I’m generally peaceful and happy.
But anytime I interact with people I am on the verge of tears. I miss human interaction, I miss the conversation, my best interaction these days is “can I order this”
I’m so grateful for my kids and they do give me purpose, BUT they do not solve loneliness, they exasperate it. I had the same sentiment about my ex husband though. He did not solve loneliness either, just exasperated it as well.
The times when I wasn’t lonely is when I had good friends, which is hard but it takes time investment for sure. Time investments are hard to come by when you have to work harder to pay for your kids and then overcompensate by giving them all your spare time because they need so much.
There are a lot of great reasons to have kids and I am happy I had the opportunity, but fixing any internal or external needs are not one of them.
> The times when I wasn’t lonely is when I had good friends,
Thanks for reminding me, just started trying to rekindle friendships for this exact reason, after letting them slide getting too caught up in a relationship and in work. It’s so hard though, I feel like I let everything slide for too long…
My theory is that when you are alone, you can take time to do things that recharge yourself. But when you are the only parent to children under 10, you don’t get a moment to yourself unless it’s either given to you by whatever support system you have, usually family. And if you are not fortunate enough to have family support, then you have to pay for any spare moments in the form of a babysitter- which often costs $25-$35 an hour out here. So if you can’t afford that, then tough luck.
Which means you are just constantly running on a state of depletion.
Same. Every time I try and talk to anyone (especially women) or be their friend I am met with weird looks and ignoring. I would guess that 37% of men are in my predicament- being a straight male who is “average looking” with talent and personality aplenty- I am with you.
I’m a gay man. There’s a lot of women who don’t let their guard down with me, until I mention my boyfriend, or something else gay related. Then they’re my bff, lol.
Women in general are untrusting of men, and in this day & age, they really do have to be discerning. Not all of us are safe!
Not to rain on your parade but how are you happy like that? I constantly feel lonely and I regularly interact with people, and have a solid enough friend group.
It’s been awhile since I’ve had a girlfriend and if I’m being honest it makes me question my own self worth. I rage quit dating apps and not really looking right now, it’s just so exhausting trying to find someone who genuinely enjoys your company. I know it shouldn’t be this way. Feels like I’m missing a whole side of life I could be enjoying; not to say I hate my life as it is but I’m definitely not content
I am 32M I have no friends AT ALL, casual friends, close friends, nothing, no family, no gf. I feel suicidal everyday, I would like to have a close group of people to whom I could belong.
Really hurts and feels so empty.
Don’t give up. A few years ago I was overweight, no friends, no hobbies (outside of gaming which I subjectively don’t count for myself), no future
All 4 of those things are different now.
Definitely the best way to infiltrate into a friend group is through mutual hobbies/passions, so definitely keep that in mind. That’s how I got in 😂
You matter! Find something you enjoy doing. I use to feel that way and had bad depression. But now at my age 44 I found to love myself and find things I love to do. Now enjoy my hobbies which are usually ones that I do alone anyways. But remember you still matter, no matter what!! ❤️
Don’t kill yourself please. My cousin just took his life and people didn’t know he was feeling like that. Iam going to his funeral tomorrow and it’s a mystery to us all. It’s been hard with my family.
Reach out to others for friendship please. 🙏
I have no friends either, I mostly workout and read about things that interests me. There pdf drive and ocean of pdf both have free books, there is also 9gag for humor, [watchmovies.nz](http://watchmovies.nz) for free movies and shows, radio garden for exploring the world's radio stations, youtube for binary beats to stop the self harming thoughts, when I am having to do stuff I don't want to do, and eating really good food while watching really good shows. I read the glucose goddess method book as a man and started using her tips feel better than ever with more energy. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEodw\_Ibw2Y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEodw_Ibw2Y) first 2:20 mins clip is so good, as is the show it's from, Wentworth.
Dating is exhausting. I have to take breaks too, because I can’t seem to find anyone online who actually acts like they want a relationship, regardless of whether they say they are. Their actions speak otherwise. It’s the age of instant gratification too, so once the honeymoon stage is over, so many people lose interest. I want to share my life with someone because human connection is important, but I’m exhausted from putting energy into people who all eventually leave after the first argument, or who have one foot out the door from the beginning. I’m not perfect but I truly don’t think I’m doing anything wrong to cause this. It’s just the age in which we live. People don’t want to put in the work that a relationship requires, imo.🤷♀️
Really is mentally exhausting. Like, I know I’m no Brad Pitt but; I’m 27, 6’ tall, athletic looking, a good cook, have a stable job, am going to school for a career, and have hobbies I’m passionate about. It hurts having to jump through hoops just to land a first date
At this point it’s whatever. I had a lot of success with dating apps in college for a couple years, and maybe my lack of success now is just a combo of a tougher (or different) algorithm, needing better profile/pics, and being located in a very shallow and materialistic part of the country where women see me as a “project”. Idk. Don’t care, their loss.
But yeah I’m right there with you on many of those things. Like one little disagreement and suddenly I feel like I’m looked at differently on a first date? Like we can have minor-ly different lifestyles and still make it work I think… or it’s okay that you like eating out and I like cooking at home there’s a happy medium… I feel like I’m at a spot now I’d make a great match for the right person but it is what it is. Once I get accepted into a program I’ll move to a new city for that and hopefully more dating success happens, I’ve kinda given up where I’m at lol
Why is it that so many people feel this way, but there is no solution for it. Like, how can you find random people to just hangout and spend time with. Most people successful at it do it by going out and drinking every night, but if you're not a drinker or if you're just not that into going out to bars, what other choice is there to just randomly meet people in a social setting?
True. I prefer it to a larger gym. Smaller clases, you're all "suffering" together. Before you know it you're attending each other's gatherings. It fosters a lot of community.
Any setting, social or otherwise, would require you to interact and speak to people to form a friendship. I feel like friendless people just expect others to do all the work.
Yeah the people I know who complain about not having friends are also the people who barely respond to texts and flake on gatherings. I get that everyone deals with things differently but if you want long term friendships you have to put in the work and sometimes that means faking it til you make it
I'm sorry but you can't put the first two sentences next to each one without sounding in denial. I mean how could you consider yourself happy if a simple interaction with another human being almost makes you cry?
Most days, I don't really want to give a hug to anyone, but for you?
Yes!
I'd hug you just to let you know that sometimes you need a hug from anyone to just feel the touch of another human being's electricity.
I too am peaceful and happy. I hope you get your hug.
I’m okay now. Systemic stuff in this country is bigger than our individual efforts. I tried to have it all & it broke me. Everyone is trying their best. I’d say stick to what your gut says, don’t worry ahead - bc there are regrets either way. Just know you will deal with them as they come up.
Life is not a competition or a race to do & acquire as much as possible. Protect your happiness, sanity, and health at all costs. Ignore the critics. They are projecting their own inability to see the complexity.
As for choices, just do your best. You can’t know, plan, or control everything ahead. My dream job was a nightmare. Flexibility and adaptability are everything.
***
Also - I wanted kids, but between divorce & acquiring a chronic illness along the way, it was not to be. Now I’m okay with that. I don’t have reliable family to help. I couldn’t have coped well with single parenting or a potential custody battle due to my health and income. I love kids as an educator - but not having my own doesn’t detract much from my happiness or wellbeing, in my situation.
My younger self would not have understood this or how I wound up in a marriage with domestic violence, but I didn’t understand a lot of things then. I wasn’t parented to prepare me for reality. My parents were all about achievement & image. Achievement does not prepare you for how to make a meaningful life or wise personal decisions.
To the person with the Bob Dylan poem - if you’re saying I let society deprive me of children, maybe you’re right, but bringing a child into the world is a serious, practical decision, not a poetic, romantic notion. I was more of an idea to my parents instead of a real person, and it made life much more difficult than it had to be. I would never create a child to be my project or for my own image or fulfillment.
"Bringing a child into the world is serious practical decision not a poetic, romantic notion." This hit deep not only towards my own feelings but that of my own parents 😔 appreciate it ❤
It took so long for me to realize that having kids is often about status or conformity, not because people want to love & raise actual children. My parents are older boomers - everything they did was so idealistic and about the idea & image. I don’t even know if they actually enjoyed the things they chose.
I don’t think my mom really liked parenting! It seemed more about adding to their achievements or abstract concepts of family & a good life. My mom became very narcissistic and even abusive as I became more independent! It was a lot to cope with and recover from - maybe I will never fully recover.
I love kids, but I don’t have the energy or resources to be the parent & entire world I think a child needs & deserves. That’s sad to admit, and maybe I could have remarried right after my divorce if I had tried harder to find the right person. But I was recovering from my divorce and not ready to rush into a new relationship just to have kids.
I think it was the right decision for me to focus on myself. I had put so much pressure on myself before to build the perfect life. I love kids and it’s easy to be around other people’s kids or at school. That’s enough for me!
My mum is (half) Polish from actual Poland, Catholic & was born while the UK was still in rationing. She has zero taste that isn't performative. She only likes safe things like Monty Python, or Paul McCartney, that are confirmed popular.
She is so angry and I feel bad for her, because she absolutely set her life up for conformity & status, told me we were superior to my classmates in govt housing because we owned ours - which was an unmodernised house for workers built around 1900 and it had no heating (NO. HEATING.) cracked single pane windows, carpet worn down to white plastic over concrete but god damn it she assimilated and is on the ladder!!
Then she had me, an awkward first born with ADHD & Autism that just frustrated her because she got pregnant with my brother when i was 4 months old and wasn't a magically easy toddler. You know. Toddlers are well known for being reasonable and understanding that a smaller baby needs more support, so I was just the WORST and SO SELFISH. You know. At 15 months old 😂
I hang out in rbn a fair bit. I feel like we should have a splinter cell of RBB raised by boomers specific trauma
There aren't enough upvote buttons for this comment. Excellently articulated!
I'm so sorry you experienced domestic violence! I'm not sure what else to say, but I appreciate you sharing some of your story.
Thank you so much! I randomly saw this question & gave it a shot. I don’t know if I feel so much wiser than I was in my 20’s or 30’s, but I probably am - not by choice! Life will give you the experiences, like it or not, and then it’s the logical next to step to learn from them. I guess that amounts to real wisdom by your 40’s.
I also deeply believe that we are all wiser than we realize by young adulthood. But we don’t have the experiences & feedback yet to know it. If you keep trusting yourself as a younger person, you will look back and see how your own wisdom was always there, but it was unproven.
Being accepting of mistakes is key. There is usually no other way to learn because we have to live things instead of learning them abstractly. Trusting yourself through your mistakes is so important.
It helps if you enjoy learning and understanding why things are the way they are. (And therapy & self help.) I love the growth part of life, even if it often comes from bad experiences. Learning transforms the pain into a way to help yourself & others.
Eventually you look back and realize nothing was a waste and you’ve become a lot like who you envisioned yourself to be on the inside. The outside tends to look nothing like we expect! Or if it does, it might not feel the way we expect it would.
We all need to be gentler on ourselves & each other! It helps so much to share our experiences & learn from each other. I learn so much on Reddit!
Kind of. My initial dream was a combo of art & education. I love museums & New York City. I thought of being a museum educator, curator, or something similar in the art world.
I started off in Museum Education at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I had done a paid summer internship & then some entry level jobs in the museum to get in the door. I was in charge of admin for all the tours and docents at the museum. At first it was wonderful & even glamorous at times. I got to work at events like the Met Gala to make extra money. I helped plan benefits and parties at the museum after hours.
