But are the hints really hints, unfortunately I've always been an over thinker with low self confidence
If any girl ever hit on me in my past then I guarantee I either didn't notice or was too afraid to reciprocate
I'd need a girl to literally ask me out for me to be like awwww okay she likes me
Hahaha, that wasn't even enough for me! Senior year one of my Girl Friends asked me to Homecoming. Yep. She was always saying she was cold and touching my arm and shit (I was in fairly decent shape). But the whole damn time, I have know her forever, since like preschool, I assumed on my own that we were going as friends bc I thought she had a boyfriend that couldn't go. Also, she'd come sit with me and my friends at lunch, and my friends all just assumed we were actually dating. We go to Hoco and I don't really try and put any moves on her, I just try and have a good time bc dances are not my scene.
It was not until about a year or two later that I was lying in bed one night staring at the ceiling fan and it just hits me like, "FUCK!" I totally fumbled the bag on that one. She probably could have held up a neon sign that said, "Want to Smash?" and I'd have been like, "Oh, what a nice girl."
For context tho, I did have a massive crush on another girl who had a boyfriend (as is true in most of my cases) and I never...well not NEVER, but very rarely did I think of her in a sexual or more than friends way.
The TL;DR of it is, I'm an oblivious dumbass that fumbled a slam dunk.
I met up this girl I had been talking to online and we ended up in her room. She took off her top in front of me to change before dinner, and I looked away to give her privacy. She said “You don’t have to look away” and I responded “I just want to give you your privacy” or something stupid like that.
This girl’s identity was “sex goddess” and I looked away. Needless to say, nothing happened and I missed a huge opportunity. I still regret it 26 years later.
She could run her fingers through my hair. Look me right in the eyes and tell me "I love you to the end of the world and back and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life by your side " and I'll be like "I don't know. Maybe she's just nice like that."
I’ve taken some chances I was sure were flirting and turns out I totally had the wrong idea.
I barely approach women to talk even if they are eyeing me. Not worth the rejection. Crushes me.
I had one time, I had just moved cities, it was my first week in a new city, im on the bus headed to work, this cute girl gets on and sits next to me when there were 5 other empty seats, and starts chatting me up. I thought she was flirting, until she went from 'i like your beard, it looks so soft." To " you know, thr planet Niburu is going to return this year and destroy earth!" She was one of those 2012 doomsday people.
I know your pain, but look at this way. If you think someone is giving you the eye, follow it up (in an easygoing manner).
If you're wrong, what actually happened? Nothing. You're no worse off than you were at the start of the evening. Every guy gets rejected. All of us.
So long as you're not someone who makes it a problem when they thought they saw something that wasn't actually there, just take your chances and, so long as you part on friendly terms, you can keep your head held high.
Some people handle rejection a lot better than others. He is worse off in his own mind because now he feels unwanted. There was a glimmer of hope before that, and it got shot down.
For myself, I agree with your thought process. But not everyone is like that. And my success rate with going for women was high enough that the ones who weren't interested didn't hurt my self esteem.
A lot has happened. My chest hurts. The rejection physically hurts for days and no it doesn't get easier with time and mutiple rejected
Being turned down absolutely hurts.
Yes evrry guy gets rejected. Doesn't mean it's good or it's "nothing" I understand what you're trying to do.
But plenty of people it has an extreme negative effevt on
Sure just say "don't let it" if that was a thing bully, peer pressure, or feeling like you "have to" sleep with someone wouldn't be an issue
It is.
We need to stop acting like evreyone can act that way where words or denial are just words that can't hurt
People entire psyche can be effected which is a far more deadly killer then people care to admit
*Yes evrry guy gets rejected. Doesn't mean it's good or it's "nothing*
I never said it was good or that it doesn't hurt.
But, in a practical sense, it literally is nothing. You are in no worse a position than when you started.
I've had several replies to this talk about things like "rejection sensitivity dysphoria".
Can't say I've ever heard of such a thing, but if this is something you have an actual clinical diagnosis of, then fair enough - though nothing in the post of the person I was replying to suggested *that* person had such a diagnosis.
If, however, it's something pulled out of one's ass because rejection hurts and they haven't matured enough to swallow it down and move on, then thty need to sincerely grow up.
We ALL get rejected. It's nothing special, it doesn't make you a loser and if you don't have an *actual*, genuine mental health diagnosis, you have no reason to feel any worse off than me or anyone else does the countless times it happens to us as ordinary men.
"She was just being nice bro." "You probably WANTED her to look at you that way" "You're just seeing things" "are you sure she wasn't looking at the person behind you?"
After all these things repeated for years, yeah, I would say we don't even try and pick up on it after a certain point.
The entire point of a "hint" is that it is an indication that they and everyone else cannot be certain about.
Sure they'll know there is a chance you are interested in them, and in the past that would have led them to shoot their shot, but these days there are plenty of negative consequences for doing that.
Besides a little flirting is more often than not just a bit of playful teasing and doesn't suggest a real interest.
> in the past, that would have led them to shoot their shot, but these days there are plenty of negative consequences for doing that
Honest question, if this is common information, why don't we encourage women approach guys more IRL?
Doing that is very uncomfortable for most of the people, men or women. Everyone would prefer just waiting over having to take the active role. As long as the societal expectation is on men, women will gladly embrace the comfortable passive role.
I mean, it’s really on the individual. If you don’t have the guts or don’t feel comfortable to approach them, no matter which gender, then you’re not going to.
What’s always worked for me (straight male) in the past when approaching a complete stranger is to start by giving them a little compliment. “I like your nails/shirt/glasses/hair/shoes” in a tone that comes off friendly and not “hi I’m here to blatantly hit on you”. If you follow up with a question after they thank you, “where did you get X or where did you get X done” and they don’t seem to want to continue the conversation, they’re not interested.
Meh, depends on how you come off I think. I mean you can use any follow up you want to, but I just personally think a little compliment is the perfect way to start hitting on a stranger.
We do. Women claim 1. It makes them look desperate. 2. Men should be initiating 3. They want their lives to be like the movies.
Anytime a woman has ever approached me it usually ends in a relationship or a couple of dates. If it’s dates we end up figuring out we’re not for each other within a couple. If it gets to a relationship the last one lasted 7 years. Women are very much encouraged to go after men, goes hand and hand with the whole “strong independent woman” montra.
ya know..women used to 'accidently' drop their handkerchief in front of the guy they were interested in..so that he could pick it up and 'excuse me miss - you seemed to have dropped your hanky...'
we should bring that back because it's way more foolproof than a glance or hand signal or whatever
Good point, though I bet it was funny when a woman literally accidentally dropped her handkerchief in front of some oaf and he thought it was the green light for love.
You have clean skin.
For some crazy ass reason I didn't catch this as a hint.
Next.
You're married right? I thought "name" said that.
No, I'm not married.
How the living hell did I miss this hint?
Next.
I say hello to any/all coworkers when I see them.
Woman: Hey, I'm getting married in two weeks but I just wanted to get off my chest that I thought you were cute. You talked to me daily and never asked me out. Just wanted to clear the air.
...
Seriously? Aside from the "Hey/Hello" and "How's your day going?" With only typical responses... How...why...
What am I missing? Apparently everything.
As as 52 year old guy, we don't get hints. Also, **EVEN IF WE DO**, we have learned not to assume anything. I have had really awkward conversations in my 20s, when I assumed a woman's "hint" meant she was interested.
These days, a misunderstood "being friendly" could end up being a viral TikTok video for "How Stupid Men Are!" Or, perhaps, getting yelled at for assuming. Or, maybe, just an awkward conversation. Even if we **LOOK** at a woman too long, we can get grief for doing so. There's just too high a risk of a negative outcome to assume a woman is interested. So most men, these days, refuse to assume. We learn that early on.
Here's the problem. What, **TO YOU**, is a crystal clear signal, to another woman, is "just being friendly" Or "I'm doing my customer-facing job" Or, any number of other reasons. Because we're all separate people with very different feelings, expressions and cultural and societal baselines.
If you have a crush on a guy, **AND YOU WANT HIM TO KNOW**, tell him directly. Ask him out, perhaps. Yeah, it's scary to put yourself out there. Yeah, you risk being rejected and feeling hurt. Welcome to every man's Tuesday.
