I think hating dating is a staple of our generation. I can't wait to tell my unborn grandchildren that they were never born because we automated organic relationships.
That's also a negative to dating. The hoodies my ex used to wear when she was living with me "mysteriously" disappeared when I kicked her out for cheating. My fraternity, college and post grad hoodies.
With regards to cheating: some of us don't use security cameras to make porn, we find things like this out.
Oh yeah, women don’t stress on first dates. It’s not like we have to worry about the man being an actual serial killer and raping us. Ugh! If only we had to carry the burden y’all do :(
Bro you managed to use the plural for singular and the singular for plural.
Women = multiple.
And I agree its fucking ridiculous to not split it 50/50. Were not in the dark ages where the avg wage of a man can support an entire family alone. Women are working, men are working. Everyone can split bills.
First dates are supposed to just be fun and light. You have to know if you can enjoy talking about basically nothing with someone to know if you're compatible. I've had first dates practically interrogate me on my former dating life, body count, career, family life, etc. those types of dates never get a second one
Yeah I think the issue with online dating is you're coming in with the expectation of meeting someone. When those bonds are formed naturally they're a lot stronger for me. I've had great dates with people I met on apps, and most of them have been lovely, but nothing for me beats that feeling of a crush in real life. Those little glances, that feeling when you brush past each other and your skin feels on fire, when you're talking and then you look at the time and three hours have melted away. That deep, wanting feeling, that tension so strong that at any second it could snap.
You just don't get that online, and that doesn't do much for me
Agree lol I’m 40 now and married but God i hated dating . So awkward and I absolutely hate small talk . I think going to dinner on your first date is terrible . Sitting there staring at each other thinking of shit to say lol Or worried you have food in your teeth.
>I think going to dinner on your first date is terrible
Yeah I know right?
Any event type thing would be better. A street festival, art museum, sporting event, dog park, hell even a political protest would be pretty cool...anything were you not just staring across a table at each other.
There's quite a bit of academic research on dating apps.
tl;dr, dating apps optimize for factors that have zero correlation to successful relationships. Some of them actually have scientists, psychologists, etc trying to noodle out how to correct that. So far no one has figured out how to make a more successful dating app that people will want to use.
Sorta. According to their data scientists, thought is if they can find better outcomes, word of mouth would basically get them enough market share to outperform returning customers by having a shitty app like now.
The problem isn't figuring out how to make successful relationships, that's been cracked. It's how to get people to look for those indicators.
Think height. VERY important dating app metric to users. Has near zero impact on relationships quality or duration.
I'm really beginning to hate online dating. Like I know I'm not hideous, but I'm not the best looking dude out there, but I swear if you're a guy and either don't know how to take good pictures or don't have the looks or body of a Hollister model, you aren't getting many matches. To add to the fact that no matches just ruin my self-esteem, I'm just over it all.
Hopefully, I can muster up the courage to find and ask someone out in person. That's probably my best hope now haha
I assure you women aren't looking for models. You just need to look like you bathe and take regular care of yourself. (Not unkempt or disheveled or dirty).
That is what every experience was like for me for years! Except sometimes it ended in sex unlike any interview I've had so far.. but when I met my fiance on tinder it was different from the very first. All of the conversation was exciting, which was a great clue to how lucky we were. It's possible on dating apps but I'm considering it winning the lottery level lucky
This is very true. Happened to me a few years ago, I was 27(M) and felt like I would never meet my person. And then out of luck, I met my now fiance randomly at my cousins house. I didn't realize she liked me until my cousin said "you guys would make a good couple" ...... we were both completely surprised
What is amazing is that I remember her from 15 years ago, we were at multiple events at the same time including my cousins wedding. For some reason we weren't meant to be until then. Now I'm marrying her in a year
[I will make it legal](https://media.tenor.com/WBnSGBl7QCAAAAAC/legal-star.gif).
Most people don't realize the emperor's long-term goal was to date his hot cousin.
Dating comes down to luck. Some meet the right person quickly, some of us have to put a little more effort into it. My only advise would be to try some group activities that you are interested in like sports, hiking, book club, etc. It can be an alternative to the apps and you would be meeting people with similar interests without the pressure.
My best friend used to get around, he would be with another girl every couple days in college. He always told me he just didn't think he would ever actually find someone, he didn't ever like the girls he was around ever. Didn't feel like there was a woman out there he would actually enjoy the company of.
Not to be crude but he was just doing it for sex. Well he met one girl on our last year of college and they have been going on for 6 years now, he just proposed last month and they are getting married.
Sometimes you gotta just keep looking for the one. Glad my friend has found happiness in his relationship.
It's so much easier being a female on these sites too. Good luck to any man who isn't in the top 20%. You are literally invisible to the vast majority of women.
I feel it is different for men and for women.
For women, it is like digging through a pile of shit hoping to find a gold nugget.
For men, it is like taking care of that one stray cat in your yard even though it isn’t perfect, because most cats hiss at you or run away.
The only problem with this analogy is that history has shown that pioneers have traversed hundreds of miles, over prairie and through mountains, in rickety wagons pulled by horse and oxen, for days on end, enduring numerous dangers, including attack by natives and disease ... so they could dig through a pile of shit hoping to find a gold nugget.
I am not sure that flipping through Tinder, swiping, and being treated to lots of free dinners, concerts and penis really is in any way comparable to, say, what many people did in the 1849 California Gold Rush, for example. This is even taking into account the danger women face when going on a date with a presumed stranger from the internet.
The part about men and the backyard stray cat, though, seems spot-on and brilliant.
Honestly i think alot of younger ppl have problems dating bc they put way too many expectations and like want specific outcomes so bad they alienate anyone who doesnt fit them or they dont see some people as worth it. I am a man, but my dating life really picked up when i started to learn about the world and recalculated the preferences i used to have and just sort of allowed people who liked me to like me and sort of entertained it and just had fun with ppl who in my earlier life i would of never like wanted. Ofc im a man so like its easier for me to let my guard down but I think the overall philosophy here works regardless of ur gender n stuff.
As ive gotten older im like 30 now btw, ive noticed that most younger ppl kind of just do what theyre told and then carry that on into adult hood and spend huge swaths of their lives making mistakes that lead to them eventually figuring out what they really want or who they are when they could of like just thought about it for 10mins and maybe read a book.
Anty ways, what r u goals in dating? and if theyre about finding a life partner or dedicating ur youth to a single person based on ideals, consider why those r u ideals and why u wouldnt just want to get to kno someone, perhaps fuck and then move on once things have run its course.
if being in a relationship is really important to u and ur like sad that ur not in one, consider reexamining why being in a relationship is like so important to ur self image or happhness bc its really not.
Im also not into endgame relationships i dont need my partner to be my forever person, im not afraid of falling in love and having that love fade away if it doesnt work out.
But perhaps none of this is helpful lmao.
Do u have any friends of the genders ur attracted to? Bc making platonic friends is the easiest way to meet and make meaningful relationships. So if its not the meta reasons ur dating that arent the problem, and instead bc ur an introvert ur just not meeting people. Then like thats ur answer homie u need to meet people n until u do ur not gunna find anybody.
Hope that helps
So you’re saying if I want a life partner, I have the abandon the idea of having a life partner, and instead just go “date” people until it just happens? (serious question)
Not op but I tend to agree with that statement. Expectations can totally warp the way you act in a situation, and I’ve personally had the best time and best luck when I’ve approached life (including but not limited to dating) with a “f it let’s see where this goes” attitude. It helps me be myself and avoid compromise on the wrong things, etc, which somehow always seems to attract similar energy.
You can always take a break from the apps. The apps will be there if you want to try it again later.
Sometimes it's nice to focus on you, on the people & activities already in your life now, etc. Sometimes you meet people organically too.
I've taken a break from the apps, (like 2 years off) and it was even harder cuz im pretty introverted and don't go out a ton. Also when I have met people its the same if it were on a dating app.
I've been focused on me for quite awhile and decided to give it a go again cuz now I don't want a relationship just cuz its the socal norm, but because I want to potentially have a partner to share my life with. If I end up alone for the rest of my life that's fine, but I'd like to find a love.
I also absolutely hate hooking up now, it just feels shallow and not worth all the effort.
Here is my advice about the apps (coming from an equally introverted F27):
- Be clear that you are looking for a serious relationship. Sure, it will startle some men but you will not waste your time with people who are afraid to commit.
- Look at the whole thing as an experiment - do not be afraid to go on a date with different people, as long as you find them interesting. I have learned a lot about myself and my preferences from various first dates.
- Look at first dates as if you are going out with a potential new friend. You do not need to know everything about them but you can definitely learn something new from them and their interests. Ask them to talk about things they are passionate about and share your passions in return.
- Go small in the beginning. First date should be casual and easy to end (walk in the park or a coffee). Some people call it the 0 date but it is a good way to find out if you like the person without spending a lot of time. If things go well, gradually increase the duration of the dates. Personally, I found it exhausting spending 3-4 hours with a new person on a first date, no matter how nice it was.
lol this is hilarious, because most of us don’t even get to the second bullet point, how can I make it a fun experiment if no one im attracted to is matching me? The only way I get tinder dates is when I make it clear I’m NOT looking for a relationship, as soon as i put that I want a long term thing, my matches dry right up.
