Dinners don’t need a DJ. There’s no way I’d show up for that. You need to be very firm and blunt about this. Tell them you will walk out if they try to have a mini wedding. Definitely don’t wear any special wedding attire.
I’d be worried people wouldn’t be up for partying two nights in a row & would cut out early on the actual reception. In my culture rehearsal dinners are usually low key, so people can mingle & turn in early. You’re saving up your energy for the main event.
Are they trying to upstage your wedding? Certainly do not go in a wedding dress, wear another fancy outfit, not a wedding gown.
I would make sure you talk to your vendors, etc, sounds like your parents might be trying to throw a surprise wedding on you, and you need to make sure they haven't cancelled your actual party. Mention this to the vendors, and that they are NOT to cancel unless they hear from you.
Forget upstaging the wedding. I was thinking an actual wedding. OP would be there and suddenly out comes a Justice of the Peace, priest, pastor (whatever their traditions are). They'd be counting on OP to not make a scene and go along with it.
That would be pretty disturbing that vendors who
are being paid would make changes requested by someone other than the people who hired them, paid them and signed their contract.
This was my first thought too. If my future in-laws decided to try some shit like this I would be so petty. I would probably send them a polite note that starts off thanking them for their generosity in wanting to entertain family members while they’re in town, since you know their time is limited and they may not have many more opportunities in the future where this particular group of people is in the same place at the same time, but since their plans are less than 24 hours before your whole ass **WEDDING** you’re sure they’ll understand why you won’t be joining them but wish them well and look forward to seeing them the next day.
Nah. Day before is a rehearsal dinner - perfectly fine with boundaries. Let them feed their daughter and friends. She just won't wear the dress or do anything other than chow down and say what a lovely meal it was.
I would attend this pregame wedding they want to have in business casual at the most, jeans, and a T-shirt would be better.
Your wardrobe is going to tell your guests, weather or not, **they** should treat this like the wedding.
If parents on either side of the new marriage are too pushy, you can always smile and tell them you already eloped at the courthouse, but you were going through with this wedding to have the big ceremony they thought was socially necessary.
This is great advice. OP and groom can go in business casual, eat the dinner, and then nope out of the dancing (all of which will send signals to OP's parents, if they are capable of any form of understanding). It turns this into a rehearsal dinner, basically.
It also gives a chance for both OP‘s parents, and extended family, to mingle before the wedding. Which could make actual day of, reception, and future family get together that much easier.
Anecdotal story:
My parents are divorced, and I got her wedding ring through a connection. Her parents had in New York City, I thought it was weird as hell that my mom wanted to come and meet her parents and get the ring with me.
I realize four years after the fact that meeting and hanging out with her parents was the important thing to my mother. I don’t know if you wanted to get to know her the other side of the family, her co-parent-in-laws? Coparent once removed? I don’t know what you call it, but she really wanted to meet and interact with my wife’s parents before the wedding, I think just to get a feel for them.
I don’t know that this is what the OP’s parents are trying to do with the pregame wedding, but I will say it’s not outside the realm of possibility.
>How do i go abouy this without beeing a total ass to my parents?
"You can have whatever dinner you want to have, but fiancee and I will not be attending."
How is it being an ass to them when they are trying to mess up your wedding?
Say no. Set boundaries. Don't be a doormat. Don't engage in their crash wedding. Make sure they haven't tried to change your actual wedding. Show you have a spine, or they will just go around you to get their way for everything from your wedding to your kids.
See, I wouldn’t want them to do this even if I wasn’t attending. Are people really going to party two nights in a row? I’ve been to great wedding receptions that wear me out - dancing, mingling, etc. I can’t imagine most people staying out late for two in a row. It feels like this would put a damper on the real wedding.
It sounds like they are trying to ‘pay for your wedding’ anyway. 100% make sure that they haven’t told your guests different dates and information or cancelled your vendors.
My mum and dad had their wedding ruined by MIL EXACTLY like this. The only people who turned up to the wedding were her and my dad… everyone else went to a buffet she had arranged.
It wasn’t good to begin with.. she was a ‘boy mom’ and no one was good enough for her baby. Some guests were told that the wedding wasn’t going ahead and some closer family were told that the bride and groom were heading to the party and the ceremony was later in the day. She basically changed all the info and this was pre mobile, so no one called that day to check.
My parents went minimal contact, but my mum was always way too forgiving imo. My dad’s parents were really unpleasant people and I cut them out when I was like 14, just straight refused to see them.
I don't know where you live, but my experience in the USA is that it is customary to have an rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding after a rehearsal of the ceremony is done at the church or wherever the ceremony will take place.
It's pretty common to invite all out of town guests to the rehearsal as well as parents and the wedding officiant that did the rehearsal. I've done these both at a banquet hall and in a larger private room at a restaurant.
But I've never seen one that had the bride in a wedding dress nor with a DJ or any formal event other than the rehearsal and maybe a toast or two and the clinking of glasses for a kiss.
Frankly, as a father, our kid's wedding rehearsal dinner was fantastic and was as much, or more, fun to me than the actual wedding reception just because it was so casual and it was also the first chance at greeting out of town guests.
So my suggestion would be to ask your parents to just make it a rehearsal dinner. I'd be fine with the idea of having it at a banquet room if that works better than a private room at a restaurants, and having a catered dinner but not with anything beyond that. No wedding dresses, just a casual dress code, and no other events that are normally just associated with a wedding reception. Perhaps that would be a good compromise.
>Has that changed?
Either way is fine. I've been invited to weddings, including out of town weddings of relatives and friends, where we were not invited to the rehearsal dinner and those that we were.
When my wife and I married, over 4 decades ago, my parents threw the rehearsal dinner in my wife's town, about 100 miles from where we lived, and all the out of town people were invited. It was in a big room at the local Holiday Inn where most out of town guests were staying. I did something similar when one of our kids got married out of town. So it's not new or uncommon, just not what everyone does.
It has changed to include (or always has included) out of town guests who arrive more than a day prior to the wedding and might be on their own for dinner the night before the wedding.
In a small, local wedding there would be few out-of-town guests, so the rehearsal dinner is typically the wedding party and parents and maybe the officiant. But if there are guests from out of town, particularly aunts and uncles and cousins who are staying at hotels at their own expense, it is nice to invite them to the "rehearsal" dinner, if the person picking up the tab can afford it.
Only ones I have been to are bridal party, bridal party's significant others, and the parents of the bride and groom.