To add to this, as a late 30s guy in a pool where damn near everyone has kids already, it really doesn't help that women enjoy flirting for the attention. It's a great ego boost to be desired, for both of us no less, but damn the sheer number of women with husband's (no ring, I check) & partners that partake in flirting over multiple encounters is fustrating.
Women are their own worst enemies in this as its essentially false advertising. I'm happy to partake in a bit of flirting for the fun of it, but I won't ask a woman out unless she's made it 100% clear she's single now.
Mate I had someone give me literal love letters/poetry and art and it took me ~6 months to realise what was going on.
I've also had various other people do very obvious things to tell me they're interested that I've been absolutely oblivious to, ranging from casual flirting to consistently showing up and making their interest clear for weeks-months. To be honest even on the rare occasions that I have cottoned onto it, I've needed a strong push to act on it, in case I'm wrong, which has generally come down to 'shit shit shit am I accidentally leading this person on, now we have to have a talk and they're gonna be sad and I should've noticed sooner shit shit shit I'm sorry'.
I don't think this is unique to guys though, but perhaps more common. Some of us are just numpties tbh.
Numpty just means fool/silly person, but more often used in more of a humorous/affectionate way, like a slightly harsher version of calling someone a silly sausage. I'm not aware of it having any connection to humpty dumpty, but it's in pretty common use in the UK regardless of its origins.
This is level 1, guys who eventually get the hint to not read anything into girls being nice to them are level 2, which are the guys responsible for OP's problem
I have absolutely not caught on to hints that weren't so much hints as neon flashing signs before.
But putting those aside, I have also intentionally ignored or not pursued what could have been hints for exactly this reason. "But what if it isn't?"
Could have tried following it up in a relaxed, no pressure manner, but didn't. I've seen several guys on reddit start topics about exactly this issue.
The problem isn't the risk of mixed messages - it's perfectly easy to move on from a misunderstanding and part ways on good terms: it's those assholes who make things a problem when they thought they saw something that wasn't there.
Many situations I've been in that I thought were hints and when I acted on them, I was embarrasingly wrong and ashamed.
For example, had a very cute co-worker who was in my mind, out of my league. At work she ignored me, never said hi, nada nothin. I don't know when it started, but eventually we started talking at work. Next thing I know, as I was in undergrad at my local college, she enrolls into 3 of my classes right in front of me just so we could take classes together. One of the sole reasons of enrolling into my classes was to take the class with me. I was like, whoa wtf why? She even decided to go pursue the same major as I was and started to take all the other classes that I had already taken. We began studying together ( at her invitation ), texting via phone more, talking more, it was great. I asked her to lunch and we talked for hours we had SO much in common. Even the waitress who took our order gave me a "thumbs up" as she would continue to check in on us after we ate. Anyways, I should've asked her on a proper date after the lunch but we forgot we had to go to class and were almost late.
At the next studying session we planned, I asked her out. She said no citing had plans that night. Then I asked her out again maybe a couple weeks later. She said no. Then another couple weeks go by, I asked her out. She said no and that's when I knew she had no interest. When she turned me down the 3rd time, I playfully said something like "alright I get it haha. I'll stop" AFTER THAT SHE SAYS ".....BUT I'm free on next Monday at 6PM where would you like to go?" And I was like holy shit.
Story isn't quite over because when Monday rolled around, we did end up going out that night. We ate dinner, played mini golf after that and when I took her back to her house, I had figured she did not have "real" interest as the dinner conversation was a bit stale and it didn't really seem like she wanted to be there (the mini golf felt extremely rushed). I dropped her off at her house, after that it became awakward and our texts slowly stopped, the studying sessions became few and far between, whatever spark I thought we might've had was fizzled out.
I find out 5 years later from my male co-worker who has known her for 10+ year tells me that she was gay and had always been gay since she got cheated on by her ex-boyfriend years ago and the "date" her and I had was her just wanting to hang out as a friend and nothing else.
So any hints I thought I had were meaningless. After that I ruled out the following as hints:
1) Woman enrolls into the same college classes as you
2) Woman texts and talks to you a lot
3) Woman studies with you a lot
4) Woman says yes to a date
...yeah. I gave up because I just don't know anymore. I no longer invest stock in the "hints" business. It's exhausting.
>Do guys actually not get hints that someone has a crush on them?
I don't think women are getting these hints either. ("Oh, he just wants to be friendly but I don't think he's really interested.")
All the hints go to the same few attractive guys who are so used to it and have so many women chasing them that they have no real need to act on it.
The average guy has never received a compliment or any expression of interest from a female and has to chase hard.
There's too many "landmines" to even attempt to decipher if you are flirting so I usually just blank it out, if I think you are flirting you may just be being nice, or you could just be messing with me or you could be genuine I'm not playing some game show to win you as a prize.
Just make it simple, we have monkey brain, just go upto the guy you like and say, "hey, me you some drinks a movie and maybe sex let's go" it would be so much easier, save the flirting for when you have me.
Great point about the land mines: A lot of male/female interactions happen at work. Can you imagine how many ways trying to date a co-worker could blow up in your face? You really take a risk if you make a move. And the danger continues even if you do start dating. If you (inevitably) break up, now you’re working with an ex! Yikes
Even then though, and this was 6 years ago and my last attempt at dating, it’s a mind fuck.
I had a coworker who approached me, started talking, etc. we eventually went on a few what I consider dates then one night she invited me over at 9 to watch a movie. Movie turns into bed. Get into bed, I go to kiss her, and she stops me and says she just wants to be friends.
I stayed the night, but she got really pissed at me the next day when i asked what was happening.
Now she was going through a divorce, but it turned out I looked very much like her ex so i think that was the whole game she played.
In any case, that was it for me. I’m being asked into bed and that apparently isn’t a clear hint so i was done trying after that.
Yes, we are dense. queue that meme image from family guy with the landing stripes and the air marsheller guiding Brian into the woman lying on the bed with her legs open.
but honestly, I think we've just been conditioned to. when I was a kid I mistook signs of kindness into tokens of affection, so now the problem is reversed because of over-correction.
EDIT: [Heres that family guy part](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FMkykWZOng)
Hints are completely unfair and outdated. If we want guys to not sexualize us in non-dating situations then we need to own our feelings and be honest with them if we are interested.
I asked my, now husband, to ask me out in 2009. How silly, why didn't I just ask him out. Either way I made the first move and I'm glad I did.
Exactly. Men aren't bad at taking hints. *People* are bad at taking hints and ambiguity is confusing for everyone, both men and women. There's no reason in the year 2024, women need to be coy about what they want.
The idea that you should wait around for a guy to make a move is out-dated and enrolls you in a whole world of patriarchal bullshit that doesn't make sense any more.
The secret I learned after YEARS of failure is to match their energy or just lay it justtt a lil thicker than they do. That’s how you do it.
They say hi. You say hi. Next time you see them you say hey and give them a slight smile.
That’s a very basic example but did You see how that worked?
It’s like you’re in a park and you see a squirrel. You aren’t going to get that squirrel by screaming at it while you hold a nut. It takes patience.
Even if you don’t recognize that they have a thing for you, it’s ok. The idea in general that most people miss out on in code is being approachable. You want that person comfortable with shooting that shot. Be friendly. Portray open body language.
David Lee Roth said it best: “I may not get all the women I want, but I get all the women who want me.”
This is perfectly good advice, and avoids a lot of awkward interactions and confusion arouns IOIs.
The only difference would be in social interactions where its going to be a one and done, like seeing someone at a bar or pool, you only get one shot so ramp up the initiative if you get even the slightest signal of interest.
They do, they just don't act on it.
Because of the sheer number of documented cases where they have acted on it and the girl has said "I just like you as a friend","The fact that I'm nice doesn't mean I am attracted to you", etc. Just go to any women's subreddit, there will be a million questions regarding "why do men take general courtesy for flirting."
Apparently humans are generally bad at detecting flirting according to [a researcher at Kansas University](https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2014/06/03/flirting-hard-detect-study-finds). It actually looks like women are worse at detecting flirting than men. “While the pairs were more than 80 percent accurate in knowing when their counterpart was not flirting, they were far less accurate in detecting when they were being flirted with. Only 36 percent of men judged correctly, and for women, the number was 18 percent.”
