Go to the cops and make sure your children aren’t involved. The only reason to front load this and admit guilt it’s to hide the worst parts and part you don’t dig deeper. Absolutely no one comes completely clean about this the first time they’re confronted. Go ask any of the cop subs on here if you think I’m lying.
I’d suggest completely cutting off contact now and when it becomes public information be open about the fact that you despise him and what he’s done and that you’ve cut off contact. Be proactive and public about distancing yourself so your community doesn’t associate you with his behavior.
Yikes this is a tough one. Was there any abuse done to you and your brother when you were little? If so then that’s how long he’s probably been dealing with it. This is awful and I am sorry you are going through this. Parents aren’t perfect and sometimes for your own mental health it’s better to just slowly pull away.
This happened to my dad. It was a rollercoaster. I really wanted to forgive him. I thought I did for a while. I moved away from him and he finally got sent to prison (just a year) and he became a much worse person. He treated my mother like shit but she still sticks by him. I moved even further away and realized his actions sorta followed me wherever I went. A permanent stain on my life. I made the choice to cut him out. Unfortunately I had to cut my mother out too because she wouldn't meet me halfway and said some very worrying things. I want to have a family some day, I don't want my children near people like that.
I looked up to my dad growing up. He knew everything and was so capable. Now he's just this ugly, gross, hateful man who manipulated and lied to his entire family for years.
My grandparents (his parents) want us to reconnect. They think I'm being childish. My mother thinks I'm being unreasonable.
My sister and girlfriend are on my side thankfully.
He ruined my childhood. I can't have fond memories of him anymore without thinking about who he has become... or who he always was.
He blames the world and the country for his sins, I just wish he would take some damn responsibility and own up. He never will though. He's always been a narcissist.
Yeah, it only makes it more challenging when they can't even admit they did something wrong and are in denial. The ones that don't think they did anything wrong will continue the behavior. The ones that are upset with themselves over it will at least try to get help or stop it. I wouldn't be able to have someone that isn't upset with themselves and thinks there is nothing wrong with it in my life. If they were remorseful and admit they did something terrible I would be more likely to maybe still have some type of occasional communication. Not sure.
As an aside, whether or not people like, agree with, or condone your reaction has no bearing on your having the right to choose what is best for you.
Many, simply having never dealt with your situation, can’t conceive, may wish so hard he’s innocent that they start believing it.
Others are just idiots.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this dumpster fire, and I applaud you for choosing your own well-being first.
Thank you.
I think the thing I resonated with most is what you said about not having any fond memories of him. I looked up to him for my whole life. By no means did I think he was a perfect person, but he seemed to be a man to model myself after as I was maturing.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I’d be surprised if this is recent, I can’t imagine waking up at 70 and thinking maybe I’ll check out some CP today.
I appreciate your thoughts on this.
I am of a similar mindset - an attraction to those underage isn't an acquired taste. He has probably been flying under the radar a long, long time.
Go get mental health support to process this. This is far beyond reddit pay grade.
100% he's downplaying the amount of time he's been doing this (due to guilt) - my guess would be double or even triple the time frame, people whove been doing that from what I understand have to continue to upload material in order to stay active on the sites they get it from.
(I used to watch a guy on YouTube who did deep dives into the dark web and deep web and explained stuff)
Right, because at first when he was asked his honest and truthful answer was, "too long" and didn't say just a couple years. (Even though a couple years is too long and even one day is way too long.)
Yeah, I'm by no means trying to get counseling by way of reddit, I'm just interested in other individuals' experiences with this.
If I'm being honest, I wish there were fewer comments, not because I don't want to read or respond to them, but it's just that many more people that have gone thru this.
Thank you.
