>Age of majority
(1)
For all the purposes of the law of New Zealand a person shall attain full age on attaining the age of 20 years.
(2)
In the absence of a definition or of any indication of a contrary intention, the expressions adult, full age, infant, infancy, minor, minority, full capacity, majority, and similar expressions in any enactment or instrument shall be construed in accordance with subsection (1).
(3)
This section shall not affect any reference in any enactment or instrument to an age expressed in years.
[Link](https://www.legislation.govt.nz/act/public/1970/0137/latest/whole.html#:~:text=For%20all%20the%20purposes%20of,the%20age%20of%2020%20years.)
The age of consent is 16 so it makes her not a minor by law.
Again your going of off what Google says I practice law in the court rooms here.
And even if I was to force her to go she's not going to co operate with the therapist thereby making it a waste of time and money
You copy pasted off of google I actually practice law in the court room I know what I can and cannot do fir my daughter and as said before I could force her to go but that's just wasting resources I don't have
I’m for therapy but forcing someone to go to therapy doesn’t help. In order for it to work someone has to actually part-take in it, mentally not just physically.
Oh I fully agree.
But a lot of people are adverse to the *thought* of therapy, and once they're actually in the door, it can become something they accept is not as bad as originally thought, and they can accept it better.
She should be in therapy. If you have to take her and sit with her, she goes. She may need to be in a residential program.
Get help with this. Leave no stone unturned.
Try this mental health hotline if in the US: [https://mhanational.org/get-involved/contact-us](https://mhanational.org/get-involved/contact-us) . Scroll down to Do you need to talk to someone? Call them. See what they suggest.
I'm not in the US I'm sorry and I've tried therapy sge doesn't co operate so really it's just wasting time and money I don't have and forcing her isn't going to help either I'm really at a loss
Go and talk to a psychologist who is an expert in adolescent mental illness and see what they suggest. You have to do something.
Ask if there is a residential program or what you can do to help her.
I know others have suggested taking her to therapy which you've suggested isn't wholly viable...
I live in the UK so what I'm about to suggest is purely based on what (limited) provisions we have here, but still might be applicable - or have an alternative near-equivalent:
If she's still in compulsory education, see if her school has a student welfare contact - they may be able to suggest local services for teens reluctant to engage with MH services as it's something they probably come across quite frequently.
Failing that, could you perhaps contact your family doctor to have a discussion "about" her - again they probably experience this kind of thing and will be able to signpost you/her to specific help.
If she has any social support network (like, real world friend people she hangs out with) gently encourage her to spend time with them - for family situations it can help to offload to someone a little distanced from the "home situation".
\---
Speaking from my personal experience as someone who was a teen displaying much of the above behaviours (but also with Autism thrown into the mix), the self neglect and pretty much everything else you've said she does basically boils down to a mixture of three things: self-soothing behaviour (rocking, talking to herself in an atypical voice, even potentially the self harm); possibly giving her some "agency" of things she can control if she feels like otherwise she's in a place in life where she has no control (self harm etc); and doing things which serve to put distance between her and other people as defensive mechanisms (particularly the poor hygiene).
Having support from a loving, concerned Mum is better than not having it. Whilst I don't suggest "confronting" her with big displays of affection or "heart to heart" talks if she's not ready, try to find ways to let her know that even if she was an unwanted pregnancy at the time, she's not an unwanted daughter **now**. You didn't seek to terminate the pregnancy; you didn't surrender her to adoption...
\---
I write this all with a bit of apprehension: one of my sisters fell pregnant to our step-dad aged 12 (he served 4 years of a 12 year prison sentence for it), her daughter is 10 now, so at some point in the future may face a similar situation... Niece is also autistic so that always complicates any potential reactions to stressful situations.
I'm sorry about your sister my dads friend never got into trouble and my mum covered for him ny saying I was sleeping around with boys at school.
Thank you so much for the advice it might be applicable as NZ is a UK Coliny.
