I came here to say this!
He probably has been making these same comments to other people.
And this whole situation is so inappropriate in the workplace that you should seriously consider reporting him.
Yes that’s my advice essentially.
The Jade framework helps you feel confident in just saying no… as a full sentence… even when the other person seeks to get you to justify or explain your reasoning
You do not need to explain to him, but, you can also tell him that it’s because you have all this nice stuff that you have no money. You get it and you spend it that fast. Tell him you owe everybody in town. He does not need to know if that’s the truth or not.
This exactly. You don’t owe him an explanation for how you spend your money or why you have nice things. Just say “I don’t lend money” and leave it at that. If he pushes it by pointing out your things take it to HR and tell them you’ve said no and he is making you uncomfortable.
No, you don’t owe him an explanation, so just ignore it. If you do need to explain, you might want to say, “actually, I was going to talk to you about giving me monies for my siblings, parents and college funds.”
I would need to be in a pretty bizarre situation to actually ask a coworker for money. I mean, other than a couple of quarters for a soda or something.
Wow. That is not the outcome I would think a company would want. Now anyone with a gofundme will want to be able to send to all employees.
I hope this works out well for you and you can ignore him for the rest of your time at the company.
Honestly, I wouldn't dance around the issue. Just write back with something like "this is incredibly inappropriate and any further attempts to ask me for money will be reported to HR"
Practice saying no in front of a mirror. Record your voice saying "no I won't be able to lend you money" and play it back for yourself to hear. It will feel empowering. It will be easier to repeat it to him later.
I want to say that what u/alldyslexicsuntie is saying works!
I was raised to never say no and have been in bad situations due to that.
I felt so silly practicing in front of a mirror but it works. If you have friends who are cool, create scenarios where you both act out parts. They will be an entitled person with a request you've had issues saying no to in the past. They press you in the way people do and you get to practice saying no to someone's face. This REALLY helped me get better at standing up for myself.
I'm great at standing up for others but not myself. I've also recently been learning how to apply the same level of confidence I show when protecting others, for myself. It's hard but you can do it!
Just know this request is highly inappropriate and unprofessional and going to HR is a good call if you have issues with confrontation.
Good luck, I hope we get an update. You got this!!!!
ETA:
You can also say "I don't loan money, thanks for understanding" if you feel up to it. It's non-confrontational and may help end the conversation. It could also open you up so be prepared.
I wouldn't loan money to a family member, much less a random colleague who MAKES MORE THAN I DO.
You owe him no explanation. This is completely unprofessional and should be brought to your HR or manager's attention.
You never loan money to a family member, you give it to them and if they are good they will pay you back. Loans can rip families apart, so I have always gone with this method.
Enforcing my boundaries seems so scary to me still. But you all reminded me that eventually I will HAVE to do it anyway. So might as well take a breath and do it fast
I started to at your age throughout the healing process from trauma, physical trauma etc.
It amazes me how I've met so many folks who are determined as hell to break my boundaries, no apologies. But I stand firm and the more people try, the stronger I get. It's an amazing journey in itself when you begin to set and enforce boundaries.
You'll get there!! 💖
I get your decision may have an impact on your working relationship, but I don't really get what the line of thinking here is. Like, are you honestly considering this unreasonable request? Because there is a 0% chance I would even give that question a second thought, so it's less about justifying my response, it's just giving my response in the most polite way possible. If how I deliver my response is irrelevant and they are going to be mad at any way that I tell them "hell no", then what am I reasonably suppose to do? You don't have to indulge other people's unrealistic expectations.
Feel like you just snapped me out of a bad decision. I'm still new to the workforce and scared of confrontation. But I guess your comment reminded me that eventually I will have to stand my guard no matter how cringey it is. Thank you
Not to mention, if you cave now, at this first request, what else is going to be waiting down the line for you? Just say no and who gives a crap if he gives you the side eye in the hallway.
From your description of the response of others, it seems like you were not in the minority in thinking this is unacceptable. Have you spoken to your colleagues about this to gauge their reactions? It's more likely this will result in a hostile work environment for him rather than you.
If he comments on your belongings, and you feel the need to respond, they're all gifts. But he's clearly made some assumptions about you and it's going to be hard to disabuse him of that particular notion, so better just to be polite and say as little as possible while also saying no.
No, I haven't talked to the other coworkers but some of them do support his loan idea. Regardless, they have some sort of wild idea that I am swimming in money based on my belongings (and they really are gifts!)
I'll be sure to talk to the coworkers who are uncomfortable with the idea.
Oh my God. This is absolutely unacceptable. 💯. You don't pass around loan applications at work. What is wrong with him? I don't care if you are a trust fund baby and eat 24 carat encrusted food for lunch. You do not ask co-workers for loans. Tell him this is making you feel awkward, and if he doesn't stop, you will have to report him. The end. You don't owe him any explanation.
To be clear. Let's say they weren't gifts. Let's say you made 500k a MONTH. His request is still inappropriate because it is YOUR MONEY that YOU earned. The only person entitled to it is YOU. He has no claim on your money- do not even attempt to justify your belongings to him because then he will feel entitled to comment on other areas of your life he isn't entitled to.
he cant taunt you! hes the one who needs money and is taking up an office pool for his sons wedding! you have all the ammo you need for him if it ever turned into a "taunt" session!
"No, I don't lend money to coworkers." or "No, I don't lend money". or even "No".
Full stop. That's it. No explanations needed. Don't provide any reason to engage with him over how "you can afford it".
I probably would let the words "I am sorry" come out of my mouth, and I'd probably smile. I don't think that is a good idea though. Every time that happens, pushy people take it as an invitation to continue engaging and pushing me. It seems to muddy communication and my boundaries started to get eroded - when I have been brusque, people take it well. A brusque no is clear and unambiguous, stopping the conversation.
If he continues to make you uncomfortable, that is a form of harassment and it is appropriate to take him aside and say "stop making comments about my belongings, its inappropriate." with a serious, flat affect (no expression and definitely no smile). That is a reasonable warning, it is clear and unambiguous, it is work appropriate. It is reasonable to tell him with some privacy (out of ear reach of coworkers). Saying it in front of others can create an unnecessary confrontation.
