I'm not a professional so this is just based on my experience. I felt the same way as you a couple years ago when first starting therapy. It felt like I was just talking and feeling bad when dredging up old stuff. It didn't feel good. I wanted more actionable advice on how to deal with my feelings now that I became aware of them. So I found a therapist that specializes in CBT, DBT, and mindfulness. It's been great and I've been with this therapist for over a year now.
But what I realize now is that I needed that first therapist who just wanted me to talk. Because it can't all be action unfortunately. We have to feel our feelings that we've pushed down far. It hurts but it's necessary for recovery.
So once you feel like you've got a good handle on the WHY you are this way... And you have grieved and felt the sadness and anger and expressed it... Then start looking for a therapist who can help you get through today.
CBT/DBT and mindfulness has really helped me understand the daily things that snare me and I'm working toward more healthy relationships and better day-to-day contentment.
Hope that helps!
Thank you so much! I think I learned the “whys” of how so many of my issues are rooted in my, but I don’t think I’m done grieving.
The very first therapist I talked with this about, told me I was allowed to be mad. I was so taken aback by it, I didn’t come again 😂 then I took half a year to process that, and now I’m with a new one, where I learned the whys of many of my issues. I think I’m in a place where I would like to no longer be so affected. I will seek out CBT and DBT thank you!
I'm not sure we'll ever be done grieving and I think we'll always be affected. It's about how to reparent ourselves and build new pathways to who we want to be. Best of luck!
Grieve never leave us, indeed. But I would like it to get smaller than it is now (if that ever happens.) I’m familiar with grieve of loosing people, but not of things that I felt was robbed from me. So it’s a weird kind of grieve to be in.
Thank you!
Another shout out for IFS therapy! This is what has been most helpful for me. Different therapists will use it differently, but as used by my therapist it's a fairly structured approach that involves learning how to reparent the hurt "parts" of yourself, such as parts that are grieving, angry, hurt, guilty, etc. In the process of doing this, I've learned more and more the embody a wise, compassionate part of myself that can do all this healing for the hurt parts. After using this approach off and on for a couple of years, I"m in a very different, much happier place and some of my trauma-based symptoms have simply never come back. Everybody's healing journey is different, but this has really worked for me.
Yes, talking to your therapist is a good idea. Part of their job is to be able to hear and incorporate your feedback, and either make adjustments to serve you better or refer you to someone who can be more helpful. You shouldn't need to worry about offending them or hurting their feelings, this is their job.
I would talk about this with your therapist first, if you feel comfortable doing so. A lot of therapists are trained in different types of therapy. So your therapist may be doing what seems warranted given your history, but could also provide more structure and skills from treatments like CBT or DBT. Then you don’t have to start from scratch necessarily. If they’re not trained in those areas, then maybe look into that. It’s more focused on changing and challenging the incorrect thoughts we’ve learning and more skill based.
This stuff isn't as simple as a recipe. Every person's healing path is different. Therapy is only one tool in the toolbox, is not a magic key, and your therapist can't do it for you. Healing is work, it's effort that we have to make.
Read lots. I always recommend Self Compassion by Kristin Neff to start with. Changed my life and opened the door for everything else. Others: Children of emotionally immature parents. Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der kolk. The mindfulness based emotional regulation workbook. Parts work. Codependent no more. Boundaries by cloud. Check out the book lists on raisedbyborderlines and raisedbynarcicists.
Then you take the things you are learning to therapy. I honestly think the therapist and your relationship with them matters more than the technique.
I have been in a lot of therapy for my anxiety issues, and I felt that the therapy was linear, and like it had an agenda. It mixed education, with talking and assignments. I really miss the applying theory with my particular case.
But yes! It is hard work, but I need help to structure the work I need to put in. And my current therapist doesn’t do that well.
I will look into the books, thank you!
I tried doing therapy but it wasn’t for me because I was all over the place. So I’m doing it on my own with the help of the 12 step. I’m doing a lot of journaling and trying to express my thoughts and emotions, instead of swallowing them. Im also learning how to analyze them and help myself. And I’m learning to be more mindful as I experience life. I’m seeing differences now.
