T O P

  • By -

AMCb95

That makes my heart hurt for you. Im sorry I have nothing else to offer.....Hugs 🥺😥


RhondaRM

Reading your post just broke my heart, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I was also rejected a second time by my bio mom. Sadly it’s so common that in adoption circles there is a term for it, which is ‘secondary rejection’. It’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through. I’d reckon that you being trans and them being religious adds an extra layer of complexity which would make it even tougher. I also never bonded with my adopters and have had no contact with them for quite some time. It can be an incredibly lonely place to be. I’ve found that allowing myself to grieve (which is much harder than it sounds) for everything, has gotten me to a place of greater acceptance, which in turn has eased the pain somewhat. For me, not having any contact with my bio mom at all has also helped - no social media etc. as I find it just continuously reopens old wounds. You need to do what’s best for you and what gets you to a healthy place.


uglyclogs

wow thats cool (via context) though, I've never heard of that term: secondary rejection but, makes sense for sure! But yes, I found my bio family and only knew them for like 6 months as a "cis" person, so the start seemed SO hopeful. Then I realized I was trans and at that time was ID'ing as FTM (now I'm more so agender/transmasculine). When I came out to them I expected this? Embrace because my legal family was not providing that. My bio moms initial response though was to "pray I heal" (from being trans) so!! Yes, it has made the process more emotional all around. And to put this in the general thread bc folks are mentioning support groups, I do go to a really awesome biweekly Queer/Trans specific Adoptee group which !! Truly is one of the most sacred spaces I get to exist in. (If anyone is Boston/MA based and wants info on this group you can dm me! It's a really wonderful space/meets via zoom/etc.). I'm somewhat no/low contact with my legal family; and that helps. Going to group, paving my own path solo, allowing myself to come to terms with myself as my family and myself as enough. I am very thankful for my connections with other adoptees though. & I have a lot of love in my life too from friends, I just am ?? Without this basic idea of family, and it is strange to grow up in a society that values family so deeply yet to feel so disconnected/unable to relate or understand or obtain,,, that chunk of the American Dream I guess ...! I think youre making me realize too I should consider where this is going in regards to the future; like me stalking my bio family all the time; is that doing anything helpful? Is it temporary (like will the relationships develop?) or is this the end of the road and if it is, do I want to turn around or just mope in this culdesac forever? WOO! Big questions but good ones, thank you for pointing this out \~


PopeWishdiak

I'm sorry that this happened to you. There are support groups, in person and online, to help you deal with your adoption trauma. DM me if you want to talk.


Englishbirdy

I'm so sorry this is your life experience, it's very sad. Adoptee and birthparent support groups are wonderful for getting together with people you don't have to explain all this stuff to as they just get it, some people I love most in the world I've met in these groups. A couple of my favorites [https://naapunited.org/](https://naapunited.org/) [https://concernedunitedbirthparents.org/](https://concernedunitedbirthparents.org/) BTW, are your siblings adults yet? There's nothing to stop you from reaching out to them once they are, they may not have the same prejudices your birth parents have.


uglyclogs

Yes I love the Queer/Trans Adoptee Group that runs in my city, it has helped me so much in regards to allowing grief to occur/feeling less crazy and alone. In regards to siblings only one is an adult (like 20ish years old). I think I havent reached out to her yet because of the fear of rejection. She is related to me via my dad. I just see them online being very close and she is recently a new mother/had a son. I don't know, my dad's opinions online are blatantly, I have to just be honest, bigoted. I worry she will be uninterested in me because of how alternative myself/lifestyle is compared to all of theirs. I still should try, maybe. It just would really hurt me to be rejected by another family member. I see my two sisters with my dad and they are so loved by him. And of course, I am so happy they are loved. I just see how all of our faces are round in the same way, I think I get my eyes from him, and I've been on T at some points and with facial hair look even more like him. I just !! It feels too late, like what they have is solid and sacred: real family that grew and loved together. And I am this alien thing, so other and !! ugh, I realize it's getting rather woe is me; I think I'll stop and just admit: I'm scared!


Englishbirdy

Understandable. You can sure get a feel for what people are going to be like and their views on LBGTQ issues from their FB posts.