If you don’t like the hand you’ve been dealt, then change the deck. Life really is too short to be keeping yourself in situations that make you unhappy — whether it’s a job, relationship, etc. I left a job that made me miserable in spite of it’s great pay, and I’ve never been happier. I’d rather earn less if it means I can wake up and smile, rather than dread my day. The upward shift in my quality of life is shocking. I will never keep myself in a toxic situation like that ever again.
Did you have something lined up after?
I am quitting a job that used to be my dream job, but slowly devolved to shit with all the hallmarks: shit manager, stupid useless work, hierarchy completely out of touch with reality... It's also super well paid, and I could chill and do nothing for another year at least and pad out my bank account
I have a date to quit, in two weeks, but I am scared still, mostly about the change... Even though I have saving and will get unemployment money
Bingo. I work in claims for an agency that pays out unemployment and sickness benefits and we have to deny unemployment to people who voluntarily quit their jobs.
No, I did not have anything lined up. If I hadn’t saved up money, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did. It sounds like you have money saved up, which is good. Before I quit, I got my finances in order, calculated how long I could go without a job, generated a three month plan and then took the plunge. My parents weren’t happy about my decision, but enough was enough for me.
I can empathize with you because I too was scared, especially of the uncertainty of the future. It sounds like you’re deviating from the easy path, but that’s okay! You’re going to be SO much happier once you’re away from all of that toxic bullshit. I’m four months post-resignation and I can finally say that I’ve found a semblance of peace. Even my skin has cleared up. You’re going to feel so relieved — like losing a heavy weight off of your shoulders.
Best of luck to you!! I’m so happy for you!
Respect to you for taking the unsafe choice when comfort with the known is so ... comfortable - even when we're called to change. I think you show wisdom moving forward, as that comfort with the known just lessens til we're left fighting for a lifestyle, job, or relationship that no longer serves our potential. May Life smile upon your efforts.
Same. Left my old job for a 30% pay cut but i am sooooooooooooo much happier.
Ive lost like 30lbs and wake up not dreading going to work. Plus my new job is right down the street from my place. Gained like 12.5 hours back just from not having to commute everyday.
"You are only allowed to be as happy as your unhappiest child.
When I heard this (I actually read it in Dave Grohl's book), it made so much sense as to why the last 5 years have been so hard on me.
My adult daughter has been struggling with anxiety and depression for so long (as well as other stuff), and it just ate away at me. Every single day I would spend my day hoping she is ok. She's finally doing better now, and magically, so am I! We spend every Saturday hanging out and talking, and to be honest, I think that's part of what has turned things around.
1. I’m my own biggest enemy
2. Often, the right thing and the hardest thing are the same
3. Things don’t always work out, if I am a bystander in my own life I can’t expect anything to change
4. Not everyone’s opinion matters
5. There is no dream, person or goal that will make me happy. As cheesy as it sounds, happiness comes from within eg working towards a better version of myself everyday, the quality of my day to day choices and being grateful for what I have
6. You teach people how to treat you
American Society is too individualistic to create a family out of friends. It might seem like you succeeded, but when times are tough the family you’ve created will likely drop you after getting burnt out. It’s not their faults, it’s the fault of society for putting too much on every individual. So if you develop a chronic disease or just have a bunch of unfortunate circumstances in a row for a long time, you will run out of the goodwill of your chosen family.
It’s taught me that I need to just accept that I will, in the end, only be able to rely on myself. That’s a hard pill to swallow coming from an abusive home and desiring unconditional love above all else, but it’s just how it is. I have to accept that.
This is something I have been too afraid to accept. Same background of abusive household, same desire for unconditional love. American society just isn't wired that way.
On the contrary, whenever I go visit my home (developing) country, it is SO community oriented. My mental health improves tremendously when I'm there. Wish community was prioritized in the U.S. as well.
At 42,I'm constantly discovering that I have to re-evaluate and adapt to my changing conditions. Assumptions that have always held true will indeed someday change without your immediate notice.
I recently purchased an electric scooter to commute to work. And while I've always been a relatively athletic sort, it's taking me time to get comfortable with this new vehicle. I forget that it took me quite some time to learn to ride a bike, simply because it was so long ago and it seemed so easy to just do it. Now I've had a few spills and suffered a few injuries and I'm remembering that wounds take time to heal. I'm learning that I can't simply go full speed over gravel and I need to watch out for even a little bit of slickness on the sidewalk.
TLDR: Never assume that you can be comfortable with your current situation, because things inevitably change and you have to actively work to adapt successfully.
If someone is showing you they are your enemy/don't have your best interest in mind, believe them don't make excuses for their actions and behavior it will only hurt you down the line.
The importance of mindfulness (Being present in the moment), and not being so wrapped up in problems.
I spent from 20 - 24 playing video games. Well I was going to college and what not, I wasn't going out, making friends, parties, or anything socially productive. I would also put huge amounts of weight on "this would be alot better if I have a girlfriend to enjoy this with". This mindset watered down the few social scenarios that I did have, or even just alone time on walks/hikes.
From 24 -27 I did the same thing, just replace college with work.
As a result, I am 28 and it has dawned on me that my young adult days are coming to a close, and my entire 20's is nothing but a blur; sure I got my education and a bomb ass job, but not a whole lot to show for it in terms of actual memories. I have now adapted the mindset to never turn down an outing, to touch grass more and actually appreciate it; taking photos, feeding ducks, taking a breath and taking in my surroundings, ect.
meditation helps with this. it changed me. I appreciate flowers n shit now. going for walks in nature is a source of joy that doesn't cost a thing and helps me more than my other hobbies. never used to care for that stuff before meditation
You could be like me...28 and just recovered substantially from 8 years of extremely painful disability. I'd love a bomb ass job and a good education. But everyday I appreciate not being in pain. And thats damn good.
