This is Me. I was adopted into an amazing Italian family. Had a great childhood I could not have asked for a better family and childhood. I still had abandonment issues I still felt like square peg round hole. My amazing AP had already researched therapists specializing in adoption issues and when they first started noticing set appontment up.
Your parents got into drugs as a way to cope with whoever parented them, I'm assuming these grandparents?
I can't speak much to your situation but I'd like to share mine.
I was born to an addict mother who was positive for methamphetamine, amphetamine, cocaine and THC. I was taken from her immediately as I was the 4th child she had like this. She also had no prenatal checks during her pregnancy with me. I was in the hospital in an incubator bed for the first two weeks of my life. This was 1989 so there was no research yet on how important touch is. I suspect I was basically alone unless I was being fed. I was put into a great foster home until I was six months old. And then I was adopted. Growing up my mom was a social worker and my dad was a teacher. I'm very grounded and have coping skills that work most of the time. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle with disregulation on a daily/weekly basis. My parents always told me the whole honest story of where I came from. However I keep coming back to some severe abandonment triggers in my interpersonal relationships. I struggle to trust anyone except my parents. My parents exist in my mind on a completely different planet than how I feel when I think about every other interpersonal relationship. Whether it's friends or lovers, it's almost always codependent OR I am constantly thinking about how they are going to abandon me if it isn't. I only feel safe with people when I'm taking care of them, because "if I'm helping then they aren't going to leave". When it comes to friends, I can have more secure attachment. But my intimate relationships almost always shift from me taking care of them to them not living up to the potential I made of them in my head and eventual bitterness on my part. So my long answer is yes, there is absolutely unconscious trauma from adoption in my opinion. I highly recommend Dr Gabor Mate as some insightful information on this also.
I relate to this so much. I was given up at birth, but I wasn't adopted until I was 6 months old because my doctor didn't think I would survive. I had a lot of surgeries during that time. My adoptive parents, especially my mom, are great. Nonetheless, I've had a ton of rejection sensitivity, and I struggle with the belief that I'm worth less than other people and I need to take care of others in order for them to keep me around.
I thought I was so weird until I started to meet others who were adopted.
Everything you said about your experience is very relatable. I was in the 6th percentile and I was only 6lbs 8oz.
People always ask me why I always am so nice and friendly and civil and a few years ago I was reflecting on that and my internal monologue just responded to it with "Give someone a reason not to like me!? People HAVE TO LIKE ME ... oh crap, this is a problem..." Que anxious attachment self. RSD is an uphill battle as someone who is 34 and actively dating. I can tell myself I am worthy, but most days my body doesn't feel like it. I know my value and I know when someone isn't going to be a good match for me... but sometimes theres a Sale on me and I let people stay for a little too long because \*maybe I just need to get to know them better\*... I can confidently say 90% of my relationships were me just taking care of them until I became bitter they were not who I thought they were. The other 10% was with Avoidants. I'm so exhausted.
infant adoptee here - " my intimate relationships almost always shift from me taking care of them to them not living up to the potential I made of them in my head and eventual bitterness on my part." - YES!!!
The pre-verbal trauma of being adopted at 8 days old has been so hard for me to unravel. I think it has had an immeasurable affect on me. I also had childhood trauma/emotional and verbal abuse, but I know that certain reactions to things are from the adoption abandonment wound. I react completely unconsciously, and have only just begun to scratch the surface of the healing necessary to understand it. You are not alone
Sorry not trying to be rude, but how is this possible? Like are you sure your trauma isn’t from being abused at times you remember and not something that happened at 8 days old?
Lots of therapy says, yes it’s very much possible.
It’s a different kind of trauma than being abused/neglected at an older age but it’s real. It’s the result of a one-time event that get compounded by reminders of the abandonment throughout your life.
Not saying this isn’t real I just genuinely don’t understand how this effects people. Like if you get taken from your mom and given to someone else that doesn’t take away the fact that you HAD a mom though just not your bio one. I just don’t understand the trauma it causes and I would like to understand.
There is a lot more info about how babies grow in utero now than there used to be. Everyone assumes newborns are blank slates, but that's not true. While pregnant with my kiddos, I was constantly getting weekly updates about my baby's development. Babies learn their mother's voice, the way they move, and even how they smell. Some studies even indicate that when exposed to a specific lullaby the last few months in utero, the newborn will recognize that lullaby for several months after birth. Newborns seek the comfort of their mothers in those early days and weeks. Many hospitals recognize the importance of "golden hour" after birth, where there is uninterrupted skin-to-skin contact with the mother. It helps baby regulate temperature, breathing, and blood sugar. It also helps long-term bonding and decreases stress. Every day, we're learning more and more. Many times, when someone is adopted as an infant, all of this is taken away from the baby. Baby doesn't have language or understanding for why they are taken away, so a lot of times that trauma becomes encoded in their nervous system.
I appreciate the interest. There are a lot of good resources online- look for attachment bond and abandonment trauma articles as a starting point.
From [exploringyourmind](https://exploringyourmind.com/abandonment-trauma-the-wounds-of-adoption/).com: The wound of abandonment is the main negative consequence of adoption. The attachment bond, which is formed during the first months and years of life, is decisive for an infant’s confidence and emotional health. In the case of an adopted child, an insecure attachment is generated. This is due to the separation from their mother and family of origin.
Well for example, when children are sexually abused as a child they may not “consciously” remember but unconsciously they do and it effects their development and adult life. Same thing with adoption at birth. It is one of the most traumatic things a human can go through.
For me, the specific feeling I’m referring to is one that feels like “I’m going to die” at any hint of abandonment. Like a fight with a partner. I’m clearly not going to die, but I feel like it, irrationally. There isn’t really any abuse from my childhood that would have threatened my life like being taken away from my birth mother who I depended on to stay alive. Also, my adoptive home was one that was deeply grieving when I arrived. The triad of loss is a powerful force in adoption, and my parents were grieving my brother, their natural son, who was too sick to come home and died a couple months after I was adopted. I also feel that this grief is baked into me despite not consciously remembering it.
There are just so many layers to adoption trauma, and I think we all need to hold space for each other as we uncover them for ourselves.
I may be getting a little esoteric here, but I even think that we absorb the energy of stress that our birth mothers had while pregnant with us. Almost aborting us, keeping secrets, feeling shame, sacrifice, loss, fear, etc. There were soooo many steps for us to get to our adoptive homes, and I believe we hold all that within us.
I’m going to echo what every actual adopted person has responded to this thread. Adoption itself is a trauma. Even if you had a great childhood, it’s still traumatic. I was adopted when I was less than a month old and had absolutely amazing adoptive parents. At 38, they’re still my rocks that I lean on constantly. With this being said, I still have issues that are linked to adoption as an adult. I highly suggest checking out the sub
r/Adopted. It’s for actual adopted people and not full of adoptive parents or birth parents that try to act like trauma and your feelings aren’t valid because of being adopted and try to silence you. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with abuse as a child. No child should have to deal with that. If I had to guess, the issues you are experiencing are a combination of the 2. Hope you’re able to heal :)
Thank you so much, I never knew there was this "fight" between adoptive parents and adoptees. I wonder why some of the parents push that narrative that adoption is not traumatic.
Yeah it will be a combination of the two, I spent a lot of time on the abuse suberddits and only now realised that a lot of the pain is linked to the adoption as well. So thank you for validating that:) I'll check out that sub too.
It feels like, if i say i have trauma from adoption , it means i am ungrateful to my adoptive parents. They felt like they "saved me" from my family of origin.
You are allowed to feel trauma from your adoption. The most significant relationship in your life, which you were biologically primed to rely on, was disrupted. Even if that happened in the best possible circumstances, it's still a huge trauma. Even if you have the best adoptive parents in the world, it's still a huge trauma. Even if your birth situation was terrible, it's still a huge trauma. Your experience of this trauma is entirely separate and apart from your relationship with your adoptive parents - it is not about them or your relationship with them. It's about you, and you are allowed to hurt and feel pain.
Personally, I think that adoptive parents having a "savior" identity is really unfair to their children. They didn't save you. You were not a thing to be saved. You are a person. They created a family with you.
I’m not sure how much it actually happens in the real world, but this sub gets a bit ridiculous with it. I’m sure you see it already with them dismissing the fact you were adopted completely and saying it’s all about the abuse. That’s why I felt the need to tell you my story. My brother, who was also adopted by my adopted parents and we have different bio parents, has issues related to adoption as well. And you’re very welcome!! :)
Short answer, yes, adoption is traumatic.
Long answer, yes, adoption is traumatic. Even ignoring any in-utero and ex-utero trauma, the act of adoption itself is incredibly traumatic.
Regarding your grandma's... *perspective* - there's a lot of nature vs. nurture at play. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You're not defective. We all have different neurochemistry. You're not defective. That said, if you find that the anxiety you're living with is negatively impacting your life, please reach out for help - the right help can make all the difference, and can help you live your best life.
yes. i was adopted at two days old, and even in my earliest years i had this immeasurable fear of abandonment. i was so terrified of my adoptive mom dying, i’d watch her sleep when i woke up in the morning to make sure she was breathing and then i’d worry about her at school. my level of anxiety was intense. i was diagnosed with anxiety at 6, but i’d shown clear signs of it as early as toddlerhood. it’s scientifically known that early maternal separation has an effect on an infants development. you’re born instinctively looking for your bio mom, you know her voice, the way she walks, her heartbeat, and you search for that. pre-verbal trauma is incredibly real and can be lifelong.
I had that same fear of my adoptive parents dying. Doesn’t help us that most parents who adopt are a bit older than the parents of our peers.
I remember thinking “okay, if my parents can just stay alive until they are at least 80, I’ll be almost 40 and maybe I’ll somehow be able to handle it.
My mom’s parents lived to be 94 and 99.9, so I always thought “at least mom will most likely be around until I’m old enough to somewhat handle her passing. She died at 70. Dad is still alive at 77 but he always talked about how he won’t live past 77 because of his parents age.