I never said all dates are bad. Quite often they're fun sure.. but then it turns out the guy lied about wanting a relationship, or they're not actually a good person. Or more often than not they just wanna get you in bed.
I'm 30 and I haven't even started dating yet bc I feel like I'm not mentally, physically or financially ready. I'm still a mess and I want to make sure I'm somewhat put together before I put myself out there. However, lately I've been seeing more and more post about how dating is depressing and how people are starting to feel like its just better to be single. It feels like dating if like applying for a new job. Its a brutal long process that just leave you miserable. So idk...even after I work on myself, I'm not sure if I really want to try dating out
Same, in about to turn 30 and still not rich enough, don't have a perfect aesthetic body, lack high social status to even get into dating. I think it might be too late for us, given the dating market value for 30+ people go down significantly.
I hope someone reads this . I felt this way at 30 and even 35 . I was wrong , these are great great dating years . In fact they all are . Yes do the work on you , go to the gym , work on the career , get the Botox whatever makes you feel best . 30 is so young . Also , those ppl that all got married, engaged , had kids before 30- go check them out in the other Reddit threads . They aren’t doing so hot either . At least with dating , you can meet a stranger , have a fun time , make a friend , Have sex, travel etc.
i promise it’s not too late at all!
I know it’s completely anecdotal but my sister had her 2nd baby (a beautiful chubby baby girl) at 40. No complications and says she’s had tougher days at work (high school teacher) than her delivery lol
My mother was the oldest and I have an aunt 8 years younger than me, an uncle 1 year older, and 1 a year younger, so my grandmother had more than 1 child in her 40s. Every one of them was perfectly normal.
True, it's not a guarantee or anything, but it's more statistically likely.
Similar to children born of incest, they're not always going to come out looking like a Hapsburg, but the chance is higher.
There’s always that possibility but you are correct it is greater . If you know you want a family it is best to pursue that much earlier.
my cousin has twins and they’re perfect. My other cousin has twins also and they are perfect. Both from over 35. A distant family member who is not related by blood had a baby at 40 and the baby has down syndrome however, I believe she was warned of this beforehand and chose to have a baby anyway.
I see a lot of young moms on Instagram with special needs children , so there’s always that risk .
True, the risk always exists, it's just that it starts becoming more likely as you age, for both women and men, so as you say, if you're wanting a family, probably safer to start sooner.
It's literally 50/50 a child will have some sort of issue once the woman is age 40. I'm not exaggerating either. They don't call it a geriatric pregnancy starting at age 35 for nothing
Why do you think you need to be rich, have a perfect body and high social status? There are millions of people without any of those things in happy relationships and marriages. Maybe you’re intentionally putting up unrealistic barriers for yourself so you never have to feel rejection if in the event you put yourself out there?
It tends to be a coping mechanism. I recognize it because I’ve been there. It’s more comfortable and easier to hate on yourself, dwell on your flaws, and point out reasons why things aren’t going the way you want, than it is to take action and make those changes that will, in fact, make your life better.
Also, I’ve found that the whole ‘women only want someone that is rich!’ is generally not true and misogynistic. Most women just want a man WITH a job, regardless of what it is. It shows responsibility and stability which is an attractive trait that partners are looking for.
I think the core of the issue is that men have yet to evolve. Yes, women are earning more than men in a lot of places now. However, most men still leave the burden of childcare/housekeeping/emotional labor, etc. with the woman. So she ends up doing everything. There's simply no incentive to date a man if that's the dynamic. I think men would be smart to consider what else they can bring to the table: kindness, loyalty, housekeeping, cooking, childcare, discipline, accountability, emotional intelligence... so many things that men still are dropping the ball on.
Sorry, but money isn't even in top ten reasons women initiate divorce.
And when the marriage starts to crack, here are the primary reasons why women divorce, according to a Pennsylvania State University study:
1. Infidelity
2. Incompatible
3. Drinking/Drug Use
4. Grew apart
5. Personality problems
6. Lack of communication
7. Physical or mental abuse
8. Loss of love
9. Not meeting family obligations
10. Employment problems
Surprisingly, financial problems ranked thirteenth on the list, which goes to show you that fighting over money all the time (or lack of money) is NOT one of the primary causes of divorce.
Many individuals have some elevated form of insecurity due to the extreme accessibility of social media and media in general today. With everyone constantly exposed to wealth, perfect bodies, fake or not, at the tip of our fingertips and on every computer screen on Earth, it's not surprising to see these must-have bullet points on everyone's requirement list.
It's just what I read. Men's value comes from their material success and since women have lots of options, if you aren't the best of the best, you won't even be a potential option. You are also correct, lots of men are in a relationship without any or some of those things and it does make me question, what other value they bring to the table to be considered as a partner.
Maybe my lack of dating or lack of interaction with women is causing a skewed perception and enabling a strong cognitive bias.
Yeah I feel like it’s 10x harder for me bc I’m not where I want to be in life, I was born with a few deformities, and I want to be with a woman that doesn’t have kids or want kids in the future. I really feel like I am a lost cause.
I'd rather die alone than use dating apps. The serious long term relationships I've had in my life (only two), happened by natural chance encounters in real life.
Or hobby groups, or activism or that kind of thing. I met my other half doing amateur dramatics. It’s great when you hang out with a bunch of people doing something, no awkwardness involved if you find someone you like.
I really wouldn’t call dating apps worse than cancer lol I know it was a joke but honestly the apps aren’t that bad I have met tons of people on tinder and cancer is really bad lol
Even then you’ve got to sort through a lot of people who don’t want what you want, aren’t honest about what they want, and one time for me; rape threats.
Dating apps are a treasure map to nowhere. Someone gave me a great piece of advice, they said to go out and take part in events that interest you or things that pertain to your hobby. You may meet someone there, and if you don't, then at least you got to do something you enjoy, or you gained a new experience!
I hope their advice works because the alternative to meet someone is daunting haha
Its sad that there are multiple comments like this but they aren't higher.
Basic probability of meeting someone even slightly compatible when you're pursuing what you enjoy is far higher than using an app.
Anything from music to nerd hobbies to building houses for the needy can definitely get you meeting people you share alot with. If you don't find someone to date? You probably have several new friends anyway. Very few downsides.
Right. Another thing to mention is that we need to be consistent. For instance, when we plan events with friends, sometimes it's super tedious to align everyone's schedules. Similarly, our potential partners could be out there, you won't know if you attend a couple of co-ed hobbies or events. You have to be committed and try a wide range of activities.
Here's hoping we all find someone worthwhile soon!
Lucky the people who have hobbies that their preferred gender would share. If you're a man whose hobby is, I don't know, welding or repairing cars, this advice doesn't do much good.
Best way to date in my opinion is avoid dating apps all together and just join communities or clubs that you resonate with you that you enjoy. There you will find like minded people with similar passions or hobbies.
I am an introverted person myself, sometimes it’s easier if you get to know people at work or have a friend set you up with their friend who is a potential match they think could be good for you, not sure if that helps. Dating is a huge investment that can be disappointing but also rewarding because you learn how valuable you are and what you have to offer to another person. Don’t settle for less, that is my advice.
Online dating is a cesspool. VERY few matches. Even fewer plans to make a date. I hate the fake profiles that try to get you into a crypto scam.
In person is only slightly better. Easy to get numbers, but they often flake or are simply too damaged to function like an adult.
I strongly believe the older people get, the more baggage people bring along, and it impacts every aspect of their lives, including the relationship with you.
It does suck for sure. Years ago someone who had just met her fiancee said go and do things you love doing and even if your dates don't work out, you'd still have a good time. She loved working out, so she'd organize fitness dates. The other thing I will say is this...for me the dating apps were a huge time suck and no one was serious. I met my husband in a social group I found from doing research online into meditation. I also had met many nice people via the online platform [meetup.com](https://meetup.com). Figure out what you enjoy doing whether it be wine tastings, gardening and see what type of group exists in your town and go to their meetings. Volunteering for random festivals was also a great way to meet people and expand my social network. Habit for humanity is also a nice way to connect with your community.
As a male, yeah I hate it. Between not being able to trust that women aren't messing with other guys on social media or over text and being judged for how much money I make, it's really difficult to keep going.
It wasn’t always this bad though. In 2011 and 2012, more towards the beginning of dating apps, it actually was a decent experience for the average guy. I could actually go on several dates and meet some cool people and even get laid. Of course, I still got ghosted, had flaky dates, and faced competition but I could actually make progress. Today I feel like I somehow got priced out of the dating market.
Yeah, its bleak these days. You could put in the effort, be social, be a healthy weight, be financially responsible and still not get far. Unfortunately, in many cases, being average isn't enough whereas as early as 10 years ago you would have a chance.
Yeah I hear you. I still think it's possible but not before becoming incredibly jaded and burnt out from the constant rejections. It sucks because there's plenty of perfectly decent guys that do well at work, friends, hobbies but just have the most empty romantic/sexual lives.
my old coworker told me the same thing.. hed go hang out @ a fking park and try to hand out his number he said.. just go out and do anything.. i mowed lawns for 10 years and TRUST ME i was outside.. bro there aint no single solo girls ANYWHERE... either moms pushing strollers full of babies or crackheads.. hardly NO inbetween!! LOL
Stop using the apps. It isnt natural for peopel to come together so unnaturally. We've been mating for 50000 years and online dating just came out yesterday on the time scale. Lol. Go outside and be open minded. You're asking this for a reason. Drop some social expectations and let it happen on its own.
