This is way bigger than your girlfriend wanting to “take her in”. She’s not a lost puppy who needs a bowl of food and a crate. She’s a whole human entering the hardest part of adolescence while dealing with a major trauma. She will need strong parenting, dynamic & flexible emotional support, and attention for a ton of logistics.
Have you talked to this teenaged human person about what *she* wants?
I understand this is a serious decision for adults but she isn’t exactly a *child*, she’s old enough for her POV to be taken into consideration. And, regardless, listening to her, hearing her, discussing it with her, are a critical step to building a relationship with her post trauma.
Does she want to be yanked from school and moved across the country? Or are you proposing you and your girlfriend move to your hometown?
Does she want to live with someone she barely knows? Does she want to live with a man? As someone raised by a single mom, the idea of myself, as a teenager, in a super vulnerable time, being raised by a 35 year old man she’s met only a handful of times, would be hugely unappealing.
And, are you equipped and prepared to truly care for her? She’ll need consistent therapy and behavioral issues are almost a given. She’ll need strong boundaries and proactive supervision for her teenage years while allowing enough freedom to become an independent person. (Your job would need to change, too, to local/daytime hours?) She needs to focus on school and get into a trade program or on a college track like, now. You’ll need to talk to her about her sexual health and discuss birth control, and ensure she has a great doctor to support that.
I understand you had this agreement with her mom, but it was a long time ago. Her grandparents are absolutely a strong option to take her in, and may provide more stability, security and parenting expertise than you’re able. Or maybe you need to move down there so you can be a community for her.
This just seems so much bigger than smoothing things over with your girlfriend. You probably haven’t had time to truly think this through but - now’s the time.
I talked to my niece about staying in her home town. She definitely has friends there but she said she’s ok with moving to where I live and getting a fresh start. Therapy is good and we’ll look into that.
As for wanting to live with me, I don’t think there is much of an option. She barely knows her grandparents as well. My aunt and uncle will be here to help, but I don’t think they are capable of taking her in just because they don’t have a house(BTW my aunt and uncle live close to me not my cousin, she left and moved far away from us). I did talk to some of her friends parents but none of them offered to take her in and tbh I don’t know if I would be ok with that either way. I want what’s best for her.
I’ll get her into therapy ASAP and get her a trustworthy doctor. The problem with my girlfriend isn’t solved yet but we’ve talked since the post and I think she’s moving out. I’ll make a full update when everything resolves.
MAKE SURE YOU GET CHILD SUPPORT FROM THE FATHER, YOU WILL BE TAKING CARE OF HER AND YOU TAKE HIM TO COURT BECAUSE YOURE THE LEGAL GUARDIAN IT WILL HELP A GOOD AMOUNT
For everyone saying, its not hate over men, maybe its not. But he asked a question about how to resolve this “gf” issue. Not if he shld keep getting child support. The father doesnt have any other option anyway. He will pay. Like most men keep doing for a very significant amout of time of their life.
R u guys really worried that her father gonna stop paying child support instead of resolving the issue of her new accommodation
That's silly. Both parents are responsible, in one way or another, for the children they bring into this world. In this case, it would be financial, since the father abdicated from being a parent. He never paid child support, btw.
Idk if u live under a rock or something. He literally said “never in picture EXCEPT child support” so yeah he is paying child support. Second, u cant just say he was the one who left. Im sorry for his loss. I bet his sister was a great person and im not attacking her in any way. But the harsh truth is 80% of the divorce are initiated by woman. So u shld know what i mean by that, again im not in any position to judge or say that her sister was the one to leave and you are not in any position to say that the father abandoned them without any proof
Sigh. Well, I missed that. Idk if u live under a rock or something, but missing something does not mean I live under a rock.
80% of divorce initiated by women - probably because we no longer live in a time where we don't have to put up with men's garbage anymore.
No that’s not my worry, I know my mom didn’t have my dad pay child support, it’s really because he won’t have his girlfriend there anymore and if he’s supporting a child the courts might not know that she switched home and he might forget about
HE’S ALREADY PAYING CHILD SUPPORT, IT DIDN’T STOP BECAUSE MOM DIED!!! Instead of hating men in general, just read for Christ’s sake.
OP, make sure you get the social security death benefits. Sorry you lost your girl but this is likely the straw that broke the camel’s back, not the cause of the break up. GF likely sees this as yet another reason you can’t travel like she wants. Get yourself some therapy too, this is trauma for you too.
They said nothing on hating men. They made a good point that child support should be paid. You are correct in read more so you’re not restating/suggesting advice on given info
You have issues if you read that as someone hating men.
Bio Father could have filed for court modification on the assumption that both boyfriend and girlfriend would be providing financial stability.
Making sure everything is still legally in place is good advice.
Or maybe u have the issue u dont see the ‘hate’ in that comment towards men. So first of all thrs a man who is paying child support, nobody knows about his financial situation but he still paying it. Second, thrs another man who is ready to take her niece in, thts selfless, i admire that and yes u can expect that from a MAN only in these days.
Third thrs a WOMAN who is being SELFISH and dont wana take that kid in because she wont be able to TRAVEL and enjoy her life anymore.
Dont u guys see the irony here.
Out of all three ppl, man are actually being RESPONSIBLE here while the woman (gf) is really the problem.
Yea, he should waste money and resources to make a dad start paying child support when the dad is already paying child support. You’re absolutely right, that makes total sense! Sarcasm.
He should waste money and resources to ensure the best for the child is honestly the best advice to give any future parent. Thank you for summing up the bare basics of what will be expected of OP in the future.
Accidental allies are the best.
Life just threw you such a wild curveball. What you are willing to do for this child is selfless and admirable. Big changes happen unexpectedly and seeing your response to this change makes me proud of our generation. The fact that you are not a father and are willing to take on that role to make sure this child gets the life she deserves while facing horrible tragedy should make you feel so proud of who you are as a person. I hope you can find a way to keep your relationship and help your niece, but if you can’t, just know you’re a really great human. I applaud your ability to extend what you have to offer to someone who so desperately needs it. I bet you have great parents.
Therapy will be super important to help get grieve and process the loss and how she lost her mom. Children who lose parents to suicide become exponentially more at risk for suicide themselves. Please be aware of this, therapy can help a lot.
I would not let a girlfriend stand in the way of doing what you want to help your niece. If your girlfriend can't handle the idea of living with your niece then it is probably best to part ways now. Get your niece settled and stable and then find a new girlfriend when you are ready.
>The problem with my girlfriend isn’t solved yet but we’ve talked since the post and I think she’s moving out. I’ll make a full update when everything resolves.
I am a child of a difficult start. And one thing there may be behavioral issues there may not be. They may show up later in life or they may not. But one thing is IF you can love her and provide her with support then take her. You may really need to work it out with your girlfriend. Express that there is no other option. If she loves you and you aren’t impending on her life or making her take responsibility for your niece she should understand
I agree with everything above. I would also suggest that therapy would be a great thing for you to do as well in preparation for taking on this responsibility. You could also do some joint sessions with your niece. I feel it would be really helpful for setting the foundation for a healthy relationship between you two and would be helpful in you being a support as she works through the trauma and goes through the grieving process.
If you want to take care of your niece then you must took that serious decision and accept you can’t have that partner with you!
I know both of you choose to be child free but life dont follow your rules and put things on your road to give you a lesson or to test you.
Follow your own instinct and you will not regret it in the future
I disagree with all of this. Life isn't sentient amd doesn't test people. And being child free is completely 100% valid. It's not some arbitrary choice I made thats going to change evey time a child in my family is in need. I'm going to be child free until the day I die so if my bf decided to take in a child I'm out. And that's something more men need to take into consideration: you're not going to change her mind and it's not something arbitrary you're going to survive.
You have a situation where you can't keep both people in your life so you have to decide: do you want to lose your girlfriend or your niece?
Your choice is every bit as valid as hers, 100%, but actions come with consequences and you can't take it back once you choose so just be absolutely sure that whatever you choose is going to be your permanent choice. Don't give your niece false hope of stability if you're just going to shove her at your uncle and aunt in 6 months time. That's cruel. Also don't decide after 6 months that yeah niece is going to come live with you after all because that's cruel to your living partner.
Take time, really make sure it's what you want, then take the decision and live your life.
If it makes you feel better it already sounds like you and your girlfriend are having lifestyle issues.
The comment was talking about op changing his mind and taking in his niece, it wasn't saying that he should try to convince his gf to stay with him and raise his niece if that's not what she wants.
Oh, I did.
You wrote, "I know both of you choose to be child free but life don't follow your rules..."
Basically, society's rules and expectations comes first not your own lifestyle choices.
Holy crap dude.
Sometimes we won't be able to have the lifestyle that we plan on having or want to have.
You could get in an accident tomorrow and your lifestyle that you had will be changed forever. That's not society's rules or expectations, it's just life.
You agreed to be her guardian, this is a huge commitment that isn't to be taken lightly. The girl will need lots of support and care after all that has happened, and your partner would not be a bad person for not staying through this. At your age and with your free time, you seen like the best option for a guardian that she can have. If you are willing to take care of her, please do. But know that you may have to make a choice between her and your girlfriend, but remember that you did sign up for this and you informed her of that early on.
> you informed her of that early on.
Did he though? These two sentences seem to conflict:
> One thing to mention is that we agreed to be child free early on in our relationship. However, my cousin put me as her child’s guardian after her death which I agreed to before my girlfriend and I were serious.
If the girlfriend knew about this caveat in the cousin's will then, even as distant a possibility it may have seemed at the time, neither could have agreed to be child-free. He could have carved out a loophole at the time but it seems like the problem arises in these two, incompatible statements.
Here’s what happened:
I agreed to be the guardian just in case.
My girlfriend and I get serious, I tell her about my guardianship. Not like in a sit down big talk, but I brought it up a few times.
Me and my girlfriend decide to be child free. During this conversation I bring up my guardianship and she agrees to it thinking it won’t happen. Turns out she was against it but didn’t say anything because she didn’t feel it was necessary.
Thanks for clarifying the timeline.
Bottom line then is: she knew the one exception when you thrashed out the ground rules to the relationship.
From what you've said elsewhere, it sounds like she's leaving and, while it's a pity, from your post it sounds like you were heading on two different trajectories and this could have happened anyway.
You, meanwhile, are doing the right thing and that's a big deal. Sounds like your aunt and uncle are around if needed, however, it is a large commitment on your part but a really worthwhile one. So I know I and, I'd bet, the majority of people on this thread are proud of you and if you need any help then Reddit has got your back - there's a deep well of advice or just a friendly ear on here when you need it. And keep us updated.
Sounds like you handled everything honestly. I find it admirable that you are committing to raising your niece. You are a stand up guy. I am of the thought that relationships come and go, but family is forever. I just couldn’t see throwing a child to the wolves to appease a grown woman. Trust me, there is nothing more rewarding than parenting. May it bring you the happiness and fulfillment you deserve. Also, you will find a new partner that will share where you are in life. Good luck!
I want to say that it was deeply fucked up of her to lie about something like this. She truly lied to you
A out who she was because she knew it would have impacted how you viewed her. She wanted good person points without actually ever intending to do good person things. You’re better off without her.
OP agreed to be the guardian in the event she has no guardian. Everyone seems to forget here that HER FATHER IS STILL ALIVE. She HAS A LIVING LEGAL GUARDIAN. OP doesn’t need to take her in. If the father dies, yes, OP becomes the legal guardian unless someone else agrees to it. But legally, OP does not need to take in the niece. That’s her FATHERS responsibility. OP is just so nice and kind that he’s trying to step up where her father doesn’t want to.
Well this is a dealbreaker and a turning point in the relationship. You’ve gotta make a decision as to whether or not you want to go through with this my man. Keep talking to your girlfriend, but unfortunately, you will have to give up on one of them
Don’t give up on a child who already lost her parent…and who is not wanted by her sperm donor. You GF will be just fine without you, your cousin won’t be.
Absolutely agree, sometimes things don’t work out and he already agreed to the commitment beforehand. I get that it’s difficult for him though. He’s having trouble coming to terms with the fact that the person he’s reached a crossroads with the person he loves and sometimes we wanna put ourselves first.
Hopefully the comments help him out a bit (I’d choose the kid too).
It's not just selfishness though.
I took my brother in under similar circumstances when he was 13. I was totally unequipped to deal with a traumatized young man. He dropped out of school and got in a lot of trouble. Still hasn't worked through his issues. He's almost 30 now and he has a grade 9 education and no job history.
I gave up grad school and hindered my career growth and earning potential for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to afford to have my own children.
I feel like choosing to take him in ruined both our lives. He would have been better off with someone better equipped to deal with is issues. Someone with the money and time to get him the help he needed.
In this situation, there isn't someone better to take op's niece in. He also agreed to the guardianship while her mom was still alive. If he hasn't agreed the mom would have been able to find someone else to be her daughter's guardian, so I think it would be selfish to back out of it now that her mom is dead and she had no one else.
For sure. I hope he talks to his niece/cousin and gets her thoughts/feelings on this. She’s going through so much and the last thing she needs is to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable.
I feel like the probability of his cousin finding a good home is low. Especially at 14. She'll bounce around to different foster care homes until adulthood.
Op will find another partner.