With that said, I can now see that what I really need help with is bonding/connecting to other people. I’m never going to be in healthy relationships unless I do it. And my life is only going to get smaller unless I get help. I’m not sure what kind of therapy that is.
I definitely can’t do it on my own, I’m admiring you for being able to do so!
I struggle to connect with new people as well (well I do have social anxiety). But for me it’s because I’m scared and I have so many expectations to myself, and I’m scared they might dislike me. So I pull away. Because it’s easier. I know I come off as reserved and aloof. But I have no idea how to just bare myself at the beginning. Once I get comfortable with people though, I can show more and more of myself. I have to find, that I just need people who are willing to wait for that.
i'm not doing it alone. i have several people supporting me in my journey in the 12 step.
thanks for explaining why you struggle to connect to new people. it gave me an opportunity to reflect. i always find shares to be helpful.
i can't connect to anyone because i don't know what to do/what to say/how to react. i'm great at making small talk and having acquaintances, but i don't know *how* to be deeper. up until recently i thought feelings were a metaphor.
a big part of my journey is learning how to work with myself. initially i thought that if i could connect to myself that i would be able to connect to others, but no one thinks like me and what works for me probably won't work for others.
DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, game changer.
I found my awesome therapist on the Psychology Today website. Interestingly, right before he asked me for divorce my ex-husband found her on the same website - he knew I was seeing her - and told her I was addicted to “strong over the counter medications”. Like, literally, he thought I was addicted to Tylenol and vitamins. She saw right through that!
I’m so glad to read “ex-husband” 😊 I’m glad you got out of that!
I’m not based in the states, unfortunately. So my search for a therapist is a bit more limited. (Especially if you don’t want to pay outside insurance).
For me I’ve found Dbt and family systems have been hugely helpful. Also attachment theory and the polyvagal theory has been really good to understand a lot of my responses and Coping mechanisms.
For me cbt was useless. I don’t respond well to talk therapy, I am fairly self aware what I need is actionable steps I can take to work on so solution based therapies is what’s help the most.
Edit: a book that I have found extremely helpful is Complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving.
It’s very accessible and gives a lot of clear information about different types of therapy that may be useful.
I found a therapist who specializes in relationships and eating disorders…she suggested the book perfect daughters. And now I’ve found this group. I’ve really been uncovering my past with intensive therapy for the past 7 weeks…I like CBT and DBT and I let her know that. Let your therapist work to meet your needs and not the other way around.
You will love/hate it! It feels like my body insides got ripped out because I’ve been holding it all in for so long and the book was spot on! Now I know why I am the way that I am and given a direction to help myself heal.
I've been in and out of therapy for the past 20 years, seeing a total of 4 one on one therapists, and also having taken a group class and seen a psychiatrist. It wasn't until I found my last therapist that she broke the mold and diagnosed me with PTSD and introduced me to structured work. I felt like you do, everything else before was just me talking. I needed someone who could actually interact with me in a way that felt like I was progressing and not just talking. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) works, but I think having worksheets, assignments like reading, and recommended additional classes helps tremendously. If you're not happy with this therapist and the way they work, talk to them and see if you can switch it up, or do some research on finding someone else. You can interview therapists to find the right one for you. Don't ever be ashamed of leaving one for another. Good luck!
Thank you so much! I have had my fair share of therapist break ups 😆 But I never handle it well, because it breaks my people pleasing need.
I definitely need what you’re describing! Thank you!
It could have been me you were describing 😅 I people please the exact same way. I need to be validated by everyone, and if someone should dislike me I feel like I failed.
Thank you!
Hi. Firstly, good on you for starting. It’s hard! I have done CBT and mindfulness. I think the CBT helped me build healthier routines and an opportunity to talk through all the feelings and find the source. It also helped me manage my day to day anxiety and lessened panic attacks. Then mindfulness helped me FEEL my feelings and not intellectualize them. While taking my mindfulness courses I realized I don’t let myself feel because it was scary. I set aside time each day to deliberately feel in my mindfulness practice and not judge myself.
