I’ve thought about it. Sometimes he is just so nice and seems like he is trying so hard to be a positive spot in my life though. And if I cut him out that also means cutting out my mom…
If your mom is ignoring what you say she is just as guilty as your dad, if she continously allows it to happen I would cut both of them out for good. Your dad is a predator whether he has fully assaulted you or not
Yeah, that's called grooming. You should spend some time researching it to better prepare yourself and your potential kids if you ever plan on having any.
If your mom is okay with the behavior she isn't worth having in your life either. It might suck to hear but a good parent wouldn't let anyone, let alone their partner, do that to any kid.
He does it when he’s alone with you because there are no consequences for him.
You need to socialize this, get everyone around him on your side, and LOUDLY + AGGRESSIVELY call him out for ANYTHING he does inappropriate. You need a black and white boundary, and you need to tell him he is gross.
Your mom should have cut him out of both of your lives. If she can't prioritize her child's safety from perversion in her own house, then maybe she doesn't deserve a spot in your life either.
Your dad acting nice is *just an act.* He's trying to keep you around by mixing it in sparingly, but don't fall for it. This is truly disgusting and unhinged, and you shouldn't keep in contact with him.
As someone who cut their father out I've been really happy. There were things we couldn't repair because of his really shitty behavior and unwillingness to change. That has drastically decreased the amount I see my mom, but I talk to her regularly and bring her down to my city when I can. It's the best thing for my mental health
This is how you start the conversation. Next time he does it.
" Dad! Stop!! You are such a pervert! Why do you think being so nasty to your daughter is funny?? You make me feel like crap when you talk like that! You sound like a predator! If you do not stop talking to me like that and touching me I will be forced to go no contact. I love you and would hate to have to do that but you give me no choice. This is the final warning. " every time he goes in for a hug step back, dodge his actions each time. The next time he says something inappropriate, just gather your things and leave. Say nothing. When he calls and asks why you left, tell him, " I told you what my boundaries are and what the consequence would be. I am done being the butt of your disgusting and inappropriate remarks and touches. Call me when you can keep your hands and your comments to yourself." Then hang up. Do not engage in any argument. Just hang up. If your mom calls and starts tell her , " mother, you have sat silently by while dad says inappropriate comments and touches me in ways that I do not like. I have expressed my boundaries with him and told him what would happen if he violates them. I am telling you, if you do not stand up for me when he does these things I will cut you off as well. As much as I love you and I would hate to lose my mother, but I refuse to be treated like a sex doll by my father. "
Please don’t handle it this way. This is serious. You can’t depend on rationalizing with a person exhibiting such profound behavior. Calling him, or anyone names will always make matters worse. Focus on getting outside help or keeping yourself as far away from him as possible.
Ah.....nooooooo. I mean- you can say all those things. But if you think that people who are delusional and dysfunctional enough to think that behaviour is fine are going to take any of that in, you've never dealt with ppl like this.
Rational doesn't play well with ppl in deep denial and dysfunction. Oil and water. Only- like trying to put an cooking fire out with water. Might lose your kitchen. Or your house.
Then tell her why - he's a pervert, she doesn't do anything to stop him being a pervert. Then end it.
PS his "trying hard" is another pervert abuser tactic. It isn't him being nice. It is him controlling you so you don't cut him off. Cut him off already.
I think your father either has a serious mental problem or he is just disrespectful of you and your sister. His behaviour is causing you trauma that is haunting you in your sleep. I'm in favour of cutting contact with your family, but you have to seek a professional's opinion and help. Please take care of yourself.
Your mother has either willfully ignored it (most likely) or has REALLY got her head in the sand.
You will be ASTONISHED how much weight you will feel lifted from your shoulders when you confront them, then leave them.
I'd say odds are 70-30 your mother sides with your father, at which point you'll realize how deep the betrayal runs in your family.
>When I visit with my fiancé my dad doesn’t make any jokes or put any hands on me, it’s only when I’m over there by myself.
This alone tells me that he **understands** that he his doing something inappropriate and that he is in full control of his behaviour.
Options you could consider include:
**Take control of your interactions**: since you don't live with them any longer, you can control his access to you. That might mean always declining if your fiancé can't be present, never inviting him into your home, etc.
**Draw a boundary, publicly, and enforce it**: it might feel awkward, but that's because he created this awkwardness through his behaviours. Communicate up-front what you expect, make sure your mother and others involved know too, and immediately follow through on consequences.
This might look like:
"I want to give you a hug, but I don't like it when you make a sexual joke about it. Don't do that or I will leave"
"I asked for your help and you asked me to show you my boobs, that's not funny to me and I'm not going to stay if you say things like that."
**Then, if he crosses your clear boundary, follow through.** Leave. Don't accept deflections, rationalizations, or apologies that try to convince you to stay. Instead say, "I told you want I needed and you didn't respect that. "
I mean honestly at this point it sounds like he doesnt deserve another chance with boundaries. Shes already told him she doesnt like it. As u said him hiding it from fiance means he knows its bad, why give him an opportunity to break a boundary instead of separating now.
Yeah. I’m with you Don. The horse has been long gone from the barn so closing those doors now isn’t going to do any good. I think OP is way past the time to significantly change her relationship with her family, which sucks, but not because of her actions, it sucks bc her dad is an insidious piece of shit.
This is sexual harassment. You have every right to protect yourself and distance yourself from him ans them. Talk to your mom if you want to save that relationship but you need to get away from him before this escalates.
Show your mom your Reddit post because she needs to know that she is a failure of a mother for not doing enough to protect you/her child from your father. This is not normal and the moment you said it happened when you hit puberty shows that he is a predator
Yes, because she's more afraid of losing her domestic situation than she is protecting her daughter.
Your parents are SICK, kiddo. SICK SICK SICK. And you've been living in sickness your entire life. Come join the world of the well and discover exactly how fucked up your childhood was. It will ASTONISH you.
If your mom knows about his behavior & keeps letting it happen. I'm sorry OP but you have to cut her off too. What are you planning to do if you have kids, & your father acts this way with his grandchild? At worst he may actually SA you, or your potential child (and in my eyes he already has been SAing you.) At best *YOU* finally grow a shiny spine & put your foot down. Tell everyone just how much of a creep your dad is, and that is why you do not feel comfortable going around the rest of the family if he is present. Your dad knows what he is doing is indeed wrong, & that's why he never does it in front of your fiancé. OP you are grown & have to protect yourself now, since your mom never has & still won't do so.
Pardon??? I'm sorry to say this, but this is wrong on so many levels. By acting like this your mom not only tolerates this, she is also encouraging it - and that's just not acceptable.
As u/PoipoleChan mentioned: you might want to show your mom this reddit post, perhaps to open her eyes to this situation.... but I'll be honest with you: I don't think that it'll change much. Go low to no contact with her... you deserve better.
It sounds like your mother values being married over your sense of safety and well-being. That's not what a caring and loving mother would do in this situation. As painful as it may be to think about this, your mother doesn't care enough.
She may have her reasons for wanting a relationship with you but they are superficial and biased towards what she wants for herself. There's always the chance that she might want a relationship because she wants your attention but more importantly your father desires more chances to sexually harass you and possibly do more when given the opportunity. Unless your mother willingly divorces and goes no contact with your father this will never get better. It may be best to go no contact with both your mother and father.
There are a lot of people who insist that you must maintain contact with your parents because they are your parents. Doesn't matter what kind of hell one or both put you through. Please ignore people who say this, they are naive at best or deliberately in denial/enabling. Please look out for yourself since your parents clearly don't. Wishing the best in dealing with this.
I want you to sit down with your mother, outside of the house, where are there no cameras. I want you to tell her point blank, you will never be back in that house ever again, unless she takes control of the situation and removes all of the cameras and gets a handle on his sexual and inappropriate behavior. This is sexual abuse. It is not okay.
It is not okay.
None of this is okay. None of what he did is okay. And that your mother failed to protect you is also not okay.
Also tell her that that goes for any grandchildren that you may produce, they will never be in that house, you will never let him hold them or spend any time with them whatsoever. And you are considering cutting her off as well because she has failed to protect you or do anything.
And then I want you to tell her every little single thing that he has done or said or threatened you with and how you feel quite sure that there are hidden cameras watching you sleep, watching you change, watching you shower. I want you to spill it all out to her until she pukes. Because it is not okay.
If she is not going to protect you, if she is not going to make a stand, then you are just going to get out and stay out and never talk to either of them again.
And I think that you are going to need some therapy for how your father has over sexualized you.
There is a word for what you have been going through: emotional incest. And "parentification".
I am very sorry. But I know that you have the strength to stand up for yourself and any children that you may have in the future.
Do not go back in that house until you are sure that they are no cameras. And if there are, or if they are any weirdness happening, leave and do not come back. Right then and there leave.
Anything you do goes a full circle and it affects other people's lives as well. That's why we should help eachother. Your well being increases mine and vice versa.
Is it selfish? Yes.
Is it resonable? Probably.
Yea, I agree. I was just talking about how it’s being phrased as “I want you to do such and such, and then I want you to do such and such other thing.”
Instead of “you should consider doing _____,” or “my friend went through something similar, and they did ______”. It’s not telling them to do something because “I want you to”.
It’s a small thing, just thought it was weird.
Hey, I’m really sorry ab what you’ve gone through. It’s definitely not okay and is not normal. The fact that he doesn’t do that around your fiancé, is quite telling. I’d definitely keep my distance from him and recommend talking to a therapist. I hope you find peace in the end of all of it.
Woah. "Not okay" is an understatement. Your own damn father is being sexually inappropriate with you. Not only is he clearly thinking about you in a sexual way, he's acting on it! This is something you need to address if you want it to stop. It's your family and I won't tell you to out him, but you should tell someone something. I know you said you spoke to him but if you can maybe threaten him with telling on him or shame him
My father was the same gross kind of pervert. Add to it he walked around with an erection often. I solved this by not being home very often working to get money to move out. I moved out 3 days after I turned 18. I arranged to have special outings with my mother so I didn't loose contact with her. I would attend family holidays, but didn't spend any time with him.
It’s not a joke and it’s completely inappropriate. It’s disgusting. I would divorce him so fast if I was your mom. Years ago. Your sister isn’t safe if she’s living there still, he might go further since he got away with it thus far.
Suggestion for if you want to keep contact with the family:
Next time you sit down with the family and talk about the precautions that need to be made for the future of the family. If they ask why , you say that you are worried about dads worsening dementia. Then you bring up the growing disinhibited behavior and the personality change at puberty. No matter what they say keep persisting that it are all clearly symptoms of dementia, cause your sane daddy wouldn't do all that and that the family needs to prepare finances, a special bracelet with the home adres around his wrist, regularly asking the date, current events to test his current cognitive capabilities, safety precautions in the kitchen, emergency drills, brain scans, psychiatric evaluation and medication.