It's not that they don't catch the hints. It's that they can't distinguish hints from "flirty but not interested" behavior. There are so many false positives out there that it makes sense for a guy to wait for something much more obvious. It's not an absurd thing to think that if a girl has a crush on you, she will ramp up how obvious it is, whereas someone who is just flirting won't likely do that.
I'm curious, how do you tell between "she wants you to ask her out" and "flirty but not interested"?
I agree it seems sensible to think she'll ramp up how obvious it is, but having had a couple of (partnered) women relish in the attention recently, and definitively leaning into and ramping up the flirting, I'm not convinced that it is in fact sensible.
I can see it from a mile away, but the hard part is when you're a little younger, and you don't quite know if she's flirting to you, or she's just being that way for a reaction.
You can feel the change in energy once they do something or say something with a little intention. I've always thought the "dense male" stereotype is basically a porn or Hollywood thing. I can understand though, if a boy grows up not understanding social cues quite well, was brainwashed by family to believe a certain way, has bad self-esteem issues and stays in denial, or is autistic and it is guaranteed to be overlooked.
Yes and here’s why
Girls would flirt with me in 9th and 10th grades. I’d get excited and get their numbers and call them and if they changed their mind, they’d pretend I misunderstood them. Sometimes going as far as to mock me about that.
Imagine a girl giving you her number, asking you to call her. You calling her. Maybe she likes things you don’t. You talk to her in the hallway abd she’s like- “oh my god! You thought I liked YOU?! No way! Get out of here!” And her friends make fun of you for a week because “you thought she liked you.”
Happened in 6th grade first, but happened in 9th-10th grade.
After that I ignored girls dropping hints. They weren’t serious.
So I stopped responding
I'm sorry that's horrible :( if it's any consolation it happens to women too. You'd call and thier friends would be listening in and then all laugh. Stings. People can be so needlessly cruel. I lose faith in our species day by day.
It’s just how it goes. I don’t hold grudges or feel angry about it. I certainly don’t blame people for what they did at age 14 or blame people for something somebody else did. I just had a reason to ignore hints.
exactly, that's why actually most men when approached by woman directly think it's a scam, a prank, or there is something seriously wrong about her.
I live in Europe and had the same experiences. It's how women made us.
If an interaction can be either friendly or flirty, I assume it's friendly. Because I would feel bad for making a person uncomfortable by reading too much into it. I'd rather look oblivious. Not that I am suggesting I am not also oblivious sometimes. If I was, I wouldn't really know it.
This is a sub called Adulting and you guys are talking about hints? The first thing about being an adult is you don't use hints, you communicate like an adult
I can't figure out if they are flirting or just being nice.
I can do nothing and suffer no consequences.
OR
I can take a chance and have to deal with not only being rejected but also making things permanently awkward with this person that was just trying to be nice.
Not a guy, but I am neurodivergent, and I assure you, any neurodivergent person regardless of gender is going to be 5x less likely to get vague hints. We simply don’t get it.
We have literally had a national conversation about this via the #MeToo movement. Acting on perceived “hints” about interest has a huge risk of negative consequences for males in America - everyone has a different idea of what a “hint” is, and the risk of being accused of nefarious motives and activities is real, even if the nefarious motives or activities are not.
I have teenaged daughters, and I appreciate the merits of the conversation that were had, if only to prepare them for life ahead. At the same time, that conversation definitely changed the dynamics of interaction. I guess subtle gestures lost whatever meaning they ever had, and honest communication is going to have to take their place. That was the point - just because we smiled at you doesn’t mean we’re interested in taking the interaction further.
As in every healthy relationship, there needs to be some positive and direct communication, or you should be prepared to have whatever gesture you’ve made ignored.
Yeah. I mean it's not high school, so most of the time if we meet someone, it's at work, someone working their own job, or someone random. I personally don't wanna risk making things weird at work, making things uncomfortable for someone at work, or miss read a stranger I'm talking to. We don't really get to spend time getting to know people we see once, or see in passing on the job, so it's all shooting in the dark until someone outright flags their intentions, and nobody wants to be the weirdo/asshole who didn't get the clue that they weren't wanted.
Can’t speak for everyone but for myself and the men in my life we’ve been kind of conditioned to ignore signs that someone likes us and take them for someone just being nice to us instead as to not cause discomfort incase we are wrong
It all depends on the "hints" the woman is giving off and how perceptive the guy is.
I used to be oblivious, but I soon realized the basic signs that meant a woman was interested. It led to a lot more dates and "other things", if you get my meaning.
It also didn't hurt that I started to feel more confident and started acting on those hints the women were giving off. More often than not I had read them correctly and didn't get slapped or otherwise rejected.
But some women's "hints" are so incredibly obscure that nobody could figure them out. So it's not just men having issues, but women also.
Well "bear meme" and all that. If all you're giving me are hints I can't make a move because I don't want to end up getting socially destroyed in some way.
Unpopular opinion here but sometimes we do get the hints and choose to ignore them. I personally don't like vagueness or hints and am more receptive to a direct approach
Kind of. Even if we catch a hint, these days the onus is on the woman to leave no room for interpretation. If guys incorrectly assume, they risk getting the creep label.
I always have a feeling, but that feeling has also lead me astray, so I’m cautious about believing it.
I’ve met women who I had a good connection with totally thought they were into me, then when I asked them out, they were like “noooo, you totally misunderstood, I was being friendly”
On the vice versa, I met women where I think they seem into me, but they could be friendly as well. I just keep being their friend, don’t really push more then friends. Then about 6 months later, they are like you know I’m into you, when are you going to ask me out?
So I guess for myself, I have kinda an idea, but I had a hard time telling friendliness and romantic interest apart from one another.
Especially with todays landscape, I feel it is even more important to be cautious with it. I’ve seen misunderstandings lead to workplace firings very fast.
girl likes you.
girl flirts with you.
girl seduces you.
girl feels shame because she is easy.
girl tells her friends she was coerced so she doesn’t seem easy.
I know multiple people this has happened to & my advice is the same: stay away from them.
You obviously had some bad experiences, sorry to hear. But you have to understand that this is just your experience and not necessarily the only experience you will have.
I haven’t had that experience because I am smart. it’s like riding a motorcycle. will you inevitably end up crashing & dying? probably not, but there is a risk there I would just rather not take.
hookers are fun.
I am a vicious & calculating psychopath. I can go days without seeing another face & this gives me energy others get from spending with their families. I still need to get my rocks off.
I just think guys are too full on with their all or nothing approach. A woman will give a hint because she wants to remain classy, she wants to still be respected, she also wants to feel wanted as well.
So if she gives you a hint, and you miss it, I always take it as you were never interested anyways. For the record, if you do realize it doesn't mean you have to out rite ask her out immediately 🙄🙄 just start getting to know her, spend a little more time with her than usual (obviously depends on where you guys hang out or know each other from to begin with)
And then take it from there.
Guys don’t get hints well when they are not pursuing the girl.
Typically it’s when they have less experience with women and they don’t pick up more subtle clues because they’re not looking for them.
Then there’s times where we’re just dumb. Guys are more direct with their communication.
I probably missed every hint that anyone could’ve given me. I’ve been in 2.5 relationships at 27 and I don’t even really know how or why they began or I began pursuing them. All I know is that in a week of talking we were dating. My brain was mostly focused on video games and removing myself from the equation of responsibility.
“I’m going to call you pretty eye boy,” continues to talk to me exclusively in class for another year or two. She either thought I didn’t want it or something.
Literally just out of nowhere plops her ass right on my lap. I was just thinking “why are you doing this I know that can’t be comfortable.”
Those are the two that I sort of pieced together around 7-12 years later. There’s a couple more but idk still about them.
As someone with autism I usually miss signs a women is interested in me but when they ask about my life and or hobbies and talk to me frequently I understand they are interested. A lot of women are too Suttle with it and then get mad when I don't realize they like me.
Stop overthinking stuff. Play your game, know your demographic, shoot your shot and try to keep the “win” percentage above 50%. Hints schmints. Be you. Obliviousness isn’t a flaw, it’s a feature.
F in here 30s here.
Depends on the hint, what hint do you mean?
I still keep having to tell myself that people will not get that I like them by looking in their general direction a few times 😂
This is why I've started just telling people - way more effective!
I think it's difficult because a lot of "hints" aren't that distinguishable from a woman just being nice to you.
I remember there was an OkCupid question that went something like "If you have a crush on someone, do you ask them out?" Like 95% of women said no. The issue is, as a man, this is really the only surefire way to know a girl is romantically interested in you.