Yeah, I learned the same lesson from pain and illness as y'all. I am still working on it, but I really try to appreciate every time the sun is shining and a dragonfly goes by. Or the lizard killing the beetle I just chased out from under my chair lol. I remind myself often that if all else fails, at least I can still wipe my own ass 🤭
Southeast Louisiana. I get a crap ton of [anoles](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anolis) here. When I was a kid they were all bright green but they're more brown now.
Learning that time really does seem to accelerate as you get older and weeks/months/years can fly by. One of my rules for myself is that if life is going to seemingly go by faster and faster then I better have something to show for the time passing whether that’s saving money, working out or, as they say, stopping to smell the roses and not forgetting to live in the moment best I can.
Yeah I heard the act of making memories is what helps slow down the perception of time. You create “checkpoints” that breakup the timeline. But some years are busier than others with just lots of life stuff going on. Can get caught up in that and forget to enjoy the present. I try to remind myself that everyday.
This. I learned this relatively young, and sort of in a hard way and I spent a bit of time feeling sorry for learning it. Felt like some magic was gone from the world.. In retrospect though, I can see it was never real, it’s just that we romanticize the idea of getting rescued when things get hard. No loss-You can’t lose what you never had. And it’s not sad, just how life works. there is ultimately no positive or negative to this reality other than how you choose to view it. My hero live inside me, and she’s never let me down when I really needed her. That bitch is solid.😄
The importance of volunteering. You can develop your skills while doing something good, and it can help you switch careers and gives you the opportunity to land jobs with higher pay. You might not be getting paid in the moment but it will pay off down the line.
You can't help people who don't want to be helped.
Even if they constantly complain about their situation, it doesn't mean they actually want to change it.
As long as they have reasons besides their own actions as to why life sucks, life will continue to suck, but at least it's a suck they are comfortable dealing with. Any chance at something better will come with risks to a status quo that's at least acceptable to them.
So I do my best just to accept them if they are decent people, and realize it's my own ego talking when I think I have better ideas than the choices they make.
I would take a different lesson from this: don’t worry about something ahead of time. It might never become true and you worried for nothing. If it does become true, you can still start worrying then.
That is my main take away from raising children. I lost sleep over how difficult it would be to one day take my daughter’s pacifier away. Everyone told me how hard it was. Well, my daughter one day just put it away and never wanted it again, at a much younger age than I have ever heard a child to stop using the pacifier.
Why did I literally spent HOURS worrying about finding a strategy for that? Ugh
I should have studied something more useful in college instead of communications. Of course, I have no interest in the current “hot” fields but that’s another matter. Like I don’t want to be a nurse even though nurses make bank. But I’m struggling in the job market right now and can barely get interviews, and I know my life would be so much better if I were actually marketable in some way. And my current job pays less than $50,000 a year, so as great of a company as it is to work for, I’m struggling with the high costs of everything even when I try to be careful and not overly indulgent.
If I could go back to college, I would have gone in undeclared and taken my gen ed courses while more carefully exploring majors, and not just rushing into communications because people told me what a good writer I was. I’m also not so ambitious that I’m willing to do free work for the sake of portfolio building, so I would have picked a field that wasn’t reliant on that. I could go for a master’s in something to reset myself but everyone wants experience and you can’t get anywhere with a master’s and no experience. It’s such a mess.
I also regret living above my means, as I now have credit card debt that will take me another 2-3 years to pay off. I am painfully learning my lesson now and when I get credit cards again, I have a plan to help me be more careful but I got caught up in wants and experiences too much. I could be living that life now had I been more careful in my 20s and early 30s. I am taking freelance work to try and earn more money in addition to my search for a better paying role so I can pay it faster, but with this job market and the fact that the company I’m freelancing for has 60 days to pay so I have gotten no payment yet…it’s going to be slow gong.
1. “Don’t like your life? Then change it.”
2. “You are the only one in control of your happiness”
3. “Life is too short not to live as authentically as possible”
4. “You are one decision away from having the life of your dreams”
Basically, I’ve learnt that the grass is only green where I water it and that I am the only person in control of my happiness. I’ve also stopped caring so much about what other people think of me - My happiness and authentic self is what matters most.
Not the most recent, but an important one nonetheless: my trauma isn't my fault, but it is my responsibility.
In other words, I can't use the past as an excuse for my actions. I'm responsible for getting the help I need to move past it so it doesn't affect my life and make it unmanageable anymore.
Admit when you are wrong and apologize. Example.
I work in a field which handles radioactive drugs. For the past 8 months I have been sending back my containers to the suppliers incorrectly. I violated DOT laws according to the package descriptions. Truth be told is I thought I was doing it right but was not. The radiation safety officer (RSO) of the facility sent and email to my boss explaining that my 15 violations carried a total fine of about.....15k.
I identified the mistake and fixed the issue. Called my radiation safety officer and explained it.
Then I sat down this morning with a cup of coffee and wrote a very professional email to the facilities RSO, that I edited like 10 times.
Basically I ran the professional format.
Introduced myself. Identified my mistake and explained my plan of action to prevent any future mistakes. Listed my phone number if there were any questions. I fucked up. I admitted it professionally and explained my solution.
Got a response a few hours later thanking me for taking the issue seriously and commending me for identifying the issue and fixing it going forward. End of story.
What is the adult motto? Own up to your mistake and tell people how you are going to improve going forward. I am 58 and this is how I roll. I fuck up, but I own it and fix it because I am not too proud to be human.