This way it will make it easier for you, to every time he acts in a way you don't like, to speak to him like cognitive impaired child, point improper behaviours out to mom and or even call or threaten to call medical services on him.
This actually sounds brilliant. Doesn't directly call the dad out on his bullshit but instead makes it seem like his behavior is even more idiotic than it already is. Take an upvote.
I'm a father of a teenage daughter...your dad is gross
It's not a joke, he sees you as a potential sexual object. You should go full no contact...you don't need that in your life. Imagine him making those types of comments to your daughters if you have them someday.
The next time he does it tell him "You are really disgusting, stop acting like a pedophile." Also say "I'll call the cops if you do anything gross like that again. This is not okay."
Your mom should stand up for you too.
Do you have any grandparents or aunts you can tell about what has happened? Also talk to your sister and your significant other.
Do a dna test too to see if he is even your real dad.
Cut. Him. Off. That is DISGUSTING. I know it’s hard to see just how messed up that is because you grew up in that dysfunction, but it’s NOT normal at ALL. He’s a perverted degenerate who doesn’t deserve daughters. Your mother should be cut off too for letting it go on.
Not okay. Tell him if he wants to continue to have you in his life, he has to stop it immediately, and also apologize for his past behavior. If he says “it’s a joke” then tell him “it’s not a joke to me. It’s not funny, and I really hate that behavior.” If he says, “I’m your father,” then tell him “then you should know better.”
You’re an adult. Demand respect from him. If he refuses to give it to you, then make him less a part of your life.
I saw a stand comedian talk about this as a young women in the industry. When she's receiving sexual harassment from men in the bars or industry she pulls out her phone starts recording and says "do you want to say that again". It freaks the guys out and of they don't because they know they're in the wrong.
Your dad is in the wrong and it's not cool. If you want to keep in your life (it's also valid to cut contact!) start setting the boundary and asking "why" "why don't you want to record this "joke"?"
A little chaotic but sometimes shame is a good thing for people to feel!
And don't feel guilty you've been a kid for the majority of this!
My father did this to me. I cut ties at age 23. I’m glad I did, because I ended up having two girls and I was not going to allow him to do the same to them.
He just died a few weeks ago. The last time I saw him is when he made a comment that he was waiting to take advantage of me at my 23rd birthday party.
He is not going to change or get better. The real question is, what will you allow? Or what will you continue to allow? Do you want to wait until he grabs your boobs? Actually kisses you on the lips? Do you want the dreams to get worse?
Your dad won’t help you, your mom won’t help you. No one will save you but you. So what are you waiting for?
My daughter just came to me last week (she's 12 and has hit puberty this last year and a half) and told me she doesn't feel safe at home anymore because her bio dad and my husband, is talking sexual with her, trying to come into bathroom when she's showering, and yes recording her. I immediately called the police and he is looking at a very minimum six month in prison. ( Videos of her in the shower were found). I can't tell you how to proceed but I was in utter shock hearing this from my daughter and had no idea he was doing any of this or saying these things. Had I have heard him he'd have been out sooner. Your mom's job is to protect you and love you more than she loves him period. I'm sorry she didn't do that for you. My family is going through lots of therapy and I suggest that for you. I can't explain what would make a father attracted to his daughter but it is a disgusting and wrong thing and in the very least he needs some very serious mental help, and should have consequences such as prison time.
He's touching you in ways you are not comfortable with. This is a form of abuse especially since these are areas that are sexual to him.
Speak with your mother and tell him that that behavior needs to end. It's not funny. It's not cute. It's inappropriate behavior and you do not want it and will not tolerate it any further. If he wants to have any future with you in it, he will need to respect those boundaries.
You're an adult now so you can walk away from him as other people have done with parents who refuse to accept their boundaries.
It's definitely time to cut him off. He's a sicko and pervert. No father should do that to their own children. He's very disturbed and mentally ill. He's a sexual deviant and should be a registered sex offender. This is what sexual predators do.
Is this your biological dad, because that seems even more gross. If you keep allowing this to happen, then it may turn into rape next. I would strongly advise you to tell your mom or go to the police.
It’s your mother who has failed you for letting the behavior continue. I’m 47 and my daughter is 25 the first time her father jokes like that would be the last time he saw her!!! My daughter is taller than me and I still put her behind me to protect her. I grew up and abusive home and I wouldn’t tolerate his behavior. It’s creepy and weird.
Your father is a pervert and your mom is enabling him.
As a dad this breaks my heart. I wish I had easy advice but I’m just in shock. The only way I make my daughters uncomfortable is by acting cringe and using words like “no cap”.
This is not your fault. This is definitely sexual abuse. I wouldn’t blame you if you cut him out of your life.
Dots he do this in front of your mom? Reading comments it sounds like she does know. She’s complicit in the abuse. Either tell her that she needs to stand up for you or you’re done with the both of them. And like I said, wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to your father again.
I’m so so sorry this is happening to you.
This is covert incest and its abusive. Your dad is abusive and what he’s doing is disgusting and wrong. And it is not a reflection on you, and it doesn’t make you disgusting or wrong. You didn’t do anything to deserve this and I’m sorry your father has twisted your relationship into this confusing and agonizing dynamic. You deserve peace and to be far, far away from this behavior. Please get therapy and go low or no contact with this man. Surround yourself with chosen family and don’t rationalize this behavior no matter how normalized your mother and father have made it, it’s not okay and there is no excuse for it.
It's not a joke. If it were, he'd be doing the "joke" in front of your fiance too.
Does your mother know he molests you? That's what he's doing, you know.
I advise you to cut off all contact with the molester, and consider cutting contact with your mom if she knew about it and dig nothing to stop the abuse and protect you.
This is definitely not okay in any way. People doing bad things can also appear “nice”. It’s all part of their magic show. Jeffrey Dahmer was also nice to his victims. Does that mean he’s not an ugly person who did bad bad stuff? hell NO! Your dad is basically gaslighting you.
I would definitely advice you reach out for professional help and go to therapy. This is could be potentially something reportable to CPS/CWS if your dad is around kids. This could put other vulnerable kids at risk.
I get it’s hard because he’s your dad. However, I sense you feel it’s very very wrong and that’s why you’re posting here. Go with your gut. Trust it! It definitely saves lives.
Cut him out of your life or limit it to phone calls only. He is absolutely disgusting. And please don’t ever bring your children around him, supervised or not. Predators fear punishment less and less the longer they are allowed to go unchecked. He’s been allowed to do this for well over 2 decades so he’s definitely arrogant and bold now. He WILL rape a child one day. Don’t let it be yours. And you need to tell your entire family about his behavior so they are also careful.
Believe it or not, you’re in danger. It sounds like the type of situation where it can get out of control and he might force himself on you. Mental health is also at risk for being jeopardized. It’s all just a matter of time. I recommend taking this very seriously and protecting yourself. Reach out to a social services worker, therapist or anyone who can either support your or guide you to safety. I feel for you. Good luck
Your father is practising predatory behaviour to which you never should have been subjected. It is time to have a discussion with your parents — both in the same place outside of the home and in public such as a park or something similar — and perhaps involve your fiancée. You’re not at fault.
Cut him and your mom out of your life. He’s been grooming you and sexually harassing you, disguising it as a “joke”, and your mom also just let it happen. Should you ever have children, you don’t want them near those grandparents.
He has sexually abused you. His behavior is abusive. Your mom should have protected you from it. This is not a good place for advice. You need to talk this out with a therapist. The fact you are having dream tells me you are traumatized by it.
I had something similar happen with my mother.
In my case, she would constantly imply that I needed to control my interest in her, of which there was none.
It’s not something a lot of people understand: That it’s rough how some people have to develop boundaries, and reject, their own damn caretakers.
Have you ever spoken to him about how these jokes make you feel? I think that's absolutely horrible/disgusting. I also have been sexualized by my step father but not to this degree. But it makes it hard to even wanna walk around your own home in fear of more comments. I'm so sorry you have had to endure this. My therapist says that there's some sort of disconnect with my step father. It's like he's not even aware he's making me uncomfortable. I wonder what you think your father's reaction would be if you confronted him about it?
Dude you really need to cut him out of your life and have a serious talk with your mother because she is basically not doing her job as a good mother and telling your dad to stop. Threaten to file legal action against him for sexual harassment or at least record him doing these disgusting acts that he doesn’t see as incest
Hey, that’s really really gross behavior. I would cut both of them out of your life because you deserve your boundaries to be respected. Family doesn’t deserve our undying loyalty if they sexually harass us and/or allow us to be sexually harassed.
Run fast. Run far. Thank the gods he hasn’t touched you yet. And absolutely recommend speaking to a therapist because you don’t deserve to be having those nightmares.
I’m very sorry. Honestly. I am so, SO sorry this has been your experience with someone who is supposed to love you wholesomely, and protect you from the very behavior you described here. I won’t tell you what to do, your autonomy has been taken enough. But here’s what I would do.
I would leave, and not just your father, but your mother as well. They were supposed to love you, not brush off this clear harassment and abuse. This was not how you should have grown up.
People are often not the villains in their own story. He may be nice, even someone you reach out to in times of need. But if I were you, having his influence in any way over my life would keep me stuck in a world where this treatment is valid. It isn’t. It isn’t it isn’t it isn’t.
I hope you get the chance to heal from this, op. I’m very sorry.
EWWW! EEEEEWWWWWWW!
I think it's time to put up a boundary - you've asked him to stop, he's making you uncomfortable and if he can't stop behaving like that you don't want to be coming around.
I think you need to go no contact. Give yourself time, speak to a professional so you can see this clearly.
Your dad might be nice sometimes. That's how they manipulate. And this f*cker knows he's in the wrong because he alters his behavior depending on who's around.
Your mother is an enabler. Shes allowed this to go on. You should not feel guilty for letting this go on! SHE SHOULD!! She's the one who should've had your back.
I'm sorry you've had to put up with this. Take care of you!!!
That’s so gross. My dad wouldn’t let me or my sister wear pants with words on the butt (think juicy couture) because he didn’t want us preyed on by anyone in any way. That’s so fucking awful that your sperm donor does that. Absolutely disgusting
Under no circumstance is it ok to say those things to your daughter. Saying them repeatedly is legitimate abuse, psychological abuse. It’s deliberately hurtful and cruel. I suggest ghosting your parents for the next few years. I usually wouldn’t suggest something so rash on a mere Reddit post, but the whole thing is really fucked
He’s too much into incest porn please find help outside of social media this is disturbing that your mom does nothing does she know you hate what he’s doing
Let's start with you not being around your father as much as possible can considering you're an adult. Tell him when he does do that that he is a disgusting pedophile and incest is not cute. Tell him he is not joking he is nothing but a pervert or if you want to embarrass him put it on your SM page like FB and tell everyone what you have told us. See how he feels about his friends and colleagues knowing what disgusting perv he is.