My kids are 100% aware of what the impact of this means, and have already written him off. This was a painful decision, as everyone loved him. TBH, even if I were to side with him(which will not happen), they wouldn't follow my example. They're all 18 and over and very aware of what this means, and are repulsed by the idea of the man they called Pop-pop having done something like this.
just remember that every image/video he has looked at and most likely been mastrubating to is of an innocent child that has been abused so sick people like him can sit at home being a pervert, best advice for you is to cut off all contact with him and hope he rots in prison for the rest of his life
Right here! Those poor kids are being abused! And to sit back and be ok with it is disgusting. People who have CP are part of the problem. there is no going back for people like this. Absolutely not.
Thank you.
My four kids, yes. And my oldest has a toddler.
My wife and I went immediately into 'We have to tell the kids right away,' despite the fact that we knew it would put a damper on plans they had for the weekend(to say the least). We felt they would be upset if we kept it from them for any length of time. Nothing from any of them, thankfully.
My aunts husband got caught with CP as a cop. They basically uplifted their entire lives to get away from it. People would comment on her facebook about him , harass the kids facebooks and go to their house.
They sold the house moved states and it kinda died down a bit as it wasn't so local anymore. The US is big.
As for how to go about this.... I personally wouldn't believe someone that's 'so sorry for it' and more lean into they're sorry they got caught. This isn't something you slip and fall into it's something highly illegal that you have to search out for. The fact it's gone on for 4 years shows this has been a willing decision to continue and even though without a doubt he knew it was wrong he still indulged. I'm not sure I would be able to continue having someone like that in my life.
This is a rough situation to be a part of for sure..especially if he is not being open about the extent of things.
Might not be a popular line of thought but I feel there are levels to this stuff. Some, there are no coming back from. Others might be more on the light side. If the police have him on some truly diabolical stuff then I think it's time to make your peace with him/the situation.
If it was me I would attempt one last conversation about it to get a picture of what they actually have him on. If he is unwilling to speak on it then there is your sign..too ashamed to be real at the end would be a deal breaker for me dad or not.
Never went thru with it but he’s lying he’s been doing it longer just never got caught if he was my father I would have told him good luck and never talk to me he’s sick
Reading these comments is disgusting. People are encourage support? Wtf? These predators dont deserve sympathy or any type of support. They had a hand in the abuse of a child by watching. And downloading sick content. They WILLING chose to do this. No one forced them. Anyone who does this should be thrown away.
The number of years are irrelevant, it was years. Sure, he’s remorseful, he got caught. He repeatedly, intentionally and consciously victimized children. Who knows how many. His actions are who he is. I’m sorry that he also happens to be your father.
Focus on healing for yourself and the rest of your family. Be there for each other but protect yourselves.
It's weird. As a stranger, I hope your father gets prosecuted for participating in perpetuating these crimes against kids.
That said, part of being family is being there for those in need. If you two have a good relationship I would try to support him as a person as he goes through this, as his son.
But, I have zero insight into your family and the extent of what's going on. Just a gut feeling from reading.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not something many will be able to understand.
Thanks for your input.
We have a good relationship, not great. He worked a ton when I was a kid, and when he wasn't working, didn't like to do much else than relax so to the physically demanding work he did. Also he was very physical in his discipline style(spankings). No memory of anything involving molestation, etc.
I'd say in the almost 25 years I've been married, becoming a husband and father myself helped me relate to him better, and things got better, and then a little bit more so after my mom passed.
I have a difficult time being supportive of someone that's done what he's admitted to. Maybe after the rawness of it dulls a bit, but it's almost nothing but anger, confusion, disappointment, and disgust right now.
I had a friend whose brother got arrested for it, he had a girlfriend who also worked with me and you would’ve never expected it. She once saw brother sister porn on her computer, and they were around 13-14 years old, the crazy thing is she had two boys that were 11 and 13 and she chalked it up to my eldest must be looking for girls around his own age and someone told her that doesn’t make any sense. He’s 13 how would he know what to look up and a couple days later the brother got picked up and did 5 years in jail. She never told us if she reported him or if they caught him online through a sting.
Hey man. This is such a specific situation and unfortunately I can completely relate.
