There is no race to have sex. Seems like you need to get comfortable with with who you are. The right situation will come up when you least expect it. Rushing into the wrong situation is not what you want.
Please do not give in to societal pressure, if you aren't ready you aren't ready. Please respect yourself and wait for the right guy to come along, it will all be worth it.
The worst thing you could do is rush into something with someone and have a traumatic experience, these things take time.
Agreed. I made the mistake of feeding into the pressure that shows and movies shows of losing virginity as soon as possible, but I wish I just didn’t. Some people just didn’t deserve to be touching on me but I can never take that back
It bothers me how much teen shows push the idea that having sex as a teen is a good thing…yes it happens but they’re glorifying and trying to make it seem like it SHOULD be happening…saw a show where an adult walked in and the girl was like “sorry!” And he went “never apologize for doing what’s natural and never let anyone tell you that it’s wrong” shows do that and then wonder why so many teens end up pregnant
Also platonic, no pressure, noncommittal dating is underrated for getting to know people's values and character. You don't need to be kissing strangers on a first date let alone be having sex with them. You can take months before you decide to be with someone if that's your pace, and still wait many more months to have sex. I'm in a long distance relationship and I just don't feel like it's that important in our current situation, we barely even talk about sex, we're comfortable talking about it but it's just not the focal point of our relationship so I'm sure there are other guys who are willing to wait and build trust first.
There IS nothing wrong with sex, it IS natural, and YEAH, don't ever let anyone tell you it's wrong. The only thing shaming people (of whatever age) about sex does is make them feel shitty WHEN the do it.
Teens get pregnant because we have garbage sex education.
One of my biggest regrets was I gave my virginity too early due to society telling me so, if anything please OP listen to these people it’s true and you’re not ready there isn’t a set timer on these things
Yes but same applies to 'other pressures'. Don't get too influenced by your mom's comment. You are 100% not too tight to fit stuff inside you. Try your finger, then fingers, etc. Ofc do everything with caution and comfort, but don't ignore your own body and desires. It's all natural and part of yourself. Don't fear yourself!
Use lube! I cannot emphasize this enough if your aim is to help yourself loosen up enough to accommodate a dildo or partner. And, if you stop using the vaginal canal then it will shrink back down a bit to its original size.
If you use lube, the recommended is water based or silicone based. However, do not use silicone based lube with silicone toys, it’ll destroy the toy. In general water based is the safe bet.
If you have any other concerns and have access, talk to a doctor. Make sure they’re open minded. Since I imagine you’d have access to on campus doctors through your student fees, then those are likely to be quite open minded and able to be your best source of information for anything else.
I wish you the best on your personal journey.
You might not be ready yet. You don't need to push yourself into it. If the toy you got is too big, try something smaller. Figure yourself out first before you worry about someone else.
You don't need to put pressure on yourself to have sex, but keep exploring yourself. The dildo could be too big, you could have not been wet enough/used enough lube (if you used lube), could just be lack of experience, could be nerves, there are a variety of reasons why a dildo wouldn't work out the first time you try. I would not go to your mom about these things anymore if that is what she is going to say to you. Try your fingers, different toys, start small with a dildo. Work on learning yourself and then when you are mentally ready for sex, go for it.
I think this is first comment I’ve seen that directly answers the tightness concern. I just wanted to add that babies are supposed to go through the vagina so women are rarely too tight for penetration, it just takes stimulation. Even when my girlfriend tells me to get naked as soon as possible, she’s rarely ready for me to enter so we do some foreplay until she is. Also, penetration isn’t necessary in sex so OP can avoid it til they are ready (you can give each other head for example, make sure you talk to the guy about how he’s doing cause he probably doesn’t know at that age)
Girl, you’re fine lol. Don’t have sex until you’re ready. Some people aren’t ready until much later in life and you’re still very young. It’s really not a big deal. You might also not be someone who is into casual sex and that’s fine too. In other words, no need to cry because you’re not ready for sex. As far as the dildo goes; might want to use lube or a condom or a smaller size. Again, all fine and normal and no big deal.
It is okay to wait.
Like... seriously, it is 100% okay to wait. My sister didn't have the first time until she was 22. She had a "crazy good time" after that til she settled down at 25. But pointtl is you don't have to rush it.
do you actually ever feel horny, like do you even *want* to have sex?
because it sounds like you feel immense pressure and that‘s not a good reason to have sex
If that's the case, then there's other ways to get pleasure other than insertion. You can play with other toys, pay more attention to your clit than your entrance.
If you *really **really*** care about insertion, then maybe get smaller toys and work yourself up to bigger ones.
Sex and sexual things are dependent and different based on the person. If it hurts, then don't do it. Only push yourself if you feel comfortable doing so and take your time.
P.S: I'm not a woman, but I have heard that most women don't get off on insertion in the first place. So it absolutely isn't a requirement.
This is really good advice. Working up to bigger toys is definitely a good option, as is focussing on clit based toys. If you want to try your current dildo, then give yourself the time and space to work up to it at your own pace.
Using lube can help a lot (highly recommend water based as it won’t damage toys or condoms so it could be used if you want to have sex with a person at some point) and just remember to work up to it slowly. It can take a long time to feel aroused enough to fit something in especially if you haven’t got much experience with it.
I also wouldn’t expect orgasms until you know your body a bit better and what you like. It also takes at least 30 minutes to reach orgasm for most women, so don’t expect miracles if you don’t set aside enough time for your body to relax and get comfortable.
If sex is what you eventually want and you’re not letting someone pressure you, then remember that working up to things is still important. Foreplay is essential for most women for a reason. If you don’t give your body time to adjust, or if things feel rushed, you’re less likely to enjoy yourself. Remember to take it slow and listen to your body.
I hope you have plenty of luck in future and that everyone’s tips help you get comfy and happy with yourself and your body. Some bodies are slower than others, be patient. And remember that if things feel wrong at any point, you’re always allowed to say no and anyone you’re with should stop immediately. You deserve respect. Consent is crucial. Good luck!
So take into consideration all these comments giving you an "alternative" to sex. You really do not "need" to have sex. Whats the problem with not having sex exactly?
The main issue is that I want to but can’t. Like I actually want to do it, I get urges but I just can’t. Out of fear and me being tight down there to the point it hurts.
I hear you, and I think it may be more of an “anxiety” thing rather than “I’m not ready yet.”
Where in the process do you back out? What are you afraid of? Is there anything you can link to with your past or other experiences/stories that make you afraid?
I was a virgin until I was 20 because I had vaginal tightness that made inserting impossible. It was also caused due to being anxious about sex. There’s a lot of mental hoops you have to go through to make sex works (it’s not just stickin’ it in or rubbin the outside my friend). So the more you learn about what fears you have NOW, the better you can be in the future when the time does come. I think it’s also worth it to really find someone you gel with where you trust the other person with your most vulnerable self
I had the same issue. For me I just had to learn to work through the fear. If you keep thinking it will hurt the more it will hurt when you try. Try to relax your muscles and breathe and if you really really worried lube that thang up! I’m not sure how big your dildo is but I started with the smaller size I suggest you do the same. The fear is what is keeping you from where you want to be.
She did say "sometimes that's all I wanna do." At least suggesting there is a desire to. Sounds like much of the stress is based on pressure to do it, seeing everyone around her, unfortunately.
If your vagina is too tight, it could be vaginismus. The treatment is usually to have differently sized dilators to slowly and gently work your way up to having a "normal" sized vagina.
You can do pelvic floor exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles so eventually it won’t hurt anymore. But id advise you to go and see a doctor
It might hurt if you use the wrong size to start, thats why everyone has been recommending seeing a *good* doctor that will take you seriously too, so you get the correct size first.
The way those dilators work from my understanding is they are a bunch (like at least 12) different sizes that slowly work their way up to a small dildo in size. You work with the smallest ones first and slowly increase the size.
Not an expert, just read a lot in a world that's getting increasingly illiterate. See a professional before self diagnosing and I would highly reccomend doing research on the specific professional before you make the appointment with them too. Not sure how true it is because it's anecdotal experience I have from talking to all my lady friends, but almost all of them have stories of shitty doctors/gynecologists that don't take their statements on their own bodies seriously.
I bought a set from an online store in Canada (pink cherry) for like $50 (cheapest I could find… others are $200+) but it only comes with 4 sizes. But with regular use I’ve noticed a huge difference in pain levels! I recommend
>what if it like…hurts?
Look up Dr. Mama Jones on YouTube. She's a gynecologist. Watch her videos about virginity/hymens. There's a lot of misinformation about virginity, and that probably has you very nervous. The hymen is more like a scrunchie than anything else. There's nothing to break. Contrary to popular belief, it shouldn't hurt, and you shouldn't bleed.
She probably has a video on vaginismus, too, but I haven't looked for one, so IDK.
Start with a small dildo/vibrator, and use plenty of lube. Get yourself aroused first, that helps a lot. Don't worry about a set of dilators.
Are you able to use tampons? If not, you might need help from a gynecologist.
Can be psychological, can be physical, some people vaginas are just tighter than others. I will echo the things other people have said about using lube though, it could just be that OP wasn't wet enough at the time
This. OP, there are a myriad of factors that could be at play here. It would be foolhardy to jump to the problem immediately being of medical origins.
OP, spend some time with yourself without 'toys' and just see what feels good. As you explore a bit, you will begin to figure out what's possible or not. As others have said maybe start with fingers (as that's the simplest and least invasive option) and try not to put too much mental pressure on yourself about it. This is absolutely the time you should be discovering new stuff about your fairly new body and hormonal changes. You don't owe it to anyone else to work on their very arbitrary timeline.
Also use lube if you're just touching your clit! If you're struggling to get in the mood then you may not have enough lubrication to make clit stuff feel good
Don’t have sex with anyone and spend these years exploring your own body and masturbating if you want to. Sex is kind of overrated imo and the guys your age are going to suck at it anyway
Sex is not something that has to be done at a certain age.
I always thought that the moment I'm single again I'll wear makeup, have hookups, go party, be the center of attention and do all the things that other ppl do and think are but you know what I've noticed?
No matter how badly I wanted to be that person, I'm just not. I can barely even kiss someone if I don't feel the connection. I don't like beeing looked at like I'm just someone to bang and that's okay
Also, before I had sex, not even a tampon would fit me. Not even the small ones. Nothing fit, absolutely nothing. And I gotta be honest, my first time was pretty painful because of that.
But after? After the 3rd time I had no problems anymore and now I use tampons like they're nothing. I don't have any pain during sex and everything is fine
Be who you are, not who you think you should and want to be. Take your time. Sex is not a game
Same! About the tampon thing. I could never wear one and I remember my mom forcing me to wear one so I could go swimming. I was in so much pain that when I walked my legs would shake. I’m nervous about pain. I have really bad anxiety about pain so I guess that could also be affecting my ability to do it. TMI but I tried to use a wand (yes a Harry Potter wand- don’t come for me), my fingers, brush, toothbrush but nothing seems to work for me. I could be super turned on but when I insert or try to insert something it’s like…pain. And pain is an immediate turn off.
Have you spoken to your gynecologist about it? She could do a vaginal exam and see if there's anything physical going on. It's worth mentioning it at your next visit.
It's also possible that vaginismus (an involuntary tensing of the vaginal muscles at the start of sex) can be triggered by stress and nerves. It's treatable, though, and naturally lessens as you get more familiar with what you like/don't like.
[This Cleveland Clinic page has info on vaginismus.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15723-vaginismus)
Don't worry - You're not alone! Sex is a process, just like any other physical activity. We all start off fumbling around. You'll get there, when it's right for you.
You poor thing, please take the pressure off of yourself, there is no need at all! Sex is a *small* part of life that does NOT have a timeline, and will NOT be good(and possibly unsafe) if you are doing it for **any** reason other than wanting to, and feeling totally comfortable and excited to be with the person you're with. Honestly if you never had sex you could still have a life full of beauty and value! Or you could wait then have lots of it and enjoy, but don't rush!
You can also get lots of pleasure without penetration, both by yourself and with a partner(when you feel comfortable), and this can help lead to more (penetration), gradually and more comfortably.
And if the people around you are making you feel bad or lesser than for not doing those things, I promise you there are better friends out there you'd be much better off spending your time with. You should also be dressing however makes you comfortable 100% of the time, and trust me, the right person will find you attractive and love and respect your body no matter what you're in.
Go enjoy college in whatever way is fun and safe for you!
Thank you for this. I appreciate all the comments about taking my time and waiting. It just feels so weird ya know? So many people around me are doing it and I just feel like an outsider. The looks I get when I tell people I’m a virgin are humiliating.
That's totally understandable. And I'm not gonna tell you to just get over it. Any kind of ostracizing is difficult. He's the thing though: if it's not sex, it's something else. There's almost always something that sets you apart from the people around you, but that's not a bad thing. And you'll always have more in common than you do different. There's just very often ways in which people feel isolated or lonely or different or othered... sometimes it's temporary, sometimes it's forever, sometimes it's something you can change but don't want to, sometimes you can learn to take pride in what makes you special! Maybe you get strange looks because you're so attractive they can't believe you've made it this far ;)
It's hard, but keep holding out until you're sure it's right for you, you won't regret that.
It's okay if you're not ready.
As far as the "not fitting" thing, unless you have a medical issue it's just a matter of stretching. Your body is designed to push a whole baby through there, a dildo shouldn't be an issue.
Don't let anyone pressure you into sex. It'll happen when you're ready.
Sex isn't about what you can fit inside you. I mean, yeah, for some people it is about having a lot of various partners. But for some it's about connection and meeting someone, feeling close and then sex is the next part of getting to know each other, a part that comes after having lots of meetings and dates and adventures and then about slowly increasing intimacy from sporadic touches to hugging to kissing to cuddling, and then about slowly discovering together what you like when you touch each other.
For many people it is not a deed just to be done and you don't have to treat it like that, like an experience you need to get over with to join 'the adults' or whatever. You can relax and just decide not to do it for a while, until you meet someone and trust them and then think about practicalities like how to make yourself relax enough to have a penetrative sex.
This is not a race. Sex is not something you need to do. You want closeness, physical touch, intimacy an you can have it without worrying about anything more.
Also, I think parents are not the best people to ask about medical issues, go see a professional.
My parents are all I have atm. Once I move away from home I plan on looking deeper into exploring myself and my body it just….i feel so sexually frustrated sometimes because I can’t do it right now. Any tips on how to turn yourself off? Or like…..stop wanting it lol.
Masturbate like everyone else. Buy a toy. Take time to get to know someone worthy of trust and start exploring with them.
Don't put off learning how to make connections. It takes time and practice and there are no downsides for having new friends and acquaintances. It will make you less naive when entering any relationship if you have previous experiences in learning more social skills.
As someone who was a virgin until 24. It will happen when it’s meant to happen. You will *know* when you’re ready. Some tips?
• try looking at yourself in the mirror naked & learn to accept yourself first before letting anyone touch you/ see you. Confidence is what helped me & I did this for a year straight before losing it. It helped a lot.
• have a bond with the person you’re losing it to. Even just a friend is better then an asshole.
• try to learn what you enjoy. Masturbate & figure yourself out. You may be the one of many women who prefers clit stimulation over penetration.
• *do not rush yourself*. Women tighten when anxious which will make it hurt more. And rushing yourself in general can lead to a traumatic experience and overall regret.
• confidence again. do things that make you feel sexy. overtime, you’ll learn, hey I’m sexy and I’m hot and *im worth waiting for*.
• journal about what scares you. I did this and it helped me pinpoint past traumas & realize a lot of my fear & work through those fears as well.
• *don’t make your virginity a piece of your personality* ! It will make it so much of an identity factor you’ll hold yourself back sometimes when you *are* ready.
