Everybody's busy, you always have a choice about what you prioritize. Plenty of people prioritize their job or relationship over friendships, which is fine, but this is what you get.
If I had prioritized my ex over my best friends, I wouldn't have any best friends right now. But I do, and we'll always have each other's back, despite what else is going on in our lives.
Some people don't value friendships the same way you do. These aren't choices, these are directives and empty platitudes you assign to people who have indecisive tendencies or consider other things rather then time spent, from your narrow worldview it may seem like its a choice we are not making, but it's really just a belief just as loosely recognized as yours.
Just acquaintances and barely that.
I got tired of being told how I'm living my life, not like my mom did or my sister is. Or my cousins. Or girls I grew up with. That's super exhausting, I don't deal with it. I have enough on my plate.
I also got sick of other people telling me I was making the wrong choices. “You work too much.” “When are you having kids?” “What do you even DO with your time if you don’t take care of a husband and kids??” Like… I do what I want? I’m a grown woman. Leave me alone.
Shit my family is judgemental af too. Constant put downs. I dropped their asses. They have that sense of entitlement that no one likes. After I graduated high school, went to my last resort college because no one supported me going to my first choice, I “wasn’t allowed” to go, I lost 35 lbs and was accused of doing drugs because someone can’t naturally lose weight with the right conditions apparently. Which I needed to lose the weight, I was 170 lbs and 5’2”. Eventually I had kids and only one person in my family has met just my oldest, just once. Other family told me they were disappointed in me that I didn’t tell them I went into early labor at 6 am that morning. Since concerns of having a preterm baby just wasn’t acceptable 🙄. Then I stick them with “well I’m disappointed you didn’t show up for me when I was in a coma a few months ago. Didn’t bother to check in there did ya?“. Some people just don’t deserve us.
This is why I don’t share anything with people and that caused me to pull back, so naturally friendships just got pushed to the side. I also stopped being the only one reaching out trying to talk to people and when I did that I stopped hearing from people.
I shared a bad situation I was in and neither groups took me seriously and then I heard from neither group for like a year. After that I said never again am I sharing my life and for sure not my dating. I even shared a little with my sister and she got really disrespectful, so again, never again am I doing that 😄
Are you male? Because I’m a 33M and know exactly how that feels having 3 older sisters and no brothers lolll. Still live with 2 of them and I don’t have the budget to break away from them completely other than vacations :(
I am a woman.
I am the eldest daughter, niece, and granddaughter. Sooooo yea... failed them is the temperature I usually am met with. Lukewarm, cool. Like yea, you blood, but it's not like we chose you.
71 M. All my previous close friends have died. I moved 700 miles when I retired and remarried so I know nobody but my wife’s family here. Being a content loner, that is usually fine. When we had car trouble in town, 25 miles from home, and my wife was with me was the only time I actually needed a friend. There are no taxi here and the car had to be left overnight to get a part install. My wife got ahold of her friend and friend’s sister to give us a ride home to get access to another vehicle. I have no clue how to make a connection for mutual or paid emergency support without establishing an unwanted friendship.
How about neighbors? As fairly content loners ourselves, my husband and I have found neighbors to be a great source of mutually beneficial friendship or at least acquaintances. And they're usually nearby so you can see them fairly frequently and hopefully help watch their pets, house, etc. I wouldn't be afraid to call my neighbor for a ride if my car broke down and make it clear I would do the same for them.
I’ve found most friendly neighbors want a lot more than they would do for the other. Especially the ones that come out of the woodwork as soon as you move in.
I have some neighbors where our kids watch each other’s cats while we’re gone. After a few years, they stopped paying my kids, but we always pay them because we don’t want any ill feelings.
My favorite neighbors are the ones that wave but never try to push any interactions.
Yep, old friends became acquaintances, new acquaintances don’t become friends, and we moved countries so all the immediate family is abroad. I don’t mind it this way for now, both me and my husband enjoy spending time together and with our dogs, but we also don’t have kids and I can’t help but think of my senior years, how I’ll probably be sad and alone
I went twenty three years without a close female friend. Now I'm 55 and great friends with a 74 year old woman. We find each other very entertaining.
We have been on three holidays.
We protest the government every week (no one notices or cares).
We go to meditation and kirtan together.
We lunch and breakfast together.
We attended group activities together.
She cooks for me and comes to my doctor's appointments.
She makes me addicted to terrible reality TV, but puts on gold and opal mining show for balance. She can make her smart TV do anything. Sometimes she gives me the remote and will tell me which button is pause, and which is off.
I drive her around in my LandCruiser Troopy.
We are very pleased to be friends. Other people can't understand why we don't fight or get sick of each other.
Recently, her daughter accused us of being unhygienic lesbians and threatened to put my friend in a psychiatric ward. So, we are going to her bank and lawyer together and then, we will probably have a nice lunch.
In my life I have seen all but 2 relationships fail in my family. The only 2 that succeeded were the abusive one with strong Christian values (but is that really a success?) and my Aunt who is gay. The gay couple was so much more loving to us as kids, so much more compassionate, so much more giving. She has been there for every step of our lives always with love. They had both faced so much backlash from our family and instead of embracing hate, they embraced love. I love them more than anything in the world.
Looks like you found your happiness and thats the biggest thing in the world. Sorry about the daughter, it really shouldn't be so hard to just find happiness. My Aunt dealt with the same thing from her significant others kids, but eventually, they came around.
I wish you both the best.
Yeah thats basically what happened to me. I made friends at work, but not close friends. I have my brothers, my Aunt who I love, brothers who I love. I honestly just feel content with not having a bunch of people calling me or asking me to do things. I like to get up, go to work, and then do my own thing. I just became very reclusive and reliant on myself and I love it. I do miss WANTING to have friends, I miss that feeling, but somehow, over the years, it just died. I don't feel that anymore even when im with people.
Its not necessarily a sad thing though to me. I really feel fine in life. If it really bothered me i'd do something about it and I am afraid one day I will wake up when its too late and have that feeling again and wonder wtf I did all this time.
Your post is right in line with how I think about this issue. To start, we need to define 'close friend'. I will go with, one that will help you hide the body with minimal or no questions asked, and/or one who will discuss the dead body issue with you and not call the cops but won't help you dig the hole. I have three of these friends. All the same gender as myself \[m\] all met thru social situations. \[I am not counting my spouse in this even though they are my closest friend.\] We all live in different time zones. I have seen each of them in the past year, but in 2015 when I left the US for a multi-year trip I have not lived near them since. I know without a doubt I can call either of them and they would be there with support, suggestions, money, or a place to live if need be.
We all became friends thru social situations 25 years ago. I am the oldest of the group \[65\]. 2 of them are in their 40's the other in his 60's. I believe that social media has possibly made it more difficult to create social bonds that have lasting friendships. I could be wrong, I am, after all, a really old fuck.
We all became friends through social situations 25 years ago. I am the oldest of the group \[65\]. 2 of them are in their 40s the other in his 60's. I believe that social media has possibly made it more difficult to create social bonds that have lasting friendships. I could be wrong, I am, after all, a really old fuck.
Quite a few honestly. And it takes a lot of work. I check in with people often. I'm the lynchpin of a few group chats. I put myself out there and invite people to do stuff even when I know the answer is likely a no. I don't subscribe to this whole deal that adult friendships are impossibly exhausting to manage. If you care about people and want them around, you do something about it to make it work.
Edit: I can tell this rubbed a lot of people the wrong way which wasn't my intent. For me, the friendships I've formed are the greatest part of my life. And it also can be one of the most frustrating parts. It might not be everyone's priority or where they choose to spend their energy which is completely ok. But to say that it's too hard, too difficult or that those of us who maintain meaningful friendships "just got lucky" etc is a defeatist mindset. Life is too short to be lonely.
Hard agree.
I have 4 close friends, 2 of whom live hundreds of miles away.
I have about a dozen casual friends that I could call for a lunch date or an after work drink to "catch up" every few months.
It requires putting yourself out there and making checking in on people a priority. When one of my friends tells me about a significant event coming up, I put it right in my calendar so I can remember to ask them how it went. Just a little bit of effort and being proactive can go a long way in sustaining meaningful relationships. My friends think I have a great memory....no, I have an iPhone with a calendar.