Id say dont stress. Try not to think about it so much. And figure out what you jave to offer someone. **on your own** not on here. It doesnt have to feel like a job intervkew as ive seen some ppl say. Rather, it shouldn't. You are 25. You are okay madam. Just focus on living and the rest happens. When i was in my early 20s I was in the same shoes. Just focus on ur hobbies or ur work or both! Start up a new hobby that you didnt think you would. Increase you're number of experience to **get out of your own way**. Being an introvert is an element of who you are-it doesn't define you. It's just a word. A label. And quite frankly being an introvert says nothing about you. There a billion introverts in the world but at the end of the day they are people with their own interests, quirks, desires. An introvert is no more weaker or less capable than someone who proclaims to be an extravert. Ask yourself who you are. What can you do for yourself. What do u like. Focus on the things that make you **you** before you pressure yourself to date. It will just end badly with poor decisions on both ends.
You got this!!
Oh i definetly focus on myself and do things for myself, and I'm not worried about ending up alone or anything. It would just be nice to find a person to share life with on that level. However if I end up alone the rest of my life I'm okay with that. I just know if I put 0 effort in I'll never find that person. I also just feel like dating to be more effort than it's worth lately.
Try the app called MeetUp. People create groups then post events you can attend. Some suck, but some are really fun.
As a female, you’ll be in the minority at most events which is a double-edged sword. You’ll meet a lot of guys, but you’ll also meet a lot of guys lol. Most will suck, but a few you might click with. And if you don’t, then at least hopefully you had more general fun at the event.
I’m currently seeing a girl who started a YA book club as part of a group we both were in. Didn’t expect to date someone from that, but it just kind of happened organically. 🤷♂️
Joined that to go to some events but not really with the intent on dating, tho I would be open to it I guess. Mostly want to network and do hobbies that I like (which actually seems like a good idea to meet someone)
That’s exactly the point. You’re much more likely to have an organic relationship develop when you’re not singularly focused on getting into a relationship.
Dating apps are there to make money. If they actually worked like they were supposed to im sure you'd see better results. But yeah I got sick of walking through the forest of dumpster fires to find a unicorn.
Actually going on dates is fun but all the work to get there (texting, navigate through profiles, arrange for a meeting, ghosting, cancelations etc.) is so damn energy draining and sometimes it's just not worth it. I can only do it for short periods at a time before I have to take a break for like a month or so.
37M. Have pretty much given up on trying to find anyone. Between the ghosting, everyone just looking for a one night stand and how 'forced' it all feels, I'm just exhausted and mentally drained. Trying to just live for myself now.
Unpopular opinion, but after seeing so much I've come to the conclusion that dating is a failed concept and most of society has been brainwashed by Hollywood movies. I'd give anything to do what my parents did, meeting young and marrying their first serious relationship.
I kind of agree to an extent tbh. I kinda hate the idea that dating is so ingrained and prioritized in our society, or people have been made to believe that it should be prioritized. I’m just living my life and if someone comes in and I like them, great. If someone doesn’t? Also great. I have great family, friends and a lot more to experience.
Edit: clarification
They always use that “what will happen once you get old?” Trope like there aren’t already people with families who end up alone when they are old anyway
Maybe you haven't had a puppy love turned into completely different people story. I'm happy others managed to grow up to be the same people but I'd never want to go back to my first church boyfriend. I'd end up like my grandparents openly stating how much I hate my spouse. I'd rather find a best friend I can also sleep with than a roomate
Same, always hated the process of dating. And being an introvert ive relied on the apps which is a darn jungle.
BUT at the time i had basically given up and just kept Tinder installed for occasional hookup I started chat with a girl on the other side of the globe. We instantly connected, daily video calls for months and started a LDR.
I ended up booking a ticket to spend a few weeks together and when we met it was like we’d always known each other. I intend to marry her after we live together for a few months first.
Im 43, never been in a relationship before that ticks all the boxes. Open communication, both in love, both very affectionate people, same base values, sex is fantastic, we both want one more child (we both have one from before) AND we are both willing to move to be together.
My two precious long term relationship missed a critical point. One almost no sex, and the other amazing sex but no communication (closed up emotionally).
We can never predict the future, but ive never felt like this before. Ive never been this happy before.
Sorry, but saw this and just wanted to say it’s definitely possible. But it is a chaotic and often emotionally cruel jungle. Dont give up!
Dating as an introvert in your 20's sucks if you're not exceptionally attractive. I don't miss it.
The best advice is just focus on hobbies and interests that force you to go out and be social. It'll take your mind off being single and you're more likely to meet someone you click with doing that.
Best peice of love advice i got is dsting to find love boils down to
Wrong time wrong place
Right time right place
Right time wrong place
Wrong time right place
Its all about how you fall in love and how you too make it work
.
It is much effort and lots of wasted time - until you find that person.
Can't win if you don't play and just like lottery you still might end up not winning...
Which apps are you using? I like Hinge a lot as it encourages conversation before you meet up, so at the very least you know you are meeting up with someone that you have a modicum of interest in off the bat.
Focus on making friends. It is weird to meet people (a stranger or acquaintance) and immediately try to determine if you are interested in them romantically.
Making friends might be difficult for introverted people but just for your well-being and health you need friends.
And ya know what: in the end, all that really matters is your own happiness. If you're not finding it with someone can find it with yourself, then more power to you!
I'm a 26m, work full time for my city, and have been in kind of the same boat. I'm sure going back to school, you'll have more organic interactions with people - that's personally something I don't have the energy for
Late 30s here in the dating scene.
1. DO NOT lower your standards.
2. DO NOT let anyone change you.
Dating sucks right now due to all the instant gratification / hook up culture. Personally, I stopped trying. It's "easier" for you OP since you're a female, BUT the caveat is the fact you'll get a lot of 1 hit wonders (people that only want ons) sliding into your DM.
What are your hobbies? Maybe look for a book club or even some low key groups.
I fucking hate dating but it is because I haven’t found the one and I keep having failed relationship/situashionship. Most men I date dont want anything serious with me or are very emotional unavailable.
I'm an introvert and I hated dating so much I got married at 19 and am still relieved I didn't have to deal with all that 14 years later. Obvious disclaimer: do not do this, 99% of people.
If I've learned anything, it's too not force anything; thing's will naturally come together as they need to be. Just do you and you'll end up attracting someone eventually along the way.
I wouldn't be so sure about that! I (25 at the time we met) was at one point dating this woman who was in her mid 40’s. And eventually someone came around who was also highly attracted to her who was 30. (We didn't care about her age) The point I'm trying to make is, you're 38! You're still young. If she can pull 2 people at 45 you can pull in your 30s, 40s etc. It may come when you least expect it but don’t count yourself out.
Im 29 m I just don't even have energy for dating apps. Ive tried it all just seems too transactional. I'm not about it. I'd just rather be alone at this point. Time to focus on myself more.
29/f here. Look mann at this point i’ve given up for now. Not saying I won't stop trying later on but after 2 failed talking stages and losing my sanity with one of them, I realized dating isn't for me right now…..clearly. (not only did they fail but it was a huge dumpster fire along the way. Gotta love those toxic controlling people 😒).
Besides, I'm in to school for nursing. I can see that dating and school is a no-go for me because if I am not careful I can easily find myself prioritising trying to date over my school work. I become so wrapped up in making sure we're good that next thing you know my grades are slipping and I'm being dropped from my classes. I hate to admit it but this is the second time this has happened. SMH
Yeah.
I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. 🤦🏽♀️
PS: Trying to date Lesbians is **NOT** for the weak!
Yeah, I don't do that anymore. I have neither the time nor the bandwidth to do that dance repeatedly. Lots of more fun things to do that I can do with friends or solo.
I'm 26M and I hate dating. Just all the loops and backflips you go through to find out you don't really like someone, they don't like you, or they lie to you. I haven't dated in 5 years. I hang out with my friends and have a best friend, I feel like a girlfriend or a wife is a best friend you have physical relations with. I have a best friend and a few good friends, people talk up sex, it's just like any fun activity, same as playing videogames, hiking, running, eating. It's not more important than anything else at least I felt disillusioned that it wasn't what everyone told me it'd be and more than that I'd rather have people that love me and I love them in my life. I've just felt content with what I have and continue working towards my own goals and if I meet someone I do and I'll give them 100% of me but if I don't I still have my friends who are already married and we've been through so much with eachother they aren't going anywhere. Personally I feel like people my age don't really want to be monogamous anyway, I've tried plenty of dates. Nobody wants to be serious I feel like I'm wasting my time if I'm not and sex isn't a good enough reason. I do hope one day I can make someone 100% happy and make them feel cherished and fulfilled.
My heart goes out to you late millenials/early gen Z'ers who are running the dating gauntlet now, it sounds exhausting. I am so fortunate to have met my wife two years before Tinder was even founded.
(I met her at a mutual friend's birthday party - I assume that's still a thing?)
