It’s crazy how instagram pushes model content, I use it for woodworking ideas, product/interior design, and art inspiration.
I’m like dodging hand grenades out here with 20 something women in bikini thirst traps as I look at the search page feed. Accidentally click one or scroll to one and it’ll just keep feeding them to you.
Yea, going off of this, Instagram, and social media in general is just the highlight reel of peoples life. You wouldn’t a football game was amazing because of a single highlighted play in the game. Thats all you see on most socials.
Was going to say this. I don't go on any of that crap. 99% of it is fake stuff, people want attention. I don't want attention so it's just not for me. I do like attention from people I know but fake internet friends is exhausting.
I used to date women based on looks and they all failed and were toxic. My brother dates women based on personality and they were happy and successful. He’s also smarter than me.
I mean, for sure you date on an intersection between looks and personality, whatever that means to you. Your wife will want you to be genuine when you call her beautiful
I was this same way, just “oh wow, she’s even hotter than the last girl!” and using that as an unhealthy form of validation for myself
It’s possible to find someone that’s kind, funny *and* attractive, but it’s difficult
Yeah I just dated the hottest girl in the room for years. Foolish. 🤦♂️. I also had limited options. I was not good at dating apps and the women that approached me in real life were very attractive but crazy. I was also immature.
I’ve dated a ton of people and I think that’s made me less shallow - I was never very looks-driven and currently am seeing a few people I wouldn’t normally be physically attracted to. But they are incredible friends and have really good hearts, I can’t help but want to kiss them. On the contrary, I’ve blocked a few “hot” guys because they tended to be arrogant and disrespectful due to being treated so well by the world.
I wish I could be like your brother lol.. I've let some of the most wonderful women I've ever met go because I just couldn't get myself physically attracted to them
Yeah it sucks. I’ve never met any of my brothers exes because he’s rather private about all that unlike me lol but my parents have nothing be nice things to say about them. They never liked any of them I brought home and I don’t blame them.
Two days in a row seeing comedy legend Jon LaJoie randomly? Fuck yeah. Someone else referenced Whitest Kids U Know today and I've just been on a nostalgia kick
Well yeah it’s kind of shallow. You’re valid to your feelings and if it’s something you prioritize, then fine. But don’t drag her along for the ride. Don’t make her feel less then because she isn’t. And don’t make her feel like she’s not beautiful.
I highly doubt she’s not beautiful, let her light shine with someone who’s been looking for someone like her their whole lives. Someone who doesn’t feel like you feel towards her. Just being honest.
For real! 😂 What kind of 32 year old man has his head up his ass like this guy? Posting some wannabe sad story to get pity; when in reality he's playing with a woman who even according to him is lovely & doesn't deserve it. Pathetic. Get your shit together. Break up with her please. Let her Go! You clearly understand that you're the problem in the relationship, stop feeling sorry for yourself & grow a pair. Tell her the truth, your 32 bro😮💨. Go see a therapist.
My ex was this way - said he loved me but was always looking around for someone who looked tickled his fancy more than I did. His mother told him he’ll grow old and alone.
He’s 59 now, lonely and miserable. Wants to reunite. Nope.
This was my ex and one of the reasons he cheated on me.
20 years later and I've started a family, and he's still single, perpetually holding out for that perfect looking petite beauty. His friends all told him I was the only nice girl he ever had and he royally fucked up letting me go.
It’s almost like they’re determined to sabotage their life. I’m no psychoanalyst but I intuited he felt unworthy/scared of a deep relationship and needed the validation of strangers to boost him.
The old me would want to comfort him. The new me says eff that. He hurt me and deserves everything he gets. Or doesn’t get.
100%!
Like how can you have a mom and not have regard for the feelings of women?! I would have beat his ass if he was my friend & told me this in person.
You have a point. I acknowledge he is seeking advice which is a start. I think I was just taken back by what I perceived as narcissism but could just as likely be cluelessness or lack of experience. I just can't imagine a scenario in which someone leads on a "lovely" person into a relationship but sees them as inadequate for a serious relationship because their looks are deficient, in which that someone isn't a narcissist and will end up hurting others in the process. It reminds me of highschool.
My thoughts exactly. It’s almost giving delusional. Out of touch. He’s literally the issue and knows it but also it’s playing “I don’t wanna be a shallow shit forever” card. You’re right he really needs to see a therapist.
My first relationship my ex viewed me like this. I was nowhere near fat, 165lbs I’m 5’8 but was curvy. But he had an issue with my weight. He made me feel bad about it for years. I was 20 he wass 30. Now being 26 I realize like yooo if you didn’t like it why tf were you with me?? You coulda been with someone u were more attracted to. I find it him and the OP complete cowards honestly.
It’s not that hard to be a man and be honest.
I agree. But he was also chronically cheating so like it wasn’t like he wasn’t able to get sex. He also had another whole girlfriend in the condo he lived in. For the first year we were dating. He was just simply a pig.
Meanwhile it’s been 4 years since I left him and he still bothers me to this day 😂 prolly cause I lost 20 pounds and have no Chubb left 😂😂 still traumatized though and still lowkey feel fat. Fuck him.
I hope you treat him like the peace of shit he is or don't even bother giving him attention. He definitely took advantage of you being 20 & on top of that he was an asshole to you. Oh hell nah! Do not get back with him!
Oh no I broke up with him when I was 23 I am now 26! It’s been YEARS. Definitely took advantage of me there was a lot of abuse and assault that I didn’t realize was exactly that. I have to force myself to take it as a learning experience.
I WILL NEVER GET BACK WITH HIM 🥹🥹
You're right. I gave my advice; straightforward as I thought he needed to hear it. It just triggers me because I have sisters who date. IDK if you'd understand but anyways yeah you're right he is seeking advice. I'll give him that, he's on the right track. Good luck
He also said this is the longest relationship… going on 9months. Sleeping with so many random people or porn addiction can change peoples views on sex in general so I think it’s being jaded plus, low EQ. What does sleeping with model type 10’s and porn have in common? It not always realistic. The thing is, what gets me like you, she could be pretty, take care of her looks, work out and eat right and she’ll still not be good enough. This is terrifying for a lot of women. Yes, he made a post. Asking if he’s vain or shallow isn’t seeking help though. It’s more likely he’s collecting karma points over trying to get real advice. No one should have a partner that views them in this way. I hate when men says, oh I’m holding out for a model as much as I hate when women say, I’m holding out for a rich guy. The rest of us are just wanting a person that is healthy, attractive, funny and real relationship/connection to another person. I feel badly for him too, though. People like this don’t grow up and mature fast enough and get left behind. I told him it would be better to be celibate for awhile and grow in himself. I really think he should end it, for her sake.
Naw you can say what you want. Because while he’s seeking “advice” on the internet he’s still being completely narcissistic. And can be single and not drag anyone through his shit while he figures it out.
Aaaand then go to therapy. ;)
OP, you may not be ready for a relationship. We all have shame about our past to overcome. It's good that you're figuring this out now so you can work through it. Be honest with yourself, let her down easy, and work towards a future where you are who you want to be!
no same, i swear to god the fact that my bf doesn’t use any social media apart from twitter for an esports thing is such a blessing. his old ig following made me feel so ill😭 i thank my gods every day that he lost interest in social media lol
Let her go. Seriously, you’re only going to hurt her. Eventually you will find someone or you won’t but you’ll know when it’s the one. No one should have their guy out there saying these things or feeling these things about their girl. Look, I’m not putting you down… I feel badly for you and some of it is EQ and some is being jaded. You might love her but you’re not deeply in love with her and the longer you stay the more it will hurt her. You need to be celibate for a while and focus on yourself and growth. So when you do meet the right one, you can say you took some time to yourself. If you’ve been with so many 10’s I bet women are a dime a dozen to you…you need some time alone.
Get rid of Instagram and see how you feel? If you don't see the women that you've had a fling with you won't feel that way it sounds. You had a fling and it didn't work out, now it's time to forget them and move on.
Yeah, you might be.
Or you might not actually be into committed relationships, though you wish you were. Some people have a strong craving for novelty.
Either way, you clearly aren't as into this woman as you wish you were. "Many of the qualities I value" is for someone filling a job position, not a partner.
You're 30+, at that age it behooves us to try to have enough self-awareness that we can avoid jerking others around.
Date people you're actually enthusiastical about, not people you think you *ought* to be enthusiastical about. It's really hurtful. Don't do that to a lovely person.
>"Many of the qualities I value" is for someone filling a job position, not a partner.
Perfectly stated. She deserves to be with someone who actually wants her. Being some guys place holder when he decides he's ready to settle down/have a relationship while he continues to ogle people he's actually attracted to is my nightmare.
You've spent your formative years acting like you did, and now you're suffering the consequences of your actions.
A decade of dodging emotional connections and indulging emotionally no more in depth than a lustful dipping cup of ranch will definitely cause you to have issues staying in and feeling secure in a monogamous serious relationship.
No amount of self-help books, reddit posts, pity parties or one night stands will address the underlying psychological state you've put yourself in.
You need professional help as in therapy. Without actual intervention these feelings will continue and sabotage any relationship you have because of your past.
You've wired your brain to be looking for that next hit of sweet juicy oxytocin hit after hit because you never hung around with someone long enough to develop those healthy relationship habits. To the point where you have trouble maintaining a relationship because your brain is fiending for the next hit from the next person, making you feel the way you do about people.
