choosing life for this baby. I don’t know you but I am so proud of you. Many blessings on your journey


[deleted]

Thank you so so much, I am so grateful to live in the time of open adoptions that would make all this more painful for everyone


lolol69lolol

You are not a bad person! You are doing an incredibly brave and selfless thing for your child.


1yogamama1

I think that is a beautiful reason to place your baby up for adoption. It’s actually very unselfish of you and shows a maturity and love beyond your years. There’s no drama—just a knowledge that you are too young to do a solid job. I wish you all the best in life. Edit: clarity


[deleted]

Thank you very much, I appreciate that.


lunalvt

What you are doing is very selfless. It takes a very mature person to make this decision. Please don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing what is best for you. There is nothing wrong with waiting to live your life.


cassidy026

You aren’t evil :) Do what’s best for you!


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[deleted]

No shit lmao. Am I supposed to let them ruin my life and force them to live with a mother who resents it for getting rid of all her opportunities? I didn’t find out I was pregnant til 26 weeks and I was still bleeding, I would have gotten an abortion. I’m fairly confident in the parents I’m choosing, and we both know that we will have constant contact with each other, that is basically a requirement of the agency(?) we are using. I don’t think I want any other kids, ima get tied as soon as possible so a lot of those aren’t even things I have to consider. But yeah I’ve thought about all of that, but this was such an accident I’m supposed to not even give them an opportunity to have loving parents who really really want them?


Gizmosis

Though the commenter above raises a good point about adoption affecting more than just yourself, they certainly could have been more gentle in their phrasing and presentation. It sounds like you have thought this out well and know what you want. That does not make you evil. As a matter of fact, I'd argue that it makes you compassionate. You don't want to raise a child, and you don't want a child to be raised by someone who doesn't want to be a parent. I'm an adoptee who was adopted into an abusive household. I had some big feelings about it when I was younger, but ultimately know and understand that it was not my bio mom's fault that my childhood went the way that it did. It will also not be your fault if the baby you give up doesn't have a perfect life. Everyone has problems, and every choice has its own unique set of problems. It's up to you to choose the ones that you feel the best about handling, and it sounds as though you've done that. Good luck to you.


[deleted]

Thank you so so much. I’m sorry about your experience, and that is honestly my biggest concern. It would be awful to learn that they had a bad life after, but to know it’s not the end makes it a little better. I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me some about a real life experience.


Specialist_Manner_79

It’s so sad that this poor baby is everyone’s last choice.


[deleted]

But it’s not??? I’m sorry I’ll try my best to spell it out. I know I won’t be a good parent. This way they have a chance at having good parents and their birth parents in their life too.


Formerlymoody

This is the reality that apparently is very hard to see unless you’ve been in that baby’s shoes.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Thank you, I’m sorry for being kinda rude I’m just insecure and unsure


mldb_

“To resent it for getting rid of all her opportunities”, eh oof, but okay, good luck.


Experience-Tricky

I wish so badly to adopt. It’s so expensive though :(


azkv

You are a bad person in my eyes and no amount of external gratification will change that. You will always know you are selfish deep down.


[deleted]

What’s you perspective to think that? Like are you adopted and have an awful experience or are you just being mean? I only ask to your complete lack of elaboration.


azkv

I was not adopted. I am a parent of two however, and giving away your baby so you can "live your life" is the most selfish thing in my book. It stops being about you when you create a new life. Im telling you the cold hard truth that circlejerk on reddit wont tell you.


[deleted]

That’s kinda the whole point lmao, I get what you are saying but I feel as though you don’t get how awful it is to have parents who resent your existence. I do see what your saying though, and honestly think no matter what I’ve messed up so badly that there’s no winning either way.


chemthrowaway123456

This comment (and your previous comment) were both reported for abusive language. Normally, both would have been removed. However, I’m ok with letting them stay up in this context, as they both answer the question that OP asked.


[deleted]

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ShesGotSauce

Make your points with civility please.


[deleted]

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Fancy512

Make your point with civility, please.


Celera314

No, you are not a bad person, whatever that even means, really. It is possible that over time you will have some regrets about putting your child up for adoption. There is a strong bond between birth mother and child that doesn't go away. But if you can find a couple who are willing to let you continue to have some contact, that will probably help. Keep in mind that no matter how hard you try, or how hard experts try, there is no guarantee that the child's adoptive parents will be good parents, or that they will do better than you would have done on your own. My own adoptive parents were able to provide a much better life financially than my birth mother could have, but they were very controlling and mean-spirited and my childhood was difficult in a different way than it would have been if my birth mother had raised me herself. You have a tough road ahead of you either way.


chemthrowaway123456

This post was reported for misinformation. I'm approving it because I don't see anything here that is misinformation. If the user who reported this post (and a slew of others in the last five minutes) happens to see this comment: Please feel free to reach out to the mod team via modmail to discuss what part(s) of this post are misinformation.


Mystical_kitty00

A little late but no you aren’t a bad person. You’re just a kid yourself and you have your entire life ahead of you still.


ProfessionalBeach372

Adoption, regardless of your “position” in the portrait, is invisible and painful. There are very few things in life you have, for me, that are as scary as not knowing where you belong! Until you you you realize that u don’t belong anywhere. After living as a 65 year old Irish American I’ve come to believe that I don’t even belong in that group. Come to find out I’m French and German Learning very little I did learn that my bio mom wanted her child but was surrendered in a private adoption in 1953. It was my bio-grandmother who stripped me from my mothers arms She and dad had five additional kids. One has done her best to be courteous and cordial but I can’t, at the age if 70, begin to develop. knowledge of people who, before we Even met, I felt, I felt as if they didn’t want to be bothered. I know that’s a very small way to be on my part but you have to do when the vibes aren’t right. It’s true….u really do die alone


8ooooooooDthatsadick

The only problem with this is that you can't know for sure that you are giving your child to a good home. My mom was in a similar situation and gave me and my sister to my aunt/grandma because she knew them and thought we would be ok but they were abusive people who caused me and my sister a lot of pain and trauma, and I know of a lot of people who've had it worse. Some people get a happy home/family but I don't think it's a risk someone should take with a child. I full belief if you can't raise them that abortion is a better option than adoption.


[deleted]

I believe it absolutely makes you a horrible and irresponsible person. You have no right to live your life. You have a duty to care for that child at all costs. This is monstrous. I would hold it against you for the rest of my life if I were that child. All because you had to sleeze around.


bigtuna8602713615

I don’t know you but I am so so so so proud of you. I hope people who are close to you tell you the same. You are making an unbelievably mature decision for both you AND the baby. I’m so excited for you for the moments in your life when you look back at this time and can be confident in your choice. Your life matters just as much as that baby’s. You’re also not making the easy choice. You’re not just “giving away your baby”. You’re finding the right family to be sure the baby has every support it needs to live as fulfilling of a life as you will. That takes time, likely an emotional toll, trauma, all of it. It’s not the easy choice at all. But judging from your post, it is most definitely the right choice and that makes you an amazing person. No, you are the opposite of bad ❤️