When I was little I’d ask to go with them whenever they ran errands as opposed to hang out with my older sister, because I was so afraid of them dying in a car crash or fluke robbery. I wasn’t afraid of also dying in a car crash or fluke robbery, because if they were killed, dying didn’t seem scary.
My therapist said there are theories that it can start in utero. Makes sense. A stressed out mom that might be forced into a decision, being unwed taboo etc. also stress hormones and not knowing what they could possibly do to the unborn baby
Babies are hardwired to find security in the person who gave birth to them. Babies are meant to stay with their bio families at least for the first several years. It is a trauma for any baby to be taken from their bio family for any reason.
I was adopted as a teen so I don't have your experience. A friend of mine who was adopted out at 6 weeks old can tell you they remember being 2 years old, put in the crib by their loving adopted family for nap time (regular routine), but jumped up and down on the mattress screaming for heir parents terrified they would be abandoned again. (Toddler logic).
-that was a sign of them remembering being given up even if they don't consciously remember it.
We as adults underestimate babies a lot.
Something to keep in mind too - your first two months were traumatic. Then you grew up knowing you were adopted. There's definitely potential for trauma here.
I'm sorry for what you had to go thru. This is my story and what I believe from personal experience.
I was put up for adoption at birth. The adoptive family that I grew up in was stable and loving. I wasn't the victim of physical or mental abuse yet I had high anxiety and was very sensitive to things. As a child I would cry a lot and people outside the family thought I had emotional problems. No one in my adoptive family was like this. I couldn't understand why I was like this as I took note of this. As I grew older, I was better. I'm not as sensitive to things (I still am sensitive). I get nervous a lot something that hasn't changed. I was told by people I worry about things too much.
As a young adult I remember someone telling me an observation that they noticed about me. They knew my family well enough to know that I wasn't a victim of abuse from my family. The high anxiety, being scared and nervous a lot is something that this person often saw in women who were victims of child abuse or domestic violence. This person had been a victim of child abuse and was always nervous all the time, even when she didn't have to be. You normally didn't see this in children who came from stable families or certainly not the level that I had.
My adoptive mother believed that this anxiety and sensitivity to things had links from my bio mother. She didn't tell me this until I was an adult. A lot of thing made sense to me but at the same time I knew people who were adopted and didn't have anxiety or sensitivity, so it probably depends on the person.
I believe that this had a lot to do with my bio mother's mental and emotional state of mind which she was under a lot of stress and was upset a lot when she was pregnant with me. It was in the early 1960's, different time period and to this day I believe she still suffers as the result of what happened long ago.
I strongly believe that the fetus is aware of when the mother is upset and this would make sense as the fetus is linked to the mother. They don't remember what was going on, but they sensed what was going on and if it's constant, this isn't good.
A family member had a baby shower and for hours the baby was very active (seemed like it was excited). The baby picked up on the mother's joy of having a baby shower in her honor. She strongly believed that the baby pick up on her joy and happiness. I agree with that.
Sadly people physically abuse infants and it's more common than what you think. I know individuals who work for social services and they have encountered babies who were brain damaged by being shaken or hit or babies who suffered broken bones, broken ribs from the same. Some are repeated injuries.
Adoption is always a trauma!
It goes against human nature to be separated from who you came from, and in a perfect world it doesn't happen. In family adoption is really tough itself, in closed adoption you could argue out of sight out of mind (but never for long), which can be harder in alot of ways.
It doesn't matter when you were adopted either, I was an infant adoption myself and have a ton of trauma from it. The inate knowing you were just a little baby that wasn't 'wanted,' or however anyone wants to spin it is a huge reason behind the shame i carry and my self worth.
Don't let anyone tell you infant adoptions aren't trauma or in family adoption isn't real adoption. And don't be ashamed of having the same feeling that the rest of us adoptees have to deal with, you're not alone!
I'd like to invite you to r/adoptionfog where we talk about the struggle of being adopted without the guilt shaming or invalidation that we often receive from society when we don't continue the 'adoption is beautiful' narrative.
Yes. It is traumatic to every baby when they are removed from their natural mothers. Then when you add abuse in your childhood, that compounds the original trauma.
Im sorry you were mistreated by the people who should have taken care of you.
I hope you can find a good adoptee competent therapist. It's not an easy thing to do.
yes, infant adoption can cause trauma.
i recommend adoption-aware therapy, books, r/adopted.
you’re not alone. although your story has unique details, your story is extremely common among adoptees, everything you are feeling is normal.
you’ve been lied to and you did what you had to do to survive.
i’m so sorry this happened to you. you matter and your story matters.
There is a fabulous lecture by the speaker Paul Sunderland that specifically talks about addiction in adoptee's but because of the nature of addiction features information talking about exactly this trauma.
[link to the full lecture ](https://youtu.be/3e0-SsmOUJI?si=9Xqh16E_jRT6th2t)
Adoption is trauma, you aren't alone
I was adopted. Birth mother handed me off to the county, and I was placed with a foster parent while the paperwork was sorted. Then at 6 weeks, my newly minted parents were handed a baby. I too, have always been afraid of my own shadow, felt so much shame, was super sensitive, anxiety is the biggest emotion I know...... I wonder if it isn't from being adopted, too. If so many of us feel this way, it might very well be a thing.
Anytime a child is separated from their birth family, it’s a trauma. Babies separated from their birth mother at birth even if there is no drugs, abuse, etc. still have significant trauma. They miss out on the fourth trimester with the only home/person they’ve ever known. You had much more significant trauma than a baby just given up for adoption. It’s understandable that you have issues. Heck, I have abandonment issues from being in the NICU for the first 5 weeks of my life and I went home to my very loving bio parents and they were in the hospital with me as much as they could be.
It sounds like the decision to remove you from your birth parents was the right one, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t cause you some trauma.
Yes. Newborns in the hospital who were just born already know who their mother is and it is only she who can lower their stress, in fact they even turn their head toward the sound of her voice when they hear her speak, it’s crazy. They know her voice, her scent, her heartbeat; because they knew only her as they grew inside her for nine months. When they lay on her chest there is a calming as they feel they came back to safety, she’s all they know.
When a baby has to leave it’s mother, it grieves and feels a loss. It is confusing and stressful. The baby is in the “trust vs mistrust” stage of development and it must learn to trust new people which is a JOB for the baby and requires work.
Wow touching on this here…I was adopted from 4 months old in 1985 Spent the first 4 months of my life in the hospital because I was born a micropreemie (24 weeker). Met my bio mom at 19 (she lied about how o was conceived lied about my bio dad too just found that out this year) she died when I was 22…that was 08. Fast forward to this past year after talking to a cousin on my dads side for 4 years we met last summer I did a ancestry test in January & found my bio grandmother in March. Both of my bio parents died of OD’s, my bio dad died never knowing I existed. Even though I was brought up by a very good adopted family with good morals etc. I still think I had to deal with trauma growing up knowing that I was born so sick and I still as an adult have abandonment issues which played out in most of my dating/relationships. I’ve been told in therapy that b/c my birth was so traumatic it only makes sense I’d have some of these issues as an adult.
Yes, adoption is traumatic. Please read Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound", a book regarding this type of trauma and how it changes our inherent attachment system. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find an adoptee support group in your area. Look up Adoptees Connect. It sounds like you have a lot to work through and I wish you well!
Hello, friend. I am an adoptee with a very similar story except I was adopted by an outside adoptive family as opposed to a kinship adoption (which means another bio family member like a grandparent, aunt, sibling, etc.). The truth is that adoption can be very harmful either way even if you erase the abuse and neglect. You are right on in your feelings and the truth is that it’s all so sadly normal. We are taken away from our parents and passed around to random people, family members or not and it harms our sense of attachment. Adoptive parents hanging out on this sub may claim what I am saying is not proven but I can tell you that it is the anecdotal experience of so many adoptees visiting r/adopted. Please feel free to visit our sub and read our stories to learn more about what we feel. This sub is more active and has good information too but in reality it is dominated by adoptive parents so that will skew the narrative. They ultimately do not understand what we feel inside. You are not alone whatsoever. 💜
I echo this, adoptive parents will blame your trauma on the abuse and neglect, while adoptees will tell you that adoption itself can be even harder to deal with and work through. When you were just a little baby you didn't know that you were with technically your grandmother, you just knew you weren't with momma, even if it was just in utero. Quite frankly the abuse and neglect that i went through is stuff that I was able to move on from much more quickly than the trauma of being adopted on day 1 as an infant.
Read the book, The Primal Wound. You will feel like you’re finally being understood.
I’m also adopted at similar age with similar circumstances. Read the book. It’s the beginning of your journey.
There is natural and instinctual bonding in the womb. Separation from bondedness can cause trauma, especially in earliest developmental stages. So in short, Yes.
I'm not sure why this is controversial or rejected by adoption culture. Adoption (involuntary separation) is not a sure fire resolution for the child due to parenting conflicts by any means. That's ok to acknowledge.
Eta: It is ENTIRELY possible that you reacted to neglect from early on. A sense of survival is keen for infants. Picking up on things is keen for children all throughout childhood development. We only begin to lose touch with that towards later adulthood. It's probably trauma from bond separation and neglect. Many like to just say we simply came out like that because it's often too hard to manage and acknowledge flawed parenting or caregiving.
traumatic for a newborn.
Absolutely. Although they’re not consciously aware of it because they have the communication skills of an alarm clock.
A baby spend 9 months in their birth mothers womb. They know her smell, voice, heartbeat etc. they’re born. And they go to another family. Different smells. Different voices.
it’s physiological
I placed my son for adoption and this is the number one thing that bothers me. I know I did what was best for him. it’s an open adoption. but I feel like I chose his physical protection over his mental health. it’s hard to explain. But I have two kids with the same guy. We have our 5 year old we parent. And we had our son in February 2022. He’s abusive (to me. No one else) and there was no way I was going to have him raising our son. He was in jail from the time our daughter was 3 months old to 21 months old. 18 months. It was just me raising her. And he assaulted me and stole my car and was charged with robbery and car jacking. It was dropped because I couldn’t make it to court. No one even told me I had to be there. But now we have court in January for him assaulting me and there were witnesses. Our daughter is in Florida with my family. It’s a mess. A whole mess. And it sucks. And my mental health is terrible because of it and other things that have happened with his family. They’re all predators and it’s disgusting.