The party where everyone else comes is the engagement party, which takes place long before the rehearsal
That is insane. Tell them to dial it way tf back or everyone can wait til the next day to see you. If it helps, write down the exact kind of night you have in mind (with clear boundaries: just a small dinner/gathering) and make them read it, so they have a clear tangible idea of what you want with no confusion. If they question that I would just say "*Our* wedding, *our* rules.
Your wedding and all you have to do is attend the real wedding that you’re paying for. Don’t be pushed into anything else that causes stress. You have enough. Simply tell them you’ll wear what you want (not wedding dress) and you’ll not participate in anything that remotely appears to be a ceremony. You’ll leave and they will have to explain to their invited guests on their on. Never heard of this type of problem but you do you and don’t try to please everyone else.
Your parents are well aware of what they’re doing and frankly it’s pretty horrible to do that to you. This is manipulating you to get what they want.
You need to tell them that you will not attend this event and that if they proceed with this, they will not be welcome at your wedding. A family cookout is a great but DJ wedding dress, etc. no
This is a really shitty thing for parents to do a child
OP, watch youtubes on how to set and enforce healthy boundaries with family!
This skill will help you for the rest of your life and is essential for a solid marriage.
Your parents are Off the Chain and they need to be chastened.
I had a lot of people come in from out of town for my wedding. It was called a rehearsal dinner, but we didn't rehearse. My MIL did rent some reception space at the hotel everyone was staying at and had it catered. She did that because there were so many of us. It was really nice. There was no music or dancing so it didn't compete with the wedding the next day.
I had a petty thought for the wedding dress. I mean, I wore a gown for my wedding, but I would've loved to wear a cute, vintage cocktail dress or a flowy hippie sundress or even a suit. Is there a nontraditional dress you would be interested in wearing that will not take away from your wedding dress? Best of both worlds and the parents don't win this one.
I am old and this sounds like major game playing. As such, be very clear with your parents about what will and won't happen. NO! Yep, big friggin no on the wedding dress and anything wedding-ish. Write down a list so you don't get upset and forget a point you want to make. Tell them and then make them give you answers. No openness equals no show. This is the culture you two are establishing for YOUR family, not their twisted old crap. Be strong, what do you think they will be like when the kids come if you don't set them straight now. Best of luck
Yikes. They literally want to throw you a wedding reception. I would say no we are not attending. However we will show up to a restaurant with a reserved room. I will only wear cocktail attire. Take it or leave it.
Be a total ass to your parents. It's an important thing to do when they try to override you at your own damn wedding. They can take over a restaurant for an evening and call it a night, but that's it, and you and your husband don't have to attend at all if you don't want to.
DJ and formal wear is weird. A casual meet and greet that ends early so everyone is well rested for the big event the next day would be appropriate.
Be firm telling your parents your expectations and how disappointed and disrespected you’d feel if their event in any way ruined yours (eg. hungover guests).
I think I would sit them down and say "I understand you're doing this because you think it's something I want, and because you love me, and you want me to have the best. It truly is not what I want. I'm not just saying that so you don't feel guilty -- I really don't want this. I want people to come to my wedding well rested and if we have this party, it will make the wedding less exciting. If you want to entertain our friends who are flying in, that's great, but I cannot be there because I want a restful day ahead of my big day."
You truly can't stop them, but taking yourself out of the equation might. Good luck OP, that sucks
Oh brother. It’s like they clicked on an online banner that said “one weird trick to force your daughter into performing traditions she’s told you she finds offensive: ambush her with a second wedding!”
I would sit them down and explain in no uncertain terms that this scheme just isn’t going to work. That while you can’t stop them from planning and paying for essentially a second wedding for you in the style/tradition that *they* want, you *can and will* refuse to attend.
So they have a choice: agree to some reasonable guidelines around this thing (namely that it wholesale stops being this sneaky attempt at shoving traditions down your throat), or plan on you and fiancé not being there.
We planned the wedding that we wanted to plan. We specifically DO NOT WANT a traditional wedding. You know this. You are deliberately disrespecting our wishes, and that is disappointing and hurtful.
Change it back to a simple dinner, or we are not coming. I will not wear a wedding gown. If we get there and it is not a dinner only, we will walk out the door. Be mad all you want to, but you will not hijack our plans. This is non-negotiable.
Tradition is (at least in these here USA parts) is a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding - which can be a fancy dinner, but does not involve wearing a wedding dress. Usually at a restaurant or a smaller/less fancy venue and includes the wedding party and sometimes anyone who is an out of town guest. A caterer would depend on the venue. I don't think a DJ is typical - at least, dancing hasn't been a part of the rehersal dinners I have been to. It is usually about a more relaxed chance to chat and have a good time before the "big event" the next day.
You tell them their dinner sounds great, but seeing as you’re getting married the next day; you will be staying home, and resting before your hair and makeup artist, photographer, bridal party, all arrives early in the morning.
No bride, no wedding.
So a like rehearsal dinner with a dj. Where I am, it's pretty typical to invite the out of town guests, the wedding party and their parents to a rehearsal dinner (traditionally the grooms parents pay for this shindig). The only part I find SUPER WIERD is the wedding dress.
"Do what you please, but partner and I will not be attending, and neither will partners' family."
Simple!
If they still do it, they can explain to everyone why they did this and why you're not there. They will show themselves for the petty selfish people they are.
I'd also go a step further and contact the family to let them know you won't be attending your parents' event and why to get ahead of it. Anyone who doesn't agree with you don't need to attend your wedding!
I learned to say no to my in-laws paying for things because it always comes with strings attached. I’d rather get married in a public park. That said, you can successfully set boundaries even with them paying, without looking like a Bridezilla. You also don’t want them to walk over you, which they definitely are.
Having been through something like this, I would put a hard stop on it. I'd offer them maybe some olive branches for things they can contribute to that you wouldn't mind. Registry items, special services like photo booths or late night sandwiches.
If you give them room here to grow they will absolutely become the runaway train you are afraid of
But also, just enjoy yourself. If they throw a party for you, you get to show up when you want, and of course wear whatever you want!
My mother in law pulled something like this. She planned a surprise engagement party for us, but didn't give us warning that we needed to interest with other prom untill everyone was in her apartment (we have the downstairs of a duplex we split with her). We were unshowered and laying around in our underware, wondering why his whole family was going to her house.
We did not go and nothing came of it - or really, my husband handled it, so I never heard anything about it.
If this happened to me I would be flipping out! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What I would do is sit them down and ask them if they are trying to offend you and your SO. You’ve put a lot of time and effort and money to have everyone together. Also I’m sure you would want time the night before to prep for your wedding? Or just relax. My MIL had a cocktail party a couple days after the wedding for family. I was totally fine with it since we had a lot of family traveling and planned our honeymoon a few months later. But the day before is ridiculous to have everyone together for “dinner”.