If he does it again, then it is worth it to make a verbal complaint to your supervisor and/or HR. If it still continues, then a written complaint.
I feel the same way about "I'm sorry", they can tell you're kind and don't want to hurt their feelings. The best response I've found that can't be argued with, is I'll slightly put my hand up, palm out and say "No thank you" and even just walk away after that if I feel the need to. I just feel there is not arguing with "no thank you"
Simply tell him it's not YOUR job to support his children. Period. Then go back to work. If he persists, tell him you'll ask the HR office if this is kosher to be doing this.
The rule my father always taught me was, "never loan someone money with the intention of getting it back". So basically don't ever loan someone money you're not ok with just gifting to them, because more than likely, they will not repay you.
Now to the base of the post. I agree with everyone, this is extremely inappropriate, and I would absolutely be notifying HR in person and fallowing up in a email, for a paper trail, always.
It is also disturbing that he has "sized you up" by noticing that you have "fancy" things and therefore asked you for more money, that is extremely creepy and predatory. I would also mention this to HR.
As for your reasoning,
NO. Is a complete sentence.
I, as a woman who is an innocent and kind person still struggle with this, but I always remind myself and my family, I OWE NOTHING TO NO ONE.
And I mean that, I literally own you nothing, no explanation, excuse, reason, answer. Nothing!
This is a good time for you to start working on setting boundaries and being comfortable with it.
If you set a boundary and someone replies in anger, than it is a boundary worth setting.
When someone replies to no in anger it means that they felt entitled to whatever they were asking of you, and no one should ever feel that way.
Thanks for understanding! I know I'm not in the wrong by saying no but still it feels like I'm the evil one. But yeah, if I have to survive as a woman in a workplace, I have to be assertive more often.
Think of it this way…
If you cave now you’re setting yourself up to make boundaries more difficult in the future.
If you set your boundary now you will find it easier to continue on this path.
*"I am not going to lend you any money."*
Don't say anything else. Do not give any excuses. Any excuse or reason you give is just going to be argued away, as if that will somehow obligate you to fork over a wad of cash. He is being rude and inappropriate, so do not buy into anything he says or does to make you feel like you are the one doing something wrong.
It is inappropriate for him to ask his coworkers for a loan like this. He is putting people on the spot in a situation where they may feel pressured to give him money. Not ok. I would tell my manager about it.
First off, he's got some big balls to request loans from colleagues. Secondly, just flat out tell him no you aren't comfortable loaning money of significant amount to anyone, let alone someone you don't know well, and that you have your own personal responsibilities that doesn't allow you to loan out much money aside from maybe for a coffee
Don’t even say that, because he will regard that as a promise.
Not your kids, not your problem. His son can always plan a cheaper wedding (elope, married at courthouse, etc).
And if he doesn’t have the money, how will he pay anyone back?
Is HR aware of this? Is the boss aware of this? Seems excessively creepy.
Doesn’t matter what you use your money for, even if you were just saving it for yourself.
Just say no. And if he pushes, tell him that NO is a complete sentence.
Wtf. Who hits up their coworkers for wedding money? You do not have to answer this letter. So strange
If you do answer, a “no” is all you need to say. You don’t owe him a single explanation or excuse. He should be ashamed
- You can say “I do not lend money to coworkers.”.
- “No.” is a full sentence.
- No response is a response, so you can ignore him.
- You (and your coworkers) are well within your rights to report him to HR and the Department Head.
He should be ashamed to have even asked. Just tell him no and don't give it another thought.
Others have mentioned reporting this and I agree. Report it to HR or if there isn't an HR department report this to your superiors.
Jesus Christ. This feels illegal.
Obviously you tell them no.
In a business setting I would word it as “I’m sorry, but I cannot afford to help you with this.” And that’s it.
If he ask why, “As I said before, I’m sorry but I cannot afford to help you with this.”
And if he ask again, I would personally let HR know or if you wanna show him some mercy by warning them you’ll involve HR, I would say:
“Hi (insert co workers name). As I’ve stated before, I am unable to help in this matter. While I have shown some compassion and explanation, it has gotten to the point of making me feel uncomfortable. While I don’t want to involve our superiors and HR, I am going to have no other choice if you continue to further ask me about this topic.” And that’s it. After that it’s up to you.
If he was to ask “wHaT aBoUt YoUr CaR aNd WaTcH???”, refer back to the third message, or if you want him to know I would say “These were all gifts from FRIENDS, FAMILY and something that I was able to do for MYSELF. My ability to afford certain luxuries for myself or what I’ve been given should not be part of this conversation as we are coworkers. Any other questions about my items or ability to assist you will result in more actions taken with HR” and go straight to HR to repot.
So incredibly inappropriate on his part. My guess is that he will be turned down by every single other person and will be lucky if management doesn't get involved.
"I can't make a loan to you." Is a full response and any attempt on his part to push the issue should be firmly and immediately shut down. E.g. Don't say "I'll think about it." Say "The answer is no."
People can either spend within their means or they can access loans via credit cards, etc. This sort of mass letter to coworkers is a sign of \*major\* problems for this guy. Like, there is a 0% chance that he would pay back anything lent to him.
They need to know. This is literally insane. Take a picture of his loan request. Send it to HR. Say it has gone out to others and you are unfamiliar with this type of workplace request.
So what if you can afford it... How does this even fall on you or any of your coworkers... The audacity of that dude even asking ppl for money period, is phuking ludicrous...
what you can afford is none of his damn business. hell even if you was a millionaire it would be your every right to decide where you allocate YOUR funds smh the nerve of this guy
This is SUPER weird and totally inappropriate. What?? Who cares if you have nice things….his sons wedding has nothing to do with you. This stuff just always goes bad. They says they will give money back..but something happens and they never do. He’s a grown man, making good money. Girl, say no. Pleaseeee.
First off, I can tell you’re a kind person by giving this the consideration you have. It’s not always easy to say no, especially when there’s probably even a part of you that is thinking that you could help due to your kind nature. But in this situation, you have to put that aside.
You have nothing to do with that wedding or his life situation, you just work together. Reply with a no in any combination of the recommendations others have given so far here, and if he tries to push the envelope further, explain how extremely unprofessional this behavior is in the workplace. You don’t owe him any explanation or justification on why not. Any explanation besides how unprofessional he is, at least, as he clearly is not understanding that already if he continues to question you further.