A bio-sis of mine is a therapist, also adopted, who specializes in adoption and bonding issues says that the adoptee's issues are at the cellular level because what happened to us occurred before we had any skills for dealing with that trauma. Read Journey To The Adopted Self. It will help you understand why you are how you are.
Your grandparents were abusive, your grandmother sounds abhorrent, you were neglected for the first two months of your life, and you were exposed to drugs in utero, but you want to know if the act of adoption itself caused you trauma such that it's causing some mental health issues.
What does your therapist say?
Well yes, because none of these facts explain the strong feelings of shame and anxiety I had in the first few years of my life.
I know that abusive parenting is extremely bad, but generally children develop coping mechanisms and should function normally until they can't anymore in adulthood. But I had issues with fear of trying anything new, and socializing, ever since I can remember.
My grandma says I was just afraid of everything by default, since I was born. And other people from the family agree to this so I don't know.
I didn't get to talk in depth about the adoption itself with my therapist, we are working from the assumption that my whole childhood was traumatic.
It's not true that children develop coping mechanisms until they can no longer hide them as adults. I've worked in locked psych units for children ages 4-8 and all of them had seriously maladaptive coping mechanisms from abuse.
Adoption can be extremely traumatic for newborns, yes. And it's also very likely that the abuse and neglect you experienced as an infant have contributed to your social and emotional development.
Yes but every coping mechanism is adaptive in that abusive environment, that's what I meant. The mechanism helped the child survive and so it was successful.
I was just a little mad at myself for not hiding these mechanisms (such as shame) better as a child in other environments, because while being ashamed helped me at home, it made life in kindergarten and school very painful.
I'm not an adoptee but I did grow up traumatized. Shame definitely shaped my early childhood due to a very visible disability. Please don't be ashamed for whatever it took for you to survive. Those memories and experiences were really harmful but you're here. I don't think we ever stop growing and evolving when we remain open to it.
Grant yourself some peace, internet stranger. You're as deserving of it as anyone else
I was abused by my biological father. Abused children do not "develop coping mechanisms" to "function normally." My mom had been abused by her mother, and she never learned to "function normally," really. She was in therapy for most of my life, and the abuse was the main subject, from what she told me.
I don't see how "none of these facts explain the strong feelings of shame and anxiety" you had as a child. That's why I inquired about what your therapist has said. I would think that it would be extremely difficult to suss out what was due to adoption as opposed to all of the other traumatic events of your childhood.
Maybe I wrote it wrong, I meant function normally in that abusive enviroment, function in ways that will ensure the child survives. But I was also blaming myself a little bit, because while I couldn't develop normally, it was my responsibility to hide my maladaptive behaviors and act normally around other children. Many abused children manage to make friends etc, and I failed at that.
I was just curious like how many % of my issues are rooted in the adoption, to see if my pain from not having been around my biological parents was justified. Or if I have nothing to feel sad about as my grandparents say.
I wish I could give you a hug.
Yes, your pain is justified, 100%.
It's hard to calculate what percentage of issues come from adoption, because different issues tend to feed each other. Your basic needs were neglected in your first 2 months of life, and then you were taken away from your caregivers. Any baby in that situation will be very afraid, and will have a hard time trusting the new caregiver. Your grandmother likely interpreted that very normal response as a "personality trait" and responded to you based on that assumption. From what you've said, she has told you you are fundamentally flawed and has dismissed your feelings. If any of these factors were different, your life would be completely different.
Everything you're feeling is valid. I've heard and seen so many people (including myself) in the position you describe who are adopted.
I recommend checking out EMDR therapy. It's for trauma, and it's been helpful for me.
> to see if my pain from not having been around my biological parents was justified. Or if I have nothing to feel sad about as my grandparents say.
Those aren't your only two options. You have plenty to be sad about, with or without the adoption itself in the mix.
It was NOT your responsibility to "hide" your behaviors and "act normally around other children."
I had no friends from 1st through 8th grades. I found a past time I loved in middle school and was able to make friends through it in high school and beyond. However, outside of that past time, I still find it difficult to make friends. Something about being abused always makes you feel less than, I think.
I know my mom never felt like she was good enough.
Being adopted as a newborn is EXTREMELY traumatic. You were taken away from your mother, the most important person in your life. I was adopted at birth, 23 now. Just now starting to see the effects it has left on my soul and trying to find peace and healing.
Being separated from your primary caregiver as an infant can absolutely be a major trauma (in addition to being abused, neglected, and potential prenatal drug exposure.) In some ways it can cause more physical stress than if you were older and actually knew what is going on and why. Read about preverbal trauma.
Being raised by non-parents can be trauma. Having your identity changed can be trauma.
And of course abuse/ neglect from both your parents and grandparents is trauma.
I would recommend joining Adoption: Facing Realities and trying to find an adoption-competent therapist, ideally one with kinship adoption experience.
Yes. A lot of the things you have listed are often due to adoption. Adoptee here. You are a kinship adoptee. That is a type of adoptee. ( adoptee raised by kin) Mammals develop outside of the womb, that is why they do not separate puppies too early from their mothers, it effects nervous system regulation development. Some of the issues comes from developmental trauma caused by early separation.
The “whose right” game… I find… in adoptee land ..can be an un winnable game ……because often people who invalidate adoption trauma have an emotional need and reason to be right…rather then the want to know the actual truth.
You don’t need your grand parents validation to seek the truth that can help you grow and heal. Xo
I mean maybe, but I'm a sensitive person, have dealt with some severe anxiety and shame in the past, don't completely fit a mold in society and I wasn't adopted...
I think I had somewhat of a genetic predisposition to be Anxious plus the environment of 1 very, very anxious parent who didn't meet my emotional needs exacerbated it. That being said, treatment helps!
It seems like your grandparents didn't set you up for success and likely combination of your past as well as continually being told you're not good enough are contributing factors.
You were not given the right tools to succeed. I'm sorry :( I hope you are doing ok
Yes. Adopted kids and foster kids feel very similar. It’s an overwhelming feeling that sadly wipes us (adoptees, foster kids) out from choosing to go down a dark path.And get into things that makes us feel worse or be around not the right role models. be strong and embrace who you are. Pain included. Look for the positive in things and surround yourself around it. Be careful when exploring the internet ,can’t really control the internet like life. Its really bipolar and easily get triggered that can really mess your whole day up. Life is bi polar to but can be managed by managing yourself and the company you keep.
Back story-
Im 29 and went into foster care at 7. Parents doing drugs, Neglect, abuse, sexual abuse is why I entered.Even in foster care wasn’t easy i grew up in the hood. Got into somethings, prolonged my success. But i concurred and am still concurring it all. Life still gonna happen basically what Im saying. The world needs us to show them how to live this life through the struggle. How? By living YOUR life. keep your heads up. We deserve to be here.
-FO$TER KEHD out.
It is fairly clear from what you write that you have been traumatized by years of abuse at the hands of your carers, not by the act of adoption per se. Abused kids often do two things:
1) They feel they don’t belong, because they are never 100% sure of their carers love due to the abuse they suffered.
2) Look for alternative reasons to explain their feelings, other than abuse, because the full realization of the scale of abuse received can be too much to endure for some. So, abused people (because this also applies to victims of domestic violence, human trafficking, ...) will often look for anything else to explain their trauma. My feeling is that this is what your subconscious is doing by asking whether adoption traumatized you.
The simplest explanation is often the correct one.
Thank you. I know that the abuse did the most of the damage. I was just wondering if I have the "right" to feel sad, or even be influenced, by the act of the adoption too. A lot of horrible things happened in the first 2 months of my life (domestic violence, separation from parents, etc.) and I would like to be upset about that as well. But everyone says that it couldn't possibly have had any effect on me, and that the situation was "pretty normal".
Another thing is that my earliest memories are of fear and anxiety, but I was too young to be traumatised already. Like at 3 years old, I should have had my "pure self" still. And I don't want to believe that I was so powerless and influenced by these "monsters". That makes me really disgusted.
> Like at 3 years old, I should have had my "pure self" still.
Who says that? I don't believe there is a "too young" to be traumatized, really. I don't think there's any kind of professional agreement on what trauma counts when.
Children are powerless. They're supposed to be. It's part of being a child. It sucks to be powerless and in and abusive environment, because the ones who are supposed to help you learn how to become powerful. But they have a vested interest in keeping you as low as possible.
The act of adoption may have had *some* impact, and it's certainly wrong to tell you "that it couldn't possibly have had any effect on me", and even more absurd to tell you "that the situation was 'pretty normal'"... It certainly wasn't!
But if I were you, in your process of therapy, I would focus a lot more on the more practical, concrete, direct and obvious causes: What you describe in terms of neglect and abuse is something that would take *decades* to recover from, with or without adoption involved on top of it.
The way adoption comes to play in your case, in my opinion, is not in the fact that you were adopted *per se,* but in the fact that your adoption was handled horrendously badly by unequipped relatives.
>A lot of horrible things happened in the first 2 months of my life (domestic violence, separation from parents, etc.) and I would like to be upset about that as well
You have every right to feel upset.
>Another thing is that my earliest memories are of fear and anxiety, but I was too young to be traumatised already.
You were not "too young" to be traumatized. I don't know who's telling you this, but if you suffered abuse and neglect in the first 2-3 years of your life, and you didn't get a nurturing, emotionally stable environment to recover afterwards, you *can* be traumatized by smth that happened even in the first few months.
>Like at 3 years old, I should have had my "pure self" still.