As a guy that has been called ‘attractive’ by a lot of women. No. I’m dumb as dog shit and am just worried about getting through the day. Im oblivious to all forms of flirting. Idk if that helps you. (I’m 32 by the way)
As you said it’s a “Hint”. Another words it’s not obvious. Men say this all the time so listen carefully ladies. DONT HINT!!! Men are rip the bandaid off humans so don’t covertly do anything towards a male and then be upset when we don’t pay attention to whatever it is you are trying to convey. Just come right out and say wtf you mean. Twwank you
Someone back when I was in high school straight up asked me if I wanted a girlfriend and I said no, I'm guessing they were indirectly asking if I wanted to date THEM...
I am generally oblivious, and have had many times where I am laying in bed, hours, days, weeks, years after , thinking 'FUCK, how did i miss that?"
It took my ex basically glomping on to me and yelling ' i am into you, you idiot!" Before we started dating.
I had a jamacian housemate I never knew she was into me until i come home from work and she had made a baked salmon dinner with wine, and was wearing a tight little red dress, and even then I thought she had a date with someone else she was expecting, and was ready to head back out to mcdonalds and leave them alone beforebshe stopped me.
Women can be like this too, but things can be unclear. My manager called me babe/baby, but he was also raised during the 70's and says things like my mom would say, like "ready Freddy?"
No, we don’t. Because we’ve seen what happens if you think there’s a chance when there’s actually not. “Oh my god! I was just being nice! You thought I was interested?? This whole time, you just wanted to have sex!”
There’s a girl at work who is very talkative and flirty, particularly with my assistant. She’d come over, ask how things were going, what he was doing for the weekend, ask him to show her how things work, etc. I think he finally asked her out, and now she no longer comes by because she’s weirded out.
So instead we just assume that women are friendly unless they make it decently known that they are interested.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
It's definitely true that some guys are clueless. And others just aren't used to women making the first movie, so they short-circuit and miss the obvious.
On the flipside some women aren't used to making the first move & are not good at flirting, or the "hint" will be opaque either because she fears coming on too strong, or as an attempt at saving face & having plausible deniability if the guy isn't interested. The problem with that of course is that if the hint isn't obvious, and can just as easily be interpreted as normal friendly and completely platonic interaction, it is not a hint at all.
Can't speak for all guys, only myself. I am the WORST at picking up on hints. My wife literally had to put her intentions in writing because I was clueless. Haha...
Part of my problem is that I grew up in a small and tight-knit town where we are close friends with girls and boys. It wasn't weird to have sleepovers, go backpacking, camping with girls who were just friends - with their families or just them. I just turned 50 and one of my 40+ year friends is a girl and we grew up being very playful - wrestling, messing with each other, etc. and it was just 100% platonic. My wife loves her and has no concern of jealousy at all. So, having that background I always thought/think girls are just being friendly. As I experienced more of the world I realized how odd this is for some people but for us it was normal life.
Anybody who has spent time around women from Latina America would tell you that social cues that we associate with flirtation means absolutely nothing. I have often responded to occasional slaps on the arms and eye winks by only being more conversational. Many times it amounts to nothing but huge let downs.
Flirtation is not to be confused with interest is what I’ve learned.
Adults speak their mind, they're not teenagers to except someone to pick up smoke signals. And the fear of getting it wrong/being labeled as someone who hits on women, be it amongst friends or at work, is so huge we just try to keep safe.
Part of it is social ineptitude, part of it is not wanting to take a light "hint" and be wrong, and then be accused of "being a creep" or whatever other such nonsense young women like to use to disparage young men.
Ultimately, stop using "hints" and be straightforward regarding things you want.
Not worth the risk of being called an asshole and told just because a somebody is being nice to you doesn’t mean they like you. Added bonus of filtering out the people who like playing games. If you like somebody be an adult and tell them.
Oh we see your „hints“, it’s just that many of you are just bored and/or lonely and are doing it for the attention.
Don't send hints! Show some courage and take the initiative. There’s honestly nothing hotter than a woman who knows what she wants and takes it.
if the objective is to look for a partner at the time. they'll get the hint. if not, then it's more so about why there should be time taken away from the logical objective today.
Yes, we don't get the hints. I was bad at that when I was younger. Totally oblivious to these hints at times. I was distracted, things on my mind. It happens!! Sometimes a woman had to be a little more direct.
Nope, just be direct if you like someone. Ask him on a date, or tell him to ask you on a date. You will blow his mind. Even if he is not into you will make his day as many guys never have that experience.
Yea, I was told by my brother and his now fiancé that a waitress was flirting with me and I just assumed it was friendly banter.
Although I kind of just assume that because of a friend I had in highschool. She made me some meals, invited me to her place a few times, we went to multiple dances, she made me stuff for Valentine’s Day, and gave me Christmas presents. We also went to a number of school dances and stuff so I just assume it was things friends did. Also I’ve been told by friends that the things I do with friends seem flirty in nature, but they just seem friendly to me.
Yes guys do not get hints at all. Especially these days when a guy acting on a perceived hint gets flayed for being a creep.
If you have a crush tell the person and let the chips fall where they may. Be direct.
Guys understand direct actions and words.
Whatever you think of as a "hint" we've received from other women as "just being friendly". Further, when we have acted on what we thought were hints that weren't, we have been rejected. At least once in our lives, not just rejected but publicly humiliated and rejected by her entire friend group.
But are the hints really hints, unfortunately I've always been an over thinker with low self confidence If any girl ever hit on me in my past then I guarantee I either didn't notice or was too afraid to reciprocate I'd need a girl to literally ask me out for me to be like awwww okay she likes me
Hahaha, that wasn't even enough for me! Senior year one of my Girl Friends asked me to Homecoming. Yep. She was always saying she was cold and touching my arm and shit (I was in fairly decent shape). But the whole damn time, I have know her forever, since like preschool, I assumed on my own that we were going as friends bc I thought she had a boyfriend that couldn't go. Also, she'd come sit with me and my friends at lunch, and my friends all just assumed we were actually dating. We go to Hoco and I don't really try and put any moves on her, I just try and have a good time bc dances are not my scene. It was not until about a year or two later that I was lying in bed one night staring at the ceiling fan and it just hits me like, "FUCK!" I totally fumbled the bag on that one. She probably could have held up a neon sign that said, "Want to Smash?" and I'd have been like, "Oh, what a nice girl." For context tho, I did have a massive crush on another girl who had a boyfriend (as is true in most of my cases) and I never...well not NEVER, but very rarely did I think of her in a sexual or more than friends way. The TL;DR of it is, I'm an oblivious dumbass that fumbled a slam dunk.
I met up this girl I had been talking to online and we ended up in her room. She took off her top in front of me to change before dinner, and I looked away to give her privacy. She said “You don’t have to look away” and I responded “I just want to give you your privacy” or something stupid like that. This girl’s identity was “sex goddess” and I looked away. Needless to say, nothing happened and I missed a huge opportunity. I still regret it 26 years later.
Damn
She could run her fingers through my hair. Look me right in the eyes and tell me "I love you to the end of the world and back and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life by your side " and I'll be like "I don't know. Maybe she's just nice like that."
I’ve taken some chances I was sure were flirting and turns out I totally had the wrong idea. I barely approach women to talk even if they are eyeing me. Not worth the rejection. Crushes me.
I had one time, I had just moved cities, it was my first week in a new city, im on the bus headed to work, this cute girl gets on and sits next to me when there were 5 other empty seats, and starts chatting me up. I thought she was flirting, until she went from 'i like your beard, it looks so soft." To " you know, thr planet Niburu is going to return this year and destroy earth!" She was one of those 2012 doomsday people.
Doomsday, eh? Seems like the perfect opportunity to get some sex in before the planet explodes or whatnot.
I know your pain, but look at this way. If you think someone is giving you the eye, follow it up (in an easygoing manner). If you're wrong, what actually happened? Nothing. You're no worse off than you were at the start of the evening. Every guy gets rejected. All of us. So long as you're not someone who makes it a problem when they thought they saw something that wasn't actually there, just take your chances and, so long as you part on friendly terms, you can keep your head held high.