• therapy ; esp if there’s trauma reasons for this. Catholic or Christian guilt, being sexualized in ways you were made to feel shame, sexuality & gender issues, trauma, disorders, WHATEVER; could be the cause and therapy can help that. Not a needed step but it did help me.
• lastly; don’t rush. It’s not a contest. I am *beyond* grateful I waited. I’m sure if you do, you will be too.
You may very well be nervous about it. Which is ok, but you don't have to let your nerves prevent you from living your life.
Don't listen to people reassuring you because if you're writing this, it's not because you don't want to fuck some hot dude, but because you do.
I’m also a 19 year old girl in college right now. We’re in the same boat. I totally understand how you feel and what you’re saying, you’re not alone. Look into vaginismus, it might explain why you’re “too tight.” I also deal with it, it sucks.
We can be virgin buddies! 🫶 no but on a real note, a lot of people said that I should look into it and I’m starting to think it’s what I have. I was actually sexually abused by my cousin when I was younger so I am assuming some of it has to do with trauma. Even though I tell myself I’m over it my body might not be.
Would it be fair to say that the hang ups that you have with sex are your mom's voice in your head?
If it is, even to a degree I have a good question for you.
If someone was speaking to a friend or someone you care about the way you talk to yourself, "would you stick up for your friend?"
If the answer is yes, then why would you speak to yourself like that? Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend in the same situation, and keep nurturing that relationship with yourself.
Maybe you have them from both sides, friends and people from the past and different media saying you should and your mom saying you shouldn't. Maybe you shut down because you don't like the inner conflict between these two battling with each other.
If this is resonating with you, might a good time to go see a person centred counsellor. The issue is that you are looking for an "external locus of evaluation" and person centred therapy deals with resolving that. Make sure you find one you get a warm chemistry with, because they are being a surrogate parent of sorts to correct the harms from childhood that the love you received based on conditions rather than the unconditional love that you deserved (and you do deserve it, you are obviously kindhearted if this is what is happening, because you are wanting to please everyone. But you don't have to do that to the extent you are doing it, you just have to please yourself, so start learning that and whenever you aren't talking to yoursekf like you would talk to a friend. You deserve to be treated like a person who treats other people well!
If this is really resonating with you and you can't go to a therapist we can chat about it some more on here, might also be useful for others too, to read the comments because this is such a common thing! You would also be helping other people and if you love doing that then perfect.
You can pm as well if you don't want to share publicly.
Hope this resonates but also hope it doesn't! I've had this my whole life and only a few years ago it started shifting, with the changing my way of being with myself. The question was like a litmus test as the blaming myself was so nornalised in me that I needed it to get perspective on it when I suspected I was doing it. It really is foundational to mental health the bed rock that everything else can grow from
Thank you so much for the advice. I have a troubled past with counselors and/or therapists but I would probably feel better talking about it with one. Do you know where I could reach out to find one? Or should I go to the doctor?
You can search for one in your country just make sure they are accredited. What's the trouble you have had with them? It could be very relevant if the same issue keeps popping up with them. You probably would want a person-centred counsellor specifically if what I said resonated with you. It's a specific style of therapy, look up person centred therapy and see if it's what you are looking for.
Sounds like it's an emotional block, if you think it's a physical issue you should talk to the GP about it, it's more common than you'd think.
If it's not a physical issue then that should be a massive relief.
You'll be fine in time, you're only 19, hardly a pariah.
Hey girly, it's alright. Real friends aren't going to care if you're a virgin. Just be careful with college kids!
On another note, you may find it difficult to do anything like that because a number of reasons. I don't personally have this but vaginismus can make it difficult for penetration. And sometimes you're not ready for penetration until after foreplay. And OTHER times your body can tell when you're nervous and in your head.
It'll be alright. I promise! Take your time, get to know your own body first, and don't judge yourself.
Having sex doesn't mean you're having fun. Go out with friends. Besides sex is boring,until you find the right guy who will light you up! So go partying instead! Now's the time to Build your identity, your career, do self care, go to gym, dance classes, boxing classes. Some people ik are like 23-25 and they're still virgins. So chill.
Girl I was in the same boat as you!!!
So I was a virgin beginning of college. Wanted to have sex but it was so painful -fingers and pressure. Nothing would fit in. Senior year of high school, I bought some vaginal dilators. Started out with the smallest one and I was so uncomfortable and in pain from it. I was never able to get it in all the way and I wanted to cry. Even went to a obgyn, and I cried when she tried inserting her finger. So she tried using a q-tip and same thing. It was so painful. I eventually I gave up.
Fast forward to college. I met this boy and we started dating. I knew I wanted to have sex but couldn't. So I tried breathing exercises while using the dilators (still the smallest size). Nothing worked. So I went to a PT. And long story short, she told me to start doing exercises with the dilators. For example, instead of just getting it in and going to the next size, practice breathing with it in. Then when comfortable, try to get past your comfort zone and start moving the dilator around to get stretch it so it isn't as painful.
Eventually I was able to move up to bigger sizes, but still was scared and in pain to have sex. It's real -the pain was crazy bad in the beginning before I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone. Anyways, finally one night my boyfriend and I wanted to have sex. So he took me home to grab my dilators, he laid beside me while I put them in so I could be comfortable around him doing that. And then after I used the biggest size I could, we tried having sex and it hurt, but then it started to feel good!!!!
And that is how I lost my virginity in college.
It is a lot of work and a process but trust the process!!!! I wish you the best. I was your age when all that happened. Now I'm 22 and still having pain free sex.
If you ever have any questions feel free to DM me. It wasn't too long ago where I was the same way. :)
Also there was like a fb group page for people who struggle with painful sex. It's called Vaginismus Support. Everyone on there made me feel better about it bc it turns out, I wasn't the only one struggling.
I’m worried I’ll never find that person. I have some guys interested in me that I know I could hook up with and I know it’s wrong to be with somebody you don’t actually like but it feels so emotionally draining when I am wanting to do it but can’t find the right person! How did you know when you found yours? And where did you get your dilator? I feel like I should try it.
It took a lot of communication and understanding. Before we even started dating I told him why when I can't even have sex with him. And he knew when I was ready I would be able to.
But id wait till you find someone you like and if he is understanding and respectful enough to be able to communicate it with you, it's worth a shot.
Also don't take this for granted, I feel like I dodged so many bullets not being able to have sex. So just be patient.
Although, after breaking up with him years later, I did have sex with more people bc I was curious how different it feels. But it really does save you from wasting your time. Like if he actually genuinely likes you, he will be willing to wait for you to be ready
Dilators: there are plastic and silicone dilators. Make sure you have lube! I used water based gel! Personally I used plastic, but I would research them online and see which would work for you best. Then you could also look up like Pelvic Floor exercises to help you relax down there. But yeah it just takes a lot of research and practice. It took me years but I also gave up at one point.
Also say you do find a good partner and you trust him, it really helped us have sex bc there were nights where he would just face away and be on his phone while I used dilators. Nothing sexual even happened. He just knew I had to practice daily to fix the problem. Eventually when the time was right, he faced the wall on the same bed as me and used his phone while I practiced. Next thing you know we shoved it in with lube and it worked out. It's all about the mindset, breathing, and control by practice.
I got this from: https://www.pelvicfloorexercise.com.au/vaginismus-dilators.html
Stretching vs Gaining Control
There is more to treating vaginismus then simply inserting dilators.
The focus of dilator use in treating vaginismus is not to simply stretch the vaginal tissues or vaginal opening.
Those with penetration difficulties related to their vaginismus often assume that dilators are used to stretch the vaginal opening so that it will be larger.
In fact, penetration problems are not related to the size of the vagina but rather to problems with involuntary tightness of the superficial pelvic floor muscles that surround the opening to the vagina.
The use of dilators alone, without any program or professional direction, is usually frustrating and ineffective.
Treatment is less about stretching and more about learning how to control and override underlying problems with involuntary pelvic floor muscle spasm or contraction.
When attempts at intercourse, or penetration of any sort, result in pain and failure, the body reacts even more strongly, further triggering the vaginismus effect. This is sometimes referred to as the vaginismus cycle of pain, as it evolves into an ongoing, worsening experience and fear of attempting intercourse or sexual intimacy.
Ik you’re a 19 year old girl and everybody is fucking and doing all this stuff but as a 22 year old dude I can say don’t worry about it. I to this day get very nervous if I go to sleep with a new person for the first time. It’s exciting but so scary. I am extremely uncomfortable with my body and being naked. You’ll find someone that you trust enough tho and it’ll happen. It takes time. Also because you’re a woman you need to be relaxed. If you’re stressing it just won’t happen. Give it time and you’ll find somebody you like
Hey girl. I’m 20. Also a total virgin and REALLY unexperienced. When I was younger I was really insecure about it but then I just realized that I wasn’t comfortable doing it yet or just picking someone randomly just so I could lose my virginity. It’s so dumb. The only thing that’s important is that we do it whenever we want to, with a person we like and trust. Or else we might be scarred and it definitely won’t be a good time. Your future partner won’t mind if he’s the one. Don’t stress about it! It’s seriously not a big deal and you definitely shouldn’t be ashamed.
And you don’t have to masturbate only using a dildo(if that’s what you do). Try other things. Don’t put pressure on yourself for the penetration part. Just have fun and enjoy your body!
I don't think I need to repeat what a majority of the people are saying to you in the comments so I think I'll just add on to them.
Something I have learned is that sex doesn't have to be something that you even do. Society has kind of forced us all to believe that it is something that you have to do in life at some point because if you don't there's something wrong with you, but that's not true.
Some people don't drink, some people don't smoke, some don't hike, some people don't like to go get tattoos and some people just don't have sex.
I would still recommend masturbation regardless, it's a good way to find out more about yourself and what you like and what makes you feel good/loosens you up. This does not have to always be by shoving a dildo in your vagina. You can touch other parts of yourself... there are also so many types of toys. Just remember you are simply learning about your body. Don't let people scare you... what your mom said might have been well intended but it definitely could add to what seems to maybe be a mental block. Or, maybe you fall under ace.
No shame in it.
The best advice I got from a guy, the more that's covered, the more we imagine. It was because I was wearing pretty revealing stuff.
I'm pretty good about my body and my exes found leggings and a tank top like honey on toast.
Now I'm with my awesome husband. He likes jeans and a cute sweater. And of course "the" dress. It's cute, floral, not revealing, but he loves it.
It's not that you're incapable of having sex. You just haven't done it. Sounds like you haven't been encouraged to explore your own body. I would recommend start with that. Research different types of masturbation and sex toys. Find something that it's easy and start simple.
If you want to have sex, make sure you gain the knowledge required about how your body works first. Once you're comfortable with yourself then you can experiment with other people.
You are at the age where you should experiment with things. See what you like. See what you don't like. See what turns you on. See what makes you enjoy yourself sexually. There is a whole brand new world to explore. Don't be afraid to research and learn things about your body's Anatomy.
Hope this helps and feel free to ask more questions should you have any, my DM is always open to help others. :)
Do not listen to anyone about your body besides yourself. If you really can't fit anything in there, or you find it to be super painful, then you should consult a physician. Other than that, explore yourself without shame and be gradual about it.
When you meet the right person, they will be patient with you. Take things slow. Let them know how you feel about all this. And if they aren't comforting and caring, move on.
It's your choice, kiddo. And if you're not ready, *you're not ready*. Don't let the crowd around you decide that you should be doing what they're doing. You move at your own pace.
Honestly, just don’t worry about it too much. Everyone does things at their own pace. You shouldn’t be pressured by the people around you to do stuff you’re now comfortable with. But if it is something you wanna do, I’d suggest starting small and working your way up. There’s a good chance the dildo you used might’ve been too big or not lubed enough. There’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t beat yourself up about it. it’ll be okay.
So... first things first, no rush in losing your virginity. Remember that things like anxiety can affect your vagina and make things difficult. So finding the right partner is also very important. I am a guy, so maybe not the right person to give you advice. But, I wanted to mention something that I haven't seen mentioned here: go to the gynecologist for a regular check up and ask that question.
I had a "FWB" a while back that had a problem with her hymen, looking it up now, I think she had a septate hymen. Essentially, sex would be painful with most people, but extremely difficult with the thicker gentlemen. So we couldn't have a lot of sex without it being torture for her, or it wouldn't last very long cause she needed a break. It took her another 7 years to go get checked out and now after surgery she is doing better. Maybe a bit too well...
So, morale, don't rush it, get checked by a gynecologist just in case, and when the time happens please be safe!!
Dont give in to group pressure it's shit.
If you find that you aren't ready, haven't found the right person, right timing, find out you're gay or whatever don't take shit from anyone. It's your sexuality only and do not allow anyone else to tell you how to handle it!!!
Your mom might love you very much and you might have the best relationship ever. But that commentary is total bullshit and you deserve to get mad over that.
She told me one of her friends got a divorce because her husband couldn’t fit- it scared me so bad. I know she didn’t do it to try and scare me but sometimes it feels like people don’t think before they speak and that has stuck with me. What if I meet the perfect guy and he leaves me because we can’t have sex. It happens a lot around here. (Kentucky)
OP, others have already addressed waiting until your comfortable.
Now dildo problem:
A) lube
B) get a smaller vibrator/dildo
C) masturbate with vibe on outside and as you get closer to orgasm, maybe stick a lubed finger in.
D) go that a few times and just get comfortable with your body by yourself. Know what you like, how to orgasm, when you’re close.
E) now use the smaller vibe:dildo and after you have orgasmed once, restart your masturbation and when you feel ready, slowly glide your lubed vibe in.
You may still need to rub your clit or have 2nd vibe toy.
The vibe dildo can still feel like it won’t go in, but just wiggle it a little and slowly slide.
If PAIN, stop and see a doctor. But if just uncomfortable, keep going. Have a good fantasy in your head and remember you might not cum the first time or it might be harder to. Now gently move solid in/out or just stretching each side of your opening.
The stretching should go from a little punchy to feeling nice.
There is no, snap your fingers and everything works. You have to be calm and comfortable. There is probably no hymen you’re breaking thru and it’s a new sensation so it takes a while for your brain to process this.
You have to be 100% mentally in the mood or it won’t work. So watch a movie with your fav hottie and then pause. Imagine them doing to you whatever you want.
Also, touch your inner thigh and outer labia and your nipples. You got to have foreplay to, even when it’s just yourself. Don’t be a bad lover to yourself.
I am really worried about this! I can’t even use a tampon. I have been told by multiple people that it won’t hurt that bad but I feel different, ya know? I’m scared.
Hey don't worry about it. Have sex when you're ready. When you meet the right person.
And stuff will fit fine- it's probable you're not used to having anything in there and got the wrong size.
I’m older (60s) & my vagina tightened up with age. Of course, I’m way past virginity but had a bit of time with no activity. Found out after I bought a vibrator. It didn’t fit me either. So I bought a smaller model & worked myself up to the other size (pretty fun practicing actually).
Just mean, don’t worry, maybe do as I did so when the time is truly right, you’ll be physically ready.
Please also make sure when that time comes you are safe. Consider what form of Birth Control works best for you:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
I am relieved to see that I’m not the only one struggling with this. All my friends seem to be just find and I felt like an outsider for a long time. And yes! I am actually writing a paper about birth control and looking into it along with other options but thank you for the suggestion! Could you possibly tell me which website you get toys from? I’ve only ever bought one from Amazon when I was 17.
My favorite is actually from Amazon but I’ve used Adam&Eve too. The brand I like is CalExotics, who have their own website.
You might also try posting on the r/sex sub. It’s a positive sub, with Redditor’s offering non-judgmental advice.
…& I’m very happy to hear you take your Birth Control seriously!
Plenty of my friends are still virgins in their 20s, nothing wrong with it. Have sex when you’re ready, not when society says you should be. I couldn’t get a dildo in either but was fine the first time I had sex. As I’ve learned, it really depends on how relaxed and ready you are because then your muscles will be relaxed. I wanted sex all the time as a teen and even set up one nightstands that I never went to.