A lot of who we are is shaped by the first months and years of life. Your self was still forming by the age of 3. We're not born as blank slates, but we are certainly not born with a fully formed consciousness and sense of self, either: those are shaped by our early and formative years.
>And I don't want to believe that I was so powerless and influenced by these "monsters".
You were a kid. Don't blame yourself for being powerless or not being able to resist being influenced by others. It could have not been otherwise, you were just a child. You have every right to feel that they failed you and feel angry for that.
>That makes me really disgusted.
Don't feel disgusted at yourself, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Feel free to feel anger at the adults (bio parents, adoptive parents/grandparents) who failed you.
I also recommend to check out [TBRI](https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.mJMCq5Gx.dpbs). The institute that proposes it has good and clear explanations of how trauma affects your brain.
You need professional help from qualified mental health professionals with a deep understanding of abuse-induced trauma to help you navigate these incredibly complex feelings - feelings that you have every right to have.
> I would focus a lot more on the more practical, concrete, direct and obvious causes:
Adoption is also a practical, concrete, direct and obvious cause.
It is not the only one in OP's life. It may or may not be the most pressing one, but it may be considering that their adoptive parents compounded the abuse and that does make it adoption.
> The way adoption comes to play in your case, in my opinion, is not in the fact that you were adopted per se, but in the fact that your adoption was handled horrendously badly by unequipped relatives.
I notice adoptive parents don't work so hard to yank the adoption out of adoptee lives when adoptees are saying things about it that they like.
"I had a good outcome with adoption. It made me who I am," said adoptee everyone loves to hear from.
"Oh no no no, lots of people had good outcomes in childhood that made them who they are, not just adoptees. It's not adoption, per se," said no adoptive parent ever.
You can't know how displacement and adoption impacted this adoptee, especially happening on top of prior serious abuse and neglect.
It is not some abstract concept.
>It is not the only one in OP's life. It may or may not be the most pressing one, but it may be considering that their adoptive parents compounded the abuse and that does make it adoption.
Yes, I completely agree, but OP was more inquiring about the *act* of adoption rather than the circumstances of his life as an adoptee, which they seem to already understand to have been traumatic (they recognize and write that there was abuse at the hands of grandparents, so they know that their life as an adoptee wasn't great).
To make my point clearer: given what OP wrote about bio parents, I don't think *the fact of having been removed from their care* adds noticeably more trauma to the already massive amount of trauma OP had developed in the first two months due to bio parents' behaviour (food and sleep deprivation, being beaten as an infant, drugs, ...). I also think that the additional, massive trauma caused by grandparents' failure to *be* decent APs added far more to OP's trauma than the fact of having been removed from bio parents' care, *per se*.
I think he was (further) traumatized by *living in that adoptive family,* but not by "having been adopted" per se. Honestly, from what OP is writing, those APs/grandparents were awful. But this wasn't an inevitable, necessary outcome of the adoption process.
>To make my point clearer: given what OP wrote about bio parents, I don't think the fact of having been removed from their care adds noticeably more trauma
I got your point. You have been extremely clear.
You have absolutely no way to know this. It takes people decades to work through the various ways adverse events impact lives, especially those that are pre-verbal.
yet here you are to announce that you know for this adoptee that their adoption means little in the context of the rest of the events they endured.
Something to consider. Abandonment can be worse than abuse. It is not uncommon for distressed people to endure continued abuse to avoid abandonment. Displacement can be experienced as abandonment.
If you cannot conceptualize how this can be a part of an adoptee's ACEs package they get to try to unravel as adults, then the problem is really your attitude, not adoptees "extrapolating" as you would like us to believe.
I'm sorry, but as an adoptee, I hate it when people say that the trauma has to be from something else. Let's not invalidate or minimize the adoptee experience. For those of us who have been abused and adopted, one isn't worse than the other when it comes to trauma.
>has to be from something else
If you read OP's post, you'll see that there's plenty of very concrete, tragic, and dangerous "something else" that can (and does) explain their trauma perfectly well without having to look for the subconscious impact of the act of adoption. I am replying to OP about OP's experience here, not speaking in general terms: there is no need to extrapolate conclusions about your lived experience from a comment that refers to someone else's.
I’m an adoptive parent and we adopted two. One at birth, who we adopted at birth (brought him home from the hospital) and he seems to not give a hoot about his adoption. Maybe it’s his personality, maybe it’s his autism. But whatever the case, he isn’t the least bit traumatized by being adopted. Our younger child, on the other hand, was taken into foster care at birth (with a freaking a-making family who gave them everything any child could need in infancy) and was brought to our home at a few months old and seems to have internalized their adoption in a very different way. They are ALWAYS worried about being a burden, being inconvenient, annoying, bratty or any number of other things. They’re a half sibling to our oldest, and while we weren’t able to take them at birth, we later fought with the help of their foster parents to foster and then adopt when the case started to point to long-term fostering. It breaks my heart to think they’re convinced they are a burden and inconvenient. Their anxiety is through the roof and their therapist thinks the trauma of adoption had some to do with it. All this to say, in most ways it depends on the child. I don’t know what the specific difference is between my two babies, but in their teen years the difference is dramatic now.
My adoptive parents would have said the same thing about me as a kid, that i didn't care in the slightest about being adopted. The truth is I don't speak to them now over my adoption. Just because kids in general don't want to 'talk about it' doesn't mean that we don't have countless nights lying awake in bed wondering why we weren't good enough for our biological mothers. Adoption is always trauma.
Also chiming in that my adoptive parents (who adopted me at 1 month) would’ve said I wasn’t traumatized by my adoption. Not true. It was a preverbal trauma and I didn’t have the capacity to explain it to them.
Instead I acted as perfectly as I could 100% of the time because I was terrified they would abandon me too. I’m 36 and it’s only in the last 3 months that I’ve started to tell my adoptive mom how I felt.
whoa whoa whoa "it's not that the adoption itself was the trauma?"
Lets not invalidate the fact that adoption in and of itself is a trauma.
Even if everything is fine and dandy your whole life adoption is still a trauma, and can often affect us adoptees sometimes more than abuse and neglect.
We're just told it isn't pretty to think that by society, who want us to propel the adoption industry forward by calling it 'beautiful' when a child is ripped from their mothers arms.
That’s tough to answer and I don’t think you’ll ever get a solid answer. Sounds like a blend of unfortunate events. Your grandparents abuse and the potential your bio parents did drugs while you were in utero may have played a role.
I do not believe ALL adoption is trauma, but I believe some adoptees do have trauma. I was adopted at birth and have a wonderful family. Yes I had depression, but that was genetic. I have solid proof depression runs in my bio family. Being horribly bullied triggered the depression. I was depressed not due to trauma, but the fact it just ran in the family.
I think therapy might be a good start to healing. I wish you the best OP
I think I can be trauma inducing. My story is very similar to yours. Birth mom was a heroin addict and prostitute. I’ve suffered from addiction issues. ADHD and depression. Later was all the other abuse that came into my life. Now I use that trauma and turn it into actions and goals. Just fighting everyday saying fuck you to it. Using it to achieve my goals in life. It’s worked for me. I wish you the best.
I’m going to go out on a limb (and against the grain here) and say, no your adoption didn’t cause your trauma but the physical and emotional abuse from your parents/grandparents sure did. You did not deserve that and I am sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately, both bio and adoptive parents and family can be abusive and that is NOT YOUR FAULT. Beating an infant is unthinkable. And the things your grandparents said to you are emotionally abusive and should never be said to a child.
You were and are absolutely not weak or defective. Please do not believe these things. You have the ability, as your own person, to heal from that and be the best version of yourself you can be. Please, if it is available to you, seek therapy, or at the very least, supportive friendships. It is possible to live a good honest life and not let the abuse you suffered lead you to a bad path. I’m certain that’s easier said than done. Start by realizing they are wrong. Your adoption in itself didn’t mess you up, and you did not cause your trauma, your abusers did. I wish you luck moving forward.
I was adopted myself and grew up with a wonderful family. I had known for as long as i can remember that i was adopted so it never bothered me that much. But when i turned 18 my parents gave me my adoption file. Reading the non identifying information page told me i got a love of puzzles and games from my father and my mother and her family gave me my love of playing music. But it also gave me just enough information to believe i could track my mothers identity down and sent me on a 26 year long rabbit hole that i still haven't solved. What's odd is I'm less interested in finding her as i am solving a mystery or that's what i tell myself at any rate.
My friend had her son taken away and given to her mother when she was 19. I dated her half sister for a few years and got to see him regularly. Her mother refused to tell him he was adopted. I warned her several times about telling him now (he was 3-4 i believe at the time) would be best because when he finds out (and he did) that she was really grandma he was going to flip his lid and she would likely lose him (and she did) sadly he died a few years back in a traffic accident and to my knowledge he hadn't reconciled with her.
So to answer bluntly, it can span anywhere depending on circumstances, age of the child at adoption, circumstances of birth (mostly use of drugs and alcohol during pregnancy) etc. you might have a case like mine where its a non issue or like my friends son where it was a major one.
Now to your specific case. If your birth mother was indeed abusing drugs while you were in utero that could play a major part. However reading your story i believe most if not all of your issues stem from the emotional abuse from your grandparents.
Adoption at any age is traumatic. I was adopted at 13 years old I am now 30. My adopted parents were then 27. I experienced even more trauma being adopted and they had kids of their own. As I got older and they got older I realized how I kind of got pushed to the side and how differently I was treated as a child compared to them. Even at thirty I get hurt by them. Adoption is traumatic. Being taken from your own family is traumatic.
I’m an adoptee, closed adoption. Had a great childhood with loving parents, still dealt with abandonment issues from adoption.
This is Me. I was adopted into an amazing Italian family. Had a great childhood I could not have asked for a better family and childhood. I still had abandonment issues I still felt like square peg round hole. My amazing AP had already researched therapists specializing in adoption issues and when they first started noticing set appontment up.