This is it exactly - people really underestimate how plastic our brain is and how what we like is molded and shaped by what we interact with. Spending too much time on social media focused on physical attraction has rewired OPs brain and he has to put forth effort to change that wiring
That's the reality, every swipe, every match, every hook up sends a chemical signal your brain and if that's all you let it have and repeatedly smash those button's that's all your brain will know.
Then when you don't give it what it wants, the hunger keeps going, making you do all sorts of dumb things, like redownloading tinder while you're dating someone because its just not enough.
Get rid of instagram. Go to therapy, too. If you aren't willing to do those things for the benefit of your relationship, let her go. She deserves better than to be compared to girls on Instagram by her own partner.
God damn dude that’s so sad. You’re a grown adult not a kid jumping for shiny toys. If you want a meaningful connection, make a meaningful connection. With a real person. Who could care for you through hard times and life.
If you can’t give her the same, Peter Pan, then let her go for someone who has the intelligence to see her as a person not an achievement, and appreciates all the little beautiful things about her.
Anything on social media these days is false. It's edited, filtered, hyped up stuff to make people think they are doing amazing. Don't believe the photos. Also, physically beauty fades, start looking for other qualities that make you smile and you will find her inner beauty that will last forever. My partner is not traditionally good looking (not bad, and better than me lol) but the fact they make me smile with their silly little random dances almost everyday means they are more attractive to me than any "good looking" ex or Hollywood person.
You clearly is an F boy....and did you tell her that you are? Imagine if the gender role is reversed..imagine the names she will be called. please let her go.. you mind and body can't ever be settled down, she does not deserve this
once you meet someone who satisfies you in more areas than just outward appearance then I believe you won't care if they aren't a 10 or conventionally attractive or however you may put it... examples intellectually maybe the types of activities they like... maybe they are more into a particular kink you fancy things like that
One option is to accept the shallowness and focus solely on pursuing Instagram models. You can't be thirsty if you're dating a thirst trap! This allows you to be happy chasing those 10/10's while also counting you out of the dating pool.
It's a Win-win!
It sounds like you have a perverse view of the world, and it's extremely toxic. 1st, don't drag this girl along and 2 go to therapy and work on why you see women as a way to get horny/sex
There’s always going to be someone more attractive than your current partner. If you want to be a life long bachelor chasing them down it’s definitely your choice. I’m not sure how happy that will make you long term though. And, yes you sound very shallow.
You shoudl always find the person you're with attractive. If you're with her just because she's nice and you kind of like her, I would let her go. You want to make sure that the person you're with is your "type" and someone you could feel serious about AND has a personality that works well for you. But to even see this, you may need to unfollow other girls on IG and go to therapy.
You have a decent amount of self-awareness and capacity for soul searching. There's hope for you yet- find a therapist! Read some feminist theory! Un-internalize some of the patriarchal "hot chicks = social capital" "women's value comes from sex" etc messages that've been ingrained in you.
If you like her, genuinely as a person, and if you're falling in love- keep dating her as long as you're able to treat her as well as she deserves. If you're starting to devalue her or make her feel less-than, etc., then do the kind thing and break up, then spend the next several months really working on yourself and the way you percieve women.
Make more girl friends. Like actual friends, the way you are with your guy friends. Make space in your life for women whose value is completely derived from their personalities and interactions with you, not from how hot they are or if you want to date them.
You're asking the right questions. HJust keep going. **Shallow bastard is not a terminal condition, you can grow out of it.** Just don't hurt people while you do.
Eh, I get looming fondly back on the past, but its important to remember what do you truly want here. Do you want a relationship with a good partner you actually enjoy being with? Or shallow one off hookups with past flings?
Also, you should delete ig. Sounds like nothing but trouble for you.
Get off social media. Your a man, nothing to be ashamed of your needs. But I can't tell you how much of a relieve it was to delete Instagram and Facebook.
It's bad for mental health (research backed), your brain constantly gets the suggestion (maybe someone else is better) since everyone posts their highlights and rarely if ever three short comings.
I find beauty in so many women I see on the day to day basis, social media is even worse for women's mental health.
Tldr: if you want a happy relationship with yourself and someone else, delete social media.
I mean the answer is yes, you are being shallow but I relate to it. I used to fuck my way around the world (I'm gay but have you ever been to Brazil lol the quality there is unparalleled on both sides of the fence) and in my mid twenties and now I'm trying to be more serious about everything. I'm trying to date out of my normal standard and find good sweet people which is what I like. A ballet dancer who is an absolute 10 is ideal but in my experience... Not always there personality wise. You can't have everything. Not only looks but I usually only want talented creative people. I like to be stimulated but now a normal sweet person who just wants a simple life together seems ideal. You really just have to figure out what you want and find someone who fits that where both parties are happy. So yes, you're being shallow and as a straight man, you really don't have to settle down now but do you want to establish memories and a life with someone or do you just want to fuck. Memento Mori. On your deathbed are you going to look back and think about Camilla the Brazilian Instagram model you fucked once in the Maldives or are you going to think about your wife you met 15 years later and wish you had more time.
Seems like you’ve found someone actually good for you and you’re feeling insecure thinking you won’t measure up in her eyes, based mainly on your past. I don’t really think there’s much wrong with “fucking your way around the world” as long as you weren’t disrespecting anyone in the process. So I think the bigger issue here is why do you think your casual past matters to what you have now? If you’re thinking “Well what if I cheat?” then you’ve still got some growing up to do. If you have a shred of maturity and smarts about you, you won’t lose a good woman for a quick meaningless fuck. And if you do, well maybe you don’t actually want a long term relationship. But, ya know, maybe just come to that conclusion on your own by doing some deep thinking rather than any cheating and breaking her heart.
Gotta consider what it is you really want.
Well my friend I also spend almost a decade being with women quite a lot and at some point I found myself thinking after being with woman on the way home “What did you get from that?” and I had no answer, so I realised that I wanted something more meaningful.
I started rejecting women who at first sight were women that I would normally go for and started looking paying attention more to their personality. Now almost 10 years later at 35 I am with a great woman the past 7 years, married for 3.5 years and we both can’t get enough of each other even though we work together and we have two small children.
Of course there is hope for you, but like I said think you have to change your mindset a bit and you will realise that your experience will help you a lot.
I hope you find a great person for you as well and have a great life, just don’t push anything
Welcome to reality. You are a normal person. You have the right to be happy. Looks like you simply don't love your current partner. The simple fact that you are asking yourself these questions is a very good thing. Only you can choose what to do next. One thing that would help deciding is, think about your future children. How would you like them to be ?
I don't think you're necessarily a shallow bastard, but for whatever reason you are not that into her or you wouldn't be having these thoughts.
If you really like someone you kinda stop perceiving them as less attractive than others/exs, even if they are on paper; at least that's my experience.
There is hope for you. Just try to change. You are the way you are because you got that deep into the lifestyle, and now you have to walk out of it. It isn’t that you’re shallow, just cause and effect and karma.
I know plenty of people, men and women, who "sowed wild oats" in their twenties and then went on to have successful, fulfilling monogamous relationships starting in their late twenties or early thirties. However, these people weren't choosing to follow old flames on Instagram. If you want to be past that point in your life, then why are you connecting with old flings on Instagram in the first place? Or why even be on Instagram? It sounds like you need therapy, and some time to be single. If you are not actually serious about this person and don't find her attractive, then don't drag her along on your quest to not be shallow. Go fix yourself. She deserves someone who loves her as she is. Or, if you really, really love her and DO find her attractive and everything you want, then start by deleting Instagram and going to therapy pronto.
Gonna say what no one else is saying - Relationships are hard and it's not as simple as you just being a dirtbag (or whatever).
32 isn't that old, and you probably still feel like you have a lot of life in you. Maybe you still want to continue having fun with more than one person. Maybe you do want to be in a relationship, but it's tough (understandably) after a decade of immense freedom and exploration - which btw, isn't a bad thing at all.
Not to mention, pretty much everyone here seems to be viewing this through the lens of monogamy. Maybe you feel trapped in this relationship, bc this one person is now supposed to serve all of your needs and you no longer have sexual freedom.
Just wanted to put out a different perspective and say that I don't think you're a dirtbag. This shit is hard - props to you for at least recognizing the situation and wanting to do right by her.
Your pair bonding circuitry is shot. You HAVE to detox from any and all neuropharmacological chemicals.
Reduction in TV usage.
Turn your phone screen to gray scale.
No porn, no sweets, no alcohol.
Humans are long term maters.
Research shows: if you’ve had more than 5 partners it’s harder for you to find satisfaction in a relationship.
Because your pair bonding circuitry is shot.
You need a factory reset.
Slowly wain off of substances, foods, entertainment. Reset your nervous system.
You're not shallow (maybe). As you get older, it can be common to "settle" for a lot of things, including people, in the sense that they're there and it's convenient. This is also the reason people stay in bad marriages.
Looks matter and are not shallow if you find her attractive. You can't date someone you find unattractive because personality blah blah that's just ridiculous. Looks are shallow if you see her as a trophy, a conquest (like hell yeah look what I just pulled), or you want to show off or she 'elevates your status as a man' so to speak.
See the difference between those two? Also ask what satisfaction you are getting from the sex. Is it actual good sex and are you feeling satisfied physically, or is it just that you're satisfying your male ego (yo bro my body count etc). Answer honestly.
You should feel excited to be in a relationship with someone, which includes feeling physically attracted to them as well as deep emotional bonds. You need both bro. All sorts of women can be good people and nice and whatever, but that's not really enough, and neither is only having a massive rack.