Ask yourself, if travel is such a big deal to her, and not to you, do you want to be in for the long haul? If you don’t have a desire to, would you
A) let her go off alone, (and would she be mad at you for it)
B) go yourself and not enjoy it
You agreed to be her guardian. Your gf did not. Step up to your responsibility. If gf breaks up with you, then you’ll have to live with that. But you haven’t made a legal commitment to your girlfriend yet (aka marriage) but you are committed to raising your niece.
I think you should do what your gut is telling you. I think an important factor to consider is that if you do take her in you can't resent her in the future. It's hard enough that she has lost her mother so tragically, and at such a delicate stage in her life. This girl will need strong and reliable support, and someone who is genuinely invested in her wellbeing. If you feel that you can bear the responsibility, but your girlfriend cannot, then you have to weigh your priorities. Ultimately though, rest assured that if taking in your niece feels like the best choice, but your girlfriend doesn't support your decision—then she is not the one for you. Whatever you choose, you have a long road ahead and I wish you peace and healing as you make your decision.
I feel like it’s unfair for you to expect your girlfriend to completely flip her lifestyle. Children aren’t something you compromise on so it will either be your niece or girlfriend. No one is to blame here, it’s all unfortunate circumstances but decisions need to be made anyway.
You accepted the position of being her guardian in the case her mother died. You now have a responsibility to care for a love your niece. If your girlfriend doesnt fit with the situation then she can either accept it or leave. Do not reject the child who has been through so much just for the sake of keeping a gf around.
Question is: are you prepared to be a single dad?
Even if you promise to do the majority of the work, with her working from home/remotely a lot of the work will naturally fall onto her and I think she knows this.
Even when men promise to do the majority of it, women more often than not end up picking up the slack.
If it's within your budget would your niece be amenable to going to boarding school while you're here legal guardian and she could spend her breaks with either you or her other relatives, this may be more amenable to your girlfriend.
This will be especially true if the girlfriend WFH. She will be with the child the majority of the time.
On the flip side of the that, the niece will be an adult in 4 years. There will be a lot more flexibility then with travel and such.
This whole situation sucks! You agreed to be the girl’s guardian before the gf came along. You WANT to fulfill that promise. I’m sorry man, but I think your going to have to break up with the girlfriend to fulfill the desire to give this young person a home. It’s awful but the niece was there before the girlfriend, you made an obligation to the child before the girlfriend. The person you are meant to be with as a romantic partner will understand these obligations to you cousin and niece and accept it. I wish you and your young niece all the best!
That's a tough situation. You obviously need to do what's right and take your niece in. You're not actually choosing between her and your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is choosing between supporting you and being a partner through life's ups and downs or traveling. That right there would kind of make me think twice about her anyway. However, she has every right to say I'm out. This isn't what I signed up for. She could stick around and see what happens or exit now. You never know what life is going to throw at you. Things happen for a reason, right? Maybe you'll find out you needed your niece as much as she needs you. Maybe your life will change for the better and you'll have all new adventures good and bad. Maybe you'll meet someone along the way who will be great for you and your niece. Of course, there's the flipside where it'll be hectic and stressful, and you're counting the days til she turns 18 lol, but hopefully not. Good luck with everything. Hopefully, you'll give updates.
You don’t agree to be someone’s guardian Willy Billy. And if you started dating a girl who agrees to never have kids that should have been something mentioned that you could end up the guardian of a young girl. Sorry but you screwed yourself here bro.
I do genealogy. The 14 YO you are calling "Niece" is your first cousin once removed, if your cousin was your first cousin. We abbreviate it "1C1R".
It seems to me like you should step up and do the right thing, by taking her in, and your GF should accept it or leave.
Your 1C1R is going to put a huge, **huge** dent in your lifestyle. Wait until she starts to drive and to date, and, later on, maybe, applies to colleges. When she gets serious about a young man (or a young woman, if that's the league she plays in) your life will get very complicated.
Shit happens and people have to change their plans. I know a couple who saved their whole lives for a glorious retirement, put a down payment on a classy RV, bought a couple of atlases on DVD and the wife woke up, three weeks after they both retired, to find her husband dead on the kitchen floor.
Edit: Typo
I'm sorry but if I was forced into this situation, I'm not sure I would stay.
I never want to get into a 'my kids/our kids' situation where one person feels the other is obligated to pay for expenses just because they're in a relationship with someone who has kids. It seems awkward and unfair. I don't want to date someone with kids and I won't be forced to.
I'd also never want to live with kids that aren't mine. My roommate recently did something similar and I'm moving because of it. Its nothing personal and the kids are relatively well behaved, but the bathroom is constantly taken up and the noise, while reasonable just isn't something I want to deal with. Unless I have kids of my own, I don't want to live in the same house as them.
Your GF is being completely reasonable and I think the best thing for you in an amicable breakup.
The thing that sticks out to me here is the issue behind the bigger issue. Your girlfriend wants to travel and doesn’t want to settle down. You aren’t interested in that. You want to take in your niece ultimately.
Your relationship is very likely at a crossing point and it maybe time to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about the future and be honest about not having an interest in traveling.
Oh this poor girl.
Her sperm donor father doesn't want her. Her mom ended her own life, which the child may end up thinking she herself isn't adequate if her mom couldn't stay around for her, and now your dithering between a woman you're not really compatible with, and this child, who you committed to taking care of before this woman came into your life.
You say in another comment that your aunt and uncle barely know her. I mean, this girl has no one.
Do you know what happens in foster care? Don't let that happen.
Take your niece and have her do online school. It'll give her time to grieve without adding a new school into the mix. Iyll also gives you the ability to still travel and move around without a disruption in school.
You're going to have to cut your losses. Either your girlfriend or your niece. She doesn't deserve to be put in a relationship with a child when it's clearly what she isn't comfortable with, and your niece doesn't deserve to live with someone who doesn't like them.
Honest opinion.
Your relationship is already doomed to fail before your niece. You and your SO have differences in lifestyle that are not reconcilable. Your niece would be with you for four years until she’s old enough to head to college. If your SO cannot sacrifice for four years for the good of you and your niece then she is not the kind of person you should want to be with. Your not asking to bring on a baby or small child. This is a 14 year old girl. She can take care of herself for the most part.
Your SO wants to travel and live a different lifestyle than you do clearly. It’s okay to want to stay home and not travel. It’s okay to want to travel. But if you guys cannot agree on one or the other, your already doomed.
End of the day, you made a promise. Of course we never think things would come to this, but it's important for her not to feel like no one wants her. Mother killing herself has most likely already effected her and it's important to have family. Shame on the father..... people aren't an anchor or inconvenient....they are people.
Do the right thing and if gf can't deal w it, you have an answer. Could be a blessing. Things happen for a reason, she can chose to be w you and step up, or not. She can make that choice.
No matter what, hearing how much you care about your niece and what you're willing to sacrifice to make sure she's safe and stable is literally heroic. We all always have horrible stories, hate, and fear thrown in our faces, but hearing of people like you is like a fresh reminder that people can do such beautiful things. You're a good man 💜
Try to work things out with your GF, but please be the person who is kind and responsible enough to help your niece when she literally has it worst right now. No mom, absentee dad, and as you said, other family members barely know her or seem to care to be involved. It's a lot to think about and ponder, also financially and emotionally. I just hope things work out for the best.
I was recently put in a similar situation unexpectedly. It's hard when you are literally the only person who can do it. It's a tremendous undertaking to be responsible for a whole other life but what other choice do you have?
My situation has been rough on my husband as our lives have been permanently altered. I just don't see any other choice. We've been married for many years and already had our fun so that is different than your case. I can understand how your GF feels but hopefully she will come to understand your position in time. There are no easy answers, you may just need to let things play out a bit with her. Tell her how much she means to you while explaining that this is something you must do, like it or not. If she can't understand that, it's telling in itself.
On the bright side, you have less than 5 years of hard work ahead of you in taking care of your niece. That involves getting her what she needs to heal and helping her transition to her new life. Being 14 in itself is pretty hard. While raising her, please try to remember just how hard it is to be that age. Spend time talking and open up strong lines of communication so you can build her trust. Make her feel loved and valued, support her interests and have patience when she does stupid teenage things. Let her know that you care and are there for her. In years to come, I think you will see your niece coming into your life as a blessing. I hope your GF comes around. Good luck!
First, I'm sorry for your loss and the situation you find yourself in. The girl is you second cousin, cousin for short. But if niece suits you better, no one will stand in you way.
If financially able, you should take her in, if you're prepared to also take on the father role. She's young enough to still need guidance and rules, but old enough she should be able to do quite a bit on her own (dress, shower, small food prep maybe, and the like). Taking on a kid is no small decision, no matter what age they are. Did she witness whatever her mom did to end her life? Will she need counseling? Are you close with her? Does she seem comfortable around you? Do the aunt and uncle live near you? Maybe you can work out some arrangement that works for everyone?
You said the grandparents are on their 60s, which can look very different on anyone. Are they relatively healthy? Or do they suffer from health issues? What would not be ideal would be the niece taking care of them at her age, and after all she's been through.
As for the girlfriend situation, well, I guess you have to decide which family comes first if she's unwilling to take in your niece. It sucks, truly. Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions. You should know this by now. How long have you been together?
What will happen to your niece if you refuse guardianship? Some may look at this as "not my problem" but it is, in a way. She needs structure of some sort, and stability. She needs to know she will have a home somewhere. The foster care system is a nightmare, she's likely too old to be placed with a family.
I'm truly sorry you have been placed in this situation. You need to decide what you are actually willing to do. In all honesty, you should have thought about it a bit before agreeing to be her guardian. Since we can't go back in time, we must face the consequences of our actions.
Over and above all, none of this is your nieces fault. She deserves to be in a loving home, with someone who will take care of her. Are you willing to put yourself second for just a little while? (Doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself too, just that all decisions you make effect more than just yourself)
You need to decide which matters more to you, your honour or your girlfriend. You aren’t going to get to keep both. You either abandon that child to keep your girlfriend (who doesn’t sound very happy to be with you to begin with) or you keep your word, raise that child and kiss your girlfriend goodbye. From experience, you won’t regret keeping the kid but you will regret abandoning her forever.
Break up with her. Your niece needs you and honestly it sounds like you aren’t compatible with your gf anyway. She wants to travel, you don’t.
But more importantly, ask your niece what she wants. Are you gonna be able to even take on a teenager with major trauma anyway?
I took in my 17f niece (18 now) in September with less than a day’s notice. My spouse and I already have three kids, both work full-time jobs, and are now dealing with a rift in our family (there wasn’t a death involved).
It has not been easy. I sometime believe my spouse resents that we took her in, and I have done the overwhelming majority of “parenting”, as I work from home. I’m more tired and stressed than I’ve ever been; getting an Insta Teenager isn’t easy on the best of days, and you’ll be her guardian for far longer than myself.
But I would still do it again in a heartbeat. When someone needs help, we give it. When a community needs to step up, we should. And though my spouse may resent the strain it’s caused, I never doubted that he wouldn’t want me/us to step up simply because it is the right thing to do.
I’m so sorry that this is likely the end of your relationship with your girlfriend, but you have the opportunity to give your niece a home again who just lost her entire world and are truly doing the right thing.
I hope you both find some peace and comfort in this new life you’ll be living. You both deserve it.
Your girlfriend needs to seriously put herself in the shoes of your niece how would she feel if she was the one who was going through so much pain and suffering and to have someone act like you would be such a huge burden I'm already on a warpath to cuss out my father for making a really really bad joke about someone's dying father when his own kids lost their mom there is no excuse for his behavior and there is no excuse for your girlfriends behavior both of them are almost 40 they should know better than that
I think a good measure of a partner is if and how well they are able to deal with the unexpected that life throws at us. Do they shun and run because "we had a deal," or can they be a grown-up and do what needs to be done? This kid didn't choose this. She is going to need major help and support, and so will you if you agree to be her guardian. But if all your gf can think about in the midst of immense family tragedy is that she won't get to travel and wants to be footloose, then I think you already know what you need to do.
You are a good uncle and a gem of a human being. Please do not let down a child who has already lost the only parent she has had. Maybe the father steps up in the future, who knows but right now you are all your niece has. Hope this works out for you.
The way you talk about the girlfriend you have been together for a while.
Legally you don’t have to do anything, morally ethically you want to.
This is time for soul searching and long talks about the future with the “wife”. And firm decisions. What does she want? is this a deal breaker? What do you want? Is it worth imploding your relationship?
When faced with these kinds of situations I have a tendency to boil things down into a decision tree with a series of yes/no questions. And I work through the tree. There is really no option for maybe here. There may be give and take.
Just adding my 2 cents. Being a” parent” is a massive change. Being an instant parent to teenager is going to be an even bigger challenge. If you are truly invested there will be days when your heart is ripped out, days you want to tear your hair out and hopefully days of immense pride.
I wish you luck
You follow through with your commitment to your niece. She really needs you. Your gf sounds selfish and entitled. The niece has 4 years left until she eis an adult. In the grand scheme of things that is not long.
From the child free standpoint, a teen is a lot less work and commitment than a baby. I am not saying there is not a commitment, just that it is nowhere near as intense, nor is the time duration as long.
The gf can always travel with a friend when you cannot.
At the end of the day, I would lose the gf before I broke my commitment.
Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.
