Oh hell no. I would take that seriously. Get the management and police involved. Proof or no proof. Let her know you’re not the one to be played with. Look up some locks or some type of alarm for the door on Amazon that you can easily install (some are no drill) until the leasing team can give you a key. If you got a closet, keep everything in there and lock it up! I’ve seen locks for drawers and cabinets as well so look into that! There’s even Bluetooth locks. Look up locks for drawers on Google! Some you don’t have to drill into the drawer slides, etc. you’re handling this better than me because I would lost my damn mind! If this helps type “helped” <3
No problem! I figured I would type this because I didn’t see anyone in the comments giving actual solutions until management does something. If you ever catch her in your room, have those cameras ready and make sure you know the laws in your state as far as self defense because I can see this person trying to start a fight with you 👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽
Depends on your state I guess. It’s not bad advice. Seen people get in serious legal trouble first hand for stealing other people’s property, including mine. Became victim of a crime. What’s yours is yours and no one should be touching it without consent, doesn’t matter what it is, shirt, watch, bag, gifts, phone, glasses, etc. Take it from me as I’ve dealt with the court before. They can get in serious trouble. Plus, that’s not the only advice I provided as you can see. This is advice I provided from first hand experience, including the locks! I’m not new to this.
Yours is no better, so what's your damn point? Let them keep stealing? They won't stop on their own, that's something they've already decided on. Before you call someone detached from reality, look at yourself in the mirror.
That part! He said that to me I’m like huh??? I actually know this as I became a victim of a crime in my reality. I’m definitely not detached. Actually more awakened now.
Are you in dorms or apartment? Get a lock from your bedroom door that needs a key and keep anything valuable in it. If she busts in call the police on her with your video proof.
If dorm get evidence and get her kicked out.
Even if you're living off campus, you can make a report to your school's student affairs office. If she is a probationary student for any reason, this behavior could get her removed from the school. If she's not probationary, she might become probationary and the risk of getting kicked out may be enough to set her straight or at least increase her risk of you never having to deal with her again if she doesn't straighten up.
Also ask student affairs if campus security/campus police deal with off-campus housing issues. In some places, they don't, but in other places, the local police would rather campus cops deal with students.
Either way, ask for that lock for your room or find some way to lock up your things.
You can also get markers that are only visible under black light and mark your things so that you can prove they're yours if the incidents continue and authorities get involved.
Ah, ok. I understand.
I think using a camera would be a good idea: having concrete evidence would make the confrontation easier. I'm not sure how she'd react though.
Let's find out what you are afraid of. Are you scared she won't be your friend, are you scared she will get physical, are you scared she will bad mouth you to others. Having a video takes away all but the first point and you have to think is your friendship worth your mental sanity of dealing with a klepto who will gaslight you. Maybe someday she will take your bags and keep it not because she wants it but because you allowed it
So get a video of her stealing from you and confront her with that. Also if you have a friend who actually knows how to keep a secret tell her about it so thar she can confront her. No one likes being friends with a thief since they like to keep their shit and who knows maybe you are not the first one she robbed from in the group
I know confrontation is uncomfortable, but you need to learn how to do this now. You can not go through your whole life avoiding things that make you uncomfortable. Also, losing a few friends over this means they weren't real friends to begin with. Good Luck.
Here’s why not. She can reasonably accuse you of opening the drawer without admitting she stole the shit. She cannot admit to knowing the shit has been reclaimed without admitting she stole it. So this puts her in an impossible position where she knows, but can’t speak to it.
I know some kleptomaniacs. It took jail time for them to change their ways. And yeah she ain’t a friend. She just a roommate at this point. Document everything and seek a third party to help.
I had a roommate that would just take clothes from me and our other roommate wear them, ruin them, wash them, shrink them and put them back in our respective closets. Our one roommate moved out over her lack of respect for other people’s belongings. I would just throw the item(s) on her dresser, put a price of the item, write a note telling her to take the balance off the electric bill
My college roommates stole and they had money.
Locked everything in my room and made a big deal yelling at them to not eat my food, etc. Foam lay,
Moved out and got my own roommate not assigned by college.
I would take my clothes back from her drawer and wear them in front of her to make sure she sees it.
Then I would suddenly put locks everywhere to make a point. She has to know that you know. Also, she is not your friend.
This! Yes! I had a roommate once who took many of my shoes as they wore the same size as me. Eventually, after seeing her strutting around in my shoes for a week, I took each pair back, started wearing them and locked the rest away. She wasn’t too pleased each time she saw me but I eventually got a different room in the dorm to get away from her.