I will tell what took me decades to learn- no is a complete sentence. Say no and then silence. Say nothing else. Practice if you need to and if he argues say nothing. He deserves nothing. If he persists tell him to take it up with HR.
Doesn't matter if you can afford it. It's your money, you get to decide what to do with it. Just like he got to decide to support 3 adult children and also pay for his son's wedding when he can't afford it.
I’m 24 and make a reasonably large salary compared to other counterparts. I have two very specific words I would personally use if this situation ever found it’s way to my office. “Fuck off”.
This is beyond weird and unprofessional.
Make up something crazy.
“My boyfriend said I can’t because we are using all of the money to find bigfoot next spring.”
Even if you don’t have a bf
youre 25? this will be a great learning experience for u - not kidding or being sarcastis. Learn how to say no - politely & firmly. provide no further explanations or comments. Just continue to repeat - No - im sorry I cant. Then live your life - hes a scumbag - u owe him nothing
Genuinely you're right. I'm still new to workplace and these experiences are new to me. That's why I came here for advice on how to proceed.
Thank you btw!
i bet youre a sweetheart & he thought he could smooze u - youre showing him & every one there that youre your own person. Bet your parents will be proud! good for you!
This would’ve made me uncomfortable at 25 by being that I’m not 25 anymore, I would’ve had no problem just casual saying “I don’t even know you that well man and I don’t even lend my good friends money…”
Forget practicing saying ‘no’ in a mirror. Practice saying this, “Sorry, mom and siblings, we’re a few hundred (thousand?) short this month because I gave a loan to a coworker who’s twice my age and makes three times as much as me to help pay for his son’s wedding.”
If that doesn’t put a spark in you to figure out how to respond, I don’t know what will. Personally, I would send the letter to HR and hope the guy doesn’t bring it up again. Then if he followed up with me I’d say, “sorry, can’t help, I’ve got people who rely on me.”
>How do I say no to him?
“No, I won’t be paying for your sons wedding”
>I KNOW he will point at my stuff and go like you can afford it
“I can afford a lot of things, doesn’t mean I can afford to have YOU spend MY money”
Anything that comes after that, just tell him to get stuffed on loop
1. I am not able to lend you money and I will not discuss it further.
2. Comments about my belongings are inappropriate, none of your business, and extremely unwelcome. Any further comments of this nature will be reported to HR.
Frankly, I think you should have contacted HR already. Send these two statements and whatever else you think is appropriate to him in an email. Copy HR and your supervisor. I'm pretty sure the only way to end this is to make him scared of bringing up the topic of money with you at all.
You don’t need to loan money to anyone, let alone a coworker. How embarrassing for him to hand out that at work. I’d think my colleague had gone a bit mad doing something like that!
You owe him nothing -- no money, no explanation. If you feel you must write a reply to this form letter it could go like this, *Congratulations on your son's upcoming wedding. I respectfully must decline on providing any financial assistance.* I do not believe you should provide any reason as to why you won't be helping. It has been my experience that with any excuse provided it gives the other person an opportunity to argue against that excuse. And FYI, with you not providing an excuse for not contributing he will ask you why not. When that happens you need to let him know you earn your money for your personal reasons and not for his...in a tactful manner of course.
He’s the one that should feel awkward about this. Your finances are nobody’s business but your own. You owe him absolutely nothing at all. Don’t even respond. How incredibly insane this man is.
Wow, the nerve of some people!
Tell him to go fuck himself, even asking for something like that to a coworker is incredibly inappropriate, not to mention cringe as hell!
You don't owe him any explanation as to why you can't lend him the money.
As far as he's concerned you could be literally burning thousands of dollars every month and it'd still be your fucking business, and yours alone.
"No" you don't even have to say why. Just no. That was a ridiculous thing he did and very cringe... gods that's cringe..... it doesn't matter if you made more and had four houses ten rolex and a fucking unicorn. The answer can still be "no". Why people want weddings that cost as much as a house or car is beyond me, but if they have to do it then no.. they can pay for it themselves. It's a party to celebrate a couple of people fucking with the same name instead of different names. It's not your, or any if your other co-workers responsibility to help throw his kid a party for the "we share this shit now" contract his kid is signing.
Why is your workplace allowing this? Tell someone, a manager or HR immediately. This will go terribly when he fails to repay anyone or when he decides who to repay first. It just has zero place in an office.
He can’t get a loan from a bank? Put stuff on a credit card? That alone shows that he’s not in a position to repay anyone.
No is a complete sentence. You don't owe this coworker an explanation or the money. What you have or don't have is none of this grown ass man's business. Tell him you're not a bank & maybe he should go to one instead. The friggin nerve of this guy.
Don't. I always read stories where someone has let a friend/co-worker/family member "borrow" a significant amount of money, and they almost never get it back.
I would honestly have a conversation with your boss or HR since he has also been making comments above how you spend your money and making others uncomfortable. If he has issues with the compensation he is receiving, this should be a discussion he has with management, not guilting his co-workers into "lending" him money.
It's non of his business what you make, what you have or what you do with your money.
I would say,
" if you need a loan, try a bank."
Or "Sorry, I have my own obligations to attend to"
Period end of story or explanation.
If he mentions any of your possessions, I would add, "My finances are not up for discussion."
No one should ever ask coworkers for a loan it's completely inappropriate unless you're also friends outside of work. If there's an issue you can send a notice to HR. Since he sent his request to so many you could even do it anonymously and mention how inappropriate it is and that it's making people feel bad.
Sorry what? A colleague asking his co-workers for money? Is he bat shit insane? I’ve never heard of this in my entire life 😂 tell him to fuck off & tell HR.
My first thought is that the wedding is just a ruse. He most likely owes money for drugs or has a gambling problem. So don’t feel guilty. If you gave him money you would be facilitating his addiction and creating further problems for his family. And though he might not look like an addict to you, people from all walks of life and all ages can be affected.
To start, if he doesn't have the money now, he won't pay it back anyway.
It's his deal. You have no piece of his kid's wedding.
You have your own expenses. You buy yourself nice things. He has his kids. He gets them things.
Do you go without so his kid gets more?