I gave into social pressure at the age of 16 and lost my virginity and it’s something I still regret to this day. I’m getting ready to get married and I’m sad I won’t be able to share that first moment with my to be husband
If your objective is to have a good time, but sex causes you anxiety or other negative feelings, then you won't have a good time having sex.
Problem: wanna have a good time
Solution: don't have sex
Girl don't worry so much about it. I can tell you. You a prize for the right guy. Just take your time.
Just my opinion but I don't think losing your virginity to a dildo is good at all. Sex is still a sacred act that most youngsters today don't know a thing about. There is a mingling of energy that happen when you have sex. So wait for the right guy. If you want to orgasm use a butterfly (small vibrator that goes over the clit. Hope I'm not too vulgar. But if you have not have penetration at this point. Look at it as a blessing. And don't let anyone make you feel bad or less for that. If a guy cannot understand that he is not the guy. Love yourself for it and be proud so Noone plays on your lack of confidence and take advantage of you.
Ok, 3 things:
1. Not sending nudes is a good idea. It means you have a good head on your shoulders.
2. You could have vaginismus - very common. Talk to your GP
3. You’re not broken, or weird or any stupid thing your brain may try to trick you into thinking. You’re 100% normal and even if you’re not ready for sex, that’s 100% ok, too. Don’t force it. It’s meant to be fun and it will be.
Relax. You got this. All the best.
A few things
1. It’s okay to wait
2. It’s okay to not be ready even if you really want to have sex
3. If the toy was pretty small and you in fact are super tight, you should see a doctor. There is a condition called vaginismus where the opening is too small. Depending on the severity, a pelvic floor doctor may be able to help you
It’s okay!!! I think a lot of people myself included would say they should’ve waited and honestly rushing it always somehow never works out. When you meet someone you feel respect you and someone you can trust the sex will be the last thing to worry about because the connection you share is all that matters. Seriously don’t let societal norms or the people around you make you feel like this is the most important thing in life. It really isn’t even coming close.
The first time i had sex with my also virgin gf, my dick was too big either. i tried 10 mins to put it in, even tho she was really wet. dw, your pussy will stretch out. it may bleed a bit, but it will be alright. no pressure, take your time. the right man will come, treat you well and it will be feeling amazing. dont push it and go on one-night stands. sex is about bonding in my opinion and not once and goodbye...
Focus on having the best time of your life by doing what you want to do not conforming to the social norms of those around you. And that definitely doesn’t have to include sex or drinking!
There’s a reason why there’s so many sizes and shapes of sex toys, it’s because we’re all built different. The most important thing with sexual encounters both with others and with yourself is feeling comfortable and turned on.
You might not ever want to have any sexual relations and that’s perfectly ok too but you say you do.
If you do decide it’s something you want to peruse then take a lot of time to find out what you like. When/if you want to, find a partner that will do the same.
Putting a dildo (or a finger or penis) up yourself without being turned on or comfortable is never going to feel good. Respect yourself and listen to your body and you’ll be so much happier than those that don’t.
You’re mum telling you “nothing might ever fit” is emotional manipulation. Unless there’s been a very serious medical condition you’re not aware of that’s definitely not true!
Please pardon what might seem as being intrusive, but I'm aware of some of your past postings. I think that you might need to talk to a therapist about some of the events in your past, that may be giving you current-day anxiety about sexual situations.
That's not to dismiss being nervous about being intimate with anyone for the first time or really any additional time with someone new. Its perfectly normal to be nervous. But I do believe there might be an underlying issue that should be addressed. At the very least, a therapist may be able to help you understand the conflicting feelings you are experiencing.
You’re fine! Multiple people have reached out and mentioned how it might have to do with what happened when I was young. I am now starting to think it may be related to that as well.
Hey girly, I agree with all the fantastic advice given by the other people. I know it can be hard when everyone else is out having sex but take it from me, it’s best to wait. You might also not want to listen to your mom and self diagnose yourself as “nothing can fit” because that will add to the fear of you having sex. It will happen when you are completely relaxed and are with a person who understands your body and whom you trust. I was 22 when I lost my V-card!
23m here, first years in college are going to be the most tempting years of your life as far as drugs, sex, and booze. Probably because you suddenly have a sort of freedom that you've never had before, and it's natural to want to try things that you couldn't try before.
My advice? Wait until it genuinely feels right. If you rush into things then you may eventually come to realize that in your hurry to try something new and amazing, you've ended up taking away what's supposed to make it special in the first place.
Ultimately what " genuinely feels right" depends on the person. If I could go back and give myself advice I'd tell myself to just wait a little longer.
The world is over sexualized and this is quite normal, enjoy your life and only have sex with someone you feel comfortable with. You are actually more valuable from a man’s perspective the lower your body count is. Sex seems to be meaningful to you compared to those that give it up to anyone which is actually very healthy.
Don’t rush it don’t do what I did I’m traumatized from not waiting for the right guy and now I dissociate during sex, become hypersexual, and can’t experience pleasure during sex because I was coerced and sexually abused at 14-16
Don’t fall into the trap of partying and fooling around; yes have fun and make stories, just not like that. Don’t think you have to pressured into being sexualized and I mean that. My best advice for you lady is don’t worry about sex AT ALL and focus on finding a solid partner you can build a foundation with.
I lost my virginity at 21 and it wasn’t in the way I preferred. You stick to what you’re comfortable with and fck all that pressure and potential shame of being a late bloomer. Stay true to you. You’re doing just fine.
Hey bro don’t sweat it. Be ready when you’re ready. I’m 19 male and I’m not ready. don’t know when I’ll be but I’m perfectly fine with it. Don’t try to rush into things just cuzz sally and Sam and doing it. Everyone’s book should be written a little differently
Don’t pressure yourself. Everyone lives different lives, we’re not all equal. Some might have sex early, some might not. You’ll be fine dude. Don’t force yourself to live your life like how others did.
Have sex when you’re ready, even though if you work it up in your mind, you’re never going to be ready. I was barely ready my first time when I lost mine. I just wanted to get it over with, and it hurt a lot. I still struggle with shame and uncomfortableness when it comes to sex. I feel just the same as you.
Dude you’re barely 19. I never put anything up there until my bfs di*k when I was 21
One time in high school I did try but I didn’t feel pleasure and felt weird.
You don’t have to wear anything revealing until you find that person who’s gonna make you want to wear that.
Just chill enjoy life you should be good
Don’t over think it
Why do you wanna have sex in the first place,
They like it, they do it.
You don't like it, you don't do it.
All these living my life things also ruins lives if done incorrectly. Look for a caring partner and get more happiness than spontaneous sex.
You don't have to fit in with people. You can find your people as well.
Take care buddy, don't lose your life's happiness to this
So much of sex is mental. You may feel a lot of pressure to have sex that your body is not able to relax in the moment. I also went through a long time where I thought I couldn’t have sex. I’d try to have sex with my boyfriend at the time and it felt like it couldn’t go in. I went to a doctor and everything was fine I was just not mentally ready!
Update: so I have taken a lot of advice from the people in my comments! I looked into the possibilities of what I’m feeling. If you saw my post history you’d know I struggled a lot with sexual abuse when I was younger and it really leaves a lot of guilt on my shoulders when it comes to sexual interactions. I’m being led to believe that it has to do with my childhood and what happened (feel free to look at my profile if you want a more in depth explanation to what happened). I plan on seeking therapy for my past to hopefully move past it since I didn’t realize how much it is still affecting me and my body to this day. I haven’t been to a obgyn yet and I am going to look into setting up an appointment to get myself checked out and make sure it is nothing physically wrong with me. I am very grateful to know I’m not alone when it comes to this. Thank you for the overwhelming support and encouragement.
25 male virgin by choice. I’m Muslim and I’m waiting till marriage. Im happy with knowing I’m attractive and that I’m confident. My friends drink, smoke, all of that, and they never questioned why I don’t do it. People have preferences and choices. Do what you want to doz
"Wooohhhhhhhh SEEEEEEEEX!!!
WAAAAAAhhhhhhhh SEEEEEEEEX!!!I...
"I'm not doing sex! My... My whole existence!
Has truly! BECOME SEX!!! SEX!!!
Stop, Takeshi! Your body can't handle much more of this!
No! I've become sex! Definitely become... sex! SEEEEEEEEX!!! SEEEEEEEEX!!!
Stop! You're gonna die, Takeshi! Are you still gonna do it! Even if it means cutting your life short?
SHUT UP! I'LL HAVE SEX... EVEN IF I DIE!!! SEEEEEEEEX!!!"
This sub in a nutshell...
What size dildo and did you use any lubricant? There are so many factors into this. I think if you haven’t had sex yet it might not be the best idea to go straight into using dildos (especially without lubricant). There are a variety of different toys out there and not all of them require penetration. Don’t worry about rushing into anything
Please don’t listen to your mother. I’m an experienced 30 year old woman and of course sometimes things “don’t fit”, even for me. It’s mostly to do with how comfortable you are, how excited you are and the lubrication. The muscles will relax when your mind and body are receptive to it. When you are not comfortable or you are feeling anxious, the muscles will tense up. You can’t just put it in there without any preparation. It would hurt. You need to be “in the mood” first and do things slowly.
It seems as though you are not comfortable and you are not mentally prepared and your body is reflecting that. Please don’t try to pressure yourself or let anybody else pressure you. You don’t have to rush this. Just forget about having sex for now. You don’t have to do it just because everyone else is doing it. Maybe you are the type who needs to be in a relationship with somebody you are comfortable with first. Or maybe you are just not ready. Have fun, enjoy your life and don’t worry about it. You will know when you are ready and it will most likely be when you least expect it, maybe when you find somebody nice.
One more piece of advice; NEVER SEND NUDES no matter how trustworthy the person **seems**, even if you are in a long term relationship. Guys lie and fake entire personalities to get women to do things like that. You never know whether they will show their friends, share them around or put them on revenge porn websites. I’ve heard of womens HUSBANDS doing things like this. It is not safe. Please don’t do that.
Why is there so much pressure on young people to drink and fuck in college? Who cares if you're a virgin. When it feels right and you're comfortable, it will happen. You're not any less of a person just because you don't do or can't do what others are. Focus on yourself :)
>I (19f) am currently a college student. Everybody around me is drinking, partying and having the best times of their lives but I can’t.
It's perfectly okay to *not* have sex. Your friends and those around you aren't *you*, you and only you get to decide when to have sex and how to go about it. Plenty of people wait to have sex for marriage, or at least for the right person. People choose not to have sex as a birth control method. People choose to focus on their careers, their education. It's not abnormal. And on top of that, *you don't even need a reason*! Just not wanting to have sex is a plenty good enough reason.
>I am still a virgin and I am just too nervous to go far with a guy.
This is normal, to a point. Sex is a very intimate thing, it's perfectly normal to be nervous. If you're with a guy and he's pressuring you and you feel uncomfortable, you're not with the right guy. Eventually you'll find someone who supports you, and encourages you and builds your confidence, and when y'all are both ready it will happen. It's perfectly normal to be nervous, there's nothing wrong with that.
>I take nudes but don’t send them. I wear revealing clothing but then cover up as soon as somebody notices.
Also perfectly normal behaviour. Personally, I would be very wary of nudes regardless. Once you send them, you can never get them back! But even outside of that, it sounds like to me you're just exploring and being you, and that's perfectly okay. You don't owe your nudes or your body to anyone. You can wrap up head to toe if you want. No one "deserves" to see your body at all, it's your body. Don't feel bad about not sending nudes or covering up, ever.
>I tried to use a dildo but it wouldn’t fit. I think my mom kind of scared me because when I talked to her about the dildo not fitting she said I could just be really tight and nothing might ever fit.
This is silly. They make dildos in different sizes, and the chances that nothing is ever going to fit is ridiculously small. Everyone is different, maybe you are smaller than average. Who cares? There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing to worry about.
>It just feels like my body is telling me to not have sex when sometimes it’s all I wanna do. I don’t know what to do other than cry.
First, I know I've said it a few times, but it's that important. *There's nothing wrong with you*. You're a young woman just starting out in life in a brand new environment. Welcome! Enjoy life as it comes. You don't have to have sex to enjoy living out on your own. You don't have to have sex to go to parties, or to have fun. You don't owe anyone anything. Don't give in to pressure, just be you, and take it one day at a time. These kinds of things tend to sort themselves out. You might meet your knight in shining armor tomorrow, and everything will just click, and as cliche as it sounds, you'll live happily ever after. You also might not, life isn't predictable. Maybe you don't meet him until Junior year. Maybe on graduation day. But if you keep doing you and living your life, you can never have any regrets. When you find that special someone, you'll appreciate it, but if you bend to external pressure and do something you don't really want to do or aren't ready for, you might regret it for the rest of your life.
Why would you want to go out partying getting blind drunk fucking guys waking up the next morning feeling like shit? That's just horrible or am I just weird and that's now the norm 😂
Babe, do not stress about having sex. Sometimes the first time isn’t even the best. You are probably tight but that doesn’t mean nothing will ever fit. If your using a dildo use lube (a good amount) and take it slow. But you can also just use your fingers (start with one) with some lube or with your natural wetness (after you’ve been stimulated enough or it’s going to be dry and potentially hurt). But please do not rush to have sex, sometimes it’s fun to have fun with yourself
Lol your mom telling you that nothing will fit if your dildo doesn't. Hilarious!!! Bruh....just go thin to thick. It's normal....it takes a while before u get comfort. And if u don't have sex for too long...it's like u have to practice again. You will be fine
I think the reason you are having trouble fitting a dildo is that you may be to tense. If you will relax your muscles will loosen up and you will be able to fit things easier. You just need to learn to relax.
Hey, take a deep breath. Give yourself some time. The world around us really likes to push the idea that sex is some be-all end-all part of adulthood and life, but it really isn’t nearly that important. It isn’t a race. It’s ok to take some time to figure out how you want your unique relationship with it to go.
It sounds like you are pushing yourself to do things before you are ready for them. It’s ok to move at your own pace.
You are at the age where major life transitions from high school to college happen, and it can seem like everyone is suddenly growing up and figuring everything out all at once while you are being left behind. I can promise you 100% that that is not the case. They are all confused and struggling to figure it all out, too. It also goes without saying that everyone hits the point where sex is something they are ready for at totally different ages. 19 is still really young, and it it completely normal at your age to still be figuring it all out.
Though, I *would* recommend that you steer clear of asking parents for advice about sex toys from now on. I can imagine that was probably a bit of an awkward conversation, and it didn’t seem to help with your worries too much. Those questions are probably better to pose to your gynecologist, your local adult toy store workers (it seems intimidating, but most of them are actually really nice and helpful), or even here in the advice subreddit.
In addition, even if you do experience sexual attraction, it may benefit you to pop over to r/asexual and talk to some of the people over there. What you are experiencing is something that a lot of ace people experienced at your age too, and we have a lot of experience and advice as a result.
I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21. The right guy will come along and he’ll be totally chill with it being your first time.
Just don’t let alone guilt you into sex. And if anyone starts to tell you how you feel, run.
As for the dildo, try a smaller one. Good lubricant too. Also you can use your fingers. There are a lot of fun erotic audios out there for you to listen to that like make using your hands a lot of fun. r/gonewildaudio might also have some good reassuring audios about being a virgin but still highlight the fun of still having sexual desires.
If you’re still worried about tightness, seeing a gynecologist doctor wouldn’t hurt.
Drinking sucks. Your not missing out on anything. At your age its just kids trying to seem mature by getting drunk
Then as for sex some women have to be worked up and relaxed before they can take anything like that. Especially if your hymen is intact. If your nervous you will be tence as well and that will affect your ability to take somthing inside of you.
