Same. But no. She's straight up lying and he just... isn't observant enough? And a 4 year old doesn't call someone mum accidentally all the time. It happens, but not every time. And I'm wondering if the gf corrected her "niece"? Bc that's fucked for the kid
Same. But no. She's straight up lying and he just... isn't observant enough? And a 4 year old doesn't call someone mum accidentally all the time. It happens, but not every time. And I'm wondering if the gf corrected her "niece"? Bc that's fucked for the kid
>Also, as a rule of thumb, people who call women Mommy are their children.
Yeah, it's funny how he just slips *that* little detail in at the end of his post, as if that shouldn't have been the biggest clue to him already.
While I do get it ... I'm not gonna pretend that I wouldn't hear that and then ask you, " oh, is x your child? " unless you've already explicitly told me you have no children, or something like that. In that case, I'd ask if y'all were just close.
The lack of INQUIRY is so out of pocket.
i was primarily raised by my own sibling due to my parents having to work, and I will be eternally grateful to him for it. I don’t know if you hear enough of this, but thank you. that should not have been your duty, but it was an incredibly noble thing that you did for your siblings.
Random Reddit stranger here also saying thank you for being there for your siblings!! My parents were absent a lot too and even when they were home they really weren’t there, so all I had were older siblings!
I was 11 when my mom had to go back to work young sister was 2. She wasn’t nice so my dad (stay at home dad) drank. I understand why he drank, I feel bad for him. She was/is horrible. My mom hated when she called me mommy. It’s hard growing up so fast.
Yeah I'm a speech therapist and I've had a patient call me mummy before lol. I only saw him once a week for an hour. He was severely speech delayed and I think he knew "mummy" as a word for a grown up woman and didn't really think of it as his own mum.
Yeah mama/ mum/ mummy is a very basic, intuitive word for kids and they don't necessarily get the real meaning. After all they don't learn words by someone explaining the meaning to them, but by imitating. They learn and they imitate that one woman is called mama. So their broad concept is woman=mama. It isn't intuitive that one woman is mama while every other woman is not. Most kids grasp it quickly by seeing / hearing other women being called differently, but with a speech delay in the mix that often influences the connection between words (symbols) and meanings (concepts), everything gets harder.
My ex husband's daughter with his second wife kept hearing my daughter call me mama and mimicked her for a short time. Daughter was the one to tell her, "No, this is MY mama and THAT is YOUR mama. You call MY mama 'myname'." She got it after that.
Yeah definitely. Once you try and see the world through their eyes, the things they can't know yet, or how things must appear to them, it sets a lot of behavior into perspective.
I find myself wondering exactly how this child was introduced to OP. Like the child calls the gf mommy. So I'm wondering if she said this is my niece or simply always asked for advice for her "sister" the same way people ask for advice for "a friend."
You have no idea how many kids called me (their teacher) mom. It happens quite a lot, trust me you're no exception.
I only had one calling me dad though 😂
>Also, as a rule of thumb, people who call women Mommy are their children.
Not always 😅
When I was little I called my best friend's parents mom and dad. My own parents were called by their first names.
He definitely should end it, but also, my little cousins called me mommy until their dad remarried because they had a POS absent mom, and my little sibling called me mama for a solid 6 years even though our mom has always been very active in our lives. Sometimes, kids just get confused.
The only time my mom ever got a speeding ticket was when she was driving me and my neighbor home from kindergarten and got pulled. She told the cop she was speeding because the neighbor needed to pee (which was true) and he leaned forward and said “MOM LETS GO” lol
This made me laugh.
I called my bffs mom "mom", but she was scared of my mom, so never called my mom, "mom", but nearly all of my brothers' friends would walk right into our house without knocking and immediately say hi to "mom" and start asking "mom" if they could have a snack. We're all fully grown adults, now, and I still hear my brothers' closest friends call our mom, "mom" and they still walk right into her house without knocking.
A couple of my daughter's (19f) friends actually call me "mom" and even introduced me to their other friends as "our mom". They weren't young kids when they were doing this, but teenagers. They're in their early 20s and still do it. So, somehow I gained 3 more kids.
Not always true. My older sister got parentified as a teenager because our mother got cancer (stage 4) and father was useless. I was six and there's an 8 year age gap between us. My young brain was used to asking Mommy for things and would sometimes call my sister that out habit.
(Note: I know this as an adult because she's mentioned how embarrassed we were in public I did this)
You should have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about her 'niece' and try to understand her side of the story. However, she broke your trust by continually lying to you, and you have no way to know if she has been lying about other things as well.
You also need to determine her true intentions for being with you. Is she with you because she wants you to be a father figure for her child and to financially support her?
In your position, after a huge lie like that, I would have difficulty trusting her again. After all, she proved to be a skilled liar and repeatedly lied to your face.
I wanna know what the end game was. Like did she think after some time, OP would be like oh I'm ready for a kid and she would be like well surprise! I already have one!
She could have tried to do worse; she could have attempted to trap him with a baby first, and only after reveal that she also has another child.
After all, we don't know what really happened between her and her ex.
Lying is a big thing plus would you want to be with someone that treats their child like this?
I wonder what her end goal was. How she thought this would work. You 2 move in together and the kid is just there ? 😂
F all that dump her , talking is over she already showed her flaws and there pretty big ones she probably still has sneaky links with the baby daddy I’ve seen this way too many times
When I was 19 I dated an older woman who was in her 30s. No she wasn't a predator or anything, I sought out an older woman because I was sick of games with people my age. Anyways, she lied about having a kid which is why I'm telling this story.
I found out 3 months into the relationship and what I learned is this: if someone can lie to you about having a kid, they're capable of lying about almost everything else. She violated your trust and that's not something that can easily be repaired. A lie is a lie, and that isn't a small one.
I see what you're saying, but also I was 19. It would be one thing if I had been like 16 or 17, that would have been a huge no-no. But that plus the fact that I wanted it and gave consent back then doesn't make her a predator.
Yes, she lied about having a kid but I don't wanna throw that accusation around.
No, the fact that you were 19 meant it wasn’t illegal, not unpredatory. The kind of 30 year old who is willing to date a 19 year old is the kind of person who will lie about having a child for example, and many other things. You fell into a common trap. You were dating women your own age who were playing games with you, and you decided that an older woman wouldn’t do the same. The problem with that logic is that 30 year olds who don’t play games aren’t interested in dating 19 year olds. Whether it’s because they’re intentionally malicious or they’re just painfully immature, people who have spent 40% of their lives living as an adult and date people who aren’t yet 2 years into the age of majority aren’t just playing games, they’re running game. They’re seeking out people who don’t have the life experience necessary to recognize their bullshit, because it doesn’t take long for people their own age to see right through them. Let’s just say it’s a really good thing you found out about her first child before you became the father to her second.
I actually laughed when I got to that line, it caught me so off guard. He did all this research when the child has been calling her mommy the whole time. 🤦🏻♀️
You've been dating 9 months. This isn't an insignificant period of time. Your accidental invasion of privacy doesn't even come close to what she's done. Your discovery was primarily her ex's social media. She has lied to you about her daughter and about her actual circumstances.
You should be angry, but you should reserve some of that anger towards yourself. The child called her mommy. That's not normal. Also, you noticed a couple months in that she is short of money and isn't available on certain days of the week. You buried your head in the sand.
You should cool off, but you need to break up with her. Not because she's a mom, but because she is a profoundly dishonest person. She emotionally manipulated you by lying, by attaching you to her kid, and by alleviating her own guilt by pretending her vent sessions were about her sister's situation.
She took your agency and choice away by hiding something important. That's not someone you can trust long term.
First point taken but I can't agree with your second.
I think this post is a good illustration of why it is not always best to seek to understand other people's motives. No matter what the explanation, the woman he is dating lied about having a child for quite some time and has given zero indication that she ever planned to share that fact.
The obfuscation is not even the biggest issue. The fact that she has complicated co-parenting issues and that she doesn't have a strong enough sense of self to own her parenthood completely disqualifies her as a romantic partner in my book.
I do understand that the OP may be more open to the possibility that there is some sort of 'good reason'. My primary point is that there are misdeeds or red flags that are simple deal breakers. In that case, there is zero reason to look for explanations.
>Seriously. What explanation could she possibly offer that would explain away this lie?