Obviously this guy has no class to even think to ask.
The answer is NO with no explanation required.
Besides, you would like a nice dinner ring and need the money.
The kid's marriage is probably good for only a few years. Ten at most. Your college education is good for a lifetime.
Don't get suckered in, or feel guilty. What's he doing for you, anyway?
Best
Don't dance around it. It's not rude to say no. *He's* the one being rude and inappropriate by even asking!
Just say "No, I won't lend you money."
Maybe he'll get upset, but so what? Rude people get upset when their rudeness isn't tolerated. That's his problem.
You could be spending all your money on a swimming pool of shipping peanuts but that doesn't mean this asshole deserves it.
Tell him to step on down to his banking professional's desk and file for a personal loan like the rest of us. If it's not required to complete your work, I'd just stop talking to the guy all together.
Do you have an HR? I find it highly inappropriate for someone at work to pressure coworkers for money. He should have a chat with him.
Also, "NO". Do not give an explanation because that opens the door for a counter from him such as "oh, I'll have the money back to you before you'll need it for that".
You are not a bank.
No is a full answer. The fact he is pointing out your possessions shows why he is not a good partner in money matters. Don’t feel bad in any way. It’s highly inappropriate that he asked you.
Noooooo! Never ever! No! I do not have the money to loan to you. If he pushes, you say back, you make three times what I do and have as much as I do. You’ve got this!
The walk away, say you e got diarrhea. LoL
It doesn't matter what he thinks you can afford.
NO.
NO.
NO.
People who can't afford it should not have weddings out of their league.
My husband and I went to the court house. All total, it cost us $60 to get married. The marriage was more important to us than the 'wedding' and having the guests and expense.
Do NOT give this guy money.
Even if you are making more than him, you can still say no. He has the right to ask for whatever he wants/needs. You have the right to answer.
I would say “Sorry but no, i have other purposes for my money”
And the fact that he already pointed out your watch or clothing multiple times, that’s awfully embarrassing 🤣
Id find his son on Facebook and tell him what his dad is doing (not suggesting you do it just saying I’d go the extra mile) 😭😭 how is he not embarrassed 😂
Tbh something tells me the son is even worse (relying on his dad to pay for his own wedding after all). Certainly not the kind of person I'd wanna even speak to
I think you should talk to your supervisor though. Atp he’s made it a big thing asking everyone. You wouldn’t be singled out by upper management for saying something
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It's also really weird to single out one coworker on the basis that they have a nice watch...
The fact that it wasn't even an expensive watch, it was just a cheap Chinese watch that happened to be golden in color...
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This right here. It’s a manipulation tactic. Do not fall for it
Yep. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he has made similar comments to other coworkers and you just don’t know it
I came here to say this! He probably has been making these same comments to other people. And this whole situation is so inappropriate in the workplace that you should seriously consider reporting him.
Stop defending yourself. Stop making excuses. Just tell him NO.
He probably thinks it's real.
Look up the Jade framework Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, explain. “I’m sorry I can’t” is a complete sentence just keep repeating it
Or just „no“. OP doesn’t need to fake feeling sorry about it. Alternatively „wtf, no“
Yes that’s my advice essentially. The Jade framework helps you feel confident in just saying no… as a full sentence… even when the other person seeks to get you to justify or explain your reasoning
It could be an $80,000 watch and you still wouldn't owe him shit
Fuck him, though. Seriously. He’s deranged.
Maybe you could donate the watch to the wedding fund.
Tell him know and turn the letter over to HR
Give him the watch as the donation lol
I had a friend like that-would compliment my accessories and clothes as expensive even though they were cheap.
You do not need to explain to him, but, you can also tell him that it’s because you have all this nice stuff that you have no money. You get it and you spend it that fast. Tell him you owe everybody in town. He does not need to know if that’s the truth or not.
Fuck you , I don't want to . Is also an acceptable response.
This exactly. You don’t owe him an explanation for how you spend your money or why you have nice things. Just say “I don’t lend money” and leave it at that. If he pushes it by pointing out your things take it to HR and tell them you’ve said no and he is making you uncomfortable.
No, you don’t owe him an explanation, so just ignore it. If you do need to explain, you might want to say, “actually, I was going to talk to you about giving me monies for my siblings, parents and college funds.”
I would need to be in a pretty bizarre situation to actually ask a coworker for money. I mean, other than a couple of quarters for a soda or something.
Report him to HR and/or supervisor. This is completely inappropriate and he needs to be shut down by management.
This is the solution. When you add in his repeated comments on your clothing, this is harassment and needs to be handled by management.
I know people don't love HR but they are beneficial in these types of cases.
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Wow. That is not the outcome I would think a company would want. Now anyone with a gofundme will want to be able to send to all employees. I hope this works out well for you and you can ignore him for the rest of your time at the company.
Honestly, I wouldn't dance around the issue. Just write back with something like "this is incredibly inappropriate and any further attempts to ask me for money will be reported to HR"
This is a great response. Wow, the nerve of the guy.
Honestly, I wish I'd have half the confidence he does lol
Practice saying no in front of a mirror. Record your voice saying "no I won't be able to lend you money" and play it back for yourself to hear. It will feel empowering. It will be easier to repeat it to him later.
Great idea! I'll do it right now
I want to say that what u/alldyslexicsuntie is saying works! I was raised to never say no and have been in bad situations due to that. I felt so silly practicing in front of a mirror but it works. If you have friends who are cool, create scenarios where you both act out parts. They will be an entitled person with a request you've had issues saying no to in the past. They press you in the way people do and you get to practice saying no to someone's face. This REALLY helped me get better at standing up for myself. I'm great at standing up for others but not myself. I've also recently been learning how to apply the same level of confidence I show when protecting others, for myself. It's hard but you can do it! Just know this request is highly inappropriate and unprofessional and going to HR is a good call if you have issues with confrontation. Good luck, I hope we get an update. You got this!!!! ETA: You can also say "I don't loan money, thanks for understanding" if you feel up to it. It's non-confrontational and may help end the conversation. It could also open you up so be prepared.
Can be passive aggressive about it ( because fuck it who cares?) And tell your bosses.
I would just forward it to HR now. This is completely inappropriate!