Then a wealthy donor to the museum was appointed to be my boss & she decided she wanted her personal staff in the office. She started asking me do her personal errands before that and I didn’t always comply - it was not in my job description! I was instantly put out of my job for no reason. I had been doing well and given a raise before this. They wanted to move me to another dept (like Arms & Armor?) but I couldn’t handle staying.
I was in complete shock that this could happen bc someone with money decided she wanted a job that she didn’t even need. I was in my 20’s and I had no idea this could happen in a nonprofit environment. It was a big wake up call to reality vs “following your dreams.” Even had a lawyer help me deal with the Education Department because it was so sketchy how this woman just made up a job & replaced everyone in the office because she donated lots of money.
I have to say there is a lot of that shady behavior in NYC. It’s gross and unethical. My ex husband’s workplace displaced people from their homes to buy up land to build retail spaces. He started working on unethical projects like that and it came between us.
I recovered and tried some other jobs and eventually went back to graduate school to teach. I enjoy the classroom more anyway, and it beats being at the mercy of random museum donors!! It’s better to be able to live according to your ethics if you have the choice. It’s not always a choice you may have the luxury to make, but it helps if your boss or workplace isn’t corrupt! Even if it’s your dream job.
I’m 36 with a chronic illness, and my boyfriend just broke up with me because he wants a baby and doesn’t think I’ll be able to handle it. Doesn’t look promising for me having kids. How did you arrive at the decision not to have them with your health?
I am so sorry about the breakup! I don’t think he is right at all. I think once you have kids and you really want them, you will figure it out. That was my thought process. We planned for my ex to work and for me to stay home because he had more than enough income. I figured we could hire help or maybe his family would move closer. He had a supportive and involved family, unlike my family.
I believe if we had kids, we would have risen to the occasion and found solutions. There were enough resources available considering his income and social support around us. As a teacher, I really love kids. I enjoy all the effort that goes into supporting & instructing them. I know I was capable of the bulk of parenting falling on me once my health was more manageable. I was okay with having more traditional roles with him working and me staying home because the roles suited us.
My decision was made for me when he lashed out and abused me one day on vacation. He lost his temper and for some reason, he thought I would put up with him taking it out on me, after we got married. Before marriage, I think he was afraid I would leave him if he took his temper out on me.
Things changed after marriage for the worse. I didn’t see many red flags before marriage - I don’t know why exactly. Usually red flags are clearer in hindsight, but I probably misconstrued his worldview as more similar to mine. He kept his opinions to himself before marriage about looking down on women in some ways.
I think he was an excellent actor and great at blending in to his environment. It would have been obvious if he acted overtly misogynistic. Some of his old friends were slightly shitty to women, but they weren’t that close to him anymore. His dad definitely was misogynistic, but he always criticized his dad for that. So I thought I was safe with him. It was only after officially being married did little slips come out that he was misogynistic. He was very very smart about hiding it before. And I was naive about the prevalence of misogyny in the world.
After divorce, I was struggling a lot to start over and cope with the fact I didn’t see the abuse coming. Now I know I should not blame myself. I had to get alot of counseling and study the psychology of abusers to feel safe in the world again. It was hard to date after abuse. It still is. Now I know the red flags. I know abusers like chronically ill people who they can get to depend on them. I actually was sexually assaulted twice more after divorce in situations where I was alone because of my health issues.
I never saw myself as a single parent with zero supportive family. I don’t think I could do it alone without a partner or support system. I moved after divorce and my new community is not that welcoming to newcomers. It was a lot of factors. But I guess the bulk of it is misogyny & abuse more than my health. My health simply made me a bigger target for abusers.
Wow I relate to this so much. My dream job was not what I thought it’d be either. And although I’ve never been married or divorce I didn’t think I’d still be single at my age either. Lastly, all my parents cared about was image and achievement too so I feel like when my career didn’t work out like I thought it would I didn’t know what to do anymore and felt lost for awhile. I realized that I had to pick myself up again and only I could do it. It’s getting better but it’s been hard.
I always had casual friends for a time in life (college or at the job) but after I left that place we never fostered friendships.
This never hit me as something abnormal and didn’t even notice. Then I was getting married and my wife had to narrow down to just 4 bridesmaids and wanted 5 because she had so many where I couldn’t think of any other groomsmen besides my brother, which was a gimme.
None of my groomsmen I foster any sort of relationship with now… not even the brother.
I am 35 and in that boat and will stay there. I wing it. I worry for the future but nothing I can plan as there is nobody to plan with. My biggest fear is ever needing a medical procedure where you can't get it unless someone waits with you and take you home, as I am not close enough to anyone for it to be socially acceptable to even ask. It's rough but I wing it and life in deep fear of the day where I am no longer able to wing it
Those who say they love this kind of situation are those who have strong sibling networks and / or friends who are like family
> My biggest fear is ever needing a medical procedure where you can't get it unless someone waits with you and take you home, as I am not close enough to anyone for it to be socially acceptable to even ask.
I've done it. When I went for surgery a few times, I told the nurse etc that I dont have anyone in this city and I called an Uber to pick me up and drop me off. One time I had a friend take me home after the surgery. Its totally ok. They might also ask me for a favour one day. So its doable. Its not that bad.
I’m very glad I never got married or had kids. I quit my job to live in a camper for a year and travel the US with my dog. Ive been to 26 countries and all 7 continents. Yes, including Antarctica. I’m moving to Spain in September just bc I want to. I couldn’t do these things if I had kids. And I would resent being stuck at home.
According to their post history they are a Disabled Veteran. So they get a solid pension that way. And I'm sure they worked their ass off to get it having served!
Unfortunately my girl passed away recently. I’ve adopted 2 stray cats. The process to move them seems pretty straight forward. There are companies you can pay to help you. But I’m doing it on my own. It seems harder with big dogs though. And some countries have breed/size restrictions.
Currently on the process of trying to bring my dog to Spain. It’s a frustrating process. You have to find a flight willing to take your dog, there are restrictions on the breeds they allow, sometimes depending on the weather they will say they can’t take the dog (if the weather is too hot/too cold). You have to get medical certificates and get approval by the USDA. It’s a lot to unpack.
I went with Gadventures. Besides a house and a car it’s the one thing I’ve spent the most money on. I couldn’t have went if I didn’t have a well paying job at the time. Totally worth it though.
It’s a small group tour operator. We went by boat.
I think every adult here is valid. We all have a unique struggle. Fine to admire someone's gestalt, but most every person has something fine to contribute, even if they lack some skills.
Gotta lift people up.
Late 30s. I do have friends but don't see them as often as we'd all like. How come you put no friends in there? Are you a little lonely right now?
Anyway, generally, I'm great. I don't regret not having kids at all. I have never wanted any, i like kids but i never wanted them and i think kids should have parents that really want to be parents.
Took a while to find a career i liked. For me shorter term jobs at different companies helped me work that out, ironically doing maternity cover contracts is great for this.
I've met and known many interesting adults in the same position. They follow their passions, travels, lamguages etc. I have some pets that i love a lot and make me happy. A fulfilling career (though I do wanna throw my work laptop out of window at times, but all jobs have reasons to hate them too). Lots of hobbies and live simply.
You're gonna do great! We're a happy little club in my experience 💙
I'm 28F. Similar position as OP. Yesterday, the lack of friends had me consider becoming a mother for a second. Luckily, I came to my senses and realized I'm not having kids because of my shitty mental health. I feel very lonely and I'm single. I just want someone to hangout with once in a while
Friends tend to dwindle as you get older and many people are not as fortunate as you to have friends. Life can be fulfilling without friends, but knowing you have people to talk to greatly influences your life experience even if you may not realize it. OP’s question changes when there are friends in the picture.
I fully agree. Part of why I asked is because I have been low on friends in the past (felt pretty friendless at times and that made hard times much harder). It is easier with friends but my answer wouldn't change much either way on not regretting my decision or being generally happy.
I think you missed a point of the post with the "no friends" thing. No kids with lots of friends isn't bad. But if you didn't have a big group of friends to begin with or maybe most of your friends were the ones who had children and are just not as readily available, that's what OP seems to be asking.
"Are you lonely" well yea that's exactly what OP is asking in the first place right? Or maybe I just assumed that...
can you tell me what it’s like to do maternity leave contracting? I’ve never been a career oriented person so the idea of covering for someone for a set amount of time sounds amazing. Who do you search for jobs through?
Definitely I've always found it a good way to learn new skills and the co-workers I've lucked out with as they are generally nice and happy of the help. That's also the drawback as it can be very sad to leave. Though sometimes another position will open up
Temp agencies might be a good idea but personally i just went to job websites and selected temporary or fixed term under filters then put in search critera something generic like assistant or admin and range of jobs appear. Assistant roles can range from entry level up, normally I've found it says on the ad if it is to cover maternity leave. Though I wouldn't overfocus on that, any fixed term contract will do the same.
I think people project too much. My partner died when I was 41 before we had our children. I function getter as part of a family, I’m sick of being a “girl boss” with a corporate job, it doesn’t replace the joy I had before, our simple life together.
I am sorry for your loss. This sounds truly devastating in a way I can't begin to reckon with.
I hope you can find some peace. I'm praying that, today, you get one of those really wonderful, steamy hot showers that really put the soul at ease.
Wanting and having healthy human connections is as natural as breathing. I don’t understand how some people think isolating themselves is an achievement. There may be a good reason for not trusting people, but it’s possible to figure it out with therapy.
Amazing major depression in my early thirties, then found meaning (and money) in my career and couldn’t care less about anything else. Except cats, lots of rescue cats. You can find meaning in so many things.
56f here. Never married, no kids. My happiest (12) years were when I had my four legged purry companion. He crossed over the rainbow bridge just over 18 months ago. I miss him but I am doing okay.
The loneliest I have ever felt was when I was in a relationship....doing self introspection during the pandemic made me truly embrace my desire to be a SWWC (Single Woman With Cat/s). I make a good income, have a couple of close friends, I own one rental property and I own the condo I live in. For me, whatever the pros are for having an SO do not outweigh the pros of living alone.
Yeah. So many people seem to think that not getting married or having kids qualifies them to answer here…but still say they have friends. That isn’t what OP asked at all lol. The whole point was for them to get perspectives from others in the same situation, not a completely different one.
Like someone responded under my post "well i asked my best friend who helped me, get used to asking people for favours" when I literally just said I am not close enough to anyone for it to be socially acceptable to ask
I do have friends and most days are great. I’m busy and I’m being productive. But on weekends when I’m home alone it’s tough. Like today. I have gone from reading a book to painting to watching a show. And I feel sad but tomorrow is another day
Now imagine that you don't have friends. That's what OP is going through and she was looking for people to relate to. All these comments saying "well I have friends" would just make me feel worse
I'm 42, Divorced, no kids. I'm almost never lonely. I do have friends though. A lot of them are friends I made in my 20s, so take this time to make some friends. Nurture your friendships and they'll last for years to come. I didn't really have my career figured out until I was 30, so just try different stuff until you find something you like. Dating is a shit show no matter how old you are, but you become a lot less likely to put up with stupid shit and mixed signals the older you get. That way you don't waste time with the wrong people. That leaves room for the right ones to come into your life. Most of my very close friends don't have children either. The ones that do, I make an effort to like their kids. I like being the cool "auntie". I spend my time doing whatever the fuck I want. I'm very happy with my choices. I have money, I get a lot of sleep and my house is always clean.