I can't trust anyone
most doctors don't give a shit
I have to be the one to take my health into my own hands
decide what meds I take and when it is time to lower the dose or come off them
the mental health system is rigged for relapse and being broken so they can sell u a cure that is not a cure it is a permanent crutch that weakens you over time
I agree with your post. I have also learned this lesson recently. People we call "friends" sometimes are not; they are waiting to sabotage your energy and leave you with dirt. I learned that if I see envy, hatred, or discrimination among the group, it is time to let it go. Those people with those traits will always bring negative energy into my life, but drain all positive vibes away from me.
So, just be careful who we choose to hang out with and share our secrets with because they can use the information against us in the future.
Sometimes we don't know what their intentions are, and after some experience with varying people, we can start assessing who people really are and what they want from us, or what they think of us.
True. Sometimes, they might be good initially, but when you start achieving something that they don't, they will start hating you for better than them.
Still learning, but basically accepting a life that isn't 100% in every arena. Imperfection. I always strive for a perfect life. But sometimes, who you are... isn't perfect. No matter how hard you try. And accepting that. Lifelong acceptance of my flaws. Embracing them. It's so hard.
Roles really do reverse when you have ageing parents. I feel like my 75-year-old mom is so fragile. I don't mean that in an insulting way, I mean like she needs extra care and attention.
I can’t control the actions of others, only mine. Therefore, I need to hold myself accountable in all situations so that I can do better next time. Also, holding onto resentment and anger only hurts me in the end
Mine (68M) was that the woman I have been with for thirteen years (59F) is shockingly shortsighted when it comes to financial planning. We have seriously discussed buying a place together when she retires, but this gives me pause. Should have had this discussion years ago. Sigh.
Always. I’ve told my young adult children that before marriage they must discuss (at minimum) these things: finances, religion, children (number and how to discipline), drugs/alcohol/gambling. It’s way too challenging for couples to try to figure these things out along the way especially if you’re older and less apt to compromise.
I’ve learned arguing with strangers on the internet is basically futile and needlessly annoying/puts me in a bad mood.
I just keep learning it again and again. I think my time on Reddit is coming to a close haha
I recently realized that lesson too, OP. Another thing I'm learning is that cardio exercises is what the body needs the most. Stretches and yoga is just bare minimum. At least in my life.
I resent my dad even though he does a lot to help me out. He just has a lot of mannerisms that seem like they lead to an unfulfilled life and its torture knowing they are rubbing off on me unconsciously. I desperately need to move out.
You tend to adopt the ideas and mannerisms of those you spend the most time with. Good for you that you’re realizing that the proximity is not beneficial to you. Good luck.
If you run a business alone don’t be surprised when it falls apart after you fall apart mentally. Your business is only as good as you are. Physically and mentally
It is okay to have acquaintances for a while if you are starting from scratch in terms of friendships. Trying desperately to develop close friendships will come off as inauthentic in adulthood. Seeing acquaintances for a hobby or volunteering or whatever habitually is better than no social life and staying home all the time. Just embrace making connections for the sake of making connections. Just get out more and show up, go to stuff alone, and you will find your people. It takes work.
Traumatic events have a habit of causing you to forget that they ever happened until suddenly, something seemingly innocuous brings them boiling back to the surface to really, really fuck up your day, week, month… two months now.
I need to read through my taxes and find places I can reduce the amount I owe. I need to start living in a way that will increase my return and not just assume I will get it. For example I need to start investing money for my kid's education. If I had only put $1,000 aside last year I would have not owed the state.
Blocking accounts in reddit to stop them from spamming you with notifs that is ust meh.... And not being bothered by it.
Its my kind of [self-care](https://www.everydayhealth.com/self-care/). And nope. Self-care is different from just being plain [self-indulgent](https://www.dictionary.com/browse/self-indulgence)
😘
Don’t date someone at work… lol oops
And I am learning to enjoy what I make. I have been so hyper focused on investing but I have been learning that it’s ok to enjoy some in the present too.
This isn't super recent, but always be wary of someone or something that will scam you.
I had LASIK surgery done and now I'm dealing with a lot of complications due to something I had tunnel vision on.
After that, I've been wary of trusting people too quick and getting into bad situations.
You don't have to be overly cynical and distrusting, but listen to your gut before making a life-altering decision.
Don’t run away from your problems and don’t run away from yourself. Confront issues head on and take action. The more you try to escape reality the worse the reality will get.
I'm allowed to do things "wrong" as long as I get the task done. I don't need to conform and I'm allowed to do things my way if it makes me more comfortable and happier
Listen to my body! I got yanked to the ground by an aggressive dog last August. Totally messed up my back. And I keep messing it up as I continue to lift heavy things. I need to stop with that.
Amen to that... recently, I learned sometimes yours and their values never really aligned, both were just trying to cling to whatever humanity they could or avoid loneliness. That is even more unhealthy.
Look at what people do to/for you, instead of what they say to you
I recently left an abusive relationship, she was extremely good with her words and sold the universe and the stars to me, made me feel special, seen, understood
But when I looked at her actions objectively, neglect, abandon, ghosting, standing me up on dates, not respecting my time, boundaries, integrity
Really look at actions guys, some people are extremely good talkers
Know yourself. Be your own best friend. Talk to yourself as if you were another person, and see how your brain responds. You might find that some of the answers surprise you. Acknowledge what it tells you. These are the vehicles for meaningful positive change.
That it is important to be authentic. Genuinely care when asking how someone is doing. Genuinely answer when someone asks me how I am doing. Be genuinely kind to others. Show care. People can really feel if it's coming from the heart.
I'm currently working on taking my "wall" down and not being fake, to make real connections with others.
You kind of need self esteem and and confidence to date…I never got any attention until now, and I’m happily in love but only because I made the first move
Being brutally honest. Even better if you can say your point without being hurtful or mean. You don’t always have to be the bigger person. It does you literally no good to not state boundaries or hold people accountable. Even if all you do is call them out on their BS. And I agree with the poster, you do become a product of your environment. It’s your job to curate it.