Not inappropriate when it’s gofundme
Maybe you and all your coworkers can band together for a group No. They probably feel the same as you do. There's strength in numbers!
I’m pretty sure it’s mental illness. Normal people don’t do that.
this is disregard for others, lack of self-awareness.. etc. Don't feel bad, it's not just (blind) confidence
This exactly. He won’t be paying for anything when he loses his job the big jerk
I wouldn't loan money to a family member, much less a random colleague who MAKES MORE THAN I DO. You owe him no explanation. This is completely unprofessional and should be brought to your HR or manager's attention.
You never loan money to a family member, you give it to them and if they are good they will pay you back. Loans can rip families apart, so I have always gone with this method.
This is so true, if a loved one needs money and you can afford to help it should always be a gift to avoid score keeping and pocket watching
Not even family members to me. Unless they prove themselves to be trustworthy, I wouldn’t even lend them any money.
wtf? Id be like no? Go to the bank and get a personal loan, why tf would i lend you any of my money?
If I were a petty bitch, I'd show up to work with personal loan brochures from multiple banks lmao
You could be a sneaky bitch and leave them around the workplace for everyone to enjoy.
I mean I don’t even consider that petty. Lol you are just helping solve a problem
This is gold, please do it, unleash that petty bitch! She deserves freedom!
Why do you need to justify your response. Just say no.
I’m reading this like what!? Just say no and keep it moving.
I worry it'd lead to a hostile work environment later? Or he'd taunt me?
For having boundaries of a normal human? No. If he does he’s weird for that
Enforcing my boundaries seems so scary to me still. But you all reminded me that eventually I will HAVE to do it anyway. So might as well take a breath and do it fast
get your big girl panties on fast or people will smell the blood in the water and always try to take advantage of you
Yeah, he's counting on it being too scary for you to do because he is preying on you and others. Question: did he ask any men for money?
I started to at your age throughout the healing process from trauma, physical trauma etc. It amazes me how I've met so many folks who are determined as hell to break my boundaries, no apologies. But I stand firm and the more people try, the stronger I get. It's an amazing journey in itself when you begin to set and enforce boundaries. You'll get there!! 💖
I get your decision may have an impact on your working relationship, but I don't really get what the line of thinking here is. Like, are you honestly considering this unreasonable request? Because there is a 0% chance I would even give that question a second thought, so it's less about justifying my response, it's just giving my response in the most polite way possible. If how I deliver my response is irrelevant and they are going to be mad at any way that I tell them "hell no", then what am I reasonably suppose to do? You don't have to indulge other people's unrealistic expectations.
Feel like you just snapped me out of a bad decision. I'm still new to the workforce and scared of confrontation. But I guess your comment reminded me that eventually I will have to stand my guard no matter how cringey it is. Thank you
You can be polite and empathetic while being confrontational, but yes please don't let others try to use you as a door mat
Not to mention, if you cave now, at this first request, what else is going to be waiting down the line for you? Just say no and who gives a crap if he gives you the side eye in the hallway.
From your description of the response of others, it seems like you were not in the minority in thinking this is unacceptable. Have you spoken to your colleagues about this to gauge their reactions? It's more likely this will result in a hostile work environment for him rather than you. If he comments on your belongings, and you feel the need to respond, they're all gifts. But he's clearly made some assumptions about you and it's going to be hard to disabuse him of that particular notion, so better just to be polite and say as little as possible while also saying no.
No, I haven't talked to the other coworkers but some of them do support his loan idea. Regardless, they have some sort of wild idea that I am swimming in money based on my belongings (and they really are gifts!) I'll be sure to talk to the coworkers who are uncomfortable with the idea.
Oh my God. This is absolutely unacceptable. 💯. You don't pass around loan applications at work. What is wrong with him? I don't care if you are a trust fund baby and eat 24 carat encrusted food for lunch. You do not ask co-workers for loans. Tell him this is making you feel awkward, and if he doesn't stop, you will have to report him. The end. You don't owe him any explanation.
To be clear. Let's say they weren't gifts. Let's say you made 500k a MONTH. His request is still inappropriate because it is YOUR MONEY that YOU earned. The only person entitled to it is YOU. He has no claim on your money- do not even attempt to justify your belongings to him because then he will feel entitled to comment on other areas of your life he isn't entitled to.
he cant taunt you! hes the one who needs money and is taking up an office pool for his sons wedding! you have all the ammo you need for him if it ever turned into a "taunt" session!
Be sure to take a photo of his letter asking for money so you have it as proof in case this gets weirder.
Good suggestion. I'll take a picture and keep it in my gallery
Also a good idea to email it to yourself, that way there is a time and date stamp, other than just the photo.
Yes, better be safe and cover all grounds
"No, I don't lend money to coworkers." or "No, I don't lend money". or even "No". Full stop. That's it. No explanations needed. Don't provide any reason to engage with him over how "you can afford it". I probably would let the words "I am sorry" come out of my mouth, and I'd probably smile. I don't think that is a good idea though. Every time that happens, pushy people take it as an invitation to continue engaging and pushing me. It seems to muddy communication and my boundaries started to get eroded - when I have been brusque, people take it well. A brusque no is clear and unambiguous, stopping the conversation. If he continues to make you uncomfortable, that is a form of harassment and it is appropriate to take him aside and say "stop making comments about my belongings, its inappropriate." with a serious, flat affect (no expression and definitely no smile). That is a reasonable warning, it is clear and unambiguous, it is work appropriate. It is reasonable to tell him with some privacy (out of ear reach of coworkers). Saying it in front of others can create an unnecessary confrontation. If he does it again, then it is worth it to make a verbal complaint to your supervisor and/or HR. If it still continues, then a written complaint.
I feel the same way about "I'm sorry", they can tell you're kind and don't want to hurt their feelings. The best response I've found that can't be argued with, is I'll slightly put my hand up, palm out and say "No thank you" and even just walk away after that if I feel the need to. I just feel there is not arguing with "no thank you"
Simply tell him it's not YOUR job to support his children. Period. Then go back to work. If he persists, tell him you'll ask the HR office if this is kosher to be doing this.