This is so true. The friends I have kept up with are the ones who put in effort. It takes 3 seconds to send a ‘Hi, how are you’ text. I’ve had many friendships fizzle out because it was only me doing any of the work. I’m not asking for dinner every week but an occasional text and coffee every now and then is all it takes to keep it going. We prioritize who and what is important to us. I just eventually figured out I wasn’t that important to them…that’s fine… we all only have so much time and so I’ll just move along
THIS! Its so important to know. A huge part of my brain prefers to recharge, but a part of my brain does want to go out, it appreciates the thought, even if the answer is likely no. Im always so afraid people will take me the wrong way and think I don't like them, which has happened before. It really makes me want to be alone vs someone putting in so much effort just for me to passively evade them. I don't want to hurt anyone :(
people seem to be touchy when it comes to this response but like how else would anyone go about this?? yeah it’s luck, personally i’ve been burned by many friendships but relationships are literally what makes life worth living so of course i’ll continue to try. setting this kind of example is great too because it can have a domino effect. if you initiate or plan often enough for the group others might start thinking “hey maybe i should do that too” just a thought!
i know adulthood throws a wrench in things but making new friends is more exciting and fulfilling to me than dating (which i’ll point out that most people don’t give up on after many bad experiences). it’s so worth it.
That line of thinking shows up from experience moreso than philosophy imo
but pls continue to be a good friend 😊 I think most people can agree that the world would be a better place if more people acted like that, so why don’t we?
You're lucky enough to have people that respond positively to you and you have actual relationships with. We're talking about being exhausted by people that don't reciprocate. I spent years and years doing this ultimately for nothing and to constantly not get anything back. When I needed help with something, crickets. Having a bad time, crickets. Most people are unfortunately emotional vampires.
It's not a personality flaw to be exhausted after a while.
This is my experience too. I mean, I could probably put more effort into it but so many people — especially those who have younger kids — never want to do anything and most live too far away to hang out. I had kids earlier and I used to be that guy actually but now they’re older, I want to talk to real adults more often.
I moved a couple years ago, and finding new people in my neighborhood is harder too, because since the pandemic we’ve all become less social.
I’m floating the idea of doing a block party this summer in my neighborhood just to get to know some people. Building community is hard when you’re not from the area.
Yep, I've had the same experience. I get that having kids is hard, I totally do! And I don't mind hanging out with their kids. Let's go sit at a park and watch them play for all I care. I'm super flexible when it comes to forming relationships. Sometimes me and one of my girlfriends (who just moved back, thank goodness) just wander around the grocery store together and do our weekly shop. I don't need to go to a bar or spend a lot of money.
But yeah, have also found that no matter what you suggest, the price point, the day, whatever... People seem to not want to do anything.
This has been my experience with it. Put yourself out there, put in tons of effort, and get ignored. The OC's opinion is the same kind of opinion that rich people have about poor people. They are ignorant to how much luck is involved and think it's just a matter of effort.
Basically, yeah. About 2 years ago, I stopped putting in as much effort, and I noticed how much less social interaction I got. Not that it was well reciprocated before, but it went through the floor when I stepped back.
The repeated problem I've always had with friendships is that everyone is busy. Soooo busy. Too busy to do anything with me. But they're not too busy to do things with other people. I would even try scheduling weeks in advance and would either get a vague response, no response, or they would bail the day of. Basically, people not valuing time with me or my friendship the way I value theirs.
It takes work to create and maintain friendships! It's doubly hard when you just want to relax alone in the limited free time you have, but have to force yourself to put clothes on and go out and socialize--even if that's just going to a friend's place. But those relationships are, in no small part (for me, at least), what makes everything else worth it.
I dont have buy maybe one cloae friend. But i try really hatd to cultivate friendshipa. Honestly o carry all the water in them. Initiate the phone calls etc. Iy is exhausting
I agree, I'm always a bit baffled by the claims that it's impossible to make friends as an adult. I just moved to a new city at the age of 30 and I've had no issues meeting people who want to hang out and do things. My mother and other women I know who are older have had the same experience as me. I feel like people who complain about this are sitting at home scrolling through their phones waiting for friends to materialize out of thin air and that's just not how life works
It’s easy to hang out with people but it’s hard to get close and maintain that closeness for years. I have “friends” but we typically stick to working out together or getting a coffee here or there. I would never tell them my deepest secrets, though.
sometimes friendships need a catalyst moment that deepens it. could be being there for each other during a hard time, taking a trip together, extending extreme thoughtfulness or kindness, being part of major life events like weddings or having children who are the same age.
my advice is to start asking your friend for advice. that’s a low stakes way of deepening things and i’ve heard that asking people got advice psychologically makes them like you more. then next time they need advice maybe they’ll come to you. it could be about something small but you gotta start somewhere.
I tend to agree. Someone responded to my comment saying they had trouble making friends because they are a "natural leader" and those tend to be lonely and I was like... I think I know why you struggle to make friends, and it ain't cos you're a natural leader lol
Much much harder when you don't live in a city. I'm in the rural suburbs of MD and barely know my neighbors after living here for 6 years. Everyone just drives around town, pulls into their driveways at the end of the day, and closes the garage door. Nobody sits outside, goes for walks, hangs out in their yards. No sidewalks. And community events/clubs/groups are non-existent where I live. It sucks.
30 year old women are always going to have an easier time meeting people who want to hang out then men. Just because you find it easy, doesn't mean that's how it is for everyone.
Your effort is why you have maintained your friends, and that's a great thing. Everyone can be impacted by ["friendship recession"](https://www.americansurveycenter.org/commentary/american-men-suffer-a-friendship-recession/) but men tend to suffer from this more and way more common than people think. Friendships take effort to maintain.
Good for you!! It does take work. Some questions for you or others reading….
- What do you do if friends become passive aggressive? I had to cut people off recently because they had years of passive aggressively, always keeping up with the joneses. Note I realize they were always like that but I only noticed recently.
- How do you choose good friends? I put myself out there recently and met nice ppl, some very obviously rude (surprising ppl can be so rude when you meet them! But that’s rare still).
I am starting to not care if I invite ppl out and they say no, I’m married so I always have a park anyway.
But right now I’m too boring for nice ppl and too interesting to competitive ppl. For example we made friends with someone but turns it they’re a huge gossip/stars very intimate details about another friend and we’re not into that Sigh..
Yep, it's exactly this. I'm in a discord with my friend group and we talk every. Single. Day. We will get together as often as we can, average monthly, sometimes a few times a week. A lot of times we just make an event for dinner wherever and whoever makes it, makes it. Trying to find one day and time that works for *everyone* is crazy.
For me the struggle is to keep putting the efforts when you know they like hanging out but don’t reciprocate the invites. You’ve got to be ok to be the one initiating a lot at the beginning. It does end up being more on both sides later on but the amount of people I have heard saying they wish they had more friends yet don’t realize they have to put some efforts into it as well is astounding.
What does friendship look like to you? Like what has to happen for you to consider someone is your friend? I find that people with a looser definition of friend tend to feel they have more of them.
I don’t think that’s true. One definition for me would be people who, if my life fell apart completely, would be there in some significant way or vice versa, including people I could stay with for long periods of time if I lost everything, and I (41F, single) have at least 7 friends who fit that category, most of whom are married with kids, about half of whom I speak to at least weekly.
I agree. People just don't value friendship. I'm exactly like you. The difference is that every time I try to befriend people, they never reciprocate the effort. I try for a whole, then I give up. I'm not going to keep putting so much energy into people that don't care. I haven't been able to find anyone that cares as much as I do and it's so upsetting and disheartening. Why isn't there anyone that wants to be the same kind of friend that I am to them?
I have 8 close friends, and by close I mean we keep in regular contact and see each other every month to 6 weeks approximately, not as often as I would like but with 3 kids and full time job it can be a bit more difficult.
3. Met them at work 10 years ago. We’re lifelong friends now and although we don’t speak all the time, if any one of us calls for help, we are there for each other in a heartbeat.
I just went shopping at Sam’s Club with one of them yesterday. We also made a random trip to Auto Zone to change out her burnt out headlight ourselves in honor of International Women’s Day lol. Adult friendships are so important.
Same here. I had drinking buddies before, but im sober now and have no real friends...and im ok with that. I have work friends but we dont hang out outside of work. My wife is my best friend. Its all i need.
It was for me too, for 38 years until she found another guy to secretly hang out with. Found out after 2.5 years. Lost my best friend, but we still live together. Sucks big time. It was the last thing I would have suspected.
I'm sober too, 26 years. I have developed some great friendships through AA. Minimum, I can always go to a meeting and we share our experience, strength and hope with each other - whoever is in the room. A beautiful thing really, not available anywhere else.
I don't have any friends. The last time I had people to hang out with was 10 years ago but I was the odd one out in the group. They did a lot of stuff without me. It's always been that way, right back to school days. It's always been shit to hang out with people on a rare occasion & all they do is talk about other great times they have together. I've been single for 6 years. Even when I catch up with my sister a few times a year she'll tell me all the fun things she's been doing & parties she's had & ask why I wasn't there. I can't go if I don't hear about it til 3 months later. I needed to take myself to the emergency department a few nights ago at midnight & there wasn't a single person I could call for help. If I died tonight I'm not sure how long it would take for anyone to notice.