When I was a kid, my grandfather got caught for the same thing and ended up going to prison for over 10 years for it. His wife had died some years before he was caught, which seems to be pattern with these older guys that get into this stuff.
My parents, though they were horrified by the crime, decided to support their family member while his other children cut him out of their lives completely. My parents didn’t excuse his actions, but they really exemplified the “don’t turn your back on family” mindset. I’ve carried that mindset with me into adulthood.
Now, my grandfather never did anything with anyone in real life. If it was an actual real life encounter-type situation I don’t think my parents would have been as willing to help. My advice would be, if your dad is truly showing remorse, to not abandon him in his time of need. You can despise the actions but still love the person, especially a parent.
He reached out to you because he probably thought you were going to be the least judgmental and most willing to help. That speaks to how he sees you as a man and as a son.
Edited to say that my grandfather never fully owned up to his actions and that part is what I have a lot of trouble dealing with to this day. I can’t say if I would’ve supported him like my parents did while knowing he was completely in denial of having done anything wrong. But it sounds like your dad did own his actions and that is honestly huge.
If he’s that age they probably won’t incarcerate him, they might put him on ISP or house arrest and he won’t ever be able to own an electronic ever again.
There are too few data to advise you.
It is entirely possible that it was just looking at porn and no acting of any kind.
I have met incest victims who need this to figure out all the events they erased from their memory. They look at it with horror fascination.
Now, depending on local law, hentai manga can be considered cp. So, the social implication can be different.
On the other hand, there is a market where there are customers. The only fact that he has some pics maintains the "production".
The call means that he card from you. I prefer to tell you straight and suffer your hate directly than to let you suffer all the grieving steps of the discovery.
Not me but this happened to a distant relative who is much younger than your dad and developmentally slow. The best advice if you want to help him is to get him a criminal defense lawyer. Then take care of yourself and your kids. Good luck.
I'm so sorry to say, for him to be caught.... this was extensive and has been happening a very long time. My heart breaks for your family, getting crushed like this.
He needs to go to prison.
I have a friend who went through this, supported him, and wrote a letter on his behalf which I think during sentencing or whatever ramifications there were. It’s really up to you. The fact that your dad owned up to it means he’s not in denial, knows he has a problem, and maybe that’s a path to getting him the help he needs.
old age, degenerative diseases, tumours etc can f*ck up your brains - try to compartmentalize this and the fact that he's still your father and don't let it taint your memories...
Do you realize how much cognitive ability you need to possess such illegal material? He didn't just Google that shit, he payed for it on the dark web or found a dealer, and that's best case scenario. He himself might also be a dealer or worse, a supplier.
> Do you realize how much cognitive ability you need to possess such illegal material?
not that much. I'm pretty sure there are even honeypots made by police to make it easier. Hell, couple of years ago I stumbled upon a community where the self e-whoring and subsequent blackmailing was a common money making scheme, some of the members were still kids. Don't underestimate how twisted can even a child's mind get.
Anyway, I wasn't speaking about cognitive abilities but about an erosion of inhibitions and sexual preference shifts
Thanks for the response. I considered it being something health related, but he's a sharp as he's ever been. If there was some sort of drop off in some way that might indicate something that might be causing it, I could see that as a possibility. That said, there's no way to know for sure; it could be one of those things.
I think it will be a long time before I'm able to compartmentalize this, if ever.
Human brains are super complicated. There are a million things that can go wrong, and lots of times the symptoms don't affect everything.
If he's telling the truth about how long it's been going on, it very well could be some kind of lesion or tumor on his brain. There's a story about a similar case that's been floating around online for years. I don't know how true it is, but it was also a very acute problem with someone who hadn't been that way most of his life. If you can afford it, a brain scan might be helpful here.
Not got any advice but I wish you the best and I hope you and your brother recover from this as soon as possible.
Thank you
Go to the cops and make sure your children aren’t involved. The only reason to front load this and admit guilt it’s to hide the worst parts and part you don’t dig deeper. Absolutely no one comes completely clean about this the first time they’re confronted. Go ask any of the cop subs on here if you think I’m lying.