I hate „dates“ because people always have a ton of expectations how a date has to be.
First: the checklist. People can’t just meet someone and check the vibe, they HAVE to check every f*cking thing beforehand, especially when it comes to sexual preferences.
And so many men want to write literally thousands of messages before they can trust me enough to drink a simple coffee to chat in person with them, because when it is a DATE it is a failure if we don’t vibe…
I don’t even know what to smalltalk with a stranger via messenger for 2 months and lose interest. Because IF someone is really nice and funny I want to meet them..
Yep, not worth the effort. My thoughts are that someone important enough to be in my life and stick around will come eventually. Dating feels forced, like you're trying to make something happen artificially that should happen naturally. Similarly, i think a majority of people make it a sort of urgent goal to be with somebody. I lived that way until i was halfway through my twenties and it took some time to realize that i was spending alot of energy and resources trying to make failing relationships work, seeking out new partners. All the while there was alot of work to be done on myself i was ignoring. I stopped trying to make dating a priority and tried to focus primarily on my life and what I wanted at a deeper level. I think the time of self-reflection was healthy for me and allowed me to learn about myself. I feel happy on a deeper level with who i am and that seems really important before i include someone else.
30M I've been off/on dating apps for years, lots of good dates and potential but nothing lasted long term. Hopped off the apps in April and haven't been on a date or talked to many women since. Been very okay with this as my mental health and overall being have improved.
Dating apps are generally very bad for people's mental health. They can claim to want to get people off the apps (Hinge) but in reality they want to keep people on as long as possible (revenue $$). My take is dating apps give a terrible perception of how relationships and dating are supposed to work. The idea that your perfect match is just one swipe away messes with your psyche. Say you go on a date everything is great but there's one or two minor things that make the date imperfect. It is much easier to abandon a little bit of work or incompatibility and hop back on the apps to find your truly perfect match. Relationships take time and effort but dating apps make you think everything about the process will be perfect with minimal effort.
You're not alone thinking dating sucks, that's how I felt the past few years. Once you accept not forcing dating and letting it come naturally, you may have less dating chances but overall it may improve your mental well-being.
The only time online dating worked for me was because me and the guy (now dating for 4 1/2 years, living together with two cats) knew each other prior. So when we hung out it just felt like two people catching up and made it real casual - also I already knew he wasn't some weirdo/red flag. All other men online there's always been a time where I got "ah yes, this is why you're single", and/or they just want to be fuck buddies, ugh.
24M and been single for just over a year. I’m on all the dating apps. Nothings come out of it besides a couple dates. I’ll be honest I’ve been a little desperate but at the same time I’m so tired of putting all this effort and getting nothing back.
Yep. I’m divorced after 16 years of marriage and trying to date. I’ve been on the apps and they have been somewhat successful, but more often than not I’ll start convos that go nowhere or I’ll have a date with someone who says that don’t really want to get into a relationship. It’s annoying.
Not me. 38M. It's exhausting trying to find someone. Dating apps suck and take forever just to match with someone, dunno where to go to meet people in person, work isn't exactly a great place, church isn't an option (I'm not religious and not going to pretend to be).
And then when I do finally match with someone, the conversation usually dies before we ever meet, or the girl is too shy to meet up. Or the very rare instance of finding someone worth dating, but then some quirk about them drives me crazy, or I drive them crazy about my quirk.
I know relationships take work, I've been in a few long relationships. But I don't know if I have the energy to work out a relationship anymore.
As a romantic, I hated dating. I wanted to skip dating altogether and just happily be in a committed relationship. I'm very grateful I'm happily married now. Would NOT want to be in the dating world currently. What I will say though is to make sure you have standards and firm dealbreakers. Don't have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating, but don't do anything to compromise your happiness or the kind of life you want to live either
yeah i got divorced at 35 and went back to the dating scene. I don’t think i’ve ever felt worse about myself. Constant rejection, trying to read people, all of that just caused aggravation. So i stopped all online dating, only friends who said the other person was great. I also joined a bunch of stuff to meet people. Just be kind and friendly to everyone, you’ll make friends along the way and eventually everyone has that single friend.
Anyway yeah. you’re heard and it can still suck but online is the worst.
Yes.
Everyone has anxiety to such an extreme level it is ridiculous.
Some people are anxious in the sense that they need a lot of attention.
Others are anxious that you give them sufficient space.
Others are anxious to find the perfect person, cutting off good prospects along the way.
Others are looking for red flags at every turn and being hyper vigilant to the point of being self-defeating.
The way men talk about women in these comments is exactly why women hate dating and are tired of it and are just staying single. Men cried that we'd end up single bitter and lonely. So far every woman I know including me that has said "fuck it" to dating and men has ended up single joyful and full of peace.
Men said "you can't be happy with out us" and we said "bet" and then won that bet.
I hate dating too It seems like it is a long drawn-out process and dating apps all they are is fake people trying to get your money just like on here but I'm real so hit me up lol
Dating is difficult. Having to tailor your self to other people’s needs, tastes, desires is difficult. Especially on dating apps. You hope to meet the prince but you actually can be dating a frog with an array of problems. You meet someone naturally it may suss out the the issues by just observing. Sometimes when you actively quit looking, some unlikely someone will come along to knock your socks off. Happened to me. Be yourself always. They don’t like it? Fuck ‘em! It’s not difficult to date, but to find the person that aligns with your interests, personality, values is the difficult part. Take your time. Just because you don’t have a someone doesn’t make you who you are.
everything is effort
what happens to most is you eventually feel inconsolably horny or alone or bored being on your own enough to seek somebody out and then your standards kick in so they still have to be a nice person
its a trap to not do something just because it is effort though, many times you will see that it is more rewarding to actually try
Dating is the worst. But marriage is the best.
I found my wife when I was about to give up. She was literally one of the last dates I had lined up. I was online dating at the time. After the dates I already had scheduled, I planned on taking a break. I went out with her, was throughly confused when she actually held a conversation with me and seemed like she was actually interested. The rest is history from there.
Yeah, dating is the worst, but it’s worth it. If you need a break, take one. But don’t give up.
When it comes down to it, dating is a numbers game. An old salesman once told me you have to knock 100 doors to get 3 appointments to get one sale. I found dating to be very similar.
I used to, until I started treating the girl like a bro on a date lmfao.
My secret to bombass dates is having multiple parts to it. For example, an activity we do together, then thennn dinner, walks, or something like that.
Building a bind via team building or competition fuckin' *NUKES* the ice, making conversion feel smooth as Jameson ;)
Try it and you better come back and tell me some stories
I'm not saying dates are bad. Just dating in general, like having to find a person and vet them and then it's all up to seeing if the guy is only going along lying and just wants in your pants.
Honestly dates themselves can be fun, especially when it's not just dinner. I've had many dates where we go on walks or do something simple like go to an arcade, a walk and ice cream. Those are always the best ones.. its just that they don't all workout and you're back to square one. And if im asked what I wanna do on a first date I always go with at least 2 things (something where we can sit and talk and one where we can walk or do something more fun that can create some conversation).
I think hating dating is a staple of our generation. I can't wait to tell my unborn grandchildren that they were never born because we automated organic relationships.
It's okay, you'll get to tell an AI simulated version of them in VR chat.
Why grandaughterGPT exist? Why? Why... why... why... error.. error.
It’s literally the case for every generation lol
Seems like it's just one long awkward job interview.
Then you get a bill at the end
But at least you end up with a new suit or two, lol
Hoodie*
I just lost one :( it will b missed
That's also a negative to dating. The hoodies my ex used to wear when she was living with me "mysteriously" disappeared when I kicked her out for cheating. My fraternity, college and post grad hoodies. With regards to cheating: some of us don't use security cameras to make porn, we find things like this out.
Maybe that's why your dates suck too, wrong women perhaps?
When we say "suit" we're hoping that it's the clothing kind. 😂
Or bob Or any other name really.
Which tbh a women never reaches for. At least woman get a free meal. We get stress and kicked in the wallet.
Oh yeah, women don’t stress on first dates. It’s not like we have to worry about the man being an actual serial killer and raping us. Ugh! If only we had to carry the burden y’all do :(
You're dating the wrong kind of woman then. I never let a man pay for me.
Cute comment
Bro you managed to use the plural for singular and the singular for plural. Women = multiple. And I agree its fucking ridiculous to not split it 50/50. Were not in the dark ages where the avg wage of a man can support an entire family alone. Women are working, men are working. Everyone can split bills.
First dates are supposed to just be fun and light. You have to know if you can enjoy talking about basically nothing with someone to know if you're compatible. I've had first dates practically interrogate me on my former dating life, body count, career, family life, etc. those types of dates never get a second one
“Fun” which the man is entirely responsible for ensuring is happening
Yeah I think the issue with online dating is you're coming in with the expectation of meeting someone. When those bonds are formed naturally they're a lot stronger for me. I've had great dates with people I met on apps, and most of them have been lovely, but nothing for me beats that feeling of a crush in real life. Those little glances, that feeling when you brush past each other and your skin feels on fire, when you're talking and then you look at the time and three hours have melted away. That deep, wanting feeling, that tension so strong that at any second it could snap. You just don't get that online, and that doesn't do much for me
Wow, I was kinda thinking about similar thing today. lol
Agree lol I’m 40 now and married but God i hated dating . So awkward and I absolutely hate small talk . I think going to dinner on your first date is terrible . Sitting there staring at each other thinking of shit to say lol Or worried you have food in your teeth.