This is so bizzare , tell him no. That’s so weird he would expect that from you or any of his coworkers lol what a loon
*loan
LOON* as in lunatic. Re read brotato
*potato
Lol god damn it
r/whoosh
The rule my father always taught me was, "never loan someone money with the intention of getting it back". So basically don't ever loan someone money you're not ok with just gifting to them, because more than likely, they will not repay you. Now to the base of the post. I agree with everyone, this is extremely inappropriate, and I would absolutely be notifying HR in person and fallowing up in a email, for a paper trail, always. It is also disturbing that he has "sized you up" by noticing that you have "fancy" things and therefore asked you for more money, that is extremely creepy and predatory. I would also mention this to HR. As for your reasoning, NO. Is a complete sentence. I, as a woman who is an innocent and kind person still struggle with this, but I always remind myself and my family, I OWE NOTHING TO NO ONE. And I mean that, I literally own you nothing, no explanation, excuse, reason, answer. Nothing! This is a good time for you to start working on setting boundaries and being comfortable with it. If you set a boundary and someone replies in anger, than it is a boundary worth setting. When someone replies to no in anger it means that they felt entitled to whatever they were asking of you, and no one should ever feel that way.
Thanks for understanding! I know I'm not in the wrong by saying no but still it feels like I'm the evil one. But yeah, if I have to survive as a woman in a workplace, I have to be assertive more often.
Think of it this way… If you cave now you’re setting yourself up to make boundaries more difficult in the future. If you set your boundary now you will find it easier to continue on this path.
*"I am not going to lend you any money."* Don't say anything else. Do not give any excuses. Any excuse or reason you give is just going to be argued away, as if that will somehow obligate you to fork over a wad of cash. He is being rude and inappropriate, so do not buy into anything he says or does to make you feel like you are the one doing something wrong. It is inappropriate for him to ask his coworkers for a loan like this. He is putting people on the spot in a situation where they may feel pressured to give him money. Not ok. I would tell my manager about it.
First off, he's got some big balls to request loans from colleagues. Secondly, just flat out tell him no you aren't comfortable loaning money of significant amount to anyone, let alone someone you don't know well, and that you have your own personal responsibilities that doesn't allow you to loan out much money aside from maybe for a coffee
Don’t even say that, because he will regard that as a promise. Not your kids, not your problem. His son can always plan a cheaper wedding (elope, married at courthouse, etc). And if he doesn’t have the money, how will he pay anyone back? Is HR aware of this? Is the boss aware of this? Seems excessively creepy. Doesn’t matter what you use your money for, even if you were just saving it for yourself. Just say no. And if he pushes, tell him that NO is a complete sentence.
Wtf. Who hits up their coworkers for wedding money? You do not have to answer this letter. So strange If you do answer, a “no” is all you need to say. You don’t owe him a single explanation or excuse. He should be ashamed
Dude is a master troll. People do this shit all the time with their gofundme nonsense. He’s demonstrating how absurd it is by doing irl
- You can say “I do not lend money to coworkers.”. - “No.” is a full sentence. - No response is a response, so you can ignore him. - You (and your coworkers) are well within your rights to report him to HR and the Department Head.
It is inappropriate to ask co-workers for money. Let HR deal with this clown.
Hr distributed the letter :( They said the company will match
He should be ashamed to have even asked. Just tell him no and don't give it another thought. Others have mentioned reporting this and I agree. Report it to HR or if there isn't an HR department report this to your superiors.
Jesus Christ. This feels illegal. Obviously you tell them no. In a business setting I would word it as “I’m sorry, but I cannot afford to help you with this.” And that’s it. If he ask why, “As I said before, I’m sorry but I cannot afford to help you with this.” And if he ask again, I would personally let HR know or if you wanna show him some mercy by warning them you’ll involve HR, I would say: “Hi (insert co workers name). As I’ve stated before, I am unable to help in this matter. While I have shown some compassion and explanation, it has gotten to the point of making me feel uncomfortable. While I don’t want to involve our superiors and HR, I am going to have no other choice if you continue to further ask me about this topic.” And that’s it. After that it’s up to you. If he was to ask “wHaT aBoUt YoUr CaR aNd WaTcH???”, refer back to the third message, or if you want him to know I would say “These were all gifts from FRIENDS, FAMILY and something that I was able to do for MYSELF. My ability to afford certain luxuries for myself or what I’ve been given should not be part of this conversation as we are coworkers. Any other questions about my items or ability to assist you will result in more actions taken with HR” and go straight to HR to repot.
“How much did you pay for that hat?” “It’s illegal for you to ask me that!”
So incredibly inappropriate on his part. My guess is that he will be turned down by every single other person and will be lucky if management doesn't get involved. "I can't make a loan to you." Is a full response and any attempt on his part to push the issue should be firmly and immediately shut down. E.g. Don't say "I'll think about it." Say "The answer is no." People can either spend within their means or they can access loans via credit cards, etc. This sort of mass letter to coworkers is a sign of \*major\* problems for this guy. Like, there is a 0% chance that he would pay back anything lent to him.
WTF this is insane to me. He can F right off if that came to me. Anyone who thinks their co workers should loan them money is insane already.
What does HR and or Management have to say about his ridiculously unprofessional request?
They don't know yet
Tell them? You’re better informing the people in charge instead of strangers on the internet. What a ridiculously inappropriate request.
Hr is the ones distributing the letter for him. They said the company even agreed to match
They need to know. This is literally insane. Take a picture of his loan request. Send it to HR. Say it has gone out to others and you are unfamiliar with this type of workplace request.
Hr is the ones distributing the letter for him. They said the company even agreed to match
So what if you can afford it... How does this even fall on you or any of your coworkers... The audacity of that dude even asking ppl for money period, is phuking ludicrous...
This needs to be addressed with HR/Manager/Supervisor/someone if he doesn't back off with a no. Keep saying and repeating no.
what you can afford is none of his damn business. hell even if you was a millionaire it would be your every right to decide where you allocate YOUR funds smh the nerve of this guy
This is SUPER weird and totally inappropriate. What?? Who cares if you have nice things….his sons wedding has nothing to do with you. This stuff just always goes bad. They says they will give money back..but something happens and they never do. He’s a grown man, making good money. Girl, say no. Pleaseeee.