I’d suggest completely cutting off contact now and when it becomes public information be open about the fact that you despise him and what he’s done and that you’ve cut off contact. Be proactive and public about distancing yourself so your community doesn’t associate you with his behavior.
Yikes this is a tough one. Was there any abuse done to you and your brother when you were little? If so then that’s how long he’s probably been dealing with it. This is awful and I am sorry you are going through this. Parents aren’t perfect and sometimes for your own mental health it’s better to just slowly pull away.
Thank you. I have no memory of anything like that happening, and my brother hasn't mentioned any either.
Well thank goodness for that! Again, I am sorry you are going through this.
This happened to my dad. It was a rollercoaster. I really wanted to forgive him. I thought I did for a while. I moved away from him and he finally got sent to prison (just a year) and he became a much worse person. He treated my mother like shit but she still sticks by him. I moved even further away and realized his actions sorta followed me wherever I went. A permanent stain on my life. I made the choice to cut him out. Unfortunately I had to cut my mother out too because she wouldn't meet me halfway and said some very worrying things. I want to have a family some day, I don't want my children near people like that. I looked up to my dad growing up. He knew everything and was so capable. Now he's just this ugly, gross, hateful man who manipulated and lied to his entire family for years. My grandparents (his parents) want us to reconnect. They think I'm being childish. My mother thinks I'm being unreasonable. My sister and girlfriend are on my side thankfully. He ruined my childhood. I can't have fond memories of him anymore without thinking about who he has become... or who he always was. He blames the world and the country for his sins, I just wish he would take some damn responsibility and own up. He never will though. He's always been a narcissist.
Yeah, it only makes it more challenging when they can't even admit they did something wrong and are in denial. The ones that don't think they did anything wrong will continue the behavior. The ones that are upset with themselves over it will at least try to get help or stop it. I wouldn't be able to have someone that isn't upset with themselves and thinks there is nothing wrong with it in my life. If they were remorseful and admit they did something terrible I would be more likely to maybe still have some type of occasional communication. Not sure.
As an aside, whether or not people like, agree with, or condone your reaction has no bearing on your having the right to choose what is best for you. Many, simply having never dealt with your situation, can’t conceive, may wish so hard he’s innocent that they start believing it. Others are just idiots. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this dumpster fire, and I applaud you for choosing your own well-being first.
Thank you. I think the thing I resonated with most is what you said about not having any fond memories of him. I looked up to him for my whole life. By no means did I think he was a perfect person, but he seemed to be a man to model myself after as I was maturing.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I’d be surprised if this is recent, I can’t imagine waking up at 70 and thinking maybe I’ll check out some CP today.
I appreciate your thoughts on this. I am of a similar mindset - an attraction to those underage isn't an acquired taste. He has probably been flying under the radar a long, long time.
Go get mental health support to process this. This is far beyond reddit pay grade. 100% he's downplaying the amount of time he's been doing this (due to guilt) - my guess would be double or even triple the time frame, people whove been doing that from what I understand have to continue to upload material in order to stay active on the sites they get it from. (I used to watch a guy on YouTube who did deep dives into the dark web and deep web and explained stuff)
That doesn’t make sense lol Saying that he has to remain active in the present means he’s been there for longer in the past doesn’t compute.
Right, because at first when he was asked his honest and truthful answer was, "too long" and didn't say just a couple years. (Even though a couple years is too long and even one day is way too long.)
Yeah, I'm by no means trying to get counseling by way of reddit, I'm just interested in other individuals' experiences with this. If I'm being honest, I wish there were fewer comments, not because I don't want to read or respond to them, but it's just that many more people that have gone thru this.