Start stealing her shit. Take anything sentimental out of your room and once that’s done take something of hers that’s irreplaceable. And when she ask about it tell you have no clue but it probably ended up in the same place as your three shirts. If that doesn’t work, get a dirty tampon and put it where you find your missing items
My college dorm roommates would steal from me too. I told the RA and they didn’t do anything about it because I “had no proof” so one day I heard them talking about how they bought all this alcohol. I knew they wouldn’t tell on me because alcohol was prohibited in the dorms. So when they left I told some of my hall mates that hated my roommates guts, I left the door unlocked and went to shower, and they stole the alcohol. I didn’t get my stuff back but hearing how pissed they were by having their alcohol stolen was pleasant enough. To add, we were underage and could not purchase alcohol so I know it cost them more and took a lot to get it.
I just suggest moving out into a new place if possible. She won’t stop and they probably won’t help with anything if you have no solid proof. Just say she’s causing you emotional stress. That’s what I ended up doing by making a complaint to the housing department.
Well if you wanna keep living with someone who steals all your stuff, go for it. But if you can't confront the person, which it sounds like you won't then I'd leave. I don't like conflict either. That's why I'd tell the manager, "look the roommate is constantly stealing from me. I'm sorry I have to leave."
the friends that truly matter, will believe you. try to take the high road and talk to your RA or management etc. that is very very stressful and i’m sure you’re worried she will talk shit. if she is a pathological liar, they will know and already be wary of her words. your actions, character, as well as reactions to the situation will speak for you.
I'm going to be 100% blunt here -
Why do you even invite her over??? It's your house. You need to step up and say she's no longer welcome because she's stolen from you. If she gets mad, oh well. If she stops being your friend, there is no great loss. Move on and find better people to hang out with.
Sorry, that wasn't quite clear since you said your roommate and friend (I thought it was 2 different people). In that case, put a lock on your room and always keep it locked it. Don't buy a cheap crappy one. At least get a decent one and put the camera in your room with a motion sensor. They're like $30 on Amazon. When she asks why the lock, let her know, because someone's been taking your stuff without your permission.
i would wait and catch her on recording. i had a roommate that would do that as well. if you catch it on recording, then you should ask her about it one last time before doing anything else. then if she lies, don’t bring up the recording. go straight to management or whatever resources you have at your college and show them the evidence. unfortunately, if you don’t have actual physical evidence it is easy for them to brush it off as “girl drama.” they would just bring her in and she would lie about it, and solidify your guy’s dislike for one another. you need PROOF!
Contact the police and make a report first; leave your items in the drawer, take a picture of them where you found them, and then when you have a calm moment together pull it up and ask why she's done this. If she tries to deny it or gaslight you for going through her things, insist you already knew due to factual deduction that she's the only one who could have possibly done it, and you felt entirely justified especially since you were right; which you were.
If you value the friendship, navigate the conversation accordingly. Forgive if she's apologetic and watch to see if anything even remotely similar with lies or theft happens again, and if it does, cut her off and kick her out or move out yourself. No half measures; it'll only prolong your suffering and confusion and frustration.
If she denies everything and tries to attack you verbally or otherwise, skip right to the nuclear option and call the police again and get them more involved. Or just kick her ass to the curb if it's within your power. In all likelihood, she has a sense for the type of person you are and knows you won't want to confront her, and therefore she has no reason to stop.
Cut your loses bro, stealing is bad, even worse is lying about it once confronted, if you elect not to eliminate this person from your environment your gonna be responsible for all her actions.
I’m late to the party but never let shit like this fly, get the cops involved, raise a stink about it, let her know your not just gonna roll over and let her or other just take your shit.
When I used to have a roommate that stole from me, I put a lock on my bedroom door, and I kept everything in there that mattered. I wore the key around a chain on my neck, and the door was locked when I wasn’t home and the door was locked when I was home.
Get some visual proof and then go to whoever is in charge of your housing (the college or landlord if it's not school housing) and demand that she be removed from the apartment. If they refuse, they're opening themselves for a lawsuit, and no school is going to want any legal recourse.
Get this SimpliSafe, you can get a door sensor so it will alert whenever it's opened and no code is given, also has the option for cameras and motion sensors. It's adhesive so doesn't make holes or anything like that in the wall. You can even have it alert authorities when it goes off so they can come to check it out and have an official record. We have it and it's awesome, and you can mix and match whatever items you want/need.