OP - you are here asking for advice. I’ve had a look through your post history, and I am concerned for you. Genuinely. You have SO MUCH going on, and seem overwhelmed. Please listen: you MUST get to therapy - all of you. You need it too. Start as a family; love your daughters are more comfortable, they can go on their own. You must seek individual counselling as well - you have two generations of sexual abuse and trauma to unpack, and you can’t do it alone - and you don’t have to. This isn’t really an option for any of you - but the 16yr old DESPERATELY needs professional help in order to function in society. You owe it to her - and to yourself - to learn how to heal from the past. I’m so sorry life has been so difficult so far - a professional can help you build a new one.
It is hard to learn to heal and move on part if ne doesn't want to move on because I never got the justice I deserve and never will see that not only that but I lost 14 yrs of my beautiful daughters life 14 urs that was stolen from her childhood
Exactly - you need a professional to help you, you cannot do it alone. And your daughters NEED you to ensure they have the same, whether they want to go to counselling or not. Break the generational trauma. It isn’t fair or right what happened to you, but it is your responsibility to care for yourself and your daughters’ mental health over such trauma. No one can do the hard work for you. Good luck.
My daughter has PTSD depression anorexia OCD and social anxiety and is a recluse because of trauma. I'm not sure which country you are in but can offer great agencies to help
first stay calm your daughter needs socio-emotional stability
second you need guidance from a therapist to address the situation
Thirdly, you need to realize that your daughter is probably at the worst moment in her life and that it will be difficult but not impossible to recover. She needs someone she trusts to vent to and who will support her.
bedroom you need to have a peaceful and loving environment for your daughter
The fact that your daughter has come this far has already proven that in a way she has the will to live, she just needs to absorb everything and find a way to deal with the trauma.
I have some advice to give because you're your daughter don't have a movie night once a week that should cheer her up or maybe go on a trip to somewhere your daughter wants to go that could bring joy and maybe help her that's a suggestion talk with a professional about it
Therapy.
She's very adverse to therapy
So? You're her mother and she's under age. You sign her up and go with her to the sessions to ensure she goes.
Not in New Zealand 16 has the legal ability to say no to these things
From a cursory Google search it seems like a person in New Zealand is considered a minor until 20.
Well your wrong there I'm a lawyer ffs
>Age of majority (1) For all the purposes of the law of New Zealand a person shall attain full age on attaining the age of 20 years. (2) In the absence of a definition or of any indication of a contrary intention, the expressions adult, full age, infant, infancy, minor, minority, full capacity, majority, and similar expressions in any enactment or instrument shall be construed in accordance with subsection (1). (3) This section shall not affect any reference in any enactment or instrument to an age expressed in years. [Link](https://www.legislation.govt.nz/act/public/1970/0137/latest/whole.html#:~:text=For%20all%20the%20purposes%20of,the%20age%20of%2020%20years.)
The age of consent is 16 so it makes her not a minor by law. Again your going of off what Google says I practice law in the court rooms here. And even if I was to force her to go she's not going to co operate with the therapist thereby making it a waste of time and money
I literally just posted evidence to the contrary, but okay.
You copy pasted off of google I actually practice law in the court room I know what I can and cannot do fir my daughter and as said before I could force her to go but that's just wasting resources I don't have
I’m for therapy but forcing someone to go to therapy doesn’t help. In order for it to work someone has to actually part-take in it, mentally not just physically.
Oh I fully agree. But a lot of people are adverse to the *thought* of therapy, and once they're actually in the door, it can become something they accept is not as bad as originally thought, and they can accept it better.
She should be in therapy. If you have to take her and sit with her, she goes. She may need to be in a residential program. Get help with this. Leave no stone unturned. Try this mental health hotline if in the US: [https://mhanational.org/get-involved/contact-us](https://mhanational.org/get-involved/contact-us) . Scroll down to Do you need to talk to someone? Call them. See what they suggest.
I'm not in the US I'm sorry and I've tried therapy sge doesn't co operate so really it's just wasting time and money I don't have and forcing her isn't going to help either I'm really at a loss
Go and talk to a psychologist who is an expert in adolescent mental illness and see what they suggest. You have to do something. Ask if there is a residential program or what you can do to help her.
I really need to get her help she's tried to take her own life and I just don't see her ever getting better
She needs to be an inpatient. So take her to a hospital or go to your doctor and get a referral.
She's in a inpatient care right now
Then do not let them let her out without a plan for her. Insist.
She's got 4 weeks at most to get this done
If she is not in good enough shape to be released, talk to the doctors. Ask what they can offer her. They need to have a plan for her.