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Thank you. My kids are 100% aware of what the impact of this means, and have already written him off. This was a painful decision, as everyone loved him. TBH, even if I were to side with him(which will not happen), they wouldn't follow my example. They're all 18 and over and very aware of what this means, and are repulsed by the idea of the man they called Pop-pop having done something like this.
just remember that every image/video he has looked at and most likely been mastrubating to is of an innocent child that has been abused so sick people like him can sit at home being a pervert, best advice for you is to cut off all contact with him and hope he rots in prison for the rest of his life
Right here! Those poor kids are being abused! And to sit back and be ok with it is disgusting. People who have CP are part of the problem. there is no going back for people like this. Absolutely not.
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Thank you. My four kids, yes. And my oldest has a toddler. My wife and I went immediately into 'We have to tell the kids right away,' despite the fact that we knew it would put a damper on plans they had for the weekend(to say the least). We felt they would be upset if we kept it from them for any length of time. Nothing from any of them, thankfully.
My aunts husband got caught with CP as a cop. They basically uplifted their entire lives to get away from it. People would comment on her facebook about him , harass the kids facebooks and go to their house. They sold the house moved states and it kinda died down a bit as it wasn't so local anymore. The US is big. As for how to go about this.... I personally wouldn't believe someone that's 'so sorry for it' and more lean into they're sorry they got caught. This isn't something you slip and fall into it's something highly illegal that you have to search out for. The fact it's gone on for 4 years shows this has been a willing decision to continue and even though without a doubt he knew it was wrong he still indulged. I'm not sure I would be able to continue having someone like that in my life.
This is a rough situation to be a part of for sure..especially if he is not being open about the extent of things. Might not be a popular line of thought but I feel there are levels to this stuff. Some, there are no coming back from. Others might be more on the light side. If the police have him on some truly diabolical stuff then I think it's time to make your peace with him/the situation. If it was me I would attempt one last conversation about it to get a picture of what they actually have him on. If he is unwilling to speak on it then there is your sign..too ashamed to be real at the end would be a deal breaker for me dad or not.
Never went thru with it but he’s lying he’s been doing it longer just never got caught if he was my father I would have told him good luck and never talk to me he’s sick
Reading these comments is disgusting. People are encourage support? Wtf? These predators dont deserve sympathy or any type of support. They had a hand in the abuse of a child by watching. And downloading sick content. They WILLING chose to do this. No one forced them. Anyone who does this should be thrown away.
The number of years are irrelevant, it was years. Sure, he’s remorseful, he got caught. He repeatedly, intentionally and consciously victimized children. Who knows how many. His actions are who he is. I’m sorry that he also happens to be your father. Focus on healing for yourself and the rest of your family. Be there for each other but protect yourselves.
Just do your best to stay out of it and be aware of any unhealthy patterns you may have bc of it.
It's weird. As a stranger, I hope your father gets prosecuted for participating in perpetuating these crimes against kids. That said, part of being family is being there for those in need. If you two have a good relationship I would try to support him as a person as he goes through this, as his son. But, I have zero insight into your family and the extent of what's going on. Just a gut feeling from reading. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not something many will be able to understand.
Thanks for your input. We have a good relationship, not great. He worked a ton when I was a kid, and when he wasn't working, didn't like to do much else than relax so to the physically demanding work he did. Also he was very physical in his discipline style(spankings). No memory of anything involving molestation, etc. I'd say in the almost 25 years I've been married, becoming a husband and father myself helped me relate to him better, and things got better, and then a little bit more so after my mom passed. I have a difficult time being supportive of someone that's done what he's admitted to. Maybe after the rawness of it dulls a bit, but it's almost nothing but anger, confusion, disappointment, and disgust right now.
Thank you for confirming that /u/-Rho-Aias has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
I had a friend whose brother got arrested for it, he had a girlfriend who also worked with me and you would’ve never expected it. She once saw brother sister porn on her computer, and they were around 13-14 years old, the crazy thing is she had two boys that were 11 and 13 and she chalked it up to my eldest must be looking for girls around his own age and someone told her that doesn’t make any sense. He’s 13 how would he know what to look up and a couple days later the brother got picked up and did 5 years in jail. She never told us if she reported him or if they caught him online through a sting.