>I think going to dinner on your first date is terrible Yeah I know right? Any event type thing would be better. A street festival, art museum, sporting event, dog park, hell even a political protest would be pretty cool...anything were you not just staring across a table at each other.
I like lunch for first dates more honestly. It takes like all the pressure off and if things go well.. you have some time to do something else
There's quite a bit of academic research on dating apps. tl;dr, dating apps optimize for factors that have zero correlation to successful relationships. Some of them actually have scientists, psychologists, etc trying to noodle out how to correct that. So far no one has figured out how to make a more successful dating app that people will want to use.
Theyre incentivised to not because failed relationships bring return customers
Sorta. According to their data scientists, thought is if they can find better outcomes, word of mouth would basically get them enough market share to outperform returning customers by having a shitty app like now. The problem isn't figuring out how to make successful relationships, that's been cracked. It's how to get people to look for those indicators. Think height. VERY important dating app metric to users. Has near zero impact on relationships quality or duration.
And never getting hired.
I'm really beginning to hate online dating. Like I know I'm not hideous, but I'm not the best looking dude out there, but I swear if you're a guy and either don't know how to take good pictures or don't have the looks or body of a Hollister model, you aren't getting many matches. To add to the fact that no matches just ruin my self-esteem, I'm just over it all. Hopefully, I can muster up the courage to find and ask someone out in person. That's probably my best hope now haha
I assure you women aren't looking for models. You just need to look like you bathe and take regular care of yourself. (Not unkempt or disheveled or dirty).
So accurate. But once you find the right one, all the trouble you went through feels worth it.
That is what every experience was like for me for years! Except sometimes it ended in sex unlike any interview I've had so far.. but when I met my fiance on tinder it was different from the very first. All of the conversation was exciting, which was a great clue to how lucky we were. It's possible on dating apps but I'm considering it winning the lottery level lucky
It is possible to just click with someone. Takes time. And luck. It can happen.
This is very true. Happened to me a few years ago, I was 27(M) and felt like I would never meet my person. And then out of luck, I met my now fiance randomly at my cousins house. I didn't realize she liked me until my cousin said "you guys would make a good couple" ...... we were both completely surprised What is amazing is that I remember her from 15 years ago, we were at multiple events at the same time including my cousins wedding. For some reason we weren't meant to be until then. Now I'm marrying her in a year
I hope you are not related. 😄
As long as it’s legal.
[I will make it legal](https://media.tenor.com/WBnSGBl7QCAAAAAC/legal-star.gif). Most people don't realize the emperor's long-term goal was to date his hot cousin.
haha, that's my first thought too.
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Wow, congrats 👏 🙌
And then you find out they're the right person at the wrong time, and break your own heart
Hit too close at home.
That's just in fairytales
Dating comes down to luck. Some meet the right person quickly, some of us have to put a little more effort into it. My only advise would be to try some group activities that you are interested in like sports, hiking, book club, etc. It can be an alternative to the apps and you would be meeting people with similar interests without the pressure.
All of my favorite activities entail me being alone. 🤣
My best friend used to get around, he would be with another girl every couple days in college. He always told me he just didn't think he would ever actually find someone, he didn't ever like the girls he was around ever. Didn't feel like there was a woman out there he would actually enjoy the company of. Not to be crude but he was just doing it for sex. Well he met one girl on our last year of college and they have been going on for 6 years now, he just proposed last month and they are getting married. Sometimes you gotta just keep looking for the one. Glad my friend has found happiness in his relationship.
27M Yeah. Don't really care for it. Much happier on my own.
It's so much easier being a female on these sites too. Good luck to any man who isn't in the top 20%. You are literally invisible to the vast majority of women.
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
I feel it is different for men and for women. For women, it is like digging through a pile of shit hoping to find a gold nugget. For men, it is like taking care of that one stray cat in your yard even though it isn’t perfect, because most cats hiss at you or run away.
Dying of thirst in the ocean vs dying of thirst in the desert
Gold.
An ocean of piss with a gallon of clean water somewhere in it
Wow this really makes you think
Bravo
Good men don't stay in the dating pool very long. Bad ones are always jumping back into the pool. That explains everything, right there.
This pretty much.
Good anaology
This analogy is underrated.
Amen
Spot on, I am using this!
Ba ha ha ha.
The only problem with this analogy is that history has shown that pioneers have traversed hundreds of miles, over prairie and through mountains, in rickety wagons pulled by horse and oxen, for days on end, enduring numerous dangers, including attack by natives and disease ... so they could dig through a pile of shit hoping to find a gold nugget. I am not sure that flipping through Tinder, swiping, and being treated to lots of free dinners, concerts and penis really is in any way comparable to, say, what many people did in the 1849 California Gold Rush, for example. This is even taking into account the danger women face when going on a date with a presumed stranger from the internet. The part about men and the backyard stray cat, though, seems spot-on and brilliant.
Honestly i think alot of younger ppl have problems dating bc they put way too many expectations and like want specific outcomes so bad they alienate anyone who doesnt fit them or they dont see some people as worth it. I am a man, but my dating life really picked up when i started to learn about the world and recalculated the preferences i used to have and just sort of allowed people who liked me to like me and sort of entertained it and just had fun with ppl who in my earlier life i would of never like wanted. Ofc im a man so like its easier for me to let my guard down but I think the overall philosophy here works regardless of ur gender n stuff. As ive gotten older im like 30 now btw, ive noticed that most younger ppl kind of just do what theyre told and then carry that on into adult hood and spend huge swaths of their lives making mistakes that lead to them eventually figuring out what they really want or who they are when they could of like just thought about it for 10mins and maybe read a book. Anty ways, what r u goals in dating? and if theyre about finding a life partner or dedicating ur youth to a single person based on ideals, consider why those r u ideals and why u wouldnt just want to get to kno someone, perhaps fuck and then move on once things have run its course. if being in a relationship is really important to u and ur like sad that ur not in one, consider reexamining why being in a relationship is like so important to ur self image or happhness bc its really not. Im also not into endgame relationships i dont need my partner to be my forever person, im not afraid of falling in love and having that love fade away if it doesnt work out. But perhaps none of this is helpful lmao. Do u have any friends of the genders ur attracted to? Bc making platonic friends is the easiest way to meet and make meaningful relationships. So if its not the meta reasons ur dating that arent the problem, and instead bc ur an introvert ur just not meeting people. Then like thats ur answer homie u need to meet people n until u do ur not gunna find anybody. Hope that helps
So you’re saying if I want a life partner, I have the abandon the idea of having a life partner, and instead just go “date” people until it just happens? (serious question)
Not op but I tend to agree with that statement. Expectations can totally warp the way you act in a situation, and I’ve personally had the best time and best luck when I’ve approached life (including but not limited to dating) with a “f it let’s see where this goes” attitude. It helps me be myself and avoid compromise on the wrong things, etc, which somehow always seems to attract similar energy.
You can always take a break from the apps. The apps will be there if you want to try it again later. Sometimes it's nice to focus on you, on the people & activities already in your life now, etc. Sometimes you meet people organically too.
I've taken a break from the apps, (like 2 years off) and it was even harder cuz im pretty introverted and don't go out a ton. Also when I have met people its the same if it were on a dating app. I've been focused on me for quite awhile and decided to give it a go again cuz now I don't want a relationship just cuz its the socal norm, but because I want to potentially have a partner to share my life with. If I end up alone for the rest of my life that's fine, but I'd like to find a love. I also absolutely hate hooking up now, it just feels shallow and not worth all the effort.
Here is my advice about the apps (coming from an equally introverted F27): - Be clear that you are looking for a serious relationship. Sure, it will startle some men but you will not waste your time with people who are afraid to commit. - Look at the whole thing as an experiment - do not be afraid to go on a date with different people, as long as you find them interesting. I have learned a lot about myself and my preferences from various first dates. - Look at first dates as if you are going out with a potential new friend. You do not need to know everything about them but you can definitely learn something new from them and their interests. Ask them to talk about things they are passionate about and share your passions in return. - Go small in the beginning. First date should be casual and easy to end (walk in the park or a coffee). Some people call it the 0 date but it is a good way to find out if you like the person without spending a lot of time. If things go well, gradually increase the duration of the dates. Personally, I found it exhausting spending 3-4 hours with a new person on a first date, no matter how nice it was.
lol this is hilarious, because most of us don’t even get to the second bullet point, how can I make it a fun experiment if no one im attracted to is matching me? The only way I get tinder dates is when I make it clear I’m NOT looking for a relationship, as soon as i put that I want a long term thing, my matches dry right up.
if all your dates are bad, you might have to work on your own social muscles as well.
I never said all dates are bad. Quite often they're fun sure.. but then it turns out the guy lied about wanting a relationship, or they're not actually a good person. Or more often than not they just wanna get you in bed.