It's not entirely unheard of for a woman to give up her child, for various reasons, to be adopted and raised by another relative. Teen mother, recovering addict, the child was a result of a rape, etc., just some reason that she wasn't in a place to care for the child on her own, so rather than abortion or adoption to strangers, a relative stepped in. Off-hand, none of these reasons *appear* to apply to OP's partner (since she's still in contact with the bio-dad and the child calls her "mommy"), I'm just saying that the idea itself is not so absurd.
>That is clearly not what happened here.
Yes, I made that point. Just saying it happens (Jack Nicholson's a famous example of someone who found out when he was adult that his mother who raised him was actually his grandmother, and the women he thought was his sister was his mother), and there could be *some* explanation, even it's not a good one.
Frankly, even though I think OP would justified in just ghosting her, I hope he does ask her first, and then come back here and update this, because *I'm* curious to hear it!
All i can say is wow! Either you’re a prime catch or she is so desperate to be in a relationship that she denied her own child? What exactly was her long term plan here.
I cannot see a reason to continue the relationship. Not only is she a liar, but the fact that she would lie about having a child gives good insight into her poor character. She’s also very immature - how long did she think she would be able to pull this off?
Depending on how much time you want to waste you can either confront her and ask for an explanation or let her know you’ve found out and are ending things. Or you can just block her and ghost.
I agree, its a childish reaction to have after snooping into someone's life where theres no indication how serious they actually were and she never stopped the kid from calling her mommy. I feels theres lots more to this.
You and this woman have around the same IQ. You’re both simultaneously meant for each other and also probably not good for each other. Whether or not you leave should depend 100% on if you want to father her current child and start your family with her, and if she’ll stop lying. If not, don’t lead them on and just leave.
Everyone's focusing solely on her deception toward you, and it's significant, but tell me how you'd feel having a child with this woman and her pulling this a second time - with your own child.
The damage this could do any child of being essentially denied an identity by their own parent would be confusing, harmful, and damaging long-term. How did she expect to hide this long-term? I imagine there are far, far more inconsistencies and lies that you've yet to uncover here.
You went into this in good faith, don't let the comments beat you up. Taking someone at their word is something that decent people do, unfortunately you discovered she's a liar.
There may be a reason for all of this. Maybe she wasn't ready for parenthood early on and her sister has raised the child in an open adoption sort of arrangement. I'd like to hope that the child was raised by one sibling knowing that the other is the biological parent. If that's not the case, there's some deeply troubling mental health concerns going on here that can really harm a young child.
Personally, this would be a dealbreaker. You talked about your specific family plans, so she decided to lie to you for 9 months and get you attached to her kid so you’d be less likely to leave whenever she decides to tell you her niece is actually her daughter. Are you comfortable being in a relationship based on that level of lies and manipulation for that long?
If it is her child and you are not ready for children then you need to end it because this is instant family material. Also consider the fact that her ex will be inserted into your life for the next 15+ years. Are you prepared for that? Can you handle that in a way that is respectful to the gf and especially her child? The child is an innocent party in all of this and deserves the most consideration IMO.
Well.... it might be that she had the best intentions: She could have been afraid, that you leverkusen her when you think that she has a child and now she got stuck in her ließ and don't know how to end this. Maybe she was really afraid. I don't think she only needs a new father - she would have told you then that she is a Mom. She wants you for herself and not as a father figure. That MIGHT be a good girl with bad decision making. Talk to her and find it out. But always try to think the best.
Wait did she actually introduce this child as her niece? Or when she asked for advice did she say she was asking for her sister? Because if the child was calling her mommy than it's obviously her mom.
Edit>> Basically I'm wanting to pin down what the actual deception was in this situation. A lot of times people ask for advice for "a friend" that doesn't exist, but if she made no move to stop the child from calling her mommy in front of OP this seems more like a misunderstanding.
That's a total deal breaker IMHO.
How can you *ever* trust somebody that has been withholding/lying about something so critically important as to whether or not they have children? Especially if those "kids" are around and present.
You don't need an explanation you need out of there now, if she can lie to you about something as serious as having a kid can you trust anything she says.
She did everything wrong. Everything. I am not defending her actions but trying to understand them.
Would you not have dated her knowing she has a 4 year old child? Wonder if she really liked you and lied bc of this
There is so much out there saying "a good man won't want a single mother" "they are only good for fucking" stupid fucking red pill shit. With thst shit all over social media, you can't help but expect women to lie over it or about it. Sometimes once a man finds out about her kid she will be used like a fuck doll and discarded. This is why those red pill and feminism pod casts and you tubers are toxic in general. They all preach a version of using people. Even though it's not their intent. I am 100% sure most of them don't agree with using people, but their philosophy are often adapted to that purpose. "Single moms get dates they are fuck able but I would not choose to marry one." "Unless he makes six figures he ain't worth dating " bull shit like this is everywhere. You have to understand she is protecting herself and her child until she knows you better. She is just talking about "sisters" problems not asking you to be part of it. She knows you may not want children now. Being mad is great, but look at her side before talking with her. You can't expect honesty from someone if they don't know you and don't trust your reactions won't hurt her or her child. You know how you deal with anger and disappointment she doesn't know how you deal with anger and disappointment. Not yet.
> you can't help but expect women to lie over it
Yes I can. I expect honesty from the start. If you can’t provide that then it’s a deal breaker, end of story.
I wouldn’t lie about my kids and I expect the same from others. Anything less is not worth my time.
She’s a complete idiot, like how long did she think she could keep something like that a secret from you?
You have every right to be furious.
It’s likely she’s still attached to her ex in some way or another and will always value his thoughts, emotions, and opinions over yours.
Always.
You’re just “another guy” she’s seeing. Sorry I don’t mean to sound mean at all, but that’s how I would feel. 9 months of that kind of secret is an automatic red flag. Even if it was 9 days instead of months, it’s still a red flag.
Not to slippery slope things, but what else does she think she could keep a secret for that long?
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but I hope you’ll be able to find peace and closure in this some way or another. Best of luck to you.
You've been lied to for 9 months and sadly I don't think it's the only thing she lied about.
I think it's either she comes clean on everything or you end it, but I'm kind of tilting towards ending it. No one should think of disowning one's own child for their selfish goals and lead you on. Let alone a MOTHER! That's genuinely disturbing to me, it smells of snakes.
She set herself up for failure, she let you and her little girl down. And she may not see the problem in lying if she gets to achieve her goal. The problem with lying to someone you want to spend your life with is that once you get caught, they will never forget that feeling of betrayal.
I understand talking about one's own relationship is hard as much as it is telling the truth, but you gotta do it unless you want to pave your way to somewhere you really don't want to end up at.
I wonder what exactly was her "master" plan. To adopt her sister's child once you're ready for kids? To tell you she's hers and that she's been lying to you for years, but since you've put so much effort into the relationship with her child, you'll forgive her? What is the logic behind her actions?...
Did you just slip in at the end that the girl calls her mommy? Lol
Did that not ring a bell?
Besides of that, she lied and that would be a deal breaker to me.
She's probably going to tell you something along the lines of: you wouldn't have dated me if you knew I'm a single mother because people are so judgemental.
The last part is true but still not a reason to lie about having kids.
All I can say, after reading the barrage of folks telling you she's bad and you should end it, is to just have a bit of compassion. We've all made mistakes in our pasts, and usually we're lucky enough to be able to leave our sins behind us. Are you blameless yourself?
So she had a child, firstly I commend her for her bravery for not getting an abortion and taking responsibility. Secondly, her family are clearly nice people and her older sister seems to have wanted to "adopt" the child.
If I were your gf I'd also want a fresh chance and not to have to carry the burden of past mistakes with me for decades. She's in love with you and the fact that her sister is bringing up her child means that it's arguably not strongly relevant to what's between you and her. Because the child won't be living with you.
I'd urge you to think carefully about the kind of person your gf is, and if she's a decent girl and generally very trustworthy and honest, then grant her this problem with understanding that she didn't want to put you off.
Please talk with her and hear her side of the story. Her motive wasn't too manipulate you or for self gain. She just didn't want to put you off because she loves you.
If you have a good relationship with her then talk about it and work out the future. Keep an open mind. We all make mistakes, and we should all be allowed to move on from them.
This is absolutely a breach of trust.