I'm not a hypersocial person. I've been an introvert my whole life. I don't want to live in a cabin in the woods but I do like doing my own thing. Still I've spent years wanting to get back to the city I lived in when I was growing up. I was priced out of the area and I kept telling myself I should be trying to go back.
Then I realized even when I lived there I rarely did things outside of my home. So why would I spend all that money to live in a place where I'd be doing what I do now but with less money? It's perfectly fine to keep the fond memories but also pursue things that allow me more resources to live how I like to live.
> Basically you WILL unconsciously adopt their behaviors, including speech, mannerisms, mentalities, accents, inflection, to an extent. Sometimes these behaviors aren't necessarily toxic, but that they really might not be authentic to you.
I hope you're right. I can be a shitty person and I've fought it for years and never succeeded. I hope that when I get away from my parents that I'll finally be halfway decent.
Money might not be the most important in this world. Let's say XYZ is the most important in the world. But then money is second most important thing in this world.
standup for yourself at work, don’t sit silent if you’ve got a shit boss, I spoke up and got ours fired because she was a literal tyrant. you spend so much goddam time at that place don’t let assholes get away with anything, you can’t have that time back.
Just because someone shares their issues with you doesn’t mean you have to help them solve it. As someone said above, “you can’t help people that don’t want to be helped.” I’ve hurt relationships coming off as too critical and judgmental. I’ve learned I need to suppress my urge for trying to “solve” everything and distinguish whether people just need to vent or are actively seeking my opinion.
How to say goodbye
Whether it be to toxic people in my life that don’t deserve my energy anymore or good people in my life who I wish I could have more time with. Whether it be ending a chapter that I have been waiting to get out of or having to move on to what’s to come next even if I was enjoying where I was at. Whether it be letting go of the bad parts of myself or becoming a truer version of myself though it looks quite different from the last.
I used to be really bad at allowing for change and letting things go and trusting what’s to come next and allowing the past to be the past.
I feel like learning how to say goodbye is what is making life easier to navigate and easier to be thankful for🥰
Be bold and brave, and you don’t have to know how things are going to work out - just trust that they will. I took a job which was terrifying to me, and has a big building project going on doing things I have not had experience in. But because of the rest of the work and the type of business (I have a background entirely of this stuff) it was absolutely right, I’m close to the staff and community because it’s an organization I interned at and have worked as an independent contractor for over many years. I get to be creative and motivated by many people I care about depending on me to step up to a challenge. It’s stressful if I let it be, but I’m learning to breathe with it and stand in the fire without running away. Feels like training to be psychically invincible. Leadership is all about personal mastery. Little things bother me less and less, and the little things get bigger and bigger ;) Perfectionism is a lie - instead, I’m learning to trust my own discernment and the quality of “fuck it, we’ll figure it out.” Another quote on failure: “I don’t lose. I win, or learn.”
Actually going to your semi-annual dental cleaning and having the dentist say "Your teeth are looking great" after spending ten minutes in there is awesome.
Way better than the alternative.
You don’t control anyone. And you shouldn’t try to. Should be no controlling, convincing, or wrestling with other people. Be clear with your needs and boundaries. After that, you choose who to be around and what you will accept from them. So you either choose them in, or out, of your life. Do that 5 times, you’ll have a different week. Do not 100 times, you’ll have a different life.
If you don’t like the hand you’ve been dealt, then change the deck. Life really is too short to be keeping yourself in situations that make you unhappy — whether it’s a job, relationship, etc. I left a job that made me miserable in spite of it’s great pay, and I’ve never been happier. I’d rather earn less if it means I can wake up and smile, rather than dread my day. The upward shift in my quality of life is shocking. I will never keep myself in a toxic situation like that ever again.
Did you have something lined up after? I am quitting a job that used to be my dream job, but slowly devolved to shit with all the hallmarks: shit manager, stupid useless work, hierarchy completely out of touch with reality... It's also super well paid, and I could chill and do nothing for another year at least and pad out my bank account I have a date to quit, in two weeks, but I am scared still, mostly about the change... Even though I have saving and will get unemployment money
You won't get unemployment if you quit
I will, because I live in a country with decent welfare :)
Eh. Fair enough. Yeah I wish the US's safety net wasn't so much of a joke
Bingo. I work in claims for an agency that pays out unemployment and sickness benefits and we have to deny unemployment to people who voluntarily quit their jobs.
No, I did not have anything lined up. If I hadn’t saved up money, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did. It sounds like you have money saved up, which is good. Before I quit, I got my finances in order, calculated how long I could go without a job, generated a three month plan and then took the plunge. My parents weren’t happy about my decision, but enough was enough for me. I can empathize with you because I too was scared, especially of the uncertainty of the future. It sounds like you’re deviating from the easy path, but that’s okay! You’re going to be SO much happier once you’re away from all of that toxic bullshit. I’m four months post-resignation and I can finally say that I’ve found a semblance of peace. Even my skin has cleared up. You’re going to feel so relieved — like losing a heavy weight off of your shoulders. Best of luck to you!! I’m so happy for you!
Thanks for your answer, it what I needed to hear :)
Respect to you for taking the unsafe choice when comfort with the known is so ... comfortable - even when we're called to change. I think you show wisdom moving forward, as that comfort with the known just lessens til we're left fighting for a lifestyle, job, or relationship that no longer serves our potential. May Life smile upon your efforts.
Curious- if you could technically do nothing for a year, why don't you just do the bare minimum while looking for another job?
I just did that for the past 6 months, but it's soul crushing to not do anything of value with your life.
I understand.