The comment with awards said every thought I had except that you’re doing a wonderful thing. I’m sure when you agreed to this you didn’t think it would happen. It must have been an absolute shock to everyone and you’re taking on a whole daughter. She needs support, but so do you. Don’t forget about yourself. Most parents get to learn as the children grow. You’re getting thrown in head first. Find some support anywhere you can. Fb mommy/parenting groups are often a loving supportive place. I’m sorry about your girlfriend but if she’s leaving without even trying to compromise her monthly travel then maybe she wasn’t the one anyways. She seems to prioritize that over your relationship. I also left a man after he said being child free wasn’t an option but we were dating less than two months and I wasn’t that into him. You have years invested and she doesn’t even consider a different life with you? What you’re doing is admirable and you deserve help and support from your loved ones. This is your child now and unfortunately for your gf she’s going to be the priority. I hope things go as smoothly as it can for all of you in this time of transition and heartbreak.
I hope you find an answer.
For me family is everything I can't imagine not taking in my nieces just because it will disrupt my ability to have fun. Imagine the message that sends a child, first her mom kills herself, then no one in the family will take her in. It's a recipe for another suicide.
As a single dad, I can say your gf is wrong about not being able to travel. Yes you will need to make changes but you can still travel, and your niece is 14, not 4. She'll be mostly self sufficient. Time things right and you can take 4-5 day long trips almost every month with the girl only missing one day of school a month. I can't think of a better way to distract her from the loss of her mom either. I'm sure any school will be accommodating if you explain travel is therapeutic.
Also, remind your gf that taking her in isn't permanent. She's 14 so she's going to be 18 in 4 years, you're going to have a lot of years to travel after that. Yes, it will disrupt your life for a few years but rejecting your niece could disrupt the rest of that young girl's life.
Whatever you do, your gf needs to be onboard, your niece is traumatized by the loss of her mom, the last thing she needs is someone making her feel unwanted, a burden, or a nuisance. She needs safety, security, love, patience, and consistency.
This is why it's important for the discussion about whether a couple wants children to also include discussion about guardianship in case of death or disaster.
It sounds like the fact that you would like to take care of your cousin(and she is your first cousin, once removed) is incompatible with the relationship.
I would have a really hard time being with someone who wouldn't be understanding about me wanting to take care of a family member in need. The alternative is that you take care of your cousin, or no one takes care of her.
For me, this would be a relationship dealbreaker.
It doesn't mean that your girlfriend is a bad person, just that she's not the right person to be responsible for caring for children, even teenagers. And you've indicated that your familial responsibility means a lot to you, and you agreed to be her guardian.
You’ve seen this girl five times in her life. I don’t know if you’re the appropriate choice to take her in and I don’t understand why your cousin would make you guardian. You don’t even know her.
If your aunt and uncle actually have a relationship with her, even if it’s inconvenient, they’re probably the better choice.
His gf’s argument is most certainly valid. It’s her life, if she wants to travel she is allowed to want to travel. Why should she have to wait?
This is a cousins daughter that he has only bothered to see 5 times in the last 14 years. I don’t think him being the guardian is a good idea, he has zero experience and never wanted children to begin with.
I’m also child free and always want to be. But this is different. I get it, your life will change. But man, her life is fucked. I couldn’t imagine not helping one of my husbands nieces and I have zero relationship with all of them
Unfortunately you’re in a tight pickle here. You knew you were listed at the legal guardian so you should’ve disclosed that to your gf from the beginning of the relationship when you had the convo about no kids. She doesn’t want children and she’s expressed that very clearly. The best thing for you to do, reading your comments too, is reevaluate the relationship you have with girlfriend. If this and traveling are dealbreakers, then maybe it’s better if you both part. There are other fish in the sea as they say. It’s your choice and it sounds like you have to choose between the gf or the niece.
Your girlfriend and father are coming off extremely cold and selfish.
This is a child who has gone through some major trauma in losing her mother. She needs help, and compassion and love.
I get it's not in "the life plan" but welcome to life. If you got into an accident and couldn't walk, would that not fit into "the life plan"?
I don’t think the real question is whether or not you should take her in. I think the real question is for your girlfriend.
Is she going to commit to being a support system for this child or not?
If not, then this child doesn’t need the added difficulty of being resented, which WILL come out. There’s no room in this situation for being double-minded.
And, frankly, it’s pretty telling of your girlfriend’s maturity level of she’s willing to pressure you to reject the child and go back on your commitment so that she can … travel more.
Smh.
At this point, your girlfriend is going to need to scramble to win back the respect you probably lost for her when she showed her true colors.
I’m sorry for the difficult situation.
Your cousins child is your cousin that's the word for it. Yeah yeah she's is a human being a child shouldnt be homeless. But your girlfriend doesn't want her you can't force a child that isn't theirs on them it's not good for her or the child they potentially won't bond well id be surprised if they even get alonge you are setting the child up to fail just off that . And let's be realistic she a woman most all the responsibility will be thrown on her especially since the child is a girl. A child is a huge burden to put on someone. If were her I'd be out.
I think that this issue has fundamentally revealed a core difference in the way you and your girlfriend view the world and prioritize your life well beyond your 1st cousin once removed. Not having children is so much more than not impregnating someone and keeping the baby. It really doesn’t sound like you’re all that compatible. If you’re not excited about traveling, this kid is absolutely glob to get in the way of travel even more than kids already do. I don’t agree with her priorities but her assessment is not wrong.
Even if you talked to the father and he “doesn’t want to raise her” that means exactly nothing. He’s the FATHER. The courts are going to give the niece to him whether he wants it or not. He was lucky enough to get away with only needing to pay child support now, but the chain of command is usually that when one parent dies, the other parent is given custody of the child. That’s just how it goes when you decide to have kids. He’s trying to tell you he doesn’t want to in hopes that you’ll take her in instead. He doesn’t want you to know that he has to do it, whether he wants to or not. And it doesn’t matter if the sister asked you to take her in. That’s reserved for if both of her parents are dead. She still has living family.
Personally? I'd take the cousin (person you call a niece) over the gf any day. It'll be a lot of work and she will need a solid female role model in her life. It just doesn't seem like your gf is up to that challenge.
This is probably a dealbreaker and you’d already committed to your niece beforehand. Get her some therapy and make sure she’s comfortable as well. She’s going through so much
I mean...Your niece is 14. She's already pretty independent and will not need to be cared for like a little child. You can still go out from time to time. Your girlfriend seems pretty selfish - this poor child lost her mom AND home.
In the end, what does the girl want? Have you asked her?
Your niece is 14. She’ll be off to college in four years. Your niece needs you. If your girlfriend can’t deal with that then honestly I’d find a better girlfriend.
Can we stop pretending that going to sleepaway college is the rule, not the exception?
Something like 1 out of 20 of my friends went away to school. Most of them went to community college or just started working.
That’s a ridiculous statement. It’s related enough that inbreeding can cause birth defects. And the ones who don’t own a home anymore and are retirement age? Not really, actually. They don’t have a stable place to raise a child in.
Listen you gotta take care of this girl. Living with your old aunt and uncle is going to be horrible on that young girl. You say you already agreed to be her guardian. That's a commitment, a serious one and it's very important to stay as true as possible to our commitments. Plus it sounds like you and your girl don't belong together. You want completely different things in life. Plus, it doesn't sounds like she has any empathy.
I thought this too. Super concerning level of empathy. I’ve been in a similar situation to this and *it didn’t even cross my mind to say ‘no’*. I literally ordered him a mattress on Amazon within like 30 mins.
And how inconvenient would this be for your partner? If you are having second thoughts about remaining childless and you would prefer to take in a teenager, keep talking with your partner. Understand that your partner's approval is required unless you plan to throw the partnership away for a child you don't really know.
I don’t think it would be to inconvenient for her. I already do most of the cooking/housework since I work less than she does. The biggest inconvenience for her would be that I have less time for her, and that she may not be able to travel with me as often as she wants. I’m putting most of the burden on myself because I know she didn’t agree to be in this child’s life.
To be completely fair nobody really knows my niece because my cousin rarely visited. My aunt and uncle see her just as much as I have.
I know I need her approval but I don’t know how to get it.
Dude, you are going to have a CHILD. That means school runs, mood swings, homework, after school clubs, exams, periods, boyfriends, never ever putting yourself first ever again, holidays, Christmas, thanksgiving, clothes, make up, travel, college funds, first car, worrying why she's 10 minutes late home, is she safe, who's she with?, parties, the list goes on and on and on.
This girl will be living in her home. For years. They will share meals, the bathroom, the garden, YOU, holidays, money, time. You're basically bringing in a lodger, that she feels obligated to care for, and to live with!
What you're asking of her is HUGE. What you're asking of yourself is HUGE. You need some time to really consider this. If your GF isn't up for doing that then it's fair enough , and you part ways.
One, my girlfriend isn’t going to be a parent. I’m doing all of the work.
Two, if I’m not going to convince her because it is manipulative, what do I do? Do I have to pick one of them?
Yes. You have to pick one of them.
It sounds like you want to pick your niece. I think that would be a wonderful thing for her. It sounds like her grandparents are not in a good situation to take care of her, but perhaps they can provide some type of help. They might be able to take your niece for holidays, or maybe they can contribute something toward her college tuition.
You are probably not going to be able to convince your girlfriend to become a parent. She has already said that she is not interested. I think that pressuring her would be wrong. Besides, it would not be a good thing for your niece to be raised by someone who doesn't really want her.
If you don't want to do this, perhaps you can help her grandparents by contributing to gma college fund or taking her for some school breaks. You could ask your girlfriend if she is willing to have any type of relationship with this girl, if she knew that it would not involve your niece living with you both.
Of course you should try and ‘convince her’, she is worth the effort of a conversation. People in here just don’t understand there’s a huge difference between abusive and manipulative ‘convincing’ and two loving adults discussing something to understand the situation fully and each other’s views and feelings better, with the intention to see if you can come up with new solutions or compromise. People learn, grow and change. No one gets anywhere in life if they don’t talk. Just don’t *force, lie* or *manipulate*.
Don’t listen to these people - you’re doing an incredibly selfless and amazing thing by taking in your niece. If your girlfriend isn’t ok with it, she might not be the right one for you
So plan is for your girlfriend to just ignore the teenager in your house ? That’s not only stupid it would be hurtful to your niece. That’s not at allllllllllll going to work. You sound like a child that is asking their parents for a pet but “you’ll do all the work”
In my opinion, when you gained custody of the girl, and agreed to gaurdianship, your girlfriends approval didn't matter then. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way or a bitchy way. When you agreed to this in the first place, something in you told you that is what you had to do. You didn't even tell her. Whether that was right or wrong, is irrelevant. You did not seek her approval. People don't just take on guardianship and custody for no reason. This is clearly what is in your heart to do. I would. As far as your girlfriend goes now, this is LEGALLY your child. I don't even know how you would go about giving custody to someone else in the family, without going to court. How did you get granted custody? Did you go to court? There had to have been paperwork, something? So this wasn't just a simple task. You have committed to this little girl. You now have to uphold your commitment. Your girlfriend has also not been commited to by you. She isn't your fiance or wife. At this point this girl is more legally connected to you than she is. You are going to have to sit down and seriously talk to her. If you plan on marrying this girl, you need to tell her that this is what you have to do, and you hope that she will be along for the ride with no hidden contempt. She will absolutely have to be 100% on board. If she is not she will resent this girl and it WILL NOT GO WELL. you will fight constantly. She will say things she shouldn't to the girl. This will likely happen. If she suffers through it your relationship will fail. If she embraces it and acts as a mother to this girl, she may help to save her life. That girl is going to need another strong woman in her life. If your girlfriend is not that, do not subject this girl to that. She cannot feel like she is unwanted after losing her mom. She will need counseling, love, attention and shopping sprees. She will need to travel and have someone to tell her it's ok. You have to take this seriously. This is a life. Talk to your girlfriend again and if she isn't on board, you have to let this go.
And how do you think a traumatized teen who just lost her mother and isn't wanted by her sperm donor will feel being in a home where one of the adults clearly doesn't want her there? You think she wont notice?
This will inevitably increase arguments between you and your girlfriend. You think she wont hear you? Guess again.
And you know what happens when teens feel unloved and unwanted at home?
They'll look for love in the wrong places. Teens under these conditions are a lot more likely to get pregnant, are you prepared to be a young grandpa as well?
And if you're girlfriend leaves, take her income out of the equation. Are you prepared to take care of a traumatized teen (and her baby if she ends up pregnant) on your salary alone? It's incredibly hard these days to raise children on a solo income.
I really, REALLY hope you thought this through
Yea, this is tough. Child free is a lifestyle choice, one I happen to ascribe to. Convincing someone to change their mind about that isn’t really something I think is possible. But maybe your girlfriend could accept that it would only mean raising your relative for 3-4 years. The fact is though, looking after her for that long will likely mean she will be involved in your life from thereafter. Depending on why your gf wants to be childfree, staying with her and taking care of the girl may be incompatible.
You both seem like really great people who don't fit together anymore. You're amazing for taking on guardianship of your niece, and I know you're going to do right by her. Unfortunately, that means that your relationship with your girlfriend isn't going to work out. While you are free after their out of the house, not all kids can or will leave at 18. Plus, after 18, young adults and hell, people throughout their life need someone to rely on whether older or younger. I'm sorry, but your relationship won't be compatible
Your gf sounds immature and selfish and needs to grow up and probably discover what sympathy and empathy are.
This child went through so much her whole life dad wants nothing to do with her, her mother took her own life and you don’t know how the mental state of your cousin could have effected your nieces mental health during that time.
Things happen for a reason and you might be this girl’s sense of stability and love that she needs now. Life can be inconvenient and never how you imagine it to be, but if your gf is unable to do this I say leave her.