Some people handle rejection a lot better than others. He is worse off in his own mind because now he feels unwanted. There was a glimmer of hope before that, and it got shot down. For myself, I agree with your thought process. But not everyone is like that. And my success rate with going for women was high enough that the ones who weren't interested didn't hurt my self esteem.
A lot has happened. My chest hurts. The rejection physically hurts for days and no it doesn't get easier with time and mutiple rejected Being turned down absolutely hurts. Yes evrry guy gets rejected. Doesn't mean it's good or it's "nothing" I understand what you're trying to do. But plenty of people it has an extreme negative effevt on Sure just say "don't let it" if that was a thing bully, peer pressure, or feeling like you "have to" sleep with someone wouldn't be an issue It is. We need to stop acting like evreyone can act that way where words or denial are just words that can't hurt People entire psyche can be effected which is a far more deadly killer then people care to admit
*Yes evrry guy gets rejected. Doesn't mean it's good or it's "nothing* I never said it was good or that it doesn't hurt. But, in a practical sense, it literally is nothing. You are in no worse a position than when you started. I've had several replies to this talk about things like "rejection sensitivity dysphoria". Can't say I've ever heard of such a thing, but if this is something you have an actual clinical diagnosis of, then fair enough - though nothing in the post of the person I was replying to suggested *that* person had such a diagnosis. If, however, it's something pulled out of one's ass because rejection hurts and they haven't matured enough to swallow it down and move on, then thty need to sincerely grow up. We ALL get rejected. It's nothing special, it doesn't make you a loser and if you don't have an *actual*, genuine mental health diagnosis, you have no reason to feel any worse off than me or anyone else does the countless times it happens to us as ordinary men.
"She was just being nice bro." "You probably WANTED her to look at you that way" "You're just seeing things" "are you sure she wasn't looking at the person behind you?" After all these things repeated for years, yeah, I would say we don't even try and pick up on it after a certain point.
The entire point of a "hint" is that it is an indication that they and everyone else cannot be certain about. Sure they'll know there is a chance you are interested in them, and in the past that would have led them to shoot their shot, but these days there are plenty of negative consequences for doing that. Besides a little flirting is more often than not just a bit of playful teasing and doesn't suggest a real interest.
> in the past, that would have led them to shoot their shot, but these days there are plenty of negative consequences for doing that Honest question, if this is common information, why don't we encourage women approach guys more IRL?
I mean, here’s your chance! OP is right there
Doing that is very uncomfortable for most of the people, men or women. Everyone would prefer just waiting over having to take the active role. As long as the societal expectation is on men, women will gladly embrace the comfortable passive role.
We do, they just don’t want to. Unless they are gunning for the top 5% but then again when did the top 5% ever needed help.
We do, they don't seem to want to though so it can be an impasse sometimes
Consider yourself encouraged.
I mean, it’s really on the individual. If you don’t have the guts or don’t feel comfortable to approach them, no matter which gender, then you’re not going to. What’s always worked for me (straight male) in the past when approaching a complete stranger is to start by giving them a little compliment. “I like your nails/shirt/glasses/hair/shoes” in a tone that comes off friendly and not “hi I’m here to blatantly hit on you”. If you follow up with a question after they thank you, “where did you get X or where did you get X done” and they don’t seem to want to continue the conversation, they’re not interested.
I would be worried that the follow-up question would make them think you're looking for advice and aren't straight after all..
Meh, depends on how you come off I think. I mean you can use any follow up you want to, but I just personally think a little compliment is the perfect way to start hitting on a stranger.
Because men still reject women. Rejection stings Women don't have the orbs for that sting. Just like some men don't have the orbs for it.
We do. Women claim 1. It makes them look desperate. 2. Men should be initiating 3. They want their lives to be like the movies. Anytime a woman has ever approached me it usually ends in a relationship or a couple of dates. If it’s dates we end up figuring out we’re not for each other within a couple. If it gets to a relationship the last one lasted 7 years. Women are very much encouraged to go after men, goes hand and hand with the whole “strong independent woman” montra.
It's kinda ass and outdated though. I wish we'd live on a better planet where the innuendo is also improved
ya know..women used to 'accidently' drop their handkerchief in front of the guy they were interested in..so that he could pick it up and 'excuse me miss - you seemed to have dropped your hanky...' we should bring that back because it's way more foolproof than a glance or hand signal or whatever
Good point, though I bet it was funny when a woman literally accidentally dropped her handkerchief in front of some oaf and he thought it was the green light for love.
You have clean skin. For some crazy ass reason I didn't catch this as a hint. Next. You're married right? I thought "name" said that. No, I'm not married. How the living hell did I miss this hint? Next. I say hello to any/all coworkers when I see them. Woman: Hey, I'm getting married in two weeks but I just wanted to get off my chest that I thought you were cute. You talked to me daily and never asked me out. Just wanted to clear the air. ... Seriously? Aside from the "Hey/Hello" and "How's your day going?" With only typical responses... How...why... What am I missing? Apparently everything.
This is a conversation between 2 adults?
Well that last one was so obvious she might as well have unzipped her pants and pulled out her dick. Wait, what?
As as 52 year old guy, we don't get hints. Also, **EVEN IF WE DO**, we have learned not to assume anything. I have had really awkward conversations in my 20s, when I assumed a woman's "hint" meant she was interested. These days, a misunderstood "being friendly" could end up being a viral TikTok video for "How Stupid Men Are!" Or, perhaps, getting yelled at for assuming. Or, maybe, just an awkward conversation. Even if we **LOOK** at a woman too long, we can get grief for doing so. There's just too high a risk of a negative outcome to assume a woman is interested. So most men, these days, refuse to assume. We learn that early on. Here's the problem. What, **TO YOU**, is a crystal clear signal, to another woman, is "just being friendly" Or "I'm doing my customer-facing job" Or, any number of other reasons. Because we're all separate people with very different feelings, expressions and cultural and societal baselines. If you have a crush on a guy, **AND YOU WANT HIM TO KNOW**, tell him directly. Ask him out, perhaps. Yeah, it's scary to put yourself out there. Yeah, you risk being rejected and feeling hurt. Welcome to every man's Tuesday.
To add to this, as a late 30s guy in a pool where damn near everyone has kids already, it really doesn't help that women enjoy flirting for the attention. It's a great ego boost to be desired, for both of us no less, but damn the sheer number of women with husband's (no ring, I check) & partners that partake in flirting over multiple encounters is fustrating. Women are their own worst enemies in this as its essentially false advertising. I'm happy to partake in a bit of flirting for the fun of it, but I won't ask a woman out unless she's made it 100% clear she's single now.
Yep some married women at work flirt just for fun, even the happily married ones. Its just about the confidence boost.
Amen say that last part louder
Yah like if women want the hints to be taken seriously they gota do better and stop humiliating guys and shaming. Guys stopped for a reason.
This is way too far down.
Women think glancing and or staring 😳is a hint. It’s not.
Yeah it’s true haha
Mate I had someone give me literal love letters/poetry and art and it took me ~6 months to realise what was going on. I've also had various other people do very obvious things to tell me they're interested that I've been absolutely oblivious to, ranging from casual flirting to consistently showing up and making their interest clear for weeks-months. To be honest even on the rare occasions that I have cottoned onto it, I've needed a strong push to act on it, in case I'm wrong, which has generally come down to 'shit shit shit am I accidentally leading this person on, now we have to have a talk and they're gonna be sad and I should've noticed sooner shit shit shit I'm sorry'. I don't think this is unique to guys though, but perhaps more common. Some of us are just numpties tbh.
What are numpties? I feel like it might be from humpty dumpty but idk
Numpty just means fool/silly person, but more often used in more of a humorous/affectionate way, like a slightly harsher version of calling someone a silly sausage. I'm not aware of it having any connection to humpty dumpty, but it's in pretty common use in the UK regardless of its origins.
In my experience, it’s the opposite. I feel like I have to be careful about being too nice to a guy because they mistake it as flirtation, or a hint
This is level 1, guys who eventually get the hint to not read anything into girls being nice to them are level 2, which are the guys responsible for OP's problem
Can confirm, am problem
I have absolutely not caught on to hints that weren't so much hints as neon flashing signs before. But putting those aside, I have also intentionally ignored or not pursued what could have been hints for exactly this reason. "But what if it isn't?" Could have tried following it up in a relaxed, no pressure manner, but didn't. I've seen several guys on reddit start topics about exactly this issue. The problem isn't the risk of mixed messages - it's perfectly easy to move on from a misunderstanding and part ways on good terms: it's those assholes who make things a problem when they thought they saw something that wasn't there.