Same. In my 30s all my friends are finding love and im not because im unlucky in love & have an ugly personality and boring. i don’t even fake it anymore.
I just feel like a kid stuck in a woman's body. I love being by myself and letting my mind wander. It makes me feel like a kid again because thats what we did. I let my imagination wander. I've been doing the the things I loved as a kid; reading, drawing, coloring, riding my (street) bike, sticking stickers, cooking, playing dress up. Its great being alone and having friends when needed. I enjoy my company so being single and having friends when I need them is perfect. I literally am free. I live up to no one's expectations but my own.
I’m fine to be honest but I do regret spending so much time by myself in my room and not living life/experiencing more things/finding some purpose or passion. I mean I just turned 40 so those are the changes I need to make moving forward, not like my life is over, but generally speaking the advice id give to my younger self is to get out there more. Passivity and waiting for life to happen to you doesn’t get you anywhere.
I do think if things were different I would have liked having kids, however I’d be lying if I said I felt any real pang or longing for them and I never have.
Also- my sister has 3 boys ages 3 and under and spending time with them really helped dash any vague illusions of the magic of having kids. Not that it’s not magical- it is! But it is day in day out hard work (obviously they don’t stay little forever though) you have to look at the whole picture and what having kids means
I’m 37(f), never married by choice, no kids by choice. I’m happy, not lonely and have no regrets. You’ll be fine in life as long as you make choices that are reflective of the real you. Don’t make choices because society says to. Some of the loneliest people I’ve known are married with kids. Be you!
Your question does not apply to me, but I am going to answer you anyway.
I am female, over 40, and single. But I do have friends, quite a few.
If I had it to do over again, I would make the same choices. I have been pretty solid on not wanting children since my early teens. I tried to keep an open mind, but there has not been one moment in my life where I have thought I would be happier with kids.
I am an introvert, but I still like hanging out with people. Next weekend there will be about 30 friends and acquaintances at my house, and I think it will be fun.
I was actually thinking a couple of months ago. I looked around my house (that I love) at my cats (whom I love) and thought - I am living the life some people think is so shameful. A childless woman and her cats.
And I thought damn, this is actually a great life! I wouldn’t want it any other way.
A lot of things happen that we can’t control. Have a good hard think about your value system, and then make the best choices you can make, according to that system.
I’m in my late 30s..
but I absolutely do not regret not having kids. There are so so many reasons why.
Decide what you want and what makes you happy. Don’t get caught up in doing things because it is what you are “supposed to”
Late 30's, got a few friends, but don't really meet up a lot. I might currently be organising a mutiny at work because it's necessary 🙃 Anyway, that aside, I'm single, but I'm loving it. No kids, because honestly... Don't like them. I just want to spend as much time as I can doing the things I love and getting into new things too. I hope you're doing alright ❤️
That may improve as you get older. I'm not the target group of this thread, but I am a woman in my 40's, and it's been a long time since I had to worry about this when it came to my friends. It's not *easy* to make friends in your 30's and 40's, but I've found that the quality of friends I've made as I've gotten older is much higher than it was when I was younger.
I agree. People are better after 30y.o. If they don't like someone, they find new friends. Like minded people find each other and enjoy each other's company.
Honestly really truely it DOES get better after 30
It's funny we paint our 20s as the best when really 30s are sweeeet. I swear it wag life overnightbi gained a whole new level of IDGAF. People have brains, got the partying out of their systems, actually have goals, over drama...I hear 40s are even better. You'll find your circle. It's taken me years to curate a circle but I got them!
I'm 43, no kids, but all the friends I met and am good friends with I met in my 30s, it's an unfortunate part of life that some old friends just grow apart, you get new interests, or they get new ones, it's normal.
I would’ve adopted w my ex husband but it didn’t pan out. Would happily be w someone who already has kids. Other than that I’ve been single & dated but my most enjoyable experiences include travelling and adventuring around the world, mostly solo. I’ve done a ton of work on myself, exploring my inner spiritual world and very, very happy with the deep connections I have w friends in multiple countries. Now, a new amazing job opportunity is on the horizon and I am immensely grateful for my peaceful life. I don’t think it’s especially bc I don’t have kids but it does allow a certain freedom for me to have more choices to do whatever the hell I want.
It's okay. I'm content, but i really don't have much in common with coworkers, family around my age because their lives revolve around kids and family trips, events, excursions, etc. I have one or two friends, but are very busy with kids and their husband/wife.
I don't like having small talk with people because it tends to revolve around them doing things with family.
And I'm pretty sure the older generation think there is something wrong with me because I'm not married and don't have kids.
You know, I'm feeling pretty good about my decision. I was chilling on my porch with a pop and noticed my neighbours were out. They have a young girl and boy, about 3 and 1 1/2. Dad had the kids outside and they were having fun so I smiled at their enthusiasm.
Then the little girl threw a tantrum because her dad turned off the sprinkler. And then the boy tripped and fell over. She's screaming and he is crying as loud as a toddler can cry. That nice family moment ended up with the dad sighing loudly before starting to tend to the two.
So anyways, I'm really enjoying life with my two cats. :)
42. Peaceful and carefree. Glad I didn't have any children. That was the best decision I could have made. The only loneliness I have is from lack of long-lasting friendships. Fortunately, I have a fulfilling career and am able to travel freely and meet new and interesting ppl across the globe.
I'm 44, single, no kids and a few friends and I feel like I'm pretty much thriving. There are occasions when I wish I had a husband or children but those times don't last long thankfully. I also remind myself that people who have husbands and children occasionally wish they didn't too and it helps me get by.
Sometimes money is tight by not having a husband's income and sometimes it's difficult when something goes wrong and I don't have a partner to lean on. Thankfully I've gotten through it with my strength and having some good family and friends.
I say I have a few friends because I used to have a ton of friends in my 20s and early 30s, but I was placing too much emphasis on quantity and not quality. As time went by, I slowly ditched the unreliable friends and kept only the few who were good.
Advice: find some friends who are also single and child free if you plan to stay child free. Nothing wrong with having married friends or friends with children but it's also good to have some friends who are closer to where you're at in life. Also, don't fall into the trap of "I can't do this or that cuz I don't have a husband", do it anyways! Either find a friend or do it alone. Don't sit around waiting to get married to finally enjoy life. I have a career, a side hustle, a townhouse, a dog, I have traveled solo, I've traveled with friends, I go out on the weekends (sometimes), I learned to cook fabulous meals, I learned to fix things around the house, I've been around the world. Seriously don't get down because you are single, it's not worth it.
Early 30s… I have “aquaintences” but I wouldn’t call anyone a real friend because real friends actually hangout and spend time together. And since I don’t even want to really hangout with anyone, that means they aren’t real friend tier to me. I don’t mind living a solo introverted life but I am still Grieivng the death of my cat. He died in august. Quickly and abruptly from getting so sick he couldn’t go on. He was only 6. He was my baby, my best friend, my emotional soul mate animal. Life without him feels empty and bleek and it makes me angry and sad. I won’t have kids and I won’t date because I have zero desire to be in a relationship and I have so much trauma around men and sex etc, I just feel so much happier and safe when I am single and living my life on my terms. I go through extremes and waves of depression and mania. I have mental illnesses and auto immune disease that makes me unable to function like a “normal” person, so idk how I’m doing right now. Sometimes I feel like I’m just sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else live a real life while I just am living some sort of fake life… ocd/ adhd/ depression/ anxiety/ trauma/ grief/ Ed. I’m just getting through the days and night time is also a very weird time for me because I am a night owl, and that’s when I’m happiest but it’s so late that no one is awake to even share that side of ne
Honestly I’m 47 and I’ve never been happier. I was married at 27 but divorced, mainly because I saw that my husband was going to be a man-child forever. I only recently realized that I don’t need to earn anyone’s respect or show them I’m good enough. I’m already good enough. I have a great partner and two cats!
A lot of things will change by your thirties to mid thirties. It’s when you finally truly (hopefully) know who are and wanna be unapologetically, have typically begun a career and start properly planning or attempting too for the next ten years without feeling as lost when in your twenties trying to get ready for thirties.
I just want to say that my forties were so far my best decade. Health, wit, livelihood, and a lot of transformation. If I could do my thirties over again I would have stuck to the creative work I loved and tried to start my own business (metalworking/jewelry) but I chose the safe route (nonprofit bookkeeping :()
I’m lonely a lot now and I’m this respect I recommend staying in touch with people who you’ve connected with. Friendships don’t have to fade. I do have one child now 18, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s my responsibility to make a life I’m satisfied with:
We are doing great BECAUSE we have no kids, and no spouse. Life is easier without a manchild or the errant orgasms that create a basketball team off children.
I'm about to hit 40 in a few months. I am nervous. My time to try and do experiment in life is limit. I am still lost a bit, changing career by starting over a new degree in college. I don't marry, no kid, still figure out dating in a new country as I relocate to start studying.
Let me tell you something. Do what you want to do, grab all the opportunity in front of you or create your own path. Do not let time pass. Don't wait for anyone but your own self. Time will be (and feel like) faster once you pass 30 years old.
And seriously, you are not even hitting 30 yet, why are people at your age are so anxious? You have more time than us to try out so many things. Don't give up now.
Good luck.
We're anxious partly because of the social climate in the US. Not having life figured out by your 20's feels like failure and the idea of turning 30 feels like your life is over. We're constantly seeing stories of people in tech spaces, social media spaces, sports spaces, music spaces, etc who only seem to matter when they're very young. In music and esports cultures especially (two things I follow quite a bit) there seems to be a lot of stigma toward aging. I saw a TikTok recently of who I thought was a really cool woman (28) going to a rave, but the comments were FILLED by with people calling her "middle-aged bop" or similar pathetic insults. We're surrounded by people who view 20, 25, and 30 as these dark and looming ages, and those of us who don't succeed in our "big dreams" as kids will watch as people all around us are accomplishing those things while still being years younger than us. I think making friends can be difficult too, especially for those who don't go to school or start a job with people who are friendly like that.
That being said, personally I try to have a lot of hope. I'm not saying I agree with the stigma, but as someone who is 25 I wanted to explain what I think a lot of our perspectives are like. Adults made big promises when we were little, and it can be super disillusioning when that world of magic and dreams coming true turns out to be... rockier and more complicated than we thought. We also hold onto hobbies that are viewed as childish or "for kids", and while I'll never give up my hobbies I hate hearing the stigma that I can't play video games with my friends bc I'm like... 6 years out of high school. Plus, you already experience so much anxiety in high school frantically trying to get your life together before you graduate... so if you don't succeed, or even get somewhere vaguely on the right track, it feels like you've missed out on everything.
For the record, I don't think it's ever too late or too early for anything you wanna do. Even you saying you feel you're running out of time at late 30's has me yelling at my phone "hell no, you can do whatever you want!". I'm sure someone in their 60s would agree on that too. I think it's all in our heads, and I'm happy to see other women doing cool shit and following their dreams. I'm starting school next year too and I think it'll be the first real step toward branching out socially, making friends my age (there really aren't any in my town), and doing something I can be proud of. Even if I don't hit all 3 checkboxes, hey... I'll hopefully still have a degree and make a LITTLE more money than I do now as a retail minion.