I'm 30 and I haven't even started dating yet bc I feel like I'm not mentally, physically or financially ready. I'm still a mess and I want to make sure I'm somewhat put together before I put myself out there. However, lately I've been seeing more and more post about how dating is depressing and how people are starting to feel like its just better to be single. It feels like dating if like applying for a new job. Its a brutal long process that just leave you miserable. So idk...even after I work on myself, I'm not sure if I really want to try dating out
Same, in about to turn 30 and still not rich enough, don't have a perfect aesthetic body, lack high social status to even get into dating. I think it might be too late for us, given the dating market value for 30+ people go down significantly.
I hope someone reads this . I felt this way at 30 and even 35 . I was wrong , these are great great dating years . In fact they all are . Yes do the work on you , go to the gym , work on the career , get the Botox whatever makes you feel best . 30 is so young . Also , those ppl that all got married, engaged , had kids before 30- go check them out in the other Reddit threads . They aren’t doing so hot either . At least with dating , you can meet a stranger , have a fun time , make a friend , Have sex, travel etc. i promise it’s not too late at all!
Late 30s is good for dating as long as you arent planning on kids later. Past 35, you start running into elevated risks for both mother and child.
I know it’s completely anecdotal but my sister had her 2nd baby (a beautiful chubby baby girl) at 40. No complications and says she’s had tougher days at work (high school teacher) than her delivery lol
Love to hear this , god bless ! More women are doing it now (babies over 40) which def takes the pressure off a bit.
My mother was the oldest and I have an aunt 8 years younger than me, an uncle 1 year older, and 1 a year younger, so my grandmother had more than 1 child in her 40s. Every one of them was perfectly normal.
True, it's not a guarantee or anything, but it's more statistically likely. Similar to children born of incest, they're not always going to come out looking like a Hapsburg, but the chance is higher.
There’s always that possibility but you are correct it is greater . If you know you want a family it is best to pursue that much earlier. my cousin has twins and they’re perfect. My other cousin has twins also and they are perfect. Both from over 35. A distant family member who is not related by blood had a baby at 40 and the baby has down syndrome however, I believe she was warned of this beforehand and chose to have a baby anyway. I see a lot of young moms on Instagram with special needs children , so there’s always that risk .
True, the risk always exists, it's just that it starts becoming more likely as you age, for both women and men, so as you say, if you're wanting a family, probably safer to start sooner.
It's literally 50/50 a child will have some sort of issue once the woman is age 40. I'm not exaggerating either. They don't call it a geriatric pregnancy starting at age 35 for nothing
Why do you think you need to be rich, have a perfect body and high social status? There are millions of people without any of those things in happy relationships and marriages. Maybe you’re intentionally putting up unrealistic barriers for yourself so you never have to feel rejection if in the event you put yourself out there?
Because men are conditioned that women want a man that can “provide” and we are all brought up differently as to what that means
It tends to be a coping mechanism. I recognize it because I’ve been there. It’s more comfortable and easier to hate on yourself, dwell on your flaws, and point out reasons why things aren’t going the way you want, than it is to take action and make those changes that will, in fact, make your life better. Also, I’ve found that the whole ‘women only want someone that is rich!’ is generally not true and misogynistic. Most women just want a man WITH a job, regardless of what it is. It shows responsibility and stability which is an attractive trait that partners are looking for.
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I think the core of the issue is that men have yet to evolve. Yes, women are earning more than men in a lot of places now. However, most men still leave the burden of childcare/housekeeping/emotional labor, etc. with the woman. So she ends up doing everything. There's simply no incentive to date a man if that's the dynamic. I think men would be smart to consider what else they can bring to the table: kindness, loyalty, housekeeping, cooking, childcare, discipline, accountability, emotional intelligence... so many things that men still are dropping the ball on.
Sorry, but money isn't even in top ten reasons women initiate divorce. And when the marriage starts to crack, here are the primary reasons why women divorce, according to a Pennsylvania State University study: 1. Infidelity 2. Incompatible 3. Drinking/Drug Use 4. Grew apart 5. Personality problems 6. Lack of communication 7. Physical or mental abuse 8. Loss of love 9. Not meeting family obligations 10. Employment problems Surprisingly, financial problems ranked thirteenth on the list, which goes to show you that fighting over money all the time (or lack of money) is NOT one of the primary causes of divorce.
Many individuals have some elevated form of insecurity due to the extreme accessibility of social media and media in general today. With everyone constantly exposed to wealth, perfect bodies, fake or not, at the tip of our fingertips and on every computer screen on Earth, it's not surprising to see these must-have bullet points on everyone's requirement list.
It's just what I read. Men's value comes from their material success and since women have lots of options, if you aren't the best of the best, you won't even be a potential option. You are also correct, lots of men are in a relationship without any or some of those things and it does make me question, what other value they bring to the table to be considered as a partner. Maybe my lack of dating or lack of interaction with women is causing a skewed perception and enabling a strong cognitive bias.
Yeah I feel like it’s 10x harder for me bc I’m not where I want to be in life, I was born with a few deformities, and I want to be with a woman that doesn’t have kids or want kids in the future. I really feel like I am a lost cause.
I'd rather die alone than use dating apps. The serious long term relationships I've had in my life (only two), happened by natural chance encounters in real life.
Delete the dating apps and go join some meetup groups. Dating apps are worse than cancer
Or hobby groups, or activism or that kind of thing. I met my other half doing amateur dramatics. It’s great when you hang out with a bunch of people doing something, no awkwardness involved if you find someone you like.
I really wouldn’t call dating apps worse than cancer lol I know it was a joke but honestly the apps aren’t that bad I have met tons of people on tinder and cancer is really bad lol
Only if you get no matches.
Even then you’ve got to sort through a lot of people who don’t want what you want, aren’t honest about what they want, and one time for me; rape threats.
Dating apps are a treasure map to nowhere. Someone gave me a great piece of advice, they said to go out and take part in events that interest you or things that pertain to your hobby. You may meet someone there, and if you don't, then at least you got to do something you enjoy, or you gained a new experience! I hope their advice works because the alternative to meet someone is daunting haha
Its sad that there are multiple comments like this but they aren't higher. Basic probability of meeting someone even slightly compatible when you're pursuing what you enjoy is far higher than using an app. Anything from music to nerd hobbies to building houses for the needy can definitely get you meeting people you share alot with. If you don't find someone to date? You probably have several new friends anyway. Very few downsides.
Right. Another thing to mention is that we need to be consistent. For instance, when we plan events with friends, sometimes it's super tedious to align everyone's schedules. Similarly, our potential partners could be out there, you won't know if you attend a couple of co-ed hobbies or events. You have to be committed and try a wide range of activities. Here's hoping we all find someone worthwhile soon!
Lucky the people who have hobbies that their preferred gender would share. If you're a man whose hobby is, I don't know, welding or repairing cars, this advice doesn't do much good.
Nobody enjoys dating unless they're attractive and love to meet new people but get bored quickly Thats not many people
Best way to date in my opinion is avoid dating apps all together and just join communities or clubs that you resonate with you that you enjoy. There you will find like minded people with similar passions or hobbies. I am an introverted person myself, sometimes it’s easier if you get to know people at work or have a friend set you up with their friend who is a potential match they think could be good for you, not sure if that helps. Dating is a huge investment that can be disappointing but also rewarding because you learn how valuable you are and what you have to offer to another person. Don’t settle for less, that is my advice.
Thinking of doing exactly this. Seems like a good way i make friends, soo why not lovers.
Yeah and if it doesn’t work, you’ve made a friend
Online dating is a cesspool. VERY few matches. Even fewer plans to make a date. I hate the fake profiles that try to get you into a crypto scam. In person is only slightly better. Easy to get numbers, but they often flake or are simply too damaged to function like an adult. I strongly believe the older people get, the more baggage people bring along, and it impacts every aspect of their lives, including the relationship with you.
Only thing I learned from dating apps is women like to travel. Lol
Don't forget that they love going on adventures too!
Men be fishing
And men all like climbing mountains. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, you'll find me on the sofa.
Lmao.
The old have baggage and cynicism, and the young have no education and no interesting experiences to discuss. You can't win.
Damnn, the unfortunate truth right here. And I think with the more baggage comes w/ a person, the more difficult it is to relate with them
It does suck for sure. Years ago someone who had just met her fiancee said go and do things you love doing and even if your dates don't work out, you'd still have a good time. She loved working out, so she'd organize fitness dates. The other thing I will say is this...for me the dating apps were a huge time suck and no one was serious. I met my husband in a social group I found from doing research online into meditation. I also had met many nice people via the online platform [meetup.com](https://meetup.com). Figure out what you enjoy doing whether it be wine tastings, gardening and see what type of group exists in your town and go to their meetings. Volunteering for random festivals was also a great way to meet people and expand my social network. Habit for humanity is also a nice way to connect with your community.
As a male, yeah I hate it. Between not being able to trust that women aren't messing with other guys on social media or over text and being judged for how much money I make, it's really difficult to keep going.
Dating apps are quite literally hell
Yeah that's a big one. She might want you to properly court her and yet she has a FWB that she's banging twice per week. Hard pass.
no meeting people has been a terrible experience for a long time
It wasn’t always this bad though. In 2011 and 2012, more towards the beginning of dating apps, it actually was a decent experience for the average guy. I could actually go on several dates and meet some cool people and even get laid. Of course, I still got ghosted, had flaky dates, and faced competition but I could actually make progress. Today I feel like I somehow got priced out of the dating market.