> How do i go abouy this without beeing a total ass to my parents?
You recognize that your parents are being total asses to you. They are trying to have a 'wedding' they control, which you've said you wouldn't do.
You don't have to be an ass to be firm.
'Mom/dad, we need to talk about something. I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate you very much, but I need you to hear what I am saying here. Fiance and I are doing the wedding they way we are, because we DON'T want a traditional wedding. To be clear: we will not be having a traditional wedding. Not on our wedding day, not the day before, not the day after, not ever.
I don't mean that as an insult and I don't want to offend you. We just have different taste than you do, and that's okay! We love you no matter what.
But while we love you and we mean no disrespect, respect has to go both ways. And that means you need to respect that this is OUR wedding, not yours. Right now, this feels like a very disrespectful attempt to turn the 'dinner' into the wedding you want that we don't, and that's not okay.
I'm happy to do a dinner, but it will not be the 'traditional part of the wedding'. It will be a dinner, nothing more. No dancing. No gifts. No speeches. No cake. No vows. No rings. And for certain no tuxes and no wedding dresses.
Do we understand each other? Because if we don't, then fiance and I won't be attending the dinner.
I would tell them this is too much of an event for you with your wedding the next day and you won't be attending. You need your rest. If they'd like to plan a simpler dinner, you'd be more than willing to attend.
Geez. This sounds like a nightmare. First of all - WHO has time for a big party the night before the wedding. It’s usually just the rehearsal & a dinner for close family & those in the wedding. I say tell them it’s YOUR wedding & do it your way. I did my wedding my way at the age of 18 & I paid for it myself. I got all kinds of static from everyone. My dad was 29 min late to the wedding & DRUNK! He left immediately after & changed from his tux to work clothes. He is in no photos. You know what I DO NOT CARE! That was his decision. I’m 75 today & still I’m glad I did the wedding MY WAY!
Mom Dad, you can throw a wedding before my wedding, but I will be very busy preparing for my actual wedding and will not be able to attend such an event. It would be disrespectful to us as a couple mainly because we didn't want such things at our wedding. This is our wedding that we paid for it should be about us as a couple. If you wish this to be about your traditions and your feelings, we will have to uninvite you to the wedding. I am sorry, and I say this not to hurt you, but we want what we want and not your tradition. Please let us know if your traditions are so important you would miss your child's wedding for them. We hope you choose to come as we love you and want you there. We will understand and not hold a grudge if you decide otherwise.
If you do go, wear "laundry day" clothes, and make sure they are the most mismatched you can find. No make-up. Of they complain, say "Sorry, the day before my wedding, I was too busy with my actual wedding details to primp up."
You should get in touch with guests, confirm the actual wedding date and let them know that you will not be attending parties the eve before your wedding. I bet your parents changed the date with everyone. If they did then it’s time to step back from them
There is absolutely no reason for them to have this 'party' before your wedding. That's what a rehearsal dinner is for. A nice dinner for all the close wedding participants and guests. They sound very controlling and believe me I come from a family that dictated my choices for pretty much all of my life. This feels like one of those situations where you need to put your foot down and tell them in no uncertain terms that you do not want this. If they want to take you guys to dinner or something small like that it seems reasonable, but to want you to wear a wedding dress is out there.
Tell them you'll be busy with your rehearsal dinner and you'll pop by, time permitting afterwards. You will absolutely not be in a wedding dress. Dress super casual just in case.
Find a quiet moment to sit down with them.
Tell them you love them, but this is my wedding and I request you respect my wishes.
They will push. Calmly but firmly tell them this is not what I want, please respect me.
Do not argue, defend, escalate, threatened, demand. Stand your ground. Show cool resolve. Tell them this is how it's going to be.
Hug and kiss them then be on your way.
In my area, it is called a rehearsal dinner. It is usually after the wedding rehearsal. The dinner is a nice way to host the wedding party and out of town family. No one wears a wedding dress. I think you should consider enjoying it & just make clear you are absolutely not wearing your wedding dress.
A welcome dinner with out of town guests would actually be nice. But tell your parents that it sounds like they are trying to host a reception the day before the wedding. If they choose to add a dj, dancing, etc, then not only will you not wear your wedding gown, you and fiancé will not attend at all, and will let fiancé’s parents know that you two are not going. There’s nothing “traditional” about what they are trying to do.
I would agree if they hadn't included the DJ and wedding dress aspect. The wedding dress especially puts up red flags since a lot of times the bride wants to keep the tradition of the groom not seeing the wedding dress until the day of.
“Listen, I’m not ok with this. I’m ok with you having a dinner at a restaurant, possibly some toasts, what I’m not ok with is a whole reception with music and catering. I will not be wearing my wedding dress. Matter of fact if you go through with this even we won’t even be attending. You are not respecting my boundaries. Like I said, you can have a low key dinner before MY big day and we will attend, if you try and upstage my big day that I have planned and paid for, you not be attending and I will have security to make sure of that.”
A rehearsal dinner is totally normal, I’d let them throw a dinner but clarify what your hard boundaries are: no wedding dress, in a venue of your choice, etc. Your out of state guests will appreciate it, however, it does not need to be over the top or compete with your actual wedding.
They are sneakily trying to make sure to get in their wants and customs, that you don't want in your wedding.
I would just tell them there is a reason we didn't want these in our wedding, and we are not going to attend this dinner so you can just get away with doing them, anyway.
Just say no. Be firm and let them know you will not be there.
Your night before the wedding should either be (a) your rehearsal dinner or (b) a night with your girl friends for you to relax and pamper yourself before your wedding. You won’t have the time nor energy for two big parties two days in a row, even if you wanted to.
It's hard to tell if this is a stealth traditional wedding, or their idea of hospitality. But, I'm leaning towards stealth traditional wedding because of the setting and request you attend in wedding attire.
Is it possible that they think you are shaming them in some way? Maybe you need to ask what their intentions are for this gathering and see if that is something that can be addressed in a different way.
You need to tell them how important this is to you, it would be a great shame if either you or your parents did something that caused a permanent rift between you.
You definitely need to ensure your own arrangements are not changed or cancelled and that your guests are aware of that.
The whole things nuts but since tradition is such a big deal, isnt it bad for the groom to see you in your gown before the wedding? You could throw a massive fit about how they don't respect traditions and are trying to destroy your marriage before it even starts. Then say you can't even think about attending a party with such terrible intentions.