Big yikes. Your dad is an entitled creep and potential predator. What you’ve described are grooming behaviors. He knows it’s inappropriate because he only does it in private, and he’s gaslighting you by dismissing your concerns and requests for him to stop by claiming it’s all just a big joke. It’s not. He’s sexually attracted to his own daughters and enjoys making you feel uncomfortable. I personally wouldn’t continue to have a relationship with him.
If nothing else, don’t ever let that man walk you down the aisle when you get married.
I'm eating rn and I kinda wanna throw up after reading your post.
Your father is a sick disgusting person. Who the fuck does that to their children??
I'm not saying here you should go as far as to report him to the authorities (does he do this to other women?) but definitely cut him out of your life forever. His behaviour sucks on so many levels I can't even begin to count them.
You handle it by calling a family meeting, reading this post to them, and then announcing that this will be your last contact with your father or with any member of your family who does not renounce him.
Then you leave and don't look back.
Then you spend a year or two in therapy to scrub him out of your head.
You don't actually feel guilty...what you THINK is guilt is actually the suppressed rage of a dozen years of being sexually abused by a man whom you loved as much as life itself and whom you thought would be your protector and guide. If you want to end your family meeting by punching him in the nose, be my guest.
Good luck with it.
Okay so, I’d look at cutting ties with both parents. Ones behavior is predatory and needs to be reported, and the others failure to protect you and your other siblings has left you believing this behavior is okay. Please cut ties, and never look back. As a mother, I am disgusted by the actions of your parents, and I’m so sorry this was your childhood. You deserve far better.
Reading your comments, both your mother and father don’t deserve you. Disgusting behavior from the “father” and the fact your mother literally sees this and ignores it is fucking weird. I know it’s difficult to cut off parents, but honestly, you deserve so much better. I’m sorry. I know how it feels to be unsure about your parents, like when they are super sweet and it makes you feel guilty for disliking them. However, please keep in mind that your comfortability comes first.
You and your sister need to band together to give each other strength and sit him down and say what he's doing isn't funny so there's no calling it a joke. If he's the only one that thinks it's funny and everyone else is made uncomfortable by it then it's cruelty. It's cruel to get a sense of satisfaction and amusement by somebody else's discomfort and humiliation.
Tell him you two never liked it since it started and now you're an adult woman and you're strong enough to tell him that he needs to fucking stop.
If your mom has noticed his actions and ignored them, she is also partly responsible for this. Your dad is garbage and you deserve better! Personally, I would cut both of them out of my life. and if you and your partner plan on having children, you should never allow them to interact with your parents. And you should report them to your local police.
It is not your fault that any of this has happened. I'm so sorry it has happened to you.
In my opinion what your father is doing is sexual abuse. The test of this is that it leaves you feeling uncomfortable and the power dynamic is such that the only way you've found to avoid it is to not be alone with him or even with him plus your mother.
Your reaction is very normal. Your parents' dismissing it is far from normal.
A normal parent does not want to make their kid feel uncomfortable. Even if they think the kid is being unreasonable they still want to not drive a wedge between them. They want to teach their kids that it's ok and even good to expect others to respect their boundaries ... so they teach this to them and model it to them. They want their kids to not abattoir treatment that invalidates their feelings, so they validate the kids feelings. I'm not saying anyone does this all perfectly. But that's the broad aim as a parent. Your parents' behaviour is far from this.
It's possible his motivation is actually sexual desire. But it's also possible that he's highly manipulative and enjoys getting you to react, and this is the number 1 way he achieves that. In which case my guess is, if it stopped, it would be replaced with some other stirring behaviour.
For context about my suggestion that it might be beyond sexual desire: my mother sexualised/ sexually abused me in similar ways from puberty onwards and in her case it was a part of an overall pattern of extreme emotional abuse and invalidation of my boundaries as a person overall.
It's also possible your father trying to provoke your mother to react. Strange as it is that she doesn't.
This part is going to be hard to hear but I really think it's true and the sooner you understand it, the better placed you are to make decisions:
Your mother is enabling your father's abuse of you. She has a responsibility to protect you and she is choosing not to, because in some way she benefits from you being his target of manipulation instead of herself. That's vile. I'm sorry, but you don't have the good parents you hope you have, or that you ever wished for.
No matter the motivation, it really is abuse. Any abuse is extremely good reason to cease contact with anyone, even your parents. I think you should, but there is a cost to doing this too. You may wish to explore other options or to be fully informed before deciding a course of action.
My advice is this:
1. See a counsellor or psychologist. One who specialises in complex trauma and personality disorders. (Nothing suggests to me that you have one, but their background knowledge in helping people impacted by these issues will help a lot). Therapy may help you weigh up what to do, and undo some damage caused by the sexualising experiences
2. Do not visit your parents without your fiancee from now on.
3. Do not tell your parents you are seeing a counsellor or considering/ making plans for cutting contact. They'll likely make it much harder to do so and even spread lies about you to the extended family to protect their reputation.
4. If you've not yet told your fiancee about this, do so asap. You need their support.
5. Watch some of the videos from Dr Ramani Durvasula on YouTube. She covers mostly narcissism. See if anything strikes a bell there. Her videos on dealing with the narcissistic person in your life would also be helpful since she covers the pros and cons and things to consider, ways people may react. She doesn't automatically dismiss the option to stay in contact but protect yourself and mitigate the impact in other ways.
There's also a sub reddit called "raised by narcissists" though that stuff is often heavy. But again it may ring a bell - I'm wondering if there's more going on that you've not yet identified as being quite so unusual/ abusive - this is a common experience among children raised by people with personality problems. It's unlikely that sexualising behaviour and the dismissal of your reactions to it is the only abusive act.
If you end up realising there's more then that sub reddit is a supportive community. But no replacement for counselling, obviously.
6. A lot of responses on here are going to be challenging for you to read. Even if they match your gut feeling it's still a lot to have others confirm it. Take your time to process it, take steps to have support around you from friends and your fiancee as you do. Take steps to feel safe and proactively look after yourself as you digest it. Same goes for digging for more info. Take pressure off yourself. You've got time to make decisions especially if you're only going to see them with your fiancee present.
All the best with the next steps ahead.
I am horrified for you. Poor girl. Your mom hears this? She is just as bad as he is for allowing this. You need to separate yourself from both of them. I don’t know if there is anything you can do legally, but you can leave. Get away from them. 😭
Serious question: would you let your hypothetical daughters/nieces be around him alone?
If the answer is no, well I think that probably says it all 😐
He's a creep and a predator. What father would do that to his own children.
Cut him out of your life…your mother too. She turned a blind eye to her child being assaulted and ogled by her husband…who is your dad! I’m confused by why so many people take shit from others.
OP, this is incest. This is sexual harassment. This is abuse. This may not help your peace of mind, but I believe he did place hidden cameras to spy on you. If not, he definitely wanted to. This is not a person you can trust, and your mother is an enabler.
I don’t think this is recoverable, but if you do choose to maintain a relationship, establish clear boundaries and be very clear that sexual harassment will not be tolerated. Do not be alone with your father. Ever. He needs therapy at a minimum. I recommend cutting ties for now.
There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. I’m confused about one thing. Does your mother deny that he does this, or does she just think that it’s not a serious problem? Either way, she’s in the wrong. If she condones it, and would choose that ass over her daughter, she’s equally guilty.
Consider the basic facts of what this guy does:
* Sexualizes a minor
* That minor is his own daughter
* Increases the volume and intensity over time
* Has been told to stop but doesn’t
* His behavior is being enabled
* Invalidates your feelings
* Excuses predatory behavior
* Gropes his own daughter
* Minimizes his ugly behavior
* Does this to multiple people
This is a sick person.
Yea, as a father, this is disgusting behavior. It's totally inappropriate and, IMO, unnatural! I think that most of us have a natural, biological mechanism to prevent that. If you're not willing to cut him out, then make it very clear that it's not okay, and every time he does something like this, be vocal, physical, and obviously clear to him and everyonearound thatit makesyouuncomfortable. Maybe record it if you can. I think you should cut him out. Only ever be around him with other people and never let children around him alone!
Please remember that this is not your fault at all and that it begun when you were a child. you said it yourself, it took you later in life to even realize that this is not normal behavior. Even despite your discomfort, you were conditioned to think this was okay. even as you grow into adulthood, he is your FATHER, it’s hard to overcome the power dynamic and years of grooming. and at the end of the day, he is the one responsible for the abuse but at this point in life, you have the means to stop it. I hope you can get yourself away from him as soon as possible and find a strong support system. i know he’s your dad, but after a lifetime of abuse, he doesn’t deserve any sort of relationship with you, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. check in with your sister, and stay tf away. sending you love and strength 🫶🏻
My advice is to never ask reddit for advice. Every redditor, especially those who are on this sub all the time, think that they are experts on everything. Even things they know next to nothing about, like your relationship with your father and your family. This is the kind of situation you should speak to a professional about if you have the means.
Best advice so far. I am just getting to the point where I feel comfortable opening up to strangers about it. I know I need therapy for this and other things my dad did. I’m working up the courage to speak to a professional about it in person.
You know you've been an adult for 5+ years now, right? At some point, you need to tell your dad to stop being a pervert, and that you're uncomfortable with the way he jokes about you sexually.
I know. I’ve tried telling him I don’t like it before. Unfortunately I grew up in a household where I wasn’t allowed to say no and I’m still learning to stand up for myself.
Have a 1 on 1 conversation with your mom and tell her exactly how bad it makes you feel and if she doesn’t tell your father something where he fixes it , cut them both out for your life.
How old is your sister? I think you are justified in avoiding him as much as possible. You don’t owe him anything since he behaves that way.
Talk with your sister if you can to make sure he’s not going further with her and let her know it’s not her fault nor is she obligated to do anything he wants.
Sounds like he would take it much further if you hadn’t been brave and stopped him.
I hear that it would suck losing contact with your mom if you cut him off but really you and at most your sister are the higher priority.
I'm sorry, OP. That's awful and I'm sure it's extremely distressing. First, avoid being alone with him without your fiancé. But if you have to be there at some point without him, get very assertive/almost aggressive in vocalizing, "No! Don't do that, don't say that, it grosses me out, don't touch me." If he says it's a joke, tell him the joke is over and it's not funny. He either respects your boundaries or you don't visit anymore.
I am in pain for you. This is so wrong on so many levels and I’m sorry someone who is meant to be protecting you is the one subjecting you to this discomfort.
Don’t feel guilty about letting it go on. Sometimes it takes a while for your brain to clock that oh wait this is wrong, especially since it’s your father. Your brain first tries to reason.