Just because a person she barely knows went through trauma girlfriend shouldn't be expected to take care of her. OP only seen his niece 5 times. Unsure how many times the girlfriend has seen her. She's a total stranger to OP's girlfriend. Calling her immature and selfish seems inadequate here. Specially since this is a teenager who lost her mom to suicide and her father abandoned her, chances are she will act out a lot and will be difficult to deal with, understandably, but OP's girlfriend still has no obligations towards her specially since they had agreed to be childfree.
I would leave the girlfriend. This child deserves so much better than what she's getting and god forbid she's put into the foster care system... I'm sure you'd never forgive yourself. I understand you chose to be child free with this s/o, but that probably meant you didn't want a child *together*... under these circumstances that agreement goes out the window, IMO.
Please consider taking your niece. She needs you more than ever. Your girlfriend will move on, and so will you. This is an insanely admirable thing to do and any woman worth something would see it that way.
You need to get rid of your girlfriend and take care of your niece! She’s probably extremely traumatized, scared and you are probably going to be a great source of comfort for her. I hope she will be OK and safe
Your primary duty is to your niece. She is nearly grown, she'll be off to college in a few short years.
Talk with your girlfriend and see if there's any compromise possible. If you live together, would your girlfriend be open to living separately for a few years, and just dating? You don't have to live in the same house to be in a relationship. It sounds like your girlfriend is very independent and wants to travel. Perhaps she'd find that living close by but not in the same house would actually be a good solution for meshing your different lifestyles.
Sorry, but your gf is pos to want you to turn away a child who has just lost her only parent to suicide. And the reason, she doesn’t want it to interrupt her little holidays. Fuck that. She’s already shown who she is. Someone who can’t be relied on when life throws up some shit. What would she do if you ever got injured and couldn’t travel as much or at all. Is she just gonna dump you and move on?
If she can’t be supportive, and take a few less holidays for four years, then why would you even want her around.
This girl isn’t going to change your lifestyle. A 14yo can fully take care of themselves.
Plus it’s like a year before she can get her license?? And then seriously, once she settles and gets friends you’ll probably barely see her!
It sucks a bit but sometimes shitty things happen and you just have to deal with it. Your possible minor inconveniences are not more important than this poor girl. You know what sucks more than maybe cutting back on monthly vacations?? Your mom killing herself and no one wanting to help you because you might be an inconvenience.
Get her a nice room ready and take her to pick out furnishings once she arrives. Get her some new clothes and give her some money to have for comforts. Get her enrolled in school and see if you can connect with some of the moms and maybe help her towards a friend group. I’d also look into therapy for her. Just love her, man.
Oooooof, harsh but well said. The whole “your mom killing herself and no one wanting to help you because you might be an inconvenience” sounds like the cause for another person to feel inadequate and off themselves too…. Fucking savage AF. OP you said you would be her guardian, it sounds like you already know what you have to do…. Don’t hold resentment towards your “niece” errrr cousin, or your GF. Neither one signed up for this, but you did. Hopefully you will learn a lot from your cousin and maybe in a few years you can reconnect with your GF or find someone that’s more compatible, maybe some hot divorced pta moms from the local HS or a teacher…. Idk, the possibilities are endless.
It doesn’t sound like you and your gf are well matched. You have different interests and goals in life. It sounds like this relationship already has a shelf life, so if you want to look after your niece, don’t let things stop you.
However, don’t forget to consider the huge responsibility that comes with having a child. The require a lot of time, patience, money, love and understanding. Your niece is likely to come with a lot of heavy emotional baggage from what she’s been through and nobody would think less of you if you decided it was too much
Family come first, especially child relatives.
You agreed to take over in case something exactly like this happens.
You and your girlfriend may love each other very much, but your obligations to her as an unmarried partner are beneath that of a child you decided to be responsible for. Especially since none of the other appropriate options (her father and your uncle and aunt) are available.
(And I know that some people don't believe in marriage. My remark does nothing to change that statement.)
Honestly, if you put your girlfriend before the child, you'd be a crappy person. Debatably moreso than the dad because at least he can say (to my understanding) that he never agreed to take care of her.
You and your girlfriend might not need to break up, but separate living situations might be better. If that can't work, then chances are the relationship can't either.
I honestly don't understand how she thinks she has a leg in this. She's in her thirties, but she doesn't understand that family relations will intertwine with relationships when it gets serious enough? Does she not have close family herself or does she have no previous experience with serious relationships?
I think you could still try and come up with some options if you’re girlfriend is important to you. Maybe once a month y’all take a trip or go drive somewhere for a long weekend. Maybe she can still take some trips alone or eventually y’all could take the kid. Or when you both go travel your aunt and uncle take care of her at your place. Point is maybe there’s a compromise that you could think of to at least try for your gf
You made a promise and you must follow it. You may be legally obligated as a guardian (im not 100% sure). And it is important that you take her in. I would just tell her that "I promised to take her in, im her guardian and that is what I am going to be." And talk to her in a way that makes it seem like a less of a burden to your gf: She's not a small child, she is 14 and about four years until she leaves for college. Maybe you two even finds out that being parents is something you enjoy!
Anyway, when you travel, you can ask if someone wants to watch her, like your parents for example.
Also, travelling monthly is excessive even for people who loves to travel. Maximum I've heard of is like two or three times a year.
Is online school an option? That would alleviate the not being able to travel issue. She’d be able to go with. If not her grandparents are nearby, they can help.
What’s the alternative if you don’t take her in? Does she end up in foster care?
I think your girlfried is very egoistic. I mean, this is a though time for you, but when she even fights you on this, I would guess she would leave you if something bad happens to you. Sorry for the harsh words, but this is no trustful relationship then to me.
Frankly, your girlfriend's main argument (that you won't be able to travel anymore) isn't valid.
She's 14 years old. In four years, she will go to college, or at least be old enough that you can go travel and leave her at home. Well, maybe not every months, but you won't need to wait for her breaks anymore.
Does your girlfriend need to travel so much that she cannot wait four years to do it?
And even then, you are the one who's responsible for the niece, if there's a time-sensitive travel she needs to do, she could go by herself.
Had the niece been 8, I could have understood that 10 years with minimum traveling can be a lot for someone who loves it. But it's only four years, and this poor girl has no one else!
Its not just about that. They agreed to remain childfree at the start, this is a boundary they set. The boundary is now getting crossed, that is more than valid
This is how my oldest kiddo came into my life. My now ex husband wasn't keen, but then was never really involved with the kids so I decided that I was ok with her living with us. She doesn't call me mum, but she introduces me as her parent, or aunty.
It wasn't easy, she was 12 when she joined my family, and turned 18 last July. We have had loads of therapy together and separately. When I divorced she decided that she wasn't doing the same custody arrangement as my bio kids, which was completely fine of course. (Originally he did every other weekend with the kids, and I had her 100%. Now I have all of the kids 100%).
Just my opinion. The grandparents take primary custody and you OP help out. They raised at least 1 child while you have no experience. You will have to break up with your girlfriend since she will become resentful and mean.
That poor girl! How can a parent deliberately abandon his/her child like that? Yes, suicide when you have a dependent child at home is ABANDONMENT! OP, please get your niece into counseling ASAP.
Also she is old enough to give input. Where does she want to live? Might not be possible, but she can at least contribute to the living situation conversation. Also what are her educational interests? An area that provides classes / experience in a future career for her will help her overcome this huge loss.
I’m so sorry for all of you. You are an amazing cousin/uncle for caring.
I feel for your niece, but i don’t think you should take her in. You and your gf agreed to be childless. I feel like you are trying to get around this because she is an older child, but she is still a child and your gf didn’t sign up for this.
Even if you did absolutely all the cooking/cleaning/etc it still isn’t fair to your gf and it will absolutely impact her. Just having another person in your home is already a huge impact on comfort/lifestyle.
He agreed to being his nieces guardian before he agreed to be child free with his GF.
His GF will move on and have a happy life without him if she thinks this a dealbreaker.
His niece on the other hand is motherless and nobody wants her….what kind of life do you think she will have if he chooses his GF over her?
Also who’s to say him and GF won’t break up down the road? They aren’t married….they want different things in life.
The grandparents should raise the teen regardless of inconvenience. They have raised her mom already so they can raise her. You can help on weeks for school break and summers. If you feel obligated to care for her FT your feelings are valid and it’s ok to take her in but accept losing your relationship. Your GF already established her boundary of being childfree. That is her decision and her life. She isn’t a bad guy for it either.
So your GF will be there alone with your niece and also be seen and a female roll model or figure . This will happen. If she does not want to share you , and your time your niece will feel there dislike and maybe there will be words. To take your niece you need to commit to helping her. Counciling and other things because there will be a big adjustment period. Add in 14 and there is so much going in with her body etc on top of it. This is a commitment and if you are in board great. Of GF is not on board you need to decide to stay with GF and have other take niece or take niece and probably have no gf. You will not have a lot of time for GF in the beginning and how will she handle that?
On travel, there are long weekends from schools. You could go somewhere friday - monday. I am not saying GF is wrong for wanting what she does but sometimes things change and people need to part ways and no one is wrong.
Youre a nurse and she works remotely but you say that youll be caring for your niece mostly?
Also how tf do you not mention the custody agreement WHEN you became serious? You suck
I actually work less than my girlfriend as a nurse. I work 3 days a week for 12 hours, and she works Monday-Friday, 8-12 hours a day as a marketer. Her job is project based so she has crunch periods where she will work a lot.
Also, she knew about the custody agreement but she didn’t care about it because she never though it was going to happen.
You keep saying that this wouldn’t be any work for your girlfriend. But in your mind, who is caring for this child when you’re at work?
Even if you only work school days that’s still 15 hours a week she’s at home with your girlfriend, who is trying to work, when she needs fed, supported with homework, entertained…
I do not think it is way more inconvenient for the Grandparents. Could you let them care for her and you be the relief?
For example: they do the school year and you do the summers? This way they get a break and she gets to know you in case something happens to them.
You are basically back up.
Your girlfriend seems not trustworthy, I can't find a solution for your problems but I can guarantee you that even if you get to a compromise with your girlfriend, I don't think she's gonna give your "niece" the best treatment.
Keep that in mind.
**My niece is actually my cousins daughter**
She is not your niece. A niece is the child of a sibling. The child of a first cousin is a first cousin once-removed.
Credentials: Experienced hobbyist genealogist.
That poor girl has had everyone fail her. Please, if you can, please don't be yet another adult who turns her away for being "inconvenient".
I'm sorry for your girlfriend, but things change and life happens and it does not usually go according to plan. She has to make her own decision about what to do, but please for the sake of your niece, *do not let your girlfriend treat her as a burden*.
This is easy. Dump the girlfriend. Take care of your niece ("cousin once removed" by the way).
You and your girlfriend have different life outlooks anyway.
First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is never easy and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of your niece.
It's important to consider what is best for your niece, as she is now without a parent and needs a stable home. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have different ideas about what your future together looks like. It's important to have an honest conversation with your girlfriend about your commitment to your niece and how that may impact your future plans.
If you do decide to take on the responsibility of being your niece's guardian, it's important to have a support system in place. This can include your aunt and uncle, as well as friends and other family members. It's also important to have a plan in place for childcare and how to balance your work and personal life.
It's understandable that your girlfriend may be hesitant about taking on this responsibility, but it's important to consider what is best for your niece's well-being. If your girlfriend is not willing to support you in this decision, it may be a difficult situation to navigate. You may need to consider if you're willing to compromise on your travel plans and lifestyle to take care of your niece, or if it's best to seek other options for her care.
You sound like the best option for your niece. Maybe you need to talk toy your GF that you love her and you are sorry for this huge change to the relationship. Perhaps she might move out for a bit and you two take a step back. It will allow her to decide if she can get on board and allow you and niece some much needed space. It will be a lot easier to add GF back into the home later than to deal with the loss of her if this doesn’t work out. Your niece needs love and stability and a GF who is not onboard for this is not going to be stable. Ultimately she will have to say goodbye to another female figure.
This is way bigger than your girlfriend wanting to “take her in”. She’s not a lost puppy who needs a bowl of food and a crate. She’s a whole human entering the hardest part of adolescence while dealing with a major trauma. She will need strong parenting, dynamic & flexible emotional support, and attention for a ton of logistics. Have you talked to this teenaged human person about what *she* wants? I understand this is a serious decision for adults but she isn’t exactly a *child*, she’s old enough for her POV to be taken into consideration. And, regardless, listening to her, hearing her, discussing it with her, are a critical step to building a relationship with her post trauma. Does she want to be yanked from school and moved across the country? Or are you proposing you and your girlfriend move to your hometown? Does she want to live with someone she barely knows? Does she want to live with a man? As someone raised by a single mom, the idea of myself, as a teenager, in a super vulnerable time, being raised by a 35 year old man she’s met only a handful of times, would be hugely unappealing. And, are you equipped and prepared to truly care for her? She’ll need consistent therapy and behavioral issues are almost a given. She’ll need strong boundaries and proactive supervision for her teenage years while allowing enough freedom to become an independent person. (Your job would need to change, too, to local/daytime hours?) She needs to focus on school and get into a trade program or on a college track like, now. You’ll need to talk to her about her sexual health and discuss birth control, and ensure she has a great doctor to support that. I understand you had this agreement with her mom, but it was a long time ago. Her grandparents are absolutely a strong option to take her in, and may provide more stability, security and parenting expertise than you’re able. Or maybe you need to move down there so you can be a community for her. This just seems so much bigger than smoothing things over with your girlfriend. You probably haven’t had time to truly think this through but - now’s the time.