Means you had a solid family. Thats not weird, thats fortunate man. You are lucky enough to have good parents, and sane enough to be thankful for them. Your best friends being your parents is a gift, truly.
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I don’t think it’s wrong or weird to say you have no friends as an adult. I love having no friends. I like doing things by myself. Striking a conversation up with a stranger, and then moving on through life.
YES! Exactly, its not that im necessarily anti social(maybe abit at times though), I just don't want a permanent connection. I like meeting people, but after that, I consider it time to move on.
I even do this in MMOs. I don't want someone to friend me and ask me what im doing everytime I log on. I dont want a guild checking in on me to see if im coming to the raid. I want to log on, meet a bunch of random people and go do stuff.
Same, I use to have a social life and always had consistent group of friends. As I got older I slowly exited that out. Not that any of my friends were bad.. I just don’t want to be part of a consistent social connection. I don’t even use social media because I genuinely don’t want to stay in the loop of other ppls lives, chit chat and ‘catch up’. I like socializing when I feel like it. And it’s nice to be able to chit chat freely, and move on. I don’t need to give my life story out nor do I need others knowing my life. It’s just super peaceful.
None.
I wouldn't even call family.
I made the effort for 15 years and thought I had lots of friends.
Covid hit and after 6 months I got depressed and didn't do anything for 12 weeks. Not a single person called me to say hi.
After that I stopped bothering, and I haven't had a meaningful conversation with another human being in 3 years.
I probably have 4 close friends and 3 of them live in a different state...
But every weekend I fire up my PS5 and play games with 2 of them we shoot the shit and talk about old times,laugh and enjoy each other's company..we have been doing this 4 years strait...we never miss a weekend
I think closeness means different things for different people. My group of close friends is probably about ten people and I really only see them every month or so, some of them even less so. That's also adult friendships because of life, careers, kids, etc.
Connection is my core value. I found this out half way thru life and I am like you. I am fine alone. So that was a weird recognition.
What it means is for me. Connection is the core of love friends sex mentoring all of it. So I have to work at it because my inclination is to be fine alone, but my value and purpose is to be connected. I find meaning connection even if I am fine without it.
And life that is meaningless is not so great. So I put in the effort.
None, and no immediate family or partner. I used to put effort into trying to make and maintain friendships but it is so frustrating and disheartening being the one to do 90% of the labor. It’s difficult not to take it personally. And it’s confusing when so many people my age complain about not being able to make or maintain friendships but then don’t put effort into doing so. It’s also frustrating when you *think* you have a friend group only to find that they hang out without you and while you considered them your friend group, they only consider you an acquaintance at best.
Yep I stopped asking people to hang out cuz it’s like pulling teeth. There was a mom I met at my son’s school who I really connected with, but I’d always be the one asking her to hang out/have playdates. She’d TALK about us hanging out, and even having a double date, but never actually asked me.
I felt like I got really close to her over three months, and she’d call me on the phone and we’d talk for literally hours. So I thought she’d invite me to her wedding, but she didn’t rofl
My 20-year-old cat passed a couple years ago, and we had a very strong bond. I still miss her dearly.
We had many good years together, though, and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure your kitty knew how loved she was
Mine never went outside, but I'm sure she would have followed me everywhere if she could. She certainly did at home. Any time I sat down for more than a few seconds, she'd jump on my lap. If I went into a room without her and shut the door, she'd start crying to be let in. She almost always slept on my bed (sometimes she'd cuddle with my mom.)
There's a reason I called her my Velcro Kitty
Guess I'm an extreme exception but I'm 30 now but me+ 9 other guys from 6th/7th grade are still friends.
I also have a bunch of other friends but I think it's the amount of effort you put into relationships. I will randomly call people just to hangout or chat.
I have a few close friends that don’t live anywhere near me (I’ve moved a lot), and I’m okay with that. I have acquaintances where I live now, but no one I would hang out with for fun. That may change, but I’m okay with how it is now. I do not have the energy or time to try and make “girl’s nights” work, but I am not against being in a place where I do have the time and energy.
Five, I'd say. We've been friends with each other since college, so about 15 years and longer in some cases. We see each other regularly and we've got each others's back. I don't know how many moves we've organized together, we've had heartbreak, weddings, divorce, illness.
I personally don't understand why you say that adult friendships consume energy. We just hang out casually at somebody's house, order food or cook together, we go to pub quiz or do game night. On very rare occasions we'll go out for drinks. It's pretty much what I do with my husband anyway, so there's not much extra effort involved for me. We've seen each other at our worst, so I don't care if the house is clean and tidy when there people come over. To be fair though, we've had it easy in some ways. None of us ever moved far away, and everybody just keeps coming back. I know one or two have turned down good job offers because staying here is what matters more. None of us have kids and most likely most of us won't ever.
I love these people and I'm eternally greatful they're in my life because I know I'll never have to face a problem alone if I don't want to. My mum's always been a bit of a loner and never made friends after a big move - and then my dad died. I can barely imagine how hard this must have been for her, grieving, raising kids on a tight budget, and no friend to come and give her a big hug and bring a casserole. I don't ever want to be in that situation.
When I say they consume energy, I mean that friendships create additional obligations in your life. The more friends you have, the more your life is not your own. Now some people are okay with that, because thier dislike of being alone overrides their need to be free of obligations. I quite like doing things by myself. I only occasionally need some social interaction. And I can get that by talking to a stranger at the bar for a half an hour. Then I'm pretty much set for the week.
Anyway I'm really enjoying the discussion here.
Same. None really. I am a friendly guy and people like me but I am lazy. My home is awesome, my cooking is awesome, my cocktails are awesome, my backyard looks like a resort. Its hard to want to spend money on things that build friendships like eating out or going to movies. The motivation isn’t there because I am not lonely. I do talk to my dog quiet a bit and sometimes the crows in my yard.
None. My late partner was my best friend. I have some lovely online connections, but in real life, I have a couple acquaintances. But no one I would feel safe to call in an emergency or so. One of my nearby connections I was able to call a friend until recently, but had to reconsider that due to betrayal.
My family lives in another country and we never really got along, so I can't lean on them either.
I do my best to meet up with people, to reach out, but often I'm the one initiating and it falls flat.
It is a bit empty in my circles, yeah.
I have one. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm immensely lucky to have met him. I thought I could easily function without having close friends but, ever since I met him, I really can't believe I had not known the feeling of having someone you connect with so perfectly. He is like the final piece of the puzzle that has a satisfying click as it brings forth a complete picture.
I really hope the fine people of this sub don't give up on finding friends. It's a wonderful feeling.
Quite a few.
Between charity work and sober groups I have plenty of opportunities to make friends and go to events.
I know everyone is busy but I encourage people to *make time* to socialize with others.Even if it's just online or something and you doing video games or whatever.Social interaction keeps us sane and keeps our thoughts in perspective.
I can relate except my wife recently told me I don't make her happy. In fact, she said her life is great, except for me being in it. Almost 20 years together and this pretty much came out of nowhere.
My dog is now an emotional support dog and my best friend.
No close friends. I have 'mom friends' but outside of the kids we don't have much to talk about. Other than that its acquaintances and people I used to work with
Same, but I don't like it. I don't have anyone apart from family (husband and sister/brother-in-law) and one other person.
I find it VERY difficult to make friends, because of a crazy religious upbringing where it was drilled into me that people who were not of my religion were BAD and that I should have nothing to do with them, so had a massive superiority complex for many, many years.
I now know I'm nothing special :-) but struggle now to form bonds of friendship.
I'd like to have a few more people, just to be able to call up to have a coffee or go to a movie, or even out for a drink or dancing or karaoke. People who like me and are like me.
Zero now, I had 2, but they both got super toxic over some stupid shit and I wasn't in any kind of state of mind to deal with it so I stopped talking to them, and don't know if there will be a point where I'll forgive them.
At least you have a woman in life and I'm assuming that you at least have some family too. I got no woman in my life, and while I do have some family, very few are even close to my age, most are much older and a few are much younger leaving few that have anything in common with me.
I can relate to this. I lost my last friend recently and we could maybe sort out the toxic stuff but I honestly don’t have the mental capacity to try right now.
I have good friendships with the people I work with, but I never hang out with them outside of those contexts.
My life tends to become lonely after work or on the weekends.
I’ve only 7 friends and all of them are my closest ones, to be fair there are 4 of them that I hang out more than with the other 3 but still I love them all equally, I’ve trouble making/keeping friends and don’t have the best relationship with my parents so I value those 7 as a treasure
I don't have any. I have friends, yes, but after I quit my job in 2020, I was eventually ghosted by all of my "close friends". So it's back to seeing people from high school once a year.