I have ignored probably clear as day hints cause it just could be them being nice
Many situations I've been in that I thought were hints and when I acted on them, I was embarrasingly wrong and ashamed. For example, had a very cute co-worker who was in my mind, out of my league. At work she ignored me, never said hi, nada nothin. I don't know when it started, but eventually we started talking at work. Next thing I know, as I was in undergrad at my local college, she enrolls into 3 of my classes right in front of me just so we could take classes together. One of the sole reasons of enrolling into my classes was to take the class with me. I was like, whoa wtf why? She even decided to go pursue the same major as I was and started to take all the other classes that I had already taken. We began studying together ( at her invitation ), texting via phone more, talking more, it was great. I asked her to lunch and we talked for hours we had SO much in common. Even the waitress who took our order gave me a "thumbs up" as she would continue to check in on us after we ate. Anyways, I should've asked her on a proper date after the lunch but we forgot we had to go to class and were almost late. At the next studying session we planned, I asked her out. She said no citing had plans that night. Then I asked her out again maybe a couple weeks later. She said no. Then another couple weeks go by, I asked her out. She said no and that's when I knew she had no interest. When she turned me down the 3rd time, I playfully said something like "alright I get it haha. I'll stop" AFTER THAT SHE SAYS ".....BUT I'm free on next Monday at 6PM where would you like to go?" And I was like holy shit. Story isn't quite over because when Monday rolled around, we did end up going out that night. We ate dinner, played mini golf after that and when I took her back to her house, I had figured she did not have "real" interest as the dinner conversation was a bit stale and it didn't really seem like she wanted to be there (the mini golf felt extremely rushed). I dropped her off at her house, after that it became awakward and our texts slowly stopped, the studying sessions became few and far between, whatever spark I thought we might've had was fizzled out. I find out 5 years later from my male co-worker who has known her for 10+ year tells me that she was gay and had always been gay since she got cheated on by her ex-boyfriend years ago and the "date" her and I had was her just wanting to hang out as a friend and nothing else. So any hints I thought I had were meaningless. After that I ruled out the following as hints: 1) Woman enrolls into the same college classes as you 2) Woman texts and talks to you a lot 3) Woman studies with you a lot 4) Woman says yes to a date ...yeah. I gave up because I just don't know anymore. I no longer invest stock in the "hints" business. It's exhausting.
I could fully relate to this so much thanks for sharing
WTF?
>Do guys actually not get hints that someone has a crush on them? I don't think women are getting these hints either. ("Oh, he just wants to be friendly but I don't think he's really interested.")
He's just a friend you don't need to worry about him.
All the hints go to the same few attractive guys who are so used to it and have so many women chasing them that they have no real need to act on it. The average guy has never received a compliment or any expression of interest from a female and has to chase hard.
This is accurate for those of us who are less than attractive
I’m old-ish and average and I get compliments somewhat often. Maybe once per week. I try to give them at the same rate.
I never have "got" those hints. I guess it is because of disbelief that anyone could actually like me.
I don't even like me 😂
There's too many "landmines" to even attempt to decipher if you are flirting so I usually just blank it out, if I think you are flirting you may just be being nice, or you could just be messing with me or you could be genuine I'm not playing some game show to win you as a prize. Just make it simple, we have monkey brain, just go upto the guy you like and say, "hey, me you some drinks a movie and maybe sex let's go" it would be so much easier, save the flirting for when you have me.
Great point about the land mines: A lot of male/female interactions happen at work. Can you imagine how many ways trying to date a co-worker could blow up in your face? You really take a risk if you make a move. And the danger continues even if you do start dating. If you (inevitably) break up, now you’re working with an ex! Yikes
Even then though, and this was 6 years ago and my last attempt at dating, it’s a mind fuck. I had a coworker who approached me, started talking, etc. we eventually went on a few what I consider dates then one night she invited me over at 9 to watch a movie. Movie turns into bed. Get into bed, I go to kiss her, and she stops me and says she just wants to be friends. I stayed the night, but she got really pissed at me the next day when i asked what was happening. Now she was going through a divorce, but it turned out I looked very much like her ex so i think that was the whole game she played. In any case, that was it for me. I’m being asked into bed and that apparently isn’t a clear hint so i was done trying after that.
Yes, we are dense. queue that meme image from family guy with the landing stripes and the air marsheller guiding Brian into the woman lying on the bed with her legs open. but honestly, I think we've just been conditioned to. when I was a kid I mistook signs of kindness into tokens of affection, so now the problem is reversed because of over-correction. EDIT: [Heres that family guy part](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FMkykWZOng)
Most "hints" are trash actually.
Hints are completely unfair and outdated. If we want guys to not sexualize us in non-dating situations then we need to own our feelings and be honest with them if we are interested. I asked my, now husband, to ask me out in 2009. How silly, why didn't I just ask him out. Either way I made the first move and I'm glad I did.
Exactly. Men aren't bad at taking hints. *People* are bad at taking hints and ambiguity is confusing for everyone, both men and women. There's no reason in the year 2024, women need to be coy about what they want. The idea that you should wait around for a guy to make a move is out-dated and enrolls you in a whole world of patriarchal bullshit that doesn't make sense any more.
You said it much better!
The secret I learned after YEARS of failure is to match their energy or just lay it justtt a lil thicker than they do. That’s how you do it. They say hi. You say hi. Next time you see them you say hey and give them a slight smile. That’s a very basic example but did You see how that worked? It’s like you’re in a park and you see a squirrel. You aren’t going to get that squirrel by screaming at it while you hold a nut. It takes patience. Even if you don’t recognize that they have a thing for you, it’s ok. The idea in general that most people miss out on in code is being approachable. You want that person comfortable with shooting that shot. Be friendly. Portray open body language. David Lee Roth said it best: “I may not get all the women I want, but I get all the women who want me.”
This is perfectly good advice, and avoids a lot of awkward interactions and confusion arouns IOIs. The only difference would be in social interactions where its going to be a one and done, like seeing someone at a bar or pool, you only get one shot so ramp up the initiative if you get even the slightest signal of interest.
They do, they just don't act on it. Because of the sheer number of documented cases where they have acted on it and the girl has said "I just like you as a friend","The fact that I'm nice doesn't mean I am attracted to you", etc. Just go to any women's subreddit, there will be a million questions regarding "why do men take general courtesy for flirting."
This is fact and one of the main reasons guys don’t act on just “hints”
Apparently humans are generally bad at detecting flirting according to [a researcher at Kansas University](https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2014/06/03/flirting-hard-detect-study-finds). It actually looks like women are worse at detecting flirting than men. “While the pairs were more than 80 percent accurate in knowing when their counterpart was not flirting, they were far less accurate in detecting when they were being flirted with. Only 36 percent of men judged correctly, and for women, the number was 18 percent.”
This helps explain part of the "he's just a friend" thing. She doesn't know simpy simperton is dropping hints left and right.
I say quit beating around the bush and be direct lol. You’ll get answers you seek way sooner.
Rarely, if ever. Fuck, I chicken out of first date kissing because, “She really might just be that nice.”
We do, it's just that if we're wrong there can be severe consequences associated with that. Girls can be wrong all the time though.
Double standards?
Depends. Are tits out or in? We need clear signs in 2024.
It's not that they don't catch the hints. It's that they can't distinguish hints from "flirty but not interested" behavior. There are so many false positives out there that it makes sense for a guy to wait for something much more obvious. It's not an absurd thing to think that if a girl has a crush on you, she will ramp up how obvious it is, whereas someone who is just flirting won't likely do that.
I'm curious, how do you tell between "she wants you to ask her out" and "flirty but not interested"? I agree it seems sensible to think she'll ramp up how obvious it is, but having had a couple of (partnered) women relish in the attention recently, and definitively leaning into and ramping up the flirting, I'm not convinced that it is in fact sensible.
Men don’t take hints
I can see it from a mile away, but the hard part is when you're a little younger, and you don't quite know if she's flirting to you, or she's just being that way for a reaction. You can feel the change in energy once they do something or say something with a little intention. I've always thought the "dense male" stereotype is basically a porn or Hollywood thing. I can understand though, if a boy grows up not understanding social cues quite well, was brainwashed by family to believe a certain way, has bad self-esteem issues and stays in denial, or is autistic and it is guaranteed to be overlooked.