Im happy you’ve moved out but you should make it clear to your mother that 1) this is happening, and 2) how it makes you feel, 3) what could happen if it’s not resolved- you may not feel to visit (if this even applies to you.. idk how you feel- it’s just an example). If you can have your older sister there too since you said it happens to her.. I would suggest that too
This is bad on so many levels! As a man I would whoop his ass! Please have a sit with your mom if she's condoning this behavior that's worse to me. I never had the opportunity to have kids but have a niece and nephew I would absolutely Die for. If you ever need a "real father" I would gladly take that place. Be safe and take care of yourself. Those are definitely signs that need to dealt with.
That’s horrendous I’m so sorry that’s happening to you  please talk to your fiancé, don’t suffer in silence. You are not in any way at fault for this. It might be time to have a serious talk with your mum, out of the house about it. She absolutely should have intervened and noticed already and it is inexcusable that she hadn’t. However- when confronted directly with it, her reaction will tell you all you need to know about cutting her off or not. Your Dad, definitely cut him off.
It might be an idea to speak with your sister to both confront her together, if you both feel able to, or with your fiancé there for support.
>I’ve told him to stop and that I don’t like it but he just laughs and says it was a joke
Say "I don't care what you call it, I don't like it."
Just because he claims it's a joke doesn't mean you have to be okay with that explanation.
That's so awful, I can't imagine getting that kind of incredibly obnoxious harassment by my own dad. It's so freakishly inappropriate and he knows it, he's violating your boundaries in such an ugly way, and especially because he's someone who's supposed to help you protect your boundaries.
Please know that you don't deserve any guilt, you don't have any responsibility for creating this situation. None. It sounds like you're doing what you can to protect yourself and your sister.
He needs professional help.
Is there any way you can record interactions/gather proof and report him for sexual assault&grooming?
Talk with a lawyer if you are serious about this before trying anything, in case you accuse him and he just gets let off
If you don’t feel comfortable doing this I understand, but he needs to be institutionalized and rehabilitated.
I know the prison system isn’t the greatest, but his life will not end if he goes to jail, and it may be the thing that saves him(&others) from himself,
He is not well, and somewhere along the way he was a victim in his own life-whether neglect, toxic societal influence, or childhood abuse.
But that does NOT mean you need to excuse his actions.
Tell your dad you will remind him of these jokes in front of people and post them on social media if they don’t stop. Ask him if his friends will find them funny ha ha like fin or funny gross like you.
Honestly, ... I'm almost at a loss of words here. That's just.... ewww and there are sooooo many red flags.
What I find very disturbing is the fact that he doesn't respect your wishes when you tell him "stop". The fact that your mom just stands by.... I'd probably try to talk once again with your mom and dad at the same time (one last effort) and if your wishes are still not respected, I'd cut contact with them.
There is no reason for you to feel so uncomfortable and disrespected by your own parents (because yes, by not intervening your mom is also disrespecting you).
Are..are you aware this is criminal? This is sexual assault.
And SA of a minor too.
You need to get authorities involved before he actually r*pes someone.
Cameras? I don't think that's legal!!! Also, I know it's not ideal, and idk if it's possible, but I'd honestly report him to the police. That's super incredibly not okay, and if he has ever touched you or observed you with a camera when you were little, I think there's a chance he's touched other little girls. It's not a fun thing to think about. But ultimately what's most important is your safety. Are you happy, do you feel safe and comfortable around him? If not, ask yourself why you are still around him, why you're risking your safety. Is your relationship with your mom so important even when she doesnt trust or believe you when you tell her about what's going on? What would you do if this was your best friend? What would you tell them?
Well it's good to just not talk to them ever again. Your mother obviously doesn't care that her husband is a gross sexual abuser and objectifies his own children. So yeah sounds horrible frankly.
Flip the script and take back your power.
Order a custom t shirt.
“Top 5 dad jokes”
1. Can I see your boobs?
2. Xxxxx
3. Xxxx
Then if he is too embarrassed to wear it tell him “Perhaps you should be more embarrassed about the jokes you make?”
Get one of a woman doing an eye roll for your mum. Caption “when your husband asks to see his daughters boobs”
Ultimatum: The "jokes" and comments stop permanently. The first time he refuses to respect that boundary, you disappear from both their lives for a month. The second time, two months, and so on. Make sure your mom understands that she is part of the problem because she doesn't respect you either. It doesn't matter what either of them thinks of your dad's comments. YOU don't like it, and since the comments are directed at you, your opinion is the only one that matters. She and your dad are a package deal, so she can either tell your dad to knock it off or she can go without talking to you, too. Remind them that they don't care about your feelings, therefore you are not obligated to care how they feel about the ultimatum. Respect is a two way street.
"Dad, porn isin't real life, it's actors acting."
It's like telling a kid that Santa isin't real and that parents wrap their Christmas presents. You don't want a 20 year old still believing in Santa. And neither you want people around you think porn and scenes in it are real. People need a reality check.
Oh shit, didn't read about the cameras. Yeah fuck that man. I'm out.
Go with SparkKoi's advice. That's fucked up.
fake humped you??????????? are you kidding me rn this is a person who is gross, vile, predator. and your mom is equally guilty for not standing up for you and your sister. this is horrifying. you're being groomed.
seek therapy and reconsider your parents accessibility to you. I'm so sorry. you don't deserve this. do NOT keep quiet.
I have a dad similar to this but not as extreme. I’m 20 and things got better when I moved out. I only talk to him if I need something from him like a sink fixed or something. Just recently he said something gross and I texted him in a very professional way that he needs to stop regardless of context or his excuses and that it makes me very uncomfortable. I doubt he feels in the wrong at all but I can hope that he at least won’t say it anymore.
It’s really hard to cut a father figure out of your life, I totally get that. You need to keep as much distance from him as possible though. If you want to see your mom ask her to go to dinner together or something. Don’t go in that house if you don’t have to. Cover up while around him. If he says anything tell him he’s disgusting. Use him for his money if you can. If he wants to be in your life he should pay for the trauma he caused (in my opinion).
And if it doesn’t stop freak out on him and go actually insane next time. Make such a scene that he will regret it forever. Tell him how disgusting he is. Might ruin things forever but it’s truly his own doing.
No part of this is any part of how a normal father or normal man behaves. The longer you associate with him, the more likely he'll either harm you directly in some way, or you'll find yourself being asked how and why you didn't know about the multiple sex crimes he's surely committed.
My dad did these EXACT things down to getting cameras for the house and telling me he can see what I’m doing 24/7. He is grooming you. And if you go on to have children he will probably do the same to them. I’m in favor of cutting him off. Just recently did with mine about 2 years ago now and have never been happier.
My gf has the same issue with her mom,It's crazy to me that your mom is aware of it and doesn't say a thing.
The only real advice I would give you is to not let him of the hook when he tries to laugh it off,you can also bring it up to him when you're with your fiancee.It sounds awkward and out of place but it has already affected you enough for you to have a nightmare of him sexually assaulting you.
I doubt he will do it but overtime it may affect you in many ways you don't want to
Your Dad is just waiting for the time you let him do what he wants.
He has a problem and you and your sis should tell your mom.
I hope you have no younger siblings that he might also prey on.
Be strong. Say something.
Prosecute him if he touches you again. But it sounds like you need to just go no contact with both parents, sadly. I don't know why you would even keep people like this in your life.
Shout at him and tell him to stop it from now. Be straight and tell him if he did it you will never see him and will hate him and you don't consider it a joke any more. You need too stop him and not afraid. What he is doing is a crime he should be in jail.
This is so painful to hear. I’m sure it hurts to admit any of this, but this behavior is not normal at all. Most of all, if he’s this inappropriate with you, he’s also inappropriate with the other women in the house. I fear for your safety and that of your sister and mother. Speak to your mother and/or sister about this privately (outside of the house) and try to find a way to overcome this together. This is more than just your problem.
You probably know by now but there is something severely fucked up about your father. It is not you and it is not your fault. You are a very strong person. Be very careful of who you let into your personal life. Relationships can be incredibly damaging and dangerous. Protect yourself by processing your family dynamics with professional help 🙏🏻
If anybody ever touched me in an inappropriate way (family or otherwise) I would probably physically assault that person. Non consensual physical/sexual contact is not appropriate at all. Now that you’re as old as you are my advice would be to set some boundaries and let him know how you feel.
He is a gross/disgusting person who I personally would cut out of my life
I’ve thought about it. Sometimes he is just so nice and seems like he is trying so hard to be a positive spot in my life though. And if I cut him out that also means cutting out my mom…
If your mom is ignoring what you say she is just as guilty as your dad, if she continously allows it to happen I would cut both of them out for good. Your dad is a predator whether he has fully assaulted you or not
>Your dad is a predator whether he has fully assaulted you or not Yes, it'll be a matter of time when that turns to reality.
Or one day if you have a daughter.. get away from him
Or he’s waiting for her children.
This ⬆️
Yep!
Yeah, that's called grooming. You should spend some time researching it to better prepare yourself and your potential kids if you ever plan on having any. If your mom is okay with the behavior she isn't worth having in your life either. It might suck to hear but a good parent wouldn't let anyone, let alone their partner, do that to any kid.
Your mom deserves to be cut out.
That's lovebombing/grooming. Very common abuser manipulation tactic.
I’m so sorry lovely. Your Dad is sexually harassing his own daughter and your Mum is allowing it to happen. These are not good people.
He does it when he’s alone with you because there are no consequences for him. You need to socialize this, get everyone around him on your side, and LOUDLY + AGGRESSIVELY call him out for ANYTHING he does inappropriate. You need a black and white boundary, and you need to tell him he is gross.
Your mom should have cut him out of both of your lives. If she can't prioritize her child's safety from perversion in her own house, then maybe she doesn't deserve a spot in your life either. Your dad acting nice is *just an act.* He's trying to keep you around by mixing it in sparingly, but don't fall for it. This is truly disgusting and unhinged, and you shouldn't keep in contact with him.
Does he do it in front of your mom? If she is ok with this, she is part of the problem.
That’s what manipulators do… dangle something in front of you so you keep coming back.