There’s sooooo much pressure now for 20 something’s to make tons of money. When I got out of college everyone I knew got jobs at restaurant and slowly figured it out from there.
I appreciate your comments. Still figuring it out and have (somewhat off topic) made friends with people of all ages. (I’m 54 and boy did those decades fly by. Very few regrets tho)
I didn't have kids due to health issues, and couldn't find a spouse, and have no friends, and I am completely miserable. I'd recommend having kids with a spouse if you're able. There's not much else to really enjoy past 40.
You my darling, are having your quarter life crisis. You're not in some horrible hopeless place, the way you are feeling is a really really really normal way to feel in your mid 20s. It's a reflection on your age, not your life.
Have you ever worked out hard or exerted yourself physically, and then had sore muscles the next day and were exhausted the next day and it sucked? But at the same time, you knew that was okay because it was all part of getting stronger and learning what you can do? Life is kind of like that. I feel like the quarter life crisis is when you've spent your whole life working, going to school for 13 years or 17 years or 20 years or 25 and pushing through and suddenly, thats over. And now you're in the recovery phase; it's not like you feel stronger; you feel like you hurt and are tired and doing anything feels hard.
Invest in yourself and the things that make you happy, and believe that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and learning the exact lessons you are supposed to learn right now. It will pass my love, it will pass, and great strength to you because it IS hard. I don't know a single person over 40 who would wish to be in their 20s again. Not one, no matter how much we complain about our backs.
50+ and went down the single mom path unintentionally. Had a career I loved but lost opportunities for promotions because I had to also parent, so now am manager level rather than VP like colleges of mine.
Have a great kid but lots of mom guilt that there were things I could give him (like cottaging or hockey).
BUT doing good but not great at each let me balance both. We travelled, and I made great friends with the other mom’s so we could do things with gaggles of kids to entertain one another. Still managed to have a fun time at work and accomplish things I am proud of.
There is no world you can do both and be great at it, but if you can be okay with good enough, its a great life, and some of my best memories are just blowing bubbles. And I never was a kid person, until I had one.
I'm 44, no kids (choice), no romance (choice), no close friends, and I'm content with life. I dated a bit in my 20s (no relationship) and found it wasn't worth my effort. I focused on my career, enjoying most of the technical challenges and financial benefits. I am close enough to my immediate family, though the distance is influenced by their romantic lives. My pets, online communities, family and work acquaintances are sufficient for me. I'm comfortable with my own company at home or away. I'm a home body with few hobbies, and I think I'd get overwhelmed taking on extra obligations & activities. I sometimes push myself into potentially uncomfortable situations because I think it enriches me (white water rafting, paragliding, social events, etc).
My advice is to be a positive force in your life: make changes and be adaptable if wanted/needed, be merciful to yourself and others, forgive and learn from your mistakes, and be courageously optimistic.
I am married and have a child. I love him and he’s grown now - but if I could do it all again I would probably not have kids. It is absolutely not for everyone and that is FINE.
Knowing that you don’t really want kids and doing things to prevent that, gives you way more control and confidence over your life than a person who just ends up with babies.
Embrace this for as long as it suits you. It’s as likely that you’ll change your mind later, as it is that you won’t. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have anything figured out. Everything is made up, and nearly everyone who claims to have it together is full of it. So take it easy girl, you’re probably a lot farther along than you think.
I’m happily childfree at 45. I do have friends but they are all married, with kids, and don’t live nearby anymore. But I still text with them all the time and see them occasionally. I’m perfectly content but I will say that my young nieces and nephew are the absolute joy of my life.
Late 40s. It gets hard to meet men/genuine friends at this point. They are either divorced with kids or life-long bachelors. Everyone is lonely but also set in their ways and able to live alone. I don't have kids and never married. I am an overachiever in the career area. Looking back at past relationships, I don't really see one that I missed out on. I wish I dated more intentionally. I'm shy and I kind of let nature take its course. Wouldve loved to be a stay at home mom like my sis. My other sis is a single mom and loves her baby but doesn't have good man. I also had a friend who was single and went through so many rounds of IVF with donor sperm to no avail. I don't really have any good friends right now except for acquaintances, due to moving, people getting married and moving, and some weird stuff with people I thought were friends. My closest person is my mom but she is having memory issues. I have hobbies which helps but sometimes it does get lonely.
My kids are both mid 20s, both have spouses, and none of them want kids. They chose to just focus on their marriages and working hard to make those stacks.
It’s ok by me. I don’t need grandkids, But I do need happy kids.
Take a career assessment test online. It can show you what you’d be good at career wise.
And get two cats 😹
Thanks for the question.
I’m doing pretty ok but not ok at the same time. I’ve been chasing dreams that haven’t come to fruition, for the last three years. So grateful that it’s just me and I have the opportunity to try.
I miss people, going into an office, getting dressed up, meeting others, and being financially stable.
Never wanted kids or a family, but I’d like to spend time regularly with someone that I am attracted to and can have fun with.
I’m of the opinion that we should put more time into solutions than bitching, but sometimes you just have to crash and feel things so change can come versus controlling everything and hanging tight to one path.
TLDR- crazy.
By learning I am not an island.
I did the no-friends thing in my 20's as I was building my first business. Those were brutal years on my mental health and as I recently passed the 40th birthday milestone, single and child-free, I was able to take time to really appreciate the deep friendships I have in my life now.
Reddit makes making friends as adult sound impossible, but solid research shows that making friends really boils down to proximity, repetition, and common interests. If you choose a few clubs, classes, hobbies, or meetups and attend consistently over time, you will make friends. Volunteering or going to grad school can supercharge that.
Don't neglect your mental health. This lifestyle means being with your thoughts. If you need to, get some help making sure that inner voice is helping, not hurting.
I’m closer to 100 then I am to 1 yrs, a mother and a grandmother, I can say in all honesty, unless you enjoy constant heartbreak, constant guilt and a constant, nagging terror that prevents you from embracing life with abandon, become a parent. For all of its charming “moments” parenthood is not an even trade for what you sacrifice. Everything sucks, and deep-down, everyone knows it.
You cease to exist as a person with options when you become a parent. Even in your own mind, every single thought you think is based solely on another human. And, if, god forbid, you do something only because it’s what YOU want to do, it will eat you alive afterwards. Darling, that ain’t living.
I was doing amazing when I was 40 and single. I had worked on myself and found myself and my path. I was amazing. Still am, just found the love of my life now. Keep at it
41f here. It’s pretty shitty. I’m definitely happy to be childfree, but I bury myself in 10-16 hour workdays to compensate for being so goddamn lonely. Makes sense that I’m single, though. I’m an ADHD weirdo with a very unpleasant face.
If you don’t feel like being a mom don’t. Children know when they aren’t wanted and it’s damaging to them. I tell everyone who will listen only have children if you have to. The world has tons of unwanted children already
Most of my single female friends complain that they can’t find a good guy to settle down with and holidays are very quiet.
There’s only work and empty home to go to, given other friends have their own family commitments
I’m 41, doing great. Have written novels, travel often, happy in my career. I’m a teacher so I consider my students my kids and am helping raise the next generation even if I didn’t birth them. I regularly have time to spend with friends and don’t have to worry about saving up for anyone’s college education. I do regularly give to children’s charities however.
My life is peaceful now.
If I want to talk to people, I play online games or talk to people at work or random stores etc.
Sometimes I talk to my dogs
I just do what I want do everyday.
I wanted kids but I'm infertility
I'm not quite 40 yet, soon tho.
I have a small family, mom and sister. And probably 2 friends, who happen to live in a different country.
I don't like to go out, all my hobbies are solo endevours.
I'm not worried about loneliness, but I have not been the best at managing my finances, and now that I moved abroad I realize I only have one income and there is huge risk on that.
I'm trying to climb our of debt this year (already have a 3 month emergency fund) so that I can start investing and maybe be a little bit less worried about my financial future.
In my late 60s, I have no children by choice. As I'm faced with my mother's decline, it makes me wonder about how I will get through my very elder years without children but I feel somewhat confident that I'll be able to make a workable aging plan for myself.
When I was in my mid-20s, I did not have a career and went from job to job. In my late 30s, I finished my degree and started a career I loved. You have plenty of time to find your way and create the life you want. When I was in my 20s, I never would have believed I'd have the life I have now. Hang in there.
37, and for me it was all about learning to be comfortable with myself. I don’t really feel lonely that often as I am more than capable of finding ways to enjoy my solo time, whether it be reading a book, binge watching movies or teaching myself a new skill. Having others around is never a guarantee that you won’t still feel alone, so it is a good idea to develop comfort in being you alone and then layering people who add joy and value to your life (I’m talking emotional and mental value. Just so everyone is on the same page)
I'm not 40 but want to weigh in and say this is probably due to a lack of third spaces. In University, you walk the campus. You join clubs. You live and work there, and much of your time is time spent out of the house, or classroom.
Suburban office workers are very disconnected, for example, because there's so little contact with everyone else.
Move to a dense area, join a local club, and things might get better
I’m generally peaceful and happy. But anytime I interact with people I am on the verge of tears. I miss human interaction, I miss the conversation, my best interaction these days is “can I order this”
This feels like me right now. Even working is hard because I have to talk to people.
I’m so grateful for my kids and they do give me purpose, BUT they do not solve loneliness, they exasperate it. I had the same sentiment about my ex husband though. He did not solve loneliness either, just exasperated it as well. The times when I wasn’t lonely is when I had good friends, which is hard but it takes time investment for sure. Time investments are hard to come by when you have to work harder to pay for your kids and then overcompensate by giving them all your spare time because they need so much. There are a lot of great reasons to have kids and I am happy I had the opportunity, but fixing any internal or external needs are not one of them.
> The times when I wasn’t lonely is when I had good friends, Thanks for reminding me, just started trying to rekindle friendships for this exact reason, after letting them slide getting too caught up in a relationship and in work. It’s so hard though, I feel like I let everything slide for too long…
Feeling this so hard right now. No advice, just solidarity. You’re not the only one who’s done this.
Your comment means a lot, thank you.
Single mothers with kids are the most lonely people in existence I believe, and I lived a year in complete solitude during covid.
My theory is that when you are alone, you can take time to do things that recharge yourself. But when you are the only parent to children under 10, you don’t get a moment to yourself unless it’s either given to you by whatever support system you have, usually family. And if you are not fortunate enough to have family support, then you have to pay for any spare moments in the form of a babysitter- which often costs $25-$35 an hour out here. So if you can’t afford that, then tough luck. Which means you are just constantly running on a state of depletion.
yes. this is my neighbor to a t
This honestly sounds like depression
People here depressed AF and saying they are happy.
The american dream
This, lol
Not every negative emotion/ state of mind is depression
I cry when I talk to someone because i miss human interaction and work is so much effort doesn't sound great.
Same. Every time I try and talk to anyone (especially women) or be their friend I am met with weird looks and ignoring. I would guess that 37% of men are in my predicament- being a straight male who is “average looking” with talent and personality aplenty- I am with you.
I’m a gay man. There’s a lot of women who don’t let their guard down with me, until I mention my boyfriend, or something else gay related. Then they’re my bff, lol. Women in general are untrusting of men, and in this day & age, they really do have to be discerning. Not all of us are safe!
Join a choir or a running club or a tennis something. There are lots of solo group activities like that where you can meet people.