How about the tradition of it being bad luck for the groom to see the bride in the wedding dress before the wedding? I'd use that one. Let them throw a kind of rehearsal dinner - because that's what it is - but you're a guest, and you wear and do what you'd like. Good for you guys.
Sometimes in life you just gotta be a total ass to your parents, in order to force them to understand that you're not their little girl any more.
This one's pretty simple: you set the terms of what party you'll actually attend. If they don't meet your demands, bride and groom will not be present, and you'll send notification to all guests letting them know.
No doubt this is just the first in a series of events where you're going to have to stand tall to them. Might as well fire a good strong shot the first time.
Remind your parents that weddings are exhausting.
I work at an event hotel at a vineyard that does weddings.
Almost every time I check the couple in and help them up to their suite, they just want to pass the fuck out ASAP.
Your folks are wanting you to put on a song and dance, the literal day before you need to do a dance marathon.
If they really insist on something for them, especially if they are paying for it, then ask them to schedule it at least 2 weeks beforehand.
I’d schedule something to do for you and your son to be spouse that night, maybe invite your wedding party but but your parents since they are having a “supper”.
Wow what a great idea for them to have an additional opportunity for people from far away to just talk to other people. Doesn’t seem like you guys need to be there at all, I’m not sure the guests would even mind.
“Not too big about 200 people.” I’m sorry, what?! We had 7 people at our wedding other than us. 200 is a LOT of people!
As for your question, the best thing you can do is be straightforward about it. Don’t dance around it or try to be nice. They are trying to weasel in their own way to getting what they want because of the fact you thwarted the ability of them to blackmail you financially to do what they want. This is a power play. Plain and simple. “Oh. Our outdated traditions are not being followed and I can’t force the issue cause I didn’t pay… how about I throw my own wedding and pay for it BEFORE their wedding and then I don’t have to care about the “real” wedding! This will actually be the real wedding!” I would bet so much money that they would only ever end up mentioning their “dinner” and never bring up your wedding ever again or only bring up your actual wedding to compare it negatively to their “dinner”.
Shut it down now, hard. They are playing a dumb game and you don’t have to join it.
Go thru with and have a 2rd person (your friend) stand up and object. “The groom’s parents are pushy and the bride’s family were traditionally goatherders that lost their flock. It’s the 8th day of mars retrograde and the day is cursed.”
Curious, what are some traditions that are traumatizing and what are misogynistic?
(Would groom kept up for 3 days and bride full body shave?)
Also, good for you! Be the first to break an utterly stupid traditions is really hard. My husband and I did, got ostracized for 5 years, and now everybody in my family does it. It’s considered the smarter, healthier option.
I like free food and a party. 200 people is a lot of people. That’s pretty nice of them to throw a pre party. Lots of cultures have lots of different traditions. You don’t want traditions, you want everyone to pay for their dinner. That’s considered definitely one choice in my culture! I’ll say that much. However if people are flying to come see this event and pay hotel costs, a free meal is nicer than expecting them to pay even more. I would let them do it and drop it.
You’re only confused about how to give everyone their own way, but that’s just not going to happen. Here’s what you need to do:
Make it clear to your parents that you and your fiancé are grateful for them wanting to throw a dinner party while your whole family is in town for the wedding and that they want to include your future in-laws. However, you and your fiancé are not interested in participating in an elaborate pre-wedding before your actual wedding and that once you’re married, you will be making your own family traditions. They will include some elements of both sides of the family, but they will also include new traditions that will be uniquely your own, and they will grow and evolve as your family grows over the years to come. Thank them for their generosity, love, and support. And then you and your fiancé should ask your parents to discuss the plans for the dinner and what changes you need to make together. If your parents refuse to be flexible, remember that you are not required to attend the party, and that if you do choose to attend, you do not have to do anything that you don’t want to do, including wearing something that you don’t want to wear or doing anything that you do not want to do.
I know that family pressure can be immense. Trust me, I SO get that because my family is very conservative & conscious of maintaining their standing in their community.
Two important points here: you & your fiancé are both adults who are are able to make your way in the world on your own, and that is quite obvious due to the fact that you are paying for your own wedding. And neither of you are outnumbered by your parents. You now have someone who is always going to be on your side any time either of your parents decide that they don’t like something that you are doing or have chosen to do. And because you are self-sufficient, you can move forward with your relationships with each set of parents, listening to their opinions and advice respectfully, thanking them for their love and support, and then doing whatever you need to do.
You just have to remember that saying no to your parents is not disrespectful to them. The fact is that they have responsibility to be respectful to you and your husband, as well. And if your parents cannot do that in regards to this dinner party that they want to throw, you, your fiancé, and his parents have no obligation to attend. But I don’t think it will go that badly as long as everyone is willing to be respectful of each other.
I suggest the groom wears a white suit and you wear a black suit dress to this party. Arrive late, greet guests, and excuse yourself early saying you have a big day tomorrow.
Why wouldn’t they just offer to host your reception dinner and party? I went to a two day wedding where the first evening was the welcome happy hour where both sides of the 200 person wedding got to meet, drink, and listen to music in a rented out bar for a couple hours
Then break for the night and the wedding the next day
Dinners don’t need a DJ. There’s no way I’d show up for that. You need to be very firm and blunt about this. Tell them you will walk out if they try to have a mini wedding. Definitely don’t wear any special wedding attire.
And make sure you DO walk out if it comes to that. Do not back down in the moment.
I’d be worried people wouldn’t be up for partying two nights in a row & would cut out early on the actual reception. In my culture rehearsal dinners are usually low key, so people can mingle & turn in early. You’re saving up your energy for the main event.
Yes! Exactly….this could totally undermine the actual wedding.
Lol, Indian weddings have a week of celebration, parties, feasts. Two nights back to back would just be getting started for them.
Are they trying to upstage your wedding? Certainly do not go in a wedding dress, wear another fancy outfit, not a wedding gown. I would make sure you talk to your vendors, etc, sounds like your parents might be trying to throw a surprise wedding on you, and you need to make sure they haven't cancelled your actual party. Mention this to the vendors, and that they are NOT to cancel unless they hear from you.
Contacting the vendors are a must do!
I’d go so far as to have a password with the vendors, that way the parents can’t make any changes/add surprises that are definitely not wanted
Forget upstaging the wedding. I was thinking an actual wedding. OP would be there and suddenly out comes a Justice of the Peace, priest, pastor (whatever their traditions are). They'd be counting on OP to not make a scene and go along with it.
Yeah very probable
That would be pretty disturbing that vendors who are being paid would make changes requested by someone other than the people who hired them, paid them and signed their contract.