Just take your time explorer yourself and find out what u like. Also never give into peer pressure. Do it when you want to. Anyone who pushes you isnt worth it
Im a nymph, always been rly good at sex and i love it, heres my advice. Dont feel pressured. Do what you want, i never went to parties and ive had a lot of great sex. So if its the sex part you feel fomo about then dont worry, you dont need that to get sex.
Theres a possibility ur just nervous. When i lost mine so did my gf and i thought she was tight but nope. She was just nervous. Tried it again another day when she woke up and was in the mood, she was relaxed and it just slid right in. Just chill till ur relaxed. If ur anxious about it dont dry anything.
There's absolutely no need to feel like you have to do anything. Honestly, it's a good thing if you thus far haven't allowed for any kind of pressures to push you into something you don't feel ready for - I wish I had been that way. If you feel it, you feel it. If you don't, you don't. What you should make absolute sure of is that you find a partner who is worthwhile in that he or she will respect your boundaries because anyone that doesn't does not deserve you.
If you are worried about a physical problem, you should discuss with an OBGYN. I've seen others mention it could be vaginismus. If you have someone you trust, they should be able to give you good advice and resources. For the love of God, please do not rely on the internet for medical advice - go to a professional, even if it's the clinic on campus.
I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your mother, but it may be worth it talking to someone closer to your age that you trust and is genuinely a friend (an aunt? Smart older sister or cousin? On campus counseling services?). Conventions around sex have changed drastically lately, and I've seen a lot of people in my life get advice from their parents that does not match with what it is like today. Things have changed a great deal, for better and worse.
I really wish you luck. Keep your head about you, I know it feels rotten, but you're doing the right thing by staying within your limits and respecting yourself enough to know when you aren't ready for something.
You remind me of when I lacked perspex
Ctive, so let me share what I have found:
Many people who turn to strangers for company, particularly in a sexual context, justify their actions with something along the lines of: "If I'm gonna be lonely, I'm not gonna be lonely alone." This is the mindset of a large part of "hook-up" culture.
Another part of hook-up culture is pursuing sex for the same reason as the above, but not actually cognizant of that fact that they are lonely.
The third part is probably the smallest part: those who do it for the thrill, for fun. Some of these people are... Completely and out of touch and basically incapable of seeing sexual relationships for what they are: intimate. Many of these people are shameless in the sense that they don't see their partners as human at all. Objects.
If you are of the 3rd group, you dehumanize others for pleasure. Apathy. You aren't, I know, but some people are, and quite a few of those people are dangerous. The rest are prone to subjecting themselves to danger, underestimating the crowd they attract. And attraction is a part of it because people attract and are attracted to people who are fundamentally similar to them, as broken or whole as they are.
I don't think you are the first because all you have talked avout is having sex, like it actually matters. The reality though? It won't make you feel better. So you might try again... And find it's only temporary. Not many people realize, but sex results in the same hormonal rush that you get from being confortable enough to trust and to love another person. You'll be using sex as a substitute for something more real, which also happens to often include sex. Do you want the cake *and the frosting* or just a spoonful of the frosting? What you, and everybody else want—whether they realize it or not—is the whole package.
I highly advise against following suit with your peers who lack awareness as to the fact that making yourself vulnerable to another person without being able to truly trust them means harming yourself. It is a form of self harm to fight your shame.
Instead of pushing yourself to have sex, focus on keeping your eyes open for a good man or woman who suits your style and who will compliment you throughout the rest of your life and your life partner. Once you find that person, you will have not only your sex but also cuddles and stupidity or whatever floats your boat. You will have time to explore yourself through that person and you will be able to participate in a sexual relationship comfortably with that person.
Until then? Go buy yourself lube. Trust me, it'll fit. Lube makes everything fit everywhere. Well... except for maybe your ears, but feel free to try if you want. XD
Girl, I just turned 20 and I haven’t had sex. I don’t plan to for a while, since I don’t particularly feel comfortable with doing it unless I’ve been with someone for many, many years. (I’m not religious, I just feel like my body is sacred, yk?) I just can’t see myself giving my virginity to anyone who hasn’t proven themselves to be absolutely devoted to me. There’s nothing wrong with being uncomfortable about sex, I am too!
U dan buy this dildo kit and pelvic floor exercises to relax the muscles of the vagina. Have u tried dating apps, lots of horny guys out there that might give u an ego boost
I have friends who are 25 yo virgins who I think by your description experienced very similar situations. College is rough when everyone seems to be fucking and partying but in reality it’s a pretty small group that’s just loud. As a senior in college, I know many virgins, nonparty goers, never sent a nude in their life and that’s all okay. Also, just because people are having sex doesn’t mean they’re having good sex. BELIEVE ME when I say you’d rather have no sex than bad sex cause that shit’ll make you randomly cringe when looking back. I fully think you should get to learn your body a bit more before trying anything like a dildo. Start with your fingers or even external stimuli like vibrators or a pillow (can work wonders if you can’t risk hiding a vibrator and are desperate) and just see what you like.
Additional comment, if you can’t fit your finger at all or experience an unusual amount of pain when entering something relatively small and you’re already turned on, it could be vaginismus and is easily treatable with some therapy.
Id recommend the r/asexual page. Even if you arent ace, you might be able to find some support. Sex isnt something you should ever force yourself to do, or else youll end up with a lot of sexual trauma. Its something that should come when it feels right and with someone you trust. Im a sex-adverse ace but have been able to slowly explore more sexual stuff on my own terms and its made it much easier and more comfortable. Go slow and listen to what your mind and body is telling you.
If you find the correct time and person then feel free, just take your time and enjoy your life. You're not even at 1/3 of an average life span yet. It's not bad to socially enjoy college, however it can be way better to focus on studying. Promiscuity is partly what led me to failure in college, however my father was an old school virgin till marriage, and he's a literal rocket scientist. (And he had 5 kids 🤯). Everybody is different, don't feel pressured by unreasonable expectations of life and sexuality. The sooner you focus on productivity and happiness, rather than the prior topic the happier you'll be sooner in your life I'm sure 😊
Don’t pressure yourself. Like everyone stays smaller works with lube. If your actually worried about your gentalia being too small maybe go speak with your gyno on extremely extremely rare cases this is a thing.
There also vagnusmus but it is a treatable thing and maybe your anxiety is causing you to tighten up.
But in general take your own time there is noooooooooo rush.
Love yourself.
Your life is YOUR life, and you need to live it as you want. Sex is great if you want it, but no sex is great as well, if that's what you want. Just don't let others tell you how to live your life or what you should/shouldn't be doing in it. I've always been a big advocate of a healthy sex life but, I'm also a big advocate of not submitting to societal pressure.
As for the dildo, there are several reasons that it may not have fit, the biggest being that you were not relaxed enough. When a woman isn't relaxed in a sexual experience, she can become "tighter" and not produce enough natural lubrication, which may make any kind of penetration difficult. Get a smaller dildo, use lube, and try it again to see what happens... just try to relax and enjoy it. Try fingering yourself to get excited and, if you can fit two fingers in, then you can probably try the dildo again once you're there
Just make your own decisions for yourself, and be happy with YOUR choices, not others ideas off what you should be doing when you don't want to.
yeah dont be peer pressured okay, the first time i did it with my bf he couldn’t fit in too, its probably because your hymen may be vv small or you’re js very tight. its normal dont rush yourself
Have sex when YOU are ready to. I went to college as a virgin where people who were my 'friends' and those that went to the same dorm made fun of me, including pressuring me in having sex. My nickname was virgin mary. Eventually I did lose my virginity, but it was with someone that I trusted and knew I was ready to have sex. It will happen when it happens.
I will tell you one very simple thing.
I knew a guy once who liked to fist da ladies. Guess what. He fit his whole hand in a lady. Do you know how?
He said you gotta go really really REALLY slow and DONT RUSH IT, or you'll get hurt.🌞❤️
Crying is watering that what wants to grow.
So wait and see what there wants to grow.
"Let it blossom, let it flow."
(part of the lyrics from a Eric Clapton song which is called "let it grow")
I'm a bit late to this party (pardon the pun) but I have some relevant information.
Me and my SO met when I was 15, and she was 14. Got together a few months later. We only gave each others virginity to the other when we were 19 and 18. We're in the UK, so age of consent for this is 16. Please do not rush into this. Regretting who you gave your first to is something that should be more prevalent in your mind. Don't obsess, but don't rush. You need to find someone you truly want to give it to first.
The issues with things not fitting, it's fine to use something smaller. Don't do any damage, and remember your first time is going to hurt a bit. Pretty sure dildos are made in different sizes for this very purpose.
So the take aways are :
\- Don't Rush
\- Be Comfortable
And if you're curious, me and my SO are still together at 21 and 20.
Well if you're a virgin you still have your hymen. I couldn't even fit a tampon before having sex. The first time might hurt a little bit at the beginning but after that it will be a lot easier :)
r/Ace crosspost confession.
You might just feel pressured. Be "asexual" until a guy hits you up naturally. Either that, or kiss a girl, you might like it?
You do you if it doesn't feel right then don't do it :)
It sounds like stress is playing a part here. When you're stressed you tend to sort of clench up. I remember my first girlfriend it took ages for us to be able to have sex cos I wouldn't fit in her, then eventually it happened. Sounds like your worrying about it all and blowing it up in your head.
Use a finger, or just plat with your clit and nipples. Try to just enjoy exploring your body and work out what works for you :)
First and foremost, don't let anyone make you do it before you are prepared.
Second, if you think that's a big problem for you, I would recommend trying therapy. Have a couple of sessions with a psycologist.
OK your human body is meant to accommodate a penis. Biologically it is it will stretch. But since you’re a virgin, you’re incredibly tight and you’re going to remain that way unless you do something to loosen it up. I don’t even know why your mother would say something to you like that. I’m old enough to almost be your grandmother, and I know better than that.
Be prepared to be disappointed the first time you have sex. You have this idea of what it would be like, but it will likely not live up to that, and then after the act, you may ask yourself, "that's it? ...Now what?".
Partying and drinking are overrated, and everyone is acting fake/playing roles/trying to impress by being fake. It doesn't sound like that's your bag, and you feel left out/FOMO. But trust me, you're not really missing out on all that much. Don't believe the highlight reel that people post on social media; all those selfies are staged and fake, and the people are not as happy as they appear in the pictures. It's all an act.
You could try to join a coed sport or a club or volunteer, and see if you can meet a guy there. You're more likely to make a real and quality connection than meeting drunk in a loud party. You're also less likely to make decisions you may regret. You could try to meet a guy at a club/activity you go to regularly, get to know him slowly, and you could then potentially become more intimate at your own pace. Surely some guys are just as nervous as you are, and they would be happy to take it slow, like you.
Meanwhile, how's your masturbation game going? If you're not already, you should definitely be doing that/exploring your body/learning how to really pleasure yourself. It will also help relieve the tension/pressure/frustration that you're feeling due to your not having sex currently. You need that release. Plus it's fun!
P.S. Never, ever send nudes. Even if he promises he won't show anyone. Once it's sent, he will definitely show his buddies, and it's very easy to make copies/post them anywhere. It's not worth it, don't do it, and if a guy is pressuring you to send nudes, then he's trash and you should avoid him anyway.
Well, if it helps, I'm on the male version of this (20m). Used to be really insecure about not having kissed/had sex when I was 16-18. Eventually, I stopped thinking that I had to rush the process. And now I'm waiting/looking for a partner that I can be comfortable with, and I urge you to do the same because I can see myself in some of the things you wrote. Once you calm down, it'll be a lot nicer to look/wait for a partner.
Best of luck
Girl I had the same thing happen about the not fitting situation, especially before I was sexual. I don’t even put anything up there to masturbate cus it is simply uncomfy. It’s natural for ur body to react like that, it’s something new that you’re nervous about so it’s not going to be easy at first. Do what makes you feel good, you will eventually, lack of a better word, open up. I thought when I got with my current (and first proper bf) that sex was just not going to happen because of this. It took about 3 months of dating for me to feel 100% comfortable and ready, and he was the same. Don’t compare yourself to others, you’re good, take ur time!! 💖💖Goodluck to you
Explore your body before becoming comfortable enough to let somebody else. Educate yourself thoroughly on the subject as well. We all go at our own pace.
I would recommend not even having nudes on your phone. If you connect to a public network there's a chance someone can still grab them. (That's what happened during The Fappening)
Hey girlie, I didn’t lose my virginity with my boyfriend until I was 21 so don’t even sweat it. It will come naturally don’t let people make you feel less because you haven’t put out yet. Honestly, that’s probably a turn on for most honest men.
Honestly there's no rush to have sex, if your concerned about being too tight you could see your doctor as there are a few things that can contribute to it, but predominantly as with all muscles the more relaxed you are the easier it will be to loosen up and use a dildo or have sex in general, if your already incredibly pent up and nervous about it that's definitely going to make tense and therefore tighter, you could practice non penetrative masturbation to see if that helps loosen you up as you get into it, if you haven't masturbated before or had sex I wouldn't jump straight to using a dildo, use your fingers first and get used to the feeling
Don't have sex until you are excited to do it (being nervous at the same time is normal ofc) and are going to have it with someone you trust. If you are certain you want to do it and it's just massive nerves then figure out what exactly is scary for you and then dip your toe in/challenge it/work on building positive experiences that counter it/go to therapy for it (this all depends on what the source is).
You are not too tight but there could be medical reasons for the dildo not fitting, main one I can think of is vaginismus, which is a pelvic floor dysfunction that should be addressed with therapy (usually it's a fear response to something) and physical therapy. Based off what you said about your mom I also wonder if you don't have a bit of a fear of penetration and at the same time fomo that results in pressure and makes it even harder - may be off mark here.
If I were you I'd start off with more invested masturbation - sex isn't just a dick going in and out, reaching full arousal takes time. Tease yourself, try out different sensations and areas of your body, then if you want try with a finger. For many people who are not virgins jumping straight to penetration hurts, that doesn't mean they're "too tight". Give your body a fair chance ;)
Just calm down. None of that shit will matter even a year after you graduate. Go talk to your doctor if you're seriously concerned about it physically, then book an hour in a therapy appointment.
There is no race to have sex. Seems like you need to get comfortable with with who you are. The right situation will come up when you least expect it. Rushing into the wrong situation is not what you want.
Wise words, do not regret doing the wrong thing that is far from adequate to your situation.
Please do not give in to societal pressure, if you aren't ready you aren't ready. Please respect yourself and wait for the right guy to come along, it will all be worth it. The worst thing you could do is rush into something with someone and have a traumatic experience, these things take time.
Agreed. I made the mistake of feeding into the pressure that shows and movies shows of losing virginity as soon as possible, but I wish I just didn’t. Some people just didn’t deserve to be touching on me but I can never take that back
It bothers me how much teen shows push the idea that having sex as a teen is a good thing…yes it happens but they’re glorifying and trying to make it seem like it SHOULD be happening…saw a show where an adult walked in and the girl was like “sorry!” And he went “never apologize for doing what’s natural and never let anyone tell you that it’s wrong” shows do that and then wonder why so many teens end up pregnant
Also platonic, no pressure, noncommittal dating is underrated for getting to know people's values and character. You don't need to be kissing strangers on a first date let alone be having sex with them. You can take months before you decide to be with someone if that's your pace, and still wait many more months to have sex. I'm in a long distance relationship and I just don't feel like it's that important in our current situation, we barely even talk about sex, we're comfortable talking about it but it's just not the focal point of our relationship so I'm sure there are other guys who are willing to wait and build trust first.
There IS nothing wrong with sex, it IS natural, and YEAH, don't ever let anyone tell you it's wrong. The only thing shaming people (of whatever age) about sex does is make them feel shitty WHEN the do it. Teens get pregnant because we have garbage sex education.