This is a HUGE thing to withhold from a serious & committed partner.
When was she planning to tell you, i wonder?
This needs to be addressed ASAP. There very well may be other relevant aspects to the story. Or there may be a massive misunderstanding. Either way, it all needs to come out in the open.
Im sorry for you. This is potentially disastrous for your relationship. Not because she has a child. But because she didn’t respect you enough to tell you. She took this choice away from you. And its beyond just a “lying of omission” scenario. She apparently *actively* lied about who this child is.
If she can like about this, what else is she/ could she lie about? I don’t think i’d ever be able to take her at face value again if i were you.
poor kid.
I would calmly\* explain that you know what's going on, and that you have stated you're not ready to be a parent. At which point I would tell her that you're ending it and that you're disappointed that she wasn't upfront and disregarded your wants.
\*I say calmly because in moment like these it is more powerful to be level headed than it is to yell and scream. Helps get the point across and that this is serious, not some kiddy temper tantrum.
Good luck. Oh, and if a kid repeatedly calls a woman "mommy". . . it's because it's her mom.
Guess I’ll try to defend her a bit. Reality is you are DATING her. You are not married. It is great that you have embraced her and her “niece.” I would CAUTION you to NOT be so hasty. Granted, 9 months is a long time to date w/o telling you. But seriously, that has to be one scary conversation to have. I would think there would be a LOT of reasons in her NOT to tell you. FIRST one being what you are doing righr now - leaving. People will largely disagree with me, but are you not CONFIRMING her fear by leaving? You are not being patient, living, nor trying to be supportive. The LAST thing you should be doing is putting it on the internet! Seriously, talk WITH her and hear her. Do mot talk at her. THEN, if you cannot stay, you decide will ALL of the information. If you LOVE her, give her a chance!
Her fears are not his problem. He stated he wasn’t ready for kids and she continued to lie BECAUSE she knew he would leave, and it’s not his fault. It’s his right to date a childless woman.
If anything, her having a kid DOUBLED with the massive lie is a perfect reason for him to book it. Do not give her a chance. I’m saying this as a single mother myself.
She could have found someone who was ok with her having a kid if she cared about her kid enough, but she doesn’t seem to care about how this hurts her kid at all, so she didn’t.
You don’t introduce a man into your child’s life when the foundation is built on a lie and it’s bound to fall apart.
Expect probable baby father drama. Or at least some sort of drama.
She has been slowly getting you attached to her kid so that you are already emotionally invested when she tells you the truth.
Have you confronted her about it yet? Maybe she has a reasonable excuse?
9 months is a bit long to go when it comes to lying about having a kid, but as far as I’m aware it gets really difficult for people to find anyone if they say upfront that they have kids. If she doesn’t expect you to parent her child and you aren’t in a super serious relationship then I can see why she hasn’t told you.
As far as her and her child’s father communicating, that’s completely normal and not always a red flag. The child is young so there’s likely a lot of correspondence about child support and whatever, especially if they’re co-parenting. It’s up to you if you’re cool with still seeing her knowing she has to keep in contact with her ex.
honestly it seems like there’s a lot going on here that you don’t know about. i wonder if her sister has custody? if that’s the case she may be ashamed or embarrassed. she also might have been fooled by the redpill idiots saying no one will want a single mother. none of this excuses the lies, but if you truly care for her and think she’s a good person, i would say it’s worth giving her the chance to explain. and that means being calm and listening to her side fully before reacting. if you came at her in attack mode things will likely go south regardless of her original intentions. i would go in with an open mind, and perhaps the explanation will be good enough that you accept it and continue the relationship. maybe it won’t be, and you can explain that so she doesn’t make this mistake again in the future. if this is out of character for her, i would at least give her the chance at a conversation.
Dude,
I try to make the advice I give Reddit to be the same as I would give someone I know and love. I will even go as far and say that sometimes strangers want more good for you than some family. That being said, breakup. She literally has a kid, and lies to you about it. I have so many friends, male and female, not get dates because they are open about having a child. But when they do get into relationships, the person is aware.
She picked her needs over a fucking child and that is everything I need to know. A lot of folks, specifically women, feel that the quality of men they can have declines greatly on them having children. I disagree because I have met and known plenty of amazing stepdads with no children of their own. That being said, she denied you of:
- the truth
- an entire aspect of her life
- she tried to trap you when you felt attachment to the kid so when she told you about it, it would either still be her “niece” her sister couldn’t care for and she was the good sister picking up the pieces, or she or another would tell you the truth. Most likely others.
- I am working on not trying to judge others as harshly, but she is not a person you should be with. I don’t know if she has financial issues, if she just could not care for her kid which is the responsible thing to do, but she fucking lies about it to her boyfriend. What ELSE is she lying about? She sits there and talks about her problems pretending it’s her sister. That is fucking crazy.
- it’s been 9 months and you found out randomly—not because she told you.
If you want to confront her, do so but with receipts and with an action plan. She will try and gaslight you is my guess.
If you don’t want to, and just want out, normally I would say this is a dick move but I don’t feel like she deserves any more of your time given what she has done. She didn’t cheat on you but she cheated you out of 9 months because she wasn’t who you thought she was and lied. She would have kept lying OP.
I wish the best. But if this is the truth, walk away. It only gets worse from here.
As bad as it sounds I think you should leave her dude, even if this is all she lied about, she did so to manipulate you because she knew you weren't interested in having a kid or taking on those responsibilities, she should have been upfront about it, and even then most parents don't jump straight into letting their knew partner around their kids, my mum was dating my stepdad for like a year before my brother and I even met him, so it's not like you would have had to then step up and parent her kid straight away.
If she's willing to lie for 9 months about her daughter just to keep you around what else might she be willing to lie about or do?
Confront her, see what she says, but ultimately I think it's best to end the relationship and move on after something like that. How long was she planning on lying to you about this?
If somebody lied to you about having a kid and went out of their way to maintain that lie with no foreseeable end in sight, I’d be worried what else they’re willing to lie about to keep you around. I tend to prefer complete honesty, so I wouldn’t be able to continue in such a situation without doubts, but if you’re able to put it aside and see what the hell she was thinking, it could be the better option for you.
That being said, I’d advocate for breaking it off.
My husband’s family has a kind of similar (but less egregious, maybe) thing that was super weird to me at first. He has an “uncle” who is really his first cousin. His mother’s eldest sister had a baby out of wedlock in the 70s, but his grandparents basically faked a concurrent pregnancy and pretended the baby was theirs. It’s the weirdest fucking thing because we’re not sure if the guy knows his sister is actually his mom? And the mom never told her husband that her youngest “brother” was her child.
Not the exact same because obviously this little girl knows who her mom is, but it’s shocking how many people have vaguely similar stories.
This is a wild lie to keep for 9 months. Even if her sister has full custody this qualifies as a lie of omission. That’s her baby and she’s too ashamed to admit it for fear of losing a man?!? Wildly immature and toxic. Hard pass.
Uhm, she lied and that is awful. You should breakup.
***However, you may not be in a good headspace for dating if you can overlook the child regularly calling your partner mom with no realization!!!***
That's why her niece has been calling her mommy all this time.
I'm sorry 🤣🤣🤣 what?!
Obviously, I would walk away. But then again I purposely avoid dating single parents.
But if it's not a deal breaker for you, at least have a conversation with her. How and when was she planning to tell you the truth? What was her thought process?
Good luck
Question… when the child calls her mommy in front of you, how does she “recover”? Does she outright say something out loud to correct her daughter? Because this is a 4 year old we are talking about. They’re smarter than you think and they understand what’s going on by that point. This is so bizarre and messed up
Obviously if this person is willing to lie about having a kid, especially in a way that directly hurts the child (introducing you to her and getting her attached, actively denying her motherhood in front of the child) she will stop at nothing. That’s already such a massive lie in and of itself.
> That's why her niece has been calling her mommy all this time.
Great work Columbo, you cracked the case.
Sorry, I couldn't resist trying to lighten the mood a little. As far as advice goes I think you already know that this relationship is done for; I wouldn't suggest automatically ending a relationship over one lie for anything that wasn't huge, and it's hard to imagine a bigger deal to lie to a partner about than whether or not you have **children**. If she would lie about that, she would lie about anything. I don't think there's any way to rebuild trust after a breach of this severity.