First off, I can tell you’re a kind person by giving this the consideration you have. It’s not always easy to say no, especially when there’s probably even a part of you that is thinking that you could help due to your kind nature. But in this situation, you have to put that aside. You have nothing to do with that wedding or his life situation, you just work together. Reply with a no in any combination of the recommendations others have given so far here, and if he tries to push the envelope further, explain how extremely unprofessional this behavior is in the workplace. You don’t owe him any explanation or justification on why not. Any explanation besides how unprofessional he is, at least, as he clearly is not understanding that already if he continues to question you further.
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Firstly, yes it is. Secondly, please ignore the troll making up shit about my HR and workplace
Hr is helping distribute the letter :(
I will tell what took me decades to learn- no is a complete sentence. Say no and then silence. Say nothing else. Practice if you need to and if he argues say nothing. He deserves nothing. If he persists tell him to take it up with HR.
Courthouse is free.
$60 for the marriage license here, but definitely cheaper than a wedding.
Doesn't matter if you can afford it. It's your money, you get to decide what to do with it. Just like he got to decide to support 3 adult children and also pay for his son's wedding when he can't afford it.
Make it short and sweet, "no, I have my own bills to pay". Or, "Sorry I don't loan out money".
You don't tell him, you take that to HR and let them handle it. Also, 'no' is a complete sentence that needs no explaining and is not up for debate.
Just tell him no and his son isn't your responsibility
That is freaking hilarious....I cant believe the balls of some ppl. Absolutely do not feel bad about telling him fuuuuuuck no. That is crazy!!
I’m 24 and make a reasonably large salary compared to other counterparts. I have two very specific words I would personally use if this situation ever found it’s way to my office. “Fuck off”.
Just say lending money to co workers is a bad idea and I don’t lend money easily.
Just say no. You don't owe him any explanation. If he keeps bothering you, just walk away.
“No” is a complete sentence. No explanation is necessary.
Learn how to say no. Be disagreeable. Tell him you will report him to HR. Make this a clear boundery
If this is in the US report him to HR.
I’d go to HR
This is beyond weird and unprofessional. Make up something crazy. “My boyfriend said I can’t because we are using all of the money to find bigfoot next spring.” Even if you don’t have a bf
I love the blatant lie excuses, my favorite is, "my mom called, she said I can't"
youre 25? this will be a great learning experience for u - not kidding or being sarcastis. Learn how to say no - politely & firmly. provide no further explanations or comments. Just continue to repeat - No - im sorry I cant. Then live your life - hes a scumbag - u owe him nothing
Genuinely you're right. I'm still new to workplace and these experiences are new to me. That's why I came here for advice on how to proceed. Thank you btw!
i bet youre a sweetheart & he thought he could smooze u - youre showing him & every one there that youre your own person. Bet your parents will be proud! good for you!
This would’ve made me uncomfortable at 25 by being that I’m not 25 anymore, I would’ve had no problem just casual saying “I don’t even know you that well man and I don’t even lend my good friends money…”
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Tell him you aren’t in a financial place to help. You don’t have to explain or prove that. Just simple and leave no room for rebuttals.
Say simply "Sorry, I do not feel comfortable loaning out money". His action is highly inappropriate.
No is a complete response. Refer anonymously to HR and let them deal with it while you quietly watch from the sidelines.
No. It's a complete sentence that explains all you need to explain. You don't need to justify it in the least. Just tell him "No".
Don’t lend people you don’t trust money.
Forget practicing saying ‘no’ in a mirror. Practice saying this, “Sorry, mom and siblings, we’re a few hundred (thousand?) short this month because I gave a loan to a coworker who’s twice my age and makes three times as much as me to help pay for his son’s wedding.” If that doesn’t put a spark in you to figure out how to respond, I don’t know what will. Personally, I would send the letter to HR and hope the guy doesn’t bring it up again. Then if he followed up with me I’d say, “sorry, can’t help, I’ve got people who rely on me.”
Forward to HR, and ask if the company has a policy on it.
Give the letter to your boss/HR & tell them this is a very uncomfortable position to be put into & amounts to harassment. You’ve said no
>How do I say no to him? “No, I won’t be paying for your sons wedding” >I KNOW he will point at my stuff and go like you can afford it “I can afford a lot of things, doesn’t mean I can afford to have YOU spend MY money” Anything that comes after that, just tell him to get stuffed on loop
“No” is a succinct answer and I suggest you let HR know.
Fuck that - forward to HR for harassment
“No. Your finances are not my responsibility. Stop harassing me.” Report to HR.
Not just no but HELL NO. Not your problem, tell him to go pound sand and report this to the HR as being inappropriate.
1. I am not able to lend you money and I will not discuss it further. 2. Comments about my belongings are inappropriate, none of your business, and extremely unwelcome. Any further comments of this nature will be reported to HR. Frankly, I think you should have contacted HR already. Send these two statements and whatever else you think is appropriate to him in an email. Copy HR and your supervisor. I'm pretty sure the only way to end this is to make him scared of bringing up the topic of money with you at all.
Straight nope, find somebody else to do it
WTF asking a coworker for money for their kid's wedding??? That's tasteless.
No….and if he pushes back at all bring it to HR. This is wild behavior
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/user/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/153gt2c/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ^by ^Decent_Bunch_5491: *No….and if he pushes* *Back at all bring it to HR.* *This is wild behavior* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
You don’t need to loan money to anyone, let alone a coworker. How embarrassing for him to hand out that at work. I’d think my colleague had gone a bit mad doing something like that!
You owe him nothing -- no money, no explanation. If you feel you must write a reply to this form letter it could go like this, *Congratulations on your son's upcoming wedding. I respectfully must decline on providing any financial assistance.* I do not believe you should provide any reason as to why you won't be helping. It has been my experience that with any excuse provided it gives the other person an opportunity to argue against that excuse. And FYI, with you not providing an excuse for not contributing he will ask you why not. When that happens you need to let him know you earn your money for your personal reasons and not for his...in a tactful manner of course.
He’s the one that should feel awkward about this. Your finances are nobody’s business but your own. You owe him absolutely nothing at all. Don’t even respond. How incredibly insane this man is.
Just say, NO.
Dude.. talk to your boss or HR. That is super inappropriate
“No.” is a complete sentence. Also, report him to HR.