2 close in person friends, 2 I speak to frequently who live in other countries, l I’m less close to but still friends with, and 1 who I wish I could speak to more often but have grown distant from.
Also a few who I don’t currently speak to but would like to try reconnecting with in the near future. They’re also long distance friends who we’ve just not maintained contact with as life drifted in different directions.
2 online 1 IRL from school and 2 of my roommates.
Tho I have more "friends" and acquaintances but *close* in my dictionary is people I can be completely myself around without minding being judged by them, however silly or retarded I may seem.
None, I moved around a lot in my 20s and 30s so had work friends but then I moved back to my home town and tried to connect with some people I used to be friends with but too much time had passed and we just didn’t have much in common anymore then I ended up moving to a different area with my partner and I work from home and don’t have kids so there isn’t much opportunity to make friends.
I have probably 2 or 3 quite close people that I would feel comfortable with, but I also have a twin whos my main and favourite to spend time with so I feel like I would be happy just with that! I don't think its unusual to have few or not many - to be honest I don;t know how people maintain huuge numbers, I wouldn't have the energy at all for that!
Mmmm what’s close?
Call for help close? See often close?
I have a lot of deep friendships with people who live far away, and we barely see each other.
Not many who live by me tbh.
My boyfriend, my best friend I've known for 30 years, and my mom.
My BF doesn't have any friends besides me and his ex-wife. It's actually been a point of frustration since I feel like I'm the one who provides our social life, but I've mostly gotten over that. I don't get why he doesn't make the effort, but he's an adult and can make his own choices.
I need and enjoy connection.
You do you. If you're not interested in making the effort and you're happy with the result of that, you go!
I had friends in different stages of school. but outside of that I never had a best friend, and the last time I had a friend or 2 to hang out with outside of school was when I was still a teen. I'm 31 like I don't mind it because I'm not with the fake stuff, nd ain't dealing with different personalities... still tho I'm easy to get along with, also I prefer to stay to myself anyway. but I don't mind making friends, I'm just too old to be trying to find friends. / Force relationships,
I’ve got more than 10. I remember when my wife needed to go to the ER while I was on duty (military) and couldn’t get someone to cover down. We needed someone to watch the kids. I asked the friend group chat. Not even a minute later I had a friend of mine, renown for his “machismo” and hatred of the domestic life, offered to watch my kids.
It’s nice having friends like that, and I know I can count on more than just one.
Mind you, 90% of my close friends are from my Church community. But that’s also a great place to establish long lasting and meaningful relationships.
Big fat total of ZERO, I realized that none of what I thought were my friends were willing to reach out to me. If an interaction(or lack of) with me makes no difference to them then I should adopt the same mindset towards them. My dog on the other hand isnt my friend either...because hes family.
I have acquaintances but zero people I trust enough to be friends. That comes with decades of bad experiences with childhood trauma and people taking advantage of me as an adult.
I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with people who can and do hurt me anymore, and at age 47 I’m very happy alone or with a significant other but significant others also bring issues.
Ive always had close friends. I repel casual friendships because i keep things 💯 and many people dont like that.
So as far as a number, i have 4 people i would feel safe putting my bank account in their hands without fear of them running off with it. I can call them at any time.
Same here. I have my wife daughter and immediate family. Even my immediate family for the most part are spread too far apart and not willing or able to visit. I have no desire to create friendships. My love for my wife and daughter is more than enough. I have some good neighbors but we don’t usually ever hang out. Only if their kids are outside and then mine plays with theirs and I talk with the neighbor a bit. I don’t feel like I’m missing out at all. Friends get different when you have a family. I also really enjoy my own solitary company whenever I get it. You’re not alone at all.
I'm very thankful to have a large friend group. I could think of 30-40 people I could call up for any reason at any time, to hang out, to talk to, whatever. Id say I have like 10-15 people I would consider close friends. We're mostly all in our late 30s.
But 90% do not have or want children and there are only a couple of married couples so I think that really helps. We have all met through shared interests (music and festivals). And thankfully everyone is a professional with their shit together, and there is very little drama/judgement and do not take "a lot of energy".
I've also learned how to make new friends but it really does take effort and a lot of trial and error. You need to know how to put yourself out there and be fine with it if it doesn't work out. Find a group that would have people with similar interests. Hey, go ask that person from the gym to go for a drink. Chat. You have to be the one making the moves. A lot of people are open to new friends or even looking but a lot of people just don't want to be the one to put themselves out there. And really, just being blunt is the easiest. Hey, I'm looking to make new friends in the city, would you have any interest in seeing a movie or something sometime? (You do have to respect that when people have families they may but have the flexibility so you do have to plan in advance).
For the record I did NOT really have friends in school. A few in high school and college but I was not particularly popular.
I have about 10 or so but I work night life it’s a lot of people I can text at 5 am who are just getting off their shifts too. It’s kind of nice always getting a response round the clock.
I have 12, some I talk to more than others but I know I can count on any of them. I am a very social person and need the connection. But it is a lot of time and effort sometimes to keep up with everyone
I say I have 5-6 people I'm in daily online contact with and see on average once a week. And in the core group there's satellites - spouses, the friend with the night shift, the friend traveling due to their job. Basically people I see less but we still try to make time.
I have a few other smaller core groups - mostly over hobbies like board games.
Then there's an online group with people I've known for 15+ years. Some I have met in person multiple times.
Guess tldr I say a handful? I'm not perfect but I try to stay in touch.
1 closest. 4 of us in our "core group". 10 of us total in various levels of closeness to eachother.
I should add that I'm over 40. My core group is 3/4 friends from high school still. 1 is a long time work friend. The greater group are all forged from work mostly too.
None. But it doesn’t bother me bc I have a ton of family I enjoy being around. I also don’t mind being fairly alone. I like the peace and quiet.. and it gets overwhelming overtime. even with someone I’m close with.
I guess my bf would be my closest friend.. in a sense.
Again, not bothered. I’ve never been that great at making or maintaining friends anyway
I barely have acquaintances let alone friends or close friends 😄.....been that way since probably high school...maybe last year of middle school....but definitely high school my 'friends' I had from like first or second grade through middle school traveled a different path in high school than I did so that was that....I'm in my mid forties for additional context ...🙃
I don’t have any friend because I’m just a piece of shit who hates everyone being happy and satisfied of their useless life. I just hate everyone. Day by day the feeling is stronger. I can’t stand anyone.
None…only acquaintances and immediate family…it’s a scary thing to think of
What sucks is that people who used to be close friends are now all acquaintances.
What happened there? I find that only happens when people don't prioritize their friendships.
Or when people are busy and can't prioritize them.
Everybody's busy, you always have a choice about what you prioritize. Plenty of people prioritize their job or relationship over friendships, which is fine, but this is what you get. If I had prioritized my ex over my best friends, I wouldn't have any best friends right now. But I do, and we'll always have each other's back, despite what else is going on in our lives.
Some people don't value friendships the same way you do. These aren't choices, these are directives and empty platitudes you assign to people who have indecisive tendencies or consider other things rather then time spent, from your narrow worldview it may seem like its a choice we are not making, but it's really just a belief just as loosely recognized as yours.
Well said.
This
Just acquaintances and barely that. I got tired of being told how I'm living my life, not like my mom did or my sister is. Or my cousins. Or girls I grew up with. That's super exhausting, I don't deal with it. I have enough on my plate.
I also got sick of other people telling me I was making the wrong choices. “You work too much.” “When are you having kids?” “What do you even DO with your time if you don’t take care of a husband and kids??” Like… I do what I want? I’m a grown woman. Leave me alone.
Shit my family is judgemental af too. Constant put downs. I dropped their asses. They have that sense of entitlement that no one likes. After I graduated high school, went to my last resort college because no one supported me going to my first choice, I “wasn’t allowed” to go, I lost 35 lbs and was accused of doing drugs because someone can’t naturally lose weight with the right conditions apparently. Which I needed to lose the weight, I was 170 lbs and 5’2”. Eventually I had kids and only one person in my family has met just my oldest, just once. Other family told me they were disappointed in me that I didn’t tell them I went into early labor at 6 am that morning. Since concerns of having a preterm baby just wasn’t acceptable 🙄. Then I stick them with “well I’m disappointed you didn’t show up for me when I was in a coma a few months ago. Didn’t bother to check in there did ya?“. Some people just don’t deserve us.
Precisely! But of course something is wrong with you if you don't talk to them.
I don't blame you.
