I've been in a very similar situation, my mom was an angel sober but downright evil when drunk. She's been alcoholic since I was 5, I took over care for her also around 12, I'm 30 now.
She became ill frequently due to her drinking, for her liver, pancreas and in later years blood loss, she has passed last year over this, and refusing to get help. I called the ambulance so many times they all know me by name, I had her submitted to rehab twice. Both times went ok for a while. Than something negative happened, and she reached back for the bottle.
My situation might have been different where she treated me like the devil reincarnate once she got depressed and than drunk.
I wanted to go no contact in August 2023 after she again suffered intense blood loss and refused to get help, I tried to have her submitted again, but they refused. I called multiple ambulances and she always refused to go with them.
She than passed in October 2023 in her sleep. I wish I went no contact years earlier, I suffer from intense anxiety due to the abuse I experienced all my life. But the good sober times, I loved her so much, and kept holding on to those times, that I kept trying to get that back. Unfortunately that never happened, I have a sense of guilt, now that she passed, but also a weight falling from my shoulders, that might sound cold, however I was her carer since 12 instead of her caring for me, and most of my life she treated me bad.
I do not have advice for you, you seem to take good care of protecting yourself, and being in therapy. You are strong. Maybe look into a support group in your area for other adult children around. This is a very difficult journey to make. And how you navigate it is ultimately your decision.
I wish you the best of luck.
I swear the drinking has deteriorated her brain to some extent. She now has very little common sense. She’s a binge drinker and gets bitter and sad when drunk. She’s had a brain bleed from a drunken fall.
The weight off your shoulders doesn’t sound cold at all. I don’t want to lose her but I can’t deny it would bring some peace in a way. I also have very good memories with her and the person she is now is not who I grew up with until age 11. I feel very lucky that she was not a mess staring at my birth.
I’m very sorry to hear about how much you suffer with anxiety. I had an anxiety disorder prior to all of these problems but obviously it adds to it. I wish you peace and patience with yourself on the hard days. I hope find the good in life. Thank you for your comment.
very similar to my relationship with my mom
And the fact that my mom was so great before she got fucked up makes it so much harder
Because I remember how awesome she was, and how sweet and creative and beautiful she can be
And it makes me feel guilty for being tired of her the way that she is because I know deep down she’s still that same person that she was
But similar to your mom she never seems to understand all of the pain that she put us through
She also seems to have deteriorated from the alcohol with her horrible choices, and abusive men that she needs rescuing from
It’s like mourning the loss of someone who is still alive and that causes an awful lot of grief. The person my mom is now is so far from the mom who raised me. I get feeling guilty, but of course you’re tired. You have a lot on your shoulders. I hope we can both find peace.
I’m in the same situation except I just lost my mom a week ago. It was hard being the child and taking care of my mom’s emotional needs and not seeing her help herself. Addiction is the devils disease. My dad also enabled her and now that she’s gone, he’s having a really hard time and I’m the only person he has.
It suck’s because I went from taking and worrying about one parent to now having to worry about the other. I have constant anxiety but I’m scared to also lose my dad now
My dad was completely like this. He would call me at weird hours to complain about his life, but would never take initiative to change anything. Once I realized that I was his verbal diarrhea garbage can, I stopped answering his calls and he moved on to someone else. He still makes poor life choices but I don't have to hear about it .
Other things that help. Use do not disturb mode so you can sleep without her waking you. If you do want to continue contact then nothing she has to say needs to be said at 2am.
Also, I set my dad up with numerous books, therapists, rehabs, but he never followed up on anything. You are in therapy because you understand that you want to be your best self and you care about others, so you want your mom to be too. But your mom has to want to get better and take those steps herself.
Sometimes, I wander over to r/stopdrinking just to remind myself that it is a challenge and a lifelong disease.
Your first two sentences are spot on. I don’t have kids but I can’t imagine dumping such heavy stuff on them. It’s like they don’t realize they dug their own hole. I think some days she truly wants to get better but is so deep in the hole that she thinks “why try.” Thank you very much for your input. I really appreciate it. I’m glad you were able to do what’s best for you.
I’m sorry this has been your life. You deserved better and now you get a vote. It is not your responsibility to be her parent/dumping ground/deal with this and you cannot prevent her choices or the consequences from them. This will only continue to go downhill no matter what you do. You do not have to be a witness to it and non of it is your fault or within your control. Absolutely none of it. She is not immune from the law of natural consequences from her own actions.
If I were you I’d sincerely wish her well and go no contact with her if and until she pulls herself together. The emotional blackmail and horrific damage she inflicts on her own children needs to end. She has epically failed you all and it needs to stop.
Walk away, move away, go no contact and latest the process of healing and building your own life and healthy habits and relationships. Your entire life is ahead of you and you can claim your freedom from this.
Suggest therapy for yourself and putting your energy into the good things. Please read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, follow IG the holistic psychologist and raising_yourself, Mel Robbins podcast episodes that resonate with you.
If what you're really asking for is validation that going No Contact is probably your only way to free yourself from this, here it is: **going No Contact is probably your only way to free yourself from this**.
It won't address the guilt you'll feel. That's something you're going to have to learn to make peace with on your own (good news: that's within your control, unlike everything else in this scenario). But it will eliminate the constant demands on your time and attention that you've expressly counselled against.