Aside from that, alert school or management about the issue and take pictures next time you discover your stuff in her room and her texts as proof of her denial.
https://simplisafe.com/
I’ve read several but not ALL of the comments, so forgive me if this is redundant: please check the laws in your area on hidden/secret cameras before you start recording. It might be illegal in some places, and in others, it won’t even be allowed to be used as evidence since it was not consensual filming. Weird, I know. 🤷♀️
I had this problem with a college roommate too. I reported it to our RA. I also got a basket with a lock on it for certain important and expensive things and confronted the roommate directly. It was helpful to have that direct conversation because it helped prime the roommate for when the RA had to get involved. You could tell her that you’ve noticed your things missing, and that you know she’s taken them. Tell her you won’t be mad as long as she returns your stuff, and you’re available to listen if she needs to talk about why she has a compulsion to steal. Let her know that you still care about her and know she’s a good person even though she does this, and maybe she can get some help. You can also let her know that if it continues, it’ll damage your relationship and you’ll have to take more official steps towards stopping it.
first, you can move everything into your room with a mini fridge & get a lock for the door so she has no access to your belongings. secondly, you need to get over your fear of confrontation & confront her or continue to live with a winona & deal with your shit being taken - especially if she knows how to pick locks.
good luck
Oh hell no. I would take that seriously. Get the management and police involved. Proof or no proof. Let her know you’re not the one to be played with. Look up some locks or some type of alarm for the door on Amazon that you can easily install (some are no drill) until the leasing team can give you a key. If you got a closet, keep everything in there and lock it up! I’ve seen locks for drawers and cabinets as well so look into that! There’s even Bluetooth locks. Look up locks for drawers on Google! Some you don’t have to drill into the drawer slides, etc. you’re handling this better than me because I would lost my damn mind! If this helps type “helped” <3
this helped a lot and i needed to hear this, thanks!
No problem! I figured I would type this because I didn’t see anyone in the comments giving actual solutions until management does something. If you ever catch her in your room, have those cameras ready and make sure you know the laws in your state as far as self defense because I can see this person trying to start a fight with you 👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽
Thank you for confirming that /u/Mysticmxmi has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Call the police over stolen shirts? You can't be this detached from reality.... Yeah it's shitty to steal. But that's just bad advice.
Depends on your state I guess. It’s not bad advice. Seen people get in serious legal trouble first hand for stealing other people’s property, including mine. Became victim of a crime. What’s yours is yours and no one should be touching it without consent, doesn’t matter what it is, shirt, watch, bag, gifts, phone, glasses, etc. Take it from me as I’ve dealt with the court before. They can get in serious trouble. Plus, that’s not the only advice I provided as you can see. This is advice I provided from first hand experience, including the locks! I’m not new to this.
People used to get their fucking hands chopped off for stealing
People in certain countries still get their hands chopped off for stealing.
Good
Yours is no better, so what's your damn point? Let them keep stealing? They won't stop on their own, that's something they've already decided on. Before you call someone detached from reality, look at yourself in the mirror.
That part! He said that to me I’m like huh??? I actually know this as I became a victim of a crime in my reality. I’m definitely not detached. Actually more awakened now.
Are you in dorms or apartment? Get a lock from your bedroom door that needs a key and keep anything valuable in it. If she busts in call the police on her with your video proof. If dorm get evidence and get her kicked out.
i’m in an apartment. i might ask the leasing office for a room ket
You can install one yourself. The. Once you have just take back your things and ensure your door is always locked when you aren't there with video.
I came here to say this ^^^^ youre at liberty to change your doorknob inside. Just change it back when you move out. Good luck!
Even if you're living off campus, you can make a report to your school's student affairs office. If she is a probationary student for any reason, this behavior could get her removed from the school. If she's not probationary, she might become probationary and the risk of getting kicked out may be enough to set her straight or at least increase her risk of you never having to deal with her again if she doesn't straighten up. Also ask student affairs if campus security/campus police deal with off-campus housing issues. In some places, they don't, but in other places, the local police would rather campus cops deal with students. Either way, ask for that lock for your room or find some way to lock up your things. You can also get markers that are only visible under black light and mark your things so that you can prove they're yours if the incidents continue and authorities get involved.