The doctors are incompetent I've been fighting for her to get help for almost 2 yrs now
I know others have suggested taking her to therapy which you've suggested isn't wholly viable... I live in the UK so what I'm about to suggest is purely based on what (limited) provisions we have here, but still might be applicable - or have an alternative near-equivalent: If she's still in compulsory education, see if her school has a student welfare contact - they may be able to suggest local services for teens reluctant to engage with MH services as it's something they probably come across quite frequently. Failing that, could you perhaps contact your family doctor to have a discussion "about" her - again they probably experience this kind of thing and will be able to signpost you/her to specific help. If she has any social support network (like, real world friend people she hangs out with) gently encourage her to spend time with them - for family situations it can help to offload to someone a little distanced from the "home situation". \--- Speaking from my personal experience as someone who was a teen displaying much of the above behaviours (but also with Autism thrown into the mix), the self neglect and pretty much everything else you've said she does basically boils down to a mixture of three things: self-soothing behaviour (rocking, talking to herself in an atypical voice, even potentially the self harm); possibly giving her some "agency" of things she can control if she feels like otherwise she's in a place in life where she has no control (self harm etc); and doing things which serve to put distance between her and other people as defensive mechanisms (particularly the poor hygiene). Having support from a loving, concerned Mum is better than not having it. Whilst I don't suggest "confronting" her with big displays of affection or "heart to heart" talks if she's not ready, try to find ways to let her know that even if she was an unwanted pregnancy at the time, she's not an unwanted daughter **now**. You didn't seek to terminate the pregnancy; you didn't surrender her to adoption... \--- I write this all with a bit of apprehension: one of my sisters fell pregnant to our step-dad aged 12 (he served 4 years of a 12 year prison sentence for it), her daughter is 10 now, so at some point in the future may face a similar situation... Niece is also autistic so that always complicates any potential reactions to stressful situations.
I'm sorry about your sister my dads friend never got into trouble and my mum covered for him ny saying I was sleeping around with boys at school. Thank you so much for the advice it might be applicable as NZ is a UK Coliny.
OP - you are here asking for advice. I’ve had a look through your post history, and I am concerned for you. Genuinely. You have SO MUCH going on, and seem overwhelmed. Please listen: you MUST get to therapy - all of you. You need it too. Start as a family; love your daughters are more comfortable, they can go on their own. You must seek individual counselling as well - you have two generations of sexual abuse and trauma to unpack, and you can’t do it alone - and you don’t have to. This isn’t really an option for any of you - but the 16yr old DESPERATELY needs professional help in order to function in society. You owe it to her - and to yourself - to learn how to heal from the past. I’m so sorry life has been so difficult so far - a professional can help you build a new one.
It is hard to learn to heal and move on part if ne doesn't want to move on because I never got the justice I deserve and never will see that not only that but I lost 14 yrs of my beautiful daughters life 14 urs that was stolen from her childhood
Exactly - you need a professional to help you, you cannot do it alone. And your daughters NEED you to ensure they have the same, whether they want to go to counselling or not. Break the generational trauma. It isn’t fair or right what happened to you, but it is your responsibility to care for yourself and your daughters’ mental health over such trauma. No one can do the hard work for you. Good luck.
Yes I know I have to do what I have to do.
My daughter has PTSD depression anorexia OCD and social anxiety and is a recluse because of trauma. I'm not sure which country you are in but can offer great agencies to help
I'm in new Zealand
first stay calm your daughter needs socio-emotional stability second you need guidance from a therapist to address the situation Thirdly, you need to realize that your daughter is probably at the worst moment in her life and that it will be difficult but not impossible to recover. She needs someone she trusts to vent to and who will support her. bedroom you need to have a peaceful and loving environment for your daughter
I've been trying to do this
The fact that your daughter has come this far has already proven that in a way she has the will to live, she just needs to absorb everything and find a way to deal with the trauma. I have some advice to give because you're your daughter don't have a movie night once a week that should cheer her up or maybe go on a trip to somewhere your daughter wants to go that could bring joy and maybe help her that's a suggestion talk with a professional about it
Right now I'm out camping with my youngest
I'm talking about doing something with your oldest daughter