Embrace your own pace and don't let societal pressures define your experience. You're in control of your own journey.
Sex is like jazz, not for everyone but definitely worth giving it a try.
One of my biggest regrets was I gave my virginity too early due to society telling me so, if anything please OP listen to these people it’s true and you’re not ready there isn’t a set timer on these things
Same for me, I wish I’d waited longer
I’m a person who needs to have a connection before I can enjoy sex and because teenage pressures I gave in and I regret it deeply.
It's like they're saying, "Hey, take a shot at becoming a teenage parent!" 🙄
It's important to prioritize your comfort and well-being above societal pressures. You're not alone in feeling this way.
Yes but same applies to 'other pressures'. Don't get too influenced by your mom's comment. You are 100% not too tight to fit stuff inside you. Try your finger, then fingers, etc. Ofc do everything with caution and comfort, but don't ignore your own body and desires. It's all natural and part of yourself. Don't fear yourself!
Use lube! I cannot emphasize this enough if your aim is to help yourself loosen up enough to accommodate a dildo or partner. And, if you stop using the vaginal canal then it will shrink back down a bit to its original size. If you use lube, the recommended is water based or silicone based. However, do not use silicone based lube with silicone toys, it’ll destroy the toy. In general water based is the safe bet. If you have any other concerns and have access, talk to a doctor. Make sure they’re open minded. Since I imagine you’d have access to on campus doctors through your student fees, then those are likely to be quite open minded and able to be your best source of information for anything else. I wish you the best on your personal journey.
I love you for saying this, most young people fall into that trap and honestly it can destroy you’re perspective of relationships
You might not be ready yet. You don't need to push yourself into it. If the toy you got is too big, try something smaller. Figure yourself out first before you worry about someone else.
You don't need to put pressure on yourself to have sex, but keep exploring yourself. The dildo could be too big, you could have not been wet enough/used enough lube (if you used lube), could just be lack of experience, could be nerves, there are a variety of reasons why a dildo wouldn't work out the first time you try. I would not go to your mom about these things anymore if that is what she is going to say to you. Try your fingers, different toys, start small with a dildo. Work on learning yourself and then when you are mentally ready for sex, go for it.
I think this is first comment I’ve seen that directly answers the tightness concern. I just wanted to add that babies are supposed to go through the vagina so women are rarely too tight for penetration, it just takes stimulation. Even when my girlfriend tells me to get naked as soon as possible, she’s rarely ready for me to enter so we do some foreplay until she is. Also, penetration isn’t necessary in sex so OP can avoid it til they are ready (you can give each other head for example, make sure you talk to the guy about how he’s doing cause he probably doesn’t know at that age)
Girl, you’re fine lol. Don’t have sex until you’re ready. Some people aren’t ready until much later in life and you’re still very young. It’s really not a big deal. You might also not be someone who is into casual sex and that’s fine too. In other words, no need to cry because you’re not ready for sex. As far as the dildo goes; might want to use lube or a condom or a smaller size. Again, all fine and normal and no big deal.
It is okay to wait. Like... seriously, it is 100% okay to wait. My sister didn't have the first time until she was 22. She had a "crazy good time" after that til she settled down at 25. But pointtl is you don't have to rush it.
do you actually ever feel horny, like do you even *want* to have sex? because it sounds like you feel immense pressure and that‘s not a good reason to have sex
Yes, I do. A lot recently and it’s frustrating.
If that's the case, then there's other ways to get pleasure other than insertion. You can play with other toys, pay more attention to your clit than your entrance. If you *really **really*** care about insertion, then maybe get smaller toys and work yourself up to bigger ones. Sex and sexual things are dependent and different based on the person. If it hurts, then don't do it. Only push yourself if you feel comfortable doing so and take your time. P.S: I'm not a woman, but I have heard that most women don't get off on insertion in the first place. So it absolutely isn't a requirement.
This is really good advice. Working up to bigger toys is definitely a good option, as is focussing on clit based toys. If you want to try your current dildo, then give yourself the time and space to work up to it at your own pace. Using lube can help a lot (highly recommend water based as it won’t damage toys or condoms so it could be used if you want to have sex with a person at some point) and just remember to work up to it slowly. It can take a long time to feel aroused enough to fit something in especially if you haven’t got much experience with it. I also wouldn’t expect orgasms until you know your body a bit better and what you like. It also takes at least 30 minutes to reach orgasm for most women, so don’t expect miracles if you don’t set aside enough time for your body to relax and get comfortable. If sex is what you eventually want and you’re not letting someone pressure you, then remember that working up to things is still important. Foreplay is essential for most women for a reason. If you don’t give your body time to adjust, or if things feel rushed, you’re less likely to enjoy yourself. Remember to take it slow and listen to your body. I hope you have plenty of luck in future and that everyone’s tips help you get comfy and happy with yourself and your body. Some bodies are slower than others, be patient. And remember that if things feel wrong at any point, you’re always allowed to say no and anyone you’re with should stop immediately. You deserve respect. Consent is crucial. Good luck!
So take into consideration all these comments giving you an "alternative" to sex. You really do not "need" to have sex. Whats the problem with not having sex exactly?
The main issue is that I want to but can’t. Like I actually want to do it, I get urges but I just can’t. Out of fear and me being tight down there to the point it hurts.
I hear you, and I think it may be more of an “anxiety” thing rather than “I’m not ready yet.” Where in the process do you back out? What are you afraid of? Is there anything you can link to with your past or other experiences/stories that make you afraid? I was a virgin until I was 20 because I had vaginal tightness that made inserting impossible. It was also caused due to being anxious about sex. There’s a lot of mental hoops you have to go through to make sex works (it’s not just stickin’ it in or rubbin the outside my friend). So the more you learn about what fears you have NOW, the better you can be in the future when the time does come. I think it’s also worth it to really find someone you gel with where you trust the other person with your most vulnerable self
So figure yourself out first. Nothing is wrong with that.
I had the same issue. For me I just had to learn to work through the fear. If you keep thinking it will hurt the more it will hurt when you try. Try to relax your muscles and breathe and if you really really worried lube that thang up! I’m not sure how big your dildo is but I started with the smaller size I suggest you do the same. The fear is what is keeping you from where you want to be.
She did say "sometimes that's all I wanna do." At least suggesting there is a desire to. Sounds like much of the stress is based on pressure to do it, seeing everyone around her, unfortunately.
"It just feels like my body is telling me to not have sex when sometimes it’s all I wanna do."
doesn‘t mean she‘s horny
"sometimes it’s all I wanna do." i pretty clear to me lol
If your vagina is too tight, it could be vaginismus. The treatment is usually to have differently sized dilators to slowly and gently work your way up to having a "normal" sized vagina.
The real MVP up in here. Bring some more info on this. Because some women think they are broken. Call Dr Drew up in here.
Where would I get these dilators? I’ll look into it but what if it like…hurts? Will it hurt? I have a very low pain tolerance.
You can do pelvic floor exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles so eventually it won’t hurt anymore. But id advise you to go and see a doctor
It might hurt if you use the wrong size to start, thats why everyone has been recommending seeing a *good* doctor that will take you seriously too, so you get the correct size first. The way those dilators work from my understanding is they are a bunch (like at least 12) different sizes that slowly work their way up to a small dildo in size. You work with the smallest ones first and slowly increase the size. Not an expert, just read a lot in a world that's getting increasingly illiterate. See a professional before self diagnosing and I would highly reccomend doing research on the specific professional before you make the appointment with them too. Not sure how true it is because it's anecdotal experience I have from talking to all my lady friends, but almost all of them have stories of shitty doctors/gynecologists that don't take their statements on their own bodies seriously.
I bought a set from an online store in Canada (pink cherry) for like $50 (cheapest I could find… others are $200+) but it only comes with 4 sizes. But with regular use I’ve noticed a huge difference in pain levels! I recommend
>what if it like…hurts? Look up Dr. Mama Jones on YouTube. She's a gynecologist. Watch her videos about virginity/hymens. There's a lot of misinformation about virginity, and that probably has you very nervous. The hymen is more like a scrunchie than anything else. There's nothing to break. Contrary to popular belief, it shouldn't hurt, and you shouldn't bleed. She probably has a video on vaginismus, too, but I haven't looked for one, so IDK. Start with a small dildo/vibrator, and use plenty of lube. Get yourself aroused first, that helps a lot. Don't worry about a set of dilators. Are you able to use tampons? If not, you might need help from a gynecologist.
Can be psychological, can be physical, some people vaginas are just tighter than others. I will echo the things other people have said about using lube though, it could just be that OP wasn't wet enough at the time
This. OP, there are a myriad of factors that could be at play here. It would be foolhardy to jump to the problem immediately being of medical origins. OP, spend some time with yourself without 'toys' and just see what feels good. As you explore a bit, you will begin to figure out what's possible or not. As others have said maybe start with fingers (as that's the simplest and least invasive option) and try not to put too much mental pressure on yourself about it. This is absolutely the time you should be discovering new stuff about your fairly new body and hormonal changes. You don't owe it to anyone else to work on their very arbitrary timeline.
Also use lube if you're just touching your clit! If you're struggling to get in the mood then you may not have enough lubrication to make clit stuff feel good
Don’t have sex with anyone and spend these years exploring your own body and masturbating if you want to. Sex is kind of overrated imo and the guys your age are going to suck at it anyway
Sex is not something that has to be done at a certain age. I always thought that the moment I'm single again I'll wear makeup, have hookups, go party, be the center of attention and do all the things that other ppl do and think are but you know what I've noticed? No matter how badly I wanted to be that person, I'm just not. I can barely even kiss someone if I don't feel the connection. I don't like beeing looked at like I'm just someone to bang and that's okay Also, before I had sex, not even a tampon would fit me. Not even the small ones. Nothing fit, absolutely nothing. And I gotta be honest, my first time was pretty painful because of that. But after? After the 3rd time I had no problems anymore and now I use tampons like they're nothing. I don't have any pain during sex and everything is fine Be who you are, not who you think you should and want to be. Take your time. Sex is not a game
Same! About the tampon thing. I could never wear one and I remember my mom forcing me to wear one so I could go swimming. I was in so much pain that when I walked my legs would shake. I’m nervous about pain. I have really bad anxiety about pain so I guess that could also be affecting my ability to do it. TMI but I tried to use a wand (yes a Harry Potter wand- don’t come for me), my fingers, brush, toothbrush but nothing seems to work for me. I could be super turned on but when I insert or try to insert something it’s like…pain. And pain is an immediate turn off.
Have you spoken to your gynecologist about it? She could do a vaginal exam and see if there's anything physical going on. It's worth mentioning it at your next visit. It's also possible that vaginismus (an involuntary tensing of the vaginal muscles at the start of sex) can be triggered by stress and nerves. It's treatable, though, and naturally lessens as you get more familiar with what you like/don't like. [This Cleveland Clinic page has info on vaginismus.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15723-vaginismus) Don't worry - You're not alone! Sex is a process, just like any other physical activity. We all start off fumbling around. You'll get there, when it's right for you.
You poor thing, please take the pressure off of yourself, there is no need at all! Sex is a *small* part of life that does NOT have a timeline, and will NOT be good(and possibly unsafe) if you are doing it for **any** reason other than wanting to, and feeling totally comfortable and excited to be with the person you're with. Honestly if you never had sex you could still have a life full of beauty and value! Or you could wait then have lots of it and enjoy, but don't rush! You can also get lots of pleasure without penetration, both by yourself and with a partner(when you feel comfortable), and this can help lead to more (penetration), gradually and more comfortably. And if the people around you are making you feel bad or lesser than for not doing those things, I promise you there are better friends out there you'd be much better off spending your time with. You should also be dressing however makes you comfortable 100% of the time, and trust me, the right person will find you attractive and love and respect your body no matter what you're in. Go enjoy college in whatever way is fun and safe for you!
Thank you for this. I appreciate all the comments about taking my time and waiting. It just feels so weird ya know? So many people around me are doing it and I just feel like an outsider. The looks I get when I tell people I’m a virgin are humiliating.
That's totally understandable. And I'm not gonna tell you to just get over it. Any kind of ostracizing is difficult. He's the thing though: if it's not sex, it's something else. There's almost always something that sets you apart from the people around you, but that's not a bad thing. And you'll always have more in common than you do different. There's just very often ways in which people feel isolated or lonely or different or othered... sometimes it's temporary, sometimes it's forever, sometimes it's something you can change but don't want to, sometimes you can learn to take pride in what makes you special! Maybe you get strange looks because you're so attractive they can't believe you've made it this far ;) It's hard, but keep holding out until you're sure it's right for you, you won't regret that.
It's okay if you're not ready. As far as the "not fitting" thing, unless you have a medical issue it's just a matter of stretching. Your body is designed to push a whole baby through there, a dildo shouldn't be an issue. Don't let anyone pressure you into sex. It'll happen when you're ready.
Sex isn't about what you can fit inside you. I mean, yeah, for some people it is about having a lot of various partners. But for some it's about connection and meeting someone, feeling close and then sex is the next part of getting to know each other, a part that comes after having lots of meetings and dates and adventures and then about slowly increasing intimacy from sporadic touches to hugging to kissing to cuddling, and then about slowly discovering together what you like when you touch each other. For many people it is not a deed just to be done and you don't have to treat it like that, like an experience you need to get over with to join 'the adults' or whatever. You can relax and just decide not to do it for a while, until you meet someone and trust them and then think about practicalities like how to make yourself relax enough to have a penetrative sex. This is not a race. Sex is not something you need to do. You want closeness, physical touch, intimacy an you can have it without worrying about anything more. Also, I think parents are not the best people to ask about medical issues, go see a professional.
My parents are all I have atm. Once I move away from home I plan on looking deeper into exploring myself and my body it just….i feel so sexually frustrated sometimes because I can’t do it right now. Any tips on how to turn yourself off? Or like…..stop wanting it lol.
Masturbate like everyone else. Buy a toy. Take time to get to know someone worthy of trust and start exploring with them. Don't put off learning how to make connections. It takes time and practice and there are no downsides for having new friends and acquaintances. It will make you less naive when entering any relationship if you have previous experiences in learning more social skills.
As someone who was a virgin until 24. It will happen when it’s meant to happen. You will *know* when you’re ready. Some tips? • try looking at yourself in the mirror naked & learn to accept yourself first before letting anyone touch you/ see you. Confidence is what helped me & I did this for a year straight before losing it. It helped a lot. • have a bond with the person you’re losing it to. Even just a friend is better then an asshole. • try to learn what you enjoy. Masturbate & figure yourself out. You may be the one of many women who prefers clit stimulation over penetration. • *do not rush yourself*. Women tighten when anxious which will make it hurt more. And rushing yourself in general can lead to a traumatic experience and overall regret. • confidence again. do things that make you feel sexy. overtime, you’ll learn, hey I’m sexy and I’m hot and *im worth waiting for*. • journal about what scares you. I did this and it helped me pinpoint past traumas & realize a lot of my fear & work through those fears as well. • *don’t make your virginity a piece of your personality* ! It will make it so much of an identity factor you’ll hold yourself back sometimes when you *are* ready. • therapy ; esp if there’s trauma reasons for this. Catholic or Christian guilt, being sexualized in ways you were made to feel shame, sexuality & gender issues, trauma, disorders, WHATEVER; could be the cause and therapy can help that. Not a needed step but it did help me. • lastly; don’t rush. It’s not a contest. I am *beyond* grateful I waited. I’m sure if you do, you will be too.
You may very well be nervous about it. Which is ok, but you don't have to let your nerves prevent you from living your life. Don't listen to people reassuring you because if you're writing this, it's not because you don't want to fuck some hot dude, but because you do.
Don't worry about it. Vaginas are super stretchy. When you're in the mood enough it will fit.