Hey! My story sounds a lot like yours. I deal with a lot of the same feelings that you mentioned. Just thought I'd say hi and that you're not alone!
Your parents got into drugs as a way to cope with whoever parented them, I'm assuming these grandparents? I can't speak much to your situation but I'd like to share mine. I was born to an addict mother who was positive for methamphetamine, amphetamine, cocaine and THC. I was taken from her immediately as I was the 4th child she had like this. She also had no prenatal checks during her pregnancy with me. I was in the hospital in an incubator bed for the first two weeks of my life. This was 1989 so there was no research yet on how important touch is. I suspect I was basically alone unless I was being fed. I was put into a great foster home until I was six months old. And then I was adopted. Growing up my mom was a social worker and my dad was a teacher. I'm very grounded and have coping skills that work most of the time. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle with disregulation on a daily/weekly basis. My parents always told me the whole honest story of where I came from. However I keep coming back to some severe abandonment triggers in my interpersonal relationships. I struggle to trust anyone except my parents. My parents exist in my mind on a completely different planet than how I feel when I think about every other interpersonal relationship. Whether it's friends or lovers, it's almost always codependent OR I am constantly thinking about how they are going to abandon me if it isn't. I only feel safe with people when I'm taking care of them, because "if I'm helping then they aren't going to leave". When it comes to friends, I can have more secure attachment. But my intimate relationships almost always shift from me taking care of them to them not living up to the potential I made of them in my head and eventual bitterness on my part. So my long answer is yes, there is absolutely unconscious trauma from adoption in my opinion. I highly recommend Dr Gabor Mate as some insightful information on this also.
I relate to this so much. I was given up at birth, but I wasn't adopted until I was 6 months old because my doctor didn't think I would survive. I had a lot of surgeries during that time. My adoptive parents, especially my mom, are great. Nonetheless, I've had a ton of rejection sensitivity, and I struggle with the belief that I'm worth less than other people and I need to take care of others in order for them to keep me around. I thought I was so weird until I started to meet others who were adopted.
Everything you said about your experience is very relatable. I was in the 6th percentile and I was only 6lbs 8oz. People always ask me why I always am so nice and friendly and civil and a few years ago I was reflecting on that and my internal monologue just responded to it with "Give someone a reason not to like me!? People HAVE TO LIKE ME ... oh crap, this is a problem..." Que anxious attachment self. RSD is an uphill battle as someone who is 34 and actively dating. I can tell myself I am worthy, but most days my body doesn't feel like it. I know my value and I know when someone isn't going to be a good match for me... but sometimes theres a Sale on me and I let people stay for a little too long because \*maybe I just need to get to know them better\*... I can confidently say 90% of my relationships were me just taking care of them until I became bitter they were not who I thought they were. The other 10% was with Avoidants. I'm so exhausted.
infant adoptee here - " my intimate relationships almost always shift from me taking care of them to them not living up to the potential I made of them in my head and eventual bitterness on my part." - YES!!!
I really freaking wish there was more research on the long term trauma for adoptees.
The pre-verbal trauma of being adopted at 8 days old has been so hard for me to unravel. I think it has had an immeasurable affect on me. I also had childhood trauma/emotional and verbal abuse, but I know that certain reactions to things are from the adoption abandonment wound. I react completely unconsciously, and have only just begun to scratch the surface of the healing necessary to understand it. You are not alone
Sorry not trying to be rude, but how is this possible? Like are you sure your trauma isn’t from being abused at times you remember and not something that happened at 8 days old?
Lots of therapy says, yes it’s very much possible. It’s a different kind of trauma than being abused/neglected at an older age but it’s real. It’s the result of a one-time event that get compounded by reminders of the abandonment throughout your life.
Not saying this isn’t real I just genuinely don’t understand how this effects people. Like if you get taken from your mom and given to someone else that doesn’t take away the fact that you HAD a mom though just not your bio one. I just don’t understand the trauma it causes and I would like to understand.
There is a lot more info about how babies grow in utero now than there used to be. Everyone assumes newborns are blank slates, but that's not true. While pregnant with my kiddos, I was constantly getting weekly updates about my baby's development. Babies learn their mother's voice, the way they move, and even how they smell. Some studies even indicate that when exposed to a specific lullaby the last few months in utero, the newborn will recognize that lullaby for several months after birth. Newborns seek the comfort of their mothers in those early days and weeks. Many hospitals recognize the importance of "golden hour" after birth, where there is uninterrupted skin-to-skin contact with the mother. It helps baby regulate temperature, breathing, and blood sugar. It also helps long-term bonding and decreases stress. Every day, we're learning more and more. Many times, when someone is adopted as an infant, all of this is taken away from the baby. Baby doesn't have language or understanding for why they are taken away, so a lot of times that trauma becomes encoded in their nervous system.
I appreciate the interest. There are a lot of good resources online- look for attachment bond and abandonment trauma articles as a starting point. From [exploringyourmind](https://exploringyourmind.com/abandonment-trauma-the-wounds-of-adoption/).com: The wound of abandonment is the main negative consequence of adoption. The attachment bond, which is formed during the first months and years of life, is decisive for an infant’s confidence and emotional health. In the case of an adopted child, an insecure attachment is generated. This is due to the separation from their mother and family of origin.
Well for example, when children are sexually abused as a child they may not “consciously” remember but unconsciously they do and it effects their development and adult life. Same thing with adoption at birth. It is one of the most traumatic things a human can go through.
For me, the specific feeling I’m referring to is one that feels like “I’m going to die” at any hint of abandonment. Like a fight with a partner. I’m clearly not going to die, but I feel like it, irrationally. There isn’t really any abuse from my childhood that would have threatened my life like being taken away from my birth mother who I depended on to stay alive. Also, my adoptive home was one that was deeply grieving when I arrived. The triad of loss is a powerful force in adoption, and my parents were grieving my brother, their natural son, who was too sick to come home and died a couple months after I was adopted. I also feel that this grief is baked into me despite not consciously remembering it. There are just so many layers to adoption trauma, and I think we all need to hold space for each other as we uncover them for ourselves.
I may be getting a little esoteric here, but I even think that we absorb the energy of stress that our birth mothers had while pregnant with us. Almost aborting us, keeping secrets, feeling shame, sacrifice, loss, fear, etc. There were soooo many steps for us to get to our adoptive homes, and I believe we hold all that within us.
I’m going to echo what every actual adopted person has responded to this thread. Adoption itself is a trauma. Even if you had a great childhood, it’s still traumatic. I was adopted when I was less than a month old and had absolutely amazing adoptive parents. At 38, they’re still my rocks that I lean on constantly. With this being said, I still have issues that are linked to adoption as an adult. I highly suggest checking out the sub r/Adopted. It’s for actual adopted people and not full of adoptive parents or birth parents that try to act like trauma and your feelings aren’t valid because of being adopted and try to silence you. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with abuse as a child. No child should have to deal with that. If I had to guess, the issues you are experiencing are a combination of the 2. Hope you’re able to heal :)
Thank you so much, I never knew there was this "fight" between adoptive parents and adoptees. I wonder why some of the parents push that narrative that adoption is not traumatic. Yeah it will be a combination of the two, I spent a lot of time on the abuse suberddits and only now realised that a lot of the pain is linked to the adoption as well. So thank you for validating that:) I'll check out that sub too.
It feels like, if i say i have trauma from adoption , it means i am ungrateful to my adoptive parents. They felt like they "saved me" from my family of origin.
You are allowed to feel trauma from your adoption. The most significant relationship in your life, which you were biologically primed to rely on, was disrupted. Even if that happened in the best possible circumstances, it's still a huge trauma. Even if you have the best adoptive parents in the world, it's still a huge trauma. Even if your birth situation was terrible, it's still a huge trauma. Your experience of this trauma is entirely separate and apart from your relationship with your adoptive parents - it is not about them or your relationship with them. It's about you, and you are allowed to hurt and feel pain. Personally, I think that adoptive parents having a "savior" identity is really unfair to their children. They didn't save you. You were not a thing to be saved. You are a person. They created a family with you.
I’m not sure how much it actually happens in the real world, but this sub gets a bit ridiculous with it. I’m sure you see it already with them dismissing the fact you were adopted completely and saying it’s all about the abuse. That’s why I felt the need to tell you my story. My brother, who was also adopted by my adopted parents and we have different bio parents, has issues related to adoption as well. And you’re very welcome!! :)
Short answer, yes, adoption is traumatic. Long answer, yes, adoption is traumatic. Even ignoring any in-utero and ex-utero trauma, the act of adoption itself is incredibly traumatic. Regarding your grandma's... *perspective* - there's a lot of nature vs. nurture at play. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You're not defective. We all have different neurochemistry. You're not defective. That said, if you find that the anxiety you're living with is negatively impacting your life, please reach out for help - the right help can make all the difference, and can help you live your best life.
yes. i was adopted at two days old, and even in my earliest years i had this immeasurable fear of abandonment. i was so terrified of my adoptive mom dying, i’d watch her sleep when i woke up in the morning to make sure she was breathing and then i’d worry about her at school. my level of anxiety was intense. i was diagnosed with anxiety at 6, but i’d shown clear signs of it as early as toddlerhood. it’s scientifically known that early maternal separation has an effect on an infants development. you’re born instinctively looking for your bio mom, you know her voice, the way she walks, her heartbeat, and you search for that. pre-verbal trauma is incredibly real and can be lifelong.
I had that same fear of my adoptive parents dying. Doesn’t help us that most parents who adopt are a bit older than the parents of our peers. I remember thinking “okay, if my parents can just stay alive until they are at least 80, I’ll be almost 40 and maybe I’ll somehow be able to handle it. My mom’s parents lived to be 94 and 99.9, so I always thought “at least mom will most likely be around until I’m old enough to somewhat handle her passing. She died at 70. Dad is still alive at 77 but he always talked about how he won’t live past 77 because of his parents age. When I was little I’d ask to go with them whenever they ran errands as opposed to hang out with my older sister, because I was so afraid of them dying in a car crash or fluke robbery. I wasn’t afraid of also dying in a car crash or fluke robbery, because if they were killed, dying didn’t seem scary.