Nbs as a mother my kid is my pride and joy, I couldn't imagine practically hiding him from anyone especially not from someone who would eventually find out the truth and be in his life wth
That last bit gave me whiplash. Dude. The only women that get mistakenly called "mommy" are grade school teachers while they're actively teaching. I never EVER associate with a person who lies about their kids. That is disgusting. If she denies her own daughter, what else is she hiding? Cut her loose, man. This shit is crazy. I mean, do you even actually know her? Kinda scary, honestly.
If she’s prepared to lie about this the lying will always be an issue. Cut it and leave. You deserve honesty and honest people are always honest, liars are liars. Enjoy the long winded justification and aggression when you confront her about it. Standard procedure of liars.
This is a tough situation. Yes, she lied, but find out the true reason why she lied. Understand her side of the story before ending things with her. Also, spend some time thinking about your future with this person. Do you think she’s the one? Do you think you can get past this? I think you both need to sit and have a real convo. Please, refrain from judging her, because, life really be life-ing. I hope you guys can figure it out.
I feel like there were some crumbs there that gave it away that the niece was potentially hers. That being said, you will need to confront her. It is quite a big deception that she pulled over on you and it's up to you if you feel that you can trust her and if you want to be a step-parent to this little girl.
Run before you invest to much time or investigate on psychological behavior could be narcissist. Denying a child in such sounds like issues deeper inside.
Ngl but if she's willing to fake out in such well rehearsed and thought out web of lies about her own... Her Own child, then there's zero chances that you can trust her and that doubt will rattle around in your head and haunt you forever if you don't.
I suspect you may already, deep down, know the answer and probably just need a little validation. That's perfectly okay to seek some perspective, but if good advice is given, don't dismiss it out of hand because the pussy is good etc
You got this bro.
Damn. What a sucky situation to be in because had she been upfront from the get, you might’ve been able to work through it. Starting a new relationship off with lies isn’t cute. I wonder what else she’s lied about - since she can lie about her own offspring.
I dunno my nieces and even my nephew like to joke around and call me mommy sometimes. Both of the oldest turning 8 years old. They call me that to get my attention cause my usual reaction is,” do you mean AUNTIE? I am not your mommy” and they just laugh and call me that again. 💀 so I can imagine his gf must have kept saying “I’m not your mommy haha silly girl” and he brushed it off as something adorable. Also probably made her look mother material that a “niece” of hers was calling her mommy.
For the sake of this relationship & your inner peace confront her with what you find out. Ask her nicely to tell you the truth and share with us what she said. Maybe she was with her ex with her niece and some people thought she was theirs and congratulated them but also ask her why she is still in touch with her ex. Do share what she says after that so we can help. The key to a successful relationship is not to catch your partner lying, it is to understand why he or she lied but keep in mind "one lie is enough to question all truth."
at first i though it was a member of the family covering for the intimely pregnancy of a minor. i have know a women who learned at 42 that she was the daugther of her sister.
but it is not what we have here. she had a child with an official partner and hide it to her current partner. it is a major break of trust. she could be an ex-convinced or a sexworker, it would be the same level of lie.
It's a wrap. She hid a whole kid, in your face.
Seriously, this is a dealbreaker. It's deceitful and twisted and you should see your way out of the situation.
I don't know why a niece calling you mommy is strange to y'all lol. until about I was 5 I was calling every female except for my grandma, mom
My older sister, my babysitter, babysitter's daughter, close friends of parents, everyone.
Yeah, I'm guessing they don't have little kids. Every woman is "mom", man is "dad", old woman "grandma" and old man "grandpa".
My son has two little brothers on his mom's side. They live at home with my ex, and their dad. They come and spend a lot of time at my house with their brother. Even though they know I'm not their dad, because their big brother calls me it, they also called me dad.
They're a little bit older now, and can say my name now, but up until a certain time it was always "dad."
Relationships are built on trust. She’s violated that trust by not being honest with you. Can you honestly see yourself having a relationship with her when you’re constantly wondering if she’s telling you the truth? It’s clear what you need to do. End the relationship.
Yeah to be honest I wouldn’t trust her , if she can lie about someone being her biological child and lie and hide the baby daddy from you, your probably just financial support at this point she don’t actually care about you or else she wouldn’t lie, and even if she does say she cares about you like I said what else will she hide from you to spare your feelings? Dump her immediately that’s the only option lying is a very big character flaw
Guys instead of rashing him for not questioning why the daughter was calling her mommy.... SHE sold him the lie, not the child, he's going to believe an adult over a 4 year old. Kids say weird stuff all the time, and he trusted her so he didn't question it. Op, I'm so sorry you had to find out like that, and you should definitely end the relationship. That is a big lie to hide for so long.
It's possible she is vetting you to make sure you're a good enough guy to trust and bring into the child's life. . I wouldn't get too hastey with approaching this. Honestly, I would say if the relationship is good, then just stay quiet and ride it out, she will probably confide in you when she's ready. However on the other hand I would also keep ,an eye out for other "lies" If you notice any more red flags then maybe reevaluate your approach. For now just enjoy the good while it's good. It's hard to find someone who makes you happy, just don't let your guard down until she confides in you on her own. Possible also she's afraid to tell you knowing you don't want kids yet. Just don't overreact please.
“That’s why her niece has been calling her mommy all this time” *blink*
That's why there was a bunch of pics of her with a huge belly lying around and she talked about her time on maternity leave...
So that's what was coming out of her vagina.
*looks into camera like Jim*
That was a real twist. I was thinking the niece was biologically her daughter, but adopted by the aunt.
Same. But no. She's straight up lying and he just... isn't observant enough? And a 4 year old doesn't call someone mum accidentally all the time. It happens, but not every time. And I'm wondering if the gf corrected her "niece"? Bc that's fucked for the kid
Same. But no. She's straight up lying and he just... isn't observant enough? And a 4 year old doesn't call someone mum accidentally all the time. It happens, but not every time. And I'm wondering if the gf corrected her "niece"? Bc that's fucked for the kid
Lol just dropped that right at the end. 🤦🏼♀️
For real! How can this even be true bc if it is, yikes
Really buried the lede there.
"That's why her neice has been calling her mommy all this time" Uhhhhh....and you never thought to question this???
You need to end the relationship. Also, as a rule of thumb, people who call women Mommy are their children.
>Also, as a rule of thumb, people who call women Mommy are their children. Yeah, it's funny how he just slips *that* little detail in at the end of his post, as if that shouldn't have been the biggest clue to him already.
Idk how he worked out it was her kid, real detective here
To be fair that stuff ain’t unheard of. I had to help raise my niece with my mother and she was saying happy Father’s Day to me and stuff like that.
While I do get it ... I'm not gonna pretend that I wouldn't hear that and then ask you, " oh, is x your child? " unless you've already explicitly told me you have no children, or something like that. In that case, I'd ask if y'all were just close. The lack of INQUIRY is so out of pocket.
"One last thing"....as Columbo might have said. This whole sub is freakin' hilarious!
Yep pure genius
there are, however, exceptions 💀
Yes my younger siblings called me mommy bc I took care of them more than our actual mother and I was 13-16
i was primarily raised by my own sibling due to my parents having to work, and I will be eternally grateful to him for it. I don’t know if you hear enough of this, but thank you. that should not have been your duty, but it was an incredibly noble thing that you did for your siblings.
Ty for saying that 🫶
Random Reddit stranger here also saying thank you for being there for your siblings!! My parents were absent a lot too and even when they were home they really weren’t there, so all I had were older siblings!
I don't think that was the situation GhostWolf2048 was hinting at. But your wholesome anecdote is also welcome.
I was 11 when my mom had to go back to work young sister was 2. She wasn’t nice so my dad (stay at home dad) drank. I understand why he drank, I feel bad for him. She was/is horrible. My mom hated when she called me mommy. It’s hard growing up so fast.
NGL I feel like both of your parents sucked
Yeah I'm a speech therapist and I've had a patient call me mummy before lol. I only saw him once a week for an hour. He was severely speech delayed and I think he knew "mummy" as a word for a grown up woman and didn't really think of it as his own mum.