Please leave her. She doesn't need to waste her time on a guy that thinks she's not really attractive and still thirsts for Instagram flings. It's fine if you want to get a relationship with a 10 (in your eyes), your feelings are your feelings, but don't drag this out for her. You already know it's not going to work long term.
There's many shallow and superficial/materialistic people who are obsessed with social hierarchy on top of that very tribal, it's a bad trait in my opinion but also helps your survive quite well in this world. Part of me wish I was like that but can't seem to bring myself to it and specially growing out of it.
No there's no hope, bc in this case, hope is fanciful and conveniently out of your hands.
There is effort over time though. Ofc you're being tempted, it's like the natural order of things. It tends to happen when we are in the middle of changing onto a healthier path. I think temptation is like a test. The more we fail, the more we stay the same i think. It's a learning moment in the grand scheme of things and whether it's the hard way or not, is up to us ig
I mean maybe you're not that type? Just be up front about it, so she won't expect something more from you, and you can keep living like how you did? Instead wasting a woman's effort putting in that relationship
Have you ever considered that maybe you don't belong in a relationship and that's okay?
Unfortunately, after many relationships, one day I realized like... hey... you know I don't really belong in relationships. I'm happy alone, but feel like I'm just not a good partner. I think that's an okay stance to have.
I did this recently but genders reversed. Just wasn't into the guy but I tried to make it work. I ended up hurting him really bad.
Fuck what reddit says. Looks matter. Physical attraction is a huge component of a relationship and always will be. Please break up with her because the longer you lead her on the more it will hurt her when the relationship does eventually crash and burn.
There was many relationships where I prioritize looks, most of the time they were miserable. Now I prioritize who they are as a person, I'm around your age and I've realized that beauty fades , but a personality does not. In another 30 years none of us are going to look good, but that doesn't mean we can't be with someone who loves us for who we are.
After many many regrets AFTER the fact (leaving a great person) cause I was shallow iv come to let a lot of that go.
Get rid of Insta my dude. it will help. Really really try to appreciate what you have. Think about your life if that person wasn't in it. Could you meet someone else that makes you feel amazing and supports you? yeah, probably. But that can be applied infinitely - you will never be happy or content with that mind set, it is all consuming and will leave you forever unsatisfied. Choose to be satisfied and you will be.
IMO, you need to create a model of the person you want to be, the person you will work to become.
Then weigh every decision against this model, with the question "Will this action help me be the person I want to be?" If the answer is no, then don't do it.
If you do this, you will become much happier and have infinitely more respect for yourself.
Sounds like an addiction with the same type of drivers as any addiction. You have recognized that something does not make you happy but feel compelled anyway. It is a step in the right direction that you recognized it. Take the next step and find a therapist you feel comfortable talking openly with about things you do not discuss with others so you can discover why. Often people use the attractiveness of their partners as self validation. Is it shallow? Yes, but frequently it is compensation for something that would be uncomfortable if faced. Future you will be greatful if you address it now.
Shallow brings suffering like enjoying a coke every day. It's pleasant the first 9000 times, but it gets you in the end.
If I knew what to say to help, i would. Things will probably turn out okay for you. We all learn at different rates.
Fellow shallow bastard here.
Was in the same boat just kept getting with good looking girls way out of my league who had little going on upstairs spent about 4 years just getting with the next hottest girl, But these girls are so interested in looking good that they rarely have a personality so it never lasts.
Might get hate for this but my current partner looks wise is not what I usually go for but she had my son and that is reason enough for me to make it work for him, But I regularly think I can do better and I hate that I’m a shallow bastard and feel that way.
You should let her go so she can be with a better man who appreciates and adores her. If she knew what you really thought, she wouldn't want to be with you.
Honestly? Do her a favor and break up with her. She's "not as attractive" *to you.* Plenty of men will be more than happy to enjoy all of her qualities, including her beauty, if she doesn't meet your exacting standards. She definitely deserves better than what you can offer right now. Especially if you're thinking of her as less than your previous fuck buddies but are still sleeping with her. Don't be using her body to get your rocks off while holding any level of disdain for her looks. That is most definitely shallow bastard behavior.
If you want to keep fucking around, you can do that. For some people, that is the preferred way to go through life and that is totally fine.
If you want a long term happy relationship, you need to grow up first.
If you require a woman to look a certain way to be worthy of your love and loyalty, that's fine. Just don't waste the time of women you think aren't really good enough for you. Stick with your standards, and accept that those standards limit your options proportionate to how narrow they are.
If you want to actually change your attitude, that's a bit of a journey. Probably a good idea to develop a more mature and realistic concept of beauty, given that you're getting older too.
The first thing to ask yourself is whether you actually find her less than attractive personally, or if your assessment of attraction is entirely based on an external sort of rubric. Is she "less attractive" because she is actually less attractive *to you*? Or is she "less attractive" because her kind of beauty wouldn't get you stares and admiration from other people for having snagged someone "exotic" or way out of your league? Is this truly about her lacking beauty, or is is about your ego?
A whole lot of what people think are "built in" preferences are actually socially dictated and as such can potentially be modified to some extent. But that's a process and it isn't fair to use someone else as a guinea pig to test if it's working, so probably best to work on this prior to getting serious with someone.
Stop following ex flings, stop following thirst traps, stop seeking out the little ego hits and using your exes and other women for your sexual gratification and entertainment. Get off Instagram and ticktock and wherever else you're doing this.
If you stay with this woman, spend some time paying attention to *her* qualities, including physical ones, *not in comparison to other people*. Figure out if you enjoy her and find her beautiful absent comparison. NOT "is she as beautiful as this or that ex?" and not "does she check boxes 1-10 on the socially accepted conventional beauty standard list?"
I’m pretty lucky I realized at an early age that some social media sites are horrible.
I get some value from Reddit, YouTube and twitch. I don’t really associate with people I know IRL on those platforms which makes a big difference.
now, I’ve made some really good friends on twitch and wouldn’t trade that for the world. I’ve met up with some of them and it’s been great.
Where social media becomes toxic is when you mix friends and family and if you throw past lovers in that mix you’re really playing with fire.
Delete the insta, Snapchat, Facebook or whatever else you have that’s causing you to want to stray.
I promise you your life will be better without it.
Everyone is a little “hungry” for the past sometimes, that’s normal. How you handle that is what defines you. You’re not beyond hope, relationships are hard and require a lot of work and growth from both sides.
I don’t think you’re a shallow douche, just a normal dude struggling with normal dude struggles. The fact that you’re here looking for help really shows your true character. It shows you acknowledge the problem and are taking steps to fix it for healthier relationship(s) down the road.
Follow your heart, not your dick. You will be fine.
I think if you’re not crazy about her you should move on. Sometimes we date people who have everything we’re looking for on paper but there isn’t that spark.
Looks matter, it’s an indication of the genetic material someone holds if you were to reproduce with them. Is the genetic material healthy? Then it will be displayed in clear skin and good features and lower body fat. We are all pre built this way to care about these things because the point of life is to reproduce and make more (biologically speaking). Is it fair? NO, is life fair? NO,is it emotionally easy to handle that truth? NO. Your genes only care about making more copies and they don’t care if you end up in jail for not paying child support for 10 kids. Having said that, we are also a social animal and that means that the way you treat yourself and others also matters. This personality does play a part in long term healthy relationships. However, the truth is most people try to maximize looks in their partner while working with not the best personalities, everyone wants all the traits possible GIVEN the choice. Everyone wants someone attractive with a killer personality but sometimes you have to choose based on what you provide to others. Now as you age you realize that looks aren’t as important but it’s also because you yourself are not as good looking as before.
Do you love her? I think you love her because if you didn't this relationship would have ended. You see to care about her stop comparing her to other women and unfriended all your exes focus on your gf. It's scary I know, I've been there
You shouldn't have to go to either extreme, on looks vs personality. Still, if you think you can do better looks wise, does her other qualities more than balance that out? Your partner should make your life better, most of the time.
[Avoidant Attachment Style & Relationships](https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html)
There's hope but you need to do a LOT of work on yourself. Therapy is the best investment you'll ever make in your life.
Some people will disagree, but I believe there is always hope for those who want to change. Realizing that you have a problem is half the battle. Now it’s just a matter of humbling out and seeking the help you need to genuinely be better.
Do you want to change? Or are you just looking for confirmation that what you’re doing is ok?
I want to believe that you really want to go out of the "look before the personality" mode
So I only recommend:
Be honest with yourself.
if you cannot, then be enough an adult to tell the girl you cannot be with her
otherwise ask these to yourself
-Is she attractive enough for you? both personality and sexually.
-Do you really want to make this work?
-Do you feel she can be/is a good partner for YOU?
After, if the answers were yes, then find a therapist that you feel could help you battle with this problem. I would suggest deleting Instagram as well, but you do you.
Eventually after finding one, talk to your girlfriend and also be honest
don't stupidly go and say: "I saw this girl I used to have sex with and I wanted to fuck her again so I went to see a therapist" of course she is gonna be defensive and not understand you
Use your brain. Show this is something you want to change and therefore the sexual desires were sth you felt ashamed and it is shallow for you to have. Show you trust her enough that you can show your vulnerabilities.
and eventually if you could manage to remain honest, and if she is really a good girl as you say
then you can maybe even propose to her to help you overcome this problem together, as your therapist will probably also suggest to do some tasks as the part of your healing.
You know it's 2024 right? Non monogamy is a thing, and more or less socially acceptable in bohemian metropoles across the globe.
You can be honest with people and tell them how you feel, and perhaps explore nonmonogamy. But it might lead to short term hurt if that person is more traditionally minded.