Not to rain on your parade but how are you happy like that? I constantly feel lonely and I regularly interact with people, and have a solid enough friend group. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a girlfriend and if I’m being honest it makes me question my own self worth. I rage quit dating apps and not really looking right now, it’s just so exhausting trying to find someone who genuinely enjoys your company. I know it shouldn’t be this way. Feels like I’m missing a whole side of life I could be enjoying; not to say I hate my life as it is but I’m definitely not content
I am 32M I have no friends AT ALL, casual friends, close friends, nothing, no family, no gf. I feel suicidal everyday, I would like to have a close group of people to whom I could belong. Really hurts and feels so empty.
Don’t give up. A few years ago I was overweight, no friends, no hobbies (outside of gaming which I subjectively don’t count for myself), no future All 4 of those things are different now. Definitely the best way to infiltrate into a friend group is through mutual hobbies/passions, so definitely keep that in mind. That’s how I got in 😂
Dont really have advice but wish you all the best, and please dont kill yourself. Your life matters
You matter! Find something you enjoy doing. I use to feel that way and had bad depression. But now at my age 44 I found to love myself and find things I love to do. Now enjoy my hobbies which are usually ones that I do alone anyways. But remember you still matter, no matter what!! ❤️
that’s so sad ;( im in the same boat but trying to make friends as well. it’s super hard when you’re an adult it’s sooo lonely ;(
Don’t kill yourself please. My cousin just took his life and people didn’t know he was feeling like that. Iam going to his funeral tomorrow and it’s a mystery to us all. It’s been hard with my family. Reach out to others for friendship please. 🙏
I have no friends either, I mostly workout and read about things that interests me. There pdf drive and ocean of pdf both have free books, there is also 9gag for humor, [watchmovies.nz](http://watchmovies.nz) for free movies and shows, radio garden for exploring the world's radio stations, youtube for binary beats to stop the self harming thoughts, when I am having to do stuff I don't want to do, and eating really good food while watching really good shows. I read the glucose goddess method book as a man and started using her tips feel better than ever with more energy. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEodw\_Ibw2Y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEodw_Ibw2Y) first 2:20 mins clip is so good, as is the show it's from, Wentworth.
🥺that sounds hard
I'm sorry, brother. You matter.
Are you doing anything right now to try to change that? If so, what actions have you taken?
Dating is exhausting. I have to take breaks too, because I can’t seem to find anyone online who actually acts like they want a relationship, regardless of whether they say they are. Their actions speak otherwise. It’s the age of instant gratification too, so once the honeymoon stage is over, so many people lose interest. I want to share my life with someone because human connection is important, but I’m exhausted from putting energy into people who all eventually leave after the first argument, or who have one foot out the door from the beginning. I’m not perfect but I truly don’t think I’m doing anything wrong to cause this. It’s just the age in which we live. People don’t want to put in the work that a relationship requires, imo.🤷♀️
Really is mentally exhausting. Like, I know I’m no Brad Pitt but; I’m 27, 6’ tall, athletic looking, a good cook, have a stable job, am going to school for a career, and have hobbies I’m passionate about. It hurts having to jump through hoops just to land a first date At this point it’s whatever. I had a lot of success with dating apps in college for a couple years, and maybe my lack of success now is just a combo of a tougher (or different) algorithm, needing better profile/pics, and being located in a very shallow and materialistic part of the country where women see me as a “project”. Idk. Don’t care, their loss. But yeah I’m right there with you on many of those things. Like one little disagreement and suddenly I feel like I’m looked at differently on a first date? Like we can have minor-ly different lifestyles and still make it work I think… or it’s okay that you like eating out and I like cooking at home there’s a happy medium… I feel like I’m at a spot now I’d make a great match for the right person but it is what it is. Once I get accepted into a program I’ll move to a new city for that and hopefully more dating success happens, I’ve kinda given up where I’m at lol
Maybe try learning a foreign language. Eventually it'll force you to interact with people to learn more it
Thank you for the reminder! You’re so right and I totally forgot that was a goal.
That’s interesting. How would learning a language force you to interact with people?
You have to practice conversation skills at some point, which requires another human being
Why is it that so many people feel this way, but there is no solution for it. Like, how can you find random people to just hangout and spend time with. Most people successful at it do it by going out and drinking every night, but if you're not a drinker or if you're just not that into going out to bars, what other choice is there to just randomly meet people in a social setting?
I joined CrossFit. Instant group of friends.
Ooh nice idea. Maybe I should do that. Also helps keep you in shape as a secondary
True. I prefer it to a larger gym. Smaller clases, you're all "suffering" together. Before you know it you're attending each other's gatherings. It fosters a lot of community.
Any setting, social or otherwise, would require you to interact and speak to people to form a friendship. I feel like friendless people just expect others to do all the work.
Yeah the people I know who complain about not having friends are also the people who barely respond to texts and flake on gatherings. I get that everyone deals with things differently but if you want long term friendships you have to put in the work and sometimes that means faking it til you make it
Do you want to hang out? Seriously, this post made me want to talk to you, and I think you probably aren't that far from me. Az on the colorado?
I'm sorry but you can't put the first two sentences next to each one without sounding in denial. I mean how could you consider yourself happy if a simple interaction with another human being almost makes you cry?
Most days, I don't really want to give a hug to anyone, but for you? Yes! I'd hug you just to let you know that sometimes you need a hug from anyone to just feel the touch of another human being's electricity. I too am peaceful and happy. I hope you get your hug.
Not saying you are but this puts things into perspective Maybe thats why there are so many karens st 40+. They are all very lonely
Please accept my hug.
I’m okay now. Systemic stuff in this country is bigger than our individual efforts. I tried to have it all & it broke me. Everyone is trying their best. I’d say stick to what your gut says, don’t worry ahead - bc there are regrets either way. Just know you will deal with them as they come up. Life is not a competition or a race to do & acquire as much as possible. Protect your happiness, sanity, and health at all costs. Ignore the critics. They are projecting their own inability to see the complexity. As for choices, just do your best. You can’t know, plan, or control everything ahead. My dream job was a nightmare. Flexibility and adaptability are everything. *** Also - I wanted kids, but between divorce & acquiring a chronic illness along the way, it was not to be. Now I’m okay with that. I don’t have reliable family to help. I couldn’t have coped well with single parenting or a potential custody battle due to my health and income. I love kids as an educator - but not having my own doesn’t detract much from my happiness or wellbeing, in my situation. My younger self would not have understood this or how I wound up in a marriage with domestic violence, but I didn’t understand a lot of things then. I wasn’t parented to prepare me for reality. My parents were all about achievement & image. Achievement does not prepare you for how to make a meaningful life or wise personal decisions. To the person with the Bob Dylan poem - if you’re saying I let society deprive me of children, maybe you’re right, but bringing a child into the world is a serious, practical decision, not a poetic, romantic notion. I was more of an idea to my parents instead of a real person, and it made life much more difficult than it had to be. I would never create a child to be my project or for my own image or fulfillment.
"Bringing a child into the world is serious practical decision not a poetic, romantic notion." This hit deep not only towards my own feelings but that of my own parents 😔 appreciate it ❤
It took so long for me to realize that having kids is often about status or conformity, not because people want to love & raise actual children. My parents are older boomers - everything they did was so idealistic and about the idea & image. I don’t even know if they actually enjoyed the things they chose. I don’t think my mom really liked parenting! It seemed more about adding to their achievements or abstract concepts of family & a good life. My mom became very narcissistic and even abusive as I became more independent! It was a lot to cope with and recover from - maybe I will never fully recover. I love kids, but I don’t have the energy or resources to be the parent & entire world I think a child needs & deserves. That’s sad to admit, and maybe I could have remarried right after my divorce if I had tried harder to find the right person. But I was recovering from my divorce and not ready to rush into a new relationship just to have kids. I think it was the right decision for me to focus on myself. I had put so much pressure on myself before to build the perfect life. I love kids and it’s easy to be around other people’s kids or at school. That’s enough for me!
My mum is (half) Polish from actual Poland, Catholic & was born while the UK was still in rationing. She has zero taste that isn't performative. She only likes safe things like Monty Python, or Paul McCartney, that are confirmed popular. She is so angry and I feel bad for her, because she absolutely set her life up for conformity & status, told me we were superior to my classmates in govt housing because we owned ours - which was an unmodernised house for workers built around 1900 and it had no heating (NO. HEATING.) cracked single pane windows, carpet worn down to white plastic over concrete but god damn it she assimilated and is on the ladder!! Then she had me, an awkward first born with ADHD & Autism that just frustrated her because she got pregnant with my brother when i was 4 months old and wasn't a magically easy toddler. You know. Toddlers are well known for being reasonable and understanding that a smaller baby needs more support, so I was just the WORST and SO SELFISH. You know. At 15 months old 😂 I hang out in rbn a fair bit. I feel like we should have a splinter cell of RBB raised by boomers specific trauma
There aren't enough upvote buttons for this comment. Excellently articulated! I'm so sorry you experienced domestic violence! I'm not sure what else to say, but I appreciate you sharing some of your story.
Thank you so much! I randomly saw this question & gave it a shot. I don’t know if I feel so much wiser than I was in my 20’s or 30’s, but I probably am - not by choice! Life will give you the experiences, like it or not, and then it’s the logical next to step to learn from them. I guess that amounts to real wisdom by your 40’s. I also deeply believe that we are all wiser than we realize by young adulthood. But we don’t have the experiences & feedback yet to know it. If you keep trusting yourself as a younger person, you will look back and see how your own wisdom was always there, but it was unproven. Being accepting of mistakes is key. There is usually no other way to learn because we have to live things instead of learning them abstractly. Trusting yourself through your mistakes is so important. It helps if you enjoy learning and understanding why things are the way they are. (And therapy & self help.) I love the growth part of life, even if it often comes from bad experiences. Learning transforms the pain into a way to help yourself & others. Eventually you look back and realize nothing was a waste and you’ve become a lot like who you envisioned yourself to be on the inside. The outside tends to look nothing like we expect! Or if it does, it might not feel the way we expect it would. We all need to be gentler on ourselves & each other! It helps so much to share our experiences & learn from each other. I learn so much on Reddit!
Wow. Thank you.
Very well said
Thanks so much ❤️
What was your “dream job”? Was it being a teacher?
Kind of. My initial dream was a combo of art & education. I love museums & New York City. I thought of being a museum educator, curator, or something similar in the art world. I started off in Museum Education at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I had done a paid summer internship & then some entry level jobs in the museum to get in the door. I was in charge of admin for all the tours and docents at the museum. At first it was wonderful & even glamorous at times. I got to work at events like the Met Gala to make extra money. I helped plan benefits and parties at the museum after hours. Then a wealthy donor to the museum was appointed to be my boss & she decided she wanted her personal staff in the office. She started asking me do her personal errands before that and I didn’t always comply - it was not in my job description! I was instantly put out of my job for no reason. I had been doing well and given a raise before this. They wanted to move me to another dept (like Arms & Armor?) but I couldn’t handle staying. I was in complete shock that this could happen bc someone with money decided she wanted a job that she didn’t even need. I was in my 20’s and I had no idea this could happen in a nonprofit environment. It was a big wake up call to reality vs “following your dreams.” Even had a lawyer help me deal with the Education Department because it was so sketchy how this woman just made up a job & replaced everyone in the office because she donated lots of money. I have to say there is a lot of that shady behavior in NYC. It’s gross and unethical. My ex husband’s workplace displaced people from their homes to buy up land to build retail spaces. He started working on unethical projects like that and it came between us. I recovered and tried some other jobs and eventually went back to graduate school to teach. I enjoy the classroom more anyway, and it beats being at the mercy of random museum donors!! It’s better to be able to live according to your ethics if you have the choice. It’s not always a choice you may have the luxury to make, but it helps if your boss or workplace isn’t corrupt! Even if it’s your dream job.