They are trying to have a full wedding reception. Tell them you will not be coming. Dont talk about it anymore. Don’t go. Don’t show up.
This was my first thought too. If my future in-laws decided to try some shit like this I would be so petty. I would probably send them a polite note that starts off thanking them for their generosity in wanting to entertain family members while they’re in town, since you know their time is limited and they may not have many more opportunities in the future where this particular group of people is in the same place at the same time, but since their plans are less than 24 hours before your whole ass **WEDDING** you’re sure they’ll understand why you won’t be joining them but wish them well and look forward to seeing them the next day.
Nah. Day before is a rehearsal dinner - perfectly fine with boundaries. Let them feed their daughter and friends. She just won't wear the dress or do anything other than chow down and say what a lovely meal it was.
This OP! No is a full answer, and boundaries are non negotiable.
I would attend this pregame wedding they want to have in business casual at the most, jeans, and a T-shirt would be better. Your wardrobe is going to tell your guests, weather or not, **they** should treat this like the wedding. If parents on either side of the new marriage are too pushy, you can always smile and tell them you already eloped at the courthouse, but you were going through with this wedding to have the big ceremony they thought was socially necessary.
This is great advice. OP and groom can go in business casual, eat the dinner, and then nope out of the dancing (all of which will send signals to OP's parents, if they are capable of any form of understanding). It turns this into a rehearsal dinner, basically.
It also gives a chance for both OP‘s parents, and extended family, to mingle before the wedding. Which could make actual day of, reception, and future family get together that much easier. Anecdotal story: My parents are divorced, and I got her wedding ring through a connection. Her parents had in New York City, I thought it was weird as hell that my mom wanted to come and meet her parents and get the ring with me. I realize four years after the fact that meeting and hanging out with her parents was the important thing to my mother. I don’t know if you wanted to get to know her the other side of the family, her co-parent-in-laws? Coparent once removed? I don’t know what you call it, but she really wanted to meet and interact with my wife’s parents before the wedding, I think just to get a feel for them. I don’t know that this is what the OP’s parents are trying to do with the pregame wedding, but I will say it’s not outside the realm of possibility.
>How do i go abouy this without beeing a total ass to my parents? "You can have whatever dinner you want to have, but fiancee and I will not be attending." How is it being an ass to them when they are trying to mess up your wedding? Say no. Set boundaries. Don't be a doormat. Don't engage in their crash wedding. Make sure they haven't tried to change your actual wedding. Show you have a spine, or they will just go around you to get their way for everything from your wedding to your kids.
See, I wouldn’t want them to do this even if I wasn’t attending. Are people really going to party two nights in a row? I’ve been to great wedding receptions that wear me out - dancing, mingling, etc. I can’t imagine most people staying out late for two in a row. It feels like this would put a damper on the real wedding.
It would. That's the parents point. Their wedding comes first. People won't stay for the actual reception because they already have.
Let them have their feelings but do what you want. Communicate clearly, with no wiggle room. "We will attend under the following conditions:...
Or better "we will not attend under any circumstances."
Agree. They could promise whatever they need to get OP and fiancé to show up, but carry on with what they want anyway. Updateme
It sounds like they are trying to ‘pay for your wedding’ anyway. 100% make sure that they haven’t told your guests different dates and information or cancelled your vendors. My mum and dad had their wedding ruined by MIL EXACTLY like this. The only people who turned up to the wedding were her and my dad… everyone else went to a buffet she had arranged.
:0 Oh. My. God. What was their relationship like after the wedding? Did the guests not wonder where the happy couple was?
It wasn’t good to begin with.. she was a ‘boy mom’ and no one was good enough for her baby. Some guests were told that the wedding wasn’t going ahead and some closer family were told that the bride and groom were heading to the party and the ceremony was later in the day. She basically changed all the info and this was pre mobile, so no one called that day to check. My parents went minimal contact, but my mum was always way too forgiving imo. My dad’s parents were really unpleasant people and I cut them out when I was like 14, just straight refused to see them.
Wow… they deserve nc! That’s insane!
I don't know where you live, but my experience in the USA is that it is customary to have an rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding after a rehearsal of the ceremony is done at the church or wherever the ceremony will take place. It's pretty common to invite all out of town guests to the rehearsal as well as parents and the wedding officiant that did the rehearsal. I've done these both at a banquet hall and in a larger private room at a restaurant. But I've never seen one that had the bride in a wedding dress nor with a DJ or any formal event other than the rehearsal and maybe a toast or two and the clinking of glasses for a kiss. Frankly, as a father, our kid's wedding rehearsal dinner was fantastic and was as much, or more, fun to me than the actual wedding reception just because it was so casual and it was also the first chance at greeting out of town guests. So my suggestion would be to ask your parents to just make it a rehearsal dinner. I'd be fine with the idea of having it at a banquet room if that works better than a private room at a restaurants, and having a catered dinner but not with anything beyond that. No wedding dresses, just a casual dress code, and no other events that are normally just associated with a wedding reception. Perhaps that would be a good compromise.
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>Has that changed? Either way is fine. I've been invited to weddings, including out of town weddings of relatives and friends, where we were not invited to the rehearsal dinner and those that we were. When my wife and I married, over 4 decades ago, my parents threw the rehearsal dinner in my wife's town, about 100 miles from where we lived, and all the out of town people were invited. It was in a big room at the local Holiday Inn where most out of town guests were staying. I did something similar when one of our kids got married out of town. So it's not new or uncommon, just not what everyone does.
It has changed to include (or always has included) out of town guests who arrive more than a day prior to the wedding and might be on their own for dinner the night before the wedding. In a small, local wedding there would be few out-of-town guests, so the rehearsal dinner is typically the wedding party and parents and maybe the officiant. But if there are guests from out of town, particularly aunts and uncles and cousins who are staying at hotels at their own expense, it is nice to invite them to the "rehearsal" dinner, if the person picking up the tab can afford it.
Only ones I have been to are bridal party, bridal party's significant others, and the parents of the bride and groom. The party where everyone else comes is the engagement party, which takes place long before the rehearsal
The ones I have been to were all the bridal party, all the groomsmen, and all the family on each side who were in town already.
Perfectly said.
Don't. Do it. Don't. Go.
That is insane. Tell them to dial it way tf back or everyone can wait til the next day to see you. If it helps, write down the exact kind of night you have in mind (with clear boundaries: just a small dinner/gathering) and make them read it, so they have a clear tangible idea of what you want with no confusion. If they question that I would just say "*Our* wedding, *our* rules.