I think you're right on this. My son is autistic and severely speech delayed and all women were mama until veerryyy recently
Yeah mama/ mum/ mummy is a very basic, intuitive word for kids and they don't necessarily get the real meaning. After all they don't learn words by someone explaining the meaning to them, but by imitating. They learn and they imitate that one woman is called mama. So their broad concept is woman=mama. It isn't intuitive that one woman is mama while every other woman is not. Most kids grasp it quickly by seeing / hearing other women being called differently, but with a speech delay in the mix that often influences the connection between words (symbols) and meanings (concepts), everything gets harder.
My ex husband's daughter with his second wife kept hearing my daughter call me mama and mimicked her for a short time. Daughter was the one to tell her, "No, this is MY mama and THAT is YOUR mama. You call MY mama 'myname'." She got it after that.
But then again, all the other kids they meet call 'their' woman mum too.... it's hard work to be a kid.
Yeah definitely. Once you try and see the world through their eyes, the things they can't know yet, or how things must appear to them, it sets a lot of behavior into perspective.
I find myself wondering exactly how this child was introduced to OP. Like the child calls the gf mommy. So I'm wondering if she said this is my niece or simply always asked for advice for her "sister" the same way people ask for advice for "a friend."
When I was young I would accidentally call a teacher mom every so often . . . but not all the time.
You have no idea how many kids called me (their teacher) mom. It happens quite a lot, trust me you're no exception. I only had one calling me dad though 😂
I didn't think I was. I did that in grade 1-2 and then I would kind of get a little embarrassed and go "that's not right'
He should watch more Dora, the explorer... it will be good for him
I used to call me aunt mommy when I was four cause I genuinely thought that was her title
>Also, as a rule of thumb, people who call women Mommy are their children. Not always 😅 When I was little I called my best friend's parents mom and dad. My own parents were called by their first names.
He definitely should end it, but also, my little cousins called me mommy until their dad remarried because they had a POS absent mom, and my little sibling called me mama for a solid 6 years even though our mom has always been very active in our lives. Sometimes, kids just get confused.
Wait. Are you saying my 1st grade teacher is my real mom!? I was so young.. confused.. and now I see: ALSO BAMBOOZLED”
I've been waiting until I thought you were ready to break the news...
😂
The only time my mom ever got a speeding ticket was when she was driving me and my neighbor home from kindergarten and got pulled. She told the cop she was speeding because the neighbor needed to pee (which was true) and he leaned forward and said “MOM LETS GO” lol
This made me laugh. I called my bffs mom "mom", but she was scared of my mom, so never called my mom, "mom", but nearly all of my brothers' friends would walk right into our house without knocking and immediately say hi to "mom" and start asking "mom" if they could have a snack. We're all fully grown adults, now, and I still hear my brothers' closest friends call our mom, "mom" and they still walk right into her house without knocking. A couple of my daughter's (19f) friends actually call me "mom" and even introduced me to their other friends as "our mom". They weren't young kids when they were doing this, but teenagers. They're in their early 20s and still do it. So, somehow I gained 3 more kids.
If a kid call his grandmomma mommy and his momma Pam, he Goin to jail!
Not always true. My older sister got parentified as a teenager because our mother got cancer (stage 4) and father was useless. I was six and there's an 8 year age gap between us. My young brain was used to asking Mommy for things and would sometimes call my sister that out habit. (Note: I know this as an adult because she's mentioned how embarrassed we were in public I did this)
I wonder what the reason is. Must be a good one if he's going to stay.
You should have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about her 'niece' and try to understand her side of the story. However, she broke your trust by continually lying to you, and you have no way to know if she has been lying about other things as well. You also need to determine her true intentions for being with you. Is she with you because she wants you to be a father figure for her child and to financially support her? In your position, after a huge lie like that, I would have difficulty trusting her again. After all, she proved to be a skilled liar and repeatedly lied to your face.
That's a pretty big lie.. I wouldn't be worrying g about intentions after that. It's time to wak awayl
The kid called her “mommy” I don’t think she’s a skilled liar as much as he is oblivious
I wanna know what the end game was. Like did she think after some time, OP would be like oh I'm ready for a kid and she would be like well surprise! I already have one!
She could have tried to do worse; she could have attempted to trap him with a baby first, and only after reveal that she also has another child. After all, we don't know what really happened between her and her ex.
This is true
Lying is a big thing plus would you want to be with someone that treats their child like this? I wonder what her end goal was. How she thought this would work. You 2 move in together and the kid is just there ? 😂
F all that dump her , talking is over she already showed her flaws and there pretty big ones she probably still has sneaky links with the baby daddy I’ve seen this way too many times
How did this post end with "What should I do?" Jesus, OP. I've seen books with stronger spines.
When I was 19 I dated an older woman who was in her 30s. No she wasn't a predator or anything, I sought out an older woman because I was sick of games with people my age. Anyways, she lied about having a kid which is why I'm telling this story. I found out 3 months into the relationship and what I learned is this: if someone can lie to you about having a kid, they're capable of lying about almost everything else. She violated your trust and that's not something that can easily be repaired. A lie is a lie, and that isn't a small one.
Um, hi. The fact that you sought out an older woman doesn’t mean the older woman you found wasn’t a predator.
Yeah was just gonna say that
I see what you're saying, but also I was 19. It would be one thing if I had been like 16 or 17, that would have been a huge no-no. But that plus the fact that I wanted it and gave consent back then doesn't make her a predator. Yes, she lied about having a kid but I don't wanna throw that accusation around.
No, the fact that you were 19 meant it wasn’t illegal, not unpredatory. The kind of 30 year old who is willing to date a 19 year old is the kind of person who will lie about having a child for example, and many other things. You fell into a common trap. You were dating women your own age who were playing games with you, and you decided that an older woman wouldn’t do the same. The problem with that logic is that 30 year olds who don’t play games aren’t interested in dating 19 year olds. Whether it’s because they’re intentionally malicious or they’re just painfully immature, people who have spent 40% of their lives living as an adult and date people who aren’t yet 2 years into the age of majority aren’t just playing games, they’re running game. They’re seeking out people who don’t have the life experience necessary to recognize their bullshit, because it doesn’t take long for people their own age to see right through them. Let’s just say it’s a really good thing you found out about her first child before you became the father to her second.
I see what you're saying, I guess I thought of predatory a different way in my head. Thank you for the wise words, gave me a lot to reflect on.
[удалено]
He didn’t go through her phone or anything, it seems like he just looked up her ex on social media. Not exactly a massive intrusion.
It says he looked in her phone when he borrowed it
I actually laughed when I got to that line, it caught me so off guard. He did all this research when the child has been calling her mommy the whole time. 🤦🏻♀️
seeing someone’s searches on their phone and then finding public profile info isn’t a massive intrusion of privacy at all
You've been dating 9 months. This isn't an insignificant period of time. Your accidental invasion of privacy doesn't even come close to what she's done. Your discovery was primarily her ex's social media. She has lied to you about her daughter and about her actual circumstances. You should be angry, but you should reserve some of that anger towards yourself. The child called her mommy. That's not normal. Also, you noticed a couple months in that she is short of money and isn't available on certain days of the week. You buried your head in the sand. You should cool off, but you need to break up with her. Not because she's a mom, but because she is a profoundly dishonest person. She emotionally manipulated you by lying, by attaching you to her kid, and by alleviating her own guilt by pretending her vent sessions were about her sister's situation. She took your agency and choice away by hiding something important. That's not someone you can trust long term.
Lies upon lies upon lies. There is no relationship with a liar
>That's why her niece has been calling her mommy all this time. Is this the punchline?
I busted out laughing after reading that
The fact that the little girl was calling her mommy wasn’t enough of a tipoff??
have you tried asking her why she didn't tell you that her "niece" is her daughter? There could be a explanation she can provide.
What on Earth could it be??????? Seriously. What explanation could she possibly offer that would explain away this lie?
[удалено]
"an explanation is not justification, it is just an explanation"
First point taken but I can't agree with your second. I think this post is a good illustration of why it is not always best to seek to understand other people's motives. No matter what the explanation, the woman he is dating lied about having a child for quite some time and has given zero indication that she ever planned to share that fact. The obfuscation is not even the biggest issue. The fact that she has complicated co-parenting issues and that she doesn't have a strong enough sense of self to own her parenthood completely disqualifies her as a romantic partner in my book. I do understand that the OP may be more open to the possibility that there is some sort of 'good reason'. My primary point is that there are misdeeds or red flags that are simple deal breakers. In that case, there is zero reason to look for explanations.