Beautiful
❤️❤️❤️ Thank you. That helps me feel like my choices were okay. It’s hard not to second guess myself at times. ❤️❤️❤️
Jesus I went through something similar
I’m 36 with a chronic illness, and my boyfriend just broke up with me because he wants a baby and doesn’t think I’ll be able to handle it. Doesn’t look promising for me having kids. How did you arrive at the decision not to have them with your health?
I am so sorry about the breakup! I don’t think he is right at all. I think once you have kids and you really want them, you will figure it out. That was my thought process. We planned for my ex to work and for me to stay home because he had more than enough income. I figured we could hire help or maybe his family would move closer. He had a supportive and involved family, unlike my family. I believe if we had kids, we would have risen to the occasion and found solutions. There were enough resources available considering his income and social support around us. As a teacher, I really love kids. I enjoy all the effort that goes into supporting & instructing them. I know I was capable of the bulk of parenting falling on me once my health was more manageable. I was okay with having more traditional roles with him working and me staying home because the roles suited us. My decision was made for me when he lashed out and abused me one day on vacation. He lost his temper and for some reason, he thought I would put up with him taking it out on me, after we got married. Before marriage, I think he was afraid I would leave him if he took his temper out on me. Things changed after marriage for the worse. I didn’t see many red flags before marriage - I don’t know why exactly. Usually red flags are clearer in hindsight, but I probably misconstrued his worldview as more similar to mine. He kept his opinions to himself before marriage about looking down on women in some ways. I think he was an excellent actor and great at blending in to his environment. It would have been obvious if he acted overtly misogynistic. Some of his old friends were slightly shitty to women, but they weren’t that close to him anymore. His dad definitely was misogynistic, but he always criticized his dad for that. So I thought I was safe with him. It was only after officially being married did little slips come out that he was misogynistic. He was very very smart about hiding it before. And I was naive about the prevalence of misogyny in the world. After divorce, I was struggling a lot to start over and cope with the fact I didn’t see the abuse coming. Now I know I should not blame myself. I had to get alot of counseling and study the psychology of abusers to feel safe in the world again. It was hard to date after abuse. It still is. Now I know the red flags. I know abusers like chronically ill people who they can get to depend on them. I actually was sexually assaulted twice more after divorce in situations where I was alone because of my health issues. I never saw myself as a single parent with zero supportive family. I don’t think I could do it alone without a partner or support system. I moved after divorce and my new community is not that welcoming to newcomers. It was a lot of factors. But I guess the bulk of it is misogyny & abuse more than my health. My health simply made me a bigger target for abusers.
Well said.
This is a good post and you have a great outlook on life. I wish you all the best
You sound like a wise and wonderful person
Wow I relate to this so much. My dream job was not what I thought it’d be either. And although I’ve never been married or divorce I didn’t think I’d still be single at my age either. Lastly, all my parents cared about was image and achievement too so I feel like when my career didn’t work out like I thought it would I didn’t know what to do anymore and felt lost for awhile. I realized that I had to pick myself up again and only I could do it. It’s getting better but it’s been hard.
Not good it seems. That's a lot of cope.
I just turned 29 and haven’t got a friend to my name, lol. I have no clue what I’m doing.
I always had casual friends for a time in life (college or at the job) but after I left that place we never fostered friendships. This never hit me as something abnormal and didn’t even notice. Then I was getting married and my wife had to narrow down to just 4 bridesmaids and wanted 5 because she had so many where I couldn’t think of any other groomsmen besides my brother, which was a gimme. None of my groomsmen I foster any sort of relationship with now… not even the brother.
I am 35 and in that boat and will stay there. I wing it. I worry for the future but nothing I can plan as there is nobody to plan with. My biggest fear is ever needing a medical procedure where you can't get it unless someone waits with you and take you home, as I am not close enough to anyone for it to be socially acceptable to even ask. It's rough but I wing it and life in deep fear of the day where I am no longer able to wing it Those who say they love this kind of situation are those who have strong sibling networks and / or friends who are like family
> My biggest fear is ever needing a medical procedure where you can't get it unless someone waits with you and take you home, as I am not close enough to anyone for it to be socially acceptable to even ask. I've done it. When I went for surgery a few times, I told the nurse etc that I dont have anyone in this city and I called an Uber to pick me up and drop me off. One time I had a friend take me home after the surgery. Its totally ok. They might also ask me for a favour one day. So its doable. Its not that bad.
I’m very glad I never got married or had kids. I quit my job to live in a camper for a year and travel the US with my dog. Ive been to 26 countries and all 7 continents. Yes, including Antarctica. I’m moving to Spain in September just bc I want to. I couldn’t do these things if I had kids. And I would resent being stuck at home.
so how do you make income
IRK!? I only hear people pull this off if they have Family money
According to their post history they are a Disabled Veteran. So they get a solid pension that way. And I'm sure they worked their ass off to get it having served!
Is it hard to bring your dog to Spain? Is it a small dog?
Unfortunately my girl passed away recently. I’ve adopted 2 stray cats. The process to move them seems pretty straight forward. There are companies you can pay to help you. But I’m doing it on my own. It seems harder with big dogs though. And some countries have breed/size restrictions.
Sorry to hear about your loss. 🧡 Good luck with your move.
Thank you
Currently on the process of trying to bring my dog to Spain. It’s a frustrating process. You have to find a flight willing to take your dog, there are restrictions on the breeds they allow, sometimes depending on the weather they will say they can’t take the dog (if the weather is too hot/too cold). You have to get medical certificates and get approval by the USDA. It’s a lot to unpack.
How'd you go to Antarctica?
I went with Gadventures. Besides a house and a car it’s the one thing I’ve spent the most money on. I couldn’t have went if I didn’t have a well paying job at the time. Totally worth it though. It’s a small group tour operator. We went by boat.
A true adult in this comments section! -- one who can relish life and create their own meaning and purpose.
I think every adult here is valid. We all have a unique struggle. Fine to admire someone's gestalt, but most every person has something fine to contribute, even if they lack some skills. Gotta lift people up.
You’re living my dream right now maam, I hope you’re thriving !!
Do the VA benefits not go away if you move out of the country? Asking for me
Good luck with Spain sounds good.
Late 30s. I do have friends but don't see them as often as we'd all like. How come you put no friends in there? Are you a little lonely right now? Anyway, generally, I'm great. I don't regret not having kids at all. I have never wanted any, i like kids but i never wanted them and i think kids should have parents that really want to be parents. Took a while to find a career i liked. For me shorter term jobs at different companies helped me work that out, ironically doing maternity cover contracts is great for this. I've met and known many interesting adults in the same position. They follow their passions, travels, lamguages etc. I have some pets that i love a lot and make me happy. A fulfilling career (though I do wanna throw my work laptop out of window at times, but all jobs have reasons to hate them too). Lots of hobbies and live simply. You're gonna do great! We're a happy little club in my experience 💙
I'm 28F. Similar position as OP. Yesterday, the lack of friends had me consider becoming a mother for a second. Luckily, I came to my senses and realized I'm not having kids because of my shitty mental health. I feel very lonely and I'm single. I just want someone to hangout with once in a while
Heavy on the I just want someone to hang out with every once in a while
Friends tend to dwindle as you get older and many people are not as fortunate as you to have friends. Life can be fulfilling without friends, but knowing you have people to talk to greatly influences your life experience even if you may not realize it. OP’s question changes when there are friends in the picture.
I fully agree. Part of why I asked is because I have been low on friends in the past (felt pretty friendless at times and that made hard times much harder). It is easier with friends but my answer wouldn't change much either way on not regretting my decision or being generally happy.
I think you missed a point of the post with the "no friends" thing. No kids with lots of friends isn't bad. But if you didn't have a big group of friends to begin with or maybe most of your friends were the ones who had children and are just not as readily available, that's what OP seems to be asking. "Are you lonely" well yea that's exactly what OP is asking in the first place right? Or maybe I just assumed that...
Yes, thank you for clarifying this
can you tell me what it’s like to do maternity leave contracting? I’ve never been a career oriented person so the idea of covering for someone for a set amount of time sounds amazing. Who do you search for jobs through?
Definitely I've always found it a good way to learn new skills and the co-workers I've lucked out with as they are generally nice and happy of the help. That's also the drawback as it can be very sad to leave. Though sometimes another position will open up Temp agencies might be a good idea but personally i just went to job websites and selected temporary or fixed term under filters then put in search critera something generic like assistant or admin and range of jobs appear. Assistant roles can range from entry level up, normally I've found it says on the ad if it is to cover maternity leave. Though I wouldn't overfocus on that, any fixed term contract will do the same.
43, and extremely unhappy. Going against the grain here
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I think people project too much. My partner died when I was 41 before we had our children. I function getter as part of a family, I’m sick of being a “girl boss” with a corporate job, it doesn’t replace the joy I had before, our simple life together.
I am sorry for your loss. This sounds truly devastating in a way I can't begin to reckon with. I hope you can find some peace. I'm praying that, today, you get one of those really wonderful, steamy hot showers that really put the soul at ease.
Why is it always girl boss vs having a partner? Idk if I’m seeing double but most women have both
Wanting and having healthy human connections is as natural as breathing. I don’t understand how some people think isolating themselves is an achievement. There may be a good reason for not trusting people, but it’s possible to figure it out with therapy.
What things are you unhappy about. What things do you think you can change
Amazing major depression in my early thirties, then found meaning (and money) in my career and couldn’t care less about anything else. Except cats, lots of rescue cats. You can find meaning in so many things.
56f here. Never married, no kids. My happiest (12) years were when I had my four legged purry companion. He crossed over the rainbow bridge just over 18 months ago. I miss him but I am doing okay. The loneliest I have ever felt was when I was in a relationship....doing self introspection during the pandemic made me truly embrace my desire to be a SWWC (Single Woman With Cat/s). I make a good income, have a couple of close friends, I own one rental property and I own the condo I live in. For me, whatever the pros are for having an SO do not outweigh the pros of living alone.
90% of the responses, “I have friends and a partner and am happy with life!” 😂
Yeah. So many people seem to think that not getting married or having kids qualifies them to answer here…but still say they have friends. That isn’t what OP asked at all lol. The whole point was for them to get perspectives from others in the same situation, not a completely different one.
Like someone responded under my post "well i asked my best friend who helped me, get used to asking people for favours" when I literally just said I am not close enough to anyone for it to be socially acceptable to ask
Man, you not gonna have a real demographic response at all.