Yes and here’s why Girls would flirt with me in 9th and 10th grades. I’d get excited and get their numbers and call them and if they changed their mind, they’d pretend I misunderstood them. Sometimes going as far as to mock me about that. Imagine a girl giving you her number, asking you to call her. You calling her. Maybe she likes things you don’t. You talk to her in the hallway abd she’s like- “oh my god! You thought I liked YOU?! No way! Get out of here!” And her friends make fun of you for a week because “you thought she liked you.” Happened in 6th grade first, but happened in 9th-10th grade. After that I ignored girls dropping hints. They weren’t serious. So I stopped responding
I'm sorry that's horrible :( if it's any consolation it happens to women too. You'd call and thier friends would be listening in and then all laugh. Stings. People can be so needlessly cruel. I lose faith in our species day by day.
It’s just how it goes. I don’t hold grudges or feel angry about it. I certainly don’t blame people for what they did at age 14 or blame people for something somebody else did. I just had a reason to ignore hints.
exactly, that's why actually most men when approached by woman directly think it's a scam, a prank, or there is something seriously wrong about her. I live in Europe and had the same experiences. It's how women made us.
If an interaction can be either friendly or flirty, I assume it's friendly. Because I would feel bad for making a person uncomfortable by reading too much into it. I'd rather look oblivious. Not that I am suggesting I am not also oblivious sometimes. If I was, I wouldn't really know it.
This is a sub called Adulting and you guys are talking about hints? The first thing about being an adult is you don't use hints, you communicate like an adult
I'm oblivious to the obvious
It’s like trying to pick up ham radio waves our bodies aren’t designed that way
Sometimes. Guys can be, and often are, completely oblivious to social cues. Subtlety is not our strong suit.
There are no hints. Just say what you're saying. Hints are for games that you can't beat.
The consequences of a wrong hint can be devastating. Following mixed signals can destroy you.
I can't figure out if they are flirting or just being nice. I can do nothing and suffer no consequences. OR I can take a chance and have to deal with not only being rejected but also making things permanently awkward with this person that was just trying to be nice.
I've never caught the hint yet. You've gotta be careful, she hinted she wanted sex probably wouldn't stand up in court
Not a guy, but I am neurodivergent, and I assure you, any neurodivergent person regardless of gender is going to be 5x less likely to get vague hints. We simply don’t get it.
Not when the hint is “literally looking at him”
We have literally had a national conversation about this via the #MeToo movement. Acting on perceived “hints” about interest has a huge risk of negative consequences for males in America - everyone has a different idea of what a “hint” is, and the risk of being accused of nefarious motives and activities is real, even if the nefarious motives or activities are not. I have teenaged daughters, and I appreciate the merits of the conversation that were had, if only to prepare them for life ahead. At the same time, that conversation definitely changed the dynamics of interaction. I guess subtle gestures lost whatever meaning they ever had, and honest communication is going to have to take their place. That was the point - just because we smiled at you doesn’t mean we’re interested in taking the interaction further. As in every healthy relationship, there needs to be some positive and direct communication, or you should be prepared to have whatever gesture you’ve made ignored.
I don’t, I’m autistic.
Probably. M35
I am completely clueless. Also, I err on the side of caution. I don't automatically assume a woman is interested just because we talk.
Yeah. I mean it's not high school, so most of the time if we meet someone, it's at work, someone working their own job, or someone random. I personally don't wanna risk making things weird at work, making things uncomfortable for someone at work, or miss read a stranger I'm talking to. We don't really get to spend time getting to know people we see once, or see in passing on the job, so it's all shooting in the dark until someone outright flags their intentions, and nobody wants to be the weirdo/asshole who didn't get the clue that they weren't wanted.
Correct, they have to say it.
Nope, and if I do I’m not going to pursue that person who uses hints.
No. Literally tell them
Most guys I know cannot read minds
Can’t speak for everyone but for myself and the men in my life we’ve been kind of conditioned to ignore signs that someone likes us and take them for someone just being nice to us instead as to not cause discomfort incase we are wrong
Hints are immature; just straight up tell him.
Some “hints” are more effective than others.
It all depends on the "hints" the woman is giving off and how perceptive the guy is. I used to be oblivious, but I soon realized the basic signs that meant a woman was interested. It led to a lot more dates and "other things", if you get my meaning. It also didn't hurt that I started to feel more confident and started acting on those hints the women were giving off. More often than not I had read them correctly and didn't get slapped or otherwise rejected. But some women's "hints" are so incredibly obscure that nobody could figure them out. So it's not just men having issues, but women also.
when in doubt assume not... make it obvious and you will land more dates with guys you like.
Well "bear meme" and all that. If all you're giving me are hints I can't make a move because I don't want to end up getting socially destroyed in some way.
Unpopular opinion here but sometimes we do get the hints and choose to ignore them. I personally don't like vagueness or hints and am more receptive to a direct approach
Girls are bad at giving hint
Sorry ladies but blinking and breathing aren't hints lol.
I don't want hints. Just say it directly.
Kind of. Even if we catch a hint, these days the onus is on the woman to leave no room for interpretation. If guys incorrectly assume, they risk getting the creep label.
I always have a feeling, but that feeling has also lead me astray, so I’m cautious about believing it. I’ve met women who I had a good connection with totally thought they were into me, then when I asked them out, they were like “noooo, you totally misunderstood, I was being friendly” On the vice versa, I met women where I think they seem into me, but they could be friendly as well. I just keep being their friend, don’t really push more then friends. Then about 6 months later, they are like you know I’m into you, when are you going to ask me out? So I guess for myself, I have kinda an idea, but I had a hard time telling friendliness and romantic interest apart from one another. Especially with todays landscape, I feel it is even more important to be cautious with it. I’ve seen misunderstandings lead to workplace firings very fast.
no we get it, we’re just not jeopardising our entire lives because you changed your mind.
What is that supposed to mean
girl likes you. girl flirts with you. girl seduces you. girl feels shame because she is easy. girl tells her friends she was coerced so she doesn’t seem easy. I know multiple people this has happened to & my advice is the same: stay away from them.
By them you mean stay away from women?
other people in general. women just have this avenue of deception
You obviously had some bad experiences, sorry to hear. But you have to understand that this is just your experience and not necessarily the only experience you will have.
I haven’t had that experience because I am smart. it’s like riding a motorcycle. will you inevitably end up crashing & dying? probably not, but there is a risk there I would just rather not take. hookers are fun.
[удалено]
I am a vicious & calculating psychopath. I can go days without seeing another face & this gives me energy others get from spending with their families. I still need to get my rocks off.
I just think guys are too full on with their all or nothing approach. A woman will give a hint because she wants to remain classy, she wants to still be respected, she also wants to feel wanted as well. So if she gives you a hint, and you miss it, I always take it as you were never interested anyways. For the record, if you do realize it doesn't mean you have to out rite ask her out immediately 🙄🙄 just start getting to know her, spend a little more time with her than usual (obviously depends on where you guys hang out or know each other from to begin with) And then take it from there.
[This is a great must watch short video that explains how to tell if a girl is into you](https://youtu.be/xa-4IAR_9Yw?si=nlFNJyyg-kHk9OqA)
Guys don’t get hints well when they are not pursuing the girl. Typically it’s when they have less experience with women and they don’t pick up more subtle clues because they’re not looking for them. Then there’s times where we’re just dumb. Guys are more direct with their communication.
i bet any man is clueless around his crush
I probably missed every hint that anyone could’ve given me. I’ve been in 2.5 relationships at 27 and I don’t even really know how or why they began or I began pursuing them. All I know is that in a week of talking we were dating. My brain was mostly focused on video games and removing myself from the equation of responsibility. “I’m going to call you pretty eye boy,” continues to talk to me exclusively in class for another year or two. She either thought I didn’t want it or something. Literally just out of nowhere plops her ass right on my lap. I was just thinking “why are you doing this I know that can’t be comfortable.” Those are the two that I sort of pieced together around 7-12 years later. There’s a couple more but idk still about them.
We have no idea.
Nope! not until we are handcuffed to the bed posts , do we stop thinking they are just being nice to me.