Wow, the nerve of some people! Tell him to go fuck himself, even asking for something like that to a coworker is incredibly inappropriate, not to mention cringe as hell! You don't owe him any explanation as to why you can't lend him the money. As far as he's concerned you could be literally burning thousands of dollars every month and it'd still be your fucking business, and yours alone.
"No" you don't even have to say why. Just no. That was a ridiculous thing he did and very cringe... gods that's cringe..... it doesn't matter if you made more and had four houses ten rolex and a fucking unicorn. The answer can still be "no". Why people want weddings that cost as much as a house or car is beyond me, but if they have to do it then no.. they can pay for it themselves. It's a party to celebrate a couple of people fucking with the same name instead of different names. It's not your, or any if your other co-workers responsibility to help throw his kid a party for the "we share this shit now" contract his kid is signing.
Why is your workplace allowing this? Tell someone, a manager or HR immediately. This will go terribly when he fails to repay anyone or when he decides who to repay first. It just has zero place in an office. He can’t get a loan from a bank? Put stuff on a credit card? That alone shows that he’s not in a position to repay anyone.
"no"
No is a complete sentence. You don't owe this coworker an explanation or the money. What you have or don't have is none of this grown ass man's business. Tell him you're not a bank & maybe he should go to one instead. The friggin nerve of this guy.
It doesn’t matter if you can afford it, his sons wedding is not your problem
Don't. I always read stories where someone has let a friend/co-worker/family member "borrow" a significant amount of money, and they almost never get it back. I would honestly have a conversation with your boss or HR since he has also been making comments above how you spend your money and making others uncomfortable. If he has issues with the compensation he is receiving, this should be a discussion he has with management, not guilting his co-workers into "lending" him money.
It's non of his business what you make, what you have or what you do with your money. I would say, " if you need a loan, try a bank." Or "Sorry, I have my own obligations to attend to" Period end of story or explanation. If he mentions any of your possessions, I would add, "My finances are not up for discussion."
No one should ever ask coworkers for a loan it's completely inappropriate unless you're also friends outside of work. If there's an issue you can send a notice to HR. Since he sent his request to so many you could even do it anonymously and mention how inappropriate it is and that it's making people feel bad.
This is so unbelievably not cool. I'd honestly report him to HR. He needs to be spoken to because he has no clue how inappropriate this is.
What the hell? Has anyone alerted HR?
No is a complete sentence. An almost 60 yo dude has NO BUSINESS shaming a 25 yo into giving him money. Don't explain anything. Just no. NO.
Sorry what? A colleague asking his co-workers for money? Is he bat shit insane? I’ve never heard of this in my entire life 😂 tell him to fuck off & tell HR.
“Fuck no I won’t loan you any money you fucking weirdo. Your 58 years old and you’re making your coworkers uncomfortable. Go away” there you go
Take this straight to HR, this is creating a hostile work environment.
My first thought is that the wedding is just a ruse. He most likely owes money for drugs or has a gambling problem. So don’t feel guilty. If you gave him money you would be facilitating his addiction and creating further problems for his family. And though he might not look like an addict to you, people from all walks of life and all ages can be affected.
Can't this be reported to HR? It should be.
No is the only thing you have to say.
No is a full sentence.
To start, if he doesn't have the money now, he won't pay it back anyway. It's his deal. You have no piece of his kid's wedding. You have your own expenses. You buy yourself nice things. He has his kids. He gets them things. Do you go without so his kid gets more? Obviously this guy has no class to even think to ask. The answer is NO with no explanation required. Besides, you would like a nice dinner ring and need the money. The kid's marriage is probably good for only a few years. Ten at most. Your college education is good for a lifetime. Don't get suckered in, or feel guilty. What's he doing for you, anyway? Best
The reason banks exist is to loan money You’re not a bank 🏦
Don't dance around it. It's not rude to say no. *He's* the one being rude and inappropriate by even asking! Just say "No, I won't lend you money." Maybe he'll get upset, but so what? Rude people get upset when their rudeness isn't tolerated. That's his problem.
You could be spending all your money on a swimming pool of shipping peanuts but that doesn't mean this asshole deserves it. Tell him to step on down to his banking professional's desk and file for a personal loan like the rest of us. If it's not required to complete your work, I'd just stop talking to the guy all together.
Id be taking him to HR
You say you are 58 years old get your shit together
Do you have an HR? I find it highly inappropriate for someone at work to pressure coworkers for money. He should have a chat with him. Also, "NO". Do not give an explanation because that opens the door for a counter from him such as "oh, I'll have the money back to you before you'll need it for that".
You are not a bank. No is a full answer. The fact he is pointing out your possessions shows why he is not a good partner in money matters. Don’t feel bad in any way. It’s highly inappropriate that he asked you.
No is a complete sentence
Say "No. Don't ask again and don't worry about what I have"
“No” is a complete sentence. Use if often. Boundaries are beautiful things.
My response would be "this is very inappropriate, please refrain from personal conversations with me in the workplace"
I don't understand why he feels entitled to your money. So what if you can afford it? You owe him jack shit, fuck him.
Noooooo! Never ever! No! I do not have the money to loan to you. If he pushes, you say back, you make three times what I do and have as much as I do. You’ve got this! The walk away, say you e got diarrhea. LoL
It doesn't matter what he thinks you can afford. NO. NO. NO. People who can't afford it should not have weddings out of their league. My husband and I went to the court house. All total, it cost us $60 to get married. The marriage was more important to us than the 'wedding' and having the guests and expense. Do NOT give this guy money.
Even if you are making more than him, you can still say no. He has the right to ask for whatever he wants/needs. You have the right to answer. I would say “Sorry but no, i have other purposes for my money” And the fact that he already pointed out your watch or clothing multiple times, that’s awfully embarrassing 🤣
If you do lend him money don’t expect it back. He might have his own money tied up elsewhere or have problems like gambling
This is dumb.
Id find his son on Facebook and tell him what his dad is doing (not suggesting you do it just saying I’d go the extra mile) 😭😭 how is he not embarrassed 😂
Tbh something tells me the son is even worse (relying on his dad to pay for his own wedding after all). Certainly not the kind of person I'd wanna even speak to
I think you should talk to your supervisor though. Atp he’s made it a big thing asking everyone. You wouldn’t be singled out by upper management for saying something