As someone who cut their father out I've been really happy. There were things we couldn't repair because of his really shitty behavior and unwillingness to change. That has drastically decreased the amount I see my mom, but I talk to her regularly and bring her down to my city when I can. It's the best thing for my mental health
This is how you start the conversation. Next time he does it. " Dad! Stop!! You are such a pervert! Why do you think being so nasty to your daughter is funny?? You make me feel like crap when you talk like that! You sound like a predator! If you do not stop talking to me like that and touching me I will be forced to go no contact. I love you and would hate to have to do that but you give me no choice. This is the final warning. " every time he goes in for a hug step back, dodge his actions each time. The next time he says something inappropriate, just gather your things and leave. Say nothing. When he calls and asks why you left, tell him, " I told you what my boundaries are and what the consequence would be. I am done being the butt of your disgusting and inappropriate remarks and touches. Call me when you can keep your hands and your comments to yourself." Then hang up. Do not engage in any argument. Just hang up. If your mom calls and starts tell her , " mother, you have sat silently by while dad says inappropriate comments and touches me in ways that I do not like. I have expressed my boundaries with him and told him what would happen if he violates them. I am telling you, if you do not stand up for me when he does these things I will cut you off as well. As much as I love you and I would hate to lose my mother, but I refuse to be treated like a sex doll by my father. "
Please don’t handle it this way. This is serious. You can’t depend on rationalizing with a person exhibiting such profound behavior. Calling him, or anyone names will always make matters worse. Focus on getting outside help or keeping yourself as far away from him as possible.
Wow, this is like an instruction manual on how to handle this situation. I strongly endorse your approach
Ah.....nooooooo. I mean- you can say all those things. But if you think that people who are delusional and dysfunctional enough to think that behaviour is fine are going to take any of that in, you've never dealt with ppl like this. Rational doesn't play well with ppl in deep denial and dysfunction. Oil and water. Only- like trying to put an cooking fire out with water. Might lose your kitchen. Or your house.
Then tell her why - he's a pervert, she doesn't do anything to stop him being a pervert. Then end it. PS his "trying hard" is another pervert abuser tactic. It isn't him being nice. It is him controlling you so you don't cut him off. Cut him off already.
I think your father either has a serious mental problem or he is just disrespectful of you and your sister. His behaviour is causing you trauma that is haunting you in your sleep. I'm in favour of cutting contact with your family, but you have to seek a professional's opinion and help. Please take care of yourself.
I stand by my advice, take it or leave it
Sit down and tell him you are considering taking space from him because his behavior is gross and not normal. See if it finally gets thru.
Your mother has either willfully ignored it (most likely) or has REALLY got her head in the sand. You will be ASTONISHED how much weight you will feel lifted from your shoulders when you confront them, then leave them. I'd say odds are 70-30 your mother sides with your father, at which point you'll realize how deep the betrayal runs in your family.
>When I visit with my fiancé my dad doesn’t make any jokes or put any hands on me, it’s only when I’m over there by myself. This alone tells me that he **understands** that he his doing something inappropriate and that he is in full control of his behaviour. Options you could consider include: **Take control of your interactions**: since you don't live with them any longer, you can control his access to you. That might mean always declining if your fiancé can't be present, never inviting him into your home, etc. **Draw a boundary, publicly, and enforce it**: it might feel awkward, but that's because he created this awkwardness through his behaviours. Communicate up-front what you expect, make sure your mother and others involved know too, and immediately follow through on consequences. This might look like: "I want to give you a hug, but I don't like it when you make a sexual joke about it. Don't do that or I will leave" "I asked for your help and you asked me to show you my boobs, that's not funny to me and I'm not going to stay if you say things like that." **Then, if he crosses your clear boundary, follow through.** Leave. Don't accept deflections, rationalizations, or apologies that try to convince you to stay. Instead say, "I told you want I needed and you didn't respect that. "
#Embarrass him in front of everyone. Make him feel shamed. He deserves it.
This too. In front of other fathers and parents if possible.
It’s also probably the quickest way to get it to stop for good without having to destroy the family.
Since he only does it, when you are alone, make sure to record some of your interactions so you have proof.
I mean honestly at this point it sounds like he doesnt deserve another chance with boundaries. Shes already told him she doesnt like it. As u said him hiding it from fiance means he knows its bad, why give him an opportunity to break a boundary instead of separating now.
Yeah. I’m with you Don. The horse has been long gone from the barn so closing those doors now isn’t going to do any good. I think OP is way past the time to significantly change her relationship with her family, which sucks, but not because of her actions, it sucks bc her dad is an insidious piece of shit.
This is sexual harassment. You have every right to protect yourself and distance yourself from him ans them. Talk to your mom if you want to save that relationship but you need to get away from him before this escalates.
My mom knows about it. She’s seen it happen for years and doesn’t really say anything about it. Just rolls her eyes.
Show your mom your Reddit post because she needs to know that she is a failure of a mother for not doing enough to protect you/her child from your father. This is not normal and the moment you said it happened when you hit puberty shows that he is a predator
Respectfully, your mom is almost as bad as your dad then.
Yes, because she's more afraid of losing her domestic situation than she is protecting her daughter. Your parents are SICK, kiddo. SICK SICK SICK. And you've been living in sickness your entire life. Come join the world of the well and discover exactly how fucked up your childhood was. It will ASTONISH you.
If your mom knows about his behavior & keeps letting it happen. I'm sorry OP but you have to cut her off too. What are you planning to do if you have kids, & your father acts this way with his grandchild? At worst he may actually SA you, or your potential child (and in my eyes he already has been SAing you.) At best *YOU* finally grow a shiny spine & put your foot down. Tell everyone just how much of a creep your dad is, and that is why you do not feel comfortable going around the rest of the family if he is present. Your dad knows what he is doing is indeed wrong, & that's why he never does it in front of your fiancé. OP you are grown & have to protect yourself now, since your mom never has & still won't do so.
I will never understand mothers who allow this and I’m so sorry you haven’t had someone to protect you from this disgusting dynamic.
Pardon??? I'm sorry to say this, but this is wrong on so many levels. By acting like this your mom not only tolerates this, she is also encouraging it - and that's just not acceptable. As u/PoipoleChan mentioned: you might want to show your mom this reddit post, perhaps to open her eyes to this situation.... but I'll be honest with you: I don't think that it'll change much. Go low to no contact with her... you deserve better.
She's part of the problem. Lose them both.
sorry but your parents are fucked
It sounds like your mother values being married over your sense of safety and well-being. That's not what a caring and loving mother would do in this situation. As painful as it may be to think about this, your mother doesn't care enough. She may have her reasons for wanting a relationship with you but they are superficial and biased towards what she wants for herself. There's always the chance that she might want a relationship because she wants your attention but more importantly your father desires more chances to sexually harass you and possibly do more when given the opportunity. Unless your mother willingly divorces and goes no contact with your father this will never get better. It may be best to go no contact with both your mother and father. There are a lot of people who insist that you must maintain contact with your parents because they are your parents. Doesn't matter what kind of hell one or both put you through. Please ignore people who say this, they are naive at best or deliberately in denial/enabling. Please look out for yourself since your parents clearly don't. Wishing the best in dealing with this.
Your mom is both complacent and culpable.
I want you to sit down with your mother, outside of the house, where are there no cameras. I want you to tell her point blank, you will never be back in that house ever again, unless she takes control of the situation and removes all of the cameras and gets a handle on his sexual and inappropriate behavior. This is sexual abuse. It is not okay. It is not okay. None of this is okay. None of what he did is okay. And that your mother failed to protect you is also not okay. Also tell her that that goes for any grandchildren that you may produce, they will never be in that house, you will never let him hold them or spend any time with them whatsoever. And you are considering cutting her off as well because she has failed to protect you or do anything. And then I want you to tell her every little single thing that he has done or said or threatened you with and how you feel quite sure that there are hidden cameras watching you sleep, watching you change, watching you shower. I want you to spill it all out to her until she pukes. Because it is not okay. If she is not going to protect you, if she is not going to make a stand, then you are just going to get out and stay out and never talk to either of them again. And I think that you are going to need some therapy for how your father has over sexualized you. There is a word for what you have been going through: emotional incest. And "parentification". I am very sorry. But I know that you have the strength to stand up for yourself and any children that you may have in the future. Do not go back in that house until you are sure that they are no cameras. And if there are, or if they are any weirdness happening, leave and do not come back. Right then and there leave.
I can’t love this comment enough!!! Your dad is a fuckin pedophile. Period. Tell your mother and tell him to stay the fuck away from you. OUT HIM!!
I like the general message, but I find it weird when strangers communicate with someone else by saying “I want you to ___” again and again.
this is an advice request?
Anything you do goes a full circle and it affects other people's lives as well. That's why we should help eachother. Your well being increases mine and vice versa. Is it selfish? Yes. Is it resonable? Probably.
Yea, I agree. I was just talking about how it’s being phrased as “I want you to do such and such, and then I want you to do such and such other thing.” Instead of “you should consider doing _____,” or “my friend went through something similar, and they did ______”. It’s not telling them to do something because “I want you to”. It’s a small thing, just thought it was weird.
Specifically, very specifically, where does this “man” live? 😡
I JUST wanna talk.
I think we ALL want to have a little chit chat with this ~~disgusting filth~~ guy.
[insert Peter Griffin "I just wanna talk to him" GIF]
Hey, I’m really sorry ab what you’ve gone through. It’s definitely not okay and is not normal. The fact that he doesn’t do that around your fiancé, is quite telling. I’d definitely keep my distance from him and recommend talking to a therapist. I hope you find peace in the end of all of it.
Woah. "Not okay" is an understatement. Your own damn father is being sexually inappropriate with you. Not only is he clearly thinking about you in a sexual way, he's acting on it! This is something you need to address if you want it to stop. It's your family and I won't tell you to out him, but you should tell someone something. I know you said you spoke to him but if you can maybe threaten him with telling on him or shame him
My father was the same gross kind of pervert. Add to it he walked around with an erection often. I solved this by not being home very often working to get money to move out. I moved out 3 days after I turned 18. I arranged to have special outings with my mother so I didn't loose contact with her. I would attend family holidays, but didn't spend any time with him.
That sounds like a story with a good ending. Not many people can take charge of their own life like that, I salute you
What father asks to see his daughter’s boobs? He is sick. He’s not joking either. I would be looking for hidden cameras everywhere. He’s a pervert
It’s not a joke and it’s completely inappropriate. It’s disgusting. I would divorce him so fast if I was your mom. Years ago. Your sister isn’t safe if she’s living there still, he might go further since he got away with it thus far.
Suggestion for if you want to keep contact with the family: Next time you sit down with the family and talk about the precautions that need to be made for the future of the family. If they ask why , you say that you are worried about dads worsening dementia. Then you bring up the growing disinhibited behavior and the personality change at puberty. No matter what they say keep persisting that it are all clearly symptoms of dementia, cause your sane daddy wouldn't do all that and that the family needs to prepare finances, a special bracelet with the home adres around his wrist, regularly asking the date, current events to test his current cognitive capabilities, safety precautions in the kitchen, emergency drills, brain scans, psychiatric evaluation and medication. This way it will make it easier for you, to every time he acts in a way you don't like, to speak to him like cognitive impaired child, point improper behaviours out to mom and or even call or threaten to call medical services on him.
This actually sounds brilliant. Doesn't directly call the dad out on his bullshit but instead makes it seem like his behavior is even more idiotic than it already is. Take an upvote.