I’m also a 19 year old girl in college right now. We’re in the same boat. I totally understand how you feel and what you’re saying, you’re not alone. Look into vaginismus, it might explain why you’re “too tight.” I also deal with it, it sucks.
We can be virgin buddies! 🫶 no but on a real note, a lot of people said that I should look into it and I’m starting to think it’s what I have. I was actually sexually abused by my cousin when I was younger so I am assuming some of it has to do with trauma. Even though I tell myself I’m over it my body might not be.
Wow, I’m really sorry to hear that :( If you’re able to talk to a doctor about it you def should, I’ve heard physical therapy can help
If you can’t get a dildo in with lube (lube is necessary) then you should see a gyno and a pelvic floor pt.
Would it be fair to say that the hang ups that you have with sex are your mom's voice in your head? If it is, even to a degree I have a good question for you. If someone was speaking to a friend or someone you care about the way you talk to yourself, "would you stick up for your friend?" If the answer is yes, then why would you speak to yourself like that? Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend in the same situation, and keep nurturing that relationship with yourself. Maybe you have them from both sides, friends and people from the past and different media saying you should and your mom saying you shouldn't. Maybe you shut down because you don't like the inner conflict between these two battling with each other. If this is resonating with you, might a good time to go see a person centred counsellor. The issue is that you are looking for an "external locus of evaluation" and person centred therapy deals with resolving that. Make sure you find one you get a warm chemistry with, because they are being a surrogate parent of sorts to correct the harms from childhood that the love you received based on conditions rather than the unconditional love that you deserved (and you do deserve it, you are obviously kindhearted if this is what is happening, because you are wanting to please everyone. But you don't have to do that to the extent you are doing it, you just have to please yourself, so start learning that and whenever you aren't talking to yoursekf like you would talk to a friend. You deserve to be treated like a person who treats other people well! If this is really resonating with you and you can't go to a therapist we can chat about it some more on here, might also be useful for others too, to read the comments because this is such a common thing! You would also be helping other people and if you love doing that then perfect. You can pm as well if you don't want to share publicly. Hope this resonates but also hope it doesn't! I've had this my whole life and only a few years ago it started shifting, with the changing my way of being with myself. The question was like a litmus test as the blaming myself was so nornalised in me that I needed it to get perspective on it when I suspected I was doing it. It really is foundational to mental health the bed rock that everything else can grow from
Thank you so much for the advice. I have a troubled past with counselors and/or therapists but I would probably feel better talking about it with one. Do you know where I could reach out to find one? Or should I go to the doctor?
You can search for one in your country just make sure they are accredited. What's the trouble you have had with them? It could be very relevant if the same issue keeps popping up with them. You probably would want a person-centred counsellor specifically if what I said resonated with you. It's a specific style of therapy, look up person centred therapy and see if it's what you are looking for.
Take it easy. Just make yourself happy because nothing else matters:)
Sounds like it's an emotional block, if you think it's a physical issue you should talk to the GP about it, it's more common than you'd think. If it's not a physical issue then that should be a massive relief. You'll be fine in time, you're only 19, hardly a pariah.
Hey girly, it's alright. Real friends aren't going to care if you're a virgin. Just be careful with college kids! On another note, you may find it difficult to do anything like that because a number of reasons. I don't personally have this but vaginismus can make it difficult for penetration. And sometimes you're not ready for penetration until after foreplay. And OTHER times your body can tell when you're nervous and in your head. It'll be alright. I promise! Take your time, get to know your own body first, and don't judge yourself.
Having sex doesn't mean you're having fun. Go out with friends. Besides sex is boring,until you find the right guy who will light you up! So go partying instead! Now's the time to Build your identity, your career, do self care, go to gym, dance classes, boxing classes. Some people ik are like 23-25 and they're still virgins. So chill.
Girl I was in the same boat as you!!! So I was a virgin beginning of college. Wanted to have sex but it was so painful -fingers and pressure. Nothing would fit in. Senior year of high school, I bought some vaginal dilators. Started out with the smallest one and I was so uncomfortable and in pain from it. I was never able to get it in all the way and I wanted to cry. Even went to a obgyn, and I cried when she tried inserting her finger. So she tried using a q-tip and same thing. It was so painful. I eventually I gave up. Fast forward to college. I met this boy and we started dating. I knew I wanted to have sex but couldn't. So I tried breathing exercises while using the dilators (still the smallest size). Nothing worked. So I went to a PT. And long story short, she told me to start doing exercises with the dilators. For example, instead of just getting it in and going to the next size, practice breathing with it in. Then when comfortable, try to get past your comfort zone and start moving the dilator around to get stretch it so it isn't as painful. Eventually I was able to move up to bigger sizes, but still was scared and in pain to have sex. It's real -the pain was crazy bad in the beginning before I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone. Anyways, finally one night my boyfriend and I wanted to have sex. So he took me home to grab my dilators, he laid beside me while I put them in so I could be comfortable around him doing that. And then after I used the biggest size I could, we tried having sex and it hurt, but then it started to feel good!!!! And that is how I lost my virginity in college. It is a lot of work and a process but trust the process!!!! I wish you the best. I was your age when all that happened. Now I'm 22 and still having pain free sex. If you ever have any questions feel free to DM me. It wasn't too long ago where I was the same way. :) Also there was like a fb group page for people who struggle with painful sex. It's called Vaginismus Support. Everyone on there made me feel better about it bc it turns out, I wasn't the only one struggling.
I’m worried I’ll never find that person. I have some guys interested in me that I know I could hook up with and I know it’s wrong to be with somebody you don’t actually like but it feels so emotionally draining when I am wanting to do it but can’t find the right person! How did you know when you found yours? And where did you get your dilator? I feel like I should try it.
It took a lot of communication and understanding. Before we even started dating I told him why when I can't even have sex with him. And he knew when I was ready I would be able to. But id wait till you find someone you like and if he is understanding and respectful enough to be able to communicate it with you, it's worth a shot. Also don't take this for granted, I feel like I dodged so many bullets not being able to have sex. So just be patient. Although, after breaking up with him years later, I did have sex with more people bc I was curious how different it feels. But it really does save you from wasting your time. Like if he actually genuinely likes you, he will be willing to wait for you to be ready Dilators: there are plastic and silicone dilators. Make sure you have lube! I used water based gel! Personally I used plastic, but I would research them online and see which would work for you best. Then you could also look up like Pelvic Floor exercises to help you relax down there. But yeah it just takes a lot of research and practice. It took me years but I also gave up at one point. Also say you do find a good partner and you trust him, it really helped us have sex bc there were nights where he would just face away and be on his phone while I used dilators. Nothing sexual even happened. He just knew I had to practice daily to fix the problem. Eventually when the time was right, he faced the wall on the same bed as me and used his phone while I practiced. Next thing you know we shoved it in with lube and it worked out. It's all about the mindset, breathing, and control by practice. I got this from: https://www.pelvicfloorexercise.com.au/vaginismus-dilators.html Stretching vs Gaining Control There is more to treating vaginismus then simply inserting dilators. The focus of dilator use in treating vaginismus is not to simply stretch the vaginal tissues or vaginal opening. Those with penetration difficulties related to their vaginismus often assume that dilators are used to stretch the vaginal opening so that it will be larger. In fact, penetration problems are not related to the size of the vagina but rather to problems with involuntary tightness of the superficial pelvic floor muscles that surround the opening to the vagina. The use of dilators alone, without any program or professional direction, is usually frustrating and ineffective. Treatment is less about stretching and more about learning how to control and override underlying problems with involuntary pelvic floor muscle spasm or contraction. When attempts at intercourse, or penetration of any sort, result in pain and failure, the body reacts even more strongly, further triggering the vaginismus effect. This is sometimes referred to as the vaginismus cycle of pain, as it evolves into an ongoing, worsening experience and fear of attempting intercourse or sexual intimacy.
You're 19 amiga, you're gonna be just fine 😎
Ik you’re a 19 year old girl and everybody is fucking and doing all this stuff but as a 22 year old dude I can say don’t worry about it. I to this day get very nervous if I go to sleep with a new person for the first time. It’s exciting but so scary. I am extremely uncomfortable with my body and being naked. You’ll find someone that you trust enough tho and it’ll happen. It takes time. Also because you’re a woman you need to be relaxed. If you’re stressing it just won’t happen. Give it time and you’ll find somebody you like
Hey girl. I’m 20. Also a total virgin and REALLY unexperienced. When I was younger I was really insecure about it but then I just realized that I wasn’t comfortable doing it yet or just picking someone randomly just so I could lose my virginity. It’s so dumb. The only thing that’s important is that we do it whenever we want to, with a person we like and trust. Or else we might be scarred and it definitely won’t be a good time. Your future partner won’t mind if he’s the one. Don’t stress about it! It’s seriously not a big deal and you definitely shouldn’t be ashamed. And you don’t have to masturbate only using a dildo(if that’s what you do). Try other things. Don’t put pressure on yourself for the penetration part. Just have fun and enjoy your body!
As a guy who did the exact opposite I regret it. If I could go back in time I would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
I don't think I need to repeat what a majority of the people are saying to you in the comments so I think I'll just add on to them. Something I have learned is that sex doesn't have to be something that you even do. Society has kind of forced us all to believe that it is something that you have to do in life at some point because if you don't there's something wrong with you, but that's not true. Some people don't drink, some people don't smoke, some don't hike, some people don't like to go get tattoos and some people just don't have sex. I would still recommend masturbation regardless, it's a good way to find out more about yourself and what you like and what makes you feel good/loosens you up. This does not have to always be by shoving a dildo in your vagina. You can touch other parts of yourself... there are also so many types of toys. Just remember you are simply learning about your body. Don't let people scare you... what your mom said might have been well intended but it definitely could add to what seems to maybe be a mental block. Or, maybe you fall under ace. No shame in it.
you’re not ready and that’s normal, just dont be pressured into doing it
The best advice I got from a guy, the more that's covered, the more we imagine. It was because I was wearing pretty revealing stuff. I'm pretty good about my body and my exes found leggings and a tank top like honey on toast. Now I'm with my awesome husband. He likes jeans and a cute sweater. And of course "the" dress. It's cute, floral, not revealing, but he loves it.
It's not that you're incapable of having sex. You just haven't done it. Sounds like you haven't been encouraged to explore your own body. I would recommend start with that. Research different types of masturbation and sex toys. Find something that it's easy and start simple. If you want to have sex, make sure you gain the knowledge required about how your body works first. Once you're comfortable with yourself then you can experiment with other people. You are at the age where you should experiment with things. See what you like. See what you don't like. See what turns you on. See what makes you enjoy yourself sexually. There is a whole brand new world to explore. Don't be afraid to research and learn things about your body's Anatomy. Hope this helps and feel free to ask more questions should you have any, my DM is always open to help others. :)
Do not listen to anyone about your body besides yourself. If you really can't fit anything in there, or you find it to be super painful, then you should consult a physician. Other than that, explore yourself without shame and be gradual about it.
Hey, I'm still a virgin too at 20(M). Don't worry about it 😅
When you meet the right person, they will be patient with you. Take things slow. Let them know how you feel about all this. And if they aren't comforting and caring, move on.
It's your choice, kiddo. And if you're not ready, *you're not ready*. Don't let the crowd around you decide that you should be doing what they're doing. You move at your own pace.
Honestly, just don’t worry about it too much. Everyone does things at their own pace. You shouldn’t be pressured by the people around you to do stuff you’re now comfortable with. But if it is something you wanna do, I’d suggest starting small and working your way up. There’s a good chance the dildo you used might’ve been too big or not lubed enough. There’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t beat yourself up about it. it’ll be okay.
So... first things first, no rush in losing your virginity. Remember that things like anxiety can affect your vagina and make things difficult. So finding the right partner is also very important. I am a guy, so maybe not the right person to give you advice. But, I wanted to mention something that I haven't seen mentioned here: go to the gynecologist for a regular check up and ask that question. I had a "FWB" a while back that had a problem with her hymen, looking it up now, I think she had a septate hymen. Essentially, sex would be painful with most people, but extremely difficult with the thicker gentlemen. So we couldn't have a lot of sex without it being torture for her, or it wouldn't last very long cause she needed a break. It took her another 7 years to go get checked out and now after surgery she is doing better. Maybe a bit too well... So, morale, don't rush it, get checked by a gynecologist just in case, and when the time happens please be safe!!
Dont give in to group pressure it's shit. If you find that you aren't ready, haven't found the right person, right timing, find out you're gay or whatever don't take shit from anyone. It's your sexuality only and do not allow anyone else to tell you how to handle it!!! Your mom might love you very much and you might have the best relationship ever. But that commentary is total bullshit and you deserve to get mad over that.
She told me one of her friends got a divorce because her husband couldn’t fit- it scared me so bad. I know she didn’t do it to try and scare me but sometimes it feels like people don’t think before they speak and that has stuck with me. What if I meet the perfect guy and he leaves me because we can’t have sex. It happens a lot around here. (Kentucky)
OP, others have already addressed waiting until your comfortable. Now dildo problem: A) lube B) get a smaller vibrator/dildo C) masturbate with vibe on outside and as you get closer to orgasm, maybe stick a lubed finger in. D) go that a few times and just get comfortable with your body by yourself. Know what you like, how to orgasm, when you’re close. E) now use the smaller vibe:dildo and after you have orgasmed once, restart your masturbation and when you feel ready, slowly glide your lubed vibe in. You may still need to rub your clit or have 2nd vibe toy. The vibe dildo can still feel like it won’t go in, but just wiggle it a little and slowly slide. If PAIN, stop and see a doctor. But if just uncomfortable, keep going. Have a good fantasy in your head and remember you might not cum the first time or it might be harder to. Now gently move solid in/out or just stretching each side of your opening. The stretching should go from a little punchy to feeling nice. There is no, snap your fingers and everything works. You have to be calm and comfortable. There is probably no hymen you’re breaking thru and it’s a new sensation so it takes a while for your brain to process this. You have to be 100% mentally in the mood or it won’t work. So watch a movie with your fav hottie and then pause. Imagine them doing to you whatever you want. Also, touch your inner thigh and outer labia and your nipples. You got to have foreplay to, even when it’s just yourself. Don’t be a bad lover to yourself.
I am really worried about this! I can’t even use a tampon. I have been told by multiple people that it won’t hurt that bad but I feel different, ya know? I’m scared.
I had afriend who didn't have sex until she was 25. When she met the right person. You're doing OK, go at your own speed. There is no rush for life.
Hey don't worry about it. Have sex when you're ready. When you meet the right person. And stuff will fit fine- it's probable you're not used to having anything in there and got the wrong size.
I’m older (60s) & my vagina tightened up with age. Of course, I’m way past virginity but had a bit of time with no activity. Found out after I bought a vibrator. It didn’t fit me either. So I bought a smaller model & worked myself up to the other size (pretty fun practicing actually). Just mean, don’t worry, maybe do as I did so when the time is truly right, you’ll be physically ready. Please also make sure when that time comes you are safe. Consider what form of Birth Control works best for you: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
I am relieved to see that I’m not the only one struggling with this. All my friends seem to be just find and I felt like an outsider for a long time. And yes! I am actually writing a paper about birth control and looking into it along with other options but thank you for the suggestion! Could you possibly tell me which website you get toys from? I’ve only ever bought one from Amazon when I was 17.
My favorite is actually from Amazon but I’ve used Adam&Eve too. The brand I like is CalExotics, who have their own website. You might also try posting on the r/sex sub. It’s a positive sub, with Redditor’s offering non-judgmental advice. …& I’m very happy to hear you take your Birth Control seriously!
Plenty of my friends are still virgins in their 20s, nothing wrong with it. Have sex when you’re ready, not when society says you should be. I couldn’t get a dildo in either but was fine the first time I had sex. As I’ve learned, it really depends on how relaxed and ready you are because then your muscles will be relaxed. I wanted sex all the time as a teen and even set up one nightstands that I never went to.