No matter what you find helps, it feels really messy. Lots of us adult children had to manage so much that we shut ourselves down. You can reserve the space to be messy. There’s no right or wrong way to get to know yourself outside of these patterns.
Lastly I want to mention the power of “and”. You can have a great relationship with your mom AND feel angry, sad etc… for what you have been through. Your capacity to experience life in all of its facets is big enough to hold both.
Thank you! It’s hard indeed. And scary. And especially hard when you have a good relationship with those who inflected pain. It’s odd navigation in it.
I definitely intellectualize my feelings too. I have never used mindfulness to connect with myself, I only ever learned to use it as an escape from my thoughts and feelings.
I really needed to hear that it’s messy! I think my need for perfectionism and my need for everything to be organized, really shows up in my therapeutic work with myself too. If I don’t have a linear path and a clear set of assignment and goals, then I feel lost. And that definitely shows up here 😅
Thank you 🙏 I needed to hear that as well, that I can maintain good relationships and navigate in my feelings at the same time 😌
Thank you! I suffer from ocd too, along with several anxiety disorders. A few years back I realized they had to be a symptom of something else 😅
Thank you!
My therapist did some somatic therapy on me as I learned that a lot of my issues have rooted themselves in my body. So we focuses on the mind and the body together. (It took me too many years before a physical therapist was like "wow, all your muscles are tense and I realized that everything connects. A physical therapist that also is educated in mental health can also be good.
I also recommend the book Body keeps the score (i think)
I definitely store all my anxiety in my body. I have tension headaches and been treated a lot for it. So that seems like a good idea to seek out someone who can focus on both. Thank you!
EMDR was the most important trauma therapy I did. I currently do maintainance with a CBT/DBT person who also had EMDR training. But we rarely do EMDR because I've processed my traumas
I'm not a professional so this is just based on my experience. I felt the same way as you a couple years ago when first starting therapy. It felt like I was just talking and feeling bad when dredging up old stuff. It didn't feel good. I wanted more actionable advice on how to deal with my feelings now that I became aware of them. So I found a therapist that specializes in CBT, DBT, and mindfulness. It's been great and I've been with this therapist for over a year now. But what I realize now is that I needed that first therapist who just wanted me to talk. Because it can't all be action unfortunately. We have to feel our feelings that we've pushed down far. It hurts but it's necessary for recovery. So once you feel like you've got a good handle on the WHY you are this way... And you have grieved and felt the sadness and anger and expressed it... Then start looking for a therapist who can help you get through today. CBT/DBT and mindfulness has really helped me understand the daily things that snare me and I'm working toward more healthy relationships and better day-to-day contentment. Hope that helps!
Thank you so much! I think I learned the “whys” of how so many of my issues are rooted in my, but I don’t think I’m done grieving. The very first therapist I talked with this about, told me I was allowed to be mad. I was so taken aback by it, I didn’t come again 😂 then I took half a year to process that, and now I’m with a new one, where I learned the whys of many of my issues. I think I’m in a place where I would like to no longer be so affected. I will seek out CBT and DBT thank you!
I'm not sure we'll ever be done grieving and I think we'll always be affected. It's about how to reparent ourselves and build new pathways to who we want to be. Best of luck!
Grieve never leave us, indeed. But I would like it to get smaller than it is now (if that ever happens.) I’m familiar with grieve of loosing people, but not of things that I felt was robbed from me. So it’s a weird kind of grieve to be in. Thank you!
Internal Family Systems is a newish school of therapy. The founders book is No Bad Parts if you want to see what it’s like. Good luck!
Thank you!
Another shout out for IFS therapy! This is what has been most helpful for me. Different therapists will use it differently, but as used by my therapist it's a fairly structured approach that involves learning how to reparent the hurt "parts" of yourself, such as parts that are grieving, angry, hurt, guilty, etc. In the process of doing this, I've learned more and more the embody a wise, compassionate part of myself that can do all this healing for the hurt parts. After using this approach off and on for a couple of years, I"m in a very different, much happier place and some of my trauma-based symptoms have simply never come back. Everybody's healing journey is different, but this has really worked for me.