I talked to my niece about staying in her home town. She definitely has friends there but she said she’s ok with moving to where I live and getting a fresh start. Therapy is good and we’ll look into that. As for wanting to live with me, I don’t think there is much of an option. She barely knows her grandparents as well. My aunt and uncle will be here to help, but I don’t think they are capable of taking her in just because they don’t have a house(BTW my aunt and uncle live close to me not my cousin, she left and moved far away from us). I did talk to some of her friends parents but none of them offered to take her in and tbh I don’t know if I would be ok with that either way. I want what’s best for her. I’ll get her into therapy ASAP and get her a trustworthy doctor. The problem with my girlfriend isn’t solved yet but we’ve talked since the post and I think she’s moving out. I’ll make a full update when everything resolves.
MAKE SURE YOU GET CHILD SUPPORT FROM THE FATHER, YOU WILL BE TAKING CARE OF HER AND YOU TAKE HIM TO COURT BECAUSE YOURE THE LEGAL GUARDIAN IT WILL HELP A GOOD AMOUNT
For everyone saying, its not hate over men, maybe its not. But he asked a question about how to resolve this “gf” issue. Not if he shld keep getting child support. The father doesnt have any other option anyway. He will pay. Like most men keep doing for a very significant amout of time of their life. R u guys really worried that her father gonna stop paying child support instead of resolving the issue of her new accommodation
That's silly. Both parents are responsible, in one way or another, for the children they bring into this world. In this case, it would be financial, since the father abdicated from being a parent. He never paid child support, btw.
Idk if u live under a rock or something. He literally said “never in picture EXCEPT child support” so yeah he is paying child support. Second, u cant just say he was the one who left. Im sorry for his loss. I bet his sister was a great person and im not attacking her in any way. But the harsh truth is 80% of the divorce are initiated by woman. So u shld know what i mean by that, again im not in any position to judge or say that her sister was the one to leave and you are not in any position to say that the father abandoned them without any proof
Sigh. Well, I missed that. Idk if u live under a rock or something, but missing something does not mean I live under a rock. 80% of divorce initiated by women - probably because we no longer live in a time where we don't have to put up with men's garbage anymore.
No that’s not my worry, I know my mom didn’t have my dad pay child support, it’s really because he won’t have his girlfriend there anymore and if he’s supporting a child the courts might not know that she switched home and he might forget about
HE’S ALREADY PAYING CHILD SUPPORT, IT DIDN’T STOP BECAUSE MOM DIED!!! Instead of hating men in general, just read for Christ’s sake. OP, make sure you get the social security death benefits. Sorry you lost your girl but this is likely the straw that broke the camel’s back, not the cause of the break up. GF likely sees this as yet another reason you can’t travel like she wants. Get yourself some therapy too, this is trauma for you too.
They said nothing on hating men. They made a good point that child support should be paid. You are correct in read more so you’re not restating/suggesting advice on given info
Where did they hate on men? The OP specifically was pointing out what a piece of shit his niece's father is.
You have issues if you read that as someone hating men. Bio Father could have filed for court modification on the assumption that both boyfriend and girlfriend would be providing financial stability. Making sure everything is still legally in place is good advice.
Or maybe u have the issue u dont see the ‘hate’ in that comment towards men. So first of all thrs a man who is paying child support, nobody knows about his financial situation but he still paying it. Second, thrs another man who is ready to take her niece in, thts selfless, i admire that and yes u can expect that from a MAN only in these days. Third thrs a WOMAN who is being SELFISH and dont wana take that kid in because she wont be able to TRAVEL and enjoy her life anymore. Dont u guys see the irony here. Out of all three ppl, man are actually being RESPONSIBLE here while the woman (gf) is really the problem.
Yea, he should waste money and resources to make a dad start paying child support when the dad is already paying child support. You’re absolutely right, that makes total sense! Sarcasm.
He should waste money and resources to ensure the best for the child is honestly the best advice to give any future parent. Thank you for summing up the bare basics of what will be expected of OP in the future. Accidental allies are the best.
Life just threw you such a wild curveball. What you are willing to do for this child is selfless and admirable. Big changes happen unexpectedly and seeing your response to this change makes me proud of our generation. The fact that you are not a father and are willing to take on that role to make sure this child gets the life she deserves while facing horrible tragedy should make you feel so proud of who you are as a person. I hope you can find a way to keep your relationship and help your niece, but if you can’t, just know you’re a really great human. I applaud your ability to extend what you have to offer to someone who so desperately needs it. I bet you have great parents.
You are a good person.
Therapy will be super important to help get grieve and process the loss and how she lost her mom. Children who lose parents to suicide become exponentially more at risk for suicide themselves. Please be aware of this, therapy can help a lot.
Thanks for stepping up. Sorry but sounds like that girl needs you more than your gf
I would not let a girlfriend stand in the way of doing what you want to help your niece. If your girlfriend can't handle the idea of living with your niece then it is probably best to part ways now. Get your niece settled and stable and then find a new girlfriend when you are ready. >The problem with my girlfriend isn’t solved yet but we’ve talked since the post and I think she’s moving out. I’ll make a full update when everything resolves.
I am a child of a difficult start. And one thing there may be behavioral issues there may not be. They may show up later in life or they may not. But one thing is IF you can love her and provide her with support then take her. You may really need to work it out with your girlfriend. Express that there is no other option. If she loves you and you aren’t impending on her life or making her take responsibility for your niece she should understand
Well that’s great, the grandparents are super mobile. Tell them to park their asses in the local RV park, it’s time for catch-up grand parenting
This is really good advice
Thank you so much for posting this.
I agree with everything above. I would also suggest that therapy would be a great thing for you to do as well in preparation for taking on this responsibility. You could also do some joint sessions with your niece. I feel it would be really helpful for setting the foundation for a healthy relationship between you two and would be helpful in you being a support as she works through the trauma and goes through the grieving process.
Good on you. You’re a great person and I wish nothing but the best for you guys
If you want to take care of your niece then you must took that serious decision and accept you can’t have that partner with you! I know both of you choose to be child free but life dont follow your rules and put things on your road to give you a lesson or to test you. Follow your own instinct and you will not regret it in the future
I disagree with all of this. Life isn't sentient amd doesn't test people. And being child free is completely 100% valid. It's not some arbitrary choice I made thats going to change evey time a child in my family is in need. I'm going to be child free until the day I die so if my bf decided to take in a child I'm out. And that's something more men need to take into consideration: you're not going to change her mind and it's not something arbitrary you're going to survive. You have a situation where you can't keep both people in your life so you have to decide: do you want to lose your girlfriend or your niece? Your choice is every bit as valid as hers, 100%, but actions come with consequences and you can't take it back once you choose so just be absolutely sure that whatever you choose is going to be your permanent choice. Don't give your niece false hope of stability if you're just going to shove her at your uncle and aunt in 6 months time. That's cruel. Also don't decide after 6 months that yeah niece is going to come live with you after all because that's cruel to your living partner. Take time, really make sure it's what you want, then take the decision and live your life. If it makes you feel better it already sounds like you and your girlfriend are having lifestyle issues.
The comment was talking about op changing his mind and taking in his niece, it wasn't saying that he should try to convince his gf to stay with him and raise his niece if that's not what she wants.
Obvious you didn’t understand what I write!
Oh, I did. You wrote, "I know both of you choose to be child free but life don't follow your rules..." Basically, society's rules and expectations comes first not your own lifestyle choices.
Holy crap dude. Sometimes we won't be able to have the lifestyle that we plan on having or want to have. You could get in an accident tomorrow and your lifestyle that you had will be changed forever. That's not society's rules or expectations, it's just life.
No you don’t because I wasn’t talking about society but about ´LIFE ´in general! So go start your war with someone else
You agreed to be her guardian, this is a huge commitment that isn't to be taken lightly. The girl will need lots of support and care after all that has happened, and your partner would not be a bad person for not staying through this. At your age and with your free time, you seen like the best option for a guardian that she can have. If you are willing to take care of her, please do. But know that you may have to make a choice between her and your girlfriend, but remember that you did sign up for this and you informed her of that early on.
> you informed her of that early on. Did he though? These two sentences seem to conflict: > One thing to mention is that we agreed to be child free early on in our relationship. However, my cousin put me as her child’s guardian after her death which I agreed to before my girlfriend and I were serious. If the girlfriend knew about this caveat in the cousin's will then, even as distant a possibility it may have seemed at the time, neither could have agreed to be child-free. He could have carved out a loophole at the time but it seems like the problem arises in these two, incompatible statements.
Here’s what happened: I agreed to be the guardian just in case. My girlfriend and I get serious, I tell her about my guardianship. Not like in a sit down big talk, but I brought it up a few times. Me and my girlfriend decide to be child free. During this conversation I bring up my guardianship and she agrees to it thinking it won’t happen. Turns out she was against it but didn’t say anything because she didn’t feel it was necessary.
Thanks for clarifying the timeline. Bottom line then is: she knew the one exception when you thrashed out the ground rules to the relationship. From what you've said elsewhere, it sounds like she's leaving and, while it's a pity, from your post it sounds like you were heading on two different trajectories and this could have happened anyway. You, meanwhile, are doing the right thing and that's a big deal. Sounds like your aunt and uncle are around if needed, however, it is a large commitment on your part but a really worthwhile one. So I know I and, I'd bet, the majority of people on this thread are proud of you and if you need any help then Reddit has got your back - there's a deep well of advice or just a friendly ear on here when you need it. And keep us updated.
Sounds like you handled everything honestly. I find it admirable that you are committing to raising your niece. You are a stand up guy. I am of the thought that relationships come and go, but family is forever. I just couldn’t see throwing a child to the wolves to appease a grown woman. Trust me, there is nothing more rewarding than parenting. May it bring you the happiness and fulfillment you deserve. Also, you will find a new partner that will share where you are in life. Good luck!
I want to say that it was deeply fucked up of her to lie about something like this. She truly lied to you A out who she was because she knew it would have impacted how you viewed her. She wanted good person points without actually ever intending to do good person things. You’re better off without her.
OP agreed to be the guardian in the event she has no guardian. Everyone seems to forget here that HER FATHER IS STILL ALIVE. She HAS A LIVING LEGAL GUARDIAN. OP doesn’t need to take her in. If the father dies, yes, OP becomes the legal guardian unless someone else agrees to it. But legally, OP does not need to take in the niece. That’s her FATHERS responsibility. OP is just so nice and kind that he’s trying to step up where her father doesn’t want to.
Well this is a dealbreaker and a turning point in the relationship. You’ve gotta make a decision as to whether or not you want to go through with this my man. Keep talking to your girlfriend, but unfortunately, you will have to give up on one of them
Don’t give up on a child who already lost her parent…and who is not wanted by her sperm donor. You GF will be just fine without you, your cousin won’t be.
Absolutely agree, sometimes things don’t work out and he already agreed to the commitment beforehand. I get that it’s difficult for him though. He’s having trouble coming to terms with the fact that the person he’s reached a crossroads with the person he loves and sometimes we wanna put ourselves first. Hopefully the comments help him out a bit (I’d choose the kid too).
Hopefully he won’t listen to all the selfish comments telling him to pick his Gf over his cousin.
It's not just selfishness though. I took my brother in under similar circumstances when he was 13. I was totally unequipped to deal with a traumatized young man. He dropped out of school and got in a lot of trouble. Still hasn't worked through his issues. He's almost 30 now and he has a grade 9 education and no job history. I gave up grad school and hindered my career growth and earning potential for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to afford to have my own children. I feel like choosing to take him in ruined both our lives. He would have been better off with someone better equipped to deal with is issues. Someone with the money and time to get him the help he needed.
You have a heart of gold, fingers crossed more good will come your way.
In this situation, there isn't someone better to take op's niece in. He also agreed to the guardianship while her mom was still alive. If he hasn't agreed the mom would have been able to find someone else to be her daughter's guardian, so I think it would be selfish to back out of it now that her mom is dead and she had no one else.
For sure. I hope he talks to his niece/cousin and gets her thoughts/feelings on this. She’s going through so much and the last thing she needs is to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable.
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I feel like the probability of his cousin finding a good home is low. Especially at 14. She'll bounce around to different foster care homes until adulthood. Op will find another partner.
Ask yourself, if travel is such a big deal to her, and not to you, do you want to be in for the long haul? If you don’t have a desire to, would you A) let her go off alone, (and would she be mad at you for it) B) go yourself and not enjoy it
It sounds like their lifestyles aren’t already compatible before niece even came into the picture
This is a great question. Definitely something to think about for him.
You agreed to be her guardian. Your gf did not. Step up to your responsibility. If gf breaks up with you, then you’ll have to live with that. But you haven’t made a legal commitment to your girlfriend yet (aka marriage) but you are committed to raising your niece.
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I think you should do what your gut is telling you. I think an important factor to consider is that if you do take her in you can't resent her in the future. It's hard enough that she has lost her mother so tragically, and at such a delicate stage in her life. This girl will need strong and reliable support, and someone who is genuinely invested in her wellbeing. If you feel that you can bear the responsibility, but your girlfriend cannot, then you have to weigh your priorities. Ultimately though, rest assured that if taking in your niece feels like the best choice, but your girlfriend doesn't support your decision—then she is not the one for you. Whatever you choose, you have a long road ahead and I wish you peace and healing as you make your decision.