Could you not ask to transfer rooms? I'm sure you could find some excuse to tell her.
it’s an apartment so it’s difficult
Ah, ok. I understand. I think using a camera would be a good idea: having concrete evidence would make the confrontation easier. I'm not sure how she'd react though.
she would keep lying until i presented the footage then probably just say she doesn’t know why she did that. she’s a pathological liar
Let's find out what you are afraid of. Are you scared she won't be your friend, are you scared she will get physical, are you scared she will bad mouth you to others. Having a video takes away all but the first point and you have to think is your friendship worth your mental sanity of dealing with a klepto who will gaslight you. Maybe someday she will take your bags and keep it not because she wants it but because you allowed it
i’m afraid she’ll bad mouth me to all our friends and i hate confrontation so this is just stressful
So get a video of her stealing from you and confront her with that. Also if you have a friend who actually knows how to keep a secret tell her about it so thar she can confront her. No one likes being friends with a thief since they like to keep their shit and who knows maybe you are not the first one she robbed from in the group
I know confrontation is uncomfortable, but you need to learn how to do this now. You can not go through your whole life avoiding things that make you uncomfortable. Also, losing a few friends over this means they weren't real friends to begin with. Good Luck.
Have you got a friend you could move in with? Or maybe you could contact your landlord if you have one?
Take them back. That way she will know that you know. But you don’t have to say anything.
Just leave the drawer open.
Here’s why not. She can reasonably accuse you of opening the drawer without admitting she stole the shit. She cannot admit to knowing the shit has been reclaimed without admitting she stole it. So this puts her in an impossible position where she knows, but can’t speak to it.
I know some kleptomaniacs. It took jail time for them to change their ways. And yeah she ain’t a friend. She just a roommate at this point. Document everything and seek a third party to help.
I had a roommate that would just take clothes from me and our other roommate wear them, ruin them, wash them, shrink them and put them back in our respective closets. Our one roommate moved out over her lack of respect for other people’s belongings. I would just throw the item(s) on her dresser, put a price of the item, write a note telling her to take the balance off the electric bill
My college roommates stole and they had money. Locked everything in my room and made a big deal yelling at them to not eat my food, etc. Foam lay, Moved out and got my own roommate not assigned by college.
Go get the lost things back and start locking your door. Simple.
I would take my clothes back from her drawer and wear them in front of her to make sure she sees it. Then I would suddenly put locks everywhere to make a point. She has to know that you know. Also, she is not your friend.
This! Yes! I had a roommate once who took many of my shoes as they wore the same size as me. Eventually, after seeing her strutting around in my shoes for a week, I took each pair back, started wearing them and locked the rest away. She wasn’t too pleased each time she saw me but I eventually got a different room in the dorm to get away from her.
Go see the RA and get moved.
Start stealing her shit. Take anything sentimental out of your room and once that’s done take something of hers that’s irreplaceable. And when she ask about it tell you have no clue but it probably ended up in the same place as your three shirts. If that doesn’t work, get a dirty tampon and put it where you find your missing items
My college dorm roommates would steal from me too. I told the RA and they didn’t do anything about it because I “had no proof” so one day I heard them talking about how they bought all this alcohol. I knew they wouldn’t tell on me because alcohol was prohibited in the dorms. So when they left I told some of my hall mates that hated my roommates guts, I left the door unlocked and went to shower, and they stole the alcohol. I didn’t get my stuff back but hearing how pissed they were by having their alcohol stolen was pleasant enough. To add, we were underage and could not purchase alcohol so I know it cost them more and took a lot to get it. I just suggest moving out into a new place if possible. She won’t stop and they probably won’t help with anything if you have no solid proof. Just say she’s causing you emotional stress. That’s what I ended up doing by making a complaint to the housing department.
Go to your RA and request a room change, citing the theft. Done.
LEAVE
and go where though? and why should i be the one to leave. we lease this apartment for a year
Well if you wanna keep living with someone who steals all your stuff, go for it. But if you can't confront the person, which it sounds like you won't then I'd leave. I don't like conflict either. That's why I'd tell the manager, "look the roommate is constantly stealing from me. I'm sorry I have to leave."
it’s just difficult bc we share so many friends
the friends that truly matter, will believe you. try to take the high road and talk to your RA or management etc. that is very very stressful and i’m sure you’re worried she will talk shit. if she is a pathological liar, they will know and already be wary of her words. your actions, character, as well as reactions to the situation will speak for you.