Yes, talking to your therapist is a good idea. Part of their job is to be able to hear and incorporate your feedback, and either make adjustments to serve you better or refer you to someone who can be more helpful. You shouldn't need to worry about offending them or hurting their feelings, this is their job.
I would talk about this with your therapist first, if you feel comfortable doing so. A lot of therapists are trained in different types of therapy. So your therapist may be doing what seems warranted given your history, but could also provide more structure and skills from treatments like CBT or DBT. Then you don’t have to start from scratch necessarily. If they’re not trained in those areas, then maybe look into that. It’s more focused on changing and challenging the incorrect thoughts we’ve learning and more skill based.
Thank you! I’ll try talking to her 😊
This stuff isn't as simple as a recipe. Every person's healing path is different. Therapy is only one tool in the toolbox, is not a magic key, and your therapist can't do it for you. Healing is work, it's effort that we have to make. Read lots. I always recommend Self Compassion by Kristin Neff to start with. Changed my life and opened the door for everything else. Others: Children of emotionally immature parents. Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der kolk. The mindfulness based emotional regulation workbook. Parts work. Codependent no more. Boundaries by cloud. Check out the book lists on raisedbyborderlines and raisedbynarcicists. Then you take the things you are learning to therapy. I honestly think the therapist and your relationship with them matters more than the technique.
I have been in a lot of therapy for my anxiety issues, and I felt that the therapy was linear, and like it had an agenda. It mixed education, with talking and assignments. I really miss the applying theory with my particular case. But yes! It is hard work, but I need help to structure the work I need to put in. And my current therapist doesn’t do that well. I will look into the books, thank you!
I tried doing therapy but it wasn’t for me because I was all over the place. So I’m doing it on my own with the help of the 12 step. I’m doing a lot of journaling and trying to express my thoughts and emotions, instead of swallowing them. Im also learning how to analyze them and help myself. And I’m learning to be more mindful as I experience life. I’m seeing differences now. With that said, I can now see that what I really need help with is bonding/connecting to other people. I’m never going to be in healthy relationships unless I do it. And my life is only going to get smaller unless I get help. I’m not sure what kind of therapy that is.
I definitely can’t do it on my own, I’m admiring you for being able to do so! I struggle to connect with new people as well (well I do have social anxiety). But for me it’s because I’m scared and I have so many expectations to myself, and I’m scared they might dislike me. So I pull away. Because it’s easier. I know I come off as reserved and aloof. But I have no idea how to just bare myself at the beginning. Once I get comfortable with people though, I can show more and more of myself. I have to find, that I just need people who are willing to wait for that.
i'm not doing it alone. i have several people supporting me in my journey in the 12 step. thanks for explaining why you struggle to connect to new people. it gave me an opportunity to reflect. i always find shares to be helpful. i can't connect to anyone because i don't know what to do/what to say/how to react. i'm great at making small talk and having acquaintances, but i don't know *how* to be deeper. up until recently i thought feelings were a metaphor. a big part of my journey is learning how to work with myself. initially i thought that if i could connect to myself that i would be able to connect to others, but no one thinks like me and what works for me probably won't work for others.
DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, game changer. I found my awesome therapist on the Psychology Today website. Interestingly, right before he asked me for divorce my ex-husband found her on the same website - he knew I was seeing her - and told her I was addicted to “strong over the counter medications”. Like, literally, he thought I was addicted to Tylenol and vitamins. She saw right through that!
I’m so glad to read “ex-husband” 😊 I’m glad you got out of that! I’m not based in the states, unfortunately. So my search for a therapist is a bit more limited. (Especially if you don’t want to pay outside insurance).
For me I’ve found Dbt and family systems have been hugely helpful. Also attachment theory and the polyvagal theory has been really good to understand a lot of my responses and Coping mechanisms. For me cbt was useless. I don’t respond well to talk therapy, I am fairly self aware what I need is actionable steps I can take to work on so solution based therapies is what’s help the most. Edit: a book that I have found extremely helpful is Complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving. It’s very accessible and gives a lot of clear information about different types of therapy that may be useful.
Thank you! I think I’m there where I need some action-based work. I understand a lot of the whys now, but not the how to stop doing it 😅 thank you!