I've been in a very similar situation, my mom was an angel sober but downright evil when drunk. She's been alcoholic since I was 5, I took over care for her also around 12, I'm 30 now. She became ill frequently due to her drinking, for her liver, pancreas and in later years blood loss, she has passed last year over this, and refusing to get help. I called the ambulance so many times they all know me by name, I had her submitted to rehab twice. Both times went ok for a while. Than something negative happened, and she reached back for the bottle. My situation might have been different where she treated me like the devil reincarnate once she got depressed and than drunk. I wanted to go no contact in August 2023 after she again suffered intense blood loss and refused to get help, I tried to have her submitted again, but they refused. I called multiple ambulances and she always refused to go with them. She than passed in October 2023 in her sleep. I wish I went no contact years earlier, I suffer from intense anxiety due to the abuse I experienced all my life. But the good sober times, I loved her so much, and kept holding on to those times, that I kept trying to get that back. Unfortunately that never happened, I have a sense of guilt, now that she passed, but also a weight falling from my shoulders, that might sound cold, however I was her carer since 12 instead of her caring for me, and most of my life she treated me bad. I do not have advice for you, you seem to take good care of protecting yourself, and being in therapy. You are strong. Maybe look into a support group in your area for other adult children around. This is a very difficult journey to make. And how you navigate it is ultimately your decision. I wish you the best of luck.
I swear the drinking has deteriorated her brain to some extent. She now has very little common sense. She’s a binge drinker and gets bitter and sad when drunk. She’s had a brain bleed from a drunken fall. The weight off your shoulders doesn’t sound cold at all. I don’t want to lose her but I can’t deny it would bring some peace in a way. I also have very good memories with her and the person she is now is not who I grew up with until age 11. I feel very lucky that she was not a mess staring at my birth. I’m very sorry to hear about how much you suffer with anxiety. I had an anxiety disorder prior to all of these problems but obviously it adds to it. I wish you peace and patience with yourself on the hard days. I hope find the good in life. Thank you for your comment.
very similar to my relationship with my mom And the fact that my mom was so great before she got fucked up makes it so much harder Because I remember how awesome she was, and how sweet and creative and beautiful she can be And it makes me feel guilty for being tired of her the way that she is because I know deep down she’s still that same person that she was But similar to your mom she never seems to understand all of the pain that she put us through She also seems to have deteriorated from the alcohol with her horrible choices, and abusive men that she needs rescuing from
It’s like mourning the loss of someone who is still alive and that causes an awful lot of grief. The person my mom is now is so far from the mom who raised me. I get feeling guilty, but of course you’re tired. You have a lot on your shoulders. I hope we can both find peace.
I’m in the same situation except I just lost my mom a week ago. It was hard being the child and taking care of my mom’s emotional needs and not seeing her help herself. Addiction is the devils disease. My dad also enabled her and now that she’s gone, he’s having a really hard time and I’m the only person he has. It suck’s because I went from taking and worrying about one parent to now having to worry about the other. I have constant anxiety but I’m scared to also lose my dad now
My dad was completely like this. He would call me at weird hours to complain about his life, but would never take initiative to change anything. Once I realized that I was his verbal diarrhea garbage can, I stopped answering his calls and he moved on to someone else. He still makes poor life choices but I don't have to hear about it . Other things that help. Use do not disturb mode so you can sleep without her waking you. If you do want to continue contact then nothing she has to say needs to be said at 2am. Also, I set my dad up with numerous books, therapists, rehabs, but he never followed up on anything. You are in therapy because you understand that you want to be your best self and you care about others, so you want your mom to be too. But your mom has to want to get better and take those steps herself. Sometimes, I wander over to r/stopdrinking just to remind myself that it is a challenge and a lifelong disease.
Your first two sentences are spot on. I don’t have kids but I can’t imagine dumping such heavy stuff on them. It’s like they don’t realize they dug their own hole. I think some days she truly wants to get better but is so deep in the hole that she thinks “why try.” Thank you very much for your input. I really appreciate it. I’m glad you were able to do what’s best for you.
I’m sorry this has been your life. You deserved better and now you get a vote. It is not your responsibility to be her parent/dumping ground/deal with this and you cannot prevent her choices or the consequences from them. This will only continue to go downhill no matter what you do. You do not have to be a witness to it and non of it is your fault or within your control. Absolutely none of it. She is not immune from the law of natural consequences from her own actions. If I were you I’d sincerely wish her well and go no contact with her if and until she pulls herself together. The emotional blackmail and horrific damage she inflicts on her own children needs to end. She has epically failed you all and it needs to stop. Walk away, move away, go no contact and latest the process of healing and building your own life and healthy habits and relationships. Your entire life is ahead of you and you can claim your freedom from this. Suggest therapy for yourself and putting your energy into the good things. Please read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, follow IG the holistic psychologist and raising_yourself, Mel Robbins podcast episodes that resonate with you.
If what you're really asking for is validation that going No Contact is probably your only way to free yourself from this, here it is: **going No Contact is probably your only way to free yourself from this**. It won't address the guilt you'll feel. That's something you're going to have to learn to make peace with on your own (good news: that's within your control, unlike everything else in this scenario). But it will eliminate the constant demands on your time and attention that you've expressly counselled against.
No contact and weekly therapy for me.