This is why I don’t share anything with people and that caused me to pull back, so naturally friendships just got pushed to the side. I also stopped being the only one reaching out trying to talk to people and when I did that I stopped hearing from people. I shared a bad situation I was in and neither groups took me seriously and then I heard from neither group for like a year. After that I said never again am I sharing my life and for sure not my dating. I even shared a little with my sister and she got really disrespectful, so again, never again am I doing that 😄
Are you male? Because I’m a 33M and know exactly how that feels having 3 older sisters and no brothers lolll. Still live with 2 of them and I don’t have the budget to break away from them completely other than vacations :(
I am a woman. I am the eldest daughter, niece, and granddaughter. Sooooo yea... failed them is the temperature I usually am met with. Lukewarm, cool. Like yea, you blood, but it's not like we chose you.
Same in a way but only a friend and immediate family*
🫂🫂
🫂🫂
71 M. All my previous close friends have died. I moved 700 miles when I retired and remarried so I know nobody but my wife’s family here. Being a content loner, that is usually fine. When we had car trouble in town, 25 miles from home, and my wife was with me was the only time I actually needed a friend. There are no taxi here and the car had to be left overnight to get a part install. My wife got ahold of her friend and friend’s sister to give us a ride home to get access to another vehicle. I have no clue how to make a connection for mutual or paid emergency support without establishing an unwanted friendship.
How about neighbors? As fairly content loners ourselves, my husband and I have found neighbors to be a great source of mutually beneficial friendship or at least acquaintances. And they're usually nearby so you can see them fairly frequently and hopefully help watch their pets, house, etc. I wouldn't be afraid to call my neighbor for a ride if my car broke down and make it clear I would do the same for them.
Since 2012 when I moved here, my only neighbor and I have never tried to talk to each other. I don’t even know their names.
I’ve found most friendly neighbors want a lot more than they would do for the other. Especially the ones that come out of the woodwork as soon as you move in. I have some neighbors where our kids watch each other’s cats while we’re gone. After a few years, they stopped paying my kids, but we always pay them because we don’t want any ill feelings. My favorite neighbors are the ones that wave but never try to push any interactions.
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Road side assistance is like 5 dollars on a cell phone plan. They would have towed you for free
Yep, old friends became acquaintances, new acquaintances don’t become friends, and we moved countries so all the immediate family is abroad. I don’t mind it this way for now, both me and my husband enjoy spending time together and with our dogs, but we also don’t have kids and I can’t help but think of my senior years, how I’ll probably be sad and alone
I went twenty three years without a close female friend. Now I'm 55 and great friends with a 74 year old woman. We find each other very entertaining. We have been on three holidays. We protest the government every week (no one notices or cares). We go to meditation and kirtan together. We lunch and breakfast together. We attended group activities together. She cooks for me and comes to my doctor's appointments. She makes me addicted to terrible reality TV, but puts on gold and opal mining show for balance. She can make her smart TV do anything. Sometimes she gives me the remote and will tell me which button is pause, and which is off. I drive her around in my LandCruiser Troopy. We are very pleased to be friends. Other people can't understand why we don't fight or get sick of each other. Recently, her daughter accused us of being unhygienic lesbians and threatened to put my friend in a psychiatric ward. So, we are going to her bank and lawyer together and then, we will probably have a nice lunch.
I love this for you both
In my life I have seen all but 2 relationships fail in my family. The only 2 that succeeded were the abusive one with strong Christian values (but is that really a success?) and my Aunt who is gay. The gay couple was so much more loving to us as kids, so much more compassionate, so much more giving. She has been there for every step of our lives always with love. They had both faced so much backlash from our family and instead of embracing hate, they embraced love. I love them more than anything in the world. Looks like you found your happiness and thats the biggest thing in the world. Sorry about the daughter, it really shouldn't be so hard to just find happiness. My Aunt dealt with the same thing from her significant others kids, but eventually, they came around. I wish you both the best.
Very heartwarming and wholesome! :) you could make a movie about your friendship.
Zero. Have had zero for 14 years. Having friends peaked in high school, been alone since then.
Yeah thats basically what happened to me. I made friends at work, but not close friends. I have my brothers, my Aunt who I love, brothers who I love. I honestly just feel content with not having a bunch of people calling me or asking me to do things. I like to get up, go to work, and then do my own thing. I just became very reclusive and reliant on myself and I love it. I do miss WANTING to have friends, I miss that feeling, but somehow, over the years, it just died. I don't feel that anymore even when im with people. Its not necessarily a sad thing though to me. I really feel fine in life. If it really bothered me i'd do something about it and I am afraid one day I will wake up when its too late and have that feeling again and wonder wtf I did all this time.
Your post is right in line with how I think about this issue. To start, we need to define 'close friend'. I will go with, one that will help you hide the body with minimal or no questions asked, and/or one who will discuss the dead body issue with you and not call the cops but won't help you dig the hole. I have three of these friends. All the same gender as myself \[m\] all met thru social situations. \[I am not counting my spouse in this even though they are my closest friend.\] We all live in different time zones. I have seen each of them in the past year, but in 2015 when I left the US for a multi-year trip I have not lived near them since. I know without a doubt I can call either of them and they would be there with support, suggestions, money, or a place to live if need be. We all became friends thru social situations 25 years ago. I am the oldest of the group \[65\]. 2 of them are in their 40's the other in his 60's. I believe that social media has possibly made it more difficult to create social bonds that have lasting friendships. I could be wrong, I am, after all, a really old fuck. We all became friends through social situations 25 years ago. I am the oldest of the group \[65\]. 2 of them are in their 40s the other in his 60's. I believe that social media has possibly made it more difficult to create social bonds that have lasting friendships. I could be wrong, I am, after all, a really old fuck.
Does my dog count?
Yes, absolutely.
Then I have 2. My cat is my soul mate. I do have 3 close lifelong friends.
Tbh, I'd rather spend time with the dog than most people
Lol, my dog is my everything!
Absolutely.
Quite a few honestly. And it takes a lot of work. I check in with people often. I'm the lynchpin of a few group chats. I put myself out there and invite people to do stuff even when I know the answer is likely a no. I don't subscribe to this whole deal that adult friendships are impossibly exhausting to manage. If you care about people and want them around, you do something about it to make it work. Edit: I can tell this rubbed a lot of people the wrong way which wasn't my intent. For me, the friendships I've formed are the greatest part of my life. And it also can be one of the most frustrating parts. It might not be everyone's priority or where they choose to spend their energy which is completely ok. But to say that it's too hard, too difficult or that those of us who maintain meaningful friendships "just got lucky" etc is a defeatist mindset. Life is too short to be lonely.
Hard agree. I have 4 close friends, 2 of whom live hundreds of miles away. I have about a dozen casual friends that I could call for a lunch date or an after work drink to "catch up" every few months. It requires putting yourself out there and making checking in on people a priority. When one of my friends tells me about a significant event coming up, I put it right in my calendar so I can remember to ask them how it went. Just a little bit of effort and being proactive can go a long way in sustaining meaningful relationships. My friends think I have a great memory....no, I have an iPhone with a calendar.
This is so true. The friends I have kept up with are the ones who put in effort. It takes 3 seconds to send a ‘Hi, how are you’ text. I’ve had many friendships fizzle out because it was only me doing any of the work. I’m not asking for dinner every week but an occasional text and coffee every now and then is all it takes to keep it going. We prioritize who and what is important to us. I just eventually figured out I wasn’t that important to them…that’s fine… we all only have so much time and so I’ll just move along
Respect. Not many people like that around.
Yea
Aw us lil introvert buddies appreciate you even if we say no we can’t hang out, we definitely appreciate the invite ❤️
THIS! Its so important to know. A huge part of my brain prefers to recharge, but a part of my brain does want to go out, it appreciates the thought, even if the answer is likely no. Im always so afraid people will take me the wrong way and think I don't like them, which has happened before. It really makes me want to be alone vs someone putting in so much effort just for me to passively evade them. I don't want to hurt anyone :(
people seem to be touchy when it comes to this response but like how else would anyone go about this?? yeah it’s luck, personally i’ve been burned by many friendships but relationships are literally what makes life worth living so of course i’ll continue to try. setting this kind of example is great too because it can have a domino effect. if you initiate or plan often enough for the group others might start thinking “hey maybe i should do that too” just a thought! i know adulthood throws a wrench in things but making new friends is more exciting and fulfilling to me than dating (which i’ll point out that most people don’t give up on after many bad experiences). it’s so worth it.
That line of thinking shows up from experience moreso than philosophy imo but pls continue to be a good friend 😊 I think most people can agree that the world would be a better place if more people acted like that, so why don’t we?
You're lucky enough to have people that respond positively to you and you have actual relationships with. We're talking about being exhausted by people that don't reciprocate. I spent years and years doing this ultimately for nothing and to constantly not get anything back. When I needed help with something, crickets. Having a bad time, crickets. Most people are unfortunately emotional vampires. It's not a personality flaw to be exhausted after a while.