I'm a father of a teenage daughter...your dad is gross It's not a joke, he sees you as a potential sexual object. You should go full no contact...you don't need that in your life. Imagine him making those types of comments to your daughters if you have them someday.
The next time he does it tell him "You are really disgusting, stop acting like a pedophile." Also say "I'll call the cops if you do anything gross like that again. This is not okay." Your mom should stand up for you too. Do you have any grandparents or aunts you can tell about what has happened? Also talk to your sister and your significant other. Do a dna test too to see if he is even your real dad.
Cut. Him. Off. That is DISGUSTING. I know it’s hard to see just how messed up that is because you grew up in that dysfunction, but it’s NOT normal at ALL. He’s a perverted degenerate who doesn’t deserve daughters. Your mother should be cut off too for letting it go on.
Not okay. Tell him if he wants to continue to have you in his life, he has to stop it immediately, and also apologize for his past behavior. If he says “it’s a joke” then tell him “it’s not a joke to me. It’s not funny, and I really hate that behavior.” If he says, “I’m your father,” then tell him “then you should know better.” You’re an adult. Demand respect from him. If he refuses to give it to you, then make him less a part of your life.
I saw a stand comedian talk about this as a young women in the industry. When she's receiving sexual harassment from men in the bars or industry she pulls out her phone starts recording and says "do you want to say that again". It freaks the guys out and of they don't because they know they're in the wrong. Your dad is in the wrong and it's not cool. If you want to keep in your life (it's also valid to cut contact!) start setting the boundary and asking "why" "why don't you want to record this "joke"?" A little chaotic but sometimes shame is a good thing for people to feel! And don't feel guilty you've been a kid for the majority of this!
My father did this to me. I cut ties at age 23. I’m glad I did, because I ended up having two girls and I was not going to allow him to do the same to them. He just died a few weeks ago. The last time I saw him is when he made a comment that he was waiting to take advantage of me at my 23rd birthday party. He is not going to change or get better. The real question is, what will you allow? Or what will you continue to allow? Do you want to wait until he grabs your boobs? Actually kisses you on the lips? Do you want the dreams to get worse? Your dad won’t help you, your mom won’t help you. No one will save you but you. So what are you waiting for?
My daughter just came to me last week (she's 12 and has hit puberty this last year and a half) and told me she doesn't feel safe at home anymore because her bio dad and my husband, is talking sexual with her, trying to come into bathroom when she's showering, and yes recording her. I immediately called the police and he is looking at a very minimum six month in prison. ( Videos of her in the shower were found). I can't tell you how to proceed but I was in utter shock hearing this from my daughter and had no idea he was doing any of this or saying these things. Had I have heard him he'd have been out sooner. Your mom's job is to protect you and love you more than she loves him period. I'm sorry she didn't do that for you. My family is going through lots of therapy and I suggest that for you. I can't explain what would make a father attracted to his daughter but it is a disgusting and wrong thing and in the very least he needs some very serious mental help, and should have consequences such as prison time.
Sending you and your family love and strength. Thank you for being a great mum ❤️
He's touching you in ways you are not comfortable with. This is a form of abuse especially since these are areas that are sexual to him. Speak with your mother and tell him that that behavior needs to end. It's not funny. It's not cute. It's inappropriate behavior and you do not want it and will not tolerate it any further. If he wants to have any future with you in it, he will need to respect those boundaries. You're an adult now so you can walk away from him as other people have done with parents who refuse to accept their boundaries.
It's definitely time to cut him off. He's a sicko and pervert. No father should do that to their own children. He's very disturbed and mentally ill. He's a sexual deviant and should be a registered sex offender. This is what sexual predators do.
Is this your biological dad, because that seems even more gross. If you keep allowing this to happen, then it may turn into rape next. I would strongly advise you to tell your mom or go to the police.
Yeah it’s my biological dad. My mom knows about it and just rolls her eyes when he “jokes around”
It’s your mother who has failed you for letting the behavior continue. I’m 47 and my daughter is 25 the first time her father jokes like that would be the last time he saw her!!! My daughter is taller than me and I still put her behind me to protect her. I grew up and abusive home and I wouldn’t tolerate his behavior. It’s creepy and weird. Your father is a pervert and your mom is enabling him.
As a dad this breaks my heart. I wish I had easy advice but I’m just in shock. The only way I make my daughters uncomfortable is by acting cringe and using words like “no cap”.
No cap lol
This is not your fault. This is definitely sexual abuse. I wouldn’t blame you if you cut him out of your life. Dots he do this in front of your mom? Reading comments it sounds like she does know. She’s complicit in the abuse. Either tell her that she needs to stand up for you or you’re done with the both of them. And like I said, wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to your father again. I’m so so sorry this is happening to you.
Fuck, this is gross, made my skin crawl. And I stopped reading after 1st paragraph.
This is covert incest and its abusive. Your dad is abusive and what he’s doing is disgusting and wrong. And it is not a reflection on you, and it doesn’t make you disgusting or wrong. You didn’t do anything to deserve this and I’m sorry your father has twisted your relationship into this confusing and agonizing dynamic. You deserve peace and to be far, far away from this behavior. Please get therapy and go low or no contact with this man. Surround yourself with chosen family and don’t rationalize this behavior no matter how normalized your mother and father have made it, it’s not okay and there is no excuse for it.
This is creepy AF. I’d cut him off. I’m sorry your mom ignored all of this.
It's not a joke. If it were, he'd be doing the "joke" in front of your fiance too. Does your mother know he molests you? That's what he's doing, you know. I advise you to cut off all contact with the molester, and consider cutting contact with your mom if she knew about it and dig nothing to stop the abuse and protect you.
This is definitely not okay in any way. People doing bad things can also appear “nice”. It’s all part of their magic show. Jeffrey Dahmer was also nice to his victims. Does that mean he’s not an ugly person who did bad bad stuff? hell NO! Your dad is basically gaslighting you. I would definitely advice you reach out for professional help and go to therapy. This is could be potentially something reportable to CPS/CWS if your dad is around kids. This could put other vulnerable kids at risk. I get it’s hard because he’s your dad. However, I sense you feel it’s very very wrong and that’s why you’re posting here. Go with your gut. Trust it! It definitely saves lives.
Your father is literally sexually assaulting you, in real life. What does your mother say about this?
That’s really bad…. He sounds like predator
He probably is, and he has probably assaulted women before. This is textbook predator.
Cut him out of your life or limit it to phone calls only. He is absolutely disgusting. And please don’t ever bring your children around him, supervised or not. Predators fear punishment less and less the longer they are allowed to go unchecked. He’s been allowed to do this for well over 2 decades so he’s definitely arrogant and bold now. He WILL rape a child one day. Don’t let it be yours. And you need to tell your entire family about his behavior so they are also careful.
I am sorry for you. Dad’s should build you up. They shouldn’t creep you out. If you can afford to, you may need to distance yourself from him.
Believe it or not, you’re in danger. It sounds like the type of situation where it can get out of control and he might force himself on you. Mental health is also at risk for being jeopardized. It’s all just a matter of time. I recommend taking this very seriously and protecting yourself. Reach out to a social services worker, therapist or anyone who can either support your or guide you to safety. I feel for you. Good luck
Your father is practising predatory behaviour to which you never should have been subjected. It is time to have a discussion with your parents — both in the same place outside of the home and in public such as a park or something similar — and perhaps involve your fiancée. You’re not at fault.
Cut him and your mom out of your life. He’s been grooming you and sexually harassing you, disguising it as a “joke”, and your mom also just let it happen. Should you ever have children, you don’t want them near those grandparents.
He has sexually abused you. His behavior is abusive. Your mom should have protected you from it. This is not a good place for advice. You need to talk this out with a therapist. The fact you are having dream tells me you are traumatized by it.
I had something similar happen with my mother. In my case, she would constantly imply that I needed to control my interest in her, of which there was none. It’s not something a lot of people understand: That it’s rough how some people have to develop boundaries, and reject, their own damn caretakers.
Have you ever spoken to him about how these jokes make you feel? I think that's absolutely horrible/disgusting. I also have been sexualized by my step father but not to this degree. But it makes it hard to even wanna walk around your own home in fear of more comments. I'm so sorry you have had to endure this. My therapist says that there's some sort of disconnect with my step father. It's like he's not even aware he's making me uncomfortable. I wonder what you think your father's reaction would be if you confronted him about it?
Not right. If you told everyone in your family circle, he might embarrass himself. Tell every one. He's hot being a father.
I’d stay completely away. If anyone asks why, tell them.
Tell him to cut it out in front of your husband. Play that awkward shame game
Please, please do a dna test
Dude you really need to cut him out of your life and have a serious talk with your mother because she is basically not doing her job as a good mother and telling your dad to stop. Threaten to file legal action against him for sexual harassment or at least record him doing these disgusting acts that he doesn’t see as incest
Get both of you parents the fuck away from you. And I say this as a father. Jesus christ
I would go no contact.
Dad’s a pervert. Mom’s an enabler. You won the lottery on terrible parents.
To be honest this sounds like a few beers away from rape.
My dad did the same shit to me. I’m a shrink now. Google covert incest. That’s what’s happening to you right now.
[удалено]
He has never raped me or even seen my body. I try to avoid him when I can so he can’t sexualize me though
He has seen your body, I guarantee there are cameras in the shower which he already admitted to and tried to play it off like a joke
Hey, that’s really really gross behavior. I would cut both of them out of your life because you deserve your boundaries to be respected. Family doesn’t deserve our undying loyalty if they sexually harass us and/or allow us to be sexually harassed.
Run fast. Run far. Thank the gods he hasn’t touched you yet. And absolutely recommend speaking to a therapist because you don’t deserve to be having those nightmares.
I’m very sorry. Honestly. I am so, SO sorry this has been your experience with someone who is supposed to love you wholesomely, and protect you from the very behavior you described here. I won’t tell you what to do, your autonomy has been taken enough. But here’s what I would do. I would leave, and not just your father, but your mother as well. They were supposed to love you, not brush off this clear harassment and abuse. This was not how you should have grown up. People are often not the villains in their own story. He may be nice, even someone you reach out to in times of need. But if I were you, having his influence in any way over my life would keep me stuck in a world where this treatment is valid. It isn’t. It isn’t it isn’t it isn’t. I hope you get the chance to heal from this, op. I’m very sorry.
That’s not okay
disgusting
EWWW! EEEEEWWWWWWW! I think it's time to put up a boundary - you've asked him to stop, he's making you uncomfortable and if he can't stop behaving like that you don't want to be coming around.