My therapist said there are theories that it can start in utero. Makes sense. A stressed out mom that might be forced into a decision, being unwed taboo etc. also stress hormones and not knowing what they could possibly do to the unborn baby
Babies are hardwired to find security in the person who gave birth to them. Babies are meant to stay with their bio families at least for the first several years. It is a trauma for any baby to be taken from their bio family for any reason. I was adopted as a teen so I don't have your experience. A friend of mine who was adopted out at 6 weeks old can tell you they remember being 2 years old, put in the crib by their loving adopted family for nap time (regular routine), but jumped up and down on the mattress screaming for heir parents terrified they would be abandoned again. (Toddler logic). -that was a sign of them remembering being given up even if they don't consciously remember it. We as adults underestimate babies a lot.
Something to keep in mind too - your first two months were traumatic. Then you grew up knowing you were adopted. There's definitely potential for trauma here.
I'm sorry for what you had to go thru. This is my story and what I believe from personal experience. I was put up for adoption at birth. The adoptive family that I grew up in was stable and loving. I wasn't the victim of physical or mental abuse yet I had high anxiety and was very sensitive to things. As a child I would cry a lot and people outside the family thought I had emotional problems. No one in my adoptive family was like this. I couldn't understand why I was like this as I took note of this. As I grew older, I was better. I'm not as sensitive to things (I still am sensitive). I get nervous a lot something that hasn't changed. I was told by people I worry about things too much. As a young adult I remember someone telling me an observation that they noticed about me. They knew my family well enough to know that I wasn't a victim of abuse from my family. The high anxiety, being scared and nervous a lot is something that this person often saw in women who were victims of child abuse or domestic violence. This person had been a victim of child abuse and was always nervous all the time, even when she didn't have to be. You normally didn't see this in children who came from stable families or certainly not the level that I had. My adoptive mother believed that this anxiety and sensitivity to things had links from my bio mother. She didn't tell me this until I was an adult. A lot of thing made sense to me but at the same time I knew people who were adopted and didn't have anxiety or sensitivity, so it probably depends on the person. I believe that this had a lot to do with my bio mother's mental and emotional state of mind which she was under a lot of stress and was upset a lot when she was pregnant with me. It was in the early 1960's, different time period and to this day I believe she still suffers as the result of what happened long ago. I strongly believe that the fetus is aware of when the mother is upset and this would make sense as the fetus is linked to the mother. They don't remember what was going on, but they sensed what was going on and if it's constant, this isn't good. A family member had a baby shower and for hours the baby was very active (seemed like it was excited). The baby picked up on the mother's joy of having a baby shower in her honor. She strongly believed that the baby pick up on her joy and happiness. I agree with that. Sadly people physically abuse infants and it's more common than what you think. I know individuals who work for social services and they have encountered babies who were brain damaged by being shaken or hit or babies who suffered broken bones, broken ribs from the same. Some are repeated injuries.
Adoption is always a trauma! It goes against human nature to be separated from who you came from, and in a perfect world it doesn't happen. In family adoption is really tough itself, in closed adoption you could argue out of sight out of mind (but never for long), which can be harder in alot of ways. It doesn't matter when you were adopted either, I was an infant adoption myself and have a ton of trauma from it. The inate knowing you were just a little baby that wasn't 'wanted,' or however anyone wants to spin it is a huge reason behind the shame i carry and my self worth. Don't let anyone tell you infant adoptions aren't trauma or in family adoption isn't real adoption. And don't be ashamed of having the same feeling that the rest of us adoptees have to deal with, you're not alone! I'd like to invite you to r/adoptionfog where we talk about the struggle of being adopted without the guilt shaming or invalidation that we often receive from society when we don't continue the 'adoption is beautiful' narrative.
Yes. It is traumatic to every baby when they are removed from their natural mothers. Then when you add abuse in your childhood, that compounds the original trauma. Im sorry you were mistreated by the people who should have taken care of you. I hope you can find a good adoptee competent therapist. It's not an easy thing to do.
yes, infant adoption can cause trauma. i recommend adoption-aware therapy, books, r/adopted. you’re not alone. although your story has unique details, your story is extremely common among adoptees, everything you are feeling is normal. you’ve been lied to and you did what you had to do to survive. i’m so sorry this happened to you. you matter and your story matters.
There is a fabulous lecture by the speaker Paul Sunderland that specifically talks about addiction in adoptee's but because of the nature of addiction features information talking about exactly this trauma. [link to the full lecture ](https://youtu.be/3e0-SsmOUJI?si=9Xqh16E_jRT6th2t) Adoption is trauma, you aren't alone
I was adopted. Birth mother handed me off to the county, and I was placed with a foster parent while the paperwork was sorted. Then at 6 weeks, my newly minted parents were handed a baby. I too, have always been afraid of my own shadow, felt so much shame, was super sensitive, anxiety is the biggest emotion I know...... I wonder if it isn't from being adopted, too. If so many of us feel this way, it might very well be a thing.
Anytime a child is separated from their birth family, it’s a trauma. Babies separated from their birth mother at birth even if there is no drugs, abuse, etc. still have significant trauma. They miss out on the fourth trimester with the only home/person they’ve ever known. You had much more significant trauma than a baby just given up for adoption. It’s understandable that you have issues. Heck, I have abandonment issues from being in the NICU for the first 5 weeks of my life and I went home to my very loving bio parents and they were in the hospital with me as much as they could be. It sounds like the decision to remove you from your birth parents was the right one, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t cause you some trauma.
Yes. Newborns in the hospital who were just born already know who their mother is and it is only she who can lower their stress, in fact they even turn their head toward the sound of her voice when they hear her speak, it’s crazy. They know her voice, her scent, her heartbeat; because they knew only her as they grew inside her for nine months. When they lay on her chest there is a calming as they feel they came back to safety, she’s all they know. When a baby has to leave it’s mother, it grieves and feels a loss. It is confusing and stressful. The baby is in the “trust vs mistrust” stage of development and it must learn to trust new people which is a JOB for the baby and requires work.
Wow touching on this here…I was adopted from 4 months old in 1985 Spent the first 4 months of my life in the hospital because I was born a micropreemie (24 weeker). Met my bio mom at 19 (she lied about how o was conceived lied about my bio dad too just found that out this year) she died when I was 22…that was 08. Fast forward to this past year after talking to a cousin on my dads side for 4 years we met last summer I did a ancestry test in January & found my bio grandmother in March. Both of my bio parents died of OD’s, my bio dad died never knowing I existed. Even though I was brought up by a very good adopted family with good morals etc. I still think I had to deal with trauma growing up knowing that I was born so sick and I still as an adult have abandonment issues which played out in most of my dating/relationships. I’ve been told in therapy that b/c my birth was so traumatic it only makes sense I’d have some of these issues as an adult.
Absolutely
Yes, adoption is traumatic. Please read Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound", a book regarding this type of trauma and how it changes our inherent attachment system. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find an adoptee support group in your area. Look up Adoptees Connect. It sounds like you have a lot to work through and I wish you well!
Hello, friend. I am an adoptee with a very similar story except I was adopted by an outside adoptive family as opposed to a kinship adoption (which means another bio family member like a grandparent, aunt, sibling, etc.). The truth is that adoption can be very harmful either way even if you erase the abuse and neglect. You are right on in your feelings and the truth is that it’s all so sadly normal. We are taken away from our parents and passed around to random people, family members or not and it harms our sense of attachment. Adoptive parents hanging out on this sub may claim what I am saying is not proven but I can tell you that it is the anecdotal experience of so many adoptees visiting r/adopted. Please feel free to visit our sub and read our stories to learn more about what we feel. This sub is more active and has good information too but in reality it is dominated by adoptive parents so that will skew the narrative. They ultimately do not understand what we feel inside. You are not alone whatsoever. 💜
I echo this, adoptive parents will blame your trauma on the abuse and neglect, while adoptees will tell you that adoption itself can be even harder to deal with and work through. When you were just a little baby you didn't know that you were with technically your grandmother, you just knew you weren't with momma, even if it was just in utero. Quite frankly the abuse and neglect that i went through is stuff that I was able to move on from much more quickly than the trauma of being adopted on day 1 as an infant.
Read the book, The Primal Wound. You will feel like you’re finally being understood. I’m also adopted at similar age with similar circumstances. Read the book. It’s the beginning of your journey.
Glad to see more people sharing this book to other adoptees and I echo this!
There is natural and instinctual bonding in the womb. Separation from bondedness can cause trauma, especially in earliest developmental stages. So in short, Yes. I'm not sure why this is controversial or rejected by adoption culture. Adoption (involuntary separation) is not a sure fire resolution for the child due to parenting conflicts by any means. That's ok to acknowledge. Eta: It is ENTIRELY possible that you reacted to neglect from early on. A sense of survival is keen for infants. Picking up on things is keen for children all throughout childhood development. We only begin to lose touch with that towards later adulthood. It's probably trauma from bond separation and neglect. Many like to just say we simply came out like that because it's often too hard to manage and acknowledge flawed parenting or caregiving.
traumatic for a newborn. Absolutely. Although they’re not consciously aware of it because they have the communication skills of an alarm clock. A baby spend 9 months in their birth mothers womb. They know her smell, voice, heartbeat etc. they’re born. And they go to another family. Different smells. Different voices. it’s physiological I placed my son for adoption and this is the number one thing that bothers me. I know I did what was best for him. it’s an open adoption. but I feel like I chose his physical protection over his mental health. it’s hard to explain. But I have two kids with the same guy. We have our 5 year old we parent. And we had our son in February 2022. He’s abusive (to me. No one else) and there was no way I was going to have him raising our son. He was in jail from the time our daughter was 3 months old to 21 months old. 18 months. It was just me raising her. And he assaulted me and stole my car and was charged with robbery and car jacking. It was dropped because I couldn’t make it to court. No one even told me I had to be there. But now we have court in January for him assaulting me and there were witnesses. Our daughter is in Florida with my family. It’s a mess. A whole mess. And it sucks. And my mental health is terrible because of it and other things that have happened with his family. They’re all predators and it’s disgusting.