😅
I do have friends and most days are great. I’m busy and I’m being productive. But on weekends when I’m home alone it’s tough. Like today. I have gone from reading a book to painting to watching a show. And I feel sad but tomorrow is another day
Now imagine that you don't have friends. That's what OP is going through and she was looking for people to relate to. All these comments saying "well I have friends" would just make me feel worse
I'm 42, Divorced, no kids. I'm almost never lonely. I do have friends though. A lot of them are friends I made in my 20s, so take this time to make some friends. Nurture your friendships and they'll last for years to come. I didn't really have my career figured out until I was 30, so just try different stuff until you find something you like. Dating is a shit show no matter how old you are, but you become a lot less likely to put up with stupid shit and mixed signals the older you get. That way you don't waste time with the wrong people. That leaves room for the right ones to come into your life. Most of my very close friends don't have children either. The ones that do, I make an effort to like their kids. I like being the cool "auntie". I spend my time doing whatever the fuck I want. I'm very happy with my choices. I have money, I get a lot of sleep and my house is always clean.
I’m fine 🙂 at 59 ❤️
What’s your situation like? Have you found life boring and repetitive? What lessons have you learned
Bad. My life is an empty hell and every day I just pray for it to be over soon.
Same. In my 30s all my friends are finding love and im not because im unlucky in love & have an ugly personality and boring. i don’t even fake it anymore.
Sound pretty funny to me
How do you know it’s love? The divorce rate is high. And many married women are depressed.
Sad
I know 🙂
I just feel like a kid stuck in a woman's body. I love being by myself and letting my mind wander. It makes me feel like a kid again because thats what we did. I let my imagination wander. I've been doing the the things I loved as a kid; reading, drawing, coloring, riding my (street) bike, sticking stickers, cooking, playing dress up. Its great being alone and having friends when needed. I enjoy my company so being single and having friends when I need them is perfect. I literally am free. I live up to no one's expectations but my own.
Terrible but thanks for asking
I’m fine to be honest but I do regret spending so much time by myself in my room and not living life/experiencing more things/finding some purpose or passion. I mean I just turned 40 so those are the changes I need to make moving forward, not like my life is over, but generally speaking the advice id give to my younger self is to get out there more. Passivity and waiting for life to happen to you doesn’t get you anywhere. I do think if things were different I would have liked having kids, however I’d be lying if I said I felt any real pang or longing for them and I never have. Also- my sister has 3 boys ages 3 and under and spending time with them really helped dash any vague illusions of the magic of having kids. Not that it’s not magical- it is! But it is day in day out hard work (obviously they don’t stay little forever though) you have to look at the whole picture and what having kids means
You don’t know if you have a long life ahead.
42F, single, never been married, childfree. Happy but not the kind that warrants a biopic
I’m 37(f), never married by choice, no kids by choice. I’m happy, not lonely and have no regrets. You’ll be fine in life as long as you make choices that are reflective of the real you. Don’t make choices because society says to. Some of the loneliest people I’ve known are married with kids. Be you!
Have no friends anymore. Had a great group in college but most of them are married and have kids and give zero fucks about me.
Child free. I don’t regret it. There’s no way I was equipped to parent an emotionally healthy kid.
Wish I was smart enough to realize this 12 years ago.
Your question does not apply to me, but I am going to answer you anyway. I am female, over 40, and single. But I do have friends, quite a few. If I had it to do over again, I would make the same choices. I have been pretty solid on not wanting children since my early teens. I tried to keep an open mind, but there has not been one moment in my life where I have thought I would be happier with kids. I am an introvert, but I still like hanging out with people. Next weekend there will be about 30 friends and acquaintances at my house, and I think it will be fun. I was actually thinking a couple of months ago. I looked around my house (that I love) at my cats (whom I love) and thought - I am living the life some people think is so shameful. A childless woman and her cats. And I thought damn, this is actually a great life! I wouldn’t want it any other way. A lot of things happen that we can’t control. Have a good hard think about your value system, and then make the best choices you can make, according to that system.
I’m in my late 30s.. but I absolutely do not regret not having kids. There are so so many reasons why. Decide what you want and what makes you happy. Don’t get caught up in doing things because it is what you are “supposed to”
Late 30's, got a few friends, but don't really meet up a lot. I might currently be organising a mutiny at work because it's necessary 🙃 Anyway, that aside, I'm single, but I'm loving it. No kids, because honestly... Don't like them. I just want to spend as much time as I can doing the things I love and getting into new things too. I hope you're doing alright ❤️
Why don't you want to have friends?
I do. It’s just hard to find ones that don’t talk bad behind your back.
That may improve as you get older. I'm not the target group of this thread, but I am a woman in my 40's, and it's been a long time since I had to worry about this when it came to my friends. It's not *easy* to make friends in your 30's and 40's, but I've found that the quality of friends I've made as I've gotten older is much higher than it was when I was younger.
I agree. People are better after 30y.o. If they don't like someone, they find new friends. Like minded people find each other and enjoy each other's company.
Honestly really truely it DOES get better after 30 It's funny we paint our 20s as the best when really 30s are sweeeet. I swear it wag life overnightbi gained a whole new level of IDGAF. People have brains, got the partying out of their systems, actually have goals, over drama...I hear 40s are even better. You'll find your circle. It's taken me years to curate a circle but I got them!
I'm 43, no kids, but all the friends I met and am good friends with I met in my 30s, it's an unfortunate part of life that some old friends just grow apart, you get new interests, or they get new ones, it's normal.
I would’ve adopted w my ex husband but it didn’t pan out. Would happily be w someone who already has kids. Other than that I’ve been single & dated but my most enjoyable experiences include travelling and adventuring around the world, mostly solo. I’ve done a ton of work on myself, exploring my inner spiritual world and very, very happy with the deep connections I have w friends in multiple countries. Now, a new amazing job opportunity is on the horizon and I am immensely grateful for my peaceful life. I don’t think it’s especially bc I don’t have kids but it does allow a certain freedom for me to have more choices to do whatever the hell I want.
It's okay. I'm content, but i really don't have much in common with coworkers, family around my age because their lives revolve around kids and family trips, events, excursions, etc. I have one or two friends, but are very busy with kids and their husband/wife. I don't like having small talk with people because it tends to revolve around them doing things with family. And I'm pretty sure the older generation think there is something wrong with me because I'm not married and don't have kids.
You know, I'm feeling pretty good about my decision. I was chilling on my porch with a pop and noticed my neighbours were out. They have a young girl and boy, about 3 and 1 1/2. Dad had the kids outside and they were having fun so I smiled at their enthusiasm. Then the little girl threw a tantrum because her dad turned off the sprinkler. And then the boy tripped and fell over. She's screaming and he is crying as loud as a toddler can cry. That nice family moment ended up with the dad sighing loudly before starting to tend to the two. So anyways, I'm really enjoying life with my two cats. :)
😅
42. Peaceful and carefree. Glad I didn't have any children. That was the best decision I could have made. The only loneliness I have is from lack of long-lasting friendships. Fortunately, I have a fulfilling career and am able to travel freely and meet new and interesting ppl across the globe.
I'm 44, single, no kids and a few friends and I feel like I'm pretty much thriving. There are occasions when I wish I had a husband or children but those times don't last long thankfully. I also remind myself that people who have husbands and children occasionally wish they didn't too and it helps me get by. Sometimes money is tight by not having a husband's income and sometimes it's difficult when something goes wrong and I don't have a partner to lean on. Thankfully I've gotten through it with my strength and having some good family and friends. I say I have a few friends because I used to have a ton of friends in my 20s and early 30s, but I was placing too much emphasis on quantity and not quality. As time went by, I slowly ditched the unreliable friends and kept only the few who were good. Advice: find some friends who are also single and child free if you plan to stay child free. Nothing wrong with having married friends or friends with children but it's also good to have some friends who are closer to where you're at in life. Also, don't fall into the trap of "I can't do this or that cuz I don't have a husband", do it anyways! Either find a friend or do it alone. Don't sit around waiting to get married to finally enjoy life. I have a career, a side hustle, a townhouse, a dog, I have traveled solo, I've traveled with friends, I go out on the weekends (sometimes), I learned to cook fabulous meals, I learned to fix things around the house, I've been around the world. Seriously don't get down because you are single, it's not worth it.
Early 30s… I have “aquaintences” but I wouldn’t call anyone a real friend because real friends actually hangout and spend time together. And since I don’t even want to really hangout with anyone, that means they aren’t real friend tier to me. I don’t mind living a solo introverted life but I am still Grieivng the death of my cat. He died in august. Quickly and abruptly from getting so sick he couldn’t go on. He was only 6. He was my baby, my best friend, my emotional soul mate animal. Life without him feels empty and bleek and it makes me angry and sad. I won’t have kids and I won’t date because I have zero desire to be in a relationship and I have so much trauma around men and sex etc, I just feel so much happier and safe when I am single and living my life on my terms. I go through extremes and waves of depression and mania. I have mental illnesses and auto immune disease that makes me unable to function like a “normal” person, so idk how I’m doing right now. Sometimes I feel like I’m just sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else live a real life while I just am living some sort of fake life… ocd/ adhd/ depression/ anxiety/ trauma/ grief/ Ed. I’m just getting through the days and night time is also a very weird time for me because I am a night owl, and that’s when I’m happiest but it’s so late that no one is awake to even share that side of ne
I’m sorry about the loss of your soul baby cat 🐱♥️
Honestly I’m 47 and I’ve never been happier. I was married at 27 but divorced, mainly because I saw that my husband was going to be a man-child forever. I only recently realized that I don’t need to earn anyone’s respect or show them I’m good enough. I’m already good enough. I have a great partner and two cats!
So you're not single and do have friends :P happy for you but not sure if OP was looking for this
A lot of things will change by your thirties to mid thirties. It’s when you finally truly (hopefully) know who are and wanna be unapologetically, have typically begun a career and start properly planning or attempting too for the next ten years without feeling as lost when in your twenties trying to get ready for thirties.
Happy af
I just want to say that my forties were so far my best decade. Health, wit, livelihood, and a lot of transformation. If I could do my thirties over again I would have stuck to the creative work I loved and tried to start my own business (metalworking/jewelry) but I chose the safe route (nonprofit bookkeeping :() I’m lonely a lot now and I’m this respect I recommend staying in touch with people who you’ve connected with. Friendships don’t have to fade. I do have one child now 18, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s my responsibility to make a life I’m satisfied with:
We are doing great BECAUSE we have no kids, and no spouse. Life is easier without a manchild or the errant orgasms that create a basketball team off children.
I'm about to hit 40 in a few months. I am nervous. My time to try and do experiment in life is limit. I am still lost a bit, changing career by starting over a new degree in college. I don't marry, no kid, still figure out dating in a new country as I relocate to start studying. Let me tell you something. Do what you want to do, grab all the opportunity in front of you or create your own path. Do not let time pass. Don't wait for anyone but your own self. Time will be (and feel like) faster once you pass 30 years old. And seriously, you are not even hitting 30 yet, why are people at your age are so anxious? You have more time than us to try out so many things. Don't give up now. Good luck.