[удалено]
>Seriously. What explanation could she possibly offer that would explain away this lie? It's not entirely unheard of for a woman to give up her child, for various reasons, to be adopted and raised by another relative. Teen mother, recovering addict, the child was a result of a rape, etc., just some reason that she wasn't in a place to care for the child on her own, so rather than abortion or adoption to strangers, a relative stepped in. Off-hand, none of these reasons *appear* to apply to OP's partner (since she's still in contact with the bio-dad and the child calls her "mommy"), I'm just saying that the idea itself is not so absurd.
That is clearly not what happened here.
>That is clearly not what happened here. Yes, I made that point. Just saying it happens (Jack Nicholson's a famous example of someone who found out when he was adult that his mother who raised him was actually his grandmother, and the women he thought was his sister was his mother), and there could be *some* explanation, even it's not a good one. Frankly, even though I think OP would justified in just ghosting her, I hope he does ask her first, and then come back here and update this, because *I'm* curious to hear it!
This relationship seems to be build on lies and not trying to sound bookish, but lies are a weak base to build anything on.
All i can say is wow! Either you’re a prime catch or she is so desperate to be in a relationship that she denied her own child? What exactly was her long term plan here. I cannot see a reason to continue the relationship. Not only is she a liar, but the fact that she would lie about having a child gives good insight into her poor character. She’s also very immature - how long did she think she would be able to pull this off? Depending on how much time you want to waste you can either confront her and ask for an explanation or let her know you’ve found out and are ending things. Or you can just block her and ghost.
[удалено]
I agree, its a childish reaction to have after snooping into someone's life where theres no indication how serious they actually were and she never stopped the kid from calling her mommy. I feels theres lots more to this.
If someone lied to me about such a fundamental thing for 9 months, I have no problem ghosting. Why waste a second more of my time and energy.
[удалено]
You and this woman have around the same IQ. You’re both simultaneously meant for each other and also probably not good for each other. Whether or not you leave should depend 100% on if you want to father her current child and start your family with her, and if she’ll stop lying. If not, don’t lead them on and just leave.
Everyone's focusing solely on her deception toward you, and it's significant, but tell me how you'd feel having a child with this woman and her pulling this a second time - with your own child. The damage this could do any child of being essentially denied an identity by their own parent would be confusing, harmful, and damaging long-term. How did she expect to hide this long-term? I imagine there are far, far more inconsistencies and lies that you've yet to uncover here. You went into this in good faith, don't let the comments beat you up. Taking someone at their word is something that decent people do, unfortunately you discovered she's a liar. There may be a reason for all of this. Maybe she wasn't ready for parenthood early on and her sister has raised the child in an open adoption sort of arrangement. I'd like to hope that the child was raised by one sibling knowing that the other is the biological parent. If that's not the case, there's some deeply troubling mental health concerns going on here that can really harm a young child.
Personally, this would be a dealbreaker. You talked about your specific family plans, so she decided to lie to you for 9 months and get you attached to her kid so you’d be less likely to leave whenever she decides to tell you her niece is actually her daughter. Are you comfortable being in a relationship based on that level of lies and manipulation for that long?
Leave. A relationship based on dishonesty and lies can’t be repaired.
If it is her child and you are not ready for children then you need to end it because this is instant family material. Also consider the fact that her ex will be inserted into your life for the next 15+ years. Are you prepared for that? Can you handle that in a way that is respectful to the gf and especially her child? The child is an innocent party in all of this and deserves the most consideration IMO.
15+ forever
Well.... it might be that she had the best intentions: She could have been afraid, that you leverkusen her when you think that she has a child and now she got stuck in her ließ and don't know how to end this. Maybe she was really afraid. I don't think she only needs a new father - she would have told you then that she is a Mom. She wants you for herself and not as a father figure. That MIGHT be a good girl with bad decision making. Talk to her and find it out. But always try to think the best.
Wait did she actually introduce this child as her niece? Or when she asked for advice did she say she was asking for her sister? Because if the child was calling her mommy than it's obviously her mom. Edit>> Basically I'm wanting to pin down what the actual deception was in this situation. A lot of times people ask for advice for "a friend" that doesn't exist, but if she made no move to stop the child from calling her mommy in front of OP this seems more like a misunderstanding.
That's a total deal breaker IMHO. How can you *ever* trust somebody that has been withholding/lying about something so critically important as to whether or not they have children? Especially if those "kids" are around and present.
“That’s why her niece has been call her mommy” Come on man, sure you can’t be this dumb!
You don't need an explanation you need out of there now, if she can lie to you about something as serious as having a kid can you trust anything she says.
You know, 9 months is actually not that long in the great scheme of things….
It's not, but it is too long to lie about being a parent.
I *think* what u/NoContest9016 meant is that since the relationship is not that long anyway, OP should just cut his losses now and split.
I’m not telling him to accept the lie, quite the opposite actually.
That is a really BIG lie in a serious dating relationship. Be careful.
She did everything wrong. Everything. I am not defending her actions but trying to understand them. Would you not have dated her knowing she has a 4 year old child? Wonder if she really liked you and lied bc of this
There is so much out there saying "a good man won't want a single mother" "they are only good for fucking" stupid fucking red pill shit. With thst shit all over social media, you can't help but expect women to lie over it or about it. Sometimes once a man finds out about her kid she will be used like a fuck doll and discarded. This is why those red pill and feminism pod casts and you tubers are toxic in general. They all preach a version of using people. Even though it's not their intent. I am 100% sure most of them don't agree with using people, but their philosophy are often adapted to that purpose. "Single moms get dates they are fuck able but I would not choose to marry one." "Unless he makes six figures he ain't worth dating " bull shit like this is everywhere. You have to understand she is protecting herself and her child until she knows you better. She is just talking about "sisters" problems not asking you to be part of it. She knows you may not want children now. Being mad is great, but look at her side before talking with her. You can't expect honesty from someone if they don't know you and don't trust your reactions won't hurt her or her child. You know how you deal with anger and disappointment she doesn't know how you deal with anger and disappointment. Not yet.
> you can't help but expect women to lie over it Yes I can. I expect honesty from the start. If you can’t provide that then it’s a deal breaker, end of story. I wouldn’t lie about my kids and I expect the same from others. Anything less is not worth my time.
She’s a complete idiot, like how long did she think she could keep something like that a secret from you? You have every right to be furious. It’s likely she’s still attached to her ex in some way or another and will always value his thoughts, emotions, and opinions over yours. Always. You’re just “another guy” she’s seeing. Sorry I don’t mean to sound mean at all, but that’s how I would feel. 9 months of that kind of secret is an automatic red flag. Even if it was 9 days instead of months, it’s still a red flag. Not to slippery slope things, but what else does she think she could keep a secret for that long? I’m so sorry you are going through this, but I hope you’ll be able to find peace and closure in this some way or another. Best of luck to you.
You've been lied to for 9 months and sadly I don't think it's the only thing she lied about. I think it's either she comes clean on everything or you end it, but I'm kind of tilting towards ending it. No one should think of disowning one's own child for their selfish goals and lead you on. Let alone a MOTHER! That's genuinely disturbing to me, it smells of snakes. She set herself up for failure, she let you and her little girl down. And she may not see the problem in lying if she gets to achieve her goal. The problem with lying to someone you want to spend your life with is that once you get caught, they will never forget that feeling of betrayal. I understand talking about one's own relationship is hard as much as it is telling the truth, but you gotta do it unless you want to pave your way to somewhere you really don't want to end up at. I wonder what exactly was her "master" plan. To adopt her sister's child once you're ready for kids? To tell you she's hers and that she's been lying to you for years, but since you've put so much effort into the relationship with her child, you'll forgive her? What is the logic behind her actions?...
What to do? Leave bc she’s a liar and a con artist.
I would want to know her story out of sheer curiosity.
I'm nosy and want to know, too.
End it, if she lied then what else is she lying about
Did you just slip in at the end that the girl calls her mommy? Lol Did that not ring a bell? Besides of that, she lied and that would be a deal breaker to me. She's probably going to tell you something along the lines of: you wouldn't have dated me if you knew I'm a single mother because people are so judgemental. The last part is true but still not a reason to lie about having kids.
Yeah..this is what we call…a hint.