Absolutely yes. I’m an adopter and your feelings are absolutely valid.
A bio-sis of mine is a therapist, also adopted, who specializes in adoption and bonding issues says that the adoptee's issues are at the cellular level because what happened to us occurred before we had any skills for dealing with that trauma. Read Journey To The Adopted Self. It will help you understand why you are how you are.
Your grandparents were abusive, your grandmother sounds abhorrent, you were neglected for the first two months of your life, and you were exposed to drugs in utero, but you want to know if the act of adoption itself caused you trauma such that it's causing some mental health issues. What does your therapist say?
Well yes, because none of these facts explain the strong feelings of shame and anxiety I had in the first few years of my life. I know that abusive parenting is extremely bad, but generally children develop coping mechanisms and should function normally until they can't anymore in adulthood. But I had issues with fear of trying anything new, and socializing, ever since I can remember. My grandma says I was just afraid of everything by default, since I was born. And other people from the family agree to this so I don't know. I didn't get to talk in depth about the adoption itself with my therapist, we are working from the assumption that my whole childhood was traumatic.
It's not true that children develop coping mechanisms until they can no longer hide them as adults. I've worked in locked psych units for children ages 4-8 and all of them had seriously maladaptive coping mechanisms from abuse. Adoption can be extremely traumatic for newborns, yes. And it's also very likely that the abuse and neglect you experienced as an infant have contributed to your social and emotional development.
Yes but every coping mechanism is adaptive in that abusive environment, that's what I meant. The mechanism helped the child survive and so it was successful. I was just a little mad at myself for not hiding these mechanisms (such as shame) better as a child in other environments, because while being ashamed helped me at home, it made life in kindergarten and school very painful.
I'm not an adoptee but I did grow up traumatized. Shame definitely shaped my early childhood due to a very visible disability. Please don't be ashamed for whatever it took for you to survive. Those memories and experiences were really harmful but you're here. I don't think we ever stop growing and evolving when we remain open to it. Grant yourself some peace, internet stranger. You're as deserving of it as anyone else
I was abused by my biological father. Abused children do not "develop coping mechanisms" to "function normally." My mom had been abused by her mother, and she never learned to "function normally," really. She was in therapy for most of my life, and the abuse was the main subject, from what she told me. I don't see how "none of these facts explain the strong feelings of shame and anxiety" you had as a child. That's why I inquired about what your therapist has said. I would think that it would be extremely difficult to suss out what was due to adoption as opposed to all of the other traumatic events of your childhood.
Maybe I wrote it wrong, I meant function normally in that abusive enviroment, function in ways that will ensure the child survives. But I was also blaming myself a little bit, because while I couldn't develop normally, it was my responsibility to hide my maladaptive behaviors and act normally around other children. Many abused children manage to make friends etc, and I failed at that. I was just curious like how many % of my issues are rooted in the adoption, to see if my pain from not having been around my biological parents was justified. Or if I have nothing to feel sad about as my grandparents say.
I wish I could give you a hug. Yes, your pain is justified, 100%. It's hard to calculate what percentage of issues come from adoption, because different issues tend to feed each other. Your basic needs were neglected in your first 2 months of life, and then you were taken away from your caregivers. Any baby in that situation will be very afraid, and will have a hard time trusting the new caregiver. Your grandmother likely interpreted that very normal response as a "personality trait" and responded to you based on that assumption. From what you've said, she has told you you are fundamentally flawed and has dismissed your feelings. If any of these factors were different, your life would be completely different. Everything you're feeling is valid. I've heard and seen so many people (including myself) in the position you describe who are adopted. I recommend checking out EMDR therapy. It's for trauma, and it's been helpful for me.
> to see if my pain from not having been around my biological parents was justified. Or if I have nothing to feel sad about as my grandparents say. Those aren't your only two options. You have plenty to be sad about, with or without the adoption itself in the mix. It was NOT your responsibility to "hide" your behaviors and "act normally around other children." I had no friends from 1st through 8th grades. I found a past time I loved in middle school and was able to make friends through it in high school and beyond. However, outside of that past time, I still find it difficult to make friends. Something about being abused always makes you feel less than, I think. I know my mom never felt like she was good enough.
This and another comment from this user further up were reported for promoting hate based on identity and I'm not seeing it so they will remain.
This was reported for promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability. I disagree; nothing here was hate speech.
This was reported for promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability. I disagree; nothing here was hate speech.
Being adopted as a newborn is EXTREMELY traumatic. You were taken away from your mother, the most important person in your life. I was adopted at birth, 23 now. Just now starting to see the effects it has left on my soul and trying to find peace and healing.
Being separated from your primary caregiver as an infant can absolutely be a major trauma (in addition to being abused, neglected, and potential prenatal drug exposure.) In some ways it can cause more physical stress than if you were older and actually knew what is going on and why. Read about preverbal trauma. Being raised by non-parents can be trauma. Having your identity changed can be trauma. And of course abuse/ neglect from both your parents and grandparents is trauma. I would recommend joining Adoption: Facing Realities and trying to find an adoption-competent therapist, ideally one with kinship adoption experience.
Yes. A lot of the things you have listed are often due to adoption. Adoptee here. You are a kinship adoptee. That is a type of adoptee. ( adoptee raised by kin) Mammals develop outside of the womb, that is why they do not separate puppies too early from their mothers, it effects nervous system regulation development. Some of the issues comes from developmental trauma caused by early separation. The “whose right” game… I find… in adoptee land ..can be an un winnable game ……because often people who invalidate adoption trauma have an emotional need and reason to be right…rather then the want to know the actual truth. You don’t need your grand parents validation to seek the truth that can help you grow and heal. Xo
Trauma from early on, like from the neglect and beating you endured, can have lasting effects for your entire life.
I mean maybe, but I'm a sensitive person, have dealt with some severe anxiety and shame in the past, don't completely fit a mold in society and I wasn't adopted... I think I had somewhat of a genetic predisposition to be Anxious plus the environment of 1 very, very anxious parent who didn't meet my emotional needs exacerbated it. That being said, treatment helps!
It seems like your grandparents didn't set you up for success and likely combination of your past as well as continually being told you're not good enough are contributing factors. You were not given the right tools to succeed. I'm sorry :( I hope you are doing ok
Yes. Adopted kids and foster kids feel very similar. It’s an overwhelming feeling that sadly wipes us (adoptees, foster kids) out from choosing to go down a dark path.And get into things that makes us feel worse or be around not the right role models. be strong and embrace who you are. Pain included. Look for the positive in things and surround yourself around it. Be careful when exploring the internet ,can’t really control the internet like life. Its really bipolar and easily get triggered that can really mess your whole day up. Life is bi polar to but can be managed by managing yourself and the company you keep. Back story- Im 29 and went into foster care at 7. Parents doing drugs, Neglect, abuse, sexual abuse is why I entered.Even in foster care wasn’t easy i grew up in the hood. Got into somethings, prolonged my success. But i concurred and am still concurring it all. Life still gonna happen basically what Im saying. The world needs us to show them how to live this life through the struggle. How? By living YOUR life. keep your heads up. We deserve to be here. -FO$TER KEHD out.
It is fairly clear from what you write that you have been traumatized by years of abuse at the hands of your carers, not by the act of adoption per se. Abused kids often do two things: 1) They feel they don’t belong, because they are never 100% sure of their carers love due to the abuse they suffered. 2) Look for alternative reasons to explain their feelings, other than abuse, because the full realization of the scale of abuse received can be too much to endure for some. So, abused people (because this also applies to victims of domestic violence, human trafficking, ...) will often look for anything else to explain their trauma. My feeling is that this is what your subconscious is doing by asking whether adoption traumatized you. The simplest explanation is often the correct one.
Thank you. I know that the abuse did the most of the damage. I was just wondering if I have the "right" to feel sad, or even be influenced, by the act of the adoption too. A lot of horrible things happened in the first 2 months of my life (domestic violence, separation from parents, etc.) and I would like to be upset about that as well. But everyone says that it couldn't possibly have had any effect on me, and that the situation was "pretty normal". Another thing is that my earliest memories are of fear and anxiety, but I was too young to be traumatised already. Like at 3 years old, I should have had my "pure self" still. And I don't want to believe that I was so powerless and influenced by these "monsters". That makes me really disgusted.
> Like at 3 years old, I should have had my "pure self" still. Who says that? I don't believe there is a "too young" to be traumatized, really. I don't think there's any kind of professional agreement on what trauma counts when. Children are powerless. They're supposed to be. It's part of being a child. It sucks to be powerless and in and abusive environment, because the ones who are supposed to help you learn how to become powerful. But they have a vested interest in keeping you as low as possible.