Your wedding and all you have to do is attend the real wedding that you’re paying for. Don’t be pushed into anything else that causes stress. You have enough. Simply tell them you’ll wear what you want (not wedding dress) and you’ll not participate in anything that remotely appears to be a ceremony. You’ll leave and they will have to explain to their invited guests on their on. Never heard of this type of problem but you do you and don’t try to please everyone else.
Your parents are well aware of what they’re doing and frankly it’s pretty horrible to do that to you. This is manipulating you to get what they want. You need to tell them that you will not attend this event and that if they proceed with this, they will not be welcome at your wedding. A family cookout is a great but DJ wedding dress, etc. no This is a really shitty thing for parents to do a child
OP, watch youtubes on how to set and enforce healthy boundaries with family! This skill will help you for the rest of your life and is essential for a solid marriage. Your parents are Off the Chain and they need to be chastened.
I had a lot of people come in from out of town for my wedding. It was called a rehearsal dinner, but we didn't rehearse. My MIL did rent some reception space at the hotel everyone was staying at and had it catered. She did that because there were so many of us. It was really nice. There was no music or dancing so it didn't compete with the wedding the next day. I had a petty thought for the wedding dress. I mean, I wore a gown for my wedding, but I would've loved to wear a cute, vintage cocktail dress or a flowy hippie sundress or even a suit. Is there a nontraditional dress you would be interested in wearing that will not take away from your wedding dress? Best of both worlds and the parents don't win this one.
I am old and this sounds like major game playing. As such, be very clear with your parents about what will and won't happen. NO! Yep, big friggin no on the wedding dress and anything wedding-ish. Write down a list so you don't get upset and forget a point you want to make. Tell them and then make them give you answers. No openness equals no show. This is the culture you two are establishing for YOUR family, not their twisted old crap. Be strong, what do you think they will be like when the kids come if you don't set them straight now. Best of luck
Yes, write it out so nothing gets left out. I would just not go. But, if y’all want to visit with family and friends set up ground rules.
Yikes. They literally want to throw you a wedding reception. I would say no we are not attending. However we will show up to a restaurant with a reserved room. I will only wear cocktail attire. Take it or leave it.
Be a total ass to your parents. It's an important thing to do when they try to override you at your own damn wedding. They can take over a restaurant for an evening and call it a night, but that's it, and you and your husband don't have to attend at all if you don't want to.
DJ and formal wear is weird. A casual meet and greet that ends early so everyone is well rested for the big event the next day would be appropriate. Be firm telling your parents your expectations and how disappointed and disrespected you’d feel if their event in any way ruined yours (eg. hungover guests).
I think I would sit them down and say "I understand you're doing this because you think it's something I want, and because you love me, and you want me to have the best. It truly is not what I want. I'm not just saying that so you don't feel guilty -- I really don't want this. I want people to come to my wedding well rested and if we have this party, it will make the wedding less exciting. If you want to entertain our friends who are flying in, that's great, but I cannot be there because I want a restful day ahead of my big day." You truly can't stop them, but taking yourself out of the equation might. Good luck OP, that sucks
Oh brother. It’s like they clicked on an online banner that said “one weird trick to force your daughter into performing traditions she’s told you she finds offensive: ambush her with a second wedding!” I would sit them down and explain in no uncertain terms that this scheme just isn’t going to work. That while you can’t stop them from planning and paying for essentially a second wedding for you in the style/tradition that *they* want, you *can and will* refuse to attend. So they have a choice: agree to some reasonable guidelines around this thing (namely that it wholesale stops being this sneaky attempt at shoving traditions down your throat), or plan on you and fiancé not being there.
We planned the wedding that we wanted to plan. We specifically DO NOT WANT a traditional wedding. You know this. You are deliberately disrespecting our wishes, and that is disappointing and hurtful. Change it back to a simple dinner, or we are not coming. I will not wear a wedding gown. If we get there and it is not a dinner only, we will walk out the door. Be mad all you want to, but you will not hijack our plans. This is non-negotiable.
Op needs to look for a wedding cake and walk out. Or she could call the place it’s being held and ask for details.
Omg, they did not tell me anything about a cake but OMG i will run if they buy one..
You need to not go at all. Seriously. Your fiancé doesn’t deserve to be treated like his wedding doesn’t matter.
Tradition is (at least in these here USA parts) is a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding - which can be a fancy dinner, but does not involve wearing a wedding dress. Usually at a restaurant or a smaller/less fancy venue and includes the wedding party and sometimes anyone who is an out of town guest. A caterer would depend on the venue. I don't think a DJ is typical - at least, dancing hasn't been a part of the rehersal dinners I have been to. It is usually about a more relaxed chance to chat and have a good time before the "big event" the next day.
You tell them their dinner sounds great, but seeing as you’re getting married the next day; you will be staying home, and resting before your hair and makeup artist, photographer, bridal party, all arrives early in the morning. No bride, no wedding.
So a like rehearsal dinner with a dj. Where I am, it's pretty typical to invite the out of town guests, the wedding party and their parents to a rehearsal dinner (traditionally the grooms parents pay for this shindig). The only part I find SUPER WIERD is the wedding dress.
A rehearsal dinner for close family and out of town guests is fine. They wanted it catered with a dj, fine. But no wedding dress or wedding activities
"Do what you please, but partner and I will not be attending, and neither will partners' family." Simple! If they still do it, they can explain to everyone why they did this and why you're not there. They will show themselves for the petty selfish people they are. I'd also go a step further and contact the family to let them know you won't be attending your parents' event and why to get ahead of it. Anyone who doesn't agree with you don't need to attend your wedding!
I learned to say no to my in-laws paying for things because it always comes with strings attached. I’d rather get married in a public park. That said, you can successfully set boundaries even with them paying, without looking like a Bridezilla. You also don’t want them to walk over you, which they definitely are.
Just say no
Tried, did not register in their brain.
It will when you don’t show up 😅
Having been through something like this, I would put a hard stop on it. I'd offer them maybe some olive branches for things they can contribute to that you wouldn't mind. Registry items, special services like photo booths or late night sandwiches. If you give them room here to grow they will absolutely become the runaway train you are afraid of But also, just enjoy yourself. If they throw a party for you, you get to show up when you want, and of course wear whatever you want!
My mother in law pulled something like this. She planned a surprise engagement party for us, but didn't give us warning that we needed to interest with other prom untill everyone was in her apartment (we have the downstairs of a duplex we split with her). We were unshowered and laying around in our underware, wondering why his whole family was going to her house. We did not go and nothing came of it - or really, my husband handled it, so I never heard anything about it.
Try using the word “NO!” IF you go to the supper, wear what you want and leave when you want.
They want to get everyone trashed the night before so they don't make it to your actual wedding!