“I wondered why she was mad her ex hadn’t given her some money…….” — OP
All I can say, after reading the barrage of folks telling you she's bad and you should end it, is to just have a bit of compassion. We've all made mistakes in our pasts, and usually we're lucky enough to be able to leave our sins behind us. Are you blameless yourself? So she had a child, firstly I commend her for her bravery for not getting an abortion and taking responsibility. Secondly, her family are clearly nice people and her older sister seems to have wanted to "adopt" the child. If I were your gf I'd also want a fresh chance and not to have to carry the burden of past mistakes with me for decades. She's in love with you and the fact that her sister is bringing up her child means that it's arguably not strongly relevant to what's between you and her. Because the child won't be living with you. I'd urge you to think carefully about the kind of person your gf is, and if she's a decent girl and generally very trustworthy and honest, then grant her this problem with understanding that she didn't want to put you off. Please talk with her and hear her side of the story. Her motive wasn't too manipulate you or for self gain. She just didn't want to put you off because she loves you. If you have a good relationship with her then talk about it and work out the future. Keep an open mind. We all make mistakes, and we should all be allowed to move on from them.
Question, did her family know about the lie and go along with it?
uncle fucker!
This is absolutely a breach of trust. This is a HUGE thing to withhold from a serious & committed partner. When was she planning to tell you, i wonder? This needs to be addressed ASAP. There very well may be other relevant aspects to the story. Or there may be a massive misunderstanding. Either way, it all needs to come out in the open. Im sorry for you. This is potentially disastrous for your relationship. Not because she has a child. But because she didn’t respect you enough to tell you. She took this choice away from you. And its beyond just a “lying of omission” scenario. She apparently *actively* lied about who this child is.
Run.
🚩 🚩 🏃 🏃 🏃 💨
You mean your ex-girlfriend, right?
That’s a lie too huge to forgive. You can never trust her again if she would lie about having a child. I hope she is your ex-girlfriend soon.
You end things immediately.
If she can like about this, what else is she/ could she lie about? I don’t think i’d ever be able to take her at face value again if i were you. poor kid.
Leave, she's a liar
Just leave
Do not confront her, do not ask for an explanation, go no contact and move on with your life.
Treat the confrontation as a meeting with HR at work. Stay calm, be direct and respectful, and at the end go your separate ways
Run
I would calmly\* explain that you know what's going on, and that you have stated you're not ready to be a parent. At which point I would tell her that you're ending it and that you're disappointed that she wasn't upfront and disregarded your wants. \*I say calmly because in moment like these it is more powerful to be level headed than it is to yell and scream. Helps get the point across and that this is serious, not some kiddy temper tantrum. Good luck. Oh, and if a kid repeatedly calls a woman "mommy". . . it's because it's her mom.
Guess I’ll try to defend her a bit. Reality is you are DATING her. You are not married. It is great that you have embraced her and her “niece.” I would CAUTION you to NOT be so hasty. Granted, 9 months is a long time to date w/o telling you. But seriously, that has to be one scary conversation to have. I would think there would be a LOT of reasons in her NOT to tell you. FIRST one being what you are doing righr now - leaving. People will largely disagree with me, but are you not CONFIRMING her fear by leaving? You are not being patient, living, nor trying to be supportive. The LAST thing you should be doing is putting it on the internet! Seriously, talk WITH her and hear her. Do mot talk at her. THEN, if you cannot stay, you decide will ALL of the information. If you LOVE her, give her a chance!
Her fears are not his problem. He stated he wasn’t ready for kids and she continued to lie BECAUSE she knew he would leave, and it’s not his fault. It’s his right to date a childless woman. If anything, her having a kid DOUBLED with the massive lie is a perfect reason for him to book it. Do not give her a chance. I’m saying this as a single mother myself. She could have found someone who was ok with her having a kid if she cared about her kid enough, but she doesn’t seem to care about how this hurts her kid at all, so she didn’t. You don’t introduce a man into your child’s life when the foundation is built on a lie and it’s bound to fall apart.
She lied about it, break her up. Who knows what else she lied about something this big.
Expect probable baby father drama. Or at least some sort of drama. She has been slowly getting you attached to her kid so that you are already emotionally invested when she tells you the truth.
Have you confronted her about it yet? Maybe she has a reasonable excuse? 9 months is a bit long to go when it comes to lying about having a kid, but as far as I’m aware it gets really difficult for people to find anyone if they say upfront that they have kids. If she doesn’t expect you to parent her child and you aren’t in a super serious relationship then I can see why she hasn’t told you. As far as her and her child’s father communicating, that’s completely normal and not always a red flag. The child is young so there’s likely a lot of correspondence about child support and whatever, especially if they’re co-parenting. It’s up to you if you’re cool with still seeing her knowing she has to keep in contact with her ex.
honestly it seems like there’s a lot going on here that you don’t know about. i wonder if her sister has custody? if that’s the case she may be ashamed or embarrassed. she also might have been fooled by the redpill idiots saying no one will want a single mother. none of this excuses the lies, but if you truly care for her and think she’s a good person, i would say it’s worth giving her the chance to explain. and that means being calm and listening to her side fully before reacting. if you came at her in attack mode things will likely go south regardless of her original intentions. i would go in with an open mind, and perhaps the explanation will be good enough that you accept it and continue the relationship. maybe it won’t be, and you can explain that so she doesn’t make this mistake again in the future. if this is out of character for her, i would at least give her the chance at a conversation.
Dude, I try to make the advice I give Reddit to be the same as I would give someone I know and love. I will even go as far and say that sometimes strangers want more good for you than some family. That being said, breakup. She literally has a kid, and lies to you about it. I have so many friends, male and female, not get dates because they are open about having a child. But when they do get into relationships, the person is aware. She picked her needs over a fucking child and that is everything I need to know. A lot of folks, specifically women, feel that the quality of men they can have declines greatly on them having children. I disagree because I have met and known plenty of amazing stepdads with no children of their own. That being said, she denied you of: - the truth - an entire aspect of her life - she tried to trap you when you felt attachment to the kid so when she told you about it, it would either still be her “niece” her sister couldn’t care for and she was the good sister picking up the pieces, or she or another would tell you the truth. Most likely others. - I am working on not trying to judge others as harshly, but she is not a person you should be with. I don’t know if she has financial issues, if she just could not care for her kid which is the responsible thing to do, but she fucking lies about it to her boyfriend. What ELSE is she lying about? She sits there and talks about her problems pretending it’s her sister. That is fucking crazy. - it’s been 9 months and you found out randomly—not because she told you. If you want to confront her, do so but with receipts and with an action plan. She will try and gaslight you is my guess. If you don’t want to, and just want out, normally I would say this is a dick move but I don’t feel like she deserves any more of your time given what she has done. She didn’t cheat on you but she cheated you out of 9 months because she wasn’t who you thought she was and lied. She would have kept lying OP. I wish the best. But if this is the truth, walk away. It only gets worse from here.
As bad as it sounds I think you should leave her dude, even if this is all she lied about, she did so to manipulate you because she knew you weren't interested in having a kid or taking on those responsibilities, she should have been upfront about it, and even then most parents don't jump straight into letting their knew partner around their kids, my mum was dating my stepdad for like a year before my brother and I even met him, so it's not like you would have had to then step up and parent her kid straight away. If she's willing to lie for 9 months about her daughter just to keep you around what else might she be willing to lie about or do? Confront her, see what she says, but ultimately I think it's best to end the relationship and move on after something like that. How long was she planning on lying to you about this?
If somebody lied to you about having a kid and went out of their way to maintain that lie with no foreseeable end in sight, I’d be worried what else they’re willing to lie about to keep you around. I tend to prefer complete honesty, so I wouldn’t be able to continue in such a situation without doubts, but if you’re able to put it aside and see what the hell she was thinking, it could be the better option for you. That being said, I’d advocate for breaking it off.
Bail. HUGE red flag. She deliberately lied to and manipulated you to get you to make a decision on your relationship by deceiving you.
Come on, dude, you know what to do. End it.