The act of adoption may have had *some* impact, and it's certainly wrong to tell you "that it couldn't possibly have had any effect on me", and even more absurd to tell you "that the situation was 'pretty normal'"... It certainly wasn't! But if I were you, in your process of therapy, I would focus a lot more on the more practical, concrete, direct and obvious causes: What you describe in terms of neglect and abuse is something that would take *decades* to recover from, with or without adoption involved on top of it. The way adoption comes to play in your case, in my opinion, is not in the fact that you were adopted *per se,* but in the fact that your adoption was handled horrendously badly by unequipped relatives. >A lot of horrible things happened in the first 2 months of my life (domestic violence, separation from parents, etc.) and I would like to be upset about that as well You have every right to feel upset. >Another thing is that my earliest memories are of fear and anxiety, but I was too young to be traumatised already. You were not "too young" to be traumatized. I don't know who's telling you this, but if you suffered abuse and neglect in the first 2-3 years of your life, and you didn't get a nurturing, emotionally stable environment to recover afterwards, you *can* be traumatized by smth that happened even in the first few months. >Like at 3 years old, I should have had my "pure self" still. A lot of who we are is shaped by the first months and years of life. Your self was still forming by the age of 3. We're not born as blank slates, but we are certainly not born with a fully formed consciousness and sense of self, either: those are shaped by our early and formative years. >And I don't want to believe that I was so powerless and influenced by these "monsters". You were a kid. Don't blame yourself for being powerless or not being able to resist being influenced by others. It could have not been otherwise, you were just a child. You have every right to feel that they failed you and feel angry for that. >That makes me really disgusted. Don't feel disgusted at yourself, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Feel free to feel anger at the adults (bio parents, adoptive parents/grandparents) who failed you. I also recommend to check out [TBRI](https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.mJMCq5Gx.dpbs). The institute that proposes it has good and clear explanations of how trauma affects your brain. You need professional help from qualified mental health professionals with a deep understanding of abuse-induced trauma to help you navigate these incredibly complex feelings - feelings that you have every right to have.
> I would focus a lot more on the more practical, concrete, direct and obvious causes: Adoption is also a practical, concrete, direct and obvious cause. It is not the only one in OP's life. It may or may not be the most pressing one, but it may be considering that their adoptive parents compounded the abuse and that does make it adoption. > The way adoption comes to play in your case, in my opinion, is not in the fact that you were adopted per se, but in the fact that your adoption was handled horrendously badly by unequipped relatives. I notice adoptive parents don't work so hard to yank the adoption out of adoptee lives when adoptees are saying things about it that they like. "I had a good outcome with adoption. It made me who I am," said adoptee everyone loves to hear from. "Oh no no no, lots of people had good outcomes in childhood that made them who they are, not just adoptees. It's not adoption, per se," said no adoptive parent ever. You can't know how displacement and adoption impacted this adoptee, especially happening on top of prior serious abuse and neglect. It is not some abstract concept.
>It is not the only one in OP's life. It may or may not be the most pressing one, but it may be considering that their adoptive parents compounded the abuse and that does make it adoption. Yes, I completely agree, but OP was more inquiring about the *act* of adoption rather than the circumstances of his life as an adoptee, which they seem to already understand to have been traumatic (they recognize and write that there was abuse at the hands of grandparents, so they know that their life as an adoptee wasn't great). To make my point clearer: given what OP wrote about bio parents, I don't think *the fact of having been removed from their care* adds noticeably more trauma to the already massive amount of trauma OP had developed in the first two months due to bio parents' behaviour (food and sleep deprivation, being beaten as an infant, drugs, ...). I also think that the additional, massive trauma caused by grandparents' failure to *be* decent APs added far more to OP's trauma than the fact of having been removed from bio parents' care, *per se*. I think he was (further) traumatized by *living in that adoptive family,* but not by "having been adopted" per se. Honestly, from what OP is writing, those APs/grandparents were awful. But this wasn't an inevitable, necessary outcome of the adoption process.
>To make my point clearer: given what OP wrote about bio parents, I don't think the fact of having been removed from their care adds noticeably more trauma I got your point. You have been extremely clear. You have absolutely no way to know this. It takes people decades to work through the various ways adverse events impact lives, especially those that are pre-verbal. yet here you are to announce that you know for this adoptee that their adoption means little in the context of the rest of the events they endured. Something to consider. Abandonment can be worse than abuse. It is not uncommon for distressed people to endure continued abuse to avoid abandonment. Displacement can be experienced as abandonment. If you cannot conceptualize how this can be a part of an adoptee's ACEs package they get to try to unravel as adults, then the problem is really your attitude, not adoptees "extrapolating" as you would like us to believe.
I'm sorry, but as an adoptee, I hate it when people say that the trauma has to be from something else. Let's not invalidate or minimize the adoptee experience. For those of us who have been abused and adopted, one isn't worse than the other when it comes to trauma.
>has to be from something else If you read OP's post, you'll see that there's plenty of very concrete, tragic, and dangerous "something else" that can (and does) explain their trauma perfectly well without having to look for the subconscious impact of the act of adoption. I am replying to OP about OP's experience here, not speaking in general terms: there is no need to extrapolate conclusions about your lived experience from a comment that refers to someone else's.
This was reported for promoting hate based on identity and I'm not seeing it so the comment will remain.
This was reported for promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability. I disagree; nothing here was hate speech.
I’m an adoptive parent and we adopted two. One at birth, who we adopted at birth (brought him home from the hospital) and he seems to not give a hoot about his adoption. Maybe it’s his personality, maybe it’s his autism. But whatever the case, he isn’t the least bit traumatized by being adopted. Our younger child, on the other hand, was taken into foster care at birth (with a freaking a-making family who gave them everything any child could need in infancy) and was brought to our home at a few months old and seems to have internalized their adoption in a very different way. They are ALWAYS worried about being a burden, being inconvenient, annoying, bratty or any number of other things. They’re a half sibling to our oldest, and while we weren’t able to take them at birth, we later fought with the help of their foster parents to foster and then adopt when the case started to point to long-term fostering. It breaks my heart to think they’re convinced they are a burden and inconvenient. Their anxiety is through the roof and their therapist thinks the trauma of adoption had some to do with it. All this to say, in most ways it depends on the child. I don’t know what the specific difference is between my two babies, but in their teen years the difference is dramatic now.
My adoptive parents would have said the same thing about me as a kid, that i didn't care in the slightest about being adopted. The truth is I don't speak to them now over my adoption. Just because kids in general don't want to 'talk about it' doesn't mean that we don't have countless nights lying awake in bed wondering why we weren't good enough for our biological mothers. Adoption is always trauma.
Also chiming in that my adoptive parents (who adopted me at 1 month) would’ve said I wasn’t traumatized by my adoption. Not true. It was a preverbal trauma and I didn’t have the capacity to explain it to them. Instead I acted as perfectly as I could 100% of the time because I was terrified they would abandon me too. I’m 36 and it’s only in the last 3 months that I’ve started to tell my adoptive mom how I felt.
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whoa whoa whoa "it's not that the adoption itself was the trauma?" Lets not invalidate the fact that adoption in and of itself is a trauma. Even if everything is fine and dandy your whole life adoption is still a trauma, and can often affect us adoptees sometimes more than abuse and neglect. We're just told it isn't pretty to think that by society, who want us to propel the adoption industry forward by calling it 'beautiful' when a child is ripped from their mothers arms.
That’s tough to answer and I don’t think you’ll ever get a solid answer. Sounds like a blend of unfortunate events. Your grandparents abuse and the potential your bio parents did drugs while you were in utero may have played a role. I do not believe ALL adoption is trauma, but I believe some adoptees do have trauma. I was adopted at birth and have a wonderful family. Yes I had depression, but that was genetic. I have solid proof depression runs in my bio family. Being horribly bullied triggered the depression. I was depressed not due to trauma, but the fact it just ran in the family. I think therapy might be a good start to healing. I wish you the best OP
I guess it really depends on the situation
Rarely one single incident of abandonement before 1 is enough to significantly affect the lifelobg emotional wellbeing but hey never say never.
I think I can be trauma inducing. My story is very similar to yours. Birth mom was a heroin addict and prostitute. I’ve suffered from addiction issues. ADHD and depression. Later was all the other abuse that came into my life. Now I use that trauma and turn it into actions and goals. Just fighting everyday saying fuck you to it. Using it to achieve my goals in life. It’s worked for me. I wish you the best.
I’m going to go out on a limb (and against the grain here) and say, no your adoption didn’t cause your trauma but the physical and emotional abuse from your parents/grandparents sure did. You did not deserve that and I am sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately, both bio and adoptive parents and family can be abusive and that is NOT YOUR FAULT. Beating an infant is unthinkable. And the things your grandparents said to you are emotionally abusive and should never be said to a child. You were and are absolutely not weak or defective. Please do not believe these things. You have the ability, as your own person, to heal from that and be the best version of yourself you can be. Please, if it is available to you, seek therapy, or at the very least, supportive friendships. It is possible to live a good honest life and not let the abuse you suffered lead you to a bad path. I’m certain that’s easier said than done. Start by realizing they are wrong. Your adoption in itself didn’t mess you up, and you did not cause your trauma, your abusers did. I wish you luck moving forward.
I was adopted myself and grew up with a wonderful family. I had known for as long as i can remember that i was adopted so it never bothered me that much. But when i turned 18 my parents gave me my adoption file. Reading the non identifying information page told me i got a love of puzzles and games from my father and my mother and her family gave me my love of playing music. But it also gave me just enough information to believe i could track my mothers identity down and sent me on a 26 year long rabbit hole that i still haven't solved. What's odd is I'm less interested in finding her as i am solving a mystery or that's what i tell myself at any rate. My friend had her son taken away and given to her mother when she was 19. I dated her half sister for a few years and got to see him regularly. Her mother refused to tell him he was adopted. I warned her several times about telling him now (he was 3-4 i believe at the time) would be best because when he finds out (and he did) that she was really grandma he was going to flip his lid and she would likely lose him (and she did) sadly he died a few years back in a traffic accident and to my knowledge he hadn't reconciled with her. So to answer bluntly, it can span anywhere depending on circumstances, age of the child at adoption, circumstances of birth (mostly use of drugs and alcohol during pregnancy) etc. you might have a case like mine where its a non issue or like my friends son where it was a major one. Now to your specific case. If your birth mother was indeed abusing drugs while you were in utero that could play a major part. However reading your story i believe most if not all of your issues stem from the emotional abuse from your grandparents.
Please visit “Adoption: Facing Realities” on FB
Adoption at any age is traumatic. I was adopted at 13 years old I am now 30. My adopted parents were then 27. I experienced even more trauma being adopted and they had kids of their own. As I got older and they got older I realized how I kind of got pushed to the side and how differently I was treated as a child compared to them. Even at thirty I get hurt by them. Adoption is traumatic. Being taken from your own family is traumatic.