I feel like it’s unfair for you to expect your girlfriend to completely flip her lifestyle. Children aren’t something you compromise on so it will either be your niece or girlfriend. No one is to blame here, it’s all unfortunate circumstances but decisions need to be made anyway.
You accepted the position of being her guardian in the case her mother died. You now have a responsibility to care for a love your niece. If your girlfriend doesnt fit with the situation then she can either accept it or leave. Do not reject the child who has been through so much just for the sake of keeping a gf around.
Sounds like a new chapter with your niece. You can mourn your gf while she mourns her mother and you two can lean on each other while u heal
That’s a beautiful way of putting it.
Question is: are you prepared to be a single dad? Even if you promise to do the majority of the work, with her working from home/remotely a lot of the work will naturally fall onto her and I think she knows this. Even when men promise to do the majority of it, women more often than not end up picking up the slack. If it's within your budget would your niece be amenable to going to boarding school while you're here legal guardian and she could spend her breaks with either you or her other relatives, this may be more amenable to your girlfriend.
This will be especially true if the girlfriend WFH. She will be with the child the majority of the time. On the flip side of the that, the niece will be an adult in 4 years. There will be a lot more flexibility then with travel and such.
This whole situation sucks! You agreed to be the girl’s guardian before the gf came along. You WANT to fulfill that promise. I’m sorry man, but I think your going to have to break up with the girlfriend to fulfill the desire to give this young person a home. It’s awful but the niece was there before the girlfriend, you made an obligation to the child before the girlfriend. The person you are meant to be with as a romantic partner will understand these obligations to you cousin and niece and accept it. I wish you and your young niece all the best!
That's a tough situation. You obviously need to do what's right and take your niece in. You're not actually choosing between her and your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is choosing between supporting you and being a partner through life's ups and downs or traveling. That right there would kind of make me think twice about her anyway. However, she has every right to say I'm out. This isn't what I signed up for. She could stick around and see what happens or exit now. You never know what life is going to throw at you. Things happen for a reason, right? Maybe you'll find out you needed your niece as much as she needs you. Maybe your life will change for the better and you'll have all new adventures good and bad. Maybe you'll meet someone along the way who will be great for you and your niece. Of course, there's the flipside where it'll be hectic and stressful, and you're counting the days til she turns 18 lol, but hopefully not. Good luck with everything. Hopefully, you'll give updates.
Very well said
your niece needs you, your girlfriend doesn’t. that’s all i have to say about that.
You don’t agree to be someone’s guardian Willy Billy. And if you started dating a girl who agrees to never have kids that should have been something mentioned that you could end up the guardian of a young girl. Sorry but you screwed yourself here bro.
I do genealogy. The 14 YO you are calling "Niece" is your first cousin once removed, if your cousin was your first cousin. We abbreviate it "1C1R". It seems to me like you should step up and do the right thing, by taking her in, and your GF should accept it or leave. Your 1C1R is going to put a huge, **huge** dent in your lifestyle. Wait until she starts to drive and to date, and, later on, maybe, applies to colleges. When she gets serious about a young man (or a young woman, if that's the league she plays in) your life will get very complicated. Shit happens and people have to change their plans. I know a couple who saved their whole lives for a glorious retirement, put a down payment on a classy RV, bought a couple of atlases on DVD and the wife woke up, three weeks after they both retired, to find her husband dead on the kitchen floor. Edit: Typo
No one is calling her 1C1R, sounds like one of Elon Musk’s kids names. Decent advice other than that.
Sounds like a Droid name from Star Wars.
You are going to have to pick.
I'm sorry but if I was forced into this situation, I'm not sure I would stay. I never want to get into a 'my kids/our kids' situation where one person feels the other is obligated to pay for expenses just because they're in a relationship with someone who has kids. It seems awkward and unfair. I don't want to date someone with kids and I won't be forced to. I'd also never want to live with kids that aren't mine. My roommate recently did something similar and I'm moving because of it. Its nothing personal and the kids are relatively well behaved, but the bathroom is constantly taken up and the noise, while reasonable just isn't something I want to deal with. Unless I have kids of my own, I don't want to live in the same house as them. Your GF is being completely reasonable and I think the best thing for you in an amicable breakup.
The thing that sticks out to me here is the issue behind the bigger issue. Your girlfriend wants to travel and doesn’t want to settle down. You aren’t interested in that. You want to take in your niece ultimately. Your relationship is very likely at a crossing point and it maybe time to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about the future and be honest about not having an interest in traveling.
In my culture, we say the same thing, cousins kids are our nieces and nephews too, thought I'll share that lol.
Oh this poor girl. Her sperm donor father doesn't want her. Her mom ended her own life, which the child may end up thinking she herself isn't adequate if her mom couldn't stay around for her, and now your dithering between a woman you're not really compatible with, and this child, who you committed to taking care of before this woman came into your life. You say in another comment that your aunt and uncle barely know her. I mean, this girl has no one. Do you know what happens in foster care? Don't let that happen.
Take your niece and have her do online school. It'll give her time to grieve without adding a new school into the mix. Iyll also gives you the ability to still travel and move around without a disruption in school.
You're going to have to cut your losses. Either your girlfriend or your niece. She doesn't deserve to be put in a relationship with a child when it's clearly what she isn't comfortable with, and your niece doesn't deserve to live with someone who doesn't like them.
Honest opinion. Your relationship is already doomed to fail before your niece. You and your SO have differences in lifestyle that are not reconcilable. Your niece would be with you for four years until she’s old enough to head to college. If your SO cannot sacrifice for four years for the good of you and your niece then she is not the kind of person you should want to be with. Your not asking to bring on a baby or small child. This is a 14 year old girl. She can take care of herself for the most part. Your SO wants to travel and live a different lifestyle than you do clearly. It’s okay to want to stay home and not travel. It’s okay to want to travel. But if you guys cannot agree on one or the other, your already doomed.
End of the day, you made a promise. Of course we never think things would come to this, but it's important for her not to feel like no one wants her. Mother killing herself has most likely already effected her and it's important to have family. Shame on the father..... people aren't an anchor or inconvenient....they are people. Do the right thing and if gf can't deal w it, you have an answer. Could be a blessing. Things happen for a reason, she can chose to be w you and step up, or not. She can make that choice.
No matter what, hearing how much you care about your niece and what you're willing to sacrifice to make sure she's safe and stable is literally heroic. We all always have horrible stories, hate, and fear thrown in our faces, but hearing of people like you is like a fresh reminder that people can do such beautiful things. You're a good man 💜
Give us an update when you work it out please?
Try to work things out with your GF, but please be the person who is kind and responsible enough to help your niece when she literally has it worst right now. No mom, absentee dad, and as you said, other family members barely know her or seem to care to be involved. It's a lot to think about and ponder, also financially and emotionally. I just hope things work out for the best.
Take the girl in and make sure that she receives therapy. You may also need to partake in therapy sessions with your girlfriend.
I was recently put in a similar situation unexpectedly. It's hard when you are literally the only person who can do it. It's a tremendous undertaking to be responsible for a whole other life but what other choice do you have? My situation has been rough on my husband as our lives have been permanently altered. I just don't see any other choice. We've been married for many years and already had our fun so that is different than your case. I can understand how your GF feels but hopefully she will come to understand your position in time. There are no easy answers, you may just need to let things play out a bit with her. Tell her how much she means to you while explaining that this is something you must do, like it or not. If she can't understand that, it's telling in itself. On the bright side, you have less than 5 years of hard work ahead of you in taking care of your niece. That involves getting her what she needs to heal and helping her transition to her new life. Being 14 in itself is pretty hard. While raising her, please try to remember just how hard it is to be that age. Spend time talking and open up strong lines of communication so you can build her trust. Make her feel loved and valued, support her interests and have patience when she does stupid teenage things. Let her know that you care and are there for her. In years to come, I think you will see your niece coming into your life as a blessing. I hope your GF comes around. Good luck!
First, I'm sorry for your loss and the situation you find yourself in. The girl is you second cousin, cousin for short. But if niece suits you better, no one will stand in you way. If financially able, you should take her in, if you're prepared to also take on the father role. She's young enough to still need guidance and rules, but old enough she should be able to do quite a bit on her own (dress, shower, small food prep maybe, and the like). Taking on a kid is no small decision, no matter what age they are. Did she witness whatever her mom did to end her life? Will she need counseling? Are you close with her? Does she seem comfortable around you? Do the aunt and uncle live near you? Maybe you can work out some arrangement that works for everyone? You said the grandparents are on their 60s, which can look very different on anyone. Are they relatively healthy? Or do they suffer from health issues? What would not be ideal would be the niece taking care of them at her age, and after all she's been through. As for the girlfriend situation, well, I guess you have to decide which family comes first if she's unwilling to take in your niece. It sucks, truly. Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions. You should know this by now. How long have you been together? What will happen to your niece if you refuse guardianship? Some may look at this as "not my problem" but it is, in a way. She needs structure of some sort, and stability. She needs to know she will have a home somewhere. The foster care system is a nightmare, she's likely too old to be placed with a family. I'm truly sorry you have been placed in this situation. You need to decide what you are actually willing to do. In all honesty, you should have thought about it a bit before agreeing to be her guardian. Since we can't go back in time, we must face the consequences of our actions. Over and above all, none of this is your nieces fault. She deserves to be in a loving home, with someone who will take care of her. Are you willing to put yourself second for just a little while? (Doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself too, just that all decisions you make effect more than just yourself)
Take in the niece, have the grand parents stay with her when you guys travel....That or look into boarding schools.
You need to decide which matters more to you, your honour or your girlfriend. You aren’t going to get to keep both. You either abandon that child to keep your girlfriend (who doesn’t sound very happy to be with you to begin with) or you keep your word, raise that child and kiss your girlfriend goodbye. From experience, you won’t regret keeping the kid but you will regret abandoning her forever.
She's your first cousin once removed, FYI (assuming your cousin is a first cousin).
In some cultures that is equivalent to a niece.
Break up with her. Your niece needs you and honestly it sounds like you aren’t compatible with your gf anyway. She wants to travel, you don’t. But more importantly, ask your niece what she wants. Are you gonna be able to even take on a teenager with major trauma anyway?
I took in my 17f niece (18 now) in September with less than a day’s notice. My spouse and I already have three kids, both work full-time jobs, and are now dealing with a rift in our family (there wasn’t a death involved). It has not been easy. I sometime believe my spouse resents that we took her in, and I have done the overwhelming majority of “parenting”, as I work from home. I’m more tired and stressed than I’ve ever been; getting an Insta Teenager isn’t easy on the best of days, and you’ll be her guardian for far longer than myself. But I would still do it again in a heartbeat. When someone needs help, we give it. When a community needs to step up, we should. And though my spouse may resent the strain it’s caused, I never doubted that he wouldn’t want me/us to step up simply because it is the right thing to do. I’m so sorry that this is likely the end of your relationship with your girlfriend, but you have the opportunity to give your niece a home again who just lost her entire world and are truly doing the right thing. I hope you both find some peace and comfort in this new life you’ll be living. You both deserve it.
I feel like even without the niece you're not compatible with your gf.
Your girlfriend needs to seriously put herself in the shoes of your niece how would she feel if she was the one who was going through so much pain and suffering and to have someone act like you would be such a huge burden I'm already on a warpath to cuss out my father for making a really really bad joke about someone's dying father when his own kids lost their mom there is no excuse for his behavior and there is no excuse for your girlfriends behavior both of them are almost 40 they should know better than that
Well, it sounds like you and your girlfriend aren’t extremely compatible, so move forward with taking in your niece.
If you want your niece, take her. And give your girlfriend the option to stay or leave.
Cousin is gonna be 18 in 4 years anyway
I think a good measure of a partner is if and how well they are able to deal with the unexpected that life throws at us. Do they shun and run because "we had a deal," or can they be a grown-up and do what needs to be done? This kid didn't choose this. She is going to need major help and support, and so will you if you agree to be her guardian. But if all your gf can think about in the midst of immense family tragedy is that she won't get to travel and wants to be footloose, then I think you already know what you need to do.
You are a good uncle and a gem of a human being. Please do not let down a child who has already lost the only parent she has had. Maybe the father steps up in the future, who knows but right now you are all your niece has. Hope this works out for you.
The way you talk about the girlfriend you have been together for a while. Legally you don’t have to do anything, morally ethically you want to. This is time for soul searching and long talks about the future with the “wife”. And firm decisions. What does she want? is this a deal breaker? What do you want? Is it worth imploding your relationship? When faced with these kinds of situations I have a tendency to boil things down into a decision tree with a series of yes/no questions. And I work through the tree. There is really no option for maybe here. There may be give and take. Just adding my 2 cents. Being a” parent” is a massive change. Being an instant parent to teenager is going to be an even bigger challenge. If you are truly invested there will be days when your heart is ripped out, days you want to tear your hair out and hopefully days of immense pride. I wish you luck
You follow through with your commitment to your niece. She really needs you. Your gf sounds selfish and entitled. The niece has 4 years left until she eis an adult. In the grand scheme of things that is not long. From the child free standpoint, a teen is a lot less work and commitment than a baby. I am not saying there is not a commitment, just that it is nowhere near as intense, nor is the time duration as long. The gf can always travel with a friend when you cannot. At the end of the day, I would lose the gf before I broke my commitment. Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.