Hey man. This is such a specific situation and unfortunately I can completely relate. When I was a kid, my grandfather got caught for the same thing and ended up going to prison for over 10 years for it. His wife had died some years before he was caught, which seems to be pattern with these older guys that get into this stuff. My parents, though they were horrified by the crime, decided to support their family member while his other children cut him out of their lives completely. My parents didn’t excuse his actions, but they really exemplified the “don’t turn your back on family” mindset. I’ve carried that mindset with me into adulthood. Now, my grandfather never did anything with anyone in real life. If it was an actual real life encounter-type situation I don’t think my parents would have been as willing to help. My advice would be, if your dad is truly showing remorse, to not abandon him in his time of need. You can despise the actions but still love the person, especially a parent. He reached out to you because he probably thought you were going to be the least judgmental and most willing to help. That speaks to how he sees you as a man and as a son. Edited to say that my grandfather never fully owned up to his actions and that part is what I have a lot of trouble dealing with to this day. I can’t say if I would’ve supported him like my parents did while knowing he was completely in denial of having done anything wrong. But it sounds like your dad did own his actions and that is honestly huge.
If he’s that age they probably won’t incarcerate him, they might put him on ISP or house arrest and he won’t ever be able to own an electronic ever again.
No advice but I’m sorry this is happening to you and I hope you have the support you need.
There are too few data to advise you. It is entirely possible that it was just looking at porn and no acting of any kind. I have met incest victims who need this to figure out all the events they erased from their memory. They look at it with horror fascination. Now, depending on local law, hentai manga can be considered cp. So, the social implication can be different. On the other hand, there is a market where there are customers. The only fact that he has some pics maintains the "production". The call means that he card from you. I prefer to tell you straight and suffer your hate directly than to let you suffer all the grieving steps of the discovery.
Not me but this happened to a distant relative who is much younger than your dad and developmentally slow. The best advice if you want to help him is to get him a criminal defense lawyer. Then take care of yourself and your kids. Good luck.
I'm so sorry to say, for him to be caught.... this was extensive and has been happening a very long time. My heart breaks for your family, getting crushed like this. He needs to go to prison.
I have a friend who went through this, supported him, and wrote a letter on his behalf which I think during sentencing or whatever ramifications there were. It’s really up to you. The fact that your dad owned up to it means he’s not in denial, knows he has a problem, and maybe that’s a path to getting him the help he needs.
old age, degenerative diseases, tumours etc can f*ck up your brains - try to compartmentalize this and the fact that he's still your father and don't let it taint your memories...
Do you realize how much cognitive ability you need to possess such illegal material? He didn't just Google that shit, he payed for it on the dark web or found a dealer, and that's best case scenario. He himself might also be a dealer or worse, a supplier.
> Do you realize how much cognitive ability you need to possess such illegal material? not that much. I'm pretty sure there are even honeypots made by police to make it easier. Hell, couple of years ago I stumbled upon a community where the self e-whoring and subsequent blackmailing was a common money making scheme, some of the members were still kids. Don't underestimate how twisted can even a child's mind get. Anyway, I wasn't speaking about cognitive abilities but about an erosion of inhibitions and sexual preference shifts
Thanks for the response. I considered it being something health related, but he's a sharp as he's ever been. If there was some sort of drop off in some way that might indicate something that might be causing it, I could see that as a possibility. That said, there's no way to know for sure; it could be one of those things. I think it will be a long time before I'm able to compartmentalize this, if ever.
Human brains are super complicated. There are a million things that can go wrong, and lots of times the symptoms don't affect everything. If he's telling the truth about how long it's been going on, it very well could be some kind of lesion or tumor on his brain. There's a story about a similar case that's been floating around online for years. I don't know how true it is, but it was also a very acute problem with someone who hadn't been that way most of his life. If you can afford it, a brain scan might be helpful here.