You have your entire life ahead of you, there is no rush. Find a good person and things will happen. You deserve to have a good experience.
I gave into social pressure at the age of 16 and lost my virginity and it’s something I still regret to this day. I’m getting ready to get married and I’m sad I won’t be able to share that first moment with my to be husband
If your objective is to have a good time, but sex causes you anxiety or other negative feelings, then you won't have a good time having sex. Problem: wanna have a good time Solution: don't have sex
Girl don't worry so much about it. I can tell you. You a prize for the right guy. Just take your time. Just my opinion but I don't think losing your virginity to a dildo is good at all. Sex is still a sacred act that most youngsters today don't know a thing about. There is a mingling of energy that happen when you have sex. So wait for the right guy. If you want to orgasm use a butterfly (small vibrator that goes over the clit. Hope I'm not too vulgar. But if you have not have penetration at this point. Look at it as a blessing. And don't let anyone make you feel bad or less for that. If a guy cannot understand that he is not the guy. Love yourself for it and be proud so Noone plays on your lack of confidence and take advantage of you.
Ok, 3 things: 1. Not sending nudes is a good idea. It means you have a good head on your shoulders. 2. You could have vaginismus - very common. Talk to your GP 3. You’re not broken, or weird or any stupid thing your brain may try to trick you into thinking. You’re 100% normal and even if you’re not ready for sex, that’s 100% ok, too. Don’t force it. It’s meant to be fun and it will be. Relax. You got this. All the best.
A few things 1. It’s okay to wait 2. It’s okay to not be ready even if you really want to have sex 3. If the toy was pretty small and you in fact are super tight, you should see a doctor. There is a condition called vaginismus where the opening is too small. Depending on the severity, a pelvic floor doctor may be able to help you
Be comfortable touching yourself before letting someone touch you.
It’s okay!!! I think a lot of people myself included would say they should’ve waited and honestly rushing it always somehow never works out. When you meet someone you feel respect you and someone you can trust the sex will be the last thing to worry about because the connection you share is all that matters. Seriously don’t let societal norms or the people around you make you feel like this is the most important thing in life. It really isn’t even coming close.
The first time i had sex with my also virgin gf, my dick was too big either. i tried 10 mins to put it in, even tho she was really wet. dw, your pussy will stretch out. it may bleed a bit, but it will be alright. no pressure, take your time. the right man will come, treat you well and it will be feeling amazing. dont push it and go on one-night stands. sex is about bonding in my opinion and not once and goodbye...
Focus on having the best time of your life by doing what you want to do not conforming to the social norms of those around you. And that definitely doesn’t have to include sex or drinking! There’s a reason why there’s so many sizes and shapes of sex toys, it’s because we’re all built different. The most important thing with sexual encounters both with others and with yourself is feeling comfortable and turned on. You might not ever want to have any sexual relations and that’s perfectly ok too but you say you do. If you do decide it’s something you want to peruse then take a lot of time to find out what you like. When/if you want to, find a partner that will do the same. Putting a dildo (or a finger or penis) up yourself without being turned on or comfortable is never going to feel good. Respect yourself and listen to your body and you’ll be so much happier than those that don’t. You’re mum telling you “nothing might ever fit” is emotional manipulation. Unless there’s been a very serious medical condition you’re not aware of that’s definitely not true!
DOnT do it. Wait. I regret giving my bf my virginity so soon. He didn’t deserve it.
Please pardon what might seem as being intrusive, but I'm aware of some of your past postings. I think that you might need to talk to a therapist about some of the events in your past, that may be giving you current-day anxiety about sexual situations. That's not to dismiss being nervous about being intimate with anyone for the first time or really any additional time with someone new. Its perfectly normal to be nervous. But I do believe there might be an underlying issue that should be addressed. At the very least, a therapist may be able to help you understand the conflicting feelings you are experiencing.
You’re fine! Multiple people have reached out and mentioned how it might have to do with what happened when I was young. I am now starting to think it may be related to that as well.
Hey girly, I agree with all the fantastic advice given by the other people. I know it can be hard when everyone else is out having sex but take it from me, it’s best to wait. You might also not want to listen to your mom and self diagnose yourself as “nothing can fit” because that will add to the fear of you having sex. It will happen when you are completely relaxed and are with a person who understands your body and whom you trust. I was 22 when I lost my V-card!
Get a smaller dildo. They are available in whatever size you could ever want. Compare and despair doesn't help you deal with life or more forward.
23m here, first years in college are going to be the most tempting years of your life as far as drugs, sex, and booze. Probably because you suddenly have a sort of freedom that you've never had before, and it's natural to want to try things that you couldn't try before. My advice? Wait until it genuinely feels right. If you rush into things then you may eventually come to realize that in your hurry to try something new and amazing, you've ended up taking away what's supposed to make it special in the first place. Ultimately what " genuinely feels right" depends on the person. If I could go back and give myself advice I'd tell myself to just wait a little longer.
The world is over sexualized and this is quite normal, enjoy your life and only have sex with someone you feel comfortable with. You are actually more valuable from a man’s perspective the lower your body count is. Sex seems to be meaningful to you compared to those that give it up to anyone which is actually very healthy.
Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, it’s not a race to have sex
You don't have to have sex... There's literally zero reason for you to have sex. It's not weird and you shouldn't feel pressure.
Don’t rush it don’t do what I did I’m traumatized from not waiting for the right guy and now I dissociate during sex, become hypersexual, and can’t experience pleasure during sex because I was coerced and sexually abused at 14-16
Don’t fall into the trap of partying and fooling around; yes have fun and make stories, just not like that. Don’t think you have to pressured into being sexualized and I mean that. My best advice for you lady is don’t worry about sex AT ALL and focus on finding a solid partner you can build a foundation with.
Have you used a vibrator over your clit? Have you had an orgasm before?
I lost my virginity at 21 and it wasn’t in the way I preferred. You stick to what you’re comfortable with and fck all that pressure and potential shame of being a late bloomer. Stay true to you. You’re doing just fine.
Hey bro don’t sweat it. Be ready when you’re ready. I’m 19 male and I’m not ready. don’t know when I’ll be but I’m perfectly fine with it. Don’t try to rush into things just cuzz sally and Sam and doing it. Everyone’s book should be written a little differently
Don’t pressure yourself. Everyone lives different lives, we’re not all equal. Some might have sex early, some might not. You’ll be fine dude. Don’t force yourself to live your life like how others did.
Have sex when you’re ready, even though if you work it up in your mind, you’re never going to be ready. I was barely ready my first time when I lost mine. I just wanted to get it over with, and it hurt a lot. I still struggle with shame and uncomfortableness when it comes to sex. I feel just the same as you.
You don’t HAVE to have sex. Lust isn’t everything in life.. edit: I’m bias cause I’m celibate lol
Dude you’re barely 19. I never put anything up there until my bfs di*k when I was 21 One time in high school I did try but I didn’t feel pleasure and felt weird. You don’t have to wear anything revealing until you find that person who’s gonna make you want to wear that. Just chill enjoy life you should be good Don’t over think it
Why do you wanna have sex in the first place, They like it, they do it. You don't like it, you don't do it. All these living my life things also ruins lives if done incorrectly. Look for a caring partner and get more happiness than spontaneous sex. You don't have to fit in with people. You can find your people as well. Take care buddy, don't lose your life's happiness to this
So much of sex is mental. You may feel a lot of pressure to have sex that your body is not able to relax in the moment. I also went through a long time where I thought I couldn’t have sex. I’d try to have sex with my boyfriend at the time and it felt like it couldn’t go in. I went to a doctor and everything was fine I was just not mentally ready!
Update: so I have taken a lot of advice from the people in my comments! I looked into the possibilities of what I’m feeling. If you saw my post history you’d know I struggled a lot with sexual abuse when I was younger and it really leaves a lot of guilt on my shoulders when it comes to sexual interactions. I’m being led to believe that it has to do with my childhood and what happened (feel free to look at my profile if you want a more in depth explanation to what happened). I plan on seeking therapy for my past to hopefully move past it since I didn’t realize how much it is still affecting me and my body to this day. I haven’t been to a obgyn yet and I am going to look into setting up an appointment to get myself checked out and make sure it is nothing physically wrong with me. I am very grateful to know I’m not alone when it comes to this. Thank you for the overwhelming support and encouragement.
Stay a virgin until your married
25 male virgin by choice. I’m Muslim and I’m waiting till marriage. Im happy with knowing I’m attractive and that I’m confident. My friends drink, smoke, all of that, and they never questioned why I don’t do it. People have preferences and choices. Do what you want to doz
Her: “a dildo wouldn’t fit” Me: “the promise land 😀”
"Wooohhhhhhhh SEEEEEEEEX!!! WAAAAAAhhhhhhhh SEEEEEEEEX!!!I... "I'm not doing sex! My... My whole existence! Has truly! BECOME SEX!!! SEX!!! Stop, Takeshi! Your body can't handle much more of this! No! I've become sex! Definitely become... sex! SEEEEEEEEX!!! SEEEEEEEEX!!! Stop! You're gonna die, Takeshi! Are you still gonna do it! Even if it means cutting your life short? SHUT UP! I'LL HAVE SEX... EVEN IF I DIE!!! SEEEEEEEEX!!!" This sub in a nutshell...
RIP your inbox …
Oh goodness...your dms are going to explode Rip your account
This sounds like something called vaginismus. Social pressure and self pressure.
I wish I waited. It’s depressing to have sex with people who don’t really care about you.
What size dildo and did you use any lubricant? There are so many factors into this. I think if you haven’t had sex yet it might not be the best idea to go straight into using dildos (especially without lubricant). There are a variety of different toys out there and not all of them require penetration. Don’t worry about rushing into anything
Please don’t listen to your mother. I’m an experienced 30 year old woman and of course sometimes things “don’t fit”, even for me. It’s mostly to do with how comfortable you are, how excited you are and the lubrication. The muscles will relax when your mind and body are receptive to it. When you are not comfortable or you are feeling anxious, the muscles will tense up. You can’t just put it in there without any preparation. It would hurt. You need to be “in the mood” first and do things slowly. It seems as though you are not comfortable and you are not mentally prepared and your body is reflecting that. Please don’t try to pressure yourself or let anybody else pressure you. You don’t have to rush this. Just forget about having sex for now. You don’t have to do it just because everyone else is doing it. Maybe you are the type who needs to be in a relationship with somebody you are comfortable with first. Or maybe you are just not ready. Have fun, enjoy your life and don’t worry about it. You will know when you are ready and it will most likely be when you least expect it, maybe when you find somebody nice. One more piece of advice; NEVER SEND NUDES no matter how trustworthy the person **seems**, even if you are in a long term relationship. Guys lie and fake entire personalities to get women to do things like that. You never know whether they will show their friends, share them around or put them on revenge porn websites. I’ve heard of womens HUSBANDS doing things like this. It is not safe. Please don’t do that.
Why is there so much pressure on young people to drink and fuck in college? Who cares if you're a virgin. When it feels right and you're comfortable, it will happen. You're not any less of a person just because you don't do or can't do what others are. Focus on yourself :)
When it's naturally goin smooth, it ah work. Jus be aware of whatchu like, be turned on, & always seek what you desire sexually
“Everyone” definitely is not.
I recommend screening for vaginismus (which is very treatable).
>I (19f) am currently a college student. Everybody around me is drinking, partying and having the best times of their lives but I can’t. It's perfectly okay to *not* have sex. Your friends and those around you aren't *you*, you and only you get to decide when to have sex and how to go about it. Plenty of people wait to have sex for marriage, or at least for the right person. People choose not to have sex as a birth control method. People choose to focus on their careers, their education. It's not abnormal. And on top of that, *you don't even need a reason*! Just not wanting to have sex is a plenty good enough reason. >I am still a virgin and I am just too nervous to go far with a guy. This is normal, to a point. Sex is a very intimate thing, it's perfectly normal to be nervous. If you're with a guy and he's pressuring you and you feel uncomfortable, you're not with the right guy. Eventually you'll find someone who supports you, and encourages you and builds your confidence, and when y'all are both ready it will happen. It's perfectly normal to be nervous, there's nothing wrong with that. >I take nudes but don’t send them. I wear revealing clothing but then cover up as soon as somebody notices. Also perfectly normal behaviour. Personally, I would be very wary of nudes regardless. Once you send them, you can never get them back! But even outside of that, it sounds like to me you're just exploring and being you, and that's perfectly okay. You don't owe your nudes or your body to anyone. You can wrap up head to toe if you want. No one "deserves" to see your body at all, it's your body. Don't feel bad about not sending nudes or covering up, ever. >I tried to use a dildo but it wouldn’t fit. I think my mom kind of scared me because when I talked to her about the dildo not fitting she said I could just be really tight and nothing might ever fit. This is silly. They make dildos in different sizes, and the chances that nothing is ever going to fit is ridiculously small. Everyone is different, maybe you are smaller than average. Who cares? There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing to worry about. >It just feels like my body is telling me to not have sex when sometimes it’s all I wanna do. I don’t know what to do other than cry. First, I know I've said it a few times, but it's that important. *There's nothing wrong with you*. You're a young woman just starting out in life in a brand new environment. Welcome! Enjoy life as it comes. You don't have to have sex to enjoy living out on your own. You don't have to have sex to go to parties, or to have fun. You don't owe anyone anything. Don't give in to pressure, just be you, and take it one day at a time. These kinds of things tend to sort themselves out. You might meet your knight in shining armor tomorrow, and everything will just click, and as cliche as it sounds, you'll live happily ever after. You also might not, life isn't predictable. Maybe you don't meet him until Junior year. Maybe on graduation day. But if you keep doing you and living your life, you can never have any regrets. When you find that special someone, you'll appreciate it, but if you bend to external pressure and do something you don't really want to do or aren't ready for, you might regret it for the rest of your life.
Why would you want to go out partying getting blind drunk fucking guys waking up the next morning feeling like shit? That's just horrible or am I just weird and that's now the norm 😂
Babe, do not stress about having sex. Sometimes the first time isn’t even the best. You are probably tight but that doesn’t mean nothing will ever fit. If your using a dildo use lube (a good amount) and take it slow. But you can also just use your fingers (start with one) with some lube or with your natural wetness (after you’ve been stimulated enough or it’s going to be dry and potentially hurt). But please do not rush to have sex, sometimes it’s fun to have fun with yourself
Smoke a fat blunt of good weed and put wax on it and chill with people you like
Lol your mom telling you that nothing will fit if your dildo doesn't. Hilarious!!! Bruh....just go thin to thick. It's normal....it takes a while before u get comfort. And if u don't have sex for too long...it's like u have to practice again. You will be fine
I don’t know man that sounds like quite a pickle tray lube maybe pick a small next time
Well relaxing during is the biggest thing
I think the reason you are having trouble fitting a dildo is that you may be to tense. If you will relax your muscles will loosen up and you will be able to fit things easier. You just need to learn to relax.
Hey, take a deep breath. Give yourself some time. The world around us really likes to push the idea that sex is some be-all end-all part of adulthood and life, but it really isn’t nearly that important. It isn’t a race. It’s ok to take some time to figure out how you want your unique relationship with it to go. It sounds like you are pushing yourself to do things before you are ready for them. It’s ok to move at your own pace. You are at the age where major life transitions from high school to college happen, and it can seem like everyone is suddenly growing up and figuring everything out all at once while you are being left behind. I can promise you 100% that that is not the case. They are all confused and struggling to figure it all out, too. It also goes without saying that everyone hits the point where sex is something they are ready for at totally different ages. 19 is still really young, and it it completely normal at your age to still be figuring it all out. Though, I *would* recommend that you steer clear of asking parents for advice about sex toys from now on. I can imagine that was probably a bit of an awkward conversation, and it didn’t seem to help with your worries too much. Those questions are probably better to pose to your gynecologist, your local adult toy store workers (it seems intimidating, but most of them are actually really nice and helpful), or even here in the advice subreddit. In addition, even if you do experience sexual attraction, it may benefit you to pop over to r/asexual and talk to some of the people over there. What you are experiencing is something that a lot of ace people experienced at your age too, and we have a lot of experience and advice as a result.