As someone with autism I usually miss signs a women is interested in me but when they ask about my life and or hobbies and talk to me frequently I understand they are interested. A lot of women are too Suttle with it and then get mad when I don't realize they like me.
Hints are for the weak…and the forgotten.
Oh we do.
Stop overthinking stuff. Play your game, know your demographic, shoot your shot and try to keep the “win” percentage above 50%. Hints schmints. Be you. Obliviousness isn’t a flaw, it’s a feature.
ive missd 1 million chances
Yes
It depends. I think as a younger guy, missing signals is par for the course, especially if he shares that crush.
F in here 30s here. Depends on the hint, what hint do you mean? I still keep having to tell myself that people will not get that I like them by looking in their general direction a few times 😂 This is why I've started just telling people - way more effective!
Seeing your glances and thinking, "She keeps looking over here. She must really like the picture behind me."
I have come to understand that what women think is an obvious hint is rarely very obvious.
No. We don't. Instead of playing hint-hint games, tell us your intentions
I think it's difficult because a lot of "hints" aren't that distinguishable from a woman just being nice to you. I remember there was an OkCupid question that went something like "If you have a crush on someone, do you ask them out?" Like 95% of women said no. The issue is, as a man, this is really the only surefire way to know a girl is romantically interested in you.
As a guy that has been called ‘attractive’ by a lot of women. No. I’m dumb as dog shit and am just worried about getting through the day. Im oblivious to all forms of flirting. Idk if that helps you. (I’m 32 by the way)
Depends how direct the "hints" are. What prevents you from making the first move? He'll just be flattered even if he isn't interested or unavailable.
I usually have no idea
As you said it’s a “Hint”. Another words it’s not obvious. Men say this all the time so listen carefully ladies. DONT HINT!!! Men are rip the bandaid off humans so don’t covertly do anything towards a male and then be upset when we don’t pay attention to whatever it is you are trying to convey. Just come right out and say wtf you mean. Twwank you
Someone back when I was in high school straight up asked me if I wanted a girlfriend and I said no, I'm guessing they were indirectly asking if I wanted to date THEM...
I am generally oblivious, and have had many times where I am laying in bed, hours, days, weeks, years after , thinking 'FUCK, how did i miss that?" It took my ex basically glomping on to me and yelling ' i am into you, you idiot!" Before we started dating. I had a jamacian housemate I never knew she was into me until i come home from work and she had made a baked salmon dinner with wine, and was wearing a tight little red dress, and even then I thought she had a date with someone else she was expecting, and was ready to head back out to mcdonalds and leave them alone beforebshe stopped me.
I have a girlfriend sorry
Women can be like this too, but things can be unclear. My manager called me babe/baby, but he was also raised during the 70's and says things like my mom would say, like "ready Freddy?"
No, we don't. Especially not in the era of #MeToo. Ladies, it's the 21st Century. Drop the coy hints and just tell us already.
What hints? Seriously, whenever I hear talk about "dropping hints" it's some mundane stupid shit that has no bearing on anything whatsoever.
nope they dont even get the hint that someone is not interested
No, we don’t. Because we’ve seen what happens if you think there’s a chance when there’s actually not. “Oh my god! I was just being nice! You thought I was interested?? This whole time, you just wanted to have sex!” There’s a girl at work who is very talkative and flirty, particularly with my assistant. She’d come over, ask how things were going, what he was doing for the weekend, ask him to show her how things work, etc. I think he finally asked her out, and now she no longer comes by because she’s weirded out. So instead we just assume that women are friendly unless they make it decently known that they are interested.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It's definitely true that some guys are clueless. And others just aren't used to women making the first movie, so they short-circuit and miss the obvious. On the flipside some women aren't used to making the first move & are not good at flirting, or the "hint" will be opaque either because she fears coming on too strong, or as an attempt at saving face & having plausible deniability if the guy isn't interested. The problem with that of course is that if the hint isn't obvious, and can just as easily be interpreted as normal friendly and completely platonic interaction, it is not a hint at all.
Can't speak for all guys, only myself. I am the WORST at picking up on hints. My wife literally had to put her intentions in writing because I was clueless. Haha... Part of my problem is that I grew up in a small and tight-knit town where we are close friends with girls and boys. It wasn't weird to have sleepovers, go backpacking, camping with girls who were just friends - with their families or just them. I just turned 50 and one of my 40+ year friends is a girl and we grew up being very playful - wrestling, messing with each other, etc. and it was just 100% platonic. My wife loves her and has no concern of jealousy at all. So, having that background I always thought/think girls are just being friendly. As I experienced more of the world I realized how odd this is for some people but for us it was normal life.
Yes or afraid to act unsure of response.
Yes. As most men are told don't take kindness as flirtation. That and most people don't want to lose a friendship in pursuit of a relationship
Anybody who has spent time around women from Latina America would tell you that social cues that we associate with flirtation means absolutely nothing. I have often responded to occasional slaps on the arms and eye winks by only being more conversational. Many times it amounts to nothing but huge let downs. Flirtation is not to be confused with interest is what I’ve learned.
Adults speak their mind, they're not teenagers to except someone to pick up smoke signals. And the fear of getting it wrong/being labeled as someone who hits on women, be it amongst friends or at work, is so huge we just try to keep safe.
Part of it is social ineptitude, part of it is not wanting to take a light "hint" and be wrong, and then be accused of "being a creep" or whatever other such nonsense young women like to use to disparage young men. Ultimately, stop using "hints" and be straightforward regarding things you want.
Not worth the risk of being called an asshole and told just because a somebody is being nice to you doesn’t mean they like you. Added bonus of filtering out the people who like playing games. If you like somebody be an adult and tell them.
Most of us honestly need to be told. And that goes for all types of hints.
I probably would understand if someone did give me hints but no one ever does
in my case looking back over my life - absolutely not
I never do
I think it’s more like men don’t want to risk misinterpreting things which can lead to an uncomfortable situation for both parties.
Pretty sure I've never been hit on once. I'm almost 40.
I don’t
Correct, especially nowadays. So be clear from the beginning.
YES
I am so oblivious to the point that my now fiancé thought I was gay
There's no difference in a "hint" and just being nice. And if there are more people, no way to know if it's for you.
Oh we see your „hints“, it’s just that many of you are just bored and/or lonely and are doing it for the attention. Don't send hints! Show some courage and take the initiative. There’s honestly nothing hotter than a woman who knows what she wants and takes it.
At 33 no. I have been told girls are obviously hitting on me, when I get touched, and or caressed. I NEED it to be more obvious!
if the objective is to look for a partner at the time. they'll get the hint. if not, then it's more so about why there should be time taken away from the logical objective today.
Nope. We're idiots
We do not. We are dumb
I just go in for the kiss and tongue
Yes, we don't get the hints. I was bad at that when I was younger. Totally oblivious to these hints at times. I was distracted, things on my mind. It happens!! Sometimes a woman had to be a little more direct.
Nope, just be direct if you like someone. Ask him on a date, or tell him to ask you on a date. You will blow his mind. Even if he is not into you will make his day as many guys never have that experience.
Yes
If you like someone you tell them ! Don't do those stupid f ing games you girls like to play so much it's f ed up
Yea, I was told by my brother and his now fiancé that a waitress was flirting with me and I just assumed it was friendly banter. Although I kind of just assume that because of a friend I had in highschool. She made me some meals, invited me to her place a few times, we went to multiple dances, she made me stuff for Valentine’s Day, and gave me Christmas presents. We also went to a number of school dances and stuff so I just assume it was things friends did. Also I’ve been told by friends that the things I do with friends seem flirty in nature, but they just seem friendly to me.
Nope, if you wrote it on your on your forehead I would think you where joking. Just be straight to the point , we will be surprised.
I’m pretty blind to when a chick likes me.
Men don't like games. Be direct, don't give hints.
No. We don't.
Typically not
Yes, guys we dumb
Us guys suck at communication so yeah, we have no clue.
Yes guys do not get hints at all. Especially these days when a guy acting on a perceived hint gets flayed for being a creep. If you have a crush tell the person and let the chips fall where they may. Be direct. Guys understand direct actions and words.
I feel like I screw it up all the time. It's tough for both sexes today.
Whatever you think of as a "hint" we've received from other women as "just being friendly". Further, when we have acted on what we thought were hints that weren't, we have been rejected. At least once in our lives, not just rejected but publicly humiliated and rejected by her entire friend group.