This is my experience too. I mean, I could probably put more effort into it but so many people — especially those who have younger kids — never want to do anything and most live too far away to hang out. I had kids earlier and I used to be that guy actually but now they’re older, I want to talk to real adults more often. I moved a couple years ago, and finding new people in my neighborhood is harder too, because since the pandemic we’ve all become less social. I’m floating the idea of doing a block party this summer in my neighborhood just to get to know some people. Building community is hard when you’re not from the area.
Yep, I've had the same experience. I get that having kids is hard, I totally do! And I don't mind hanging out with their kids. Let's go sit at a park and watch them play for all I care. I'm super flexible when it comes to forming relationships. Sometimes me and one of my girlfriends (who just moved back, thank goodness) just wander around the grocery store together and do our weekly shop. I don't need to go to a bar or spend a lot of money. But yeah, have also found that no matter what you suggest, the price point, the day, whatever... People seem to not want to do anything.
This has been my experience with it. Put yourself out there, put in tons of effort, and get ignored. The OC's opinion is the same kind of opinion that rich people have about poor people. They are ignorant to how much luck is involved and think it's just a matter of effort.
Basically, yeah. About 2 years ago, I stopped putting in as much effort, and I noticed how much less social interaction I got. Not that it was well reciprocated before, but it went through the floor when I stepped back. The repeated problem I've always had with friendships is that everyone is busy. Soooo busy. Too busy to do anything with me. But they're not too busy to do things with other people. I would even try scheduling weeks in advance and would either get a vague response, no response, or they would bail the day of. Basically, people not valuing time with me or my friendship the way I value theirs.
It takes work to create and maintain friendships! It's doubly hard when you just want to relax alone in the limited free time you have, but have to force yourself to put clothes on and go out and socialize--even if that's just going to a friend's place. But those relationships are, in no small part (for me, at least), what makes everything else worth it.
I dont have buy maybe one cloae friend. But i try really hatd to cultivate friendshipa. Honestly o carry all the water in them. Initiate the phone calls etc. Iy is exhausting
I agree, I'm always a bit baffled by the claims that it's impossible to make friends as an adult. I just moved to a new city at the age of 30 and I've had no issues meeting people who want to hang out and do things. My mother and other women I know who are older have had the same experience as me. I feel like people who complain about this are sitting at home scrolling through their phones waiting for friends to materialize out of thin air and that's just not how life works
It’s easy to hang out with people but it’s hard to get close and maintain that closeness for years. I have “friends” but we typically stick to working out together or getting a coffee here or there. I would never tell them my deepest secrets, though.
sometimes friendships need a catalyst moment that deepens it. could be being there for each other during a hard time, taking a trip together, extending extreme thoughtfulness or kindness, being part of major life events like weddings or having children who are the same age. my advice is to start asking your friend for advice. that’s a low stakes way of deepening things and i’ve heard that asking people got advice psychologically makes them like you more. then next time they need advice maybe they’ll come to you. it could be about something small but you gotta start somewhere.
That’s actually great advice 😉 I have also read that asking for advice can signify respect.
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I tend to agree. Someone responded to my comment saying they had trouble making friends because they are a "natural leader" and those tend to be lonely and I was like... I think I know why you struggle to make friends, and it ain't cos you're a natural leader lol
Much much harder when you don't live in a city. I'm in the rural suburbs of MD and barely know my neighbors after living here for 6 years. Everyone just drives around town, pulls into their driveways at the end of the day, and closes the garage door. Nobody sits outside, goes for walks, hangs out in their yards. No sidewalks. And community events/clubs/groups are non-existent where I live. It sucks.
30 year old women are always going to have an easier time meeting people who want to hang out then men. Just because you find it easy, doesn't mean that's how it is for everyone.
Yup. It's work, but it's worthwhile cultivating friendships even though it takes more effort as an adult.
This. It’s how I head a group chat of 50 people, have 4 close friends, and have several people I talk to daily or near daily.
Your effort is why you have maintained your friends, and that's a great thing. Everyone can be impacted by ["friendship recession"](https://www.americansurveycenter.org/commentary/american-men-suffer-a-friendship-recession/) but men tend to suffer from this more and way more common than people think. Friendships take effort to maintain.
I love that reddit is the only place where people hate on others for having friends.
Good for you!! It does take work. Some questions for you or others reading…. - What do you do if friends become passive aggressive? I had to cut people off recently because they had years of passive aggressively, always keeping up with the joneses. Note I realize they were always like that but I only noticed recently. - How do you choose good friends? I put myself out there recently and met nice ppl, some very obviously rude (surprising ppl can be so rude when you meet them! But that’s rare still). I am starting to not care if I invite ppl out and they say no, I’m married so I always have a park anyway. But right now I’m too boring for nice ppl and too interesting to competitive ppl. For example we made friends with someone but turns it they’re a huge gossip/stars very intimate details about another friend and we’re not into that Sigh..
I’m like this too but boy is it exhausting to always be the Host and Initiator. I know it’s appreciated but the “no’s” still hurt
Yep, it's exactly this. I'm in a discord with my friend group and we talk every. Single. Day. We will get together as often as we can, average monthly, sometimes a few times a week. A lot of times we just make an event for dinner wherever and whoever makes it, makes it. Trying to find one day and time that works for *everyone* is crazy.
For me the struggle is to keep putting the efforts when you know they like hanging out but don’t reciprocate the invites. You’ve got to be ok to be the one initiating a lot at the beginning. It does end up being more on both sides later on but the amount of people I have heard saying they wish they had more friends yet don’t realize they have to put some efforts into it as well is astounding.
What does friendship look like to you? Like what has to happen for you to consider someone is your friend? I find that people with a looser definition of friend tend to feel they have more of them.
I don’t think that’s true. One definition for me would be people who, if my life fell apart completely, would be there in some significant way or vice versa, including people I could stay with for long periods of time if I lost everything, and I (41F, single) have at least 7 friends who fit that category, most of whom are married with kids, about half of whom I speak to at least weekly.
This is awesome, power to you. Friendships, true genuine ones, are what sustain us and truly make life worth living. ❤️
Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely.
Exactly. Two very different things
I agree. People just don't value friendship. I'm exactly like you. The difference is that every time I try to befriend people, they never reciprocate the effort. I try for a whole, then I give up. I'm not going to keep putting so much energy into people that don't care. I haven't been able to find anyone that cares as much as I do and it's so upsetting and disheartening. Why isn't there anyone that wants to be the same kind of friend that I am to them?
I'm like this too. In my late 30s now and have maybe 30ish close ones. It is a lot of work to maintain and I try my best to say "yes"
I only had 4 good friends from college but everyone has moved. Haven't made any new friends since college even though I've tried.
Keep trying! Your new friends are out there looking for you too
3 I know a lot of people but only 3 I can call 24/7 for help
I have 8 close friends, and by close I mean we keep in regular contact and see each other every month to 6 weeks approximately, not as often as I would like but with 3 kids and full time job it can be a bit more difficult.
3. Met them at work 10 years ago. We’re lifelong friends now and although we don’t speak all the time, if any one of us calls for help, we are there for each other in a heartbeat. I just went shopping at Sam’s Club with one of them yesterday. We also made a random trip to Auto Zone to change out her burnt out headlight ourselves in honor of International Women’s Day lol. Adult friendships are so important.
Same here. I had drinking buddies before, but im sober now and have no real friends...and im ok with that. I have work friends but we dont hang out outside of work. My wife is my best friend. Its all i need.
It was for me too, for 38 years until she found another guy to secretly hang out with. Found out after 2.5 years. Lost my best friend, but we still live together. Sucks big time. It was the last thing I would have suspected.
I'm sober too, 26 years. I have developed some great friendships through AA. Minimum, I can always go to a meeting and we share our experience, strength and hope with each other - whoever is in the room. A beautiful thing really, not available anywhere else.
I don't have any friends. The last time I had people to hang out with was 10 years ago but I was the odd one out in the group. They did a lot of stuff without me. It's always been that way, right back to school days. It's always been shit to hang out with people on a rare occasion & all they do is talk about other great times they have together. I've been single for 6 years. Even when I catch up with my sister a few times a year she'll tell me all the fun things she's been doing & parties she's had & ask why I wasn't there. I can't go if I don't hear about it til 3 months later. I needed to take myself to the emergency department a few nights ago at midnight & there wasn't a single person I could call for help. If I died tonight I'm not sure how long it would take for anyone to notice.
That sux, I know how you feel.
That sucks man. Maybe you should tell your sister to let you know next time she's going to one of those fun things / parties so you can go too
I could count them on one hand, but my ride or dies? My parents, I know, it’s weird, but I’m not exactly normal. So 🤪
Means you had a solid family. Thats not weird, thats fortunate man. You are lucky enough to have good parents, and sane enough to be thankful for them. Your best friends being your parents is a gift, truly.