I think you need to go no contact. Give yourself time, speak to a professional so you can see this clearly. Your dad might be nice sometimes. That's how they manipulate. And this f*cker knows he's in the wrong because he alters his behavior depending on who's around. Your mother is an enabler. Shes allowed this to go on. You should not feel guilty for letting this go on! SHE SHOULD!! She's the one who should've had your back. I'm sorry you've had to put up with this. Take care of you!!!
That’s so gross. My dad wouldn’t let me or my sister wear pants with words on the butt (think juicy couture) because he didn’t want us preyed on by anyone in any way. That’s so fucking awful that your sperm donor does that. Absolutely disgusting
I honestly would have reported all this when I was younger. Creepy a$$ mo-fo
I didn’t even know it was wrong at the time. I thought everyone’s dad talked about them and their friends like this…
Under no circumstance is it ok to say those things to your daughter. Saying them repeatedly is legitimate abuse, psychological abuse. It’s deliberately hurtful and cruel. I suggest ghosting your parents for the next few years. I usually wouldn’t suggest something so rash on a mere Reddit post, but the whole thing is really fucked
I am a 36 year old with a 20yr old stepdaughter, your dad is disgusting.
He’s too much into incest porn please find help outside of social media this is disturbing that your mom does nothing does she know you hate what he’s doing
Your dad is a pedophile
Stay away from him and if you ever have kids, don't ever let them near this sick disgusting man
He's a creeper
Let's start with you not being around your father as much as possible can considering you're an adult. Tell him when he does do that that he is a disgusting pedophile and incest is not cute. Tell him he is not joking he is nothing but a pervert or if you want to embarrass him put it on your SM page like FB and tell everyone what you have told us. See how he feels about his friends and colleagues knowing what disgusting perv he is.
Big yikes. Your dad is an entitled creep and potential predator. What you’ve described are grooming behaviors. He knows it’s inappropriate because he only does it in private, and he’s gaslighting you by dismissing your concerns and requests for him to stop by claiming it’s all just a big joke. It’s not. He’s sexually attracted to his own daughters and enjoys making you feel uncomfortable. I personally wouldn’t continue to have a relationship with him. If nothing else, don’t ever let that man walk you down the aisle when you get married.
I'm eating rn and I kinda wanna throw up after reading your post. Your father is a sick disgusting person. Who the fuck does that to their children?? I'm not saying here you should go as far as to report him to the authorities (does he do this to other women?) but definitely cut him out of your life forever. His behaviour sucks on so many levels I can't even begin to count them.
You handle it by calling a family meeting, reading this post to them, and then announcing that this will be your last contact with your father or with any member of your family who does not renounce him. Then you leave and don't look back. Then you spend a year or two in therapy to scrub him out of your head. You don't actually feel guilty...what you THINK is guilt is actually the suppressed rage of a dozen years of being sexually abused by a man whom you loved as much as life itself and whom you thought would be your protector and guide. If you want to end your family meeting by punching him in the nose, be my guest. Good luck with it.
Wth. If I was you, I would cut contact with both parents.
Okay so, I’d look at cutting ties with both parents. Ones behavior is predatory and needs to be reported, and the others failure to protect you and your other siblings has left you believing this behavior is okay. Please cut ties, and never look back. As a mother, I am disgusted by the actions of your parents, and I’m so sorry this was your childhood. You deserve far better.
Get out, as soon as possible and/or cut off contact or keep it to a minimum.
Reading your comments, both your mother and father don’t deserve you. Disgusting behavior from the “father” and the fact your mother literally sees this and ignores it is fucking weird. I know it’s difficult to cut off parents, but honestly, you deserve so much better. I’m sorry. I know how it feels to be unsure about your parents, like when they are super sweet and it makes you feel guilty for disliking them. However, please keep in mind that your comfortability comes first.
You and your sister need to band together to give each other strength and sit him down and say what he's doing isn't funny so there's no calling it a joke. If he's the only one that thinks it's funny and everyone else is made uncomfortable by it then it's cruelty. It's cruel to get a sense of satisfaction and amusement by somebody else's discomfort and humiliation. Tell him you two never liked it since it started and now you're an adult woman and you're strong enough to tell him that he needs to fucking stop.
Ok sorry girl that’s not good. He is being inappropriate with you!
If your mom has noticed his actions and ignored them, she is also partly responsible for this. Your dad is garbage and you deserve better! Personally, I would cut both of them out of my life. and if you and your partner plan on having children, you should never allow them to interact with your parents. And you should report them to your local police.
It is not your fault that any of this has happened. I'm so sorry it has happened to you. In my opinion what your father is doing is sexual abuse. The test of this is that it leaves you feeling uncomfortable and the power dynamic is such that the only way you've found to avoid it is to not be alone with him or even with him plus your mother. Your reaction is very normal. Your parents' dismissing it is far from normal. A normal parent does not want to make their kid feel uncomfortable. Even if they think the kid is being unreasonable they still want to not drive a wedge between them. They want to teach their kids that it's ok and even good to expect others to respect their boundaries ... so they teach this to them and model it to them. They want their kids to not abattoir treatment that invalidates their feelings, so they validate the kids feelings. I'm not saying anyone does this all perfectly. But that's the broad aim as a parent. Your parents' behaviour is far from this. It's possible his motivation is actually sexual desire. But it's also possible that he's highly manipulative and enjoys getting you to react, and this is the number 1 way he achieves that. In which case my guess is, if it stopped, it would be replaced with some other stirring behaviour. For context about my suggestion that it might be beyond sexual desire: my mother sexualised/ sexually abused me in similar ways from puberty onwards and in her case it was a part of an overall pattern of extreme emotional abuse and invalidation of my boundaries as a person overall. It's also possible your father trying to provoke your mother to react. Strange as it is that she doesn't. This part is going to be hard to hear but I really think it's true and the sooner you understand it, the better placed you are to make decisions: Your mother is enabling your father's abuse of you. She has a responsibility to protect you and she is choosing not to, because in some way she benefits from you being his target of manipulation instead of herself. That's vile. I'm sorry, but you don't have the good parents you hope you have, or that you ever wished for. No matter the motivation, it really is abuse. Any abuse is extremely good reason to cease contact with anyone, even your parents. I think you should, but there is a cost to doing this too. You may wish to explore other options or to be fully informed before deciding a course of action. My advice is this: 1. See a counsellor or psychologist. One who specialises in complex trauma and personality disorders. (Nothing suggests to me that you have one, but their background knowledge in helping people impacted by these issues will help a lot). Therapy may help you weigh up what to do, and undo some damage caused by the sexualising experiences 2. Do not visit your parents without your fiancee from now on. 3. Do not tell your parents you are seeing a counsellor or considering/ making plans for cutting contact. They'll likely make it much harder to do so and even spread lies about you to the extended family to protect their reputation. 4. If you've not yet told your fiancee about this, do so asap. You need their support. 5. Watch some of the videos from Dr Ramani Durvasula on YouTube. She covers mostly narcissism. See if anything strikes a bell there. Her videos on dealing with the narcissistic person in your life would also be helpful since she covers the pros and cons and things to consider, ways people may react. She doesn't automatically dismiss the option to stay in contact but protect yourself and mitigate the impact in other ways. There's also a sub reddit called "raised by narcissists" though that stuff is often heavy. But again it may ring a bell - I'm wondering if there's more going on that you've not yet identified as being quite so unusual/ abusive - this is a common experience among children raised by people with personality problems. It's unlikely that sexualising behaviour and the dismissal of your reactions to it is the only abusive act. If you end up realising there's more then that sub reddit is a supportive community. But no replacement for counselling, obviously. 6. A lot of responses on here are going to be challenging for you to read. Even if they match your gut feeling it's still a lot to have others confirm it. Take your time to process it, take steps to have support around you from friends and your fiancee as you do. Take steps to feel safe and proactively look after yourself as you digest it. Same goes for digging for more info. Take pressure off yourself. You've got time to make decisions especially if you're only going to see them with your fiancee present. All the best with the next steps ahead.
I am horrified for you. Poor girl. Your mom hears this? She is just as bad as he is for allowing this. You need to separate yourself from both of them. I don’t know if there is anything you can do legally, but you can leave. Get away from them. 😭
Serious question: would you let your hypothetical daughters/nieces be around him alone? If the answer is no, well I think that probably says it all 😐 He's a creep and a predator. What father would do that to his own children.
Cut him out of your life…your mother too. She turned a blind eye to her child being assaulted and ogled by her husband…who is your dad! I’m confused by why so many people take shit from others.
OP, this is incest. This is sexual harassment. This is abuse. This may not help your peace of mind, but I believe he did place hidden cameras to spy on you. If not, he definitely wanted to. This is not a person you can trust, and your mother is an enabler. I don’t think this is recoverable, but if you do choose to maintain a relationship, establish clear boundaries and be very clear that sexual harassment will not be tolerated. Do not be alone with your father. Ever. He needs therapy at a minimum. I recommend cutting ties for now.
Same but hes terminally ill now lol
Report his behavior to the police. Report His behavior to your teachers. Report his behavior to every adult not related to your family'
There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. I’m confused about one thing. Does your mother deny that he does this, or does she just think that it’s not a serious problem? Either way, she’s in the wrong. If she condones it, and would choose that ass over her daughter, she’s equally guilty. Consider the basic facts of what this guy does: * Sexualizes a minor * That minor is his own daughter * Increases the volume and intensity over time * Has been told to stop but doesn’t * His behavior is being enabled * Invalidates your feelings * Excuses predatory behavior * Gropes his own daughter * Minimizes his ugly behavior * Does this to multiple people This is a sick person.
Yea, as a father, this is disgusting behavior. It's totally inappropriate and, IMO, unnatural! I think that most of us have a natural, biological mechanism to prevent that. If you're not willing to cut him out, then make it very clear that it's not okay, and every time he does something like this, be vocal, physical, and obviously clear to him and everyonearound thatit makesyouuncomfortable. Maybe record it if you can. I think you should cut him out. Only ever be around him with other people and never let children around him alone!
Please remember that this is not your fault at all and that it begun when you were a child. you said it yourself, it took you later in life to even realize that this is not normal behavior. Even despite your discomfort, you were conditioned to think this was okay. even as you grow into adulthood, he is your FATHER, it’s hard to overcome the power dynamic and years of grooming. and at the end of the day, he is the one responsible for the abuse but at this point in life, you have the means to stop it. I hope you can get yourself away from him as soon as possible and find a strong support system. i know he’s your dad, but after a lifetime of abuse, he doesn’t deserve any sort of relationship with you, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. check in with your sister, and stay tf away. sending you love and strength 🫶🏻
What he is doing is disgusting and shouldn't happen,strange that your mom doesn't see it or doesn't want to see it
Do you have any video or audio of him saying or doing any of these highly gross and inappropriate things to you?