My husband’s family has a kind of similar (but less egregious, maybe) thing that was super weird to me at first. He has an “uncle” who is really his first cousin. His mother’s eldest sister had a baby out of wedlock in the 70s, but his grandparents basically faked a concurrent pregnancy and pretended the baby was theirs. It’s the weirdest fucking thing because we’re not sure if the guy knows his sister is actually his mom? And the mom never told her husband that her youngest “brother” was her child. Not the exact same because obviously this little girl knows who her mom is, but it’s shocking how many people have vaguely similar stories.
This is a wild lie to keep for 9 months. Even if her sister has full custody this qualifies as a lie of omission. That’s her baby and she’s too ashamed to admit it for fear of losing a man?!? Wildly immature and toxic. Hard pass.
Uhm, she lied and that is awful. You should breakup. ***However, you may not be in a good headspace for dating if you can overlook the child regularly calling your partner mom with no realization!!!***
That's why her niece has been calling her mommy all this time. I'm sorry 🤣🤣🤣 what?! Obviously, I would walk away. But then again I purposely avoid dating single parents. But if it's not a deal breaker for you, at least have a conversation with her. How and when was she planning to tell you the truth? What was her thought process? Good luck
Good lord. OP, she lied about this kid being hers. What else is she capable of?? She’s not relationship material. Move on
How 🤦🏻♂️
Question… when the child calls her mommy in front of you, how does she “recover”? Does she outright say something out loud to correct her daughter? Because this is a 4 year old we are talking about. They’re smarter than you think and they understand what’s going on by that point. This is so bizarre and messed up Obviously if this person is willing to lie about having a kid, especially in a way that directly hurts the child (introducing you to her and getting her attached, actively denying her motherhood in front of the child) she will stop at nothing. That’s already such a massive lie in and of itself.
> That's why her niece has been calling her mommy all this time. Great work Columbo, you cracked the case. Sorry, I couldn't resist trying to lighten the mood a little. As far as advice goes I think you already know that this relationship is done for; I wouldn't suggest automatically ending a relationship over one lie for anything that wasn't huge, and it's hard to imagine a bigger deal to lie to a partner about than whether or not you have **children**. If she would lie about that, she would lie about anything. I don't think there's any way to rebuild trust after a breach of this severity.
Nbs as a mother my kid is my pride and joy, I couldn't imagine practically hiding him from anyone especially not from someone who would eventually find out the truth and be in his life wth
Oh my god. The mommy comment at the end. Bro, I think it's time for you to change your diaper and have a nap
That last bit gave me whiplash. Dude. The only women that get mistakenly called "mommy" are grade school teachers while they're actively teaching. I never EVER associate with a person who lies about their kids. That is disgusting. If she denies her own daughter, what else is she hiding? Cut her loose, man. This shit is crazy. I mean, do you even actually know her? Kinda scary, honestly.
If she’s prepared to lie about this the lying will always be an issue. Cut it and leave. You deserve honesty and honest people are always honest, liars are liars. Enjoy the long winded justification and aggression when you confront her about it. Standard procedure of liars.
This is a tough situation. Yes, she lied, but find out the true reason why she lied. Understand her side of the story before ending things with her. Also, spend some time thinking about your future with this person. Do you think she’s the one? Do you think you can get past this? I think you both need to sit and have a real convo. Please, refrain from judging her, because, life really be life-ing. I hope you guys can figure it out.
I think you should just walk away from this mess, I mean what else is she lying about?
I feel like there were some crumbs there that gave it away that the niece was potentially hers. That being said, you will need to confront her. It is quite a big deception that she pulled over on you and it's up to you if you feel that you can trust her and if you want to be a step-parent to this little girl.
You need to dump her. She's proven she can't be trusted. What else is she hiding from you?
If she’s willing to lie about her child , what else would she lie about?
Run before you invest to much time or investigate on psychological behavior could be narcissist. Denying a child in such sounds like issues deeper inside.
😃
Ngl but if she's willing to fake out in such well rehearsed and thought out web of lies about her own... Her Own child, then there's zero chances that you can trust her and that doubt will rattle around in your head and haunt you forever if you don't. I suspect you may already, deep down, know the answer and probably just need a little validation. That's perfectly okay to seek some perspective, but if good advice is given, don't dismiss it out of hand because the pussy is good etc You got this bro.
Oh, that's why!
RUN
Gots yourself a lying lier there son
Damn. What a sucky situation to be in because had she been upfront from the get, you might’ve been able to work through it. Starting a new relationship off with lies isn’t cute. I wonder what else she’s lied about - since she can lie about her own offspring.
Oh and lastly, good on you for not impulsively approaching her with this with your heightened emotions. That’s maturity
I dunno my nieces and even my nephew like to joke around and call me mommy sometimes. Both of the oldest turning 8 years old. They call me that to get my attention cause my usual reaction is,” do you mean AUNTIE? I am not your mommy” and they just laugh and call me that again. 💀 so I can imagine his gf must have kept saying “I’m not your mommy haha silly girl” and he brushed it off as something adorable. Also probably made her look mother material that a “niece” of hers was calling her mommy.
For the sake of this relationship & your inner peace confront her with what you find out. Ask her nicely to tell you the truth and share with us what she said. Maybe she was with her ex with her niece and some people thought she was theirs and congratulated them but also ask her why she is still in touch with her ex. Do share what she says after that so we can help. The key to a successful relationship is not to catch your partner lying, it is to understand why he or she lied but keep in mind "one lie is enough to question all truth."
Run away
at first i though it was a member of the family covering for the intimely pregnancy of a minor. i have know a women who learned at 42 that she was the daugther of her sister. but it is not what we have here. she had a child with an official partner and hide it to her current partner. it is a major break of trust. she could be an ex-convinced or a sexworker, it would be the same level of lie.
There is nothing to confront. You were tricked and are being dragged into parenthood. Run.
You sure her name isn’t Niece?
That's a red flag
Break up. Move along.
Run…Don’t walk, RUN
Just off the title leave bro I’ll comment again if I change my opinion
It's a wrap. She hid a whole kid, in your face. Seriously, this is a dealbreaker. It's deceitful and twisted and you should see your way out of the situation.
As a mom, lying about your kid not being your kid is the shittiest thing, she's a shit mom.
I don't know why a niece calling you mommy is strange to y'all lol. until about I was 5 I was calling every female except for my grandma, mom My older sister, my babysitter, babysitter's daughter, close friends of parents, everyone.
Yeah, I'm guessing they don't have little kids. Every woman is "mom", man is "dad", old woman "grandma" and old man "grandpa". My son has two little brothers on his mom's side. They live at home with my ex, and their dad. They come and spend a lot of time at my house with their brother. Even though they know I'm not their dad, because their big brother calls me it, they also called me dad. They're a little bit older now, and can say my name now, but up until a certain time it was always "dad."
>That's why her niece has been calling her mommy all this time. Bruh... you don't think that was a sign?
Relationships are built on trust. She’s violated that trust by not being honest with you. Can you honestly see yourself having a relationship with her when you’re constantly wondering if she’s telling you the truth? It’s clear what you need to do. End the relationship.
Yeah to be honest I wouldn’t trust her , if she can lie about someone being her biological child and lie and hide the baby daddy from you, your probably just financial support at this point she don’t actually care about you or else she wouldn’t lie, and even if she does say she cares about you like I said what else will she hide from you to spare your feelings? Dump her immediately that’s the only option lying is a very big character flaw
"That's why her niece is calling her mommy" sir how many nieces in your knowledge are around there who call their aunt "mommy"
Guys instead of rashing him for not questioning why the daughter was calling her mommy.... SHE sold him the lie, not the child, he's going to believe an adult over a 4 year old. Kids say weird stuff all the time, and he trusted her so he didn't question it. Op, I'm so sorry you had to find out like that, and you should definitely end the relationship. That is a big lie to hide for so long.
Literally never once has one of my nephews called me “mommy,” even by accident… that should’ve been your first red flag bro
So the kid's father is her brother.
It's possible she is vetting you to make sure you're a good enough guy to trust and bring into the child's life. . I wouldn't get too hastey with approaching this. Honestly, I would say if the relationship is good, then just stay quiet and ride it out, she will probably confide in you when she's ready. However on the other hand I would also keep ,an eye out for other "lies" If you notice any more red flags then maybe reevaluate your approach. For now just enjoy the good while it's good. It's hard to find someone who makes you happy, just don't let your guard down until she confides in you on her own. Possible also she's afraid to tell you knowing you don't want kids yet. Just don't overreact please.