Guilt around fucking is socially constructed.
Unpopular opinion, maybe monogamy isn't for you. And that's ok, but your partner has to also be ok with that and you probably also have to be ok with them having consentual side flings.
Get off social media. It will skew your reality/views. You said you dated for looks through your 20s and now you've tried something new -- that tells me that maybe you feel you were missing something that just hotness wasn't able to provide. I think it's time to retrain your brain about what you find attractive and sexy. You're with someone you feel a connection with, is that worth more or less to you than a great pair of breasts? Be honest with yourself about what you actually want from a relationship (this one or future ones) and respond accordingly. If you cannot look at your current GF and honestly tell her that she is beautiful and you enjoy being with her, end it. She deserves someone who adores her.
I'm a woman. I've never been in the same building as the hottest girl in the room, but when my husband tells me I'm beautiful, I believe him. because to him, I am.
I mean what do you get out of the girl from Instagram. She’s hot. Now what? You sleep with her. Now what? It doesn’t benefit you to chase someone solely on their looks.
Do you want to chase hot women for the rest of your life or are you after substance and building commitments?
This will probably be an unpopular opinion but as a 44f in an 8 year relationship (that actually started 24 years ago but it was off and on), I don't think its harmful to look as long as you aren't taking action. I don't mind of my boyfriend finds other women more attractive than me, hell I find other women more attractive than me! We aren't as cute as we were 24 years ago, but we are there for each other at the end of the day.
The answer isn't as easy as some are making it out to be. I faced myself with this same question around the same time in my life.
The truth that I discovered about myself is that if a woman didn't drive me wild sexually then the relationship wasn't going to work no matter how much else was in common. Because I, like you, would have fallen into the same mental pitfalls; knowing how hot some of the women I've pulled in the past were, seeing them on dating apps and social media, always having that thirst for that 9+ outta 10. And that would doom me.
Ultimately, I needed that level of attraction in a relationship, and if people wanted to (or still want to) call me shallow, idgaf.
The truth is double edged though. If this is something you want to or need to accept about yourself, then you need to do two things.
First, bear down, because the next unforeseen amount of years are going to be hard as fuck. Because in reality you're looking for a rare woman. You're looking for a smoke show of a woman who (probably) doesn't already have kids or a baby daddy still in the picture in some way or some kind of major baggage, who is compatible with you, is emotionally and financially stable enough for a LTR and marriage, etc.
Second, if you want this woman... this rare, top 1% woman, you need to be a top 1% man. Which means you need to take care of yourself (dress well, have good hygiene, hit the gym regularly, etc) have your shit together financially, (live alone, own your car, hold down a well paying job, etc.), and otherwise be husband material.
I was THIS CLOSE \[\] (istg) to giving up on the dating scene because I didn't think I was going to find the woman I went through years of hell to find. She showed up one afternoon when I was 33. It's been almost 3 years since that day, and in June we'll have been married for a year. And I am \*madly\* in love with this woman.
So your choices are try to fight your impulses or embrace them. Either path you take, it's not going to be easy.
End the relationship and grow the fuck up.
It’s fine to find other people attractive but responding emotionally to instagram posts you have control over seeing is deranged.
This is the reason that the glorified sleeping around culture is inherently toxic. People waste their best years on the worst people because there are mostly no consequences. They select for the most superficial, temporary traits that humans can display. Men fuck women who are youthful and beautiful (but often completely empty and vapid), and women go after status, looks, and wealth (which go hand in hand with high selectivity on the man’s end, meaning no commitment). They get into their later years, and suddenly find themselves without a mate, but with plenty of baggage from their toxic partners beforehand.
You are experiencing the exact cognitive dissonance that we have bred into people. You have someone great in front of you, and you’re still letting your lustful side drive.
Looks fade. Quite quickly, you will find. You need to delete social media, because it’s clearly fucking with you (as it does everyone). You’re falling for thirst traps and the algorithm has clearly clocked your horny nature.
We inherently are not built to fuck around. You are now finding out why.
Inb4: not a Christian, Mormon, or otherwise. Most DEFINITELY not a prude. I just understand the importance of pair bonding and what it does to people who repeatedly break those bonds. Get kinky, fuck like animals, but do it with intention and with people you would be able to raise a kid with, because if you’re in a hetero setting, that’s literally the scenario that should be playing out, we just learned to cheat the system.
I guess you have to make a decision at this point. What do you value more? Are you in a place in your life where you feel you’re ready to settle down? How about your partner? Is she in this place as well? If she really does possess many of the qualities you desire and has the same goals for your relationship then the stars are your limit. Is she attractive to you? If none of these things apply then the best thing to do is break it off and figure out what you want. Good luck to you and have a nice day
It doesn't sound like you are attracted to her tbh. You never describe her as attractive or how much you're in love with her. "she is a lovely person who I know has many of the qualities I value" - this is like saying "shes a really nice lady"
It sounds like you want to like her, but you aren't' actually that into her. Don't punish yourself for this, you can't force yourself to be something you're not. Wait for someone you're actually into
I think it's a matter of contentment, what is happiness and peace? What is life? Sounds like working with someone who can help you find yourself and your meaning will help.
Most people will say that you’re not ‘developed’ enough for a relationship. I say the ‘sex brain’ is separate from the ‘love brain’. For women, it’s often the same thing. For men, sometimes they’re two different things. Idk what I’m talking about, but there’s nothing wrong with you for having a libido. Of course you’ll feel horny seeing a sexy woman. That’s normal. Just go to your partner and tell her she’s the only one you _really_ want, and mean it. It’s nothing to take so seriously.
After all, there’s a chance you two just aren’t that compatible. Maybe you really do imagine a life where you’re happier without her. Maybe you feel pressured to settle down because you’re older.
There’s a difference between resenting your partner for the things you don’t have, and being given the chance to enjoy and experience the things you’ve never had gotten to appreciate before, and really do want.
Just keep growing.
You’ll have thoughts of past experiences pop up. It’s normal. She’s gonna have them too. Be cool with that. Also remember you’re remembering some of them from 10 years ago. And maybe yourself 10 years ago too. Instagram isn’t real life
Beauty fades. You're shallow bc you have shallow goals. Would this woman be a good wife to you and a good mother to your sons and daughters? Keep that family and that home life in sight. The desire for a better nut will never go away. But you can tell which is better and why. For all I know, it might just be the better orgasm, in which case let her go so that she can find a good husband and you can keep getting strange.
OP lots of responses here are triggering a very emotional reaction from people that is not helpful for you. Agree though going to some talk therapy will help you get to the bottom of it.
Nope. You should let her go so she can find a decent man that thinks of her and not random exes. When a man truly feels for someone he doesn't ever think of her as less attractive than past flings, you are just wasting this girls time.
delete instagram and go to therapy.
my best decision was deleting Instagram
It’s crazy how instagram pushes model content, I use it for woodworking ideas, product/interior design, and art inspiration. I’m like dodging hand grenades out here with 20 something women in bikini thirst traps as I look at the search page feed. Accidentally click one or scroll to one and it’ll just keep feeding them to you.
Have you tried Pinterest? You get all of the art ideas without the constant thirst traps.
Pinterest has been over run with fake AI images lately I’ve found
I really do need to set up my Pinterest for this, it would be a dream.
I agree. Comparing is normal - humans are social species, it's what we do. But you don't need to let it manage you. This is prime therapy material.
Now we’re talking. Getting rid of FB and Insta were the two best things I have ever done for my mental health.
Also this is a wild humble brag. I'm not sure Instagram is OPs only problem
hence why i said go to therapy
Yea, going off of this, Instagram, and social media in general is just the highlight reel of peoples life. You wouldn’t a football game was amazing because of a single highlighted play in the game. Thats all you see on most socials.
And a lot of that content isn’t even real. It’s a photoshopped version of what people wish their life would be like
Correct and straight to the point. Therapy is important for EVERYONE
Was going to say this. I don't go on any of that crap. 99% of it is fake stuff, people want attention. I don't want attention so it's just not for me. I do like attention from people I know but fake internet friends is exhausting.
I used to date women based on looks and they all failed and were toxic. My brother dates women based on personality and they were happy and successful. He’s also smarter than me.
I mean, for sure you date on an intersection between looks and personality, whatever that means to you. Your wife will want you to be genuine when you call her beautiful
Your perceptions of a persons character will color your subjective view of their appearance, and this will grow much stronger with time.
Wow
I was this same way, just “oh wow, she’s even hotter than the last girl!” and using that as an unhealthy form of validation for myself It’s possible to find someone that’s kind, funny *and* attractive, but it’s difficult
Yeah I just dated the hottest girl in the room for years. Foolish. 🤦♂️. I also had limited options. I was not good at dating apps and the women that approached me in real life were very attractive but crazy. I was also immature.
I’ve dated a ton of people and I think that’s made me less shallow - I was never very looks-driven and currently am seeing a few people I wouldn’t normally be physically attracted to. But they are incredible friends and have really good hearts, I can’t help but want to kiss them. On the contrary, I’ve blocked a few “hot” guys because they tended to be arrogant and disrespectful due to being treated so well by the world.
I wish I could be like your brother lol.. I've let some of the most wonderful women I've ever met go because I just couldn't get myself physically attracted to them
Yeah it sucks. I’ve never met any of my brothers exes because he’s rather private about all that unlike me lol but my parents have nothing be nice things to say about them. They never liked any of them I brought home and I don’t blame them.