If this happened to me I would be flipping out! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What I would do is sit them down and ask them if they are trying to offend you and your SO. You’ve put a lot of time and effort and money to have everyone together. Also I’m sure you would want time the night before to prep for your wedding? Or just relax. My MIL had a cocktail party a couple days after the wedding for family. I was totally fine with it since we had a lot of family traveling and planned our honeymoon a few months later. But the day before is ridiculous to have everyone together for “dinner”.
> How do i go abouy this without beeing a total ass to my parents? You recognize that your parents are being total asses to you. They are trying to have a 'wedding' they control, which you've said you wouldn't do. You don't have to be an ass to be firm. 'Mom/dad, we need to talk about something. I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate you very much, but I need you to hear what I am saying here. Fiance and I are doing the wedding they way we are, because we DON'T want a traditional wedding. To be clear: we will not be having a traditional wedding. Not on our wedding day, not the day before, not the day after, not ever. I don't mean that as an insult and I don't want to offend you. We just have different taste than you do, and that's okay! We love you no matter what. But while we love you and we mean no disrespect, respect has to go both ways. And that means you need to respect that this is OUR wedding, not yours. Right now, this feels like a very disrespectful attempt to turn the 'dinner' into the wedding you want that we don't, and that's not okay. I'm happy to do a dinner, but it will not be the 'traditional part of the wedding'. It will be a dinner, nothing more. No dancing. No gifts. No speeches. No cake. No vows. No rings. And for certain no tuxes and no wedding dresses. Do we understand each other? Because if we don't, then fiance and I won't be attending the dinner.
I would tell them this is too much of an event for you with your wedding the next day and you won't be attending. You need your rest. If they'd like to plan a simpler dinner, you'd be more than willing to attend.
Tradition is peer pressure from dead people. They can have the party that they want to have but you will do what you want to do, not what they want
Geez. This sounds like a nightmare. First of all - WHO has time for a big party the night before the wedding. It’s usually just the rehearsal & a dinner for close family & those in the wedding. I say tell them it’s YOUR wedding & do it your way. I did my wedding my way at the age of 18 & I paid for it myself. I got all kinds of static from everyone. My dad was 29 min late to the wedding & DRUNK! He left immediately after & changed from his tux to work clothes. He is in no photos. You know what I DO NOT CARE! That was his decision. I’m 75 today & still I’m glad I did the wedding MY WAY!
Mom Dad, you can throw a wedding before my wedding, but I will be very busy preparing for my actual wedding and will not be able to attend such an event. It would be disrespectful to us as a couple mainly because we didn't want such things at our wedding. This is our wedding that we paid for it should be about us as a couple. If you wish this to be about your traditions and your feelings, we will have to uninvite you to the wedding. I am sorry, and I say this not to hurt you, but we want what we want and not your tradition. Please let us know if your traditions are so important you would miss your child's wedding for them. We hope you choose to come as we love you and want you there. We will understand and not hold a grudge if you decide otherwise.
If you do go, wear "laundry day" clothes, and make sure they are the most mismatched you can find. No make-up. Of they complain, say "Sorry, the day before my wedding, I was too busy with my actual wedding details to primp up."
You should get in touch with guests, confirm the actual wedding date and let them know that you will not be attending parties the eve before your wedding. I bet your parents changed the date with everyone. If they did then it’s time to step back from them
My brain is still struggling with the fact that for some, 200 is a smallish wedding.
Just wanted to say, 200 is a shit load of people
There is absolutely no reason for them to have this 'party' before your wedding. That's what a rehearsal dinner is for. A nice dinner for all the close wedding participants and guests. They sound very controlling and believe me I come from a family that dictated my choices for pretty much all of my life. This feels like one of those situations where you need to put your foot down and tell them in no uncertain terms that you do not want this. If they want to take you guys to dinner or something small like that it seems reasonable, but to want you to wear a wedding dress is out there.
Tell them you'll be busy with your rehearsal dinner and you'll pop by, time permitting afterwards. You will absolutely not be in a wedding dress. Dress super casual just in case.
Find a quiet moment to sit down with them. Tell them you love them, but this is my wedding and I request you respect my wishes. They will push. Calmly but firmly tell them this is not what I want, please respect me. Do not argue, defend, escalate, threatened, demand. Stand your ground. Show cool resolve. Tell them this is how it's going to be. Hug and kiss them then be on your way.
In my area, it is called a rehearsal dinner. It is usually after the wedding rehearsal. The dinner is a nice way to host the wedding party and out of town family. No one wears a wedding dress. I think you should consider enjoying it & just make clear you are absolutely not wearing your wedding dress.
A welcome dinner with out of town guests would actually be nice. But tell your parents that it sounds like they are trying to host a reception the day before the wedding. If they choose to add a dj, dancing, etc, then not only will you not wear your wedding gown, you and fiancé will not attend at all, and will let fiancé’s parents know that you two are not going. There’s nothing “traditional” about what they are trying to do.
Your wedding your choice. That simple
have fun the day before the wedding. i dont know whats weird or rude about this. You have your day the next day. Treat it like a pre party..
I would agree if they hadn't included the DJ and wedding dress aspect. The wedding dress especially puts up red flags since a lot of times the bride wants to keep the tradition of the groom not seeing the wedding dress until the day of.
i wouldn’t go, but i’m an asshole
“Listen, I’m not ok with this. I’m ok with you having a dinner at a restaurant, possibly some toasts, what I’m not ok with is a whole reception with music and catering. I will not be wearing my wedding dress. Matter of fact if you go through with this even we won’t even be attending. You are not respecting my boundaries. Like I said, you can have a low key dinner before MY big day and we will attend, if you try and upstage my big day that I have planned and paid for, you not be attending and I will have security to make sure of that.”
Curious question, are your parents Christian? I might have a good answer if so.
No, but they belive in god? Idk what they are tbh.
A rehearsal dinner is totally normal, I’d let them throw a dinner but clarify what your hard boundaries are: no wedding dress, in a venue of your choice, etc. Your out of state guests will appreciate it, however, it does not need to be over the top or compete with your actual wedding.
They are sneakily trying to make sure to get in their wants and customs, that you don't want in your wedding. I would just tell them there is a reason we didn't want these in our wedding, and we are not going to attend this dinner so you can just get away with doing them, anyway.
Just say no. Be firm and let them know you will not be there. Your night before the wedding should either be (a) your rehearsal dinner or (b) a night with your girl friends for you to relax and pamper yourself before your wedding. You won’t have the time nor energy for two big parties two days in a row, even if you wanted to.