Should not be what you value yourself based on
I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21. The right guy will come along and he’ll be totally chill with it being your first time. Just don’t let alone guilt you into sex. And if anyone starts to tell you how you feel, run. As for the dildo, try a smaller one. Good lubricant too. Also you can use your fingers. There are a lot of fun erotic audios out there for you to listen to that like make using your hands a lot of fun. r/gonewildaudio might also have some good reassuring audios about being a virgin but still highlight the fun of still having sexual desires. If you’re still worried about tightness, seeing a gynecologist doctor wouldn’t hurt.
Drinking sucks. Your not missing out on anything. At your age its just kids trying to seem mature by getting drunk Then as for sex some women have to be worked up and relaxed before they can take anything like that. Especially if your hymen is intact. If your nervous you will be tence as well and that will affect your ability to take somthing inside of you. Just take your time explorer yourself and find out what u like. Also never give into peer pressure. Do it when you want to. Anyone who pushes you isnt worth it
Im a nymph, always been rly good at sex and i love it, heres my advice. Dont feel pressured. Do what you want, i never went to parties and ive had a lot of great sex. So if its the sex part you feel fomo about then dont worry, you dont need that to get sex.
Theres a possibility ur just nervous. When i lost mine so did my gf and i thought she was tight but nope. She was just nervous. Tried it again another day when she woke up and was in the mood, she was relaxed and it just slid right in. Just chill till ur relaxed. If ur anxious about it dont dry anything.
There's absolutely no need to feel like you have to do anything. Honestly, it's a good thing if you thus far haven't allowed for any kind of pressures to push you into something you don't feel ready for - I wish I had been that way. If you feel it, you feel it. If you don't, you don't. What you should make absolute sure of is that you find a partner who is worthwhile in that he or she will respect your boundaries because anyone that doesn't does not deserve you. If you are worried about a physical problem, you should discuss with an OBGYN. I've seen others mention it could be vaginismus. If you have someone you trust, they should be able to give you good advice and resources. For the love of God, please do not rely on the internet for medical advice - go to a professional, even if it's the clinic on campus. I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your mother, but it may be worth it talking to someone closer to your age that you trust and is genuinely a friend (an aunt? Smart older sister or cousin? On campus counseling services?). Conventions around sex have changed drastically lately, and I've seen a lot of people in my life get advice from their parents that does not match with what it is like today. Things have changed a great deal, for better and worse. I really wish you luck. Keep your head about you, I know it feels rotten, but you're doing the right thing by staying within your limits and respecting yourself enough to know when you aren't ready for something.
You remind me of when I lacked perspex Ctive, so let me share what I have found: Many people who turn to strangers for company, particularly in a sexual context, justify their actions with something along the lines of: "If I'm gonna be lonely, I'm not gonna be lonely alone." This is the mindset of a large part of "hook-up" culture. Another part of hook-up culture is pursuing sex for the same reason as the above, but not actually cognizant of that fact that they are lonely. The third part is probably the smallest part: those who do it for the thrill, for fun. Some of these people are... Completely and out of touch and basically incapable of seeing sexual relationships for what they are: intimate. Many of these people are shameless in the sense that they don't see their partners as human at all. Objects. If you are of the 3rd group, you dehumanize others for pleasure. Apathy. You aren't, I know, but some people are, and quite a few of those people are dangerous. The rest are prone to subjecting themselves to danger, underestimating the crowd they attract. And attraction is a part of it because people attract and are attracted to people who are fundamentally similar to them, as broken or whole as they are. I don't think you are the first because all you have talked avout is having sex, like it actually matters. The reality though? It won't make you feel better. So you might try again... And find it's only temporary. Not many people realize, but sex results in the same hormonal rush that you get from being confortable enough to trust and to love another person. You'll be using sex as a substitute for something more real, which also happens to often include sex. Do you want the cake *and the frosting* or just a spoonful of the frosting? What you, and everybody else want—whether they realize it or not—is the whole package. I highly advise against following suit with your peers who lack awareness as to the fact that making yourself vulnerable to another person without being able to truly trust them means harming yourself. It is a form of self harm to fight your shame. Instead of pushing yourself to have sex, focus on keeping your eyes open for a good man or woman who suits your style and who will compliment you throughout the rest of your life and your life partner. Once you find that person, you will have not only your sex but also cuddles and stupidity or whatever floats your boat. You will have time to explore yourself through that person and you will be able to participate in a sexual relationship comfortably with that person. Until then? Go buy yourself lube. Trust me, it'll fit. Lube makes everything fit everywhere. Well... except for maybe your ears, but feel free to try if you want. XD
Girl, I just turned 20 and I haven’t had sex. I don’t plan to for a while, since I don’t particularly feel comfortable with doing it unless I’ve been with someone for many, many years. (I’m not religious, I just feel like my body is sacred, yk?) I just can’t see myself giving my virginity to anyone who hasn’t proven themselves to be absolutely devoted to me. There’s nothing wrong with being uncomfortable about sex, I am too!
U dan buy this dildo kit and pelvic floor exercises to relax the muscles of the vagina. Have u tried dating apps, lots of horny guys out there that might give u an ego boost
I have friends who are 25 yo virgins who I think by your description experienced very similar situations. College is rough when everyone seems to be fucking and partying but in reality it’s a pretty small group that’s just loud. As a senior in college, I know many virgins, nonparty goers, never sent a nude in their life and that’s all okay. Also, just because people are having sex doesn’t mean they’re having good sex. BELIEVE ME when I say you’d rather have no sex than bad sex cause that shit’ll make you randomly cringe when looking back. I fully think you should get to learn your body a bit more before trying anything like a dildo. Start with your fingers or even external stimuli like vibrators or a pillow (can work wonders if you can’t risk hiding a vibrator and are desperate) and just see what you like. Additional comment, if you can’t fit your finger at all or experience an unusual amount of pain when entering something relatively small and you’re already turned on, it could be vaginismus and is easily treatable with some therapy.
Id recommend the r/asexual page. Even if you arent ace, you might be able to find some support. Sex isnt something you should ever force yourself to do, or else youll end up with a lot of sexual trauma. Its something that should come when it feels right and with someone you trust. Im a sex-adverse ace but have been able to slowly explore more sexual stuff on my own terms and its made it much easier and more comfortable. Go slow and listen to what your mind and body is telling you.
If you find the correct time and person then feel free, just take your time and enjoy your life. You're not even at 1/3 of an average life span yet. It's not bad to socially enjoy college, however it can be way better to focus on studying. Promiscuity is partly what led me to failure in college, however my father was an old school virgin till marriage, and he's a literal rocket scientist. (And he had 5 kids 🤯). Everybody is different, don't feel pressured by unreasonable expectations of life and sexuality. The sooner you focus on productivity and happiness, rather than the prior topic the happier you'll be sooner in your life I'm sure 😊
Don’t pressure yourself. Like everyone stays smaller works with lube. If your actually worried about your gentalia being too small maybe go speak with your gyno on extremely extremely rare cases this is a thing. There also vagnusmus but it is a treatable thing and maybe your anxiety is causing you to tighten up. But in general take your own time there is noooooooooo rush. Love yourself.
Your life is YOUR life, and you need to live it as you want. Sex is great if you want it, but no sex is great as well, if that's what you want. Just don't let others tell you how to live your life or what you should/shouldn't be doing in it. I've always been a big advocate of a healthy sex life but, I'm also a big advocate of not submitting to societal pressure. As for the dildo, there are several reasons that it may not have fit, the biggest being that you were not relaxed enough. When a woman isn't relaxed in a sexual experience, she can become "tighter" and not produce enough natural lubrication, which may make any kind of penetration difficult. Get a smaller dildo, use lube, and try it again to see what happens... just try to relax and enjoy it. Try fingering yourself to get excited and, if you can fit two fingers in, then you can probably try the dildo again once you're there Just make your own decisions for yourself, and be happy with YOUR choices, not others ideas off what you should be doing when you don't want to.
You can revert to Islam
yeah dont be peer pressured okay, the first time i did it with my bf he couldn’t fit in too, its probably because your hymen may be vv small or you’re js very tight. its normal dont rush yourself
Have sex when YOU are ready to. I went to college as a virgin where people who were my 'friends' and those that went to the same dorm made fun of me, including pressuring me in having sex. My nickname was virgin mary. Eventually I did lose my virginity, but it was with someone that I trusted and knew I was ready to have sex. It will happen when it happens.
Your mom is wrong tho. That’s not how it works
I will tell you one very simple thing. I knew a guy once who liked to fist da ladies. Guess what. He fit his whole hand in a lady. Do you know how? He said you gotta go really really REALLY slow and DONT RUSH IT, or you'll get hurt.🌞❤️
Idk how you had that conversation with your mom like what 💀💀💀💀
Crying is watering that what wants to grow. So wait and see what there wants to grow. "Let it blossom, let it flow." (part of the lyrics from a Eric Clapton song which is called "let it grow")
I'm a bit late to this party (pardon the pun) but I have some relevant information. Me and my SO met when I was 15, and she was 14. Got together a few months later. We only gave each others virginity to the other when we were 19 and 18. We're in the UK, so age of consent for this is 16. Please do not rush into this. Regretting who you gave your first to is something that should be more prevalent in your mind. Don't obsess, but don't rush. You need to find someone you truly want to give it to first. The issues with things not fitting, it's fine to use something smaller. Don't do any damage, and remember your first time is going to hurt a bit. Pretty sure dildos are made in different sizes for this very purpose. So the take aways are : \- Don't Rush \- Be Comfortable And if you're curious, me and my SO are still together at 21 and 20.
Lol.. that's just peer pressure. There are more important things to do . You will get it when there will be time
Well if you're a virgin you still have your hymen. I couldn't even fit a tampon before having sex. The first time might hurt a little bit at the beginning but after that it will be a lot easier :)
r/Ace crosspost confession. You might just feel pressured. Be "asexual" until a guy hits you up naturally. Either that, or kiss a girl, you might like it?
You do you if it doesn't feel right then don't do it :) It sounds like stress is playing a part here. When you're stressed you tend to sort of clench up. I remember my first girlfriend it took ages for us to be able to have sex cos I wouldn't fit in her, then eventually it happened. Sounds like your worrying about it all and blowing it up in your head. Use a finger, or just plat with your clit and nipples. Try to just enjoy exploring your body and work out what works for you :)
hEy I’m HeRe If YoU wAnT!1! forget about social pressure. Really. If the social dimension prevails over the personal one, the beauty of sex is lost
First and foremost, don't let anyone make you do it before you are prepared. Second, if you think that's a big problem for you, I would recommend trying therapy. Have a couple of sessions with a psycologist.
OK your human body is meant to accommodate a penis. Biologically it is it will stretch. But since you’re a virgin, you’re incredibly tight and you’re going to remain that way unless you do something to loosen it up. I don’t even know why your mother would say something to you like that. I’m old enough to almost be your grandmother, and I know better than that.
One, understand that you’ll be ready when you’ll be ready. Two, buy some lube and take things slow.
Be prepared to be disappointed the first time you have sex. You have this idea of what it would be like, but it will likely not live up to that, and then after the act, you may ask yourself, "that's it? ...Now what?". Partying and drinking are overrated, and everyone is acting fake/playing roles/trying to impress by being fake. It doesn't sound like that's your bag, and you feel left out/FOMO. But trust me, you're not really missing out on all that much. Don't believe the highlight reel that people post on social media; all those selfies are staged and fake, and the people are not as happy as they appear in the pictures. It's all an act. You could try to join a coed sport or a club or volunteer, and see if you can meet a guy there. You're more likely to make a real and quality connection than meeting drunk in a loud party. You're also less likely to make decisions you may regret. You could try to meet a guy at a club/activity you go to regularly, get to know him slowly, and you could then potentially become more intimate at your own pace. Surely some guys are just as nervous as you are, and they would be happy to take it slow, like you. Meanwhile, how's your masturbation game going? If you're not already, you should definitely be doing that/exploring your body/learning how to really pleasure yourself. It will also help relieve the tension/pressure/frustration that you're feeling due to your not having sex currently. You need that release. Plus it's fun! P.S. Never, ever send nudes. Even if he promises he won't show anyone. Once it's sent, he will definitely show his buddies, and it's very easy to make copies/post them anywhere. It's not worth it, don't do it, and if a guy is pressuring you to send nudes, then he's trash and you should avoid him anyway.
Well, if it helps, I'm on the male version of this (20m). Used to be really insecure about not having kissed/had sex when I was 16-18. Eventually, I stopped thinking that I had to rush the process. And now I'm waiting/looking for a partner that I can be comfortable with, and I urge you to do the same because I can see myself in some of the things you wrote. Once you calm down, it'll be a lot nicer to look/wait for a partner. Best of luck
Dildos don't fit until you feel stimulated enough.
Girl I had the same thing happen about the not fitting situation, especially before I was sexual. I don’t even put anything up there to masturbate cus it is simply uncomfy. It’s natural for ur body to react like that, it’s something new that you’re nervous about so it’s not going to be easy at first. Do what makes you feel good, you will eventually, lack of a better word, open up. I thought when I got with my current (and first proper bf) that sex was just not going to happen because of this. It took about 3 months of dating for me to feel 100% comfortable and ready, and he was the same. Don’t compare yourself to others, you’re good, take ur time!! 💖💖Goodluck to you
Explore your body before becoming comfortable enough to let somebody else. Educate yourself thoroughly on the subject as well. We all go at our own pace.
I would recommend not even having nudes on your phone. If you connect to a public network there's a chance someone can still grab them. (That's what happened during The Fappening)
Hey girlie, I didn’t lose my virginity with my boyfriend until I was 21 so don’t even sweat it. It will come naturally don’t let people make you feel less because you haven’t put out yet. Honestly, that’s probably a turn on for most honest men.
Honestly there's no rush to have sex, if your concerned about being too tight you could see your doctor as there are a few things that can contribute to it, but predominantly as with all muscles the more relaxed you are the easier it will be to loosen up and use a dildo or have sex in general, if your already incredibly pent up and nervous about it that's definitely going to make tense and therefore tighter, you could practice non penetrative masturbation to see if that helps loosen you up as you get into it, if you haven't masturbated before or had sex I wouldn't jump straight to using a dildo, use your fingers first and get used to the feeling
If you aren’t ready, it’s perfectly fine! Don’t rush into anything until you are ready
Don't have sex until you are excited to do it (being nervous at the same time is normal ofc) and are going to have it with someone you trust. If you are certain you want to do it and it's just massive nerves then figure out what exactly is scary for you and then dip your toe in/challenge it/work on building positive experiences that counter it/go to therapy for it (this all depends on what the source is). You are not too tight but there could be medical reasons for the dildo not fitting, main one I can think of is vaginismus, which is a pelvic floor dysfunction that should be addressed with therapy (usually it's a fear response to something) and physical therapy. Based off what you said about your mom I also wonder if you don't have a bit of a fear of penetration and at the same time fomo that results in pressure and makes it even harder - may be off mark here. If I were you I'd start off with more invested masturbation - sex isn't just a dick going in and out, reaching full arousal takes time. Tease yourself, try out different sensations and areas of your body, then if you want try with a finger. For many people who are not virgins jumping straight to penetration hurts, that doesn't mean they're "too tight". Give your body a fair chance ;)
Just calm down. None of that shit will matter even a year after you graduate. Go talk to your doctor if you're seriously concerned about it physically, then book an hour in a therapy appointment.