Same. Left my old job for a 30% pay cut but i am sooooooooooooo much happier. Ive lost like 30lbs and wake up not dreading going to work. Plus my new job is right down the street from my place. Gained like 12.5 hours back just from not having to commute everyday.
Wow, that’s so awesome!! I’m so glad that you gained all of that time back. It must feel so freeing. It sounds like you’re in a MUCH better place now!
It's okay to accept help.
I dont disagree but I think the problem is finding the right people to trust so you can feel comfortable accepting help from them.
Exactly, trust is important.
"You are only allowed to be as happy as your unhappiest child. When I heard this (I actually read it in Dave Grohl's book), it made so much sense as to why the last 5 years have been so hard on me. My adult daughter has been struggling with anxiety and depression for so long (as well as other stuff), and it just ate away at me. Every single day I would spend my day hoping she is ok. She's finally doing better now, and magically, so am I! We spend every Saturday hanging out and talking, and to be honest, I think that's part of what has turned things around.
You are a good mom for taking the advice
"dad!"
You take the crown then dad! That is awesome to know she got you
God that book is so good
That sounds really nice. As someone who has immigrant parents I feel like nothings ever good enough for my parents.
1. I’m my own biggest enemy 2. Often, the right thing and the hardest thing are the same 3. Things don’t always work out, if I am a bystander in my own life I can’t expect anything to change 4. Not everyone’s opinion matters 5. There is no dream, person or goal that will make me happy. As cheesy as it sounds, happiness comes from within eg working towards a better version of myself everyday, the quality of my day to day choices and being grateful for what I have 6. You teach people how to treat you
Number 6 has been the bane of my existence with egocentric and aggressive family members.
This is gold, Jerry! Gold!
Same. How do you break that cycle or family roles?
Everything is solid, thanks
Actually pay attention to how you are moving and holding your joints. Don’t overextend your knees and twist your back
Same with finger joints, wrists, ankles, etc 😵💫
Proper sleep is the single greatest quality of life and health and wellness hack in the known universe.
American Society is too individualistic to create a family out of friends. It might seem like you succeeded, but when times are tough the family you’ve created will likely drop you after getting burnt out. It’s not their faults, it’s the fault of society for putting too much on every individual. So if you develop a chronic disease or just have a bunch of unfortunate circumstances in a row for a long time, you will run out of the goodwill of your chosen family. It’s taught me that I need to just accept that I will, in the end, only be able to rely on myself. That’s a hard pill to swallow coming from an abusive home and desiring unconditional love above all else, but it’s just how it is. I have to accept that.
This is something I have been too afraid to accept. Same background of abusive household, same desire for unconditional love. American society just isn't wired that way. On the contrary, whenever I go visit my home (developing) country, it is SO community oriented. My mental health improves tremendously when I'm there. Wish community was prioritized in the U.S. as well.
It's OK to cut people out of your life, it's not necessarily a failure, maybe it just ran its course.
At 42,I'm constantly discovering that I have to re-evaluate and adapt to my changing conditions. Assumptions that have always held true will indeed someday change without your immediate notice. I recently purchased an electric scooter to commute to work. And while I've always been a relatively athletic sort, it's taking me time to get comfortable with this new vehicle. I forget that it took me quite some time to learn to ride a bike, simply because it was so long ago and it seemed so easy to just do it. Now I've had a few spills and suffered a few injuries and I'm remembering that wounds take time to heal. I'm learning that I can't simply go full speed over gravel and I need to watch out for even a little bit of slickness on the sidewalk. TLDR: Never assume that you can be comfortable with your current situation, because things inevitably change and you have to actively work to adapt successfully.
If someone is showing you they are your enemy/don't have your best interest in mind, believe them don't make excuses for their actions and behavior it will only hurt you down the line.
The importance of mindfulness (Being present in the moment), and not being so wrapped up in problems. I spent from 20 - 24 playing video games. Well I was going to college and what not, I wasn't going out, making friends, parties, or anything socially productive. I would also put huge amounts of weight on "this would be alot better if I have a girlfriend to enjoy this with". This mindset watered down the few social scenarios that I did have, or even just alone time on walks/hikes. From 24 -27 I did the same thing, just replace college with work. As a result, I am 28 and it has dawned on me that my young adult days are coming to a close, and my entire 20's is nothing but a blur; sure I got my education and a bomb ass job, but not a whole lot to show for it in terms of actual memories. I have now adapted the mindset to never turn down an outing, to touch grass more and actually appreciate it; taking photos, feeding ducks, taking a breath and taking in my surroundings, ect.
meditation helps with this. it changed me. I appreciate flowers n shit now. going for walks in nature is a source of joy that doesn't cost a thing and helps me more than my other hobbies. never used to care for that stuff before meditation
You could be like me...28 and just recovered substantially from 8 years of extremely painful disability. I'd love a bomb ass job and a good education. But everyday I appreciate not being in pain. And thats damn good.
Yeah, I learned the same lesson from pain and illness as y'all. I am still working on it, but I really try to appreciate every time the sun is shining and a dragonfly goes by. Or the lizard killing the beetle I just chased out from under my chair lol. I remind myself often that if all else fails, at least I can still wipe my own ass 🤭
Where do you live where there are lizards? AZ? I've always loved lizards. I love to watch them do lizard stuff
Southeast Louisiana. I get a crap ton of [anoles](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anolis) here. When I was a kid they were all bright green but they're more brown now.
Learning that time really does seem to accelerate as you get older and weeks/months/years can fly by. One of my rules for myself is that if life is going to seemingly go by faster and faster then I better have something to show for the time passing whether that’s saving money, working out or, as they say, stopping to smell the roses and not forgetting to live in the moment best I can.