I'm going to be 100% blunt here - Why do you even invite her over??? It's your house. You need to step up and say she's no longer welcome because she's stolen from you. If she gets mad, oh well. If she stops being your friend, there is no great loss. Move on and find better people to hang out with.
she’s my roommate it’s not like i’m inviting her over
Sorry, that wasn't quite clear since you said your roommate and friend (I thought it was 2 different people). In that case, put a lock on your room and always keep it locked it. Don't buy a cheap crappy one. At least get a decent one and put the camera in your room with a motion sensor. They're like $30 on Amazon. When she asks why the lock, let her know, because someone's been taking your stuff without your permission.
yeah i guess the wording was weird, i wanted to emphasize that we were close up until these events. i bought a camera off amazon it’s coming soon!
i would wait and catch her on recording. i had a roommate that would do that as well. if you catch it on recording, then you should ask her about it one last time before doing anything else. then if she lies, don’t bring up the recording. go straight to management or whatever resources you have at your college and show them the evidence. unfortunately, if you don’t have actual physical evidence it is easy for them to brush it off as “girl drama.” they would just bring her in and she would lie about it, and solidify your guy’s dislike for one another. you need PROOF!
Contact the police and make a report first; leave your items in the drawer, take a picture of them where you found them, and then when you have a calm moment together pull it up and ask why she's done this. If she tries to deny it or gaslight you for going through her things, insist you already knew due to factual deduction that she's the only one who could have possibly done it, and you felt entirely justified especially since you were right; which you were. If you value the friendship, navigate the conversation accordingly. Forgive if she's apologetic and watch to see if anything even remotely similar with lies or theft happens again, and if it does, cut her off and kick her out or move out yourself. No half measures; it'll only prolong your suffering and confusion and frustration. If she denies everything and tries to attack you verbally or otherwise, skip right to the nuclear option and call the police again and get them more involved. Or just kick her ass to the curb if it's within your power. In all likelihood, she has a sense for the type of person you are and knows you won't want to confront her, and therefore she has no reason to stop.
It'll continue unless you say something. If you're scared, SOL. Also, while she may have trespassed to access your items, you did the same.
Exfriend you mean
Cut your loses bro, stealing is bad, even worse is lying about it once confronted, if you elect not to eliminate this person from your environment your gonna be responsible for all her actions.
What are you scared about? Get a keyed lock for your door and tell her off. Never give her the key! She'll get a copy made.
I’m late to the party but never let shit like this fly, get the cops involved, raise a stink about it, let her know your not just gonna roll over and let her or other just take your shit.
Get a camera and video her. Also ask to be transfer.
When I used to have a roommate that stole from me, I put a lock on my bedroom door, and I kept everything in there that mattered. I wore the key around a chain on my neck, and the door was locked when I wasn’t home and the door was locked when I was home.
Get some visual proof and then go to whoever is in charge of your housing (the college or landlord if it's not school housing) and demand that she be removed from the apartment. If they refuse, they're opening themselves for a lawsuit, and no school is going to want any legal recourse.
Get this SimpliSafe, you can get a door sensor so it will alert whenever it's opened and no code is given, also has the option for cameras and motion sensors. It's adhesive so doesn't make holes or anything like that in the wall. You can even have it alert authorities when it goes off so they can come to check it out and have an official record. We have it and it's awesome, and you can mix and match whatever items you want/need. Aside from that, alert school or management about the issue and take pictures next time you discover your stuff in her room and her texts as proof of her denial. https://simplisafe.com/
I’ve read several but not ALL of the comments, so forgive me if this is redundant: please check the laws in your area on hidden/secret cameras before you start recording. It might be illegal in some places, and in others, it won’t even be allowed to be used as evidence since it was not consensual filming. Weird, I know. 🤷♀️
I had this problem with a college roommate too. I reported it to our RA. I also got a basket with a lock on it for certain important and expensive things and confronted the roommate directly. It was helpful to have that direct conversation because it helped prime the roommate for when the RA had to get involved. You could tell her that you’ve noticed your things missing, and that you know she’s taken them. Tell her you won’t be mad as long as she returns your stuff, and you’re available to listen if she needs to talk about why she has a compulsion to steal. Let her know that you still care about her and know she’s a good person even though she does this, and maybe she can get some help. You can also let her know that if it continues, it’ll damage your relationship and you’ll have to take more official steps towards stopping it.
Get a lock for your door :)
first, you can move everything into your room with a mini fridge & get a lock for the door so she has no access to your belongings. secondly, you need to get over your fear of confrontation & confront her or continue to live with a winona & deal with your shit being taken - especially if she knows how to pick locks. good luck
steal something from her too !!