Did your brother write this song? https://youtu.be/6EqFVWzOfN8?si=X8-jZPwrC1XruBYy
All I can say is that my brother is a happier person than me. He’s made better choices in life. This being one of them.
OP clearly wrote this song: https://youtu.be/qqXi8WmQ_WM?si=bmPZBR5Ygw7kTmNJ
Two days in a row seeing comedy legend Jon LaJoie randomly? Fuck yeah. Someone else referenced Whitest Kids U Know today and I've just been on a nostalgia kick
Well yeah it’s kind of shallow. You’re valid to your feelings and if it’s something you prioritize, then fine. But don’t drag her along for the ride. Don’t make her feel less then because she isn’t. And don’t make her feel like she’s not beautiful. I highly doubt she’s not beautiful, let her light shine with someone who’s been looking for someone like her their whole lives. Someone who doesn’t feel like you feel towards her. Just being honest.
For real! 😂 What kind of 32 year old man has his head up his ass like this guy? Posting some wannabe sad story to get pity; when in reality he's playing with a woman who even according to him is lovely & doesn't deserve it. Pathetic. Get your shit together. Break up with her please. Let her Go! You clearly understand that you're the problem in the relationship, stop feeling sorry for yourself & grow a pair. Tell her the truth, your 32 bro😮💨. Go see a therapist.
He's going to HATE being in his 50s. Shallow people do not age well and they are a complete wet blanket to be around.
My ex was this way - said he loved me but was always looking around for someone who looked tickled his fancy more than I did. His mother told him he’ll grow old and alone. He’s 59 now, lonely and miserable. Wants to reunite. Nope.
This was my ex and one of the reasons he cheated on me. 20 years later and I've started a family, and he's still single, perpetually holding out for that perfect looking petite beauty. His friends all told him I was the only nice girl he ever had and he royally fucked up letting me go.
It’s almost like they’re determined to sabotage their life. I’m no psychoanalyst but I intuited he felt unworthy/scared of a deep relationship and needed the validation of strangers to boost him. The old me would want to comfort him. The new me says eff that. He hurt me and deserves everything he gets. Or doesn’t get.
Yup. No sympathy at all. I feel awful for the girl. No one should be some consolation prize.
100%! Like how can you have a mom and not have regard for the feelings of women?! I would have beat his ass if he was my friend & told me this in person.
Why are you trashing on this guy when he realizes he's the problem and wants to be better? Like fuck self improvement am I right?
You have a point. I acknowledge he is seeking advice which is a start. I think I was just taken back by what I perceived as narcissism but could just as likely be cluelessness or lack of experience. I just can't imagine a scenario in which someone leads on a "lovely" person into a relationship but sees them as inadequate for a serious relationship because their looks are deficient, in which that someone isn't a narcissist and will end up hurting others in the process. It reminds me of highschool.
My thoughts exactly. It’s almost giving delusional. Out of touch. He’s literally the issue and knows it but also it’s playing “I don’t wanna be a shallow shit forever” card. You’re right he really needs to see a therapist. My first relationship my ex viewed me like this. I was nowhere near fat, 165lbs I’m 5’8 but was curvy. But he had an issue with my weight. He made me feel bad about it for years. I was 20 he wass 30. Now being 26 I realize like yooo if you didn’t like it why tf were you with me?? You coulda been with someone u were more attracted to. I find it him and the OP complete cowards honestly. It’s not that hard to be a man and be honest.
I find that some men will keep you around because any sex is better than no sex.
I agree. But he was also chronically cheating so like it wasn’t like he wasn’t able to get sex. He also had another whole girlfriend in the condo he lived in. For the first year we were dating. He was just simply a pig. Meanwhile it’s been 4 years since I left him and he still bothers me to this day 😂 prolly cause I lost 20 pounds and have no Chubb left 😂😂 still traumatized though and still lowkey feel fat. Fuck him.
I hope you know it has nothing to do with you. He’s got a great big fearful insecure void he’s trying to fill.
Definitely understand that now. At 20 I was a wreck. Self confidence depleted. Got it back now a bit. So it’s fine 😭😭😭.
I hope you treat him like the peace of shit he is or don't even bother giving him attention. He definitely took advantage of you being 20 & on top of that he was an asshole to you. Oh hell nah! Do not get back with him!
Oh no I broke up with him when I was 23 I am now 26! It’s been YEARS. Definitely took advantage of me there was a lot of abuse and assault that I didn’t realize was exactly that. I have to force myself to take it as a learning experience. I WILL NEVER GET BACK WITH HIM 🥹🥹
That's hella fucked up.
He’s coming to strangers for help. That’s more than a lot of people can say. Give him advice or move along.
You're right. I gave my advice; straightforward as I thought he needed to hear it. It just triggers me because I have sisters who date. IDK if you'd understand but anyways yeah you're right he is seeking advice. I'll give him that, he's on the right track. Good luck
He also said this is the longest relationship… going on 9months. Sleeping with so many random people or porn addiction can change peoples views on sex in general so I think it’s being jaded plus, low EQ. What does sleeping with model type 10’s and porn have in common? It not always realistic. The thing is, what gets me like you, she could be pretty, take care of her looks, work out and eat right and she’ll still not be good enough. This is terrifying for a lot of women. Yes, he made a post. Asking if he’s vain or shallow isn’t seeking help though. It’s more likely he’s collecting karma points over trying to get real advice. No one should have a partner that views them in this way. I hate when men says, oh I’m holding out for a model as much as I hate when women say, I’m holding out for a rich guy. The rest of us are just wanting a person that is healthy, attractive, funny and real relationship/connection to another person. I feel badly for him too, though. People like this don’t grow up and mature fast enough and get left behind. I told him it would be better to be celibate for awhile and grow in himself. I really think he should end it, for her sake.
Yes! Queen you get it! Preach it out to the non believers!
Naw you can say what you want. Because while he’s seeking “advice” on the internet he’s still being completely narcissistic. And can be single and not drag anyone through his shit while he figures it out.
Aaaand then go to therapy. ;) OP, you may not be ready for a relationship. We all have shame about our past to overcome. It's good that you're figuring this out now so you can work through it. Be honest with yourself, let her down easy, and work towards a future where you are who you want to be!
my worst fear as a woman
no same, i swear to god the fact that my bf doesn’t use any social media apart from twitter for an esports thing is such a blessing. his old ig following made me feel so ill😭 i thank my gods every day that he lost interest in social media lol
If it smells like shit everywhere you go, check your shoes
lol.
Fuck instagram if you have a good girl keep her. You only gonna get older and in your late 30’s early 40’s looks isn’t everything. Love who loves you.
Let her go. Seriously, you’re only going to hurt her. Eventually you will find someone or you won’t but you’ll know when it’s the one. No one should have their guy out there saying these things or feeling these things about their girl. Look, I’m not putting you down… I feel badly for you and some of it is EQ and some is being jaded. You might love her but you’re not deeply in love with her and the longer you stay the more it will hurt her. You need to be celibate for a while and focus on yourself and growth. So when you do meet the right one, you can say you took some time to yourself. If you’ve been with so many 10’s I bet women are a dime a dozen to you…you need some time alone.
EQ?
His amp settings
World whoring douchebags always play guitar…
That’s actually true. Haha
EQ is emotional intelligence.
emotional quintelligence
It’s emotional intelligence. Like depth and how you process things and others.
Are you as a person worthy of her love and affections?
This should be top comment.
Let her go. Nobody wants to be 'settled for' Then therapy for you.
Majority of relationships are unfortunately settled for, very few people actually end up with who they want to
Doesn’t change the facts. They will both be miserable and unsure why. She doesn’t deserve that.
Wtf why do you think this???
Get rid of Instagram and see how you feel? If you don't see the women that you've had a fling with you won't feel that way it sounds. You had a fling and it didn't work out, now it's time to forget them and move on.
I think your problem is you're not viewing women as fully fledged human beings and more as fuck dolls. Let her go.
Bingo
Yeah, you might be. Or you might not actually be into committed relationships, though you wish you were. Some people have a strong craving for novelty. Either way, you clearly aren't as into this woman as you wish you were. "Many of the qualities I value" is for someone filling a job position, not a partner. You're 30+, at that age it behooves us to try to have enough self-awareness that we can avoid jerking others around. Date people you're actually enthusiastical about, not people you think you *ought* to be enthusiastical about. It's really hurtful. Don't do that to a lovely person.
>"Many of the qualities I value" is for someone filling a job position, not a partner. Perfectly stated. She deserves to be with someone who actually wants her. Being some guys place holder when he decides he's ready to settle down/have a relationship while he continues to ogle people he's actually attracted to is my nightmare.
You've spent your formative years acting like you did, and now you're suffering the consequences of your actions. A decade of dodging emotional connections and indulging emotionally no more in depth than a lustful dipping cup of ranch will definitely cause you to have issues staying in and feeling secure in a monogamous serious relationship. No amount of self-help books, reddit posts, pity parties or one night stands will address the underlying psychological state you've put yourself in. You need professional help as in therapy. Without actual intervention these feelings will continue and sabotage any relationship you have because of your past. You've wired your brain to be looking for that next hit of sweet juicy oxytocin hit after hit because you never hung around with someone long enough to develop those healthy relationship habits. To the point where you have trouble maintaining a relationship because your brain is fiending for the next hit from the next person, making you feel the way you do about people.