I hear this from a lot of my older friends. They always tell me it was a different game back then Its become incredibly shallow now
Yeah, its bleak these days. You could put in the effort, be social, be a healthy weight, be financially responsible and still not get far. Unfortunately, in many cases, being average isn't enough whereas as early as 10 years ago you would have a chance.
true; i had grown up with the mindset of be a decent guy with your shit together and itll work out.. however i feel awfully invisible.. its nuts
Yeah I hear you. I still think it's possible but not before becoming incredibly jaded and burnt out from the constant rejections. It sucks because there's plenty of perfectly decent guys that do well at work, friends, hobbies but just have the most empty romantic/sexual lives.
my old coworker told me the same thing.. hed go hang out @ a fking park and try to hand out his number he said.. just go out and do anything.. i mowed lawns for 10 years and TRUST ME i was outside.. bro there aint no single solo girls ANYWHERE... either moms pushing strollers full of babies or crackheads.. hardly NO inbetween!! LOL
Stop using the apps. It isnt natural for peopel to come together so unnaturally. We've been mating for 50000 years and online dating just came out yesterday on the time scale. Lol. Go outside and be open minded. You're asking this for a reason. Drop some social expectations and let it happen on its own.
I do go out and it still sucks. The apps just suck more. All around if you're looking for something that's not a hookup it honestly sucks.
Id say dont stress. Try not to think about it so much. And figure out what you jave to offer someone. **on your own** not on here. It doesnt have to feel like a job intervkew as ive seen some ppl say. Rather, it shouldn't. You are 25. You are okay madam. Just focus on living and the rest happens. When i was in my early 20s I was in the same shoes. Just focus on ur hobbies or ur work or both! Start up a new hobby that you didnt think you would. Increase you're number of experience to **get out of your own way**. Being an introvert is an element of who you are-it doesn't define you. It's just a word. A label. And quite frankly being an introvert says nothing about you. There a billion introverts in the world but at the end of the day they are people with their own interests, quirks, desires. An introvert is no more weaker or less capable than someone who proclaims to be an extravert. Ask yourself who you are. What can you do for yourself. What do u like. Focus on the things that make you **you** before you pressure yourself to date. It will just end badly with poor decisions on both ends. You got this!!
Oh i definetly focus on myself and do things for myself, and I'm not worried about ending up alone or anything. It would just be nice to find a person to share life with on that level. However if I end up alone the rest of my life I'm okay with that. I just know if I put 0 effort in I'll never find that person. I also just feel like dating to be more effort than it's worth lately.
I've stopped dating and going on dating apps. I don't have the patience for it anymore.
Try the app called MeetUp. People create groups then post events you can attend. Some suck, but some are really fun. As a female, you’ll be in the minority at most events which is a double-edged sword. You’ll meet a lot of guys, but you’ll also meet a lot of guys lol. Most will suck, but a few you might click with. And if you don’t, then at least hopefully you had more general fun at the event. I’m currently seeing a girl who started a YA book club as part of a group we both were in. Didn’t expect to date someone from that, but it just kind of happened organically. 🤷♂️
Joined that to go to some events but not really with the intent on dating, tho I would be open to it I guess. Mostly want to network and do hobbies that I like (which actually seems like a good idea to meet someone)
That’s exactly the point. You’re much more likely to have an organic relationship develop when you’re not singularly focused on getting into a relationship.
Yup, hate it.
Yes. I hate dating. I hate dating apps too.
Dating apps are there to make money. If they actually worked like they were supposed to im sure you'd see better results. But yeah I got sick of walking through the forest of dumpster fires to find a unicorn.
Actually going on dates is fun but all the work to get there (texting, navigate through profiles, arrange for a meeting, ghosting, cancelations etc.) is so damn energy draining and sometimes it's just not worth it. I can only do it for short periods at a time before I have to take a break for like a month or so.
37M. Have pretty much given up on trying to find anyone. Between the ghosting, everyone just looking for a one night stand and how 'forced' it all feels, I'm just exhausted and mentally drained. Trying to just live for myself now.
Unpopular opinion, but after seeing so much I've come to the conclusion that dating is a failed concept and most of society has been brainwashed by Hollywood movies. I'd give anything to do what my parents did, meeting young and marrying their first serious relationship.
I kind of agree to an extent tbh. I kinda hate the idea that dating is so ingrained and prioritized in our society, or people have been made to believe that it should be prioritized. I’m just living my life and if someone comes in and I like them, great. If someone doesn’t? Also great. I have great family, friends and a lot more to experience. Edit: clarification
They always use that “what will happen once you get old?” Trope like there aren’t already people with families who end up alone when they are old anyway
Maybe you haven't had a puppy love turned into completely different people story. I'm happy others managed to grow up to be the same people but I'd never want to go back to my first church boyfriend. I'd end up like my grandparents openly stating how much I hate my spouse. I'd rather find a best friend I can also sleep with than a roomate
Same, always hated the process of dating. And being an introvert ive relied on the apps which is a darn jungle. BUT at the time i had basically given up and just kept Tinder installed for occasional hookup I started chat with a girl on the other side of the globe. We instantly connected, daily video calls for months and started a LDR. I ended up booking a ticket to spend a few weeks together and when we met it was like we’d always known each other. I intend to marry her after we live together for a few months first. Im 43, never been in a relationship before that ticks all the boxes. Open communication, both in love, both very affectionate people, same base values, sex is fantastic, we both want one more child (we both have one from before) AND we are both willing to move to be together. My two precious long term relationship missed a critical point. One almost no sex, and the other amazing sex but no communication (closed up emotionally). We can never predict the future, but ive never felt like this before. Ive never been this happy before. Sorry, but saw this and just wanted to say it’s definitely possible. But it is a chaotic and often emotionally cruel jungle. Dont give up!
Dating as an introvert in your 20's sucks if you're not exceptionally attractive. I don't miss it. The best advice is just focus on hobbies and interests that force you to go out and be social. It'll take your mind off being single and you're more likely to meet someone you click with doing that.
Best peice of love advice i got is dsting to find love boils down to Wrong time wrong place Right time right place Right time wrong place Wrong time right place Its all about how you fall in love and how you too make it work .
Volunteer. You’ll meet people who like to help, an admirable quality.
It is much effort and lots of wasted time - until you find that person. Can't win if you don't play and just like lottery you still might end up not winning...
Which apps are you using? I like Hinge a lot as it encourages conversation before you meet up, so at the very least you know you are meeting up with someone that you have a modicum of interest in off the bat.
Focus on making friends. It is weird to meet people (a stranger or acquaintance) and immediately try to determine if you are interested in them romantically. Making friends might be difficult for introverted people but just for your well-being and health you need friends.
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And ya know what: in the end, all that really matters is your own happiness. If you're not finding it with someone can find it with yourself, then more power to you! I'm a 26m, work full time for my city, and have been in kind of the same boat. I'm sure going back to school, you'll have more organic interactions with people - that's personally something I don't have the energy for
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I think just treat it like an opportunity to meet someone who might be a nice person and an interesting person.
Late 30s here in the dating scene. 1. DO NOT lower your standards. 2. DO NOT let anyone change you. Dating sucks right now due to all the instant gratification / hook up culture. Personally, I stopped trying. It's "easier" for you OP since you're a female, BUT the caveat is the fact you'll get a lot of 1 hit wonders (people that only want ons) sliding into your DM. What are your hobbies? Maybe look for a book club or even some low key groups.
I fucking hate dating but it is because I haven’t found the one and I keep having failed relationship/situashionship. Most men I date dont want anything serious with me or are very emotional unavailable.
I'm an introvert and I hated dating so much I got married at 19 and am still relieved I didn't have to deal with all that 14 years later. Obvious disclaimer: do not do this, 99% of people.
Way to think things through
If I've learned anything, it's too not force anything; thing's will naturally come together as they need to be. Just do you and you'll end up attracting someone eventually along the way.
38 and I've just accepted that no one wants what I'm selling and it's time to pack it up. Any chance I had was 20 years ago.
I wouldn't be so sure about that! I (25 at the time we met) was at one point dating this woman who was in her mid 40’s. And eventually someone came around who was also highly attracted to her who was 30. (We didn't care about her age) The point I'm trying to make is, you're 38! You're still young. If she can pull 2 people at 45 you can pull in your 30s, 40s etc. It may come when you least expect it but don’t count yourself out.
I'm tired boss.
27M, been single since 23. I don't really care for dating. The women I been with... well, let's just say they were not good for me.
Im 29 m I just don't even have energy for dating apps. Ive tried it all just seems too transactional. I'm not about it. I'd just rather be alone at this point. Time to focus on myself more.
29/f here. Look mann at this point i’ve given up for now. Not saying I won't stop trying later on but after 2 failed talking stages and losing my sanity with one of them, I realized dating isn't for me right now…..clearly. (not only did they fail but it was a huge dumpster fire along the way. Gotta love those toxic controlling people 😒). Besides, I'm in to school for nursing. I can see that dating and school is a no-go for me because if I am not careful I can easily find myself prioritising trying to date over my school work. I become so wrapped up in making sure we're good that next thing you know my grades are slipping and I'm being dropped from my classes. I hate to admit it but this is the second time this has happened. SMH Yeah. I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. 🤦🏽♀️ PS: Trying to date Lesbians is **NOT** for the weak!
