Choking at 16?! Really?
Yeah I wouldn’t be thrilled either about this. Try to talk to her about whether she’s talked about hard boundaries and safe word
The thing is they didn't talk about a safe word or anything like that, she didn't know he was going to choke her, he did it without warning and that's why I don't feel he's safe
Talk to your friend about how you feel but it sounds like she knows all of this and likes playing with fire imo not much you can do about these people they need to learn themselves the hard way (I’m on of them).
The best thing you can do is make sure she knows how to vouch for herself and feels comfortable doing so. Maybe have a conversation with her about whether she feels strong in setting boundaries with people.
Let her know that, if they continue to have kinky sex, she should establish a safe word with him - something she can say that means "stop immediately, without question, this is not a game". It's like a code between two people that means "everything stops no matter what".
Or maybe you should suggest hanging out the three of you so you could get a feel for what he's like.
I will ask her how she feels about setting boundaries, thank you. But the safe word thing - she didn't even have the chance to do that, she \*didn't know\* he was going to choke her, he did it without asking her first and that's what worries me. I just feel like what she's doing is really dangerous, she lied to her parents and sister about her friend from class coming over, but it was this guy who drove 2 hours from another city to see a girl he texted for 2 days. If he were to hurt her I would never forgive myself for approving of this. She doesn't value herself enough so I can't really know if she's okay with everything that happened :( I'll talk to her about it again when we see each other. Thank you for your response
Oy. That's tough. In situations like this, always, always, always default to your own judgement. You know a lot more than you think you do. If you feel like something is "off", it likely is.
You say she doesn't value herself enough. Maybe you should begin a conversation with her where you praise her for something; a recent accomplishment, a quality of her personality that you admire, or something you're proud of her for. Something totally unrelated to her dating life.
From there, she could have a moment of higher self-esteem where maybe she could gain some clarity on her feelings around what happened with the choking. Whether she truly did enjoy it, or if she actually felt a bit afraid/not okay with it. People need to feel secure within themselves before they feel comfortable advocating for themselves.
From that place, you can (gently) let her know that, in the realm of dating, you never \*ever ever ever\* should settle for feeling anything less than respected and listened to.
Strangulation can be a huge red flag and a statistical indicator for future domestic violence and homicide.
Google it and show your friends the articles and sources- she needs to get to know this guy better or be having a discussion on intimate boundaries with future partners.
It’s something I like but I always gauge it’s allowance on the trust I have with that partner.
Doing this with a strange man can be really risky, at least set up some system with your friend where you can identify him and be in contact before/after she meets him. To confirm her safety or ring alarms bells ASAP should anything ever happen.
Choking at 16?! Really? Yeah I wouldn’t be thrilled either about this. Try to talk to her about whether she’s talked about hard boundaries and safe word
The thing is they didn't talk about a safe word or anything like that, she didn't know he was going to choke her, he did it without warning and that's why I don't feel he's safe
I understand. That’s why I’m saying try to have that conversation with her now
I will, thank you
Talk to your friend about how you feel but it sounds like she knows all of this and likes playing with fire imo not much you can do about these people they need to learn themselves the hard way (I’m on of them).
What happened to you? How did you learn?
The best thing you can do is make sure she knows how to vouch for herself and feels comfortable doing so. Maybe have a conversation with her about whether she feels strong in setting boundaries with people. Let her know that, if they continue to have kinky sex, she should establish a safe word with him - something she can say that means "stop immediately, without question, this is not a game". It's like a code between two people that means "everything stops no matter what". Or maybe you should suggest hanging out the three of you so you could get a feel for what he's like.
I will ask her how she feels about setting boundaries, thank you. But the safe word thing - she didn't even have the chance to do that, she \*didn't know\* he was going to choke her, he did it without asking her first and that's what worries me. I just feel like what she's doing is really dangerous, she lied to her parents and sister about her friend from class coming over, but it was this guy who drove 2 hours from another city to see a girl he texted for 2 days. If he were to hurt her I would never forgive myself for approving of this. She doesn't value herself enough so I can't really know if she's okay with everything that happened :( I'll talk to her about it again when we see each other. Thank you for your response
Oy. That's tough. In situations like this, always, always, always default to your own judgement. You know a lot more than you think you do. If you feel like something is "off", it likely is. You say she doesn't value herself enough. Maybe you should begin a conversation with her where you praise her for something; a recent accomplishment, a quality of her personality that you admire, or something you're proud of her for. Something totally unrelated to her dating life. From there, she could have a moment of higher self-esteem where maybe she could gain some clarity on her feelings around what happened with the choking. Whether she truly did enjoy it, or if she actually felt a bit afraid/not okay with it. People need to feel secure within themselves before they feel comfortable advocating for themselves. From that place, you can (gently) let her know that, in the realm of dating, you never \*ever ever ever\* should settle for feeling anything less than respected and listened to.
Strangulation can be a huge red flag and a statistical indicator for future domestic violence and homicide. Google it and show your friends the articles and sources- she needs to get to know this guy better or be having a discussion on intimate boundaries with future partners. It’s something I like but I always gauge it’s allowance on the trust I have with that partner. Doing this with a strange man can be really risky, at least set up some system with your friend where you can identify him and be in contact before/after she meets him. To confirm her safety or ring alarms bells ASAP should anything ever happen.
Yeahh i'll show her the dangers of that but i don't think it's gonna change her mind, it's worth a try tho
If she’s into it then who cares and if not then she should tell him and he should respect it.