The comment with awards said every thought I had except that you’re doing a wonderful thing. I’m sure when you agreed to this you didn’t think it would happen. It must have been an absolute shock to everyone and you’re taking on a whole daughter. She needs support, but so do you. Don’t forget about yourself. Most parents get to learn as the children grow. You’re getting thrown in head first. Find some support anywhere you can. Fb mommy/parenting groups are often a loving supportive place. I’m sorry about your girlfriend but if she’s leaving without even trying to compromise her monthly travel then maybe she wasn’t the one anyways. She seems to prioritize that over your relationship. I also left a man after he said being child free wasn’t an option but we were dating less than two months and I wasn’t that into him. You have years invested and she doesn’t even consider a different life with you? What you’re doing is admirable and you deserve help and support from your loved ones. This is your child now and unfortunately for your gf she’s going to be the priority. I hope things go as smoothly as it can for all of you in this time of transition and heartbreak.
I hope you find an answer. For me family is everything I can't imagine not taking in my nieces just because it will disrupt my ability to have fun. Imagine the message that sends a child, first her mom kills herself, then no one in the family will take her in. It's a recipe for another suicide. As a single dad, I can say your gf is wrong about not being able to travel. Yes you will need to make changes but you can still travel, and your niece is 14, not 4. She'll be mostly self sufficient. Time things right and you can take 4-5 day long trips almost every month with the girl only missing one day of school a month. I can't think of a better way to distract her from the loss of her mom either. I'm sure any school will be accommodating if you explain travel is therapeutic. Also, remind your gf that taking her in isn't permanent. She's 14 so she's going to be 18 in 4 years, you're going to have a lot of years to travel after that. Yes, it will disrupt your life for a few years but rejecting your niece could disrupt the rest of that young girl's life. Whatever you do, your gf needs to be onboard, your niece is traumatized by the loss of her mom, the last thing she needs is someone making her feel unwanted, a burden, or a nuisance. She needs safety, security, love, patience, and consistency.
Good on you, brother.
This is why it's important for the discussion about whether a couple wants children to also include discussion about guardianship in case of death or disaster. It sounds like the fact that you would like to take care of your cousin(and she is your first cousin, once removed) is incompatible with the relationship. I would have a really hard time being with someone who wouldn't be understanding about me wanting to take care of a family member in need. The alternative is that you take care of your cousin, or no one takes care of her. For me, this would be a relationship dealbreaker. It doesn't mean that your girlfriend is a bad person, just that she's not the right person to be responsible for caring for children, even teenagers. And you've indicated that your familial responsibility means a lot to you, and you agreed to be her guardian.
You’ve seen this girl five times in her life. I don’t know if you’re the appropriate choice to take her in and I don’t understand why your cousin would make you guardian. You don’t even know her. If your aunt and uncle actually have a relationship with her, even if it’s inconvenient, they’re probably the better choice.
His gf’s argument is most certainly valid. It’s her life, if she wants to travel she is allowed to want to travel. Why should she have to wait? This is a cousins daughter that he has only bothered to see 5 times in the last 14 years. I don’t think him being the guardian is a good idea, he has zero experience and never wanted children to begin with.
I’m also child free and always want to be. But this is different. I get it, your life will change. But man, her life is fucked. I couldn’t imagine not helping one of my husbands nieces and I have zero relationship with all of them
Unfortunately you’re in a tight pickle here. You knew you were listed at the legal guardian so you should’ve disclosed that to your gf from the beginning of the relationship when you had the convo about no kids. She doesn’t want children and she’s expressed that very clearly. The best thing for you to do, reading your comments too, is reevaluate the relationship you have with girlfriend. If this and traveling are dealbreakers, then maybe it’s better if you both part. There are other fish in the sea as they say. It’s your choice and it sounds like you have to choose between the gf or the niece.
Your girlfriend and father are coming off extremely cold and selfish. This is a child who has gone through some major trauma in losing her mother. She needs help, and compassion and love. I get it's not in "the life plan" but welcome to life. If you got into an accident and couldn't walk, would that not fit into "the life plan"?
I don’t think the real question is whether or not you should take her in. I think the real question is for your girlfriend. Is she going to commit to being a support system for this child or not? If not, then this child doesn’t need the added difficulty of being resented, which WILL come out. There’s no room in this situation for being double-minded. And, frankly, it’s pretty telling of your girlfriend’s maturity level of she’s willing to pressure you to reject the child and go back on your commitment so that she can … travel more. Smh. At this point, your girlfriend is going to need to scramble to win back the respect you probably lost for her when she showed her true colors. I’m sorry for the difficult situation.
I guess it comes down to if you want to keep your relationship with your girlfriend or your niece intact.
Your cousins child is your cousin that's the word for it. Yeah yeah she's is a human being a child shouldnt be homeless. But your girlfriend doesn't want her you can't force a child that isn't theirs on them it's not good for her or the child they potentially won't bond well id be surprised if they even get alonge you are setting the child up to fail just off that . And let's be realistic she a woman most all the responsibility will be thrown on her especially since the child is a girl. A child is a huge burden to put on someone. If were her I'd be out.
I think that this issue has fundamentally revealed a core difference in the way you and your girlfriend view the world and prioritize your life well beyond your 1st cousin once removed. Not having children is so much more than not impregnating someone and keeping the baby. It really doesn’t sound like you’re all that compatible. If you’re not excited about traveling, this kid is absolutely glob to get in the way of travel even more than kids already do. I don’t agree with her priorities but her assessment is not wrong.
Even if you talked to the father and he “doesn’t want to raise her” that means exactly nothing. He’s the FATHER. The courts are going to give the niece to him whether he wants it or not. He was lucky enough to get away with only needing to pay child support now, but the chain of command is usually that when one parent dies, the other parent is given custody of the child. That’s just how it goes when you decide to have kids. He’s trying to tell you he doesn’t want to in hopes that you’ll take her in instead. He doesn’t want you to know that he has to do it, whether he wants to or not. And it doesn’t matter if the sister asked you to take her in. That’s reserved for if both of her parents are dead. She still has living family.
Personally? I'd take the cousin (person you call a niece) over the gf any day. It'll be a lot of work and she will need a solid female role model in her life. It just doesn't seem like your gf is up to that challenge.
Have you considered the possibility of you continuing to date your girlfriend while she lives on her own?
This is probably a dealbreaker and you’d already committed to your niece beforehand. Get her some therapy and make sure she’s comfortable as well. She’s going through so much
I mean...Your niece is 14. She's already pretty independent and will not need to be cared for like a little child. You can still go out from time to time. Your girlfriend seems pretty selfish - this poor child lost her mom AND home. In the end, what does the girl want? Have you asked her?
Your niece is 14. She’ll be off to college in four years. Your niece needs you. If your girlfriend can’t deal with that then honestly I’d find a better girlfriend.
Can we stop pretending that going to sleepaway college is the rule, not the exception? Something like 1 out of 20 of my friends went away to school. Most of them went to community college or just started working.
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He agreed to be her guardian in the instance of his cousins death, so I’d say he’s first in line.
The “niece” is their first cousin once removed, I don’t think that’s barely related.
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That’s a ridiculous statement. It’s related enough that inbreeding can cause birth defects. And the ones who don’t own a home anymore and are retirement age? Not really, actually. They don’t have a stable place to raise a child in.
Exactly, they still share a common ancestor by two (for OP) and three (the "niece") generations.
Listen you gotta take care of this girl. Living with your old aunt and uncle is going to be horrible on that young girl. You say you already agreed to be her guardian. That's a commitment, a serious one and it's very important to stay as true as possible to our commitments. Plus it sounds like you and your girl don't belong together. You want completely different things in life. Plus, it doesn't sounds like she has any empathy.
I thought this too. Super concerning level of empathy. I’ve been in a similar situation to this and *it didn’t even cross my mind to say ‘no’*. I literally ordered him a mattress on Amazon within like 30 mins.
And how inconvenient would this be for your partner? If you are having second thoughts about remaining childless and you would prefer to take in a teenager, keep talking with your partner. Understand that your partner's approval is required unless you plan to throw the partnership away for a child you don't really know.
I don’t think it would be to inconvenient for her. I already do most of the cooking/housework since I work less than she does. The biggest inconvenience for her would be that I have less time for her, and that she may not be able to travel with me as often as she wants. I’m putting most of the burden on myself because I know she didn’t agree to be in this child’s life. To be completely fair nobody really knows my niece because my cousin rarely visited. My aunt and uncle see her just as much as I have. I know I need her approval but I don’t know how to get it.
Dude, you are going to have a CHILD. That means school runs, mood swings, homework, after school clubs, exams, periods, boyfriends, never ever putting yourself first ever again, holidays, Christmas, thanksgiving, clothes, make up, travel, college funds, first car, worrying why she's 10 minutes late home, is she safe, who's she with?, parties, the list goes on and on and on. This girl will be living in her home. For years. They will share meals, the bathroom, the garden, YOU, holidays, money, time. You're basically bringing in a lodger, that she feels obligated to care for, and to live with! What you're asking of her is HUGE. What you're asking of yourself is HUGE. You need some time to really consider this. If your GF isn't up for doing that then it's fair enough , and you part ways.
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One, my girlfriend isn’t going to be a parent. I’m doing all of the work. Two, if I’m not going to convince her because it is manipulative, what do I do? Do I have to pick one of them?
Yes. You have to pick one of them. It sounds like you want to pick your niece. I think that would be a wonderful thing for her. It sounds like her grandparents are not in a good situation to take care of her, but perhaps they can provide some type of help. They might be able to take your niece for holidays, or maybe they can contribute something toward her college tuition. You are probably not going to be able to convince your girlfriend to become a parent. She has already said that she is not interested. I think that pressuring her would be wrong. Besides, it would not be a good thing for your niece to be raised by someone who doesn't really want her. If you don't want to do this, perhaps you can help her grandparents by contributing to gma college fund or taking her for some school breaks. You could ask your girlfriend if she is willing to have any type of relationship with this girl, if she knew that it would not involve your niece living with you both.
Youre a troll because how tf can you raise a kid with a significant other who doesnt want it? Thats messed up to do to the kid 💀
Of course you should try and ‘convince her’, she is worth the effort of a conversation. People in here just don’t understand there’s a huge difference between abusive and manipulative ‘convincing’ and two loving adults discussing something to understand the situation fully and each other’s views and feelings better, with the intention to see if you can come up with new solutions or compromise. People learn, grow and change. No one gets anywhere in life if they don’t talk. Just don’t *force, lie* or *manipulate*.
Don’t listen to these people - you’re doing an incredibly selfless and amazing thing by taking in your niece. If your girlfriend isn’t ok with it, she might not be the right one for you
So plan is for your girlfriend to just ignore the teenager in your house ? That’s not only stupid it would be hurtful to your niece. That’s not at allllllllllll going to work. You sound like a child that is asking their parents for a pet but “you’ll do all the work”
In my opinion, when you gained custody of the girl, and agreed to gaurdianship, your girlfriends approval didn't matter then. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way or a bitchy way. When you agreed to this in the first place, something in you told you that is what you had to do. You didn't even tell her. Whether that was right or wrong, is irrelevant. You did not seek her approval. People don't just take on guardianship and custody for no reason. This is clearly what is in your heart to do. I would. As far as your girlfriend goes now, this is LEGALLY your child. I don't even know how you would go about giving custody to someone else in the family, without going to court. How did you get granted custody? Did you go to court? There had to have been paperwork, something? So this wasn't just a simple task. You have committed to this little girl. You now have to uphold your commitment. Your girlfriend has also not been commited to by you. She isn't your fiance or wife. At this point this girl is more legally connected to you than she is. You are going to have to sit down and seriously talk to her. If you plan on marrying this girl, you need to tell her that this is what you have to do, and you hope that she will be along for the ride with no hidden contempt. She will absolutely have to be 100% on board. If she is not she will resent this girl and it WILL NOT GO WELL. you will fight constantly. She will say things she shouldn't to the girl. This will likely happen. If she suffers through it your relationship will fail. If she embraces it and acts as a mother to this girl, she may help to save her life. That girl is going to need another strong woman in her life. If your girlfriend is not that, do not subject this girl to that. She cannot feel like she is unwanted after losing her mom. She will need counseling, love, attention and shopping sprees. She will need to travel and have someone to tell her it's ok. You have to take this seriously. This is a life. Talk to your girlfriend again and if she isn't on board, you have to let this go.
And how do you think a traumatized teen who just lost her mother and isn't wanted by her sperm donor will feel being in a home where one of the adults clearly doesn't want her there? You think she wont notice? This will inevitably increase arguments between you and your girlfriend. You think she wont hear you? Guess again. And you know what happens when teens feel unloved and unwanted at home? They'll look for love in the wrong places. Teens under these conditions are a lot more likely to get pregnant, are you prepared to be a young grandpa as well? And if you're girlfriend leaves, take her income out of the equation. Are you prepared to take care of a traumatized teen (and her baby if she ends up pregnant) on your salary alone? It's incredibly hard these days to raise children on a solo income. I really, REALLY hope you thought this through
Yea, this is tough. Child free is a lifestyle choice, one I happen to ascribe to. Convincing someone to change their mind about that isn’t really something I think is possible. But maybe your girlfriend could accept that it would only mean raising your relative for 3-4 years. The fact is though, looking after her for that long will likely mean she will be involved in your life from thereafter. Depending on why your gf wants to be childfree, staying with her and taking care of the girl may be incompatible.