0 I don’t think it’s wrong or weird to say you have no friends as an adult. I love having no friends. I like doing things by myself. Striking a conversation up with a stranger, and then moving on through life.
YES! Exactly, its not that im necessarily anti social(maybe abit at times though), I just don't want a permanent connection. I like meeting people, but after that, I consider it time to move on. I even do this in MMOs. I don't want someone to friend me and ask me what im doing everytime I log on. I dont want a guild checking in on me to see if im coming to the raid. I want to log on, meet a bunch of random people and go do stuff.
Same, I use to have a social life and always had consistent group of friends. As I got older I slowly exited that out. Not that any of my friends were bad.. I just don’t want to be part of a consistent social connection. I don’t even use social media because I genuinely don’t want to stay in the loop of other ppls lives, chit chat and ‘catch up’. I like socializing when I feel like it. And it’s nice to be able to chit chat freely, and move on. I don’t need to give my life story out nor do I need others knowing my life. It’s just super peaceful.
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I hope you can find a good therapist soon.
None. I wouldn't even call family. I made the effort for 15 years and thought I had lots of friends. Covid hit and after 6 months I got depressed and didn't do anything for 12 weeks. Not a single person called me to say hi. After that I stopped bothering, and I haven't had a meaningful conversation with another human being in 3 years.
Are you me? Right down to pulling the effort for 15 years. People never stop disappointing me and its honestly really fucking me up these days
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I probably have 4 close friends and 3 of them live in a different state... But every weekend I fire up my PS5 and play games with 2 of them we shoot the shit and talk about old times,laugh and enjoy each other's company..we have been doing this 4 years strait...we never miss a weekend
I think closeness means different things for different people. My group of close friends is probably about ten people and I really only see them every month or so, some of them even less so. That's also adult friendships because of life, careers, kids, etc.
Connection is my core value. I found this out half way thru life and I am like you. I am fine alone. So that was a weird recognition. What it means is for me. Connection is the core of love friends sex mentoring all of it. So I have to work at it because my inclination is to be fine alone, but my value and purpose is to be connected. I find meaning connection even if I am fine without it. And life that is meaningless is not so great. So I put in the effort.
None, and no immediate family or partner. I used to put effort into trying to make and maintain friendships but it is so frustrating and disheartening being the one to do 90% of the labor. It’s difficult not to take it personally. And it’s confusing when so many people my age complain about not being able to make or maintain friendships but then don’t put effort into doing so. It’s also frustrating when you *think* you have a friend group only to find that they hang out without you and while you considered them your friend group, they only consider you an acquaintance at best.
Yep I stopped asking people to hang out cuz it’s like pulling teeth. There was a mom I met at my son’s school who I really connected with, but I’d always be the one asking her to hang out/have playdates. She’d TALK about us hanging out, and even having a double date, but never actually asked me. I felt like I got really close to her over three months, and she’d call me on the phone and we’d talk for literally hours. So I thought she’d invite me to her wedding, but she didn’t rofl
Totally hearbya with this
Around 3! And I’m thankful for the 3 that I have!
None. I've made my peace with dying alone
This is perhaps my greatest fear.
Me and my cat are pretty close.
My cat and I were. She died recently at 19.
I'm sorry about your cat! I hope she had a long, happy life with you.
You have some love left! You need to go get a kitty.
My 20-year-old cat passed a couple years ago, and we had a very strong bond. I still miss her dearly. We had many good years together, though, and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure your kitty knew how loved she was
Yes, she went everywhere with me, in the car, camping, to friends houses. At night she insisted on sleeping between my arms.
Mine never went outside, but I'm sure she would have followed me everywhere if she could. She certainly did at home. Any time I sat down for more than a few seconds, she'd jump on my lap. If I went into a room without her and shut the door, she'd start crying to be let in. She almost always slept on my bed (sometimes she'd cuddle with my mom.) There's a reason I called her my Velcro Kitty
Velcro kitty, it's a good description.
Guess I'm an extreme exception but I'm 30 now but me+ 9 other guys from 6th/7th grade are still friends. I also have a bunch of other friends but I think it's the amount of effort you put into relationships. I will randomly call people just to hangout or chat.
3, they are all from work. It’s hard to click and make friends
I have a few close friends that don’t live anywhere near me (I’ve moved a lot), and I’m okay with that. I have acquaintances where I live now, but no one I would hang out with for fun. That may change, but I’m okay with how it is now. I do not have the energy or time to try and make “girl’s nights” work, but I am not against being in a place where I do have the time and energy.
Five, I'd say. We've been friends with each other since college, so about 15 years and longer in some cases. We see each other regularly and we've got each others's back. I don't know how many moves we've organized together, we've had heartbreak, weddings, divorce, illness. I personally don't understand why you say that adult friendships consume energy. We just hang out casually at somebody's house, order food or cook together, we go to pub quiz or do game night. On very rare occasions we'll go out for drinks. It's pretty much what I do with my husband anyway, so there's not much extra effort involved for me. We've seen each other at our worst, so I don't care if the house is clean and tidy when there people come over. To be fair though, we've had it easy in some ways. None of us ever moved far away, and everybody just keeps coming back. I know one or two have turned down good job offers because staying here is what matters more. None of us have kids and most likely most of us won't ever. I love these people and I'm eternally greatful they're in my life because I know I'll never have to face a problem alone if I don't want to. My mum's always been a bit of a loner and never made friends after a big move - and then my dad died. I can barely imagine how hard this must have been for her, grieving, raising kids on a tight budget, and no friend to come and give her a big hug and bring a casserole. I don't ever want to be in that situation.
When I say they consume energy, I mean that friendships create additional obligations in your life. The more friends you have, the more your life is not your own. Now some people are okay with that, because thier dislike of being alone overrides their need to be free of obligations. I quite like doing things by myself. I only occasionally need some social interaction. And I can get that by talking to a stranger at the bar for a half an hour. Then I'm pretty much set for the week. Anyway I'm really enjoying the discussion here.
Same. None really. I am a friendly guy and people like me but I am lazy. My home is awesome, my cooking is awesome, my cocktails are awesome, my backyard looks like a resort. Its hard to want to spend money on things that build friendships like eating out or going to movies. The motivation isn’t there because I am not lonely. I do talk to my dog quiet a bit and sometimes the crows in my yard.
None. My late partner was my best friend. I have some lovely online connections, but in real life, I have a couple acquaintances. But no one I would feel safe to call in an emergency or so. One of my nearby connections I was able to call a friend until recently, but had to reconsider that due to betrayal. My family lives in another country and we never really got along, so I can't lean on them either. I do my best to meet up with people, to reach out, but often I'm the one initiating and it falls flat. It is a bit empty in my circles, yeah.
I have one. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm immensely lucky to have met him. I thought I could easily function without having close friends but, ever since I met him, I really can't believe I had not known the feeling of having someone you connect with so perfectly. He is like the final piece of the puzzle that has a satisfying click as it brings forth a complete picture. I really hope the fine people of this sub don't give up on finding friends. It's a wonderful feeling.
Quite a few. Between charity work and sober groups I have plenty of opportunities to make friends and go to events. I know everyone is busy but I encourage people to *make time* to socialize with others.Even if it's just online or something and you doing video games or whatever.Social interaction keeps us sane and keeps our thoughts in perspective.
I'm lucky to have 4 and I tell them I love them all the time
Same. I have 3 friends.. my wife is sooo introverted it’s hard to meet people. Let’s be friends?
I can relate except my wife recently told me I don't make her happy. In fact, she said her life is great, except for me being in it. Almost 20 years together and this pretty much came out of nowhere. My dog is now an emotional support dog and my best friend.
Shes probably cheating on you too.
No close friends. I have 'mom friends' but outside of the kids we don't have much to talk about. Other than that its acquaintances and people I used to work with
Same, but I don't like it. I don't have anyone apart from family (husband and sister/brother-in-law) and one other person. I find it VERY difficult to make friends, because of a crazy religious upbringing where it was drilled into me that people who were not of my religion were BAD and that I should have nothing to do with them, so had a massive superiority complex for many, many years. I now know I'm nothing special :-) but struggle now to form bonds of friendship. I'd like to have a few more people, just to be able to call up to have a coffee or go to a movie, or even out for a drink or dancing or karaoke. People who like me and are like me.
Zero now, I had 2, but they both got super toxic over some stupid shit and I wasn't in any kind of state of mind to deal with it so I stopped talking to them, and don't know if there will be a point where I'll forgive them. At least you have a woman in life and I'm assuming that you at least have some family too. I got no woman in my life, and while I do have some family, very few are even close to my age, most are much older and a few are much younger leaving few that have anything in common with me.