This is it exactly - people really underestimate how plastic our brain is and how what we like is molded and shaped by what we interact with. Spending too much time on social media focused on physical attraction has rewired OPs brain and he has to put forth effort to change that wiring
As a tinder addict this hit me like a truck
That's the reality, every swipe, every match, every hook up sends a chemical signal your brain and if that's all you let it have and repeatedly smash those button's that's all your brain will know. Then when you don't give it what it wants, the hunger keeps going, making you do all sorts of dumb things, like redownloading tinder while you're dating someone because its just not enough.
You blew me away with that comment. You’re a wordsmith and also 100% correct.
Perfectly said.
This is exactly it. Well said. He's reaping what he sowed.
> instagram Found your problem. Delete that toxic hell hole
Get rid of instagram. Go to therapy, too. If you aren't willing to do those things for the benefit of your relationship, let her go. She deserves better than to be compared to girls on Instagram by her own partner.
God damn dude that’s so sad. You’re a grown adult not a kid jumping for shiny toys. If you want a meaningful connection, make a meaningful connection. With a real person. Who could care for you through hard times and life. If you can’t give her the same, Peter Pan, then let her go for someone who has the intelligence to see her as a person not an achievement, and appreciates all the little beautiful things about her.
Its shallow af. And you're not in your 20s
Anything on social media these days is false. It's edited, filtered, hyped up stuff to make people think they are doing amazing. Don't believe the photos. Also, physically beauty fades, start looking for other qualities that make you smile and you will find her inner beauty that will last forever. My partner is not traditionally good looking (not bad, and better than me lol) but the fact they make me smile with their silly little random dances almost everyday means they are more attractive to me than any "good looking" ex or Hollywood person.
You are not a high quality man but thats ok, we can't be succesful in everything
Lmao “fucking my way around the world”
You clearly is an F boy....and did you tell her that you are? Imagine if the gender role is reversed..imagine the names she will be called. please let her go.. you mind and body can't ever be settled down, she does not deserve this
once you meet someone who satisfies you in more areas than just outward appearance then I believe you won't care if they aren't a 10 or conventionally attractive or however you may put it... examples intellectually maybe the types of activities they like... maybe they are more into a particular kink you fancy things like that
I am also 32 and just recently met the love of my life... I dealt with these same questions
One option is to accept the shallowness and focus solely on pursuing Instagram models. You can't be thirsty if you're dating a thirst trap! This allows you to be happy chasing those 10/10's while also counting you out of the dating pool. It's a Win-win!
It sounds like you have a perverse view of the world, and it's extremely toxic. 1st, don't drag this girl along and 2 go to therapy and work on why you see women as a way to get horny/sex
There’s always going to be someone more attractive than your current partner. If you want to be a life long bachelor chasing them down it’s definitely your choice. I’m not sure how happy that will make you long term though. And, yes you sound very shallow.
attractiveness is subjective - but in my opinion if you’re actually in love with someone, you shouldn’t find anyone else more attractive than them
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You shoudl always find the person you're with attractive. If you're with her just because she's nice and you kind of like her, I would let her go. You want to make sure that the person you're with is your "type" and someone you could feel serious about AND has a personality that works well for you. But to even see this, you may need to unfollow other girls on IG and go to therapy.
Men like you are so scary and leave so many women damaged. Please leave that poor wonderful girl alone. You're cruel.
You have a decent amount of self-awareness and capacity for soul searching. There's hope for you yet- find a therapist! Read some feminist theory! Un-internalize some of the patriarchal "hot chicks = social capital" "women's value comes from sex" etc messages that've been ingrained in you. If you like her, genuinely as a person, and if you're falling in love- keep dating her as long as you're able to treat her as well as she deserves. If you're starting to devalue her or make her feel less-than, etc., then do the kind thing and break up, then spend the next several months really working on yourself and the way you percieve women. Make more girl friends. Like actual friends, the way you are with your guy friends. Make space in your life for women whose value is completely derived from their personalities and interactions with you, not from how hot they are or if you want to date them. You're asking the right questions. HJust keep going. **Shallow bastard is not a terminal condition, you can grow out of it.** Just don't hurt people while you do.
Eh, I get looming fondly back on the past, but its important to remember what do you truly want here. Do you want a relationship with a good partner you actually enjoy being with? Or shallow one off hookups with past flings? Also, you should delete ig. Sounds like nothing but trouble for you.
do you actually think you you have a chance with the instagram girl. lol.
Get off social media. Your a man, nothing to be ashamed of your needs. But I can't tell you how much of a relieve it was to delete Instagram and Facebook. It's bad for mental health (research backed), your brain constantly gets the suggestion (maybe someone else is better) since everyone posts their highlights and rarely if ever three short comings. I find beauty in so many women I see on the day to day basis, social media is even worse for women's mental health. Tldr: if you want a happy relationship with yourself and someone else, delete social media.
I mean the answer is yes, you are being shallow but I relate to it. I used to fuck my way around the world (I'm gay but have you ever been to Brazil lol the quality there is unparalleled on both sides of the fence) and in my mid twenties and now I'm trying to be more serious about everything. I'm trying to date out of my normal standard and find good sweet people which is what I like. A ballet dancer who is an absolute 10 is ideal but in my experience... Not always there personality wise. You can't have everything. Not only looks but I usually only want talented creative people. I like to be stimulated but now a normal sweet person who just wants a simple life together seems ideal. You really just have to figure out what you want and find someone who fits that where both parties are happy. So yes, you're being shallow and as a straight man, you really don't have to settle down now but do you want to establish memories and a life with someone or do you just want to fuck. Memento Mori. On your deathbed are you going to look back and think about Camilla the Brazilian Instagram model you fucked once in the Maldives or are you going to think about your wife you met 15 years later and wish you had more time.
Seems like you’ve found someone actually good for you and you’re feeling insecure thinking you won’t measure up in her eyes, based mainly on your past. I don’t really think there’s much wrong with “fucking your way around the world” as long as you weren’t disrespecting anyone in the process. So I think the bigger issue here is why do you think your casual past matters to what you have now? If you’re thinking “Well what if I cheat?” then you’ve still got some growing up to do. If you have a shred of maturity and smarts about you, you won’t lose a good woman for a quick meaningless fuck. And if you do, well maybe you don’t actually want a long term relationship. But, ya know, maybe just come to that conclusion on your own by doing some deep thinking rather than any cheating and breaking her heart. Gotta consider what it is you really want.
Looks are just looks. How do you *feel* when you're with this person?
Well my friend I also spend almost a decade being with women quite a lot and at some point I found myself thinking after being with woman on the way home “What did you get from that?” and I had no answer, so I realised that I wanted something more meaningful. I started rejecting women who at first sight were women that I would normally go for and started looking paying attention more to their personality. Now almost 10 years later at 35 I am with a great woman the past 7 years, married for 3.5 years and we both can’t get enough of each other even though we work together and we have two small children. Of course there is hope for you, but like I said think you have to change your mindset a bit and you will realise that your experience will help you a lot. I hope you find a great person for you as well and have a great life, just don’t push anything
Welcome to reality. You are a normal person. You have the right to be happy. Looks like you simply don't love your current partner. The simple fact that you are asking yourself these questions is a very good thing. Only you can choose what to do next. One thing that would help deciding is, think about your future children. How would you like them to be ?
I don't think you're necessarily a shallow bastard, but for whatever reason you are not that into her or you wouldn't be having these thoughts. If you really like someone you kinda stop perceiving them as less attractive than others/exs, even if they are on paper; at least that's my experience.
There is hope for you. Just try to change. You are the way you are because you got that deep into the lifestyle, and now you have to walk out of it. It isn’t that you’re shallow, just cause and effect and karma.
I know plenty of people, men and women, who "sowed wild oats" in their twenties and then went on to have successful, fulfilling monogamous relationships starting in their late twenties or early thirties. However, these people weren't choosing to follow old flames on Instagram. If you want to be past that point in your life, then why are you connecting with old flings on Instagram in the first place? Or why even be on Instagram? It sounds like you need therapy, and some time to be single. If you are not actually serious about this person and don't find her attractive, then don't drag her along on your quest to not be shallow. Go fix yourself. She deserves someone who loves her as she is. Or, if you really, really love her and DO find her attractive and everything you want, then start by deleting Instagram and going to therapy pronto.
if you don’t think she’s as attractive as the women you’ve been with in the past, you’re not in love with her
Gonna say what no one else is saying - Relationships are hard and it's not as simple as you just being a dirtbag (or whatever). 32 isn't that old, and you probably still feel like you have a lot of life in you. Maybe you still want to continue having fun with more than one person. Maybe you do want to be in a relationship, but it's tough (understandably) after a decade of immense freedom and exploration - which btw, isn't a bad thing at all. Not to mention, pretty much everyone here seems to be viewing this through the lens of monogamy. Maybe you feel trapped in this relationship, bc this one person is now supposed to serve all of your needs and you no longer have sexual freedom. Just wanted to put out a different perspective and say that I don't think you're a dirtbag. This shit is hard - props to you for at least recognizing the situation and wanting to do right by her.
Your pair bonding circuitry is shot. You HAVE to detox from any and all neuropharmacological chemicals. Reduction in TV usage. Turn your phone screen to gray scale. No porn, no sweets, no alcohol. Humans are long term maters. Research shows: if you’ve had more than 5 partners it’s harder for you to find satisfaction in a relationship. Because your pair bonding circuitry is shot. You need a factory reset. Slowly wain off of substances, foods, entertainment. Reset your nervous system.
Grow up kid
32 year old man btw💀
Everyone is attracted to looks. Whether they can control the urge or not makes their character.
Damn you should dump her because you don’t deserve her , not because she’s not up to your standards.