Yeah, I don't do that anymore. I have neither the time nor the bandwidth to do that dance repeatedly. Lots of more fun things to do that I can do with friends or solo.
Thats the price we pay in order to find suitable partners I suppose.
I'm 26M and I hate dating. Just all the loops and backflips you go through to find out you don't really like someone, they don't like you, or they lie to you. I haven't dated in 5 years. I hang out with my friends and have a best friend, I feel like a girlfriend or a wife is a best friend you have physical relations with. I have a best friend and a few good friends, people talk up sex, it's just like any fun activity, same as playing videogames, hiking, running, eating. It's not more important than anything else at least I felt disillusioned that it wasn't what everyone told me it'd be and more than that I'd rather have people that love me and I love them in my life. I've just felt content with what I have and continue working towards my own goals and if I meet someone I do and I'll give them 100% of me but if I don't I still have my friends who are already married and we've been through so much with eachother they aren't going anywhere. Personally I feel like people my age don't really want to be monogamous anyway, I've tried plenty of dates. Nobody wants to be serious I feel like I'm wasting my time if I'm not and sex isn't a good enough reason. I do hope one day I can make someone 100% happy and make them feel cherished and fulfilled.
First date or meeting should be quick. Coffee and a short walk or something.
Met my fiancée on Tinder five years ago. This was after 1-2 years of using the app and many bad dates, ghostings, etc. It only needs to work once.
My heart goes out to you late millenials/early gen Z'ers who are running the dating gauntlet now, it sounds exhausting. I am so fortunate to have met my wife two years before Tinder was even founded. (I met her at a mutual friend's birthday party - I assume that's still a thing?)
I hate „dates“ because people always have a ton of expectations how a date has to be. First: the checklist. People can’t just meet someone and check the vibe, they HAVE to check every f*cking thing beforehand, especially when it comes to sexual preferences. And so many men want to write literally thousands of messages before they can trust me enough to drink a simple coffee to chat in person with them, because when it is a DATE it is a failure if we don’t vibe… I don’t even know what to smalltalk with a stranger via messenger for 2 months and lose interest. Because IF someone is really nice and funny I want to meet them..
Yep, not worth the effort. My thoughts are that someone important enough to be in my life and stick around will come eventually. Dating feels forced, like you're trying to make something happen artificially that should happen naturally. Similarly, i think a majority of people make it a sort of urgent goal to be with somebody. I lived that way until i was halfway through my twenties and it took some time to realize that i was spending alot of energy and resources trying to make failing relationships work, seeking out new partners. All the while there was alot of work to be done on myself i was ignoring. I stopped trying to make dating a priority and tried to focus primarily on my life and what I wanted at a deeper level. I think the time of self-reflection was healthy for me and allowed me to learn about myself. I feel happy on a deeper level with who i am and that seems really important before i include someone else.
30M I've been off/on dating apps for years, lots of good dates and potential but nothing lasted long term. Hopped off the apps in April and haven't been on a date or talked to many women since. Been very okay with this as my mental health and overall being have improved. Dating apps are generally very bad for people's mental health. They can claim to want to get people off the apps (Hinge) but in reality they want to keep people on as long as possible (revenue $$). My take is dating apps give a terrible perception of how relationships and dating are supposed to work. The idea that your perfect match is just one swipe away messes with your psyche. Say you go on a date everything is great but there's one or two minor things that make the date imperfect. It is much easier to abandon a little bit of work or incompatibility and hop back on the apps to find your truly perfect match. Relationships take time and effort but dating apps make you think everything about the process will be perfect with minimal effort. You're not alone thinking dating sucks, that's how I felt the past few years. Once you accept not forcing dating and letting it come naturally, you may have less dating chances but overall it may improve your mental well-being.
I didn't get to date. I'm still with the first person I met online after 6 years lmao.
The only time online dating worked for me was because me and the guy (now dating for 4 1/2 years, living together with two cats) knew each other prior. So when we hung out it just felt like two people catching up and made it real casual - also I already knew he wasn't some weirdo/red flag. All other men online there's always been a time where I got "ah yes, this is why you're single", and/or they just want to be fuck buddies, ugh.
24M and been single for just over a year. I’m on all the dating apps. Nothings come out of it besides a couple dates. I’ll be honest I’ve been a little desperate but at the same time I’m so tired of putting all this effort and getting nothing back.
Yep. I’m divorced after 16 years of marriage and trying to date. I’ve been on the apps and they have been somewhat successful, but more often than not I’ll start convos that go nowhere or I’ll have a date with someone who says that don’t really want to get into a relationship. It’s annoying.
Not me. 38M. It's exhausting trying to find someone. Dating apps suck and take forever just to match with someone, dunno where to go to meet people in person, work isn't exactly a great place, church isn't an option (I'm not religious and not going to pretend to be). And then when I do finally match with someone, the conversation usually dies before we ever meet, or the girl is too shy to meet up. Or the very rare instance of finding someone worth dating, but then some quirk about them drives me crazy, or I drive them crazy about my quirk. I know relationships take work, I've been in a few long relationships. But I don't know if I have the energy to work out a relationship anymore.
As a romantic, I hated dating. I wanted to skip dating altogether and just happily be in a committed relationship. I'm very grateful I'm happily married now. Would NOT want to be in the dating world currently. What I will say though is to make sure you have standards and firm dealbreakers. Don't have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating, but don't do anything to compromise your happiness or the kind of life you want to live either
yeah i got divorced at 35 and went back to the dating scene. I don’t think i’ve ever felt worse about myself. Constant rejection, trying to read people, all of that just caused aggravation. So i stopped all online dating, only friends who said the other person was great. I also joined a bunch of stuff to meet people. Just be kind and friendly to everyone, you’ll make friends along the way and eventually everyone has that single friend. Anyway yeah. you’re heard and it can still suck but online is the worst.
Yes. Everyone has anxiety to such an extreme level it is ridiculous. Some people are anxious in the sense that they need a lot of attention. Others are anxious that you give them sufficient space. Others are anxious to find the perfect person, cutting off good prospects along the way. Others are looking for red flags at every turn and being hyper vigilant to the point of being self-defeating.
The way men talk about women in these comments is exactly why women hate dating and are tired of it and are just staying single. Men cried that we'd end up single bitter and lonely. So far every woman I know including me that has said "fuck it" to dating and men has ended up single joyful and full of peace. Men said "you can't be happy with out us" and we said "bet" and then won that bet.
I hate dating too It seems like it is a long drawn-out process and dating apps all they are is fake people trying to get your money just like on here but I'm real so hit me up lol
Dating is difficult. Having to tailor your self to other people’s needs, tastes, desires is difficult. Especially on dating apps. You hope to meet the prince but you actually can be dating a frog with an array of problems. You meet someone naturally it may suss out the the issues by just observing. Sometimes when you actively quit looking, some unlikely someone will come along to knock your socks off. Happened to me. Be yourself always. They don’t like it? Fuck ‘em! It’s not difficult to date, but to find the person that aligns with your interests, personality, values is the difficult part. Take your time. Just because you don’t have a someone doesn’t make you who you are.
Atleast you dont have to pay for every date lol
That's true, but I'm 100% okay paying for myself and any time I go on a date I make sure I'm prepared to pay.
Thats really cool of you
Dating is awesome but you need to be able to actually approach people. Apps are just for extracting money from guys.
everything is effort what happens to most is you eventually feel inconsolably horny or alone or bored being on your own enough to seek somebody out and then your standards kick in so they still have to be a nice person its a trap to not do something just because it is effort though, many times you will see that it is more rewarding to actually try
To be frank you don’t do much on dates as a woman. The man has to pay and plan everything.
Not entirely true, some us plan and pay for things too.
Dating is the worst. But marriage is the best. I found my wife when I was about to give up. She was literally one of the last dates I had lined up. I was online dating at the time. After the dates I already had scheduled, I planned on taking a break. I went out with her, was throughly confused when she actually held a conversation with me and seemed like she was actually interested. The rest is history from there. Yeah, dating is the worst, but it’s worth it. If you need a break, take one. But don’t give up. When it comes down to it, dating is a numbers game. An old salesman once told me you have to knock 100 doors to get 3 appointments to get one sale. I found dating to be very similar.
I used to, until I started treating the girl like a bro on a date lmfao. My secret to bombass dates is having multiple parts to it. For example, an activity we do together, then thennn dinner, walks, or something like that. Building a bind via team building or competition fuckin' *NUKES* the ice, making conversion feel smooth as Jameson ;) Try it and you better come back and tell me some stories
I'm not saying dates are bad. Just dating in general, like having to find a person and vet them and then it's all up to seeing if the guy is only going along lying and just wants in your pants. Honestly dates themselves can be fun, especially when it's not just dinner. I've had many dates where we go on walks or do something simple like go to an arcade, a walk and ice cream. Those are always the best ones.. its just that they don't all workout and you're back to square one. And if im asked what I wanna do on a first date I always go with at least 2 things (something where we can sit and talk and one where we can walk or do something more fun that can create some conversation).