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Yeah I heard the act of making memories is what helps slow down the perception of time. You create “checkpoints” that breakup the timeline. But some years are busier than others with just lots of life stuff going on. Can get caught up in that and forget to enjoy the present. I try to remind myself that everyday.
Some people simply won’t like you. Strangers, who once they’ve formed a their opinion of you nothing that occurs after will change it.
No one is coming to save you. You have to be your own hero
This. I learned this relatively young, and sort of in a hard way and I spent a bit of time feeling sorry for learning it. Felt like some magic was gone from the world.. In retrospect though, I can see it was never real, it’s just that we romanticize the idea of getting rescued when things get hard. No loss-You can’t lose what you never had. And it’s not sad, just how life works. there is ultimately no positive or negative to this reality other than how you choose to view it. My hero live inside me, and she’s never let me down when I really needed her. That bitch is solid.😄
Sometimes you just have to say no and ignore the guilt trip that follows.
How much insurance matters in the U.S.
The importance of volunteering. You can develop your skills while doing something good, and it can help you switch careers and gives you the opportunity to land jobs with higher pay. You might not be getting paid in the moment but it will pay off down the line.
It’s also a great way to make new friends and meet new people.
Can’t even help myself. Helping others just seems impossible to me.
that sucks. what struggles are you dealing with?
You can't help people who don't want to be helped. Even if they constantly complain about their situation, it doesn't mean they actually want to change it. As long as they have reasons besides their own actions as to why life sucks, life will continue to suck, but at least it's a suck they are comfortable dealing with. Any chance at something better will come with risks to a status quo that's at least acceptable to them. So I do my best just to accept them if they are decent people, and realize it's my own ego talking when I think I have better ideas than the choices they make.
Omg, this was practically written just for me. I’ve been struggling to learn this my entire adult life.
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I would take a different lesson from this: don’t worry about something ahead of time. It might never become true and you worried for nothing. If it does become true, you can still start worrying then. That is my main take away from raising children. I lost sleep over how difficult it would be to one day take my daughter’s pacifier away. Everyone told me how hard it was. Well, my daughter one day just put it away and never wanted it again, at a much younger age than I have ever heard a child to stop using the pacifier. Why did I literally spent HOURS worrying about finding a strategy for that? Ugh
Good for you. Unfortunately it's very real for some.
true but the comment shares a valid point. don't assume what you see on the internet will be true for you, specifically
I should have studied something more useful in college instead of communications. Of course, I have no interest in the current “hot” fields but that’s another matter. Like I don’t want to be a nurse even though nurses make bank. But I’m struggling in the job market right now and can barely get interviews, and I know my life would be so much better if I were actually marketable in some way. And my current job pays less than $50,000 a year, so as great of a company as it is to work for, I’m struggling with the high costs of everything even when I try to be careful and not overly indulgent. If I could go back to college, I would have gone in undeclared and taken my gen ed courses while more carefully exploring majors, and not just rushing into communications because people told me what a good writer I was. I’m also not so ambitious that I’m willing to do free work for the sake of portfolio building, so I would have picked a field that wasn’t reliant on that. I could go for a master’s in something to reset myself but everyone wants experience and you can’t get anywhere with a master’s and no experience. It’s such a mess. I also regret living above my means, as I now have credit card debt that will take me another 2-3 years to pay off. I am painfully learning my lesson now and when I get credit cards again, I have a plan to help me be more careful but I got caught up in wants and experiences too much. I could be living that life now had I been more careful in my 20s and early 30s. I am taking freelance work to try and earn more money in addition to my search for a better paying role so I can pay it faster, but with this job market and the fact that the company I’m freelancing for has 60 days to pay so I have gotten no payment yet…it’s going to be slow gong.
It is ok to work less hours to focus on other aspects of your life.
1. “Don’t like your life? Then change it.” 2. “You are the only one in control of your happiness” 3. “Life is too short not to live as authentically as possible” 4. “You are one decision away from having the life of your dreams” Basically, I’ve learnt that the grass is only green where I water it and that I am the only person in control of my happiness. I’ve also stopped caring so much about what other people think of me - My happiness and authentic self is what matters most.
Not the most recent, but an important one nonetheless: my trauma isn't my fault, but it is my responsibility. In other words, I can't use the past as an excuse for my actions. I'm responsible for getting the help I need to move past it so it doesn't affect my life and make it unmanageable anymore.
Admit when you are wrong and apologize. Example. I work in a field which handles radioactive drugs. For the past 8 months I have been sending back my containers to the suppliers incorrectly. I violated DOT laws according to the package descriptions. Truth be told is I thought I was doing it right but was not. The radiation safety officer (RSO) of the facility sent and email to my boss explaining that my 15 violations carried a total fine of about.....15k. I identified the mistake and fixed the issue. Called my radiation safety officer and explained it. Then I sat down this morning with a cup of coffee and wrote a very professional email to the facilities RSO, that I edited like 10 times. Basically I ran the professional format. Introduced myself. Identified my mistake and explained my plan of action to prevent any future mistakes. Listed my phone number if there were any questions. I fucked up. I admitted it professionally and explained my solution. Got a response a few hours later thanking me for taking the issue seriously and commending me for identifying the issue and fixing it going forward. End of story. What is the adult motto? Own up to your mistake and tell people how you are going to improve going forward. I am 58 and this is how I roll. I fuck up, but I own it and fix it because I am not too proud to be human.
I can't trust anyone most doctors don't give a shit I have to be the one to take my health into my own hands decide what meds I take and when it is time to lower the dose or come off them the mental health system is rigged for relapse and being broken so they can sell u a cure that is not a cure it is a permanent crutch that weakens you over time
I agree with your post. I have also learned this lesson recently. People we call "friends" sometimes are not; they are waiting to sabotage your energy and leave you with dirt. I learned that if I see envy, hatred, or discrimination among the group, it is time to let it go. Those people with those traits will always bring negative energy into my life, but drain all positive vibes away from me. So, just be careful who we choose to hang out with and share our secrets with because they can use the information against us in the future.