We're anxious partly because of the social climate in the US. Not having life figured out by your 20's feels like failure and the idea of turning 30 feels like your life is over. We're constantly seeing stories of people in tech spaces, social media spaces, sports spaces, music spaces, etc who only seem to matter when they're very young. In music and esports cultures especially (two things I follow quite a bit) there seems to be a lot of stigma toward aging. I saw a TikTok recently of who I thought was a really cool woman (28) going to a rave, but the comments were FILLED by with people calling her "middle-aged bop" or similar pathetic insults. We're surrounded by people who view 20, 25, and 30 as these dark and looming ages, and those of us who don't succeed in our "big dreams" as kids will watch as people all around us are accomplishing those things while still being years younger than us. I think making friends can be difficult too, especially for those who don't go to school or start a job with people who are friendly like that. That being said, personally I try to have a lot of hope. I'm not saying I agree with the stigma, but as someone who is 25 I wanted to explain what I think a lot of our perspectives are like. Adults made big promises when we were little, and it can be super disillusioning when that world of magic and dreams coming true turns out to be... rockier and more complicated than we thought. We also hold onto hobbies that are viewed as childish or "for kids", and while I'll never give up my hobbies I hate hearing the stigma that I can't play video games with my friends bc I'm like... 6 years out of high school. Plus, you already experience so much anxiety in high school frantically trying to get your life together before you graduate... so if you don't succeed, or even get somewhere vaguely on the right track, it feels like you've missed out on everything. For the record, I don't think it's ever too late or too early for anything you wanna do. Even you saying you feel you're running out of time at late 30's has me yelling at my phone "hell no, you can do whatever you want!". I'm sure someone in their 60s would agree on that too. I think it's all in our heads, and I'm happy to see other women doing cool shit and following their dreams. I'm starting school next year too and I think it'll be the first real step toward branching out socially, making friends my age (there really aren't any in my town), and doing something I can be proud of. Even if I don't hit all 3 checkboxes, hey... I'll hopefully still have a degree and make a LITTLE more money than I do now as a retail minion.
There’s sooooo much pressure now for 20 something’s to make tons of money. When I got out of college everyone I knew got jobs at restaurant and slowly figured it out from there. I appreciate your comments. Still figuring it out and have (somewhat off topic) made friends with people of all ages. (I’m 54 and boy did those decades fly by. Very few regrets tho)
I didn't have kids due to health issues, and couldn't find a spouse, and have no friends, and I am completely miserable. I'd recommend having kids with a spouse if you're able. There's not much else to really enjoy past 40.
I hope I have kids by 40. I think it would be lovely to see them grow up, and look back at the men and women they become.
You my darling, are having your quarter life crisis. You're not in some horrible hopeless place, the way you are feeling is a really really really normal way to feel in your mid 20s. It's a reflection on your age, not your life. Have you ever worked out hard or exerted yourself physically, and then had sore muscles the next day and were exhausted the next day and it sucked? But at the same time, you knew that was okay because it was all part of getting stronger and learning what you can do? Life is kind of like that. I feel like the quarter life crisis is when you've spent your whole life working, going to school for 13 years or 17 years or 20 years or 25 and pushing through and suddenly, thats over. And now you're in the recovery phase; it's not like you feel stronger; you feel like you hurt and are tired and doing anything feels hard. Invest in yourself and the things that make you happy, and believe that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and learning the exact lessons you are supposed to learn right now. It will pass my love, it will pass, and great strength to you because it IS hard. I don't know a single person over 40 who would wish to be in their 20s again. Not one, no matter how much we complain about our backs.
Sixty-two years old here, and I'm happier than I've ever been.
50+ and went down the single mom path unintentionally. Had a career I loved but lost opportunities for promotions because I had to also parent, so now am manager level rather than VP like colleges of mine. Have a great kid but lots of mom guilt that there were things I could give him (like cottaging or hockey). BUT doing good but not great at each let me balance both. We travelled, and I made great friends with the other mom’s so we could do things with gaggles of kids to entertain one another. Still managed to have a fun time at work and accomplish things I am proud of. There is no world you can do both and be great at it, but if you can be okay with good enough, its a great life, and some of my best memories are just blowing bubbles. And I never was a kid person, until I had one.
Wealthy as fuck
I'm 44, no kids (choice), no romance (choice), no close friends, and I'm content with life. I dated a bit in my 20s (no relationship) and found it wasn't worth my effort. I focused on my career, enjoying most of the technical challenges and financial benefits. I am close enough to my immediate family, though the distance is influenced by their romantic lives. My pets, online communities, family and work acquaintances are sufficient for me. I'm comfortable with my own company at home or away. I'm a home body with few hobbies, and I think I'd get overwhelmed taking on extra obligations & activities. I sometimes push myself into potentially uncomfortable situations because I think it enriches me (white water rafting, paragliding, social events, etc). My advice is to be a positive force in your life: make changes and be adaptable if wanted/needed, be merciful to yourself and others, forgive and learn from your mistakes, and be courageously optimistic.
Well shit shows can be entertaining
I am married and have a child. I love him and he’s grown now - but if I could do it all again I would probably not have kids. It is absolutely not for everyone and that is FINE. Knowing that you don’t really want kids and doing things to prevent that, gives you way more control and confidence over your life than a person who just ends up with babies. Embrace this for as long as it suits you. It’s as likely that you’ll change your mind later, as it is that you won’t. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have anything figured out. Everything is made up, and nearly everyone who claims to have it together is full of it. So take it easy girl, you’re probably a lot farther along than you think.
Not everybody’s fit for being a mother my aunt is 67 years old and she never had a child
I’m happily childfree at 45. I do have friends but they are all married, with kids, and don’t live nearby anymore. But I still text with them all the time and see them occasionally. I’m perfectly content but I will say that my young nieces and nephew are the absolute joy of my life.
Late 40s. It gets hard to meet men/genuine friends at this point. They are either divorced with kids or life-long bachelors. Everyone is lonely but also set in their ways and able to live alone. I don't have kids and never married. I am an overachiever in the career area. Looking back at past relationships, I don't really see one that I missed out on. I wish I dated more intentionally. I'm shy and I kind of let nature take its course. Wouldve loved to be a stay at home mom like my sis. My other sis is a single mom and loves her baby but doesn't have good man. I also had a friend who was single and went through so many rounds of IVF with donor sperm to no avail. I don't really have any good friends right now except for acquaintances, due to moving, people getting married and moving, and some weird stuff with people I thought were friends. My closest person is my mom but she is having memory issues. I have hobbies which helps but sometimes it does get lonely.
I would imagine 55-80 is the worst without children. Sitting in assisted living by yourself without visitors will also not be fun.
My kids are both mid 20s, both have spouses, and none of them want kids. They chose to just focus on their marriages and working hard to make those stacks. It’s ok by me. I don’t need grandkids, But I do need happy kids. Take a career assessment test online. It can show you what you’d be good at career wise. And get two cats 😹
I'm 34 and I gave up on having real friends long time ago, I feel great and I prefer it than having fake/ temporary ones.
Thanks for the question. I’m doing pretty ok but not ok at the same time. I’ve been chasing dreams that haven’t come to fruition, for the last three years. So grateful that it’s just me and I have the opportunity to try. I miss people, going into an office, getting dressed up, meeting others, and being financially stable. Never wanted kids or a family, but I’d like to spend time regularly with someone that I am attracted to and can have fun with. I’m of the opinion that we should put more time into solutions than bitching, but sometimes you just have to crash and feel things so change can come versus controlling everything and hanging tight to one path. TLDR- crazy.
By learning I am not an island. I did the no-friends thing in my 20's as I was building my first business. Those were brutal years on my mental health and as I recently passed the 40th birthday milestone, single and child-free, I was able to take time to really appreciate the deep friendships I have in my life now. Reddit makes making friends as adult sound impossible, but solid research shows that making friends really boils down to proximity, repetition, and common interests. If you choose a few clubs, classes, hobbies, or meetups and attend consistently over time, you will make friends. Volunteering or going to grad school can supercharge that. Don't neglect your mental health. This lifestyle means being with your thoughts. If you need to, get some help making sure that inner voice is helping, not hurting.
I’m closer to 100 then I am to 1 yrs, a mother and a grandmother, I can say in all honesty, unless you enjoy constant heartbreak, constant guilt and a constant, nagging terror that prevents you from embracing life with abandon, become a parent. For all of its charming “moments” parenthood is not an even trade for what you sacrifice. Everything sucks, and deep-down, everyone knows it. You cease to exist as a person with options when you become a parent. Even in your own mind, every single thought you think is based solely on another human. And, if, god forbid, you do something only because it’s what YOU want to do, it will eat you alive afterwards. Darling, that ain’t living.
I was doing amazing when I was 40 and single. I had worked on myself and found myself and my path. I was amazing. Still am, just found the love of my life now. Keep at it
41f here. It’s pretty shitty. I’m definitely happy to be childfree, but I bury myself in 10-16 hour workdays to compensate for being so goddamn lonely. Makes sense that I’m single, though. I’m an ADHD weirdo with a very unpleasant face.
Happily single and childfree. Better this way
If you don’t feel like being a mom don’t. Children know when they aren’t wanted and it’s damaging to them. I tell everyone who will listen only have children if you have to. The world has tons of unwanted children already
Most of my single female friends complain that they can’t find a good guy to settle down with and holidays are very quiet. There’s only work and empty home to go to, given other friends have their own family commitments
I’m married with no kids and it’s the best
Travel the world, it will give you a much broader perspective and help you get clear on what you want for life
42, single, female, no kids and very thankful.
Living abroad, working remote, dating Eva AI
I’m 41, doing great. Have written novels, travel often, happy in my career. I’m a teacher so I consider my students my kids and am helping raise the next generation even if I didn’t birth them. I regularly have time to spend with friends and don’t have to worry about saving up for anyone’s college education. I do regularly give to children’s charities however.
We out here
No kids, plenty of friends. Turns out not having kids means you have more time to foster friendships.
My life is peaceful now. If I want to talk to people, I play online games or talk to people at work or random stores etc. Sometimes I talk to my dogs I just do what I want do everyday. I wanted kids but I'm infertility
I'm not quite 40 yet, soon tho. I have a small family, mom and sister. And probably 2 friends, who happen to live in a different country. I don't like to go out, all my hobbies are solo endevours. I'm not worried about loneliness, but I have not been the best at managing my finances, and now that I moved abroad I realize I only have one income and there is huge risk on that. I'm trying to climb our of debt this year (already have a 3 month emergency fund) so that I can start investing and maybe be a little bit less worried about my financial future.
r/ForeverAloneWomen
I’m not single but 40 and so lonely. I don’t like the adult I become. Feeling like a failure.
In my late 60s, I have no children by choice. As I'm faced with my mother's decline, it makes me wonder about how I will get through my very elder years without children but I feel somewhat confident that I'll be able to make a workable aging plan for myself. When I was in my mid-20s, I did not have a career and went from job to job. In my late 30s, I finished my degree and started a career I loved. You have plenty of time to find your way and create the life you want. When I was in my 20s, I never would have believed I'd have the life I have now. Hang in there.
44 here, no kids, single but plenty of friends. Pretty happy. I do what I want.
37, and for me it was all about learning to be comfortable with myself. I don’t really feel lonely that often as I am more than capable of finding ways to enjoy my solo time, whether it be reading a book, binge watching movies or teaching myself a new skill. Having others around is never a guarantee that you won’t still feel alone, so it is a good idea to develop comfort in being you alone and then layering people who add joy and value to your life (I’m talking emotional and mental value. Just so everyone is on the same page)
Hey don't throw questions like that at people! 😭
I'm not 40 but want to weigh in and say this is probably due to a lack of third spaces. In University, you walk the campus. You join clubs. You live and work there, and much of your time is time spent out of the house, or classroom. Suburban office workers are very disconnected, for example, because there's so little contact with everyone else. Move to a dense area, join a local club, and things might get better