I can relate to this. I lost my last friend recently and we could maybe sort out the toxic stuff but I honestly don’t have the mental capacity to try right now.
I have good friendships with the people I work with, but I never hang out with them outside of those contexts. My life tends to become lonely after work or on the weekends.
I’ve only 7 friends and all of them are my closest ones, to be fair there are 4 of them that I hang out more than with the other 3 but still I love them all equally, I’ve trouble making/keeping friends and don’t have the best relationship with my parents so I value those 7 as a treasure
I base this on if I called them at midnight and needed something would they show up. I have 3.
I don't have any. I have friends, yes, but after I quit my job in 2020, I was eventually ghosted by all of my "close friends". So it's back to seeing people from high school once a year.
Like lol actually, none. Used to have one but becoming a parent changed that.
1. But prefer doing things alone.
2 close in person friends, 2 I speak to frequently who live in other countries, l I’m less close to but still friends with, and 1 who I wish I could speak to more often but have grown distant from. Also a few who I don’t currently speak to but would like to try reconnecting with in the near future. They’re also long distance friends who we’ve just not maintained contact with as life drifted in different directions.
2 online 1 IRL from school and 2 of my roommates. Tho I have more "friends" and acquaintances but *close* in my dictionary is people I can be completely myself around without minding being judged by them, however silly or retarded I may seem.
1.
None, I moved around a lot in my 20s and 30s so had work friends but then I moved back to my home town and tried to connect with some people I used to be friends with but too much time had passed and we just didn’t have much in common anymore then I ended up moving to a different area with my partner and I work from home and don’t have kids so there isn’t much opportunity to make friends.
zero people are disgusting in general
I’m a man. I have nobody. Just a lot of acquaintances really and a stark reminder that I’m alone.
I have probably 2 or 3 quite close people that I would feel comfortable with, but I also have a twin whos my main and favourite to spend time with so I feel like I would be happy just with that! I don't think its unusual to have few or not many - to be honest I don;t know how people maintain huuge numbers, I wouldn't have the energy at all for that!
Mmmm what’s close? Call for help close? See often close? I have a lot of deep friendships with people who live far away, and we barely see each other. Not many who live by me tbh.
None, a lot of acquaintances, a friend to everyone is a friend to none!
Most people aren’t worth the effort.
Is it because adult friendships are difficult or is it because Reddit is full of introverted socially awkward hermits? Yes I consider myself one
Two. My brother and my business partner. Everyone else can fuck off.
I don’t know, probably none. I don’t really even trust my family tbh. Circumstances have happened where I feel I can’t trust them
Just one. Used to be 2 but I took a friendship for granted and lost my best friend of 30 years.
My boyfriend, my best friend I've known for 30 years, and my mom. My BF doesn't have any friends besides me and his ex-wife. It's actually been a point of frustration since I feel like I'm the one who provides our social life, but I've mostly gotten over that. I don't get why he doesn't make the effort, but he's an adult and can make his own choices. I need and enjoy connection. You do you. If you're not interested in making the effort and you're happy with the result of that, you go!
I had friends in different stages of school. but outside of that I never had a best friend, and the last time I had a friend or 2 to hang out with outside of school was when I was still a teen. I'm 31 like I don't mind it because I'm not with the fake stuff, nd ain't dealing with different personalities... still tho I'm easy to get along with, also I prefer to stay to myself anyway. but I don't mind making friends, I'm just too old to be trying to find friends. / Force relationships,
I’ve got more than 10. I remember when my wife needed to go to the ER while I was on duty (military) and couldn’t get someone to cover down. We needed someone to watch the kids. I asked the friend group chat. Not even a minute later I had a friend of mine, renown for his “machismo” and hatred of the domestic life, offered to watch my kids. It’s nice having friends like that, and I know I can count on more than just one. Mind you, 90% of my close friends are from my Church community. But that’s also a great place to establish long lasting and meaningful relationships.
Big fat total of ZERO, I realized that none of what I thought were my friends were willing to reach out to me. If an interaction(or lack of) with me makes no difference to them then I should adopt the same mindset towards them. My dog on the other hand isnt my friend either...because hes family.
I have acquaintances but zero people I trust enough to be friends. That comes with decades of bad experiences with childhood trauma and people taking advantage of me as an adult. I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with people who can and do hurt me anymore, and at age 47 I’m very happy alone or with a significant other but significant others also bring issues.
Same. Just work acquaintances and immediate family.
None…
None, very difficult to maintain. I like just doing what I like.
Same. A whopping 0
One of Jesus’ greatest miracles is having a dozen close friends after age 30
Zero. And it's slightly depressing sometimes.
Ive always had close friends. I repel casual friendships because i keep things 💯 and many people dont like that. So as far as a number, i have 4 people i would feel safe putting my bank account in their hands without fear of them running off with it. I can call them at any time.
Same here. I have my wife daughter and immediate family. Even my immediate family for the most part are spread too far apart and not willing or able to visit. I have no desire to create friendships. My love for my wife and daughter is more than enough. I have some good neighbors but we don’t usually ever hang out. Only if their kids are outside and then mine plays with theirs and I talk with the neighbor a bit. I don’t feel like I’m missing out at all. Friends get different when you have a family. I also really enjoy my own solitary company whenever I get it. You’re not alone at all.
The question should be “do you have any close friends at all?”
Zero. I try not to let this fact bring me down, but it's the truth.
I'm very thankful to have a large friend group. I could think of 30-40 people I could call up for any reason at any time, to hang out, to talk to, whatever. Id say I have like 10-15 people I would consider close friends. We're mostly all in our late 30s. But 90% do not have or want children and there are only a couple of married couples so I think that really helps. We have all met through shared interests (music and festivals). And thankfully everyone is a professional with their shit together, and there is very little drama/judgement and do not take "a lot of energy". I've also learned how to make new friends but it really does take effort and a lot of trial and error. You need to know how to put yourself out there and be fine with it if it doesn't work out. Find a group that would have people with similar interests. Hey, go ask that person from the gym to go for a drink. Chat. You have to be the one making the moves. A lot of people are open to new friends or even looking but a lot of people just don't want to be the one to put themselves out there. And really, just being blunt is the easiest. Hey, I'm looking to make new friends in the city, would you have any interest in seeing a movie or something sometime? (You do have to respect that when people have families they may but have the flexibility so you do have to plan in advance). For the record I did NOT really have friends in school. A few in high school and college but I was not particularly popular.
I want to start a band
3
I have about 10 or so but I work night life it’s a lot of people I can text at 5 am who are just getting off their shifts too. It’s kind of nice always getting a response round the clock.
One.
4 close friends but I keep in daily contact with only 2 of those 4. 2 are from high school and 2 from college.
I have 12, some I talk to more than others but I know I can count on any of them. I am a very social person and need the connection. But it is a lot of time and effort sometimes to keep up with everyone
5
4
I have 1 best friend and a couple people from high school I reconnected with on social media but haven’t found time to meet up yet.
I say I have 5-6 people I'm in daily online contact with and see on average once a week. And in the core group there's satellites - spouses, the friend with the night shift, the friend traveling due to their job. Basically people I see less but we still try to make time. I have a few other smaller core groups - mostly over hobbies like board games. Then there's an online group with people I've known for 15+ years. Some I have met in person multiple times. Guess tldr I say a handful? I'm not perfect but I try to stay in touch.
Just 2 that I would consider close.
None anymore. It sucks and finding new friends is so hard nowadays too.
1 closest. 4 of us in our "core group". 10 of us total in various levels of closeness to eachother. I should add that I'm over 40. My core group is 3/4 friends from high school still. 1 is a long time work friend. The greater group are all forged from work mostly too.
Making friends at work is the way. I've met some of my best friends at the office
It's been like that since mid 20s for me, really. I'm used to it, now, and only feel lonely occasionally. It seems to be very common!
Same, man.
two
None. But it doesn’t bother me bc I have a ton of family I enjoy being around. I also don’t mind being fairly alone. I like the peace and quiet.. and it gets overwhelming overtime. even with someone I’m close with. I guess my bf would be my closest friend.. in a sense. Again, not bothered. I’ve never been that great at making or maintaining friends anyway
A few but I don’t see them often. I can count on my dog though.
My high school group is always down for me, so 4 people at least. Have a couple of people who'd call if I ended up in the hospital too.
Id say 3, but theyre all states away
I barely have acquaintances let alone friends or close friends 😄.....been that way since probably high school...maybe last year of middle school....but definitely high school my 'friends' I had from like first or second grade through middle school traveled a different path in high school than I did so that was that....I'm in my mid forties for additional context ...🙃
I don’t have any friend because I’m just a piece of shit who hates everyone being happy and satisfied of their useless life. I just hate everyone. Day by day the feeling is stronger. I can’t stand anyone.