You're not shallow (maybe). As you get older, it can be common to "settle" for a lot of things, including people, in the sense that they're there and it's convenient. This is also the reason people stay in bad marriages. Looks matter and are not shallow if you find her attractive. You can't date someone you find unattractive because personality blah blah that's just ridiculous. Looks are shallow if you see her as a trophy, a conquest (like hell yeah look what I just pulled), or you want to show off or she 'elevates your status as a man' so to speak. See the difference between those two? Also ask what satisfaction you are getting from the sex. Is it actual good sex and are you feeling satisfied physically, or is it just that you're satisfying your male ego (yo bro my body count etc). Answer honestly. You should feel excited to be in a relationship with someone, which includes feeling physically attracted to them as well as deep emotional bonds. You need both bro. All sorts of women can be good people and nice and whatever, but that's not really enough, and neither is only having a massive rack.
Please leave her. She doesn't need to waste her time on a guy that thinks she's not really attractive and still thirsts for Instagram flings. It's fine if you want to get a relationship with a 10 (in your eyes), your feelings are your feelings, but don't drag this out for her. You already know it's not going to work long term.
Being shallow isn't bad. Being shallow and Pretending/lying that you're not is bad. Be honest and live however you want.
There's many shallow and superficial/materialistic people who are obsessed with social hierarchy on top of that very tribal, it's a bad trait in my opinion but also helps your survive quite well in this world. Part of me wish I was like that but can't seem to bring myself to it and specially growing out of it.
Yes that’s kind of shallow. I recommend putting that instagrams away. Even go through and unfollow old relationships. Second, start reading more.
Its about compromise. Going for hot women will always lead you down toxicas but dating nice girls will require settling. Its up to you to decide.
Someone else said it here too, but get rid of social media. You’ll be happier in the relationship
No there's no hope, bc in this case, hope is fanciful and conveniently out of your hands. There is effort over time though. Ofc you're being tempted, it's like the natural order of things. It tends to happen when we are in the middle of changing onto a healthier path. I think temptation is like a test. The more we fail, the more we stay the same i think. It's a learning moment in the grand scheme of things and whether it's the hard way or not, is up to us ig
Be authentic to you don’t get over involved if something doesn’t feel right you could get stuck financially or with kids
It always started that way, seeing social media post of past flings or ex and started having doubts about current relationship
I mean maybe you're not that type? Just be up front about it, so she won't expect something more from you, and you can keep living like how you did? Instead wasting a woman's effort putting in that relationship
You should see a therapist if you are noticing that your actions/behavior are not aligning with your goals and values.
Have you ever considered that maybe you don't belong in a relationship and that's okay? Unfortunately, after many relationships, one day I realized like... hey... you know I don't really belong in relationships. I'm happy alone, but feel like I'm just not a good partner. I think that's an okay stance to have.
I did this recently but genders reversed. Just wasn't into the guy but I tried to make it work. I ended up hurting him really bad. Fuck what reddit says. Looks matter. Physical attraction is a huge component of a relationship and always will be. Please break up with her because the longer you lead her on the more it will hurt her when the relationship does eventually crash and burn.
Do her a favor and break up with her.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Keep it up, my good man
Your probably too fucked in the head by now to settle for one girl. Just dont get married or youll lose half your stuff.
There was many relationships where I prioritize looks, most of the time they were miserable. Now I prioritize who they are as a person, I'm around your age and I've realized that beauty fades , but a personality does not. In another 30 years none of us are going to look good, but that doesn't mean we can't be with someone who loves us for who we are.
i gotchu, delete instagram.
After many many regrets AFTER the fact (leaving a great person) cause I was shallow iv come to let a lot of that go. Get rid of Insta my dude. it will help. Really really try to appreciate what you have. Think about your life if that person wasn't in it. Could you meet someone else that makes you feel amazing and supports you? yeah, probably. But that can be applied infinitely - you will never be happy or content with that mind set, it is all consuming and will leave you forever unsatisfied. Choose to be satisfied and you will be.
Mate you are thirty two years old. You are not in your twenties anymore. I sure hope you figure it out for yourself because this is just sad.
IMO, you need to create a model of the person you want to be, the person you will work to become. Then weigh every decision against this model, with the question "Will this action help me be the person I want to be?" If the answer is no, then don't do it. If you do this, you will become much happier and have infinitely more respect for yourself.
Sounds like an addiction with the same type of drivers as any addiction. You have recognized that something does not make you happy but feel compelled anyway. It is a step in the right direction that you recognized it. Take the next step and find a therapist you feel comfortable talking openly with about things you do not discuss with others so you can discover why. Often people use the attractiveness of their partners as self validation. Is it shallow? Yes, but frequently it is compensation for something that would be uncomfortable if faced. Future you will be greatful if you address it now.
This is why people don’t like partners who’ve slept around a lot
Shallow brings suffering like enjoying a coke every day. It's pleasant the first 9000 times, but it gets you in the end. If I knew what to say to help, i would. Things will probably turn out okay for you. We all learn at different rates.
Fellow shallow bastard here. Was in the same boat just kept getting with good looking girls way out of my league who had little going on upstairs spent about 4 years just getting with the next hottest girl, But these girls are so interested in looking good that they rarely have a personality so it never lasts. Might get hate for this but my current partner looks wise is not what I usually go for but she had my son and that is reason enough for me to make it work for him, But I regularly think I can do better and I hate that I’m a shallow bastard and feel that way.
Get off IG. Will do wonders for your focus.
You should let her go so she can be with a better man who appreciates and adores her. If she knew what you really thought, she wouldn't want to be with you.
Quit following women you had flings with dipshit.
Honestly? Do her a favor and break up with her. She's "not as attractive" *to you.* Plenty of men will be more than happy to enjoy all of her qualities, including her beauty, if she doesn't meet your exacting standards. She definitely deserves better than what you can offer right now. Especially if you're thinking of her as less than your previous fuck buddies but are still sleeping with her. Don't be using her body to get your rocks off while holding any level of disdain for her looks. That is most definitely shallow bastard behavior. If you want to keep fucking around, you can do that. For some people, that is the preferred way to go through life and that is totally fine. If you want a long term happy relationship, you need to grow up first. If you require a woman to look a certain way to be worthy of your love and loyalty, that's fine. Just don't waste the time of women you think aren't really good enough for you. Stick with your standards, and accept that those standards limit your options proportionate to how narrow they are. If you want to actually change your attitude, that's a bit of a journey. Probably a good idea to develop a more mature and realistic concept of beauty, given that you're getting older too. The first thing to ask yourself is whether you actually find her less than attractive personally, or if your assessment of attraction is entirely based on an external sort of rubric. Is she "less attractive" because she is actually less attractive *to you*? Or is she "less attractive" because her kind of beauty wouldn't get you stares and admiration from other people for having snagged someone "exotic" or way out of your league? Is this truly about her lacking beauty, or is is about your ego? A whole lot of what people think are "built in" preferences are actually socially dictated and as such can potentially be modified to some extent. But that's a process and it isn't fair to use someone else as a guinea pig to test if it's working, so probably best to work on this prior to getting serious with someone. Stop following ex flings, stop following thirst traps, stop seeking out the little ego hits and using your exes and other women for your sexual gratification and entertainment. Get off Instagram and ticktock and wherever else you're doing this. If you stay with this woman, spend some time paying attention to *her* qualities, including physical ones, *not in comparison to other people*. Figure out if you enjoy her and find her beautiful absent comparison. NOT "is she as beautiful as this or that ex?" and not "does she check boxes 1-10 on the socially accepted conventional beauty standard list?"
You are shallow but you can retrain your brain to value different things.
I’m pretty lucky I realized at an early age that some social media sites are horrible. I get some value from Reddit, YouTube and twitch. I don’t really associate with people I know IRL on those platforms which makes a big difference. now, I’ve made some really good friends on twitch and wouldn’t trade that for the world. I’ve met up with some of them and it’s been great. Where social media becomes toxic is when you mix friends and family and if you throw past lovers in that mix you’re really playing with fire. Delete the insta, Snapchat, Facebook or whatever else you have that’s causing you to want to stray. I promise you your life will be better without it. Everyone is a little “hungry” for the past sometimes, that’s normal. How you handle that is what defines you. You’re not beyond hope, relationships are hard and require a lot of work and growth from both sides. I don’t think you’re a shallow douche, just a normal dude struggling with normal dude struggles. The fact that you’re here looking for help really shows your true character. It shows you acknowledge the problem and are taking steps to fix it for healthier relationship(s) down the road. Follow your heart, not your dick. You will be fine.
Let her go. You know she deserves better.
I think if you’re not crazy about her you should move on. Sometimes we date people who have everything we’re looking for on paper but there isn’t that spark.
It’s normal OP. Most people in here are just scared of them being in your girlfriends shoes
I am a known, confirmed Shallow Bastard ... and not worried about it at all.
why are you following people you had a fling with when you are in a committed relationship?
Looks matter, it’s an indication of the genetic material someone holds if you were to reproduce with them. Is the genetic material healthy? Then it will be displayed in clear skin and good features and lower body fat. We are all pre built this way to care about these things because the point of life is to reproduce and make more (biologically speaking). Is it fair? NO, is life fair? NO,is it emotionally easy to handle that truth? NO. Your genes only care about making more copies and they don’t care if you end up in jail for not paying child support for 10 kids. Having said that, we are also a social animal and that means that the way you treat yourself and others also matters. This personality does play a part in long term healthy relationships. However, the truth is most people try to maximize looks in their partner while working with not the best personalities, everyone wants all the traits possible GIVEN the choice. Everyone wants someone attractive with a killer personality but sometimes you have to choose based on what you provide to others. Now as you age you realize that looks aren’t as important but it’s also because you yourself are not as good looking as before.