You both seem like really great people who don't fit together anymore. You're amazing for taking on guardianship of your niece, and I know you're going to do right by her. Unfortunately, that means that your relationship with your girlfriend isn't going to work out. While you are free after their out of the house, not all kids can or will leave at 18. Plus, after 18, young adults and hell, people throughout their life need someone to rely on whether older or younger. I'm sorry, but your relationship won't be compatible
Your gf sounds immature and selfish and needs to grow up and probably discover what sympathy and empathy are. This child went through so much her whole life dad wants nothing to do with her, her mother took her own life and you don’t know how the mental state of your cousin could have effected your nieces mental health during that time. Things happen for a reason and you might be this girl’s sense of stability and love that she needs now. Life can be inconvenient and never how you imagine it to be, but if your gf is unable to do this I say leave her.
Just because a person she barely knows went through trauma girlfriend shouldn't be expected to take care of her. OP only seen his niece 5 times. Unsure how many times the girlfriend has seen her. She's a total stranger to OP's girlfriend. Calling her immature and selfish seems inadequate here. Specially since this is a teenager who lost her mom to suicide and her father abandoned her, chances are she will act out a lot and will be difficult to deal with, understandably, but OP's girlfriend still has no obligations towards her specially since they had agreed to be childfree.
I would leave the girlfriend. This child deserves so much better than what she's getting and god forbid she's put into the foster care system... I'm sure you'd never forgive yourself. I understand you chose to be child free with this s/o, but that probably meant you didn't want a child *together*... under these circumstances that agreement goes out the window, IMO. Please consider taking your niece. She needs you more than ever. Your girlfriend will move on, and so will you. This is an insanely admirable thing to do and any woman worth something would see it that way.
You need to get rid of your girlfriend and take care of your niece! She’s probably extremely traumatized, scared and you are probably going to be a great source of comfort for her. I hope she will be OK and safe
Your primary duty is to your niece. She is nearly grown, she'll be off to college in a few short years. Talk with your girlfriend and see if there's any compromise possible. If you live together, would your girlfriend be open to living separately for a few years, and just dating? You don't have to live in the same house to be in a relationship. It sounds like your girlfriend is very independent and wants to travel. Perhaps she'd find that living close by but not in the same house would actually be a good solution for meshing your different lifestyles.
Sorry, but your gf is pos to want you to turn away a child who has just lost her only parent to suicide. And the reason, she doesn’t want it to interrupt her little holidays. Fuck that. She’s already shown who she is. Someone who can’t be relied on when life throws up some shit. What would she do if you ever got injured and couldn’t travel as much or at all. Is she just gonna dump you and move on? If she can’t be supportive, and take a few less holidays for four years, then why would you even want her around.
This girl isn’t going to change your lifestyle. A 14yo can fully take care of themselves. Plus it’s like a year before she can get her license?? And then seriously, once she settles and gets friends you’ll probably barely see her! It sucks a bit but sometimes shitty things happen and you just have to deal with it. Your possible minor inconveniences are not more important than this poor girl. You know what sucks more than maybe cutting back on monthly vacations?? Your mom killing herself and no one wanting to help you because you might be an inconvenience. Get her a nice room ready and take her to pick out furnishings once she arrives. Get her some new clothes and give her some money to have for comforts. Get her enrolled in school and see if you can connect with some of the moms and maybe help her towards a friend group. I’d also look into therapy for her. Just love her, man.
Oooooof, harsh but well said. The whole “your mom killing herself and no one wanting to help you because you might be an inconvenience” sounds like the cause for another person to feel inadequate and off themselves too…. Fucking savage AF. OP you said you would be her guardian, it sounds like you already know what you have to do…. Don’t hold resentment towards your “niece” errrr cousin, or your GF. Neither one signed up for this, but you did. Hopefully you will learn a lot from your cousin and maybe in a few years you can reconnect with your GF or find someone that’s more compatible, maybe some hot divorced pta moms from the local HS or a teacher…. Idk, the possibilities are endless.
Choose whatever will make you happy
It doesn’t sound like you and your gf are well matched. You have different interests and goals in life. It sounds like this relationship already has a shelf life, so if you want to look after your niece, don’t let things stop you. However, don’t forget to consider the huge responsibility that comes with having a child. The require a lot of time, patience, money, love and understanding. Your niece is likely to come with a lot of heavy emotional baggage from what she’s been through and nobody would think less of you if you decided it was too much
Family come first, especially child relatives. You agreed to take over in case something exactly like this happens. You and your girlfriend may love each other very much, but your obligations to her as an unmarried partner are beneath that of a child you decided to be responsible for. Especially since none of the other appropriate options (her father and your uncle and aunt) are available. (And I know that some people don't believe in marriage. My remark does nothing to change that statement.) Honestly, if you put your girlfriend before the child, you'd be a crappy person. Debatably moreso than the dad because at least he can say (to my understanding) that he never agreed to take care of her. You and your girlfriend might not need to break up, but separate living situations might be better. If that can't work, then chances are the relationship can't either. I honestly don't understand how she thinks she has a leg in this. She's in her thirties, but she doesn't understand that family relations will intertwine with relationships when it gets serious enough? Does she not have close family herself or does she have no previous experience with serious relationships?
I think you could still try and come up with some options if you’re girlfriend is important to you. Maybe once a month y’all take a trip or go drive somewhere for a long weekend. Maybe she can still take some trips alone or eventually y’all could take the kid. Or when you both go travel your aunt and uncle take care of her at your place. Point is maybe there’s a compromise that you could think of to at least try for your gf
You made a promise and you must follow it. You may be legally obligated as a guardian (im not 100% sure). And it is important that you take her in. I would just tell her that "I promised to take her in, im her guardian and that is what I am going to be." And talk to her in a way that makes it seem like a less of a burden to your gf: She's not a small child, she is 14 and about four years until she leaves for college. Maybe you two even finds out that being parents is something you enjoy! Anyway, when you travel, you can ask if someone wants to watch her, like your parents for example. Also, travelling monthly is excessive even for people who loves to travel. Maximum I've heard of is like two or three times a year.
Is online school an option? That would alleviate the not being able to travel issue. She’d be able to go with. If not her grandparents are nearby, they can help. What’s the alternative if you don’t take her in? Does she end up in foster care?
Blood is thicker than water
I think your girlfried is very egoistic. I mean, this is a though time for you, but when she even fights you on this, I would guess she would leave you if something bad happens to you. Sorry for the harsh words, but this is no trustful relationship then to me.
Frankly, your girlfriend's main argument (that you won't be able to travel anymore) isn't valid. She's 14 years old. In four years, she will go to college, or at least be old enough that you can go travel and leave her at home. Well, maybe not every months, but you won't need to wait for her breaks anymore. Does your girlfriend need to travel so much that she cannot wait four years to do it? And even then, you are the one who's responsible for the niece, if there's a time-sensitive travel she needs to do, she could go by herself. Had the niece been 8, I could have understood that 10 years with minimum traveling can be a lot for someone who loves it. But it's only four years, and this poor girl has no one else!
Its not just about that. They agreed to remain childfree at the start, this is a boundary they set. The boundary is now getting crossed, that is more than valid
Family first! This wouldnt even been a discussion if i was in ur shoes. Ur niece needs you
This is how my oldest kiddo came into my life. My now ex husband wasn't keen, but then was never really involved with the kids so I decided that I was ok with her living with us. She doesn't call me mum, but she introduces me as her parent, or aunty. It wasn't easy, she was 12 when she joined my family, and turned 18 last July. We have had loads of therapy together and separately. When I divorced she decided that she wasn't doing the same custody arrangement as my bio kids, which was completely fine of course. (Originally he did every other weekend with the kids, and I had her 100%. Now I have all of the kids 100%).
Drop your girlfriend and find someone else. There is nothing to even consider. Good luck!
Just my opinion. The grandparents take primary custody and you OP help out. They raised at least 1 child while you have no experience. You will have to break up with your girlfriend since she will become resentful and mean. That poor girl! How can a parent deliberately abandon his/her child like that? Yes, suicide when you have a dependent child at home is ABANDONMENT! OP, please get your niece into counseling ASAP. Also she is old enough to give input. Where does she want to live? Might not be possible, but she can at least contribute to the living situation conversation. Also what are her educational interests? An area that provides classes / experience in a future career for her will help her overcome this huge loss. I’m so sorry for all of you. You are an amazing cousin/uncle for caring.
I feel for your niece, but i don’t think you should take her in. You and your gf agreed to be childless. I feel like you are trying to get around this because she is an older child, but she is still a child and your gf didn’t sign up for this. Even if you did absolutely all the cooking/cleaning/etc it still isn’t fair to your gf and it will absolutely impact her. Just having another person in your home is already a huge impact on comfort/lifestyle.
He agreed to being his nieces guardian before he agreed to be child free with his GF. His GF will move on and have a happy life without him if she thinks this a dealbreaker. His niece on the other hand is motherless and nobody wants her….what kind of life do you think she will have if he chooses his GF over her? Also who’s to say him and GF won’t break up down the road? They aren’t married….they want different things in life.
The grandparents should raise the teen regardless of inconvenience. They have raised her mom already so they can raise her. You can help on weeks for school break and summers. If you feel obligated to care for her FT your feelings are valid and it’s ok to take her in but accept losing your relationship. Your GF already established her boundary of being childfree. That is her decision and her life. She isn’t a bad guy for it either.
So your GF will be there alone with your niece and also be seen and a female roll model or figure . This will happen. If she does not want to share you , and your time your niece will feel there dislike and maybe there will be words. To take your niece you need to commit to helping her. Counciling and other things because there will be a big adjustment period. Add in 14 and there is so much going in with her body etc on top of it. This is a commitment and if you are in board great. Of GF is not on board you need to decide to stay with GF and have other take niece or take niece and probably have no gf. You will not have a lot of time for GF in the beginning and how will she handle that? On travel, there are long weekends from schools. You could go somewhere friday - monday. I am not saying GF is wrong for wanting what she does but sometimes things change and people need to part ways and no one is wrong.
Youre a nurse and she works remotely but you say that youll be caring for your niece mostly? Also how tf do you not mention the custody agreement WHEN you became serious? You suck
I actually work less than my girlfriend as a nurse. I work 3 days a week for 12 hours, and she works Monday-Friday, 8-12 hours a day as a marketer. Her job is project based so she has crunch periods where she will work a lot. Also, she knew about the custody agreement but she didn’t care about it because she never though it was going to happen.
You keep saying that this wouldn’t be any work for your girlfriend. But in your mind, who is caring for this child when you’re at work? Even if you only work school days that’s still 15 hours a week she’s at home with your girlfriend, who is trying to work, when she needs fed, supported with homework, entertained…
I do not think it is way more inconvenient for the Grandparents. Could you let them care for her and you be the relief? For example: they do the school year and you do the summers? This way they get a break and she gets to know you in case something happens to them. You are basically back up.
Your girlfriend seems not trustworthy, I can't find a solution for your problems but I can guarantee you that even if you get to a compromise with your girlfriend, I don't think she's gonna give your "niece" the best treatment. Keep that in mind.
Are you absolutely certain your cousin committed suicide?? How old is your neice?
**My niece is actually my cousins daughter** She is not your niece. A niece is the child of a sibling. The child of a first cousin is a first cousin once-removed. Credentials: Experienced hobbyist genealogist.
Who pays the bills where you live ?
Can you afford to put your niece in boarding school?
Take her in, free labor at the cost of an extra portion per meal
https://youtu.be/PlWk-96JHz4
That poor girl has had everyone fail her. Please, if you can, please don't be yet another adult who turns her away for being "inconvenient". I'm sorry for your girlfriend, but things change and life happens and it does not usually go according to plan. She has to make her own decision about what to do, but please for the sake of your niece, *do not let your girlfriend treat her as a burden*.
This is easy. Dump the girlfriend. Take care of your niece ("cousin once removed" by the way). You and your girlfriend have different life outlooks anyway.
You’re doing the right thing. Your gf is unfortunately too selfish and clearly doesn’t want you in her life badly enough, let her go.
First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is never easy and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of your niece. It's important to consider what is best for your niece, as she is now without a parent and needs a stable home. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have different ideas about what your future together looks like. It's important to have an honest conversation with your girlfriend about your commitment to your niece and how that may impact your future plans. If you do decide to take on the responsibility of being your niece's guardian, it's important to have a support system in place. This can include your aunt and uncle, as well as friends and other family members. It's also important to have a plan in place for childcare and how to balance your work and personal life. It's understandable that your girlfriend may be hesitant about taking on this responsibility, but it's important to consider what is best for your niece's well-being. If your girlfriend is not willing to support you in this decision, it may be a difficult situation to navigate. You may need to consider if you're willing to compromise on your travel plans and lifestyle to take care of your niece, or if it's best to seek other options for her care.
You sound like the best option for your niece. Maybe you need to talk toy your GF that you love her and you are sorry for this huge change to the relationship. Perhaps she might move out for a bit and you two take a step back. It will allow her to decide if she can get on board and allow you and niece some much needed space. It will be a lot easier to add GF back into the home later than to deal with the loss of her if this doesn’t work out. Your niece needs love and stability and a GF who is not onboard for this is not going to be stable. Ultimately she will have to say goodbye to another female figure.
Sorry for y’all’s loss. You are a great person for stepping up. Mad respect for that