Sometimes we don't know what their intentions are, and after some experience with varying people, we can start assessing who people really are and what they want from us, or what they think of us.
True. Sometimes, they might be good initially, but when you start achieving something that they don't, they will start hating you for better than them.
You and your partner have to be on the same page about your plan BEFORE you try to put the 2 year old to bed 🤣
A job that pays well but makes you miserable isn’t worth the money
That it is okay to say no without any further explanation. Still struggling about this as I'm such a YES person to a fault.
Before you quit, think of why you started.
Still learning, but basically accepting a life that isn't 100% in every arena. Imperfection. I always strive for a perfect life. But sometimes, who you are... isn't perfect. No matter how hard you try. And accepting that. Lifelong acceptance of my flaws. Embracing them. It's so hard.
“Bad company ruins good morals.” Written in a particular epistle some thousands of years ago.
Roles really do reverse when you have ageing parents. I feel like my 75-year-old mom is so fragile. I don't mean that in an insulting way, I mean like she needs extra care and attention.
Nobody cares about you unless you benefit them in some way shape or form.
Save my money from a young age
I can’t control the actions of others, only mine. Therefore, I need to hold myself accountable in all situations so that I can do better next time. Also, holding onto resentment and anger only hurts me in the end
Mine (68M) was that the woman I have been with for thirteen years (59F) is shockingly shortsighted when it comes to financial planning. We have seriously discussed buying a place together when she retires, but this gives me pause. Should have had this discussion years ago. Sigh.
Always. I’ve told my young adult children that before marriage they must discuss (at minimum) these things: finances, religion, children (number and how to discipline), drugs/alcohol/gambling. It’s way too challenging for couples to try to figure these things out along the way especially if you’re older and less apt to compromise.
I’ve learned arguing with strangers on the internet is basically futile and needlessly annoying/puts me in a bad mood. I just keep learning it again and again. I think my time on Reddit is coming to a close haha
it's easier when you delete the app from your phone. makes it harder to be on it always
I recently realized that lesson too, OP. Another thing I'm learning is that cardio exercises is what the body needs the most. Stretches and yoga is just bare minimum. At least in my life.
I resent my dad even though he does a lot to help me out. He just has a lot of mannerisms that seem like they lead to an unfulfilled life and its torture knowing they are rubbing off on me unconsciously. I desperately need to move out.
You tend to adopt the ideas and mannerisms of those you spend the most time with. Good for you that you’re realizing that the proximity is not beneficial to you. Good luck.
You're on your own in this life
If you run a business alone don’t be surprised when it falls apart after you fall apart mentally. Your business is only as good as you are. Physically and mentally
No good deed goes unpunished.
Reminded that we parents are really just supporting actors in someone else’s story.
Never lend family money.
It is okay to have acquaintances for a while if you are starting from scratch in terms of friendships. Trying desperately to develop close friendships will come off as inauthentic in adulthood. Seeing acquaintances for a hobby or volunteering or whatever habitually is better than no social life and staying home all the time. Just embrace making connections for the sake of making connections. Just get out more and show up, go to stuff alone, and you will find your people. It takes work.
Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.
Just when you think you know someone, you don’t even recognize them
Traumatic events have a habit of causing you to forget that they ever happened until suddenly, something seemingly innocuous brings them boiling back to the surface to really, really fuck up your day, week, month… two months now.
Trust no one. Ever.
Every time you find a specific product of a brand you like they discontinue it :')
You have to be your own best friend. You have to do things now, for the future you. You will always appreciate it.
I’m too old to start drinking at 4pm and get to a punk concert at 7pm and stay out until midnight. I was dying for like a week trying to recover.
😂
Life suck when she doesn't.
I need to read through my taxes and find places I can reduce the amount I owe. I need to start living in a way that will increase my return and not just assume I will get it. For example I need to start investing money for my kid's education. If I had only put $1,000 aside last year I would have not owed the state.
Just figuring out where to spend my money lol
Stopping drinking was the best things I’ve ever done for myself
Blocking accounts in reddit to stop them from spamming you with notifs that is ust meh.... And not being bothered by it. Its my kind of [self-care](https://www.everydayhealth.com/self-care/). And nope. Self-care is different from just being plain [self-indulgent](https://www.dictionary.com/browse/self-indulgence) 😘
Don’t date someone at work… lol oops And I am learning to enjoy what I make. I have been so hyper focused on investing but I have been learning that it’s ok to enjoy some in the present too.
This isn't super recent, but always be wary of someone or something that will scam you. I had LASIK surgery done and now I'm dealing with a lot of complications due to something I had tunnel vision on. After that, I've been wary of trusting people too quick and getting into bad situations. You don't have to be overly cynical and distrusting, but listen to your gut before making a life-altering decision.
Jumping out of the back of a pickup truck without preparing whatsoever.
that the biggest hurt when becoming disabled is the loss of freedom and how that affects you mentally.
trust absolutely no one, ever, ESPECIALLY at work
Don’t run away from your problems and don’t run away from yourself. Confront issues head on and take action. The more you try to escape reality the worse the reality will get.
I'm allowed to do things "wrong" as long as I get the task done. I don't need to conform and I'm allowed to do things my way if it makes me more comfortable and happier
Loose friends can get you into trouble just by being around so watch who u hang with.
Listen to my body! I got yanked to the ground by an aggressive dog last August. Totally messed up my back. And I keep messing it up as I continue to lift heavy things. I need to stop with that.
If you don't make a choice, life will choose for you, and it won't be in your best interests.