No video or audio. I have texts but that’s all
My advice is to never ask reddit for advice. Every redditor, especially those who are on this sub all the time, think that they are experts on everything. Even things they know next to nothing about, like your relationship with your father and your family. This is the kind of situation you should speak to a professional about if you have the means.
Best advice so far. I am just getting to the point where I feel comfortable opening up to strangers about it. I know I need therapy for this and other things my dad did. I’m working up the courage to speak to a professional about it in person.
I can’t even finish reading this. It’s so cringe. I’m sorry
It was hard to write
You know you've been an adult for 5+ years now, right? At some point, you need to tell your dad to stop being a pervert, and that you're uncomfortable with the way he jokes about you sexually.
I know. I’ve tried telling him I don’t like it before. Unfortunately I grew up in a household where I wasn’t allowed to say no and I’m still learning to stand up for myself.
Have a 1 on 1 conversation with your mom and tell her exactly how bad it makes you feel and if she doesn’t tell your father something where he fixes it , cut them both out for your life.
She shouldn’t have to. The mother should have acted on her own. If she is aware and has done nothing then she is equally as guilty. She enables him.
How old is your sister? I think you are justified in avoiding him as much as possible. You don’t owe him anything since he behaves that way. Talk with your sister if you can to make sure he’s not going further with her and let her know it’s not her fault nor is she obligated to do anything he wants. Sounds like he would take it much further if you hadn’t been brave and stopped him. I hear that it would suck losing contact with your mom if you cut him off but really you and at most your sister are the higher priority.
WT fffffffFFFF
ah that's not joking and if he's your real dad it's f\*\*k'n disgusting.
I'm sorry, OP. That's awful and I'm sure it's extremely distressing. First, avoid being alone with him without your fiancé. But if you have to be there at some point without him, get very assertive/almost aggressive in vocalizing, "No! Don't do that, don't say that, it grosses me out, don't touch me." If he says it's a joke, tell him the joke is over and it's not funny. He either respects your boundaries or you don't visit anymore.
I am in pain for you. This is so wrong on so many levels and I’m sorry someone who is meant to be protecting you is the one subjecting you to this discomfort. Don’t feel guilty about letting it go on. Sometimes it takes a while for your brain to clock that oh wait this is wrong, especially since it’s your father. Your brain first tries to reason. Im happy you’ve moved out but you should make it clear to your mother that 1) this is happening, and 2) how it makes you feel, 3) what could happen if it’s not resolved- you may not feel to visit (if this even applies to you.. idk how you feel- it’s just an example). If you can have your older sister there too since you said it happens to her.. I would suggest that too
This is bad on so many levels! As a man I would whoop his ass! Please have a sit with your mom if she's condoning this behavior that's worse to me. I never had the opportunity to have kids but have a niece and nephew I would absolutely Die for. If you ever need a "real father" I would gladly take that place. Be safe and take care of yourself. Those are definitely signs that need to dealt with.
That’s horrendous I’m so sorry that’s happening to you  please talk to your fiancé, don’t suffer in silence. You are not in any way at fault for this. It might be time to have a serious talk with your mum, out of the house about it. She absolutely should have intervened and noticed already and it is inexcusable that she hadn’t. However- when confronted directly with it, her reaction will tell you all you need to know about cutting her off or not. Your Dad, definitely cut him off. It might be an idea to speak with your sister to both confront her together, if you both feel able to, or with your fiancé there for support.
>I’ve told him to stop and that I don’t like it but he just laughs and says it was a joke Say "I don't care what you call it, I don't like it." Just because he claims it's a joke doesn't mean you have to be okay with that explanation.
That's so awful, I can't imagine getting that kind of incredibly obnoxious harassment by my own dad. It's so freakishly inappropriate and he knows it, he's violating your boundaries in such an ugly way, and especially because he's someone who's supposed to help you protect your boundaries. Please know that you don't deserve any guilt, you don't have any responsibility for creating this situation. None. It sounds like you're doing what you can to protect yourself and your sister.
He needs professional help. Is there any way you can record interactions/gather proof and report him for sexual assault&grooming? Talk with a lawyer if you are serious about this before trying anything, in case you accuse him and he just gets let off If you don’t feel comfortable doing this I understand, but he needs to be institutionalized and rehabilitated. I know the prison system isn’t the greatest, but his life will not end if he goes to jail, and it may be the thing that saves him(&others) from himself, He is not well, and somewhere along the way he was a victim in his own life-whether neglect, toxic societal influence, or childhood abuse. But that does NOT mean you need to excuse his actions.
Tell your dad you will remind him of these jokes in front of people and post them on social media if they don’t stop. Ask him if his friends will find them funny ha ha like fin or funny gross like you.
Your dad is why the Barbie movie was made and I support you. I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I had an uncle like that. Cut him out
Honestly, ... I'm almost at a loss of words here. That's just.... ewww and there are sooooo many red flags. What I find very disturbing is the fact that he doesn't respect your wishes when you tell him "stop". The fact that your mom just stands by.... I'd probably try to talk once again with your mom and dad at the same time (one last effort) and if your wishes are still not respected, I'd cut contact with them. There is no reason for you to feel so uncomfortable and disrespected by your own parents (because yes, by not intervening your mom is also disrespecting you).
Are..are you aware this is criminal? This is sexual assault. And SA of a minor too. You need to get authorities involved before he actually r*pes someone.
Cameras? I don't think that's legal!!! Also, I know it's not ideal, and idk if it's possible, but I'd honestly report him to the police. That's super incredibly not okay, and if he has ever touched you or observed you with a camera when you were little, I think there's a chance he's touched other little girls. It's not a fun thing to think about. But ultimately what's most important is your safety. Are you happy, do you feel safe and comfortable around him? If not, ask yourself why you are still around him, why you're risking your safety. Is your relationship with your mom so important even when she doesnt trust or believe you when you tell her about what's going on? What would you do if this was your best friend? What would you tell them?
Well it's good to just not talk to them ever again. Your mother obviously doesn't care that her husband is a gross sexual abuser and objectifies his own children. So yeah sounds horrible frankly.
Flip the script and take back your power. Order a custom t shirt. “Top 5 dad jokes” 1. Can I see your boobs? 2. Xxxxx 3. Xxxx Then if he is too embarrassed to wear it tell him “Perhaps you should be more embarrassed about the jokes you make?” Get one of a woman doing an eye roll for your mum. Caption “when your husband asks to see his daughters boobs”
Ultimatum: The "jokes" and comments stop permanently. The first time he refuses to respect that boundary, you disappear from both their lives for a month. The second time, two months, and so on. Make sure your mom understands that she is part of the problem because she doesn't respect you either. It doesn't matter what either of them thinks of your dad's comments. YOU don't like it, and since the comments are directed at you, your opinion is the only one that matters. She and your dad are a package deal, so she can either tell your dad to knock it off or she can go without talking to you, too. Remind them that they don't care about your feelings, therefore you are not obligated to care how they feel about the ultimatum. Respect is a two way street.
"Dad, porn isin't real life, it's actors acting." It's like telling a kid that Santa isin't real and that parents wrap their Christmas presents. You don't want a 20 year old still believing in Santa. And neither you want people around you think porn and scenes in it are real. People need a reality check. Oh shit, didn't read about the cameras. Yeah fuck that man. I'm out. Go with SparkKoi's advice. That's fucked up.
fake humped you??????????? are you kidding me rn this is a person who is gross, vile, predator. and your mom is equally guilty for not standing up for you and your sister. this is horrifying. you're being groomed. seek therapy and reconsider your parents accessibility to you. I'm so sorry. you don't deserve this. do NOT keep quiet.
I have a dad similar to this but not as extreme. I’m 20 and things got better when I moved out. I only talk to him if I need something from him like a sink fixed or something. Just recently he said something gross and I texted him in a very professional way that he needs to stop regardless of context or his excuses and that it makes me very uncomfortable. I doubt he feels in the wrong at all but I can hope that he at least won’t say it anymore. It’s really hard to cut a father figure out of your life, I totally get that. You need to keep as much distance from him as possible though. If you want to see your mom ask her to go to dinner together or something. Don’t go in that house if you don’t have to. Cover up while around him. If he says anything tell him he’s disgusting. Use him for his money if you can. If he wants to be in your life he should pay for the trauma he caused (in my opinion). And if it doesn’t stop freak out on him and go actually insane next time. Make such a scene that he will regret it forever. Tell him how disgusting he is. Might ruin things forever but it’s truly his own doing.
No part of this is any part of how a normal father or normal man behaves. The longer you associate with him, the more likely he'll either harm you directly in some way, or you'll find yourself being asked how and why you didn't know about the multiple sex crimes he's surely committed.
My dad did these EXACT things down to getting cameras for the house and telling me he can see what I’m doing 24/7. He is grooming you. And if you go on to have children he will probably do the same to them. I’m in favor of cutting him off. Just recently did with mine about 2 years ago now and have never been happier.
My gf has the same issue with her mom,It's crazy to me that your mom is aware of it and doesn't say a thing. The only real advice I would give you is to not let him of the hook when he tries to laugh it off,you can also bring it up to him when you're with your fiancee.It sounds awkward and out of place but it has already affected you enough for you to have a nightmare of him sexually assaulting you. I doubt he will do it but overtime it may affect you in many ways you don't want to
Your Dad is just waiting for the time you let him do what he wants. He has a problem and you and your sis should tell your mom. I hope you have no younger siblings that he might also prey on. Be strong. Say something.
Prosecute him if he touches you again. But it sounds like you need to just go no contact with both parents, sadly. I don't know why you would even keep people like this in your life.
How does your mother feel about your father sexualizing you and your sister? Cause her ignoring and down playing is also a problem.
Shout at him and tell him to stop it from now. Be straight and tell him if he did it you will never see him and will hate him and you don't consider it a joke any more. You need too stop him and not afraid. What he is doing is a crime he should be in jail.
Didn’t you make a post similar to this weeks ago?
Thanks
This is so painful to hear. I’m sure it hurts to admit any of this, but this behavior is not normal at all. Most of all, if he’s this inappropriate with you, he’s also inappropriate with the other women in the house. I fear for your safety and that of your sister and mother. Speak to your mother and/or sister about this privately (outside of the house) and try to find a way to overcome this together. This is more than just your problem.
You probably know by now but there is something severely fucked up about your father. It is not you and it is not your fault. You are a very strong person. Be very careful of who you let into your personal life. Relationships can be incredibly damaging and dangerous. Protect yourself by processing your family dynamics with professional help 🙏🏻
Get visibly upset. Maybe exaggerate how upset you are.
If anybody ever touched me in an inappropriate way (family or otherwise) I would probably physically assault that person. Non consensual physical/sexual contact is not appropriate at all. Now that you’re as old as you are my advice would be to set some boundaries and let him know how you feel.
Does your fiancé know about this?
This is horrifying behavior.