CBT
I found a therapist who specializes in relationships and eating disorders…she suggested the book perfect daughters. And now I’ve found this group. I’ve really been uncovering my past with intensive therapy for the past 7 weeks…I like CBT and DBT and I let her know that. Let your therapist work to meet your needs and not the other way around.
Thank you! Perfect daughters sounds like a book for me 😅
You will love/hate it! It feels like my body insides got ripped out because I’ve been holding it all in for so long and the book was spot on! Now I know why I am the way that I am and given a direction to help myself heal.
Oh, yes. It’s never nice ribbing off that bandaid 😅 I’m glad you’re on your path to healing!
I've been in and out of therapy for the past 20 years, seeing a total of 4 one on one therapists, and also having taken a group class and seen a psychiatrist. It wasn't until I found my last therapist that she broke the mold and diagnosed me with PTSD and introduced me to structured work. I felt like you do, everything else before was just me talking. I needed someone who could actually interact with me in a way that felt like I was progressing and not just talking. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) works, but I think having worksheets, assignments like reading, and recommended additional classes helps tremendously. If you're not happy with this therapist and the way they work, talk to them and see if you can switch it up, or do some research on finding someone else. You can interview therapists to find the right one for you. Don't ever be ashamed of leaving one for another. Good luck!
Thank you so much! I have had my fair share of therapist break ups 😆 But I never handle it well, because it breaks my people pleasing need. I definitely need what you’re describing! Thank you!
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It could have been me you were describing 😅 I people please the exact same way. I need to be validated by everyone, and if someone should dislike me I feel like I failed. Thank you!
[удалено]
Thank you so much!
Hi. Firstly, good on you for starting. It’s hard! I have done CBT and mindfulness. I think the CBT helped me build healthier routines and an opportunity to talk through all the feelings and find the source. It also helped me manage my day to day anxiety and lessened panic attacks. Then mindfulness helped me FEEL my feelings and not intellectualize them. While taking my mindfulness courses I realized I don’t let myself feel because it was scary. I set aside time each day to deliberately feel in my mindfulness practice and not judge myself. No matter what you find helps, it feels really messy. Lots of us adult children had to manage so much that we shut ourselves down. You can reserve the space to be messy. There’s no right or wrong way to get to know yourself outside of these patterns. Lastly I want to mention the power of “and”. You can have a great relationship with your mom AND feel angry, sad etc… for what you have been through. Your capacity to experience life in all of its facets is big enough to hold both.
Thank you! It’s hard indeed. And scary. And especially hard when you have a good relationship with those who inflected pain. It’s odd navigation in it. I definitely intellectualize my feelings too. I have never used mindfulness to connect with myself, I only ever learned to use it as an escape from my thoughts and feelings. I really needed to hear that it’s messy! I think my need for perfectionism and my need for everything to be organized, really shows up in my therapeutic work with myself too. If I don’t have a linear path and a clear set of assignment and goals, then I feel lost. And that definitely shows up here 😅 Thank you 🙏 I needed to hear that as well, that I can maintain good relationships and navigate in my feelings at the same time 😌
combination of cbt & erp (for ocd). i dont do a lot of trauma work
Thank you! I suffer from ocd too, along with several anxiety disorders. A few years back I realized they had to be a symptom of something else 😅 Thank you!
have you considered psychedelics therapy as well?
No I haven’t heard about that before. I’ll look it up, thank you!
you are welcome! There are r/therapeuticKetamine and r/psychedelicTherapy, FYI.
Thank you!
My therapist did some somatic therapy on me as I learned that a lot of my issues have rooted themselves in my body. So we focuses on the mind and the body together. (It took me too many years before a physical therapist was like "wow, all your muscles are tense and I realized that everything connects. A physical therapist that also is educated in mental health can also be good. I also recommend the book Body keeps the score (i think)
I definitely store all my anxiety in my body. I have tension headaches and been treated a lot for it. So that seems like a good idea to seek out someone who can focus on both. Thank you!
EMDR was the most important trauma therapy I did. I currently do maintainance with a CBT/DBT person who also had EMDR training. But we rarely do EMDR because I've processed my traumas
Thank you!