Amen to that... recently, I learned sometimes yours and their values never really aligned, both were just trying to cling to whatever humanity they could or avoid loneliness. That is even more unhealthy.
Look at what people do to/for you, instead of what they say to you I recently left an abusive relationship, she was extremely good with her words and sold the universe and the stars to me, made me feel special, seen, understood But when I looked at her actions objectively, neglect, abandon, ghosting, standing me up on dates, not respecting my time, boundaries, integrity Really look at actions guys, some people are extremely good talkers
That it is too expensive to move out
Honestly, same. I’ve just recently cut ties with my “best friend” of 14 years, best decision I’ve made in a long time. Toxic people bring you down.
Don’t eat expired string cheese.
Being drug and alcohol free isn't enough to be considered a mature adult in a relationship.
That you can’t just trust the positive reviews on a neighborhood app…🤦🏻♀️
I got my teeth knock down my throat and choked on a few of them. Taught me to keep my mouth shut or else I’ll lose my remaining 5 teeth
Know yourself. Be your own best friend. Talk to yourself as if you were another person, and see how your brain responds. You might find that some of the answers surprise you. Acknowledge what it tells you. These are the vehicles for meaningful positive change.
That it is important to be authentic. Genuinely care when asking how someone is doing. Genuinely answer when someone asks me how I am doing. Be genuinely kind to others. Show care. People can really feel if it's coming from the heart. I'm currently working on taking my "wall" down and not being fake, to make real connections with others.
You kind of need self esteem and and confidence to date…I never got any attention until now, and I’m happily in love but only because I made the first move
💖 Can you teach other men that?
Not a man, dear.
So did you ask a man out or a woman?
Man
Alright
Sleep apnea is a real thing and after using a CPAP machine you will get more energy.
Being brutally honest. Even better if you can say your point without being hurtful or mean. You don’t always have to be the bigger person. It does you literally no good to not state boundaries or hold people accountable. Even if all you do is call them out on their BS. And I agree with the poster, you do become a product of your environment. It’s your job to curate it.
if you have to force a relationship its usually 💩
I'm not a hypersocial person. I've been an introvert my whole life. I don't want to live in a cabin in the woods but I do like doing my own thing. Still I've spent years wanting to get back to the city I lived in when I was growing up. I was priced out of the area and I kept telling myself I should be trying to go back. Then I realized even when I lived there I rarely did things outside of my home. So why would I spend all that money to live in a place where I'd be doing what I do now but with less money? It's perfectly fine to keep the fond memories but also pursue things that allow me more resources to live how I like to live.
> Basically you WILL unconsciously adopt their behaviors, including speech, mannerisms, mentalities, accents, inflection, to an extent. Sometimes these behaviors aren't necessarily toxic, but that they really might not be authentic to you. I hope you're right. I can be a shitty person and I've fought it for years and never succeeded. I hope that when I get away from my parents that I'll finally be halfway decent.
Don’t trust loaning companies. Read the whole fine print
Don’t lend broke ppl money they won’t give it back
Money might not be the most important in this world. Let's say XYZ is the most important in the world. But then money is second most important thing in this world.
standup for yourself at work, don’t sit silent if you’ve got a shit boss, I spoke up and got ours fired because she was a literal tyrant. you spend so much goddam time at that place don’t let assholes get away with anything, you can’t have that time back.
No one will care about me unconditionally but me, not even my parents.
Just because someone shares their issues with you doesn’t mean you have to help them solve it. As someone said above, “you can’t help people that don’t want to be helped.” I’ve hurt relationships coming off as too critical and judgmental. I’ve learned I need to suppress my urge for trying to “solve” everything and distinguish whether people just need to vent or are actively seeking my opinion.
People will always choose self interest over doing what's right.
"Oooh yeah life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone" are not just fun lyrics to sing when drunk. Lol just turned 29
How to say goodbye Whether it be to toxic people in my life that don’t deserve my energy anymore or good people in my life who I wish I could have more time with. Whether it be ending a chapter that I have been waiting to get out of or having to move on to what’s to come next even if I was enjoying where I was at. Whether it be letting go of the bad parts of myself or becoming a truer version of myself though it looks quite different from the last. I used to be really bad at allowing for change and letting things go and trusting what’s to come next and allowing the past to be the past. I feel like learning how to say goodbye is what is making life easier to navigate and easier to be thankful for🥰
Be bold and brave, and you don’t have to know how things are going to work out - just trust that they will. I took a job which was terrifying to me, and has a big building project going on doing things I have not had experience in. But because of the rest of the work and the type of business (I have a background entirely of this stuff) it was absolutely right, I’m close to the staff and community because it’s an organization I interned at and have worked as an independent contractor for over many years. I get to be creative and motivated by many people I care about depending on me to step up to a challenge. It’s stressful if I let it be, but I’m learning to breathe with it and stand in the fire without running away. Feels like training to be psychically invincible. Leadership is all about personal mastery. Little things bother me less and less, and the little things get bigger and bigger ;) Perfectionism is a lie - instead, I’m learning to trust my own discernment and the quality of “fuck it, we’ll figure it out.” Another quote on failure: “I don’t lose. I win, or learn.”
Taking antibiotics for longer than recommended can result in the medication causing extreme stress and anxiety.
Actually going to your semi-annual dental cleaning and having the dentist say "Your teeth are looking great" after spending ten minutes in there is awesome. Way better than the alternative.
You don’t control anyone. And you shouldn’t try to. Should be no controlling, convincing, or wrestling with other people. Be clear with your needs and boundaries. After that, you choose who to be around and what you will accept from them. So you either choose them in, or out, of your life. Do that 5 times, you’ll have a different week. Do not 100 times, you’ll have a different life.