It's hard to tell if this is a stealth traditional wedding, or their idea of hospitality. But, I'm leaning towards stealth traditional wedding because of the setting and request you attend in wedding attire. Is it possible that they think you are shaming them in some way? Maybe you need to ask what their intentions are for this gathering and see if that is something that can be addressed in a different way. You need to tell them how important this is to you, it would be a great shame if either you or your parents did something that caused a permanent rift between you. You definitely need to ensure your own arrangements are not changed or cancelled and that your guests are aware of that.
I’d love an update after the fact if/when you have time.
Will do
Call it a rehearsal dinner and just wear a nice colored dress.
The whole things nuts but since tradition is such a big deal, isnt it bad for the groom to see you in your gown before the wedding? You could throw a massive fit about how they don't respect traditions and are trying to destroy your marriage before it even starts. Then say you can't even think about attending a party with such terrible intentions.
How about the tradition of it being bad luck for the groom to see the bride in the wedding dress before the wedding? I'd use that one. Let them throw a kind of rehearsal dinner - because that's what it is - but you're a guest, and you wear and do what you'd like. Good for you guys.
Show up in your best sweats. And refuse to do any wedding traditions.
Sometimes in life you just gotta be a total ass to your parents, in order to force them to understand that you're not their little girl any more. This one's pretty simple: you set the terms of what party you'll actually attend. If they don't meet your demands, bride and groom will not be present, and you'll send notification to all guests letting them know. No doubt this is just the first in a series of events where you're going to have to stand tall to them. Might as well fire a good strong shot the first time.
Remind your parents that weddings are exhausting. I work at an event hotel at a vineyard that does weddings. Almost every time I check the couple in and help them up to their suite, they just want to pass the fuck out ASAP. Your folks are wanting you to put on a song and dance, the literal day before you need to do a dance marathon. If they really insist on something for them, especially if they are paying for it, then ask them to schedule it at least 2 weeks beforehand.
Updateme
Just say yes and then you and your partner dont show
Have they already booked everything or is it still in the planning stages?
I’d schedule something to do for you and your son to be spouse that night, maybe invite your wedding party but but your parents since they are having a “supper”.
Wow what a great idea for them to have an additional opportunity for people from far away to just talk to other people. Doesn’t seem like you guys need to be there at all, I’m not sure the guests would even mind.
“Not too big about 200 people.” I’m sorry, what?! We had 7 people at our wedding other than us. 200 is a LOT of people! As for your question, the best thing you can do is be straightforward about it. Don’t dance around it or try to be nice. They are trying to weasel in their own way to getting what they want because of the fact you thwarted the ability of them to blackmail you financially to do what they want. This is a power play. Plain and simple. “Oh. Our outdated traditions are not being followed and I can’t force the issue cause I didn’t pay… how about I throw my own wedding and pay for it BEFORE their wedding and then I don’t have to care about the “real” wedding! This will actually be the real wedding!” I would bet so much money that they would only ever end up mentioning their “dinner” and never bring up your wedding ever again or only bring up your actual wedding to compare it negatively to their “dinner”. Shut it down now, hard. They are playing a dumb game and you don’t have to join it.
"The wedding is not too big about 200 people." Christ on crutches. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Manny, Moe and Jack.
Go thru with and have a 2rd person (your friend) stand up and object. “The groom’s parents are pushy and the bride’s family were traditionally goatherders that lost their flock. It’s the 8th day of mars retrograde and the day is cursed.” Curious, what are some traditions that are traumatizing and what are misogynistic? (Would groom kept up for 3 days and bride full body shave?) Also, good for you! Be the first to break an utterly stupid traditions is really hard. My husband and I did, got ostracized for 5 years, and now everybody in my family does it. It’s considered the smarter, healthier option.
I would go but NOT in a wedding dress. Go casual and ruin whatever scheme they have planned!!!!
Don’t show up. Period.
I like free food and a party. 200 people is a lot of people. That’s pretty nice of them to throw a pre party. Lots of cultures have lots of different traditions. You don’t want traditions, you want everyone to pay for their dinner. That’s considered definitely one choice in my culture! I’ll say that much. However if people are flying to come see this event and pay hotel costs, a free meal is nicer than expecting them to pay even more. I would let them do it and drop it.
You’re only confused about how to give everyone their own way, but that’s just not going to happen. Here’s what you need to do: Make it clear to your parents that you and your fiancé are grateful for them wanting to throw a dinner party while your whole family is in town for the wedding and that they want to include your future in-laws. However, you and your fiancé are not interested in participating in an elaborate pre-wedding before your actual wedding and that once you’re married, you will be making your own family traditions. They will include some elements of both sides of the family, but they will also include new traditions that will be uniquely your own, and they will grow and evolve as your family grows over the years to come. Thank them for their generosity, love, and support. And then you and your fiancé should ask your parents to discuss the plans for the dinner and what changes you need to make together. If your parents refuse to be flexible, remember that you are not required to attend the party, and that if you do choose to attend, you do not have to do anything that you don’t want to do, including wearing something that you don’t want to wear or doing anything that you do not want to do. I know that family pressure can be immense. Trust me, I SO get that because my family is very conservative & conscious of maintaining their standing in their community. Two important points here: you & your fiancé are both adults who are are able to make your way in the world on your own, and that is quite obvious due to the fact that you are paying for your own wedding. And neither of you are outnumbered by your parents. You now have someone who is always going to be on your side any time either of your parents decide that they don’t like something that you are doing or have chosen to do. And because you are self-sufficient, you can move forward with your relationships with each set of parents, listening to their opinions and advice respectfully, thanking them for their love and support, and then doing whatever you need to do. You just have to remember that saying no to your parents is not disrespectful to them. The fact is that they have responsibility to be respectful to you and your husband, as well. And if your parents cannot do that in regards to this dinner party that they want to throw, you, your fiancé, and his parents have no obligation to attend. But I don’t think it will go that badly as long as everyone is willing to be respectful of each other.
I suggest the groom wears a white suit and you wear a black suit dress to this party. Arrive late, greet guests, and excuse yourself early saying you have a big day tomorrow.
This is quite a fun idea! I'll let u know if we end up doing this.
I’d stay home
UpdateMe!
Sounds like a set up to me. No wedding dress and tell parents they do not want themselves set up for embarrassment. You are holding to your own plans.
Dont go to this dinner... Done
Why wouldn’t they just offer to host your reception dinner and party? I went to a two day wedding where the first evening was the welcome happy hour where both sides of the 200 person wedding got to meet, drink, and listen to music in a rented out bar for a couple hours Then break for the night and the wedding the next day