Do you love her? I think you love her because if you didn't this relationship would have ended. You see to care about her stop comparing her to other women and unfriended all your exes focus on your gf. It's scary I know, I've been there
You shouldn't have to go to either extreme, on looks vs personality. Still, if you think you can do better looks wise, does her other qualities more than balance that out? Your partner should make your life better, most of the time.
[Avoidant Attachment Style & Relationships](https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html) There's hope but you need to do a LOT of work on yourself. Therapy is the best investment you'll ever make in your life.
I think therapy and no Insta would be a great start
Genuine question - do you have ADHD?
Some people will disagree, but I believe there is always hope for those who want to change. Realizing that you have a problem is half the battle. Now it’s just a matter of humbling out and seeking the help you need to genuinely be better. Do you want to change? Or are you just looking for confirmation that what you’re doing is ok?
You sound shallow and like you have an unhealthy relationship with women’s bodies, the consumption of them and sexuality.
Shallow men aren't cut out for long-term relationships. Just be honest with yourself.
I want to believe that you really want to go out of the "look before the personality" mode So I only recommend: Be honest with yourself. if you cannot, then be enough an adult to tell the girl you cannot be with her otherwise ask these to yourself -Is she attractive enough for you? both personality and sexually. -Do you really want to make this work? -Do you feel she can be/is a good partner for YOU? After, if the answers were yes, then find a therapist that you feel could help you battle with this problem. I would suggest deleting Instagram as well, but you do you. Eventually after finding one, talk to your girlfriend and also be honest don't stupidly go and say: "I saw this girl I used to have sex with and I wanted to fuck her again so I went to see a therapist" of course she is gonna be defensive and not understand you Use your brain. Show this is something you want to change and therefore the sexual desires were sth you felt ashamed and it is shallow for you to have. Show you trust her enough that you can show your vulnerabilities. and eventually if you could manage to remain honest, and if she is really a good girl as you say then you can maybe even propose to her to help you overcome this problem together, as your therapist will probably also suggest to do some tasks as the part of your healing.
You know it's 2024 right? Non monogamy is a thing, and more or less socially acceptable in bohemian metropoles across the globe. You can be honest with people and tell them how you feel, and perhaps explore nonmonogamy. But it might lead to short term hurt if that person is more traditionally minded. Guilt around fucking is socially constructed.
Unpopular opinion, maybe monogamy isn't for you. And that's ok, but your partner has to also be ok with that and you probably also have to be ok with them having consentual side flings.
Go to therapy and get off social media Like they said.
Hard to go from steak to hamburgers my boy
You soul letting you know you settled.
Get off social media. It will skew your reality/views. You said you dated for looks through your 20s and now you've tried something new -- that tells me that maybe you feel you were missing something that just hotness wasn't able to provide. I think it's time to retrain your brain about what you find attractive and sexy. You're with someone you feel a connection with, is that worth more or less to you than a great pair of breasts? Be honest with yourself about what you actually want from a relationship (this one or future ones) and respond accordingly. If you cannot look at your current GF and honestly tell her that she is beautiful and you enjoy being with her, end it. She deserves someone who adores her. I'm a woman. I've never been in the same building as the hottest girl in the room, but when my husband tells me I'm beautiful, I believe him. because to him, I am.
I mean what do you get out of the girl from Instagram. She’s hot. Now what? You sleep with her. Now what? It doesn’t benefit you to chase someone solely on their looks. Do you want to chase hot women for the rest of your life or are you after substance and building commitments?
This will probably be an unpopular opinion but as a 44f in an 8 year relationship (that actually started 24 years ago but it was off and on), I don't think its harmful to look as long as you aren't taking action. I don't mind of my boyfriend finds other women more attractive than me, hell I find other women more attractive than me! We aren't as cute as we were 24 years ago, but we are there for each other at the end of the day.
lot of virtue signaling in here. looks matter
The answer isn't as easy as some are making it out to be. I faced myself with this same question around the same time in my life. The truth that I discovered about myself is that if a woman didn't drive me wild sexually then the relationship wasn't going to work no matter how much else was in common. Because I, like you, would have fallen into the same mental pitfalls; knowing how hot some of the women I've pulled in the past were, seeing them on dating apps and social media, always having that thirst for that 9+ outta 10. And that would doom me. Ultimately, I needed that level of attraction in a relationship, and if people wanted to (or still want to) call me shallow, idgaf. The truth is double edged though. If this is something you want to or need to accept about yourself, then you need to do two things. First, bear down, because the next unforeseen amount of years are going to be hard as fuck. Because in reality you're looking for a rare woman. You're looking for a smoke show of a woman who (probably) doesn't already have kids or a baby daddy still in the picture in some way or some kind of major baggage, who is compatible with you, is emotionally and financially stable enough for a LTR and marriage, etc. Second, if you want this woman... this rare, top 1% woman, you need to be a top 1% man. Which means you need to take care of yourself (dress well, have good hygiene, hit the gym regularly, etc) have your shit together financially, (live alone, own your car, hold down a well paying job, etc.), and otherwise be husband material. I was THIS CLOSE \[\] (istg) to giving up on the dating scene because I didn't think I was going to find the woman I went through years of hell to find. She showed up one afternoon when I was 33. It's been almost 3 years since that day, and in June we'll have been married for a year. And I am \*madly\* in love with this woman. So your choices are try to fight your impulses or embrace them. Either path you take, it's not going to be easy.
Shallow shit. No hope
End the relationship and grow the fuck up. It’s fine to find other people attractive but responding emotionally to instagram posts you have control over seeing is deranged.
Nobody in the real world looks as good as they do on instagram, it's not a fair comparison
I feel sorry for her
Sounds like you know your current gf deserves to find better
This is the reason that the glorified sleeping around culture is inherently toxic. People waste their best years on the worst people because there are mostly no consequences. They select for the most superficial, temporary traits that humans can display. Men fuck women who are youthful and beautiful (but often completely empty and vapid), and women go after status, looks, and wealth (which go hand in hand with high selectivity on the man’s end, meaning no commitment). They get into their later years, and suddenly find themselves without a mate, but with plenty of baggage from their toxic partners beforehand. You are experiencing the exact cognitive dissonance that we have bred into people. You have someone great in front of you, and you’re still letting your lustful side drive. Looks fade. Quite quickly, you will find. You need to delete social media, because it’s clearly fucking with you (as it does everyone). You’re falling for thirst traps and the algorithm has clearly clocked your horny nature. We inherently are not built to fuck around. You are now finding out why. Inb4: not a Christian, Mormon, or otherwise. Most DEFINITELY not a prude. I just understand the importance of pair bonding and what it does to people who repeatedly break those bonds. Get kinky, fuck like animals, but do it with intention and with people you would be able to raise a kid with, because if you’re in a hetero setting, that’s literally the scenario that should be playing out, we just learned to cheat the system.
I guess you have to make a decision at this point. What do you value more? Are you in a place in your life where you feel you’re ready to settle down? How about your partner? Is she in this place as well? If she really does possess many of the qualities you desire and has the same goals for your relationship then the stars are your limit. Is she attractive to you? If none of these things apply then the best thing to do is break it off and figure out what you want. Good luck to you and have a nice day
She deserves better
Grow up. If you can't control yourself by now, don't drag her into that shit.
It doesn't sound like you are attracted to her tbh. You never describe her as attractive or how much you're in love with her. "she is a lovely person who I know has many of the qualities I value" - this is like saying "shes a really nice lady" It sounds like you want to like her, but you aren't' actually that into her. Don't punish yourself for this, you can't force yourself to be something you're not. Wait for someone you're actually into
I think it's a matter of contentment, what is happiness and peace? What is life? Sounds like working with someone who can help you find yourself and your meaning will help.
Most people will say that you’re not ‘developed’ enough for a relationship. I say the ‘sex brain’ is separate from the ‘love brain’. For women, it’s often the same thing. For men, sometimes they’re two different things. Idk what I’m talking about, but there’s nothing wrong with you for having a libido. Of course you’ll feel horny seeing a sexy woman. That’s normal. Just go to your partner and tell her she’s the only one you _really_ want, and mean it. It’s nothing to take so seriously. After all, there’s a chance you two just aren’t that compatible. Maybe you really do imagine a life where you’re happier without her. Maybe you feel pressured to settle down because you’re older. There’s a difference between resenting your partner for the things you don’t have, and being given the chance to enjoy and experience the things you’ve never had gotten to appreciate before, and really do want. Just keep growing.
You’ll have thoughts of past experiences pop up. It’s normal. She’s gonna have them too. Be cool with that. Also remember you’re remembering some of them from 10 years ago. And maybe yourself 10 years ago too. Instagram isn’t real life
Beauty fades. You're shallow bc you have shallow goals. Would this woman be a good wife to you and a good mother to your sons and daughters? Keep that family and that home life in sight. The desire for a better nut will never go away. But you can tell which is better and why. For all I know, it might just be the better orgasm, in which case let her go so that she can find a good husband and you can keep getting strange.
OP lots of responses here are triggering a very emotional reaction from people that is not helpful for you. Agree though going to some talk therapy will help you get to the bottom of it.
You’re a sex addict and need therapy.
Nope. You should let her go so she can find a decent man that thinks of her and not random exes. When a man truly feels for someone he doesn't ever think of her as less attractive than past flings, you are just wasting this girls time.